#i have a good chance of being shittalked. most of the time i wont even know it

[nyxavana]

man. just thinking about raiding burns me out so quickly

[raspberry-vinaigrette]

thank you to user @m0thwinged for hyping me up. hi here's my analysis on "...and if i did, you deserved it" by will wood as an abel song. note that this is pretty based in how i write him which is naturally a lot of interpretation and text inferring from what bits and pieces we do canonically have so this isnt like "this is the ONLY interpretation and im CORRECT" its just for how i write him in fics and whatnot :)

[ @antiquecandlekitty @tripleratskill @themostsanebug pings since yall would probably be interested in this!]

I want a new pair of shades Get paid to wear shoes Do what I say Don't say what I do When we're alone now High up but a low-down You know I'm not the type of guy to turn my back on a knife And that's why I'm still looking in the mirror

okay so like. there's kinda this persistent theme of the singer hiding themself behind fame and money while simultaneously disliking that same fame and money. and that's a big thing with how i write abel !! all he knows is this businessman identity and so he embraces it full force and the only trace of anything different he understands is when he's with scott. he wants to hide his eyes (the eyes are the window to the soul, for some) and earn the money from being a successful businessman while also enjoying his time along scott... but also he doesnt want it to effect how he's seen by others. he doesn't want to be like scott because he knows he can never be, it's a fruitless endeavor. so he embraces what he is and simultaneously wants to see what makes scott ... scott. its unfamiliar and abel likes it.

ANDDD . "you know i'm not the type of guy to turn my back on a knife / and that's why i'm still looking in the mirror" gaaah. this has two meanings to me. the first one being ,, abel sees himself as a force to be reckoned with. hes a businessman first and prior to scott he viewed the world very corporate-like. everything is a Business Deal and an Offer and everything people do is to get something out of others. he cant turn his back on a knife, so he can't turn his back on himself because he IS the knife, the sharp edge, the hazard. but also theres the second meaning of it -- abel is the one holding the knife. particularly after scott dies and abel starts on the phone guy shit, he's constantly self sabotaging. he's willing to cut himself down and constantly feel the same grief over and over just for the tiny chance scott will come back. it's a vicious cycle. but he wont stop looking in the mirror when the knife sinks in

Oh, I wanna be safe from the fame but be loved from afar Get paid to write my name, could you airbrush my scars? Get my good side Don't get on my bad side You know I'm not the type of guy to turn my back on a knife It's just my luck, these motherfuckers, talking smack on a guy But I'm deservin' every word they could begin to apply At least they know now

once again the first two lyrics with the whole "abel wants to be seen as the Epidemy of Business" thing i mentioned !! i also think that entire concept is a funny parallel to how scott is viewed as the face of fazbender's so much that all the phone guys are programmed to "be" him even long after abel died. abel sees himself as a businessman first and foremost and in turn scott ends up being the business. theyre soooo important to me (i made most of these concepts up). also the last few lines ... abel recognizes he's an unpleasant person and makes no effort to be more amicable -- at most he just kind of acts less grating because scott makes it easy to. in abel's eyes its so EASY to be a cutthroat businessman around everyone else that he sees no reason not to, and as much as he hates the other managers for shittalking him, he also completely understands why they do. which leads into the next part!

That I really don't care what you think or what you say Either that or I do way too much Oh well, whatever, either way My heart's empty, and I'm trying to fill it up But it's not big enough for the both of us No it's not big enough for the both of us

CHORUS !! theres so much here. abel simultaneously tries not to care what people say because he has this kind of hardened exterior, but he also DOES care. a lot. he overthinks, he picks things apart, he hates change and wants things to stay as they are for as long as possible -- he wants to be in control. so the fact he can't control everything people think of him and he just has to stay one step ahead Haunts That Man. but all he can do is try to be that step ahead and constantly think before others can, hence why when i write him ,, it's a lot of overthinking in his inner monologue lol. he views his heart as hollow and empty because he's never put stock in personal connections outside of a business viewpoint, so when scott comes along, abel is desperately trying to "fill his heart up" -- he wants to try and understand how scott acts with so much love. but his heart doesnt have enough room for scott's genuine love and enthusiasm alongside abel's businesslike demeanor and attachment to everything he's been in the past. he can't be scott. he can only try and understand scott.

