#i have a feeling i won't stay with this url and go back okay

[jennycouldyoucomebackhome]

Hello and welcome to my essay on why Bulletproof Heart is the most transgender MCR song

First of all, my credentials: -I am trans -I have a Danger Days special interest and this album consumes many of my waking thoughts. (i mean, bulletproof heart url, lmao) -I am obsessed with queer interpretations of songs, especially when I can relate them to my personal experiences

Second of all, a short disclaimer that a lot of this is going to be how I personally interpret the lyrics. If you interpret them differently, I think that's great, and at no point am I claiming to have the sole true interpretation. I'm just having fun.

Next of all, the actual song. Bulletproof Heart on a surface level, is about running away from a suffocating town with someone you trust, and it's about hope and resilience in the face of adversity (and running away from the cops). Just starting with this surface level, you can already start to see why this song could resonate from a trans perspective, but I'm gonna dig further into it.

Gravity don't mean too much to me / I'm who I've got to be. The literal opening to the song and I've already got things to say about it. "I'm who I've got to be" stands out to me. It's not a matter of running away due to wanting to become someone new. It's about running away to start new as the person that you actually are. The line about gravity feels fairly self explanatory. Nothing can hold you down or stop you from running towards this goal, even the laws of physics.

Run away like it was yesterday / And we could run away / If we could run away, run away from here The desire to get out- the desire to run away to somewhere new where nobody knows who you used to be. That's something that resonates with a lot of trans people, myself very much included. The thought of running away to a place where nobody knows your deadname or what you used to look like, or potentially even that you're trans in the first place is something that sounds really appealing, especially to trans kids stuck in an unsupportive place.

I've got a bulletproof heart/You've got a hollow point smile./ Me and your runaway scars got a photograph dream on the getaway mile. I know that in my experience, it was really hard to get close to people as a young, mostly closeted trans person. It's easy to have a lot of walls up when you're afraid of being hurt or ostracized or seen differently than the other people around you. However, sometimes you meet people that break through your walls. They share your dreams of getting out. They've been hurt too, and they get you on a level most people don't.

Let's blow a hole in this town! / And do our talking with the laser beam. / Gunning out of this place in a bullet's embrace / Then we'll do it again. No more putting up with passive-aggressive comments to keep the peace. No more constantly explaining yourself to people who don't actually care. Just you, someone you care for, and the open road in front of you, off to wherever you're starting over. It feels good. It feels freeing. You'd do it a million times over.

(Okay now for the part I've been waiting for. I'm talking about both prechoruses at the same time)

How can they say / "Jenny could you come back home?" / 'Cause everybody knows you don't / Ever wanna come back.

The papers say / "Johnny won't you come back home?" / 'Cause everybody knows you don't / Wanna give yourself up.

Yes. I know this can be read as two separate people, Jenny and Johnny, being told they should come back "home," but they don't want to turn back to a place where they couldn't be themselves You can't "come back" without "[giving] yourself up". However, have you considered that they pack a massive transgender punch if you think about them as one person?

Jenny only having her name used when people are trying to get her to stay- get her back before she's "too far gone," but once they realize they aren't getting her back, the mask slips and the true colors of the people "back home" show themselves once she's already gone and they can't keep her there anymore.

Johnny running away and not even having his name acknowledged as he disappears forever. It's only used in the papers as a last ditch attempt to get him back. It won't work though. It's too late, and he won't turn back. He won't give himself up.

I'm shooting out of this room. / Because I sure don't like the company. / So stop your preaching right there / 'Cause I really don't care / And I'll do it again.

This goes back to the idea of "you don't have to put up with people being stupid and bigoted just so you can keep the peace." If it's not bringing you joy, get out. Tell them to shut up because you're not interested in their justifications for hatred.

Hold your heart into this darkness. / Will it ever be the light to shine you out? / Or fail and leave you stranded. / I ain't gonna be the one left standing. / You ain't gonna be the one left standing. / We ain't gonna be the ones left standing. Showing yourself to the world proudly, walking with certainty towards the unknown. Maybe you're left lost or blinded, but maybe you light the way forward for yourself and others. Even if you aren't the last one standing, you did something and it mattered, no matter how many or how few people it mattered to. Even if nobody knew, it still mattered.

In summary, this could be read as a generally queer song, but to me personally, it resonates more with my trans experiences than anything else. It's a lovely song about being yourself, defying societal expectations, and running away from places that make you feel suffocated in your own skin. And I think that's pretty transgender, and also pretty cool.

