#i hate myself more than words can describe i'm so stupid and shitty

[vic-draws-sometimes]

What would Johnny do?

Or another brain dump y'all call fics, in which autistic Simon tries to take care of Johnny

He was a dog. A rabid dog, if you will.

A killing machine.

A ghost.

He tortured, stabbed, murdered... He didn't comfort.

Yet, as he was standing in front of Johnny, he suddenly wished that he was normal. Not just not a killer, but also... Not stupid, as so many would say.

Johnny had been acting weird for a week, now, but Simon, or anyone for that matter, bothered to do anything. It was unfair, really. Johnny was always the first to cheer someone up, to give them a hug or space when they needed. Ghost was the first to know that.

But when he started feeling off, no one approached him. Ghost included. And now he regretted.

Why didn't he talk to him sooner? Why didn't he take care of him? Offer him comfort like Soap does to him? He knew why, of course. He wasn't a comforting presence, it wasn't in his nature. Even if he tried, he was always too blunt, too straightforward, not reassuring.

But no matter, he should've tried.

Because now Johnny was curled up by the side of his bed, panting and holding his head. He barely noticed Simon coming in his room to give him paperwork, or even noticed him standing there like a fool for a good two minutes.

''Johnny...'' he tried, but couldn't find words. The smaller man jumped a bit at the sound, but didn't move. Ghost then approached him, putting the paperwork on his desk, forgotten already.

''m sorry, LT... I'll... I'll get back to work in a bit.'' Johnny said, much smaller than what Simon would like, and much more out of breathe.

Simon was so worried, he forgot to reassure him that he didn't need to work just yet.

What should he do? What did people do to comfort other people? Shushing them, pet them, smile... That didn't seem appropriate.

What did Johnny do, when he was in a similar state? He made him tea... Touched his arms and held him tight. He didn't ask questions, never did.

''Look, Ghost... Can you just... '' the scot trailed off, his voice trembling slightly. ''Go... Please.''

The last plea made Simon hesitate. Should he listen to him and leave? Rationally, he should.

But it hurt in a way Simon wouldn't be able to describe, seeing his Johnny in this state.

Finally, he sat next to Johnny, in silence. He held out in hand to him, not looking at his face. After a minute of further silence, Johnny put his hand in his, and Simon started to rub at his skin, massaging the many muscles.

They stayed like this for a long time, eventually Johnny put his head on Simon's shoulder.

''I feel shitty.'' was the first thing he said, sounding way too tired. Simon looked at him briefly, encouraging him but not forcing it out.

''Sometimes everything just gets too much, you know? I... I love the team, and what we do, but I always feel like the new one. I'm annoying people around me, I'm not as skilled... I get injured all the time, and make people worry. I hate it. I...''

Johnny sighed, leaning a bit more into the bigger man. Simon got the message and wrapped his arms around him.

''I'm pathetic.'' he finished, closing his eyes. Simon thought for a little while. How could he extinguish these thoughts?

''You're not.'' is all he ended up saying, a bit blunter that he would've liked.

''If you were that useless, we wouldn't keep you on the team. If you annoyed people so much, Price would've kicked you out... It's true that you get hurt a lot, though. I would like you to stop. '' his honesty mixed with that last comment extracted a little laugh from Johnny, it sounded like heaven after a week of not hearing it.

''Always the right words...'' he said, a little sarcastic.

''I'm sorry for being like this, I'll get myself together. '' he added, straightening up to get out of the hug. Except Simon held him tight.

''No. Take a break, rest. I'll make you some tea and stay with you for as long as you need. And stop apologizing, '' it once again came out more like an order than reassurance, but at least Johnny didn't take it to heart, scoffing.

''Make it a coffee, then we got a deal.''

''Got it.''

Ghost finally let him leave his arms. Soap got up, only to sit on the edge of his bed.

Like promised, Simon took back the paperwork and came back with a coffee. They spent the next hours in bed, cuddling and trying to ease the scot's worries.

''Why didn't you talk to me?'' Simon eventually asked.

''About what?''

''All of that. You've clearly been feeling like this for a while, so why didn't you come to me?'' Johnny took a second to think about it, drawing circles on Simon's chest.

''Didn't want to bother you...'' he murmured, but Simon heard.

''Bother me? You... You help me so much, yet you worry to bother me by asking for my help?''

''Yeah, got a problem with that?'' Soap tried to joke, but it didn't land, Simon was a bit offended.

''Yeah I got a problem with that. It's not fair that you see me at my most vulnerable and refuse to show a bit more of yourself to me. Am I not trustworthy?''

Both men were now silent. Suddenly Johnny sat upright to look at Simon.

''Yeah, you are. I'm sorry that I acted like an idiot, next time I'll talk to you. '' he offered him a small smile, to ease his worry. Simon wasn't sure he entirely trusted that he'd do that, but he'll stay alert for next time, as to not let it fester for a whole week.

''Good. ''

''Now... The coffee was good, but I know something else that would cheer me up...'' Johnny said, trailing his finger down Simon's chest. The bigger man only held him tighter in his arms.

''Not tonight. I told you to rest.''

''Aye...'' there was no disappointment in his voice as he got comfortable on his Lieutenant, ready for a good nap.

[lotusmi]

https://at.tumblr.com/lotusmi/httpsattumblrcomlotusmihttpsattumblrcomponde/60vd44eb37cr

okay I know all that I said was really long, first I'm so sorry you went through that, I have been through something SO similar to what you described you went through and I know how hard that must be/must have been.

Secondly, I don't know if all these people realize everything works with the law of assumption, literally everything, their assumptions that this exists or that exists only exist in their reality because they believe in it/assume it. I am also so tired of them claiming everything is "witchcraft" when there are religions WAYYY older than those practices, way older than Christianity, that they get most of their source material from....zodiac signs for example, modernized zodiac signs originate from Mali in Africa, the law of attraction, chakras, auras etc all are from, what is considered the oldest religion in the world, Hinduism which goes 1,000s (3,000 plus years) of years ago in India.

There was once a version of myself that would spiral and doubt but like another anon said, I'm proud of the fact that these things no longer affect me so much that I spiral, it just makes me more thankful for the law of assumption because I know damn well, I'm getting everything without having to struggle to get it while they can be bitter. The reason I got so mad in that is not just because of the cult comments, but because before the law of assumption I used to be into that stuff, Tarot reading, witchcraft stuff, I'd defend it even after being in law of assumption because I hated how much they were judged by Christians but bruh, what the hell are they doing?? Suddenly they are becoming exactly what they hated??? the misunderstanding and judging, the accusations of having evil intentions, the constant insults, what is all this hypocritical shit. They then talk about victim blaming, I've only seen ONE person in this community say stupid shit like that and immediately after they deactivated or their account got deleted, NO ONE in this community victim blames, most of us ARE victims, we know damn well when someone says they went through traumatic shit, MANY bloggers are so damn sweet to them, even coming across other blogs just to tell the anons it's not their fault. From what I've seen, regardless of all the shitty things that have happened in this community. victim blaming is NEVER allowed here.

Also honestly, if someone is gonna call a group of people minding their business doing what they want, something, don't use words with as much weight as "cult," because all you're doing is sounding so damn stupid to people who have not only studied that shit but experienced it too, they need to stop trying to sound smart and like they finally "cracked the manifesting community's code," all they're doing is embarrassing themselves, and all those idiots agreeing with them, the anons, I'm sure tried law of assumption and gave up because they did stupid shit and then took their frustrations out on bloggers or they feed into these people's misunderstandings of the law thinking we are all crazy or in some cult when if they just did some research, maybe they'd realize, we aren't crazy/in a cult at all.

Anyway, I just had some more to say, I hope I didn't upset you last time and I hope I didn't do it this time, I'm so sorry if I did.

love you lotus, thank you for listening to me and even sharing that memory you had, once again, I'm sorry you went through that love <3

you are right!!!! ty for sharing your opinion, i agree with u 💗

[gay-otlc]

Snap the Pen in Half

Tiergan/Prentice angst lmao

Summary: Dear Prentice, Hi. This is stupid. This is really stupid. Why am I doing this again? It's not like you can read this.

Content warnings for cursing, and like death/loss

Word count: 3477

@if-only-wishes-were-answered you asked to be tagged?

Read on AO3

Okay, so, maybe it was irrational that Tiergan wanted to snap the fucking pen in half. It's not like the pen was to blame for anything. But xe wanted to break something, and the pen was conveniently in xyr way. With a sigh, he stopped looking at the pen like it personally had taken Prentice away from him, and started scribbling furiously.

Dear Prentice,

Hi. This is stupid. This is really stupid. Why am I doing this again? It's not like you can read this. Not that anyone can ever read my handwriting, but you can't even try to decipher it, because you're...

Nope. Not writing that. Not in pen, where xe can't erase it, because writing it is too permanent. Maybe if he doesn't write it, he can pretend this isn't permanent.

This is stupid.It's supposed to be therapeutic, or whatever. A healthier way to deal with everything than locking myself in my room and blasting the Beatles so loud it hurts my ears and eating ice cream and crying. I don't think this is helping. I just want more ice cream, even though this is something that even Ben & Jerry's can't fix. And before now, I didn't think that was possible.

Dammit, Prentice, why'd you have to get yourself hurt? I don't care if the moonlark fixes the world or whatever, you were my world. (That sounds ridiculously cheesy. But it's not like you're around to laugh at me. I wish you were around to laugh at me.)

