#i hate so much that im making serious posts about psych in the year of our lord 2024

[philtstone]

wait actually i have more to say about this. most (obligatory disclaimer, see above, etc) of the inconsistencies in shawns character/talents can be explained through 1) commitment to the bit 2) hes a lying liar who lies 3) he has adhd and 4) he never went to college AND his mom left when he was halfway through high school

shawn knows spanish when it is relevant to the bit. shawn doesnt know spanish when it is relevant to the bit. shawn lived in argentina (fact; henry confirms it) but we have no idea for how long (shawn could have lied about that) and have no reason to believe that shawn not knowing colloquial spanish while in mexico or while playing chad isnt him Just Pretending. remember that this is a man who once looked someone dead in the eye and said "im not really a necklace guy" while wearing a clearly visible necklace

shawn having a box of math trophies from elementary school & being able to do rapid backwards math in the pilot/for his stupid psychic demonstrations but not knowing how to do basic calculus in a different episode makes perfect sense. mental math is a totally separate skill from calculus and if you've been trained in in/deductive reasoning since age 5 and are inherently good at rote memorization it is effortless. you dont learn calculus until at least sophomore year of high school. for a lot of gifted kids, high school is usually when school gets hard and they are at highest risk of checking tf out mentally or giving up. you actually have to study now! and while some kids get over that hump and figure it out by grade 11 or 12, shawns mom had already left at that point, cueing all the deliberate acting out to get back at his dad. and he never went to college! there are a lot of other skills we take for granted that dont really come up/you arent exposed to until you start college! idk i just think this is a fun character point about shawn everyone often forgets

shawn being excellent at high level pattern recognition and narrative-weaving but being terrible at puzzles? adhd. shawn having a perfect memory but forgetting to do the dishes when jules asks? adhd. shawn having a bizarrely sophisticated vocabulary but misremembering the actual meanings of lots of basic words? not strictly adhd, but "ive decided i need to read this random hard-level book Right Now, and now i know all of these big new words in context but never had the patience or commitment to look up the meanings" is just .... such a classic move lol

this may just be because ive always been the kind of writer/audience who values narrative closure and sticking the overall landing more than i do keeping all the little details straight, but i just feel like from a writing perspective its actually kind of clever to commit to a character like this, bc you sort of cover your own ass really well as a result. your pov character is inherently an oxymoronic contradiction in most of the things he does -- and he earns it -- and so when you actually do sincerely mess up continuity ... you kind of have enough of an alibi that it doesnt matter, lol

not to say that psych doesnt have continuity errors bc it absolutely does (as is the natural case with any weekly cable show that ran for eight years) but id argue that it gets away with a lot more than its peers bc of the fact that its main character is a professional liar. 70% of the stuff that comes out of shawns mouth is either an objective falsehood or total nonsense made up for the bit. when he wants you to think hes smart hes smart and when he wants you to think hes stupid hes stupid and when it is even slightly funnier to lie than to tell the truth, he will absolutely pick door number one, every time

[rarepairnation]

20 questions for writers!

tagged by @emyn-arnens literally over a month ago and im finally getting to it now lol much love thank you for continuing to tag me in things even though im the worst at doing them sometimes.

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 65 (15 of them are under my archive pseud though lol)

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? 265,381

3. What fandoms do you write for? actively writing for lotr, pacific rim, my secret little marvel rarepair

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? these are so funny they're all my avatar work from before i remade on this blog. well throwback i guess. they're still dear to me.

open arms, atla sokka coming out to his dad

earth system history, atla sokka/zuko college au where zuko is an earth scientist

[redacted h*rry p*tter work from 2016]

love's not for show, atla bato/hakoda sokka creates a master plan to get his dad and bato to admit that theyre dating but they're NOT

knife loves heart, human loves human, james bond 007/q post-spectre fixit fic (my Only 00q and possibly also my only fixit fic?)

5. Do you respond to comments? i try so so so hard but the executive function that allows me to say anything coherent only comes around every so often lol

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? a couple contenders for this one but if we're talking strictly the ending probably i'm not leaving (til we make it home) (exu calamity patia & laerryn / patia & the ring of brass exploring her relationship with love and loneliness and finally being free to express how much she loves her friends only in the last hours of her life and dying happy for it).

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? also a couple contenders for this one but i feel like many of them are tinged with not a small amount of melancholy. so we are going with a big throwback to sun through open windows (atlok mako/wu plotless little morning routines fic that is about nothing in particular but also about realizing you have everything your younger self thought you would never have).

8. Do you get hate on fics? not in a long long time (like probably 7-8 years) thank god!

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? yes although none of it is published (yet). what kind? idk man whatever im horny about this month. ok but for serious. really been into character developing smut. do u know what i mean. i’m telling you something about who each of these people are and how they view each other through the way they fuck. this probably says quite a lot about me

10. Do you write crossovers? i'm not much for the kind where characters from different franchises Interact, but i am partial to taking some guys and translating them to a different setting. ah to put characters in a situation and watch as the fundamental core of their being stays the same....

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? hope not lol

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? not that i'm aware of!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? yes! we have not finished it but it's absolutely CORE thesis-level influential on my entire psyche. even if we never get back to it i'll think about it until the day i die and that is not an exaggeration.

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship? of ALL TIME? i straight up dont know if i can answer this one. ALL TIME???? my long-term emotional permanence is NOT good enough and my recency bias is too strong for this. ok i think the only way i can answer this is with the ship that has gotten the deepest into my psyche and my soul. which is yancytendo pacific rim. they. affect me. on a level i will probably never be able to fully explain. the 'giving a guy built only to be a thematic device a personality and a history and deep gut-wrenching grief' of it all. the 'you are in love with a guy who is doomed by the narrative and despite your best efforts it means that he is a personification of all the grief you carry inside of you' of it all. yancy becket you will live forever in my heart tendo choi you will ALWAYS be famous. augh. yeah i picked right

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

hmm probably something about the way you look tonight, my mallorytanner thesis statement fic, the genesis of which was genuinely a life-altering event to me. i was listening to the titular elton john song walking home from a general chemistry exam in the snow and i was struck so violently with An Image for truly the first time in my life. truly not ONCE before that moment had that happened to me. this was in my freshman year of college this fic has existed in various forms for going on FIVE YEARS. will it ever be done. GOD i fucking hope so. i actually do hold out hope for that one.

the one i am actually hopeless on ever finishing is orogenesis, the sprawling expanded stemverse pianjeong backstory au fic. the whole structure of it is quite clear in my head actually. i just didn't have the life experience to create the plot structure to go with the emotional beats when it generated itself in my mind in 2020-21 and now that i DO have it the problem is that the inciting event is incredibly clear to me and yet bears too close of a resemblance to. personal events and horrors. for me to ever finish it! i'll think about it forever though. creating and writing that au changed my life for real it was the longest thing i'd ever written and the best when i wrote it and it's still very close to my heart.

