#i hate this post so much omg why did i spend 30 minutes writing it

[jodilin65]

SATURDAY, APRIL 30, 2011 I’ll have to remember to keep a watch on the inmate search site to see if Mary’s released next month like she’s supposedly going to be. That is assuming they don’t pull anything else on her to hold her there longer. Technically they could hold her till 2013 if they really wanted to. I hope not, for her sake. And I hope she’ll leave the bad boys and the babies to someone else and that she’s realized there’s life beyond abuse and having babies. I think she has, even though it’s been over a year since I’ve heard from her.

That’s another thing I have to think about right there - if I do hear from her, should I or shouldn’t I respond? I’d naturally be curious to talk to her, but at the same time, I don’t want to get hit with a million favors even if I do know how to say no. At the risk of sounding selfish, I’m too busy to worry about others. Remember, fair or not, like it or not, I’m one of the “chosen” ones destined to be forever poor and that means having to work my ass off any chance I get when online jobs come my way, as well as with my writing.

In fact, I’m going to see if there are any translation jobs or other jobs available, then crank out the next chapter of my book.

Despite being naïve, brainwashed, and abused, I know prison has taught Mary a great deal and that she has grown tremendously since the tragedy she experienced, so whether I hear from her or not, I wish her the best!

FRIDAY, APRIL 29, 2011 OMG, Jesse didn’t come down today! Must’ve gotten a tumor up his ass or something.

I was reading an article yesterday about a 91-year-old woman who’s been selling suicide kits down in San Diego. Plastic bags you place over your head that are hooked up to helium tanks. Like with carbon monoxide, you’re dead in minutes if you inhale helium in its purest state. The woman believes that those who are terminally ill should be granted the same right to die and be put out of their misery as we give animals, and I totally agree. It just seems so insanely inhumane to let people suffer while people are quick to label those who would dare let an animal suffer as mean and cruel.

The funny part was that I posted the link to the article and wrote “Go granny go!” on it. Well, Tammy commented on that with “I don’t know about you? Go Granny Go. You little Sis are mischeivious as ever. Maybe thats what changed things for me, and why I do love you very much.”

Maybe that’s what changed things for her? I don’t get that one. I gotta admit, though, her comment was funny. So was the one she sent after I sent her a quiz in Italian. It’s just one of those Who Were You in Your Last Life things, but she said, “Very funny, sis. How am I supposed to take this quiz?”

I was laughing my ass off the other day at the Klammers. They were getting snowed on and down into the 20s while it was warm and sunny here.

I am so sick of hearing people complain that they have no extra money. Yeah, that’s a bitch, but try not having the money for the things you need. I know we can’t help how we feel about things and how we perceive them to be crisis-wise, but I get tired of hearing people describe the flat tire they got as the “ultimate nightmare” that’s practically the end of the world for them. Really, if a flat tire is so rough on them I’d hate to see them ever walk in the shoes I’ve walked in.

After Tom did the math and all that he estimates we should be back on track by June 3rd. I suppose that’s when the shit will hit the fan again to keep us from getting ahead. It’s once we start to climb ahead that shit happens. If this happened every now and then I’d call it bad luck. But when it happens every goddamn time and a clear pattern emerges I can only call it what it is – something hell-bent on holding us back.

I have already given up the fantasy of owning even the simplest of houses whether it’s in a rural or retirement setting. The question is where we want to spend our lives struggling and in whose little dive.

Tom still insists there’s the potential to make serious money with my writing, but as I told him, I’m still a nobody.

“But all somebodies were once nobodies too,” he pointed out.

True, but it all comes down to fate, and you know what that means for me. I’m not going to give up, though, either way, because being a writer isn’t just what I do, it’s who I am. I even got an idea to try to help promote my book and that was to send a steamy clip from it to that erotica site I submitted a few clips to in the past and include the link at the end of it with a note saying that if they liked the clip they could consider buying the book it came from. Those stories get hundreds of views a day. My first one already has over 32,000 views. I don’t recall anything in their rules about not submitting links, so we’ll see.

THURSDAY, APRIL 28, 2011 I realize things have to get done around here no matter what schedule I’m on, and I appreciate Jesse helping Tom by bulldozing most of the weeds, but I don’t appreciate being woken up by the damn thing either. So when I’m on nights I’ll have to remember to sleep with the sound machine really cranked up and an earplug since he’s obviously going to make a career of coming down here every day.

My allergies have been on a roll so I had to take Benadryl which makes me really drowsy. I was also on a roll with my book, but don’t know how much I’ll get done tonight until the side effects wear off.

It’s been dry and summery in the daytime and chilly really early in the morning. Trying to sleep on Sunday is going to be tough because we’re to be in the mid-70s. We’ll need the cooler that day for sure, and I’ll have to remember to crack the window before I crash.

I chatted with Nane yesterday while she was at work, and Christine checked my blog, but still no Maliheh. There have been tons of tornadoes in the south that have killed over 300 people, but nothing in NC lately. My guess is she’s backing off because of my crush which is anything but mutual. That’s ok, though. I’m too busy for regular chatter and after a few days of it, I do tend to start getting tired of it. I realize she may’ve picked up the other card but I just might not have been notified. I was never notified when Nane picked up hers.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 27, 2011 Life may still suck and we may still be forever “sentenced” to a life filled mostly with struggles and hopeless dreams, but today I feel better than I have in several days.

Tom called when their offices opened and was surprised to get through right away. He learned there was a delay in the processing, but the money will be sent today so that much is good to know. Over the next two weeks, we should have everything we’re owed since he filed for Unemployment.

So after my allergies woke me up and I put a Breathe Rite strip on my nose and popped a Benadryl, I was able to sleep more peacefully than I had in a while.

Jesse came down on the ATV when Tom was out weeding. That’s two days in a row now. Is this going to be a regular habit of his?

TUESDAY, APRIL 26, 2011 Nothing from Maliheh (I wonder if she lost power again), but I got a quick note from Christine saying she was swamped with work since she was out on jury duty.

I was also delighted to hear from Nane, who was cracking up over the “German omelet” thing. I was telling her how Tom told me Apple’s keyboards do umlauts which sounded like omelets.

She said that the guy she’s been seeing has been hogging up so much of her time that she’s been neglecting friends and family and isn’t sure she likes that yet, but is enjoying things while they last.

As I told her, good things usually do come to an end so enjoy them while they last. Meanwhile, I told her to tell him he’s got envious competition. :) And that I’ll outlast him. I’ll just be doing it from a 6000-mile distance, LOL.

I also dropped hints about writing a story with a character based on her but not with her name, of course, just to see how she takes to the idea.

She was telling me that Nane is Turkish for peppermint and how she thought that was pretty neat. I know it’s also Italian for nannies.

And I was telling her how shitty our lives are and how hopeless things seem.

The money still hasn’t been sent. The federal government just threatened the state government to quit fucking around with those on Unemployment or else! But I guess they don’t give a damn and are still taking their sweet time getting the initial checks out. To hell with anyone whose rent may be due in a few days.

As I told Tom, I’m getting sicker and sicker of this shit by the day. I’m not going to make a career out of “fighting” to live.

Some have commended me for not sugar-coating my life and for being honest about when things aren’t going well. Others say I complain too much. Well, it doesn’t matter what others think. Only what I think. And I think I’m sick of struggling. I didn’t come here to work really hard just to be the equivalent of a welfare bum. That means that no, Tom didn’t get the job. This time he tried to get the temp agency to tell him why, but all they would say was that they “went with the other candidate.” Let me guess – the other candidate was young, not white, or both, right? Only they’re not going to say so, so we can sue their asses and end our money problems the easy way.

Jesse was down on the ATV along with someone in a truck which Tom thinks might’ve been his brother. They got something from the shit pile, but fortunately I slept through it.

Wrote the first two chapters last night of my next book, A Rainbow in Munich, and got my second win. It’s only lotion, though.

The rat’s new game is to take my hair down. I knot it at the nape of my neck and he slowly works it out. Because it’s so long it takes him a few minutes, but he’s gotten quite good at it, LOL.

MONDAY, APRIL 25, 2011 Tom had the interview today, and while everything at least “appeared” to go smoothly, it’s not looking good now. It’s a big building but a small company which is run by an older couple. They said they’d call the temp company today, and Tom called them too, but no one’s called to say he got the job. They did say something about the boss being out at the moment and how she was the one with the final say, so it’s possible that she just didn’t make it back yet. Possible, but unlikely.

We still don’t know if it’s his age or what. Just because they’re older themselves doesn’t mean they want to hire older people. Or it could just be that whatever’s got us cursed so badly is going to make sure no one hires him no matter what. I still say it’s too soon for us. Our problems simply don’t go away this fast. Meaning, he won’t have a job before the fall.

All we’ve done since coming here nearly 4 years ago is struggle. I’m trying to wrap my head around the idea of being broke for the rest of our lives and always renting dumpy old trailers, but I just don’t know if I can do it. Some things we just can’t adapt to, and I don’t think I can ever “get good” at being poor. I didn’t come here to be a bum. Period. I didn’t come here to have life treat us as if we were nothing but lazy, undeserving people who deserve absolutely no better in life.

Tom keeps saying that the only reason we’re going through this shit is because of the economy. But we’ve suffered on account of other things in the past as well. It’s like something up there uses whatever it can to get at us. If it’s not freeloaders using the law against us, it’s health problems. If it’s not wild neighbors, it’s money. But ever since finally breaking free of the freeloader’s grip in 2003, it’s been mostly money we’ve been beaten over the head with.

The rent’s due in less than a week and we have not one penny toward it. Tom said we’re getting paid even though we haven’t received the money yet, and while Jesse may have no choice but to bear with us and keep on being the understanding guy he says he is, what if he runs out of patience since he’s struggling himself now that he’s out of work, too? It takes 30 days to evict someone in this state and that’s some consolation. And so is knowing that being here 3 years and being good tenants has got to mean at least a little something to him. It’s knowing that our lives are never going to change from here on out that’s the problem. The longer things stay the same the less likely they are to change.

Killing ourselves around the first would be the perfect time to go. As I told Tom, I no longer want our own house, but I don’t want to struggle in dives for the rest of my life either. If we killed ourselves next month, neither of us would have to die alone. We wouldn’t have to live to get old and deal with all the health problems that would bring. We wouldn’t have to worry about being thrown in some state-run nursing home by people who will only abuse us.

The only way to escape this curse and not spend so much time struggling, stressing and living in misery is through death. I’m getting more and more convinced of this. If I can’t have a reasonably happy life without constant money worries, then I don’t want to live. Not if all whatever’s up there wants to do is treat me like shit and see that I spend the bulk of my life suffering.

Again, that’s really sweet of Dad to offer to help, but he’s not going to be around forever to run to and our problems are getting more and more frequent. And more severe.

Our lives will never get better and I know it.

I’m wondering if Maliheh’s lost power again. She hasn’t picked up the second card I sent a couple of days ago, nor have I heard from her.

Nane’s been on Facebook less and less and I have to wonder about myself at times. How is it I’ve come to be so hot for someone halfway around the world whom I’ll never meet? Am I really missing sex with someone I lust for and who wants to have sex with me and not for me? Then again, I never really had much of that to miss, did I? Another thing I can thank our lovely God for or whatever the hell it is that’s so hell-bent on holding me back in most areas of life. I jokingly told Nane she just needs to bug me with 20 messages a day to get herself out of my system.

She’ll fade in time. They always do. But then a new crush will come to replace her and on goes the endless cycle of fun and frustrating little crushes.

I really thought Nane would check in from work like usual, but just because she hasn’t posted anything on her wall doesn’t mean she hasn’t at least read messages.

Christine’s done with jury duty. It was a home invasion thing where a group of people killed one person and left another in a wheelchair for life. They were found guilty on all charges. Now let’s hope Ohio has the death penalty. :)

Why is it that I have a very strong feeling that if I were ever murdered the killer would go unpunished? And God just might let them win the lottery while they were at it, too.

What does it matter, though? At the rate we’re going, I’m going to be my own murderer.

SUNDAY, APRIL 24, 2011 My sister sent a message saying she hopes we’re doing better, and “happy bunny day.” Happy ratty day instead, I told her. Tom and I are about as religious as a doorknob, LOL.

We looked online at the place where Tom has an interview tomorrow. It’s a huge building and the grounds are beautiful. There’s even a playground for those with kids (I guess they do daycare, too) and a jogging trail. The pay may not be as good but the benefits are awesome. Too awesome for us, I’m afraid. I just can’t see us being blessed with such a job for him, but hopefully he’ll at least get to be a temp for a few months if nothing else.

They say most of us are cursed in 1 of the 3 main areas of life – love, health and money. Well, to say that I am truly loved is the understatement of the century. I have a man that loves and accepts me as I am. Every ability and every imperfection I behold is loved, cherished and accepted. Then as a bonus, I have friends, cyber friends, family and family-like friends who also love me. Not like Tom loves me, but they love me, and some even have a little lust for me. winks

I’ve also been blessed in the health department since I quit smoking in 1997 with the exception of a set of pretty fucked up teeth that need to be knocked out and replaced with fakes, and the fact that I’ve been waking up with backaches and congestion lately. Snap your fingers and I can run a few miles at just about any given moment. Snap them again and I can throw myself on the floor and do hundreds of crunches.

As for the financial zone; I have been all over the scale. A rich kid who’s a sometimes fairly affluent adult and also sometimes dirt poor and fears she always will be dirt poor from here on out. As I’ve said before, not having much extra money isn’t such a big deal to me anymore. It’s when I have to wonder if we can pay for the necessities that I have a problem.

Tom read an article about how those who have had lots of change throughout their lives are the most likely to continue to have changes along with greater odds of success later on in life. It went on to mention writers and painters who didn’t have success till their 40s, 50s, and even 60s. Well, unlike many people – perhaps even most – who have had the same jobs, homes, phone numbers, love lives, etc. for a million years, we have certainly traveled and lived in many places, learned a lot of things, and have had many a fun adventure and experiences with a few disasters sprinkled in.

At the same time, I have often felt stuck in a rut and that’s pretty much how I feel right now – like things will never change. I am still just as cursed as I am blessed, and just as blessed as I am cursed.

For now, we have our fingers crossed for tomorrow, even if it seems “too soon” for our luck to turn around. He probably won’t know anything tomorrow either way, though. I had a slight vibe earlier about him starting on Wednesday, but my dreams have been more accurate than my vibes lately. So let’s hope I don’t have any nightmares tonight.

SATURDAY, APRIL 23, 2011 Made my third book sale! It can’t be from Andy because his computer’s being repaired, so this may be my first “stranger” sale. It’s frustrating that Amazon doesn’t have a tracker so I can at least see what state/country the sale came from. Either way, I’m glad to have made another sale. :)

Tom has an interview Monday morning for an assembly job here in town. You know how it is, though. Our problems aren’t usually just for hours or days but for months or years, so although I do have a good feeling about it, I’m not counting on anything.

Got a box with $11 in spare change from my folks (presumably from their store), and a couple of flower barrettes. One’s bright yellow and the other’s green with glitter. That was very nice of them.

The Belgium winner finally paid for the toy they won, so we won’t have to complain on them on Monday.

Heard from Maliheh yesterday. She was just 500’ away from losing her place. I’m glad she and her house are ok and that she didn’t end up losing work after all.

Jesse drove me nuts with the motorcycle yesterday. He was obviously having a problem with it, so every matter of minutes he’d gun the fucking thing till he finally got it running. You know how that is too – it doesn’t matter if it’s half a dozen freeloaders or one single older person. As long as it’s our neighbor it must be noisy.

I finished my story last night. :) After Alison read the last chapter she said she’s read enough of my stories for the ending not to be too surprising, but would’ve had “Tesla” get arrested for her outstanding warrant so Nane could bail her out, and then have trouble ensue from there.

I thought to myself, what a damn good idea! So I added another chapter and edited that into the ending.

Speaking of Nane, I’ve got some seriously mixed emotions about this new guy she met. I’m happy for her, of course, but I miss her all the more because she’s not on Facebook as much. She used to be on it on weekends, but now she just comes in once or twice during the week from work. She just needs to bug me with 20 messages a day to get herself out of my system, LOL.

I sometimes wish I could stop lusting for those I’ll never meet, but they do make for fun fantasies and great story ideas. In fact, I have a few ideas in mind right now that I’ve been mapping out. I’m just not sure which one(s) I should develop.

THURSDAY, APRIL 21, 2011 Got my first win in 3 years! It was only a coupon for a free pouch of StarKist tuna, but a win is a win. They just need to keep getting bigger and bigger till they equal thousands of dollars once again.

The other night I dreamt I moved to Florida. Only problem is I was moving from Arizona with my parents. I guess they came to get me or something.

Tom said, “Well, as we know, the details of your dreams don’t always matter. It’s the positive message behind them that counts.”

I still don’t see us ever having the money to move there even though the idea of a tropical climate is appealing to me more and more.

In some ways, I feel like I’m in the same prison I was in as a kid. Stuck where I’m at with no foreseeable way out anytime soon.

Last night I dreamt he called me from work, wherever work was supposed to be.

The only disturbing dreams I’ve been having are these dreams where I’m not in jail, nor in a funny farm, but someplace like them against my will. Perhaps these dreams are just a reminder of the fact that I’m never quite going to be where I want to be in life.

I didn’t realize till now that Marie was following me on Formspring. I congratulated her on her upcoming wedding. Hopefully, life will continue to treat her well and she won’t feel the need to become a pest again, LOL. Just say hello every now and then to let each other know we’re alive and thinking of each other. I could never hate her or not want the best for her no matter how crazy she used to drive me.

It’s no wonder I haven’t heard from Christine. She’s been busy with jury duty. She said she’s not supposed to talk about it till it’s over, but it has to do with the worst thing a person can be charged with. Well, I’ll be looking forward to hearing all about this murder case when it’s over.

I still can’t believe they don’t have trained jurors who do nothing but jury duty for a living. There’s just something unnerving about one’s fate being decided by a dozen strangers who were dragged off the streets. Then again, so was having it decided by an old fart donning a black robe who didn’t even know me from a hole in the wall, wasn’t there to actually see the shit I went through as it was happening, etc. Some people are naturally going to be biased no matter what they do/don’t see. They just won’t always admit it and might not even realize it themselves.

Nane didn’t message me or anything like that but she “poked” me for the first time. I asked her where she poked me when she poked me, LOL.

She tends to count down the days till her vacations, and she wrote “23” in Turkish on her wall. I had to look up what it meant, but in response to it I wrote, “Und morgen ist 22!”

The fuckers in Belgium don’t seem to want to pay for the toy, so we’ll soon be filing a complaint with eBay.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 20, 2011 LOL, I just entered a sweep that lets you refer friends and enclose a message as well. So I sent one to Molly and said, "Dear Mrs. M, you’re not very bright for a teacher if you haven’t yet figured out that while you have my site blocked on Molly’s computer, you don’t have it blocked on your own. Please see your daughter for what she is so she can get the proper help she needs to stop her voyeuristic ways."

