#i hate this. i hate my body sm. i hope i die this week so i don't have to deal with any of its shit

[daz4i]

they should invent a my body that has less than infinite issues!!!!!!!

[thegoddessseris]

I dont know if your taking any writing requests rn but from your masterlist can you possibly by chance write about one of twdg characters having an eating disorder? (clem or vi work ^^) im asking bc im currently struggle with an eating disorder (im getting better) and if you dont want to write those i will take no offense to it! Thank you sm!!

ROTTEN FLESH

a twdg one-shot.

Summary: Clementine has trouble eating when suddenly, after being bitten, what she's been through all comes back together.

TW: death, eating disorder, basic twdg stuff. I warn you that it may be difficult to read this, people can be trigged, read at your own responsibility.

World Count: 785

A/N: I tried to express and contextualize it as best I could, I'm sorry if it's not as you imagined. I hope you're fine!

How much we have taken care of our bodies! We washed it, dressed it, looked after it, shaved it, quenched it thirst, fed it. We took it to the tailor, to the doctor, to the surgeon. We identified with this pet. We suffered together with it. With it we shouted, We loved. Of it we say: it is me. And suddenly this illusion collapses. What do we care about our body! We only relegate it to the rank of servant. All it takes is for anger to become a little more evil, for love to become inflamed, for hate to spread, for fear to become a little more present, and the conviction vanishes, with the importance of our body.

Is your partner surrounded by walkers? You will save him! Nobody can stop you. Did they bite you? You don't care.

Leave those shreds of meat as a pledge to anyone who wants them. You thought you cared so much, but instead you realize that's not the case.

The pain in the leg persisted for weeks, but over time it stopped bleeding and healed.

But the pain didn't stop.

That pain remained persistent, it remained in the shadows at the corner of the room, the ghost of my leg that I still seemed to be able to move, in the nightmares that kept me awake at night, in the smell of rotten meat that every food released.

In that feeling in my stomach, like it twisted and my sense of smell screamed every time I had food in front of me. But for some reason, they didn't seem to understand it. They thought I had a medical problem, when in reality it was very clear my mind was playing tricks on me. Lee would know how to help me.

Lee.

I often dream of him, but they are not those sweet dreams in which we are together on the train, but nightmares in which I am forced to see him die repeatedly. To see his conscience abandon his body, and his flesh prepare to rot.

And I think it's because finally, after all these hectic years, At Ericson Boarding School, we stopped and had the time and the chance to catch our breath, it all hit me at once. All the losses. All the pain. All the corpses who had rot.

''you have to eat, Clem.'' Violet repeated to me softly like a mantra. But every time I looked at the plate, I thought I saw that rotten meat, and I couldn't help but want to throw up. That feeling of disgust and hatred I felt when I looked at the rabbit meat on that plate didn't go away, no matter how hard I tried. I might as well stop trying to eat, I just couldn't.

I might as well have starve to death.

A few hours had probably passed, and Violet was sitting with me on my bed, trying in every way to get me to eat something, with little success.

''Clem, what's wrong with you? If you don't eat you won't have the strength to use crutches'' she insisted, looking at me with a worried expression. I only avoided her gaze, with my arms folded on my lap. ''Clem, talk to me''

''you…don't understand'' I replied, closing my eyes. That rotten smell was bothering me, even if it wasn't real.

Maybe it was me who was rotting away, not the food.

''then let me understand!'' said the blond haired girl next to me, in a slightly higher tone of voice. ''Talk to me Clem, please.'' she said in a pleading voice.

''After I was bitten… something in me changed. I thought I would die, that my fate would be the same as… Lee's.'' I said in a small voice, opening my eyes and sighing, still avoiding her gaze which I could clearly feel on me. ''But then AJ saved me. And we had time to rest, to be at peace. And this is what I've been waiting for my whole life, but by taking a break, by stopping running… it all came back at once, and it overwhelmed me.”

''What do you mean?'' she replied in a worried tone, and when I turned to look at her, I could see the concern on her face.

''I remember them all. All the bodies of the one who I loved.. their bodies rotting.'' I said.

''We were children, and we are thrown into a war bigger than us,'' she said softly, putting down the plate she was holding and placing a reassuring hand on my shoulder.

''And what does that make us?'' I said. This was the only reality I fully experienced.

Not yet corpse,

still, we rot.

If you are having a hard time, or are having trouble with an eating disorder, seek help. Talk to a trusted adult or contact an appropriate helpline in your area. You are not alone.

[imthetunnelunderoceanblvd]

Not sure if you’re taking requests but would you be willing to do some more kink stuff with Lyle? I would love if you could do the nsfw alphabet with him and other smutty headcanons. (I totally think of him as having a MASSIVE spanking and domination kink)

Thanks!!

omg i suck at writing hcsss 😭😭😭 this turned out half headcanons half drabble i hope u dont mind. n i wont do the entire nsfw alphabets thingy it takes sm time n i don’t have enough time atm..

lyle x reader

nsfw alphabets hcs + a drabble abt lyle eating reader out.

in case you wanna read the drabble and not the hcs scroll all the way down to the second divider.

warnings: (the hcs) mentions of: anal, degrading and praising, breast fucking, ice play, wax play, domination, ass and pussy spanking, foot fetish, facials, queue play, spitting.

warnings: (the drabble) smut. vaginal fingering, anal fingering, overstim, slight foot fetish, anal sex, spanking, degrading, praising, spitting, pet names, ass to mouth.

a is for anal. he’s def into anal. he just loooooves how tight your butthole is, the way you squeeze his member while you climax it just drives him crazy.

b is for breast fucking n play he lovessss sliding his wet cock between your tits while you suck on the head od his cock it makes him go crazyyyyy.

d & p are for degrading and praising. he just looooves calling you names such as ‘my good little slut’ ‘daddy’s pretty fucktoy’ he loves the way you look up at him with doe eyes when he degrades n praises u.

d (again.) its also for dominationnn! he hates it when you try to dominate him cause in his opinion, you’re a cute little thingy, you can’t be mean you don’t know how to be mean. but also enjoys it when you boss him around!

f is for feet. you can’t tell me he doesn’t have a slighttt foot fetish. not in the weird i wanna fuck your feet sniff them and lick them way, but in a gives you foot rubs n kisses ur feet while placing them on his shoulders.

f (again) is for facials!!!!! he loves finishing on your face, cover your pretty face with his white cum, the way it makes your face glow and look like a glazed donut.

q is for queue if you’re a native na’vi or a recom and hes laying beside you while you’re sleeping he can’t help the tent that forms in his boxers and he’s so nice he doesn’t want to wake you up and bother you, he simply just reaches for your kuru and pulls down his boxers just a tiny bit to free his cock and lets the pink tendrils tightly engluf the head of his cock and keep it in it’s warm embrace.

j is for jokes he’s so silly when he’s fucking you, loves to crack a few jokes every few minutes.

s is for spanking and spitting!!!! he lovessssss spitting on your clit and rub it in with his fingers, loves spitting in your mouth, on your asshole, your tits. he also loves spanking you, if hes eating you out - sucking on your clit to be more specific - he has to give you a little slap, if hes fucking you from behind? he HAS to land a few slaps, just something about the way you whine and whimper makes him even harderrrr!

w is for wax. he loves it when he pours wax on your body and you yelp.

i is for ice he doesn’t care about it really, he just loves the way your moan and close your things around the sides of his head when his warm tongue makes contact with your pussy after he runs the ice cube all over your pussy.

you were lying ontop of lyle in your bed, head resting on his chest, cock deep inside your ass, his arms around your waist and he slowly ran his hands up and down your spine, making you let out shaky sighs every now and then.

he was punishing you for not touching yourself when he was out on a mission even though it’s been weeks since he last touched you or let you touch yourself! you were scared! you didn’t want to die from all the pent up sexual tension, you had relieve yourself, your poor cunt all sticky and throbbing, so when he walked in on you, two of your fingers knuckle deep inside your tiny hole, pumping in and out as tears coated your cheeks he felt almost bad for you, and he knew he’d have fun.

“oh no, is my pretty slut feeling needy today? what did we talk about? huh?” he said shaking his head in disappointment and you let out a choked sob “m sorry daddy. couldn’t take it anymore, tis too much,” you said and looked up at him with doe eyes. he felt good about torturing you, be likes the way you sound so deseprate and needy like a bitch in heat.

“tsk tsk tsk,” he said walking closer and closer to your shared bed now and sat down facing you, the mattress sinking underneath his weight. he slapped your hand forcing you to take the two fingers you had shoved inside your cunt and got dangerously close to your cunt, blowing cold air into your heat making you buckle up your hips before pushing you down on your back and looking up at you.

“you made daddy really mad you know that, doll face?”

you shook your head and let out a few ‘i’m sorry’s and ‘i won’t do it again’s between sobs. you looked so perfect and innocent, he could already feel his dick hardening under his cargos and boxers and groaned at the sight of you, legs perfectly squeezed together, perky tits, pussy begging to be touched as a drop of your juice falling from your opening and rolling down your ass.

“i don’t know if i can forgive you, buttercup, might as well just punish you again for another week, you know i don’t like it when you disobey, right?”

he knew what he was doing. knew how his words are going to affect you and as he expected, your eyes widened and you shook your head, apologizing all over again, telling him you wouldn’t do it again.

“how bout this, i will make you cum, for as much as i want, and if you can do it, i’ll let you have my cock, how does that sound? hmm? you like that baby girl?”

you nodded your head like an idiot saying yes, yes, yes. you deserved it! you waited weeks for him to touch you and he grabbed your ankle, landing a kiss on the top of your foot, to your legs, your knees, your inner thighs, and stopping where you needed him the most, face only a few inches away from your abandoned clit, his hot breath fanning over your cunt making you ache more for his touch.

he finally gave in and planted and a kiss on your clit before pulling away and spitting directly onto your clit, the act made you buckle up your hips for more, his hot spit landing directly onto your clit like a bullet made you see stars, and before you knew it he was already spreading it with his fingers and his mouth french kissing your puffy tiny clit.

you started to moan softly when he stuck his thumb inside your cunt and his index finger circling your butthole.

almost an hour passed and you have already came three times on his face as his index and middle fingers pumping in and out of you, ring and pink doing the same thing inside your asshole. you were sobbing and moaning his name like a prayer, begging him to stop but he didn’t listen he had to make you learn your lesson his goal was to make you cum so much that you can’t take it anymore, beg him to stop, you were already begging him to stop but he didn’t want to, the taste of your cum, the sweet moans coming out of your mouth it was all too much for him that he already freed his hard cock slowly stroking and moaning into your cunt.

that feeling again - the feeling of something building up inside you - and then with another curl of his fingers, the tips hitting your sweet spot - it snapped and you came around his fingers and on his tongue “s-stop - please, can’t take it anymore want them out right now! please stop i can’t ta-” he cut you off by his fingers roughly hitting at your g-spot and you closed your thighs around his head squeezing him there and squirming while pushing his head away. he looked up at you with a stern expression on his face while shoving your thighs away revealing your pretty cute once more.

“stay. fucking. still.” you were too weak to respond so you just cried like an idiot and his heart clenched at the sight of your crying.

“hey, hey, baby girl, listen, how about you give me one more and i’ll give you my cock? how does that sound?” you nodded and sniffled as his rough thumb wiped the tears away “that sound good?” you nodded once more and he grinned getting back into his positiong between your legs.

he was quick to dig in, like a hungry beast, devouring your sticky puffy cunt, his hands spread your butt cheeks before he slowly licked a stripe from your butthole to your cunt stopping at your clit and taking the little bundle of nerves in his mouth sucking and rolling it between his teeth as you let out a whsiper like moan and his ears twitched at the sound.

he inserted two fingers inside your asshole thoroughly scissoring them inside to stretch the tight ring and he shoved his tongue inside your cunt the flat bridge of his nose nudging your clit and your rolled your eyes to the back of your head as you saw stars.

you felt that same knot form inside your for the fifth time this day and knew you were close, his mouth opened and latched into your full cunt sucking your juice up, tounguing at your utheral while his teeth pressed against your clit, he let go and sucked on your utheral instead, rutting into the bed as he moaned taking you deep deep down into the ocean of pleasure all while his thumb tightly pressed on your clit moving it in circular motion.

you let out a loud moan while you climaxed. he drank the nectar your body offered and scooped some up with his fingers rubbing it on his chin and chest as if it was something blessed.

woah... second n probably the last time i’ll be writing something that includes feet cuz... anyways requests r open if ud like to request sumth just please don’t request gross stuff.

@tieflingteeth

[shingia]

Hello!!! I love ur fics sm 😭💖 This is weirdly specific and been plaguing my mind for days,,, Can I req an angsty fic where Atsumu broke up with the reader because he wants to chase his dreams and ultimately leaves but with the reader saying "I'll wait" . A few months later he seeks for the reader again and finds out the reader has terminal illness and is dying. You can decide if there's major character death or a miracle,,,, please and thank u so much!!

𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐨𝐭𝐬𝐮𝐛𝐨 - 𝐚𝐭𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐮 𝐱 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

aw thank youuuu <33 and also WOW this request is in-tense, i modified the ‘terminal illness’ part a little bit for plot convenience, but i rly hope you’re gonna like it ! i am : stressed. also, i’m a sucker for happy endings (just ignore my last bokuto fic) so i couldn’t go full angst on that one 😅

quick storytime : my great grandpa died from heartbreak and i always thought it was a beautiful (yet very sad) way to die, so i guess that’s where i got my inspiration from <3

⤷  atsumu x gn!reader | angst | word count : 1.7K

warnings : hospital environment, heart condition, mild description of ‘illness’ and mentions of death (a little)

your first kiss with miya atsumu had been sloppy, dizzy, with a strong scent of rum and smudged lip balm all over your lips. but there was no doubt that it had been the best kiss of your entire lives…

…just like your last had been the worst. 

two months later, atsumu still couldn’t forget the salty taste of your lips that begged him not to leave. if he focused hard enough, he could even remember the feeling of your hands desperately clinging to his jacket in a last attempt at making him stay by your side.

but he didn’t, and as much as he hated himself for putting an end - even temporary - to what had been the most beautiful chapter of his life, he had never regretted his decision ; and he knew exactly why. you had promised to wait for him, and in pure egoism, he knew and hoped that you would. because no matter the distance, he was still madly in love with you.

which is why he did not understand why osamu was so outraged when he told him that he was finally ready to come back to you. but the younger twin knew things that his brother didn’t - he had seen you let yourself waste away, like nothing else mattered without the one you loved.

but more than that, atsumu did not know about the secret his brother promised to keep. he did not know that, two weeks ago, osamu had found you unconscious in your living room with an alarmingly slow heartbeat. the poor boy had not understood everything the doctors had told him - but whatever a cardiogenic shock was, he knew that it would have carried you off if without his intervention.

however, you had been categorical : atsumu shouldn’t not know about this, under any pretext. you refused to be a burden to the pursuit of his dreams for which he had already sacrificed so much for. but now that atsumu was back, something about this promise didn’t sit right with his brother. and so he decided to tell him everything.