16. What are your writing strengths? characterization and character development baby. evocative use of metaphor in descriptions of both character and setting. lavish description.

17. What are your writing weaknesses? PLOT. cant create that from my brain and i rarely attempt it. i have plenty of stuff to write about that does not require it. relatedly not great at worldbuilding.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? generally don't do it much except for a stray word or two. i don't mind reading it though! tolkien fic writers who translate full sentences you are god's strongest soldiers.

19. First fandom you wrote for? ough this one will be embarrassing. entering the archive pseud. wait is it also tolkien that's funny. life is a circle in some ways. this is first fandom on my ao3 account btw. the VERY first one i wrote for...i will take that knowledge to the grave.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

ah i feel like my answer for this one changes every time but i can't help it, i love many of my darlings equally. this time im giving the spotlight to life holds onto you, my chris pike & jim kirk post-star trek 2009 fic that is a few thousand words of 'what if your sort of son feared that you thought he was taking everything you ever wanted from you and he is right that you have thought that but you are learning how wrong you are.' i cried in the university library writing it and reread it recently and remembered it was good. recency bias baby

tagging the usual suspects @potatoesandsunshine @aaronstveit

[asahicore]

sorry this is a rather small than my usual ones. work has drained me too much (atleast im gettting that bag)

the way you described in the first paragraphs make him sound a like a psych major

sorry BUT HEE SOUNDS LIKE A CUTE LOSER RIGHT NOW (in a good way ??)

Sigma Sigma Pi Made me laugh sm.

Even though he hadn’t seen you in months, you were still on his mind all the time. To say he missed you would be an understatement, and it was a weird feeling, considering you were barely friends. But he missed taking the bus with you and hearing you laugh, even if it was at him, even when you were teasing him. He missed getting a glimpse of you in the hallways or seeing your shoes at the entrance of his house when he came home from school. He daydreamed about those hours you had spent together working on a puzzle together more often than he’d like to admit.

hes so me frr i even acted like that over my crush ( i miss seeing them in the school hallway and going home together <\3)

its so CUTE AND THIS BEING IN HEESEUNGS POV IS SO AHAHSBISJSKS CUTE AHHH IM SO EXCITED LIKE ITS MY FRIEND HITTING ON THE CRUSH. FRR

Since that fateful party, you’ve unconsciously started seeing your life as pre-Heeseung incident and post-Heeseung incident. 

vERY REAL 🗣🗣🗣🗣

tmi ; now i read this while i go shopping for some stuff. and tey to keep my cool update there's police there?? a ROBBERY??? im ok and good. moving on...

“What’s serious is this crush you’ve been harboring on him all these years, and that now that something has finally happened and you might be going somewhere with him, you’re running the other way.”

me 🤝 yn

running away from our problems fr

Your friend’s doubt only makes you feel even worse, and you drop your head into your palms with a groan. “I hate everything about this.”

omg yes also no ?? i feel like im on both sides for this trope. On fiction yes its 💯💯 but irl its ?? really IDK DEPENDS ON THE PERSON. one of my old friend dated our frienfs brother they didn't really end on good terms (friend A and the brother) so it got awkward at one point for her. Since we usually to friends B s house mostly. idk friend B has told us pls don't date your friends older brother or just sibling in general. but i also lnow ithers who are in great relationships too. yeah OKAT OFF TOPIC BACK TO THIS

“So that’s it then! Let’s not think about any of the possible bad outcomes for now, and just focus on getting you and him together.”

EXACTLY FOCUS ON YOU BOTH YES.

“Girl! He somehow manages to make it even more obvious than you. Also, Jake told me that Heeseung told him that he likes you. Can’t get much more reassurance than that.”

we love idots (affectionate) in love

���Really. And you, I’ve noticed how you pay more attention when his name is mentioned. And you were always a bit cheerier on the days you came back from school after riding the bus with him. Don’t even get me started on the way you’ve been this summer. You couldn’t get more obvious. It screams ‘I can’t handle being around this man for more than a minute so I’ll just run away,’ and I mean that in a good way.”

shes so :(( 🥺🥺🥺 <\3 i love them too. love this friendship wtf im going cry over this too

“I’m not completely sure. Maybe because you and Heeseung were both such losers, I thought that even if I told you I knew, nothing would happen.” You scoff, slightly offended, but more because you know she’s right than anything. “And I don’t know, you two were just so cute with your crush on each other. I wanted to let you figure it out on your own, but now it’s taken so long and it’s right in your face but you’re still doing nothing about it, so I got fed up.”

me too man me too. they are bunch of losers sm in love. need a little push (to a private space they can talk it out)

Your favorite movie is on the list, and you can’t help but wonder whether it’s a coincidence or whether it’s something you’d talked about during high school and that he’d somehow remembered.

STOP THATS SO AHHH IM GOING TO CRYDVDIJSSB AHHH

“O-oh, hey, Y/N,”

my cute little loser (love him and literally rooting for him)

Neither of you says anything more, letting the silence do its job. You look back up at him as he sighs deeply, almost contentedly, it seems. He smiles at the glasses as if they told him the right thing to say. He looks at you, smiles wider, looks away, looks back, looks away again, scratches the back of his head. You watch the whole time, small giggles bubbling up your throat and out of your lips. 

fiNALLY FUXKING FINALLY WVERYONE CHEERED 🗣🗣💯💯😌😌

He’s taken a comfortable seat indeed - he’s shamelessly manspreading, thighs almost taking up the whole space as if inviting you to find your own seat there.