[mxanigel]

tagged by @mxkelsifer and @poetikat, thank youuuu <3

rules: Spell out your URL using song titles that can describe your muse, then tag as many people as there are letters in your URL

it's been ages so I'm not going to tag a lot of folx, but no-pressure tagging @druckkugelschreiber @spindleweedss @saraptor and anyone else up for playing!

I cheated a bit because X is a challenge and B.E.S.T. has taken over my thoughts, but please enjoy this peek into my OT3 brainrot~

M = My Dearest by supercell (Japanese) Even if there’s not a shred of hope left Even if my existence is no longer allowed I have faith that, more than anyone You’ll never forget me That’s why everything I have I’ll give to you now

X = Time to Fly (MaX CG RemiX) by Astra & Pooja The dizzy twist of fate That keeps us dreaming Take a leap of faith Into the blue sky You know it's not too late It's your time to fly

A = Angel with a Shotgun by The Cab I'm an angel with a shotgun, fighting 'til the war's won I don't care if heaven won't take me back I'll throw away my faith, babe, just to keep you safe Don't you know you're everything I have? And I wanna live, not just survive tonight

N = Natural by Imagine Dragons Deep inside me, I'm fading to black, I'm fading Took an oath by the blood of my hand, won't break it I can taste it, the end is upon us, I swear I'm gonna make it

I = I'm Okay by Honest Men You've got me feeling like I'm okay Hope the feeling never goes away Own the night, embrace the day The feeling's staying, never goes away

G = Gone Too Soon by Simple Plan (Shion @ Rena ;_;) You were always there like a shining light On my darkest days you were there to guide me Oh, I miss you now, I wish you could see Just how much your memory will always mean to me

E = B.E.S.T. by Laur Elle (because I'm obsessed) Not so fast I'm not ready for a love like that I'm so used to giving all I've got And coming up with nothing left We gotta take it slow There's something different in your touch, I know I said I wouldn't, but I can't not try

L = Love You Like That by Dagny I'm not always clever with the words I use You want something deeper, yeah, I know you do But right when I hold you, don't you know the truth? One look in my eyes and you should know the truth

[lil-melody-moon]

Year summary #1

Oh God, I should start the year summary XD A loooong summary - I like to talk ^u^

Okay, so firstly I wanted to talk about changes, right? Right! *plays Led Zeppelin's "Coda" in the background for a good vibe*

This blog went through a major change. From the look and URL to posts - including the personal ones and creation of "talking corner" tag where I babble about everything.

I have this blog since December 2013 I believe and until July this year it was a fandom blog, believe it or not. Mainly anime fandoms and some game's ones. There are some old blogs which are following me since the beginning - you impress me people - and they probably remember what a miserable shit I was, especially between 2019 - 2021. Those were the years when I was mostly engaging with the fandoms, not living in real world at all, thanks to my shitty friends I had back then - I won't name them here, this post is not for it, but I ceased any contact with them and since the beginning of this year I started to feel a lot lot better.

Changes started at the end of 2021, but kicked in for real in this year. I had to finish my first degree and think what to do with myself and you know. Before changing the URL from "palamecian-melody" to "lil-melody" I was still writing fanfiction (I still am, but it's more of a thing for fun, not for publishing), publishing it, making it a bigger part of my life, but then in June I started feeling that this thing bothers me.

You see, writing takes a LOT of time. You want to seem professional when you publish something and you are focusing on it more and more. But the degree was more important and I started to realize it, but then again, coming out of fandoms and writing when you did it for most of your teenage years is not an easy thing. It's almost like an addiction. So here we are in this summary, at the end of June.

I was literally sitting in my room, wondering what to do with my life and how to get rid of engaging in fandom things. I figured out that I want to make a second degree pretty quickly. Three years ago I signed for two degrees, choosing only one and that was polish philology. It helped me grow up, make up my mind and finally have my own opinion - I was a very quiet girl back a few years ago. So I thought that the second degree should be library and I'm not regretting this decision. There's a shit ton to do, but I'm having fun!

Then there was the habit of engaging in fandoms. I can call it even a toxic one, because there were days I only thought about fiction, how to make it so I could write things for it - creating ocs is another thing, I'm doing it basically since I was very little and like the writing which stayed with me, it's for fun, I'm not focusing on it. And so, I figured that perhaps spending more time with my family would do. And it did! OH MY FUCKING GOD IT DID!