I want no less than the best but the best I can do Is do the worst thing first and leave the rest up to you I'm realistic Everyone's a critic If I keep beating myself up I'll keep on winning the fight And get my ass kicked I'm poisonous, not toxic I'll admit when I'm wrong but only to be right And if it fits in the song I'll rhyme that with contrived

those first two lines uh. Yeah. Abel and scott. thats SO abel and scott. abel wants the perfect life, decorated in a frame of "this is what i need to be" -- he claims not to believe in destiny but also softlocked himself into "i need to run a business" as his only fate so much he rewrote destiny. scott works perfectly with him by not changing this fate but rather rerouting it. abel runs a business with scott, yes, but abel is given a chance to be more than just a cutthroat ceo. ultimately his bad habits with people and how much he wants to understand scott and live beside him forever catches up w/ him, but for a while, abel is doing better than he otherwise wouldve. however he still believes the best thing he can do is act out and be the shitty businessman hes always framed himself as, then let scott handle doing the good things, because thats how they are. scott is loving and kind and good, and abel is hollowed out. the "i'm realistic" / "everyone's a critic" dichotomy adds to this too -- abel thinks he's being realistic both by believing scott is so good and abel himself is rotten, AND by believing that everybody is constantly criticizing him for his behavior. abel views people Very Negatively and while its not unjustified with how i frame his lore + with how we know he was treated by most others (arguably not unfairly) in canon even before the phone guy stuff, it means his dynamic with scott and his dynamics with other coworkers ends up,, wonky. to put it lightly.

the middle lines !! again !! abel overthinks!! he thinks if he keeps gutting himself of any thoughts and rethinking the same subjects and beating himself up mentally so he feels like hes winning at a game he made up. if hes always thinking ahead he can never be caught off guard and lose, which is another notion that scott breaks . u should read misanthrapologist on my ao3 if ur into this kind of thing btw i go more in depth there but ANYWAYS. poisonous implies something you have to consume to be harmed by rather than toxic things, which are actively harmful rather than passively. abel is saying here that he's not actively hurting people around him -- they have to "indulge" in him (converse and engage w/ him) to be hurt by him. hes harmful regardless, though. he won't deny that. the lyrics go on to outright call his thought process contrived and complicated and contradictory too!! he knows his behavior is weird and circular!! but he doesnt care as long as it makes him feel like he's right about himself and others. he'll tell himself he's wrong whenever he tries to be vulnerable or loosen up because that makes things feel right. they don't have to change that way.

Don't meet your idols Hey, fuck you, I'm your idol But the only label that I'll sign is in the DSM5 'Cause my flaws are sorta on the pathological side Don't call me eccentric, call me mentally sick Cause I ain't sold enough tickets yet to be rich and that's the only difference

the first two lyrics ,, ough. abel simultaneously viewing himself as an idol when he runs fazbender's because of the fame and recognizing that he won't live up to the expectations scott / news outlets set, but then being bitter when he realizes that fact. he knows he's not good and doesnt try to be good, but also he's upset whenever anyone acts reasonably shitty because of that. he's so complicated man. AND THE REST OF LYRICS HERE !!! it ties in so well with his view of himself as a businessman in how i write him ... he believes once he hits that rich and famous point that he aspires for, then all his flaws and messed up psychological issues will just Stop Mattering because he did it!! he proved everyone wrong and achieved what he needed to so now hes super normal. dont Worry About It. but also he doesnt wanna sign himself off to anyone until scott comes around and scott diverts him from his priority being "rich and famous" to being "work with scott until i die" . That man is insane

And if looks could kill I'd be staring in the mirror Yeah, if looks could kill I'd be staring in the mirror Yeah, if looks could kill I'd be staring in the mirror Even more than I already would 'Cause man, I'm looking good

theres the obvious egotism here with abel hyping himself up now that hes finally pursuing a business he feels GOOD about, but also... he'd look more im the mirror if his looks could kill him. the only reason he doesnt want to look longer is because he'll live to see himself. fucks me up in the context of everything abel does and what happens to him. his mind hinges so heavily on what he wants and thinks but to that end when things start going terribly, despite his own self-centered behavior and actions, the thing he wishes would happen deep down is his guilt just to... eat him alive. he wouldnt kill himself but he WOULD let someone else kill him, i think. its kinda insinuated abel didnt put up much of a fight when joe was like "hey we're going to phoney-fy your ass" and his main concern was just that the phone head wouldnt fit. to the bitter end abel was willing to prioritize the policies and rules he (and scott to an extent but scott was unrelated to the phoney policies in that regard) put in place over the fact his own life was in danger. or maybe it was bargaining, because he knew that he didnt have anything to plea with for his life -- maybe the impracticality of it all would make joe stop and think.

no luck.

finally...

And I really don't care what you think or what you say I'm a cancer, I'm malignant, yeah, you oughta stay away My heart's fucking empty, and I'm trying to fill it up But it's not big enough for the both of us

half is a re-iteration of prior lines but those first two lines ,, yeah. Yeagh. abel goes from acknowledging part of him cares what people say to outright forcing others to view him as a monster because he doesnt give a shit anymore !! things are too far gone!! if it brings scott back he'll rip out his own ribs goddammit !! plus like. yeah he is actively killing people or at least leading them to their deaths just as a means to his end. people should stay away or theyll be lost in his quest. it's all worth it. all if abel can say he's sorry.