« …most doctors thought about a standard heart attack » he told him after explaining the situation, on the lookout for any impulsive reaction from his brother. « … but one of them talked about something else. you might want to sit down ».

but atsumu couldn’t care less about his brother’s advice. actually, he didn’t care about anything else than you right now. it was already taking a lot of effort for him to stand there listening to samu instead of being on his way to the hospital - but he stayed. for an obscure reason that he didn’t really understand, he stayed.

« did you know that people can die of heartbreak ? » osamu asked, more serious than he had ever been in his whole life. 

the blonde twin felt like the ground had suddenly swallowed him whole - although his brother was trying his best not to sound too accusating, it was more than obvious that whatever situation you were in was because of him. and only him.

« no they can’t » he tried to protest, not even believing in his own words. panic was beginning to win him over - and in a matter of seconds, he lost all his composure « WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU NOT MOVING ? LET’S GO ! » he shouted, already opening the front door. at that moment, one question burned his lips, but he knew he would never have the guts to ask it out loud. 

‘did i kill them ?’

——

the steady beeps of all the machines around you were the only thing disrupting the deafening silence of your hospital room. you were sick of spending your days alone. but you had no right to complain, osamu had offered to come and see you after work every day, but you had politely refused. well, politely was a big word… your body was so exhausted that you had trouble articulating simple phrases, and therefore exclusively communicated through nods or hand gestures.

your phone had been confiscated and the doctors kept you away from the news - or at least from the negative news, because they knew that your heart might give out at the tiniest emotional distress.

which is why you were so surprised to hear a knock on your door at about 3pm, outside of the nurses’ shift hours. knowing that you were too weak to talk, osamu let himself in, slowly closing the door behind him before coming closer to your bed.

« how are you doing ? » he asked, resting his hands on the other end of the bed. you shrugged, pointing at the IV and all the monitoring surrounding you. as long as these machines were there, it was hard to feel better than just ok. « listen, um… someone is here for you. the doctors said i could bring him in, but i wanted your authorization first… » he started before clearing his throat. « atsumu is back. do you- are you ready to see him ? ».

ready was probably not an appropriated word. but after two months spent pretending that he was still laying next to you in bed every night, still texting you good morning every day, still sending you the dumbest memes at the most random times, it would have been a huge mistake to refuse osamu’s proposition.

and so he let him in. obviously, atsumu had orders from the doctors and his brother : don’t run, don’t move too fast, don’t speak too soon, don’t touch them without warning. but nobody had asked him not to cry. and how could his eyes stay dry when you looked so fragile and so vulnerable ?

osamu quietly left the room, leaving the two of you together not without apprehension. but if there was one thing he could trust his brother on, it was taking care of you. two months could not have gotten the better of four years of relationship.

but as much as he cared about you, atsumu had always been - and still was - pretty bad with words. and the first ones that left his mouth were a great example. « are you going to die ? » he asked in a shaky voice, brows knitted.

you would have given him an answer if you had one, but you didn’t. the doctors said that you had gone through the most painful part, but the risks of aggravations were still too important to let you go home. you were not 100% safe yet.

« i told you i’d wait » you spoke in a hoarse voice, the beep of your heart monitor getting a little bit faster.

the steps atsumu took towards you were slow, like he had been told, but just one glance at his eyes was enough to know that deep down, he was dying to feel your skin against his.

« i know you probably hate me right now. and for good reasons » he started as he sat on the chair next to your bed, still painfully avoiding any contact. « but there’s something i need to tell you, in case… in case… well, if something were to happen ».

his eyes lingered on your fingertips, blue and cold, and his whole body tensed at once. the thought that everything you were going through had been caused by his own selfishness was driving him crazy. but he had one last thing to keep himself grounded, and that thing was exactly what he was about to tell you.

« i love you. but i caused you so much trouble that i think there’s only one way to prove it… » he said, taking a deep breath before finally resting a timid hand on your arm. « i want to marry you. right now. i don’t fucking care if it’s not considered official, i just want you to know that leaving you was probably the biggest mistake i ever did. and that i’m not leaving ever again. so fuck it, let’s get married ! you almost died, life’s too short to plan a stupid ceremony ».

he stopped for a few seconds, panting from his teary monologue and paying attention to any beep or other sound that might indicate that he had made things worse for you. but it seemed like you were doing ok. how could you not be ? the love of your life had just proposed to you - sure, it wasn’t how you had imagined it, but wasn’t it even more beautiful like that ?

the tears that started rolling down your cheeks were undoubtedly tears of happiness and relief to know that, finally, your life was back to normal. atsumu was your normality, and for the first time in two months, you finally felt like you had a purpose. you had no idea if soulmates existed, but what you had with atsumu seemed more than close enough.

if someone had entered the room at that moment, it’d probably have taken them several minutes to understand what was going on. two young adults, crying yet smiling, one of them laying on a hospital bed looking like they had been through hell and back, and the other tearing off two pieces of his t-shirt and looking genuinely proud of himself -  nothing about this made sense.

« my apologies, it was the easiest way to make us rings » atsumu chuckled, eyes still blurry as grabbed your hand in his with infinite tenderness. slowly, he tied the piece of cloth around your ring finger, loosely enough so that the doctors would not consider it dangerous for your blood circulation.

« i’m keeping that until you’re getting out of here. by my side. » he affirmed, pointing at his own makeshift ring before looking right into your eyes, as serious as ever. « and i’m also keeping you. forever. consider this my wedding vows »

as much as he hated to phrase it like that, you could both die in peace now.

i spent so much time on medical sites to be as accurate as i could, i felt like meredith mf grey for a few hours

@toworuu @catwithangerissues

[percyjacksonfan3]

The Last Olympian Thoughts

So because I have absolutely 0 self-control or restraint when it comes to this series and its characters, and for The Last Olympian in particular, I could not put TLO down. Because of this I figured I couldn’t do the usual photo reaction posts I have been so far, because the spam would just be ridiculous, so I am stealing the idea from @yourstrulytaaay​ to do a masterpost instead. (Adding a Read More cause this got ridiculously long)

Fun fact, TLO came out right after i finished reading the series for the first time so it's the first PJO book i bought  and my only hard cover one for the og series. I checked the year and turns out it was published 2009, which means i was actually 9 when i read the series for the first time. I realize this is not really a fun fact but i thought i was older when I first read the series so it's blowing my mind a little ‘cause now I’m 21 and everything hits different and i still have so much love for this series and the characters Okay onto book thoughts: - i was right that this book is gonna destroy me, the first line alone made me so excited and nostalgic it's ridiculous - I love Rachel and Percy sm tbh. Her being a bit of peace and normalcy in his life without always reminding Percy of who and what he is is so good for him. Just a little escape

- of course by the end of the book that's not the case any more but by the end he's lived his prophecy so he doesn't need it as badly, plus he and Annabeth are solid again - Percy saying Annabeth has been hard to be around lately... Ouch my heart. Luke really is the last thing that keeps them from being together and Percy is so jealous and Annabeth so torn and in pain, i feel so bad for them both

- Beckendorf 🥺🥺 - the telkhine with the Lil Demon lunchbox!! I forgot about him. Percy: 'i left him alive, partly because his lunchbox was cool' is one of my absolute favourite lines tbh - Paul taking Percy crabbing and being imperative in helping Percy kill the giant crab 💖 Paul Blofis is important and deserves the world, okay? - aw Percy, you can't save every demigod bb

- 'i had to fight him eventually. Why not now?... What difference would a week make?' Oh Percy you have no idea - real talk tho, the fact Kronos possessed Luke's body would also mess me tf up. Percy keeps forgetting it's not Luke anymore and yeah, that would be so so hard and confusing af, like what another smart little mind game for Kronos to pull on top of everything else - the fact Percy fights Kronos before getting the Achilles Curse and actually doesn't die within seconds is... Astounding. He kicks him in the chest! And yeah Kronos is weaker and still adjusting to Luke's body, but Percy is having trouble fighting Luke cause they used to be friends - Percy breaks Kronos' time magic!! Like?! Boy is POWERFUL.

- OUCH - honestly Luke, Thalia and Annabeth's family breaking the way it did... Don't talk to me. Poor Annabeth, Luke betrayed them, Thalia joined the Hunters because of Luke's betrayal so she's pretty much AWOL all the time and then Luke dies. Like Rick wtf, my heart can't take it? -Percy and Tyson having each others backs when talking to Poseidon in the underwater palace is the brother-brother relationship we love to see - Percy trying to stick a sand dollar in the vending machines at school 🤦🏻‍♀🤦🏻‍♀ - the whole underwater interaction at Poseidon's palace? Perfection. Awkward family drama and all - Connor falling out of the tree when he sees Percy because he's so excited 😂😂

- 😭💖

- k, ik Clarisse isn't perfect but tbh if i was a child of Ares whose father was disrespected and hated by my fellow campers (ares deserves it but still) and that disrespect trickled down to how the other campers treated ME (which if Percy is reliable here, it obviously does) then i would also be irritated at being used for muscle and nothing else? And just expected to fight with the people who act as if they'd rather not have Ares kids around the rest of the time. Like Clarisse isn't totally wrong - Percy reading the prophecy, seeing he's meant to die and just being like 'i do not see it' and refusing to outright think about it makes me so sad for him - (but it taints every action after and he's super reckless afterwards bc of it- including finally breaking and accepting the Achilles Curse) - (also him taking this as the last straw and finally beginning to show Annabeth how he really feels, cause fuck it, he's dying anyway) - Give me more info about Rachel's backstory and family Rick!! -  how did i forget Percy willingly eats chocolates that taste like cardboard because 'i didnt have anything against cardboard' like sir? Ik Silena didn't want them but still? - 'she'd always been cute, but she was starting to be seriously beautiful' STOP, MY HEART CAN'T TAKE IT - Percy staring at Annabeth and forgetting what they're talking about cause hes so distracted 👌🏻

- hmm yeah... For some strange reason.... - i forgot how Percy totally bombs this convo bw them and now want to cry 😭 Annabeth is trying to talk about what's important and Percy, you sweet oblivious man, you're shooting her down without even realizing - love that they're both on the same wavelength tho. Percy two lines before, hmm it's cool to date ppl from other cabins, wonder why im thinking that around Annabeth, my best friend in the world, and then Annabeth a beat later, hmm, let me bring up Silena and Beckendorf and how it's important to be with the people you love when you have the chance, no way Percy will miss this huge hint right? - they're the best - k i honestly forgot Percy full on physically intimidates Leneus like that - luke telling his mom if he ran away the monsters wouldnt get her..i can just imagine luke crying when he says good bye before running away because he thinks it's his fault his mom is like that and he cant take care of and protect her anymore because it's too hard - uh oh now i have angsty pre-lightning thief luke fic inspo... Him, Thalia and Annabeth on the run... The ANGST -  Rick holds absolutely nothing back in this book and i am in pain - HESTIA!! 💖💖🥰 - actual loml - i love that Rick titled this book after her and that he wrote such a great series about the importance of family (biological, found or otherwise) and home, and that he said actually Hestia is the most important bc shes the most humble and keeps the peace and knows when to fight and when to yield and you protect what you love, which is your home - i just... Adore Hestia - Grover! Missed you babes - Hades is so so horrible to Nico, always comparing him to Bianca :/ - but i do love Hades, Persephone and Demeter together they make me laugh - oh god the River Styx - Achilles 🥺 - Annabeth being Percy's lifeline is, and continues to be, A Lot™ - 'my name was Percy Jackson. I reached up and took Annabeth's hand.' LOL Why am i crying? - Like the fact there is no Percy without Annabeth, and that remembering her literally reminded him of who he is in his very soul... It's fine im fine - i won't even get into the parallels of her being his lifeline now and then later when Hera takes his memories but leaves the memory of Annabeth for Percy to fight to get back to (anyone who wants to yell about it with me... Feel free to message) - badass Percy is my fav Percy tbh - him defeating Hades?? Like? Hades is arguably the most powerful god, okay - i feel bad for Nico but if i was Percy I'd do the exact same, Nico, sorry man but this is a high stakes time crunch deal and Nico is literally the only hope of persuading Hades and distracted by his own internal stuff - flashbacks to Luke, Thalia and Annabeth hurt, ow - George and Martha are the best - damn i forgot Hermes full on nearly kills Percy here, yikes - Luke stop cockblocking Percabeth challenge

- i love!! Percy's love for New York!! So much!! - Percy leaving to live in New Rome in HoO is a lie and this is all the proof i need for why - the fact the entire last half of the book is the battle and aftermath... Such great buildup and pacing. All the tricks and twists and battles in this War of Manhattan? I would not take out a thing, Rick, you legend - of course then the final battle in hoo with the gods is what? Two pages? Ugh, don’t talk to me about my hatred for BoO and HoO - 'no detours you two' is still the cutest thing!!! - THE HUNTERS!! Thalia i missed you - good job Percy, you finally spent your sand dollar - Minotaur!! - 'dont i get a kiss for luck? Its kind of a tradition right?' Percy finds out he's gonna die and is out of fucks to give and honestly I support him - also Michael just standing beside these two while they're flirting like umm 👀 👀 while a monster army marches towards them, nbd - Annabeth taking Ethan's knife meant for Percy!!! Cause she just knows his weak spot without him even telling her! They literally invented love - Feral Percy is so scary omg, i love how well Rick incorporates the Achilles Curse in this novel, with the whole heightened weaknesses and stuff ans the parallels to Achilles arrogance being what killed him and Percy's loyalty, fierceness and protective instinct being his own heightened weakness - the fact that Percy is the one who inadvertantly kills Michael Yew tho, I'll never recover from that - the fact Hades offers Maria di Angelo a golden palace by the Styx like how Poseidon offers Sally a palace under the sea tho. Let's talk about that parallel - the entire talk with Prometheus is so so good - not me picturing young Luke hiding in the closet to get away from his mom when she has an 'episode' -i love callbacks in stories and all of the callbacks to the rest of the series in this book make me very happy (medusa, minotaur, the underworld, Rainbow!! My baby!!, Daedalus and more) - Percy summoning a wholeass hurricane against Hyperion - the Party Ponies! They're so chaotic, i love it - Dionysus! 😁 I can't help it, i love him - Percy absolutely losing it when he sees Sally and Paul asleep in the car 🥺 - Rachel telling Percy he's not the hero screws with him so much :( poor bb - although i really really love how Rick wrote this, it's so refreshing to not have one chosen one save the world, but a combination of people - the drakon, Silena and Clarisse make me cry - the Patrochilles references, im not okay - Annabeth giving up on Luke after hearing what he did to Silena and Percy telling her that doesn't make him happy 😭 that whole interaction makes my heart ache - Percy giving Hestia Pandora's pithos 🥺 - and Hades, Nico and the others coming for a final attack is so badass, i love it - listen im glad the og trio were the ones to confront Luke on Olympus but the fact Thalia got so close and then pinned by a statue of HERA makes me so sad. Ik her and Luke were finished and she coped by cutting him off completely and giving up all hope but i would pay money to know what they would have said to each other to say goodbye - Ethan 🥺 - Poseidon joining the fight against Typhon is so cool, such a great scene - 'PEANUT BUTTER!' - Annabeth you brilliant badass you - RIP Luke, you werent great but you werent the worst either - the gods just rolling up seconds too late, wondering wtf happened in Olympus and who the dead body is - the chapter where the Olympians meet and give out rewards is one of my absolute favourites (again i am incensed we didn't get anything like this in HoO) - will Percy turning down immortality ever not make me scream in glee? No? Alright then - Annabeth being relieved like Percy was relieved at the end of Titan's Curse tho - oh Hermes :/ - its so hard reading all this and knowing what comes in HoO... Like it's such a cathartic, earned and mostly happy and peaceful ending and then HoO comes along and undermines it all - aww Rick let Paul see Olympus somehow pls, he deserves it, he killed a dracanae - (i would also love to see it) - Percy being more upset Rachel took his pegasus than her going to Camp and possibly dying, lol, priorities dude - i honestly think that Rick had other ideas for the second Great Prophecy and how things would go down in BoO, cause the prophecy like... Barely applies to BoO, Doors of Death are in book four, and explabations of it is all so unclear when Rick is usually pretty good with that stuff - PERCABETH - lol Percy complaining about privacy when he and Annabeth are caught kissing literally in the middle of the very open and public dining pavilion, okay - BEST UNDERWATER KISS OF ALL TIME - that's it and im a glass case of emotion - very happy to say that this series remains my favourite of all time 💖

 If anyone ever wants to come gush about anything Riordanverse related feel free, because as you can see I have a lot of thoughts about it all

[loniereads]

cr: Sufficiently Advanced Magic

*spoiler warning*

Chapter 1 - 5

Chapter one

“I was prepared in a thousand different ways that didn’t matter” - Me for every test I’ve ever taken ☺️✨✨

Omg is he gonna go look for his brother 🥺 This book said found family but make it literal - side note, love the name Tristan.