So now we're in July, when my bachelor degree was almost done in half, I was still angry at my promoter, but it was the time of the year, like in each one, when mom was starting to search for new music to download and to listen to, so I just sat with her in the living room, watching some playlists. I was starting to feel the old love for music, heck it was a time when I already started digging in the music theory and I actually started thinking about an instrument to play on - I got a classic guitar, the guitar is my darling now <3

And then that one day happened when I came back to heavy metal entirely. Why? Because on one playlist there was a fragment of System of A Down's "Chop Suey!" being played. I heard them for the first time, saw Serj for the first time, heard Daron playing on guitar for the first time and then I started searching for their music. I fell in love with them, literally. And ironically enough! The fragment which was played was at the exact time when the verse starts with "Wake up! Wake up! Grab a brush and put on a little make up!" ending with "Here you go, create another fable". It was the day everything started changing.

The URL change was done, I decided to unfollow every fandom blog - leaving one or two because of how amazingly talented the artists are - change my entire blog and start digging in the bands's tags. And then, with my first System's post, showing - of course - smiling Serj and with small description which actually is a silent "thank you" to him, I started be more active here. I started to be more open to people, had some moments where I learned from my mistakes, I started going on strolls - which I always loved - came back to old bands - Metallica and Led Zeppelin my beloved babies, I'll talk about them tomorrow - and generally I wanted to be a better person. Plus, I started caring about my health, I came back to living in real world and I never want to leave it again, no matter how shitty it can be sometimes.

Sure, I still watch anime, play games, read books, but I don't feel like changing the entire work, just because I didn't like one thing or two. It took a few months, but I finally grew up - not entirely, but I did and I want to move in this direction.

Personally, I thank Serj for the change which happened in my life. I will be forever grateful to him, his music and the fact that I can live in the same time period as him, even if he doesn't know about it. If his music didn't come into my life, there probably would be someone else who would make the change happen, but I'm happy it was him <3 My parents played a big role in this as well, allowing me to study more while not going to work, but I still think of getting one, but ya know. Time will tell.

The rest is history - as in, the blog stands for the change, I'm in this point in time, having amazing mutuals because of all that happened. And I'm glad that it could happen, I'm feeling more confident and most of all I'm happy for my life and I like who I am.

There's this mask that fell off my face, which I wore for many years. I will let it rot in the place that it fell, I don't have a need for it anymore. And hey, maybe I'm really creating another fable, but ya know, it can be finally my personal fable, without anyone's' "good advice".

[wriothesleysgf]

hiii delilah ! please do take a break from this site. i understand how exhausting it can be especially when there’s a wave of negativity, hate and overall toxicity on the dash. i have taken many breaks over the course of last year bcus of mutuals getting doxxed or hate anons filling up my own inbox and it becomes too much to deal with and makes your safeplace not feel safe for you anymore. please treat yourself gently and kindly and take time away from this hellsite bcus i promise you when (and if) you come back you might feel a little bit refreshed and relaxed enough to stick around for a little before you need another break from this overwhelming place and thats okay ! ! take time to go out and do stuff you’d enjoy if possible. treat yourself to your favorite snacks, drinks, foods and movies/shows. make time for yourself and have fun no matter what you choose to do. im only one person behind a screen hiding on anon rn but i care abt you and i hope you know that all of us that support and love you do as well. i hope you’re doing alright n ily ! <3

hullo ! ! gonna use dis post to pop a couple updates.

i'm okay, i promise. i've just had an absolutely terrible day. as i see it right now, i have two choices. i could stay here, or i could move blogs. i'm entirely undecided on this, though i am leaning towards the former. this would involve me likely changing my url and my alias — kind of a fresh start, you know? yeah. . . the more i think about it, the more i want to do that.

for me, tumblr has always been a positive thing. it's helped me kick some rather destructive habits and allowed me to grow tremendously as a person. thus, i won't be deactivating. i think that i just need to hit reboot, and surround myself with positivity again.

[wonwoonlight]

📣: boyfriend!wonwoo // fluff // somewhat suggestive // 445 words

A/N: feels like its only right that i come back (even tho i just rested for like 2 days HHAHAH) with a wonwoo work so here u go (◔‿◔) another notification that this is winternight-wonwoo who changed her url into wonwoonlight T-T thanks for the req, anon and enjoy!

find the rest of requested drabble here

"I really don't think it's safe for you to sleep on the very edge of the bed, Won," you say as you look at Wonwoo who's looking the other way from his side of the bed.

It hasn't been long since you start dating Wonwoo even though you've known him for years. As a friend, he has stayed over some times when the gang decides to hang out on your place and too bothered to go home.

As your boyfriend, this is the first time he's staying over and this is a new territory to the both of you. You realize Wonwoo's trying to respect your boundary by making space between the two of you, probably because he's unsure if you're comfortable enough in his proximity.

