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offtorivendell · 3 years ago

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Elain 'I hope they all burn in Hell' Archeron

Or, why Elain is not the "useless" sister; here's a little hint... none of them are.

Please don't screenshot or share this post without credit.

Disclaimer: this will be a relatively ship neutral (as much as possible), pro Elain post.

A lot of the issues Feyre had with Elain and Nesta at the beginning of the series were warranted, true, but the underlying issue, in my opinion, was that their father wasn't being a parent. I understand that he had a physical disability, and likely some form of depression, but he was still solely responsible for the well being of three young girls. There are things he could have done to help reduce Feyre's burden, even without being able to walk - perhaps he could have tried to secure jobs for the girls as they grew up, using his old business contacts. Feyre, Elain and Nesta were all essentially children when they lost everything, and his lack of guidance wasn't the fault of any of the sisters. Both of their parents utterly failed them.

That being said, this is a positivity post about the things Elain has done, because we can't all start off as the hero, so here we go.

Throughout the ACOTAR series to date, Elain Archeron has already experienced a huge amount of character growth (posts here and here are well worth a read), from cowering at the back of their cottage when Tamlin kidnapped Feyre, to thwarting her sisters' attempts to keep her safe during the final battle in ACOWAR and sneaking through the shadows to save Nesta and Cassian, and their world, by killing the King of Hybern. She took this a step further in ACOSF and offered the use of her powers, unprompted, to both help Feyre and Rhys' Inner Circle search for the Dread Trove, and spare Nesta from using her much-hated Cauldron magic.

Some people, however, still think she's dead weight.

So, in case you need a refresher course in Things Elain Has Done 101, here's a list of what she's been up to over the course of the books:

ACOTAR

Elain often acted as the family mediator - reading between the lines, it appears that she attempted to keep the peace between family members.

Gave thoughtful gifts - as Feyre gave Elain flower seeds, Elain also gave Feyre paints that helped to foster her creativity.

We do not know if, like Nesta, she was actively wishing for starvation during their time in the cottage; who knows what she truly did?

SJM often neglects the domestic minutiae of life that aren't as exciting as her magical adventures (I get it, I do, and in almost any other fandom this wouldn't be so much of an issue), but think about it: who cleaned their cottage? Who washed and mended clothing? Who cared for their disabled father? Feyre was out hunting, so this likely fell to Elain, and Nesta, too - ie. what if she didn't just sit and do nothing all day during their years in the cottage, which her POV in ACOSF seemed to suggest. What if SJM truly forgot that the above tasks also exist, and that they are just as valid a form of work/earning your keep as hunting.

Wrote letters to Feyre while Feyre was at her "Aunt's house." This demonstrates that Elain regularly thought about Feyre, and that she cares for her.

As soon as she had the means, she began to plan to learn how to grow food crops, I assume in an attempt to never be helpless if impoverished again.

It should really go without saying, but growing crop vegetables requires knowledge and seeds and tools and actual, arable land; assuming that they had access to all of this when in a cottage that was essentially a "hovel" is a stretch.

Elain also began her attempts to regain the Archeron family's prior social standing. This wasn't shallow of her, she was playing the game.

She hosted a ball for Feyre, to welcome her home and back into their new circle. This sort of thing is instrumental in being accepted in the higher strata of human society, and Elain was looking out for Feyre's future social standing by doing so.

As soon as Tamlin’s glamour was broken, she showed up with supplies and a horse for Feyre’s journey back to Prythian; an instance of Elain being observant and acting behind the scenes to help in a given situation.

ACOMAF

Despite telling Feyre, in ACOTAR, that she wasn't interested in marrying straight away - that there would be other seasons, and that she'd prefer to travel to the Continent - Elain got engaged to a human man whom she professed to love, but who was also well positioned to help protect the human lands from the increasing likelihood of Fae incursion.

This protection would almost certainly have extended to Nesta; Elain acted to keep them BOTH safe.

Also, let's not call Graysen and his father racist towards the Fae. Prejudiced, certainly, as almost all humans are, but they, as humans, do not hold the power - either societal or magical/literal - in Prythian's current social structure, and they were amassing arms to protect the human lands from the attack they knew was coming from the Fae, not invade the Fae lands. It turned out that Graysen, like his father, is not a nice person, and he can be incredibly spiteful, but that doesn't make him guilty of everything.

Elain continued her attempts to regain their family's prior social standing during ACOMAF; once again, this sort of thing was currency for their class.

Power came from having good social connections as well as money.

Elain welcomed the now-High Fae Feyre home with open arms, and was genuinely happy to learn she was alive and well. She missed her sister.

Elain convinced Nesta - who was understandably reluctant! - that they should both get involved with the Night Court’s plot to save the whole of Prythian by contacting the mortal Queens in order to establish an alliance.

Elain chose to act, regardless of having everything to lose at the time, which is sadly what occurred.

She charmed their house staff away for the next two days, in order for the letter to be written and sent, and to spend time with Feyre.

Elain, along with Azriel, attempted to maintain a civil conversation at their first joint family meal, ie. more peace keeping and mediating.

There was potential involvement with letter-sending, and meeting with Azriel, after Nesta banned Cassian from returning.

Elain possibly ensured the highest quality offerings for the mortal queens' visit, in order to keep them happy and more amenable to cooperating.

Nesta looked to Elain, still silent and wide-eyed. The tea she’d prepared—the finest, most exotic tea money could buy—sat undisturbed on the table.

When the queens refused an alliance, it was Elain who showed some spirit. Could her words have been prophetic in some way? We still don't know.

And it was Elain—Elain—who sighed and murmured, “I hope they all burn in hell.”

She shouted a warning to Feyre in Hybern, about the approaching soldiers, despite her own dire predicament.

Once again, she was observant before she was Made and became a Seer.

She fought like Hell against going into the Cauldron.

Elain went into the Cauldron first, with no notion that she might survive it. She was the first guinea pig, but - as the King of Hybern said - she was strong-willed enough to make it out of the Cauldron, reborn and very much alive.

ACOWAR

Elain struggled in a land of waking dreams for a few months, until Azriel figured out she was a Seer. I cannot begin to fathom what it must feel like, to not know whether what you were seeing or hearing was real, and thinking you'd lost your mind.

Even her sisters thought she'd "gone mad."

While not yet knowing her own powers, she gave accurate warnings about the Ravens, who were sent after Nesta and Feyre in the Library.

Elain has also uttered prophetic sounding words about Vassa and others, which resulted in Lucien heading off to search for Vassa, whose arrival with reinforcements later on in ACOWAR was instrumental in their victory against Hybern.

Elain tended a small herb garden (both for healing purposes, and as a hobby).

She insisted on her own involvement with saving the humans - her people, who would now likely turn her away at best, or kill her at worst, for her new status as High Fae - from their old region, by travelling to Graysen’s manor to beg sanctuary on their behalf.

I would put money on the fact she knew Graysen would reject her, and that there was a risk to her safety, but she chose to go anyway.

"It's already ended badly" [...] "Wise words."

More visions, many of which I assume we haven't been informed of. Yet.

Elain scried/Saw the Suriel for Feyre, sans scrying tools. How?! Is this, potentially, hinting at the type and strength of her powers.

Elain assisted as much as she could in her own rescue from Hybern's war camp, despite being chained with spelled shackles. She got a shocked Briar to react and reach for Azriel at the last minute, kicked the naga hounds' faces with her bare feet when they were attacking Azriel's wings, etc.

She wore clothing that made her uncomfortable, in order to be able to help/be present on the battlefield with her family and new friends.

She accepted Truth-Teller from Azriel, in order to be able to defend herself while there.

She did not ask to be relegated to the camp at the back of the battle, that was Feyre’s request/order.

Once removed to (relative) safety, Elain chose to not stay in their camp, once again putting herself at risk for her family.

Read: character growth.

Somehow she "stepped out of a shadow" and slew the King of Hybern with Truth-Teller, saving Nesta and Cassian from imminent death, as well as Prythian as a whole from being overrun by Hybern and his soldiers.

Were these Azriel’s shadows? Nuala and Cerridwen's? Rhys' shadows? Elain’s own?!

Did Elain have a vision, and subsequently have to choose between saving Papa Archeron and Nesta? Did she have to watch her father die, just to save her sister, her future BIL, and her world? This would be a heartwrenchingly tough decision to make.

Instigated the prayer that Feyre said for their father.

Positive outlook at the end.

"The world needs more gardens," which echoed the Suriel's final words to Feyre.

ACOFAS

Elain was showing some interest in life and settling in, which Feyre was overjoyed to see.

Now friends with Nuala and Cerridwen.

Baking with Nuala and Cerridwen (healing, and learning another important life skill).

She was also working in the townhouse garden (healing and hobby).

Attempted to maintain a relationship with Nesta, who was both avoiding her and actively pushing her away - this is not an attack on Nesta, because her way of coping with her trauma was to isolate herself from her family to punish herself, which breaks my heart.

"You have your life, I have mine."

Working through her feelings for Graysen, and his betrayal of her.

(Unsuccessfully) attempts civility with Lucien, despite her discomfort.

She had developed strong opinions on her bond to Lucien.

"I don't want a mate. I don't want a male."

For a more in-depth discussion as to why Elain may not have acted either way on her bond with Lucien, read this post.

Elain was actively learning about the Night Court’s winter solstice traditions.

Thoughtful gifts for Nuala, Cerridwen, Azriel, Feyre and Nesta. More wise words to Feyre as they were out shopping for gifts.

She helped to cook the food they ate at solstice, aka contributing to the family.

Elain also baked a surprise, multi tiered birthday cake for Feyre - an act of love and affection (multi tiered cakes ain't simple or easy).

She was planning a new garden for the townhouse.

ACOSF

Working, ie. "not mooching":

"Toiling" (per Cassian) in the River Estate's Gardens from dawn.

Still bakes and cooks for the family, ie. a very valid form of contributing.

Helps elderly faeries in Velaris with their own gardens, ie. community involvement.

Volunteered to scry for/See the Dread Trove items herself, proceeded to get shot down by Nesta:

"Absolutely not," Nesta spat, fingers curling at her sides. "Absolutely not."

Stood up to Nesta:

“Why?” Elain demanded. “Shall I tend to my little garden forever?” When Nesta flinched, Elain said, “You can’t have it both ways. You cannot resent my decision to lead a small, quiet life while also refusing to let me do anything greater.”

Offered the use of her Cauldron-based powers with confidence: But Elain turned on her heel. “Find me when you wish to begin.” The doors shut behind her.

Really, pp 229-232 of ACOSF.

Elain did not "choose" Feyre over Nesta; Nesta lashed out and pushed her away for an entire year (understandable though it may be in the context of her own trauma) and Elain - we assume - was eventually hurt enough herself that she stopped trying to maintain contact, and prioritised her own trauma/healing.

This does not make her a terrible sister, their relationship was unhealthy and it needed to be fixed (it still does, but now they're on their way).

Was genuinely happy for Nesta when she heard that she was making improvements, as well as friends, even if she was no longer part of that life.

See (Nesta's quote from ACOFAS): "You have your life, I have mine."

Elain spoke fondly of Nesta, and recounted a situation in which Nesta had put herself on the line for revenge against Elain’s childhood bully.

She was happy to see Nesta at the winter solstice celebration, after they'd cleared the air.

Elain actively and enthusiastically initiated and consented to her romantic interaction with Azriel at winter solstice.

She was praying at Feyre’s bedside, during her traumatic birth experience.

Is praying a form of her magic?

Does invoking words of power allow her to access some of her Cauldron powers?

Elain spent time with both of her sisters on the final pages of ACOSF. As in ACOTAR, her sisters - her family - are important to her.

All of this is to say that, ships aside, Elain has not been a useless character, especially as the story has progressed.

Quietly processing her trauma doesn't mean that her experiences and feelings and healing journey were or are any less severe than someone who reacts more noticeably. Elain has taken the time to move on with her life, at least in part, with the help of Nuala and Cerridwen, especially. We should be just as proud of her as we are of Nesta.

Elain did not "abandon" one sister for the other - why can't she have a relationship with both?

She works in the kitchen and garden of at least Feyre and Rhys' house, and other gardens around Velaris, besides. Even if Elain never touched her magic again, gardening and baking and cooking are all valid professions - I know these thoughts can be unintentional, so here is a gentle reminder that it's pretty classist to suggest otherwise. That being said, Elain did offer her services to the Night Court in ACOSF, so I doubt this would be the case.

We should be able to talk up all the other characters without ignoring and diminishing Elain's own actions and achievements.

If you engage in the comments section, please be respectful of one another. 💜

#elain archeron #pro elain archeron #elain #pro elain #acotar #acotar thoughts #pro archeron sisters #elain positivity

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cardinal-sukikyo · 2 years ago

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My take on Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. (Slamming on ROTTMNT, I included the pros here but will make a post showing off the positive.)

Pros:

Original April O'Neil is back bby! The first April was black, and a love how they brought that version back. As well as the fact that she was a programmer!

Mystic world??? :OOO

There are a lot of goofs- but a good amount of angst too

Mikey is openly a cuddle-bug

Donnie's sarcasm 4 dayz

Cons:

Raph isn't Raphael anymore. It's a new character.

Leo completely changed.