I hope it’s explained as to WHY hundreds of 17 year olds are enduring a judgment to their possible death????

Imagine you’re brother going basically missing, your mom leaving, and then your dad pulling you out of school so you can prepare to possibly ✨die✨

“It could take years to grow strong enough-” 🥺 He’s going to sacrifice years of his life and risk certain death just for a chance to reunite his family is this book gonna make me cry?

I don’t like his name as much as I like his brothers but yanno whatever- how do you even say Corin

I already hate the dad??? Hello? Your first son is gone and your second could follow in his fate and you don’t even see him off?? Fuck you buddy why are book dads such assholes

“I loathed hurting people. I always had.” so i have decided that if anything happens to Corin I will kill everyone in the room and then myself. WHAT A CUTIE SWEET SOUL

If this book forces him to hurt someone I’ll riot-

Oh my gosh he hates fighting but he’s willing to fight for his brother I LOVE HEALTHY BROTHER RELATIONSHIPS they’re so pure

Corin is so nice to try to explain all of this weapon stuff and rune stuff to me like I have any idea wtf he’s talking about- he’s talking and I’m like I’m just happy to be here ☺️

I feel like the fact that he’s paying for everything he takes is important- like maybe other people just take and don’t leave anything? But he’s like here’s a coin for you scary tower~

“It was too cute to die” why do I love Corin so

What a cute ass sweet ass cinnamon roll, my god🥺

HE FELT GUILTY FOR KILLING A SHADOW SNDKDNSK I love him sm what a king

Chapter two

Why does everything he say sound so intelligent

ldmoaha not Corin having a convo with a book

It’s been too long since I read a normal romance book why did my brain just decide to ship Corin and a BOOK

Ok but him taking time to ask about his brother has me so soft

What the flip chapter 2 was so short??? ):

Chapter three

“You shouldn’t have done that” how ominous and amazing and I love it

He so casually was like OH LOOK A DEAD BODY OH LOOKIE PEOPLE

Omg is he gonna find his brother in here- OH MY

OMG HE DID AHHHHH

just... kidding. He did infact not find him.

Oh wait someone younger than him though- so is going into the tower a choice? That would make it a little better. Like you decide when you go in or? I NEED MORE INFO PLS

The word resh is growing on me

He risked his gold key on her 🥺

I love this little merry band of criminals- also just hoping the kid doesn’t yanno....die

omg Keras is out here crushing stones with his bare hands 😏 hellooooo

Wait I’m so conflicted??? I want to trust Keras and Vera but I also want to trust the book alsnsish

Vera is a whole mood I really hope she’s not like evil or just a weird thing in the tower or idk whatever I want her to stay

AWWAIT ☹️☹️☹️ They left Keras behind- that can’t be it. He’s gotta come back right? Like book person is gonna save him? Right!!??

Chapter four

VERA SUCH A BADDDDIE

This ‘kid’ they’re carrying is just making out like a bandit, he’s just getting carried through the tower 😂

WOW FUCK YOU VERA??? UH I HOPE SOMETHING KILLS HER-but not rhe kid 😔

Okay this might be a weird jump- but WHAT IF THE BOOK ENTITY ISSSSS HIS BROTHER??????????? Like the book person seems to really care if Corin lives? so it’s either just like a really caring person, OR HIS BROTHER

Pls let me be right

That would be so cool

The book entity helped him to finish the rest completely? Is this allowed? This feels not allowed

Corin: fighting monsters with criminals in a magical tower, very time sensitive needs to escape quickly

Also Corin: lemme just wrote a little diary entry ✨☺️

So obviously he’s going to get to keep his memories

Also like he got out of the tower so easily? What?

“And don’t let anyone hassle you about your attunement.” HOW VERY OMONIOUS OF YOU TO SAY

Honestly- Fuck Magnus Cadence

REPLACEMENT? What?

His childhood bestfriend is his half sister? I love that???? Instead of making them love interests they’re half siblings that’s cool as hell. We love childhood friends to siblings trope

I will reiterate, FUCK MAGNUS CADENCE

I hope we get to see their friendship bc I’m here for this trope

Chapter five

🥺 he sent the boys glove to his parents I’m so soft

Their relationship makes me so happy?? Like I love this. So they better reunite or I’ll riot

BROTHERLY RELATIONSHIPS ARE THE BESTTT

I miss Keras 🥺

I am so unsure of Sera. I do love the sudden sibling, and I really really hope they end up having a cool relationship and like she helps him find his(their) brother and hdjsjdjs

If anyone gives Corin a hard time for his attunement I’ll throw hands-

Not them earning points at their schools- All I can think about how is “10 points to gryffindor”

I love the word behooves

Can they go back into the tower already 💀 This down time is killing me. I want book entity, Keras and that boy who was unconscious the entire time back.

-side note, I absolutely love how all three of them(Keras, Corin, and Vera) were all so concerned with this unconscious boy and they literally carried him to complete safety. Who is this boy?? Will he come back? I miss him he better not be be dead. Vera can die but not unconscious boy.

I don’t know if I’m supposed to like Sera... but she’s giving me “I’m better than you because I have a better attunement” vibes and I do not like that at all so if Icneed to I will pretend to doesn’t exist.

Aw the schools has like animal representatives decisions?? CUTE UM. - there’s way too many for my brain to keep up with but I love them anyway

Not them assigning kids to basically play pranks on everyone else and tell them if they don’t find the prankster kids they lose points- what a weird ass school

“You and Patrick were practically brothers” GIRL YOU CANT SAY THINGS LIKE THAT TO SOMEONE WHO HAS AN ACTUAL BROTHER WHO IS MISSING AND/OR DEAD

-Also I know Tristen isn’t dead because like then what would be the point huh? HUH? So he’s got to be alive

Or I’ll riot.

“A walking rainstorm” idk why but that is so fucking adorable. I love my new comfort raintorm, Corin.

I can’t wait for them(Corin and Sera) to meet up with their friends and they have to explain that they’re now half siblings.

Them reminding him to not lose his little sigil pin makes me feel like he’s going to lose or forget it ummmm

Imagine getting fucking EXPELLED because you forgot your pin on your other uniform.

I feel like that would be me honestly. Are people not just...forgetful in this universe??

Ngl i would hate to be in the tortoise division

Corins attunement is lamer but his division is called the Phoenix? Like that’s so much cooler than tortoise

The fact that sera is trying to convince me the Spider division isn’t real makes me feel like she’s in it???

I know my babey Corin didn’t mean this as snarky as I would have liked him to but I love this line so much.

SARCASTIC BOYS WITH DADDY ISSUES OWN ME AND IM NOT ASHAMED TO ADMIT IT

Ngl I was hoping they would have roommates- I love a good school roommate dynamic

For the third time I would like to make my opinion to be known; FUCK MAGNUS CADENCE

Why has no one made a playlist for this book on Spotify? I am throughly disappointed

Not Corin being ghosted by his book-

I wish I had half the motivation Corin has? Like it’s my boys first day of school and as soon as he gets into his room he starts studying. I would have taken a nap

Oop jk as soon as he couldn’t find the rune he was looking for he went to lay in bed.

I’m sorry what in the hell is Wyddsday??? Did I miss them explaining to hat this universe has different names for it’s days of the week?? How am I supposed to know when this is Corin? Or what day it even is currently

World building is so intricate and interesting and I absolutely live for it- but it’s literally so frustrating sometimes learning and remembering everything

Okay Sera being less irritated about her studies being interrupted because it’s Corin is cute

Fuck

I still don’t know if I’m supposed to like Sera

Tashday, Fersday, Kyrsday, Tensday, Vasday, and Wyddsday- either I can’t count or they’re missing a day. And what order do they go in? I need a calendar insert pls and thanks

Wait wait did he just run into an ex? What is this sndlsnsin “long-buried emotions”??

Oooo we get a name. Cecily Lambert

I didn’t possibly think I could relate to Corin anymore than I already do but here I am

The dorm chiefs introduce themselves to everyone? How cute and Curtis didn’t seem at all annoyed by Corin asking so many questions I love when upperclassman in books aren’t rude for no reason. It’s such a tiring trait they often have smh

I need his exams to hurry up because I would very much like to get back to the fast paced tower scenes-

I know absolutely nothing about Jin but I love him immensely

[criminalhotch]

Soul Saver~ An Ethan Dolan AU

Summary: Y/N’s soul is damaged and she is troubled. She is alone so Soul Saver Ethan Dolan comes to mend her soul. The solution to their problem was bigger than both of them. It involved someone very close to Ethan.

Word Count: 2,140

Warnings: DEATH!!, descriptions of death (not gruesome), mentions of cancer (Sean), accident, shitty friends, sadness, depression symptoms, sad! grayson, guardian angel! ethan, guardian angel! sean

A/N: This story talks about Ethan “dying” but he’s still a key role in the fic. If this is going to trigger you or you think it might please don’t read it. However, this is a very interesting story if I do say so myself. It’s a very different and kind of spooky fic so I hope you guys like it. With that being said I very much love Ethan and I hope to god I die before either twin does. Sean is mentioned however is not a key role. Thank you to @dolandolll​ for reading it and making sure this wasn’t dumb. Another thank you to @dolandrabbles​ for not reading it but boosting my self-confidence by telling me she didn’t need to read it to know it’s good. I love you both sm. 

My parents practically hated me for going to school out of state, I had zero friends here and the ones I had back home could barely bother to respond to my texts. I had a job at the local bookstore but no one there had a personality and I was too shy to talk to anyone in my classes if I didn’t choose too. The only thing to keep me company was my cat, Spook. Spook was found on Halloween two years ago so that’s how he got his name. I found him in our backyard hiding in some bushes. He was only a few weeks old so my parents let me keep him. I now lived an insanely small apartment a half-mile from campus. I kind of regret it because I think this stupid apartment is haunted. I’ll hear weird noises or random things falling but I convince myself it is Spook being mischievous but here recently I hear these things when Spook is right next to me so I know it’s not him. I truly don’t think Spook and I are alone in this apartment.

One day after my chem lecture I come home to a note on the fridge, “I’m not here to hurt you”. “Is someone in here?” I ask no one in particular. Nothing.”Come out here or I’m calling the police” I yelled. Again nothing. I realized maybe it’s a spirit. “Alright fine, give me a sign if there is,” I said out loud. A few seconds later a box of cereal is knocked off the counter but Spook is asleep in his bed. “Why are you here?” I asked. A few seconds pass before I see a transparent being in front of me. “I’m your spirit guardian angel,” he says. “I’m not here to hurt you or even scare you. I’m here to help. You’re troubled and I’m here to help your troubles” he explained. “Are you a ghost?” I asked. “A friendly spirit more like. I’m kind of like Caspar but I still have my human form I’m just transparent” this creature explains. “Alright Caspar, so what’s your name?” I ask. “Ethan” he states. “Ok, Ethan well I’m” “Y/N, I know. I’ve been here for a while. I was assigned to you a month after you moved into this place” he explained. “Assigned to me?” I asked. “Those that had a passion for helping others while they are alive get the opportunity to be a Soul Saver. We find lost or troubled souls and help them get to a good place in life” he explains. “I don’t need your charity Ethan” I chastised. “Look, Y/N, you and I both know you don’t have any friends and I’m not really here so let’s be honest with each other. No one can see me but you so no one needs to know about me. We talk, you grow from this, then I move on to my next soul” he responded. “What if I don’t want to save my soul?” I asked. “Then I’ll leave” he replied. There was a moment of silence. “Do you want me to leave?” he asked. “I suppose not” I answered. “Good, so tell me about yourself,” Ethan said. I spent the next couple minutes telling him things about me somethings were on my “file” but other things he was intrigued to know.