HAHAHAHAH YEAH HE WOULD

You mumble at him to scooch then sit down next to him, knees bent close to your chest so your legs don’t touch his too much, but that plan is quickly thrown out of the window when you feel his hand sneaking behind your back until it reaches your waist, settling there. Even with a layer of fabric between his hand and your skin, the contact sends a shiver down your spine, and you have to keep yourself from audibly gasping. Conscious of the drink in your hand, Heeseung pulls you gently towards him, making your bent knees fall to the side and rest on his thigh. So much for keeping your distance.

SCREMAIBG THROWING UP AHHH YESS FUCKING FINALLY YES. THANK YOU.

Feeling bolder, you squeeze Heeseung’s hand once then bring it to rest on your knee. You sense his gaze on your face once again, but you avoid it and keep your eyes fixated on the TV screen, unable to keep yourself from smiling even though one of the side characters is getting brutally murdered. Your smile only gets bigger when he squeezes your hand back.

they are so cute. Ill eat them.

“But I’m more scared of letting you go now that I finally have you,” you say to the ground.

yeS FUCKING YESS BABE YES.

stop ITS HAPPENIVG LET THAT SEXUAL TENSION OUT (in thatvmoment)

“You finally did it, man! I’m so proud of you,” he exclaims, and actually sounds really excited.

me too, I FEEL YOU HOON A PROUD MOM

the practice part HAHAHAH VERY REAL HAHAHAHA IM

“Okay, if you say so,” she says, not sounding fully convinced. “But, you know, if there was, I wouldn’t- I wouldn’t be mad. A little weirded out, maybe, but not mad.” She’s looking at you so intently as she says this that you think she must know, otherwise she wouldn’t be saying all this. It’s like she’s asking you to just tell her, but still, you can’t bring yourself to do it. As if you’ve dug your own grave and have to lie in it.

OMG. BRO PMG. DHE KNOWS SHE FUCKING KNOWS PLS TELL SHE KNOWS

All he knows about sex, he’s gathered from porn, conversations with his guy friends, and Yunjin’s “spicy” romance novels. He has enough critical thinking skills to know that none of these are a hundred percent reliable sources, but he figured that the novels would be the closest to what women actually like.

HAHAHAHA I LAUGHED 4TH WALL WHERE ME TOO HAHAHA. THIS IS SO FUNNY.

FUCK THEY ARE SO CUTE ILL JUST LOSE IT URGH AHHHH

“Heeseung? Y/N?”

no NO NO i mesn i saw it coming so....

“I have to talk to her,” you whisper as you wrench your wrist away from Heeseung’s hold. 

OH GOD WISHING YOU THE BEST

update; stop i just realized i never said i came back from shopping lmao

i think this became longer than i said at the beginning. Take a shot everytime I say real.

one and only 🍓anon 😌💪

strawb anon are u okay .. an armed robbery happening right next to you while you were reading my fic? 😭 congrats on getting ur bag though !! get lots of rest and dw about whether ur ask is long or not im happy receiving anything at all so ty for sending this <33

sigma sigma pi i have no idea what fraternities are actually called i just went with my imagination 😭

i miss having hs crushes sm omg !! and yeah the bfb trope irl is not ideal.. i dont think i'd mind one of my friends dating one of my brothers but if they break up it'd be so awkward 😭 but if they don't and they get like married or something then it'd be fun to have my friend become my sister-in-law ig lol

seeing u react to heeseung is fo funny lmaoo calling him a loser one second and then screaming about him the next 😭😭 im the same though... also the huge skip in the quotes ur commenting on is taking me out and yeah seeun x yn in shambles 😣 tysm for ur ask strawb !!!!!! hope u had a good time shopping

[machiavelliankaiser]

Im so glad i changed my name, im so glad that im able to slowly shrug off peices of who I dont want to be. Slowly but, its progress. I look at my 16 year old self with such jealousy, old me had so much energy. I was annoying but I was almost always finding ways to be happy. I was outgoing, i loved to go out and meet people and cosplay and laugh. Nowadays, ethier due to age, lupus, or maybe the depression I let fester for top long Im so..

Tired?

Everything feels kinda fake, like a haze, i feel like im trapped in the shell of my body. I want to do things and break out. Make memories and yell. I feel like i was able to gain SOME of that back at cce. when i was with all my friends. Somehow, I didnt let the anxiety consume me. I walked around alone. I hate admitting it but sometimes my favorite parts of cons are when I just, go. I sneak off when everyones asleep. I CASUALLY run an errand to grab food. Then I just smile, im alone waiting in some con line and Im so happy. I got that happy back finally.

I crashed after, i felt like a stupid kid again. "Post con depression" had never been worst. I felt like I was loosing my mind. I didnt want to go back to work, back to stress, back in my head. I wanted one more day to sit and bury a new friend in mulch. Chase down a kiddie train screaming. Drink. Smoke. Anythng. But it was over. I was sad. I was scared.

I think talking about suicide is so serious and perminate. I could never take my own life, I have times where I understand it on and off. I have times where i wish I could poof away into a void. But death is my biggest fear. Its the end, qnd even if my life is mundane and im unhappy Id never want it to end i dont think.

This post became so long, maybe because I havent let myself post. I tried writing on paper. Taking walks. But nothing feels quite as nice as writing a ranty wall of text I might delete later. Its just word vomit im getting out.

This all started today because I was talking to riley. Its the anniversary of when he went to the psyche ward. I remeber being so so so upset. I was so upset my best friend had wanted to die. Maybe i wasnt enough? But being here now, I realize it isnt like that. Ethier way Im glad riley is around.

Whenever I talk to him i feel my shell break a little, I feel like kira and not like some empty container. Im so happy we reconnected, it makes everything.. easier? I can't talk to anyone how I can talk to riley. What we talk about can be so sad but I always feel so happy and uplifted to just.. talk. Say anything. Any sad or happy thing it doesnt matter with your best friend. One day I hope we are both better.

Im turning 21 this year. I cant believe that, Im going to be *21*. Ive been drinking since 16, so its not to special other then "oldnow!". I still cant drive, I still dont have my GED, fuck i still havent even changed my address after a year of living here or gotten insurance. I need to see a doctor, but secretly I put it off because im scared. Im scared to go in a learnive gotten worst. I know im going to get worst its fucki g lupus. I dont want to keep hearing about how long I've got, or how i should quit my job due to health, or any other stupid limitations because of a body and sickness i didnt ask for!