Raph IS NOT THE LEADER. NEVER WAS

April didn't always know how to fight- she was more relatable when learning and eventually getting to where she is now.

I like the mystic world- but the turtles are not wizards. Stop with the glowing hands.

Their weapons. Not authentic at all.

Splinter is an insult to the OG of TMNT

To bright instead of the colder tones TMNT used to have. New York is dirty and cold- not bring LED lights.

TMNT never was an anime- stop trying to be one.

Too modern

Donnie's sarcasm is also his downfall. He was also more relatable and had a better personality as a simp. He doesn't need to love April, but he had better character development when he had a crush on someone and was the perfect comedic relief.

Nobody feels romance towards nobody. The turtles I mean. They just don't feel human.

Overview:

People may hate me for this, but this needs to be said. They are Teenagers. Teenagers develop crushes that grow or die away. It makes characters relatable and more human. Forget who is attracted to whom. The point is- romantic interests make things interesting and FEEL REAL.

Classic Splinter always was wise and trained to turtles to be silent warriors of the night. They were serious about their job. Splinter was too. He had a wife, he had a brother. Kurai is debatable, but she sure as heck wasn't their grandma. She was a part of the foot!

Raph had anger issues and was learning how to control his emotions and passion. Mikey was bullied and taken for granted. Leo was spiritual, easily got sick, and was the leader. And Donnie was the tech-wiz, the geek, the nerd, the most relatable one. Not a jerk.

There was a turtle for each type of kid. They had spiritual problems, emotional problems, and physical problems. REALISTIC PROBLEMS IN CHARACTER. The new tmnt is... Not. A little bit, but not so realistic for a 10-year-old kid. Not an 18-year-old college student who has to pay off student loans. It feels like they are ripping out "made for kids" just for more views from an older audience. It feels like they are stealing a part of what could've been the next generation's nostalgic, really good show that they grew up with.

Raph's anger is iconic. AND HIS SAIS. WHERE ARE THE SAIS? I don't care that the mystic weapons are better. BTW, how are broke turtles like Donnie getting ahold of motherboards and intense robotic items? GOVERNMENT LASERS, EVEN? He lives in the sewers! He uses what he has! That is why he was authentic! He found garbage and turned it into something amazing! That was so inspiring to me as a kid.

This show is something else. What angers me, is that they call it the origin story. This barely is canon. Its a new form of the story. I wish they wouldn't call it "the rise of" but rather "a new take of". Like "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; Retold" or something.

The story is cute. The turtles appeal more to blushing high school girls with their fashion episode. But as a nostalgic cartoonist, I find the good of the show through the "teenage girl" inside of me rather than the "story development / serious cartoonist" side of me. Don't say that I hate ROTTMNT, I don't; it's just too different from the OG and shouldn't be labeled as canon.

Besides that long rant, you can find Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on Netflix, Amazon, and Nickelodeon. It's free on Netflix if you have an account, purchasable on Amazon, and you can watch clips on the Nickelodeon website or their youtube channel.

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isa-ghost · 3 years ago

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How do you hold onto hope that anything will be done with Anti or any of Sean's Egos? I fell out of love for JSE and his content about three years ago due to.. I guess just growing up? But I used to check back in from time to time because he used to promise that "Big Thing's" we're coming for his Egos. (Mind you this was before the pandemic took full effect so there wasn't that as an excuse.) I just recently checked his channel and saw he has taken a step back (Good for him and his mental health if he needs that!) from making content. Did he burn out? Is he ever going to do anything with the Ego's? I don't even know why I care at this point? I guess I just want logical answers and you are the smartest JSE fan I know? Anywho. Sorry for the rant. I'll get out of your asks. 🌶

Oookay unpacking this ask time.

Anon thanks in advance for sending this because as feisty as I felt at first, it helped me get out a lot of things I've wanted to say in this regard for a Long Long Time so, yeah. Thank you.

1. Personally I don't like the term "grew up" in reference to CCs or much of anything tbh, because you're rarely too old to enjoy the things you love. But I get what you mean regardless. Just wanted to plop out my take on that topic in general. Never think you're too old to enjoy something harmless though. :)

2. I've been shaky on hope lately, to be honest. He's not been doing a ton of videos in general lately, minus some strays and the Deltarune Chapter 2 series (I genuinely didnt expect him to play it bc he hadnt played another recently released big game I wanted to see him play but he did, and I'm super grateful bc it was killing me lowkey). Which obviously the decision not to make a ton of content at the moment is okay. He's very burnt out, he's been having severe health issues both physically and on/off mentally. The lack of content and low energy he's had lately is just disheartening if that's the right word idk. BUT!! We DO have a MASSIVE Thankmas stream coming in December to look forward to!

I miss him and some days I get kinda,, idk, bitter? About the radio silence. But unlike a lot of people that have been in and out of the JSE Community between 2018 to now, I respect his health and the fact that he's a whole ass human being and has a life and other things he is more than free to do instead whenever the fuck he wants. TLDR I think have better critical thinking skills than some people on here and Twitter lmao. And the last few years have been shit, both in the world and- at least on here -in the community (dare I mention the t*ablogs). Though lately the community is quiet and very very peaceful and enjoyable again. At least in my corner here.

The thing is, I'm not and was never here ONLY for egos. I love Sean and everything about him to bits. He made one of the worst few years I had in the 2010s infinitely more bearable and gave me an explosive amount of inspiration for creativity that I'd not really experienced before. And friends I'll never let go of.

I miss ego content. I want it to keep going. I'm extremely sad it might not continue. But as an artist, I know why he was promising big things once upon a time. When you're a creator and you have a story like this, you want to flesh it out. The motivation and muse is high. People are excited and you want to deliver. The difference with Sean is that he wanted it to be as high in quality as he could push for after all our excitement and incessant thirst for more. And his plans involved a budget and more than just himself and none of it was his main focus. It was a fun side project.

HOWEVER, big projects like this get interrupted by life, smaller projects, distractions and other things. Sean got SLAMMED by all of the above non-stop these last few years and then hit a bad burnout. I think that through it all, he hit that dreaded wall some artists with big, long term plans like the egos story hit and lost motivation. It got overhyped. Pressure got too crushing. Any plans he made to FINALLY continue the ego storyline got murdered by Covid more than once (which.. personally the term "excuse" sounds kinda shitty in reference to that imo but I digress). Making promises only to have outside variables beyond his control break them was killing him, so he just stopped promising. And people who have no respect or patience got annoying and some got straight up inexcusably vulgar, immature and hateful before dramatically fleeing the community in a tantrum like he'd personally come to their house and betrayed them. It was infuriating to watch go down.

But no matter how much it might hurt or be disappointing to see it die out, I'm here for Sean and his journey no matter where it takes him. I'm not sitting here being a stubborn beacon of anything. And I also recognize and (no matter how reluctantly) respect that we aren't OWED ego content. Never were. It was not an obligation no matter how many promises he made or how much hype he stirred up. And to be fair? We drove the hype a million miles further than he EVER did and we can't blame him for that. I hate the people who do. I'm grateful for the ego content we got and I'll cry if we ever get more. But if it's done, it's done and we just have to accept it. I, as sad as I am to, accept it. And we can always make our own.

And finally- thanks for the compliment. Idk if I'd say I'm the SMARTEST but that means a lot either way. :')

I hope this gave some answers even though it came out more of a vent/rant and PSA??

Obviously any JSE followers and mutuals please feel free to reblog this. But don't start any fights, not that I really expect there to be any?

#jacksepticeye #jse community #jse egos

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charlie-pippin-faraday · 3 years ago

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now i’m still undecided on heather vs. theresa and we’re currently at a 4-4 tie, and i’d love more votes before i make a final decision. but, i did promise some headcanons, so even though i don’t have an official name yet, i’m giving you my headcanons now anyway

so, presenting: my headcanons about Eddie’s mother [this got a little lengthy but i have a lot of thoughts]

She's a fairly young mom. Like, not absurdly young, but definitely on the younger side. Like, I imagine her being like 25/26 when Eddie was born. And she's aged well, too, she looks good for her age

She looks EXACTLY like Eddie. He got EVERY physical trait from his mother and absolutely none from his father. She's got the blonde hair, hazel eyes, similar facial features. Like, you can tell on sight that they're mother and son

She doesn't sell herself as the "cool mom" and she doesn't TRY to be a "cool mom" but she is the cool mom

All of Eddie's friends in America think she's a "hot mom." This also extends to the Anubis gang. The day Jerome and Alfie meet her for the first time they go woah dude you have a hot mum. They bring this up a lot just to drive Eddie nuts. Jerome also threatens to flirt with his mother and become his new step-father, and Eddie seriously considers beating him up on the spot

Also the day Jerome and Alfie learn the phrase "MILF" is the day Eddie stops knowing peace, and he seriously considers throwing himself into the Atlantic Ocean

She is very sharp and smart, but not like a nerd or anything

She's a really big sports fan, and that's the reason why Eddie is super into all the New York sports; she brought him up that way, and he took to it like a fish to water. They love to go to games together

She is really enthusiastic, friendly, and warm. She's definitely a talker. She wants to hear about what's going on in Eddie's life, and she wants him to feel comfortable talking to her about anything

She definitely has a gossipy group of friends, like a book club or something. And she loves to tell them about Patricia and how her son is head-over-heels in love with this incredibly delightful girl

She is an INCREDIBLY patient woman; she has to be to deal with Eddie's anger and abandonment issues and teen rebellion. He acts out and gets in trouble and even gets kicked out of school but she keeps her cool. She's definitely the authority in the house, but she's probably not as tough on him as she has a right to be because she understands. She gets it; he's angry, he's upset, he's going through stuff that most teens don't have to. He needs support much more than he needs discipline

It's really awkward to be a teen boy and have your mom be the one who gets you through puberty and teach you all the growing up stuff, but they did it

She and Eddie are very close. Not like an unhealthy amount, and not to the point where he'd call his mom his "friend," but they are definitely closer than the average mother and son. It was just the two of them growing up in their house, they were all they had, really. Eddie was a complete momma's boy from birth, and still is. Eddie cried the first day of kindergarten when he had to leave her, and she tells Patricia this and Eddie is mortified

Eddie also calls her all the time when he's at school in England

Like Eddie, she was also a troublemaker in her youth; that's where he gets it from. She's adventurous, and she loved to sneak out, have fun, get into trouble. She also loved to instigate fights/drama at like family Thanksgiving and sit back and watch the world burn

Eddie grew up in New York; that's where they lived, they're New Yorkers. But, some time after Eddie goes to college, she moves out of the city and into New Jersey. Eddie sees it as a complete betrayal of "our people."

She hated absolutely every one of Eddie's previous girlfriends/dates before Patricia. She thought all those girls were shallow and dull, and she always thought Eddie could do better

She LOVES Patricia to the end of the earth. Like the SECOND she meets her she thinks "I want her to be my daughter." She loves her fire, she loves every little thing about her personality, but mainly she loves how deeply her son is in love with her; like, she can see that Eddie is absolutely smitten by this girl. And she loves him back, she can see that. She loves Patricia so much that Eddie starts to think she's starting to like Patricia more than him, which bristles the momma's boy just a little bit. She shows Patricia all of Eddie's old embarrassing childhood photos and moments, she joins Patricia in roasting Eddie, and she tells Patricia if there's ever anything she needs or if she just wants to talk she's always just a phone call away (Patricia definitely takes advantage of this offer, often). Patricia reminds her a little bit of herself, which is another reason why she likes her. After they graduate she tries to start manifesting their engagement and put those vibes out into the air

I imagine she met Eric when she was fairly young, early 20s. Here's how I personally imagine it went down: Eric went to New York for some kind of teaching training/program or job opportunity. They met at the New York public library, and a passionate love affair started from there. She thought he was sophisticated and she loved listening to him talk about the things he was passionate about, and they could have smart discussions together. Also she loved his accent. Her family members were not the biggest fans of this relationship: he was a good bit older than her, and he was from another country so they thought he wouldn't stay, and they thought it was moving at an incredibly torrid pace. Being the rebel that she was, she just went "well this just makes me want to do it more." And it did indeed move fast, and things were good for awhile. Until they weren't.

Eric left shortly after Eddie was born. Like, a few months. He just up and left, and she didn't really hear from him again for about 16 years. And she HATED him for it. He left her alone with this new baby. She was MAD and UPSET. Eventually that calmed down to bitterness, but that bitterness never died. She is STILL bitter towards him to this day, and tbh she'll take every chance she can get to be petty to him

Raising Eddie on her own was really hard, and scary. But she bucked up and did it because she loves that boy with her entire heart. Eddie doesn't really recognize it or appreciate it as a child, but when he grows up he calls his mom one of the bravest people he knows

She never got remarried and never even really dated; being a mom was her top priority

She thought the hardest day of her life was the day that Eric left, but no. That wasn't nearly the hardest day of her life. The hardest day of her life was the day child Eddie asked "why don't I have a dad like the other kids at school?" and she had to tell him what happened, or at least as much as he would understand, knowing that it would break his little heart

It was really painful for her to send Eddie off to boarding school in England. It made her really emotional to send him off with his father, who hurt the both of them, and whom she's still really bitter towards. But she knows he deserves the chance to get to know his father. And aside from like summer camps and such, this is the first time he'd be away from her for an extended period of time, and he's so FAR away, like that's her BABY. Her ONLY baby, the most precious thing in her world. She never tells him, but she cries like nobody's business after he gets on that airplane and flies away

She's got this fear that Eddie and his dad are gonna somehow get along SO well that he'll one day change his last name to Sweet. But, when Eddie not only says that that will NEVER happen and he'll stay a Miller, but that Patricia's also gonna take that last name when they get married and they'll be the Millers, she is overjoyed. And she has this feeling of satisfaction and vindication, like she won

#have a lot of thoughts and feelings about her #house of anubis #eddie miller #mrs. miller

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d6official · 4 years ago

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K-pop’s Jae Park on the panic attack that triggered him to deal with his mental health issues

Jae Park of Day6 realised he hasn’t been doing well for a long time while on a car ride in April, when he was thinking he was going to die.