“What about you?  Who were you when you still roamed the Earth?” I asked. “I have a twin, his name is Grayson. He was my best friend. I’m lost without him sometimes. It’s why I do this to keep me busy or I’d go crazy. There’s my sister, Cameron and my ma, her name is Lisa. I never had any real pets other than birds because Gray was allergic but Spook and I have become well acquainted while you’re at school or work. Grayson and I were YouTubers, the Dolan Twins. Our fans were pretty fucking awesome, for the most part anyway. I had a pretty amazing life on Earth” he said. “Have you ever been a soul saver for a fan of yours?” I asked. “I get assigned to them, yes but once I figure out they are a fan I remove myself so they can get assigned someone else. The last thing Grayson needs is a crazy fan talking about how she talks to the dead Ethan Dolan” he explains. “Ethan?” I asked. “Yeah?” “What happened to you?” I asked. “It was a freak four-wheeler accident. I was home in New Jersey visiting when I turned too quickly in the woods and hit a tree headfirst. Grayson was riding around with me too and he found me. I was breathing but I wasn’t conscious. I remember seeing black and I could hear him talking to me but it was faint. I know Grayson though and he was definitely screaming. I had on a helmet but there was too much bleeding. I was brain dead. I was taken off life support which is what I truly wanted. Nothing about me was lifeless and now I’m here” he explained. “Oh god, your poor parents” I gasped. “ It was just my mom, my dad was the first person I saw when I crossed over. He was waiting here for me with open arms. It’s an experience I can’t put into words. I didn’t want to leave my mom, Grayson, and Cameron but seeing my dad for the first time since I was 19 was something I’ll never forget. He’s a soul saver too” Ethan explained. “You lost your dad at 19?” I asked. “He had cancer,” he said softly. “I’m so sorry, E. Can I call you that?” I asked. “Yeah, I’d like that. Gray always called me that and I haven’t heard it in a while” he admitted. “Do you go check on your family? Like can you do that?” I asked. “Yeah, we can do that. My dad and I visit them at least once a day” he admitted. “How are they doing?” I asked. “Grayson’s lost. He doesn’t know who he is without me. Cameron’s doing the best. My mom, she struggles really hard some days. I wish I could hug her one last time. My dad and I both do.” he sighed. “Your family seems amazing”. Before I knew it tears were streaming down my face. “Hey, what’s wrong?” he asked. “You’re so young and you were so loved. Why did you have to die? Your poor mom. Your family needed you especially after losing your dad” I sobbed. “It’s ok, Y/N. We all have a plan and that was mine even if I didn’t know it. Do you want to go see them with me?” he asked. “I’d like that” I sniffled.

Before I knew it we were standing outside his family home in the countryside of New Jersey looking in. Grayson was eating avocado toast but he only had taken a bite or two. He was off into space. “Grayson’s not eating” I commented. “He’s a light eater anymore. He barely eats, he doesn’t work out.I’m so worried but there’s nothing I can do” he tapered off. Lisa was drinking coffee in the kitchen and feeding Gizmo, their bird. Cameron was getting ready to go somewhere as she had her coat and gloves on. All of a sudden I heard sobbing as I look around I realize that it’s Grayson. “I miss him ma, I miss my other goop. He was my best friend. We did everything together. I’m so alone without him. I’m so lost. I don’t know who I am without Ethan. I’m no one without him. We were the Dolan Twins and now I’m just Grayson” he sobbed into his mom’s chest. “I know baby, I miss Ethan too but you two will always be the Dolan Twins. He’s not alone though Grayson. He’s got your dad beside him now remember?” Lisa reminded him. “Ethan, can you be Grayson’s soul saver?” I asked pulling us out of the gut-wrenching scene in front of us. “Only if his soul needs saving,” Ethan said. “Look at him, E. He has no soul because he lost it when you died. He has no light in his eyes. They are dull. His body is slow and deliberate. You are his soul. He needs you” I explained. “I never thought about it like that. I never knew what to do” he replied. “Go save your brother and come back to me when you’re done,” I told him. “I’m assigned to you though. If Grayson doesn’t have a file then I can’t just save him” he explains. “Ethan there’s got to be something,” I said. “Wait, what if the reason I’m your soul saver is to bring you to Grayson?” he asks. “I don’t even know Grayson” I answered. “You both have something in common though,” he said and I gave him a puzzling look. “You both need a little soul-saving,”.

-----

I’m not sure what it was exactly but I felt my eyes jolt open. Was I dreaming? Was it a nightmare? I don’t know but either way, I had an overwhelming need for coffee. Maybe I just needed some fresh air. I went to the campus Starbucks and ordered my drink. Shortly I heard my name being called so I walked over to the counter to grab my drink and as I did someone bumped into me causing me to drop my freshly made drink. “I’m so sorry,” the voice said. The person looked almost in tears. I had never seen him on campus before but he seemed familiar in a way that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. “It’s ok, you didn’t mean to. I’m Y/N” I said. “I’m-” “Grayson” I interrupted him as it all came to me. “How did you know my name?” he asked. “This is going to sound crazy but I know your brother,” I said. “Ethan? He’s dead” he whispered bitterly. “I know, listen to me. I just had a dream or something along those lines. Your brother is my soul saver. It’s kind of like a guardian angel thing and I think he brought me to you” I said. “That’s not funny. That isn’t something to joke about. I don’t even know you” he said defensively. “Grayson, listen to me. An hour ago you were crying to your mom about how you missed your other goop. Ethan showed me. We were there. I’m not messing with you. You’re broken. Your brother is a soul saver. He cares for real people whose souls are damaged. I’m alone and I have no one. He was there for me. He was telling me about your family so we “visited” so to speak. I saw you crying and told him that you needed someone. He couldn’t be your soul saver because your soul was gone. It died alongside Ethan. I’m here to help you” I explained. “Can you see him?” he asked. “I could, I don’t know if I can anymore” I explained. “He loves you though, I know that. He told me about your dad. He’s a soul saver too Grayson. They’re doing well on the other side” I explained. “Can I buy you another drink and we talk some more?” Grayson asked tears threatening to spill out of hazel colored eyes. Even though there was color in them there was no light or life past those irises. “I’d love that”. I smiled. “You were at my house?” Gray asked. “We stood outside. We could see and hear everything inside. It broke my heart watching you breakdown to your mom” I said. “I miss him, Y/N” he whimpered.

I quickly figured out I can only see or talk to Ethan when no one else is around. He comes around to check on Grayson and his mom every once in a while. Grayson and I had coffee dates two to three times a week for the next month or two. I think he was starting to find light in the world again. “Grayson’s doing good, E,” I said. “I know, thanks to you,” he said. Then there was a pause. “You’re doing good too, Y/N which means I can’t be your soul saver anymore,” he said. “But what about Grayson?” I asked. “You are his Earthly soul saver and he is yours. I realize now my job was just to bring you to each other. It’s obvious to me that you two are soul mate so please take care of him. It’s your job now. You know dad and I will be around, Y/N. I’ve done your soul-saving. It’s time you guys really kick things into gear and do some soul searching” he said. Then just like that my soul saver vanished right in front of my eyes.

​

[okayoonoh]

best part (1): lee taeyong

“you don’t know babe, when you hold me and kiss me slowly, it’s the sweetest thing.”

---

- PAIRING: lee taeyong x reader - GENRE: ANGST ANGST ANGST, a little tiny tiny smut in there but it barely counts tbh - RATING: it’s a good M for mature. - WORD COUNT: 4,514 - WARNINGS: it’s sad and there’s a little smut in here. it’s not super explicit tho.

a/n: this honestly makes me sad, but i need to learn to write angst and simply doing it is one of the best ways. i hope you guys like it :,)

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---

Knock, knock, knock

“Y/N please, let me in.”

Your heart aches at every knock. Every fiber of your being is telling you to keep that door shut, to keep him out and forget about him forever. It’s easier this way, for his career and your’s. Everyone knows that nothing about this is okay, you know it and he does as well.

And yet, why do you find yourself standing up and walking towards the door?

You take slow steps walking towards your front door. You hear his knocking becoming even more desperate, almost as if he thought that the louder he knocked, the quicker you would open your door. 

“Y/N please… just let me in. I just want to talk to you...”

Your hand comes in contact with the doorknob, tears still spilling out of your eyes. You keep telling yourself not to open that goddamn door, over and over like a mantra in your head.

And yet, you find yourself turning the doorknob and looking into those wide tear-stained eyes you told yourself you’d never see again. The second the door opened wide enough for him to enter, he wrapped his arms around you, holding the back of your head, pressing your sobbing form against his body. You grasped onto the grey sweater he was wearing, sobbing. You want to break away from him. You want to live far away so you’ll never have to see him anymore. You want to push him away. You want to live a life without him. 

It’s crazy, really. 2 months ago, your mindset about him was complete the complete opposite. 2 months ago, you thought you’d never push him away. 2 months ago you were his best friend, the one friend that stuck with him when he became an idol. You told him everything and he to you. Any little issue and accomplishment, he told you. Any little exam you passed and depressing mood you’ve been in, you’ve confided in him. You never thought you would ever want to let him go, he was your lifeline, the one and only thing you’ve ever wanted to hold onto for the rest of your life. He was your best friend, your ride or die. He made you feel so safe and accepted every when you were at your worst. So, why are you sitting here, the most confused you’ve been your entire life, about him? Someone you used to be so sure, so confident that you would never, ever, have to worry about him of all people. Why him?

---

4 months ago

---

“Y/N! Open your door! I have news!” 

You move your laptop to the side as you walk towards your door, rolling your eyes. You know that voice like the back of your hand. You twist the door handle and pull, greeted by the excited expression of your best friend.

“Hyunzie? Why are you here at 10:00 at night? I thought you were at Sicheng’s place?” you quip.

She rolls her eyes, already walking inside of your apartment, “Wow, I love you too. But I was at Sicheng’s place but this news is way too important for me not to tell you now!” 

She stalks over to your kitchen, making herself and you a cup of tea. 

“Okay, Hyunzie, if it’s this important, why are you making me tea?” You ask while accepting the mug she hands you. 

“Because I would like to ‘spill the tea’” Her eyes light up, waiting for your response. 

You give her a true, mint condition, authentic, fake laugh, “Ha ha. Seriously, Hyunzie. I was finalizing some reports while watching the last episode of ‘The Amazing Irish Cooking Show’. What is so urgent that you had to cut me off from Moira taking home the gold?”

“Okay, first of all, Moira doesn’t even win, second of all, why are you so sassy today?” 

“Hyunzie.”

“Fine Mr. Grumpy Pants I’ll tell you. So, I’m just going to tell you the most important thing now since I don’t think you want the build up. We’re moving to Seoul.”

“Hyunzie, stop messing around, just tell me the news and go home, it’s getting late.”

“No, Y/N, I’m being 100% serious. You remember how Sicheng and Taeyong sent in your song to SM? They’re offering us a job!”

You look your best friend directly in her eyes. You know when she’s lying, but none of those signs are being shown right now.

You stutter, “We-- We’re leaving? You’re not kidding me, right? And-- and us? Did they--”

She purses her lips and nods, “Yes! Sicheng sent in my artwork as well, they want me to work for them for their next comeback! We’re moving to Seoul!”

You open your arms, enveloping Hyunzie in the biggest hug. Tears threaten to spill from your eyes. You did it. You’re finally getting a chance to be heard. You can finally put an end to your mindless desk job and do the thing you’ve dreamed of doing ever since, well, ever. 

You separate from the hug and press your hand to your burning cheeks, trying not to freak out too badly. “So, when do we leave?”

Hyunzie doesn’t miss a beat, “As soon as possible. Sicheng has already laid out a place for us to stay until we find a place. I’m ready to go whenever you are. I know it’ll take a while for you to actually quit your job and stuff, but I’ll help you pack and everything! We’re in this together Y/N.”

You nod and grab your laptop from where you set it down. “I’ll send in the 2 weeks now.” Hyunzie nods back, grabbing the remote and pressing play, putting your favorite show back on. 

A couple hours past and Hyunzie fell asleep on the side of your couch when you added the final touch to your reports and your two weeks notice. You yawn, looking towards your best friend. Your heart fills with so much love knowing that she is sticking with you throughout this entire event. Ever since her secret relationship with Sicheng started, she’s been nothing but the best version of herself. No, Sicheng is not the man who “magically” changed her, he knows that, but he also knows that Hyunzie doesn’t need him. Hyunzie and Sicheng compliment each other so well, not one personality being overshined by the other. The sneaking around between the two is something that most couples would hate, but due to the secretive and private nature of the both of them, they find it thrilling to flirt in the shadows and act as complete “strangers”.  

If Hyunzie never took the chance to talk to the cute regular who showed up in the cafe where she worked, you would have never had the chance to even send in your music to SM. Sure, Taeyong could have given you the inside scoop, but you never wanted to seem like you were using Taeyong. Sicheng was willing to stop by and he felt the same about you and your music. He agrees that your music should be shared and with the help of Taeyong, your music now has a greater chance than ever before. 

Ring ring ring

Your ears perk as you look at the caller ID. Speak of the devil.

“Y/N, it’s me! Did Hyunzie tell you the news? I’m so sorry, I finally got a free chance to talk to you, I’m actually in the States right now with the rest of the member--”

“Hey Taeyong-ie, and yes, Hyunzie is actually sleeping on my couch at this very moment. She told be the information like an hour ago? Look, I can’t thank you enoug--”

“Nonsense, I’ve always known your music should be shared. I just didn’t know what time would be best and apparently Sicheng just sent it in today, and I wasn’t even there to see everyone’s reactions!”

You giggle, “Don’t worry about it, Youngie. I’m still in shock with everything right now.” 

“I know, it’s a crazy feeling isn’t it? I can’t even remember what went through my mind when I passed my audition.”

“I honestly am not sure with anything I’m feeling, but I have one thing for certain.”

“Hm?”

“I can’t wait to work with you on the daily. It’ll be just like when we were kids.”

You can practically hear his smile through the phone, your heart flutters at the thought. 

“I know Y/N! It’ll be just like old times! I can’t wait for you to meet the rest of the members, I just hope Johnny and Jaehyun can turn down the flirtiness when you get here. We have no room for any relationships, except for the godly couple of Hyunzie and Sicheng, they are the exception.”

“Amen. Well, I just finished my two weeks. I’m going to send it in tomorrow and begin packing as soon as I can.”

“I’m glad! You can do so much better than that mindless job, Y/N. I always knew you could… You’ve always been so -- What? What do you mean Xuxi broke the entire light structure? -- I’m so sorry Y/N, I have to take care of this. Look, text me if you need anything, I’m down to help you with whatever you need. We leave the States in three days, so I’ll be home to help you by then. I’ll see you when I get home!”

“It’s okay, Youngie, you have your leader duties to attend to. Tell Lucas to be careful and take it easy on yourself, okay? I’ll see you soon, thank you for everything.”

“Thank you too, bye bye!”

The call ends and you hold your phone close to your chest. Even just the sound of Taeyong’s voice makes you happy beyond belief. Imagining spending everyday with him fills you with so much elation, it’s hard to hold back. Taeyong and you grew up together, best friends before you even met Hyunzie. Together, you and him could conquer the world. Your parents would say that, even his sister. You both were notorious for talking the ears off of anyone and everyone and even conducting elaborate pranks you pulled on his sister and even your family members. When he joined SM, he had to move away to Seoul while you stayed in your hometown. He knew that he didn’t want to lose contact with you, and did all he could to make sure you would never lose this close bond the two of you have. There are underlying feelings between you two, you just can’t quite pinpoint it. Or your mind simply won’t let you knowing about all of that negative backlash that you would receive. 

A loud snore shakes you from your thoughts as your eyes shoot towards Hyunzie’s sleeping form. You giggle lightly, grabbing the blanket that drapes off of the side of the bed and lay it on your best friend. You turn off the lamp then head off to your room, getting ready to start this new era of your life. 