Im so angry about that. Im angry about being sick. Im angry about all the bad things that happened to me. Im angry because I didnt ask for that, I tried to be a good person my whole life, so why did I have to be so sick and sad? I dont want to cry every day anymore im scared.

Half my ffriends feel disconnected from me, maybe because im not the person i used to be. Or maybe they changed. Or maybe anything. I wish I had moore people that it felt like they WANTED to talk to me like Riley and Mitchell. To everyone else Im kinda annoying you know? I keep writing. I didnt except this. I didnt know i felt so much.

Im glad I have dnd, one piece, homestuck. I wish I never learned that shit about my dad though, I thought he was the "good" parent you know? I guess its easy to think that way whrn the other one just screamed at you and used to whack you with hair brushes.

I wonder if my mom knows I still hit myself in the head with a hair brush when i fully breakdown for whatever reason. I wonder if anyone whos hurt me ever thinks about how long ive been hurt and effected by it.

I need to stop talking.

I keep saying ill learn to drive or go back to school, but i think truthfully I need another year to ju as t fix my head. This got sad at the end but i think im finally slowly piecing stuff together. I feel so ashmed of that but i need to let that go.

Today im going to go on a date, and feel better. Thats my goal. My goal is just ro be happy.

[gavis-bettel]

i just saw a post about symptoms of childhood depression and idk if ive ever talked about this here but 

every time i try to think about how my depression developed when i was a child i am BLOWN AWAY by the fact that i was Very Severely suicidal as young as 7 or 8 years old 

like i have very distinct memories partly because it happened during my first road trip with my family. i distinctly remember just desperately wanting to jump out of our hotel room window and we were a good few stories up so i didnt have any doubt it would kill me and i didnt even think of why i would want to do it or that it was such a serious thing to want to kill myself bc idk if i even knew what suicide was at that age 

and around age ten i was on another trip with my mom and brother and it was a ton of fun! we went to a family reunion which i always enjoyed and it was in a totally different climate zone which was super cool to experience for the first time and my mom got me pokemon diamond so i would have something to do and i loved that game so so much 

but on a cable car ride the park ranger or tour guide or whatever her position was mentioned that it would take seven seconds to fall from the height of our cable car onto the face of the mountain and all i could think of was how much i wanted to pry the doors open and jump and count those seven seconds and how disappointing it was that the car was full of people and someone would stop me if i tried 

and then we went on a hike and i kept looking for any slope that would be sheer and tall enough to kill me if i fell but luckily we were on the safest most beginner/child friendly trail 

and earlier that year i was going through a really stressful time in school and i frequently imagined ways that i could fall on our sharpest kitchen knife so it would kill me as quickly and painlessly as possible, or how to drown myself by looping a belt through the grate of the drain at the bottom of our swimming pool, or how to poison myself but i didnt think too hard about that one because i had a tendency to throw up a lot as a kid and i wanted the most surefire way 

and at age twelve my best friend was also depressed and suicidal and she told me about how she wanted to poison herself or kill herself in other ways i cant remember bc its been a decade, but i decided that if she wanted to die too then i should try and i think it was before the pass out challenge but i remember hearing a news story about a child strangling himself to death playing a game or something so i actually tried to strangle myself and i could have fucking done it but i stopped bc i got a little freaked out by my neck going numb and seeing spots of light so i put the belt i was using away and just went to bed lol 

and in the morning i messaged my friend about it and she was actually kind of freaked out i think. i remember seeing the little red spots from blood vessels bursting in my eyes and i was lucky i didnt bruise bc while i never really realized just how fucked up and abnormal being suicidal was (at any age, let alone 7-12), i also never told anyone about it except my friend 

and interestingly enough around that time one of my teachers mentioned to my mom that i seemed depressed and recommended that i see a professional about it but my mom asked me if i was depressed and wanted to talk to someone and of course i said no because i was a shy kid and also never really knew there was actually something very seriously wrong with me... she chalked it up to my grandma (who i kind of hated and didnt miss at all, lol) dying a few months earlier and we all just kind of forgot about that 

and funny enough, after my suicide attempt i didnt contemplate suicide again for several years - i might have been sixteen or seventeen the next time i even thought about dying like that. of course, starting in the tenth grade (age uhh... 15-16?) i had my first Springtime Major Depressive Episode, which made me lose any and all interest in school starting some time after spring break and before finals, and this happened ever year up until 2016, when i had my worst one yet and failed all my classes bc i didnt go to half of them, didnt do half my homework, and stopped studying altogether while also becoming completely obsessed with dead animals and constantly dissociating so badly i was almost convinced i had DID (and i still have posts on this blog talking about having alters and all that shit bc digging them all up to delete them is too much work and i might want to read back through all that mess if i ever have to go through such a severe episode again (knock on wood) ). and like, it was so bad i actually told my mom i was having a rough time for the first time ever, and she gave me her prozacs bc she didnt actually take them anymore (they didnt work on me, unfortunately). the summer following all that was marked by fits of anxiety and rage bc i had family visiting for a few weeks and it was too stressful for my poor half-melted brain but i managed to get through all that and the depressive episode ended and i actually got my act together after that and haven’t failed a class since and ive only skipped like 1-2 times per semester since then and i was sooo proud of how well i did and 2017 i didnt have my big springtime mde 

but now i feel like im slipping again and i dont know if i can handle disappointing myself like that again. i was actually considering dropping out for a while because im not going to graduate in a clean four years, some people i graduated high school with have already gotten their degrees and started their careers, and im also just fucking tired of being in school. but my advisor told me im on track to graduate next fall and that made me feel so much better 

but then i realized i cant focus during class. i dont remember huge chunks of lectures and sometimes its a struggle to turn in homework on time, let alone actually study. theres a good chance i could fail one of my classes, and a slight chance i could fail another. and i promised myself that i would get help if things got bad again, theres a psych clinic right on campus thats covered by tuition, but it feels like im doing all i can to make it to class and then im exhausted and just want to go home... im honestly feeling kind of lost here. like i know exactly what i can do to help myself and maybe salvage some fucking brainpower before finals start, but i just have no motivation and mentally its like im barely even here 

or like, my brain’s being smothered and i cant pay attention or do anything because theres so much fluff blocking everything out... 

well, at least now i have a little account of my mental health history in case i ever do manage to see someone lol

[allyallstarr]

I'm never posting this. Can you remember this, Alexa?