The troll hasn’t written in her blog in several days which isn’t like her. This makes me think she’s moved on to yet another new account.

Tom debated on whether or not to stop admitting he is qualified as a manager because many companies are afraid to hire them for menial jobs. So then he started applying for positions that actually want managers. Only they pay $18 an hour and I can’t believe anything up there would be nice enough to let him have a job that paid that much. It’s almost gotten to the point where I’m wary of good things happening to us. Where good things should be our compensation for bad things that have happened, we seem to be punished for those good things instead.

Right now he’s off to Roseville for an evaluation test for an assembly job. I know better than to get my hopes up, for chances are it’s just another dry run. If he still has trouble getting a job after he stops telling everyone he was a manager, then it’s got to be age or color discrimination for sure. That was one of my first guesses. It’s a youth’s market out there, and non-whites get first dibs on just about everything these days.

The sweeps are still looking hopeless, but I’m entering as many as I can.

Jesse took off at around 7:30 this morning and there were a few barks since it was cold and early, but nothing like when he leaves at night or used to leave at 5am.

Tom just got back, saying the test was super easy. All you had to do was put 5 numbers in order. And now all we have to do is hope we didn’t just spend $7 on gas for nothing.

TUESDAY, APRIL 19, 2011 Electronic welfare bums, I love it, LOL. We thought we were going to have to go apply for assistance in person and that it’d be an all-day thing, but it turns out that these days you can apply online. So we applied for whatever medical and food stamp assistance we could get. That should be about $210 a month in food stamps, but who knows what medical-wise?

It’s going to take a month or so, and God do I wish we could tell them thanks, but no thanks because he’s got a job! But I know life would never be that easy for us. I also wish we’d known about this when he first got laid off the first time. Had we known about this and MT, life would’ve been a lot easier. We just had no idea we qualified for assistance. No idea at all.

Today I’ve been productive as far as cleaning and working goes, but wasting time in my imagination on Nane. It’s so pointless, I know, but I can’t help but be so damn hot for her!

Molly still views my blog almost every day, but lately it’s just 1-3 times a day. Someone in Dallas, TX finds the Maricopa part of my bio quite fascinating. They even checked out the first part of Oregon.

MONDAY, APRIL 18, 2011 No wonder I haven’t heard much from Maliheh. She nearly lost her house in a tornado! A record number of 63 tornados went through NC and some people were killed. I didn’t hear any mention of Fayetteville, though, so I thought she was ok. But there was a message waiting from her when I got up.

How terrifying that must’ve been! I hope she doesn’t lose her place. I’d be willing to pawn my iMac to help get her out here if she needed a place to stay.

It occurred to me that nothing like that could ever just sneak up on us. I’d have nightmares galore the night before even if they had nothing to do with tornadoes.

The people on eBay sure are strange. The toy we listed sold for $12, plus a fortune in shipping since it’s going all the way to Belgium. But last time around no one wanted the damn thing, LOL.

Anyway, not much going on today. It’s cold and rainy. AGAIN. It’s never warm for long around here so it seems.

I’m taking a break for a cup of soup, then it’s back to work.

SUNDAY, APRIL 17, 2011 Got back from Kmart, which Sears owns, a little while ago. I returned with a 4-pack of satin string bikini panties, 2 glittery bottles of nail polish, a new set of sheets in lavender, and a few 99-cent smellies. Cucumber-melon, Sexy Musk and New Musk. I also got candy and soda.

Tom read an article yesterday about a new prescription medication for people with my kind of sleep disorder and I guess instead of adding melatonin to the body it somehow enhances the melatonin you’ve got. As he said, it used to be hard to find any information on this type of sleep disorder, so to see an article about it tells us it’s getting more widely recognized.

SATURDAY, APRIL 16, 2011 Every day I awake to a blank canvas of white upon which to tell a story. Only my canvas is that of a computer screen and not the rough material of a traditional canvas. Instead of brushstrokes, it is keystrokes that tell my story. The story of my day-to-day life. Sometimes that story is sad. Sometimes it is uplifting. And other times it is thought-provoking.

What appeals to me most about writing more than anything else I’ve ever had an interest in is the fact that there’s the potential to go from good to great. I got to be a good singer, but nothing can ever make me a great singer. I was a good dancer, but in this day and age, nothing can ever make me a great dancer despite being pretty fit. Even though I have a knack for languages my Spanish can never go from good to great because I will never live in a Spanish-speaking country where I have no choice but to use it regularly. But age, environment and money have no discrimination when it comes to the art of writing. I may never be the best writer in the world, but someday I will be a great writer. And someday I just may take Eileen’s advice who pointed out that I’m doing this ALL on my own and that while I’m a good writer, why not take some creative writing courses if I’m open to constructive criticism? I can only get better if I do. For now, though, I have Mitch, and he is a fine writing mentor who compliments and inspires me when I write well, and who gives me that constructive criticism I need when there’s something I need to improve on.

Being a writer, like many fields within the arts and entertainment area, isn’t just something we do, it’s who we are. And most of us have been at it in some form or another all of our lives.

My journal is my non-judgmental therapist to pour my tears out on as well as my friend to share the good times with, and so I will refrain from apologizing if I’ve sounded down quite a bit lately. Being held back in life and feeling powerless to do much about it other than wait it out and hope it doesn’t last too long or get too rough can be a real stressor. If my journal doesn’t mind what I say, then why worry if my followers might?

I called my parents yesterday to let them know the Magic Jack would expire and that it would be a couple of weeks or more before I renewed my subscription. I told them to call the cell if they needed us. Well, I talked to Dad, actually. Mom was at the store. He said I should’ve called and told them and they would’ve paid for it, and that anytime I need money I should let them know.

I told him that was really sweet of him, but I didn’t want to bother them. He assured me it was ok, that’s what they’re there for, and if they couldn’t help, they’d say so.

It’s kind of sad that Tom’s family really put a complex on me so badly as far as reaching out to others for help after they so cruelly abandoned us in the past, but a part of me is also glad I didn’t ask for help. For one, they have enough of their own shit to deal with, and I also know I can’t run to them for help forever.

I didn’t even tell him we’ve been out of propane. Not literally, but we can’t afford to have the main tank filled because they have a 100-gallon minimum and that costs a couple of hundred bucks. Instead, we’ve been alternating between a couple of 5-gallon tanks, taking showers every day and a half instead of every day, and washing dishes/clothes in cold water. It’s lasting longer now that it’s been warmer.

I also didn’t tell him that we’re not starving, but we’re eating as cheap as we can and doing without the extras that we don’t need like soda.

What I did tell him was that we really, really appreciate the $25 IHOP card they sent and the $50 Sears card. We need new sheets and underwear, so the Sears card really helps out.

“If some people can be blessed in some areas of life, why can’t they be cursed in some areas, too?” I asked Tom. “What if we’re just forever financially cursed no matter what we do? What if this is it? What if it’s actually safe to say that if things are this bad at our age, they always will be? What if owning even the simplest, most ordinary house is just a dream, and what if we’re forever stuck in this tiny old trailer with its doors that don’t stay open on their own, its lack of space, and its floors without insulation that they’re so cold to walk on in the winter even with socks? Really, we live like bums yet we have done everything within our power to try to help ourselves better our lives. So what if it’s hopeless?”

But he got me to see that this world recession that’s going on is a very extraordinary situation that won’t last forever and it’s not something up there that’s picking on us even though it sure seems that way at times and like things will never change. He also got me to see that getting laid off under ordinary circumstances doesn’t automatically mean you’d lose your house if you had one since you’re usually only laid off for a couple of months. Then I remembered that he did get laid off shortly after we were married and we never lost the Phoenix house. He also reminded me that had we been smarter about Maricopa and not gotten such a big place that we couldn’t really afford, we’d still be there, even though we both came to hate many things about Arizona.

He may have a point, but I still worry that somehow, someway, no matter what we do, we’ll always be struggling.

I’m still entering sweeps even though that’s not looking promising at all. Things just aren’t what they used to be where that’s concerned. If I ever won big, Miss Hates to Travel is going to visit friends and family for sure, including my best cyber friends.

Anyway, after getting groceries and talking with Dad and Nane, I was in better spirits.

Nane said it’s a little late, she knows, but she is reading my book and congratulated me again for getting it published.

Instead of being flattered, I felt embarrassed and said, “Not the copy with the errors, I hope!” Then I emailed her the corrected copy.

She thanked me; though she assured me she didn’t mind spelling errors and probably wouldn’t even notice. Perhaps not if your first language isn’t English. Then again, her English isn’t bad at all. Some natives don’t speak/write it as well as she does.

She likes my sense of humor and we have fun with our usual jokes and nicknames for each other. I told her the story of how we “met” and explained how Tom read an article saying that if your native language is English, German would be the easiest to learn, even if I half agree with it. She told me how she ended up in NYC. She met this guy in Frankfurt she was with for two years. After he got out of the army he couldn’t find work, so his mother in NYC got them jobs there. She worked for Wall Street which is pretty big bucks. She was 23 at the time and I was 18 and right next door in MA. If only we’d known!

I’m glad I didn’t dump her, and I know this may sound silly as hell, but I feel like we grew closer than ever for some reason yesterday. And it may also sound silly to say it made me feel really good, but it did. :)

I’m hearing less and less from Maliheh and still I wonder if I’ve got anything to do with it or not. It’s like she’s slowly pulling away. If that’s what she wants, then ok. I enjoyed the time we had. I think it’s time to give her a taste of her own medicine, though, if I do hear from her again, and not be so quick to respond right away. Let her wait for me for once.

The fucking dogs drove me crazy last night. I slept till midnight and figured Jesse would be home by then, but no such luck. They didn’t shut up for another hour and I wasn’t sure if it was because the prick finally got home or if the dogs had simply exhausted themselves. If he left at 7:30 like he usually does, I’d be pretty exhausted too if I barked for 5 or 6 hours.

This morning the damn cock was doing his little engine gunning and running routine, though I think it may’ve been the motorcycle. It’s like he’s idling the damn thing longer before he takes off.

Not surprisingly, Tom “ran” into him at the fork when he was putting the trash up. He was either coming or going and mentioned cleaning the cooler and getting it ready for the heat that can’t get here fast enough. Tom said I was on nights now and asked that he wait till next week and he said he would.

FRIDAY, APRIL 15, 2011 Later on this morning I’ll call my folks and let them know their loser of a daughter is about to lose her phone, so they’ll need to call one of the two cells if they want to get a hold of me. As part of my learning to accept the shitty hand the bastard in the sky (or whatever it is) is so determined to deal to me time and time again, I’m trying to focus on the good in losing the phone and not on how much it pisses me off to have to keep on losing this or giving up that. I would prefer to leave my computer on when I’m going to sleep when it’s light out and when the lights on the keyboard and the MJ’s power box can’t annoy me like they would at night. The phone could also ring and wake me up if the computer’s left on. And since things have to get more and more complicated with time, there’s no simple on/off switch for the ringer, and I can’t simply take it off the hook. But now I won’t have to worry about that for a while. The Magic Jack also has a delay in relay and an occasional echo.

I can’t believe I spent most of my childhood and some of my 20s dreaming of moving to California only to end up stuck here in my 40s and hating almost every minute of it. A part of me still wants to scream and cry at the thought of spending many more years or even the rest of my life in this dumpy little trailer. But I think the more we fix it up and make it our home instead of just Jesse’s old trailer, the less I’ll want to leave it after putting so much time into making all the changes. Unless you can buy it outright, it’s just not safe to own a house. One firing or layoff – just one – and you could lose that house or that nicer, more expensive rental in a heartbeat.

By throwing away my dream I then have no dreams to either not be able to achieve or to achieve and lose. Besides, there’s really nothing to “throw away” because it’s not up to me to begin with.

And so every time I long to be in a normal house with adequate space and newer features, I remind myself that it’s better than prison, jail, funny farms, concentration camps, apartments or the streets. It’s even better than an apartment building for old folks only. I’m not stupid. I know that if I lived in one of these places the person above us would have unruly grandkids visiting regularly, the person below us would be obsessed with slamming doors, and the person next to us would be so deaf they blast their TV. Yeah, I know how these things work.

Other than this thing that’s had an obsession with seeing that I’m stuck everywhere I don’t want to be and unable to stay where I do want to be since I was around 15 years old, the weather is improving. We had our last cold day a couple of days ago. Now it’s time to pull the comforter off and put the thin blanket on, though it’ll still be getting cold at night for a while. It won’t be until mid-June before we can have windows open all the time.

So the few trees around here that lose their leaves in the fall are sprouting new leaves and there are baby birds in the nest on the porch. And if they bring Tom a job, it will also be around the same time we can leave the windows open, but somehow I doubt he’ll get a job before most, if not all, of the summer is over.

THURSDAY, APRIL 14, 2011 I miss the beach. I don’t know why. Ocean’s stink, the water’s salty, seaweed’s kind of gross, jellyfish make my skin crawl, walking on sand isn’t easy, and stepping on pointy edges of shells or driftwood doesn’t tickle. Chances are, though, I’ll never see any of it again, so that’s another thing I can forget about.

Tom and I both agreed that instead of buying a place or fixing this place up if I suddenly won 20K, we’d get the hell out of California even if it meant having to go to a place that was cold and snowy. And that’s probably what it would take to better our lives, cursed or not. We’ve been here nearly 4 years now yet he STILL can’t get a permanent job. We spend so damn much of the time being cold enough here anyway that a climate worse than this might be worth it in order to break this horrible cycle we’ve been on for so long.

But I’m almost certainly not going to win 20K and so we’re stuck here. And God knows how many more years things will be as shitty as they have been. I honestly think it will be over a decade before the economy recovers.

What’s both good and disappointing is that the Beanie Babies sold which means less stuff in the way, but they only sold for $37. We were really hoping for $50 - $75, even though we didn’t list the more valuable ones in this batch.

We have a toy I won years ago (a talking animal) up for a buck and it’s got a watcher so maybe it will sell. Meanwhile, we’re so fucking poor I’ll have to call my folks and let them know I’m going to lose the Magic Jack phone since we don’t even have $20 to spare right now to renew it. We’ve got two cells, though, and it’s not like I use the MJ phone much.

Just two days back into exercising and I can already feel a difference in my tummy. I’m still not dieting, but someday I’ll get back on with that, too.

Mitch finally made a sale on Smashwords. :) I’ll definitely take his advice and publish with them too, but not until things settle down a bit here if they ever do.

There are baby birds in the other nest at the other end of the porch now, too. I don’t know if it’s a different family or if Mama Bird moved her babies into this nest. Somehow I doubt they move their babies around.

It hurts to walk on the kitchen and bathroom floors even with socks, that’s how cold it got last night. There’s absolutely no insulation in these floors, none in the so-called roof, and probably very little in the walls. But again, we ain’t getting out of here for a long, long time to come. Might as well try to focus on the good in it – no neighbors attached to us!

Nane really is a fun friend even if she’s not around much of the time. We have our games we play (like what scent I’m wearing) and our nicknames for each other. She’s Goddess Nane and I’m Lady Jodi, even if she doesn’t always spell my name correctly.

I started making my own “hugs” and she thought it was neat and asked how I did it. I told her and she did an ocean scene after I did a rat, not surprisingly for us, LOL.

I told her of a dirty dream I had of her and said she could tell her BF. She said she better keep quiet about it, then laughed and said she just might tell him after all.

The troll took Tuesday off but viewed my blog 3 times yesterday, and I just hit Larry with this second funny/insulting message. I enclosed a joke for old-time’s sake but was sure to insult him a bit along the way, too. It’ll be interesting to see if he ever tells me to fuck off or blocks me. Then again, he may not want to give me a “reaction” any more than the black bitch wants to, who I make a point of reminding of my existence at least once a year. I’d be willing to bet she saves everything I send. Therefore, she had to have been as pissed as I was when Facebook’s latest round of changes deleted old messages, LOL.

Who else from the past have I “dropped” in on? Oh, just Bruce. He was the conceited cock that was a great guitarist. I knew him in Springfield. I liked his guitar playing but I didn’t like him. He was too judgmental but not nearly as bad as Al was. Al was the verbal equivalent of a wife-beater. I even gave him the link to the part of my bio where I mention him, even if it was just one paragraph, LOL. He followed the link but didn’t reply as I both hoped and expected. I just like to surprise people at times. :)

Adonis, my faithful follower with the annoyingly shitty English, said he too, had been thinking about my “preparation” theory. He’s kind of philosophical too, and said what if I’m actually being prepared for riches?

So late in life? I doubt it. I once hoped that my curses would one day be compensated, but each year that passes and I see they aren’t, I give up hope on that one.

Tom said some may think I had it easy just for not having to work out of the house.

Yeah, that’s a definite blessing. But is that blessing why we’re so cursed? Or was I given the sleep disorder as a means of holding us back? After all, I’d be out there working too, if transportation and schedules weren’t an issue, even if I didn’t like it.

Tom said he thinks it’s harder for me because I didn’t grow up poor like he did. It almost makes me wish I had, though, as sad as it may sound. Then maybe I’d be “good” at being poor. Don’t worry, I’ll be a good little bum and roll with the punches sooner or later. I already realized and acknowledged that we’re destined to spend most of our lives struggling. Acceptance will come, probably sooner than even he thinks. I’ve had financial problems almost all of my adult life so it really is nothing new. The only new twist is that starting in Oregon, but mostly starting in Cali in 2007, it went beyond just not having extra money and became a struggle to pay for the necessities as well.

OMG, though! God is going to allow us enough food to eat this week! But wait. Just what exactly did Tom and Jodi S do to deserve the right to eat this week??? Hell, I thought we deserved a little starvation mixed into the shitty hand He keeps dealing us. After all, we’re just a couple of worthless losers who try too hard to get ahead, aren’t we?

Later…

OMG, this is so fucking funny! It’s nice to be able to laugh for once, too. To send feedback on my-diary you have to give your email addy. Or at least most people think you do. As long as the @ symbol is present and you use a real carrier, you could send it from fuckyou@yahoo.com if you wanted to. Someone wrote “You have no life” in regard to the first part of my bio. Well, another thing a lot of folks don’t know is that you can search FB for any users signed up with a particular email addy. So I ran the addy on FB, which is in Sunnyvale, CA, and up came a person with the same name as in the addy. I was a little surprised at who I saw in the profile pic, even though anyone could’ve sent the feedback. Usually, such comments come from kids. Not from what appears to be a woman in her 40s. I sent her a message thanking her for her feedback on MD and let her know that I already figured out years ago that I had no life. Oh, and to have a nice day. :) ROTFL! She is going to be one shocked lady! LMAO!

