#i have a lot of work which isn't as nice but i'll get paid well and i finished early today and i'm almost done

[elizabeth-mitchells]

i love making posts every time i want to complain about something but you know what. here's a positive post. i had a lovely day and i am having a good time. there. send post <33

[luvyeni]

( SPOOKTOBER ) alpha bosses ! 🎞️ 一 방찬 & 이민호 ՞

𝓟 airings. alpha!minchan x omega!reader wc. 3.8

🕸️◞ WARNINGS. heats, oral ( m. receiving ), threesome, double penetration, rough sex, possible chan mate?

「 ♱ authors note 」 happy halloween!! and day 10 of spooktober , it's the final day , if you celebrate be careful and have fun <3

you liked your job; it was omega friendly, paid well, you got paid time off for your heat's, and your bosses were extremely nice— they were also extremely attractive alphas.

chan and lee know started the company right after they presented as alphas, and it slowly made its way to one of the top ones in korea , eventually they brought on the rest of their pack; 2 alphas, 2 beta and 2 other omegas , and the company soared even higher , they eventually had to start hiring more and more hybrids.

you were recently hired after jisung and felix, the two omegas close to them and your bestest friends recommended you. “they'll love you.” he said. “you're smart and hard working.” he told you after finding out you were selected. “and you're a presented omega with a nice ass , you're perfect.” the felix , the other omega said, to which surely confused you; but you let it go.

soon the day came for your first day of work. “that pencil skirt is perfect , wear that one.” felix said , you stood in your bra. “did you take your heat suppressants?” he asked. “i don't need them , my heat isn't until next month.” you said , sliding the skirt up your tight covered legs. “yeah but there are at least 4 alphas on the floor you're working on , and probably 40 in the entire building,” he said. “all those hot alphas in one big building , we've had omegas go into heat early.” felix’s eyes shifted to jisung.

“hey! it's not my fault , lee know smelled good that day and chan wore that low v cut suit; not to mention changb- do not talk about him like that in front of me.” you smiled , buttoning up your shirt. “his freaky ass point aside , you should be safe.” felix said. “well i don't even have them right now.” you said. “why don't you?”

“well aside from being broke for the last month , i don't normally need them , all of my jobs were omegas only.” you said. “i should be fine , later today during lunch i'll run across the street near the company to get some of it calms your sweet little hearts.” you said. “well it's gonna have to do , because we're already late and changbin is gonna text me soon about it , so we need to go.”

the three of you made your commute in felixs car; both of them giving you the run down of the job. “you'll be working close to chan and lee know hyung.” felix said. “lucky bitch , i got jeongin.” you laughed at jisung. “he tried to jump lee knows bones twice already so they switched him to jeongin , he's the youngest alpha but he also is strong enough to ignore jisungs advantages, dummy never times his heat , it got so bad they started tracking it for him.” felix kept his eyes on the road. “lee know on the other hand , if even thinks and omega is in heat , he'll pounce.”

the three of you finally arrived at the company , the three of you arriving at the company. “jisung work on the third floor with jeongin and seungmin , i work with hyunjin and changbin on the second , but i'll take you up to the top where chan and lee know are.” you nodded. “yeah , i have to go now.” jisung said. “jeongin gets really bitchy when i’m late.”

the two of you separated from the boy on the elevator, heading all the way up to the top where you'd be working. “we're here.” stepping off the elevator. “wait.” you stopped , the boy turned. “im nervous.” you huffed , your stomach was turning and you felt like you were gonna puke. “everyone is nervous on their first day , it's a lot especially for an omega , you're just not used to all the different scents and trust me , some of them are not pleasant.” you laughed. “you’ll be fine , we'll get through the morning and then meet up with ji for lunch.” you nodded , sighing in relief. “okay.” he smiled. “okay let's go , chan is waiting in his office with lee know.”

“they're an hour late.” lee know looked down at his phone. “felix said they're on the way , they were stuck in traffic.” chan sat at his desk. “and you sure she's good?” lee know questioned. “our schedules are too busy for this type of behavior everyday.” chan rubbed his temples , nodding. “yes , felix said she's incredibly hard working , they've known each other for a long time.” he said. “jisung too , you know how sweet you are for that boy.” lee know smirked. “more like he's sweet for me , if you know what i mean.”

“trust me i wish i didn't.”

“the office is just down that hall.” felix pointed , you turned to him. “what?” you said. “are you not coming with me?” you began to panic. “hey calm down , you got this.” he said. “i can't come with you, changbin is wondering where i am , hyunjin isn't too happy with running his errands for him.” you nodded , stressed. “good.” he caressed your cheek. “now go.” he gave you a little tap on the butt. “you look good , perfect little omega.”

you turned on your heel , walking down the hall , turning to see if felix was still there. “you got this!” he shouted from down the hall , you laughed as everyone turned to him , he quickly got back on the elevator , waving one last time as the door closed. turning back around , you were about to knock on the door — but it opened.

while waiting for you , chan couldn't shake a feeling he had; no, a scent he smelled. “what the hell?” he said , it was a new smell , the alpha had his fair share of omegas in the building , he knew the smells of the omegas on the floor , but this one. this was a new smell. “what?” lee know interrupted his thoughts. “you have that look in your eyes , i can see it.”

lee know didn't smell it? if anyone had a good nose besides him it was the alpha sitting in front of him. “you don't smell that?” the other boy sniffled, shrugging. “the twenty omegas sitting outside? yeah , it's not easy to ignore.” chan stood up , walking towards the door , opening up. “hi?”

your mouth almost dropped open , seeing the attractive man in front of you. “yn?” you nodded , starstruck , he was drop dead gorgeous. “i-im sorry im late.” he shook his head. “don't worry about it , but don't make it a habit.” you nodded. “yes sir.” he opened the door wider. “come in.” he got a good whiff of your scent as you walked past him , looking outside , no one else could smell it , there were a few betas on the floor and none of them seemed to be affected. “th-thats lee know.” he said , “his office is on the other side , but we were waiting for you.”

“hello.” you said nervously , the alpha standing up taking in your appearance , the tight pencil skirt filling you out nicely , white shirt , unbuttoned just enough that he could see your cleavage. “seems like jisung and felix briefed you on the uniform , even though they could've done the same on being on time.” you lowered your head. “i'm sorry , it won't happen again.” he nodded. “good it bett-”

why'd he stop? he sniffed once , twice. “s-sir?” you asked , he looked to chan , then back to you. “um sit down and we can discuss our schedules.” he said , you nodded , sitting down , turning to look out the window much like chan did with the door. “um okay.” chan made his way back to his seat , sitting down , lee know leaning on the desk. “let's get started.”

they gave you the rundown on everything you'd be doing for them; getting them coffee , setting up for meetings etc … “your desk is right outside that door , i'm sure you saw it , but when i call for you , you come okay?” lee know said after chan was finished; you had to pretend you didn't feel him burning his eyes into your skin. “y-yes sir.” you nodded , gulping. “and please , call me chan and you can call him lee know.” chan said. “i don't know , i kinda like sir.” lee smirked , making your stomach jump , heat rising to your face and all over your body. “he's joking , i keep telling him to stop.”

“yeah im joking.” but the look in his eyes felt like he wasn't. “o-okay.” chan could tell you were nervous. “don't worry , you'll get the hang of it.” he smiled , his smile was calming. “give it a few days.” you nodded. “thank you sir.” he lifted his eyebrow. “so sorry , chan , thank you chan.” he nodded , the door opening. “felix , what can i do for you?” your friend entering the room , siting the file on the table. “you okay?” he put his hand on your shoulder. “yeah im fine.” you smiled.

“we're not gonna bite lix don't worry.” lee know teased. “chan maybe , you hyung im not too sure.” he massaged your shoulders , lee know watched the omega boys hand , resting where your shoulder and neck met , bare and ready to bite , he shook the thought from his head. “where did changbin get these?” chan sighed. “not sure.” the younger boy shrugged. “of course you don't , tell him and jeongin to come up here after lunch, this isn't right.”

“are you serious hyung? you know how he is” felix whined. “lix now.” chan ordered. “and take yn here to her desk , make sure she gets settled.” felix took your bag. “let's go my love , if changbin yells at me again, i'm quitting.” you smiled , bowing to the two alphas. “we'll call you if we need you.” you nodded. “come.”

as soon as the door closed , lee know sat down. “is she?” chan asked , lee know nodded. “i think so , does she not know? i thought all omegas knew.” they could still smell it in the office; even through the door; through all the other scents of the omegas. a scent both alphas knew all too well. “she's in pre-heat.”

the rest of the morning went by after that; running back and forth between the two , getting ready for the meeting after lunch , bringing them everything they needed; chan was more so lenient with you, like for instance , you made a mistake with the printings for the meeting and instead of yelling at you like you feared , he'd just smiled sweetly at you and told you it was okay ; probably because he knew you were soon going into heat , and we're all over the place.

lee know on the other hand , he wasn't mean; but he surely wasn't easy on you, sending you back and forth with different task , he demanded perfection and even though he knew what was going on with you and your preheat, it didn't stop him. “why isn't she trying to nest?” chan asked , on the phone with lee know who watched you through his window. “maybe she did already , like subconsciously.” they both were keeping and eye on you , knowing they probably should've sent you home upon smelling you. “should we send her home now?”

“she's about to take her lunch and right after is the meeting , if anything happens after then we'll send her home , it's her first day and she's already about to go on leave , many omegas here have worked here pre-heat.” chan rolled his eyes. “yeah and what did you do?” lee know chuckled. “hey if the little omega can't help herself who am i to stop her?” chan scoffed. “hey don't judge we all know that desk of yours seen way more than it wanted.” chan looked at you through his window , he could still smell you. “you can still smell her, can't you?” chan groaned , rubbing his temples. “yeah.”

“smells good doesn't she , almost makes you want to take her right on that couch?” lee know could tell his friend was losing his grip. “yeah.” he chuckled. “why do you think i haven't left this office yet?” he said. “i fear if i walk past her , i end up taking her right there on her desk.”

“yn?” chan poked his head out of his office , you looked up from your computer to him , with a smile that made the mans heart pound. “yes?” you answered. “um , it's time for your lunch , be back a little early the meeting is coming up and we need to get ready.” you nodded. “okay sir.” you stood up , he didn't even correct you , closing his door , he watched you walk past his window , your ass plump in your skirt. “you’re drooling.”

lee know stood in his office doorway. “it's getting stronger , i think i'm gonna send her home after lunch , seems like she could go into heat any time soon and I'd rather it not be here with 40 other alphas.” he said. “channie getting jealous?” the elder growled. “shit up.” lee know held his hands up in defense. “hey you're the one clawing at your desk , don't worry i feel the same way.” he said. “how are you containing it then.”

“oh the omega you just saw coming out of my office wasn't in there just for a performance review.” chan grimaced in disgust. “please , you think these omegas come here to work , yeah we pay good , but who else is willing to fulfill their fantasies of fucking their boss.” lee know spoke. “you think she has a fantasy of fucking her boss?”

“they're both so fucking hot.” you said , stuffing your face full of food. “yn it's your first day.” felix said. “felix you said the same thing about changbin on your first day.” jisung turned to you. “and lee know , he's a tease isn't he?” the boy said , you whined nodding. “what am i gonna do with you two.”

“hey did you take the heat suppressant?” felix asked. “i did but i really haven't had any symptoms , not even pre-heat symptoms.” you said. “well it's good you took one just in case , because i can see you rubbing your thighs together just from talking about them both , jisung too but it's expected from him .” you rolled your eyes. “he's a loyal omega to changbin , he doesn't understand.” jisung said. “sorry im not getting horny in the middle of the work day at the thought of fucking my bosses.”

“that's because you're already fucking him.”

you said your goodbyes to them after finishing your lunches , making your way back up to your floor; you didn't even know you were fanning yourself until the elevator door opened. “you okay?” the man stepped into the elevator. “oh-oh sir.” lee know stood on the other side, the elevator door closing. “i-im fine , just a bit hot.” you said , he hummed. “yeah?” he shook his head , the building was air-conditioned. “yeah.”

you both stepped off the elevator; making your way to your desk , not noticing the betas on the floor who were looking at you , following you — you also didn't notice lee knows glare , that being the only thing keeping them down as you began to stumble to your desk. “what the hell?” you sighed to yourself. “okay , that's enough.” lee know said. “huh?” before you could say anything , chans door opened and lee know was pushing you inside. “wh-whats going on?”