I hate my guts like you wouldn’t believe.

I hate my piece of shit memory. I hate my lack of motivation. I hate that I hide myself behind a facade of happiness. I hate my low self esteem, it’s lower than the width of a needle. I hate my lack of ambition. I hate that I'm shit at school. I hate my suicidal thoughts. I hate my inability to speak about emotions and my suicidal thoughts to my parents. I hate that I’m a piece of shit daughter. I hate that I self harm just to feel something. I hate that I have no emotion. I hate that I’m unresponsive in most occasions. I hate that I can’t explain my feelings when needed to. I hate my anxiety. I hate that I lie so no one is worried and stressed over me. I hate thAT IM A FUCKING IDIOT WHO DOESNT DESERVE HER LIFE. I HATE ME.

If I could go back in time when I was ten years old, I would tell myself how much of a fucking dumbass I was for self harming and thinking suicide was a great idea. Even though I still fucking do. 

I can’t fix myself. I’m unfixable. I accidentally barge in serious conversations when I didn’t mean to. I say something but I say it in the wrong way and someone thinks I hate them when I don’t. I hate my stuttering. I hate my maternal grandfather because he’s an idiot too. I hate that I made my parents think I care about other people more than them. I love my parents. But since I’m unemotional and unresponsive I can’t convince them enough to to believe it.

You know who deserves Alexa? No one. Not her parents. Not her friends. No o n e. Because she puts them through such unbearable pain and suffering. She doesn’t belong on this Earth. She doesn’t belong anywhere. She makes everyone’s lives a living fucking hell.

I’m shit aT LIFE.  I’m sorry mom and dad for not listening and not following through and not becoming what you wanted me to be. I’m sorry six year old me for making you experience how horrible I am. I’m sorry Psych for being a horrible friend and overall annoying. You don’t deserve me. I’m sorry Jen for not talking to you more. I’m sorry Mayhem for forgetting about writing things and just overall being clingy. I’m sorry Grace for not getting into anime enough for you. I’m sorry Squint for being so awkward and annoying. I’m sorry Liam for messing up and ruining conversations. I’m sorry Dylan for ignoring you. I’m sorry Logan for not telling you I added you on Skype.  I’m sorry everyone who has ever met me for being shitty at everything and annoying and for ruining your lives.

I’m not special to anybody. No one needs me.

I'm not valuable to anyone and I never will be. 

-------

the tags read:  #quiet ally#I want to die#//makes a chart of ten million earths in length#thiiiissss fuckinG MUCH#FUCK YOU ALEXA#FOR BEING A HORRIBLE PERSON#FUCK#YOU#AND#YOUR#EXISTENCE

holy shit? (ill edit this after)

alright. hi. it’s me. the one who wrote this... post.

i couldn’t stop thinking about this during dinner. 

ally was... a strange gal. nice, kinda, sweet, but deep down she hated herself. and i will admit, i still do, i think maybe more. but THIS. i dont even remember writing it? this is just pure self hatred, almost a side of myself ive never seen before. 

ally... ally. ive held some grudges against you. just a few, not gonna lie. but kid, honey, sweetie pie. listen to me. you were pretty okay. sure you were weird, you fucked up sometimes, but you had people who love you. these people cared for you, and still do.

hang in there, kid, just a little bit. something great might happen. just... hang in there, starkid.

[haeroniel-doliet]

thbleugh but what bich is gonna fight me for me

idk im just gonna rant again, im sorry if youre on mobile just like, give it a big flick and fly past this i tried i actually have a read more this time

anywy im feelin shitty an dumb n weird an its not fun?? like do we try categorize these feelings: 

1. i have 3 days to pass a course and all the course work i failed to do in fucking march 

1.b. all those emotions to do w unis great! but also ive been solow and sad and dysfunctional its not rly even funny, grades dropping many levels in half a year like. sure grades dont define my life but considering how easy it is for me to get those grades to see them consistently and kinda dramatically dropping isnt helping (even though like i actively know i got lower grades bc i didnt fucking attend class or take in any knowledge. i realise hahah im making a psychology reference bc im a smart psychology uni student.... hmh oh yeah we, we learned about this, i dont know it. my peers do. oh. oh i didnt, i didnt learn anything. oh no. im here to learn abt the subject im supposedly loving and thats the best fit for me bc like hell id be an artist. anyway i have a lot of shit down here i havent figured out who to talk it out to. the mental health advisor didnt have the time for it rly and w counsellors its been different topics but now were in summer and id rather spend the spare money i can rattle off my parents on ballet than a psyhc i could see 2 times best. im just gonna have to wait till septembet bc my dumb white wall subscitption expired too damnti. ugh im just, okay lets move on

2. inadequacy thats not justified? like it is obvs bc it bothers me and i know i can do better and i am better than this all and i clearly have smth stopping me. while to others im doing just fine if not better than them who are really struggling and kinda dont have sympathy for me who goes ‘ugh im doing so badly and struggling, i mean i write perfect essays in one go but its just so hard to do thattt and i know im smarter and better than this’ esp bc say putting words together in that way is difficult on them and not been good at school

2.b. like being good at school but noot being good now, classic phenomenon or has my school system always been the softes most coddliest and where in the normal or worse school 1would have performed average and maybe learned to study and the worth of it to do better, ive just been good enough that caring became so unnecessary i need to waste my time on pointless but constant other things. like youtube and rpchats. constant monotone stimulation for hours. andhours. 