It’s funny in itself, but hopefully it’ll keep her from being a potential troll. As soon as I “called out” that Canadian troll on MO it disappeared really fast. Guess that’s what you get for fucking with a savvy net nut. :)))))))

TUESDAY, APRIL 12, 2011 We have now been in this little old trailer for 3 years. 3 years and counting. Acceptance is getting a little easier, but it’s one of those things that will take time and that will happen little by little. I just remind myself – whenever I start to feel saddened or angry – that there are worse places to spend the rest of our lives in. Much worse.

Death may be the only escape from the curse we’re under, but I really believe that the best way to deal with it while we are alive and the best way to lead a happier life is to just make the best of what we can do/have and stop trying to turn dreams and fantasies into the reality they can never be. So I’m going to keep the list I made up handy of all the things I want to do to fix this place up as time and money permits and make it our home. I think the more we personalize it and remodel it to our tastes and comfort, the happier I’ll be. Maybe we can even add on another bathroom eventually. The clearing that this trailer is on is narrow and so we’re limited as to how much outside space we have as well as inside. It will take many thousands of dollars and many years, assuming we make it through this latest ordeal, but it’s a hell of a lot safer and smarter than continuing on with this stupid fantasy that we could one day own a house and not lose it. Why pay to fix things that break and worry like crazy about losing them until we actually do? Just one lay-off or firing is all it takes to lose a place, and just about all jobs will eventually let you go for some reason or the other. Very few people ever work at the same place till they retire. It may be easier and tempting to want to run to a bigger, newer place if we ever could, but how could I enjoy it if all we’re going to do is stress and struggle to maintain it? We do enough of that right here in what’s just about the cheapest place you can get for being in California.

This is where we live. This is where we stay. This is what’s meant to be.

Don’t know if the Beanies are going to sell or not yet. They’re getting a hell of a lot more views than the last small lot we tried to sell, but in my experience the more we need money the less likely we are to get it.

At least I sold another copy of my book and Eileen’s going to leave a review. I asked her to, since it couldn’t hurt, but only if she likes it, of course, and she said she’d be happy to. Her mother’s going to read it, too. LOL, it’s a good thing we Jews tend to be more liberal.

I’m not going to bother dieting, but I’ve gone back to working out. No need to fall out of shape just because I don’t care right now that I’ve got too many pounds and inches to my name, is there? But why my weight hasn’t kept climbing and climbing is a mystery to me. At this height and age you, can’t just eat like a normal person. But I’ve been eating quite “normally” at 1500-2000 calories a day and being as lazy as can be. I’m not saying I’ll never diet again. I’m just not in the mood to put added pressure on myself until and if our finances get so bad that I’m forced to go hungry. I’m more focused on saving money right now, and part of that means buying cheap food that tends to be higher in calories.

I’m doing arm, ab and leg exercises which take about 15 minutes. Then I’m running 4 minutes every hour for about 10 hours. My screensaver is set to blackout every two minutes, so I’m doing two “blackouts” per hour.

I got a clever idea earlier to take a spring hook off an old purse strap and attach it to my robe. This way I just hook it to the belt loop instead of having to use the belt which only keeps slipping loose.

Again I’m wondering if Nane’s worth keeping as a friend. I’d just hate to dump her and end up regretting it. I reached out to her about a week ago when I was feeling blue and wanted to chat. I realized she could be busy and it’s not like she’s obligated to cheer me up or anything like that, but the least she could’ve done was at least answer the damn message once she finally got back on Facebook which is where I sent it. She just got back from what I could tell, but she’s completely blown me off. I expected a reply or one of her “hugs” or something, but I’ve received absolutely nothing. Makes me also wonder if I should share a certain story with her. :) She did, however, let me know that my book is $3.44 in US dollars in Germany. So almost half a buck more there.

No troll today. I’m surprised. I’m also wondering how long she can stand to go before she does something to try to make me discuss her in my blog which is exactly what she wants.

Later…

I see myself hurrying down the curvy dirt drive and out to the main road. My heart trembles with fear yet with determination as I wait for the next vehicle to round the corner at 45MPH. When it does I refuse to let myself chicken out. I bravely hurl my body in front of it, allowing the impact of the vehicle to smash the life out of me.

Gone are the money worries. Gone are the lost dreams. Gone is the pain.

And then I snap out of this scary yet appealing fantasy given how shitty my life is right now, and reality hits me in the face like a bowling ball.

I don’t have the guts to kill myself. The only thing that’s going to give me the guts to actually do it would be if anything happened to Tom or things got to the point that they were literally unbearable and there was simply no way to survive.

I wish I could know what dying would be like for me and what – if anything – awaited me on the other side. Knowing this may or may not give me the guts it would take to kill myself before things got a chance to get to the point of no return, though it’s true that Tom is another big reason I still exist. He’s a pretty independent guy who could get along just fine on his own. But I know he’d be sad and lonely without me. The older we are, the less likely we are to find someone to settle down with, especially if we’re not very sociable to begin with. So if I died now and he lived another 30 years, that’s a long time to be alone.

Will things ever get unbearable? Well, obviously we can’t live forever no matter what happens. So yeah, eventually Tom’s going to die and I’m going to kill myself if nothing happens before then to cause me to die first or us to die together.

And then another theory popped into mind that got me wondering about something. I assumed all these spells we’ve been going through where we’re teased with our survival were strictly to punish us. But what if it’s something more? Is it preparation of some kind? Back when I was hauled into Florence Jail I got the distinct feeling something was trying to prepare me for something. It was. Six months of hard county time in Phoenix. So if this truly is a preparation of some kind, then what could it be for? Is it trying to “toughen” me up and help get me gutsy enough to kill myself with or without Tom?

“I’m almost 54 years old and things have always worked out,” Tom told me the other day. “So there’s no reason not to think it won’t work out this time, too.”

Ah, but they say there’s a first time for everything.

MONDAY, APRIL 11, 2011 I dreamt that Tom got a call for a job. I don’t know if he got the job, but he got called for one. Although I didn’t wake up feeling as blue as I have been these last several days, this doesn’t mean I think or feel he’ll get a job anytime soon. Unfortunately, most of the dreams I have that come true are the bad ones. He’ll probably get calls on and off for the next few months, but you know our setbacks last longer than just a few weeks. Even so, Tom’s thinking of leaving out the fact that he was a manager in the past. Since all he can get are menial temp jobs, having that on his record is a very bad thing since no one wants to hire managers for shit jobs, and he’s not going to tell them, “Hey, I’m so desperate I’ll take any job.” The tough part is not only finding a job, regardless of pay but finding one in town so he doesn’t have to drive forever. Especially since gas prices are getting out of hand again.

“Do recycled bird’s nests still count as bringing good luck?” I asked Tom the other day. After all, it is a used nest they’re using out on the porch. He assures me they probably had to remodel somewhat. Well, we’ll see what happens over the next few months and if it’s still a “lucky” thing or not.

We listed 100 Beanie Babies on eBay starting at $24.99. Again, a true test of just how cursed we may or may not be at the moment.

Our connection has been slow as hell. Maybe in a few more years or so, we can get reliable service out here without having to play phone with them all day every few months and beg them to give us the speed we’re paying for.

Christine has been sick with a fever so that’s why I haven’t heard much from her. Hopefully, she’s better now.

Molly’s back to viewing my blog. Yeah, I knew she would be. Houston, TX viewed me too, and when I see anything Texas I always wonder if there’s a connection. Especially when it’s a direct jump.

Anyway, it’s back to not allowing anonymous comments on my blog now that she’s coming around again. In her own blog, she’s written the exact opposite of what she said last time. She’s just back and forth and back and forth like a yo-yo. One entry could say she’s sick of her “friendship” with Alison and she’s not worth bothering with, the next (written just hours later) could be all about how she hopes to earn her trust again and win her friendship over. She’s also swung back the other way with Roman, admitting to harassing him again. She said she’s “not sure” why she can’t stop calling and texting him. Then after claiming to feel oh so loved by fellow thoughts members, now she feels slighted.

People have left comments saying you can’t make people like you, the internet is not real life, and that it’s a waste of time feeling hurt over people online when she should be out meeting people in person.

And it’s all gonna go in one ear and out the other.

She supposedly started a new medication, but I really don’t think all the therapy and medication in the world can help people like her. It didn’t seem to help Marie. I think the only way to stop Molly from bothering people online is to prevent her from being able to get online in the first place. The mother’s obviously not very bright for a teacher if she hasn’t yet figured out that while she may’ve blocked my blog on Molly’s computer, the nut can still get to it on hers.

Later…

If there was the slightest, microscopic amount of doubt left in me as to us not being meant to have money, it’s gone now for damn sure. The economy is so damn bad we’re almost certainly guaranteed not to have even a few grand in the pension fund. Anything to keep us poor and from buying a house. Anything. But that’s fine; I already decided I don’t want a house just to lose it and have to pay for things we can’t afford to fix until we do. So fine. We’ll stay right here. But a little extra money to fix this place up would’ve been nice.

It’s all there, though. The pattern is so damn clear. First we lose hope of ever getting anything from his mother (if she can ever die), then the horse program tease, then the partnership tease, and now God’s made sure to use the economy to fuck us out of our pension. “What’s all that tell you?” I told Tom, trying to point the obvious out to him. Yet he insists that there’s no way I could be screwed out of my inheritance and that while it may suck, now’s a “great” time to be poor because the county could end up saving us a whole “boatload” of money on my teeth.

I first thought it would take months and months to get approved for help with my teeth. But the county funds the dental, he learned, which explains why the state could afford to drop it and not have anyone bitch about it. The state, however, is the one that deals with food stamps, so that would definitely take months.

If I could get my teeth done for free or close to it that would be great. But that’s just one thing. What about our overall day-to-day lives? I’ve known since 2007 that we were meant to be poor for the most part. That’s pretty much when it became obvious enough and I put two and two together and figured it out. I also figured as much as far as us getting fucked out of the pension. So then why is it so hard on me? Why can’t I just accept the fate that’s been handed down to me and just roll with the punches? Why get upset over what cannot be changed? Like wasting time getting upset when a state votes down gay marriage. Well, of course they’re gonna vote it down. Most people hate gays. It does get easier with time, but I still need to fully accept it if I’m ever going to have an easier life. I’ve given up my dream of a house, not that I ever had much choice, and I’m sorry it’s taken me 3 hopeless dreams to finally realize that whether my dream is far-fetched or perfectly reasonable, it’s not meant to be if the dream belongs to me. I’ll know better when dream number 4 rolls around and won’t even bother to think of trying to make it a reality.

This reality hitting home more and more makes me all the more hesitant to bother sweeping. Not just because the odds these days are astronomical but because if we, Tom and Jodi S, aren’t meant to have big bucks, then that’s all the more reason to believe I’ll never win.

Again with the troll coming to my blog today, so again I’m thinking of creating our own site and blocking that IP# altogether. Well, Tom will have to do it, but I did suggest it since he’s going to be out of work for months. Yeah, that call I dreamt he got never came. You know only the bad dreams are allowed to come true. Or something bad after having a bad dream.

I HATE God above so bad now! And I don’t care if He punishes me for saying so. What more can He do to us? He’s taken our dreams, taken our pension, taken our LIVES. We are so His little puppets on a string for life.

Later…

I meant it when I said that not having extra money was ok so long as we could pay for our needs, but sometimes I’ll miss the lack of choices and opportunities a life of struggling will bring us. It may not be necessary, but it would’ve been nice had a year of Harry & David’s been a choice for us, and it would’ve been nice to spend a day being pampered at a spa if we wanted to or to decide to take a vacation somewhere if we ever decided we could use a change in town/scenery, despite hating to travel.

To assume we’ll be screwed out of our pension is as reasonable enough as assuming one will be hurt if they fall 20 feet. And we WILL lose the inheritance. God will make sure doctors, hospitals and other medical-related expenses drain the money in the end. I’m not stupid. I get how it works for us. It started becoming rather obvious in late 2006, but each year it gets more obvious.

I am determined to just learn to accept things as they are and roll with the punches rather than waste time trying to change and control what we can’t. We DID try to better our lives, so no one can say we didn’t try. Also, there is some good in being poor. Poor gets you more breaks and freebies and it makes you appreciate those few scattered bursts of good times. So poor is ok and I’m ready to make the best of it since it cannot be changed.

Now, speaking of working with what we do have and not worrying about what we can’t have, here’s a list of long-term goals. We can do these things as money permits.

New carpet New paint New floors I would like light-colored countertops, but that’s not necessary Install more outlets? Flat-top stove Bigger water tank New doors Water filter so we can drink tap water? Twin waterbed for me New bed/couch of some kind for him Shelves Curtains or drapes for the bedroom Square clothesline Soundproofing and or insulation to regulate inside temp Add-ons: bathroom, bedroom, laundry room

This will take many thousands of dollars and many years to do but this is a REASONABLE goal. Having a savings and buying a house is not. I think we can and should do this. It may not be our #1 choice in life, but you know life isn’t what we plan it. We live the lives we were meant to live and I don’t think it’s all that bad at all when you consider how much worse it could be. I do, however, think we should get Jesse in here next fall to fix the heater and faucets. Remember, if we’re going to focus on the good of renting/being poor, it’s having someone else pay to fix things. So life won’t be what we want it to be, but we can make the best of the life we never wanted or intended to live. Sometimes you just gotta MAKE the place you’re in your forever home because it’s the only one that can be forever.

I also want to sell/donate most of my dolls to free up more space.

SUNDAY, APRIL 10, 2011 Just thought I’d write in between entering sweeps. The sweeps that seem very unlikely that I’m going to go back to winning like I used to. Can’t say I didn’t try, though.

The Beanie Babies didn’t sell. Next we’re trying a huge lot and we’re going to go with parcel post instead of priority mail. This will be a true test as to just how cursed we are since there’s no way this shouldn’t sell.

Believe! That’s what Eileen keeps saying to me. But how can I believe when 80% of the last 3 ½ years have been so shitty? How can I believe when we spend 22 months on Unemployment and then after just 6 months of work we’re laid off again?

I think that people who haven’t had it as bad as we have just don’t realize that it’s not that easy to just “believe.” I know they mean well, but it’s not like we can flick a switch within our brains and believe whatever we want to at will. If that were the case I wouldn’t feel stress, depression, frustration and such an extreme loss of faith, even if I’d only be kidding myself in believing things will work out. And they just may work out in the end, too. But in “working out” that probably means a few months on the job after God knows how many more months of struggling to find one in the first place and trying to make ends meet. All we’ve done since coming to California is just go round and round in circles. I’m coming to hate it here, but if a person is cursed, wouldn’t they just get the same results no matter where they lived?

The stress which has turned into depression is killing my motivation to work out and lose weight. I’ve gained back 17 of the 30 pounds I lost. All lost weight eventually finds its way back home, but why don’t I care? Why can’t I get myself to want to diet and exercise? How much more must I gain back before I finally get my ass in gear in that department?

Instead, all I want to do lately is eat, sleep, write and listen to music when I’m not entering sweeps or doing what work I can do online. Today, though, I got a lot more sleep for the depression. I crashed around 5am and then the sound machine broke and woke me up around noon. The old, ancient portable one did, not the off-tuned radio station on the stereo. Then I fell back asleep and got up around 2pm. I was up for about an hour, and then fell back asleep till around 4:00. Then I got up, fell back asleep around 6:00 and didn’t get up till 8:00. Am I really that depressed that I had to spend most of a 15-hour period sleeping?

During my second round of sleep, I had a dream of being in a tiny, old dump laid out sort of in a square like the dump we rented in Oregon. There was a room on each corner – two bedrooms, a living room and a kitchen. I was in one of the bedrooms which seemed bigger than the bedrooms in the house actually were and saw rivulets of water leaking down part of one wall. I ran to tell Tom about it but saw that he was asleep on the living room couch. I changed my mind and decided not to bother waking him up for something I simply didn’t want to deal with anyway. So I let it leak and went to change the rat’s cage which was also in the bedroom. That’s when I noticed that all our digital clocks simply had the number 4 for the hour, but no minutes visible. Number 4, the real 13.

Was he laid off as a means of protecting Jesse? I wonder that. Seriously, maybe Tom was meant to lose his job as a means of trapping us here so Jesse doesn’t go further into the hole financially. Had he been hired on and given a raise recently, we just may have moved this summer. On the other hand, I would think Jesse would be able to re-rent this place in just a month or two.

If we were smart we’d take our pension money and make this place as comfortable as we possibly could and just stay here forever. If we live long enough to get it, that is. I’m sure Jesse wouldn’t mind having life-long tenants, and it would certainly be safer. The dogs only bark once or twice a week for a few hours now instead of every day for 10 hours like they used to, and even if Tom got a great job with great pay – well – all good things do come to an end, so it’s better to just stay put than take risks. I’m sure Jesse would let us paint and recarpet and personalize the place to our tastes and comfort as money permitted. It’s something to think about. We’d certainly never have to worry about neighbors being just a few feet away from us in this place.

I like different people’s marketing ideas for my book. Eileen suggested a TV or radio station, Maliheh suggested YouTube, and Mitch suggested another self-publishing company that I guess has better features and pays 85% royalties. I appreciate their suggestions, but right now we have more pressing issues at hand than trying to get my book to sell. And also, good writers that aren’t great simply aren’t good enough for big sales. I need to keep on improving.

Maliheh said people were freaked out about the government shutdown and says people are starting to struggle where she is and that if it weren’t for the army base nearby, Fayetteville wouldn’t exist.

I wonder what’s up with Christine. She hasn’t been to my blog since Thursday and hasn’t replied to my email.

FRIDAY, APRIL 8, 2011 Sandy finally made it into my blog, though she only scanned the first page from what I could tell. She must not have gotten the message till a short while ago because her friend count just went up. Larry and Jenny may not have gotten their own messages yet, though I think it’s unlikely that they haven’t. I’m just surprised none of them have blocked me, especially Jenny.

Molly’s latest hilarious entry which included two more “letters” to Alison and Roman, said she hasn’t been spying on Alison because she’s “been asleep for a few days,” LOL.

Her “letter” to Roman starts off with, “The reason I don’t want to talk to you,” yet she’s talking to him in her blog. shakes head What a nut. Just what a nut.

I was feeling a little down last night and reached out to Nane, asking if she wanted to chat come morning time her time, but not surprisingly, she’s blown me off. I’ll probably get a little “smile” or a “hug” tomorrow or the next day to make up for it. I guess I can’t blame her, though. I mean, what can she do other than listen to me vent? If no one here in my own country can help me, then how could anyone in Germany help me? They could momentarily cheer me up and even make me laugh, but they couldn’t fix the problem at hand and lift the curse that’s been on us so we could actually get ahead for once and stay ahead for more than 5 minutes. She probably had to work, too.

I asked Tom what he thinks is the reason he didn’t get the job he wanted – his age or his color – and he thinks it’s because he worked so long as a manager and most people feel that because of it he wouldn’t be happy doing menial tasks.