“what's going on is you're going into fucking heat and the entire door can smell you.” chan closed the curtains. “wh-what no im not.” you said , a burning sensation shooting through your body. “see?” lee know said. “bu-but i didn't prepare for it.” you said. “please turn on the air conditioning.” you whined. “you probably did , i can bet my entire life's savings you have a nice little nest waiting for you at home.” lee know smirked. “so excited to come to work in your cute little skirt you didn't even realize you were going into heat.”

you stomached burned , and the two alphas in the room weren't helping with your current situation. “li-lix.” you stuttered out. “what can that omega do baby?” chan said. “you know what you need, don't you?” his hand came up to your cheek , caressing it , you nodded. “what is it?” he said , grabbing your cheeks. “say it.” he commanded , you whined. “a-alpha.”

“what about two?” lee knows head tilted to the side. “two alphas to fill up that needy pussy?” clenching your legs together , the omega inside begging for something anything to make the pain and burning go away. “answer my question?” his hands came up to your hair , making a makeshift ponytail. “ye-yes please.” you whimpered. “yes what baby?” chan was much softer , making your brain fuzzier. “alphas.”

both of them standing in front of you , obvious bulges in their slacks , you reached for their slacks. “greedy omega , you want both cocks in your mouth?” lee know held your hair in his hand , using his other to undo his parents , chan following. “go ahead , suck his cock little omega.” lee know guiding your head to chans tip , you opened your mouth , letting him in. “fuck that's a good omega.” chan replaced lee knows hand with his , guiding your head up and down on his length. “fuck.”

lee know sat down , ripping open your shirt , the buttons hitting the floor made you whine around chans cock. “l-lee know.” chan stuttered , bucking his hips into your mouth. “sorry little omega , i’ll make sure to send some over to your apartment.” he squeezed your boobs. “nice fucking tits.” taking your hand , guiding it to his cock. “be good and stroke it.” he groaned , head leaning back against the couch as you jerked him off. “fu-fuck squeeze my cock.”

chan held your hair yanking at your hair , before holding it still. “fuck!” he groaned , slamming his cock down your throat. “tight fucking throat , gonna fill your mouth with my seed.” chan tough fucked your mouth. “fuck.” lee know stood up , jerking his own cock. “fuck gonna cum all over those pretty titties.” he growled. “be a good little omega , take all of it.” he grunted , squeezing a few times , cum spirit from his red tip on to your boobs , some getting on your skirt. “sorry baby.” but you could see his smirk.

chan continued to abuse your throat; his hip brutal as the alpha came close to ending. “fuck im gonna cum , take it down your little throat.” he growled before he came , his seed filling up your mouth. “shit.”

pulling out of your mouth , spit and cum dripping down your face , but you still needed more , chasing his cock. “look at her , desperate for a cock , fucking your bosses on your first day.” lee know slapped his cock on your cheek , allowing you to suck on his tip. “slutty omega , sucking my cock like that , gonna let both of us split your pussy open?”

grabbing you by your arms , making you stand up , chan unzipped the back of your dress , letting it fall to the floor , sitting down on the couch ripping your tights open. “jesus and you had the nerve to call me out.” lee know filling your mouth with his cock. “fuck , she's dripping.” slick pouring from your cunt , dripping down your legs. “we don't have time for you to do that now , we gotta get her out of here before the meeting starts.” lee know could see the man holding back. “fu-fuck you're right.”

you quickly got on top of him. “look at her , like a little whore , ready to bounce on the first cock she sees.” lee know chuckled. “go ahead , sit on it baby.” sinking down on his cock; lee know filling your mouth once again. “fu-fuck such a tight pussy , you're dripping down my cock.” chan held your waist , fucking up into you. “good little omega fuck!” he growled , hitting your cervix you would moan if you could , but lee know preoccupied your mouth , slamming in and out of you using your mouth as a toy. “fuck gonna cum down this tight throat.”

chan held you in his arms , fucking you at a brutal pace. “pretty little omega , taking my cock , fuck.” he hissed , your scent filling the room up. “gonna cum , relieve some of your pain.” his balls slapping against your ass , he slammed you down , one last time , his warm cum shooting into your waiting cunt , painting your walls. “oh fuck!”

before he could cum , lee know pulled out of your mouth , pulling you off chans lap , forcing your body in his desired position. “look at you , presenting like a good omega.” he growled , pressing his cock right at your core. “you ready for my cock slut.” you nodded. “pl-please alpha i need it.” you sobbed , screaming out as his stretched you out with his length. “fucking tight cunt , chans cum isn't enough , you need mines too.” he pulled at your hair as fucked into you. “ye-yes please.”

“good omega , knowing what you're made to do , take cock.” he cursed fucking into you harder , chans hands coming to your clit. “you gonna cum?” he pinched your clit , the whole office listening to them ravish you , lee know reading your mind. “yeah they can hear you being slutted out by your bosses.” he growled , i bet you all those betas out there can smell you , jealous they can't fill you up with their cum , bet you would like that ?” he slapped your ass.

“too bad you're ours right?” chan said. “our little omega to use whenever?” already delirious and about to cum , you dumbly nodded. “hell yeah she is , go and cum , show the entire office how much a slut you are for us.” and with the alphas command , you were screaming as you came. “fuck!”

you were slumped on the couch , both the males dressing themselves , chan wrapping his jacket around you , the alpha scent providing you comfort. “hey , little omega.” he smiled. “let's get you home and safe so you can properly do this.” he said softly , lee know smirked. “okay.”

“do i cancel the meeting?” he asked. “no , i'll be back soon , get started without me.” lee know shook his head as the alpha guided you out the out. “poor dumbass doesn't even see it yet.”

“where's chan?” jeongin looked at the empty seat. “he's the one who called this meeting.” changbin said bitterly. “yeah , i don't think we'll be seeing him for the next 4-6 days a week tops.” lee know smirked , the pack looked confused , before jisung spoke up. “yn isn't here,” he said. “oh yeah you both did get a new secretary.” it finally clicked on everyone's head. “are you serious , she's been here not even a full day?” felix and jisung shook their heads. “and she swore she'd be alright.”

“well it's safe to say now that she's here he'll be missing a lot more days than we're used to.”

©LUVYENI

[daddy-dotcom]

Bet on Me

Spencer Reid x Sugarbaby Reader

Spencer Reid never loses, especially when the prize is you.

Summary: Reader is a sugar baby for Reid's opponent, and he bets a night with her if he loses to Reid.

Warnings: Smut, unprotected p in v, bj, swearing ig?

----------------------------------------------

This wasn't the first time he'd done this. Granted, the Boss only did it when he was losing a lot of money and needed to sacrifice his "lucky charm." However, this was the first time he bet me and lost, to a man half his age nonetheless. I never liked being used as a gambling chip, but he lost so rarely that I didn't dwell on it too much. The man he was playing only gave us his first name, Spencer, and damn was he good. If I didn't know any better, I would say he was counting the cards. He was slightly cocky, but not in the way that the Boss's usual opponents were. He knew he was good, but he wasn't arrogant. There was an air of confidence to him, almost as if he was guaranteed to win, which was exactly what he did. I'd never seen the Boss this upset before, practically throwing a tantrum on the casino floor. But Spencer won fair and square, more specifically, he had won me. 

Under normal circumstances, he would have bet on me as a last resort against some other equally sleazy old man. He would have won and I wouldn't have to worry about the idea of sleeping with a man who I didn't know and who had zero respect for boundaries. While the Boss wasn't exactly in his prime anymore, at least he paid me well and we had strict boundaries in place. But whenever he bet on me, I had no idea what I would be getting into. Something about Spencer being young immediately eased my nerves, especially since he was so lanky and boyish. He was probably close to my age, but you would never be able to tell because he looked like he was barely old enough to be gambling. 

"Just go on and get it over with, doll, I'll pick you up in the morning," the Boss said irritably. 

I made my way over to Spencer, who was the only one left sitting at the poker table. He sat quite awkwardly for a man who had just swept the entire table. All of the confidence from before had completely melted away. 

"Well it looks like I'm yours for the night, Spencer. I'm (Y/N) by the way." 

I leaned against the poker table, making sure to show off my best assets. If I was going to have to spend the night with him, I at least wanted to have some fun. Between my day job and being a part-time sugar baby, I didn't have the time or energy to date much. So I planned on taking full advantage of the situation. Even if I didn't end up sleeping with Spencer, there was something about him that made me want to get to know him. 

"Nice to meet you, (Y/N)" he said, and I could tell he was avoiding my gaze. This was most likely because from where he was sitting, his line of sight was directly at my boobs. 

"C'mon Spencer, let me buy you a drink."

"Shouldn't I be the one buying you a drink?" he asked, looking puzzled. 

"Looks like you need it more than I do, pretty boy." I said with a smile as I pulled him by the hand towards the bar. 

------------

"I'm not a hooker by the way. Just putting that out there . . ." I said, suddenly matching Spencer's awkwardness. 

"I figured as much," he replied before taking a sip of his drink. "You're very well dressed and your jewelry is definitely real. Which could mean you're a high-end prostitute, which isn't uncommon for Vegas, but your relationship is too close for him to just be a repeat customer. So I assumed you were either a sugar baby or a trophy wife." 

"Wow. You got all that just by watching us?"

"It's kind of my job." 

"You a PI or something? What kind of job allows you to pick up on all that Mr...?" 

"Reid. And it's Dr. Reid actually. I work in the behavioral analysis unit of the FBI."

"No kidding! You? The lanky yet mysterious card counter who hasn't looked me in the eye this entire conversation, works for the FBI?"

“Yes and for the record, I wasn’t counting the cards. . .at least not this time,” he said with the slightest hint of a smirk on his lips. 

Feeling a little tipsy, I replied by saying "you know, around here that acronym FBI usually stands for Female-"

"Body Inspector, yes I'm familiar with the joke. I grew up getting my head dunked in the toilet by bullies wearing those cheap souvenir shirts from Circus Circus" 

"Ah so you're a local too?"

“Yes ma’m, Las Vegas born and raised,” he said before taking another sip of his drink. I took the opportunity to ask him another question. 

“So do you have me figured out yet, pretty boy?” 

“Well I don’t see a ring on your finger,” he said while finally looking me right in the eyes, “so that leads me to the conclusion that you are a sugar baby.” 

I could tell the effects of the alcohol were starting to creep to the surface because he wouldn’t break eye contact with me and his body began leaning towards me when he spoke instead of away. He was less guarded and almost flirtatious, in his own adorable way. 

“Ding ding ding, you got me Dr. Reid. I, uh, work as a lab assistant during the day but being his sugar baby is helping with the crushing weight of my student debt.” 

“I’m sorry that you have to spend your evenings with that jerk, (Y/N). That was mostly my motivation for accepting his offer to bet on you. I hope you know I wasn’t planning on taking advantage of you or anything, I just wanted to give you a night off from your boss.” 

My gaze softened and I tried to push away the tears that threatened to spill from the corners of my eyes. 

“That was the sweetest thing anyone’s done for me in a long time, Spencer. Thank you,” I said, gently placing a hand on his thigh. 

I saw a wave of crimson begin to appear on his cheeks and he flashed me a smile before saying, “It was my pleasure. I don’t mean to brag but I have an eidetic memory and an IQ of 187, all of this to say I’m pretty good at cards.”

“Wow! Handsome and smart? Guess you’re not the only one who hit the jackpot tonight,” I said while raising my eyebrows, “but I don’t see a ring on your finger either, Dr. Reid. You’re alone at a bar in Vegas with a pretty girl, so I’m assuming you don’t have anyone waiting for you back home?” I asked, suddenly very interested to know if this smart and adorably sweet man was single.

“So you’ve been profiling me too,” he said with a chuckle, “to answer your question, no I don’t have a wife or a girlfriend or anything like that,” he said, almost enthusiastically. Taking that as a sign, I quickly asked, 

“Would you want to come upstairs with me? I just feel so comfortable talking to you and technically you still have the rest of the night with me,” I said with pleading eyes. 

“Um . . .sure!” he said with both hesitation and excitement, which I’m assuming is because his desire is going against his better judgment as an FBI agent. 

“You agreed to that awfully fast for someone who works for the FBI.” 

“I’m not worried. I’ve been watching my drink the entire night, and I’ve been profiling you, remember?” 

At this point, we were both beaming at each other like a couple of idiots; I had to stop myself from yanking this man’s arm making a run for the elevator. 

———

"It's nice to be with a guy who doesn't have an AARP card for once." 

"Actually, it’s a common misconception that the service is limited to people 50 and over. You can apply for a membership once you turn 18," he rambled, causing me to giggle. 

