#i have a long history of obsessing over side characters and them haunting me especially other books where they don't get resolved endings

[typingwithmyhandstied]

If someone had told me months ago when I started Foul Lady Fortune that I would still be obsessing over it now and thinking too much about characters that aren't even the main characters in the strictest sense (the most at least)... I would not have been surprised. I have a history.

[aerialflight]

Fic Rec (it's been too long and I read a whole lot of fics)

I've read so many fics these past couple of months and my need to share them to the world has seized me by the throat. Please enjoy and support these fanfic writers! They are the best. XD

-

[Naruto]

Nine-Tailed Foxes are Dead by RowlettLesbian

Ship: Shikamaru/Naruto

For Konoha, it's been one month since the preliminary Chunin exams. For Naruto, it's been six. And he wasn't in Konoha.

At the end of his ordeal, Naruto walks into the Chunin Exam finals without his left arm.

Shikamaru is very concerned. And, eventually, very precious to Naruto as they work together to solve the mysteries of Konoha and bring kindness to the Shinobi world, one adventure at a time.

(I would die for this fic. I know the summary sounds doom and gloom but IT'S NOT. This fic made me fucking cry, I don't think I've ever read a fic that characterized Naruto so right. He's so full of hope and love and develops into the best version of himself and I'm so HERE FOR IT. And it's not just Naruto, Shikamaru is absolutely amazing here along with Kakashi and surprise surprise Ino, I can't BELIEVE it took me this long to stumble across this fic. Also THE WORLDBUILDING IS TO DIE FOR!!! And the plot! Is! So! Interesting! Just, everything about this fic is just amazing so please PLEASE read this!!!)

The End of the Uchiha by RowlettLesbian

Ship: Naruto/Sasuke

“I promise, little electric spirit of this shrine,” he whispered into the soft dirt and fallen leaves, “I will never gain the eyes. I will never pass them on. And I will make sure the eyes end in my brother, so that they can’t hurt anybody anymore. I will be the last Uchiha, and see to the end of the Copy-Wheel Clan. Then all of the hatred here can stop, and my family can rest peacefully. I promise, little shrine.”

Sasuke is more than his brother thinks he is. He's more than any Uchiha has ever been. He will kill his brother, but it will not be vengeance.

It will be mercy.

(Same author as the one above, they are the gift that keeps on giving. Seriously, HOW did I NEVER FIND THESE FICS before now??? One of life's greatest mysteries. The author's sense of humor is so on point here along with the atmospheric writing that's so vivid in the mind. Their writing style is so recognizable to me now and makes me fall into the world they're creating, it's stunning. Sasuke here makes me want to hug him and the idea of him living like a feral ghibli character has me LIVING. Check the tags of the fic, all of it is true, hand to god. Please give all of the author's fics a shot, it's a rabbit hole I'm thankful I fell into!)

mil fantasmas (gritan en calma) by LegaciesandMemories

Post-Tsukuyomi, something in Uchiha Sasuke's mind shatters. The same night, Yamanaka Ino falls asleep and doesn't wake up for 15 days.

---

In which Ino and Sasuke both wake from the aftermath of the Uchiha Massacre with the ability to see ghosts, and no one is prepared for the fallout.

(This fic has arrested my curiosity and eagerness to know what will happen next. These poor kids need so many hugs and Ino is getting the spotlight she deserves. I am so excited for this fic and what it has in store! Please read! XD)

Lichtenberg Figures by Asteroid_Duck (JustThatOneGirl1815)

Name: Kakashi Hatake Rank: Jounin Status: Missing Nin Missing Since: June 15th, 271 AD Note: Flee on Sight . . . Haburashi looked his team in the eyes— three, fresh out of the Academy genin— and resolved to teach them as best as he could. And right now, his lesson was simple: “Stay. Away. From. Kakashi. Hatake.”

(Dimension travel fic with a slice of Kakashi being an absolute troll and dealing with the shitty hand he's been dealt with. Seriously, the man has the worst luck in all of Konoha. Also, the mystery of the other Kakashi's history has me leaning by the edge of my seat, I need to know.)

The Governess by Ysmirel

Ship: Kakashi/OFC

"“What,” he finally asked, “is so funny?”

Ibara bit her lower lip to keep the chuckles in, still smiling and making absolutely no effort to get more space between them, seemingly perfectly at ease within reach of a trained shinobi. Her self-control wasn't all that good, as she ended up snorting and was overcame once again by another fit of laughter. “I just- It's just-” She struggled to speak, trying to catch her breath and wiping away tears of mirth with the hand that wasn't still holding onto his vest. Finally, she looked him in the eye and said, with a smile that was all teeth and without a hint of her previous drunken stupor, “and who's going to believe you?”

As he stood there, stunned by her words and change in demeanor, he realized with dawning horror that she was right."

In which Kakashi finds himself at the other end of the troll shtick, and he doesn't appreciate it all that much.

(It's so hard to find self-insert fics with a fresh concept these days, especially in the naruto fandom. Not that I don't enjoy and devour a lot of self insert fics like it's going out of style, but it's just so nice to find something new and shiny and really damn good. I'm so pumped for this fic and how it's going to develop so please join me in rooting for this fic!)

half a league (until the valley of death) by SpectersShadow117

Kakashi can think of no reason for Sasuke's inexplicable and drastic change in behavior. He doesn't like the desperate, haunted gleam in his student's eyes, and he also doesn't like the nagging feeling that he's missing something very important. Aka: Future Sasuke goes to Past Sasuke and gives him a reality check with Specific Intentions, but as with most Uchiha, his methods leave much to be desired. (Featuring: Childhood trauma FTW, Konoha's shitty care of orphans, and absolutely no one having a fun time.)

(Sasuke wanting to change the future out of complete and utter spite has me LIVING. Sasuke is such a Mess here and the twist on the time travel premise is so good and the kid is so Traumatized and Desperate and Not Having A Good Time. Naruto and Sakura developing as better ninjas and Kakashi trying his best makes me want to scream. Also, how Sasuke thinks about Itachi makes me want to cackle. I am 100% down for this. I am rooting for this kid, go get them! XD)

-

[Harry Potter]

fruit loops in time (circle around me) by justprompts

Ships: Harry/Draco, Remus/Sirius

"This is Crabbe, and Goyle," the blonde boy says, pointing at the two boys next to him. "And I'm Malfoy, Draco Ma - "

Ron laughs, and Malfoy immediately bristles.

"Think my name's funny, do you?" Malfoy says, angrily. "No need to ask yours - "

"You're honestly so cute," Ron interrupts, yet again, shaking his head. "So tiny. And so angry, all the time. It's adorable."

Alternatively Ron Weasley, Time Traveller Extraordinaire, is stuck in the same seven year Hogwarts Loop, repeating the same thing over and over again. Naturally, he's so done with everything.

(This is the greatest hp fic I've ever read. I LOVE RON WEASLEY and by the time you read this fic SO WILL YOU!! This is the fic I WISH I have the ability to write. I read this entire fic aloud to my brother and we spent literal hours howling and talking about how utterly insane and incredible this fic is, it's amazing. This is hands down my favorite Ron Weasley. You Can Pry This Fic From My Cold Dead Fingers.)

-

[Boku no Hero Academia]

Kacchan's Cult by Ourliazo

Pro Hero Ground Zero is attacked, originally meant to be de-aged out of existence by a desperate villain but is instead launched into his 14-year-old self.

But Katsuki is a fucking pro so whatever, time to fuck up someone's day. And sure, maybe he's only one man, but that's why he conscripts the entirety of the UA student body into tearing down some criminal empires.

(It's time travel, crack, and Bakugou being his usual explody, competent self. What more in life do you want? Seriously though, please read. I'm obsessed with this fic and having a Good Time!)

Cleaning Crew; Teaching Kids to Value their Safety, for Fun and Profit by Reavv

Takenaka Hideo is a thirty-two year old, in mild desperation for money, who has just been hired as a new janitor for UA's support staff. He has a quirk that lets him find lost objects, a liaison with the police because of it, and desperate desire for competent co-workers.

Oh, and he's already lived a previous life, in a world where quirks and heroes didn't even exist.

Not a big deal, though. It's not like you ever see the janitor playing a big part in action movies. He's here to get paid, and that's it.

On the opposite side of the equation, class 1-A has to wonder at the new UA cryptid that always seems to show up when things are on fire, and who keeps trying to convince them to let the adults handle the fire extinguisher.

(A great deal of fun packed into one fic. That is how I title this fic and nothing will change my mind! Hideo just wants to quietly do his job and not get in the way. I Relate. Please read!)

Poltergeist by WriterGreenReads

Class 1-A is haunted.

Well, not really.

I AM dead, though.

World's friendliest poltergeist, at your service.

(I don't know how I got so sucked into OC fics, but I found some fantastic fics along the way so I have no regrets. The author really tries to push the premise and I just love all the interactions and dynamics that form as the fic gets further in. And the OC character and all the hijinks they get up to cracks me up! At the same time, it's pretty heartwarming and it's practically a friendships galore fic! Definitely recommend it!)

invincible by supercrunch for Engrin

Ship: Bakugou/Midoriya

This is the way the world works: the sun rises in the east. The strong come out on top. Bakugou Katsuki rockets through life like a comet and Midoriya Izuku stumbles after. If he believed in such things Katsuki would say it was written in the stars. That some god of war had looked at him and said this one. That he’d been passed along a line to get his blessings – genius, willpower, fearless ambition – and dropped off on earth.

Then, of course, there is the question of Deku. The spitfire runt. Deku, no matter what the world does to him, never stops hoping.

Until, of course, he eventually does.

(Katsuki broke him. Snapped him in half like a twig and now has to scramble to put Deku back together. “We can do this, Deku," he says slowly. "There are so many mysteries that never got put to bed. Criminals roaming around looking to hurt people and you and me, we can fix that.”

There’s a long pause. The comforter slips a little off Deku’s skinny shoulders and drowns him. “You mean like a team?”

In that split second, Katsuki makes a decision he’s never even considered. He swallows his pride. “Yeah, Deku. We’d be a team.”)

(If there was any other way canon could've gone, this is the story I would've wanted. It's perfect.)

Inadvertent Wilderness Therapy by Cacid

Following an unfortunate encounter with a teleporter on the last day of internships, Bakugou Katsuki and Hakamata Tsunagu spend some quality time in northern Canada.

In no particular order they will: build ugly survival shelters, stalk rabbits, run from polar bears, reflect on the chemical composition of trees, insult each other, and complain about krumholtz.

(THESE TWO. TOGETHER. IN THE WILDERNESS. IN FUCKING CANADA OF ALL PLACES. I still can't believe this fic actually exists and just how INVESTED I became in their relationship. Blue Jeanist instantly became my favorite ranked hero with this fic alone. HIS SENSE OF HUMOR IS TERRIBLE, I LOVE HIM SO MUCH FNIEWOPAF. BAKUGOU DOES TOO. IT'S FUCKING INCREDIBLE. *incoherent screeching into the wild*)

-

[Stranger Things]

Baci D'aria by RabbitDarling

“Love is worth the sum of itself, and nothing more.” ― Alice Hoffman, Practical Magic

Steve learned a lot at his Aunt's side before she passed but his favourite thing she taught him was baci d'aria; special little spells that you created from the heart and put into the food you shared.

In opening his heart and gifts to those around him Steve slowly finds himself a family in a way he never thought he'd get to experience. One by One he collects pre-teens to trail in his wake like ducklings and Steve can't even refute it by the time he realizes what has happened.

(This fic is so soft and Steve is just collecting people and winning them over with his magical food (literally). I am always a sucker for heartwarming, good for the soul fics so if you want to make yourself hungry and feel all warm and gooey inside, read this!)

(Don't Fear) The Reaper by TeaFourTwo

Ship: Steve/Billy

He looks down at the blood on his hands and on the floor and wonders why the memory hasn’t broken yet, why he isn’t back in Starcourt mall with control of his body again, wonders if he's even still alive at all. Is this hell then? Or perhaps purgatory? It certainly isn’t heaven, that’s for sure. None of this makes any sense…but then what's new—nothing in Billy’s life makes sense anymore.

Billy laughs then, loud and long and unhinged. It's the only sound in the whole house, and it bounces off the walls like a fucked up echo, like the world is laughing with him.

“Jesus christ you’re insane…” It’s Max’s voice and it’s shaking. It only makes Billy laugh harder, because Max has it all wrong. Billy isn’t crazy, it’s the rest of the world that’s insane.

--

Billy dies a hero of sorts. He wakes up back in his bed on Saturday morning, the third of November, 1984...nearly nine months earlier.

(Billy is stuck in a time loop and it's slowly driving him crazy. And the fic shows just how much influence Billy did have in the plot and how doomed the world is without him in it. Great character exploration with Billy's character and all the ways he's so messy and human. Definitely recommend it!)

-

[Knives Out]

The Road Less Traveled By by UisceOneLove

Ship: Marta/Ransom

If Harlan wants to leave Ransom to be on his own, fine. He'll show him just what Ransom Drysdale is capable of.

or, where Ransom chooses to prove his abilities through means of the non-homicidal variety and finds himself becoming exactly what Harlan was hoping he would.

(I found this fic out of sheer chance and god, Ransom is just, so fascinating to me as a character. Marta of course is the Best here and I will forever stan her. Seriously, this is such a good fic! Please read!)

-

[Haikyuu!!]

Sky Full of Stars by grilledsquids

The Hinatas are twins. They're practically identical.

But while Shouyou seeks out Karasuno's volleyball team to become the next Little Giant, Natsu is scouted to to play soccer for Shiratorizawa. While Shouyou sets his eyes on playing volleyball at the highest level possible, his sister wonders how much longer she can play soccer... and if it's worth it to keep going.

A Natsu-centric story featuring: Shiratorizawa VBC shenanigans, too many soccer OCs, mild teenage drama, a little bit of plot, and Semi Eita not knowing what a period is.

(It's just!! So cute and wholesome!!! The Shiratorizawa volleyball team is so fleshed out along with the OC characters for the girl's soccer team and I swear, it's been a long while since I've laughed this much at the sheer shenanigans that happen in a fic. It's surprisingly hard to find good gen fics in this fandom so finding this gem made me so happy! If you want a fic that brings a smile to your face, read this!!)

like water by speakingincode

Ship: Oikawa/Kageyama

“Oikawa,” Iwaizumi says, and when Tooru looks at him, he can read My best friend’s an idiot off the crease of his eyebrows. “Are you telling me you spent the last three years weirdly obsessed with Kageyama – I still remember the time you made us play him on a dumb whim, you know – and now you’re at his beck and call? Are you okay? What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I’m— I’m not at his beck and call! I said no last week. It’s… It’s like you said. I get bored easily. I saw him at the park a couple weeks after they played Nationals and called him a perfect little tyrant, and he pestered me into spending time with him after,” Tooru says. “I’m not a monster, Iwa-chan. If he wants the company of his cool, handsome ex-upperclassman that badly, who am I to begrudge him?”

Or: Oikawa doesn't know why Kageyama keeps asking to meet him on Saturdays. He also doesn't know why he keeps saying yes.

(The fact this fic is canon-compliant and covers post-canon too makes me want to shout to the heavens. Fucking incredible! One of the best Oikakage fics ever and it's a crime how it's not at the top of the ship tag. Please please read!!)

twist into your shape by kakkoweeb

Ship: Oikawa/Kageyama

The only thing better than sweets were sweets containing paper that told you whether your future would be good or bad--or in Kageyama and Oikawa's case, paper that somehow caused you to live inside each other's bodies.

(Everyone probably already read this fic but it needs to be said, you need to read this fic. How these two try and manage each other's lives and slowly start to care about one another is so beautiful and sincere and I am ready to wrestle anyone to the floor and comply them into reading this fic. Doesn't matter if you like the ship, you will become a fan if you read it, I promise. Please please read!!)

Take the Long Road Home by pepperfield

Ship: Kuroo/Sawamura

When Azumane Asahi goes missing before his engagement meeting with Kozume Kenma, what other option is there but for Daichi to impersonate his brother and fake his way through a first date with Asahi's fiance?

Okay, let's be realistic - there were probably at least four other options.

Unfortunately, Tetsurou couldn't come up with any of them either, so now he's here flirting with Kenma's future husband while trying to keep his web of deceit from collapsing.

It's going to be an eventful day.

(I got obsessed with this ship alongside Oikakage and SO WILL YOU. THE POTENTIAL. THE BANTER. THE FACT THEY'RE BOTH DORKS AND THE FIC HAS IDENTITY SHENANIGANS DANCING ALL OVER IT!! I had so much fun reading this and these two are MEANT TO BE FENIWPAF. If you don't see the potential of this ship, you will now.)

a misunderstanding a day keeps the boyfriend away by bartallen for betuls

Ship: Kuroo/Sawamura

Kuroo doesn’t fall in love hard and fast like many others do – he falls slowly, and very very softly. Most of the times he doesn’t even realise he’s in love with someone until it’s too late.

(Kuroo is the dumbest man alive and I've never related to someone so hard in my life. God help me.)

You like me. by roseknight

Ship: Daishou/Kuroo

Kuroo nearly lived a Daishou-free life, and sometimes he looked back and wondered how much better and how much worse that would've been.

(I didn't even know who Daishou was until I read this fic and now I can't unsee the potential this ship has. I'm a ruined woman and I regret NOTHING.)

Kings of the Road, Kings of the Universe by EzzyDean

Eight magical captains, one bus, an entire summer (and country) waiting for them.

What could possibly go wrong?

(The magic of friendship meets the magic of a summer road trip meets pure magic.)

(CAPTAIN SQUAD IS THE BEST SQUAD SOMEBODY PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SEND ME SOME CAPTAIN SQUAD FICS I AM SO IN LOVE WITH THIS SQUAD IT'S A PROBLEM AAAAHHHHHH!)

宿縁 : See You Soon by MissKiraBlue

Ship: Oikawa/Kageyama

Upon arriving at the train station of death, an impure soul is granted a second chance at life against his will. Reincarnating into the body of Kageyama Tobio, a 15-year-old boy who recently committed suicide. Tobio's soul will depart at death and the soul needs to slip in to replace it. If the soul's reformation succeeds, he’ll reenter the cycle of rebirth and regain the right to be reborn. He will have three months to accomplish this task.

“Even though you had enough of life,” the soul whispered into the void of the room, “you were still afraid to hurt your hands, Tobio.”

Afraid of giving himself a scar, if he survived.

He touched his pulse and grasped life and couldn’t help but pity Kageyama Tobio.

"You wanted to die and now I’m here making you live again," he whispered into the night.

(I'm not even exaggerating when I say out of all the fics in this entire goddamn, too long list, this is the fic I'm anticipating and heart eyeing the most. It's only starting, but I already cried on chapter fucking 2, the power of this fic, holy shit. The author also wrote the hq time loop Every Tomorrows series, which I have an undying love for and am full on praying for the day it updates, so you KNOW this fic will be just as good. (Anybody who hasn't read this series, where the hell have you been?? Read it!!) Just, everything about this fic hurts me and something in my chest just aches when I read this fic. Go into it blind with an open heart and I swear to you, it's going to change your life. I'm already calling it. Seriously though, please please read!)

-

[Crossover]

Learning to Fly by Asteroid_Duck (JustThatOneGirl1815)

Fandoms: Boku no Hero Academia, Naruto

The number three hero is a walking (well, flying) contradiction in every sense of the word. This includes his teaching skills. Why had Tokoyami agreed to this internship again? Oh right. He’d thought he was actually going to learn something. …….remind him to never be so optimistic again. . . . OR, Kakashi Hatake is reincarnated as the pro hero, Hawks. Tokoyami Fumikage suffers as a result.

(The reincarnation fic I never thought I needed and it's so good!! I've never really paid attention to Tokoyami and this fic sent me headfirst into loving him. Their dynamic is so interesting and I just love how their relationship develops. Also, Kakashi trolling the poor kid made me cackle, it's great! Definitely recommend it!)

Si Vis Pacem by athenoot

Fandoms: Boku no Hero Academia, John Wick

Everything has a price. That's what John has always known and will forever remember, even in death.

Which is pretty ironic considering his current circumstance.

Instead of a grown, scarred, weary body belonging to a man as cruel and broken as him, he's inhabiting a younger, smaller, unblemished one belonging to a child with strangely colored hair, and is living in what seems to be a superhuman society.

Well. May it never be said that John isn't a strategist. He can live with this. Maybe.

(Somewhere out there in the universe, he's certain he could hear the laughter of his enemies from beyond the grave.)

-

Or: John Wick is reincarnated as Midoriya Izuku. The world should probably watch its back.

(This should be one of the crackiest fics I've read in a while, but it's taken so seriously and I'm so HERE FOR THIS. John Wick being John Wick in a world of quirks and heroes is the GREATEST, honestly, he's so badass. Bakugou, I feel for you, you must be so fucking confused lol. Bakugou trying his best to be a good friend is one of the best things about this fic. Trust me, this fic will make your day, promise!)

A Girl's Mind is a Dangerous Place by clenastia

Fandoms: Naruto, Fairy Tail

Natsu wakes up in Sakura's body. It only gets worse from there. Also known as: In Which Natsu has No Idea what to do with Boobs.

(I binged this in two fucking days, I couldn't put it down. This fic reminded me why I liked fairy tail when I was younger and why Natsu is honestly such a great protagonist, god. And the fic does that thing, you know, the Thing where when two worlds collide, the characters struggle to acclimate and adapt to a completely another world with different rules and mindsets against their own. This fic is seriously one of the best when it comes to that aspect, it's incredible. I am going absolutely feral over here for this fic to update, I'm waiting in the wings, ready to pounce like a tiger, all the metaphors man. For the love of god, read this fic.)

Give me a landscape made of obstacles by Melise

Fandoms: Naruto, Natsume's Book of Friends

Kakashi Hatake isn’t who he says he is.

Because the truth is that he’s actually a youkai in disguise, a wolf spirit named Madara who stumbled across the Hatake clan during the Warring States Period. Intrigued by the shinobi he saw, he’d proposed a temporary alliance in which he would offer the clan protection in exchange for their teachings.

Decades later, Madara is surprised to find himself inadvertently summoned to Konoha by the last living member of the Hatake clan. Sakumo Hatake, who is mourning the recent deaths of his wife and stillborn child, doesn’t want to be alone anymore. So with his permission, Madara takes the place of Sakumo’s deceased son in order to watch over the last Hatake.