So much for thinking experience gets you ahead, if he’s right. Don’t you just love it when others take it upon themselves to decide for us what we’d like, not like, want, or not want in life?

Still only one sale. I was really hoping more of my Facebook friends would be interested, but I guess not. And it doesn’t look like the Beanie Babies are going to sell either.

Although I still don’t like the idea of the aches and pains that often come with old age, I want to grow old and die of natural causes while surrounded by people who care about me. But I know this is just a dream like any other I’ve ever had in life, and that my quest for security is a joke. Never will I have even the simplest house where we’re both insured and neither of us has to wonder if we’re going to make it. Instead, here I am, still wondering if we’re going to be alive this summer. Will we be? And if we are, how about next winter? At the same time, it seems something wants us to just barely get by so we can live to be teased, picked on and punished.

It seems we’ve fallen into a regular pattern of wondering if we’re going to survive and we just can’t break this pattern. I wasn’t kidding when I said I missed some of my old problems. They were depressing and frustrating, but they were safer and less scary. Yet it seems the past only comes back to haunt us when it’s in a bad way.

I just want to be happy. I want to laugh, joke and live comfortably. Not like a queen in a mansion surrounded by tons of luxuries; just comfortable enough. I want to go back to worrying about things like my weight, not whether or not we may have to kill ourselves in a few months to avoid homelessness. Each year we continue to struggle, the more I lose faith and the more certain I am that things will never change and that this is what’s meant to be for us. I just don’t know what we did to deserve it.

For now, since I can’t seem to motivate myself to work out, I’m going to get some proofreading done of old journals, but I’m no longer going about it the way I had been by reading them word for word. Now I’m just running a grammar/spell checker through the files.

Later…

I’m sitting here wondering how the hell I’m going to market my book. How can I gain publicity, thus buyers?

If just half a million people in a country of what has over 250 million people would buy it, we’d never have to worry about money again. sighs But this book isn’t the greatest and no one knows who I am. I may be pretty good, but I still need to improve my grammar and things like that. Tom said I should also stop writing stories with characters based on people I know and events based on things I’ve actually experienced.

I almost wish I were suddenly famous or infamous for some reason or another, but without all the other shit that would go with it. If I were suddenly arrested for murder like Amanda Knox was, then people would be driven to buy it out of curiosity. So I need to think of a hook – one much less extreme – that would generate sales. But how? What can I do? How can I pique people’s curiosity since I’m not already a well-known writer?

Eileen suggested I see if a local TV or radio station would have me on as a guest to help promote my book, but I don’t see why they’d care to help promote me out of millions of other writers who are now turning to Kindle. It’s becoming a common thing for writers to bypass traditional publishers altogether and go straight to Kindle. I’m just one person floating about in a sea of thousands and thousands of other writers.

I could sit here and fantasize about becoming some sort of hero by maybe rescuing some people from some kind of disaster and getting publicity that way, but that’s just not going to happen.

And so I’ll probably only sell a few more copies, if even that, and we’ll go on to struggle. It’s really quite a pisser to know that the only way to get a guaranteed roof over your head, food in your tummy, and all the medical care in the world is to do something bad enough to land yourself in prison for life.

THURSDAY, APRIL 7, 2011 Although I’m trying and trying to shake it, I’m kind of depressed right now. Nothing we’re doing to try to help ourselves seems to be working yet. We have no bids on the Beanie Babies and I’ve only made one book sale so far. I didn’t expect much in the way of book sales since I’m not well known, but it still would’ve been nice to make more than one sale.

Marie did reply to the message I sent her about the book. She was happy for me and seems to be doing well except for a leg injury. She said she wouldn’t email me unless I email her as she knows I don’t want to go back to the constant messages. She said she’d go read my book, but I don’t think she realized she can’t “read” it without buying it, and that I was saying I got a book published for sale, but that’s ok.

She’s also with someone she says she’s marrying this July. I hope she’s happy and that things work out for her. Despite the stress and annoyance she put me through, I doubt I could ever dislike her. I think a part of me will always love her.

I’d say David definitely got my message too, LOL, since someone in Mesa, Arizona did a search for me and stumbled onto my blog. I could see what pages were accessed, but there’s no way to know which pages he himself accessed. Since all but one of the other visitors were regulars, I’d say it probably was he who accessed my archive and photo albums. Only about 5 older entries were accessed. I wonder if he’ll come back, though I doubt it.

Although I didn’t get up till close to 2pm, the day was filled with outside annoyances, though I’m not sure Jesse had anything to do with any of it. A wood chipper was annoying me for a while, then I heard what sounded like a ball bouncing which took me on an unpleasant trip down Memory Lane and back to Phoenix. There I got to enjoy 5-hour basketball games regularly that were just a few feet from our windows. They might as well have been bouncing the damn ball off the wall of our house, that’s how loud and obnoxious it was.

Jesse does have concrete at the front of his house, and while the thumping was relatively soft, it was annoying enough. I first thought his kid was bouncing a ball in front of his place, but it was actually someone hammering in the distance.

Then it was off to run the weed whacker, which I think probably was Jesse. Stupid of him too, since we might get a little more rain this month before it stops till the fall.

I forgot to mention in my last entry that Jesse’s not doing too well either. Of course he’s doing much better than us in that he has land, a nice house with adequate space, more than one vehicle, etc., but he too, has no income coming in at the moment. He’s still trying to get on either disability or retirement. But at least he could borrow money, as we know he did for that little car. We have no one to borrow from, and not having any income other than what we make online is pretty scary. I know I don’t have to take it, though, and that I can end it anytime. I don’t have to take another 30-40 years of this shit.

Sometimes I want to throw myself on the bed and cry, but the tears just won’t come. If bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people so much of the time as is what seems to be the case, do I have to hurt someone to get ahead?

I’m just depressed. Too depressed to care about things like dieting, exercising, language studies and things like that. Right now I’m only focused on how to either make money or save money. Besides my writing, of course, but sometimes even that’s hard to concentrate on.

Being aware of my “life sentence” of struggling in other people’s tiny places is one thing, accepting it is another. Why can’t I just cram reality down my throat and move on?!

I hate older places not just because I prefer the looks of modern places but because they tend to have more problems. So I try to at least be glad we don’t have to be the ones to pay to fix things as they break around here.

Paula called and even she’s doing better than us. Her weather was nicer, her court case might be dismissed, she’s been granted section 8 housing, and she met a “great” guy in a chat room who lives in Sacramento. She was glad to hear about the book, but can’t access the link to that which I enclosed in an email, or my blog because she doesn’t know how to enable links. Hopefully, Justin can set that up for her.

Molly’s still staying away, now claiming that she “learned” from her doctor today that not everyone is going to like her. Wow, you mean it took her 27 years to figure that out? That’s kind of sad. But she’ll get hit with amnesia soon enough. I really think she’s got this sick addiction for bothering those who don’t like her, much in the way I did with the pranks 20 years ago, which she struggles with and has to fight the urges constantly. She’s been the way she is for nearly a decade that I know of, so who knows how long it will go on?

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 6, 2011 Got my first book sale! It’s probably Christine, Eileen or Andy, and my sales will probably drop off to nothing once my friends help themselves, but it’s still pretty cool either way. Poor Mitch, though, LOL. The guy has no sales yet.

Perhaps another reason it’s not that exciting to me besides the fact that everything else in life sucks, is because it’s not a regular book. It’s a lot like selling something on eBay instead, only it’s something I made.

Eileen was busy with her grandkids, so that’s why she didn’t respond right away. She’s sorry about Tom losing his job but psyched about the story and said she’d download it to her Kindle. I don’t know if Christine has a Kindle, but even though I offered to give her a free copy since she’s a friend, she said she’d rather buy it and loves to read anyway. That is so cool of them! Some are posting the link to the book on their Facebook pages.

Nothing from Tammy yet, though it occurred to me that she might be jealous over something like this. Anything artistic tends to do that to her, LOL, though bookwriting isn’t the same as singing, so who knows? It could be that she’s upset that I haven’t talked to her on the phone, but who cares?

I “dropped” my book link on his brother David. He’s the only one of Tom’s siblings/in-laws I could find, besides his two kids. I even let Marie know, though I have a feeling I may regret that one if I hear back from her.

Not sure how the hell I did it, but I managed to sleep through Jesse coming down to fix the pipe. He said something about coming down to do additional work, and tomorrow we’re supposed to have thunderstorms, so I’m sure my sleep will still be disrupted at some point. Now’s when I hate to be on nights and I hate to be on days. On nights I don’t sleep well, on days I don’t get enough time alone with him out of work. I haven’t had any time alone since I got up 9 hours ago. I hate that! I just want to be ALONE! Gotta get used to it, though, since it’s going to be months before he’s working again.

We listed a lot of 6 Beanie Babies on eBay, so hopefully we can start selling them off lot by lot.

I’m going to send my folks excerpts from the book, some jokes, and a screenshot of the book at the online store. Just not until we have extra money for stamps. I don’t want to spend money on anything we don’t need right now.

Here’s Molly’s latest load of bull. She erased all her other entries, but she does that regularly. I’ve come to know her well enough to know that her words won’t mean much for long. The last sentence alone tells me she’s still hoping to “win” us over. I just don’t get why I’m lumped in as one of her “former friends.” Is she delusional as well as lacking in self-respect that she’s got to seek out negative attention from those she knows hate her?

Molly wrote that she was not in a healthy state of mind during the years she bothered her former friends. She said she was sorry for her past actions online, admitting she didn’t know how to stop herself. She apologized for what she did and said online to people and hopes for reconciliation. She claims she recognizes that she wasn’t thinking rationally when online and now wants harmony without conflict or name-calling.

TUESDAY, APRIL 5, 2011 I called to wish my dad a happy 80th birthday. Ma was on the line too, but I mostly talked with dad, as usual. He sounded chipper enough for being the old man he now is, as amazing and as sad as that sounds. They had a dry spell, I guess, and said they got some much-needed rain today that was to stop by the time they went out for dinner.

Dad’s hopeful for book sales and says to get everything we can get, assistance-wise. Yeah, it’s looking like we’ll have to, unfortunately. I appreciate whatever help we can get, but still, we didn’t come here to be a couple of welfare bums. I’m not sure which was the bigger mistake, moving to Oregon or moving to California. Life is so not what we plan it to be. But sadly, we are where we’re meant to be which is basically nowhere. In 5 years, if we’re still around, we’ll still be broke and uninsured. Same with 10 and 20 years from now. It’s like a life sentence of sorts that’s been handed down to us where we must spend 80% of our lives struggling to survive.

They’re sending another IHOP GC which is so nice of them, so we at least have that to look forward to since there’s no extra money for eating out. We don’t usually do that much anyway. It’s bad for our diets, and most restaurants are pretty wild these days unless you go in the middle of the night or early morning when the animals disguised as children are less likely to be out and about.

I told them a little about the weather, what we found out about the county and the dentist, and our plans to give the Beanie Babies another go on eBay. We’re going to list them tomorrow, so long as nothing comes up to mess with our plans.

I’ve been tired for most of the day because I barely slept 6 hours cuz of the stress. Tomorrow I’ll also be in for some more shitty sleep because there’s a slight leak in the pipe going into the trailer, so Jesse’s coming back down to fix it. Tom told him I’d be asleep till noon, but I’m sure he’ll wake me up anyway. Especially since I may need to sleep past noon. I guess the worst-case scenario is he wakes me up while he’s here, then I go back to sleep. Lost sleep or not, at least it’s another reason to be glad we don’t have our own place and probably never will.

Despite all the fuss the guy at the temp agency made and the way he got Tom all hopeful, he’s been completely blown off, probably because he’s older and white. I’m not surprised as I said before since we’re not allowed any short-term problems in life. He’ll be out of work for months.

I had wondered if something up there would drive us to our deaths to keep us from our pension fund, but if it kills us then it can’t have all this fun cursing us, so we just may get to live after all. Then it can just screw us out of the money somehow instead. As of yet, though, there’s just over a year to go and no one’s notified Tom of any significant changes or problems.

A close friend was saying that she could relate to the stress I’m going through, but as sad as it may sound, it actually gets easier each time something up there feels the need to get a kick out of teasing me with my survival. Oh, I’m still stressing, but another 4 or 5 layoffs and I just might be a real expert at dealing with this shit.

The bird’s nest I discovered on the porch rafters a while ago gives me a spark of hope, too. I guess it’s an oriental thing where they consider the discovery of a bird’s nest nearby a sign of good luck to come (unless old nests don’t count, since these birds seem to be reusing an old nest). Someone told me that last year when I discovered the nest when it was first created. A little over two months later he had a job. So we’ll see what happens in the next 60-70 days. There’s been lots of deer and jackrabbits out and about too, which makes sense this time of year. It’s no longer cold and rainy, but it’s not hot yet either. Unfortunately, we’re going to have another cold snap where it might even rain. This means we’ll need to use more propane. sighs

As I told some people, it’s hard to really enjoy the excitement of getting my book published with all this other shit going on. It just hasn’t hit me yet that I can no longer say I’m just a homemaker or just a “semi-published” writer. I’m a real author now. For real. I may not make shit for sales, but this “pro” status is definitely gonna take time to sink in.

I told Tammy, Eileen and Sharyn about it, and was surprised not to have heard back from Tammy and Eileen. Sharyn told me it wasn’t her that was divorced 4 times. She was actually married to a guy for 15 years. I felt like such an idiot! Obviously, I read the wrong article. She was featured with a few others and I guess I was reading up on the wrong person or something. Anyway, she wished me luck with the book.

Nothing from Larry, Sandy and Jenny still. They not only haven’t viewed my blog, but they haven’t even blocked me. I’m surprised. Then again, maybe they figure that would be giving me a “reaction” they don’t want to give me if they did, same with why the black bitch didn’t block me.

I haven’t even heard from Maliheh lately.

Upon closer inspection of Larry’s page, one of his “interests” is “being with the people I love, with Stephanie.”

Well, Stephanie, who is also on his friend list, is a definite child woman. From the looks of her picture, she can’t be a day over 18.

Tom finally got his own Facebook account, but only for the sake of getting free stuff. He set everything to ‘friends only’ so no one contacts him.

As for the troll, it took a day off today from viewing my blog, but her friend/ ex-friend in Savannah, GA just checked in. Molly spent the day bitching about Roman instead, a local guy who’s been trying to get her to leave him alone.

I’m sick of the constant change on all the sites I use! As soon as I get used to doing something a particular way they run and change it. I hate change! Changing background images is one thing, but the way they change things around and make me have to hunt for where the features are now located and all that shit really annoys the hell outa me.

MONDAY, APRIL 4, 2011 My book is almost published and ready for sale. For some strange reason, they publish it in stages over about 72 hours. So the book’s there, but there’s no pricing info yet. I selected the lowest price of $2.99 since it’s my first novel and I’m still a nobody. Once Amazon takes its cut I’ll pocket $2.00.

I will have to have Nane, Adonis and Mitch see if it’s available for purchase in their countries. It should be, but I don’t know for sure.

Nane sent me pretty pink flowers on Facebook and congratulated me after I told her about it on her wall and sent her flowers as well. She asked if it could be translated into German, but I don’t know that there’s any kind of automatic translator.

We’re also going to have to edit out Tom’s name. Even though we listed him as the illustrator, the cover page says it’s by both of us which leads one to think we both wrote the book itself. It says I’m the author and he’s the illustrator only when you click on the book.

Also, the cover doesn’t make for the greatest thumbnail. We should’ve used the same bright red for my name since you can barely see it. There should’ve been more contrast between the trees and sky, but hey, it’s our first time doing this.

It pisses me off that I have to be careful where I post my book link, but thanks to Molly I can’t just drop it anywhere and everywhere. I’m sure she’ll still find it. As dumb as she may be overall, she’s proven to have an amazing talent for finding the people she stalks, among other things.

Then again, fuck it. I’m going to post it where I want. That would be letting her control me by not posting it where I wanted. Hopefully, she won’t use it as a weapon to harass me.

I said she was probably harmless, but the more I read the craziness in her blog, the more I wonder if perhaps she’s really a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. And how does she know I’ve been reading it? Does she have a tracker there or something? I’m just wondering because, in one of her “letters” to Alison, she asks why her friends read her blog. But yeah, it’s so crazy that it’s almost funny. She groups us all together and includes me in her list of “former friends,” and goes back and forth like crazy on her feelings and actions. I’ve never seen anyone swing up and down and be so damn contradicting like she is. One minute she just loves Alison, the next she’s badmouthing her. She also swings back and forth between admitting she “spies” on us because she’s bored and lonely, and then insisting she’ll never bother again because online friends are a “waste of time.” She talks about panic attacks and having all kinds of anger and other negative emotions. It’s hard to believe she held a job for 7 years as she also claims as an usher in a movie theater. Wonder why she quit. She claims she was raped over a year ago. Maybe this is part of what’s driving her batty, along with this guy in her town she wants a relationship with that wants nothing to do with her.

It doesn’t look like Tom’s going to get that job after all. I’m not surprised either. I knew it was too good to be true and that nothing lets us suffer for that short of a time. It’ll probably be months before he gets something. Meanwhile, we’ll just have to play the Unemployment game again, sit back and endure the rough ride ahead, and watch the days turn into weeks and the weeks turn into months.

Thanks, God. Just thanks.

The dreams I had pretty much told me we weren’t going to get any good news today, though they weren’t as scary as that dream where the riot was closing in on me.

In one dream the phone rang, I answered, and a woman said something about Tom’s applying for a job at a warehouse. I repeated the message to Tom who was nearby and he said, “Oh yeah, a warehouse,” and took the phone from me. A second later a black woman was there who supposedly had something to do with the job, but then she disappeared. I asked Tom what the caller and the visitor wanted and he said he didn’t know and that he wasn’t sure.

The bad dream, though it had nothing to do with work and money, took place in some house. It looked like a real house anyway and was much bigger. I seemed to be working on some major project, be it cleaning, decorating, packing or unpacking. I had stuff scattered everywhere and music blasting. At one point I looked behind me to find the screen door to a slider open and thought it a bit odd. I guess Tom shouldn’t have been home at that time. I stepped over to the slider. The sun was setting and I could see the silhouette of what I first thought was Tom in a fairly good-sized backyard. But then the person started running away right as I heard loud banging from inside the house. I woke up trying to decide whether or not to chase the person who was running or deal with whoever was in the house.

A woman did come down here today, though she wasn’t black, and it definitely had nothing to do with any job. She just wanted directions. It’s the first time anyone’s ever come down to ask us, too.

SUNDAY, APRIL 3, 2011 This is it, folks! My book has been accepted for publication and so now begins the exciting countdown to when it’s actually available for sale! It will be available in e-book form only. Not paperback. You don’t need a Kindle to read it, but you will need a Kindle reader which is a free application you can download that will enable you to read it in Word. I will post the link as soon as I get it, probably tomorrow. Buy it and I’ll be your friend for life. :)

Andy’s all excited about it, but I don’t think he realized at first that it’s not going to be available in print. The only way to really get it “in print” would be to print out a copy from Word. I explained to him about the program he can download to read it without a Kindle.