Which is stupid because, if anything, you've been dreaming of sleeping in his arms since the longest time ever.

"You can come closer," you tell him, trying to convince him he doesn't need to keep his distance. "Unless you don't want to, I guess."

Wonwoo quickly turns around and scoots closer after that, not liking the last bit of your sentence. "Why wouldn't I want to?"

You giggle at that, already knowing Wonwoo's weak at those kind of words. "Dunno. I figure you're staying away because you don't actually want to sleep with me."

You expect him to deny it immediately, but instead you're greeted with silence at the sight of him being flustered.

"Won?" your hand goes to the side of his face, caressing the skin there.

He mutters something under his breath, voice so small that you don't catch his words even with this much proximity.

"What did you say?"

Closing his eyes before exhaling another breath, the way he's suddenly looking into your eyes is so intense that you almost blush under his gaze. But nothing prepares you for the words he's about to say next.

"I'm just afraid I won't be able to hold myself back if I'm too close to you."

Wonwoo has expected you to laugh, or maybe even scoff and then brush him off. What he doesn't expect is you immediately casting your eyes else where, biting the inside of your cheeks as you do so.

"Would it be okay if I say you don't need to hold back?" you whisper shyly, eyes focusing on his neck instead so you don't have to look at him in the eyes.

Your voice is small, but Wonwoo hears you loud and clear.

When you look up at him again, it's because his thumb is tilting our chin up, forcing you to look at him. His gaze tells you you won't be sleeping, after all.

[granny-griffin]

Hi guys! This post has content warnings for the following: suicide, incest, abortion, politics, and swearing. I've tagged this post for all of the above, so you should add one or all of them to your blocked tags if you don't want to see it. Stay safe friends!

@arists started a conversation with me on this post. I'm making my own post now so that I don't clog up op's notifications with our discussion. I'll post the relevant screenshots here, but I'm including the link so that you can fact check what happened if you want.

#1 (op's post)

Image Description: "A screenshot of a twitter thread. Sarah Chavez writes, 'It's not hard to see what a pro-life world looks like. It looks like a world with a lot of dead women in it." An article is linked, but the url is cut off. Emily Gould replies to the first tweet, saying, '"Amnesty International reports that suicide now accounts for 57 percent of deaths of pregnant femals ages 10-19 in El Salvador." That's what a "culture of life" looks like.'"

#2 (in the notes of op's post)

Image Description: "granny-griffin replies, 'This. Suicide is an evil we have to prevent. But murder is NEVER the answer. I'm not sure how it even became a viable option. We need a better solution.'"

(note that there is a significant time gap between images #2 and #3)

#3

Image Description: "arists replies, '@granny-griffin the only other "solution" is mandatory vasectomies on males but good luck telling men what you want to force onto their bodies. ntm abortion at 6 weeks isn't fucking murder but science doesn't fucking matter to you.' Then granny-griffin replies, '@arists if you want to start a conversation, then I'm happy to talk! you can dm me or whatever! But if you're just angry, then I'm glad you found an outlet and I hope you feel better soon'"

#4

Image Description: "arists replies, '@granny-griffin go start a conversation with the women of texas' Then granny-griffin replies, '@arists I mean. I am a woman living in texas so that should be pretty easy. I'll try to do that sometime soon! It's always helpful to me to hear other people's perspectives on important issues'"

#5

Image Description: "arists replies '@granny-griffin so you're a traitor then? when you see little girls being forced to birth a product of incest you feel better about yourself? you see women who have a dead baby in their body forced to cary to full at the risk of her life and think "nice job me!!" And you've probably never adopted with makes it even funnier. youre an embodiment ignorance and selfishness.'"

#6 (private message between arists and granny-griffin)

Image Description: "granny-griffin says, 'hey I really. don't want to fight you. I know that you're upset. I think we both want to help women in vulnerable situations, we just have different ideas of how that should work out practically.' In a second text, granny-griffin continues, 'If you need to keep venting, you should do it here. That way if you say something you might regret, it won't be in public'"

#7

Image Description: "arists sends three messages. The first one says, 'I'm not venting I'm saying it how it is' The second one says, 'I've dealt with ill-minded christians like you my entire life I know your strategy' The third one says, 'now go back to the post because I refuse to deal with you behind doors so you can appear "holier than thou" by putting on a fake image'"

#8

Image Description: "granny-griffin sends seven messages. The first one says, 'ok we can do this in public' The second one says 'give me until tonight though I've got school' The third one says 'do you care if I make a separate post? I'll copy all the previous stuff from our conversation and the main post' The fourth one says, 'I just don't want to have a whole conversation on op's thread' The fifth one says, 'it would feel disrespectful almost?' The sixth one says, 'like they have their whole point and I don't want to completely de-rail them' The seventh one says, 'but if you aren't cool with moving them then I can come to wherever is comfortable to you'"

#9

Image Description: "arists says, 'go ahead'"

to preface—airsts I'm still not totally sure what you want out of this. You aren't obligated to respond to anything I say—just like I'm not obligated to respond to you. We don't know each other, and this is kind of an unfortunate way for us to meet. Still, I hope we can have a productive conversation going forward. I'll go through everything and ask questions. You can respond to as many or as few of them as you want.