"You're cute," I replied, placing a hand on the inner part of his thigh. We stayed there for a moment, our eyes fixed on one another with a blush creeping up on Spencer's cheeks. I could see his Adam's apple bob as he gulped, and I could almost swear the crotch of his pants looked tighter than before. 

"W-we don't have to do anything you know," he said, finally breaking the silence. 

"I know. . . " I said as I leaned in close, "but what if I want to?" 

I took a chance and pressed my lips to his. I let them linger there to gauge his reaction before going any further, not wanting to scare the poor man away. After a few seconds, he didn't pull away and I took the quickened pace of his breathing as a sign to kiss him more. I began slowly at first and his lips followed my lead. To my surprise, he brought his hand up to tangle his fingers in my hair and I moaned into his mouth at the contact. Our kisses quickly became hungry and passionate, and there was no denying the now obvious bulge in his pants. I moved my hand from his thigh and began rubbing him over his pants. This time, he was the one who let out a groan, the sound of which motivated me to force my tongue into his mouth. He tightened his grip on my hair, but I pulled away to tend to his growing erection. He remained seated on the edge of the bed as I dropped to my knees in front of him. 

"Y-you don't have to-" he stuttered with wide eyes. 

"Spencer, it's okay, I want to." 

He didn't protest further and I began to unbuckle his belt. I unzipped his pants and pulled down his underwear just enough to let his cock free. I wrapped my hand around the base and began to jerk him, causing him to hiss at the contact. I teased him a little by licking the tip of his dick before I placed his entire length, or as much of him as I could fit, in my mouth. 

"Oh my god” he groaned, with his eyes screwed shut. I continued to bob my head up and down his cock, his hand finding that familiar place in my hair where he began to tug again. My. pace was purposefully slow, dragging out each suck to earn a moan from Spencer. It was thrilling to be in control of the situation for once. As I sped up my motions, his hands were practically ripping the strands from my head. The wetness pooling between my legs was becoming too much to ignore, so I released my grip on Spencer's cock and used his thighs to push myself back up from my spot on the floor. 

"Spencer. . ." I whined, planting myself onto his lap, "I need you."

I took his hand and guided him to the heat between my legs. I shimmied up my dress to allow him to feel the wetness that now soaked my panties. We both let out a gasp as his fingers became slick at the touch. 

"It's been a while since anyone's made me feel like this," I admitted. I felt safe in his presence, especially since judging by his reactions, he doesn't do this very often either. 

“I-I don’t have a-," 

“Don’t worry, I’m 90% sure we’re both clean and I’m on the pill. Trust me I’m not trying to scam you for child support or anything.” 

I could feel his body relax underneath me after reassuring him. I pressed my lips to his once again, our kiss more sensual and intimate than before. Seizing the rare opportunity to be on top, I had one hand on his shoulder for support and the other on his dick to line him up with my entrance. It was almost dizzying how good it felt as I finally sank down onto his length. 

“Oh god, Spencer.” 

I buried my face into the crook of his neck, completely overwhelmed by the few of him stretching me out. Once I was comfortable, I slowly began rocking my hips. We were a mess of breathy moans and strings of profanities escaped my lips as I began bouncing on his cock. 

“Fuck Spence, you you’re so big.” 

It’s always the skinny, shy guys.

“(Y/N) you feel so good,” he grunted as he bucked his hips up in an attempt to fuck me even harder. After observing his reactions to my every move so far, I knew he wasn’t going to last long. But he was fucking me so good that I couldn’t bring myself to care. 

“Yes baby keep fucking me like that.” 

His hips continued with their relentless pace and our bodies slammed against each other again and again. It wasn’t much longer until his thrusts became sloppy and he finished inside of me with one last resounding groan. We stayed that way for a while, just grateful for the intimate connection. Once we finally caught our breath, I spoke up.

“Well you still have a few hours with me Dr. Reid, what do you propose we do?” I said with a smirk.

“We should probably go to bed, I have to catch my flight back to D.C. in the morning. . . but maybe after we do that again.” 

“I’m all yours Spencer.” 

————————————————————————

Not 100% confident about this one but lmk what y'all think :) thanks fro all the love so far besties

[itsohh]

To Let Go

A/N: Female reader, I take the canon and I fix it (make it worse). This had been stuck in my mind since I finished the campaign. Well after it soaked in. This does focus on your relationship with Soap / Ghost but also your friendship with Gaz. (He's just a great friend ngl)

Summary: A series of small snippets in the throuple life between you, Ghost and Soap. From when you first met through your mutual contact and friend Gaz until the end events of MW3.

Word count: 5005

Warnings: angst, major canon character death, sucidal thoughts, MW3 spoilers.

AO3 Masterlist

The Meeting

2020

The group of them stared at the table before them, Laswell on call. "This is far from home. We're going to need to get help." Price paused and looked towards Kate on the screen. "Got any friends that know Australia."

"A few." Her eyes cast towards Gaz. "You’re in luck, one just happens to live on your back door. Garrick knows them rather well."

Kyle's lips parted and he shook his head before he smiled and folded his arms.

"I'll track her down." Kate nodded. 

"No need, I reckon I know where she probably is tomorrow night."

"And she'll help us?" Soap asked.

"She will if I ask."

-

The pub was a complete roar. It was uncomfortably packed. All the screens had been changed and the thick smell of alcohol filled the air. Everyone's focus was on their drinks and the screens above. 

"This is where we find your contact?" Ghost hated the close proximity of everyone in the building. 

"Yeah she should be right around the corner in a booth-" His voice was cut off as everyone in the pub let out a roar. Drinks clinked and splashed everywhere while people hugged each other. A different scene was set when he slipped into the corner booth. It had been almost completely empty, strange for such a packed pub.  

"Gaz. Long time no see." You didn't look away from the television that was in perfect view. 

"What game is it?" He asked as the rest of the task force slipped in next to him. 

"Bledisloe Cup, in Brisbane."

"Who's winning?"

"Who's your friends?" You countered.

"This is Captain Price, that's Soap and this is Ghost." 

For the first time, you took your eyes off the television and sized up the men. "Captain? Suppose this isn't a pleasure meeting then."

"'Friad not." Price spoke up. 

"Hmm. Sorry, I can't help you. I'm suspended." You immediately shut them down. Gaz's lips parted and his body tensed up. 

"You're suspended?" 

"Uh-huh. We might be allies and all but can't help you if I'm not supposed to be working. Gonna have to find another girl for your situation."

"Why you suspended?" Soap asked. 

You leaned on the table and your head turned towards him. "Officially or unofficially?"

"Give us both." Ghost answered. 

"Well officially…" You swirled the liquid in your glass. "It's a paid suspension until I am reassigned."

"And unofficially?" 

"I taught my Captain the importance of making the right call."

"You punched another one of your COs" Gaz sounded annoyed. 

"This happen a lot?" Ghost asked. 

"Only since they stuck me here."

"For someone whose job it is to play nice with others, you don't do a very good job of it," Gaz said. A smile curled up on your lips as you took a sip from your drink. “Do I even want to know?”

“No.”

“Would you tell me if I asked?”

“...Maybe another time.” Your eyes went up to the television and you pressed your lips together as your glass made contact with the table. “Hypothetically, what did yah need me for?”

The men exchanged looks and Gaz gave Price a small nod. Price produced a folder from inside his jacket and slid it on the table towards you. Your eyes found it and you flicked it open like a book. “This is… oh fuck this is Australian territory- this is…” Your eyes darted between the men. “Why the fuck do you want in here- actually don’t tell me. You guys won’t be able to legally get in here. The Australian government will never allow it. No Australian will help you.” 

“Which is why our mutual friend recommended you.” Ghost spoke up.

“Gaz?” Your eyes landed on him and narrowed.

“Laswell.” Price corrected.

“Laswell’s in on this? Hmm, look yeah I know the area pretty well, not like any native but well enough. If you can get Laswell to pull some strings about my suspension I’ll help you out. Even if this is off the record I’m grounded and would be in a lot of trouble if I leave the country at the moment.” You drained the rest of your drink and spun the glass around on the table. Their eyes were drawn to the sight a second before you stood up. “Gaz has my number. Do call it sometime.”

“What about your game?” He gestured to the television above you.

“We already won the series. The outcome of this doesn’t matter. Besides, the mention of work has stained my night.” 

-

Kiss Me

2021

You laughed as Soap sang out on the stage. His voice was horribly off-key but that didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was the pure joy on his face. You had been transfixed on him, just as Ghost was next to you. How could you not? Forget a ray of sunshine, he was the entire sun. Warm and full of light, he was breathtaking in a way that had your cheeks heat up. 

It was so easy to pretend, the way he serenaded you. Truly a performance. Soap reached out for you to come join him and you furiously shook your head. 

"No way MacTavish." 

"Come on. You have been on the couch the entire night and it's not very often we get a karaoke machine."

"Thank god for that." Ghost mumbled next to you. 

"I'm with Ghost on this one. If I had known that you would be trying to get me to do this, I would have shot you lot down at the pub."

"Awww come on, besides you had fun at the prison."

"It was in fucking Tasmania. I hate Tasmania. Get your boyfriend here to come and sing with you instead." 

The pair of them froze the second and exchanged a look. 

"Oh? Husbands then?" 

"How did you know we were toge-"

"Soap we are almost always working. My room’s next to Ghosts. I hear you guys all the time." 

"Fuckin hell." Ghost grumbled under his breath but Soap seemed almost excited by the information. There was a glint in his eyes as his lips curled up. It seemed like they had been trying to keep it a secret. Yet, the way he looked at you, the way both of them looked at you, there was something else to the matter. 

"Heard all that but never bothered to come join us?" 

You let out a cough of shock which turned into a fit. His gaze burned into your skin red hot and you turned to see a similar one from Ghost. 

"You’re joking." You managed to cough out. 

"Negative." Ghost's voice had your hair stand up on your skin with anticipation.

"You’re serious." You swallowed as you managed to compose yourself. You looked down for a moment. 

"Less you don't want to. An't gonna force you."

"I don't do casual."

"Fine by me. What about you Ghost?"

"No complaints here."

"I- I've known you for like four months. Why? Have you been looking for a third is this-?"

"Nah, nothing like that. We like you." Soap sat on the sofa next to you and you could practically feel the way the boys were toying with you. 

"Nothing more to it than that. Don't overthink this." Ghost's voice now came from behind you as you faced Soap. 

"Do the pair of you normally fraternise with teammates?" You mean the words to come out humourous but your voice died a little and it came out as a breath. 

"Only the pretty ones." Soap was quick to reply and you could practically feel Ghost roll his eyes behind you. 

"Ask Johnny." 

"Canni kiss you?" 

"Yeah." 

Soap leaned in, his lips slowly on yours and you were aware of Ghost the entire time. His eyes watching you but somehow that didn't turn you off in any way. You pushed into Soap and snaked a hand into his hair. It gave you a good place to grip as you deepened the kiss. He moaned into your lips, clearly delighted in the turn of events as your tongue sealed entrance into his mouth. 

It was a request that wasn't granted right away as his tongue met yours and messily tangled with your own. Soap's hand landed on your thigh and gave it a decent squeeze but was promptly interrupted by the sound of the front door opening. Price and Gaz were back.

You separated from him, lips slightly swollen and Soap gave you a knowing smile. "We can continue this later yeah?"

"Yeah."

-

I Love you 

2021

It had been a close call. Too close for anyone's liking. One of those 'life flashing before your life moments'. But it wasn't a bunch of memories of everything that ever happened to you. No, the only thing you could focus on was the voices of your friends, your lovers. 

Price, Gaz, Soap and Ghost. While you couldn't understand what they were saying you could still hear them. You had been so horribly pinned down. If Ghost hadn't been there for overwatch you knew you would have been a goner. 

It seemed like everyone had brushed it off. After all, close calls were part of the job, but it still played over and over like a broken record. 

The warm bed with both of your lovers had been a sanctuary that you left. The night your mistress as you stared up to the sky. Death had stared you in the eyes and was killed. 

"Can't sleep?" Ghost came up and joined you. He leaned on the barrier but you didn't turn to face him. It didn't surprise you, he was a light sleeper. 

"Cut it a bit close today." You breathed. 

"Saw that."

"Thanks for having my back."

"Someone has to keep you alive." A silence settled between the pair of you for a couple of minutes. It was a comfortable silence that danced well with the refreshing coldness of the night's air. 

"One day this job will take me."

"Takes all of us. Good soldiers don't last long." 

"Your still kicking."

"'M not a good soldier."

"Right bastard you are LT." Soap's voice joined the pair of you and he settled his way to your left. 