Now if only – if only – Tom could get his own good news tomorrow! I’d give up this whole book thing for him to get the job he wants! It would be such awesome money and I know he would love the convenience the closeness would bring instead of having to drive 45 minutes each way to Grass Valley. We’re still pretty hopeful and I know my good mood will help. I also know now’s a good time to enter sweeps with the way my mood tends to “influence” things in a more extreme way.

As soon as I have the link to my book I’ll start spreading the word and hope others will too! I never would’ve thought I’d get a book published, regardless of the method. All I’ve gotten published before that I’ve actually been paid for was super short stories, articles and reviews. I guess it’s no longer true to say I’m a “semi-published” author, LOL.

Still no poem reviews, not that it matters much, but I got a nice comment on my current book. They said they were glad I posted more of the story and are looking forward to the ending. If life will soon be returning to normal for us, I can get on with that soon enough.

Had someone told me I’d write a story with Maliheh as one of the lead characters, even if I’d change her name, and that she’d know about it and suggest publishing it, I’d have laughed my ass off so hard! ROTFL! I just hope no assholes like Molly post nasty comments in the review section.

Speaking of assholes, no blog views from Jenny, Larry or Sandy. I’m kind of surprised too, though I realize there’s a chance they may not have picked up my message yet. None of them have blocked me yet, so who knows?

Leaving a comment on Alison’s Thoughts blog through Facebook created a new account for me. rolls eyes So I had to run and block Molly since Molly already found Alison’s new account, and when she checks her blog/comments, she’ll find mine. I’m not going to go back to blogging there in the near future.

SATURDAY, APRIL 2, 2011 The weekend has been going agonizingly slow as we wait and hope that Monday brings a turnaround in our luck – him with a job and me with my book which we submitted for publication a few hours ago. We changed the synopsis but didn’t bother with dedications. Tom did a great job with the cover. I listed him as my illustrator under contributions.

No bad vibes or dreams lately. The two-story house dreams are back, but I don’t think they mean anything. As long as I don’t have any nightmares! Marie and whatever his name was are renting their two-story house down in “Cluster Park,” as I call it. They’re the people who asked if we had a dog on our way out one day and said some dog was keeping them up all night. Let me guess – they’re leaving because they couldn’t get the owners to take responsibility for shutting it up and of course they won’t tell any prospective renters about it, right? Either way, I always did say it was a lousy location down there by the main road where there’s a cluster of houses. That’s why I call it Cluster Park. It kind of defeats the purpose of moving out to the country if you’re just going to have neighbors on top of you. You might as well stay in the city if you’re not going to get any breathing space around you. I guess sometimes you can’t escape everything by running to the country. Barking is just as bad here as it is in the city.

They called off the rain we were supposed to have tomorrow and it wasn’t nearly as warm today. We haven’t needed heat all day but we couldn’t open windows either. Tiny yellow and purple wildflowers are all over the land now and it looks really cool, but the Cali oaks are late this year in budding new leaves. During our first two summers here we could leave the windows open all the time starting in mid-June. Last year it was a week after mid-June. Hopefully, it won’t be even later this year.

My Nane story has had hundreds of reads on Booksie yet hasn’t received one single comment yet. No one’s commented on my poems either.

Still sweeping away like crazy too, but don’t know if it’ll be like old times, so to speak. Not with all the people entering these days and there being fewer sweeps to enter. One sweep listed their odds. My chance of winning a lousy duffle bag these days is 1 in 75,000. Yet I was chosen out of 7,000 other entries for the cruise in 2006. If I don’t get any win notices by the time my 3-month subscription expires, I’ll give up sweeping once again. Sure hope I won’t have to, though!

Found Jenny C and her one friend on Facebook, LOL. I sent a message saying: You still fucking my brother?

That ought to shock her, LOL. I don’t expect or want a reply from the selfish, conceited bitch. Can’t say she hasn’t aged well, though, cuz she has. She’s got her hair dyed blondish now and she’s still slim. Guess she lives in the same house in West Springfield (both her parents are no doubt dead by now) and she has a cleaning business.

Wowee, I just found Larry and Sandy. Only, not surprisingly, they appear to be divorced since Larry’s coming up as living in Southwick and Sandy’s still in Feeding Hills. I’m not surprised at all. I’m only surprised it didn’t happen 20 years ago. My brother, as he himself admitted, is quite a slut.

Here’s what I wrote about him and Jenny in my blog (but not Sandy), assuming they check it out:

Found an old “friend” from something like 20 years and 3000 miles ago that I looked up online out of curiosity. I don’t care to ever be her friend again as I remember her to be rather selfish and conceited (not that I was or am perfect myself as I can get pretty damn selfish, too) any more than I’d want to be buds with my hypocrite of a brother again despite his great sense of humor (and he’s one of the funniest guys I ever knew), but I do wish her the very best in life. According to the one picture I saw of her, I’d say she’s aged quite well.

Speaking of my brother, OMG he pissed me the fuck off so badly back when I was 21 and again when I was around 32. I was young, dumb, naive and scared of just about everything at 21, but had he lived nearby when he pissed me off as bad as he did in the late 90s, not even his size could’ve saved him had I gone storming over to his place on account of it! How could someone piss me off so bad that could be so damn funny at the same time??? I’ve always wondered about this. Really, that guy could make even the most serious of people laugh their asses off until tragedy struck and he seemed to take it out on just about everyone. And why did he have to screw every single female friend I ever introduced him to? Oh well. Now he’s divorced, single and free by the looks of it, so live it up and play the field, dude! You ain’t getting any younger.

Talk about the ultimate karma, LOL! I wonder if they’ve ever looked me up?

I also found their daughter Jennifer, who looks very beautiful and has studied nursing. I didn’t message her, though.

FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2011 Here’s a little freeform-ish poem I wrote earlier today. The words just came to mind and so I jotted them down. Tom and Mitch liked it.

At Seventeen

At seventeen I had high hopes and dreams. But someone tried to murder me at seventeen. I lived for the moment, never worried about the future. The future would take care of itself, I was sure. But then I grew up and stepped into a whole different world. Disappointment, desperation and a loss of hope left my mind in a whirl. All the while there was hardly a dull moment at any point during the ride. Up, down, left, right go the adventures and heartaches of my life. Almost missed out on some things thanks to the person who nearly took my life. Bad news always has me slipping back in time, wanting to end it all. It’s so much easier to skip out on the chaos that sometimes befalls. But things have a way of working out in the end somehow, some way. And so I’m a former singer who was meant to be an author these days. I write and I write as I always have so much to tell. Funny thing too, for my would-be killer was myself.

Later…

The interview went well, though we won’t know anything for sure until Monday. Tom has a way of being overly optimistic, but I don’t have a bad feeling, and they did give him the paperwork and tell him where the company he might work for is located. This is something they don’t normally do unless they’re going to hire you for sure, he said. He may have to take a drug test here in town. These days they just swab your mouth. Sure wish they had that when I was on probation. Having to piss in front of someone for something you didn’t do was a real bitch. I won’t even get to thinking right now about those days of getting off for the things I was actually guilty of and being made to pay for the things I wasn’t guilty of.

Meanwhile, it sucks to have to wait and hope over the weekend, but he feels 80% certain that he’ll get at least one of the positions they need filled. It’s just a matter of whether or not he gets the one he wants most. He’ll take anything, even if it’s minimum wage or part-time or both, but getting over two grand take-home would sure be nice.

And it would get us wondering, once again, if we should move or not. That would be a tough one as both staying and going have their pros and cons. As I told someone the other day, there are two different types of people in this world. There are the smart ones who follow their heads and do what’s safest, then there are the stupid ones (like myself) who follow their hearts and take risks. I still don’t get how I got to be such an adventurer, LOL! Tom said he’d rather be miserable with me than have it all alone and I agree. :) Right now we’re not miserable, and I hope we don’t get there. I hope my bawling my eyes out like I did the Wednesday before last will end up being all for nothing.

Anyway, the company he wants to work for is only open Monday through Thursday, so that’s why we may have to wait till Monday to find out anything. The person who makes the final decision wasn’t there today and the girl was mistaken when she told him he might start today. If he gets the job he’ll work 10-12 hours a day, starting at 4pm.

I’m trying not to get my hopes up even though it’s so hard not to. If he got this job then his being laid off would turn out to be a blessing in disguise, not something that usually happens to us. Usually, when something bad happens it’s to punish us and inflict some kind of pain and suffering upon us. At least that’s how it seems. And our setbacks in life usually aren’t this short either, so that’s why I don’t want to get too ahead of myself on the thought of being able to stop worrying about money again, or being able to call the propane people out to fill us up, or being able to decide if we want to move or not.

Tentatively, we should be able to submit my book to the submissions department tomorrow. Tom’s still working on the cover. In his opinion, it’s not my best work. He says it’s well written, but the story’s about a 7, and the ending is about a 5. He didn’t like my surprise ending which came to me in a dream, LOL, but that’s ok.

[megafreeman]

Saints Row male characters as type of men I encountered on Grindr

Johnny Gat: taps you to show he’s interested in you, then never responds when you send him a message

Pierce Washington: Has a “only normal please” in bio, but sends you constant “hey”s despite being ignored and told you aren’t interested. Like one hey every week. He finally stops and you think he got the message, just to send you a “hey” 2 months later. 

Julius Little: Trump supporter gay who thinks being one is harder than being gay. Left his long term relationship because they weren’t a Trump supporter. Mostly preying on guys in early 20s despite being double their age

Troy Bradshaw: Super secretive straight passing guy that’s very clear about looking for only straight passing guys for a discreet relationship. Acts like he’s being hunted by FBI

Dex: Blank profile, you see a notification and get scared what he sent you. Could be a nude, could be a selfie, could be a hey. Depends how he felt at the time

Carlos Mendoza: Too pure for Grindr, too trusting. Got hurt too many times by the assholes on the app that he struggles trusting anyone on it at first. Send him a face pic and he’ll give you his home address. Says he’s verse but never topped a guy

Oleg: online once a week, usually spends 5 hours on the app and then disappears for a whole week, the only way to keep in touch is adding him on WhatsApp

Josh Birk: hookup gay who’s a top who’s looking for another top for some reason so yall can 69 or something???

Angel: seems like a normal guy at first but has no personality, will never be interested in anything about you, but will have no problem giving out his personal information. Looking only for guys who take working out seriously

Zimos: Same as Julius, only for some reason a die hard Biden supporter. Will offer to pay you for sex, but almost never show his face

Matt Miller: fem kid who starts a normal convo with you, but escalates and turns it sexual very quickly... uncomfortable sexual... 

CID: is literally a bot with a fake pfp that offers you a $2000 salary a month through PayPal to be his sugar baby

Joseph Price: would put his dick in anyone, always down to fuck, but nothing more due to his commitment issues. surprisingly, despite coming with an intention to stick it in you, he will still respect your boundaries

William Sharp: offers to pay you to come to his place and let him to whatever he wants to you

Donnie: doesn’t use Grindr because of the racism on it, prefers Tinder

Angelo Lopez: similar to Joseph, except he will call you a slur if he wants. he doesn’t give a shit. fuck you, you’re beneath him

Hector Lopez: sugar daddy looking for sugar baby

Benjamin King: doesn’t put his age in bio, is very respectful and nice, just to reveal after 2 weeks of meaningful conversation that he’s double your age

Warren Williams: same as Sharp, except he’s less subtle about it and doesn’t know what he’s doing. will probably end up physically hurting you with his inexperience

Big Tony: doesn’t use grindr, is straight and homophobic

Richard Hughes: powerful and closeted homosexual who uses grindr to cheat on his wife of 40 years

Veteran Child: arrogant kid, starts the convo by asking you if you want to suck his 9 inch dick (its 5 inches in reality)

Mr Sunshine: has a huge toy collection that he proudly displays on his profile

The General: is in a relationship, doesn’t use grindr but adds random gay guys from grindr on Instagram he somehow tracks down

Maero & Jessica: couple, looking for a Third™

Matt Feed Dogs: The Third™

Jyunichi: silent lurker, you can message him based on his very detailed profile, but no use, he’ll reply to 4 messages, decide he hates you and stop responding

Shogo: rich kid with his rich toys (car keys, watch, vape pens, expensive shirt brands) as a profile pic, send you nudes instantly (both a dick pic and an ass shot, verse king) and is extremely picky with his guys

Kazuo: homophobic

Dane Vogel: rich and successful guy that’s looking for someone that will use all of his bondage toys on him

Phillipe Loren: same, but wants to use his toys on you

Killbane: “no fats, fems and asian”

[love-loser]

16 or 2 👀 or maybe 16 AND 2? Like younger brat tony who’s breadwinner to his exasperated older hubby,,

16. professor peter x cocky student tony 

SORRY OMG THIS IS SO LONG jkhddh thank you for the ask! i didnt know how to combine 2 and 16 so i just wrote 16, but someone else asked for 2 so fear not, you will be getting it. hope you enjoy

prompts here 

MOBILE USERS READ HERE PLS!! 

Even though college was a volatile time for many, this whole higher education thing was going pretty well for Peter. Granted, he’s the one teaching the class, but still, pretty good seeing as see he was so young (25) and oh so (very) endearing, both of which helped him get along with his students.

Well, most of his students.

He never knew just how much one person could annoy him but walking into class, seeing that stupid smirk on the younger boy’s smirk, just made his coffee taste that much bitter, the junior never failing to make his day just a bit shitty, somehow. 

Even more- he’d always managed to somehow know the material even though Peter was sure he was either sleeping or on his phone half the time. The Engineering professor could probably count on one hand the number of times he’d seen the brunette actually take notes. And it was already halfway into the semester. It hadn’t even caught Tony off guard when he tried to call on the boy. 

What he hated the most, though, was the way Tony’s stupid, stupid, intense, dusky eyes always seemed to undress him everytime he walked into the room. The way his hands made his excessively big iPhone look tiny when he wrapped his capable fingers around it and- not to mention those same fingers that rubbed against his lips as he blatantly checked his own professor out, in class, no less. Did kids these days have no manners?

Yes, maybe Peter was exaggerating just a tiny bit–– it’s not like Tony tormented him everyday or openly harassed him, but it’s the principle of it, see. In Peter’s mind, he only has one goal when it comes to Tony Stark, aka (surprisingly) straight A student, aka genius, playboy, billionaire, philanthropist most annoying boy on campus. 

And that goal: To put him in his place.

Peter can’t imagine what it’ll be like for the student when he gets to senior year in just half a semester–– in fact, even the very thought of Tony treating any of his teachers this way (or anyone) sends the assistant professor’s matchbox heart into insistent, restless flames.

(He chalks it up to just pure concern for his student.)Not jealousy.

Peter even writes up a list between inputting scantron grades, of why exactly he hates Tony’s guts.

Eloquently, he titles it, ❌ Tony Stark ❌.

1. Taller than me by an inch 1.5 cm.

2. Somehow knows my favourite breakfast from panera bread.

3. Always borrows notes from other people when he’s absent EVEN THOUGH HE KNOWS I HAVE COPIES BY MY DESK!

4. Wears those stupid glasses all the time.

5. Spends an average of 6 minutes after class just cleaning up, making me WAIT

6. Never pays attention in class but always sets the curves on tests.

7. Always flirts with other people outside the hall before class. (distracting!)

8.

On the eighth, Peter’s mind draws a blank. He’d thought that he could go on and on when given the chance, but maybe now isn’t the time- after all, he does only have 2 braincells left after mindlessly typing in scores.

It’s about 5:43 pm now, which probably means he should go after entering this last girl’s score and-

Done. Rarely do other professors ever stay this late, but Peter isn’t really in the mood to stick around and see. He grabs his trusty bullet journal- the one he proudly spent 2 and a half hours on in the beginning on the year, and also the one he just slandered Tony in, which, speaking of the devil-Shitshitshit, avoid him before he annoys you, Pete. It turns out his stiff, minecraft esque speedwalking in the other direction still isn’t enough to deter Tony, who looks up from his phone and calls out a nonchalant, “Hey, Mr. Parker!” Peteralmost scoffs at the sheer level of disrespect in that one line- how dare he? Who does he think he is?! At least, that’s what he sputters mentally.

Physically, the brunet is ready to embrace a thousand year nap. 

Peter mentally debates whether or not to stop and give Tony the time of day, his aforementioned 2 brain cells bantering back and forth before, eventually, Tony just decides he will have a conversation with Peter, whether he likes it or not. “Hey, earth to Mister,” Tony says, suddenly in front of his face, dangerously close. 

“Hi, Tony. You do know my first name isn’t mister, right? And you should be calling me Professor.” Peter says, voice scolding. “Okay, then, professor,” Tony says, though Peter knows he won’t really listen to him, “What’re you doing so late? Isn’t it past your bedtime? You need sleep to grow taller.”Well- okay, this is getting ridiculous. 

“That’s no way you should be talking to your elders, much less your lecturer, Tony,” Peter reprimands, starting to walk again. Hopefully, he’ll be left alone now.Unsurprisingly, and to Peter’s horror, Tony only starts striding backwards easily, as if he’d grown up learning how to walk that way. “But you’re so young. You barely look like my elder, much less a teacher,” Tony’s eyes flicker down, then drag back up, and Peter tries not to flush at this. “That’s not to say you don’t look good, though, the opposite, really.”

Peter only scoffs at this, round eyes rolling in disbelief, a warm tinge to his cheeks to top it all off. He stops abruptly, ego puffing just a bit when Tony stumbles.

“Actually, why don’t we talk about that, Tony?” He stops just to mentally imprint Tony’s somewhat panicked expression, before continuing with an adamant, “I’ve seen the way you act in class- the way you look at me,” which sounds much more scandalous than it should be.

Peter’s voice lowers to a hush, registering that they’re still in a school building, where anyone could be listening. Trust no one, not even yourself. 

“It’s not appropriate. I’m not some romantic interest for you to try to indulge in, and I’d much rather you put some of that attention to the lecture’s material instead.”

A moment passes by, then two, and Peter is still staring Tony straight in the eyes, his own hard with determination, brows furrowed. 

After a pregnant pause, the student clears his throat. 

“Do you wanna be?”

“Excuse me?”

“I mean, yeah, you’re cute professor,” Tony admits shamelessly, “Why don’t you just give me a bit of a chance? I’m not that bad, I’m actually very great.”“That’s exactly what a bad person would say,” Peter points out.

“Let me prove that I’m not, then,” Tony says. Then, his phone dings, “Well, I have to go. But I mean it, mister! Bye,” And with that, Tony bids him goodbye with a wave and a blown kiss.

Peter shudders.

Yuck.