#3:

The only other solution to what—suicide? unwanted pregnancy? incest? Is that really the only other solution? What are some policies you would like to see implemented to deal with each of these?

How do you define murder? How do you define what a human life is? Are there particular scientific facts or theories you make use of in your definition? If you have time, please either explain them, or reference an article/book/other source that does. I would like to learn! But I understand that fact checking is a lot of work so if you're too busy I understand.

#4:

(A note here—my knowledge of the situation is not as thorough as I would like it to be, but from what I know I'm not satisfied with the way abortion restrictions are being implemented in Texas. What are we doing—reporting each other to the secret police or something? Notifying the authorities of a crime is one thing, but why is there a finder's fee? Why are we sueing each other? This kind of thing will only breed corruption and mistrust.)

#5:

Huh, what am I a traitor to? Women? Is there a point of view that is specifically the "pro-women" point of view? Traitor makes this sound like a war—are there sides? are there good and bad guys? Who gets to define all of this?

No, I don't like it when girls are forced to birth a child conceived in incest. What are some ways that this situation could be prevented? Do you think that easy abortion access could ever perpetuate abuse by allowing abusers to get rid of the evidence of their actions? Is providing abortion services to victims of incest worth this risk? (and I mean that as a legitimate question, not a leading question)

(Another note here—I am pretty sure children who die in the womb can still be born naturally (hence the term "still-born"). But again, my knowledge here is limited and my issue with abortion is largely because of the harm it does to the child. If the child is dead already, and abortion is the only way to remove them, then I don't have a problem with this.)

Do you think adoption is the only way to take care of vulnerable children? Did you know that people who adopt sometimes need help raising funds to do so, or need help with babysitting, or need meals made and chores done for them? Did you know that mothers who raise their own children need these things too? Is this an attack on my argument, or an attack on me (ad hominem)?

#7

Sorry to assume you were venting—I should have asked what your purpose was instead of making assumptions.

Okay but do please tell me—what is my strategy? I am curious to hear your psychoanalysis of me and my goals.

Arists, I'm really sorry if I came off as "holier than thou." I'm not a better person than you. I know that I think I'm right—everybody does. But I do want to be open to hearing and learning from your perspective. Even if you don't change my mind, you can increase my empathy, and that's extremely valuable to me.

okay, that’s it! I’ll wait for your response!

[akane171]

Karamel😍😭😍

Yupp, just leaves a hole in your heart in the same way😖

We do not have a body count🙄 What's yours? Pretty sure you have at LEAST one there already 🤨🤨🧐

HAHAHAHAHA okay then, I'll try to keep this in mind for next time 😉😂 (Oh, btw, "Stay With Me" by Danity Kane is another good song that reminds me of Karamel, tho fair warning, I always just go with the lyrics videos, so no idea what might pop up if you klick on anything else😅 Or, you know what, wait, I'll just put a link: https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=%23&ved=2ahUKEwiQuPehxaf3AhWxQvEDHef-DWsQ8TV6BAgLEAI&usg=AOvVaw0VTJzWxrN8ZFOD4xbU2nov)

Well hermit in the metaphorical sense (tho not having to deal with people sounds SO tempting😉) and yes, I do kinda love them for being all hermit-y, too😁😂

Uff, Yeah, I feel you! I can barely handle any protagonists nowadays, they're just such IDIOTICAL HYPOCRITS😖😖😡😭 And even worse are female protagonists, it's like authors think all female protagonists have to be Wanna-be-Mary-Sue-Good-Girls who care more about boy drama than what's really important😑😑😑 (Can we go back to having female leads like Hermione Granger or Annabeth Chase?? They were just brilliant, I need more of THEIR kind)

HAHAHAHA yess, Ben just IS😉 The beloved King of Narnia for a reason😉😍

I DIDN'T like the update..... I LOVED IT!!😍😍😍 Fingers crossed LW's curse will strike again and you'll write even more chapters😉😝😜

