#i hate that i’m like this lmao like they live here too i’m just demented

[1roentgen]

.

[sickficenthusiast]

Bloody Aspirations (an angstfic).

I used an angsty prompt from here on tumblr and I wrote this all in like a few hours and I can barely hold my eyes open anymore so I hope y’all enjoy whatever this is lmao. TW for descriptions of death (don’t worry it’s not permanent or anything).

Her hand is the only thing her senses become aware of as they fuzzily come back into focus, and then it's the lances of pain flaring out from and around the multiple bullet wounds bubbling a bloom of crushed poppies down past her ribs, collecting in an already spacious pool beneath her. Before she could regain herself too deeply, Pearl clenched her hand within Helen's, as if afraid if she didn't she would get away from her somehow, but that wasn't to be realised.

  The sky cast a perpetual veil of rain down toward the quiet earth, creating the only tangible sound Pearl was capable of hearing, as if the world had fallen asleep to its ethereal calmitive song, as she presumably had as well. All from the back of her throat to the base of her lips felt warm, frothing, metallic sludge rising up from her collapsing lungs and running down her chin and deeply bruised cheek to the grass under her head. Her insides felt as if they had been trimmed in velvet, also as if they had come to an absolute standstill. She couldn't get a full breath in without stabbing pain driving itself through her chest, and a broken, gurgling whine of delirious anxiety frothed about in the base of her throat, the ensuing tears indistinguishable from the pouring rain above them both.

  "He..." her voice viscerally sputtered around the blood filling her failing airways, warbling adrenaline causing a louder whimper of anguish-riddled agony to rip free of her, blowing from her mouth in a way which couldn't be reversed. She shallowly coughed out productive rasps which brought further outpourings of frothing blood to dribble free of her mouth, the thundering world before her pulsing in and out of her already blurring focus, cracks running through it showing her that her glasses had been broken. Something even thicker worked its way up her throat, streaming from it without pause in trails down both cheeks. She gasped in panicky bursts of bloody air, even this panic felt beneath a layer of indistinction, softened somehow by this sense of peace she had never felt mimicked in all her years. But it was a terrible peace, one that just proved to stress her further. She was dying. She was dying and she wasn't ready. Fuck, she wasn't ready, she couldn't go yet, not here, not lying beneath this frigid sheet of showering rain, not where no one knew where they were. Their friends knew nothing of what had happened, how would they be notified of this, what about their goddaughter, how would any of them fare? And removed from them, she didn't know how to die. She had no idea and yet her body somehow knew, this was pre-programmed in her after all. Pearl knew she could feel her soulmate's hand clutched in her own, but she'd made not a sound since she had regained herself, was she really even there at all? Her dying mind could just be giving her some form of comfort to see herself out within, what if she really was alone, dying all alone on the side of the road, unable to see Helen one last time, to tell her how much she was loved and how much she was sorry for leaving her? She couldn't do this alone, God she couldn't do it at all!

  "Pearl..."

That simple word had Pearl dissolving into further exhausted hysterics, the choked off voice of her love right beside her. She wasn't alone, Helen was here with her. Oh God, had that meant that she was dying too? Now if she thought intently, she vaguely remembered the slurs being thrown at the both of them, before her body became emblazoned in bullets. The shots had continued even after they weren't meeting her any longer, and could hear Helen's awful screams after she herself had hit the ground, a similar thudding sounding beside her not long afterwards. They had both been shot, she remembered now, the way their hands had been holding each other too telling of their sinful fucking god-hating love for those homophobic bastards to handle. They were both going to die for their love, and she supposed if there was to be a way to go, why not make it for something you stand for. Perhaps this was just to hold your lover's hand while walking, but even this inconsequential sentiment was too much for those fuckers to handle, and certainly was bigger than it initially appeared.  

Pearl gently smacked her damp lips as her streaming eyes drooped, dizzy radio-fuzz billowing throughout her head. Every time she went to speak her mouth opened uselessly, a gurgling noise of intent leaving it in place of words. It took a great many tries before she could clear the mass of blood in her throat enough to rasp out a simple,

"Helen?" She fought to regain her failing breath as her hand was suddenly clenched even harder, although this wasn't a great increase, Helen coughing an eerily similar cough before responding in a expired voice much like her own,

"Don't be scared, love."