"Sorry if I woke you Soap." 

"Beds too cold with our the pair of you." He mumbled.

"Surprised you can tell with your furnace of a body." Ghost said. 

"Oi-"

"I love you. Both of you." Your voice interrupted them and they went silent. "So much it hurts." You look down over the railing. "I could have died today without telling you. That doesn't sit right with me."

Soap whispered out your name and then you suddenly felt his arms around you. He pulled you into his chest and Ghost pressed his chest against your back. Sandwiched in between them you were engulfed in their bodies and warmth. 

"We love you too, lass. Always."

-

Reunited

2022

Your legs burned. Most of your energy has already been spent on the mission. Now every Shadow in Las Almas was out to get you and you really just wanted a warm bed. Separated from the rest of your squad and alone in the dark, you could only hope that Soap and Ghost made it out. 

Any hope to reunite with them had been thrown out the window when your radio broke. It didn't matter if you survived, only if they did. A trail of bodies marked where at least one of them had been. In all honesty, you couldn't tell the difference between Soaps or Ghosts kills. All were expertly done. 

At the moment you could feel it. The difference between you and them. They were the best of the best. You? You certainly weren't bad but your spot in the team was one due to convenience and the information that they needed at the time. They would survive and you would not. Somehow the fact didn't make you was. 

So long as they continued on. That's what mattered. That was the realisation you made as you slid down against a wall. A line of blood painted the wall behind you until you met the ground. The bullet wound that had gone clean through you had been attended to by the best of your ability but it was almost impossible to deal with the hole in your back. 

You wondered if a Shadow would find you first or if you would just bleed out. A fate so many civilians of Las Alma's were given. A blinding light in the darkness had you squeeze your eyes shut. It was like the sun on steroids. It didn't matter much because the second you closed your eyes they became far too heavy to reopen. 

"Fuck it's her. She bleeding bad."

"Get her in back, we need to go now." 

Those voices, angels of their own kind. A weak smile curled on your face and you managed to grasp out while you were moved about. "Johnny." You weakly whispered and put your bloody hand on his face. 

"I got you, we got you."

-

Care

2021

The lights were far too bright but nothing like you had experienced before. A groan left your lips and you attempted to move only to be stopped. A hand kept you still but you pushed away. 

"Stop that else I'll let you bleed out."

"Simon?"

"Scared the shit outta us you know that?"

"’M sorry."

"Should be." You cracked your eyes open to meet his. 

"Where are we?"

"A safe house Alejandro told me about. I patched up your wounds. You've been out for a while. Lucky too."

"That I didn't bleed out?"

"That nothing happened to you while we were gone."

"You left?"

"Had to, the three of us got Alejandro out of prison. The old man showed up with Gaz as well."

"Thank fuck they're okay." 

Ghost continued to repatch your wound and your eyes cast across the room. 

"What's going on?"

"Plans to take back the base." His eyes met yours as your mouth opened. "No your not coming." 

You bit your tongue for a second and nodded. Silence ran between the pair of you, only the sound of the Vaqueros around you chattering away prevented true silence. 

"Thought you were dead." 

"Felt like it."

"You didn't radio in."

"It got busted." 

"You took a bullet for Johnny."

"Rather I take it than him."

"He wanted to stay, to look for you."

"And you were the voice of reason I presume. 

"Don't do that again."

"Ghost…" 

His back straightened up and his eyes narrowed. "Wanted to search the entire city for you."

"That's Johnny for you-"

"-We both did."

"I…You made the right move in the end. Leaving."

"Couldn't lose Johnny as well. Wasn't easy convincing him to leave the city. Pure luck we found you."

"I don't know why you're mad at me. What did you want me to do?"

"You were ready to die there. You gave gave up. Don't ever stop fighting because we won't stop fighting to get you back. Ever. We're a team. Don't you forget that."

-

Roadtrip

2022

It had been hours that the group of you had been in the car. Save for the few put-stops made along the way. Ghost sat in the driver's seat to the right while Soap was on the left. The sun above was oh-so bright while the roads were relatively clear. 

With your seatbelt stretched far, you leaned on Ghost's seat in front of you. There was only sometimes chatter among the pair of you. A comfortable silence settled in and was only disrupted when one of you saw something of interest outside the window. 

The current silence was when your ears perked up. "Oh my god, I love this song. Turn it." You patted Soap's shoulder. Ghost was the one to turn it up but didn't say a word. 

"Fan of Elton John huh?" Soap smiled over his shoulder.

His question was answered by your singing that picked up in the car. A wide grin spread across his face as he continued the duet with you. 

Honey if I get restless

Baby, you’re not the type 

That grin on his face was reflected on yours as you bobbed your head side to side with the music. Soap turned it up a little bit more. 

When I was down

I was your clown 

"An't that the truth." Ghost muttered and you slapped him on the shoulder but you couldn't help but laugh into the song. 

Don't go breaking my heart

I won't go breaking your heart

-

Dance

2023

Soap and Ghost finally made it into the pub where Price and Laswell waited for them. There was a calm relaxed vibe in the room as the two men settled down with drinks in hand. 

"Laswell. Captain." Ghost greeted and Ghost followed. 

"Boys."

"Where's the other two?" Soap asked and Price lifted his glass to point towards the jukebox. There in front of it, you danced with Gaz. Poorly at that. Music blared seemingly louder when the pair of them looked. 

Your head tilted back as you laughed only to duck down under Gaz's arm as the pair of you danced. Ever so faintly they could hear the pair of you sing along. 

Ghost pulled out his seat and sat down, not taking his eyes off you for a moment. Soap did the same and while a piece of him wished that was him there with you- it brought him joy to see you having so much fun with Gaz. 

Ghost's hand settled on Soap's knee under the table. The need for touch, any touch. "Been at it for a while those two have." Price lifted his drink to his lips. 

"Make quite the dance couple." It was rare for them to see Laswell with her hair down, even if it was metaphorically.  

"Mentioned something about not dancing since she moved out."

"They lived together?" Ghost asked. 

"Briefly when she first moved to England from what I heard. Seems the dancing queens have finished up, you can ask yourself."

-

Love

2023

The smell of sex filled the air as you cuddled up to Simon's side. Completely bare, not even his mask protected his face. He looked directly at the ceiling as your head rested on his chest. Johnny mirrored you on the other side. 

"I love you both." You hummed seemingly out of nowhere. Soap cocked a brow and Simon looked down at you. 

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

-

His End. 

2023

There was something about going as fast as you possibly could and still being late. There was something about trying your damn hardest and still losing. There was something about giving your all and it all being taken. 

There was something about arriving only to find your heart on the ground. Already dead. Just the last to know. 

The sound of the trains ran in your ear. Gaz and Price's voices were so distant even though they were only a few metres away. The talk of a red wire met your ears but didn't enter. You were the first to crumble. 

Your knees hit the ground in shock as your hand shakily reached for his face. Still warm. Still so so warm. You had just missed him. Two minutes early- two minutes and he would have been there. There, safe in your arms, not cooling on the ground. 

"Simon." It was your other lover's name you called. In that moment the small whisper could only be heard by him as crouched next to you. It was all you could say. A beg for him to do something as if he could resurrect the man before you. 

Broken and unsure, he was always the one with answers. The one that knew how to make things right. Not this time though. Tears didn't swell in your eyes. They couldn't. All you felt was cold. Shock cursing through you. No longer were you a hardened soldier but a young woman. A woman who had just lost her love. 

When you finally looked up you found you weren't alone. Anger coursed through Price, a silent anger that oh had never seen before. A violent one that was only controlled by the tightness of his first. 

Gaz had a sadness to his. He leaned down to close Johnny's eyes and you couldn't help the choke gasp that left your lips as he did so. When you finally dared to look at Simon's eyes, his met yours and you saw the glassy layer of tears that threatened but wouldn't fall. 

He was gone. 

-

Home

2023

It wasn't often you left without Ghost. Yet when the group of you silently got back to base, you didn't bother to go to the debriefing. You couldn't. Your body was on complete autopilot as the sight of Soap dead on the floor played your kind

That autopilot got you home. Not to the apartment that you shared with Soap and Ghost but your own apartment.  The one you hadn't been to in what felt like years. Only the odd check-up for the sake of your insurance. 

The door was pushed open and your feet took you inside. Your fingers found the record player and you turned it on. Just like you used to do many years ago when you first settled in there. 

She packed my bags last night, pre-flight

Then you broke. Snapped. You were brought back and you let out a howl. A deathly scream and the damn burst. Johnny was gone and he was never coming back. Every moment had been the last. Only alive in memory, that promising future or his had been sniffled out. 

It's lonely out in space

You swore out and grabbed the first thing you saw- a lamp- and smashed it down on the ground. "Johnny!" You screamed. A horse scream, one from the very pit of your core. The side table was pushed over as you saw red. Tears streamed down your face as you smashed the glass coffee table in front of your sofa. You didn't care that the glass cut into your first when it collided. It didn't matter in the grand scheme of things. 

The television was the next to go. The DVD player was the perfect object to be filled out and sent into the middle of it. 

Rocket man, burning out his fuse up here alone

Your CD collection, partially empty now thrown to the ground. What caught your eye though, was the pistol that had been strapped to the bottom of your side table. It had fallen from the holster and in a moment of grief, you picked it up. 

The buzz of Gaz's phone had him pick up. It wasn't often that Ghost called him. 

"Do you know where she is?"

"Went home didn't she?" Gaz's voice was quiet, tired. 

"Not here. She's not picking up her phone either." Ghost didn't need to say that he was worried, Gaz already knew. 

"Well, she could have meant her home. She has an apartment not too far from the base. I can text you the address. I have a key."

"I'll meet you there.”

The apartment building was rather dark when he arrived. In all honesty, the place you picked wasn’t the greatest. A shithole of an apartment complex really. But it was discrete and the neighbours never complained. Or at least they had never complained when he would share late nights with you with the music up loud. 

Gaz knocked on the door a couple of times but didn’t receive an answer. Doubt crept up on him, perhaps you didn’t go back there. Regardless, he had to check. The key slid into the slot with ease and he pushed the door open. He silently swore as he saw the scene before him. Your entire apartment had been completely trashed, everything destroyed without mercy.

A light buzz from your record player hummed in the air but besides that, there was little sound. Or so he originally thought. As he took a step inside he heard the faintest of sobs coming from the kitchen. Gaz was on high alert and his hand went to the pistol at his hip. But when he reached the kitchen his shoulders dropped and his brows softened. 

“Hey, hey, hey.” He rushed to your side. You sat on the floor with your back leaning against a kitchen cabinet. Blood ran down one of your hands. “What happened? W-”

“He's gone.” For a moment he thought you meant an intruder, someone trying to hurt you but realisation was quick to cross his face. Alarm bells went off in his head as his eye went to the gun that shook slightly in your trembling hand. 

“I can’t… I can’t do it anymore Kyle. He's gone and I can’t… I can’t bear to be away from him.” 

His head tilted in empathy as tears rolled down your face. 

“I just want to be with him again. I wish we never went down there.”

“We had to, thousands would have died.”

A bitter laugh left your lips and you choked on your tears. “I know it's selfish of me to say but I would have preferred that. Anything to have him back.”

“You know that and I know you don’t mean that.”

“Fuck, I do. I really do Gaz. I love him so much.”

“He loved you too but he wouldn’t have wanted that.”

“Well, it doesn’t fucking matter anymore because he's gone.” You shouted out and waved the gun. “I’m so tired. So so tired. He didn’t deserve that. He's too good of a man. I would have given anything to trade places.”

“Your right, he was a good man.” Kyle moved so he was sitting next to you against the kitchen counter. “The best. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone so head over heels for someone. For you and Ghost. I know for certain if something happened to either of you, any of us really, he woulda tore the world apart.” Gaz put his hand on your knee. 

“I wish I could  held him,  have told him I loved him one more time.”

“He knew and I think it does matter what he wanted because you care about him. He would want you here with Ghost. If you…” Gaz paused, he couldn’t bring himself to say those words killed yourself. “Hung it in early, he’d be alone. He just lost Johnny, just like you did. I don’t think there would be anything left to him if something happened to you.” 

“I…”

“Simon loves you. He’d be completely shattered. Just like the rest of us would.”

Your tears came down harder but he watched as your grip loosened on the gun and made the slightest twitch towards him. Slowly and gently, he took it from you and placed it on the countertop behind you. Gaz turned towards you and offered you a hug, one you took without hesitation and cried into his shoulder. Messy and wet but he didn’t care. His hand went to soothe your back as he held you tight. 