(Fusion in which the youkai of Natsume’s Book of Friends all exist in the Naruto world. No knowledge of Natsume’s Book of Friends required).

(Before this fic, I only had a very vague idea of what Natsume's Book of Friends was, and honestly, I still don't know much about it. But I didn't really need to know to get into this fic. I love the worldbuilding and the relationships Kakashi forms, both supernatural and mortal. I love how Kakashi's inhumane ways affect others around him, whether to stress them out or become used to the strange. You can go straight into this fic without knowing anything and absolutely still have a fantastic time. I definitely recommend this so please read!)

[greensaplinggrace]

In a recent malarklina post you mentioned having many headcanons 👀 Care to share with the class?

So I went over some character hcs for the three of them in this post! But here are a few that are specifically Malarklina. (Some of these are set in an Immortal!Mal AU and some aren't, sorry if it gets a bit confusing).

Aleksander has a competency kink and is attracted to Alina showing off her sun powers and Mal showing off his tracking abilities.

Alina makes them both little suns that follow them around to always light their path. This is especially meaningful to Aleksander, although he'd never admit it, because he used to be afraid of the dark as a child.

Mal reminds Aleksander of Luda, and he often goes into depressive states when considering the fact of Mal's mortality. Once Alina fully grasps the reality of the situation, she often suffers from them as well. During these times, Mal tries to be there for them as much as he can, but it's a heavy burden to bear alone.

They all have difficult relationships with gender and sexuality and at one point actually end up sitting down (completely by accident, because Aleksander is allergic to emotions) to talk about this aspect of their lives in more depth.

Aleksander usually sleeps in the middle because he's a) touch-starved and b) an attention whore, but they switch it up on occasion.

Mal is the most clingy sleeper in the history of sleepers. Aleksander and Alina have both woken up on more than one occasion to Mal literally laying fully on top of them and wrapped around them like an octopus. Aleksander likes the weight and usually just snuggles in deeper but Alina has to wiggle out of the way most of the time so she can breathe.

Mal likes Aleksander with short hair but Alina likes him with long hair. This is the source of many fights in their relationship, none of which Aleksander is actually apart of.

Alina and Aleksander both like Mal with longer hair and so he's press ganged into growing it out.

Mal and Alina love every single song Aleksander hates.

When Mal pisses Aleksander off it's no sex for a day even after a dozen apologies, but when Alina pisses him off all she has to do is say sorry and he'll just eat her out right then, not a care in the world.

Aleksander is very physically affectionate, but Mal and Alina have phases of liking it and disliking it, so they have to balance a way to take care of each other's needs without pushing boundaries.

Aleksander is directionally challenged because I said so and Mal and Alina constantly have to make sure he doesn't get lost.

Kissing scars has become a very intimate practice between them all.

Aleksander keeps an obsessively clean house but Alina's paint supplies get everywhere, that paired with Mal just shucking off his hunting outfits anywhere in the house and dumping his gardening/hunting supplies wherever's most convenient means that Aleksander is in a constant state of annoyance about their living situation.

Alina makes a Rule about Mal and Aleksander fighting after Mal straight up tackles Aleksander off the side of the roof when they're trying to figure out how to replace shillings.

They all spar with each other at least once every other day. This mostly started as a means of keeping themselves sharp in case of danger, but it quickly became a bonding routine of sorts. Turns out Aleksander has a lot of information stored up about fighting. That paired with Mal's military training makes for some very intense spars as well as the rapid growth of all three of them into some of the most dangerous fighters on the planet.

@mal-zoya now has me convinced that it will take at least 500 years for Mal and Aleksander to admit they love each other.

Aleksander likes it when they wear his clothes. Alina likes wearing Mal and Aleksander's clothes. There is a lot of clothing sharing going on. It gets to the point where the only way they can tell who's clothing is who's is based on color scheme and the quality of the cloth and occasionally (but not always) the size as well.

Mal and Alina infodump all the time about their passions and Aleksander eats it up. He loves it. He thinks his partners are the smartest people in the universe.

When Alina is suffering from artist's block she goes to Aleksander for inspiration. When she's inspired she goes to Mal to create.

Mal is generally the one who cooks all of their meals because Alina will get distracted when she's going on an art spree and Aleksander will just straight up forget he's a human sometimes. But when Mal doesn't do it Aleksander does it because he has Standards and he's not about to let his partners starve to death, thank you very much.

Aleksander and Mal used to cook plainer foods in the beginning of the relationship but they both slowly shake off some of the chains of their upbringings and previous ways of life to slowly try out more elaborate and lush recipes. Alina has come home on more than one occasion to see them collaborating on a new recipe Aleksander managed to flirt/finagle out of one of the old ladies from the nearby village.

Alina likes to ride out every day and sometimes ropes Aleksander or Mal into going with her. There are lots of picnics and packed lunches in their life. When they go to an especially scenic spot, she'll sit there for hours and draw.

Mal won't ever be able to fully understand the meaning of Alina's immortality. It would be impossible to, even with many explanations and having to deal with Aleksander's own traumas as a result. But that doesn't stop him from attempting to learn as much as he can to make things easier for both of his partners.

Alina attempts to join the local ladies' knitting group in the nearby village but hates it. Aleksander, on the other hand, finds it to be the most valuable source of gossip in the village. He rapidly becomes a part of the club and returns home with boatloads of gossip by the day. Alina and Mal have no idea what to do with literally any of this information, but Aleksander certainly does. Getting involved in small town drama is, in his opinion, one of the best things he ever decided to do. Mal and Alina are beginning to think he needs some therapy.

Mal starts a little farm outside of their cottage and Alina starts a flower garden. Alina also begins to amass a small library over time, with the help of Aleksander "is this an original text?! maybe so" Morozova. Mal is not expecting to come home one day to an entirely new room built into the house and a massive collection of books lining the walls.

Alina and Aleksander will use their powers actively all day. In fact, they both get so comfortable with summoning that they just start letting their emotions affect their summoning all the time. And so Mal has a very good indicator for whether or not his partners are upset or happy based on the way the shadows and lights flicker, much akin to the way people judge how their cats are feeling based on what their tails are doing.

Also, though, Mal just feels proud that they both trust him enough and feel comfortable enough around him and in their home to feel as if they don't need to watch themselves constantly.

Alina still likes mapmaking and, after a few years of peace where she starts to get restless, she slowly begins to do it again. Every two months or so she'll go out on a long trip to map a few of the nearby areas. She quickly builds up a side business of selling her personal maps to the people of whatever town they're living near.

Aleksander eventually opens up enough to share some of his past with Alina and Mal. He especially begins to engage more with the pieces of his culture that he had to forsake in order to assimilate over the years. Alina and Mal are always more than willing to help him puzzle through a half remembered recipe or a phrase in his native tongue that he's partially forgotten. They feel honored every time he shares a small piece of his history with them.

Nightmares are a common occurrence between all of them and whenever one happens a cuddle pile of epic proportions ensues. Also sometimes they talk about feelings have some pillow talk to work through things. Aleksander will also sometimes sing them back to sleep. His lullabies are haunting, but his singing voice is beautiful, and it usually does the trick. He refuses to sing for them outside of these moments, however.

Alina adores the height difference between her and her very tall partners. She thinks its fucking stellar.

Alina and Mal start up an orphanage on many occasions throughout the centuries. Alina loves kids and constantly helps them when she can. She mourns the fact that she won't ever be able to adopt without having to watch them grow old without her.

They've all discussed having kids at multiple points throughout their lives, and they all want to do so. But Aleksander wants to wait until Grisha persecution is no longer even the hint of an issue. Alina and Mal agree to wait, largely because they want some time to think on it too.

Mal tries to teach Alina how to shoot one day and she accidentally clips Aleksander as he's coming outside with lunch. He never lets her live it down and on more than one occasion attempts to use it for sympathy points, even hundreds of years later.

Aleksander is both the big spoon and the little spoon, but he likes being the big spoon (in reality he's a knife, of course). Mal likes being the little spoon but is often relegated to the big spoon, and Alina likes being both.

Alina paints a portrait of Mal and Aleksander cuddled up in bed once and no matter how much they entreat her to burn it she absolutely refuses to do so.

Aleksander is basically a walking, talking source of illegal activity, and he can't be taken anywhere anymore without expecting some sort of crime to take place.

Alina tries to adopt a little black cat one day and Aleksander gets outrageously jealous. He spends about two months being bitter, then another two months trying to chase it off, but the creature stays with them all until it dies of old age (and he'll never admit to privately grieving it's loss, although Mal and Alina both know it).

All of their communication skills are absolutely atrocious but Alina is the best. Mal is the second best. Aleksander doesn't even rank. Over time, they get into the habit of it, though. They practice at it painfully for years until they reach the point where healthy communication becomes second nature.

Mal proposes to Alina one day (after much talk between all three of them) and they get married. A couple years later they both propose to Aleksander (after zero talk, he is suitably surprised and also maybe a bit teary eyed). They have an illegal wedding on holy ground at midnight with a bribed and essentially kidnapped pastor.

Aleksander spends an excessive amount of money on Alina and Mal. He buys them things constantly and lavishes them with gifts. Alina loves it but it grates on Mal for a time until he realizes it isn't a means of manipulation as much as a love language and a shoddy attempt at communication and expressing feelings.

Once they reach the modern world (in an Immortal!Mal AU), they all get phones and send each other the most cursed texts in all of history. The group chat is a hellspace and the individual chats are just pure shittalking. Nowhere is free.

Shopping in the modern world consists of chaotic impulse buys and the excessive waste of money. They're all each other's impulse control, but they can't always go out together at the same time, so it's usually only in groups of two. Which means that when Alina's gone, Aleksander fills the cart with sweets. And when Mal is gone, Alina fills the cart with an inordinate amount of bananas (which are new) and microwavable easy to eat meals and paint supplies and oh! look at these pretty notebooks on display!. And when Aleksander is gone the cart its legitimately just a free for all. He comes home and there's mincemeat and apple pies cooking for some reason. Mal has a new apron. The fire alarm has been replaced. Turns out they stopped at an ikea on the way back and now they have a better dining table.

Alina is the best driver of them all. Aleksander goes way too fast but he never crashes. Mal refuses to even step foot in a car for about half a decade.

Aleksander is actually the one that gets into makeup. He quite enjoys it and thinks maybe his partners need to live a little for once. They both very firmly disagree.

Alina loses the tv remote constantly and it drives Mal absolutely wild. Sometimes Aleksander will steal it just to watch Mal go into a frenzy looking for it.

Alina builds up a large following for her art (and the art of her 'ancestors') over the centuries. Modern day Alina is basically famous, but luckily nobody knows her face.

[geckosong]

Anime Recommendations

Here is a list of ten anime (in no particular order) that are definitely worth watching, yet don’t seem to get nearly as much recognition as they deserve. 

Terror in Resonance (2014)

This is my personal favorite anime and I push people to watch it whenever I can, which is exactly what I’m doing here.

This show is set-in present-day Tokyo, which has been decimated by a terrorist attack, and the only hint to the identities of the culprits is a bizarre video uploaded on the internet. For the majority of the show the plot follows two different narratives: those of the investigators tasked with bringing down the terrorists, and of the terrorists themselves.

           My Rating: 10/10

Toilet-Bound Hanako-Kun (2020)

This anime is probably one of my favorites, if not my number one, in terms of art style. I love everything about the character designs and the colors used. It is just so soothing to look at.

The famous "Seven Wonders" that every school seems to have are a staple of Japanese urban legends. One of the most well-known of these tales is that of Hanako-san: Rumors claim that if one successfully manages to summon Hanako-san, the ghost of a young girl who haunts the school's bathrooms, she will grant her summoner any wish. When Nene Yashiro, a girl hoping for romantic fortune, dares to summon Hanako-san, she discovers that the rumored "girl" is actually a boy! After a series of unfortunate events involving Nene's romantic desires, she is unwillingly entangled in the world of the supernatural, becoming Hanako-kun's assistant. Soon, she finds out about Hanako-kun's lesser-known duty: maintaining the fragile balance between mortals and apparitions.

My Rating: 8/10

Kids on the Slope (2012)

If you love jazz, or history, or even heartwarming tales of friendship then this is the show for you. I will admit that is has a bit of a slow start, but by the time you get to the end you’ll be wishing for more.

In 1966, introverted classical pianist and top student Kaoru Nishimi has just arrived in Kyushu for his first year of high school. Having constantly moved from place to place since his childhood, he abandons all hope of fitting in, preparing himself for another lonely, meaningless year. That is, until he encounters the notorious delinquent Sentarou Kawabuchi.    

Sentarou's immeasurable love for jazz music inspires Kaoru to learn more about the genre, and as a result, he slowly starts to break out of his shell, making his very first friend. Kaoru begins playing the piano at after-school jazz sessions, located in the basement of fellow student Ritsuko Mukae's family-owned record shop. As he discovers the immense joy of using his musical talents to bring enjoyment to himself and others, Kaoru's summer might just crescendo into one that he will remember forever.

My Rating: 6/10

Hyouka (2012)

Energy-conservative high school student Houtarou Oreki ends up with more than he bargained for when he signs up for the Classics Club at his sister's behest—especially when he realizes how deep-rooted the club's history really is. Begrudgingly, Oreki is dragged into an investigation concerning the 45-year-old mystery that surrounds the club room.

Accompanied by his fellow club members, the knowledgeable Satoshi Fukube, the stern but benign Mayaka Ibara, and the ever-curious Eru Chitanda, Oreki must combat deadlines and lack of information with resourcefulness and hidden talent, in order to not only find the truth buried beneath the dust of works created years before them, but of other small side cases as well.

           My Rating: 6/10

Tonari no Seki-Kun: The Master of Killing Time (2014)

I absolutely adore this show. The episodes are only about 8 minutes long, and there is very little talking, yet the story still comes through perfectly. It never fails to brighten my day when I’m feeling down.

All Rumi Yokoi wants to do is focus during school, but she is constantly distracted by Toshinari Seki, her neighboring classmate. Paying attention during class is the least of Seki's worries, as he obsesses over intricate setups created using an assortment of items, from an elaborate domino course on his desk to a treacherous war played out with shogi pieces. Yokoi desperately attempts to focus in class, only to be repeatedly sucked into his intriguing eccentricities; however, they always seem to end up with her getting in trouble with their teacher. Fortunately, lessons will never be dull with Seki's antics around!

           My Rating: 9/10

Classroom of the Elite (2017)

On the surface, Koudo Ikusei Senior High School is a utopia. The students enjoy an unparalleled amount of freedom, and it is ranked highly in Japan. However, the reality is less than ideal. Four classes, A through D, are ranked in order of merit, and only the top classes receive favorable treatment.

Kiyotaka Ayanokouji is a student of Class D, where the school dumps its worst. There he meets the unsociable Suzune Horikita, who believes she was placed in Class D by mistake and desires to climb all the way to Class A, and the seemingly amicable class idol Kikyou Kushida, whose aim is to make as many friends as possible.

While class membership is permanent, class rankings are not; students in lower ranked classes can rise in rankings if they score better than those in the top ones. Additionally, in Class D, there are no bars on what methods can be used to get ahead. In this cutthroat school, can they prevail against the odds and reach the top?

           My Rating: 7/10

The Morose Mononokean (2016)

The start of Hanae Ashiya's high school career has not been easy—he has spent all of the first week in the infirmary, and his inexplicable condition is only getting worse. The cause of his torment is the mysterious fuzzy creature that has attached itself to him ever since he stumbled upon it the day before school began.

As his health continues to decline and the creature grows in size, Hanae comes across a flyer advertising an exorcist who expels youkai. Desperate and with nothing left to lose, he calls the number and is led to the Mononokean, a tea room which suddenly appears next to the infirmary. A morose-sounding man, Haruitsuki Abeno, reluctantly helps Hanae but demands payment afterward. Much to Hanae's dismay, he cannot afford the fee and must become an employee at the Mononokean to work off his debt. And to make things worse, his new boss is actually one of his classmates. If Hanae ever hopes to settle his debt, he must work together with Abeno to guide a variety of dangerous, strange, and interesting youkai back to the Underworld.

           My Rating: 6/10

Beyond the Boundary (2013)

Another of my favorite aesthetically pleasing anime, this show has been the one that I show to friends who claim that anime cannot be beautiful (yes, several of my friends have actually said things along that line).

Mirai Kuriyama is the sole survivor of a clan of Spirit World warriors with the power to employ their blood as weapons. As such, Mirai is tasked with hunting down and killing "youmu"—creatures said to be the manifestation of negative human emotions. One day, while deep in thought on the school roof, Mirai comes across Akihito Kanbara, a rare half-breed of youmu in human form. In a panicked state, she plunges her blood saber into him only to realize that he's an immortal being. From then on, the two form an impromptu friendship that revolves around Mirai constantly trying to kill Akihito, in an effort to boost her own wavering confidence as a Spirit World warrior. Eventually, Akihito also manages to convince her to join the Literary Club, which houses two other powerful Spirit World warriors, Hiroomi and Mitsuki Nase.

As the group's bond strengthens, however, so does the tenacity of the youmu around them. Their misadventures will soon turn into a fight for survival as the inevitable release of the most powerful youmu, Beyond the Boundary, approaches.

           My Rating: 7/10

Mekakucity Actors (2014)

I think about this show far more than I’d like to admit. The way they bring different plot lines together continues to amaze me 6 years after watching it for the first time.

On the hot summer day of August 14, Shintarou Kisaragi is forced to leave his room for the first time in two years. While arguing with the cyber girl Ene who lives in his computer, Shintarou Kisaragi accidentally spills soda all over his keyboard. Though they try to find a replacement online, most stores are closed due to the Obon festival, leaving them with no other choice but to visit the local department store. Venturing outside makes Shintarou extremely anxious, but the thought of living without his computer is even worse. It's just his luck that on the day he finally goes out, he's caught in a terrifying hostage situation.

Luckily, a group of teenagers with mysterious eye powers, who call themselves the "Mekakushi Dan," assist Shintarou in resolving the situation. As a result, he is forced to join their group, along with Ene. Their abilities seem to be like pieces of a puzzle, connecting one another, and as each member's past is unveiled, the secret that ties them together is slowly brought to light.

           My Rating: 8/10

Angels of Death (2018)

You totally want to get emotionally attached to cereal killers, right? Of course you do, that’s why you should totally watch this anime.

With dead and lifeless eyes, Rachel Gardner wishes only to die. Waking up in the basement of a building, she has no idea how or why she's there. She stumbles across a bandaged murderer named Zack, who is trying to escape. After promising to kill her as soon as he is free, Rachel and Zack set out to ascend through the building floor by floor until they escape.

However, as they progress upward, they meet more twisted people, and all of them seem familiar with Rachel. What is her connection to the building, and why was she placed in it? Facing a new boss on each floor, can Rachel and Zack both achieve their wishes?

           My Rating: 7/10

Bonus: Stars Align (2019)

I am adding one extra because this anime deserves so much more than it got. I adore every single character in this show and want nothing but to see them be happy. There is so much I adore about this show that I can’t put it all into words. I would recommend you watch this so you can share in my rage that the story was cut off halfway through with no current plans of completing it. There is no manga. There is no way of knowing what happens next. This recommendation is entirely for the purpose of generating more public outcry in the hopes that that causes them to finish the show. Please anime gods, if you are reading this I need to know what happens to my smol tennis boys. Are they safe? Are they alright? 

Constantly outperformed by the girls' club, the boys' soft tennis club faces disbandment due to their poor skills and lack of positive results in matches. In desperate need of members,

Toma Shinjou is looking to recruit capable players, but he fails to scout anyone. Enter Maki Katsuragi, a new transfer student who demonstrates great reflexes when he catches a stray cat in his classroom, instantly capturing Toma's attention. With his interest piqued, Toma ambitiously asks Maki to join the boys' team but is quickly rejected, as Maki doesn't wish to join any clubs. Toma refuses to back down and ends up persuading Maki—only under the condition that Toma will pay him for his participation and cover other club expenses.

As Maki joins the team, his incredible form and quick learning allow him to immediately outshine the rest of the team. Although this gives rise to conflict among the boys, Maki challenges and pushes his fellow team members to not only keep up with his seemingly natural talent, but also drive them to devote themselves to the game they once neglected.

This story focuses on the potential of the boys' soft tennis club and their discovery of their own capability, while also enduring personal hardships and dealing with the darker side of growing up in middle school.

[aros001]

Going in blind: Watching season 1 for the first time. Random thoughts.

This show is kind of nice because I have no memories of the original She-Ra show, or even any of He-Man, honestly. I'm not sure if I ever watched the original, so I have no frame of reference for how the series is "supposed" to be. I can just take it and judge it as is.

Of the bat, all I know is that supposedly She-Ra and Catra get together as a romantic couple later, but I'm also a huge My Hero Academia fan and the fandom around me ships every character with every other character, so for all I know that might just be shipper wishful thinking I've been seeing and hearing. Given fandoms for Gravity Falls, Thor, and Supernatural ship even siblings together, I've learned not to trust anything except for what I see in the series for myself.

By the way, this isn't a review, just random thoughts and comments I'm having as I'm going through season 1 for the first time.

Episodes 1 and 2: Right off, I really like Catra's "No duh" response to Adora about the truth of the horde. She knows they've been lying to them and have been doing terrible things, she just doesn't care. If she and Adora play their cards right they could end up being the ones in charge and then they'd have all that power. Not necessarily to make things better but enough to where they could do whatever and live however they want. That's a good build for an antagonist. Not ignorant to the fact what they're doing is wrong, just simply so selfish that they don't care.

Episode 3: It really feels like there was no good reason why Glimmer didn't just outright introduce Adora to her mother and every reason she should have known it was a bad idea to try and hide her for a surprise. Being a former horde soldier she'd probably get treated with hostility if Glimmer brought her to the front gate but you'd almost guarantee Adora would get arrested or outright killed if she got caught while no one else knew she was there.

On the other side, we have Hordak being pretty intelligent in promoting Catra. He probably knows Shadow Weaver already doesn't like him, so it's not like he's losing anything making her upset with him, and it's clear she favors Adora way more than Catra, so that little bit of advancement towards Catra probably goes a long way in earning her loyalty to him and a person on the inside with Shadow Weaver.

Also, I'm not the only one who saw Madam Razz and immediately thought Adora had found her Yoda, right?