The 28-year-old K-pop singer-guitarist later learned he wasn’t having a heart attack, but was experiencing an intense panic attack born out of his struggle with anxiety.

“When you come to this … I wouldn’t say peaceful resolution, but a very frightening resolution that, ‘Yeah, I might die in here and I’m going to have to accept that,’ your perspective on things kind of changes,” he reveals.

“I realised I was putting things off for so, so long that I’d become numb to the fact that it was slowly physically manifesting. I was always a believer that you can just ride things out, even if you’re sick you go on stage and start working, and you won’t feel sick any more. Even if you have a headache, you sleep, you wake up, you feel better. I was always that kind of person. But it didn’t feel like that in that car ride.”

Now Park, who typically is known just as “Jae” in the K-pop world, is in a better place; he’s working on facing the circumstances of his life and making changes to take care of himself, including taking medication that helps take the edge off.

“I’ve been feeling a lot better, and learning more and more. After it happened I started delving deeper into the mental health aspect of what was going on with me as a person,” he says.

“[Poor} mental health isn’t a choice you make, but something that occurs to you due to your choices. You don’t choose whether to allow yourself to succumb to it, you just over time build up to the point where eventually everything crumbles down. You ignore your worries.

“You sweep everything under the rug, all your emotions, enough times for [it] to flip over eventually with everything on top of it.”

He’s since made it his aim to spread awareness of the impact of toxic positivity and of the importance of treating mental health as normally as treating physical health, because he spent the majority of his life unaware of the connection and the potential of his mental state to impact his physical health.

“It’s not something I want people to go through, so if I can do anything in this world before I leave it, let’s raise some awareness. And so if maybe someone has an episode like me, they’ll be able to look back on my interview or see through the campaign that, ‘Oh, this might be a panic attack.’

“I’ve since learned after that incident that a lot of panic attack first-timers assume they’re having heart attacks. It’s this imminent feeling that you’re going to die. On the walk home, I was crying.

“I don’t know if it was tears of joy or fear, but I just remember crying a lot.”

Why Jae Park launched his clothing line

Jae recently teamed up with charitable apparel brand Represent to launch his From Friends clothing line, one of the aims of which is to remind people that it is okay to turn to friends when they’re having a rough time, rather than always putting on a happy face and pushing emotions aside.

“I really wanted to let people know that it’s okay not to be okay. That’s what caused me not being able to function. If you’re still at a stage where you’re not sure if you’re okay, talk to friends. Talk about it, and realise you may be going through something bigger than you think.

“I’m not saying over-exaggerate every emotional hurdle you jump over, but I knew what I was doing when I was sweeping things under the rug.

“If you’re not at that point where you have to get on medication or need therapy or some other kind of treatment, you need to maybe stop what you’re doing and look at yourself real quick before you have an incident.”

Through the collaboration, Jae and Represent donated US$100,000 to the Jed Foundation, an organisation combating mental health stigma and raising awareness of suicide prevention among America’s youth. The artist grew up in California and only began pursuing a career in South Korea’s music world while taking a break from college back in 2012.

Jae wants to focus on talking about the experience with younger people, because he wishes someone had told him about the potential impact of ignoring mental health.

“‘From Friends’ was a thought that I had, that it would be more personable and relatable if the message came from a friend. ‘As a friend, I want to let you know that I screwed myself over by doing this, so this is my advice to you and I hope you take a look at yourself.’ Not the ‘yes’ men around you, your friends who are always telling you things are great even when they aren’t. Real friends will tell you when something is wrong. ‘You don’t seem like yourself these days, maybe take a step back and look at yourself?’”

Following his panic attack in the car and starting on medication, Jae said some of his friends pointed out to him he’s a bit more solemn and has a less bright personality.

There is stigma about mental health medication in this regard, but Jae feels it’s not impacting him negatively, but rather he’s able to rein in his need to be overenthusiastic and upbeat to compensate for feeling low.

One thing Jae really wants to combat is toxic positivity, which he feels he was constantly leaning into prior to his panic attack in April; he would often attempt to put on a good face and put good energy into the world in a way that’s idealised without internalising his own feelings.

He says he’s still learning to really understand the idea, but thinks it’s along the lines of not really believing something but saying it regardless to try to seem a certain way publicly, or manifesting good energy when it’s not necessarily there.

Jae feels his chosen field of work hasn’t necessarily helped the situation, and he’s grappling with that while trying to raise discussions.

Is K-pop part of the problem?

“Especially, I feel like [K-pop] idols are … supposed to uphold a standard of perfection, but that in itself I think is a form of toxic positivity. It’s extremely, extremely toxic, more than most people think. We’re role models, right?

“If we’re always picture perfect, squeaky shiny, and always for the right causes, never have an opinion [on] anything, what happens when the people who look up to us have an opinion? When they’re not squeaky perfect? If they’re comparing themselves to us, they may think, ‘My favourite singer is always happy. He’s always cheery. But I’m sad. That’s strange.’ What kind of role model is that?”

Change is happening slowly in the industry, and artists are increasingly talking about their own states of mental health. The past few years have seen several K-pop artists go on hiatus to take care of themselves. But there’s still more work to do, according to Jae.

“I think people need to be more real. I think people need to be more transparent. Mental health has become a wider known issue these days, so I think more people are open to talking about it.

“We preach that it’s okay to be normal, but it’s not something that we actually show, don’t actually act on. We preach it all the time: ‘It’s okay not to be okay.’ You see it in the songs everywhere. But I feel like the same artists who sing these songs and the same people who say these things publicly are the same people who always are perfect on the red carpet, never transparent enough to show who they actually are as a person.

“I feel like that in itself is a kind of hypocrisy. I try to be as human as I can while upholding a certain standard because I recognise and respect the culture [of being a celebrity].”

It was upholding the unrealistic standards that Jae in part thinks led things to get so bad, as he was always thinking about the perceptions of others and reining himself in.

A comment a fan made on social media about it being a good thing that he was less likely to share an opinion while speaking in Korean, rather than in English, helped him realise the intensity of what he was doing: because there is an idea that having opinions as a public person can lead to trouble, some fans of a group may not want band members to reflect their true opinions, and he had internalised the burden of that feeling regarding opinions to the extreme.

“It’s so ridiculous to me,” he admits. “That having an opinion could have any sort of connotation of being negative. I feel like having an opinion is never the problem. Having a strange and maybe immoral or unjust opinion, that’s definitely the problem. We as a society have come to a point where you can’t say anything without being judged.”

Now, he’s trying to be more forthright and earnest while expressing himself, and trying not to internalise the opinions of every random person who has opinions on his opinions, and thus has more or less stopped reading comments on social media.

“My emotional energy can be used better somewhere else, and I only have a certain amount every day,” he admits. “If people are going to hate me for what I think, they’re going to hate me regardless, so I’m just trying to be more open about everything now. No bubble of protection, no filter, no safety being on any more. If they don’t like it, that’s just me.

“I removed that filter because I thought it was one of the reasons I had that panic attack in the first place. I think I was right, because I’ve been having less and less [incidents]. Biting your tongue is necessary in many situations, but biting it to the extent that I was biting it because of boundaries I wasn’t allowed to cross, or certain opinions I was told I couldn’t uphold, that was what was hurting me the most.”

Making his own music, and the future

Following the incident, Jae spent much of 2020 not actively taking part in the activities of Day6, and focused on releasing his own music under the name “eaJ”. Through several releases, he explored his own artistry rather than thinking about what audiences want to hear, and focused on finding what he likes, trying to garner respect for his musical capabilities, and consider what he wants out of his career.

He feels like he succeeded at that, and hopes 2021 bears the fruit of the seeds he planted last year.

“Music gets my imagination going; using my emotional energy on a song or recording session, that seems like a lot more fruitful than worrying about a comment that I can’t do anything about regardless.”

One thing that inspired him to share some solo work with the world was the realisation of how much it was impacting him that his musical worth within Day6 wasn’t getting much recognition.

“We as a team are always involved in the songs, and it felt really discrediting and disheartening to hear that some members were more recognised than others. [I thought} ‘Maybe it’s time you start following your own career path and showing your own colours.’”

Three members of the band released an album in August, but Jae and the group’s other vocalist-guitarist, Sungjin, both sat it out. Jae admits that his hiatus from the band since early May wasn’t exactly his idea.

“It may be a bit of a surprise for some people to hear, but I was never someone that said, ‘I need a break.’ I was like, ‘I’ll get better.’ I was thinking, ‘I might need a little bit of time, but you guys get on it first.’ To be honest, I will be thriving, and Day6 will be, with the next album. When everyone is ready, I’ll be good.”

Overall, Jae says he’s optimistic and looking forward to a successful, healthy 2021. “I’m definitely recovering, and hopefully moving in the right direction,” he says.

source

#day6 #park jaehyung #t: interview #scmp #long post #210130

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futurise · 3 years ago

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Why do u dislike Howard Stark? I know he is not the ideal father but isn’t that all fathers in media .. not all but most.

this ask is making me lose my mind................. “why do u hate the man who emotionally and physically abused your fave their entire childhood, gave them alcohol at the age of 5 thus causing his lifelong struggle against alcoholism, and regularly features in their recurring psychological trauma and most haunting nightmares........ isn’t that what all dads do”.

listen . there are shitty fathers in media and then there’s howard fucking stark.

not only was howard stark a disgusting, awful, abusive pos to his wife and son, the majority of tony’s specific mental issues can be traced back to things howard said, did or instigated. his alcoholism, his feelings of inadequacy, lack of self-worth and horrifying self-loathing, his struggle with masks and perceptions of himself / his strength / his masculinity, his habit of self-isolating and pretending everything is perfectly fine rather than having to rely on anyone else, and a whole plethora of other traits directly related to growing up as a child of an abusive household.

there’s also a lot of gross homophobic undertones to his use of the word ‘ sissy ’, his insistence on trying to make tony a ‘ man ’, and his constant mockery of tony’s seemingly effeminate behavior — namely having emotions, liking books, and preferring reading and fantasy to sports. tony grew up in an environment ruled by constant fear, relentlessly disparaged for literally everything he did, and was made to feel like he was a coward / worthless / nothing / etc. here’s a summary of flashback quotes to his childhood:

“You don’t want to be a sissy, now do you? Stark men are made of iron!” (Iron Man v1 #286)

“I was seven when my father decided I was a disappointment to him.” (Iron Man v1 #287)

“Stop being such a coward, boy. You’ve been coddled by wealth, and it’s made you weak.” (Iron Man v1 #287)

“You listen to me, boy! You’ll never amount to anything! If you don’t put some iron – into that spine of yours. You have to push yourself. Be tough! Be strong! Work harder! Be a man!” (Iron Man v1 #300)

it’s popular knowledge that tony is a recovering alcoholic but i don’t think many people know that his alcoholism is directly tied to howard and was catalyzed by howard forcing him to drink bourbon at five years old. and he did it because a ) he had no choice and howard would likely have laid hands on him if he tried to turn down the drink but more importantly, b ) he was so desperate for howard’s approval he would have drunk the whole bottle. like... what an incredibly fucked up situation for a child to be put in and what an incredibly fucked up thing for a child to have to think in the first place. not to mention what he sees in his mother’s reaction afterwards where she now’s afraid for her own son and the destructive cycle he’s repeating because her pos alcoholic husband forced their five year old child to drink.

HOWARD: You want him to stay a sissy little boy forever? He’s got to learn, if he’s going to make anything of himself. To be tough. Strong. To be a man. Son, this is fine single-malt bourbon. Drink up. It’ll put hair on your chest. TONY: Yes, sir. HOWARD: Not like that, boy! Don’t sip it, throw it back! [ TONY’S INTERNAL MONOLOGUE: I’d never tasted liquor before. It was horrible. But I knew not to swallow would be a disgrace to my father. I would have drunk down the whole bottle if it’d win me more of his approval… so precious for its scarcity… And then, I happen to look into my mother’s eyes — And saw not pride, but sadness. She’d seen what’d become of my father over the years … and now she feared for me. ]

also, comic writers are perfectly aware of howard being the worst father in the known multiverse because he’s frequently brought back as a nightmare vision, literal demon from hell, or straight-up villain. the below passage is from when demon!howard is summoned by mephisto to fight howard, the writer, bob layton, has since confirmed at a convention that this wasn’t just a minion of mephisto pretending to be howard but actually howard. with new homophobic subtext and slutshaming insults for an older tony.