As he looked over your shoulder his eyes made contact with Ghost’s. His eyes were glassy but hardened as he stood there frozen. “You’re not alone in this. I promise, we all hurting just as much. But we’re a team yeah? We got each other's back.” 

You pulled back from Gaz and nodded. His hand came up your your cheek and wiped away the tears. “Ghost and I are gonna patch you up okay.”

“Ghost?” Your voice was small and vulnerable.

“Right here.” His voice came from behind you and you turned your head around. Guilt consumed your face and your eyes dropped. Ghost crouched down next to you and slowly took your bloodied hand. 

“Promise me that you will stay.” Tears rolled down his face and were swallowed by the lower part of his mask. Neither of you had ever seen the man cry before. “Please.”

“I’m sorry.” You nodded your head and he pulled you into his arms. 

“I can’t lose you.” He kissed the top of your head, his hands were shaking.

-

Call

2023 

“-Yeah, I’m with them now. At her apartment with Ghost. It’s been a long night.”

“That Price?” Ghost’s voice was quiet as he looked over the sofa to see Gaz in the kitchen on the phone. Gaz nodded towards him before he walked over.

“Here's Ghost now.”

“You holding up?” Price’s gruff voice came through the phone and Ghost looked down to his lap where you lay there asleep. You were curled up to him, your hand now bandaged up. 

“I’ll manage.”

“How is she?”

“Better not, almost lost her.”

“Yeah, Gaz mentioned. How bad is she?”

“She's strong, she’ll heal. It will always hurt but she can handle it.”

“Good. When you can tell her to take some time, the both of you.”

“Makarov’s still out there.”

“He is but we have allies and I won’t let something happen to hurt on my watch. She’ll need you.” Ghost gently stroked your head. “What about Johnny?”

“I’ve got the flights sorted, it’s what I originally called Gaz for. We leave in the afternoon.”

“Understood.”

“And Ghost? Take care.” Ghost's eyes looked over your calm face, still there. Still his. Still alive.  

“Will do.”

-

Let go

The cool breeze soothed your body as you watched as Ghost opened the urn and let the wind catch.

Johnny's ashes spread out in a swirl, destined for the water below. Despite all the pain and all the grief you could help but smile. Just ever so slightly. Gaz had been right. It did matter what Johnny wanted. He would have liked this, to be returned home. He would have liked all four of you there with him. 

Kyle gently squeezed your hand and you wiped away the silent tears on your face. It would be easy dealing with the pain and grief but in that moment, you knew things would get better. 

[violin-check]

Hi! I’m just curious about Rocky from Lackadaisy, and if there’s any inaccuracies in his playing within the pilot.

[I.D: Screenshot of Lackadaisy where Rocky plays violin on a bridge. Behind him is one of the bridge's support beams and a view of a river, the moon, and a city on the river banks. His bow is on the strings, a little closer to the frog than the tip. End I.D]

Admittedly I'm not familiar with this show, but I did go ahead and find this scene of him playing violin, and honestly, I'm pretty impressed with how it's animated. There seems to be a good deal of care and attention put into how Rocky plays, and there's a couple things that I really appreciated.

[I.D. Two screenshots side by side of Rocky playing violin. His bow sits on the strings at the tip as he shifts to about fifth position, his hand moving to rest against the body of the instrument. End I.D.]

First of all: shifting. It's a pretty common thing in more advanced violin music, but isn't necessarily shown that much. It's really nice seeing it show up, especially in such a casual moment of a guy playing for himself as he monologues. He's not performing for anyone, but he's still playing well.

Another example of his variety in technique: in the clip, he uses his left hand (bow hand) to pluck the strings at one point, and plays double stops (two strings at once) at a few others. I get the sense listening to the music he's playing that he knows what he's doing, and is probably a decently advanced musician. Also, the music that he plays is impressive, as he basically seems to be improvising in this scene. He's messing around, basically, but there's solid technique behind it.

There's also a lot of attention paid to which string he's playing on- the angle of the bow is very different for the higher notes and the lower notes, meaning that the animators were actually paying attention to how a violin would be played. For example, in the above screenshots, he's playing on the E string (high notes), and has a mostly vertical bow. I also appreciate the fluidity of his bowing in the clip, especially the wrist position and movements.

There are a couple of shots in the clip where the proportions of the violin seem off- mostly at the start, when it looks too big for him. There's some weird bow hand positions are some points, and also a few places where the fingering seems a bit off. A lot of the time his fingers don't really seem to be changing the string they're on, but that's a matter of trying to animate super precise motions that most people wouldn't notice so I'll let it slide lol. (And to be fair, fingering probably works different when you have less fingers anyway. Maye his violin would be tuned differently than a real one?)

His violin doesn't seem to have a chin rest and he isn't using a shoulder rest either, but again, that makes sense from an animation standpoint. Besides, while those are common in modern day playing, this show has more of a historical distant past setting from what I can tell.

My overall vibe from this character is that he clearly knows what he's doing with his violin, but that he's also just playing for himself. He's not performing, he's not trying to impress anyone, he's just playing violin and enjoying it. I might be a little more critical of a few areas of weird technique if he were supposed to be playing an existing piece or performing for an audience, but overall I think for the most part the breaks in technique match the general air of carelessness/ carefreeness Rocky is giving off.

I do, however, question how often he would have to replace his strings given that long nails are a no-no with violins, and he has obviously pointed claws. He probably breaks his strings fairly often lol.

[brandonduhaimes]

Summer on you

Gif credits to owner

Pairing: Matt Boldy x reader

Length: 991 words

Preface: Summer days at the lake house with bolds

Authors note: Happy birthday bolds!

You and Matt were currently on the way to Jack's for a weekend with the world junior team. As you pulled into the large driveway you noticed Jack coming outside with grilling tongs in hand. You smiled and waved as Jack ran up to the car. Matt rolled down the window smiling at his friend.

"How you doing Y/n?" He asks.

"Pretty great! It's been a busy couple weeks so the break this weekend will be nice." You smile as Matt makes his way back around the car with your bags.

"Which room are we in huggy?" He asks and Jack takes one of the suitcases from Matt showing you to your room.

"You guys are in here, we are going to grill out and then go down by the lake for the day." Jack says "I'll leave you guys here I have to go make sure Trevor isn't burning the house down."

"We will see you in a little bit!" Matt yells after him and you laugh as he throws the bags up onto the bed.

"Should we change and get downstairs?" You ask and Matt nods. The two of you take turns using the bathroom and putting on swimsuit and a T-shirt.

As you make your way down the stairs you can hear assorted screaming and laughing coming from what you assumed was the kitchen.

As you walk into the kitchen you can smell the aroma of chicken kebabs and rice. When you walked in you saw Alex, Cole and Trevor huddled around the stove inspecting the food being made. You laugh and grab the plates off the counter working on setting the table on the patio.

After this you make your way back into the kitchen where you immediately find yourself tackled in a hug from the boys. You catch up with the three of them and wait for Matt to make his way downstairs.

About five minutes later Matt finally made his way downstairs and everyone sat down to eat. Lunch went well with lots of chirping and loud laughter. Jack then directed everyone down to the lake where people spent hours swimming, yelling, racing jet skis and making each other laugh.

Towards the end of the night you and Matt ran to the store and got stuff for sandwiches and s'mores. You could have spent hours walking around the grocery store enjoying the quiet and looking at different things.

"This is kind of nice" Matt says and you smile at him.

"It feels normal to me, not like its something that we do all the time but I never thought I could actually enjoy grocery shopping." You reply and Matt hums in agreement.

You guys made your way up to the cashiers and Matt paid. With the errands finished the two of you made your way back to Jack's.

Jack had the fire started when the two of you returned and you both took the open swing Matt pulling you on top of him.

The other boys left slowly throughout the night until eventually it was just the two of you left on the swing.

"Come here, I want to show you something." Matt pushes both of you up and leads you towards the shoreline. He pulls out a canoe from the rack and pushes it into the water.

As he helps you into the canoe and you two make your way out into the lake you cant help but notice how beautiful the lights along the shoreline. Shortly after Matt pulls up to a secluded area with a small open cliff set. He pulls up underneath it and shines his phone light up to the top.

You look up to see a beautiful ceiling above full of tiny little white crystals that almost looked like stars.

"Matt its beautiful, how did you find this?" You question and he smiles and rubs the back of his neck.

"I got into a fight with Cole the first year I came here so i went kayaking and explored some of the caves around here. It was really fun so I did that for most of the summer when I wasn't training." He smiles looking back up at the roof of the cave "It was always pretty quiet around here so it was nice for when I needed a break. This one was my favorite just because it had the ceiling."

"Does anyone else know this is here?" You ask and Matt shrugs.

"I don't really know I haven't ever run into anyone here but I bet that other people have found it before. I never told any of the guys about it, I didn't want one of their girls posting it and having people figuring out where we live."

"That makes sense, I kind of like that I'm the first one to see this." You reply.

"Me too." Matt lets the conversation be there and you take in the ceiling that somehow gets more beautiful every time you look at it.

"Y/n I want you to know that I love you. I love you endlessly, you're the only person I've ever loved this much." Matt says quickly and you smile at him.

"I love you so much too Matthew, I wouldn't want to be with anyone else." You kiss him gently on the lips and he smiles slighty into the kiss. After a few seconds you separate and Matt grabs your pinkie with his.

You stay in the cave a little bit longer enjoying each other's company before you both decide to head in for the night.

On your way back to shore you stop and wonder how you had such an amazing boyfriend. You loved him and he loved you and that was al the two of you needed.

[jabbage]

I keep seeing a post floating around from an aspec person saying how they'd been made to feel monstrous and broken and wrong.

I went through those feelings in my teens and twenties and had some really dark times. I think that society gives us such limited views of what happiness and success look like, and it can be crushing. If you're someone who knows you're not going to pair off or get married or have kids, it's hard to know what a happy domesticity looks like?

I'm in my early 30s now, and I'm so contented with my life. I thought I'd share a little, in case it gives anyone a bit of hope to see one form a happy life can take which isn't perhaps the mainstream?

I wake up to find my little cat purring on my chest, and I give her a cuddle.

I get dressed in a new suit I've brought. I realised recently that off-the-shelf clothes never fit me right, so I've been saving up money to have them adjusted at a tailor. It fits perfectly now and I feel great in it. It's taken a while, but I feel like I've finally nailed a style for myself.

I walk to work, through the park so I can admire the flowers. This takes longer, but it gives me some exercise and I enjoy having the time to think. I stop off at a shop on the way and get some nice sandwiches, my favourite kind of pastry and a drink. Normally I make a pack lunch, but this is my weekly Tuesday Treat.

I have a morning meeting with some of my coworkers, who I feel value me and my work. Personal organisation in my worklife has been a struggle for me, but recently I realised I'm one of those folks who probably has ADHD and wasn't caught by the system. Just knowing this has given me so many new tools which are designed for the way by brain works, and I feel so much more confidant.

For the rest of the day instead of staying in my office I work on a picnic table in the sunshine, occasionally stopping to watch some skateboarders. At lunchtime I eat the food I bought, and I chec discord and catch up with online shenanigans. I enjoy having friendships I've forged with people across the world. I love to visit people and to travel, and my independent lifestyle gives me chance to do that. I also like having people over to stay. I like to say I'm like Bilbo Baggins, I live along in my little hobbit hole but if you come round I'll cook you an elaborate dinner and put you up for the night.

After work I go on a free guided history walk around my local area, and find out about lots of little historical things of interest I hadn't seen before. I also meet new people. Even if I never see them again, it's nice to have that moment of connection. When I get home, I video call with my parents and we share our news with each other.

I cook a quick dinner - these days I don't put pressure on myself to do anything too elaborate. I figure if frozen chopped onion and ready meals help me to eat moderately well and keep healthy, I'll use them. I have some cream which needs using, so eat it with some absolutely monstrous strawberries.

I check my personal emails with my cat purring away on my lap. I've got a little side gig writing and illustrating. I worry that I'm not very good and It doesn't make me much money and I know I'll never be famous (do I even want to be?!), but I do enjoy it. Sometimes I'm confronted with a pile of rejections which can hurt, but it's all good stuff today: the money from a book I worked on came in. There are some more details about a talk I'm giving at the British Library later this year. My agent is sending some possible opportunities my way.

I still have a few hours before bed, so I work on a creative project for a bit. Not something I'm being paid for today: it's a personal craft project. I realised a while ago I have a bad habit of monetising everything, so now I make sure to set aside time in the week to work on things that will be presents for myself or friends.