Fuck you. I know it's not your fault, I know you were just trying to help and that you never wanted the worst to happen. It's not your fault, but fuck you, fuck you for leaving me. Didn't you know how much you meant to me? You had to have known. I'm sorry if I didn't tell you that enough. Who am I kidding, of course it wasn't enough. It never would have been, because I never wanted to tell you I loved you for the last time. But if there had to be a last time, I wanted it to be later. I wanted to tell you at least one more time. Just one more "I love you," one more kiss, one more day together. Fuck you for leaving me without that.

I'm pissed at you, I guess. It's not just you. I'm pissed at everything. Alden Vacker, obviously, and the council. Quinlin. Forkle. Me, I'm pissed at myself. Hell, I'm pissed at the pen I'm writing this with. I just hate everything.

Writing this did not help. I still hate everything. I still feel like I'm being strangled or stabbed or whatever poetic shit people use to describe grief. This was a stupid idea.

I barely survived a week without you, Prentice, how the fuck am I gonna survive a lifetime of this?

Xe shoved the paper away before falling tears made it even more illegible. Then he threw the pen across the room. The thud it made against the wall was kind of satisfying. Not satisfying enough. Xe stuffed the letter in a drawer where xe wouldn't have to think about it more.

--

Prentice,

Why am I doing this? I guess the last letter did help. Not that I'll ever repeat that.

So maybe this was more healthy than making himself sick on cookies and cream. It still felt stupid. But xe was out of ice cream now and too emotionally drained to go to the store, so this was xyr best option.

In character for my trademark shitty memory (you used to tease me for that, i'd kill for you to tease me again), I keep forgetting you're gone. Which is weird, since losing you feels like there's this giant gaping hole in my life. Like I've lost a limb or something. But according to Livvy, who's a smart doctor person so I'm gonna trust cer on this one, people who lose a limb still sometimes feel like it's still attached, like they could swear it's still there, but it's not. It's called a phantom limb. I guess that's what my brain is doing with you, stupid brain.

I mean, having a phantom you is better than no you at all. But also, it really really sucks to get punched in the face by reality and remember.

Someone will say something funny and I'll go "Prentice would find this hilarious, I have to go tell him" and I'll be happy for about three seconds before I'm left more heartbroken then before. Or I'll wake up in the middle of the night and it's really fucking cold, so I'll think "Prentice is warm, I'm gonna go hug Prentice" and then it feels like I've been stabbed.

I think my favorite part of the day is just when I wake up. Ironic, I know, since you always have had- was it weird to start crying over verb tense?- a horrible time convincing me to get out of bed in the morning and usually you'd have to bribe me with pancakes. But yeah, I guess I like waking up in the morning now. Awake enough that I can think straight (not that anything i ever do is straight. get it? haha. puns. this is not a good way to cope), but asleep enough that my memory is still hazy.

So in the first thirty seconds to a minute, I think you're still here. I still think you're on the other side of the bed, or maybe downstairs making breakfast. There's no distinction between early mornings Before and early mornings After, because I'm too sleepy to remember After.

And then I remember, and that's my least favorite part of the day.

Love, Tiergan.

Yeah, so, that one didn't really make him feel better. It honestly just made everything worse. Grief was easier to cope with when xe just tried to stop feeling things. Ignoring it altogether was impossible, missing Prentice was just... everywhere, it took over everything. But it was easier to try to just feel less of it. Feeling all of it was too much. Unfortunately, he was now feeling all of it. So, the obvious solution was to sleep. Because maybe xe would forget when xe was asleep. And maybe everything would be okay for a few moments when he woke up.

--

Stupid as it felt, xe decided to keep writing to Prentice. It was like writing in a journal, except he was pretending that the words would be received by his as-good-as-dead boyfriend. Well, when Tiergan put it like that, it sounded really depressing. But it was just... talking to Prentice, like when they would pass notes in boring Telepathy classes, or Black Swan meetings where Forkle wouldn't shut up. And xe didn't have to think about how he would never respond to xem. He would anyway, because his brain was annoying as fuck, but... it did help. Again, xe would never admit that.Sometimes he would just write some lighthearted shit. Xe missed lighthearted times with him. Now, thinking about Prentice was usually heavy and painful, but it used to be that they could just pointlessly banter for hours and he would braid xyr hair and xe would laugh until xyr throat hurt. (Damn, he missed that.)

Dear Prentice,

Fuck Alden.

That's it. That's the letter.

XOXO Tiergan.

And sometimes xe would write to pass along good news, as if he could still celebrate with xem.

Dear Prentice,

Wylie started Foxfire today. They really hate the capes in the uniform. Aww, they take after you. They're also ridiculously smart. Definitely didn't take after you in that regard, we can probably thank Cyrah. Wylie's really excited, but also pretty sad that you're not here to see them. I'm sad too, but that's nothing new, I'm always sad. I'm happy too, though. I'm happy for them. You'd be really happy too.I don't know. I know you aren't receiving these or anything, but I guess it's nice to pretend that I'm actually telling you this. It's something you'd want to hear, you'd be really proud of them.

Love, Tiergan.

And sometimes Tiergan would write when everything went to shit, even shittier when it was normally. That's what he did, right? If it was all just a storm of misery, and xe was completely lost, xe'd still find xyr way back to him. Because when they were together, things were- they weren't okay, but they were slightly easier. He'd take what he could get. So xe would find Prentice when xe was lost and scared and upset and all the bad emotions in the dictionary. Except Prentice wasn't here anymore, so his next best option was a piece of paper that wouldn't respond.

Again, xe'd take what xe could get.

Prentice,

Prentice, fuck, you have to come back and get magically healed or whatever. I don't know what to do. I have no fucking clue what I'm doing. You have to come back, because I need you, because Cyrah died is gone and I'm adopting Wylie and I love the kid to death but I can't do this, Prentice. It's not like I'm gonna try to fuck Wylie up but I probably will anyway. I don't know how to be a father, I don't really know how to do any of this- I can barely take care of myself, how am I supposed to take care of a kid? I'm really sorry if I end up making things even worse for your kid. Our kid? Shit. Shit shit shit. And Cyrah's gone and I miss her and Wylie's devastated, obviously, and I want to help them but I also really want to just go back to blasting the Beatles and crying in my room. It was horrible when you were gone but at least I had her, and now I'm just alone and I have to raise a kid who's already been through so much and I'm going to be so bad at this. Fuck I'm just rambling and this isn't doing anything or helping and dammit, it's so stupid, but writing to you is the closest I can get to you and Prentice, I really need you right now, I can't do this without you, I just- fuck.

That was a really fun time in his life, wasn't it?

--

The letters slowly got less... whatever that was. Not exactly cheerful, never cheerful, but a little better.

Dear Prentice,

So, Alden came by to give some half-assed apology, and I maybe accidentally just snapped and punched him in the face. I am a terrible example for Wylie. But they found it pretty funny. It was pretty funny. Should I feel bad about that? Should I feel bad that I don't feel bad? Whatever. He'll be fine.

-Tiergan

Xe was actually almost happy when xe talked about Wylie. The kid was great. (It was really fucking sad that Prentice wasn't around to see that, but that wasn't the point.)

Dear Prentice,

Wylie manifested as a Flasher. They're pretty talented. Got that from Cyrah, probably, since they sure as hell didn't get that from you. They like making rainbows. I think that means the Gay Agenda is working. They also make a lot of nonbinary flags- they're nonbinary, I can't remember if I put that in one of those letters already, cause I don't reread these, but yeah. Wylie's nonbinary. Sad they never got to tell you, but I made sure they knew that you would support the hell out of them.

Love, Tiergan.

When he first met the moonlark- Sophie, her name was Sophie- he felt something weird. Hope? It'd been a while. Xe wrote to him almost immediately, because it was stupid, but honestly it did help. And maybe, with Sophie, he'd eventually be able to talk to Prentice in a way that involved talking and didn't involve that fucking pen.

Prentice,

The moonlark finally came to the Lost Cities. Her name's Sophie. I'm her telepathy mentor, apparently. So I guess I'm going back to teaching. She seems nice enough- really powerful. Was she worth you... getting exiled? Writing that out did not feel good. Especially in pen, where it was permanent. Definitely not. But it's not her fault, so I won't take it out on her. Maybe I'll just punch Alden again. For legal reasons, that's a joke.

Pros of mentoring Sophie: I do still kinda like teaching. She's got perfect mental barriers and can transmit from what looks like any distance, so definitely a pleasure to have in class. I'm in charge of her telepathy training so I can maybe nudge her in the "heal my boyfriend" direction.

Cons: I have to dress up for Foxfire, apparently I can't just show up in a Beatles t-shirt. Blatant homophobia. Love loses. And she insists on calling me Sir Tiergan, which is overly formal and also not a good gender feeling.

Sophie's definitely good at what she was designed for, so it's not like you sacrificed yourself for nothing. And maybe it's gonna work, maybe we'll get you back. I really hope so.

Love, Tiergan.

And then, more hope, when she managed to heal Alden's broken mind.

Prentice,

I think I'm actually going to get you back, this is the first time in... ever that I've been this optimistic, but I think there's a decent chance. Alden Vacker's mind broke, since he felt guilty about everything. Which, at least he regrets it? I still don't forgive him, and it's not like that erases anything, but I guess I hate him a little less. Maybe to the point of, I can have a civil conversation with him but that doesn't mean I'll like it.

But yeah, his mind broke, and it took a little while, but Sophie brought him back.

It works. It's possible. It's actually possible. We're gonna get you back, Prentice, it's going to be okay.