-

What is not so yuck, though, is the next morning, is when Peter gets in at approximately 8:30 am. There’s a still toasty croissant on his desk, with a orange post it note.  

Hope you enjoy this. I was late bc i was picking it up so i just decided to skip for the whole day- TS

Peter, infuriatingly, knows exactly who wrote the note, and couldn’t resist the urge to roll his eyes. He’d been doing that alot lately.‘Late picking it up so he just decided to skip the whole day over a croissant, are you kidding me,’ Peter doesn’t bother actually protesting against the innocent pastry, though, instead setting his bag down and taking it out of the pastry bag. He recognises the label- it’s from the campus coffee shop. Tony was late to class picking up food from an establishment on campus. 

The kid’s gotta have a demerit, or something, because that might be going just a little too far, even for him. It’s like being late to a party you’re already at, but leave it to Tony Stark to somehow find a way. 

Well, that’s too bad. There was suddenly going to be a pop quiz today. 

-

Peter, later, finds that he has to reach deep inside himself to not literally slap the living shit out of Tony’s face when the boy opens the door to his lecture hall as the professor is packing up later that day.

“So you are here,” is what he says instead, eyes narrowed accusingly. He still doesn’t get why Peter doesn’t just come to class if he’s already there- are his lessons really that bad?  

“Indeed I am,” is the answer that comes, infuriatingly nonchalant. “Miss me?” 

“Never,” He huffs, slinging his bag over his shoulder. 

“Did you at least like the breakfast I got you?”

Hell yes.“No. What would be better, Stark, is if you actually attended class while you were on campus.” Then, he adds in without thought, “Especially mine.”There’s a beat of silence, the words not quite sinking in for the professor yet- it’s a different story for Tony, though. “Especially yours?” Tony asks with a grin, and the tone in his voice makes Peter immediately regret whatever he said to induce said piece of shit’s intonation.“Yes. Is there a problem?” One strong brow raises in inquiry. 

“Not at all,” Tony’s stupid smile only widens, “The opposite, really.”

[purplesurveys]

684

Have you ever lied to a person of authority? What did you say? I’ve lied to a teacher once or twice, but not anything more severe. Doesn’t matter if it’s a person of authority or not; I just hate lying. What’s your favourite type of pie, either sweet or savoury? I love chicken pot pie lol < Oh gosh yeah dude. Savory pies are the shit. I find that most sweet pies have fruit in them and given that I hate fruits, this is an easy choice for me. Do you have a Netflix subscription? Yeah, we have a family plan that my dad pays for. Have you ever parked in a disabled parking space even if you aren’t disabled? Nope. That sounds awful. How long does it usually take you to get ready in the morning? Depends on how late I’m running. If I started preparing early I can give myself up to an hour but if I’m late as it is, I can take 10 minutes to shower, get dressed, prepare my lunch, and get in the car.

What colour is your favourite shirt? My favorite top at the moment is a multi-colored striped spaghetti strap. If I remember, some of the stripes are white, maroon, olive green, dark blue, etc. When was the last time you saw a photo of yourself? Today. I took a dumb selfie for Angela. Does your laptop ever overheat? It doesn’t overheat but the fan tends to get louder when I do video calls on it, so I never do them on my laptop. Are you wearing a dress today? I am not. I’m up on the rooftop and it’s pretty cold tonight, so I have a large hoodie on, and also a hoodie wrapped around my legs so that I don’t get bitten by mosquitoes. Do you use your phone during class or at work? I use my phone in classes where the profs aren’t as strict. OMG I miss going to class :( How many times a day do you check Facebook? Countless. It’s where everyone hangs out to communicate, or do work, or share announcements, or post memes, so I’m almost always there. Do you hate it when people on airplanes recline the seat in front? No one’s ever done that to me before so I wouldn’t know if it would bother me. Are you the type of person to press a button just because? I would only get the urge if I knew it doesn’t work anymore or if it’s unplugged. I wouldn’t press a button that I know would do something. Would you ever volunteer in the case of a natural disaster? Yeah, but tbh I’m more likely to volunteer for orgs that help out stray animals  affected by the disaster, like for PAWS. I know for sure I would have volunteered for them after the Taal eruption, but I couldn’t because our house itself was affected by the ashfall. Do you check your emails daily? NO. I’m definitely not checking them during the lockdown because I want my break to stay a break. Are you inside or outside at the moment? I’m technically ~inside the house but I’m in an outdoors part of it. Why did you last have to see a doctor? I needed to have my left eye checked because it’s been acting up for a while. Have you ever been pulled aside for a random bag search at an airport? Nope. Are you happy with how much you weigh? Sure. I’ve never really paid close attention to my weight and I’ve always been just passively content with it. What’s your favourite flavour of Jell-O? Ughhh I hate any kind of jelly, I find the texture disgusting. I dunno if we have Jell-O here but we have local brands of jelly that I’ve never thought of trying. Do you pick your nose? C’mon, be honest. Yep, but only if I’m by myself or with my girlfriend. What was the last thing you bought from a supermarket? It’s been months, but if I remember correctly it was ice cream that my mom had been craving, and she asked me to buy it because I went out that day. Do you know anyone who is highly allergic to anything? Yeah, Tina is allergic to seafood and Kate is allergic to seafood, chicken, and eggs. When was the last time you had a nap? Just this late afternoon. I fell asleep at 4:30 and woke up for dinner, so I’ll probs be up really late again tonight. Are you hot, cold, or just right at the moment? I was cold earlier but I put a hoodie on so now I’m feeling just right. Do you have a Spotify Premium membership? If not, do you want one? I technically don’t, but Gabie has one and she let me log into her account a long time ago. What’s your boss’ name? I don’t have one. Back in my internship days – again, because this is really my only ~job experience so far lol – the boss’ name was Dessa, but I was under a supervisor named Therese. Have you ever eaten caviar? Yup. Are you a nervous type of person? Yeah, I generally am. Do/did you collect anything currently or in the past? I used to collect receipts from my dates with Gab, but I’ve completely stopped doing that. I keep telling myself on these surveys that I’m gonna start collecting again and it just never happened, so now all there is to say is that I entirely stopped lol. Other than that, I don’t collect anything else. On average, how much money do you usually put into savings every week? Depends on how much is left over by Friday; I don’t have a set amount. The left over from my allowance can be anywhere from P100 to P1,000. Do you prefer sweet or savoury foods? Savoryyyyy. Do you have any games on your computer? Which ones? No, not on my computer. What are your three favourite fruits? I hate fruits. Have you ever received a speeding fine? Nope, I don’t even think that’s grounds for being fined here. I’ve seen people drive like maniacs on highways, and yet they’d get pulled over because they illegally changed lanes or did an illegal u-turn. When was the last time you shaved any part of your body? This evening. Have you ever had a cramp in an odd place? Mmm no, I’ve only gotten cramps where it’s common, like my legs and neck. Would you ever go overseas for cheap medical treatment? No. It doesn’t make sense to me – the airline ticket would bump up how much I would need to spend anyway. The only times I see the sense in traveling abroad for medical reasons would be if the treatment/surgery/medicine/facility is only available in a certain country, or if the best doctor in a certain field is in a different country. How many hours did you sleep last night? 8, I think. Are you good at writing stories? I’ve never been good at writing stories. I liked reading them as a kid, but I never succeeded in writing my own. What have you eaten today? I had eggplant stuffed with meat, fried egg, and fried rice for brunch and Mang Inasal takeout for dinner. Do you watch House of Cards? Nope. I want to try watching it but I feel like it’s too dialogue-y for me. Plus Kevin Spacey is there for like 5 out of 6 seasons I think, which would really ruin the viewing experience lmao. Did anything exciting or interesting happen to you today? Nah not really, much like the last three weeks of the lockdown. What’s your favourite type of fish to eat? Raw tuna. Who else is in the building you’re in right now? My family and dog.

[lyswenn]

Rules: Answer the questions in a new post and tag blogs you would like to get to know better

Tagged by: @rwbyfrenchfangirl

Nickname(s): Lys, but also “Savaguette” (a mix between “savage” and “baguette” bc French)

Star sign: Capricorn.

Height: 159.8cm (precisely. I’ve grown up 0.8cm in the past ~7 years and that’s important.)

Time right now: 6:20 in the afternoon.

Favorite music artist: Ouch hard one. Florence Welsh, The Neighbourhood, Silversun Pickups, Linkin Park, Oh Wonder, Aimer, Hiroyuki Sawano, Apocalyptic, Kalafina, LiSA, Konomi Suzuki, I just- I’ll stop here. (All these artists have songs that make me raise my arms into the air and cry “fuck yes this is too good I only exist for the sole purpose of listening to this masterpiece”.) 

Song stuck in your head: ’Us’ by Aimer (Aka one of the most intense songs I’ve ever heard in my life, just let me cry in peace).

Last movie watched: Frozen?

Last TV show watched: Dexter.

What are you wearing right now: My PJ’s and a hoodie (am sickie).

When did you create your blog: Some time in 2014 I think, but I was barely active.

What kind of stuff do you usually post: Mostly reblogs about RWBY, Shingeki no Kyojin, Life is Strange, Danganronpa, cute animals and funny stuff. A few relatable things too. Sometimes I post what I draw and write (then hide in shame until someone approves of what I did haha).

Do you have any other blogs: I used to take care of a Victoria Chase-centered blog but I haven’t been active and now I’m super self-conscious about it and I’m not sure if I can still post in it oopsie.

Do you get asks regularly: Pretty much never.

Why did you choose your url: Because it’s the nickname I use nearly everywhere. (I think I’m too easy to stalk...)

Hogwarts house: Proud Ravenclaw!~

Pokemon team: Always contains a Vaporeon, my fav. (If we’re talking Pokemon Go, then Team Mystic).

Favorite color: White, grey, black, blue, and pastel colors. (What do you mean, I had to pick only one?)

Average hours of sleep: Crap, this is impossible to say. D: I usually spend ~10 hours trying to sleep, but I wake up very very often so I always get much less sleep than that. (Like I’m super grateful I got to sleep 2 hours straight recently. Even if afterwards I kept waking up every 30 minutes.)

Lucky number: I don’t know, but 6 is my precious cherished number.

Favorite character: Weiss Schnee (RWBY), Victoria Chase (Life is Strange), Ymir (Shingeki no Kyojin), Kirigiri and Celestia (Danganronpa), Mitsuru (Persona 3). I love them all so much, especially the first three.

How many blankets do you sleep with: Usually one, sometimes two if I’ve got another cosy soft blanket.

Following: I follow 136 people and 206 people follow me (not sure which the question is referring to so there you go.)

Tagging: *Heavy breathing* Gosh I don’t know, I really don’t talk to many people here omg what do I do?! ;-; I’m so scared I’d tag people who’ve already done this or who hate tags, I just- I’m just gonna tag @lianeeeeeeee and @pricefieldpirates even though I already know them quite well. :’D

[myeonkais]

myeonkais 2020 fic wrap up & commentary

title: i get to love you (kaisoo) word count: 345 date posted: 01/13/2020 summary: Jongin smiles, wide and stupid and very much whipped for this man.

commentary: my first kaisoo day fic! grabe, nawala sa isip ko na 2020 ko isinulat ‘to lmao. sobrang tagal na pala??? anyway, this was one of my rare english drabbles na isinulat ko under 30 minutes. (writing in english isn’t really my ~thing—mas expressive akong magsulat pag taglish lmao kaya bihira ‘to). i’m really fond of writing kaisoo in domestic situations like this, dala na rin ng pangungulila kay kyungsoo (lol). actually, i’m not even sure if this was an au or a canon fic. gusto ko tuloy ng tinapay haha!

a line/part i loved: 

“You baked bread? Why?”

“Because I wanted to,” Kyungsoo replies with a smile. He passes a slice of bread back to Jongin before breaking a small piece of his own. “Be careful, it’s still a bit hot.” 

title: yours to keep (kaisoo) word count: 347 date posted: 01/25/2020 summary: Jongin considers the question, considers what it would mean to spend the rest of his life bound to this man before him.

commentary: aahh, this kaisoo x brooklyn 99 au!! I LOVE THIS VERSE SO MUCH!!! isa itong self-indulgent, shameless even, fic na isinulat ko after kong i-rewatch ang S05E04 (HallovVeen) episode ng b99. ang vivid ng fic na ‘to sa ‘kin. ksoo as amy, jongin as jake?? jusko #weakness!! may isa pa akong ficlet na set sa kaisoo b99 na ‘to...baka next year ko na lang i-post :-)

a line/part i loved:

It's not the most romantic of proposals. It's said over coffee at 4am in a deserted diner after a long night of undercover mission gone wrong. Kyungsoo's got a bloody nose and Jongin's missing the beloved badge on his jacket. There's no ring, no getting down on one knee.

Just Kyungsoo asking, casual and awkward, if he wants to get married.

title: sakanasabi (chanbaek) word count: 599 date posted: 01/28/2020 summary: Kung hindi lang siya d̶u̶w̶a̶g̶ lasing, inamin na niya ang katotohanang matagal na niyang kinikimkim.

commentary: sa totoo lang, natatawa ako kasi hindi ko maalala na isinulat ko ang fic na ‘to! as in ngayong habang gumagawa ako ng wrap up eme ko lang natuklasan ang existence nito! this is probably one of those fics na isinulat ko for a writing exercise...hay i really can’t remember. may potential ‘to na maging multi-chaptered fic kaso ilag ako sa pagsusulat ng medyo angsty ngayon (fragile ka sis???) a line/part i loved:

Fighting the urge to vomit, Chanyeol inhales deeply. Baekhyun’s pillow smells of him and his fruity shampoo. The familiar scent calms him down and Chanyeol hates himself for that too. He hates Baekhyun for making him feel this way and he hates himself for falling so hard for somebody he’ll never be able to confess his love for. Suddenly everything is too overwhelming for him that he spills the contents of his stomach all over Baekhyun’s bed.

title: four out of five (kaisoo) word count: 862 date posted: 02/07/2020 summary: Kasi hello, you think na ang David ni Michelangelo ang epitome ng perfect male body? Nuh-uh. Syempre, the Lord disagreed kasi he could do so much better kaya on January 14, 1994, the year of our Lord, pinanganak ang tumalo kay David.

Si Jongin Kim.

commentary: taena, this fic!!! shameless crack na naman ito thanks sa pag-“i really love D.O” ng jungen! hanggang ngayon natatawa pa rin ako sa fic na ‘to kasi ang kalat niya in a way? napaka-vivid nito for me, lalo na sa second part ng fic. himala ngang hindi umabot ‘to sa 10k lmao. tapos ‘yung hint ng top!ksoo sa dulo...hmmm parang interesting i-explore….

a line/part i loved:

"For this I want you to concentrate on the placement of the shadows and how the muscles bunch and flex differently in this position," Kyungsoo says, standing even closer now. He sweeps his hand in front of Jongin as he speaks, using technical, anatomical terms to describe Jongin's legs and thighs, his cock, thick and soft against his belly. "Take a good long look at these thighs, guys. You may never see a more perfect representation of the human body than this."

"Kyungsoo," Baekhyun, one of his older students, chides him. "Ang kalat kalat!"

title: missed connections (surene) word count: 309 date posted: 03/11/2020 summary: Things change and little girls grow up.

commentary: probably quickest fic i’ve ever written this year. i remember writing this habang nakapila ako sa burger king para umorder, at natapos ko paglabas ko with my takeout. less than 10 minutes siguro? hindi ko rin alam kung ba’t ito ang isinulat ko—napakalayo kasi sa prompt na missed connections—pero i was craving for an unexpected angsty fic...at isang kasal na naman ang ginawa ko haha. surene will always have a special place in my shipper heart, bilang sila lang ang gusto kong kpop het ship lol (and i ship junmyeon and joohyun with other people, as in lol ba’t may pag-e-explain ka ghorl??). memorable sa ‘kin ‘to kasi ito ang isa sa fics na pinost ko sa aking public twitter at nabasa ng ibang tao na hindi aware sa aking stan twt persona lmao

a line/part i loved:

Joohyun's hand clamped down on his arm and shook slightly. "C'mon, this is what you've always been waiting for, right?" Junmyeon said.

She turned to him and smiled sadly. "I always thought it was going to be you."

Junmyeon looked away for a moment before looking at her again. "Yeah...well..."

"I knew it wasn't going to happen. Never had a vision of it but I hoped back then."

"You were only a girl then and—" Junmyeon touched her cheek. "I lost my chance."

title: stupid motherfucking shitposter (chanbaek) word count: 2116 date posted: 03/11/2020 summary: Binibiro lang nina Jongdae si Baekhyun na siya ang unang sisikat sa barkada, a harmless joke na nagsimula pa noong freshman year.

But they didn't expect na magkakatotoo ito dahil sa isang viral Facebook post of this (shit)poster, Chanyeol Park.

commentary: ito ang second attempt ko sa tweet fic eme, and as expected, sobrang fail niya haha! special sa ‘kin ang fic na ‘to dahil ito ang first exo fic na isinulat ko. july 2019 pa nakatambak ang chapter 1 nito sa google docs ko (haha) at nagkalakas loob lang akong i-post dahil sa panghihinayang. ewan, i’m not a funny person talaga pero pag binabasa ko ‘tong fic na ‘to, parang naniniwala ako na kaya ko pala magpatawa somehow? also the background stories for chanbaek here...hahaha shet talaga gusto ko na ulit ‘to ituloy! sa 2021, promise!

a line/part i loved:

Nanginginig ang mga kamay ni Baekhyun while scrolling down the comments. Sumakit ang ulo niya sa ilang judgemental comments about this modus ("mag-ingat kayo kahit cute yan may tendency maging manyak!!"), halos maduwal sa "shet ang adorable ng meet cute niyo pakasal kayo pls!!!"

at tumaas ang dalawang kilay sa comments ng "fangirls" of this Chanyeol Park:

"DADDY!!! BAKET!!!!" with brokenhearted emojis

"sana all makasandal sa balikat ni Chanyeol AKO NA LANG ANAKAN MO CHANYEOL PLS" 

"SHET CHANYEOL PARK DADDIEST TALAGA FROM BS STAT MANOK NAMEN YAN!!"

Then he saw the comments from people he knew personally. Mga bastos na mga ka-college at ex classmates na nagmention sa kanya:

Si @Baekhyun Byun ba 'to? OMG bat kayo magkasama, Yeol?