Her voice reeked of softened grief, and Pearl recognised the tone all too well. This was the voice Helen used to comfort a dying patient, to ease them onto the other side as best she could. Now it was being used on her. Fuck, this couldn't be happening, God or whoever was up there please save them both. But a heavenly idea of salvation is to be forever within its company, so to ask of Them to save them, that would more than likely come in the form of bringing them both to the other side. But this wasn't right, they were still so relatively young, their entire lives laid before them, together through every single moment. But it would appear that they had prematurely reached the end of their time, and to look at the possibility of anything After, truth would be kept upon their word: they truly would be together forever, neither having to be without the other for a moment.

"'m scared, Helen, wha's happ'nin'?" Pearl heard Helen give a hybrid between a chuckle and a sob, before answering her with tears clearly lurking beneath the folds,

"Leaving."

"'m no' read'y."

"Don't think anyone ever is."

With every moment passing and every word Helen said, the panic was loosening in Pearl's chest, giving way somewhat for the peace to envelope her more completely, encase her within a warming gel-like substance as the world lost its solidity little by little. All that seemed to exist in this space with her was her wife, her hand and her voice, and that suited her just fine. Speaking becoming harder with every passing second, she mumbled wetly,

"Are we dying?" Helen gave a slight sob in response, before responding restrainedly,

"Baby girl, I love you."

  Pearl rolled her head somewhat to the side to vaguely see Helen sprawled on her side beside her, blood soaking through the entirety of the shirt covering her torso, the same crimson froth gathering at her mouth as Pearl saw how intensely, yet silently, she had been crying. There was a horrific distance behind her reddened eyes, seemingly trying everything within her power to stay awake. Despite how this broke Pearl's heart, she could do nothing to show this.

"I can't go first, just see her out. She doesn't deserve to die alone."

That had been Helen to speak, but her mouth didn't physically open, and Pearl moaned a tiny sound of confusion at this organic buffering, slurring out the last words she was to ever utter,

"I...love...you Helen, it's...been an honour, I...'m leaving..." She would try to talk over and over after this, but the process had begun. She was dying, and speech came first. A tremulous inhale sounded beside her, a gasping sob permeating it, before Helen choked out,

"'been the best honour, babe, biggest I can imagine. You're such a good girl, I'm right here baby and I'm not leaving, you...you go right ahead, Pearl, I'll, I'll g-g-guide you away."

Pearl's eyes fell closed at her words, her mouth gently hanging open as the peace choked her soul, the world losing all permanance save for her hand. She was floating now, suspended in a warm space, quiet except for the broken beauty of her wife's voice. Even the festering, blazing pain of her wounds faded to nothing, as if vanished entirely. As Helen spoke to her, her mind reeled with memories rich with the essence of them, and their friends. Their found family. Every instance of their happiness played out before her eyes anew, seemingly playing on mute as Helen was the only sound existing in her world,

"you're doing beautifully my love, I'm not going anywhere, you can let go for me, I'll meet you there. Wilson is waiting for us both, and, and Perry, our parents, everyone's waiting. You can let go, I've got you. Let go, love. Pearl, let go."

Pearl was then suddenly yanked from her body in one fatal swoop, floating above the scene with that same peace still accompanying her, still working within the process, but Helen's tone had changed. Now she was violently sobbing, audibly panicking as grief and impending death swept over side-by-side.

  "Oh God, whyyyyy! Pearl no, I can't do this alone I can't, please come back I can't do this oh God please bring her back I need her please I-" the only reason she found any pause in her tirade was the choking of blood that flooded hard against her windpipe, spluttering a bubbly spattering of blood up over her chin, trailing down it to her weakly heaving chest. Pearl couldn't move now at all, and as soon as she was able, Helen continued,

"Please I'm scared, please, Pearl, bringg, bring, ba'..." Her words weakened with every syllable. She aspirated blood for the final time, going completely limp.

It was after witnessing that heartbreaking scene that she could do nothing to assist in, Pearl awoke, finding herself rocketing upwards into a sitting position, a screaming sob se had been too far gone to expell leaving her mouth as Helen's dying words replayed over and over in her ears. She thrashed wildly in an almost demented manner, continuing to scream out her lungs until the adrenaline set nausea into motion, an she gulped back the sickly urges and lowered her face down into her hands, breaking into tears as Helen screamed and hit the ground beside her.