HOWARD: Losing again, eh, boy? You always were a wimp. Never had the stones to do what had to be done! TONY: I... I always tried to do... what was right! HOWARD: [...] You’re weak. Nothing but a fancy-boy. You’re no son of mine. [ TONY’S INTERNAL MONOLOGUE: I’d heard it all before. But the pain was still enough–to distract me from the physical threat at hand. ] HOWARD: You were my greatest shame, but I’ll make a man out of you yet! I’ll beat it into you, you prancing gigolo! Every... single... day... for eternity! [ TONY’S INTERNAL MONOLOGUE: Still, his most powerful weapons–were words. ] HOWARD: Weak! Namby-pamby! Vacillating when you should act! You always were a disappointment, both to me–and to your mother!

then there’s cantwell’s tragic attempt at an iron man run where in the current storyline howard sold tony’s soul to mephisto.

MEPHISTO: I spoke the truth with your father’s tongue, Tony. He promised you to me. Or well, he will. Someday many many years from now. I’ve seen it in the stone.

MEPHISTO: There must always be an Iron Man, I’m afraid. HOWARD: Well then, I suppose it’s a good thing you’ve got his greatest enemy by your side. No one knows my boy like I do. How to build him. And how to break him.

so yeah i don’t ‘’’’’’’’’dislike’’’’’’’’ howard stark i hate him and hate everything he stands for because he’s disgusting excuse of a human being and anyone that thinks otherwise should choke.

panels for the above quotes below the cut.

iron man v1 #286

iron man v1 #287

iron man 2: public identity #2, the mcu tie-in comic, which shows howard being openly physical with him and tony begging to go back to boarding school. he’s probably 5 or 6 years old here.

iron man v1 #300

iron man v1 #313

iron man: legacy of doom #2

avengers v8 #31

#００. SYSTEMS.CMD : // UNIDENTIFIED.#０２. PRVT.SERVER : // ENCRYPTED.#child abuse /#domestic abuse /#alcoholism /#homphobia /#anyway i have NO time for abuse apologists and especially howard stark apologists #you could be forgiven for not knowing all of the specific context for 616 but even in the mcu he's an abusive disgusting pos

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dramaticviolincrescendo · 4 years ago

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Okay, what are your thoughts on Ian's relationships? With his family, his boyfriends, and Mandy (since I think that's the only friend he's had)

Oh, no. Ohhhhhhhh, no. Now you’ve done it. You’ve asked about my dear, darling favorite character on the show. My love for one Ian Gallagher runs deep, which means this answer is going to run super long. The good, the bad, and everything in between—Ian Gallagher lives rent free in my brain and always will. I derive so much satisfaction from seeing Ian interact with other people, in whatever capacity that might be. I admire and aspire to the compassion he has shown for others over the years, even and perhaps most especially those who arguably haven’t earned it. He tries so hard to be good to people, and seeing their love for him manifest when he’s reached such lows where he can’t even fathom why the love of his life would want to be with him forever? That’s powerful.

So, yeah. I said I could write essays on these characters, and that’s exactly what you’re about to get: five hours and 6k words’ worth of my thoughts. (I am so sorry. There will be text walls.)

Let’s dive into Ian’s many and multifaceted relationships—his family, his friends, and his romantic pursuits.

Ian and Family

Ian told us where he stood on this in the very first season, and it set the standard for his character for eleven years to come. Faced with a prospect that others in his position could only dream of—not being Frank’s son and having a wealthy father with a functional, prosperous lifestyle mere miles away—Ian refused to buy into it. He refused to do what might have been objectively better for his future by seeking a relationship with Clayton. In that household, he would have had access to a better public school, more financial resources, a tutor to help him where he was struggling, and less urgency for him to work so that he could enjoy being a kid. When he got sick, he would have had access to better healthcare, too. Perhaps he would have had a better shot at West Point from that background than he did at home. But that’s just it: home was with his family, and he was very clear that they didn’t live in that nice house. All he wanted—all he wanted—was to be with his brothers and sisters. He has never referred to them as only half-siblings or half-cousins; he has never even used the words, “you’re not my dad,” on Frank. That’s his family, the people he loves most in the world, and he’s always been at his best when he’s with them and at his worst when he’s not. Let’s look at each of them:

1. Frank: It is so striking to me that Ian doesn’t appear to hold the outright contempt for Frank that Fiona, Lip, and Debbie have exhibited at different points over the years. Aside from the handful of instances where they’ve gotten into physical altercations (which Frank always initiated) and kicking him out of the house on occasion, Ian is simply indifferent to him. But there are these moments, these brief glimmers of mutual attachment and loyalty, if those are the right words. In the scene where Ian famously doesn’t count to three before using the pepper spray on him, Frank starts saying how his New Gallaghers weren’t his real kids—that Ian is his real son, and Frank is his real father. It’s a passing thought uttered while trying to manipulate his way into the house that neither of them think much of, nor does the audience…until you remember that biologically, Frank isn’t his father, and he certainly hasn’t behaved like one either. Ian has more right than anyone to comment on that, but he doesn’t because Frank is his father. He’s the father that Ian idly hoped wouldn’t come to his wedding yet sat joking about with Debbie rather than getting pissed off that he was making out with some lady in front of everyone. He’s the father who sat at the table with them eating breakfast in 11x03 and claimed Mickey was the man in their relationship without Ian saying a word to him about it, and who Ian saw no issue with taking Franny to school when no one else could. In s4, as far removed from his family as he’d been for a while, Ian still went straight to the hospital when he heard that Frank was at death’s door. We focus so much on his attitude towards Monica because of how obvious it was that we frequently miss these tiny moments and their implications. It would take an awful lot of patience, compassion, and love not to write Frank off completely after all he’s done. Not necessarily our standard definition of love between a son and his father, perhaps, but a loving soul.

2. Monica: I have actually written a pretty lengthy post about his relationship with her because while their shared mental illness definitely plays a role in his feelings toward her, that grew complicated far earlier than his diagnosis. The first time we meet her, we see that he has a visceral reaction to news of her presence. He runs. When Ian can’t process strong emotions, that’s what he’s done in the past. I happened upon an interview Cameron did just after the end of s1 where he mentioned something I had already been thinking: Ian’s age when Monica left is extremely important. He was a kid in s1, but one who could roll with the punches, sometimes literally. She left them two years before that. Ian would have been in middle school, roughly as old as Debbie was when she still called Frank “daddy” and forgave him for everything he did. It’s an awkward age that once again set Ian in something of a danger zone—too old to accept an excuse or no explanation at all, but not old enough to process the situation in a healthy way. And then she’s back all of a sudden with no warning. Ian doesn’t cry like Debbie, and he doesn’t typically get explosively angry like Fiona. He can’t deal, so he runs. He hangs back. He only speaks when he has to and compartmentalizes: Monica wants to take Liam, and they need to stop her. It doesn’t have to be about her leaving. They have a goal—he can focus on that. And then she’s back a year later, saying she’s here to stay while Fiona seems to take her at her word and Lip isn’t there to ground everyone. Ian tries so hard to behave like Lip would with his biting sarcasm and attempts to stay emotionally distant in a way that seemed pretty exaggerated for Ian, but he’s also dealing with a fresh wave of guilt over Mickey going to juvie—and Monica gets it. She’s the only person to acknowledge that he’s in pain and actively try to make it better. She’s the only one who really knows at the time, but that hardly matters. This poor kid, whose mother left him when he still needed her, has her standing in front of him and saying she’s sorry and listening when he speaks and taking him dancing—just the two of them. Embarrassing as it was and harmful as it could have been, she tried to facilitate his dreams when no one else wanted him to go into the military. She was there for him when he went AWOL. She came for him when he was arrested and even wanted to make a place for him in her new life, unrealistic as it was. This goes so much deeper than them both being bipolar. Ian’s comment about her parachuting into their lives in s7 wasn’t about Mickey or her role in them breaking up. He trusted her. He wanted her. He needed her. And she’d convinced him that she would be there—until she left. Over and over again. She was there for him and unintentionally took advantage of how desperately he still needed his mother. She made him keep loving her, and that’s both a blessing that has him crying into a voluminous man’s arms when she passes and a curse that wrecked him more than once.

3. Fiona: The trust these two have for each other cannot be understated. Fiona has discussed things with Ian that she never brought up around any of the other kids throughout the entire series. In the pilot episode, she tells him about feeling needed and takes his opinion on the matter to heart. At the end of the season, he’s the one she talks to about the car because she can trust him to give her an answer even without speaking. In s2, she tells Lip that the two of them are her rocks, and we see that time and time again. That’s part of what makes their falling out over the church hit that much harder: it’s Ian and Fiona. The only time they’d been on the outs in any serious manner up to that point was when Ian was adjusting to his new reality and they were trying to find a balance between sister and caretaker. Otherwise, that bond of trust had never been severed—not until Ian literally sold himself only for it to amount to nothing in the end because she had no idea the lengths to which he’d gone to get that building. That damage gets mended, thankfully, but what a powerful period of time when those two were the only ones who’d never really been at each other’s throats. There is a downside to that trust, though. As I mentioned before, Ian was so responsible and put together when he was younger that Fiona didn’t think twice about his situation with Ned or that he ran away. Not even seventeen yet, and she was telling Debbie that she didn’t like his decision to leave but trusted him. That is one of the things I love about this show—even something like trust that we always prop up as an important factor in our relationships can betray us in the most unexpected ways.

4. Lip: I won’t go into it here, but the relationship they share is something that means a lot to me on a personal level. It’s part of how I knew that Ian would become my favorite character pretty early on. The way he simultaneously admires and envies Lip, loves and is annoyed by him, relies on him and is desperate to pave his own path in the world—what a beautiful and accurate depiction of what it means to be a younger sibling. Lip is the first person to discover that he’s gay and openly accept him for it. (I think what he tried with Karen came from a well-meaning place even if it was horribly, horribly misguided.) Lip is the one who tries to get him into West Point, hate it as he does. He helps Ian when Terry is after him, takes care of him in the aftermath of the wedding when he realizes just how deeply Ian feels for Mickey, searches the whole damn city for him when he finds out that Ian is in trouble, gets him a job, leans on him in his own time of need… He’s not perfect. He slips up, just like Ian does. Some things break my heart, like Lip insisting that he’s earned his own space when his little brother is asking him for safe harbor or Ian thanking him for being his brother outside the prison. But they love each other so much, and I just… I can’t possibly put into words how much I love their dynamic.

5. Debbie, Carl, and Liam: I’m grouping these three together because they’re further separated from Ian in age, so we see a lot of the same trends with them as a whole. Ian loves taking care of people. We know this. We also know that Fiona and Lip don’t typically want him taking care of them—they’re the ones who take care of him when he needs it, specifically Lip. With the younger three, however, Ian can be the Big Brother. He can shake his head in utter bafflement at Debbie’s obsession with holding her breath for two minutes, walk Carl through what he needs to go camping, and promise his baby brother postcards when he leaves. The difference here is that his relationship with them is so much less fraught with conflict. We don’t see him fight with Debbie, Carl, or Liam the way he has with Fiona or Lip. While Ian tends to be the voice of reason during conflicts overall, I think it’s also because he relies on his older siblings in a way that he doesn’t with his younger siblings, and the latter don’t tend to rely on him as much as Fiona or Lip as well. There’s a lack of tension in most of their interactions growing up because that pressure isn’t there. Perhaps this is where Ian’s age and standing in the family is a bit more beneficial: young enough to have people he can rely on while too young for anyone to really rely on him for more than his share of the squirrel fund.

Ian and Friends

I’ve seen it mentioned that Ian (and Mickey) not having more friends is bad or lazy writing. I tend to believe that that fails to take something into account that, admittedly, most of us don’t really have to think about: having friends is a luxury. It requires time and effort to cultivate friendships, especially lasting ones. As a kid, Ian spent a lot of his free time working or helping to manage one family crisis after another. Going AWOL, losing his health, struggling to acclimate to his illness, trying to find a new career path, spiraling into the Gay Jesus movement, going to prison, adjusting once again to normal life, getting married, a pandemic… I’m sure he’s had plenty of acquaintances over the years, but having a family to support and constant upheavals would have made it extremely difficult to really forge strong relationships with them. I think that’s part of what makes his relationship with Mandy so special and valuable to him: she’s sort of the same way.

When we met Mandy in s1, she had other friends. We saw her meet up with them and go shopping; she told Ian a story about how one was mad at her for not sharing her make-up. As the trauma in the Milkovich household reached its zenith for her in s2 and she started thinking seriously about getting out of there, we saw those friends fall by the wayside—all except Ian. He saw her and let her see him early on. That’s a level of trust and respect that nobody else in their neighborhood would have displayed, certainly not to her. But then there’s this guy who defended her against their creepy, perverted teacher and treated her like a human being, not an object. It’s no wonder she developed an obvious, unrequited crush and sought physical comfort from him occasionally. It’s no wonder she tried to repay the favor by giving Mickey a hard time in s3 and s4, misguided and rather uninformed as we know it was at the time. (It’s also no wonder that she went for the closest Gallagher to Ian, either, but that’s for another meta.)