And then when it gets to about 11, I snuggle under the covers and read PG Wodehouse. I giggle. A lot.

It's been a hard slog, but I suddenly find that I'm a very happy person. There's no partner-shaped or child-shaped hole in my life. I'm content. Every life has highs and lows of course, some days are better than others. I'm sure I'll have many troubles to face in the future, but I consider my asexuality to be a positive and joyful facet of my life.

[silverwarewolf]

happy storyteller saturday!! hello hello! what are you working on lately and which parts are you the most excited for? also, how is my friend alexandro doing :3

hi hi hi thanks for the ask!! i am answering on saturday this time actually lol!!

lately, i have been editing over what i have written so far on Lugubrious Lullabies. I guess on tuesday i did do some plot outlining for Bloody Whiskey but... ehhhhhh.

I am very excited to stop editing - i am sprinkling in some more foreshadowing about the End of the World and also the relationship between Isaak and Andrea. it's a bit difficult to juggle the fact that the audience Already Knows but the character certainly Do Not.

sometimes i wonder if i should change it so that even the audience doesn't know. i will have to weigh the surprise factor against the angst of knowing all along.

whichever the case, foreshadowing is always good. and once i finish adding that in, i'll most likely get to write a very cool fighting / tension scene, which ties perfectly into your other question

ALEXANDRO TIME!!!

He's been... going on a wild ride. recently he finally ditched Andrea and that got A LOT of stress off of his shoulders. returning to the life of a mercenary for hire isn't all that appealing (mostly due to financial safety, Andrea paid really well) but it's better than traveling with her.

the upcoming fight scene will be between him and Isaak - i believe i had already shared that snippet a long time ago, and i've rewritten it at least three times ever since.

it's a very specific vibe that i want between "holy crap my life is in danger" and "i kinda empathize with this cursed mercenary" and "he's kinda hot but maybe that's just my adrenaline" and honestly? if it were literally anyone else it would be fine, but isaak is so bad at admitting what he feels that right now it's just a pot of muddy soup

we'll get there eventually, though!

after the fight scene... i think i'll give alexandro a rest. he deserves good things after going thorugh so much. i wonder what sort of nice things he would like...

[tuliptiger]

The problem with living, here in USA America, and maybe partly just being alive and human? But I sincerely hope it's relatively contained in capitalist and capitalist adjacent countries...

Is that you DO want more, you want more money, more experiences, more fulfillment, more life, more comfort, more time, more...More.

And the thing is I recognize there is a threshold somewhere of needs met. And if I'm looking at my life making $36,000 a year before taxes in Oregon... I'm maybe fine? I can buy food and gas money and have a car payment. I have a lot of things. I can meet a quality of life that can be better than most.

I live on my own I want to own a house, I want to bring my pets over by me and out of my moms house. I want extra money to do things go places and eat REALLY really nice food every once and a while. I want to travel and give money to my friends and family. I want to have hobbies. I want! I want things.

I want more. But like if I logic my way through everything I can't really own a house, I had to get my moms help doing that and do work myself. It's 800 sq ft and I didn't even want a house that big. I could use less. I'll probably have to have her help me make payments. I was forced to take another job that makes more money at $49,000 a year instead of $35,000. Which isn't a lot more but it might be life changing.

I'm trying to find the threshold. If I explain it out and say all the things I do have it's like. Hey you should be good right?

But I don't have a savings account I just have equity. "Just have equity" not everyone has this either. But I have no security if I get injured or if something catastrophic happens with my house or car. I don't feel safe I only have my youth for now which I'm relying on way too heavily to carry me into a place and time where my debts paid off and I can start saving. And my youth is running out.

I want. I want a nice home I want a savings account I want to do more things. I already have it well enough. I do. I have my freedom and the time and will to choose who I hang out with and where I go and how I spend my time. It just. It still feels like I'm in transition and it might until everything I have is paid off free and clear. If that happens.

I just hope I figure out when "it's" enough. I don't want to endlessly chase forever I don't want to live the American dream. I want to be thankful and grateful and I want to know when enough is enough and when it's not and not feel bad for wanting more. I want less but I want more. I want to feel...solid and firm. I'm tired, and tired of always feeling on the cusp of something, tired of feeling contradictory.

I want security and to feel safe and live well. Not at the cost of others and ideally not wholly at the cost of myself either. I want.

[asexualcorvidae]

There's something to be said about the public performance of discussing concepts like "how one's year went" and "plans for the next year" publically, but there's something nice about sharing these thoughts with the world - even if they are mostly melancholy this year.

This year has been... mixed, to say the least. On a personal level, I don't have much to comment on. I had a paid month off of work in May, which I spent traveling to a few places to see people I haven't seen in a long time (as well as visit family). This time off was really nice. Really, really nice. I wish this wasn't a once-in-a-blue-moon thing. I found such regularity in being around other people.

Beyond the personal, work has been much improved. A very long & tedious project finally finished. (Mostly. It has been over half a year and I am still helping to clean things up. I don't mind it, though; it can be interesting work at times, and when it isn't, it helps to pass the time.) Now that this monster of a project is done, work has mostly been steady & consistent - which is a boon considering Everything Else Going On.

Oh, the medical stuff. It started slowly this year, with a diagnostic colonoscopy + endoscopy revealing nothing regarding my energy levels, and has since spiraled into 5 months of endless appointments and tedious "following-up-on-people-who-should-have-done-things-independently". My PCP sucks (2 months to go until I get a new one) and treated me like shit. I got off of continuous iron supplementation, finally, after over 5 years. I tapered down my SSRIs. (I could not come off them completely, because apparently Lexapro enhances the affects of Adderall, and changing my Adderall dose during the ongoing DEA-manufactured "shortage" is, in my opinion, a non-starter.) I was diagnosed with obstructive sleep apnea & have been working to adjust to sleeping with a CPAP machine, which is still an ongoing process. I finally got into physical therapy, struggled immensely with it, and was then referred to aquatic physical therapy, which has gone really well - perhaps the only medical thing that really has gone well this year. I'm still seeing eating disorder specialists, even if I haven't made much headway there. (There's too much going on.) I still have many problems, and many which I believe to still be undiagnosed & untreated. I'm better than I was 2 years ago, but I don't think I'm better than I was last year.

I do think I've improved with keeping up with chores. I've hammered down quite a few to keep up with on a weekly basis. (Laundry, dishwasher, trash, recycling, mail, and groceries.) It is... mixed at times, but I do what I am able to. I overhauled a lot of what was in my bathroom this year too. I replaced my shower curtains. I finally had maintenance replace my shower head, after owning the thing for over 2 years. I got new bath mats. I cleaned out much of the old medicines & supplies. (The supplies are still waiting to be donated. That's for another day.)

That's about all I have for a reflection on the previous year. I don't fully remember what my resolve was for this year - if I had to hazard a guess, I wanted to keep a focus on medical things (which I definitely did, for better or for worse) and maintain some structure with chores (which is much improved over the past year - I am, at the very least, basically never backlogged on anything I consider to be in a maintenance state).

As for next year... the medical focus is self-explanatory (and necessary). I actually might even join a gym??? (It's really terrible that there's no way to access a warm water pool without paying for it in some capacity. Medical care is gate kept by money! Unsurprising.) I'll keep tweaking my CPAP settings in pursuit of better sleep. I would, eventually, like to get off of Lexapro entirely. A new PCP will hopefully mean a new set of eyes on all of my symptoms. And, energy permitting, I'd like to get back into cooking - which I think will help my eating disorder a bit. (I'm not sure if I will be able to do it without the support of a meal kit service. I'd like to be able to do that, but I'm really not sure where I stand there.)

Beyond the medical, I want work to remain mostly stable. I'll keep advocating to be paid more, but I'm not expecting much. At this point, the health insurance is so worthwhile that I'm not particularly interested in moving jobs (or moving period). And in my personal life, I want to keep working to make my apartment somewhere I am happy to be in - somewhere I am proud to have decorated and am proud to maintain.

That's about it. I hope 2024 is a better year. (At the very least, I hope it is okay.)

[girlscience]

Downloaded tumblr again specifically to complain about my new apartment :/ I am so grateful I have a place to live, don't get me wrong. But it already has several issues and I've only been here a little over 24 hours.

First, the smell I noticed when I first saw the place, was in fact, piss. We scrubbed a lot yesterday and it still isn't gone. I will be scrubbing the floors on my hands and knees, and scrubbing the walls with a cleaning solution, and placing candles and air smelly doohickies around. Hopefully that will fix the problem. Second, the toilet pump is broken and sprays water all over, which wouldn't be an issue if the toilet lid fit (which it doesn't), so the toilet tank leaks. Third, both sinks leak. The kitchen sink I figured out is leaking from the connection of the water pipes to the faucet, but I can't figure out where the bathroom sink leaks from.

Other things that aren't issues, but are annoying is that first, this place is just slightly smaller than my last. Which is totally fine!! I prefer a smaller home, but it means that my furniture just barely doesn't quite fit right. So that means I am going to have to do a lot of finagling to get things to work/look right. And I have to get rid of my coffee table (no real biggie though, I didn't love it anyway). Second, the apartment has a window ac unit, which again, is fine, it works very well. However I don't know how to really program it (it does have some options for that), and looking online wasn't helpful, so I kind of just have it on full blast or totally off right now. And that isn't really sustainable long term, so figuring it out is going to be a pain. And third, I was told there was wifi/internet paid for until september, but the router has no cords and it isn't on. So, I am going to have to call the company to get that figured out, which means I'll probably end up having to set up an account now and start paying for it now rather than waiting.

However! There are several things I love about my new place :) It has vinyl flooring in all the rooms except the bedroom and I have always wanted to live somewhere without carpet. It has very nice windows, and it even has one in the bathroom; something else I have always wanted in my home! It has ceiling fans in the living room and the bedroom (which is the more important one!), which is something I have missed a lot after moving out of my parents. And lastly, it has a bit of a backyard area. I am thinking about getting a little baby grill, so I can cook and chill out there some nights.

I am all moved in though! My family left about an hour ago, I have already started moving things from how they set them up to how I want them lol. I am very thankful they were able to help me move, but they do not know how I like to live. I have sooo many things to hang up on my walls, and I need to get a desk and the internet set up, but after that I should be all settled! I am very excited and very nervous about this new part of my life.

[akihabaradivision]

ARB Birthday Special: Keiko Yumi

~~ December 22nd ~~

"The first draft is just you telling yourself the story."

Login Lines:

*Sighs* "Finally done! Hopefully once I send these in, my publisher will get off my back for the next month or so. ...And in record time too! Once I drop these off I can head to work and see what assignments Nemu-san has for me. ...Hmm? A message from... Nemu-san? 'Work is canceled. Enjoy your birthday.' My... birthday?!"

"How foolish can I get? I've been so busy with work I neglected to notice today was the day of my birth! I messaged Nemu-san back thanking her, though canceling work was unnecessary. ...She didn't message me back, but I assume it was because she was busy with work of her own. ...But still, what am I going to do with this free time I have?"

Voice Lines:

"I received a lot of 'happy birthdays' and such from the people of Akihabara, which is nice. ...You know, it's funny. Back when I was younger, nobody really paid me any attention. I was just another face in the crowd, so to speak. And if they did pay me attention, it was usually always negative. I can't count the number of times I got bullied back in high school. I definitely don't miss those days."

"...I don't believe it. Otome-sama, herself, sent me a 'happy birthday'! I don't believe it! I always figured that I wasn't worthy enough to be in the Prime Minister's shadow. That I was just one of the many people working under her. I mean, not that I don't mind working for Chuohku, but... too be recognized by the Prime Minister, herself. This is an honor I don't take for granted!"

"What the...? Where did all these gifts come from?! Are these all for me? Most of them are from my friends at school. ...Ha. Like I mentioned earlier, when I was younger I was used to being ignored or bullied. But now, I'm adored. I don't know if its because of my manga or just because I'm in the D.R.B. ...One thing is for sure, I definitely don't miss high school. Uni beats that place any day."

"Sheesh, it's going to take a while to get through all of these gifts. Here's a fancy one! It says it's from... my mom. Tch, great. What did that hag have the audacity to send me for my birthday? ...Some cash for my birthday? How original. And what's this now? ...A photo of my high school graduation? ...Tch, I won't ask how she managed to take a photo of me like this. Probably asked grandma for it. The nerve of her! She thinks me so soft sending me this will make me forgive her?! To hell with that, and her!" *Throws the present in the garbage, not giving it a second thought*

"Criss? What are you doing here? I mean, not that I'm not glad you're here, but I thought you mentioned in your last letter you were stranded on Hokkaido exploring a haunted hospital or something. ...You hitched a ride with someone? How many times do I have to tell you that's not safe? There are a lot of dangerous people out there, Criss. Any one of them could do something to you if you're not careful." *Sighs* "Well, I suppose the important thing is you're back home and safe. But please be more mindful next time."