Hey, I DID comment, it was just more chaotic cause I didn't get around to watching/listening to all at once🤷🏻‍♀️😂 But okidoki, I'll try to keep this in mind, too😊

I LOVE Poets of the Fall, they are SO underrated😍🙈 I heard "Carnival of Rust" first Thanks to a Pandora Hearts mmv and then kinda found a bunch of amvs with their songs, it's just...😍😍😍🙈 And Chasing Twisters kinda reminded me of "Night of the Hunter", don't even ask me why, just popped right into my head while listening🤷🏻‍♀️😅😂

The Lyrics sound angsty!🙈

Well, I could just follow LW's example of possessing a computer🤷🏻‍♀️😂 Or come back as a Ghost🤔 I don't even care as long as I get to read😂🙈

PS: Yess, they are Endgame and I could just cry of happiness cause their Development was just chef's kiss!!😂😂💃🏻💃🏻 Tho I'm still not too sure what I think of the last season... 🙈

Omg, yes, my thoughts exactly!! Like, they're just semi-perfect parallels of each other, even Karamel and Captain Swan's development with the early fighting/arguments and still helping each other, Killian/Mon absolutely falling first, Emma/Kara being reluctant to accept the reality of their feelings for each other, Killian/Mon always being supportive bfs just absolutely supportive for their girlfriends, even Killian and Mon having fucked up parents and a past they are ashamed of is brilliant! Oh, and of course the Villian(Pirate) vs. Hero(Savior) thing is a nice parallel to how they portrayed Kryptonian as mostly good vs. Daxam as terrible😂 THEY EVEN LOOK TOO SIMILAR! Dark haired dude with blue/grey eyes? Check! Blonde haired girl with light colored (green/blue) eyes? Check! Kara's cape and Emma's jacket they alway wear in "hero-mode" are even both red! And Killian and S3!Mon's tendency towards black! 

Tho I gotta say, I actually grew to like Regina as a character and while she had times in which she was a cruel bitch, she did pay for that and work hard to be better, sooo🤷🏻‍♀️🙈🙈🙈 Sorry?🙈🙈

Oh, and Wait, how much do you know about CS's happy end? I have something else I could mention, but I don't wanna spoiler you🙈🙈

XXX

Yes, KARAMEL TT

Don't change the subject ==' write karamel fics =='

So far 0, but it may change if LW won't respect her sleeping hours and you won't start writing =='

With your picture in my hands, story of a broken heart - welll.. yeah.... sniff

I mean, this is what healthy couples do, right? So aside of how much I starve for some content - good for them. And for us, becasue it means they are ok ^^

When we will get a good fantasy/sci-fi WITHOUT romances and boy dramas? Like, can't we focus on amazing, fresh, mind-breaking PLOT and STORY instead of romances??? IT's how you know show or a book sucks - you focus on relationships, because they are the only thing is interesting or makes sense (and in SG case, even that adidn't make sense, sigh).

I recall him more from Westworld XD The fact he can play charming kings, badass villains and broken drunken assholes says a lot about the range of his talent :D

Thanks and NO THANKS ==' I stricktly believe that you can't expand a stroy too much becasue it became a shit. That's my philosophy of a writer *violin music*

Thanks, and i will listen to the rest tomorrow, today is the day for napping. Sigh. I was supossed to write the final chap of Holding on to your soul today *stares into the void*

Oh, I think Carnival of Rust was my second Poet's song I have heard and loved it. Had some sad fanvids for GundamSEED made in my head (when he sings "Dont walk away when the world is burning" - the main male protagonist dying on a hostpital bed and the doctors trying to save him, while her, waiting in the waiting area....)

Well, in Chasing the Twisters there is something about horses and saving the souls, so it fits. Also, I think it fits canon Mon-El i n a way, but don't ask why.

Friend... you don't know how to do it, so just maybe stay alive =='

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah, exactly. Someone should piss scs and write captainswann and karamel crossover and piss SQSC eternally.

I liked Regina in the beginning because she was really a solid character and villain but then she became like... sluggish like a jellyfish? That constant moaning and ending with doing wrong choices - ugh. The same went for Gold. On some point I had enough of both of them. And i liked REgina when SHE WAS the evil bitch xD

I guess I know spoilers, so spill the tea.

Btw? One of my fave bands released the pirate song and it fits our pirate karamel AUs xD

the song is called The LEGION of the seas xD

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[estrxlar]

The Ghost Of You

15 - In Love, For Real

This chapters songs:

Frame Of Reference: Drug Store Romeos

Baby Blue; Stevie Dinner

Magic Wand; URL

- Y. L. Perspective

"Koushi, I don't even really care about it anymore. He's not gonna be trouble, " I quietly him, waiting for him to mumble something. Instead, he kept looking down at the floor below him in silence. After giving him a summary of our history I could only assume Sugawara felt bad for assuming that Oikawa was an issue.