2.c. asking for help bc im struggling w actually getting over the fuzzy and struggle and self hate and blegh feelings to do some work thatd allow me to pass the coursein my 3 days of the very last extended time. and then realising, ah either youve slaved over your work and stressed and panicked to have it good and on time and have no pity left for me and my foolishness, or you never got to uni/struggled to go to uni and think im wasting my opportunity by being an ungrateful lazy piece of hsit. and i know ia m. and 2.d. its the reason why im not doing extra volunteering or serious extra curriculars thatd give the headstart in my lfie. bc, even tho on one side i wanna be that kid and owuld scoff at ppl not doing it who are here for fun and get a degree on the side, rn i see it as not stealing away dedicated good peoples spots who deserve to get the extra recognition for being clever and independent, meanwhile knowing htat probablyill be just fine. worst case scenario for me is literally (ok theres worse but v unlikely) living w my parents and ending up at a mediocre service job to another mediocre office job or smth and never get to a lab bc i wasnt sufficient enough and i never got the cotton balls out of my head and cleared up again to be smart enogh

okay what next, shitty privilige, crying abt my cotton ball head or not being smart

3. okay were gonna do the smart first bc my chest hurts and i kinda feel like crying or smth abt it. like in a dumb (fun) chat im playing athena known for wisdom and all this shit, and though i can throw out a quip or two or cleverly use smth to keep the smartass wisdom stick going on, every now and then i realise how dumb i am and not smart enough that another person could clearly fill this in much better. like. you know all the hilarious posts abt mansplaining and women being pushed out of their fields by dumber men who think they know better bc the others a woman and like, yeah? things where they are confident enough to say, actually i am way smarter than you and i know this bettr. here i am feeling like even if i spent years researching smth i wouldnt have the confidence to feel smart and knowldegeable abt it. like rn, i cant even hold arguments anymore bc im a fool. and i come off as dumb and i dont want to be, i still wanna be the smart kid, but im not working my brain im not doing work or research or learning, im jsut floating by w my cotton ball head thats getting fuzzier and fuzzier and though i can do tasks and would probably b v compeittive if it came to that and need to prove myself as smart, i can no longer feel like id hold my own, esp when people poke holes so easily, trap falls, “hah you dont know what to say ive bested you you dumb bitch” vibey things i just. its horrible? i wanna be smart and be confident in my smartness and feel recognized as smart by other people and live up to that expectation of actually being clever. and not just, knowing im smart enough in some ways bc school ive  passed so easy w always good remarks and participate well in class discussion and all, and im sure nobody thinks im rly dumb bc if i have to ask things im v friendly and try to be attentive. and idk if nobodys expecting more than me, bc again if i cant answer ive developed to be v chill about it and come off as average i guess. 

anyways 4. privilige; like thers multiple inc. the fact im fucking finnish aka my education system was supposedly one of the best, i grew up international so i wasnt even confined to one shitty school in one shitty town, ive had varied school experiences and switching so much i think has given me confidence in myself and shit like that. also bc im finnish i get grants in uni, like free money. and so far i have barely had to use it bc surprise my parents are togther and decently well off bc they got lucky w a job being fancy ppl for 3 years and my older brother is already  adulting and slowly doing his own thing so i can have more money from them. aka. catch my dad paying all my rent and food and everything i need/ ask for on the condition we keep a good releationship. and im reasonable bc he raised me smart apparently idk. but that still means im living at home i have no intentions of becoming an independent home owner bc idk how i would esp since ill be with my parents most holidays for years to come and idk even when or how ill become a real adult being in a real home w real comapnionship. bc rn idk who im even gonna live with, hopefully be civil w them maybe even make a bit of friends but im not gonna have a significant other to move in and support me for a while bc thats a thing idk if were getting into today in this why im feeling shitty rant. 

4.b. so im priviliged in everyway to go to uni for free (damn i gotta apply for that again) in a nice country and a nice and supportive school and get funding from both my parents and my country and not worry abt money and just get a degree all supported and babied again. im also, idk. priviliged bc, fuck writing comes easy to me, i know nayone reading my rants would be like... yeah this is barely legible and terrible writted and mind blurts so i say it is yes bc its mind blurts but i can organise my htoughts into fancy essays surprisingly easy and critical stuff like psych and english came  mad easy to an extent. sure, i wasnt talented in math but i still made it, i am not talented in science but sometimes the concepts click and i can . but then, im also talented in art. and im not ashamed to say its privilige disposition or talent or smth, bc damn. i do not practice or dedicate enough love to claim that. sure, ive drawn always, sure, ive practiced more as a kid thatn other kids and thats probably carried me thru pretty far, but i think ive just had a natural disposition to be good at art technique (creativity maybe not so, or inspiration) but i know what looks good and sometimes how to achieve that. cue montage to art class where i sit w my friends who are talking about bands or making outlines w nut shells bc there i am beside them doing the work in half the time twice as good. mostly bc the teacher wasnt great and would assign essentially copying a picture from a4 to a2 u know like drawing the same thing. and thats not easy. and youre supposed to build up really light layers and slowly refine it.  and ppl who listened only ended up w shitty light drawings that either look like potatoes or vaguely like the picture, while i with boosting confidence would go, we only do one super light sketch one medium sketch and one dark layer. bc by the medium one everything is in its place and looks abt like everyone elses and i need the dark hues to show it accurately even if it isnt perfect, and my work would like almost always stand out on the wall bc it was so different/advanced. i wont lie it influenced my friends to not draw as well or as much sitting next to me, and ofc id feel bad and i could never boast bc i felt bad that they didnt try bc they saw me, thought mines not gonna be like that so im just gonna fuck around and do whatever. and i obvs needed praise but would always feel bad bc it was obviously me who was the best in that class and its so self conceited but, it kinda just was true in that small class half of whom didnt want to be there. me butt kissin and trying to impress myself w my skill. catch like, that first day he asked us to draw the person next to us, and i made my partner draw me first, bc i just knew if i went first theyd look at it and draw me a potato stick figure in 5 seconds and say i cant draw like you. and true. while the rest of the class made sketchy circle guys, some looing so childish, here i went and said, okay i find it awkward having you stare at me and if  you move a lot it makes it harder to be accurate, so, like take out your phone and get comfortable and look down at that for a while hence drawing3/4 unlike anyone else w eyes cast down and damn if i dont remember it being beautiful and identifiable as that friend, even tho the teacher told ppl around me like, ah yes she did it this way, 3/4 not face on which is much easier. which is true but bitch you never said. sides it looks so much better and was so much less frustrating. anyway, even now in that chat i go and like drop my drawings in bc partially i just wanna draw more and showing people makes me draw? u know. and i kinda wanna get compliments. but ive figured im pretty humble abt it. and sure i get comments that are like god i wish i could draw like that from someone that doesnt draw arms or legs and theyre v bublehead cartoon. and im like. you could. but yours is still middle school level, so just, keep working at it, get confidence to break your mold. 