---

2 weeks (and, like, 2 days) later

---

Surprisingly, with the help of your movers and all of the free members of NCT, you were able to move and unpack almost instantly. Hyunzie and you basically sold all of your old furniture to buy new ones, so the only things you both had to worry about was your clothes and such. The new apartment is filled with loud music and laughs all throughout as the members all work hard to help you build all of your new furniture from the iconic Ikea. Hyunzie and Sicheng occupy themselves with the coffee table, flirting and lightly arguing more than building the actual surface. You, Johnny, and Taeyong busy yourselves in the kitchen, sorting out all of the dishes and pans, Johnny’s main goal is carefully placing all of your important bowls and dishes in the high shelf. 

“Again, thank you so much for all of your help,” You say, handing Johnny a decorative bowl your mother gave you as a gift when you moved to your own place for the first time.

“It’s no problem! We’re in between comebacks right now, so all we really do is wait for the Dreamies to post ASMR videos or my JCC stuff, but sometimes taking a break and doing things like this is better than filming everything 24/7 y’know? It’s almost therapeutic.” Johnny says cheerfully, giving you a gentle smile. 

“So Y/N,” Johnny begins, lifting the next box and moving to the next set of cabinets, “How did you and Taeyong meet? I know you guys grew up together, but like what’s the history?”

You smile, looking at the boy in the living room who is currently settling the argument between Sicheng and his girlfriend. 

“Well, historically, we’ve just been close friends,”

“No, no. Like, romantically. I’ve seen the way Taeyong lights up when he talks about you. There’s no way there’s no history between the two of you.”

You hesitate when you hand him the next plate. He is right, it’s not like there wasn’t anything going between the two of you, there definitely was something, “Well… if I’m being completely honest, there was. But it all ended when he left.”

Johnny nods, “I see, I see. Well, never say never! You’re back now, so anything could happen. And I mean, if it doesn’t work with him.... I know this tall, Chicago man that is available…” 

He smirks at you suggestively. You pull the towel that rests on his neck then hit his side.

“Hey hey, don’t hate the player, hate the game.” He laughs. You roll your eyes as you grab the empty box and put it in the pile of empty boxes. 

The rest of the afternoon goes rather smoothly as everyone finishes up with your’s and Hyunzie’s apartment. You and Taeyong sit on the couch while Hyunzie and Sicheng sit on the ground, leaning against the coffee table they assembled together. Hyunzie leans her head on Sichengs shoulder, dozing off. A movie plays in the background while you and Taeyong talk softly.

You stretch while Taeyong grabs your attention.

“Y/N, I just wanted to let you know that I’m so happy you’re here now.”

You smile at you him, “I am, too. I finally feel like I’m doing something worth my time, you know?”

He nods at you, “I know what you mean. Look, I also want to apologize for not being there for you--”

“--Tae, I’m going to stop you right there. I completely understand, I wouldn’t still be your best friend if I didn’t understand. I love you, more than you could ever know, Tae. You never have to apologize to me for anything.”

He gives you a somber smile, then gently places his hand over yours, “Thank you for being you. I love you, too.”

Your heart clenches, hearing him say those words truly fills you with joy. You know that he said it platonically, but you for sure didn’t. You honestly don’t mind it being a one-sided love. It’s better this way for everyone. Well, everyone except for you. But you were at peace with it. You know that Taeyong simply can’t be with you; the repercussions are too extreme. But right now, he isn’t Taeyong, the leader of NCT. He’s Lee Taeyong, your childhood best friend and the man you’re completely and utterly in love with.

---

2 months later

---

Your life as a songwriter has been amazing for its first month. Your song was recorded with all of the boys singing it wonderfully; the head producer said the songs you wrote were some of NCT’s best. 

You sit in a studio, laying some tracks over each other when you hear a knock at the door. The clear glass door shows the handsome features of Taeyong and you smile at him, stepping out of your chair to let him in.

He lifts up a plastic bag filled, two boxes of sushi inside. Your eyes light up as you walk with him to the couch inside of the studio.

“I got you your favorite,” he smiles while taking out a box for you.

“You know me so well,”

“Of course I do! I also know that you’re not going to be able to break these chopsticks evenly.”

Snap. Right as he says that, you broke your chopsticks, unevenly at the top. You stick your tongue out at him, giving him some sass.

“Okay you, you’re right but you didn’t have to be.”

He laughs, “I’m sorry. I just can’t resist. Anyway, how is the song-writing going? Are you giving Renjun any insane lines?”

You shake your head, “I’m actually just working on the beat for the rap track right now. Jaemin and Jeno have really increased their rap game from what I can remember. They can deal with something super complex.”

Taeyong nods, “Who would you say is your favorite rapper right now?”

“Between Jaemin and Jeno?”

“No, just in general.”

“NCT in general? Or in general, general?”

“In general, general! Y/N, stop bouncing around the question,” he whines slightly. You snicker. You know he’s trying to get you to say his name, but you won’t give him that satisfaction.

“Well, my favorite rapper right now has to be the rap god of NCT.”

“See! Was that so--”

“Yes, Mark Freaking Lee. Baby Lion really knows whats up.”

“O-Oh…” Taeyong suddenly finds his sushi really interesting as his gaze isn’t on you anymore.

You punch his arm, “Stop pouting dummy, of course I’m kidding. You’re my favorite rapper by default.”

His expression lights up, “Hehe, thank you.”

You both finish up the meal, happy and full. A chime goes off on your phone and you check it, your stomach drops. Even though it’s only your second month working for SM, other companies have noticed your work and they want you to work for them. SM gives you a pretty paycheck, but these other companies want to give you more. After they saw your work with NCT’s comeback, they want to see what else you can do. Other companies are offering you more money for your songs and you genuinely don’t know what to do.

“Tae, I have to tell you something.”

He knows that tone. He knows that you want to talk to him about something serious. “Let’s go for a walk.” 

---

You walk outside, your breath coming out as puffs of clouds because of the cold air. Taeyong walks beside you, walking perfectly at your side.

You hide your head in your scarf, attempting to warm your cheeks, as you sigh.

“Yongie, JYP is offering me a job. They’re willing to pay me almost double what SM is paying me right now.”

Taeyong stops walking as you do too.  “Y/N! That’s amazing!”

You sigh, “That’s the thing. I want to take it, but I love working for SM and more importantly, I love working with you.”

Taeyong sighs and places his hands on your shoulder, causing you to look up at him, “Look, distance has never been an issue with us. Whatever choice you make, you’ll make the right one. I’ll be by your side no matter what happens.”

“Yeah bu--”

“No! No buts. No matter what happens, we’ll be okay Y/N, I promise.”

You look up at him. You take in his beautiful face, something you’re so glad you can see it up close. You look at his big doe eyes, his angled nose and jawline that seem like they were sculpted by the gods themselves. You pay close attention to his lips that are formed in a slight pout. You never realized how soft his lips looked before. You question how they might feel against--

Woah. Where did that come from? 

You sniff as the lump in your throat isn’t so tight anymore. You look back up to his eyes and nod. You know you’ll be happy with whatever you choose because you have him. He gives you a light hearted smile then he reaches for your cold hand, holding it in his warm ones. Your heart flutters, but you don’t question him. This is exactly the amount of comfort you need right now. 

You guys continue your walk, hand in hand, his warmth reassuring you that everything will be okay.

Click. Click. Click.

---

3 months later

---

This all leads you  here. That night, you were being reckless and you or Taeyong didn’t think about the repercussions. Taeyong walked you home that night and you woke up to your social media and your email and your texts all full beyond belief.

New SM employee already cozies up to NCT’S Leader, Lee Taeyong

“Who is this girl? She’s a nobody.”

“It finally makes sense how she got into SM! It’s all Taeyong’s doing!”

“I can’t believe someone is taking our Taeyong away from us! She’s not nearly good enough for him!”

“What does Taeyong see in a girl like her??? She’s not even pretty.”

You read all those comments and immediately shut down. You didn’t realize what had happened that night until you read who the source was from. Dispatch saw you and Taeyong that night and ran with the story. Your whole career and Taeyong’s career was ruined. Hyunzie ran into your room that morning, throwing your phone away from you. You cried. Because that one night, you were so reckless, you ruined your best friends career. You packed a bag then headed back to your hometown, you needed to be away from there for a while.

From that moment, you cut off all ties you had with Taeyong, not even talking to him after that event. You were only thinking for him. It’s better for everyone this way. You took the job with JYP and you have been working there ever since. 

You moved back in with Hyunzie after everything died down a bit. She promised you that she wouldn’t let Taeyong in when he came, but it seemed that he didn’t want to see you either. He didn’t visit you after he learned you moved away. He was away on tour when you came back, so you knew you didn’t have to avoid him.

Except for now.

He just returned from tour and it brings you back here, he’s knocking at your door. God, of all the times Hyunzie chose to be with Sicheng, it had to be now. You’re weak, you open the door and he lets himself in as he hugs you. Your tears spilling into his shirt. 

He holds you tight and he holds you close, seeming scared that you would float away from him if he let go. He holds the back of your head into his chest as he leans into your neck, crying himself.

“Y/N, why?” he sobs quietly. “What happened?”

You don’t answer. You quietly cry into his shirt. You don’t know why. You thought it would be best for everyone this way, but now, in his arms, you realize it wasn’t.

He breaks away from the hug and holds your face in his hands, his tear stained eyes staring into yours. You don’t think it’s possible for your heart to break anymore than it already has, but it does when you see his glossy eyes. He wipes the tears that spill from your eyes as he places his forehead against yours. 

He whispers so softly, “Please, don’t leave me.”

Again, you don’t respond. You gently brush your lips against his and he returns your kiss. He kisses you slowly, your heart clenches. This moment is the sweetest you’ve ever had, but it’s equally the saddest. You’re finally doing the thing you’ve wanted to do for the longest time, but why does it hurt?

You break away from the kiss as he keeps his forehead on yours. You close your eyes, trying to savor the moment. You feel safe, you feel protected, you feel love. 

You know none of this can’t last.

Those happy emotions you feel make everything so much worse. You know that he can’t stay. You know that it can’t be like this. You know that your heart will just break in the end.

He kisses you again, this time with more passion. It hurts, but you can’t stop.

“Y/N please, I’m sorry.”

“Prove it to me, then. Don’t stop kissing me.”

He doesn’t. He holds you so close because it’s almost as if he knows the second that he lets go, you let go too.

Your back hits your mattress, his lips still on yours. Clothes are shed, tears still fall. Your bodies mold as one as he proves to you, again and again, the extent of his love. You cry even more. You love him so much, but that’s why you can’t be with him. 

When he holds you, when he kisses you, it’s the sweetest thing. That’s why it hurts the most.

The life of an idol isn’t one for you and you know that. It fits Taeyong well, which is why this is your last night with him. You love him so much, that’s why you can’t keep him. He was never your’s to keep.

You look over at his sleeping form, his bottom half covered by your covers. You lean over and kiss his head one more time before you stand up. You quietly pack up your bag then head out the door. JYP has a branch in Japan that they want you to head and you were on the fence about it. 

Seeing Taeyong one more time helped you make up your mind. You leave a note for Hyunzie and send her a text. You found a last minute flight to Tokyo, you bought the last ticket, and you’re on your way.

You love Lee Taeyong too much to stay with him. Staying with him will only taint his image.

When he held you, when he kissed you, it was the sweetest thing. 

But it’ll just have to live on in that memory.

---

i hate writing angst for this exact reason....

this is my first official angsty piece tho! i hope you guys liked it :)

it’s been a while but my writer’s block is finally gone! i’ll continue on with more fluffy pieces for this series :)))

anyway, this part may have a part 2? we’ll see the vibes of the lyrics

- amy <3

[kagehinataboke]

i don’t really have a prompt in mind but i have this really specific idea for a tdbk high school au where Bakugou is the captain of the basketball team and Todoroki is the captain of the volleyball team and they always get into huge fights and yeah i would just die to see this au if you feel like writing it, ty sm uwu, love your writing ❤️

okay so i’ve been working on this for a while, so sorry for the late response dear!! it sounds like a fantastic idea uwu

i also got really carried away tbh haha, it’s just such a cute au~ i might eventually make it a whole story bc it’s just so dang adorable! ;u; hope you like it anon

***

“What do you mean we can’t use the court?” Bakugou slams his hands down on Principal Nezu’s desk hard enough to knock over an innocent cup of pencils. “I’ve had it booked since last week! Who the hell took it?!”

“Language, Katsuki,” Nezu scolds, calmly fixing the cup. “Shouto made a very compelling argument, so the board and I decided to—“

“Dammit, that bastard?” Bakugou sits down hard, knocking over the pencils again. “He can’t keep stealing the court! My team needs to practice, too. What did he tell you this time, huh? Is he spreading rumors about me again?”

“He’s never spread rumors about you,” Nezu sighs, setting the pencil cup on the windowsill to save it from further assault. “Katsuki, it’s simple: his team has more funding and more support from the school board. There’s nothing I can do—“

“Bullshit.” Bakugou stands up to storm out, ripping a volleyball poster off the open door on his way. “Dammit, I’ll deal with it myself. Thanks for nothing.”

Todoroki Shouto is the most annoying, aggravating, horrible person Bakugou has ever met. That asshole constantly steals the court that the basketball team needs, sabotages their attempts to gain new members—and, most importantly, he’s got the support of the entire student council and faculty. Being the captain of the basketball team means nothing when Bakugou is terrible at making social connections.

“Bro, did you ask about the court?” Kirishima appears from thin air, Kaminari and Sero on his heels. “What’d Nezu say?”

“It’s that fucker again,” Bakugou growls, storming into the gym with enough ferocity to scare first-year volleyball members out of the way. “Dammit, Todoroki!” he yells across the gym at the irritating bastard who’s preparing for a serve. “You’re fucking dead!”

“Wait, you can’t just kill him!” Kirishima quickly grabs Bakugou by the arms, saving Todoroki’s shitty fucking pretty boy face in the nick of time.

“Ah, I see you found out about the gym.” Todoroki hands his ball to the vice-captain, Iida, and crosses his arms. “Did you come to fight me for it?”

Bakugou struggles against Kirishima’s grip, but it only gets him an inch closer to Todoroki’s irritatingly calm, unflinching face. “You must think this is a real fucking riot, huh, interfering with everything my team does?! This isn’t over, you fucking Half bastard!”

“You say that every time,” Todoroki calls after him as Kirishima and the others drag him away. “See you later, I guess.”

“Fuck you!”

***

“You’re the worst,” Bakugou says vehemently between impatient kisses down Todoroki’s pale throat. “You’re the worst fucking person I’ve ever met in my life.”

“Yes, I know.” Todoroki’s fingernails dig into his shoulders, spreading pinpricks of heat down his back. Bakugou wants to take a picture of his ruined expression and frame it. “Hey“—the bastard’s gasping now—“don’t leave marks.”