Yeol basta tandaan mo na kapag nakasandal sayo si Baekhyun parang nakasandal na rin sayo buong mundo ko.

title: everything under the stars (chanbaek) word count: 2866 date posted: 03/11/2020 summary: chanbaek high school au wherein astronomy club pres si chanyeol at may crush sa kanya ang drama club president na si baekhyun.

since required na sumali sa two clubs ang club presidents, naisipan ni baek na mag-apply sa club ni yeol.

kaso ayaw tanggapin ni chanyeol ang application form.

commentary: aaaahhhh unang chanbaek high school au ko ito!!! at ang nag-iisang tweet fic na natapos ko!!! i super love this fic ;.; sobrang fluffy lang niya at tuwang-tuwa ako sa characterization ni baekhyun dito. ang nakakatawa pa, on the spot ang pagsusulat ko nito sa twitter, as in nagre-research ako about sa astronomy eme habang inu-update ko ang thread in real time! inabot ata ako ng six hours sa pagsusulat nito pero sobrang worth it. this never fails to warm my heart talaga. ang wholesome lang talaga ng high school love stories...minsan haha!

a line/part i loved:

The taller took a deep breath, eyes darting everywhere except Baekhyun. "I have insomnia. And counting stars help me sleep better at night."

Baekhyun was about to open his mouth, his cheeks flushed, as he stared up at Chanyeol.

That was intimate. Unexpected. What did he do to deserve such information? Baka naman nagbibiro lang si Chanyeol.

"Ah, so ‘di ka nagbibilang ng sheep?"

Chanyeol rolled his eyes, but his mouth twitched up in a smile. "Mas lalo akong di makakatulog sa kahahanap ng tupa niyan."

title: kiss it better (kaisoo) word count: 204 date posted: 03/21/2020 summary: "Well, well, looks like someone's cranky today."

"Shut up," Jongin mutters as he nudges him with his hip. Kyungsoo scoots over to make room for him and he settles in next to him. "Your little pet bit me."

commentary: ito ang pinakamaikling fic na isinulat ko this year, at ang unang fic na isinulat ko noong nagsisimula pa lang ang ECQ. taena, ang tagal tagal na pala?? anyway, another domestic fluff from kaisoo na naisip ko thanks to that ksoo & meokmul photo na nakita ko sa tl. wala lang. gusto ko lang magsulat ng kaisoo landian kasi nakakamiss huhuhu :(

a line/part i loved:

"Your little pet bit me."

"Meokmul?"

"What other little pet do you have?" He grins and rests his head on Jongin's shoulder.

"You."

title: single bed (seho) word count: 1595 date posted: 03/23/2020 summary: 

“Beds are made for sleeping and sex only, you know."

Napalunok na lang si Junmyeon. Sehun and bed and sex all in one sentence was a bit too much for his overworked brain to handle. Again, that’s his hottest roommate casually talking about sex. His roommate na crush niya ever since lumipat siya sa condo na ‘to. Junmyeon shifted the Calculus lecture binder on his lap as subtly as he could.

Putangina.

commentary: not to be me pero isa ‘to sa favorite fics ko this year haha! this january lang ako nahilig sa pagbabasa ng seho fics at sa totoo lang, 500-word drabble lang dapat ito!! kaso biglang nag-ig live ang seho putek kaya naging triple ang word count. isa sa na-discover ko sa sarili ko because of this: i like reading/writing junmyeon pining over sehun?? ewan, iba ang pull sa ‘kin ng fics pag ganito ang setup nila haha. nag-enjoy akong isulat ‘to sa POV ni junmyeon, lalo na ‘yung internal struggle niya. isa sa dahilan kung bakit favorite ko ito ay ang back story ni kyungsoo bilang phone sex operator hahaha! bigla ko na lang naisip ‘yan habang nagta-type ako at tawang-tawa na naman ako sa sarili ko. i’m fucking hilarious sometimes lmao

a line/part i loved:

He couldn’t forget the first time he’d heard Kyungsoo in “action”. Isang gabi, nakasalubong niya si Kyungsoo na naglalalakad papunta sa kusina, suot nito ang mamahaling headset, dini-describe kung paano niya kakainin ang “delicious pussy” ng kliyente niya na nasa kabilang linya habang iniinit ang Chickenjoy takeout sa microwave. May bonus pang mga ungol na sobrang filthy, at mga yes baby masarap ba? Yes you like that? pang sinasabi ito, at nagawa pang ngitian si Junmyeon in between moans bago bumalik sa kwarto niya.

title: exercise in self-restraint (chanbaek) word count: 12,984 (part 1 of 5) date posted: 04/15/2020 summary: (sinta 'verse part 2)

Three months (92 days to be exact, and yes, Baekhyun's counting) na silang magjowa ni Chanyeol pero bakit gano'n, nasa "friends are like jowas you don't fuck" stage pa rin sila?

—or: tigang na ang Baekhyun Byun. as in.

commentary: TANGINA HANGGANG NGAYON TAWANG-TAWA PA RIN AKO SA SARILI KO NA GINAWA KO ANG FIC NA ‘TO...AT HINDI PA SIYA TAPOS!!! na-explain ko na ‘to sa notes sa ao3 pero grabe sa pagka-self indulgent talaga ng fic na ‘to. sobrang kalat??? i didn’t know i had it in me??? cheka!! pero seryoso, sobrang nag-enjoy ako sa pagsusulat nito (until now!!!) kasi challenge para sa ‘kin ang magsulat ng m/m explicit scenes. hindi ako nag-fade to black!!! hahaha but no seriously, napaka-importante ng sinta ‘verse sa buhay ko bilang exo fic writer at ayun nga, hindi ko sila mapakawalan kaya ikukulong ko sila sa isang makamundong part ng ‘verse na ‘to. naka-outline na sa ‘kin ang buong fic na ‘to, kailangan ko lang ng lakas ng loob para ituloy ang pagsusulat haha. sobrang kalat niya...at ako talaga si jongdae sa fic na ‘to lol. another thing: puro inside joke naming magkaka-barkada ang laman ng fic na ‘to kaya yari ako kung mabasa man nng isa sa kanila ‘to hahahaha

a line/part i loved:

“Bakit ba ito ang topic natin?" Umupo na si Baekhyun sa tabi ni Jongdae, tuluyan na niyang nakalimutan ang sakit ng legs niya sa sobrang panic at kahihiyan. "We're here to talk about the Bali trip, right? Wala sa agenda natin ang sex life ko so tumahimik ka dyan!" 

"Seryoso ba? Kahit chupa wala?" 

"Jongdae Kim oh my god iiwanan na kita talaga!" 

"Sorry na! This is a lot to take in pota ka!" Jongdae stared at him in disbelief, and shook his head. "As in no action at all? Imposibleng walang chupaa—" 

"Jongdae!" Puta, sana magkaroon ng butas sa sahig na kinauupuan ni Jongdae at lamunin na siya nito ASAP. Hindi na kinakaya ni Baekhyun ang interrogation na 'to. 

"Sorry na! Fine! Wala man lang… snorkelling na naganap sa loob ng three months?"

title: tulak ng bibig, kabig ng dibdib (chanbaek) word count: 995 date posted: 04/28/2020 summary: 

“Alam mo feeling ko may crush sa ‘yo si Chanyeol,” bulong sa kanya ni Junmyeon sabay siko sa tagiliran niya.

“Huh? Pinagsasabi mo dyan?” inis na sagot ni Baekhyun habang hinahalughog ang backpack niya.

“Ang manhid mo naman, Baek. Obvious kaya.”

Oops, teka lang. Freshman si Chanyeol. Graduating na si Baekhyun.

Hindi magwo-work ang kung anumang iniisip ni Junmyeon.

commentary: may thing talaga ako sa fics na mas matanda si baekhyun kesa kay chanyeol—as in taon ang gap nila ha, hindi kagaya sa tunay na buhay na ilang buwan lang. anyway, i really like the outcome of this fic. simpleng kilig, sakto lang ang narration, at tama lang ang length. i guess sinulat ko ‘to noong na-realize kong dapat i-apply ko na ang “write less” sa buhay ko? i tend to over narrate my stories sometimes kasi gusto kong ma-overcome ang weakness ko sa narration bilang writer. pero kaya ayun, sinasanay ko ang sarili ko na magsulat ng fics less than 1k words eme

a line/part i loved:

Yes, nagkakausap naman sila paminsan-minsan kapag nagkakasalubong sa campus, and yes, hindi na nagbu-blush si Chanyeol sa meetings na ‘to. He’s become more confident around Baekhyun, which made him a bit sad kasi nage-enjoy siya sa pink cheeks ni Chanyeol at pagkabulol nito sa conversations nila. Oo na, impressed na si Baekhyun sa talino at wisdom ng lalaki at—

Oops, teka lang. Uulitin lang niya, freshman si Chanyeol. Graduating na si Baekhyun.

Hindi magwo-work ang kung anumang iniisip ni Junmyeon.

title: fall on me (chanbaek) word count: 6123 date posted: 05/06/2020 summary: “Amin-amin din kasi. Malay mo may chance.” Binato pa siya ni Yixing ng basang tissue to justify his point.

“Baka nga may malaking chance,” gatong ng kupal na si Sehun Oh.

It’s not like the thought never crossed his mind. Sa apat na taon nilang magkasama sa apartment na ‘to, ilang beses na ring naging marupok si Chanyeol sa idea na aaminin siya kay Baekhyun. Pero worth it nga ba aminin ito? O dapat makuntento na lang siya sa kung anong meron sila?

commentary: my first baekhyun day fic! a college au na set in uplb na naman haha (kailan ba ako mauumay??). this was an easy story to write; natapos ko ata 'to in one sitting? tsaka gusto ko ito kasi first time kong magsulat ng fic in chanyeol's pov. medyo challenging for me na hanapin ang "boses" ni chanyeol pero napagtagumpayan ko naman. napaka-vivid din sa 'kin ng fic na 'to, especially the confession part. ALL THE FLUFF TALAGA MGA MHIE PARA LABANAN ANG INIS SA GOBYERNO HAHAHA

a line/part i loved:

“Wait lang, there’s something on your face.”

Chanyeol instinctively reached for his cheek, akmang pupunasan ang naiwang wasabi or teriyaki sauce or whatever. “Huh? Saan?”

The next thing Chanyeol knew, Baekhyun fisted his hand on his shirt and tugged him down for a kiss. It was firm and waaay too fast, just a smack of lips, and then he patted Chanyeol’s chest before stepping back a little.

His mind went blank.

“Uh...it was me,” Baekhyun mumbled shyly, loud enough para marinig ni Chanyeol

.Chanyeol blinked a few times, trying to process what the just happened. “W-what?”

title: di na babalik (chanbaek) word count: 3355 (incomplete) date posted: 06/01/2020 summary: Ten years ago tinawanan lang ni Chanyeol ang kantiyaw sa kanya ni Sehun noon: wag jowain ang ka-barkada kasi pag nagbreak, awkward na umattend sa reunions. Ngayong nasa 10th year high school reunion na sila, 'di na makatawa si Chanyeol. Salamat talaga sa isang tanong ng ex niyang si Baekhyun Byun.

commentary: ito 'yung tweet fic na bunga ng aking sunday morning writing exercises last april. medyo hango sa tunay na buhay (haha lagi naman) at angsty siguro 'to? this is one of the rare fics na walang outline and such. as in on the spot ako nagsusulat pagkagising ko ng sunday ng umaga. binasa ko ito ulit ngayon-ngayon lang at...aray, medyo masakit nga. i really want to continue this 'verse kahit medyo masakit siya.

a line/part i loved:

Baekhyun has this fond smile on his lips, and Chanyeol wonders kung anong version ng nangyari ang binibisita nito ngayon sa utak niya. A happy memory, he supposes. Bihira niyang makita ang ngiting 'yon kay Baekhyun.

title: smile for the camera (chanbaek) word count: 670 date posted: 06/11/2020 summary: Chanyeol knew the famous idol Baekhyun Byun had been picturing something more glamorous than this. If he did, then they hired the wrong photographer for the job.

commentary: another on the spot twitter drabble! kasalanan 'to ng yours mv at tirtir photoshoot ni baek haha! meet cute emeru. tuwang-tuwa rin ako rito dahil ang bilis ko siyang naisulat-less than an hour ata?  

a line/part i loved:

Gustong ipakita ni Chanyeol Park ang ibang side ni Baekhyun Byun sa mundo. He wanted to show the real man behind the mysterious image: the man who loves to stay at home and play online games during his time off, who loves children and advocates for their education, who was still a normal person behind the bright lights and sold out dome concerts.

title: wala nang hihilingin (chanbaek) word count: 6122 (sinta 'verse fic) date posted: 06/14/2020 summary: It’s been nine months since Chanyeol told him na may plano na siyang magpropose soon. Nine months since tinapangan ni Baekhyun ang sarili at sumagot siyang leaning towards yes siya if ever totohanin nga ni Chanyeol ‘yon. Nine months na siyang naghihintay pero wala pa ring proposal. Ni anino ng singsing wala siyang nakita.

commentary: my first 614 day fic! aahh i'm so in love with this fic :( aside from wedding vows, i like writing wedding proposals talaga. iba nga lang sa fic na 'to dahil napaka-chaotic ng proposal! this fic started with an image, actually. 'yung part na kumakanta si baek ng halo ni tita beyonce! sinusulat ko pa lang 'yung sinta, paano na lang ako kung wala ka? nasa isip ko na 'yon. at hindi niya ako nilubayan hanggang hindi ko nagagawa ang fic na 'to. nadagdagan pa ang inspiration ko after rewatching The Office! that jim & pam moment talaga...sobrang TV history huhuh. anyway!!! outlining this fic was really fun kasi aliw na aliw akong pahirapan si baek dito lmao. sobrang special talaga sa 'kin ng sinta 'verse at ang dami ko pang pwedeng ikuwento tungkol sa unibersong ito. next year, meron pang kasunod. promise 'yan haha!

a line/part i loved:

honestly, i really love the proposal part kasi na-achieve ko ang chaos na gusto ko haha! pero kung very specific part, ito:

“So...nasan na ba ako? Ayun.” Huminga muna siya nang malalim bago nagpatuloy. “You’re my best friend in the whole wide world and I could never be with anyone else. I’ve known this since we were 19. I wanted to be the one to ask you but--“

“Mahal kita,” bulalas ni Baekhyun. He couldn’t help it. Aatakihin na siya sa puso. He could feel it. “Fuck, baby I’m sorry!” pahabol niya. “Sorry go na tatahimik na a--”

“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol interrupted, strained, with a pointed glance at the box. Agad na tinikom ni Baekhyun ang bibig, but god, ang puso niya bibigay na anytime.

“Ang point ko lang, I mean it when I say could never be with anyone else, Baek. ikaw lang ang tanging nakikita kong kasama ko sa dulo.”

When their eyes met, Chanyeol’s were soft. Trusting. Full of love. Chanyeol’s eyes were shining, full of unshed tears, at sure si Baekhyun na parehas na silang walang makita dahil sa mga luhang ‘to.

title: atin ang gabi (chanbaek) word count: 18.442 date posted: 08/09/2020; entry for #NaritoKami2020 Fic Fest summary: Before Sunrise AU - dala ng lungkot, alak, at pagka-bigo sa pag-ibig, humingi ng isang pabor si baekhyun sa lalaking hiniraman niya ng powerbank sa 7-11.ang pabor? samahan at makipagkuwentuhan sa kanya buong magdamag. loko-loko lang ang papatol sa ganyang pabor.sakto, loko-loko't kalahati si chanyeol park.

commentary: where do i even begin?? sa totoo lang ang dami kong gustong sabihin sa fic na 'to kulang pa 'tong commentary na 'to hahaha. i might even write a whole blogpost about this..but who knows?

ito ang pinakapaborito kong fic this year. as in. the moment i saw this prompt, ang sabi ko sa sarili ko, "mare dapat makuha mo 'yan OR ELSE!!!" i have a ~thing for film AUs, kaya nang makita kong may nagsumbit nito-NA RICHARD LINKLATER FILM PA OMG-hindi na tumigil ang utak ko sa pag-iisip. i love everything about this fic so much. mula sa back stories ng chanbaek, hanggang sa batuhan nila ng linya... i'd like to think i did a great job in writing this. sinigurado kong maganda at natural lang ang dialogues nila rito dahil isa 'yon sa essence ng Before Trilogy, eh. gusto ko rin sanang gawing buong araw silang magkasama kaso i thought mas may emotional impact kung bitin ang oras nila.

may ilang parts pa akong dinelete rito kasi feeling ko ang haba na niya. (don't worry i'll share it soon!) kahit light angst lang 'to, may certain weight kang mararamdaman after reading it? ewan, ganyan ang pakiramdam ko pag binabasa ko 'to. tsaka grabe pinag-isipan kong mabuti kung may smut ba 'to o kahit kiss lang. i almost added a kiss here kaso upon re-reading the fic...it kinda didn't feel right? i thought them sharing a kiss would shatter the illusion, na baka hindi na sila maka-move on sa isa't isa at hindi na nila ma-achieve ang dapat nilang i-achieve. ako lang siguro 'to hahaha pero one thing's for sure: THIS IS A HAPPILY EVER AFTER!!! sila hanggang dulo haha! i just wish more people could read this fic huhu.

a line/part i loved:

Chanyeol paused for a long moment bago nagpatuloy. “Sobrang nakakatawa ng pagiging idealistic ko noong teenager ako. Feeling ko kasalanan ‘to ng media na kino-consume natin, eh. Books, movies, songs would always make love out to be this all consuming, burning, passionate thing. Sige, that person makes you feel like you’re on fire all the time, that he or she consumes you, but at the end of the day...are you even friends? Let’s be real here, pag tapos na sa honeymoon stage, pag naupos na ‘yung apoy ng pag-ibig sa simula ng relasyon, ano na? You gotta like the person you end up with in the end. Love won’t save everything.”

title: ‘pag nandiyan (kaisoo) word count: 15,962 date posted: 08/19/2020; entry for Tahanadhana Ficfest 2020 summary:  four times na may nagtanong sa cafe owner na si junmyeon kung ano ba talagang relationship status ng mga barista niyang sina jongin at kyungsoo, plus that one time na napuno na si junmyeon sa landian/katangahan ng dalawa.

commentary: magkasabay kong isinulat ang atin ang gabi at 'pag nandiyan kaya lurks na lurks ako kung alin ba dapat ang uunahin. 15k worth of pure fluff, landian, at katangahan isumbong niyo nga 'yan sa HR!!! not gonna lie, sobrang nag-enjoy ako sa pagbuo ng kaisoo barista 'verse na 'to. may naka-outline na ngang side story ang chanbaek dito eh...hahaha! si sehun ang favorite character ko sa fic na 'to kasi siya talaga ang representation ng frustration ng readers haha! gigil na gigil si kuya eh, ang cute!

'yun lang, a part of me wished na mas inayos ko ang execution ng ilang scenes sa fic na 'to? lalo na sa parts nina junmyeon at joohyun. i would rewrite it if i could. overall, this is a cute, fluffy fic written in a slightly weird 4+1 fic haha!

a line/part i loved:

"Birthday ni Chanyeol today," paliwanag niya kahit hindi naman hinihingi ni Jongin. "Ayoko namang sungitan 'yung tao on his special day. I'm not that mean."