After the Black Swan managed to very definitely legally get Prentice back from Exile, Tiergan was reminded of why xe didn't like optimism. Because it usually ended in disappointment. Because they got Prentice back, almost, they were so close, but he was unconscious and unresponsive and he wasn't really back at all. Still in a coma, just in a different location.

Prentice,

Wake up. I fully recognize the irony of this, of me yelling at you to wake up, but please.

It's really great to have you back. To see you again. You look like shit. No offense, but after you're in prison in the center of the earth for thirteen years (not that I'm counting), and I don't think they have baths down there, you look like shit. It's still really good to see you.

And Prentice, I got to hug you. I know, I know, I don't even like hugs that much most of the time? But dammit, after thirteen years, I really wanted to hug you. So I did. It was very one sided, but I had you in my arms. It was so familiar and at the same time really strange.

I think until now, Sophie and her friends were under the impression that I wanted you to be healed because back in the day we were very close, totally platonic friends. Just bros being bros. I kind of wonder if anyone still believes that. It would be very funny if it weren't very disappointing to remember that heteronormativity is a thing that exists.

You're back, but you're really not. It really sucked to get my hopes up only to have them crushed again. This is why it's best to just always assume the worst.

I still have a little hope that you'll get better eventually. It's pretty small. But it is there, I don't know what I'd do without it.

Love, Tiergan.

--

That was the last time Tiergan added a new letter to the messy pile in one of his desk drawers. Because now, xe didn't have to just glare at xyr pen until it wrote everything xe wished xe could say to Prentice. He could just say it now. And everything xe ever wrote just disappeared from xyr mind. What did you say to the man who was basically your husband for the first time you saw him in over a decade of him being basically dead? There should have been a guidebook for this shit.

"I really fucking missed you," he ended up choking out.

Prentice smiled and opened his arms up slowly, hesitantly. Tiergan didn't hesitate at all to launch xemself into his arms. "It's okay. I'm here now. I'm okay."

"I love you." He'd wished he could say I love you just one more time. Fucking finally.

"I love you too."

And it wasn't great, at first. They were all still pretty broken. With Cyrah, thirteen years, and a decent portion of Prentice's memory gone. It was kind of shitty, but Prentice was mostly back, and this was so much better than a sheet of paper that couldn't respond. Xe could try to help him remember everything, rambling about the two of them Before because apparently xyr memory saved that but not the information for history exams.

They got married. It wasn't exactly what one might call legal, and they didn't get the tax benefits or whatever. But a mildly exasperated Forkle pronounced them husband and husband and they kissed and Wylie yelled "About fucking time!"

(He kind of wondered if Sophie had figured it out yet.)

One day, Tiergan's group of accidentally adopted kids were out shopping together, and xe was lying on xyr bed, trying to procrastinate entering grades for xyr students. Currently, his procrastination method was catching his husband (damn, he loves that phrase) up on human music, and Prentice was having none of it. He was searching through xyr horribly disorganized desk to find the papers xe should be working on and force xem to actually work on them.

He held up a sheet of lined paper, slightly crumpled, that does not look like boring Foxfire paperwork. "Hey, Tiergan, what's this?"

"You think I can read my own handwriting?"

"'Dear Prentice, hi. This is stupid,'" he read.

Oh. That. Tiergan had almost forgotten he'd done that. Xe liked to write the letters and then try to ignore their existence, because the letters were just pain spilled onto a page, and xe really wanted to ignore the pain too. And he hadn't had the reason to think about that in a while. Xe fidgeted with xyr cape as Prentice's eyes scanned the writing. Finally, he set it down on the table.

"Damn."

"Yeah."

"Tiergan, I'm so sorry I-"

"No, I. Um. Don't apologize. I mean, yeah, I was mad at you, but that doesn't mean you did anything wrong, you know? I was mad at the pen."

"Maybe the pen really was behind everything bad that's ever happened to you."

He breathed a shaky laugh. "Probably."

"I really am sorry, though, that you had to go through all that-"

"It's okay," xe interrupted.

"No. It's not."

He didn't have a very good response to that. Eventually, xe said "I have other letters. Same drawer. You don't have to read them, but if you're like, wondering how I was when you were..." he swallowed. "Um, they're there. I don't remember what half of them say. They're probably horribly depressing, though."

"Probably," he muttered.

"Losing you really sucked."

"I'm here now, okay? We're together. I promise I'm not gonna leave you again."

"Oh, you won't. If you do I'll bring you back just to kill you myself." Xe grinned, and Prentice kissed xem on the forehead, and maybe xe was pretty fucked up, but not so fucked up that xe'd never be okay.

--

Dear Prentice,

I've written you a lot of really sad letters over the years, so now I feel obligated to write a happy one.

Do you remember how we met? It's okay if you don't. Maybe you've been pretending that it was super romantic, with candlelight and music in the background or some shit. Yeah, so, in reality, we both had to stay after school for Alchemy tutoring. And I maybe accidentally almost killed you in an explosion. I regret nothing. You were convinced to start up a conversation with the kid who nearly burned your face off, and we started talking, and then we started sitting together at lunch, and then I fell in love with you.I'm really really glad I suck at Alchemy.

Do you remember the first time I said I loved you? Honestly, I don't. It was probably super embarrassing, so it's okay if you forgot that one. But you better not forget that I love you, because I will be reminding you constantly, and it will be very annoying.Love, Tiergan.

He set the pen down and smiled.

[oikawaplssteponme]

PART 12 | previously: part 11 | masterlist

pairing: Katsuki Bakugou x fem! reader

ratings/warnings: swearing

synopsis: When UA’s hot heads, Katsuki Bakugou and you, are forced to put your hatred for each other aside and plan the third year Prom, things end up getting a little heated...

a/n: hi hi!! ahh im so sorry for getting this out later than expected! i had finals this past week so i was pretty busy, but all good now :)) 💕 enjoy xx

•

twelve: wear this please

After you had fully calmed down, Iida helped you carry the remaining boxes from the basement over to the venue. The rest of your friends were already there to lend a hand.

“Sorry I'm late guys. Um okay, I need about four people to help set up the chairs and tables and about four people again helping with decorations. Everyone else can help with cleaning. I can take care of the other stuff,” you explained. Your friends nodded and dispersed among themselves. You went up to the balcony in hopes of setting up the lighting system as best as you could.

The balcony was dark. You looked down at your friends. You watched as Iida and Deku speedily set up the tables and chairs. You saw Mina and Aoyama argue over the order of the streamers. Soon, another scene caught your eye. Kirishima was arranging the tables as well, placing the tablecloths and centerpieces in their desired places.

Then, the one person you didn’t want to see most of all entered the gym. Bakugou stomped over to Kirishima, grabbed him by the collar and led him outside the gym. You watched as Bakugou left with Kirishima.

Uh okay then...

You sighed. Silly of you to hope that he would come talk to you after what happened. Still, your focus needed to be on the dance, not Bakugou.

You finished organizing the lights before heading back down to the main floor. You waved your friends over.

“Thanks again for your help everyone. No way I would’ve been able to get this all done in time by myself,” You said.

“We were happy to help Y/N!” smiled IIda.

“Well, everything looks pretty good. I’m just gonna do some final touches. You’re free to go and get ready,” you explained. Your friends nodded.

“Are you sure you’ve got this Y/N? I don’t mind staying back to help,” insisted Deku. You shook your head.

“No that's okay. Anyway, I want some stuff to be a surprise for everyone,” you insisted. Deku nodded, leaving with the rest of the group.

You looked around the theatre, rubbing your eyes. You took a deep breath and began to set up the photo booth.

~

[One week earlier]

“You know what we should use the leftover money for?” Bakugou looked at you, raising a brow.

“What dumbass?”

“A photo booth!”

“That’s stupid,” groaned Bakugou. You huffed. You went over to Bakugou and stood behind him. You held a magazine and placed it in front of Bakugou’s face, your arms resting on his shoulders.

“We wouldn’t get a shitty one. We could do an open photo booth where you have one backdrop and an actual photographer. Look how cute.”

You had the magazine opened up to a life-size prop heart. The heart lit up with those old-school Hollywood light bulbs and it was a vibrant shade of red.

“I think it would be a good finishing touch. People could take pictures in front of it with their dates or friends and make stupid memories. We could even get some lowerclassman to take the pictures,” you explained.

Bakugou took the magazine from your hand to take a closer look. You left your arms on his shoulders.

“I can’t really say no to you can I?”

“Nope!”

“Fine, if it makes you that happy, we can get it princess,” he said. You gave Bakugou a squeeze.

“Thank you Katsuki!”

~

You stared at the silly prop piece. At the time, you were beyond excited for it. You thought it would really tie the decorations together. Now, it just reminded you of Bakugou. This whole Prom reminded you of him. Crazy how one second you were on top of the world with him and the next you’ve hit rock bottom. Maybe three hours had passed since you overheard Bakugou in the common area. Maybe five? Regardless, you were ready for today to be over. Maybe things going back to normal was for the better. After all, that's what you expected what would happen. You just didn’t think it would hurt this bad.

You dragged the large prop over to it’s designated area. You pinned up the gold ‘firework’ backdrop behind it and set up the camera stand. The banner reading “My Emotions Feel Like Explosions When You’re Around” hung up on the backdrop. You read that sentence about ten times. What annoyed you most about it was how it taunted you. Those words. Those words perfectly described how you felt about a certain someone, and you hated it.

We really just had to pick the longest title possible.