Episode 4: I don't know how it was in the original She-Ra and He-Man series but I kind of like She-Ra being this title from legend. Adora is not the first She-Ra, given what Razz was talking about with a Mara, so instead of being something new, impressing everyone with abilities they've never seen before, and creating the legend, Adora is placed in a position WAY over her head where she's having to live up to what came before her.

Episode 5: Calling it now, as long as her personality is genuine I think Scorpia is going to be one of my favorite characters in this show. She's...endearing, I think is the best word. She's like a mix of Kronk and a nicer Shego.

For a little bit I thought Mermista was voiced by the same actress who played Poison Ivy in the Harley Quinn animated series. She's not but they do have the same kind of Daria-ish inflections, thus by confusion. Given the prom episode, Sea Hawk feels kind of like her Kite Man.

Episode 6: Okay, now it's between Scorpia and Entrapta who are likely to be my favorites by the end of this. She's fun and quirky.

Episode 7: Quite the lore drop. Shadow Weaver was once a Mystacor sorceress known as Light Spinner. I like to imagine we'll get more on that later. Her haunting Adora reminded me of the Teen Titans' episode where Robin was similarly haunted by Slade. This didn't go as far as that but that's probably for the best, since TT had two and a half seasons to build that dynamic up with Robin and Slade while we're only now halfway through the first season.

Episode 8: Well dang. Again, I don't know for sure if Adora and Catra do end up together but boy do I buy why they're shipped together after that dance. Also, good on Bow for standing up for himself. It's clear that he'll always be Glimmer's friend and this won't change that but that doesn't mean he has to just accommodate her. I understand where her issues stem from but I am still glad he gave her a reality check. It helps him feel a little more like his own character.

Also, another nice little bit of lore and worldbuilding. Scorpia's a princess, the horde landed where her people lived, and they seemed to join them willingly.

Episode 9: Surprisingly don't have a lot to say about this other than I don't buy for a second that Entrapta is dead (EDIT: She's not). This was mostly action.

Episode 10: Not going to lie, this one kind of annoyed me a little, at least the first half. The conversation between Glimmer and her mother saved it a bit. It was a bit of a trifecta. You have the alliance breaking apart, saying that the loss of Entrapta only happened because they were all together...even though Entrapta only "died" because of her own machine obsession that caused her to deliberately walk back into the purging chamber. You have Entrapta who might be turning to the horde's side because she feels abandoned by the other princesses...even though they thought she was dead, and again it was her fault they got separated. And you have Glimmer refusing to tell her mother that Shadow Weaver's dark magic has caused her powers to go on the fritz and is causing her great pain. It just feels like none of this would be an issue if most of these people would stop being self-absorbed for three seconds and talk like any normal person would. It feels very CW drama, like something I'd see in a bad season of Arrow or The Flash. The only person whose issues I buy is Adora, who is basically a soldier who was never properly raised to deal with emotion or loss and is already struggling with the burden of being She-Ra, the legendary savior. I get why she's beating down on herself for not being able to do more even if nothing that happened was her fault.

Episode 11: JEEEEEEEEEZZZZ, that was such a good episode! Focused entirely on Adora and Catra and their past together. Like, just showing someone this episode alone could probably get them to want to watch the series. That was everything you needed to know about their dynamic and history together.

Also, that moment when Catra and her past self are looking at each other, while obviously Catra takes the opposite lesson, it reminded me of this fanart I'd once seen of Jason Todd, the Red Hood, looking at his past self as Robin. The past says to the future "You ruined everything". Catra could be happy but, ironically for someone who hates Shadow Weaver, she's probably going to be a lot like her, sacrificing everything for power and ambition.

Given the way she looked, I'm guessing Shadow Weaver is either addicted to the power of the Black Garnet or she suffered some kind of past injury and its power is the only thing keeping her going. Or both.

Episode 12: I'll be honest, Swiftwind being able to talk kind of gobsmacked and I needed a moment to recover. What a great voice they chose for that character.

So She-Ra is kind of like the legendary heroes from Rising of the Shield Hero, coming from a long line of people chosen to wield the sword. I tend to dislike chosen one types of stories because I think prophecy takes a lot of weight out of the character's actions, so this and Avatar are more what I like. The MC is special but not the only one who's ever been special and they can still easily fail. Their destiny was only to be able to use the weapon, not that they would succeed in any specific purpose.

And dang, Catra's turn against Shadow Weaver happened faster than I thought it would but I'm not complaining. That great "This is what you've really been preparing me for" speech and Hordak, again, being an intelligent villain. "Oh, this experiment could net me a MASSIVE gain and all it could potentially cost me is this rock I already gave away to someone who lately hasn't been producing any results and has been consistently disobeying me. Yeah, I'm going to let this play out."

Episode 13: That was kind of a brutal fight between Adora and Catra. Not the worst I've ever seen even in other shows for this age range (Samurai Jack, for example) but those punches are connecting and those claws are leaving marks.

Also, maybe I'm just misunderstanding the exact situation but shouldn't the good guys' side be called the Resistance instead of the Rebellion? Being a rebellion would imply they are rebelling against an established power or rule over them, but the actual conflict we are shown is the established power and rule that is the kingdoms of Eternia resisting an outside force that wishes to establish a new order over them.

Season 1 verdict: I'm into it. I'm definitely more invested in the villains' side of things but that's not a fault of the series, that stuff is just way more geared towards me than the current princess stuff. I actively am at attention whenever the horde main characters are on screen. For the good guys it's mostly Adora and the She-Ra stuff I'm invested it. That isn't to say I have any real dislikes for that side. Bow especially I'm liking much more than I thought I might. He has kind of this gravitational pull around him. You will be his friend regardless of how much you might want to resist. He's definitely the rock for everyone else to hold onto.

Minor side note, kind of like Korra in Legend of Korra, I love how even when her powers aren't active Adora is shown to still be pretty strong physically with how easily she was lifting people up at the prom.

And I was right, Scorpia is my favorite side character.

On to season 2!

Original Reddit post: https://www.reddit.com/r/PrincessesOfPower/comments/nyll2e/going_in_blind_watching_season_1_for_the_first/

[jadelotusflower]

Robin Hood Rewatch: 1x08 Tattoo, What Tattoo?

aka Robin wants to do a war crime.

It’s been a while, but I’m back on my rewatch. This is actually one of my favourite episodes of the whole show, so get comfortable, this is a long one. Also, I welcome comments/discussion on any of these posts - I’m always up to talk Robin Hood!

Flashback time! 1191. Now, we’ve had the current date set as 1192 by earlier episodes and this is the story of How Robin Got His Scar - assuming that he must have spent some time convalescing before returning to England, he can’t have been back more than a year at the absolute most.

There’s no point talking about historical accuracy on this show - my approach is that any story ostensibly taking place in our history is that it’s an alternate universe, and this is an easy way to ignore when things don’t square with real events.

Robin fights with a broadsword in this scene, not his scimitar, and we never find out how/why he got the latter.

For plot reasons, Robin neatly slashes through Guy’s tattoo instead of cutting off his arm.

Okay, Richard’s birthday was 8 September. The attempted hanging in the first episode was 26 April, so it’s been less than five months? Actually, I think this works fine.

In an earlier episode I lamented that we never saw the bright green shirt again, but I was wrong, Robin’s wearing it under his hoodie and it had very frayed hems. I do think the show does a pretty good job of using costumes for the gang that actually look like they live in a forest and show significant wear and tear.

This is one of my favourite Marian’s costumes - it’s beautiful!

I never noticed before, but after Guy announces the engagement, Edward takes Marian’s hand and it’s very sweet.

The possessive way Guy holds up Marian’s hand to show off the ring is...yikes. And don’t the guests sound enthused!

Nobody ever brings up that it was Robin ignoring the signal because he just had to stick it to Guy and take the ring is the reason Djaq is captured, and they really should have. That said, I do like him being cheeky and kissing Marian’s hand before depriving her of the ring.

Guy could very easily have freed the dagger holding his sleeve with his other hand - but he wanted Robin to know it was he that almost killed him in the Holy Land. Just like Robin could have easily escaped, but instead waited for Guy in the forest - this confrontation has been brewing all season - so let’s get into it.

Guy starts with saying that the King has enemies because he wants peace, and “there will never be peace with the Turk.” So we assume that his motivations are with the warmongers - to scupper the peace talks with Saladin so the Crusade continues and Jerusalem is conquered. Which...doesn’t really make sense with what we know of Guy, that he would care about claiming the Holy Land, and this stance is actually contradicted later. It makes more sense that they would want to keep Richard in the Holy Land so Prince John can usurp his power while he’s away, and Guy can maintain his position. I think we can assume that is the case, and Guy is just deflecting/pushing Robin’s buttons with the war talk.

And of course, the confrontation is only ostensibly about Guy’s treason, secondly about dick swinging over Marian. Guy gets kicked in the face (for the second time this season!) and only stops his throat getting slit by the timely arrival of the gang.

Djaq is cool, calm and collected the entire episode, despite no doubt being reminded of her time in slavery.

“That’s what you taught us.” Robin told the gang all about the articles of the Geneva Convention, but like many a self-righteous superpower, thinks they doesn’t apply to him if a breach is “necessary.”

I jest, but Robin actually does stay his hand initially and listen to the gang. He does knock Guy out, but I don’t think we can hold that against him. Concussion Count: Guy (Total: Robin x 1, Guy x 1)

It’s kind of understandable that the gang are skeptical of Robin’s claims it was Guy who tried to kill the King - it can’t have gone unnoticed that Robin has war-related trauma, and just that morning a nightmare of that very event. It would seem convenient indeed that he suddenly claims he remembers Guy as the assassin, right after the engagement to Marian was announced.

I’ve said this before, but I really think it’s a strength of the show that it is prepared to Go There with Robin as a deeply flawed protagonist. Because the gang is 100% right, and he is 100% wrong - Djaq’s life should take precedence, and he is in no state of mind to be making life and death decisions. 

Concussion Count: Guy and Robin (Total: Robin x 2, Guy x 2)

Confrontation Round 2 - ding ding!

Robin is straight up manipulative of Much to get himself untied and it hurts to see - there’s a real power differential to their relationship that Robin takes advantage of. Much knows more than anyone else how damaged Robin was by the war, he knows there’s this other, brutal, side of him that can triggered (”earlier...you were not yourself”), but he still loves his friend, he wants to believe in his promises, and he’s spent his life following Robin’s instructions and those habits die hard. He does try to do the right thing - he talks in a soothing voice (”you’ve had an upset” is so Soft), tries to get Robin to sit down and talk it through, but he is too far gone.

“I will kill you whether you talk or not.” Guy doesn’t believe him, and throws his earlier words back (“show me an argument ever settled with bloodshed”) but Robin is deep in his cold rage and when Much tries to intercede we get the heartbreaking “that is because you are also simple” which really, really hurts. Now, obviously we can explain Robin’s behaviour as a trauma response/ptsd episode, but not excuse it, because it really is a cruel thing to say, targeted to hurt Much the most and push him away, and all the “I did not mean it”s in the world doesn’t change that. It’s a disturbing pattern; that Robin will say something cruel in anger or frustration, then immediately take it back and say he didn’t mean it - but the thing is, a part of him did mean it, must mean it, because he said it - it may be a dark fleeting thought, those unkind things we all think sometimes, but Robin gives voice to them and causes hurt, and that can’t be undone.

Again, I give credit that this is a show that doesn’t always cast its hero in the best light - he does screw up, he does say the wrong thing, he does make poor decisions despite his good heart. Robin is such an interesting, complicated character - heroic but with another side to him, a capacity for cruelty and violence that most of the time he keeps in check, but every now and then he can’t stop it rising to the surface, can’t keep that dark side of himself contained, but can only try to push it back with regret.

He then shifts from trying to kill Guy to trying to torture him, and obviously it’s all very thinly veiled social commentary, but this was 2006, and as I’ve said in a previous post social commentary is why we retell stories like this.

As I said above, Guy contradicts his earlier reasoning with “what kind of king deserts his people to fight someone else’s war in a foreign land?” but I think this is more the fear talking, with that red-hot sword close to his face, trying to appeal to Robin’s kinder/protective nature. To which we get another yikes line from Robin - “if you were his people he was right to desert them.” I don’t think Robin believes this, he’s deflecting Guy’s very good point to try and justify torturing him.

But in the end, he can’t justify it, at least not without making it a fair fight. And it’s a good fight! Well acted and choreographed, visceral and emotionally intense - they way they get progressively sweatier and dirtier and more exhausted, the way the music shifts from the jaunty theme to silence to those haunting strings - one of the best sequences of the show, imo.

Guy continues to throw out arguments that I don’t think he holds himself, but rather what he thinks will appeal to Robin - “it’s not England’s war, it’s Rome’s” was the exact point Robin made in the first episode (”Is it our Holy War? Or is it Pope Gregory’s?”). When Robin rightly points out that Guy’s assassination attempt broke the ceasefire, and Guy responds that “there will always be war”  and he wants a King that will fights for England’s gain, not the Pope’s. That, I think, is close to his true motivation.

We get confirmation that religious conviction is why Robin went on crusade, but that it was meeting those of other faiths and realising the Holy Land should be shared, not conquered, that turned his heart. This seems to be the primary cause of Robin’s trauma - that he fought in an unjust war, made under false pretenses, and that he was not a warrior for God, but a murderer. While Much is obviously also scarred from the war, I think he handles it better partly because it wasn’t his decision to go, he was just following Robin, and he didn’t have his faith and understanding of the world shattered like Robin did. Also, he’s selfless, he’s a caretaker, so I think he buries his own trauma deeper and it doesn’t bubble to the surface as much as Robin’s does but comes out in sadness rather than anger.

UTTER EXHAUSTION.

Guy’s taunts become more pointed - calling out Robin’s glory seeking and loss of status, then turn to Marian, and it seems his obsession with her (other than being The Only Noblewoman in Nottingham) is in part to have everything Robin once did  - his lands, his title, and the woman to whom he was betrothed - especially taking into account the backstory of season 3. It’s rather gross the way he speaks of Marian (“do you think I won’t laugh every time...”) although I suppose you could argue that it was a targeted attack on Robin and not how he actually feels.

It’s interesting that at this point, Guy accepts that Marian is sympathetic to Robin and still has contact with her - he’s not entirely clueless.

Concussion Count: Guy (Total: Robin x 2, Guy x 3)

The scene between Robin and Marian is also very good - he does throw her “everything is a choice” back at her somewhat petulantly, but it shows that he listened to her, and took what she said to heart. Marian, like the gang, assumes the accusation against Guy is about her engagement, and they have two tense conversations at once (”you took his ring/you took his ring” is rather deft).

I feel for Marian here, because she’s in a bad situation forced into marriage with Guy, and it would be made so much worse if he’d done what Robin says. She’s trying to make the best of it.

Everyone’s reaction to “I like her/I think I love her” is priceless, and I will defer to this commentary on this excellent post. Also a shoutout to @angel-in-a-big-blue-box’s tags #I also love how marian's stepping back like 'I don't understand. Y'all just voice your feelings like that? #You don't passive-aggressively snark at each other?’ SO TRUE - neither can fathom actually being this direct - Robin snarks that “everything is a choice” about running off into the forest, when he means “choose me” but can’t say it.

Concussion Count: Robin  (Total: Robin x 3, Guy x 3). Both of them about to develop CTE at this rate.

I’ve said it before, but for all his faults, Robin admits when he’s wrong.

Will’s awkward little “Djaq” and Allan’s grin and nod is so cute.

I would have liked a longer conversation between Robin and Djaq tbh, her “and you gave him up for me?” is perhaps a trifle too magnanimous of her, but it’s a nice little coda with the gang all sitting down together and forgiving Robin.

[girlsbtrs]

Lia Menaker on her music, inspirations, and teaming up with Melanated Social Work

Written and edited by James N. Grey. Graphic by Moira Ashley. 

Lia Menaker wants to support Black lives, specifically within the mental health sphere. So she donated the proceeds from her album, I am Kyrøs, toward ending the stigma around mental health in those communities. Girls Behind the Rock Show connected with her to get her perspective on her music, her identification with the cause, and how she feels it all ties together.

How did you find Melanated Social Work and how did you identify with their cause? 

I actually know one of the founders personally, Marvin Toliver, so I’ve been following their social media and learning about the organization from him. We are talking a lot about police reform and the justice system now, which is great and important. But we often forget about the health component. And these guys, in their focus on the liberation of Black and Brown people, are working to end the stigma around mental health in Black and Brown communities, and working to make sure mental health professionals are truly culturally competent. I realized that they were the best place to dedicate my resources and time to.

What inspired you to donate your Bandcamp proceeds to them?

George Floyd was killed just weeks before my EP was set to release. And when the riots started, and the country started waking up to the level of police brutality threatening people of color, and the injustice of our institutions, it felt very strange to release the EP. The intersection of everything—COVID-19, the racial disparities and economic inequalities thus heightened, and the slew of unjust murders of POC—all became this giant traumatic thing our country was experiencing. I felt Black voices should be heightened, and in many ways, felt that it wasn't the right time to share the music. But on the other side of things, I also knew the world needed as much art as possible, of all kinds. Since the songs dealt with identity and the self, they could relate to what was going on in many ways. 

I decided the best thing to do would be to release the music as planned, and in between the sharing and promoting of the album, to highlight as many Black voices and resources and information as possible. I wanted this to incorporate a donation and some awareness of solid Black-run organizations. 

How has being Kyrøs allowed you to be more creative and free? 

The word “kairos” is an ancient Greek concept referring to that perfect melding of space and time when it’s the opportune moment to act. It was a way of measuring time in moments (versus “kronos,” which was their concept for chronological time). When I came across the word, it felt like it described my change as an artist to a T. And once I took on the name, all that history that comes with one’s name—the feelings, memories, habits and obstacles that came with 30+ years of being “Lia Menaker”— dissolved. I think I subconsciously felt the freedom to try new things. 

I started producing, and getting super creative on my live streams. I was improv-ing with no idea what I was doing, but it didn’t matter. I just kept doing it and didn’t feel the same self-judgment I’d had before. Approaching music with a sort of reckless abandon allowed me to be the best and boldest version of myself.

But what’s interesting is even the things that free you can start to take control of you. That high you get from being in such an open, creative space…you can only ride that wavelength for so long. At some point, you get stuck again, and you find yourself chasing that high. It can become an addiction, you know? 

In a way, I ended up clinging to that identity of who I was when I was kyrøs, and I didn’t realize it until I was literally releasing the songs. It’s a big reason why it became the album name instead of my new artist name. I realized it was really more of an alter ego all along. That it didn’t replace Lia Menaker as an artist. So it turns out I was still learning lessons on identity as I was releasing the songs!

How did your childhood in theater and pop music inspire you?

While kids watched shows like Sesame Street and Barney, I was watching Annie, The Sound of Music, [and] Peter Pan… I was always drawn to it and felt like I could see myself in the characters. I begged my mom to do a musical at age 6 (Oliver), and then I was hooked doing musicals the rest of my childhood and most of my young adult life. So I think it felt like a language I understood, a form of expression I connected to on another level. There was always a story to the songs, an arc, [and] often, deep emotion and expressive vocals. I think the way I approach music—my soulfulness and the way I connect to it—comes from years of growing up with that. Also, I think a lot of my phrasing and how I articulate words comes from the musical theatre influence.

I think it was later in life that pop music began to really inspire me. Discovering Joni Mitchell was a huge one. Her incredible use of lyrics (in my opinion, she’s one of the lyrical greats and extremely underrated), and her 100% unabashed authenticity and womanliness was captivating. Her music is poetic, moody, unique—filled with so much complex emotion and story. Lyrically, I think my first album (Animal Behavior, in 2015) shows some of her influence on me. Especially the opening track, “Holding My Space.” 

But pop aside, some of the great jazz vocalists were a big influence on me as well. It started with Ella Fitzgerald and Billie Holiday. It was an easy segue because they sang a lot of Gershwin and musical theatre covers, but then I delved deeper into their work, and eventually found (and fell in love with) Nina Simone too. The raw, warm, raspy, bold voice filled with more soul and both joy and pain than I could imagine. And I always found that type of music so beautiful as a kid. I just found that part of people to be equally as beautiful as the lighter side, and found expressing pain through art to be the most incredible thing. So when I heard music that captured that, I think I was always intrigued. 

What storylines in your 30's did you find that you were shucking off?

I had this limited view of myself my whole life as a singer/performer. Since I was 6 years old, that was my life: community theatre as a kid, studying musical theatre at Penn State, tours and regional theatre, then songwriting, music and singing in every fashion. It was the way I saw my value to the world, and I basically lived for my dreams and goals—this is how I saw whether or not I was successful. And the thought of not reaching them consumed me… 

I always felt I wasn’t measuring up to whom I could be. This was a huge storyline I had to face: this idea of not being enough right now. And then it got me thinking about all this living in the ego… and “if I’m not my dreams, my goals, or even my job, what am I?” This inspired the song “Some Kind” because I realized if I wasn’t those things I most identified with, I was still me. A lot of the lyrics to that song express the storylines I grappled with, and also how I made sense of them: “We measure all that’s left with time - a calculated art. The things we do that give us pride, we hold up high as if it’s all that we are / All the stories give us meaning - keep us moving on… make it real. Run our choices, our bodies - keep us fused to what we feel.” 

I would look back periodically at my life and think things like “What have I even done? My tour wasn’t successful enough, not enough people are listening to my music, I don’t make the money I should be making at this age, I’ll never amount to anything.” [I used] whatever metrics I thought would show me proof of a valuable life. I still struggle with them sometimes. Realizing the storylines is just the start. You have to keep checking yourself [and make sure] that you’re not caught up in them again. They were ingrained in my head for years, so it takes time to rewire the brain. 

Ultimately, in my 30s, I’m finding so much more joy in the process and the creation itself, and trying to practice looking at what I have in my life as “enough.” The older I get, the more I see life passing quicker, and the more I just want to take it all in. To bask in love and music and the feeling of living with versus without. The 30s are a great time, because I think it’s the decade where a lot of us start to realize these things. Though, of course, some of us go our entire lives without feeling like we are, or we have enough. And new storylines will always be created, so we have to just keep checking ourselves. Especially when we’re all so obsessed with social media. Social media is literally a collection of storylines.

What inspired you to meld together eclectic sounds? Why a soulful, jazzy voice with a minimalistic background?