And Ian… Ian is loyal to a fault. We have watched Ian cut out his own heart and let the blood drip down his arm to pool on the floor at his feet if it would make a damn bit of difference for the people he loves. Like Fiona and Lip, Mandy immediately accepted him for who he is and suggested an arrangement that would protect him as well as benefit her. That is enormous where they came from. To him, that had to feel like the ultimate sign of friendship: he could trust her with a part of him that he hadn’t even entrusted to most of his family yet. From that point on, she was on the List of People Ian Gallagher Would Do Anything For. Finding out about Terry and what had happened? He held a bake sale, of all things, to fundraise for her. Seeing that his brother—his best friend—was treating her like garbage? He put him in his place. Her boyfriend was beating her? He brought her home and made it his goal to find a safe place for her to stay, even if it ultimately didn’t work. She was going to move away from all of her meager support with that boyfriend? He didn’t just rally his own arguments—he brought in outside help with Lip, who he thought might tip the scales. It’s usually just a saying that true friends will help each other hide a body, but Ian literally tried to do that. Lucky for him, he has a good head on his shoulders and used it.

No, Ian doesn’t seem to have a lot of friends. We’ve seen that he has spheres of influence, if you will, and acquaintances that he can call upon when he needs them. (For example, the guys that helped with the preacher.) However, Ian has always struck me as a “quality over quantity” type of person. Being a soldier or an EMT isn’t lucrative, but they’re meaningful for someone who sees them as vehicles for helping people. Seeing more parts of the world than just Chicago has appealed to him in the past, but he seems perfectly content to carve out a spot for himself right here at home. Having only three best friends—Lip, Mandy, and Mickey—doesn’t seem like much of a hardship for him.

Ian and Romantic Pursuits

I hate to say that there were five, but from Ian’s perspective, there were. So, let’s talk about all five. Even though…there weren’t five. There was only one. We’ll save the best for last.

1. Kash: The first of Ian’s perceived romantic pursuits that really wasn’t. I hope it goes without saying that I hate this man with the passion of a thousand burning suns. I hate him so much. However, their interactions taught me a whole lot about how kind and compassionate Ian really is—and how naïve. Of course, he would believe that Kash loved him. The man was buying him all sorts of expensive gifts, and that’s what we see on all the commercials and in so many movies, isn’t it? Grand gestures of affection through expensive gifts. Poor as they were, Ian still scraped together the money to buy him baseball tickets and CDs, convinced as he was that that was all part of what you did in a relationship. That desire to do things like a “normal” married couple in s11? Yeah, that starts here. Ian has always been a planner, and he’s always bought into certain stereotypes. We can see that here. What we can also see is Ian’s compassionate, kind, loving soul. He cares so deeply for other people, even ones that he doesn’t know very well, especially if they are living in circumstances that mean something to him. (For example, the mentally ill woman they tried to help at work and the shelter kids whose situations were so similar to Mickey’s.) Kash being a closeted gay man living in misery with a wife he didn’t love and two children he never meant to have clearly tugged at Ian’s heartstrings. Even after everything that happens, even though Ian behaves as though they’re awkward exes who just happen to work together, he still covers for Kash. He gives him that head start and takes it upon himself to break the news to Linda that he’s gone. He defends Kash to Lip when the latter finally says exactly what we all know: he was a pedophile who deserved to rot in prison for what he did. As with Fiona’s trust, Ian’s loving soul, compassionate heart, and desire for love outside his siblings are virtues that have done him harm in the past. This is one such instance.

2. Ned: The second of Ian’s perceived romantic pursuits that really wasn’t. To be honest, I don’t believe that Ian would even characterize it that way. He seemed very aware that Ned was a distraction from his problems—from Mickey being in juvie, Monica falling into a depressive episode, the money in the squirrel fund being gone, Lip moving out, losing his shot at West Point, and getting denied for service due to his age. Again, though, Ian has always wanted to feel valued, and this rich dude was letting him stay in a fancy hotel room with anything he wanted readily available. This (disgusting predator) guy was giving him attention and a distraction with no strings attached. Then the complications roll in, and he’s once again faced with being the mistress to a closeted, married man. The difference here is that he’s not comfortable with it. He tries to tell Fiona twice, which is enormous for Ian when he has never been very good at communicating if it means burdening others with or even merely facing his own problems. But he tries to tell her. He rejects the GPS unit and tells Ned that he has a boyfriend, boxing him into a strictly sexual arrangement. (This, unfortunately, makes sense. It aligns with how Fiona viewed things: where Jimmy was concerned about it, she told him that it was “just sex.”) He is also visibly embarrassed to admit to Lip and Fiona what has been going on with Ned. By that point, Ian is a year and a half older and, while still scarred and warped in his views because of Kash, perhaps a bit wiser. Emotionally, he kept Ned at arm’s length most of the time. He used Ned not just as a distraction, but as a way to galvanize Mickey into taking their relationship a step forward. But Ian is still Ian, and Ian is compassionate to a fault. Ned played that card by asking if he could have a little understanding for a man whose life was falling apart. Sure, he can. He’s Ian, the Gallagher too empathetic for his own good at times. We know how that spirals out of control. It just goes to show that even when Ian was trying to maintain some emotional distance, his heart is simply too big and his perceptions too heavily impacted by the grooming he’d experienced with two different people by then, and so he [SPOILER ALERT] still feels enough of a connection to Ned after all these years to be mildly bothered that he passed away.

3. Caleb: The third of Ian’s perceived romantic pursuits that really wasn’t. Ian’s relationship with Caleb strikes me as being similar to what he had with Ned. While more age-appropriate, Ian was very much using Caleb, just as Caleb was using him. That’s why it was so easy for both of them to walk away. Ian was in a difficult spot when they met. He was grateful to the firefighters who saved his life, but he had also just saved someone else at a moment when he was perhaps at his absolute lowest. That’s what he’s always wanted, isn’t it—to be a bit of a hero and help people? So, he’s understandably drawn there, first out of gratitude and then to be surrounded by very attractive gay firemen who helped people, saved his life, and invited him to be part of a function they were holding. But he made himself pretty clear from the start: he was interested in sex with Caleb. That was the draw. He still hasn’t come to terms with being bipolar and losing Mickey, but Ian has never not been with anyone for any extended length of time. That’s just who he is: he’s always sought some level of outward validation—from the army, Kash, Monica, Mickey, and so many others. We’re seeing him struggle with that now as he deals with the opportunities available to him as a mentally ill ex-con felon. So, he pursues Caleb as a distraction just like he did with Ned, only Caleb is a predator in his own right and can smell that his interest is coming from a place of weakness. He immediately (and initially unintentionally) preys on Ian’s desperate need for structure and order by insisting on a traditional date where Ian is very much out of his element and even goes so far as to instruct Ian on how to be intimate. It’s no wonder he mentions Mickey in these moments, as Mickey never wanted him to change, and Ian leans heavily (even slightly hyperbolically) into the fact that Mickey wasn’t a paragon of order and stability like Caleb outwardly appears.

And I think why Ian puts up with it so long—being taught like a child, being used to upset Caleb’s parents, being paraded in front of his friends to make them jealous—is because he was getting something out of it too, just like with Ned. A stable place to live when their home ownership was in flux, a place away from his family when they weren’t providing the support he needed as he adjusted to his disorder, someone who validated his desires to help people regardless of their ulterior motives, and a physical distraction from his own problems. All of these parallel his relationship with Ned very closely. It was never going to last, of course. Ian is a strong person who temporarily forgot how strong he was because he forgot who he was, and Caleb didn’t want to be cared for—he wanted a project, like all of his sculptures. Being a project, being something that others see as needing to be fixed? That’s a hard no for Ian. It always has been. There’s a moment I love later in their relationship where Caleb tells him to turn off the lights when he goes out and lightly reprimands him for leaving one on the day prior. Ian is in a better place at that point, having regained a lot of his sense of self, and stares after him with indignation at being treated like a kid. He’s then lied to and cheated on, but I think that to mention those things to Caleb when they break up is to admit weakness on his own part—that he stuck with Caleb knowing that he was being mistreated, and Ian is not one to be called a victim. So, while we know from his discussions with Lip and Sue that the cheating and distrust bothered him most, he merely focused on Caleb lying about his sexuality, which removed a lot of the emotion from the situation—just like he did with Ned. It ultimately turned out to be a bad move since Caleb, being a skilled predator, made him question even his own sexuality in return, but we’re starting to see that Ian isn’t here to be someone’s toy anymore. Not an older, married man like Ned, but definitely not anyone his age either. I’m glad this pseudo-relationship happened because it showed Ian how strong he really was and that he could be in control of his own life. Sure, it destabilized him a little in the aftermath, but he worked through it. He leaned on his family, specifically Lip, who has always been his rock without the blurred lines that Fiona represented between sister/mother-figure/caretaker. Caleb is a garbage person, but Ian was the one who pulled the treasure from the trash, not him.

4. Trevor: The fourth of Ian’s perceived romantic pursuits that really wasn’t. Trevor is perhaps the first relationship where we don’t see Ian dive in. Whether that’s because of his confusion over Trevor’s gender identity or the fact that he was really beginning to fully mature as an adult by that point (ostensibly finishing his education, getting a career, being fully self-sufficient, etc.), he tried to take his time and not jump right in. They hung out, talked around the neighborhood, and yes, engaged in some casual intimacy at the club. Again, Ian might not be in a full relationship, but he’s never without someone for long. At that point in the series, all he was missing was a relationship when it comes to traditional, “normal” goals for people to have. But Trevor posed a situation he’s never been in before since, while gay himself, Ian has never been very interested in activism or engaging in the LGBT community. It’s just not in his culture or environment, so to be faced with someone he’s interested in that challenges a lot of his views of gender and sexuality is something he takes his time with. Unfortunately, Trevor is younger than him and not quite as mature, not quite as experienced. He tells Ian he has plenty of friends and doesn’t need another, which is an ultimatum that has never really sat very well with me personally because I’m generally of the mind that if a person needs time and you really care for them, you’ll let them have that time. I’m not unsympathetic to Trevor: he’s been burned before and has his own trauma stemming from responses to his identity, so it makes complete sense for him not to be patient in this regard. He shouldn’t have to be—but then, Ian shouldn’t have to rush into anything he’s not 100% certain he wants either. That’s exactly what he does, though, because Ian does for others without thinking of the implications for himself a lot of the time. They make great friends, but they don’t make great partners. Trevor treats Ian similarly to Caleb in that he’s a bit of a project. Trevor educates him on the LGBT community and incorporates him into his ventures for the shelter without ever really showing much interest in Ian’s life or family, which suits Ian just fine because for as interested as he is in helping with the shelter and as attracted to Trevor as he is, he seems to know they’re not compatible. Ian, who has been having sex since he was far too young, takes a step back from it when they run into compatibility issues. (And pushes back on the pressure to bottom with some of his own—neither of them were in the right on that.) He doesn’t ask much about Trevor’s family or try to be part of his personal life. They sort of embody the “friends with benefits” stereotype: they hang out, they have sex, and that’s really all there is to their relationship.

The reason Ian doubles down on trying to make it work isn’t because there was a future for them before Mickey broke out. It’s because he thinks he’s lost Mickey forever, he knows he’s lost Monica forever, and he’s not going to get the support he needs from his family when they couldn’t stand Monica and Fiona told him what he already knew to be true, namely that Mickey being an escaped convict would destroy everything Ian worked so hard for if he got involved. So, he does what Ian does. He needs that distraction—he needs to run from these strong emotions he can’t process, so he bottles them up and unfairly hopes that Trevor will provide some of that comfort after cheating on him with Mickey. (Had Mickey been released, I think they would have broken up. Instead, that was the first match Ian lit, but certainly not the last.) Now, the thing is, Trevor said at the start that he didn’t want to be Ian’s friend. He’s also younger and less mature in a relationship, which means he threw the concept of love out there prematurely, just like Ian thought what he had with Kash was love. The death throes of their relationship were a back and forth where Ian was spiraling and seeking comfort, and Trevor was providing some while keeping their relationship pretty amorphous. (Were they exes? Were they friends? Were they people who shared interests and danced around each other? Were they going to get back together? They never officially broke up—it fizzled and resurged, then fizzled for good.) Ultimately, whatever it was that they had couldn’t survive Mickey, Monica, or Gay Jesus. Trevor wasn’t prepared to deal with a full-blown manic episode, and based on his hands-off approach with involving himself in Ian’s life even before the Mickey-shaped bomb got dropped on them, it doesn’t seem like he really wanted to anyway. He did what he’s always done: prioritized his shelter, which I’m not deriding in the slightest. By that point, Ian was too far gone to care that he disappeared anyway. Had the situation been different and he was getting the support from his family that he needed, it doesn’t seem like he would have cared much there either.