  "Pearl? Oh God, sweetheart, you're alright, you're okay I promise." That was Helen. She was okay. Pearl felt her strong, yet gentle arms wrap around her rocking form, and immediately turned her face into her chest and clung to her, feeling her and smelling her and hearing her. They were both okay, neither of them had been shot, and they weren't dying. She felt so incredibly ill, she stifled the urge to hiccup and tried to get as close to her wife as humanly possible, as the alternative was too frightful to comprehend in her mind.

  "Helen, oh fucking God you're okay!" she exclaimed through her violent tears, "it was awful, just awful babe, we were both shot and, and we died but you let me die first so I wouldn't be alone but, but, but, but, but, but you were alone and I heard everything and you were panicking and, and I couldn't help, and, oh fuck you can't ever die Helen I can't handle it! I watched it just now, I can't ever again I love you, I love you I love you I love you, baby I love you!"

"Easy lovie, easy," Helen cut in with her emotions clearly audible, "shhhh sh sh sh. You're right, I'm okay. Nothing is happening right now, we're in bed all safe and all sound, I promise you. I promise you with all I am that we're safe." As Helen spoke she cupped the back of Pearl's head and calmingly rubbed her other hand up and down the curve of her back, and little by little, just like in the dream, Pearl's panic lessened, until all it was was her exhausted crying, as she rested against Helen's chest and leaned into her every touch. Things really were okay, she wasn't lying. No one would hurt them. Helen was telling the truth. Pearl kissed her neck with the touch of barely a stolen breath, as she listened to Helen's continued words,

"Baby may I?" Her hand was suddenly felt against her forehead, leaning into this movement as Helen remarked sympathetically,

"oh, my poor love! You're melting, that feels like one nasty fever you have! Probably caused your nightmare and everything."

Now that she mentioned it, Pearl was feeling as if that was the case, a heavy pounding present in her head and an unsteady trembling within her aching bones. She had no idea where she would have picked this up from, but it was regardless undeniable, and she would take this reality over the alternative she had experienced that night a million times over. She barely felt the kiss breathed against her forehead, before she became aware of Helen pulling the blankets back up over her, easing her down against the mattress.

"That yucky dream is over, baby girl, now just let me take care of you, I'll try and make you feel better. I'll be right back, I'm just gonna grab some stuff that should help, you'll be okay for a minute?" Pearl nodded as her eyelids drooped, feeling herself dropping off quite quick now that the initial panic had dissipated, and as Helen got up to retrieve what she needed, she smiled, grateful to be on this side of things now. They really were okay, and as soon as she shaken whatever had caused this whole mess, she would do well to ensure Helen knew just how much she appreciated her, and how much she was grateful that, even in dreams, Helen would insist she go before herself, even in dreams ensuring Pearl was okay over everything else. If she could be a quarter of that kind of woman, Pearl would be happy.

[bluntnelliejsthoughts95]