I’ve always loved warm, jazz vocals. As I mentioned earlier, I grew up engrossed in musical theatre, and that included a lot of standards by singers like Nina Simone, Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald. About four years ago, I also re-fell in love with Amy Winehouse and started really listening to her vocals and her style, pinpointing what it was that I loved so much. There’s a mix of this warmth and authenticity, but with a modern edge that just hits you in all the right places. So that’s what’s inspired my sound vocally.

But at the same time, I’m a big fan of using unconventional sounds and challenging people’s ears. A lot of what I’ve listened to over the past few years has strong electronic elements. SOHN is one I’m really drawn to, and he’s brilliant at the mix of pure/simple and unconventional. He has this way of putting a simple, soaring, haunting vocal over a backdrop of complex, evolving electronic elements. It’s a sound that you can’t produce with conventional instruments. When I first heard him, it blew my mind—it was like a spiritual experience, and I thought “I want to do THAT!” Susanne Sundfor’s Silicone Veil album was a big game changer for me too. 

I loved the idea of marrying the two worlds—this classic, timeless feel with an electronic modern sound that reflects the times—to create something authentic to me and my influences. With so much of our world being digital now, it felt right to experiment with electronic elements. And when I started playing around with new software, and some samples, beats, and different gear, it just all slowly started to meld together into a sound that felt right.

What were some favorite ways that you experimented with sounds and techniques to achieve your sound? Anything that you might take over with you into the future?

A lot of the experimentation happened (and continues to happen) during my weekly live streams on Twitch (@liamenaker). It’s sort of the place where I have permission to work through songs, try stuff out, and honestly just have a lot of fun and engage with others during the creation process. The community there is also so incredibly supportive and open. The last song I wrote for the album, “Imprinted,” started out as some improv loops and just fooling around on my Twitch live stream: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xWjEAYAa7w. And I have at least four others waiting in the queue to finish that also began the same way. One of which I sent over to a jazz funk band in Paris to collaborate with me on. So I’ll definitely keep this as part of my approach. 

Aside from that, my process is always changing, to be honest. So I’m trying to remain open to new techniques and approaches, and to keep allowing myself to be inspired by other artists and sounds. I’d like to explore more synth sounds and recording techniques, and just keep improving as an artist and producer as well. One thing I’ve noticed, too, is if I zero in too much on one writing approach or technique, I start to cling to it, relying on that as the way I “should” write everything. And then things just start to feel stale for me, or I run out of juice or hit a writer’s block. Then I find a new technique or gear or collaboration. I guess that’s why my approach keeps changing. We’ll see how long the current one sticks for, ha!

Which track on the EP is your favorite and why?

I think it keeps changing. But at the moment, the opening track "All My Life" is my favorite. I’m really connecting to the meditative and tribal nature of it, and I think the chorus is the catchiest of the songs. It has that "nobody's gonna bring me down!" feeling too, which feels extra relevant now, as many of us in the country feel like we're just pushing forward, doing everything we can to make things work during this difficult time.

I constantly imagine songs in other places: are there any movies/TV shows or any other places where you'd imagine your songs would play?

I can see some of these in crime and murder mystery-type shows. I’ve had people tell me “Imprinted” has a Twin Peaks or James Bond feel to it. So maybe a show or movie with a kind of slinky jazz lounge vibe. There’s definitely a meditative, tribal feel to some of the songs too, so I think they could work in a movie/TV show with that vibe. But honestly, I think less about music in terms of specific movies or TV shows, and more about fitting themes. So, for example, “All My Life” is perfect to capture that theme of being unstoppable, or a character finally going after their dream. “Stranger” would work well for a theme of not feeling like yourself or acting out of character. I think a lot of the songs on the album fit clear, universal themes, and so I’m hoping that I can find some success pitching these to music supervisors, production companies, etc.

For all us young'un's out there: How much of our identity is actually wrapped up in our dreams? Do you think it's important to separate our dreams, identity, and realities?

Uh oh… you’re going to get me on a soapbox, ha!

So I think it’s different for everyone, but I think it’s fair to say that for most of us, yes, our identity is either wrapped up in our dreams and/or in our work. Think about it. When we meet people, how often do we ask, “What do you do?” as if the answer will give us an accurate idea of who they really are. And how often do we judge people based on their careers?

But the truth is, achievements DO NOT define who you are, and do not define your worth, value, or potential. And while dreams can shape us, they can also limit us. They can keep us from seeing other sides of ourselves. And when we’re hyper focused on them, we miss out on so much beauty! I find the most memorable moments of life are actually quiet, behind the scenes, and not at all the result of working towards a dream or goal. [Goals] are not as great when they determine your ultimate view of yourself and control your amount of suffering. 

I think I’m just realizing now too, that I hate the term “dream.” Dream sounds like an “all or nothing” approach. “Ideal” feels more flexible. For some reason, it feels healthier for me to look at it as “my ideal situation” version “my dream.”All around us, we’re being told we need to “dream big” and “you can do whatever you set your mind to” and “live up to your potential.” We love to dote on famous and rich people or take courses on how to be like them. Those who never “make it” (whatever that awful phrase even means) are looked at as failures, less successful, not as worthy or talented or smart. It’s. All. Bullshit. And the song on the EP “Imprinted” basically revolves around all of this. 

So do I think it’s important to separate our dreams, identity, and realities? I think it’s probably unrealistic to try to. I think it’s all intertwined. Our dreams (or “ideal situation,” ha) will probably shape a bit of who we are (our identity). But I think the key is to understand [that] it’s a very small, ego-driven piece of who we are, and doesn’t ultimately define us. And I think it’s important to see our identities (and dreams for that matter) as constantly shifting. To, as one of my favorite spiritual teachers Pema Chödrön talks about, get comfortable with the fact that the ground beneath us is always shifting. I think it’s healthy to incorporate the stuff on the ego-level (dreams, identity) and the stuff underneath, the non-ego (that pure essence of who we are underneath the dreams, underneath the identity perceptions, underneath all judgments and experiences). Because while the stuff on the surface doesn’t define the essence of who we are, it’s still a reality that we take the train into work, or have to cook dinner for the kids, or need to make money to survive, right? These are still very real; they’re just not the full picture. And that’s the important part.

I think it’s especially important for the younger generations to pay attention to all of this in the age of social media. [Social media has] made understanding the truth of who we are and the idea of living in the non-ego so hard. Social media is all ego, storylines. I’m not saying it doesn’t have a lot of good aspects to it too. But it make[s] it very hard to feel and see the layers of a situation. Things are often black and white on social media, and we are sold specific messages on what it means to be successful and happy. It’s a system based on instant gratification (likes, comments, followers), and we have the tendency to add it up to calculate our value. If we’re not careful, it can drive us further from the whole truth, and deeper into the storylines.

Lia Menaker’s album I am Kyrøs is available now on https://liamenaker.bandcamp.com/. 

All proceeds throughout the month of July benefit Melanated Social Work [https://www.instagram.com/melanatedsocialwork/?hl=en]. 

[just-another-winchester]

What A Nightmare

An Endless Maiden Voyage

Pairing: Dean x y/n

Word Count: 2410

Summary: During a fight with a djinn you get sent into your dreams. Soon finding out Dean and Sam are stuck in your dream as well you have to find a way out of your dream before it becomes your worst nightmare.

Warnings: Angst, violence, suicide attempt (more jokingly to escape the dream) death

A/N:  So as I’ve stated before, this is going to be a mini-series about the Titanic and it’s one and only voyage. You guys have always been very kind and respectful, I simply ask that you continue to be throughout this story. Titanic is a very important subject to me. It’s a tragedy, whether it happened a week ago, a year ago, or a hundred years ago. Although I have done my research I will probably get a bit wrong, especially in the aspect of the djinn. So that’s all, thank you.

One huge thanks to my favorite Amanda for being awesome and helping with her mad Beta skills. @amanda-teaches

Most people are lucky enough that they never have to face the unnatural, the supernatural, anything that didn’t meet up with the ordinary world they lived in.

You, you were unfortunately not one of those people.

You struggled with monsters, with ghosts, with all sorts of creatures that really shouldn’t exist, but here you were, still fighting them like you were some action movie star that didn’t get to yell cut when life got hard.

This is what you were thinking about as you wandered an abandoned farmhouse in the middle of nowhere.

“How is this a farmhouse, the place is a damn mansion,” you muttered to yourself. Dean, walking beside you, held out his hand to insinuate he wanted you to stop. Sam was behind the both of you and stopped slowly when he saw Dean.

In this general area, a few kids had gone missing. Apparently, because the place was allegedly haunted, a few high schoolers thought it would be cool to take a look around. Unfortunately, they were wrong.

After finding no evidence of any deaths or haunting, you and the boys figured out it must have been something else. Your best guess, a djinn. So the lot of you went out, armed with a silver knife, dipped in lamb’s blood.

For a moment, all you could hear was a creak and maybe some water drips. As the moment went on, it felt like your heartbeat got louder, beginning to beat louder and louder, and louder.

Then, you felt a hand on your shoulder.

You turned, thinking it was Sam, but you came face to face with tattoos and a glowing hand.

“Dean!” you yelled, bending backward to dodge the djinn’s attempt to trap you.

One arm swung upwards in defense, the other, holding the knife, stabbed straight into the creature's belly.

The djinn stopped in its tracks, blood beginning to slowly spill out of its mouth as it fell to the ground.

Dean was by your side the instant you yelled but just turned to you with a smirk.

“You yell for me, but then you don’t need the help,” he commented.

You rolled your eyes at the man, looking around.

“Where’s Sammy?” the eldest Winchester questioned.

Sam popped into your mind.

He had been just behind you, then the djinn attacked.

“Shit,” you grumbled. “He was just behind me, the djinn might have gotten him.”

You barely got to finish the question before Dean began to walk back in the direction you’d been coming from,

“Sam!” He called, a hint of worry in his voice that made you smile. Dean was such a sweet big brother.

You followed in suit, hoping that Sam was alright, and it didn’t take long for you to find him.

You entered a larger room of the home, recognizing a lump on the floor as Sam instantly.

Dean hurried over to him as you joined them.

“He’s okay,” Dean sighed.

“Of course he is, he’s a Winchester. You guys are like cockroaches, you can’t be squished.” You gagged at the thought of a crunched cockroach.

Dean began to lift up his brother, wrapping one of Sam’s arms over his shoulder. “C’mon, we gotta get him outta here.”

You nodded, copying Dean’s movement in wrapping Sam’s other arm around your shoulders.

Before you could stand up, however, a sound echoed across the room. You released Sam’s arm gently, turning with your knife in hand and once again being met by a djinn.

You swung, reusing your movements from earlier with the first djinn, but this one was bigger, stronger. He caught you off guard, his glowing hand coming in contact with your forehead before you could even yell for help.

-------

Your eyes fluttered open, and you were met with the immediate sense to throw up.

You recalled what happened, the djinn, Sam, and you simply prayed that Dean had gotten his brother out of there.

Rubbing your eyes, you sat up from your place, peering around at your surroundings.

You were lying on a bed, or a cot really. The mattress was small and was just enough for you to fit. Looking up, you saw the bottom of a bunk, and, to your left, was a small couch.

In between you and the couch, on the other side, was a cabinet. You moved so that your legs were resting over the edge of the bunk and leaned over to inspect what you saw.

On the cabinet was a washbasin, above it a mirror and various toiletries.

What you saw was an older style, you recognized that, but from the way it looked, it was practically brand new.

Something in your mind clicked and, as you began putting two and two together, your eyes widened and your jaw dropped.

“Oh, crap no..” you muttered.

You hopped out of bed but tripped instantly, groaning as you turned over. By the fact that you felt something wrapped around your legs, you guessed a blanket had been over you and you simply hadn’t noticed to take it off.

Looking at yourself, you found something different than you expected.

Instead of a blanket, a skirt was wrapped tightly around your legs, a pinkish, peach colored skirt that had entangled you, and you quickly realized that your worst nightmare was coming true, and not your most wished dream.

Attached to your skirt was the rest of the dress, a short sleeved top with lace embroidered across the chest and a small rose perfectly placed in a delicate position right at the top of the dress.

You lifted your skirt to inspect your shoes, only to yet again find something you'd not been wearing before.

These weren’t your combat boots that you so deeply loved. These were a pair of white leather heels. Thankfully they weren’t high heels or anything, otherwise, you’d have had to go around barefoot.

You pushed yourself to stand and took a few steps to get yourself acquainted with the strange clothes before you finally were able to walk out the door.

Everything you passed just proved further and further that your suspicions were correct. You ran until you found a staircase and followed it upwards. Even though you were happy you knew your way around, you were still unhappy because that simply proved further this was exactly what you thought it was, and as you climbed the staircase, and turned the corner, stepping out into the sun, you were proved exactly right.

You were aboard the Titanic.

----

You had a few things in common with Sam: your love of books and research, your similar personalities, and you both also happened to have a strange obsession with somewhat macabre things.

Sam enjoyed the history of serial killers.

You, you could sit down and learn about shipwrecks for an eternity.

As many people would know, one of, if not the most famous shipwreck, was probably the RMS Titanic.

The Titanic was what got you fascinated by shipwrecks actually, all the mystery that shrouded its remains, all the questions that will go unanswered for probably the rest of forever, how well things are preserved at the bottom of the ocean, such as how with Britannic, the Titanic’s lesser-known sister ship, in the Kea channel where it sank, there were still untouched mines in the water near that wreck and others.

Many shipwrecks still had recognizable items that were from a time that we can only read about in history books, and that was what fascinated you.

Being aboard the Titanic, however, as fascinating as the ship was, was never something you’d have dreamed for. It was closer to a nightmare than anything you would ever wish for.

However, here you still were, standing on the ship that is infamous for crashing into an iceberg and killing 1500 people.

You judged that you were probably on the aft part of the ship, by the looks of things that was your best guess anyway, so you followed a set of stairs that led up, climbing onto the elevated stern deck.

You peered over the railing and got a view of what you guessed to be one of Titanic's stops, by guess its first stop probably, of Southampton. There were people littering the upper decks and standing at the railings, waving to whoever they were leaving down below.

In a way, you almost appreciated the sight. You knew this was a dream and was simply your interpretation from what you’d heard, but it didn’t take away from the awe of the sight.

In awe of the moment, you forgot about what was really happening. The djinn, the boys.

You turned away from the railing and thought to yourself.

You recalled the last time you dealt with a djinn when it had taken Dean. He told you he’d stabbed himself to get out.

Dying wakes you up.

You almost laughed as you looked at the stern, the Union Jack waving, the flap of its fabric loud and proud.

“Well, Rose looks like I’m gonna take a lesson or two from you.”

You walked to the very end, standing just where the character Rose, from the 1997 movie had when Jack pulled her back over. You leaned against the flagpole, then looked back toward the rest of the ship.

There were tons of people on the port, watching the ship. Surely someone would see you if you tried to jump over. You took a step back and sighed, wondering if maybe waiting until you set sail was the better choice.

Of course, part of you knew that was just an excuse to see the ship. Ever since you came to learn about ships and shipwrecks you lost any taste you may have had to be on a boat ever, but here, now, this was a dream, so it was more than likely nothing could go wrong.

You had to gauge how long you had, if the boys hadn’t gotten out then you would have to wake up, or else you were doomed.

Which simply begged the question, should you really wait around and try and enjoy the nightmare you were trapped in? Or just get it over with and get back to Sam and Dean?

That was no contest, even the slight chance that they didn’t get out, if they needed your help then you couldn’t wait around and risk it.

You stepped forward, peering over the side at the water below. You let out a sigh, hoping that no one was paying attention. At least you might not feel it, maybe you’d get lucky and the falling would wake you up.

Without a second thought, you began to climb over the railing, using the flagpole for stability.

The bright sunshine reflected off the water, your heart began to thump hard in your chest, you closed your eyes, and you loosened your hold on the railing once you’d finished climbing over.

Just before you could let go you heard a familiar voice yell out. “Hey!”

Before you could even turn around you felt a pair of arms grabbing you around your waist and yanking you back over the railing.

You grabbed hold of the arms that were securely around you and practically tried to bite whoever had ruined your plan.

The both of you fell to the ground, and you were released, but you grabbed one of the man's arms and twisted it around.

“Who the hell-” you began to ask, turning to face him. You released his arm and stepped back before letting out a groan. “Oh come on!” you yelled.

Dean stood before you, dressed in a navy blue sweatshirt that read White Star Line.

“What the hell is wrong with you!?” he demanded as he glared at you. “I just saved your ass!”

“Dammit, Dean, you scared me!” you growled

His face turned from irritation to shock to confusion.

“How do you know my name?” he demanded.

“How-” you began to repeat his question, your face twisted with confusion.

“Wait,” you stopped. “Do you know me?”

Dean shook his head. “God no, you’re a damn stranger. I just thought you needed help cause you were trying to fucking kill yourself!”

The realization began to dawn on you, your fingers running through your hair. “No no no no no no no. Shit!”

If Dean genuinely didn’t recall you… but he was here. Was he real? Stuck in your dream? Or was he just part of the dream. Dean had never been part of your dreams or nightmares before.

You weren’t quite sure if Dean was really there or not, but that just furthered your intent to get out of this nightmare and make sure the Winchester men were alright.

Dean shook his head and began to walk away, grumbling about your lack of sanity.

Once he’d turned around, you smirked and made a beeline for the railing yet again. But, before you could get there, you were tackled to the ground.

You let out a loud groan as you crashed against the deck.

“You really are nuts!” Dean said to you.

For a guy who thinks he’s from 1912, he talks strangely casual.

He is Dean.

Well shit.

“Alright alright,” you agreed. Dean was clearly not going to let you jump. If this was him, you had to do everything possible to wake him up.

Killing him wasn’t really an option, although there had been many times you really wanted to stab the man, you, unfortunately, loved him too much to do so.

Because you didn’t fully know what was going on, you were too afraid to make a risky move that could end this all very badly, so you had to figure out what you were going to do, and you had to figure it out quickly.

The ship had begun to move away from the port, and you could see that the journey had started.

If you were just taking off, then it must have been April 10th, which simply meant you had to figure out what Dean was doing here, why you were in this nightmare, and how to escape it before the end of the fourth day.

The Titanic set sail on its maiden voyage on the 10th but never made it to its destination of New York. Four days into the journey, on the night of April 14th, the Titanic would hit an iceberg and doom everyone on board.

Dream or not, you had to be off this ship and home before that happened, or else this really would become your living nightmare.

MY TAG LIST IS WIDE OPEN!!

Dream Team

@spn67-sister @queen-of-deans-booty @ria132love @winchestergeekfreak @maui137 @katymacsupernatural @jayneysimp @emoryhemsworth @just-another-busy-fangirl @jensensjaredsandmishaslover @mogaruke @kristendanwayne @cassieraider @squirrel-moose-winchester @hms-fangirl @heyitscam99  

Dean Team

@akshi8278 @polina-93 @aubreystilinski @-lovepeacenhope- @waywardbaby97 @missjenniferb @whimsicalrobots @rainflowermoonlibrary

Titanic Tags

@claitynroberts @atc74

[dillydedalus]

books i read in october

will i even read anything this month? MAYBE NOT (i did.)

der gang vor die hunde (going to the dogs), erich kästner  the restored full text of kästner’s fabian, a satirical novel about late weimar berlin and how it is.... going to the dogs. it’s witty, everyone is dancing (and uh, fucking) on the edge of the abyss, fabian sees the end of europe everywhere he looks, but my favourite bits were honestly kästner’s incredibly sharp & funny postscripts (one to the moral censors, one to the art critics - ‘this book is not for confirmees, no matter how old they are’), and the blurb calling berlin ‘der zärtliche moloch der moderne’/’the tender moloch of modernity’. 3.5/5

hier ist noch alles möglich, gianna molinari longlisted for german book prize. a short novel about a woman who decides to become a nightguard at a rundown factory where a wolf has been seen (maybe). mostly, it’s ramblings about borders/boundaries, intrusions and separations of space (the wolf coming into the factory, the fence of the factory, islands etc). it’s interesting, but it’s a bit too long for what it did. 2.5/5

when hitler stole pink rabbit, judith kerr i’ve had this book for like. probably 15 years? god. anyway, somehow i never read it and picked it up now to get it off the unread shelf. it’s a fictionalised account of kerr’s childhood as a refugee after her jewish family leaves germany just before the nazis come into power, and their struggle to make a living and find their place in the countries they escape to. it was really well-done, not overly didactic or sentimental & i should have read it as a kid i guess! 3/5 

die liebe unter aliens, terézia mora short story collection. i listened to the audio book, which only has 5 of the 10 stories (which i didn’t know before), so that’s a bit disappointing. anyway, the title means ‘love among aliens’, but sadly there were no aliens :(. just alienated people trying to find something/themselves/etc. i liked mora’s style, but the only story i rly liked was one about a japanese prof who falls in love with a goddess. 2.5/5, gave it 3/5 on goodreads bc i only heard half the stories 

buried in the sky, peter zuckerman & amanda padoan i find mountaineering disasters morbidly fascinating & am kinda obsessed with them (throwback to last year when i read into thin air & told everyone who’d listen not to climb everest & they were all like.... wasn’t planning to but okay??). k2 is only slightly less high than everest but much more difficult technically (all the climbers r like.... oh everest is so easy i wanted a real challenge like.... k). anyway this book is focused on a particular disaster on k2 during which 11 people died, as well as on the position, history, culture etc. of the indigenous ethnic groups that live in these regions & work for mountaineering expeditions (Sherpas being the most well-known but there are others as well!). since the authors weren’t on this expedition, it’s not quite as harrowing and immersive as into thin air  but it’s still plenty harrowing! horrible deaths! the deaths of the high altitude workers were incredibly tragic & while obvi the mountaineers’ deaths are sad too, i feel like they know what they’re getting into & they’re not doing it out of economic necessity but for like... fun? the rush? pride? idk. but anyway if you don’t wanna die... don’t go into the DEATH ZONE. it’s literally called the DEATH ZONE DON’T GO THERE. anyway yeah i find everything about extreme mountaineering super fascinating & terrifying & this is a good one, tho into thin air would be still my #1 rec. 4/5

wenn es nur licht gäbe, bevor es dunkel wird, iunona guruli tbh i mainly got this on overdrive bc i hadn’t really read anything from georgia (the country in the caucasus, not the american state). it’s a short story collection (mostly about/set in georgia but written in german) on themes like drug abuse, gendered, sexual & domestic violence and depression, so... not much fun here! there is a dreamlike quality to some of the stories which i think contrasted well with the quite dark themes, but overall the stories were too similar & blended together too much for me, and sometimes the style seemed a bit too laboured. 2.5/5 

unter weißen, mohamed amjahid really good, persuasive & engaging examination of racism in germany, accessible without being basic. i haven’t really read a book like this about specifically german racism and its particularities, especially one so recent (it was published in 2017 & the context of the ‘refugee crisis’ is rly important). amjahid (who’s a journalist with die zeit currently) works w/ a lot of personal anecdotes and they are uh. horrible. like, one chapter is about the paternalistic side of willkommenskultur, where he goes to munich train station to interview volunteers welcoming refugees and some of them immediately cast him as ‘helpless ignorant refugee in need of our benevolence’ & dehumanise him to the point that they don’t even register that he’s speaking to them in german like. fuck. 4/5

desintegriert euch!, max czollek (actually finished this a bit later but it goes well with the amjahid book) while amjahid discusses racism in germany both in general terms and specifically islamophobia, czollek focuses on german antisemitism and advocates for disassimilation & alliances between different marginalised groups in rejection of german ‘leitkultur’. also he talks about daniel kahn in a chapter on jewish revenge & i love daniel kahn. 4/5

the white guard, mikhail bulgakov (tr. from russian) look, the situation in kiev after the russian revolution and the multiple military take-overs of the city is interesting and all (tho incredibly confusing if like me you don’t know who any of the factions are or what they want), but where’s the devil? where are the witchy vibes? where is the demonic talking cat? 3/5

der vogelgott, susanne röckel so this was shortlisted for this year’s german book prize and i can totally see why. it’s disturbing, compelling, has a lot of conceptually interesting weird stuff going on and it almost really worked for me. it’s a story about three siblings haunted by a strange & horrible birdgod after their father, a hobby ornithologist and taxidermist, kills a bird he shouldn’t have. while the siblings live very different lives - one goes to a fictional african (?) country to work for an ngo, one is working on her doctoral thesis on a medieval german painter, the third is a journalist researching strange fears and dreams that are troubling the city’s children - all of them become entwined with this birdgod and the cult(s) surrounding it. my problem is mainly that the book uses the ‘too horrible to describe/comprehend’ trope way too much, which is effective the first few times but eventually wears off & just becomes annoying and like.... so what?? also, the first sibling’s chapter uses some very colonialist tropes about the savage religions and customs of the uncivilised natives, and while there is an attempt at subversion here (e.g. the same cult being present in medieval germany apparently), it didn’t feel like enough for me. but overall this is a really interesting, disturbing little book. 3.5/5

king lear, shakespeare (for uni) honestly... i expected more from this, tho to be fair reading it in a rush for a seminar (that ended up getting cancelled anyway) probably wasn’t ideal. overall i just.... didn’t feel anything about anyone (except the YAAAS BITCH vibes for regan/goneril/edmond’s shenanigans), many characters’ choices & actions didn’t make sense to me & i was disappointed that cordelia wasn’t a character as much as a ~pure selfless angel for lear to have feelings about. 2/5

currently reading: the bloody chamber by angela carter which i’m high-key loving, white dancing elephants by chaya bhuvaneswar, also two comics/graphic novels: john lewis’ march series and saga book one