5. Mickey: Finally. Only took over five thousand words to get here. I’ll preface this with something that anyone who knows me from other fandoms is already well aware of, namely that I don’t do romance. Ever. Never been interested. The relationships I’ve always been most passionately interested in are platonic ones, especially “found families” and siblings, which is probably obvious from the other five thousand words here. Ian and Mickey are the first relationship I’ve actively shipped or written for in a fandom. They’re the first I’ve been invested in to this extent. As such, one of the biggest pet peeves I had when I first joined this fandom was the saying, “Ian fell first, Mickey fell harder.” These two wonderful dumbasses face planted on the concrete in front of the Kash and Grab in s1 and never recovered. I could go on forever about these two, but that particular wall of text would probably be too daunting for even the most avid Gallavich stan to traverse, so I’ll keep it fairly brief. As we can see above, Ian has a very strict sense of what he “should” want in a partner. Someone who is moderately successful in their chosen field, makes enough money to at least live comfortably, and typically does something that helps other people (a doctor, a fireman, a youth counselor). These aren’t passionate people. They’re not men who operate on instinct the way most of the people in his life have always had to by virtue of their social standing. They have life goals and opportunities that he envies, and Ian has a great deal of compassion for them when they hit a roadblock or things don’t work out. The amazing dichotomy of Ian Gallagher is that he straddles a line most people can’t between the rough neighborhood that has instilled in him all of his values/behaviors and the middle-class mentality of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and aspiring to more. Ian has always aimed for what Lip said wasn’t possible for poor people: being successful without having to scam or steal. But as I said way back at the beginning of this manifesto, the South Side is his home. His family is his family. And none of the people he’s been with personify the South Side quite like Mickey—they don’t personify home like Mickey.

And I think that’s where the initial draw for Ian is. (I’m going to focus on Ian’s side since he’s who your question focused on.) The other guys look great on paper, and Ian’s brain says that that’s what he should aim for. We know better, though. We know that Ian has an enormous heart that belongs first and foremost to his family and their home. His heart says that this person—this dirty, rude, mean, violent person—is home. His heart says this person is everything about himself that he denies having, just like Ian was everything about Mickey that the latter declined to openly acknowledge for so long. I don’t like relationships built on “making each other better.” I really don’t. The wonderful thing about this is that it’s never been that way. Ian didn’t change Mickey. He’s exactly who he’s always been, but he’s grown past the fear of his own emotions and Terry’s response to them. He’s still a thief, a con artist, violent, and rude. Mickey didn’t change Ian either. He’s still rigidly conforming to certain stereotypes of what he thinks he should want, seeking structure (to his own detriment at times), and not a great communicator. The point for them is that they complement each other, not that they make the other a better person—not even that they bring something out of each other that wasn’t already there. That’s what Ian’s other relationships did. They made him shave off his edges so that he could fit a square peg into a round hole, and that’s not happiness. It’s simply what he thought he was supposed to do—what “normal” people did.

With Mickey, he doesn’t have to worry so much about what is normal or acceptable. He doesn’t have to worry about whether or not his life is objectively “on track,” not until fairly recently. Mickey is the only person he’s ever been with who has accepted him for who he is, faults and strengths alike, without the underlying insinuation that he should be aiming for something else or pretending to be whatever the other person needs him to be in order to care for them. Kash needed an escape—Ian provided it. Ned needed a very specific brand of toy—Ian played that role. Caleb needed a project to feel fulfilled—Ian went along with it for a bit. Trevor needed someone who accepted him as he was but did things his way—Ian did that. To care for Mickey has only ever meant being himself because all Mickey ever really needed was him. Mickey didn’t need an escape from his home—his relationship with his family is more complicated than that. Mickey didn’t need to be saved from his upbringing—it’s what made him the person Ian fell in love with and who he is happy to be. Mickey didn’t need someone to change who he is on a fundamental level because unless it is going to get him into trouble and separate them, Ian never wanted him to. (Even then, it’s about what he does, not who he is.) And yes, I’m sure that there’s a level of excitement that Ian finds exhilarating where Mickey is concerned, but I tend to believe it goes a lot deeper than that. What he finds exciting about Mickey is what Mickey embodies about the South Side—about home. About his own upbringing, but also Ian’s. About Frank and Monica, his siblings, school, work, ROTC—existing and surviving in an environment where it’s not guaranteed that you’ll have money to keep the heat on this winter or feed your family. They spent the early seasons living in a constant state of fight or flight. They couldn’t afford not to. And there’s excitement in that. Look at how many people say that the first seasons are their favorite! There hasn’t been a huge shift in the quality or direction of the writing, just the trajectory of the characters. They’ve gotten older, and their problems have been different. It’s not about survival so much of the time anymore, but those are the storylines that excite us. For Ian, that exhilaration in the constant battle of survival in their neighborhood is sewn into the fiber of his being just like it is Mickey’s. He saw his home in Mickey before they truly fell in love, and when that followed, Mickey became home.

In Conclusion

Ian has spent his entire life looking for the “right” path only to realize that it was laid before him: his family, his small circle of friends, and Mickey. I love that that is coming full circle this season, where [SPOILER ALERT] marriage has almost made him regress a bit to that place where there must be a right way of doing things going forward, and slowly but surely, we’re seeing him loosen up.

Good morning. It’s Ian Gallagher loving hours.

#shameless #ian gallagher #it's ian gallagher loving hours #shameless meta #well that took six hours #and I didn't get more writing done #but I feel accomplished

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afairytalestray · 4 years ago

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The Dawn of the Age of Skimblegus

One of the most underrated ships in all of Cats.

Part 9 of my Cats pre-canon headcanon series (masterpost here), coming at you after delay caused by me taking forever to write this rather long instalment basically from scratch! But anyway it’s here now, and we’re back on character backstories, this time: Skimbleshanks, Asparagus, and a wee bit of Tumblebrutus being a mischievous sunshine smol. This one is maybe the longest one I’ve done yet; this was entirely unintentional and unplanned - it literally came to me as I was writing it. There is far too little Skimblegus content out there so I am creating the content I want to see! Just a content warning to start with: this one gets a bit dark - there’s a character death. Nothing too gruesome, but it is there. However, due to who I am as a person, it does have a happy ending. Without further ado, please enjoy!

Skimbleshanks, despite having god-tier dad skills, never actually has any biological kittens of his own. He’s something of an uncle figure to many of the Cats in the Junkyard (and the future adopted father of Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer - coming in a future post), and is perfectly happy with his lot. In his youth, he was very much a free spirit. He had itchy paws, and when he discovered the trains he became obsessed with travelling up and down the country on them. His time on the trains became a delight to the human rail workers and regular passengers, and he became quite well-known as the Railway Cat - the workers even set him up his own little office (like Tama!). At first, he split his time fairly evenly between the trains and the Junkyard - as much as he loved to travel, there was one thing he loved more: his best friend Asparagus (Jr.).

Skimbleshanks and Asparagus grew up together and were nigh inseparable from each other for most of their kittenhood. Skimble couldn’t tell you when exactly his feelings shifted from platonic to romantic, it was a very gradual thing. Asparagus can - the first time Skimble went away on the trains for more than a day, he realised he missed him more than a normal amount and it quickly clicked into place. It was normal for Skimble to set off in the morning and bounce back in the evening, but this time felt like forever. Never being a shy one, Asparagus resolves to tell Skimble when he returns. Even though he doubts Skimble feels the same way (Y’ALL), he hates keeping secrets from his best pal, and he’s confident their friendship is strong enough to survive it.

But when Skimble came back the next day, he just couldn’t do it. Skimble was high as a kite; he went on for an age about all the things he saw, how amazing the trip was, how amazing all the trips were, how the longer ones were so exciting, how he wants to go here, there, and everywhere etc…. And all Asparagus can think about is that they seem fundamentally incompatible. Asparagus has always been a homebody. He’s quiet, likes the comfort of his own den, always being close to his family, and has never had that adventurous streak that fuels Skimble’s every move. And the thought that even if Skimble did feel the same it wouldn’t work, that is far too painful to entertain. He would want to be close to Skimble, but knows he could never be happy constantly flitting from place to place. He also could never ask Skimble to give it up knowing how happy it makes him. So, Asparagus makes the call to swallow it all down for now, and then let it go. This choice, unfortunately and unintentionally, causes a bit of a gap to grow between them, as Asparagus struggles to act normal around him and needs a bit of space to get over the feelings.

At this point, Skimbleshanks is aware of his own feelings, but for the life of him can’t work out how to express them. He desperately wants to, and is constantly thinking of new ways to do it, but keeps binning them when they’re not totally perfect. It has to be perfect! He also notices that Asparagus has been acting weird around him, but can’t get him to talk about it. It worries him, but he doesn’t want to push the issue, and he has his trains to distract him after all. A week or so later, he sets off on a multi-day trip, resolving that if Asparagus is still off when he gets back, he’s going to trap them both in the old wardrobe so they can hash it out properly, Skimble can confess and then they’ll all live happily ever after.

There was nothing that could’ve prepared him for what he came back to.

Asparagus was right back to normal, albeit with the small caveat that he had met someone. A queen, a pretty ragdoll queen who was calm, clever and cautious, a little shy and reserved. When Asparagus excitedly introduced them Skimble felt his heart break, but he plastered a smile on his face and let Asparagus tell him all about how they met and how crazy their instant connection was. Asparagus had never meant to meet someone else, but he thought the best way to get over Skimble was to try and make some new friends, so despite his dislike of interacting with the general public and talking to strangers, he trotted on over to one of Bustopher’s clubs where he met Caorann. They both had a lot in common and hit it off right away, both of them bonding over trying to hide in the same corner since neither of them were comfortable in a room full of unknowns. Genuinely, the only other Cat Asparagus had had such a fast and strong connection with was Skimble, and since he had resolved to let his feelings for him go, he thought it would be a good thing to see where this might lead. The two of them fell in love quickly.

Skimble wanted to be furious, he really did, but he couldn’t. Caorann was nervous around him but always very sweet. Although she never knew about Skimbleshanks’ old feelings for Asparagus, she knew he was very important to him, and always strived to make a good impression. He was miserable and wanted to hate her, and at first couldn’t see how the two were a good match. But he could never bring himself to even dislike her, because it became very obvious very quickly that the two were more than a good match. Skimble, bless him, had never really considered the long term ramifications of being in a relationship with Asparagus, and was abruptly slapped in the face by all the same things that had occurred to Asparagus before: that the two were very different, and that their lifestyles just weren’t all that compatible. Caorann was a good match for Asparagus: neither of them were particularly adventurous, their idea of a perfect day involved little more than basking in a quiet patch of sunlight, and they shared the same lack of concern for the bustle and goings on of life outside their little happy bubble and the same desire to be comfortably settled. Fundamentally, at that time, Caorann was the better choice. Despite that, Skimble can’t help but think he might have given it all up for a chance to be with Asparagus.

But that hurt too much to think about, so Skimble went back to his trains, unable and unwilling to break Asparagus out of a happy relationship with someone else, but it never quite brought him the same joy as before. But it was a whole lot better than constantly seeing the Cat he loved in love with someone else, so he spent more and more time away from the Junkyard. The hurt lessened, after a while. It never really went away, but he found he was able to genuinely be happy when Caorann became pregnant, and vowed through joyful tears to be the best uncle in the world for little kitten Tumblebrutus when he was born.

On the day it happened, Skimbleshanks had recently gotten back to the Junkyard when a loud screech and a wail shattered the calm of the evening. Running towards the sound, the source was a sight that still gives him nightmares to the present day: baby Tumble screaming and crying as he lay trapped under the motionless bodies of his parents. It came out later that the three of them had gone on a family walk together, and on their way back as they crossed the road to the Junkyard, a car suddenly skidded round the corner and hurtled towards them as fast as lightning. Without thinking, Caorann and Asparagus threw themselves in front of their son. It worked. Little Tumble was almost completely unharmed, but Caorann was killed instantly, and they thought Asparagus had been too. However, as they were moved off of the road, they noticed Asparagus was breathing. It was extremely weak and laboured, but he was breathing.

Skimble can barely remember the weeks that followed. He only has flashes of burying Caorann, mostly remembering how it was wrong that Asparagus wasn’t there. All he can really remember was that everything hurt and was awful, and that he did whatever he could to help Jennyanydots, who took sole charge of Asparagus’ care (she and Jellylorum were already fully trained healers then, but Asparagus is Jelly’s little brother, and it was very difficult for her). He also tried to help look after Tumblebrutus, who was too young to understand what was going on. It took Asparagus a fortnight to wake up properly, and several more weeks to be able to move about independently again. When he woke up, he was deeply altered. He was in terrible physical pain, but also became emotionally despondent when he learned about Caorann. Skimble stayed by his side the whole time, trying to coax him into talking, maybe even smiling, and very gradually they made progress. Asparagus mourned his partner deeply, and was only able to pull himself out of it when he realised that Tumble needed him. It took a long time, but eventually Asparagus came back to himself.

To most other Cats, at least. Skimble was probably the only one who saw that Asparagus still had moments of deep sadness. To the others it just looked like he had zoned out for a moment, but Skimble knew those were the times when he was thinking about Caorann. These moments got easier for Asparagus to deal with over time, and although at times he missed her, it became pleasant for him to talk about her with Tumble, and he could remember their time with happiness instead of sadness, and eventually even realised that he was ready to try being with someone else.

The problem with that though, was that the accident had greatly damaged his body. He has chronic pain; he can no longer really dance like he used to, and can’t move around very far - leaving the Junkyard is no longer really an option for him. To his surprise, his old feelings for Skimble started to resurface. Although, he shouldn’t really have been surprised. Skimble had hardly left his side at all since the accident happened (the trains are in CHAOS), he’d been there through all the setbacks and progress, his meticulous nature shining through in his diligent care. He was such a constant in his life to the extent that Tumblebrutus was genuinely shocked when he learned that Skimble actually wasn’t related to him in any way (he basically sees Skimble as a second dad). However, Asparagus is more decided than ever that they wouldn’t work as a couple, seeing as how now he couldn’t join Skimble’s journeys even if he did want to. Skimble, though, is the deepest romantic at heart. He never stopped loving Asparagus, but knew he was needed as a friend first and foremost, so that’s what he was. He always says to himself that if they were ever to be more, he would never want to replace Caorann, so it would only be when Asparagus asked. So naturally, nothing ever happens.