journaling my life

Honestly Just started this to get things off my chest. I don’t know anything about blogs just that if anyone listens fine if not then I’m just some weirdo on the internet spouting off my own personal problems. when it rains it pours. maybe I'm whiny or maybe ranting I really don't care haha you know cause what's the point sometimes we fight so hard in our relationships whether it be family, friends etc.. life has its ways of making sure you stay in your place doesn’t it? what do you do when life keeps knocking you down? do you get back up? do you mope and cry ? we all have out ways who knows what is right? sometimes I wonder about giving up the peace of letting go is that demented sure but oh well of course i logically say oh well i have 3 babies that need me and i wouldn't dare put my children through that pain. sometimes its so hard to push through am i enough am i a good enough mom am i providing enough am i too harsh do i discipline enough so my children don't turn into assholes i don't know some many unanswered questions. Why do i constantly feel so alone? is it being a stay at home parent but its so isolating and if my spouse and i fight forget a fight he works so when is there time to get a bottom of a problem well life makes sure money is priority you know cause you cant live without it house, cars, bills, food ,clothes so god knows we put our shit on hold stuff it down till it blows up in our face later. Honestly I’m at a point I am rambling I don't even care I just know I have had it right now. I fight for my relationship for it to fall on deaf ears yay! talking to anyone even if its not seen sounds better than talking to a meat suit that refuses to help out or push it to the back of priorities am i writer lol far from it just once i want to feel like i matter will talking to random strangers help lol probably not but this makes me feel better a little. maybe one day i can love myself but i hate everything about myself except for the little lives i love so much honestly they are the only reason i push through anymore nothing exciting happens cause finances are rough. relationship is falling apart and anymore i just throw in the towel where do i start to fix this mess of broken glass shattered around tiny shards all around. Anymore my only Friend is with God himself. you can think me silly but when you pretty much talk to yourself its nice to hope that someone even an entity like Jesus is listening kinda hope he does but oh well. Am I fulfilling a purpose why do i not keep going for my art career anymore it seems I'm so meh with art i love creating but no one really supports me i can tell not a soul is impressed so what do i continue i really am so lost . i have lost myself i am just mom and the lady that keeps the house clean. friends? lmao what the fuck are those! No one fucking sticks so here i am on the internet pouring out my heart cause well who else is going to listen just seems I'm a burden to everyone else but my children again I'm not even sure what friends are anymore no one told me that the only reason id want to live is to see my children grow and hope that i did a good job or am i creating underlining issues and i don't know because they are to young to express those things. my gods I hope I'm doing a good job cause i certainly am a mess even though my mom is amazing here i am insecure stressed and feelings of isolation that are never gone even surrounded by people. If you read my mini book thank you at least someone was interested in my tiny minuscule life. I hope you guys are doing better.` 

[in-door-kites]

I’LL BE THERE FOR YOU              

                                                     (to specify: I’ll be physically and spiritually here, but I have a quarter life crisis of my own to navigate, so I’m not sure how helpful I’ll be at legitimately fixing your problem)

SO FULL DISCLOSURE i had written up this ad and am literally just pasting it here, formatting at all, because I am a disgusting, disgusting garbage person with no integrity. Anywho.

Imagine FRIENDS made up of only Rachels, Joeys, and Phoebes during the first few seasons when their careers were way off base, but they’re only dancing in the fountain because they’re drunk in public and motivated to hysterics by millennial pessimism. That is the friend group I want. I want people who have fallen into the trap of dreaming too big for this job market, and whose five year plans are basically “lmao ???”. They’re salaried, they’re working, they might even have big boy/girl apartments, and maybe they’ve swapped their $25 Ikea LACK coffee tables out for something more adult. But that doesn’t change the fact that they’re messes in their marrow, so grateful for the first entry level position tossed their way that they never looked back. And now… it’s a little late to be looking back, now.

The only thing stopping their anguished shrieks during the hours of 9 to 5 is the constant stream of memes in the group chat, and their formidable Tuesday night bar trivia team. Not to mention the warmth they all feel from what goes unspoken: “yeah, I hear you, I feel it too, you’re not being selfish.” Because at the end of the day, they’re a support system for one another, even if they’re more likely to shoot out a few good-natured character assaults than say they care. But then, they do say they care, by signing up as a +1 to your college roommate’s wedding that you can’t bear to attend solo, by showing up at your place unannounced with some Thai food take out, and by decoding your tinder date’s texts to see if he’s a clown. They’re messy alright, and cynical, and maybe a little codependent, but they're yours. At least, they could be.

So maybe there’s like 5-6 of them? Bc who can keep track of more friends than that. We’ve already got 2-3 penciled in, so hmu if you want in on this disasterpiece. Should all be in their mid-to-late 20s and have their shit no more than 30% together. Don’t necessarily have to hate their jobs, but was hoping to play out the demented reality that despite what we’re told as children most people don’t get to live their dream. Idk idk idk Jack is just a shitbird who is bad at people so I’m just trying to make sure he gets some friends.

[sodasnapz-main]

Can you tell me about jay please? Trivia and stuff like that too? :D

Sure!! :D I’ll admit this is gonna be choppy but I’m happy to talk about my Boy!

gonna put a “Keep reading thing cause this is gonna be LONG.

Jay is a young man from Utopia (this is Australia in my story), He’s Thomas’ old friend. Both USED TO BE Pure Humans and were exactly the opposite of the rest of utopia. A lot of his Backstory involves Tom, The two of them were practically brothers they knew each other so well. when they were 16 though Tom started looking into Genetic modification, Basically he started looking into how to create a Tainted human. 