[lanonima]

The History of Silverwood

So the roots of Silverwood stretch all the way back to 2002/2003-ish (me being 11 or 12 at the time) and the story, being made organically, had gone through a number of incredible changes over the years which are still hilarious to me so Buckle Up for a hell of a ride and some never-before revealed Silverwood backstory! This is very long but also mostly art-heavy so you can scroll through and just look at silly art through the years if you want.

2002-2003. Fresh off reading The Riddle of the Wren (by Charles de Lint) I came up with a story heavily inspired by it. The story featured a villain by the name of Ithian who was hunting the main character Sanne (who was like an angel or a fairy or something idk) via dreams. Differences being that Sanne came to Earth (I guess?) as a child and was adopted and her new brother was helping her fight Ithian and also they never left their own world. It wasn’t very exciting and I promptly forgot about it (excepting that ideas about magic and space and world-hopping from this book have continued to influence me to this day and are especially noticeable in Stringworlds, but that’s another story).

2004. My friends and I mostly being active on The Lion King Fanart Archive, and this also being the very brief period of time where I was interested in Harry Potter, we started a Harry Potter...thing. Not really an RP but. Anyway my character was an original named Hawkswind (I think I took this sort of naming idea from Mercedes Lackey but I’m not clear on the details) and she was a red wolf who was later turned into a purple lion by magic shenanigans. Two pictures courtesy of @devinsdesigns hopefully she doesn’t mind me putting them up.

2005 (probably). Hawkswind got resused in an actual Harry Potter RP, but this time as a human who’s real name was Rene and she was a French werewolf and also in hiding and probably a bunch of other embarrassing shit I’ve admitted to before but no longer remember truthfully (something about being an immortal princess? sounds about right but who the fuck knows). I don’t have any pictures of her like this but she looked like me.

Between 2005 and 2006. For the first time ever I will admit. Yes, Anthem’s original name was Ansem due to Kingdom Hearts. No, I had not played Kingdom Hearts at this time. But I did read a lot of KH fanfiction for some reason and there was one in particular that grabbed me and I used parts of it for the Original Silverwood Plotline which mostly featured Hawkswind as a chosen one who had failed to save the world and was now being held captive.

2006. By late 2006 I had renamed Anthem and the plot had really taken off. Hawkswind was still French, Anthem was British, she was still an unsuccessful chosen one who had basically been brainwashed into joining her former nemesis. She was a heartless, but by this point I was already calling them Harketein. 

Although Hawkswind was a lesbian (her girlfriend was Aidian) she and Anthem had several children and the story had shifted from the parents to the children, about one of whom there was a prophecy. (Keir and Kaite were the main children in question). Predictably for someone who loves mythology, Anthem’s response to this was to try and murder the children and so the struggle between him and Hawkswind shifted to a domestic one. Pics from this period.

(This is the first picture of Anthem I ever drew so you can see he’s pretty much remained the same from the get-go).

Also around this point Sonya and Aya were first introduced. They were vampires who were friends of Hawkswind.

2007. In early 2007 a short side-story about Keir and a magic mirror led to the creation of the Shenlai, and specifically the shenlai anaora, useless shadow servants who have haunted Anthem’s mansion ever since. They used to look like this.

Also around this point in time this story (then called Saga) met Purgatory, the LARP that @hakbot and I did every day after school like the nerds we are. It was all about gods and thus Hawkswind (now called Hawkie for short) became queen of hell and goddess of evil. Anthem was also in hell and kept breaking out so her main purpose was hunting him down and dragging him back. It also led to pictures like this.

This is where Tris was introduced! The queen of demons came into the story as an eternally cursed child already, and eventually other characters like her assistant Bird (a soul with no memories who therefore could not be placed) and demons like Bermuda were created to fill her court.

By late 2007 Hawkswind was already in love with Anthem, though she also hated him, and since he was capable of magically controlling her who knows how accurate that was.

Between 2006 and 2007 I was in a group story with some other writers and she was my character (obviously) and in late 2007 they officially killed Anthem off. It lasted a little while, but not super long because what would I do without him?

Art from this period also shows the first appearance of her scar, initially from Anthem ripping her heart out to turn her into a Harketein.

The story changes again to a game of chase with Hawkie fleeing from world to world and Anthem chasing her down. The kids are still present, but not as important. It’s around this time that I remember the original story of Ithian and Sanne, which had certain similarities. Sanne is scrapped, and Ithian enters the story as a rival for Anthem. By this point he wasn’t necessarily evil but he was certainly a deviant of a sort. Cross-dressing and also a very unhealthy one-sided obsession with his sister. One of those things has lasted to this day, the other has not (hint: it’s the incest).

Eventually Aidian was murdered and scrapped. I made Ithian Hawkie’s twin brother and lightened her hair slightly to match his. Wings also came into the picture, with varying levels of metaphorical depending on the day.

Ithian regains some of his dream-abilities and also he lives in the void between worlds where he was cast (coming back to Riddle of the Wren again). He pulled Hawkie in with him and it corrupts her. Aidian is actually Not Dead but she does sort of lose it when Hawkie turns evil because while they aren’t dating anymore, she still had feelings for her.

Another story change has Harketein as being allergic to iron, and one of the ways Hawkie protects herself from Anthem is by locking herself in iron shackles which is...a bad idea. In late 2007 she is gaining a lot of scars most, but not all, of which disappear in later versions.

In very late 2007 I take the story off of Earth, which it had been leaving for some time, and first start to design them different outfits with varying levels of...uh...interest. Anthem always wears a suit though because literally what else would he wear?

For the first time I’m calling her Ithea (yes, reverse engineered from Ithian because I’m a lazy piece of shit). For the first time she uses what would later become her pole-axe, and I gave her straight-up black hair.

2008. Sonya and Aya make a reappearance, though their personalities are shifting, with Sonya becoming ever more hopeless, though Aya has yet to obtain her status as Alpha Bitch. Aidian also makes another showing, this time as a dragon.

Around this time Ithea gains her pointed ears and aggressive, fight-happy personality. By mid-2008 she had her pole-axe well in hand, and I had names for the countries they were in - Tsime and Cylli, which have continued to exist in one form or another since then.

By August of this year, many things have become canon! Ithea’s “always smiling but will kill you” aesthetic happens. The first time her black-silver-and purple color scheme pops up, though it’s not set in stone yet. New costume design. The word Drezhein makes an appearance, and that’s what she is, and her shapeshifted form is wolf-like. Probably around this time Anthem became a Harkitein if he wasn’t already. Also her height is 5′5″ which it has been ever since. Her magic bracelets come in at this point too, as well as an unspecified illness making a return from an earlier version.

By the end of this year, the domestic situation is set in stone, as is the history of Harkitein being created to fight Drezhein (a failed experiment in the end). The illegality of making Harkitein, as well as Anthem murdering the wizard who created him, are evident. The anaora are still around and some of them have names (they’re still useless though).

Shortly after this, some of them gain human forms due to messing with Anthem’s magic and they just annoy the shit out of him all the time. Anthem’s role of “sort of evil but mostly just long-suffering” is here to stay.

2009. The children reappear, and also another very important character is created: Cranberries! Here is Kaite, Ro, and Cranberries in their designs at this time.

And here’s a really terrible family portrait.

At this point in time Keir is still a girl. I’m not entirely sure when Keir went from being a girl to being a boy but that did happen at some point. Oh well.

Sonya and Aya get a redesign and appropriate fantasy names. By this point new personalities for them are set in stone. Sonya is Ithea’s friend while Aya is Anthem’s, and their relationship is...less than stellar. They’re not vampires anymore but Vekain, another magical race in this world who have their own political shit going on (but we ignore it because Sonya is exiled anyway).

Important to mention but closing in on the year Kaite became the butch lesbian we all know and love, and certain aspects of her, Cyan, and Gavin’s future career in organized crime become assured.

The anaora are still around and becoming more catlike.

And at the very close of the year, Tris and Bird officially make a new appearance! Away from Purgatory, Tris is a cursed child empress and instead of being demons her people are the Daemir. Bird is still a memory-less stranger who washed up on the beach and quickly proved invaluable. With her came her husband Bermuda.

2010. The most important picture I’ve ever drawn is created.

Additional information is created about the gods and the history of the world and the creation of its various peoples.

Around this time the long-lasting political turmoil of what Ithea, Anthem, and Ithian did becomes more fully explored. The great-grandchildren are created and the story becomes intensely political in nature.

2011-2014. Around this time I took a long break. I had written the story down for NaNoWriMo and mostly considered it finished. I still played with the story a bit, but I was trying hard to focus on publishable things and so I didn’t really mess with it much except for dumb posts on Tumblr. Some art from that time.

2015-Present. By 2015 the story was officially called Silverwood and I was back in my obsession with it, which I’ve never left. Exciting things happened, mostly in the realm of costume and character design.

Inside and outside of tumblr shitposts I have continued to deepen the story in the cast, the world-building and design, the politics, and the personal relationships between the characters. Will it ever be done? Probably not. But at least I enjoy it. Thanks for reading, take some more art!

[haikujitsu]

THE SHADE IN SHANNON'S HOUSE. WHAT THE FUCK. Does being on the thermos for so Iong affect VIad's mind? WiII Shannon ever find out about the shade? Do Shannon and Danny stiII hang out afterwards? Does Shannon ask for ghost stories from Danny? WiII Danny's Doctor continue studying paranaturaI stuff after Danny? What was your favorite SOAD scene to write? which scene was the hardest? What wiII Danny go on to study, how often does he get to see Shannon and the gang?

Hokay, where to start…

Favorite Scene to Write

Oh, gosh. This is hard because it’s such a flippin’ long story and I wrote it over such a long span of time. I think… hmmm.

I really loved writing the Jack and Danny reunion near the end. Jack was one of those characters I didn’t like much initially, but he grew on me as the years passed and now honestly he’s one of my favorites. Being able to bring Danny home and letting them hug it out just felt so satisfying and cathartic.

I also enjoyed writing Mrs. Foley because she’s so wholesome and such a good influence on literally everyone. The Spectra cameo was also neat since she’s one of my favorite ghosts and bringing her into a psychological drama seemed fitting. Also that action scene where Maddie steals a ghost bike and rides it home? Super fun to write.

Hardest Scene to Write

Easily Maddie and Danny’s confrontation at Shannon’s (which in the end was split over Ch. 59/60). It needed to be a balance of getting it all out in the open, acknowledging the truly devastating nature of what Maddie had done, and yet allowing room for empathy and understanding and forgiveness.

It’s incredibly hard to make that choice to face your own pain and accept someone’s repentence– and incredibly powerful to see it happen. I did my best to bring the characters to a point where they were capable of that reunion. I spent weeks reworking and tearing up and reassembling the dialogue to make it feel real and hit alll those notes of anger and grief and loss and love in a way that felt sincere. It didn’t ring true for everyone, but I did what I could.

Vlad

Yes, it seriously affects Vlad’s psychological health, not to mention brain function. More on this in another ask!

Shannon

Being able to fly upwards of 100 mph makes it surprisingly easy to maintain a friendship across state lines. Danny’s a little shy about visiting at first, but Shannon is so matter of fact about it that they end up having monster movie and spaghetti nights once or twice a month.

Shannon mostly leaves the ghost topic alone because she senses that Danny wants to get away from ghost talk– but when he brings it up she always settles in for a crazy story. Once you leave the borders of Amity Park even the existence of ghosts feels more and more unbelievable… but Danny sitting at the table (or sometimes floating above it) is a constant reminder of the strangeness of the world.

He has to learn to be careful about the superpowers though, since there’s invariably someone staying in one of Shannon’s spare rooms. In a year or so she decides to become an official foster mom and the kids she takes in get a lot younger (grade school and teens). Danny develops a reputation as someone who doesn’t care how dark your problems get; he can also make bullies mysteriously lose interest and is pretty good at video games too. Danny finds out he likes being the big brother for a change.

Shannon’s place becomes a sort of safety zone for Danny. When he has a bad day, when he needs a break from ghost hunting, when he has a problem that he can’t talk out with his friends, when his parents cross a line and he needs some space. Shannon starts keeping Todd’s room reserved for his visits, which, depending on the reason, can last for a few days.

The Shade

Recap for those who don’t remember: There’s a shade (powerless proto-ghost with minimal self-awareness, only visible to humans with spectral abilities) that haunts Shannon’s house, and it’s heavily implied that this is Shannon’s long-lost younger brother, Todd. Danny, Gabe and Harley are aware of its presence but Shannon is not.

Shannon still hopes that her brother is alive, so at first Danny doesn’t tell her. But sooner or later it gets to him– maybe talking with Jazz and realizing how heart-wrenching that uncertainty is, maybe Shannon reminiscing about Todd, maybe just visiting and seeing the shade drifting around in perpetual purgatory.

He tells her. That’s a whole heart-wrenching conversation as you can imagine, but in the end Shannon believes him and accepts that Todd is dead. That’s not enough for Danny, who can see the shade literally inches from Shannon even as they talk about him. Danny wants to reunite them somehow.

So he goes to his parents. Which, by the bye, is a huge step because Danny’s still super uncomfortable with them in their role as ghost hunters/scientists. Maddie and Jack realize that and they handle this as delicately as they know how. Which is…not very delicately, but they try.

They know that if they just present raw ectoplasm to the shade that it would manifest in a seeable, sentient form. But it’s dangerous because the sentience and visibility that ectoplasm provides comes at a price– it typically enhances aggression, self-fascination and obsessiveness to the point where the ghost becomes a simplified charicature of his former self.

If Todd were to become a ghost like Ember or Technus, he might not even remember Shannon at all and would very likely be a threat to humans.

Danny, as usual, turns out to be the key. Because the ectoplasm used in creating the portal was so carefully purified, he escaped the worst of the ectoplasmic side effects. The Fentons theorize that if they create a controlled environment where they can slowly introduce purified and denatured ectoplasm, they can give the shade a physical form and encourage sentience without causing insanity and aggression.

With Shannon’s permission they rig up the living room with equipment and are able to trap Todd’s shade and try out their theory. He manifests successfully. Whether they can only sustain it for a few minutes or it’s a lasting solution, I don’t know. But at the very least they see each other, and Shannon can say goodbye.

Dr. Wagner

I feel like ectoscience is one of those things where, once you’re aware of it, you can’t just… stop being involved. It’s too niche, too bizarre, and too interesting.

Especially since Dr. Wagner is now one of three medical professionals (four if we’re counting Dr. Kerza) aware of the existence of ghost/human hybrids, period. He’s one of the few people informed enough to competently treat Danny, Valerie, and anyone else like them.

So yes, getting involved with Danny forever changes Dr. Wagner’s life. After his residency is up, he moves to Amity Park and gets a job under Dr. Stein–that’s Danny’s original doctor from his first hospital stay post-PoT; he was brought into the loop about the halfa thing at Dr. Wagner’s insistence.

The two doctors trade off patching Danny up on the occasions where he needs serious medical attention, and in the meantime work together to create legitimate scientific studies pertaining to ectoplasm and its interactions with human physiology. As the epicenter of ectocontaminated injuries, Amity Park General Hospital is the ideal place to conduct this research.

Most of the existing data has been collected by either the GIW (which rarely publicizes its findings) or scientists in non-medical fields with varying levels of scientific integrity, so this turns out to be an excellent way for a young, hardworking doctor to make a name for himself.

He also dates a certain redheaded psychology grad student for a while, but nothing comes of it… except a very awkward few months of ecto-charged glares from his primary patient.

Danny’s Studies

Danny does eke his way into community college with the help of some online classes and Jazz’s tutoring. No one can figure out why his new campus has a sudden spike in ghost activity, though the Fentons make a public statement with some handwavey ‘spectral wave pattern fluctuations’ explanation.

I’m honestly not sure what he’d end up majoring in… I do feel that he’d change majors at least once before he settled into something he liked. His academic performance is directly linked to the level of ghost crisis in Amity Park–though he’s gotten much better at sharing responsibility with Valerie and his parents.

He’d probably go in with an interest in Engineering, Applied Science, and Astrophysics despite his bad math grades–which, let’s be honest, are probably a direct result of his ghost hunting and not a lack of intelligence. I think he’d surprise himself by doing really well in Sociology and Anthropology-related courses. Nothing like being thrown into a bizarre xenoculture made of a mishmash of human history to prepare you for higher education, ey?

[ecsundance]

A very Long (yet very awesome) Week of Sundance

Organisers of Sundance say in Tryon’s discussion that “If a filmmaker wants to create his or her own idiosyncratic vision, it’s often not worth looking around for a big budget, waiting for others to say it’s okay to make it.  You have to stand up and make the film yourself…” (pg.164) and Kevin MacDonald in Tryon’s discussion talks about how basically all you need to make a movie is a laptop and a video camera, and how amazing it is that we live in a time which we can do this (pg.156)

This is similar to the idea that you can complain about not having enough time or experience to do something, but if you get over yourself and do it either you fail and learn, or you succeed and gain confidence.  If you have a great idea then nothing should hold you back from making it a reality.  Movies with billions of dollars behind them have fallen flat.  So it stands to reason that a movie made on weekends with only a couple bucks could be amazing.

According to Chuck Tryon’s discussion of “Reinvented Festivals” (pg. 160), because there are a lot more independent bloggers/critics now due to newspapers not hiring many, there is a consistent stream of new reviews being released even minutes after a film finishes premiering.  

Taking part in this class and festival and constantly thinking about what I thought about a film plays into this as I (along with my classmates) were some of the first to review some of these films.  It’s such a fun experience to think and talk about film as everyone will have various ways of perceiving and connecting to each film.

Favourite Film From the Festival

It feels hard to choose a favourite because there were so many incredible films which affected me in different ways like Coda, How it Ends, Flee, and honestly most of the films I saw in this year's festival . However, I fell in love with The World to Come when it wasn’t even a movie I initially planned on seeing.

The world to come felt like a poem. It made my heart ache deeply, marinating in feelings of melancholic love, and unexpected loss. Maybe it hit me especially hard because I lost one of the most amazing people I’ve ever had in my life along with family and pets (since they are family too) since the start of Covid: I have regrets and things I never got to say.  Maybe it’s because I’m fiercely fighting with my own identities right now.  Either way, it was hard to watch.  Parts of it still haunt me and still leave me breathless on the brink of tears.  It struck a chord in me which I have a hard time fully putting to words.  I didn’t originally even want to watch this film, it somehow ended up on my list of on demand films, and my mom convinced me to watch it (and I’m so glad she did).

It is a story which about two women which takes place in the 1800s, together in their loneliness who fall for each other behind their husbands’ backs.  They secretly rendezvous in the forest and tucked away corners of their homes when their husband’s are working.  It is beautiful in story and dialogue; it doesn’t get stale.  It feels modern somehow, though it is set in the 19th century, and I’m still processing it all to figure out why exactly.

Least Favorite Film from the Festival...

Eight for Silver by Sean Ellis wasn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen, but it was certainly not the best;  I would not actively choose to watch this again.  It had interesting concepts such as only natural lighting being used throughout the film and those turned into the werewolf emerging, negatively changed, from the dead animal.  The movie would have gotten 4 stars rather than 3 from me simply by not having a CGI werewolf (unless it was so brilliantly terrifying and amazing it had to be shown) and by keeping the original plot of the Roma’s spells/curses (fueled from the massacre which the targeted village caused).  The scarecrow and buried teeth, and the strange dreams which followed were such a great piece, but they just fell away more and more.  The addition of the religious text (which mentions 30 pieces of silver is unnecessary, and just recycles old vampire movies/myth ) took this film from a great timepiece and cheapened it in combination with the subpar CGI creature, while also making it feel far too Hollywood in a bad way.  Again, some of the ideas, like the person within the wolf were great, but they could have kept it that way and not shown the monster otherwise.  