Jongin remained quiet beside him, so he added, "Besides, I don't date people younger than me. Chanyeol just turned...20 today, ano. Ekis tayo dyan."

From the corner of his eye, he saw Jongin's mouth twitched to a smile. "So may chance," sabi nito, halos pabulong.

"Huh?" He glanced at Jongin sidelong, eye catching on the strong lines of his neck, the prominent bulge of his Adam's apple. The streets weren't that well-lit, and frankly, his eyesight was pretty shitty, but for some reason, kitang-kita niya ngayon si Jongin. "Anong sabi mo?" Jongin then returned his gaze.

"Sabi ko, may chance," he said, clearer this time. With intent. Ayan na naman siya.

title: laging naroon ka (sechen) word count:  2664 date posted: 09/22/2020 summary: sa kalagitnaan ng kasal ng mga kabarkada niya, biglang nagkrisis si jongdae dahil parehas silang umattend ng kanyang what could have been na si sehun.

commentary: sa totoo lang, wala sa plano ko na magsulat ng isang sechen fic. i've only read a handful of sechen fics (mostly in english pa) at nag-aalangan talaga ako magsulat ng fic for a rarepair. kaso my jaya discography binge happened; ilang beses kong pinaulit-ulit ang laging naroon ka at ang daming nagpapakasal sa social media bago ko isulat 'to kaya rito ko na nilabas ang mga damdamin ko haha! i really like how this turned out. maikli lang pero hnngghh gusto ko pa ng isang sechen fic tuloy! masaya rin ako na may naka-appreciate ng munting fic na 'to. i'm planning to write another jaya-inspired fic soon so...hehe kita-kits na lang ;)

a line/part i loved: 

He was a complete fool to think the hurt he'd felt years ago made him immune to this handsome man with a nice smile and soulful eyes. Wala pa ring pinagbago. Nandoon pa rin ang kabog sa dibdib, ang kilig—nakakainis! Sehun only got more gorgeous as he aged. His sense of style was still impeccable. Bagay sa kanya ang mas mahabang buhok at tumambok pa ang mga pisngi nito. Pigil na pigil si Jongdae na magnakaw ng kurot.

title: para sa ‘yo (ang mga salita) (chanbaek) word count:  26,144 date posted: 12/09/2020 summary: ito na ata ang pinakamalaking dagok sa writing career ng best-selling at award-winning crime fiction writer na si Baekhyun Byun. mayroon lamang siyang pitong buwan para tapusin ang huling nobela ng kanyang series. bawal na extension, nasagad na niya ang pasensya ng kanyang publishers. tapos bat' gano'n, bakit napakalandi ng bago niyang editor na si Chanyeol Park?!

commentary: my biggest and most personal (lol) fic yet. 35k ang target word count ko for this one kaso i had to delete a huge chunk last september kasi...nag-iba ang takbo ng utak ko. bigla na lang akong naumay magsulat ng romance at fluff? tsaka wala pa akong nababasang writer-editor au fic na nakaka-relate ako kaya isinulat ko na. sa totoo lang, ginawa kong therapy ang fic na 'to habang tinatapos ko ang isang manuscript ko (na surprise!!! hindi ko pa rin tapos until now!!!). it's weird for me na magsulat ng isang bagay na hindi umiikot sa romance, pero later on, na-enjoy ko rin. okay din pala magsulat ng character-centric fics na side lang ang romance.

also, in a very me fashion, nag-insert na naman ako ng kuwento sa loob ng isang kuwento. mini-quarantine project ko ang kuwento nina eli at calix! an outline exists--at surprise, hindi connected sa mga kasong nabanggit sa fic haha! crime/thriller pa rin ang totoong kuwento pero malayo sa book titles commentary: na nabanggit sa fic. in short, umandar na naman ang pagka-plotter ko sa fic na 'to. outline kung outline, plano kung plano. ang difference lang from my previous BY Paraluman Fest entry, hindi ko na isinulat ang buong fic sa notebook bago i-type. katamad kasi hahaha.share ko lang din, i wasn't expecting na may magbabasa at makaka-appreciate ng fic na 'to. ang seryoso kasi niya for my taste. hindi rin nakakakilig or whatsoever. sobrang layo sa previous BYFP entry ko na puro landian lang ang ganap. kaya sobrang tuwa ko sa mga nag-iwan ng comments sa ao3, nag-qrt ng BY tweet, at sa lahat ng nagtweet na nagustuhan nila ang kwentong ito. grabe, iyak ako nang iyak. lalo na do'n sa mga nagcomment na nakaka-relate sila sa struggles ni baekhyun as a writer. feeling ko hindi ako nag-iisa! so maraming maraming salamat sa nagbasa ng fic na 'to! grabe dami ko pang ebas for this fic pero sa isang blogpost ko na lang siguro ilalagay. hay, ang puso ko talaga para rito <3

a line/part i loved: sa totoo lang, madami! 'yung buong kaganapan sa MIBF ang pinaka kasi an author's dream come true 'yon cheka hahaha! pero kung lines.... ito talaga:

“Sila lang ang minahal ko nang ganito. Mahal na mahal ko sila.”

“Alam ko, Baekhyun.”

“Natatakot ako…” Baekhyun hated the way his voice cracked. “Natatakot ako na baka...baka hindi na ako magmahal nang ganito ulit. Na baka...naiibigay ko na kina Eli at Calix ang lahat ng pagmamahal na kaya kong ibigay. Takot ako na...shit, Chanyeol.” Napaupo siya sa sofa at doon niya nakita ang concerned na tingin sa kanya ng editor. “What if pangit na lahat ng mga isulat ko after nito? What if makapagsulat nga ako ng bago pero sina Eli at Calix pa rin ang hahanap-hanapin ko? Ng ibang tao? What if...hanggang dito na lang ang pangarap ko? Ito lang naman ang ginusto ko sa buhay, eh. Ang magsulat at mabasa ng tao ang mga salita ko. Ito siguro ang problema pag nakuha mo nang maaga ang pinapangarap mo. Pag madaling nakuha, madali ring mawawala.” Tuluyan nang bumuhos ang luha ni Baekhyun. “Ayoko pa magmove on sa kanila, Chanyeol. Hindi ko kaya.”

title: #QuarantineTimez with Nini’s Home (kaisoo) word count:  12,770 date posted: 04/27/2020 summary: Sa kalagitnaan ng Enhanced Community Quarantine, hindi inaasahan ni Kyungsoo na magkakaroon siya ng "quarantine crush" sa isang viral Youtuber na kailanman ay hindi nagpakita ng mukha.

commentary:  ito ang tanging non-fic fest entry fic ko na himalang maraming nagbasa. hanggang ngayon shookt pa rin ako na umabot sa 700+ hits ito sa ao3 haha kklk?? anyway, skl ang inspo ng fic na 'to. gaya ni ksoo sa fic, noong start ng quarantine ko lang nadiscover ang Nino's Home Youtube channel. at gaya rin niya, na-weirduhan ako sa antics ni Nino...at sige na nga, aliw na aliw ako sa subtitles niyang nangungupal lmao. ewan ko na, nagulat na lang ako sa sarili ko na may outline na ako for a kaisoo fic?? it took me two days of outlining and actual writing bago ko natapos 'to. at tawang-tawa ako kasi sobrang crack fic dapat nito! the nininail was a last addition kasi may nag-RT sa TL ko ng video compilation ni jongin talking about his cute nail..eh ang cute nga kaya dinagdag ko na. wala akong intensyon na gawing cliffhanger ang ending...it just sort of happened? feeling ko nga standalone fic 'to kaso habang binabasa ko siya, nabitin na rin ako lmao. hanggang not!fic na lang ang kinaya ko for the continuation kasi dami ko nang sinusulat ngayon lol. but with or without the not!fic, okay siyang kwento for me. nakakatawa, nakakilig hay :)

a line/part i loved:

gustung-gusto ko 'yung IG dm convo nina baek at ksoo rito kasi totoo nga naman, COVID-19 CAN'T STOP THE HAROT!!! also 'yung nagreply si Nini kay pengwing sa Youtube comments!!! ang kilig ko po!!!

Nasanay na si Kyungsoo na makaramdam ng kaunting lungkot after ng conference calls nila. As much as he loved having his alone time, nakaka-miss din pala ang makasalamuha ng ibang tao. Sa short supermarket trips at lobby guards na nga lang siya nakakaranas ng actual human interaction this quarantine period. He didn’t realize how much he used to count on minor interactions, like ‘yung pangungulit sa kanya ni Jongdae sa cubicle niya araw-araw, or ‘yung quick lunch meetings niya with Baekhyun kapag napapadpad ng Makati ang best friend. Kahit nga face to face meetings with their boss na usually kinakatakutan niya, hinahanap-hanap na niya ngayon.

OVERALL:

# of fics written: 21 # of fandoms: 2 (exo & red velvet) published word count: 133,095

favorite fic: atin ang gabi (chanbaek) longest fic: para sa ‘yo (ang mga salita) (chanbaek) shortest fic: kiss it better (kaisoo) most kudos: #QuaratineTimez with Nini’s Home (kaisoo)

[sweetsuccesssociety]

Back to School to Become the Ultimate Girl Boss: 10 Lessons I’ve Learned About Being an Entrepreneur

Whoa, hello there friends! It’s been a hot minute since I’ve written a post on here! Thanks for being patient with me while I worked out the logistics of balancing my life. I’m now back at school and although my workload is heavy I do actually have more free time to spend on writing stellar content, so that’s what I’m here to do!

As I said, this year I decided to go back to school for entrepreneurship at one of the colleges in Toronto. I just finished my first week and oh my goodness – what a ride it has been! I literally went to school two days this week because of the holiday Monday (I only have classes Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, hollaaaaa) and I’ve already learned so many amazingly applicable things that I’ll absolutely be implementing for my business, and some things that may not be as applicable to my business but still relevant nonetheless. Here’s the rundown from week one.

1. 5:00am wake up is the worst, but there are some positives to it!

Let’s just get this out there into the world – I am NOT a morning person. I hate waking up early and I’m at my most productive around 10:00pm-2:00am. Pretty sure I get that from my grandma, who’s in her mid-80s and still stays up till 2 every night! The point is, when I realized I had to get up at 5am in order to make the commute from the suburbs into the city for my 8am classes, I was not impressed in the slightest. I’m pretty sure the moment I realized this, I spent about 20 minutes ranting to my boyfriend on the phone about how society is catered to morning people and the world sucks – very dramatic, I know (but is it not a little bit true though?).

When I actually had to do it this week though, I had an incredibly odd experience. I actually enjoyed being out and about before the sun came up! The actual waking up part was a struggle, there’s no fooling anyone there. But there were no cars, no people on sidewalks cutting me off, nothing like that. The train station I go to is also right on Lake Ontario, so I get a pretty nice view of the sunrise while waiting for my train!

Am I a fully transformed morning person? Absolutely not, I slept in till about 10:30 this morning and have no shame about it. However, do I think waking up early is much more doable than I originally had anticipated? When you’re excited about what you’re doing and want to get up and work and learn, absolutely!

2. Network, network, network – and do it properly!

Ahh, networking. The dreaded word that our introverted sides absolutely cringe at. Girlfriend, if that’s you, just know I’m totally with you on that one. I love networking with other bloggers and such online, but when it comes to face-to-face actually talking to someone, I freeze. I’ve never been to a networking event for this reason, but all of that is about to change… that’s right, one of my assignments is actually to attend a networking event! First of all, terrifying, right? But second of all, how incredibly applicable that is! As someone who is generally quite shy, I need something like this to push me out of my comfort zone. You can’t get better at something without practice, so although I’m freaking out about it, I’m also so glad I can do it in the safety of being in school.

Something I learned about networking events this week is that a lot of people have the wrong idea for how to go about it. Many people think that if they leave at the end of the night and have run out of business cards they were successful at the event. As my HR prof pointed out though this week, this isn’t necessarily the case. If you leave without collecting any business cards from anyone else, how are you supposed to contact them? If they have your contact info and you don’t have theirs, who has the upper hand? That means the ball is in their court to contact you, which may or may not happen.

3. Know exactly what’s happening in your business’ Supply Chain Process

In my entrepreneurship program, I have to take a course called “supply chain management”. Do you think I knew what that was? Absolutely not! I thought it had to do with places like staples that supply items for other businesses, which yes it is, but it’s so much more than that. Essentially, it’s about the process of creating your product or service and all of the little steps involved. And when I say little, I mean EVERY LITTLE STEP. You used a piece of tape to package a box for shipment? That’s part of the supply chain. You need a specific type of paper to create your journals? Again, that’s another part of it.

The reason it’s important as a business owner to know everything about your supply chain process is so you can know exactly what amount of money is going into a product from beginning to end. This is relevant, of course, in figuring out how to make a profit while still keeping things at a reasonable price. I can’t go into super specific details, as it’s only the first week, but I do know that it’s important to have control of the finances in your business, which is why supply chain management is so important.

4. A Handshake is more than just a handshake

In one of my classes this week, we did one of those icebreaker introduce yourself exercises. Sounds pretty generic, right? It was, except our prof insisted that she needed to shake each of our hands in the process. Some people were pretty weirded out by it, while others like myself hardly noticed. Afterwards, however, she pointed out in a general sense that most of us had strong handshakes while others needed a lot of work. This was strange, as your handshake isn’t really something you tend to think much about in everyday life, but isn’t it so true that a handshake can tell a lot about a person during that small first impression window of meeting someone?

When shaking hands with someone, here are a couple of tips I learned during this exercise. A firm grip is preferable over one of those handshakes where someone holds out two fingers (isn’t that so awkward?! Omg I’ve had that happen to me a few too many times). Eye contact, squaring your shoulders with the person, and smiling are amongst other qualities of a good handshake that were mentioned.

5. It is absolutely possible to make friends as an adult

You guys! After the past year of having pretty much no one around except my boyfriend, I finally am developing somewhat of a girl group at school! Maybe I’m fangirling a bit too much about this, but it’s so exciting to me to have a group of girls to eat lunch with and do group projects with – we even have a WhatsApp group chat! And yes, I am in college again, so I suppose it’s again one of those places that make it a bit easier to make friends, but it happened so organically that I’m not even sure college had a lot to do with it.

We’re all entrepreneurs and we’re in the same class. But perhaps if we had met at a networking event or something like that we would have hit it off there too. The point is that I’m 23 years old and I’m starting to develop new friendships, so it is absolutely doable. That’s a crazy exciting epiphany for me!

6. You need to be comfortable with criticism if you’re going to be successful as an entrepreneur

Criticism has always been like my arch nemesis, both giving and receiving. I have a very difficult time not taking things personally and I hate saying things to others that they might take personally. It’s a double edged sword. That being said, I’m fully aware of the importance of being able to handle giving and receiving criticism as an entrepreneur. There will be a day when I have to manage other employees. There will be a time even sooner when I’m pitching my business ideas to investors, who will absolutely tell me exactly what they think, what they like, and what they don’t like.

These concepts are terrifying. Luckily, I’m currently in college where my professors encourage us to practice in a safe space. We’re required to work in a group not of our choosing and give in-person peer evaluations to each person in the group on a weekly basis. I was extremely uncomfortable with this activity at first, probably because I grew up in this millennial generation where teachers always sugar-coated things for us growing up (for instance, whenever I’ve had to do a peer-evaluation it was always written anonymously). But that’s not how the real world works. There’s an entire generation of us who aren’t prepared to handle criticism, which is why I think activities like this are so important and relevant, especially within an entrepreneurial lifestyle.

7. Entrepreneurial traits for the most part can be learned

There’s a lot of debate going around about whether the common traits of successful entrepreneurs can be learned or not. The verdict by professionals in the industry, however, is that for the most part these traits can be learned. This was interesting as I was among those who believe you either have what it takes or you don’t. Among some of the top traits successful entrepreneurs tend to possess are a tolerance for ambiguity, a drive to achieve success, persistence and perseverance, personable, and an ability to be a critical thinker.

8. We weren’t given strict deadlines in school for no reason

Have you ever actually thought about what deadlines mean in the real world? Maybe this is just me, but I never made the connection between our teachers giving us strict deadlines growing up and what that would teach us for when we step out into the workforce. I honestly thought they were just being hard-asses!

One of my profs used an example to explain this that really got me thinking. If a bakery owner takes an order for a cake to be ready for Saturday at 2pm for a little boy’s birthday party, and then at 1:30 calls the mom who ordered the cake to tell her that she won’t have it ready in time, what are the implications? It’s more than just a failing grade on a test. It’s a little boy’s dream of having a Pikachu cake for his 5th birthday crushed! Now the mother has to run around last minute to find a grocery store cake which her kid may or may not like (you know how kids are lol).

Okay, so maybe it’s not the end of the world. But those are real life implications impacting real people because that one person didn’t meet their deadline. It causes a lot of stress for everyone involved. In order for the world to function properly, we need to have discipline and we need to have deadlines. No matter how large or small the issue, we as entrepreneurs must make sure we’re setting and meeting deadlines. Otherwise our businesses aren’t going to succeed in the ways that we probably want them to.

9. We’re not always going to like the people we work with and they’re not always going to like us

Going back to the group I was assigned (which I don’t think has happened since I was like 14). There’s a reason my prof assigned us groups to work with instead of allowing us to choose our groups. As an entrepreneur, it’s likely that we’ll have the opportunity to work with a wide variety of individuals, some of whom we may like and others of whom we won’t so much. We need to learn to work with anyone, regardless of whether we want to be their best friend or not.

10. I’m finally excited about the path that I’m on!

This one is more personal, but it feels so great to finally be on the right path! I’m actually excited to wake up early in the morning and get to work on building my business. That’s something I haven’t been able to say, like, ever. It’s been a long road, but I feel like I’ve finally found my passion, and it’s an amazing feeling!

If you had told me a year ago that I would be this happy in a year, I would have laughed and then cried because that’s how shit things were at this time last year (pretty sure I had just gotten back from PEI after having a meltdown and loosing my housing so it wasn’t a good time to say the least). Every decision I’ve made up to this point has led me down this path, and I don’t have any regrets about either the good times or the hardships. They’ve made me who I am today, and I’m proud to be that person.

The takeaway…

Overall, my first week at school was a successful one. I’m incredibly glad to have chosen an entrepreneurship college certificate. This is exactly what I need to get my business off the ground and learn important skills along the way.

What is your number one tip for entrepreneurs who are just starting out? Let’s get a conversation started in the comments to support each other through this process. I’d love to hear your thoughts! Also, have you heard about our brand new membership? The Society is for the woman who is driven, ambitious and wants to find success in all areas of life. If this sounds like you, then you need to head over there to check it out! We’re looking forward to having you join our fabulous community.

The post Back to School to Become the Ultimate Girl Boss: 10 Lessons I’ve Learned About Being an Entrepreneur appeared first on Sweet Success Society.

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