"...You got me a birthday gift? Not that's it not unappreciated, but how? I thought you were out of money? ...Ah, that explains it, I guess. So, what is it? ...A hoodie? Oh, and it features a manga artist on it. Cute. It looks really nice. Plus, you got it in pink, my favorite color. Thanks Criss. This was really sweet."

"Nikki? You're here? Wow, someone alert the papers! The recluse actually left her room, for my birthday, no less! I'll definitely have to mark this date down on calendar! ...Haha! Sorry, I couldn't help myself. But really, I'm glad to see you've gotten out of your room, at least, once this week."

"Anyway, are you here to wish me a 'happy birthday' too or... A gift? From you? ...Wow, I'm definitely going to have mark this day down. ...A drawing tablet? ...Wait, this is a Wicom Cintiq Pro, isn't it? Do you know how expensive these things are, Nikki?!" *Sighs* "Fine, I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. But I really find it disgusting that you earn more than I do when you work far less. ...Yeah, whatever."

Criss Lines:

"Hey Keiko! Happy birthday! ...I was stranded, but thankfully, I managed to hitch a ride with some nice gentlemen who gave me a lift back to Tokyo! Oh, come on, Keiko! They were really nice gentlemen! Trust me, I have an inkling if I feel someone is dangerous or not. ...Alright, I'll be more mindful, but I'm really okay, as you can see."

"Anyway, here's your birthday gift! ...Oh, my check came in from my YouTube videos! It wasn't as much as usual, but it was enough to get you a gift. Ta-da! It's a mangaka hoodie! I saw it on the way here, and thought it would really suit you! ...Thanks Keiko! Glad you like it. Promise me you'll wear it, okay?"

Nikki Lines:

"Hey Keiko. ...Are you quite finished? ...You know, if you're going to act like this, then I'll just leave. I don't have to stand here and be ridiculed for my life choices. ...Whatever. Anyway, here's your birthday gift. ...Yes, it's a drawing tablet, one of the most expensive ones on the market, FYI. The guy I ordered it from said this would help with artists who draw digitally. ...Look, if you don't want it, I can always return it and get my money back. ...What can I say? Video games are my bread and butter and they earn me money."

[sorcerous-caress]

sorry if this is annoying but why don’t you like astarion?

Hey it's alright, it doesn't sound annoying and I'm happy to answer.

I like Astarion, I actually love Astarion a lot. He was the sole reason I bought the game in early access and learned DnD mechanics, i have never played a game like Baldur's Gate 3 before.

A detailed overview below bc I love talking.

I saw a tiktok, thought he looked hot and he is an elf that's a bonus and I installed the game thinking it will like the witcher where you waltz around sleeping with any hot person.

I was severally wrong. I was so blind to his manipulation ingame at the first act because I was too focused on sleeping with him. And when act 2 came and he confessed how he truly felt, It was like a waking up slap to the face.

But i managed to move on yk? Bury it and keep playing the game. Part of me still hoped there will be some hot scenes in the future and this is just a stepping stone.

Again, I was very wrong. When the Cazador fight came and Astarion had to face all the people in the cages, when he tells you that you would've just as easily been one of them. It made me leave the game, stop playing for a week despite how big the hype was since I was at the end of it.

I just felt disgusted with myself, it made me feel very uncomfortable how I used to precive him, how he encouraged it. Especially since I resonated with his storyline, I myself have been in a relationship where someone only used me for sex, it hit deeper to home than I could've imagined.

Which is why I don't do nsfw requests of him, it feels too inappropriate. The wound is still fresh and I can't do it without sacrificing my self respect because of how I saw myself in Astarion.

His ascended treatment of us, it was everything my act 1 self wanted out of him in terms of powerful hot vampire craving you, but to the current me, it felt unimaginably gross.

His writers are amazing, you get to know him throughout the game. You are a witness to how clumsy he is with romance, how reluctant he is with sex when he gets the choice. You see the 180° flip and know this is someone else wearing his skin.

But I have zero problems with other people writing his nsfw. It's not a holier than thou deal where it's sfw or bust. Just because something isn't my preference it doesn't mean I can police people about it.

And I did read nsfw Astarion stuff a lot before, before I reached act 3.

Maybe my opinion will change one day and I'll go back to taking his nsfw requests, maybe it won't. It doesn't really matter, there are a lot of talented and good writers who make nsfw works for him and I'm happy for their existence.

-

As for why I don't write solo pieces for him in general? Well I only have so much free time and inspiration to write with, and Astarion has a chokehold on both the writers and artists of this fandom. He probably has more works under his name than Wyll, Halsin, Minthara and Karlach combined.

There is a lot of Astarion content, it feels like everything has been explored already. Every idea pushed to the limit then flipped, every concept fullfilled.

I only write for him when someones requests it, or when I feel like I have something new to say that no one did before. Like my only story about him posted "to dance with you."

I much rather explore the characters that no one paid much attention to like Wyll, Minthara etc. Npcs too.

Astarion is very loved by the fandom, he will be fine.

-

My third point is that he can get too loved by the fandom, borderline obsessively so by certain groups.

Part of the reason why I didn't write for Astarion at all at the start of the blog, and why I'm still hesitant to write about him is because I don't want to interact with his fanbase.

Take your ask for example, i won't assume malice anon, I hope you just sent this out of curiosity.

But literally no other characters fanbase would ask this. I'm one of Minthara's biggest simp and if i thought someone didn't like her, I'd be like "understandable, have a nice day."

For so long I have been slandering Gale and bashing on him, and yet never received a single ask about why I dislike it. Which I don't for thr record i just like bullying him.

But it only took a single Astarion slander post, that wasn't truly about him, for someone to ask this.

I thought it was a hehe haha joke at the start when everyone was talking about how much better he is than the others, how they can't even imagine romancing someone else. When they called the game Astarion dating simulator.

It wasn't a joke. Larian got the most spam and hate reports to fix Astarion's kissing but while Minthara's whole romance is still broken.

I saw a tweet that mentioned how some Astarion fans act like araj oblodra in moonrise tower, the drow that wants him to bite her, and they're really spot on.

He might as well be second coming of Edward Cullen. People are writing paragraphs upon paragraphs in response to every small joke about him and how he approves morally bad stuff? Spinning a false narrative that he wouldn't hurt a fly that he is a sweet little bean that needs to be protect but also he is super loyal and would only want their blood?

Which yeah i get the irony of since I am writing paragraphs upon paragraphs of me complaining about it, and to that i say, shut up :"(

I hate how watered down he is, I hate how artists draw him romanticly thin and hollow. I hate how forgotten his trauma is unless it's time to baby him. I hate the wrinkles removing mods, I hate the ereasing of his flaws and I hate how they run up to the voice actor to confirm their headcanons.

His voice actor is great, even amazing. But he is still a stranger and you shouldn't ask him nsfw questions, you should keep it respectful and still admire his other works, not just flood him about Astarion.

But maybe I'm wrong, i won't pretend I know what his voice actor feels. But I hope the Astarion fanbase aren't being weird to him.

And let's be honest, Cazador is just as bad as all the other evil characters in this game. Gortash, Ketheric and Orin probably commited more bad stuff than him, yet he is the single unpopular evil guy.

Can you guess why? Does him being tied to hurting the beloved golden goose of the fandom ring any bells?

Mizora hurts Wyll, Gortash sold Karlach, Viconia abused Shadowheart. Yet all of them are seen as evil but loved, while liking Cazador bc of how much of a fucked up character he is, gets you blocked.

That's why I include him in my works, there is no content for him, but also so it weirds out any hardcore Astarion fan and they leave my blog.

Man, I talked a lot. I hope that answered you anon, again no hate for you if you happen to be one of the hard-core Astarion fans. You do you and I do me, i genuinely wish the best for you <3 at the end of the day they're just fictional characters and can't be hurt, but you and me are real people with real feelings.

[motheatenscarf]

There is a fun template making the rounds and I decided I also want to play. I think most of these are self explanatory at a glance, but I'll elaborate a bit more for anyone curious/interested.

Okay, I lied, it was not a bit more, it wound up being a LOT more. Brevity is the soul of wit and I am a blathering fool.

-> Krile. She's a work friend. They get along well enough but don't ever really hang out beyond maybe getting lunch together sometimes. She's capable and reliable, but there's not a whole lot they have in common and they haven't even gotten to trauma bond yet. Dawntrail will probably change that.

-> Minfilia. Oh boy, is this a complicated relationship. They got along so well at first. Talia was terrified of this Echo and Blessing and had no one to talk to about it for years, and Minfilia was kind and patient with all of her questions. They confided in each other and supported one another in having this bizarre path in life that they didn't choose. But Minfilia the friend and Minfilia the leader were two different people. The more time Talia spent with the Scions, the more she started to question Minfilia's decisions. Every call she made seemed wrong. It wasn't Minfilia's fault she hadn't been prepared for this role that was thrust on her when Luisoix died, but Talia pinned the blame on her for everything that followed. Watching the Scions militarize under bad leadership reminded her of Garlemald. It seemed inevitable that they would be misused and she would have her faith and devotion broken again and again. She had one foot out the door by the Bloody Banquet, and then Minfilia chose to stay behind. Talia was still angry at Hydaelyn for taking away the only gift that made her useful and giving her the silent treatment without ever telling her why, but her was the big blue rock herself telling Minfilia to die without explanation as to why, and Minfilia was blindly obeying. It spit on the sacrifices her people had just made. Talia blew up at her before storming out of the sewers. She said some cruel, unforgivable things, just to be hurtful because she was hurt. She regretted them the moment she was in the carriage escaping to safety, but never got the chance to apologize. They weren't friends anymore when Minfilia died. It's something that haunts her to this day.

-> Tataru. A very sweet and uncomplicated friendship! They grew closer as Tataru shared her fears of not being able to do enough to protect the Scions, and then became friendlier and more open around each in Heavensward when it was just the two of them and Alphinaud. They look out for each other in more social matters, and Tataru is one of the few people Talia feels safe enough to be stupid around and is among her top choices when looking for someone to spend downtime with.

-> Thancred. The brother she never had. Few other people look out for her the way Thancred does. He's probably the person who is most interested in not just her physical safety, but her emotional well-being. He's vigilant to people taking advantage of her, which I'd like to believe is because he sees how hard she beats herself up over past mistakes and how she believes atonement must be paid in her own blood. It's a self destructive impulse he's familiar with, and one he's reluctant to open up about, but when he finally does, they're closer for it. They're also able to give each other just enough well meaning shit without pushing past each other's boundaries, which is the ideal sibling dynamic tbh. The only point of contention they've ever had was over how he treated Ryne, but both of them were just projecting their issues about Minfilia onto her, albeit in opposite directions.

-> Estinien. The brother she never wanted. Alphinaud came home with a dirty stray cat that was hissing and spitting and asked "Can we keep him?" and Talia said, "How about this other, better cat who isn't allergic to sentiment and doesn't belittle you?" And Alphinaud said, "Ysayle's nice, but this one's good, I can tell." And then Talia was stuck with Estinien forever. She started to come around on him before he got turned into Nidhogg's scooter, appreciating how reflective and intuitive he was deep down. She's very glad that Alphinaud reminded her of her own values that had been eroded by cynicism and told her they had to save Estinien. Because yeah, he was right all along. Estinien did turn out to be good. Even if people suck today, you never know what they can be tomorrow. He's one of the few people she feels good about having saved because it was an instance where she didn't just stop a threat by being the champion of murder. Estinien was proof that change is possible and that sometimes, believing in that is worth the risk. So he means a lot to her not just as a person who's reliable, who's been through hell and back with her, who's grown so much and become one of the most introspective and insightful people she knows, but as a sort of proof of concept of the ethos she wants to live by.

-> Lyse. God, she loves Lyse so much. Having her around felt like having a sister again. I almost put the green mark up there, but I don't think Lyse reciprocates the feeling. Her surrogate sister was Moenbryda, a loss over which she opened up to and leaned on Talia in a way no one had trusted her with until that point. People asked her to run dangerous errands, sure, but Lyse trusted her with real, genuine, vulnerability and it was the fist time Talia felt like the Scions were more than just coworkers. Throughout Stormblood, Talia finally had someone who was on her level. The Scions are mostly Archons, all far more intelligent, well educated, and capable than she is. Lyse was just a girl who missed her sister and could hit things good and wanted to make a difference, just like Talia. More than that, she was fun. Her idealism and sincerity were infectious. And then Lyse left. She had ideas and dreams and aspirations and wanted to make them real. It was a worthy, understandable desire, but Talia was gutted by her choice even if she supported it. She loves getting to visit her and catch up, but she wishes she'd stayed.