A list of All Feature Films I Saw:

During the 2021 Sundance film festival I have seen and rated the following:

Coda ***** Sian Heder

The story of a teenage hearing girl who wants to be a singer living with her otherwise deaf family who run a fishing boat.

Cryptozoo **** Dash Shaw

A woman’s attempt to protect mythical creatures in a world where everyone wants to harm them or use them as weapons.

Misha and the wolves ***** Sam Hobkinson

A chilling documentary about holocaust tale with a twist.

Users **** Natalia Amada

A mother’s view of the world, global warming, technology, her children and the relationship between all of this. 

Prisoners of Ghostland **** Sion Sono

Samurai meets the gunslinger Western World in this colourful action-horror (featuring Nicholas Cage). 

Censor **** Prano Bailey-Bond

The story of a woman whose sister disappeared as a child and how her job as a horror film censor helps her uncover the truth.

How it ends ***** Daryl Wein, Zoe Lister-Jones

A walk through the last day on Earth with a woman and her younger self as they make peace with their lives, relationships with others, and their own inner selves.

Strawberry Mansion ***** Dan Deacon

A dreamy/nightmarish surreal tale of a dream tax collector as he falls in love with the younger version of his client.

Cusp ***** Isabel Bethencourt, Parker Hill

A documentary on the lives of teen girls in Texas which delves into rape culture, poverty, and what it’s like to be a young woman.  

Eight for Silver *** Sean Ellis

Werewolf lore set in the 19th century. 

John and the Hole **** Pascual Sisto

A young teenage boy puts his family in a hole in the woods as he tries to deal with the stressors of being a kid and what adulthood holds, entwined with fable. 

R#J ***** Carey Williams 

A modern retelling of Shakespear’s Romeo and Juliet through the age of social media, with a twist or two.

Coming Home in the Dark ***** James Ashcroft

A horror story of  a family who are abducted by two strangers who they later learn they share a deeper, darker history with. 

We’re All Going to The World’s Fair **** Jane Schoenbrun

A showing of loneliness and desperation through an online roleplaying game and it’s after effects.

First Date **** Manuel Crosby, Darren Knapp

A story of a first date gone VERY wrong.

The World to Come ***** Mona Fastvold

A 19th century story of the growing connection between two farmhouse wives.

Violation ***** Madeleine Sims-Fewer, Dusty Mancinelli

A film about a woman’s trauma and how she… Deals with it.

Marvelous and the Black Hole ***** Kate Tsang

A story about how a young teen girl gets through the loss of her mother through forming a connection with a local magician.

The Blazing World ***** Carlson Young 

A traumatised young woman tries to bring her sister back from “the other side” but must really fight her own inner demons.

Mayday ***** Karen Cinorre

A story of a young woman overcoming trauma and fighting back against the man in a dreamlike state.

Night of the Kings **** Philippe Lacote 

A new storyteller is anointed in a prison run by its inmates and he must keep telling these stories until the moon sets to stay alive. (It helps to understand the specific culture more with this one, otherwise it sort of goes over your head.)

Life in a Day 2021 ***** Kavin Macdonald

A grounding compilation of scenes from across the world on the same day, July 25th, with scenes one after the other which either connect or contrasted in an impactful way.

Flee ***** Jonas Poher Rasmussen

A biography told through animation of a young gay immigrant. 

Short Films

Bj’s Mobile Gift Shop- Jason Park

A story of a young guy in Chicago who makes money to support himself and his grandparents by running a mobile gift shop out of a large suitcase.

Flex - Josefin Malmen, David Strindberg

A visual telling of a bodybuilder rubber-banding between insecurity and self obsession through surreal imagery and dialogue. 

The Affected- Rikke Gregersen

A retelling of a college student preventing the deportation of a man back to Afghanistan through the interactions of the bystanders.  

You Wouldn’t Understand- Trish Harnetiaux

A time-warp involving a picnic, a strange character looking for “horsey sauce” and a grocery store clerk armed with a food scanner.

Animations

Ghost Dogs- Joe Cappa 

A family's new dog is “haunted” by the family’s many deceased dogs in squishy colourful 90s/early 2000s style animated short. 

GNT- Sara Hirner, Rosemary Vasquez-Brown 

A woman obsessed with social media tries to make yeast infections popular.

Trepanation- Nick Flaherty

A showing of depression through a disturbing hole ridden entity emerging from a hole and taking the place of the house's owner. 

Little Miss Fate- Joder Von Rotz

A cleaning bird interrupts the fate of a couple going out on a date, leading to disastrous consequences.

Indie Series

I had really wanted to see Seeds of Deceit by Miriam Guttman and Would you Rather by Lise Akoka, (I tried viewing 4 Feet High by María Belén Poncio and Rosario Perazolo Masjoan but there was an issue which Sundance staff never got back to me about, sadly) but I ran out of time.  

However, I did see These Days by Adam Brookes which takes place in New York City during Covid, showing a young woman living alone and how she survives living alone and being unable to work as a dancer.  

New Frontier Experiences

Sadly, I kept thinking I’d have endless time.  I did not engage in the New Frontier experience except for in class on one occasion.  I think it was a great idea and fantastic opportunity and I regret not planning my time better for this specifically.

Talks or Events 

Ignite x Adobe featured shorts films from artists aged 18 to 25 and was very inspiring since I’m in the age range of these artists. 

A few I especially enjoyed were Vigincita, Personals, and Joychild (Although I honestly enjoyed the whole compilation).

Virgincita - A sexual coming of age/ look at mother daughter relationship mixed with religion.

Personals - A sexual encounter between two insecure individuals who find comfort with one another by the end.

Joychild - A documentary piece showing a child discovering and opening up about their gender identity. 

Q&As

I attended a few Q&As, but my favourite I believe was CODA’s.

They spoke about how they worked around language barriers and learned sign language before and throughout production.  Everyone just seemed at ease and like they had a great time in production of the film.

- - -

Overall, I’m quite pleased with how this festival went virtually.  It was a truly amazing experience which I am so glad I was able to take part in.  It was as Immersive an experience as I think could be created virtually and seemed to go relatively smoothly for the most part for having it be the first time this has happened.  

I’m also extremely grateful for the inclusivity which allowed for those who may not be able to travel as easily due to disability, financial reasons, or anything else.  I don’t know if I’d have been able to go otherwise.  

This experience was more amazing than I even hoped it would be.  I feel so inspired that I plan to find out how to submit to Sundance so that I can possibly try to get a short film idea I have done for the short film/18-25 year old category.  I feel like I can actually do this now and I have so many new ideas. 

Thank you!

Tryon, Chuck,

On-Demand Culture: Digital Delivery and the Future of Movies

,  Rutgers University Press, Copyright © 2013.

Mae McCloskey

[nitrateglow]

Favorite film discoveries of 2017

Most represented year: 1967 with three movies

Most represented director(s): GW Pabst and Yevgeni Bauer tie with two movies apiece

While I didn’t get to watch as many new movies (feature-length and shorts) as I did in 2016 (slightly over 200 as compared to slightly over 400), it was certainly a case of quality over quantity.

Wait Until Dark (dir. Terence Young, 1967)

I am so glad I followed a whim and watched Wait Until Dark when it aired fairly late on Turner Classic Movies on a weekday night in June; I was tired all morning at work the next day, but it was so worth it. This underrated movie made me jump twice, and scared the crap out of me in ways more explicit horror movies and thrillers have failed to do. Often praised for how it builds suspense, particularly in its final twenty minutes, this movie also sports great performances from Audrey Hepburn as the determined heroine caught in a deadly game and Alan Arkin as the sadistic thug preying upon her, as well as a deft illustration of the art of set-up and pay-off. Hepburn’s performance is among the best of her career: not only is she convincing as a blind woman, she’s emotionally vulnerable yet badass and smart, very much like a Miyazaki heroine. More than merely a story of a woman surviving a dangerous situation with a visual impairment, it’s a story about a woman learning her disability need not define her or limit her independence. I’ve re-watched Wait Until Dark close to ten times in the past six months; it is remarkable how the tension and sinister atmosphere continue to hold up, especially when the most horrifying things are only threatened, implied, or committed offscreen. It’s easily a new favorite of mine.

(Read my longer review here.)

Martin (dir. George Romero, 1978)

The late George Romero once claimed he considered Martin the best of his movies because it was the least compromised by outside meddling. A satirical and revisionist take on the vampire myth that doubles as a character study of a lonely man, Martin is largely unsung in the history of horror, which is a big shock to me. Though Night of the Living Dead is more influential and iconic, I think Martin is the better movie; at the very least, it is the more mature movie of these two great classics, made by a filmmaker more assured in his own storytelling. John Amplas is amazing as the socially awkward vampire who tries to reconcile his bloodlust with his desire to find true human connections. It takes a special talent to make a character who does some truly heinous things sympathetic and even lovable, but Amplas does it and makes such a feat seem effortless. The home invasion sequence in the middle of the movie is worth the price of admission alone; it scared the hell out of me, that’s for certain! Martin surely deserves a solid home video release—dare I say the Criterion Collection should pick it up for distribution? It merits more than the minor and very sporadic releases it’s had over the years, and it certainly deserves a bigger audience.

(Read my longer review here.)

The 3-Penny Opera (dir. GW Pabst, 1931)

The 3-Penny Opera could easily compete with Pennies from Heaven for Most Cynical Movie Musical. Pabst’s adaptation of the Brecht stage production is at once entertaining and kind of depressing. Its criminal protagonists run the gamut from being charming rogues to downright vicious murderers. Their London underworld is decidedly expressionistic, coated in grime and cast in dramatic shadows, yet there is nothing romantic about any of it: this is a nasty world with nasty people inhabiting it. Nevertheless, these unsavory criminals are witty and human, and the film remains one of the most vibrant of the early talkie era.

Day of Wrath (dir. Carl Th. Dreyer, 1943)

I didn’t fully understand this movie, but it touched something deep within me. The story takes place in the somber world of 17th century Denmark, where a pastor’s much-younger wife falls in love with her stepson and embraces the darker side of her nature. The acting is passionate and the slow-burn pacing does well to add to the tension and paranoia. Dreyer’s heroine Anne (played with a quiet and at times sensual intensity by Lisbeth Movin) is a marvelous character, dynamic and bewitching (no pun intended). Initially, we think she is an ingenue, but as she becomes aware of her powers, she becomes more open and independent in a society where these qualities mark her for trouble. Unlike the titular character of Dreyer’s more famous The Passion of Joan of Arc, I’m not sure if Anne ever gets any kind of grace or peace. The film is enigmatic and unforgettable, and now I’m itching to rent it from my local library once again.

After Death (dir. Yevgeni Bauer, 1915)

I don’t want to say After Death is cinema’s first great ghost story because claiming anything to be a “first” when it comes to movies is a dangerous pastime, but regardless, it’s one great ghost story. It tells the story of a young man who becomes obsessed with a deceased stage actress. Having rejected her love when she was alive, he falls madly in love with an idealized notion of who she was once she kills herself. He is haunted by her image (or rather, the image of her as a virtuous, devoted maiden more in tune with Victorian ideals of womanhood than the modern, elusive character she actually appeared to be) and this torments him into madness. Psychologically complex, After Death says much about the line between delusion and love, and its characters are hardly simplistic archetypes of melodrama. The actress’s motivations for her suicide are not clear-cut and her posthumous admirer is a man in love with an idea more than he is with a woman. Cinematically, After Death is hardly primitive either: its use of long-shot, camera movement, and mise-en-scene feel quite modern.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (dir. James Gunn, 2017)

If you told me I would be excited for any new Marvel movies earlier this year, I would have laughed. I’ve never hated the MCU, but I’ve never been compelled by what I’ve seen either, at least not to the degree other people seem to be. However, seeing the Guardians of the Galaxy sequel in May changed my outlook entirely. I don’t care what the critics have to say: this movie is way superior to the original movie from 2014. The visuals are more interesting, the old-school pop music is more creatively woven into the narrative, and the story takes these characters into darker, more emotional territory. My sister and I went back to the theater to see it four times. I’ve NEVER seen a single movie that often in the cinema—I never imagined I’d do so for a Marvel film. After having seen and loved Thor: Ragnarok as well, I’m actually excited for Infinity War. That’s crazy to me, but it goes to show how our tastes can expand in surprising ways over time.

The Young Girls of Rochefort (dir. Jacques Demy, 1967)

Despite the candy color palettes and fairy tale motifs of his oeuvre, most viewers would probably not classify Jacques Demy as a feel-good filmmaker. His films are often about the bittersweet in life: disappointments and disillusionment abound even in a straightforward fantasy like his adaptation of Donkey Skin. However, The Young Girls of Rochefort is an anomaly in this respect, a musical comedy in which all past disappointments are mended and true love wins the day. Complete with catchy musical numbers and outstanding choreography, this is just one of those movies that has me grinning from ear to ear. The only other movie musical which has a similar effect on me is Singin’ in the Rain and I would absolutely claim this film to be that classic’s equal. About the only sour note in the film is the knowledge that one of its stars, the charming Francoise Dorleac, would be killed before her time in a car crash shortly after filming. Seeing her here, so alive and charismatic, makes one mourn for the career that never got the chance to flower, but at least we have this marvelous tribute to the classic Hollywood musical and her other work.

The Hitch-Hiker (dir. Ida Lupino, 1953)

The Hitch-Hiker is a bold, underrated noir suspense-thriller that attacks Hollywood-style masculinity in bold ways. Two men are held hostage by a psychopathic hitch-hiker they picked up during a brief fishing trip. Making it clear he’s going to kill them eventually, these guys try to find a way to escape without getting a bullet between the eyes. This movie plays the scenario without macho heroics: the hostages are ordinary men who are terrified for their lives. Instead of making them out to be cowards, Lupino goes against our expectations of what “real men” are like by showing how these men-in-distress rather realistically interact with a total maniac, played to chilling perfection by William Talman. Nightmarish and tightly written, I highly recommend this to all film noir aficionados, as well as people who think all Old Hollywood movies upheld conventional views of gender behavior.

Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (dir. Stanley Kubrick, 1964)

After my viewing of Dr. Strangelove, I finally saw all of Kubrick’s filmography, from his 1950s shorts to Eyes Wide Shut, and yet I was not sad because one of Kubrick’s greatest strengths is that his films are endlessly rewatchable. Dr. Strangelove is certainly that. You would think a political satire so closely tied to the culture and politics of the decade in which it was made would date despite its great performances and stellar cinematography. But no. If anything, this movie has become relevant yet again in the light of recent world events. It hasn’t dated in the slightest, which both delights and terrifies me.

The In-Laws (dir. Arthur Hiller, 1979)

I rarely belly laugh when watching comedies by myself. It doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying myself, but I usually need to be watching funny movies with other people in order to really have my sides split. The In-Laws proved itself a rare exception to that trend: I laughed loud and hard twice, at one point even ending up on the floor, finding it hard to breathe. And even when I wasn’t reacting that extremely, I did chuckle often and enjoy myself very much. Peter Falk and Alan Arkin make a great comedy team, playing off of one another perfectly. The story is INSANE in the best possible way and I don’t dare spoil its bizarre twists in case you’ve never seen it. It feels like a 1930s screwball comedy transplanted to the 1970s and mixed with a buddy-action film—and even that trite description doesn’t do the quirkiness justice.

Only Yesterday (dir. Isao Takahata, 1991)

While Grave of the Fireflies is Takahata’s most well-known film, I argue Only Yesterday is his masterpiece. Often coming across like a cross between Ozu and Bergman, this is a coming-of-age story like no other. It follows a twenty-something woman at a crossroads in her life as she both reflects on her childhood in the 1960s and wonders about what path to take in the future. I saw parts of this movie as a teenager and could never get into it, but now watching it in its entirety as a twenty-something woman at a crossroads in her life, I relate hardcore. This movie is so perfect in capturing the uncertainty of being a young person still undecided about what they want their future to be: do you follow a traditional path? Do you try to make your parents happy? Do you follow a more unconventional path and risk crashing-and-burning? If you needed an antidote to the idea that animation is only for family comedies or shock value “adult” satire, then watch Ozu’s masterpiece.

Excalibur (dir. John Boorman, 1981)

People tend to love or loathe Excalibur, but I found myself loving it quite a lot. The 1980s was a golden age for cinematic fantasy and this strange movie is one of the best of the decade, if not the best film interpretation of the Mallory’s Le Morte Darthur. For those who demand realistic dialogue and psychological nuance, this is not your movie; it has a mythic feel which means it foregoes realism for larger-than-life characters and symbolic episodes. Visually, this movie is gorgeous and Trevor Jones’s soundtrack, which samples Wagner, gives epic weight to the images.

Yojimbo (dir. Akira Kurosawa, 1961)

Oh man, Yojimbo is badass. This movie may not be Kurosawa’s “deepest” or “most artistic” movie, but it ties with The Hidden Fortress as his most entertaining. It’s got everything: dark comedy, great swordfights, an anti-hero who’s both coarse yet ultimately compassionate, menacing villains, a catchy soundtrack, and one of the best final lines in any movie ever. I haven’t seen A Fistful of Dollars, though I do have to wonder how it could match this excellent work.

Branded to Kill (dir. Sejuin Suzuki, 1967)

Don’t ask me if I understood it, because I don’t think I did and I’ve seen it twice. Branded to Kill is best described as film noir meets a very bad acid trip. Regardless, even if you don’t get 100 percent of what the hell you’re watching, this is still a great piece of pop art. I’ve read that it’s best to view this movie as a kind of commentary on noir itself, though I don’t know if it’s aim is to subvert, parody, or deconstruct noir conventions and archetypes. Probably a little bit of the three.

Vagabond (dir. Agnes Varda, 1985)

Agnes Varda’s Vagabond follows a young homeless woman named Mona. A la Citizen Kane, the movie starts with her being found dead in a ditch and then the rest of the movie is told from the perspectives of various people who encountered her in her last days. One thing that sticks out most to me about this movie is how Mona is not glamorized or sexed up; she is a plain, dirty drifter, no make-up. She is also remarkably enigmatic; we see her through the eyes of those who either pity her for her loneliness, shrink from her coarseness, or seek to exploit her for money or sex, but neither the audience nor the other characters are allowed to learn who she truly is. It’s a fascinating work from one of our best living directors, stark in its images and its themes.

The Diary of a Lost Girl (dir. GW Pabst, 1929)

While this movie is often overshadowed by Pandora’s Box, I think I prefer The Diary of a Lost Girl, if only because it has better pacing (though don’t get me wrong: PB is damn excellent). Louise Brooks is, as always, amazing, one of the most subtle and expressive of silent cinema’s actresses. The movie follows Thymian, a young girl’s persecution after she is raped and impregnated by one of her father’s employees: branded a whore by a society that blames the victim, she is sent away to a brutal reform school and is eventually forced into actual prostitution. The film is melodramatic, yet never crude or simplistic, especially in regards to Thymian’s unkind stepmother, who is revealed to be more complex than she appears. Unlike the tragic PB, Diary is more humanistic and hopeful, urging the audience to be more compassionate. And even in 2017, this little melodrama still moves and inspires.

Things to Come (dir. William Cameron Menzies, 1936)

I had never heard of this film until recently and after having seen it, I wonder why. A Trip to the Moon and Metropolis are often cited as influential early science-fiction movies, and I argue that Things to Come absolutely deserves to be as well-known, for its predictions about the future are often alarming in their accuracy. In addition to covering the topics of another world war and space travel, it also sports a sort of proto-post-apocalyptic flair in the 1960s and 1970s sequences, where a zombie-like plague ravages the landscape and people live in tribes among the ruins of civilization. Visually, the film is a feast, sporting an art deco twenty-first century and pretty nifty special effects.

The Twilight of a Woman’s Soul (dir. Yevgeni Bauer, 1913)

Who said all silent film heroines were helpless damsels again? Or that all silent melodramas uphold conventional Victorian/Edwardian ideas about gender? The Twilight of a Woman’s Soul must have seemed socially bold back in 1913: it features a woman who, after being raped by a stranger and subsequently deemed unworthy of her fiancée’s respectable hand in marriage, does not go into exile or die conveniently. Instead, she finds healing and pursues her dreams of a theatrical career—never once looking back or feeling less like a woman for not marrying! Thoughtful performances and lovely composition make this film a great showcase for how sophisticated early movies could be, both artistically and culturally.

Feel My Pulse (dir. Gregory La Cava, 1928)

Nothing groundbreaking, but this movie is a thoroughly enjoyable comedy with a clever, resourceful female protagonist, which is very much my thing, especially when it challenges the tiresome stereotype that all silent film heroines were passive damsels. While there is one gag routine featuring booze and a song that goes on a little too long, the rest of the movie moves along swiftly. Bebe Daniels is funny and charming as the hypochondriac heiress who isn’t as over her head as the other character think. A pre-stardom William Powell plays the scummy villain and has a lot of fun doing it. Richard Arlen dresses exactly like Indiana Jones.

This Sporting Life (dir. Lindsay Anderson, 1963)

Lindsay Anderson is quickly becoming one of my new faves, if only because his films have such diverse atmospheres: there’s the youthful rebellion of If…. and the surreal cynicism of O Lucky Man!, and then there’s the more starkly realistic This Sporting Life, starring Richard Harris as a lonely rugby player exploited by the upper classes and yearning for something meaningful in life. He’s a brute in many ways, aggressively pursuing his widowed landlady (played to heart-breaking perfection by Rachel Roberts) in rather uncomfortable ways. Though put off by his rude manners, she is drawn to Harris’s athlete and the two engage in an affair that proves tragic. The film is a bit overlong and if you haven’t seen an Anderson film before, the two I previously mentioned are likely better introductions to his work, but the intensity of the performances and the ways in which Anderson and his collaborators explore class struggle make this riveting viewing.