Until Tumble puts his paw down. As he gets older, he struggles to understand why his two dads aren’t together. He knows about his mother, of course, but believes with his whole heart (correctly) that she would want them to be happy. He begins to plot ways to get them together, but doesn’t make much progress with the two stubbornly resistant Cats until Mistoffelees helps him.

When Misto arrives in the Junkyard he’s looked after by Skimble, who introduces him to Tumble. Misto is painfully shy and quiet, but with Asparagus as his dad Tumble is very used to quiet Cats, and Misto becomes a tentative friend. By the time Misto is mated, more confident and moving out from Skimble’s care, he wants to thank him for everything he’s done and how kind he’s been, and asks Tumble for help. Tumble immediately tells all about how grossly in love his dads are, but that they aren’t together for some reason despite his best efforts. The two of them decide that the dawn of the age of Skimblegus is nigh, and come up with a plan.

The next day the two of them separately lure Skimble and Asparagus to a secret location under the guise of “it’s a surprise”, which works despite its simplicity as Skimble is very fond of Misto and Asparagus is Tumble’s loving father. The secret location is revealed to be a nice picnic setup, and the boys each leave their respective parent figure with the cryptic message of “do yourself a favour and tell him.” Skimble and Asparagus decide to play along, but all mystery is very quickly dropped, as the picnic is very clearly romantic and intended to be a date. Things are a bit awkward at first, but the two soon fall into their usual easy rhythm. That is, until Asparagus jokes about this being Tumble’s idea of a date (“I mean, it’s not like it’s bad or anything, but like, yeah…” “Haha, yeah, as far as romantic gestures go it’s pretty good.” “It is kinda romantic, isn’t it?” “It is a bit, but like, that’s not a bad thing of course!” “Of course! I can think of far worse dates to be on!” “And Cats to be with!” “Is this… I mean, are we, you know, on a date right now?” and so on).

And then finally, finally, it all comes out. Skimble finally reveals that he’s been in love with Asparagus his whole life, but never got the chance to tell him before, then didn’t know if he could or should after everything; and Asparagus says that he loved him before and again now, but just doesn’t know that it would work. It all gets very sappy and mushy, but they ultimately decide to give it a go. And it works! The two of them have always gotten along like a house on fire, but now it’s more, and better! Tumble is ecstatic, and of course takes all the credit for himself (with the exception of the 20% he grants Misto). Skimble does go back to the trains, he’s missed them, but now he spends maybe only ⅓ of his time there, and the other ⅔ in the Junkyard with his beloved Asparagus. They’re both extremely happy with the balance, and always spend hours catching each other up when Skimble returns. Although Skimble is very much still an adventure-seeker, now that he’s a bit older and more mature he definitely enjoys a long nap curled up with his partner! They’re a happy, healthy couple who support each other, make each other laugh, and make the worst dad jokes you can possibly imagine.

#cats the musical #skimblegus #skimbleshanks #asparagus #tumblebrutus #long post is long #my headcanons #character death #skimblesparagus #asparagus jr #skimbleshanks x asparagus #asparagus x skimbleshanks #skimbledad

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fivefeetfear · 4 years ago

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Chapter one

This takes place a year into the future.

......................................

"Spinel please be careful while you are down on Earth." White says worriedly as she kneels before the pink gem. Blue nods in agreement as she joins White on the floor.

"And don't forget to call us whenever you have the time." The cool colored diamond chimes in a soft smile gracing her features.

"And please bathe everyday so you don't get the stench of that disgusting planet onto your clothes." Yellow advise with a scowl on her face. She really hated the smell when they last visited, and she doubts much has changed. The two other diamonds roll their eyes at Yellow whom only shrugged. They knew she was right.

All three of the diamonds then shifted their attention back to the beloved gem before them wary for the journey ahead of her. Spinel smiles nervously at the over baring women as she rubs the back of her neck. Though she lived with them for a year, the pink gem was not the biggest fan of the diamonds overprotective nature. It could be quite exhausting and honestly a bit embarrassing. Most days she felt like their child when she was not being their best friend. Even so, Spinel loves them dearly, but this trip is necessary for the sake of her sanity. Just the thought of sleeping in without entertaining anyone sounded amazing to her. Spinel never knew she would miss having her own space, at least this time she gets to choose when she wants to be alone.

Spinel steps onto the warp padded preparing herself to leave the palace.

"Don't worry about me my diamonds; you won't even notice that I'm gone." She says teasingly trying to bring some light to the situation. Though the diamonds didn't find it amusing. Yellow's eyes sharpen as she crosses her arms over her chest.

"Was that self-deprecation?" Yellow questions making Spinel straightening up her posture at her tone. Crap. Blue eyes widen as she lowers herself closer to Spinel with concerned in her hues. Blue gently strokes the top of Spinel's head as she spoke tenderly.

"Of course we will notice you are gone, we love you Spinel." Blue says softly making the small gem feel guilty at her poor choice of words. In her defense she didn't mean for it to come out as self deprecation, they just took it that way as usual. Yellow then glances over at White as she "mutters" to her.

"Do you think she is ready to be on her own? Should we send one of our pearls with her?" Yellow asks White, who seems to be considering the thought. Maybe she still needed more supervision.

Spinel felt panic swell in her chest as she gazed up at her diamonds with pleading magenta eyes.

"I'm ready! I promise no more self-deprecating jokes!" She says. Spinel appreciates that her diamonds had spent all their time helping her build up her confidence. It was not by much, a year barely made a dent to the damage of six thousand years caused, but it was a start. She was able to keep her abandonment issues under control since she literally spends every single day with them, but she had some minor setbacks. Spinel thanked the stars that Steven was able to convince them that she is ready to go back to Earth for a mini-vacation and to take a break from diamond duties. There was no way she was going to let this opportunity pass her by. Spinel clasped her hands together and enlarged them as she gave the diamonds her best doe eyes.

"Please." She mutters meekly instantly making White and Blue melt under her glossy eyes.

"Ok, ok, just be safe and you can come home whenever you like!" White concedes childishly, how could she say no to that face! Yellow scoffs as she rolls her eyes agitated at how easily she gave in. This is Pink all over again.

Spinel smiles widely as she nods her head. She quickly waves at her family as a bright light shined from beneath her.

"See you soon my diamonds, bye!" And just like that she had vanished from their sight. In a blink of an eye Spinel was in the middle of Little Homeworld. It was bustling with different types of gems and a few humans here and there. The building also varies in sizes and colors, her eyes shined at the beautifully crafted town. The atmosphere here felt warm and cheery, the sky is bright blue with birds flocking above. It was nothing like the dark cold space at Homeworld. Releasing a heavy breath her shoulders slouches low to the ground, her arms spiral to the floor feeling at ease.

"SPINEL!" Someone cried out making said gem whip around behind her. Her smile softens as she spotted the main Crystal Gems. Steven was waving animatedly as he rushes over to her with Pearl, Garnet, and Amethyst behind him. Spinel nerves began to take over as they grew closer, she still felt a large amount of guilt for what she did to them. Even though they reassured her multiple times that all is forgiven during their visits to Homeworld. Nevertheless, she still felt a shred of doubt, but she pushed that aside as Steven yanks her into a hug giggling happily as always.

"It's so good to finally meet up again! This is going to be a fun summer with you around!" he says enthusiastically. The gems smirked at his upbeat energy, they were all grateful that even though Steven is getting older, he was still the go lucky kid they all love. Spinel hums contently as she pulled away, physical contact still made her anxious. Spinel waves at the rest of the Crystal Gems, each of them giving her their own unique warm welcome. The pink gem clears her throat as she looked around Little Homeworld, her orbs then looked over to the hilltop where her injector used to be planted. It was no longer a toxic cesspool, but a beautiful greenie that added to the scenery of this peaceful town. In addition, if she looked hard enough, the first crater her injector left was in the shape of a upside down heart much like her gem. It seems so long ago now, so much as changed but yet at the same time everything still feels the same. At least to her.

Spinel glances at her friends and their new outfits, then she looks down at herself. Maybe thats why she feels the same. Her appearance did not change much; she still has her spiky pigtails and the three lines running down her cheeks. The only differences are she exchanged her puffy shorts and her large pointy shoes for something more casual and comfortable. She also stretched herself a few inches taller, experimenting with her height. Her eyes sadden, as she looks back at Steven, who is now seventeen years old.

"Can't believe it's been a year since I've been here, this place is beautiful" She muses still remembering when the small town was only 83.7 percent complete. OR in her case 56.2 percent complete since she did destroy most of it trying to help Steven get Garnets memories back. She really did track disaster everywhere she went?

"Yeah remind me to dispose of the pizza cutter." Peridot voice chimes in as she, Lapis, and Bismuth approached the team. The three gems gave the pink gem either a small smile or a shy wave. She returned their greetings with a wave of her own. It will take some time for her to adjust being around them all at once again.

"Hey, guys ready for the show?" Steven asked the three breaking the awkward silence that fell upon them.

"Yeah, let's start heading over so we can get good seats." Bismuth suggested as she began to lead the way. The Crystal Gem's follow close behind as Spinel and Steven walked behind the pack.

Spinel stood close to Steven, still feeling a bit awkward with the rest of the gems.

"Show?" she asks him, Steven nods.

"Yeah, one of the gems created a Broadway theater so gems and humans can sing, dance, act and she is a really good friend of ours. I'm sure you'll like her!" Steven said positively, his smile never faltering. Spinel smiles ever so softly as she held her arms closed to her body.

"Ok sounds like fun." She mutters.

#spinel #spinel x reader #fanfic #su #steven universe #spinel steven universe #love #cute #story

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brideofcthulhu10 · 4 years ago

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I promised you guys I'd whittle something out before the end of the day! (Currently its 11:30 here, so I made my deadline lol) So here's a bit of drama and fluff. Every couple fights, even vampires, but the most important thing is to take responsibility for your actions and communicate. With that in mind, I give you:

Lost Boys Make Their Fem!S/O Cry During a Fight

CONTENT WARNING: Sexual Themes, Possible Triggers, Topics of Physical and Verbal Anger

David

David is not known to mince words in any scenario, so you can bet that means he chooses an s/o who can handle his bluntness. The same could be said for your fights. Unlike Dwayne and Paul, David rarely yells anymore. Instead he's harsh, cold, and what he says often hits very hard. He doesn't tip toe around when he's calm, you can damn well bet he isn't going to be considerate when you tick him off. He can be quite jealous at times, but often it doesn't lead to a fight. Admittedly he can be a tad petty as well, but getting genuinely enraged towards you is not as common. A spat is one thing, but a serious fight can get ugly fast. He is almost jolted when he hears a sharp breath muffled under your hand. Hell he's only ever heard you make that sound during sex, and this was definitely no time to be turned on. He'll turn around and see you with your hand over your mouth trying to hide your shame and feel ungodly levels of guilt.

David's words are harsh, and when you turn out of the room he's still sitting there utterly flabbergasted that you had such a tearful expression. After all, you had to know he didn't mean it..right?

David will definitely sulk, he hates admitting he was wrong. Not necessarily because he thinks he's in the right for being cruel, but rather he's sure you just need space and then things will get better. He'll expect you back any day... So when you don't, he kind of goes into denial and will wait, and wait… and wait...

The guys stopped asking about you because every time he hears your name mentioned he grows more pissed off. Eventually he explodes in a rage, which is extremely rare for David.

"So uh.. about Y/N-"

"Why isn't she back yet?! This is stupid, she should know that I don't mean it!"

"Hey, David, man why don't you go talk to Y/N? I sure if you-"

"No! If she wants to stay away, fucking fine! Good riddance!"

Truthfully he's upset. Beyond that, really. He feels awful for making you cry, he's afraid you might hate him now, but he doesn't know how to approach the situation. Apologizing is difficult, to David it's a form of defeat and a part of him doesn't want to face that it's his fault you're gone.

Eventually he caves in after a week and a half. He misses you like crazy! The guilt gnaw at him to the point that he can't sleep, he can't think straight. Even blood begins to have a bitter taste to it.

It'll be a late night, closer to 3 am when he just silently appears in your room. If you're asleep he'll just stand there and watch you for a moment. Mostly trying to build up enough willpower to do what he's about to.

Expect his apology to be kind of crappy. At least, at first. It'll come off as angry, even a bit misguided just because he really hates admitting he fucked up. But when he does, it's the most sincere, heartbreaking moment of your relationship. He may have to turn away from you and shut his eyes before any tears tempt his cheeks. You can't see him like that. Tears means he's getting emotional, that means he's growing attached, and attachment… it's a weakness. When he's weak and attached, people die.

He lost a love before because he couldn't protect her, he's lost his brothers once because he got careless and underestimated his enemy, he can't lose more.

Once he apologizes and you come back to him, he's a bit more attached to you physically. He'll hold you from behind with his chin on your shoulder while sitting on his bike, have you sit on his lap at the hotel, even on the boardwalk he's become more open by holding your hand. He isn't ready to say the big "L" word just yet, so this is the most he can muster. Whenever he's too harsh now he'll apologize by hugging you to him. David is still scared of getting close, but he's more afraid of pushing you away from his lack of filter.