that andtheres this one chick that,,,, gawd, well they admit to being a sociopath in chat which is great and seem real attention seekery in general (theres a surprising amount of people, while in midst of rp and getting compliments go “well i guess im a shit rpr because nobody wants to rp with me ://) post art and then be like dramatically UGH i hate it it looks so bad im terrible at art, literally poster girl for fishing for compliments. and even if i dont like the style at all, i try give in anatomical pointers or smth abt the drapery or smth technical i can complement. bc id want the same i guess? and i dont love let alone like the art itself. and then, while getting so many of those theyre like “yeah well nobody likes my art, say it reminds them of this character (jessica rabbit while all hers have big hips big tits tiny waists massive lips massive eye, but just one eye bc the otehrs covered by hair like theres obvious similarities) which means im totally not original like i thought so why even try!” and other melodramatic things that i can argue, but they dont wanna hear it they want attention and praise and i just ughhh i could preach you about how no art is original and its all from influence, or how someone doesnt have to like your style to appreciate it, or someone might love your style and like. basic stuff ive figured out myself. and it gets frustrating trying not to get a superiority, or to start shoving my own art in there to try compete or smth. and its just. hard. idk. id k. i know theres people who are averse to art and never tried to be good at it who are obvs gonna be omg thats so good i cant even draw and ill be like, hah yeah sure dude if you tried maybe btut thanks. 

also drawing man its so weird, whenever i see someone elses drawing a part of me goes “we must draw so that we can show were better than that” like, either to get complimetns and shift it to me? or to just show them off. to be like. i can do it better. which i kinda hate about myself? that i draw mostly bc of that and a need to show off? like amxxs art or smth, them talking like yeahh ugly art is good art, drawing is so healing i feel great or im so proud of myself for improivng so much look at my art, and a part of me goes, awh yes! my theorys proven working on art for yourself improves and can cheer you up, another goes, yesnow i must draw to show how good i am and show how i too feel fulfilled by drawing but also make it about me by weeping how i hate drawing myself. literally smths wrong w me seeing others pot abt their midrift, or learning to accept their curves or drawing themselves or smth, and theres a gremlin of me going like yeah but i cant draw myself bc i tried once and it looks like shit and ill only highlight my flaws and im slightly afraid of someone saying it looks exactly like me or other dumb shit, or i dont have curves to accept bcim not big hip big thic thigh girl im just. my legs are big but mostly ugly bc of the skin on them not bc of their size (ankles tho oof) and i have no hips i have no butt bc it allwent to my stoamch thats also ugly and my broad   badly postured back thats also ugly w these spots and marks and scars soon probably. and saggy boobs dont forget those. bc theyre literally fat sacks aiming for the ground i guess. anyway. no cute curves,  no beautiful skin no nth its just tough and i cant help but feel the negativity towards myself in almost every glimpse of someone elses positivity. i dont always air it which would be horrible of me to do, but its still there. making their happiness about my misery. maxx loves their boyfriend?> i hate them bc i dont like him and its rining it> i hate them havingsuch a dreamy but fake seeming ‘soulmate’ relationship bc its not true and i think itll end up terribly> im neveer gonna have that and im jealous of them i guess having someone theyd dedicate so much to and who loves them so much theyre all over the place making sappy things> well theyre an oveer romantic whod do it over the smallest things this wasnt a great example. 

anyway yeah extra note, even if i felt comfortable enough for sex im not comfortable enough in my body for that and idk how thats relevant to anything but i guess thats smth id also talk w a therapist abt whod probably tell me, then dont have sex! like yeah thats my plan.but im talking never gonna be able to form a relationship bc even having a friend for a sleepover makes me uncomfortable having them see me in an uncontrolled clothed position. u feel. 

anyway i have a lot of little problems that amount and i guess when i start addressing one the rest pop up their ugly heads and this is why i never getanywhere. this all comes from  how shitty i feel from how i have literally not even 3 full days to complete those tasks and pass, and i know i need to, though nothing in me actually feels like itll actually do the work u know, that spiraled through that chat into privilige of being at school and how i should tryy a bit that turned to im priviliged to be smart to pass and in my talent in art despite not being an artist that spiraled to another way i disliked myself and thats my fucked relations to myself my body and relationships (esp including me that dont exist)  

side note, though no surprise if for some ungodly reason youve read this shit i wrote at 8.30 am when i have a docs appointment abt my very ugly skin at 12.45 i over share. easily. if somseone asks id give them all. look at this. even in that chat i spiraled from, hah fun fucked up thing im almost failing my course bc im a shit, to my  heads filled with fuzz and i hate that i cant live up to my potentia. and im surprised how much i like this one guy, though who with his character ripped into my athena and make me question all my smartness, really makes me feel better ooc??? like theyre genuinely nice and just too informed and funny and playing the dick for a very well thought out reason (drunk doesnt mean it etc) and while the sociopath gal is giving me the side eye after they tried to help but figured out im a prviliged kid whos in school for free and not making the most of it and how easy school has been forme when for them despite their hard efforts they failed high school.u know not reallly helping kinda making me fele worse bc i know i should be doing better and could be and not only bc i have a priviliged opportuntity to and ability, i would benefit so much more if i did it for myself. but here comes by weird guy who slips on a freudian approach and claims they love helping ppl through their problems so i drop another overshare paragraph if he rly wanted to help but lighten it by taking thetopic off, he doesnt return and never address my post bc now its onto talking abt the big rp thing. im not mad. i just, idk i kinda wanted their support, another poor stranger to inflict w my extremely troubled wordy lengthy and i guess complex thoughts and feelings and lack there of sometimes and other shit. 

anyway im not doing great but im gonna grab 3 hrs of sleep before the doc, come back, nap, go to ballet again, come back, ad.... do smth.. work. maybe. one can hope. i hate it will it actually work only time can tell and i hate myself already.ugh. i hate i hate im not okya with this why cant someone else deal w me for me. deal with all these feelings and botherings and make me do my work and be satisfied doing it and do it all in time and feel a little success and reward myself like i should for work done and not just when i want. idk. someone,t ake over my life, you might be better at it. help me dela with school that i currently hate the most even if im meant to end up a scholar or smth

[sasuke420]

1-65 except the ones you already did

ok this is A LOT so sorry if you’re on mobile

1: Do you have a crush at the moment?

answered

2: Have you ever been deeply in love?

answered

3: Longest relationship you've ever been in?

like........unofficially almost 2 years but official a combination of 2 months then 7 or 8 months idfk 

4: Have you ever changed for someone?

i absorb the personality of everyone i ever talk to but like, not intentionally

5: How is your relationship with your ex?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA i hope we never speak again or if we do it’s just so i can be like FUCK YOU again tbh,

6: Have you ever been cheated on?

nah

7: Have you ever cheated?

nope

8: Would you date someone who's well known for cheating?

what the fuck no

9: What's the most important part of a relationship?

umm......communication? trust? all those words people throw out that are true and real but i love being very open at all times so truly communication

10: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?

serious i guess? my last “fling” was kind of a disaster so idk 

11: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on "breaks"?