Honorable mentions: Catch-22 (1970), The Producers (1968), Thor: Ragnarok (2017), Blade Runner (1982), Let Me Dream Again (1900), The Heart is a Lonely Hunter (1968), Blade Runner 2049 (2017), Baby Driver (2017), The Little Match-Seller (1902), The Sands of Dee (1912), Robocop (1987), Regeneration (1915), Daydreams (1915), The White Sister (1923), David Copperfield (1935), The Man Who Knew Too Much (1934), The 39 Steps (1935), The Informer (1935), Fury (1936), The Road Warrior (1981), Super (2010), Slither (2006), The Lodger (1944), Bedlam (1946), Raw Deal (1948), Moulin Rouge (1952), Moulin Rouge! (2001), Cliffhanger (1993), Eraserhead (1977), A Touch of Zen (1971), Late Spring (1949), Harold and Maude (1971), Night of the Living Dead (1968), How to Steal a Million (1966), Ruka (1965), Three Outlaw Samurai (1964), Paris When it Sizzles (1964), The Haunting (1963), Experiment in Terror (1962), The Brides of Dracula (1960), Bigger than Life (1958), Napoleon Dynamite (2004)

What were your favorite film discoveries in 2017?

[maevelin]

I have no objections with people liking Nesta but I don't understand why people would ever want Cassian to get with a woman like Nesta. He deserves someone better than anyone that is set on demeaning him. He is lighthearted and a good person. He deserves better.

Sigh…you got me in quite a mood dear anon so deep breath and rant ahead.

You have been warned.

So...I never understood the concept of love being a reward for someone’s ‘good’ form, character or behavior. And I am not even going to get into the whole glamorization of love as an emotion and the concept that is something solely good and pure and only ‘good’ people and certain ‘characters’ and ‘snowflakes’ experience it or should experience it.

I will stand on something different though.

People are not objects and trophies and prizes that one should get for being good and for deserving ‘better’ (and BTW, I will get to that too in a while).

Relationships are not about deserving and about perfection and about what works on paper. Relationships can come in many forms and bonds and it is about people that find something in someone else and then they work through their shit (and in this case both Nesta and Cassian have a lot shit to work through) because they care enough to make their relationship work. Because you get to fall in love for many reasons and you get to love the flaws and the imperfections. You get to like a person because you are attracted to them for whatever reason logical or illogical. Because they intrigue you. Because of lust or intense emotion. Because they take you by surprise. Because romance usually is about personal conflict and growth and collision. Because in fiction this brings drama and it is interesting for many people especially when it includes complicated characters with many layers and depth that help each other’s characterization progress and development in many ways.

But hey. I get not liking a character or a ship. It is your prerogative. You might not like the chemistry of two characters. You might not get it. You might be allergic to it. You might not care for it. You might not understand it. You might hate it. You might not be able to tolerate the story or a character or a concept. It is your right. I am not here to dictate to you what to like and what not to like. Something is not your cup or tea and your personal taste is different from that of another person. Different strokes for different folks and all that.

But here you are in my ask box. I get not liking a ship but why would you come to the blog of someone that likes it with such comments? What do you gain? Stick to your lane and ship and let others ship.

Also…seriously…I am in awe.

You are here to tell me that the half a millennia winged Illyrian Fae warrior who is basically a LORD OF FREAKING WAR that is leaving mountains of corpses in the battlefields and has been shedding blood for centuries is not deserving of a 20-22 year old woman with limited experience that she is just start beginning to understand what life is after leading a very restricted and limited one. This is what you are telling me right? That the man that brings horror and is capable and able to bring nations to their knees and is known by the freaking Bone Carver as the Lord of Bloodshed is not deserving of a …young girl while he is the winning prize in the lottery for Nesta. Am I getting this right?

The superficial way people view certain characters astonishes me.

Cassian is not a ray of sunshine and not an innocent lighthearted and most of all balanced person. Cassian is one of my most favorite characters in the acotar series (Top Five easily). But he, as many characters of the book, is a grey character that can often be amoral. You don’t get to become THE General of the Night Court and the commander of the Illyrian forces and part of the Inner Circle by being solely moral and good and …nice.

Cassian is dangerous. Like Alpha Male dangerous. He is an experienced man. An experienced OLD man. The fact that he looks hot and young and is energetic with a six pack does not change his age or his position in life or who he is. And if you put that in contrast with a young girl with Nesta’s history that has not even traveled the world yet -while this was her dream- then who ‘deserves’ who can become a very long argument.

Cassian is indeed a good man but he is carrying a load of crap and baggage on his shoulders. He is over half a millennia old. He is a FREAKING GENERAL from crying out loud. The fact that he cracks jokes and is supportive of his family and friends does not take away all the blood he had shed or the scars that has left on him (and he will bring those scars to whatever relationship he enters). It does not take away that the bone carver called him the Lord of Bloodshed. Cassian is a killer. A professional one at that. No matter how noble he is (and he is) that does not change that it takes a certain kind of bloodthirsty savageness and mindset to rise to where he is now. Cassian views fighting and cutting through people as if it is an art. He walks hand in hand with death. He commands the Illyrian forces of the Night Court.

For centuries he is mixed to a dysfunctional emotional triangle with both of his best friends in a way that hurts one of his two brothers -because this is what Azriel is for him- and he is in a complicated mess with Morrigan. He has codependency issues with Morrigan, Rhysand and Azriel. He has shown to have suicidal tendencies (add homicidal to that too). He is not all sunshine and charm and jokes. He goes to the battlefield to kill and to count the dead and inform their families. It takes a certain kind of heart and soul and violence to wage war. To kill people. To do that for half a millennia. He is feared and terrifies his enemies. He has self esteem issues and even depression signs (as surprise surprise so does Nesta). He is haunted by ghosts of the past. He is afraid of commitment. He is menacing. He has sent monsters into the prison of the Night Court. He is ready to cut through his enemies like butter or condemn them to an eternity of imprisonment.

He has lived lifetimes. He has experience both on the light side of life and the dark side of life.

Say what you like about Nesta and her behavior but in the end she is just a..girl. She is not experienced with life or men for that matter. She has been sexually assaulted and sheltered. She wanted to travel but did not got a chance. She is very young and thrown in a life and nature she had not wanted. How old is she really? 20-22? And for you a 22 year old -tops- girl with limited life experience does not deserve a 500+ years old man because that man is somehow an optimist and an extrovert and so good? You are seriously going with that right now?

Because Cassian needs to be coddled and a bitch like Nesta is not a good fit for …him? Because a man needs …deserves…as sweet woman as a reward right? Because a woman has to apologize for everything in her character and become less so to fit the needs of a man because of what he deserves and if not then...she does not deserve him. (My mind’s wires are short cutting right now I kid you not).

If anything it would be more healthy for Nesta to not get involved with a man like Cassian until she has some decades at least on her back and a lot more experience.

Many people say that Nesta is mean with Cassian. And she has bitter outbursts with him that is for sure true up to an extent but no one ever pointed out how Cassian when he first met Nesta had already formed an opinion over her as if he had the right to do so only because his new friend (which he barely really knew) told him (mostly alluded) some things that did not involve him in any way. From the very start Cassian had judged Nesta and played judge and jury with her and had condemned her without even exchanging a word with her. Not even Rhysand that was Feyre’s mate did that.

Nesta was right to tell him that “You know nothing about who I am, and what I’ve done and what I want.“

Why wouldn’t Nesta be hostile with him? The guy has boundaries issues. And was quick to judge her. He is a centuries years old persistent (borderline obsessed) Fae male that …can’t stay away. Romance aside let us not start glamorizing certain people and acting as if Cassian is perfect. He is not. He has flaws. There are no saints and sinners in this equation. Nesta has not treated Cassian right all the time but Cassian has not always treated Nesta right either. And if we take their character traits into account this was bound to happen.

Yes Nesta is an asshole. But guess what? Cassian is an asshole too. He taunts, he mocks, he insults, he provokes, he uses his sexual experience as a weapon of choice, he intimidates, his uses his body as a way to make others step back, he throws tantrums, he hides behind jokes, he is reckless, he is hard. In the first sign of true intimacy he backs down and alienates people. He has been all those things with Nesta. He originally was surprised and even took offense because Nesta ignored his good looks for crying out loud. Cassian even in Wings and Embers tried to intimidate her while he barely knew her. A human 22 year old girl that could crash with his little finger while he could tell that she had no experience in physical combat or men. He used his nature, his body, his words to make Nesta less of who she was. To make her feel uncomfortable. His game was less than honorable back then. And when that did not work his infatuation started to run deeper and they both entered a game of push and pull and love-anger/hate and bickering and…understanding.

That does not make him a bad person. He is a good man. A messed up mortally grey good man with honor. In the same way Nesta is also a good woman.  A messed up angry woman with a moral code that for getting to see you need to watch past the surface. A woman that got inspired by Feyre’s and Cassian’s honor and made Cassian proud. A proud woman that has made mistakes but is learning from them and tries to better herself with actions. Something that Cassian sees and respects and maybe even has also done in his long life because everyone starts from somewhere and faces difficulties and trauma in different ways and learns and grows and moves on.

Nesta grew up with the same superstitions Feyre grew up when it came to Fae people. Do you remember how Feyre herself acted with the Fae at the very beginning before she grew to know them? And yet Nesta allowed Fae men to get into her home. Nesta’s interest when it came to Cassian himself surpassed her prejudices before she was even thrown to the Cauldron and turned to High Fae herself.

Nesta was traumatized after been thrown in the Cauldron. And so was Cassian when he had his wings shredded… but he could not stay away from Nesta despite the boundaries she was trying to put between them. It was his choice to go over to her over and over again despite being rejected. No one from the fandom ever speaks of the trauma Nesta had been subjected too and how Cassian’s needs should not surpass her needs over this. But sure.. Nesta is mean so Cassian’s needs must go first. But just maybe this is not about romance or about what a man deserves. This is not about Cassian getting to feel better. And yet somehow this is what it all ends up too.

Introvert vs Extrovert. Young age vs Old age. Man vs Woman. A man that has lived his life to the fullest vs a woman that has not yet lived. Who deserves who.

Does Cassian deserve Nesta? Does Nesta deserve Cassian?

In my opinion who deserves who is a bullshit argument to make for this sort of subject. I can give you a dissertation of why Cassian does not deserve Nesta too. Or why he does deserve her. And vice versa for the other way around.

Truth is that in my opinion they complete each other. It is not just opposites attract. Cassian found an equal in Nesta despite their differences (that are many). Mentally and intellectually they are equal and similar even.

Blade and fire made flesh. Death made flesh. They fit each other.

Cassian is a killing machine and Nesta now holds death in her fingertips. While Cassian always walked in death. But more so aside those parallels that mirror each other they also click as characters.

Cassian shares the same values with Nesta. The same need to protect others. Nesta kept saying how she wanted to help families and children. Cassian has the same view point with her. It is in his very core the need to protect others and this was in the end what Nesta was ready to sacrifice herself for.

Nesta that is so cold on the outside because she feels everything more intense than any other in the inside. Cassian that is so easy going on the outside because he is broken in the inside. Nesta that uses cruel words as a shield. Cassian that uses jokes as an armor. Nesta that hides her emotions and vulnerabilities. Cassian that does the same in different ways. Nesta that is afraid to let others in. Cassian that observes everything both in the battlefield and outside of it. Nesta that scares people. Cassian that is not and could never be afraid of her. Cassian that intimidates people. Nesta that refuses to be intimidated by him. Nesta that throws insults. Cassian that throws tantrums. Cassian that turns his pain to playfulness and his weakness to anger and battle. Nesta that does not allow anyone to see her as weak and turns her rage to ice and her pain to faux indifference and hostility. Cassian that gets his power from his warrior nature and training. Nesta that wants to be empowered and get agency in different ways. Cassian that leans to order and anarchy. Nesta that leans to order and freedom. Nesta that is now the emissary of the Night court. The bridge of the human world with the Fae world trying to balance an understanding between two worlds. Cassian that is always trying to create an understanding between the Illyrians and the rest of High Fae and the man that becomes a bridge when he has a death count in paper and has to inform all the families of the lost. Nesta that her power is now connected with death. Cassian that has been walking in death. Nesta that is too serious. Cassian that is too aloof. Nesta that is too proud and disdainful and willful. Cassian that is arrogant and cocky and prideful. Nesta that is all about manners and propriety. Cassian that is insolent and all about wrecking buildings. Cassian that is serious when needs to be and Nesta that needs to relax and laugh more. Nesta that prefers a book and solitude and Cassian that in silent moments shows a more grounded version of himself. Cassian that people overlook his intelligence. Nesta that people overlook her humanity. Cassian born in a world that does not value bastards. Nesta born in a world that does not value women. Nesta that does not let others in. Cassian that is not making any serious commitments and relationships. Nesta that is so afraid of what she feels for Cassian that prefers to keep him in arm’s lengths using insults and distance and Cassian that is so terrified of what he feels for Nesta that gets completely out of sync when she shows him tenderness and interest. Cassian, the Prince of Bastards, that wanted to find his place in the world and be a man with value despite his heritage and Nesta, the terrible Queen, that after loss and building emotional walls wanted to go out to the world and see what a woman could so and leave her mark in the world. Nesta and Cassian that both dream of a better more equal world for bastards, children and women. The same coin from different sides.

And really this is not about a competition. You do not fall in love with someone that is perfect for you in theory. You get to fall in love with ...people. With imperfect people. You get to love them exactly due to those imperfections that make then unique. I cannot stress enough that this is not a matter of what someone ‘deserves’. It is about what someone feels. It is about what makes a heart tick. It could be the most weird combination. It could be insane. And volatile. And easy going or difficult until it aches. In the end it is all about understanding and Nesta and Cassian can understand each in a deep level that is mostly instinctual at this point. It is lust and attraction and sexual tension (like …seriously!) and struggle (because nothing that is worth it comes easy in life) and it is understanding and feeling and silent communication and attraction in all levels.

And guess what… Cassian deserves this. He deserves a person that won’t use him as a sexual object so to get out of predicament and then use him as a shield against his best friend and create conflict in him and in the relationships that define him. Cassian deserves a person that won’t be afraid to stand up against him and with him. That won’t be charmed by his superficial sexiness and distractions. That will be an equal to him. That will shout to him miles away to get him out of danger and he will hear that voice calling him to safety. Cassian deserves a touch. Deserves to fall in love. To have a person that can see when he is hurt. Cassian deserves to get a chance with the woman he is choosing to fight with him and die with him and the woman that he is ready to search to the other life just so to have a chance with her and not regret not spending time with her. The woman that when he in bleeding and unconscious he will try to defend till his last breath. The woman that has a name that he keeps hearing in the wind. Cassian deserves a person that can see beyond his facade. Nesta that understands how dangerous and how noble Cassian is because he sees what others don’t. Because he sees beyond the surface. Because he sees who truly Nesta is. And who Nesta is is someone that Cassian not only wants but would be damn lucky to have. A woman that will stand up next to him and won’t allow anyone to offend him and she won’t judge him for his past. A woman that will surprise him. A woman that will shield him with her body against death itself. A woman that will try to carry him away from danger. And if she can’t help him she will stay with him till the end. She won’t run. She won’t lie. She won’t be dishonest. She won’t see him as a charity case. She will stay for the good and the bad and for hell itself. Cassian has been a bastard that had found family to the inner circle of the Night Court and friends and family but something has always been missing. A sense of true belonging. To have someone stay with him as the world burns and protect him as he protects others. To have someone truly understand him and use honest actions instead of words. Yes Nesta and Cassian are in a clash of wills but also in a clash of hearts.

But sure thing. Cassian surely does not deserve this and I do not get why people like Nesta and Cassian as a ship either.

[rhetoricandlogic]

AUTONOMOUS BY ANNALEE NEWITZ

BY: NIALL HARRISON ISSUE: 11 DECEMBER 2017

1.

Medicine, medical research, and healthcare systems have always felt to me a little under-explored by SF. Every so often there's a small-press anthology, or some think tank-y futurism—such as this year's Writing the Future competition, organised by Kaleidoscope Health & Care—and on screen no starship is complete without its sickbay and doctor. But when it comes to more substantial SF, and in particular novels, the pickings seem slim. The two recent-ish examples that come to mind are Project Itoh's Harmony (2008, trans. Alexander O. Smith 2010), and Juli Zeh's The Method (2009, trans. Sally-Ann Spencer 2012): both are classically dystopian narratives that dramatise the totalitarian potential of excessive care. Beyond that, you have to look for more generally biotech-oriented stories that incorporate elements of healthcare politics, such as Stephanie Saulter's (r)egeneration series (2013-2015), or mainstream-published work that shades into the speculative, such as Jillian Weise's The Colony (2010) or Hanya Yanagihara's The People in the Trees (2013). The gap seems especially glaring when it comes to American genre SF, given the political prominence and immanently-dystopian quality of the American healthcare system, and its knock-on effects for global healthcare: to paraphrase William Gibson, the drugs are here, they're just not evenly distributed.

So Annalee Newitz's first novel, Autonomous, is welcome for building its narrative around the practicalities and morality of access to effective drugs, even if some of its choices are a little more confusing than you might hope. But we'll come to that. Setup first: towards the end of the present century, the global Collapse that looms in most of today's near futures leads to a realignment of the international order, away from nation-states and towards “economic coalitions”—of which the big players seem to be the Free Trade Zone that covers most of North America, the Asian Union, the African Federation, and the Eurozone—that represent near-total capitalist capture of governmental and public services. As a result, patent terms for new medicines have been extended to longer than a normal human lifespan; regulatory oversight of the clinical development process has been weakened nearly out of existence; drugs that enhance health and cognition are common and required for many jobs; and the pay-for-treatment US insurance model appears to have been extended to basically the entire world, leading to cascading generational inequality:

Only people with money could benefit from new medicine. Therefore, only the haves could remain physically healthy, while the have-nots couldn’t keep their minds sharp enough to work the good jobs, and didn’t generally live beyond a hundred. Plus, the cycle was passed down unfairly through families. The people who couldn’t afford patented meds were likely to have sickly, short-lived children who became indentured  and never got out. (p. 55)

Enter Jack Chen, patent pirate. From a family of farmers, she moved into synthetic biology research, and then into open medicine activism, first as part of a group known as The Bilious Pills, then later and for decades as a solo artist. In July of 2144, we find her in the middle of the Arctic Ocean, charging up the batteries of her submarine and worrying over news stories about a bad batch of black-market pharma that might be her fault. In an attempt to raise funds to subsidise her “real work” making medically urgent antiviral and gene therapies freely available, Jack reverse-engineered and sold Zacuity, the hot new “productivity pill” made by Zaxy, which was “didn't just boost your concentration [but] made you enjoy work” (p. 14). Now there are stories in her feed about people with obsessive task addiction, starting with a student whose “brain showed a perfect addiction pattern [...] like she'd been addicted to homework for years” (p. 11). Before too long, Jack is on the run, attempting to find a cure for the people she's inadvertently hurt, while being pursued (in alternating chapters) by agents of the International Property Coalition.

Newitz's future, while perhaps not quite matching the likes of Lauren Beukes or Ian McDonald for sentence-level stylistic verve, is rich, varied, and consistently interesting; it's fun to roam from the Arctic to Casablanca to Vegas and on. But every now and then something doesn't quite ring true. The mildest of my eyebrow-raises were down to inconsistencies or ambiguities in terminology. If you tell me a drug is in “beta” (p. 29), I will assume a move-fast-and-break-things culture has replaced more rigorous medical research, unless and until you later start talking about phase 1 clinical trials: those two linguistic paradigms don't fit neatly together. If you refer to “cloned Zacuity” (p. 13), I will assume it is produced by a process in which cloning could plausibly be relevant; so it's probably a biologic, perhaps a cell therapy of some kind; but if you then talk about “isolat[ing] each part of the drug” and “narrow[ing] the questionable parts down to four molecules” (pp. 28-9) I will get thoroughly confused, since not only does that not sound like a cell therapy or biologic, it doesn't even sound like Zacuity is a single drug, but rather a combination of small-molecule treatments.

Above this, however, sit some practical and conceptual concerns. I can accept that the novel's characters believe that subversion of intellectual property law is the most practical solution to their crisis because they are living under total capitalism; but it is odd that nobody even laments the impossibility of a system that would centralise and pool healthcare costs. Socialism seems to have been thoroughly erased in the present, in memory, and in possibility. And I can accept that “Zaxy didn't make data from their clinical trials available”, but the corollary, “so there was no way to find out about possible side effects” (p. 14) seems a little dubious in what is evidently still a networked world easily capable of crowdsourcing that information. Then there's the underlying business model itself. It seems that the have-nots massively outnumber the haves, and while pharmaceutical companies are not perfectly rational economic agents, and have been known to push the limits of appropriate pricing for access to treatment, at a certain point charging x to a market of y patients becomes less profitable than charging a fraction of x to a multiple of y. Everything we learn about the world of Autonomous suggests that Zaxy and its competitors deliberately keep themselves on the wrong side of that equation. It's only Jack and her friends attempting to fill the market hole, and it's not clear why.

Why does such pedantry matter? Perhaps it doesn't. But Zacuity is presented to us as symptomatic of a system, a synecdoche for lost autonomy, the reduction of human lives to biological machinery. It's everything Jack has dedicated her life to fighting against. And for that fight to really matter, the symptom and the system need to feel crushingly inescapable; and they don't always.

2.

Or is there another way in? Autonomous explores its core theme on more than one front. It is a novel about seeking freedom in an owned world, and although the owners in the background don't always quite feel solid, their property is memorably thorny. Two pairings stand out in particular. Travelling with Jack is Threezed (3-Z, two syllables), a young indentured man she inadvertently rescues from his owner; pursuing them are two IPC agents, an enfranchised man named Eliasz, and an indentured artificial intelligence, Paladin.

Indenture is, for the avoidance of doubt, slavery, but a version grown from the worst of contemporary employment practices and a perversion of the concept of equality. It took root, we are told, in the mid-twenty-first century, with the arrival of the first true artificial intelligences: “companies could offset the cost of building robots by retaining ownership for up to ten years” (p. 224). (The parallel to non-sentient innovations such as pharmaceuticals is hard to miss.)