You finished organizing the small details, making sure everything was nicely in place. You checked the time. It was a little past 4pm. The dance starts at 9pm. You were supposed to meet the girls in your class to get ready together. You locked up the theatre and headed back to the dorms.

~

“There you are! We were gonna start getting ready,” said Mina as you entered the dorms.

“Mina, we have like five hours. Why are you getting ready now?” You asked.

“Pictures and dinner are at 7, so really we have about 3 hours,” explained Mina. You sighed.

“Okay okay I’ll grab my stuff and head down.” You went over to your room but stopped in front of the door.

What the…

In front of your door there was a small clear box with a note on it. When you realized what was inside the box, your heart dropped a little. You sighed, and picked up the box. Inside there was a corsage made with black and white roses.

The note read: ‘wear this please’.

Your eyes began to water a little and you couldn’t understand why. You entered your room, still looking at the corsage and note. ‘Wear this please’. The ‘please’ ending the sentence is what threw you off. The note was typed, so there was no way to tell from handwriting. Why would they say please? If it were Bakugou who wrote it, it would make more sense for him to write ‘wear this dumbass’. But who else would think to give you a corsage, and one that matched your dress. You wiped your eyes, setting the box down on your nightstand.

God damn it Katsuki.

You regrouped yourself and started to grab everything you’d need to get ready. You picked up your dress, makeup bag, shoes, and the little clear box. You weren’t sure if you would actually wear it, but you thought there is no harm in bringing it.

You stepped outside your room with all your things, seeing that your friends were waiting for you. You all had decided to get ready together in the dressing rooms that the school uses for plays.

“Alright, let’s go ladies!”

~

You set down your things on the dressing room counter and hung up your dress.

“Y/N, I love your corsage!” smiled Mina, pointing to the small box.

“Oh uh thanks. Decided to get myself one,” you lied.

“Okay, I need someone to help me curl my hair!” said Momo. You laughed.

“I can help.” Your friends all began to get ready. Makeup, hair spray, and perfume filled the air. You were never one to care too much about dressing up but something about doing it with your friends put a smile on your face. You continued to curl Momo’s hair and looked around as your friends pampered themselves.

All this for a 3 hour dance?

“I hope they play a few slow songs,” gushed Uraraka.

“Not like you’d have the guts to ask anyone to dance though,” teased Jirou. Uraraka crossed her arms.

“Maybe I will!”

“Slow dancing is so awkward,” you laughed.

“I think it’s cute,” said Uraraka.

“Jirou you do know Kaminari is gonna ask you to dance,” joked Momo. Jirou laughed.

“If his hands stray for even a second you can bet he will be short-circuited for the rest of the night.”

After you had made yourself ‘Prom ready’ it was time to slip on your dress. You loved your dress, it was your favorite thing about this whole Prom situation.

“Zip me up?” You asked Momo. The zipper glided up your back, securing you in your dress.

“This dress was made for you Y/N, you look stunning,” smiled Momo. Your face got warm.

“Says you, you look gorgeous.”

“We all do!” Cheered Mina. Everyone looked picture perfect.

“So? Ready to go?” asked Jirou. You looked over at your clear box. You took it, opened it, and slipped the corsage over your wrist.

“Yup. Let’s do this.”

•

[taglist CLOSED: @vangoghpoets @vangoghmusings @bokutory @complimentaryhugsgirl @cloudswriting @kriswu46 @neodnyl @evivn1 @jazzylove @mileven-reddie @whalerus @misssugarless @random-fandom-girl-24 @fanfiction-and-stress @ushiwakatrash @minhoswife @addictofsupernatural @the-shota-king-masayuki @freyafolkvangr @fourteenow @tamaguchi @lalayy @athenarosaline @blxck-coffee @katsukibabe @thatonegeekchick @that-chick212 @bibly @nxynxy @theunknownrandom @flustered-blue-eyed-sex-muffin @94potterhead @moonlightaangel @katusukisbitch2000 @secondchoicealwaysandforever @salsaedx @ukaisgratefulwhore @lucyheartfilias-wife @lanaxians-2 if your name is bold I couldn’t tag you]

[xeo-kunsatan]

Dissatisfied One shot +14 (Part 1)

Warning

This story contains sexual themes, Domestic abuse themes, Toxic relationships, Suicide, cigarettes use, bad words and prostitution references. If you are sensitive or underage please don't read this story.

Dissatisfied.... i don't think it's difficult to found out why do i feel like that..

I wasn't always being the inappropriate whore my grandmother or even my uncle used to call me.. I was supposed to be a innocent child.. tsk yeah.. an innocent child with the shitty luck of having such a shattered family and a stupid child with the shitty luck of having a pedophile as teacher who tried to rape him when the bastard child was just 10.

It's alright.. I guess.. I just woke up in the bed from one of my classmates, let's say he wanted a fun night so I accepted to gave him pleasure.. at least he paid me money so I can leave this room, .. but that didn't satisfied me.. nor even filled me.

I taked my stuff making sure he didn't woke up too but he still..

Rocky: Hey Bunny~, are you leaving to soon?~.

Bradley: Are you Horny again? we did it for almost 2 hours the last night, if you want to continue you most pay again.

Rocky: I have not enough money

Bradley: *change on his clothes* Then I have nothing to do here

Rocky: Tsk, you lost...

Bradley: Lost what? *Sarcastic Chuckle* Your "Buddy" is just bigger than mine, is not the big thing..

Rocky: *chuckles* As if you were that hot~.

Bradley: *takes his backpack* You didn't said that that night.

I left that room, that guy seemed mad by my comment, I can't help it, they still see me as the bastard son of the fire ghost which mess with their city but they actually desires me to gives them the pleasure that a girl or anyone else can't gave them..

I was walking through the hallways, then suddenly someone touched my hand to catch my attention, it was that big blue guy who uses to play American football, another client more.

Bradley: Unwin? Are you sure about this? You didn't had a girlfriend?

Unwin: Well yes.. i have a girlfriend, she asked me to do it one day but I'm not ready to do it nor even i have no idea about how to do it.

Bradley: so.. your first Time?

Unwin: Yep..

Bradley: alright.. we will do it this night, don't forget you have to pay for the fun night, i will teach you how to do it.

Unwin: Ok.. thanks man, Heheh now I see why people calls you Bunny, and not just for being little~ *leaves quickly while he was laughing at Bradley* Slut~.

Bradley: But Rabbits are cute...

After that I went to the school restrooms to take a quick bath to at least go to classes without any boy smell.

Since when i thought that this shit was a good idea?.. why did i thought that this would make me feel complete or even satisfied? I questioned myself while the shower drops were falling on my face.

I have a lot of missed calls from my uncle who is surely mad instead of worried by not arriving at the round house.

I dried myself quickly to then change my clothing and go to classes in time, at my seat I saw him.. Skeebo, after that day it's not the same being next to him. He used to bully me by the same old shit as the others but he stopped since that day I saved his life and i snapped to that lemon head which calls himself hero for a nonsense reason.

If you are asking why the heck I was selling my body like this if I have a traumatic event related with this?

I will answer your question, hate me or not depends of you, I will explain.

First my uncle is a hypocritical stingy, he will not give me any fucking money not even for a candy, he just gives money to my cousin, understandable, and the stupid lemon for his mediocre work.

The second reason... Everything happened in a normal school day (yes, after I got Skeebo's respect), also a normal day of ghost attack, there was a new ghost around the netherworld, this one has a weird power which makes everyone Who touches him or is slimed by him, that person ends into a lust state, it was easy to recognize when he attacked someone...at least for me, he has peculiar smell to Cherries, Strawberries and... saliva.

I didn't had to hide, the ghosts didn't attacked me as always, that lemon ball was around eating them and burping their eyes. That clumsy Pac crashed against me and suddenly Skeebo which was running away locking us in a locker by accident.

Bradley: shit...

Skeebo: Arghh!.. that lemon head!!...

Bradley: *sighs*....

Skeebo: are we in a girl's locker?.. this place smells good~

Bradley:*sniffs*... Oh.. shit.. we are not in a girl's locker...It's my locker....

Skeebo:*sniffs on Bradley's hair* is it you? You smell so good~

Bradley: Well my perfume used to be from my older sister, and i use Pactene Shampoo because my uncle has lots of them for my cousin and me, so it has sense.

Skeebo: It's still so good~

Bradley: fuck fuck fuck fuck... Skeebo.. you were infected by a lust ghost.. and you will not snap from that state until you....

Skeebo: me what?~

Bradley:... *Sighs* i-i.. I'm still scared for t-this... But.. just do it with me... D-d-dont worry.. you will not remember any of this moments...

Skeebo: you're so cute~ you're so sweet~..

Bradley: Ok i think he lost the control short time ago..damn it..

Then Skeebo slowly was ripping off my virginity.. I thought it would hurt as when that awful man tried to do to me.. but... This time.. I felt different.. I felt.. strange... i was embarrassed.. it hurted but I liked it..I don't know how nor why...He where keep going for 1 hour until he ended inside me.. for me it was difficult to still up but that feeling was too difficult to describe... Did I feel satisfaction?.. is this what am I looking for to feel full, did I feel good for at least one time of my life, he finally snapped out that state he didn't understand what happened and suddenly the locker door opened, I was a little naked so I acted quickly and transformed myself into a rabbit to escape from a already embarrassing moment leaving him with the shame. Because of me everyone saw Skeebo half-naked and stained in with his own fluids.