“Shut up.” Bakugou bites his collarbone spitefully, igniting Todoroki’s yelp. “You piss me the hell off. Give me back my court and I’ll consider being less rough.” He accentuates the threat with another bite. Fuck Todoroki Shouto and his dumbass ‘no marks’ bullshit. As if Bakugou would listen to him when he’s pissed off—or, fuck, even when he isn’t.

“Blackmailing me won’t work,” Todoroki replies with the same irritatingly docile expression. “I like it rou—“ He gasps when Bakugou kisses him harshly on the mouth. He was just about to say he likes it rough, this motherfucker.

Yes, Bakugou despises Todoroki more than anyone else in the world—but that may be the exact reason he likes seeing him defenseless and at his complete mercy so damn much. Hate-fucking him in a janitor’s closet has become a perpetual, reluctant, and mostly accidental habit that he tries to refrain from… but never can.

After they’re finished, Bakugou always feels like something is left unresolved, and no amount of cursing or regret will fix it. The two-tone bastard Todoroki doesn’t seem to share his thoughts, though. “Hey… You should come to my game tomorrow.”

“What, you mean the one that you stole my gym time to practice for?” Bakugou scoffs while pulling on his wrinkled jersey. “How about fuck you?”

“You do a good enough job of that on your own,” Todoroki replies evenly, slipping on his red practice jacket and zipping it up to his neck to hide the dark blemishes there. “You left hickeys all over me again, so it’s really the least you could do.”

“Just because I sometimes fuck you in closets doesn’t make us friends, or anything close to it,” Bakugou reminds, slinging his practice duffel over his shoulder and flipping off Icy Hot on his way out. “I still don’t fucking like you. Bye.”

“It’s at three o’clock!” Todoroki calls after him before the door closes, pissing Bakugou off even more. He won’t do this ever again, he swears—and he definitely won’t go to that stupid fucking game, either.

***

“You’re going to the volleyball game?” Kirishima is so surprised that he misses his free-throw, and the rogue basketball hits Kaminari in the head. “But… why?”

“Oi, proper passes asshole!” Bakugou yells at a first-year before answering, “I thought about it, and it’s a good chance for revenge. That dick Todoroki is always stealing members and support from us, so it’s time to get back at him.”

Kaminari pauses mid-dribble to raise an eyebrow disbelievingly. “That’s the only reason? You sure?”

“What exactly are you implying, huh?” Bakugou elbows him on his way to center court. “What other reason could there be? I’m just going to fuck with him.”

“But do you really even hate Todoroki, though?” Kaminari asks with a frown. “I mean, you guys are like… Ugh, you know when two people both like and hate each other at the same time? You’re, like, uh… Help me out here, Kirishima.”

“Frenemies?”

“Frenemies! You guys are like frenemies. I mean, you wouldn’t be so bothered by that guy if you didn’t like him at least a little.”

“Fuck you,” Bakugou scoffs, smacking the basketball out of his hand. “I’m going for sabotage reasons: that’s it.”

“Me too!” Sero calls suddenly from across the gym, elbowing a first-year in the chest when he throws his hand up. After apologizing and passing his ball to Shinsou, he trips over to them. “I wanna come, too. Uh, you know, to help with the espionage.”

Kaminari rolls his eyes. “You guys have fun, then. I’m not going.”

“Nobody fucking asked you to.” Bakugou takes a position at the three-point line. “I only told you two so you’d keep an eye on practice for me.” He takes a shot and it sails straight into the basket. “Just make sure nobody dies—and for fuck’s sake, get these shitty first-years to improve their damn passes!”

“Aren’t you worried Principal Nezu will be mad if you’re there?” Kirishima interjects. “He knows you hate Todoroki’s guts. He’ll definitely suspect something.”

“He won’t suspect shit.” Bakugou pulls the sweatband off his wrist and tosses it to Kaminari with a smirk. “Just wait and see: I’ll pay that pretty boy over ten-fucking-fold.”

“Pretty boy?” Kirishima echoes.

“Shut the fuck up, Shitty Hair.” Bakugou makes another three-pointer, but he can’t focus on his game when the memory of Todoroki’s stupid face is haunting him. Sometimes he can’t get the look of that bastard out of his head—of Todoroki’s parted lips and splayed hips; of Bakugou’s own hands on that delicate porcelain skin.

Shit, he already wants to break his promise and fuck him again. If he goes to the game and sees Todoroki playing, he might just have to. Sweaty skin, a neckline low enough to show off the marks Bakugou left, and those tight, tight shorts— Oh fuck, he’s totally done for.

Shit, Bakugou’s riled up now. He passes his ball to Kirishima with an irritated scoff. “Fucking take this. I’ll be right back.”

“What? Wait, where are you—“

Bakugou slams through the gym doors before he can finish his sentence, punching a locker hard enough to dent it. “Calm down,” he orders himself. His body is basically flipping him off, though. “I hate him. I hate him.” He has to say it twice to make it sound believable. Lately, Bakugou has been struggling to put a name to his feelings. Hate is there, but it’s not the only thing he feels anymore. Why did he become closer to Todoroki in the first place? How can he possess him one second and let him go the next? It doesn’t make any sense if he takes time to think about it.

“Fuck.” Bakugou punches the locker again. Pain is one thing he has no trouble feeling. “Fuck,” he says again, resting his head against the dented metal.

Maybe he shouldn’t go. If he sees Todoroki at the game, he’ll… Well, he honestly doesn’t know what he’ll do. Hit him? Maybe. Kiss him? Probably. Fuck him again? Almost definitely.

***

The amount of people that show up to a volleyball game is… depressing. Bakugou has never seen a crowd of more than eighty people at a basketball game, but there’s well over a hundred here. He’s scowling as he sits down in a seat where that bastard Todoroki won’t see him. What is it about volleyball? Basketball is way fucking harder. Sure, Bakugou’s never seen a volleyball game before, but their practices look easy as hell. Dammit, he’s forgetting why he came here: there’s a job to do.

“Sero, did you remember to bring it?” Bakugou whispers, keeping his eyes trained on the court. The Half bastard hasn’t shown up yet. “Sero? Sero— For fuck’s sake, what are you doing?”

Sero jumps, quickly ripping his gaze away from the face of the volleyball tram’s vice-captain. “Oh, uh… sorry. I brought it.” He digs in his bag to retrieve a package of marbles. “Isn’t this plan too childish, though? And some people could get seriously hurt.”

“It’s just fucking marbles. Don’t be a pussy.” Bakugou snatches the package from him and rips it open. “As soon as the game hits the second set, you trip me and spill these all over the court. Got it?”

“Yeah,” Sero agrees reluctantly, eyeing Iida again. It’s no secret he’s got a thing for him. “…I got it.”

“Good. Stay on your toes and…” Bakugou’s mouth goes completely dry when Todoroki steps onto the court. It’s hard to explain, but there’s something… different about the way he looks right now. His eyes are filled with such unnerving intensity that it makes Bakugou shiver. He could be thinking about his classes or the hickeys that are just visible above the collar of his uniform, but his mind seems laser-focused on the game ahead.

Fuck, he’s beautiful. Who the fuck gave him the right to be this hot? Bakugou silently drinks up the sight of him running, jumping, blocking—everything that makes his heart slam suicidally against his chest cavity. Point after point; Todoroki’s team scores again and again, easily taking the first set. Bakugou doesn’t even remember what he’s supposed to be doing until Sero’s shoulder roughly smacks into his arm.

He falls forward, throwing out his hands to right himself. As he does, the marble package slips from his hands, cascading over the heads of the row in front of them to tumble across the gym floor. The world stops, time crawling to a painful halt. Todoroki had been mid-jump, about to serve. The marbles have spread across the court, and he lands on one almost immediately. The chaos is more broad-spread than expected: both teams are down.

Everyone is too busy panicking to look for the source of the incident, but Todoroki’s gaze pierces straight through the crowd. Bakugou makes direct eye contact with him before vaulting the bleacher railing and disappearing into the hall. He fucked up. Or, no, he succeeded. He wanted to cause destruction, and he most definitely did. But, then… why does he feel so shitty?

He embarrassed Todoroki. Wasn’t that his goal from the start? He has no reason to be filled with… What is this feeling, anyway? Guilt? No fucking way. Bakugou refuses to even think about feeling guilty. But staring at the locker he punched, the sensation builds and builds until it’s unbearable. It was an accident. Even if he was planning it, it was still an accident. But fuck, he shouldn’t have to justify it at all. What the hell—

A fist catches him in the jaw “What the fuck—“ Bakugou gasps when hands seize him by the collar, slamming him against the dented locker. It’s hard to believe what he’s seeing. “What… Todoroki?”

Bakugou has never seen Todoroki angry before, and he wishes he didn’t have to see it now. His stormy eyes are full of raw, unbridled rage. He’s quite clearly pissed off. The emotion is even clearer in his voice. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

The question is so cold and serious that it’s impossible to give a joking response. “I… didn’t mean to.”

“You’re lying.” Todoroki’s fists clench against Bakugou’s shirt. “I invited you because I thought things could change, but they can’t, can they?” The anger drains from his eyes as quickly as it appeared, grip slackening on Bakugou’s collar. “You must… really hate me, huh?”

The words feel like bullets. Why does it hurt so much to hear them? Bakugou does hate him. He hates looking at him and hearing his voice and being powerless against his charm. But he can’t stop coming back for more and more of Todoroki Shouto, like he’s a drug. A drug with too many damn side-effects. Doubt, insecurity, fear, and something else… Something deeper that’s too hard to think about.

“So it’s true?” Todoroki shakes his head and releases him when Bakugou doesn’t say anything. “I guess this is it, then. I’m done being the object of your amusement. This isn’t a game.” He backs a few steps away, but the distance feels like miles.

If he keeps going, there won’t be a problem: Bakugou can probably go on believing he despises him. But the Half bastard always has to ruin everything, so he stops and looks over his shoulder. “For what it’s worth… I never once hated you.”

Dammit. Why did it have to be this way? It would be so much easier if Todoroki hated him. They could keep being at odds with each other, fighting over who gets to use the gym, bickering with Nezu about club funding. In the end, though, that’s impossible. Bakugou knows deep down what he wanted from the start—what he still wants now. He can’t make complete sense of his emotions, but… maybe he doesn’t have to.

“Todoroki.” Bakugou is surprised by the rawness of his voice. He’s supposed to be walking away, not closer. “Don’t.”

Don’t… what? Don’t go, don’t stay? He’s even confusing himself. But there’s no going back now: Todoroki has turned to face him again, lips parted in a yet-to-be-voiced question. Bakugou doesn’t let him speak, taking him by the wrist. Where his fingers touch Todoroki’s soft skin, he can feel a rapid-fire pulse. It skyrockets even more when they kiss.

Todoroki loses his balance, gripping fistfuls of Bakugou’s shirt when he slams him against the dented locker. A noise of protest rumbles from the back of his throat when Bakugou’s tongue slips into his mouth, but he could care less. His head is screaming. This stupidly annoying, beautiful bastard is all he wants right now. Fuck, is this what he’s been waiting for? For this shot of clarity? 

He doesn’t hate Todoroki Shouto at all. He never did. No, in fact, he just might be madly in love with him.

With a gasp, Todoroki finally manages to separate their mouths. “What the… hell do you… think you’re doing?”

He’s so out of breath that he can barely speak. Doesn’t this dumbass know to breathe through his nose? It pisses Bakugou off even more. “You god damn idiot.” He presses Todoroki’s back harder against the locker. “‘This isn’t a game’? I never saw this as a fucking game, asshole. You started shit with me, and I wanted to finish it.”

Todoroki grabs his wrist, eyes aflame again. “I’m not the one who picks fights with you. I admit that I don’t treat you properly, but I never start things directly. You’re the one who’s always hanging around, threatening me.” He scoffs softly. “It’s because you hate me, isn’t that right? You despise me.”

“Motherfucker…” Bakugou slams his fist against the wall to keep from punching Todoroki’s stupid fucking pretty face. “Are you stupid? I’ve never once said I hate you, Half n’ Half. Not fucking once.”

“You’re going to tell me you don’t? After everything you’ve done?” Todoroki pushes his head away from the wall, eyes steely. “Why would I ever believe you?”

Fuck. Does Bakugou have to say it? To say it will mean admitting it to himself first. Can he do that? Can he throw away years of resentment so easily? Then again, maybe that resentment has been disappearing for a while. When was the last time he thought about Todoroki with disgust? Or, rather… has he ever?

“I don’t hate you,” Bakugou mutters eventually. All the strength rushes out of him, and he drops his head against Todoroki’s shoulder. “I don’t hate you at all. I think I actually… Fuck. I think I actually like you a lot.”

It’s been a long time since Bakugou’s told the truth like this. Todoroki’s eyes convey his shock at the pure honesty in the words, but he doesn’t get a chance to respond. People are filing out of the gym, their loud voices carrying down the hallway—including Todoroki’s teammates.

“Fuck,” Bakugou mutters, backing up down the hall. “I’ll… see you later.”

Todoroki starts to protest, but Bakugou has already turned to run.

***

Bakugou isn’t sure how far or for how long he’s walked, but he should’ve been home twenty minutes ago. Ha… Not like it matters. What the fuck has he gone and done? He confessed to Todoroki, even though his feelings are a total mess. God, he’s so fucking dead. Why the fuck would he go and say such stupid shit?

“Ugh… Fuck me.” Bakugou collapses on a park bench, tearing his hands through his hair. “Dammit. Fucking idiot. What the hell is wrong with you, Katsuki? Oh my god, I can never show my face at school again. I’ll move to fucking Osaka and start bartending or some shit. Fuck. I wanna die…”

“Bakugou?”

For a moment, he thinks he must be imagining things. Why, at the peak of his misery, would Todoroki appear to worsen things? The universe can’t possibly be that cruel. Oh, but of course it can. Todoroki Shouto is standing in front of him, wearing casual clothes and a streetlight halo. Fuck. He’s as stupidly beautiful as ever. The universe really is an asshole, isn’t it?

“How did you find me?” is all Bakugou can manage to say. He hasn’t been yelling, but his voice is raw.

“I live near here. I couldn’t sleep, so I went for a walk.” Todoroki’s eyes glow in the soft fluorescent lamplight when he takes a step closer. “Are you… okay?”

“You shouldn’t be asking me that, asshole.” Bakugou lowers his head, too embarrassed to look him in the face. They’ve been in far more intimate situations, yet this somehow feels like the most exposing of all. “Just go back home. I’m not ready to talk yet.”

Of course, Todoroki never listens to him. He sits down, close enough for their shoulders to touch. “Did you mean what you said back there?”

“I’m not a fucking liar,” Bakugou grumbles irritably. “I meant it, even if I don’t fully understand it. I like you.” He lets out a breath. What a tremendous weight that’s been lifted… “Fuck. I like you so fucking much, it hurts.”