Dwayne

It takes a lot to ruffle Dwayne's feathers, so already he's not one to be careless with his words. Unfortunately once he's pushed to that point all bets are off. This usually dismissive vampire of little words becomes an eruption of rage. A lot of it is physical. He'll throw a table or punch a hole in a cement wall. He doesn't mean to scare you. When he gets that worked up he becomes unbelievably tense, almost his body's way of warning you not to push him. With fangs out, standing in the wreckage of his rage he'll pause to see you failing to hold back a mess of tears and immediately stops.

At that point he's exhausted. Rage takes a lot out of him, in the end he just feels flustered and a bit ashamed for losing his cool. The longest a fight lasts is maybe a day or two, usually you give each other space but once he's made you cry that's a different story.

Even if you started the fight he recognizes he shouldn't have done what he did. Temper or not, that's not an excuse to blow up at you. He'll be frustrated with himself for losing grasp of his emotions, and he'll probably take some time to think over his words before trying to solve the issue. It's hard to look at someone else's point of view when you're pissed off at them, he knows that better than anyone. Especially since he grew up with siblings before becoming a vampire. When he's got a good grasp on himself he'll probably try to settle things with you so that you two can get things back to normal.

"Y/N… come here, please," he'll say softly, patting the seat next to him on the couch. As soon as you do, he slings his arm around your shoulder and yanks you into his chest. He doesn't look down at you or say a word, he'll rest his chin on his fist looking straight ahead searching for the right words. If it was a mutual argument he'll explain his own point of view after apologizing for losing his temper, and when it's your turn he'll listen quietly. If it was on him, he's even more remorseful. He's reaching almost a hundred years old by now, he should know better. Truthfully he had the same issue when he was alive, but he never meant to drive you to tears. You'll both sit quietly together on the couch, Dwayne rubbing your back until you've calmed down. After all is said and done he'll tell you how much he loves you, he doesn't want to leave any negative feelings still in your heart. Relationships are a pain, he knows that, but he cares about you more than his own life.

Paul

Oh when you two go at it the gloves are off! Paul is the most emotional of the group, so when he gets mad all he sees is red. There will be a massive amount of yelling, he may even be fighting back some tears himself. He'll get physically frustrated, punching walls, throwing furniture, kicking things over. Yes, he might get in your face, and you can definitely expect him to bare his teeth at you. Especially if you're in his face too. By now it's not scary, just even more infuriating that he's trying to make to back out using intimidation.

When you cry it can go one of two ways. It really depends on the context of the fight.

If you started it, or it was a mutual argument he may storm off somewhere in the cave. To him crying can be a cheap tactic to make him feel guilty, so if you've done it when you've done something wrong it upsets him… even more so because he feels like crap! He hates fighting with you! You're his kitten, his babe, regardless whether or not you started the fight he feels terrible seeing you like that. He's just so damn frustrated! After mellowing out with a thick ol' stick of the devil's lettuce he'll sulk out with his hands in his pockets. If you're still there he'll plop next to you and explain why he was so ticked off. Granted, it isn't exactly eloquent the way he puts it. After all emotions are tricky, he doesn't always know how to express himself verbally. If you've already left and it's still night, he'll fly over to your place and try to settle things with you. He doesn't want to go to bed angry at you, and he definitely doesn't want you going to bed upset with him.

If the fight was started by him, or if you're genuinely upset he'll stop. Especially if your tears are from him hurting you. Then it's all love. He sets aside his temper, and pulls you into his arms. It'll take a moment for him to calm down, but it's just a plethora of tender apologies while he holds you.

"I'm sorry kitty-cat," he coaxes you, holding your head to his chest. "Don't cry, okay? I hate it when you cry."

If you aren't emotionally drained there'll probably be a lot of make-up sex in either situation. Once you two have made up, he wants to do everything he can to be close to you. Plus, he needs a release as well. Afterwards, he'll snuggle up to you still wearily mumbling apologies under his breath.

Marko

Anger isn't a common emotion for Marko. Well, unchecked rage that is. He can get a little irritated, but it really takes a lot for him to lose his temper. Even still it's closer to David's methods than Paul. Again it's the context. If you've done something wrong or started the fight he'll be more prone to outbursts.

While you're screaming at him, in his face he'll just watch you silently with a blank stare. On the surface he's calm. There's not a lot of yelling, but there can be some physical rage if you really push him. Marko would punch the wall and leave a crumbling chasm in his path, reminding you what happens when he's pushed too far. Truthfully he'd never put you in harm's way, but when he gets like this it's hard for him to stifle his predatorial rage that tends to poke through the cracks.

If he's the one who's upset with you, even if it's on him, he probably won't let on at first. While not petty, he'll seem distant from you. In public he'll yank you to him like a wolf warning others to stay away from his mate, but alone in private won't touch you as much. You may try to ace your hand on his shoulder and he'd immediately excuse himself from the room to sulk. If you really get clingy he grows even more agitated and will have very rough angry sex with you, his fangs may even come out in the process. Especially if he's jealous.

When you cry, it sucks. During a fight, after jealous defiling, when he intimidates you, it just sucks. If you step away from him he knows he's messed up.

Part of him doesn't want to cave in so easily to your displays of emotion, but if you're legitimately hurt by his actions he'll just let out an exasperated sigh. He may excuse himself verbally for a moment to try and gather his thoughts, or he'll sit you down and try to explain his reasons for being so enraged. If it's on him he'll carry you to the couch and hold you to him.

"*sigh* Look.. I'm sorry for going overboard the way I did, baby girl. I shouldn't have done that…"

If you cry after sex he'll feel like an utter asshole and hold you tight to him. He'll pet your hair, rub your back, even offer to let you smack him for being such a jerk. He may try to nibble your neck over kiss you until you start to giggle then give you his signature smile.

"There she is. I'm sorry I made you so sad, baby girl."

In all honesty this isn't a common occurrence. Marko still rarely ever gets mad at you, most of the time he's very laid back. So losing his temper is a bit jarring for him as well. He's never sure what will come out when he loses his temper, which is a huge reason why he does everything he can to keep himself in check. You may be a pain in the butt sometimes, but so can he. And above all, you're his pain in the butt. He still loves you more than anything at the end of the day.

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qqueenofhades · 4 years ago

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Hi!! 💕I was reading across your medieval queer history tag, and I came to the part of Muslims and homosexuality where you mention the active / passive narrative that this activity had.

I had two questions and I don't know if you can help me with them. I was wondering if there was something similar to that position in Nicky's time (?) at the European part of the world. And based on that, would it be a problem for the sexual activities that Nicky and Joe might have had? (sorry for this insane curiosity) I don't know if I'm being clear, haha. I mean, would it be a problem being active/passive for Nicky and Joe? ( based on common Islamic and/or European thought of the 11th century)

Thank you!!

Hmm. I feel like this is a better subject for fanfic (i.e. how Nicky and Joe viewed their relationship in the early days) because it touches on something historians can’t answer: how historical individuals privately viewed their own internal/emotional decisions and preferences. Obviously, Nicky and Joe themselves are fictional, so the only inner feelings they themselves had about how their relationship first developed, whether in its sexual components or otherwise, are the ones that are created for them by a team of modern writers and showrunners. As a historian, I can offer some perspective on the institutional, legal, and societal mores and customs that influenced how queer behavior was collectively viewed, tolerated, or restricted, but I can’t say how any given individual would have then interpreted that to themselves. Obviously, some gay people have been raised in such deeply self-hating environments that their internalized homophobia is very embedded and they struggle for years to get over it. Some others have been raised in the same environment but have never actually accepted any of it and have less difficulty in leaving it behind. Once again, this goes into the realm of speculation rather than strictly provable history, and which goes double for fictional characters.

Queer people have always existed in a complicated and sometimes contradictory relationship with the mainstream (that is, often heteronormative) dominant society. Sometimes they accept all of it in an attempt to “pass” or because they have been taught to be homophobic, sometimes they choose to selectively adopt parts of it but try to live a secret “second life,” sometimes they reject all of it. These choices are conditioned by personal safety/family background, political, cultural, religious, and social environments, formal and informal education, kinship and friendship networks, positive/negative reinforcement, individual character, and so on. There is not necessarily a “wrong” choice for a queer person to make, because each course of action comes with its own risks and rewards, but if you’re choosing to embrace your queer identity and to live out its truth (as Joe and Nicky seem to have done relatively soon after they met), then that will involve an element of rejecting whatever constraints heteronormative society has placed on you. After all, the formal legal conventions about sodomy in the Middle Ages weren’t developed in consultation with actual queer people. They reflected the concerns of conservative establishment clergymen, who weren’t interested in promoting social acceptance of it (and yet again, this doesn’t touch on THEIR actual feelings or whatever they might have done in private). I’ve discussed the complexity of disentangling historical homoromanticism (which was pretty widely celebrated in the medieval era) and historical homosexuality (which had a rockier time, but as I wrote about in this ask, the attempted policing of sexuality and sexual behavior was as much the case for m/f relationships as m/m or f/f ones -- nobody got away from this and it wasn’t just for the gays.)

Basically, I personally don’t think that either Joe or Nicky would have had a problem with sex or certain sexual positions, just because if both of them had reached the point of deciding that a Catholic/Muslim was their true love and they were going to run off together and be a couple no matter what anyone said about it, that already entailed rejecting a huge amount of the ideology they were originally taught and grew up with. It’s again a subject for fanfic how much Joe and Nicky were personally comfortable with being queer before they met each other, so this would more likely be a rejection of religious teaching about the unworthiness/evilness of the rival faith (as Nicky says, the love of his life was from the people he had been taught to hate). Since almost all medieval queer behavior and views on queer people had a religious component, if Joe/Nicky had gotten as far as rejecting the religious tenet that told them the other was Evil, they were (again, in my opinion) extremely unlikely to use any of those old religious arguments for prohibiting or proscribing certain kinds of sexual activity. I’m sure they had to negotiate many issues in the early days of their relationship (as I write about in DVLA), but they’re clearly head over heels in love with each other, wildly attracted to each other and have been for almost a millennium, and eager to embrace the physicality of that relationship, so I don’t personally see this as being a major stumbling block.

That said, you did ask about European views on sodomy in the 11th century and whether there was a parallel to Islamic views on the moral acceptability of the active vis-a-vis the passive partner. Since antiquity, there has always been less “shame” attached to the penetrative/top partner in sex, no matter whether the receiving partner is male or female. Ancient Greece is another example of this, where the adult man could not be penetrated without insult to his manhood and dignity, but the fact of him penetrating a younger man/teenage boy was a fine and even accepted rite of passage. We can obviously talk about how this is related to phallocentrism and misogyny, because the person “receiving” sex is usually expected to be a woman or a woman-equivalent person, which entails lower social status. The dominant male can take whichever sexual partner he pleases, and it’s a mark of honor and status for him to be virile (the very, very ancient chestnut about why playboys are tolerated and admired while sexually active women are “sluts.”) The gender of his partners might not matter as much as their social class, their status in relation to his, his “right” to expect sexual availability from them, and a whole lot of other factors. This could be and also was the case in medieval Europe. But may we point out that the men engaging in these kind of explicitly unequal relationships, which are more about reinforcing power and control than real desire, are very, very unlike the equal and loving mutual partnership between Joe and Nicky, where they were clearly happy to please and respect the other in whatever way.

It has not always been the case that same-sex activity would automatically be defined and suspect, though yes, there has never been an instance in Western history where it was placed uncomplicatedly on the same level as opposite-sex activity. It had to be constructed that way. As I keep saying, modern homophobia is a lot more stringent and explicit than any medieval expressions thereof, because if “homosexuality” was not constructed as a clearly recognized identity, there was less ability to rail against it. In fact, the usual rhetorical tactic was to just ignore it. Sodomy is known as the “silent sin” or “peccatum mutum” in Latin, because moralists usually didn’t talk about it or discuss it or give it an actual framework for debate and thus implied legitimacy. There were obvious exceptions (Peter Damian, Peter the Chanter, Bernardino of Siena, Heinrich Kramer, etc, etc) and as the medieval era went on, homosexuality became more grouped in with other undesirables. But that also reflected a growing visibility/awareness among people as to what it was. As I keep saying, you can’t be anxious about something, you can’t be worried about people being susceptible to it, you can’t be worried that it’s happening in reality, if it’s just an abstract concern of rhetoric that only a handful of churchmen know about. The increasing visibility of queerness as a category of exclusion in late medieval polemics reflected a) the social stress of the crises of the late medieval world and the usual function of Others as a scapegoat and b) the fact that by then, people must have had enough awareness of it as a pattern of consistent behavior for clerics to get mileage out of attacking it.

Anyway. In an attempt to summarize: historians can’t possibly know how historical queer people felt about themselves, if they were influenced by societal or internalized homophobia (itself quite different from modern homophobia), how much of the dominant social narrative they accepted, the reasons for the choices that they made, if they saw their queer preferences as a sin or as a valid lifestyle, and so on. But it seems unlikely that historical queer people specifically in loving long-term relationships, such as Joe and Nicky, would be unduly tied to much of that, and that has always been the case.

#history #medieval history #queer history #history of sexuality #the old guard meta #anonymous #ask

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