Ms Globular: Mr Spheros.. Mr Skeebo! Wake up!

Bradley: Huh!?...

Skeebo: What!?

Almost Everyone laugh about that.. specially to Skeebo

Ms Globular: Please focus yourself in the exam.

Bradley:..*sighs* yes Ms Globular..

Rocky: what's wrong Skeebo aren't you playing with your "buddy" again?

Izod: Yeah, please don't splash us~

Skeebo: *blushed and mad* you 2 shut up!

Yep... also that day was even worst for Skeebo than the day became into Heebo-Skeebo, he was even a bigger mock for almost all the students, it was my fault by running away as a coward..

Izod: Or what?

Bradley: Do you have any idea about how pathetic you look making fun with a guy because of an embarrassing moment he clearly wants to forget?

Rocky: You have no rights to speak slut!

Skeebo: Don't call him slut!

Izod: Aww the Sper-Man is defending the Play-Bun?.

Bradley: So sad that the sizes of your "Buddies" are not that good enough to compensate your lack of brain..

Ms Globular: That's enough you 4!! If you don't quit speaking that dirty stuff in the class i will send you to detention!

Izod/Rocky: Fine Ms Globular..

Bradley: Alright Ms...

Skeebo: *sighs*

The School Bell rings

It was now lunch time, i wasn't hungry so i left to the school yard to smoke a cigarette, a cherry one, I'm allergic to the normals.

Bradley: *sighs*

"Can i sit with you?" - a voice sounded..

It was Lexy Soto, one of my classmates and the most popular in the school for being so kind with all and bringing desserts from his Dad's restaurant also one of the most famous restaurants in Pacopolis), for it Lexy is really respected and beloved here, especially for that Lemon Ball.

Lexy always left a single meal for me and comes to me to give me company, it's still incredible that he is my friend without caring about my Dad's actions, did Latins are like this?

Bradley: Sure Lexy.

Lexy: Good, *sits to him* i noticed that you weren't in the Cafeteria so i left this cupcake for you.

Bradley: Thanks Lexy, you don't had to do it.

Lexy: I have to, Weon

Bradley:*smiles a little and takes the cupcake* Thanks Lexy, *bites it* Hmm~ is so sweet and soft.

Lexy: Chocolate with raspberry cream.

Bradley: Also.. let me guess, did you put ice cream for the cream?

Lexy: You got me.

Bradley: I knew it!

Lexy: *giggles*... *Starts sniffing Bradley* where selling your body again!?.

Bradley: Oh shit.. you got me

Lexy: Bradley, please you don't have to do it..

Bradley: Lexy, i don't have money to buy any stuff i need, and my uncle doesn't give me a shit.

Lexy: And i thought that presidents in Latin America are awful.. but please... You don't have to do it if you don't like it..

Bradley: That's the problem Lexy.. I think like it..but I hate to do it with that bastards.

Lexy: How you can like that awfull thing?...

Bradley: Because I'm sick Lexy..I know i am sick...but i can't cry for help.. because my uncle will not understand..

Lexy: I could ask my Dad to help you but.. i don't want to bother him...

Bradley: *pets him*... Lexy.. you don't have to do it... Maybe i could be sick.. but i will be okay.

Lexy: *starts sobbing* You're lying!... You are not okay! You said that you would be okay but that's not true.. i know you are suffering.. and it... It worries me a lot!! *Cries*

Bradley:...it's because that awful neighbor did to you, right?

Lexy: !!..

Bradley:*hugs Lexy* I'm sorry... I didn't mean to worry you like this.. maybe it would hurt but.. If something happens to me.. i already have a place in the netherworld with my Dad..

Lexy: If Pacopolis were your home too...

Bradley: Even if i live in netherworld, we would still be friends.

Lexy: At least.. please found a solution...

Bradley: I promise I will try.. *dries Lexy's tears* cheer up BerryPie.

Lexy: you most be the one who most smile first Cabro Culiao!..

Bradley: Heh..*smiles* sorry, like this?

Lexy: *cheers* much better~

6:00 pm

The school And clubs activities ended, Lexy have left to his home early to help out his father with his job as always, it was getting late and time to start my job with that moron, so i left the reading club (Club Wich has a single one member, me) to meet up with that guy i just forgot his name and i don't give a care in remember it.

Unwin: Finally..

Bradley: we will do this quickly, i have to go back to the round house.. i have piano practice at 8:00 pm.

Unwin: All you have to do is please me..

Bradley: just if you pay the price, if you don't i will make sure one of my boys to torment you, got it?

Unwin:*sighs* fine!..*pays him 10 Pac Dollars*

Bradley: Good Boy~.

And well i did it with him as i did with the rest of the boys from Maze High (Except by Pac and Spiral, dude i have my limits, i can't leave that stinky lemon to touch me, and Spiral, i know he likes Pacster since long, it's kinda obvious and i prefer them to have that experience by theirselfs) but ..i didn't felt nothing similar to that curious feeling i felt with him.. it wasn't the same.. but it wasn't possible.. even after he ended as a mock because of me.. i would not be able to stand the guilt...

7:00 pm

By finishing, i just put in my clothing to take my stuff and left the dorms, it was almond late for my classes and even worst i was having a lot of walking problems, fortunately or well.. unfortunately my uncle's limousine arrived next to me And taked me to the round house, the bodyguards didn't looked at me in any moment.. it was uncomfortable.. when we arrived to the round house, there was my uncle waiting for me, he seemed completely mad.

Bradley: *sighs*..

Stratos: Bradley..Where the heck you have been!? Why you didn't come back to home yesterday!? Or not even answered my calls!!??... And ugh!.. what's that awful smell!!??

Bradley: Do you care?.

Stratos: wait.. don't tell me you where sleeping with a guy!!?

Bradley: So what!?, If i was sleeping with someone or i was making out with someone, that's not of your business!!

Stratos: of course it's my business to take care of you!

Bradley: As it was your business to take care of my dad when he needed you more than anything... You cared so much of me that you left me with grandmother!

Stratos: It wasn't that bad!

Bradley: That Bad...It wasn't..That Bad!? I was her fucking Boxing bag and used me to turn off her cigarettes

Stratos: You are exaggerating, she was educating you to be a disciplined and decent man!.

Bradley: So sad, it didn't work..

Stratos: It was for you could not end like your father.

Bradley: Should I'll remember you the boiling water cup she threw me in that Barbecue in the round house by "Accident?

Stratos: Agh just go inside and take a bath right now!.. don't let Cedrick see you!.

Bradley: Whatever...

Yep the same old shit of always... I taked another bath and went to my room, i was so tired, Quartzy was sleeping on my lap to comfort me.. but i still had to play that piano.. so i get up to go to the piano room.. my Uncle wasn't there... that was a good thing, that means he would not bother me.

So i sat in that sit and taked a cherry cigarette from a box i use to hide from my uncle and cousin.

I smoke one of them while I was playing a soft melody in the piano..I was losing myself in my thoughts and the music.. then suddenly someone entered in.

Cedrick: Hey Brad!

Bradley:*throws the cigarette through the window* Oh, hi Cedrick

Cedrick: what where you eating?...

Bradley: oh, it was nothing.

Cedrick: Oke, can I stay with you? I love how you play the piano :D.

Bradley: Alright little bud.

So I played a melodies for my little cousin, I didn't wanted him to see me like this..

I'm at least a little alright if my cousins, my people, my sister, Buttler and my Dad are alright too.. maybe.

Lately when I was close to Skeebo I was feeling something unusual.. like a hungry.. hungry for his virility, hungry for his touch.. I sounded like a monster... I'm sorry..

Suddenly i felt that someone was calling me.

[samtheflamingomain]

25.21%

I've been sober for 3 months today. 92 days. 25.21% of 2021.

I could've posted more updates, more milestones (it took a LOT not to post on Day 69) but I wanted to kind of save it up for a Big Day. It was also a decent way to continue to incentivize my continued sobriety: a full pass to do a shameless, hardcore bragging sesh.

Anyway, this post comes in 2 parts: the TL;DR for those who only want the gist, then more in depth on my ability to stay sober, the lasting effects of rehab, etc.

I tried my damnedest to pare this absolute novel down, but it's long, so feel free to dip out if you just get bored. Onward!

TL;DR: I went to rehab the beginning of July for 3 weeks and haven't had a drop of alcohol since. I've lost weight, I'm more healthy, my daily anxiety level went from 8 to 2, I haven't had an anxiety attack in 3 months, and everything generally just seems... easier. My memory and concentration have improved. I've been productive and I've been meditating every day. I'm saving money, and while I sometimes fantasize about getting drunk, that's usually all it is.

Honestly, it's been much easier than I expected, but I think a lot of that is because for the first 3 weeks, the time in which I would usually break down and start drinking again when trying to get sober myself, was spent behind a locked door. So far I haven't had any days where I was close to giving in. I haven't had many days where I've been depressed about it, missing it or really tempted. Maybe 3-4. I've basically just gotten on with my life as if alcohol doesn't exist.

To wrap up the short version for those ready to peace out, I'll leave it with a bit of advice.

I don't feel qualified to give any specific advice, because my story feels very unique to me, and I honestly don't think what worked for me will work for MOST people. Sometimes people spend a year in rehab and still drive straight to the liquor store on their way home.

That said, there's one thing that I've found pretty universally true: you have to really want it. For a while, I floated about without much of a "reason" to stay sober. I don't have a spouse, kids or a job I've been fired from, so I didn't see the point.