"I was just scared; with the way you looked at him and hid when you saw him, I assumed you felt unsafe or that something had happened between you and him. But I'm sorry. I know approaching the situation with 'I'll beat his ass' isn't exactly the best solution to finding out what happened," He giggled. Koushi was extremely angry with the idea that I was in the same room with somebody who might have done something to or with me. Oikawa only wishes.

His shoulders become soft when I pat them with my left hand. We had just gotten to my house after coming back from the gym, exhausted from the practice game, even if we hadn't played. Koushi leaned back onto his car, putting his hands into his pockets and sighing. "Spring is around the corner,

Y/n," he says in a gentle tone. "If it's okay with you, I'd like to take you out a lot during that time. Even if we're just friends."

'Just friends? Is that what he thinks we are?' I furrow my brows in frustration. After much panic and distress from this entire situation with Koushi, I wasn't expecting him to turn all "friendly" with me. "..friends?"

"Uhm..since you haven't made up your mind yet, I wasn't sure if you were gonna tell me something or not. I'm just saying: if things don't work out, I still want to keep you as a close friend. You mean a lot to me," he explains, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

I stop leaning on his car and stand in front of him. I wasn't sure why I did it, or what I was thinking, but I knew that I had something to say. I just stood in front of him and looked down at my tennis shoes. "I already know what I want, Suga. I just don't know how to tell you how I feel. I've never felt so at home with somebody. Not the way I do with you. I don't think I've ever cried as much as I do when I'm with you, which is the most embarrassing thing ever. And I..." my words trail off when his hand meets my jaw and lifts it for my eyes to meet his. "I think I'm in love with you, too, Koushi."

His lips part slightly when I whisper to him, churning a pit of butterflies in my gut. I'd never genuinely felt so weak under his grasp. I'm an independent and strong girl who never lets anybody take control of me— not until I'm under the grasp of Koushi Sugawara. He runs his hand up my waist and onto my back, pushing me further into him. To my surprise, he doesn't kiss me like all the other times. Instead, he wraps his strong arms around my back and holds me tightly against him, tucking his face into my neck.

"Y/n...I'd been dying for you to tell me that," he says as I ease into him, breathing in his scent. He smelt sweet, fresh, and masculine all at once. Every time I inhaled I melted in his hands simply because of how good he smelled.

I closed my eyes and embraced my love for Koushi through the hug, feeling his heartbeat call to mine through our chests. What I felt for him was something completely different than anything I've ever experienced. Knowing that all this time I was so in love with the guy and I hadn't noticed made me feel like an idiot.

But of course love him. I smile just thinking about holding his hand and seeing his lovely face. When his warmth fills my body, I feel at ease. If I catch myself fantasizing about his lips on my skin, my muscles stiffen and I scream inside. And when he kisses me, every hormone—every nerve— every vein— everything goes wild. I wouldn't even be able to imagine the impure things I want with him without short-circuiting. In every bitter situation, I stumble upon, there he is to catch me, to tell me that I'll be okay. How could I not get myself into this mess?

I didn't care about the consequences. I wanted to fall into deep, beautiful, painful love with Koushi Sugawara.

"Y/n." My eyes shutter open at his call for me before I pull away slightly to look at him. "Is it okay if I stay over for a little bit? I wanna spend some alone time with you before leaving."

I nod my head, smiling. "Of course, come on, let's head inside."

-

Sugawara swept off his jacket and folded it in half, placing it onto my nightstand. "Hey, do you still have the hood I gave you the day of the party?" He asks me while I'm rummaging through my drawers to find something comfortable to sleep in.

"Ah, I do! I completely forgot about it until you mentioned it; sorry I kept it for so long," I say, pulling out his black jacket from the bottom drawer where I kept things people had lend to me. I hand it to him, bowing slightly."Thank you for letting me use it."

He puts his hands in front of me, backing up a step. "No, no. That's alright. I was just wondering if you had kept it. But you can, if you'd like."

"Oh, I don't know. I think I'd feel too bad!" I whine, setting it down on my desk. The sweater sure was comfortable and soft, smelled like him too. But it was his, not mine.

He chuckles, saying, "that's okay, Y/n. They're free from the team anyway. And besides, it's nice knowing you have it with you." After that, he turns to peek his head around a few of the corners in my room, his eyes searching for something.