But when bots were granted human rights, that didn't come with their immediate freedom; instead, a new human right was enshrined, namely the “right” of indenture. “After all, if human-equivalent beings could be indentured, why not humans themselves?” (p. 224). This global endorsement of slavery as the ultimate choice of a good capitalist subject means that in 2144 it has expanded from what we know and become an order of magnitude more extensive than at any previous point human history. Its supposed limits are fig-leaves: even if birth-indenture of humans remains technically outlawed in most of the economic coalitions, many turn a blind eye, and in any case, child indenture is fine. Such was the fate of Threezed, as Jack sees it:

Families with nothing would sometimes sell their toddlers to indenture schools, where managers trained them to be submissive just like they were programming a bot. At least bots could earn their way out of ownership after a while, be upgraded, and go fully autonomous. Humans might earn their way out, but there was no autonomy key that could undo a childhood like that. (p. 31)

The other characters—and for most of the novel Threezed is seen only through the eyes of others—know this story intellectually, but for various reasons have a hard time internalising what it means. After Jack rescues him, Threezed, “his eyes wide with feigned innocence” (p. 52), offers to “repay” her; Jack wonders whether he is “trying to manipulate her” or whether “his indenture had trained him in this specific form of gratitude” (p. 52). She asks him if he is sure. “He bowed his head in an ambiguous gesture of obedience and consent” (p. 53): a haunting reaction. Their 'relationship' continues for some time, and Jack—an ostensibly pragmatic woman, for whom romance is “like any other biological process [...] the product of chemical and electrical signaling in her brain” (p. 57)—starts to convince herself Threezed's compliance is perhaps more than his programming. “She leaned over to kiss Threezed hard on the mouth. His reaction was not artful. It felt sloppy and real” (p. 88). That “real” lands hard, I think, imbued with a desperate desire for a simple story to be true, for Jack not to be exploiting vulnerability. But of course the power imbalance has distorted Jack's perceptions, as power imbalances inevitably will. Late in the novel we discover that Threezed keeps a blog of his experiences. It is a “prickly, grotesquely truthful story” (p. 243), and his take on Jack is simply that, “Every master loves to fuck a slave” (p. 253). What he doesn't add is the horror we have already seen: a master who wants to believe the slave loves to fuck them back.

While all this is happening, Paladin and Eliasz are becoming similarly entangled, but this time it's the master's view that is withheld. Paladin—newly activated and thus something of an innocent, albeit one equipped with alarmingly lethal military hardware, and with appropriate software installed to ensure an uncomplaining 20 years of indentured service—has an unexpectedly intimate moment with Eliasz fairly early on in the novel:

The bot stood at full height, and Eliasz rested his hands on the guns that jutted from Paladin's chest. Eliasz' right hand began to move slowly, getting to know the whole barrel by feel.

[...]

Shoot the entire roof off that house. Eliasz' lips were pressed into Paladin's carapace, moving slightly as he gave the vague order.

[...]

Paladin categorized the physiological changes in Eliasz' body and reloaded his guns. The bot decided to continue his human social communication test by not communicating. It didn't make sense to remind Eliasz that every single movement of his body, every rush of blood or spark of electricity, was completely transparent to Paladin. He would allow Eliasz to believe that he sensed nothing. (pp. 75-76)

This is entertaining—and a later scene in which Paladin allocates 20% of his processing power to run internet searches for confusing sexual terms while reserving the remaining 80% to concentrate on blowing shit up is outright funny—but it's also tragic. Every one of Paladin's actions is oriented towards meeting Eliasz' needs, even “his” acceptance of a particular pronoun. Bots, we are told more than once, do not have a sense of gender, and as a result it takes Paladin a while to understand how profoundly gender shapes the world for humans. When it becomes clear that Eliasz would be more comfortable with their relationship if he could think of Paladin as a woman, Paladin accommodates by accepting “she” instead of “he”, even recognising the potential impact of the change, even knowing that the choice may not be free: “Bug would no doubt say that there are no choices in slavery, nor true love in a mind running apps like gdoggie and masterluv. But they were all that Paladin had” (p. 236). More completely programmed than Threezed, Paladin's chosen truth shies away from the grotesque—even after she achieves autonomy.

Fortunately for Paladin, Eliasz treats her better than Jack treats Threezed—he asks permission, for one thing—and his feelings, when we are eventually given access to them, do appear to be—that word again—real. In contrast to Jack's mechanistic view of love, for Eliasz it is an unexamined but powerfully felt emotion, and when at a moment of crisis he has to choose between achieving a goal and saving Paladin, he thinks: “He had a choice. Or maybe he didn't” (p. 285). And like that we are reminded that the novel's logic for “human indenture” is particularly malevolent because it extrapolates from an underlying truth: that even when nominally free citizens, humans are never perfectly autonomous and that that is in fact a good and necessary fact; that in a thousand different interactions we give up some of our freedom, for the sake of each other, for the sake of society. Is that grounds for a faint flicker of hope? In Newitz's dystopia it may be supremely difficult to define when and where “real” occurs, but if at least some voluntary abstentions of autonomy remain possible, some of the time, then neither humans nor bots have been reduced to perfect commodities yet. So the fight does still matter. I think that, in the end, is what I choose to take from this unsettling, uneven novel.

@booksandghosts This reviewer is brilliant and the emphasis above (I bold/italicked the paragraph which matters to me) explains eloquently what I called “misgivings” while I read this book. I thought you would like to know. The review is -of course- somewhat spoilery, though not overly.

[the-sapphire-general]

Sonic the Hedgehog: My Thoughts on the Series and Fandom

As you may already know, I'm a fan of Sonic the Hedgehog. I have been a longtime fan ever since 2003, and I still am a fan today. Over the years, I have encountered thousands of content online regarding Sonic, a lot of them coming from the fandom. It's been years, and I feel like it's time for me to speak up about how I feel about the Sonic series, how it affected me, what I think about the fandom in general, etc. This will be a lengthy post because I will cover my years of being a Sonic fan and all my thoughts, feelings, and opinions.

The first thing I will begin with is my history with the franchise. Now I have dealt with a lot of bullying as a child, and despite pretending that everything was okay, it wasn't. It was difficult going to school and not get bullied by those jerks, but then I found out about Sonic. I first got introduced to him when I saw a commercial for the upcoming show, Sonic X. So I watched it on that Saturday, and I instantly liked him. Who wouldn't? He's kind, adventurous, confident, and he stands up for what he believes in, and those are all the things I strived to become myself. And I'm still doing so to this day. Sonic taught me to stick with my passions, be good to others, and not look at things in a negative light (it's still a struggle but I improved massively). Shortly after I began to watch Sonic X, I bought my first Sonic game, Sonic Adventure 2 Battle. And I had a blast! Sure, a lot of people now call the game overrated and not as great, but I don't think so. It holds a place in my heart. Sonic the Hedgehog himself became my hero and idol, and he gave me hope in life and myself. I developed a crush on him as well that's still going strong, and he just makes me happy. I may have trouble trying to be more like Sonic, but you can blame the bullying that followed after I became a fan. So bullying has happened to everyone (if there's anyone who was never bullied, you are extremely lucky lol), and I wish to explain my experience. Apparently, in elementary school, I was bullied mainly for liking Sonic. Some mocked me for it, others found it stupid, and my friends that I had at the time showed their true colors and betrayed my trust by telling me to stop liking Sonic. Why? I honestly have no idea. It hurt to be told that I shouldn't like Sonic. What, did they want me to like what they liked, which was going boy-crazy, shopping, mocking others, gossiping about everything, and basically bossing others around? No thank you. Yes, I like men, but I'm not obsessed with shopping, I don't judge others or gossip about them, and I don't boss people around by telling them they can't like whatever it is they like. Instead of letting this affect how I feel about Sonic, I just cut those people out of my life and moved on once I moved to a new place, so I started to attend another school. The bullying continued, only this time it was merciless. "Sonic sucks!" is what I usually got from those morons, and as much as I wanted to ignore them, it was hard. People treated my interest in the Sonic franchise as a joke, and some even dared to say that Shadow is better than Sonic in such a rude and taunting manner that was annoying. Dude, Shadow isn't my idol.. Shove off. As much as I strived to be more like Sonic, it was difficult. Thanks to people like them, I'm pretty much broken. They caused enough damage to make me insecure, worrisome, and not as similar to Sonic. Again, Sonic helped me maintain a positive outlook as much as possible. If it weren't for him, I would probably be a worse person than I actually was on DeviantArt. I would have been so messed up because of the bullying. In fact, if I had never gotten to know Sonic, I wouldn't have a Sonic fan character of my own. Now I didn't wish to say this since it's been years ago, but...I used to be a terrible person on a website known as DeviantArt. When I first signed up, I was a horrible writer, and I had a mary-sue/recolor Sonic fan character. Her name was Sonica. I'm not kidding. She was basically a mary-sue that was just a genderbent Sonic with high heels and breasts. Back then I did not accept people's constructive criticism whenever I got it, and I was just plain horrible, not just regaring my crappy "character" but on other things that are common with Sonic fanbrats. To sum this up, I was just like all the Sonic fanbrats you may know. Whether or not the infamous ones I've heard of have changed like I did, I have no idea. I don't keep track of those guys. People may have assumed I would never change, but I began to improve as I got older. It wasn't easy doing so after developing a bad reputation, but with help from a few close friends that stayed by my side, I became the person that I am today. Now I still struggle with constructive criticism, but I can handle it way better than before and I do my best to not take it personally. What about Sonica? Well, first off, her name is now Sorina. Second, she received several designs, but here she is in her new design.

Isn't she cute? I don't draw much, but I had fun drawing Sorina. She came a long way, not just me, and I adore her. She's my baby! She's not the only one I have, though. I haven't drawn all of them because I have a lot of characters, and I'm not an amazing artist. I'm good though if I managed to capture Sorina well. Today, seeing all those mary-sues and recolors is disappointing, and it makes me wonder if those people will improve. Unfortunately some may never will. It's not difficult to create an original Sonic character or improve a terrible character. I improved a lot over the years, and so did my character. And so did my writing and creativity! Although I do admit I am still haunted by my past. More on that later.

Now I will discuss the Sonic fandom. Every fandom has their...toxic side, so to speak. I'm well aware of it, and it's just sad. Besides people making mary-sue/recolor/unoriginal Sonic characters, there are loads of creepers. Believe me, I've looked up some of them. I couldn't believe my eyes, but it was all there. I'm tempted to say some names, but to be honest, some are old news, and I don't know how they are doing today. However, I can express my thoughts on these types of people. Aside from reminding me of my past self, they are just annoying and/or disturbing. Now I am not going to attack any of them, especially those that are the most notorious. Just wanted to say that because I'm not one to talk shit about people just for the sake of it and I honestly don't care to discuss them in full detail. Those I have heard of did make me cringe. Christian Weston Chandler, Akai Dalia, Princess Elizabeth, and PaulandAmy. These are just a handful of these guys in the Sonic community, and I do agree that these guys, along with so many others, give the Sonic fandom a bad name. One is an autistic man that never got the help he needed to deal with his disability and has done...questionable and disturbing things.. Another is a person with weird sexual fantasies that wound up making Sonic incredibly OOC and just plain creepy, which did not go well with me. However, I've heard she has changed, but I don't know if it's true. Moving on. The third person is a teenager with serious anger issues and has caused trouble on DA during my absence (thank goodness I was though). And PaulandAmy.............Ummmm, he went to prison for raping little girls......Enough said. Okay, I get it. I really do. There's a lot of crazy people in the Sonic fandom, plus annoying fanbrats and strange people, which turned the fandom into a twisted kind of place. And because I was one of those people before, it does make me uncomfortable. So I made myself scarce in the Sonic community because of the fandom, my own past, my insecurities, and because of what I have dealt with a few years ago. I remained in hiding in the Sephiroth community. I wanted to run away from my past for fear that someone would recognize me and use my past as an excuse to hate me and to just throw it back in my face as if I'm still that person. Well I'm not that person. I haven't been that person in years, and I will never be that person ever again. To those I have hurt back then, whatever crap I have written, said, and done, I'm sorry. :( I really am. I know I wasn't pleasant to be around with and I was a terrible person. I hurt people and I lost friends, but I've changed thanks to those who stayed by my side. My new DA account and my Tumblr blog are proof. Sorina is proof. Don't you think there are Sonic fans who can change like I did? Not all of them will change, but that doesn't mean none of them will. There's a lot of great, kind, caring, fun, and sane Sonic fans in the fandom if you look past the toxic side of it. Every fandom has its toxic side, you know. It's best to just avoid those types of people or else trouble will arise. I'll give an example. I talked to a fan of the Sonic community long ago. I thought he was cool because he did manage to change from how he used to be, but I will not mention his name. We did start to hit it off, but what turned me away was his claims that Sonic the Hedgehog is a selfish douchebag who cares about nobody and tried to murder Amy or something like that. It was stupid. His logic did not make sense and it annoyed me because I love Sonic (no shit lol). It almost made me angry that he would think such a thing, but instead of causing a fight, I just walked away. I didn't want to waste my time and have him say things about Sonic that I knew weren't true. Arguing wouldn't have done anything, and if you were talking to a fanbrat, you would know that. So it's best to just walk away from those types of people in the fandom.. They'll only cause trouble or try to provoke you, and we would rather not cause drama. And sadly, DeviantArt is a website that has become known for drama.

In addition to the fandom...I don't understand their opinions regarding the Sonic franchise. People say Sonic has lost his charm when he made his way to 3D. People claim he should go back to his Classic ways. Well SEGA made Sonic 4, but even that wasn't enough to satisfy them. People don't think any of his recent games are good. Uhhhh, really?? I happen to like and own the recent games. And what has always bugged me is how people bash on Sonic games whenever SEGA tries to be innovative. I mean, Mario has added new things into the series and nobody complains! Why can't Sonic be allowed to add more to his games?? I understand people have their own opinions, but a lot of them are ridiculous and contradictory. Seriously, Sonic 4 was the answer to those who like the Classic games, but that wasn't enough. What gives?? You got what you wanted. Even more so with Sonic Mania! Maybe I'm a bit unbiased because I like Sonic, so I try to defend the series. You can have your own opinions, but don't shove them in my face and believe I will blindly agree with you.

As for the Archie comics, they were cancelled recently, but I never read them. I did look up some stuff about them, and they kept me away from them. I heard Sonic was OOC, which is something you obviously know I can't stand, and because of people saying they weren't well-written often. And there's Sonally. I don't like anyone paired with Sonic (canon-wise considering that I pair Sonic with my character Sorina), and to me, the pairing was just unhealthy.. It made me hate Sally Acorn, not just because of Sonic, but because she wasn't right for him. They were far too different, and even I wouldn't date someone similar to Sally. Hey, just because I'm a Sonic fan doesn't mean I like everything. I don't like the Archie comics, I don't like the Sonic Boom games, and I refuse to read Sonic the Comic. You're probably thinking I'm missing one more thing, and I know what it is...Sonic '06. Ay ay ay, Sonic '06. Well, this might be an unpopular opinion, but I like it.. I own the game. I got it for about ten dollars, and I didn't mind playing it. The story was not what I expected, and it was rather dark for a Sonic game, but I didn't mind. The only criticisms I have is the ranking system and the struggles in trying to get S ranks. lol The glitches can be an obstacle, but I did enjoy the one where I can make Sonic, while on top of a box, rise higher and higher in the air. XD Also I like Silver the Hedgehog. Yes, I like him because I like hedgehogs and his powers are cool and fun to use. I'm not one to hate every single new Sonic character for no reason. The only characters I despise in all Sonic media are Mephiles, Princess Elise, Sally Acorn, and Geoffrey St. John. The comics may have had others that I would dislike as well, but again I never read them and since they ended, there's no need. I haven't watched all the Sonic cartoons, but I did watch some AOSTH episodes, and I dislike Breezy. And there's the shipping wars. Now I did say I dislike any pairings involving Sonic, but that doesn't mean I will bash others for liking these pairings, just as long as they don't shove them down my throat. I used to be obsessive about my hatred for SonAmy, but as I've matured, I don't give a damn if others like SonAmy or Sonally or whatever pairing of Sonic. I'm still anti-SonAmy, but I have a friend on DA who is pro-SonAmy. It's fine. We all have our preferences. I don't like any pairings with Sonic, but others do, so why fight? I hate Sally for obvious reasons, and at least I'm being honest. Also, Amy wasn't mentioned on my little list of characters I hate. Well, I've grown fond of her. I still loathe her love for Sonic, but it doesn't mean I hate Amy herself. I don't care what pairings you like. If they make you happy, then it's all good. I like some (that don't involve Sonic) like KnuxRouge, Tailream, ChrisXHelen, and JetWave. I honestly don't have a lot of Sonic-related pairings I support. lol The Sonic series in my opinion hasn't been doing that bad after the 90's. I grew up playing the modern games, and I enjoy them. There's nothing wrong with being innovative in the new games. It can't always be like the Classic games. The fandom is a very, very mixed bag, but there's plenty of good people in the community if you just look hard enough and there are original, creative fan characters too. I'm one of them and Sorina is one of the characters. :) Sonic got me into gaming more than I was before, and he helped me through tough times, so he means a lot to me. He's the reason why I got into writing, and despite my terrible start, I have improved. I realize I shouldn't hide because of my past experiences, and I should be a proud a Sonic fan. If others don't like it and say I shouldn't like Sonic, well too bad. They can't tell me what I can and can't like. I'll always be a Sonic fan, and if it weren't for him and my friends, I wouldn't be the person that I am today. I will go on a bit of a tangent, but it is still linked to Sonic. A few years ago, back in high school, I finally gained relief from all the bullying I endured regarding Sonic. I felt like I could breathe and be free to like whatever I want, and even more so when I met and fell in love with the one man that has the same passion for Sonic as I do. Sonic is what connected us in the first place, and we later started to get to know each other. Turns out he is a lot like Sonic, which is what got me interested in him, but in time, I got to know him other than just his Sonic-like traits. I loved him even more, and he makes me feel wonderful. Just when I thought the pain was over for good at the time, someone else came along and screwed me over just as I started to heal. I will not say her name because just the idea of typing her name causes me to feel intense hate. We started off as friends and like how my boyfriend and I hit it off from the start with the Sonic series, she and I hit it off with Black Butler, an anime/manga series I love but...well, I'll explain shortly. We got along real well, we talked a lot, and I just felt so happy to have a new friend, possibly my best friend...but then she just changed. I don't know why, but she did. She went from a friendly, outgoing girl with a great sense of humor to a heartless bitch who only wanted to hurt me and others emotionally, and she could have harmed me physically when I witnessed her punching her boyfriend at the time. I wouldn't consider my boyfriend's friend her boyfriend exactly. Again, I'll explain shortly. I almost dared to call her out on what she did but someone else did it for me. I couldn't hear the conversation from a distance, but that became a hint for me. However, she never punched anyone afterwards, but we fought several times. Why? Well, from what I recall, the arguments were petty and idiotic, and she accused me of things that weren't even true. Heck, she even gave me the silent treatment. For NO good reason!! I tried talking to her and confront her over why she was acting like this towards me for I was her main target. I never got an answer. Never. And before she moved away sometime in the Spring, she flat-out told me that I was a horrible person, and that I could never be like....guess. Sonic the Hedgehog. That broke my heart. She did other countless terrible things to me like manipulating me into being her "little puppet", tried to change me with help from her stupid lackey of a friend who was so loyal to the bitch that I had nobody on my side. Worse, she dated my boyfriend, who was a crush at the time, behind my back!! And she knew I liked him! She knew!! Also, when we argued over stupid things, I was always the one to blame! Always! Yet I did nothing wrong to her or anyone!!I never even said anything bad to her! But Sonic...Her acting like I can never be like my idol just because she "believed I was a horrible person" really hurt. It also didn't help that she found my interest in the series as ridiculous. So I cut off contact with her. I didn't leave a text or something. She was just gone. I was done. I hated her, and I'll always hate her, but I'll try to not let this hate take over my life or my sanity. Guys, if you meet someone and they behave in a way similar to this, don't be friends with them. They are toxic, cruel, manipulative, heartless assholes who do nothing but hurt others. I don't know why this tramp hurt me. I'll never know. But what I do know is everything she said about me are lies. None of the things she said to me are true. And guess what? We had a conversation on Facebook last year. A friend of mine, who unfortunately is online friends with her, told me that she was sick. Now he told me that it was curable, and being the compassionate person that I am, I decided to message her. I wished for her to feel better. She said thanks...and she knew who I was even though I changed my username and icon. I asked if she remembered me because of how she implied it. And she replied in such a sarcastic manner about my love for Sonic and Black Butler as if those interests were bad. I was beyond furious, but I had to be the bigger person. I would have given her a piece of my mind and told her everything she had made me feel all those years ago, and call her every single name in the book, but no. Instead, I told her to get well soon and to have a good life. Then I blocked her. I thought she had changed after all this time, but no. She didn't. She lost her chance to make amends with me. I don't know why she treated me like dirt, but to be honest, I don't freaking care. She has problems with me liking Sonic or Black Butler or whatever? Fine. It just proves she's a heartless bitch who won't make any friends with that kind of attitude. I can like whatever I want. And fun fact: She's had multiple boyfriends over the years, more boyfriends than she should. I checked her Facebook account before permanently blocking her. I sensed she was a whore. It was then confirmed by a friend. What is also strange is when it came to Sonic, I only mentioned him once to her. I wasn't ready to confess my crush on him or how big of a fan I am because I wasn't sure if I should tell her, but she somehow found out about my crush. I don't know how! I never expressed it in front of her, but our final conversation did confirm she disapproved of it. That, and she disapproved of me being a Sonic fan in general. What I'm trying to say with this little short story is she, and so many others, have bullied me because I like Sonic, making me feel bad for liking the games and the character specifically, whether as a role model or a crush. This is a big reason why I made myself scarce in the Sonic community. I remained in hiding for a while, and when I was introduced to Sephiroth from Final Fantasy 7, I hid in the Sephiroth community. The bullying, everything that happened in DeviantArt, my fake friend, they all made me hide for a long time. And you know what? I don't want to hide anymore. I'm a loyal Sonic fan, and if others don't like it. make fun of me for it, or hate me for it, well that's their problem. They don't have the right to make me feel bad for being myself. Sonic has helped me through tough times, and inspired me to never give up. I'm not giving up on any of the things I love. That also includes Black Butler. I made myself distant from the series because of my fake friend, but that will change. I apologize if the last bit went to a different direction, but it felt right to mention it for it was related to Sonic. I revealed my personal opinions on Sonic and the fandom, plus my own experiences associated with being a fan, and I want to let everyone know that I am a Sonic fan and I am proud, and I am sick of hiding from the Sonic community. If others don't like you for being a fan, don't let them discourage you. You are allowed to like whatever you want and be yourself. I'm one of the kind and sane Sonic fans than you can trust, and there are many others like me as well. Well, that's all. I'll see you guys later!