It's taken me a while, but after not being "convinced" by a few superficial "reasons" like weight loss and saving money, I thought I needed something more... permanent? Consequential? I now realize that my "reason" for getting sober at a young age after only a few years of alcoholism is that I don't want it to get to a point where I'm hurting other people, drinking myself into multiple lasting health problems... I don't want it to become permanent or consequential.

Anyway, that's my two cents. If you do have something like kids or trouble keeping a job, definitely use that as your reason. But for anyone who's a pretty "functional" alcoholic like I was, "not letting it go on long enough to become disfunctional" is a good enough reason.

This is going to get stupid long, so feel free to walk away now, just glad you read this much and it really does mean the world when people listen to what I have to say.

Now some more things in depth. I'll go in chronological order: what made me get sober, what I took from rehab (and what I left), and how it's been the past few months.

I started drinking when I got kicked out, manic out of my mind and homeless unable to sleep. It took a while until I was able to sleep without alcohol, but by then the addict brain had taken over. I'd tried a few times to get sober myself, but I never made it more than a week without, and always got back to daily drinking after a few months maximum.

Some people need a "wake up call", a "last straw" or a "rock bottom". Something external to make them realize they can't go on as they are. For me, the catalyst was my health, which is more of an internal reason I suppose. I didn't have a heart attack or liver failure, but my anxiety was getting uncontrollable and I knew it was directly tied to my drinking.

My life had been starting to feel tolerable, and I was more financially secure than ever before. Things were looking up... except for the alcoholism. This is a weird analogy but the only one that makes sense to express why, if I was doing so well on paper, I decided to go to rehab: you have to sweep before you mop. If I hadn't been in the place I was, I don't think I would've been successful at rehab. I had to sweep up the cat turds from the floor of my life before I was able to mop up the shit stains with sobriety. I know, I'm a true wordsmith.

When I finally called the hotline that hooked me up with a bunch of different rehabs, I knew I was in for a wait. It was about 5 months from that call to checking in, which isn't too bad considering I've been on the waitlist for a neuropsychiatrist in ALL OF CANADA for 4 years.

That brings us to July 12th, Rehab Day One. I've gone in depth in multiple other posts but to touch on it briefly, if I had to describe my experience in a sentence I'd say "the place I went to got very lucky with me".

What this means is that, of the 5 people in my group, I think this exact program was only ever going to help me. At the same time, I didn't even know what I would need, but this exact program was 90% of it. I didn't think 3 weeks would be long enough, but for me it was. The hours-long, repetitive, basic-ass CBT groups held 5 times a day 7 days a week was absolute torture for everyone but myself. While it was a drag to spend an hour on defining what a cognitive distortion is, the routine and repetition, something I've never gotten out of any outpatient program, helped me to really absorb the information and let it rewire my brain.

I've always said that I'm someone who should be spending an hour a day with a therapist for the rest of my life, and while that's not even remotely feasible, this was as close as it's ever gotten, and it proved me right, because it worked. I've done biweekly therapy for a short time but even that didn't come close to the way my brain changed in those 3 short weeks.

This program required absolute commitment and open-mindedness. This isn't because it was hard work or difficult concepts, but quite the opposite. While I hate the entire concept of art therapy being used as a cure-all for mental illness, I willingly got out of my bed, went downstairs and tried doing a dot mandala for an hour because I'm willing to try anything to get better. A lot of people might think they are, but really aren't. To use the mandala as an example, one guy was really into it, I wasn't, but we both finished. The other 3 tried, messed up a few times, and then scrolled through their phones. When I say this program necessitates complete engagement, that's not a compliment. It shouldn't be a chore to engage with the program. It shouldn't take me actively saying "I know I've known this basic concept since 4th grade, but maybe hearing it again will help" to get something out of a rehab program. So again, in every way, I got lucky, and so did they.

Before I finish with the rehab section, having had a few months to reflect on the whole thing, I now have an endless list of things wrong with it. I arrived, greeted by the most jaded and disillusioned of staff, and quickly became disturbed and at points concerned with just how negligent the staff are.

Maybe it's because I've been on the psych ward where they won't even let you have shoelaces and shine a flashlight on your face every half hour through the night, but it could've been so incredibly easy to sneak in alcohol. I brought 2 full water bottles, fully expecting to have to dump them out upon arrival, but they said "nah it's fine". Is it though?

Then there were actual counsellors there who were... okay. I recall one, the one I thought was the smartest, reading a handout aloud and coming across the word "delve" as in "let's delve into..." and stumbled, then said she doesn't know that word. The room was silent. As she pulled up Google on the screen I said, "it means to dive into it". She Googled it anyway. Synonyms include "dive in". If that was the only example I wouldn't mention it, but this was the first of at least 10 words she had do Google, none past a 10th grade level, from HER OWN MATERIAL. From that point on it became clear that they had no fucking idea what they were doing.

We had one last one-on-one counselling session before we left and the counsellor just filled in boxes to questions on her computer, rephrasing everything I said to fit into the buzzwords and "lessons" we'd "learned". Example. Me: I do think I'm better able to catch myself thinking 'oh I can just have one drink' and say 'no I can't'." Her: "Okay, so would you say that you can recognize negative cognitive distortions like permission-giving thoughts and counter them with a more rational and less emotional mind?" Like girl, blink twice if your boss is holding your family hostage. She gave me some papers, detailing all the online courses they were signing me up for and options for more treatment they'd be sending me, a phone number to call and a phone appointment for the next Monday. I never got that call, the phone number is a hotline, I never got a single email from them, and given how shitty they really are at their jobs, I didn't feel the inclination to try and get those resources. If they even exist in the first place.

In summation, it was a place where it was physically impossible to get alcohol. That's really all I can say in its favor. Oh, and they let you have your cell phone.

Now on our timeline I'm back home. I want to kind of analyze why it's been easy for me.

I often said that my main goal of going to rehab was to lock me away from alcohol long enough for it to reset my brain. Most people thought that was naïve, but that's exactly what happened. But I'm well aware that my experience of "instantly became sober and literally hasn't had a single hard day in 3 months" is absurdly unusual.

I put this down to a few things. Firstly, I'm on seven different meds for my mental health. Almost all of them have their effects dulled or even eliminated when you drink. So when I noticed my mood, fatigue, memory, concentration etc all getting better at once - right about as I left rehab, I don't think it would be a stretch to say that all those meds started working properly.

Secondly, I've been keeping myself busy, but that's something I've always been good at. Now I specifically choose to undertake projects that will eat up a lot my time and put me in a state of flow. I recently made an entire card game from scratch, and let me tell you, I didn't think of alcohol for a week.

Thirdly, my other goals now get in the way of alcohol. I'm getting old and my body is deteriorating. But I've always wanted to do just one last season of gymnastics. Well, I need to lose weight for that to happen. I've already lost 35 pounds, and after another 20 I'll be ready to go. Also, I used to spend more on alcohol per month than rent. Even though I've done a few shopping sprees lately, I haven't come remotely close to how much I was spending before.

I want it more than anything. I want to be sober more than I want one night of "fun" that will more likely than not lead me back to where I was a year ago. I never want to need anything as much as I needed alcohol.

Lastly, just a few more random thoughts.

A lot of people, myself included, worried about the fact that I work at a bar as a cook, but honestly the entire time I'm there I'm thinking about food, not alcohol. If I'm hanging out with some regulars before/after, I can watch them drink and be perfectly fine with my coffee, because the coffee is $2, and I used to spend $20 after every work shift.

I also decided in rehab to start taking better care of myself as best I could. This started with getting my second vax which I'd been putting off, then an eye appointment, then new glasses, then a dentist appointment where I was informed I need to do $3000 worth of work on my implant that's erroding my bone matter, so that sucks, but I caught it early. I've also been meditating every day. In just 3 months, I've made pretty big improvements to my self-care and my daily routine.

One of my fears about sobriety was "missing out" on "having fun". A few days ago, all my housemates got together to play Mario Party, and it was kind of my first night doing something social while sober. It was a breath of fresh air - I wasn't constantly running to piss, I didn't worry about running out of alcohol, I didn't get sloppy and obnoxious as I can sometimes do. I even came very very close to winning my first game of MP. When I reflected on the night, I realized that, if I'd been getting drunk the whole time, I would've sucked at the minigames, been a hindrance to anyone unfortunate enough to be teamed with me, and likely would've stopped caring about the game itself after the first few turns.

Yesterday I was making my 4th pot of coffee of the day when I realized there was a full glass of wine just sitting on the counter. I had absolutely no idea where the hell it came from - nobody in my house drinks wine. I shrugged and poured that sweet sweet bean juice. It was only when I sat down and took a sip of coffee did I find myself thinking automatically, "this tastes so much better than wine". I only realized then that it had been rose wine, the only kind I've ever been able to tolerate. It was the ultimate moment of possible temptation, and the thought of just chugging that glass - as I may've done in the past - didn't even cross my mind.

I'm so glad to be where I am. I'm about to undergo some serious financial changes - i.e. going absolutely broke - but drinking isn't gonna help that, so I'm cautiously optimistic.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.