I set down the jacket and take out a pair of soft sleep shorts and a large blue t-shirt. "What are you looking for, " I ask him, pulling off my black sweater.

"Your cat, I just found her, " he says, reaching under my bed for Astra. At first, meowed in protest of being picked up, but soon settles into Suga's lap when he begins petting her. "Are you gonna change clothes? Don't worry, I won't look." He laughs and turns to the wall and continues stroking Astra's back.  "When did you get her?"

"The cat? Around two years ago. She's tiny, isn't she?" I trade my pants for the shorts. After changing into my sleepwear, I climb onto the bed and lean over the ledge of it, looking down at Koushi and my cat. She purred and burrowed into his hips, turning and twisting. "I think she has a little crush on you, Suga."

He laughs at my joke, places Astra back into her comfy spot under the bed, and stands up. The two of us look at each other for a second, waiting for one of us to do something. Koushi takes initiative, sitting down next to me on my bed and laying back. "So.."

"Hm?" I fall back next to him, reaching for his soft hair. My fingers twirl around his silver locks, pleased by how gentle and thin they were. Then, I switch from my back onto my stomach, leaning onto my elbows for support, and observed Koushi's resting body. He looked so peaceful when looking at me. It was almost as if staring into his eyes could make time freeze.

He turned onto his side, staring right back at me. "C'mere," he whispers, pulling me towards his chest. It was so sudden that I couldn't have even said no—not that I wanted to. Koushi pulled a few pillows under our heads and blankets over our bodies, making us warm and comfortable. "Are you tired?"

"Yes, it seems late nights are our thing now," I recall the many times I'd stayed up so late just to hang out with Koushi and the long days that came before them. Nonetheless, it was all worth it in the end."Did you wanna talk?"

He sighs, stroking my head. "Only if you wanted to. For now, I like this."

I stay quiet, wondering what we were now.

'Two people who love each other, but are too scared to say something. That seems sad, right? Or maybe it would be best if we both wait for just a little to become a couple. What does being a couple mean exactly? Would I have to hold his hand when I see him or kiss him every time we meet in the halls? Sugawara is a man with desires and needs. Eventually, he's gonna try and go further than I've ever gone before and I'll turn my thoughts into physicality.'

It didn't seem all that bad. Sharing my love and trust with Koushi makes me feel like I'm safe. The only risk I'll be taking is feeling disturbing, dreadful pain when I leave for America. But did it matter if I loved him so much?

"Koushi," I mutter under my breath. He hums in response, waiting for me to continue my sentence. "What if things don't go the way we want to? I'm scared that by the end of our third year, we'll be separated from each other."

He tightens his arms around my back, putting our chests together. What I asked must have bothered him in some way. "We'll be okay, Y/n. It's all worth it if we get to be with each other for a little bit, right? I know you have some big plans for your future. I don't want you to give that up. So I promise we would be able to figure out something before you leave, okay?" He pulls my face away from him for a second to kiss my nose.

I close my eyes humming in comfort of his words. He was right; As long as I'm able to make the best out of my last year in high school, then I'll be as happy as ever.

"Yeah, okay. And if it's okay with you, can you stay the night? I just like being next to you," I say, growing shy. A cup his cheeks in my palms, not taking notice of how I stared at his lips. It wasn't a secret that I wanted him to kiss me.

As expected, he nods, putting his forehead against mine. His hazel eyes are far too close for me to gaze at, so I look at his features further. His man nose, his perfect skin, his special little beauty mark. My thumb glides against it as my knee meets with his, making us intertwine legs. 'I'm as close to Koushi than I've ever been at this point—I can feel his pulse,' I think, gulping loudly when he brushes his nose against mine.

Finally, he closes the gap between our lips, softly kissing my lips. I close my eyes soon after and pull him further towards me with my arms around his neck. I was dumbfounded at how much of an idiot I was for not realizing that this entire time the feeling Koushi would give me was more than just investment in a good friendship, but in a relationship as well. The more time I spent with him the more I got to realize those feelings. And when he had confessed so romantically, that's when everything had hit me. I was in love with Koushi since the moment he tapped my shoulder in math class to tell me his name and age. If only I could have been with him sooner, then we'd have more time to cherish with one another.

I pull away from him for if only a second, blushing ferociously at our intimate moment. "Y/n, I love you." He whispers to me, kissing my lips one last time before pulling my head into his shoulder. And with that, the two of us dose off in each other's hold, thrilled by the idea that we were in love.

-

my vote :) ty for reading and have a nice night/day. I love you always <3

- estrxlar