NOPE NOPE NOPE almost fell for that bullshit and it’s basically what ended my last relationship so absolutely not no thanks!!! not for me

12: How many people have you ever hooked up with?

i hate the phrase hooked up bc it could mean anything from kissing to sex so i never know how to answer this?! i already made a post the other day sayin ive kissed 4 people so theres that i guess 

13: What's one thing you regret saying/doing in a previous relationship?

answered

14: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex?

idk you do you but like, personally before like........16 seems too dangerous imo bc you are Children but as long as it’s safe and whatever idk

15: Do you believe in the phrase "age is just a number"?

no bc it’s usually used by predatory older dudes but i mean age differences are fine as long as it’s not creepy and terrible. but don’t say this as a 24 year old dude as an excuse to date a high schooler

16: Do you believe in "love at first sight"?

answered

17: Do you believe it's possible to fall in love on the internet?

that’s like, exclusively what’s happened to me so, yeah

18: What do you consider a deal breaker?

i don’t have like a specific list in my mind or like one THING i cannot tolerate but i guess a huge one would be anything having to do w not tolerating mental illness bc that is my entire personality

19: How do you know it's time to end a relationship?

when they make you feel shitty more than they make you feel happy

20: Are you currently in a relationship?

nop

21: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends?

yeah i’ve seen it happen and work out fine

22: Do you think people should date their friends?

sure why not, it’s nice to be friends then have it turn into something or whatever. i like relationships based off of friendships 

23: How many relationships have you had?

um i’d really only count like, one, so......1

24: Do you think love can last forever?

yeah i love happy old couples

25: Do you believe love can conquer all things?

um.......not really??? that’s like, a big statement, 

26: Would you break up with someone your parents didn't approve of?

no because i dated someone my parents disliked for a long time

27: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be?

answered

28: Do you think long distance relationships can work?

absolutely tho i’m not huge on them for myself

29: What do you notice first about another person?

answered

30: Are you straight, bi, gay or pansexual?

me all the time: IM GAY AS HELL

but really i’m bi 

31: Would it bother you if your partner suffered from any mental illness?

answered

32: Have you ever been in an abusive relationship?

haha........................................................................................yeah and it’s fucked up my entire psyche so (-:

33: Do you want to get married one day?

yeah!

34: What do you think about getting your partner's name tattooed?

sounds like a very bad idea and also wouldn’t even be like aesthetically pleasing so no thanks

35: Could you be in a relationship without sex?

probably? idk

36: Are you still a virgin?

no i’m a sinner

37: What's more important: Looks or personality?

personality but obviously i like people that i am physically attracted to so.....i mean its both but i am very big on personality which is why hookups arent rly my thing too much

38: Do you enjoy love films?

do i enjoy them? i will SOB at them, so, 

39: Have you ever given anyone/received roses?

nope

40: Have you ever had a valentine?

answered i think

41: What's your imagination of a "perfect date"?

getting drunk and taking a nap together

42: Have you ever read "Romeo & Juliet"?

i did for school in like 8th grade 

43: What's more important: Your partner or your friends?

gotta get that balance. don’t neglect either of them

44: Would you consider yourself "romantic"?

i call myself a hopeless romantic constantly

45: Could you imagine to date one of your current friends?

yes

46: Have you ever been "friendzoned"?

fake concept. i had high school crushes that never went anywhere but that doesnt mean friendzoned really so no

47: Which "famous couple" is your favorite?

i don’t pay attention to thos things honestly................mulder and scully

48: What's your favorite love song?

i have an entire playlist of love songs, hmu for it, but ummm probably first day of my life if thats considered a love song

49: Have you ever broken someone's heart?

eh. kind of. complicated

50: If you're single, why do you think you are?

i’m ugly

(bc i have been single for like...2 months and thos things dont come fast)

51: Would you rather date someone who's rich but a douchebag or someone who's poor but a nice guy?

poor but nice guy 100%

52: Are you good at giving other people advices regarding dating/ relationships?

ehhhhhhhhhhhhh not really i mean sometimes? i don’t know it depends on the situation 

53: Are you jealous of couples when you're single?

LOL.............yes i am known to get kinda salty

54: How important is it to make a relationship official (p.e. on Facebook)?

eh. i like having it be Official and known as a thing but other than that idk

55: Would you consider yourself "clingy", "overly attached" or "jealous"?

i will cling to you with the force of a thousand suns (but try to play it cool and fail yikes)

56: Have you ever "destroyed" a relationship?

nah he did that (side eye emoji)

57: Do you think it's silly to consider suicide because of a broken heart?

me: i’m going to kill myself when we break up

so like, no, but don’t do it because i didn’t and that was a dumbass mindset

58: Are you the "dominant" or the "submissive" part in a relationship?

the MOST submissive you will ever meet, in your entire life, please dominate me

59: Have you ever forgotten important dates like your partner's birthday or your anniversary?

answered i think

60: What's your opinion on open relationships?

whatever works for u but probably not my thing

61: Who's more important: Your partner or your family?

my siblings can fuck off but parents and partner are both important

62: How do you define "cheating"?

????????? is there more than one definition??? its fuckin cheating. dont flirt or do shit w other people. 

63: Is watching porn while being in a relationship inappropriate?

it doesn’t make me feel awesome to think about but it’s not like, an issue

64: Do you think Valentine's Day is overrated?

me when im single: yes

me if i was in a relationship: NO (HEART EYES X1000)

65: Would you consider yourself a "cuddler"?

WOULD I? CONSIDER????????????? I DONT CONSIDER ANYTHING. I KNOW FOR A FUCKING FACT I AM. i will cuddle 24/7 365 baby