[writhe]

bro I'm ftm and literally the worst trigger for my dysphoria is my hips,, like theyre so wide and I hate it,,, other than wearing certain clothes is there anything I can do??

feel like i need to give a disclaimer for this last and the ask one that ftm/enby are not words i would choose to describe myself BUT regardless i feel like our experiences are similar 

i don’t mean to sound shitty but: maybe and maybe not? imo a lot of the advice/tips aimed towards trans people changing their bodies (outside of surgery/ hrt) puts of a lot of onus on us to do things to ourselves that are harmful in addition to being unrewarding 

i hear you and see you 100%. i had, and sometimes have, similar feelings about my hips. a lot of what i read when i was younger was just these long lists of exercises that were aimed at changing the shape of one’s hips- you know, if you were to do them continuously, if not excessively, for a long period of time. and while building muscle and strengthening different parts of your body can change the appearance (AND is sometimes fun and rewarding), i fear its easy to venture too far into dangerous territory and become obsessive while feeling unfulfilled 

but, you didn’t come here to listen to me blather about my takes on body image as enforced by misogynist and ciscentric beauty norms (+ how this fuels the intense body dysmorphia a lot of us trans folk experience) because that was ABOUT to happen before i remembered you came here with a question 

THINGS YOU SHOULD DO* 

1. borrow some concepts from radical acceptance. accept that this is your body, this beautiful vessel will carry you from this life to the next. don’t expect yourself to be fully content immediately (society isn’t built that to let you feel that way- your insecurity is not a personal failure). how excellent, you can use it to experience sunshine and hold someone, what things can you find that you like about your hips? maybe their strength? the simple fact they are part of your body rife with blood and tissue and bone? 

2. i feel like fixating on bodies can be a double edged sword, but: spend a day or two paying attention to other people. do you see how much variation there is from person to person? do you see how many people across genders have a body like yours? do you realize that you have to actively pay attention to this, that likely most people aren’t staring down the parts of you that make you the most uncomfortable

(i will say that I am very guilty of thinking that people are watching my every move. we are learning together that we are not under constant scrutiny) 

3. take inventory of the time spent focusing on dysphoria. the discomfort cannot always be a motivator for change, so can you find different ways to spend that time/ metal energy? before i had top surgery i was dysphoric about my chest. I’d come to accept that i would never like it until i had surgery, but i didn’t carry a vehement burning hate for the better part of my adult life. when i was younger i would fixate on it constantly and feel stuck and that was never helpful. eventually i got to a place of ‘well having this chest is stupid and makes my back hurt, but this is my lot’ and wouldn’t revisit it much beyond that. dysphoria sucks and might not ever go away fully, but if you are able to distract yourself or divert your energy away from it, i can promise you will feel at least marginally better 

*things I, as an individual, have found helpful wrt dysphoria or body dysmorphia 

OTHER THINGS YOU CAN DO

regardless I know this is all complicated and you’ll want things to make yourself feel more comfortable. feel like it was a little presumptuous of me to assume you are not already doing the things i wrote about above, but here:

1. i know you said aside from clothes, but really do not underestimate clothes! try different fits of pants. for example and despite not being a woman, I usually wear regular or mid-rise women’s pants because the cut is complementary to my body shape. i can’t get away with wearing ‘men’s’ pants without feeling a little silly

1a. I ALWAYS wear a belt and tuck my shirt in. ALWAYS everyday without fail. I love the aesthetics of it. can you find ways to accessorize that bring positive attention towards that area of your body? 

2. spend some time not wearing clothes. just hang out and be neutral and naked. I think clothes can feel worse sometimes because they don’t always fit seamlessly. i almost never feel dysphoric if i’ve got no clothes on 

this is so long and i’m sorry about the legion of tangents present here. i have been thinking a lot about my relationship to myself/ my own body recently (are we separate from our bodies? that’s a tangent for another time, actually). i hope at least some of this was salvageable and helpful! 

[itsclydebitches]

How do you manage to write so much? I have this fic I'm working on and I know exactly what I want to happen in the scenes, but I struggle with actually writing the prose for it and describing the events. Even getting 500 words out is hard, so seeing you churning out content is pretty amazing to me (especially because it's all so good). If you have any tips to share it would be really appriciated!

First - thank you so much, anon! I was literally just thinking tonight about how I haven’t written enough lately and then you come in with “How do you manage to write so much?” So I think that’s a good thing for every writer to keep in mind: how we might perceive our accomplishments doesn’t necessarily reflect what we’ve actually accomplished. Those feelings are something I’d like to address here. As is abundantly obvious, the advice I’m about to offer is stuff I often struggle to follow too ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But let’s see... yes, I’ve got 10 tips (nice round number) for producing writing, approaching your writing, and dealing with that pesky “How do I describe events?” issue. These are in no good order:  

1. Reject the “Write ___ amount of words every day” advice. It doesn’t work. Or if it does work it’s because we’re prioritizing writing over literally everything else, which I personally don’t think is healthy. The days I haven’t written recently include things like “Battling a bad cold” and “Spent the day with Dad in the ER” (he’s fine!). If I had forced myself to write on those days it would have been in lieu of taking time to rest/recuperate, so I didn’t. If I were still demanding of myself, “You can’t lose your writing streak 😡” then I would have felt intensely guilty about taking that time to rest. That’s just training yourself to associate writing with negative emotions. Instead, I’ve started tracking my progress with Word Keeper.

As you can see, it’s all over the place, but over the last month I’ve found that it has given me a much better sense of what I’m accomplishing overall. Rather than getting upset about days where I only wrote a tiny amount, or didn’t write at all, I can now also easily remind myself of the days when I wrote a whole lot, or the days where I managed to be fairly consistent. Let your writing fluctuate. There’s something to be said for not being dependent on motivation (there are plenty of times where I encourage myself to write even if I don’t want to), but don’t hold yourself to overly rigid standards either. 

2. Consider rejecting the “Write for an hour every morning/carve out a specific time to do nothing but writing” advice. If that works for you, great. Me? I’ll never manage it. Beyond the fact that I would murder mornings if I could and, as established, don’t do well with a rigid schedule, my brain is way too hyperactive to focus on one task for long. And by “long” I mean... more than 10-15 minutes. So what I personally do is alternate tiny bits of writing with something else I want to accomplish, usually another task I’m having trouble focusing on. Let’s say I need to read an article and I want to write those 500 words. Both tasks are rather daunting. 500 words? 35 pages?? No thank you. I can, however, manage 100 words and 5 pages... so I just alternate. Read 5 pages. Write 100 words. Read 5 more pages. Another 100 words. Back and forth, with amounts that work for you. Whatever is doable, even if that means something like 10 words and half a page. And if you find yourself going, “Wait, wait just 100 more words so I can finish this scene,” all the better. Do that for an afternoon and you’ve made significant headway on both projects. You can also alternate with something you want to do. I finished the latest Before the Dawn recap by doing that with The Clone Wars. One 20 minute episode, then 250 words, essentially using my show as a reward system: write that little bit so you can find out what stupidity Anakin does next. 

Speaking of rewards...

3. Try using 4 The Words. I absolutely love this website because it turns writing into a game and I am an absolute sucker for validation of any sort. Essentially, you get to choose how much writing you want to get done in a single sitting - either timed or by word count - and that goal corresponds with a monster to defeat. Write the required amount in the allotted time period and you receive rewards for your avatar, experience, etc. If you’re like me and enjoy games at all, that’s a huge motivator. Maybe you’d never consider trying to write 750 words in a single sitting, but the 750 words monster drops the specific loot you need to finish a quest... so why not give it a try? I find that the time limits are quite generous and the system counts any words you’ve written, not what you decide to keep. Remember that writing is writing, so even if you churn out those 750 words and then decide you hate the whole scene, that time wasn’t wasted. It’s helping you figure out what you do want instead. 

4. Don’t set those rigid standards, but try to hold yourself accountable in some manner too. That’s why when I changed my blog theme I decided to put what project I was working on in the bio and what I planned to work on next. Whether anyone actually cares about that doesn’t matter, I perceive that as, “Damn I told everyone I’d have a Witcher drabble done next. Better work on that!” That veneer of accountability helps keep me on track. 

5. It sounds like you’ve already got an outline - which is great! Once you know what you want to happen, keep in mind that you don’t have to write it in that order. This is something I still really struggle with because I often post chaptered fics as I go. I can’t be writing Chapter 20 when Chapter 15 isn’t even out yet! But sometimes that’s the best way to get past your road block. If you’ve got a scene in your head that’s a little more clear, even if it’s just a tiny description or dialogue exchange, go write that instead of beating your head against the part where you’re stuck. 

6. Regarding the specific issue of prose and describing events: daydream about it. Be the most cliche, cringy author who falls headfirst into their own worlds. A lot of times when I’m stuck I try to stop thinking about this as me writing a scene. Rather, it’s a scene for me to escape into when I’m bored in the car, or falling asleep, or tuning out an awkward conversation. Presumably you want to spend time in the world you’ve created, so let yourself do that, either as an outside observer or taking the place of one of the characters. Fantasize about this moment and then afterwards think back to what your brain conjured up. Going, “I need to write this fight scene now” is kind of daunting and maybe you just sit there, having no idea how “fight scene” translates into actual pages of action. If, however, you daydream about an epic battle you might later go, “Oh yeah! I/they did that cool flip move to disarm the opponent. Let’s see if I can describe that...” 

7. If the problem is more “I know there’s going to be a cool flip move but how do I describe that without just saying ‘The hero did a cool flip move’???” Let yourself just write “The hero flipped the sword out of his enemy’s hands.” Probably the most annoying part about writing (besides, you know, all of it) is remembering that you can, should, and must revise. Write a shitty description and move on. Come back to it later. Composing the rest of the scene will help you make the description less shitty the second time around. And want to know a secret? It’s probably not nearly as shitty as you first thought it was. A lot of times I churn out what feels like truly horrific descriptions, let it sit for a while, and when I come back to the work as a “new” reader I think, “You know what? There are definitely things I want to change, but this isn’t nearly as bad as I remember it being...” Again, writers often can’t be trusted to judge their own accomplishments. 