For the first time since they met, Bakugou lets himself look at Todoroki without a hint of anger. The other emotions that take its place are immediately overwhelming, and Bakugou can’t stop himself from reaching out to brush a fingertip across Todoroki’s soft bottom lip. It’s different from the way he’s touched him before, always full of mindless lust and spite. This is a gentle ache; one that starts in his chest and gradually moves through his whole body like a wildfire.

Todoroki’s breath catches quietly, which is more than enough to send Bakugou into cardiac arrest. He wants him. He wants all of him right now, but in a much different way than before. Rather than doing it to hurt him, Bakugou wants Todoroki Shouto to willingly belong to him. He wants to touch him so gently that he forgets everything else in the world.

“Can I…” Bakugou starts, voice deep and raspy with unchecked desire. His composure is steadily dissolving. Fuck, he wants to melt into him like ice cream on hot pavement. 

Thank god, Todoroki wants it as much as he does. He’s barely finished nodding before Bakugou’s tongue is in his mouth, fingers sliding under his sweatshirt. Fuck, his skin is soft. His saliva tastes like fucking peppermint. Was kissing him always this good? Bakugou’s thirst for him is utterly insatiable. Shit. Hate-fucking is nothing compared to whatever this is.

“Wait,” Todoroki gasps when Bakugou’s hand slips up his inner leg. “Not here, Bakugou—“

“First name,” Bakugou interrupts gruffly, gripping Todoroki’s thigh tighter to shut him up. He’s been waiting for this for a long time, he realizes. Fuck, it’s too good. “If you like me, use my first name.”

Todoroki doesn’t even hesitate. “Katsuki,” he whispers in an absolutely disastrous way. “Katsuki, I like you, too. I like you.”

Fuck, those damn words… He’s definitely trying to destroy him. But even so, it feels too amazing to care. Wreck me, Bakugou wants to say. Bite me. Break me. Bloody me. Tear me up completely.

To be destroyed by Todoroki Shouto might be all he’s ever wanted.

[89xhshb]

Same ones you sent to me! All part 5 & 7~

I actually wanted to send more but didn’t wanted to make you write that much~

PART 5: RELATIONSHIPS W/OTHERS

In general, how do you treat others (politely, rudely, by keeping them at a distance, etc.)? Does your treatment of them change depending on how well you know them, and if so, how?

This is interesting. My treatment definitely change depending of how well I know people. I am a totally different person around my best friends than I am around the people I work with or my hyungs and I guess that is normal for everyone? I just grew more comfortable around them. I so depends on who is the person. I am never an asshole without a given reason towards people anyways.

Who is the most important person in your life, and why?

It is not one person but two: My mom and my sister.Why? To put it shortly:  They are both incredible and strong women that put up with me on daily basis. That solely should make them superwomen. 

Who is the person you respect the most, and why?

My mother. For her way of overcoming any obstacle and hardship and always keeping a smile on her face. For setting an example of how hard work is always rewarded. Not only for her strength but also for how she is as a person. She is the one person I absolutely look up to. 

Who are your friends? Do you have a best friend? Describe these people.

OHMYGOD. There we go. I actually have three best friends~ I am a lucky one. Jiyong is one of them and how do I even describe him? He is my best bro. The person I would call to help me discard of a body with no questions asked. Me and him go way back for as long as I remember. Describe him in one word: FABULOUS. Second is Trouble. You may know her go by Hyuna sometimes. I also knew her for before joining Cube but we became really close a couple of years back. She is my partner in crime and my best wing man. Describing her in one word: TROUBLE. Third is my sister surprisingly enough. Describing her in one word: PSYCHO. I will get punched because of that~ My sister sometimes reminds me of a younger version of Trouble at times. They are both stubborn  and witty but I love them both~ My friends spectrum extend from Cube to YG to even SM? I guess people from the industry. I also have some childhood friends but we kind of grew apart. I still catch up with them via social media and random get together. 

Do you have a spouse or significant other? If so, describe this person.

I do not have a spouse. Define significant other. I am significantly interested in you.

Have you ever been in love? If so, describe what happened.

Man of course I’ve been in love. Which one should I talk about? I only fell in love properly like over my heels in love with someone two times in my life. First it was in high school:  a teenage love which actually looking back was such a cute experience man. Once five years ago when I feel in love with my ex girlfriend. What happened? Long story short: We met, we fell in love, we broke up? As for describe the feeling of being in love…You just look at that person and you just think it. Feel it. You feel this warm feeling that you get after coming home tired from an exhausting day of work. Being in love with someone is when seeing them happy makes you happy. It means no matter what comes your way you are a team and you work together. Even in a fight there is no one against the other, it should be both of you against the problem. 

What do you look for in a potential lover?

I don’t look for anything specifically? I never exactly looked for a lover it just happened? I assume it will have to be someone who can put up with myself since I can be a handful, someone with a sense of humour and caring? 

How close are you to your family?

SUPER CLOSE DOESN’T EVEN CUT IT! I just went out drinking with my sister last night and I see my mom at least once a week. I love my family and I want to spend as much time with them as possible. We’ve been through so much together and no matter what changes life brought our way we always relayed on each other to overcome it. 

Have you started your own family? If so, describe them. If not, do you want to? Why or why not?

I did not but of course I want to. I cannot really see myself right now married and with kids but the image is not that bad once I get pass my sarcasm and self depiction jokes. Looking at my partents’ marriage and my childhood I probably want something similar to that deeeeeep deeeep inside.

Who would you turn to if you were in desperate need of help?

My family. Jiyong. Trouble. 

Do you trust anyone to protect you? Who, and why?

I know Jiyong will always have my back because he proven so countless of times. I know I can also count on my family and most of all myself. 

If you died or went missing, who would miss you?

My family and I dare to think my best friends would miss me as well? THEY ALL BETTER MAKE MY FUNERAL FUNNY OR I WILL COME BACK TO HUNT THEM

Who is the person you despise the most, and why?

OHHOOOHOOO I have a couple of people who I really cannot stand. YG is one of them from the top of my head. 

Do you tend to argue with people, or avoid conflict?

Both? Depends. Sometimes is not worth arguing sometimes I am just so pissed I will argue the hell out of it. But I tend to try and avoid unwanted headaches .

Do you tend to take on leadership roles in social situations?

Yes and no? Depends once more. I definitely take leadership in drinking and video games.

Do you like interacting with large groups of people? Why or why not?

I used to hate it but since it became a must do for the job I don’t mind it anymore. 

Do you care what others think of you?

I stopped doing that long ago. I just got tired of feeling bad about myself due to the way some people thought of me. I know I am not the most perfect person on earth I am far from it but I am being myself with all my good and bad parts. which I am perfectly aware of. 

PART 7: SELF IMAGES & OTHER

Describe the routine of a normal day for you. How do you feel when this routine is disrupted?

I wake up quite early, coffee and cigarettes, eat breakfast, shower, get ready for work, smoke on my way to work, hit the studio, smoke break, dance rehalsal, lunch, luncj break smoke, gym, home, dinner,smoke,  watch some anime or movie and then sleep? I have it disrupted most of the times as there is always something changing but mainly it would be like that?

What is your greatest strength as a person?

Determination and perseverance. 

What is your greatest weakness?

My big mouth

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

My attitude? I am actually working on that. 

Are you generally introverted or extroverted?

Extroverted

Are you generally organized or messy?

In between~

Name three things you consider yourself to be very good at, and three things you consider yourself to be very bad at.

Dancing, bowling, sweet talking. As for bad: fashion, being punctual, being organised?

Do you like yourself?

I like who I am around you lately. 

What are your reasons for being an adventurer (or doing the strange and heroic things that RPG characters do)? Are your real reasons for doing this different than the ones you tell people in public? (If so, detail both sets of reasons…)

I am a huge comics fan and I guess we all wanted to be Superman or at least one of the X men when we were younger. But I am not doing good deeds for the sole purpose of being consider a super hero I just do them?

What goal do you most want to accomplish in your lifetime?

Live a life with no regrets and make my mom proud. 

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

In a dance studio working on improving myself. I also hope there will be someone waiting for me at home. One can hope~

If you could choose, how would you want to die?

Drowning. I know I am weird fml

If you knew you were going to die in 24 hours, name three things you would do in the time you had left.

Make sure to leave everything for my mom and my sister to have a easy life. Spend time with my friends and drink? Smoke? OH I would use the death as an excuse for Cube to finally release my mf album! Maybe postmortem they will finally do so. 

What is the one thing for which you would most like to be remembered after your death?

My voice. 

What three words best describe your personality?

Complicated, colourful, twisted

What three words would others probably use to describe you?

Flirt, Funny, Dope sorry misspelled Dork..no wait I didn’t~

If you could, what advice would you, the player, give to your character? (You might even want to speak as if he or she were sitting right here in front of you, and use proper tone so he or she might heed your advice) 

What is this…probably to stop overthinking each good thing that comes along and enjoy it

@taeminv

[meateatingorchids]

I got rlly fat like i got a big belly now which is soooo weird and i feel uncomfortable about to the point i hate my self .... 

Like what the fuck is that huge belly omfg like im pregnant and its disgusting.  Im so ugly RN i hate my self sm 

Also i tried to eat fitness food n its disgustingly tasting that i regretted eating it in the first place

Its so bad to the point tge sweet potato is better tasting than strogonoff what

I feel overly full to the point its uncomfortable and rlly  othering me and my face got super fat to the point i dont want to ever go out again

I never felt this ugly since 1 year. This is the most ugly ive felt in one year and i rlly hate myself i wanna kms like i can barely look at my disgusting reflection . I look gross. Im grossed w my self which is unbearable

Like im p sure this is beyond my watwr retention cuz of period i probably did get fat and its disgusting.  I cant look at myself

I hv sm fat in my stomato the point i feel like vomiting when i hv to shower it bothers me to the point maybe thats all ill think about until I lose this fat

I got fat to the point i can't u look and until I lose i won't talk to ppl anymore

My skin got super ugly lately too i bet its bc of that meds I hate it sm I look so disgusting i can't even look at myself anymore I want to burn this body alive lmao

I want to die so I dont hv to look at my reflection. I need to lose weight

My face looks so ugly I want to smash it w a hammer .. i think abt dark things lately.... like harming my self n shit like that 

The other day I couldn't not self harm cuz I was having such a hard time the entire of July so I had to self harm to de stress and now i wanna cut my self more and more like I need to do some harmful thing cuz I hate this body lmao 

I hate every minute of now and ever since I got fat I've been trying to lose weight cuz I want to reach my goal. I want to be skinny and thats the only thing I think about since I got fat. I also say fuck to the world cuz i only want one thing n thats losing this fuckong weight n fats i wanna be skinny again and that is my n1 goal and concern like every thing else is second to that. Idc about med achool or any school right now my main goal is losing this weight and more and more I want to be skinny again like in 2013 when I was happy . Fuck med school or any other stupid mission I only care about one thing.... i hate the reflection in the mirror it is so disgusting. I want to punish my self for getting this fat. This look ain't it and the clothes look ugly on me now i hate my self. I hope whoever haunted me last month gets super ugly n fat. I look so disgusting its gross to exist in such an ugly body n face i hate my looks now more than ever but I've been low-key dissatisfied with my appearance since sometime in june or Smth I hated my getting fat since June and I feel like it is so gross and I need to vent out abt it 

If I end up binging and starbing cicle again I know that i can give up any dream cuz my life will be it, binge and starve ... this is all I do when I'm in the bad place. My entire life is math in my head abt what I ate and how much and counting the numbers weigh in measures and math  here n there and thats so mind consuming thats the only thing I think about and nothing else can fit in lmao this is the life of some ed community girl... sucks but that's all we have. I do feel like purging but I've never been good at it but I hate the feeling of food sitting in my stomach and I hate the feeling of full and I hate it with so much passion that I come out lmao and I know unless I lose this weight that food and weight loss is all ill be thinking about so bye-bye med school. 

I even hate the feeling of fat in my calves cuz i feel it got fat and I can feel it and my thighs never looked so gross i hate my own body right now and since June I neen low-key hating it lmao...  welp 

I rlly never felt worse than this... since last june lmaooo I want to kill my self and I'm determined to do it bc that's all I have. I want to be free from this hell.

I have the most violent thoughts for the past weeks and I'm in the i wanna kill mode . I want to harm whoever did this to me whoever disrupted the peace I worked hard to get whoever disrupted it i wanna m*r*** them so much tbh I want to shake it off but the thought of causing as much harm as they caused me keeps coming to my mind I want to kill so much ... lmao I wan awake everything from them bc they rlly ruined my life that was hard to begin with. 

i got the need for an ed blog again cuz my ed is woken again lmao fuck my life. seems like its back i feel my ed waking up for the past months... its BACK i feel sometimes physically stronger as i used to be when i had my ed... even at my lowest weight i had some abnormal physical strength for a girl and now its back my ed... lmao fuckkkkkkkmy ed is strong and has such a darkness, dark mind and violent... idk how will i keep it under control cuz its very hard ... but at least my ed seem to protect me from some stuff... when i become very traumatized it seems to cause it to wake... whoever they were they woke up my demons.. thanks u scum vermin, u ruined the work weve been doing on putting it to sleep for over 10 years and u ruined its work it took 10 fucking years to out it to sleep... now its back and lively as always... why would anyone want my demon to wake why... my ed makes me physically stronger so its super easy to know when its here... lmaoooo im soooooo fuckedddd now ill pray i dont get in trouble much thats it

whoever was that kept pushing her to remember her traume woke the demon now they will have to pay for it

when i was only abt 40kg i had like sm physical strength and i only found out why years later... yeah... idk now what am i going to do i actually do love my demon despite all and were good friends... but sometimes it gets out of control.. its like having a pet tiger or lion tbh its v cute but it needs to be tamed... lmao also why did they disclose my demons name but not my angels lmao.. puzzling it is...

[angeltriestoblog]

Sophomore year recap, vol. 1

Funny how I only ever go on this blog to give sporadic life updates, which are honestly just lengthier versions of what goes on my Instagram dump. But, I'd hate to let this practice die—plus, I love to write, so it continues for another year. I recently wrapped up my first semester of sophomore year—yet another testament to how fast time flies by—and it's safe to presume that it was the most rewarding chapter of my stay in Ateneo, thus far. I admit I did spend most of my freshman year in my comfort zone (while still managing to make my fair share of rookie mistakes, go me!). Although I don't completely blame myself for not being able to adjust from the get-go, I do admit that my life would have been much easier if I didn't take so long to warm up to the idea of embracing change and taking risks. Upon realizing this, there was a certain pressure that came with it to make up for lost time and try to do as much I could before my body eventually gives out.

For starters, I became more active in the three organizations I am a member of, all of which demanded so much of my energy, and pushed my brain power and time management skills to the test, but were very fulfilling to be in nonetheless. (A little note from Editing Angel: This is where this post starts to look a little bit like a LinkedIn profile.)