Now this is Utopia, The Pure human capital. most the population is Pure breed humans, No tainted or Grimbloods. and if they are around well they are treated like garbage and majority are homeless. Racism runs rampant there. Which in turn means modifying a human is against the law

So you have Tom here who is wanting to learn how to, And Jay being his friend sticks by him through thick and thin. until eventually they are found out, they try and run from Harrison’s forces but are unable. In the last stand, Jay gives himself up to allow Tom to escape to the stretch using a port station. 

In the hands of Harrison, Jay was tortured viciously for answers on where Tom had gone. He refused to answer any questions, enduring the torture. Pushed to the brink of death many times, his body now left altered. The demented Dr.Cooper harshly mutated his genes, taking away the only thing that made him a part of Utopian society; His Purity. Jayce eventually was deemed useless to the search, as he would not talk. With his life in shambles he was thrown out into the streets. Where he would live a life of persecution. 

Now he’s known for slaughtering Harrison’s troops on a daily basis, With a power they had no idea could work when they made him a grimblood. He’s incredibly lonely, and Misses his friend a whole lot. 

OKAY THAT’S THAT, you wanted trivia well HERE WE GO

Jay’s missing a front tooth! the reason why is a lot of people used to Bully Tom and Jay would actually beat the shit out of the bullies that did! one day though he got hit really hard in the mouth and lost his tooth. He thinks it’s a symbol of his loyalty to Tom

He swears more than any other person you’ll probably ever meet lmao

He really likes being a grimblood, his favorite part is the tail. It’s really strong so he can sit on it like a kangaroo.

His neck, Arms and Legs are shifted like a creature of some kind, Hands feature extremely sharp claw like fingers, his legs and feet are designed to make him really fast, and the neck vents out energy on occasion! (Example)

The Genes he was given of whatever the alien species was have a minor aspect of healing, which of course means he really struggles to stay hurt. cause usually wounds just close up.

Jay’s family hates him, the Hanson family are not good people. they are a typical utopian family that listens to Harrisons orders all the time, they are Racist slobs who barely have enough money to make it in the world. Jayce hates them, and when everything was still normal to an extent would spend most his time at Tom’s house despite his families hatred of Tom.

THAT’S ABOUT ALL I CAN GIVE WITHOUT SPOILERS, HOPE YOU ENJOYED MY SPEEL 

[in-door-kites]

I’LL BE THERE FOR YOU               

                                                      (to specify: I’ll be physically and spiritually here, but I have a quarter life crisis of my own to navigate, so I’m not sure how helpful I’ll be at legitimately fixing your problem)

Imagine FRIENDS made up of only Rachels, Joeys, and Phoebes during the first few seasons when their careers were way off base, but they’re only dancing in the fountain because they’re drunk in public and motivated to hysterics by millennial pessimism. That is the friend group I want. I want people who have fallen into the trap of dreaming too big for this job market, and whose five year plans are basically “lmao ???”. They’re salaried, they’re working, they might even have big boy/girl apartments, and maybe they’ve swapped their $25 Ikea LACK coffee tables out for something more adult. But that doesn’t change the fact that they’re messes in their marrow, so grateful for the first entry level position tossed their way that they never looked back. And now… it’s a little late to be looking back, now. 

The only thing stopping their anguished shrieks during the hours of 9 to 5 is the constant stream of memes in the group chat, and their formidable Tuesday night bar trivia team. Not to mention the warmth they all feel from what goes unspoken: “yeah, I hear you, I feel it too, you’re not being selfish.” Because at the end of the day, they’re a support system for one another, even if they’re more likely to shoot out a few good-natured character assaults than say they care. But then, they do say they care, by signing up as a +1 to your college roommate’s wedding that you can’t bear to attend solo, by showing up at your place unannounced with some Thai food take out, and by decoding your tinder date’s texts to see if he’s a clown. They’re messy alright, and cynical, and maybe a little codependent, but they're yours. At least, they could be.

I was hoping for like 4-5, probs? Bc who can keep track of more friends than that. Should all be in their mid 20s and have their shit no more than 30% together. Don’t necessarily have to hate their jobs, but was hoping to play out the demented reality that despite what we’re told as children most people don’t get to live their dream. Idk idk idk Jack is just a shitbird who is bad at people so I’m just trying to make sure he gets some friends.