-> Y'shtola. Mean goth girls with emotional walls who love to roast people, yes, they do bond over this. Beyond that, though, there's no one whose opinion Talia respects more than Y'shtola's. Full stop. She is the most capable, most reliable, and most honest person she knows. It's comforting to know that Y'shtola will hold everyone to the same standards she holds herself, even if it's a little intimidating how high those standards are and how easily she seems to meet them. And Y'shtola looks out for her just as much as Thancred does, albeit less tactfully. She was the only person who respected her enough to tell her the honest truth about the Light poisoning. Given her history, Talia always prefer a harsh truth over a comforting lie. But sometimes that harshness makes it hard for her to let herself open up around Y'shtola. Her competence is a double edged sword that hides her vulnerability, which is the measuring stick of intimacy. Y'shtola's so capable, Talia frequently doubts that there's anything she can offer her besides a good swordarm. Her affection is something Talia's had to learn to interpret, and something Y'shtola self-admittedly struggles to convey, but they're both important to each other and they're working on it.

-> Urianger. He was the Scion she took the longest to warm up to, due largely to his own self imposed isolation after Moenbryda's death and his continued deceptions in Heavensward and Shadowbringers. She thought he was pragmatic and useful, but cold. That opinion changed when she saw patient and gentle he was not just with the twins, but with kids in general. There was a warmth there she hadn't thought he was capable of and it helped make his lies easier to bear. When he broke down and confessed to his deceptions and expressed his remorse, his shame, she just... didn't have it in her anymore to hold that grudge. She'd been through enough of that with Minfilia and Emet-Selch. By Endwalker, she was a raw nerve on her last legs, and Urianger was as gentle and patient with her as he was with the kids they bonded over. When he finally, after years, opened up to her even a little bit about Moenbryda and his difficulties making connections, she felt safe enough to let him in and to be there for him. It took a while to get there, but they are, genuinely, very close, and she's asked him to help her with one of her biggest insecurities; learning magic, specifically healing.

-> G'raha Tia. There are few easy dynamics among the Scions, huh? G'raha is one of the people she admires most, but also someone who has left her a goddamn husk of a person composed only of tears and anxiety. First off, he is single handedly responsible for the second worst mental breakdown she's ever had, second only to the time her actual twin sister died. She was ready to kill him on the spot upon arriving in The First if he did not produce Alisaie and Alphinaud right then and there. It drove her insane how secretive he was while acting like some old friend. Finally seeing the scale of devastation he was fighting against with everything in his power, she started coming around. There was still anger but once she figured out who he was, all she could really do was pity him. He'd been so quick to throw his life away, appointing himself as the guardian of Allag's mistakes, protecting the world from the horrors of the tower, only to become a symbol that everyone pinned their hopes on. That felt familiar. And then when she realized that it was all for her, and that he intended to die to save her, all she could think about was losing Haurchefant. She maybe wrapped up a lot of that unresolved trauma and her issues of self worth in saving him. My favorite screenshot I ever took in this game is still this accidental moment of poetic cinema where she's holding his soul in her hands against her heart, enveloped by the memory of Haurchefant in the House Fortemps ring she never takes off.

That's it! That's their relationship! Got it in one! He is so compassionate and thoughtful and by his own merit, she cares for him deeply, but there is a LOT of baggage she's wrapped up around him. He's just as much a symbol to her as she is to him, someone she was finally, finally able to save who held this impossible idea of her in his mind's eye (Haurchefant, Emet-Selch). She cares for him very deeply and yeah, isn't oblivious to his... pretty obvious romantic idolization of her, but. Good lord. There are a lot of very difficult conversations they need to have in unpacking their baggage and the issues they keep projecting onto each other before they can even begin to discuss G'raha's crush and what to do about it. Until then, she just... kinda lets it be the elephant in the room and tries not to think about it.

-> Ryne. Talia was determined to be as kind to and supportive of Ryne as she wished she had been to Minfilia. When she saw how hard Thancred was on her, she stepped in to provide unwavering love and support, became her guide on living with the Blessing of Light that Minfilia had once been to her. She also maybe saw some of her younger self in this girl that she desperately wanted to nurture, as she wished someone had done for her. Talia's not quite a mother-figure to her,more of an aunt who knows what an asshole Thancred can be when he puts his mind to it and thus knows how to cheer Ryne up to console her through it. On her own merit, Talia thinks Ryne is one of the bravest, kindest, and most thoughtful young women she's ever known. She's so proud of the person she's becoming and is amazed by her resilience.

-> Alisaie. The only reason Alisaie is second to Y'shtola on Talia's list of people she respects is because Alisaie is still a child, and it would look really bad if her top advisor was 16. When it comes to knowing what's right though, Alisaie is always on mark. She cares so much about everyone all the time that the only way she can express it is rage at the universe for not being fair to those same people and then fixing it through the raw force of power that is Teenage Girl With A Chip On Her Shoulder. Alisaie is the most incredible person Talia knows and there is no one she is more proud to have earned the love and respect of, or whose development into her true self she is more proud to bear witness to. Alisaie's strength is also exactly why Talia has insisted on mothering her despite the girl's obvious desire for independence; because she'll never ask for that help when she needs it most.

-> Alphinaud. If Estinien is the proof of concept of the ethos she wants to live by, Alphinaud is the one who penned that ethos and embodies it on a daily basis. There is no one she loves more than this boy, she might try to mother Alisaie, but Alphinaud just is her son. He is the primary reason she held to hope in the gauntlet of despair that is Endwalker. Alphinaud has grown as much as she has, if not more, and they've gone through that growth together. Talia was a jaded malcontent when they first met, and Alphinaud, when he wasn't parading around like the Widdlest Dictator, was smug, condescending, and insufferable. And then the universe slapped him in the face with a humble pie and he lost faith in everything, himself most of all. Seeing him like that, she realized... oh fuck. Right. He's a child. And she'd been projecting her contempt at her own past naivete about Garlemald onto him. And maybe that wasn't fair. Maybe that was the same awful thing she'd done to Minfilia. So instead of taking him to task, she just hugged him and told him it was going to be okay. He'd messed up. He'd messed up real bad and people had died because he didn't realize how ugly the world was, but wanting to believe that better things were possible wasn't the mistake there. She knew exactly what that felt like and exactly what he needed from her that she never got from anyone, not even herself; forgiveness. She became very protective of him after that, desperate to preserve whatever innocence and hope he had left. And at the darkest point of the Dragonsong war, it paid off. Alphinaud realized that he'd internalized the wrong message about his grandfather's death; it isn't about what we're willing to sacrifice for some greater good, it's about what we want to save. It was something so obvious that she'd forgotten after she fell so hard from losing her faith in anything bigger than her own bloodied hands. He made her want to try to have hope again. By choosing to save Estinien, that boy saved her too, and the fucking world, and all creation. All by being his sweet, thoughtful, brave little self. She is stupid proud of him and loves him so much. She's his mom now. And I think given how much he relies on the WoL, how much more receptive he is than Alisaie to their concern for him and how he seeks them out for advice and comfort, the feeling's mutual.

[princepestilence]

NYR: May in review

Post-May horoscope: "Grief is perhaps the last and final translation of love. This is the last act of loving someone. And you realise it will never end. You get to do this to translate this last act of love for the rest of your life."

I know it's a bit of a heavy thought, this horoscope, but it's actually been very comforting for me this month. You don't grieve what you didn't care about, and an unexpected part of this journey that I've found more difficult than I would ever have imagined are all the moments every day where life is basically normal. And there's more and more of those all the time. So the very existence of this grief in any of its shades is validating, for lack of a better word. Even when life is normal and good, she isn't forgotten, or less loved.

Anyway, all that to say, life is becoming a kind of normal again. Work has become a comfortable habit again, thesis creeps closer to the final draft, I have been incrementally reconnecting with the greater world once more. All good things, although not much to write about.

See family. Caught up with my dad and brother, which was fun and good. I've started plotting out a preliminary itinerary for our trip next year, which has been a nice spark of excitement here and there for me. .

Celebrate Mother’s Day. Considering the circumstances, it was really lovely. My little brother has taken ownership of mum's cookbooks and made us some of her favourites while I was visiting. .

Thesis work. Getting there! I'm dreaming of having the draft ready for people to read over by July, but we'll see how June goes. Might be closer to August.

In June, I will:

Decorate room. Didn't quite get around to this in May, so that's an extremely low-priority, low-stakes (but fun) project for this month. .

Thesis work. In the next week or so I'm planning to finish up with the section I'm working on and move onto the final introduction section. Ideally, if that can be done by the end of June, then it'll only be about a week into July before the whole thing is ready to send out to my supervisor. .

Go on a day trip. We had a lot of heavy rain this month on the days I would have gone up on the train, so that's been postponed until now. I'm excited for another little date with just me, the zoo and aquarium, and my big headphones that make everyone else be quiet. .

See family + friends. The year has been going so so so fast, and I keep saying I'll visit people and then months have passed. Trying to catch up again in June before it's suddenly September already. .

Koriko. My copy arrived in the mail a few days ago. I'm not putting pressure on myself to start right now, but also if the spirit moves me, that's fine as well. .

Prep for writers' festival. I've agreed to facilitate a panel of authors on the topic of modern fairytales in July, which will be a very fun chat and overall pretty breezy for a paid gig, but means I do need to get familiar with their signature works before then so I can ask interesting and relevant questions. The books are on my desk, I just need to find the time. .

Playing Dread for the first time! I've run multiple games of Dread by this point, but this is the first time I've had a chance to be a player. Trying to get everyone in the same place at the same time has been several months in the making, but we've finally been given a date to put in the calendar. Speaking of... .

See some live music. Later that same day, I'll be going with my family to see a band that my mum adored. I'm actually going because she'd already had a ticket, but obviously can't make use of that now, so I am. One of their songs was the exit music at her funeral, and I can't decide if I want them to play it, or if I really don't.

[poiseandprogress]

Poise & Progress: Update

It's been a few days since I last posted but I promise I've actually been being productive. But this makes me very aware of my lack of time management. So that's another thing that I need to work on.

But in the meantime, here are some updates on my progress as it relates to my level up journey.

Spirituality: So far, I've been pretty good with daily Bible Study. I've been trying to do it the moment I wake up. (which is supposed to be at 5am but I've been struggling there honestly. But 6:30 isn't so bad) I did, however, intentionally skip out on reading the Bible one morning. I just needed more sleep. But I won't be too harsh on myself there.

Skills: I currently have an 18 day streak on Duolingo learning Italian. I find it easier to squeeze that into my day during breaks at work or little moments when I'm waiting for something else. And I think I'm retaining a lot which is good. I want to elevate this by listening to Italian music or podcasts though. Maybe I'll create a nice little playlist.

Side Hustle: I've been working on creating my website and social media pages to start a social media agency, specializing in Social Media Marketing and Social Media Management. I also subscribed to a Social Media Management Course on Coursera to increase my knowledge (and credibility) in the field.

Exercise: Not doing so well here honestly. I need to be more disciplined in getting out of bed early enough to do a mini workout but I have not been doing that. I tried a 20 minute pilates at home video one morning and only did 7 minutes of it before I got back into bed and caught a few more minutes of sleep. (Rome wasn't built in a day) I promise I'm going to try harder. I also think I need to determine which is more doable for me, working out in the mornings before work or in the evenings after work.

Nutrition: I have yet to go to the grocery store and purchase what I need to start meal prepping and eating healthier. I'll get there.

Finances: I've been adding quite a bit to my savings accounts which I'm proud of. And I've also been making more frequent payments to my credit card bill (I managed to let my depression get the best of me a while back and that credit card was my therapy - which also means I'm in the process of rebuilding my credit score, even though I no longer live in America) This is also forcing me to be more responsible with my spending considering as soon as I get paid, most of the money goes towards my savings and I'm forced to spend way less. Once I build up a proper emergency fund and reach my savings goals, I can start investing.

Appearance: I really want to get new clothes and build the wardrobe of my dreams but I'm trying to make do with what I have for the moment so that I can focus on my financial goals first.

All in all, I'm proud of the little efforts I've made thus far. I know that if I can keep it going and push a little harder, I'll be my dream self in no time.