I signed up to be a part of the Sanggunian, the student government of the University, under the Commission on Mental Health, since I am an advocate for challenging the stigma that surrounds this issue, as well as providing the proper support to those who need it. I was eventually put under Secretariat, where I was in charge of the databases and documents, taking minutes of the meeting, and updating attendance and post trackers. Although it wasn't the department I had originally planned on getting into, I did enjoy learning about the more technical side of the team and took pride in the fact that I was able to put some of the lessons I learned in ITM over intersession to good use. And by that I mean conditional formatting, but whatever ok!

But, at some point the forces of the universe decided to pull some strings and bring me to my first choice: Humans of Ateneo (HOA), a page that aims to share stories of those within the Ateneo community with the hopes of inspiring others. To this day, I work there as a literary editor, who is basically in charge of transcribing recordings of interviews and turning them into the text posts our audience sees on their Facebook timelines. I love what I do right now, because not only do I feel endlessly inspired by each story of resilience I encounter, but also fulfilled since I am partly responsible for getting that story out there for the rest of the world to see. But, I guess it wouldn't be entirely wrong to say that my favorite story so far has to be Mayor Vico Sotto's, especially because HOA Core (minus Marice, and plus Yanna) and I travelled all the way to Pasig City Hall to hear it from him in the flesh. I can confirm that he is definitely more good-looking in person, that he establishes eye contact when he speaks, and that he is one of the most insightful and substantial human beings I've ever met.

Since being a part of the team, I have also had access to opportunities both within the sub-commission and Sanggu, as a whole. I've been given leadership positions that allowed me to step up to the plate, one of which was directing a video we launched in celebration of World Mental Health Day. My co-project head Bel and I had to conceptualize it from scratch based solely on a spoken word poem given to us, and plan and plot its shooting over the course of one week—definitely a feat given our conflicts in schedule, and the unpredictable weather. Next year, I'll be pretty hands-on when it comes to manning the Peer Support Group of our commission, as I have been assigned as a member of the core team, so that's definitely something to watch out for.

I've attended active listening workshops to help me be better in tending to the needs of others: by either providing them with a newfound support system, or sharing sound advice. I was a part of the sub-core team behind Humans of Ateneo: IRL, where prestigious alumni were invited to speak on their journeys, much like three HOA posts come to life. I also ended up emceeing a freshman drug talk all by myself, because I was only informed at the very last minute that my co-host had other commitments to attend to. I remember practically shaking from the nerves and squealing right in front of the speakers that day, but I managed to pull through with more confidence and less awkward finger guns than I thought possible.

I think this is the org where I took the most initiative and was therefore the busiest, but I didn't mind at all because I was surrounded by such wonderful people. I met most of my team over intersession during a workshop that I wasn't even wholeheartedly willing to attend (because it coincided with what was my last chance to catch Ben&Ben live on their Limasawa Street tour), and thus wasn't expecting much out of. But, we meshed so well together almost instantly as we opened up to one another about experiences and secrets we only would have shared to our closest friends. The acceptance and belongingness was palpable from that point on, and it continues to manifest in how strong our bond is right now.

Aside from that, I got in The GUIDON, the University's student publication, as a Features writer. This is going to sound like such a humble brag, but I honestly didn't expect to be accepted. I'm well aware of how rigorous the week-long application process is, I got the news from friends who failed to make the cut and even saw it for myself during the general assembly they held specifically for applicants. I remember checking my e-mail and being greeted by a list of requirements I needed to accomplish for both of the staffs I applied for: mock articles, interviews, live tweets that all needed to show my unique writing style and authentic take on issues both in and outside the four walls of the campus, that were so overwhelming in scope that I had to call up a friend just to yell in her ear for 10 straight minutes. For the next few days after, tears were shed, friends were ghosted, drafts were created then scrapped, fished out of the Recently Deleted folder, and revised in an endless and vicious cycle—I don't think I had ever written as eloquently, gone as long without checking my phone, or listened to only one playlist on loop for literal days prior to those moments, and yet I was still very unsure of my chances because I knew I was up against some tough competition: veteran staffers of high school publications, and liberal arts majors who looked like they had more personality in their thumbs than I did in my entire body. I remember beating myself up for backing out of my second choice (hi Vantage), which would significantly decrease my chances of getting in. It's just that I knew I was incapable of submitting anything that wasn't half-assed at that point, and I couldn't bear to show them anything that I myself could not give an Angel Seal of Approval.

Thankfully, all of my hard work paid off eventually. Only two days after I had submitted the folder containing my requirements to the respective editor, I was working on a paper in a cafe (the table adjacent to the door of Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, Robinsons Galleria, to be very exact) when I received the acceptance letter in my inbox. I burst into tears, crumpled to the floor, and replied with the most articulate response I could muster: “SKLDFJSDLKFJSDLKFJSDLFJSLFSDKJ THANK YOU SO MUCH I am literally crying in the middle of this coffee shop.... thank you.... so much....”

As of this writing, I've published two articles under Features: one about the ghosting phenomenon that remains prevalent in romantic relationships, and another about the experiences of Ateneans with autism spectrum disorder. My job honestly feels like both work and a vacation at the same time, because it allows me to talk about a diverse set of topics with interesting people who are experts in the field, while doing what I feel like I'm best at. But, since a part of me will always consider Vantage my TOTGA, I took on some extra work for them and wrote a film review on "G!", a movie that came out as part of the Pista ng Pelikulang Pilipino earlier this year, which has proven itself to be the worst I've seen in my entire life for reasons I cannot even begin to explain. I didn't necessarily have high expectations of it upon seeing the trailer, but I hyped myself up for it nevertheless. I even bought tickets for me and my friend Christine online because I was afraid that they would be sold out, and we dashed out of our MSYS classroom as soon as our professor said goodbye to book a Grab and hurry to SM North EDSA to make it to our screening... only to barge in the theater and see that we were the only two people in the cinema. I mean, there was one couple in the far corner, but they didn't look very present. In addition to that, I did a food review on a JSEC stall called Chopsticks. I honestly think that food is the most challenging topic to write about, because it's hard to convey how something tastes. When someone asks me to describe the viand I'm eating, I often end up just giving them a spoonful so they can see for themselves. But, I hopped on it anyway, because how could I even say no to sampling an entire menu of Chinese food for free? Several plates of dimsum and chicken later, I gave them a well-deserved five star rating and consider myself as a frequent diner. The experience was made extra fun since I was able to chat with the owner of the business, and my photographer who turned out to be someone I followed on Instagram way back in 2015 and admired for how clean and curated her feed was! (Hi, Kim and Alexis hehe)

As if all of the things mentioned above weren't already enough, I also covered a talk on the future of scientists in the Philippines (which I also have an article on—this goes to show just how diverse the scope of my work can get), attended workshops on feature writing and the relation of journalism and mental health, participated in a rally against professors involved in sexual harassment cases in the Ateneo (pretty badass behavior, if you ask me!), and became a facilitator for a high school publication in this event called Point One. I guess I have The GUIDON to thank for my lack of writer's block: they've managed to keep my brain running on hyperdrive, and my creative juices flowing more than they ever have before.

Last but not the least, of course I chose to stay in my home organization, ACTM. Although I didn’t run for any position or apply to be a part of the Leaders Core (yet), I did my best to make myself visible and show my support in any of the events we participated in or projects that we spearheaded. I signed up as a part of the logistics subcore for the annual Prepcourse, where I helped out with set design and ran some errands for officers in the different booths they manned throughout that day. I honestly have a soft spot for the project, since I remember that the first time I felt genuinely happy during freshman year was during my own Prepcourse (Orsem didn't really do it for me, sorry friends) so even though I missed the chance to be a facilitator, I still wanted to be a part of the event in some way. I also hung out with blockmates and friends all throughout Tambay Week, supported our candidates for Mr. and Ms. SOM, as well as our dance team for RIB eliminations, and dressed up as Kim Possible for the annual Halloween party we held—I was even able to go with Ron Stoppable, thanks to my friend Iverson, who dressed up as him as a surprise.

Although the obvious highlight of my stay in ACTM so far has to be attending LEAP, a three-day leadership training seminar in Iba, Zambales. I remember this particular moment where I was wandering around the beachfront, lowkey frolicking in the water, while my groupmates were playing capture the flag. (In my defense, I was never the physically adept type of person, and knew I'd be helping my team out more if I stayed out of the playing area and cheered on them from the sidelines. But, anyway, I digress.) I could see the golden flecks of sunlight glistening on the waves, and the froth from the seawater hitting my toes, and when I looked back beyond the shore, I saw my friends having fun, running back and forth across the sand. As cliche as it sounds, I couldn't help but mutter to myself, "Wow."

Because at that time last year, I clearly remember being slumped on my couch, scrolling through one LEAP-related IG story after another, feeling this sense of FOMO that I didn't know how to deal with. On one hand, I hated that I wasn't part of something that looked equal parts fun and value-adding, but at the same time, I knew that if I were there, I'd be sticking out like a sore thumb and suffering all the more because I was at the point where social interaction had become physically painful for me. Maybe that's why this LEAP was extra special to me: besides all of the great people I met and the insights I picked up along the way, it served as a reminder of how far I've come, and how much farther I have to go during the rest of my stay in college.

(That honestly would have been the perfect way to end this post, but I have so much more I have to cover. How anti-climactic.)

Aside from my newfound love for organization life, I gained a lot of new friends and strengthened the ties I have with old ones. Back then, I was very selective of those I talked to and let in my circle: I let first impressions get the best of me, or allowed shyness to take center stage every time there was a chance to meet new people. Now, I'm close to both blockmates and batchmates: I go to their birthday celebrations, support events that they're a part of, hang out in their condo units to binge on fastfood, or sometimes just sit on the Matteo Steps with them in the middle of doing requirements to vent for 10 minutes before begrudgingly returning to our tables.

I miraculously also had time to sneak in some pretty fun stuff in my schedule despite my workload. Although I wasn’t able to prioritize making content for this blog, I got my writing on the national paper! It was in the first semester of my freshman year when I heard about Inquirer Youngblood from my English professor. Apparently, they accept essays about any topic under the sun from anyone aged 29 and below. Since I felt there would be no harm in trying, I crafted this little piece that aimed to show a different side of being an only child, as opposed to the “spoiled and entitled” stereotype that is usually stuck on us. I didn’t get my hopes up so as to not be disappointed, so when a couple of days had passed and my article wasn’t showing up on print, I gave up and moved on. Good thing my friend Bea sent me a photo of the September 8 issue of the newspaper (coincidentally the same day I got accepted into The GUIDON!), or else I wouldn’t have seen that I got published. I admit that even though writing is all I’ve ever really known since I was young, I’m not a hundred percent confident in my skill, nor do I always see the purpose behind what I do. But, it’s instances like that, that remind me of why I keep at it.

Another capital-G Great thing that happened was getting tickets to the UAAP men’s basketball championship game! As someone who made Ateneo her dream school at age five because of how much she loved the Blue Eagles, witnessing them end the season with a sweep and a championship was everything to me. And getting to do so with my closest friends in my block just made the experience even better than it was. Also, seeing Renzo Subido play in person—all my friends can attest to the fact that I was facing a huge moral dilemma mid-game, because every time he made a basket, I would end up cheering for him. (With a face like that, how could I not though)

I even found my way back in the gig scene after a long hiatus, with no less than Ang Bandang Shirley, Over October, and Munimuni welcoming me back with open arms. I had got tickets on a whim with my friend from my days as a full-on K-Pop stan, Reanna, even though it was the weekend before a big Accounting exam, if I remember correctly. But, I have no regrets: I have a feeling that very few moments in life can make me feel the way I did when Umaapaw (one of my favorite songs in the world) was being played right in front of me. Surprisingly, I didn't cry when that happened—same for Wait and Sa Hindi Pag-alala, but then again maybe I was too dazed to process what was going on.

I saw Ben&Ben just a week ago, which served as the perfect way to cap off this stressful semester. The last time I saw them was way back in October 2018: conflicts in schedule due to prior commitments, or location issues kept getting in the way that it's like they had to take matters into their own hands and head on over to Ateneo just so I could see them again. Although they didn't perform my favorite song, I can't exactly say that I was disappointed because nothing really beats the feeling of seeing them and singing along to tracks that have served as the soundtrack of my life, and are practically etched on my heart. (I am actually tearing up just writing this paragraph god am I emo! I miss them already, wow! Just wanna hear Araw-Araw live, what do I do about this!)

I also managed to finish all 10 seasons of Friends despite my irregular viewing patterns—I started it during our trip to the States before the school year began, and constantly teetered between watching one or two episodes as a reward for finishing a reading due the next day and binging one season during rare weekends that do not require working on deliverables but honestly could have been used to get ahead in lessons. This is a pretty big deal, considering that I have the attention span of a sleep-deprived cockroach and haven't finished a single White People Show since... well, Austin & Ally back in 2017 (which I actually marathoned on Dailymotion, but that's a story for another day). But, I guess there's just something special about this group of pals going through the motions of their everyday lives in the eccentric, sometimes borderline stupid ways that only they can, because I admit: the emotional investment was and is very, very real! I personally identify myself as a Chandler-Rachel hybrid now (thank you, Iverson), try to see which character the people I meet are like most out of fun, and argue to no end with anyone who ever claims that Ross and Rachel (1) were on a break, and (2) are endgame.

Most importantly, I was able to do all of this and still clinch a spot on the Dean's List. I started this semester on an optimistic note: I found all of my subjects interesting, and the professors who taught them, engaging. I'd even make notes on the readings the day before they were to be discussed in class, complete with pops of color here and there courtesy of my fineliner pens and Stabilo highlighters. But, once I reached the halfway point, my motivation started waning. Papers and quizzes, oral exams and video projects were thrown in my direction at breakneck speed: I often found myself cramming output for the sake of having something to submit, and not even having the time to look at readings due for discussion the following day. It came to a point where I thought of shifting out, because I felt I wasn't doing well enough in my majors to justify my stay. Sounds pretty stupid when I look back at it, I guess I simply mistook extreme stress and fatigue with falling out of love with the only program that I ever wanted to get in when I was applying for Ateneo. Thank God I didn't give up though, or else I wouldn't be able to enjoy the fruits of my labor right now. I honestly wasn't expecting stellar grades, considering the number of extracurricular commitments I took on, but now that they're there, I'm not complaining at all! Shoutout to my favorite professors of the semester: Mam Vaswani, who taught me that there is always room for improvement even in my own area of expertise; Sir Atienza, who made lectures feel like casual kwentuhans (or sometimes even chillnumans); and Sir Rebato, who broke the world record for longest patience in the world.

I guess it's safe to say that I am the happiest and most content I have been in a while, and although I am afraid of jinxing it, I feel like it's only gonna go upward from here. I am beyond excited to see where the new year and semester take me, because I know I'll do my part in making sure it's even better and brighter than this one. If you read up to this point, you deserve a pat on the back! Maybe you only scrolled to this point to see if there were any pictures with your face on them, but who cares! It adds to my website traffic, so thank you, happy holidays, and I wish you nothing but love and light always!