8. Research things. Watch stuff. Read stuff - and pay attention to the fact that you’re currently reading to learn. No one is born knowing how to write compelling scenes. That comes of not just practice, but engaging with a ton of other stories and consciously/unconsciously pulling from them. Not sure how to write a cool fight scene? Go read some cool fight scenes. Watch your favorites on Youtube. Pull a detail from here, there, then weave them into something new. Some authors claim they won’t engage with any stories similar to their own because they don’t want to taint their own ideas, but that’s just trying to write without providing yourself with any fuel. If you want to know how to describe a farm, go read others’ descriptions of farms, look at pictures of farms, watch TV shows with farms in them, etc. Same with anything else you might be stuck on. 

9. Remind yourself that some kinds of writing are going to come more easily to you than others. That’s not just in regards to things like dialogue vs. prose, but also big categories like fiction vs. nonfiction. Me? I can (quite obviously...) write a ton when it comes to asks and recaps. Explaining my own thought process comes very easily to me, and I’m long-winded, which means that when the project is something like, “Tell readers what you thought about this book” I can churn out 4,000 words easy peasy. Fiction though? That’s a slog. That’s where I’m writing in 100 words chunks, sometimes pulling each word out with all the joy of enduring a root canal. I will never - EVER - be a Stephen King writing 2,000 words of fiction a day. And that’s okay! Every writer is different and it does no good to compare ourselves to others who are writing more (hard as that is) because there will always be someone doing it “better.” That’s a competition we can’t win. Getting writing done is as much a mindset as it is a skill. Teaching yourself to go, “Yeah! 50 words today!! :D” is going to help more than berating yourself with, “Oh. Only 50 words today :(” But a part of that is also recognizing that you probably wrote a whole lot more than just 50 words. Do you write for your job? Answer emails? Keep a journal? Answer asks? Text whole conversations with your friends? Writing of all sorts takes energy and it all “counts.” If you spent the day catching up on your messages, it’s no wonder you might struggle to write more during your free time. Saying you “haven’t written” today because you didn’t write fiction as well as all the writing we naturally do on a daily basis is absurd. Sometimes you’ve just got to recognize that and let yourself watch some TV instead. 

10. Finally, WRITE “BAD” THINGS. This is something I’m still really, really struggling with. It’s very much connected to #7, but try to let yourself accept what you’ve produced at a certain point. Doing that will, in time, help you produce more things in the first place. The author who obsesses over writing the perfect paragraph is unlikely to get to the second... and writing the second paragraph is what’s going to help them develop the skills to make the first paragraph better. Put aside the perfectionism. I’m currently trying to do that with my original work. I have lots of ideas for flash fiction and, like you, I know precisely what will happen in them... but I struggle to actually write the stupid things. I’ve recognized that a lot of that difficulty stems from how bad I perceive them to be. When a story doesn’t sound like that flash fiction with the national award attached to it my brain goes, “Well, looks like we’re trash! Time to stop writing forever and ever 🙃” At some point you’ve just got to take a mental broom and beat that bastard voice into the back of your mind, far enough to start writing again. Try to accept that no, our prose probably won’t win any awards. Also try to accept that hey, someday maybe it will. But neither can be reality until we actually write the story. So one of these days I’ll set a goal for a flash fiction, finish it, post it here for you masses to judge, and try to shrug off all the scary feelings that come with that. Every good writer has to write a LOT of bad stuff in order to start producing something decent, let alone good... so let yourself do that. The more we can concentrate on why we want to write, rather than those “Ugh this description isn’t good enough” or “I can’t even get 500 words done” feelings, the more we create a situation where, in time, we will write astounding descriptions and far more than 500 words. 

All of which is much MUCH easier said than done. But I hope this helps at least a little, anon! 💜

[kittykatinabag]

I've figured it out.

I hate this job (and consulting in general) because the thing that I have to do every day is find more work to do and compete with my coworkers for the scraps of billable hour tasks that junior staff can do.

It makes every interaction with coworkers guarded to a certain degree, because one day you'll end up taking some of their regular work from them (it's pretty much unavoidable) and it'll register in their brains. Maybe my anxiety is so bad that I think that it does register in their brains but fuck when it's happened to me I find myself thinking about it more than I want to.

The team dynamic here makes little sense to me. There's an obvious hierarchy with junior staff reporting to either senior staff or project managers, and project managers reporting up to directors and such, but at the same time within our regional team, it's like a subtle battle royale. There's such an emphasis on building your own skills (or in stupid corporate speak your "brand"), networking with people outside your region for work (I still don't understand this, do we just not have enough local jobs?), and while yes everyone is somewhat helpful when you ask if they know of any leads for work, it's frustrating to constantly have to do this whenever I run out of hours. It's also supremely unhelpful when I ask my supervisor why it's difficult to find work when he and other managers say that I do decent quality work (which is a bold face lie to me but whatever, I'll take their word). Aren't they supposed to "loop me in" to new stuff? Fucking stupid.

It's just work for work's sake. Half the time I'm not even doing anything worthwhile. I'll put some numbers in a spreadsheet that if one of the IT guys took a day out of their schedule they could make it an automated process for at least one of my tasks, and then get asked questions that I don't have answers to due to me not being the fucking operator taking the readings. Otherwise I'm updating shitty report templates where the senior staff give the same comments every time and I answer the same way every time, then they end up changing their minds anyways.

It's so dumb. I'm not even going to get into how this teams been working together for 3 to 20 years through a company merger then hired me and how much of an outsider I felt until they hired my coworker but she slotted right into a more technical role because her master's degree is literally in one of the hottest topics of the remediation world and how not-diverse my group is (other parts of the company are decently diverse but my group is whiter than stale bread, straighter than a ruler, and neurotypical to the max) and how I still hesitate to just leave because they're actually pretty nice people and I hate being confrontational about this and lack the words to properly describe my thought process to them without getting super anxious.

[enchantedbyhiddles]

Hello! Same anon as last night here! Firstly, I did take slight offense to being called "utterly selfish, ignorant, and very naive," since I'm not fond of name-calling and think it counterproductive, but it's your prerogative to call me what you like and I understand where you're coming from when you say that (: But thanks for being super nice otherwise! It's nice being able to have a calm and rational conversation with someone about politics! I tried to keep my response shorter this time but...

[again very long]

Anyway, you said that Trumphas not given a stance on the economy or foreign relations, which is untrue; Iresearched it before I voted. Yes, it’s vague in some places, but it’s concretein others and his vague direction is one I approved of more than Clinton’s concreteone. And yes, Trump pulled out of a couple treaties. One of them I disagreedwith anyway, so I was pleased with that. You then go on to say“probably” and “might” a few times, which is fair…

It MIGHT go terribly wrongand our economy will collapse… or PERHAPS it will improve! It’s hard foranyone to say at this stage, to be quite honest, when it comes to the economy.He’s been president for four days, haha. I’ll be giving him the benefit of thedoubt, for now. The wall idea is stupid, I agree. As anything he does with theenvironment, just throwing that out there. As for me, I’m far from rich – andI’m not registered Republican, I’m registered as an independent (:

I’m lower middle class. My family has been hit very hard bythe state of the economy (health insurance costs going up after the ACA didn’thelp either). The No.1 priority for me when voting was the economy. I don’twant to see my mom crying over bills again, or hear that my dad skips mealswhen his kids aren’t at his house to save money to feed us when we’re there(they’re divorced). I voted for the candidate I believed, after research, wouldbest help with this.

Is Trump sexist? Yes. RacistHighly likely, or at least deeply prejudiced. The chance that he may passpolicy through Congress AND the Supreme Court that removes the rights ofAmericans (unlikely, imo) was a chance I was willing to take in the hope thathe’d make changes to the economy, foreign relations, national debt, etc. forlong-lasting prosperity for myself and my future children. Perhaps if eitherparty had come up with less shitty candidates… but alas, they didn’t.

end, I voted for a candidatethat I hoped would take the country in a direction I’d prefer, based on theissues that mattered most to me, rather than the candidate I KNEW would not.What I’ve learned from this election is that the more politics polarizespeople, through name-calling and demonizing, the more we’re going to getcandidates like Trump and Clinton. It’s sad that neither side even tries to compromiseanymore.

I wasn’t name-callingyou. It shows again utter selfishness and ignorance that you are more concernedwith me describing you based on your behaviour and views than you are withother people losing rights or the candidate you voted for accusing others ofcrimes, encouraging others to commit crimes, and actually defaming a large partof the people. I have to say as a European seeing parts of your utterly disgusting campaign made me lose a lot of hope in humanity and also showed me that for big parts there won’t be the ability to compromise, because a lot of words can’t ever be taken back. Not that Trump tries.

You can disagree withClinton’s economic views and put your hope on Trump, but it doesn’t add up andit doesn’t take an economist to see that. He will spend more on military, spentbillions on a wall, will take less taxes from companies. The only thing thisadds up to is a huge national debt. When asked how he wants to avoid that hedeflected. That has to bring up all red flags. I’ve yet to read an independenteconomist that says there is a way this can work out. It looks like he tries tocreate a tax haven, but that only works for small, non-producing countries thatare working together with countries that are economically more powerful.

What you totally ignoreis that even if this tax haven idea helps a few economies that won’t help youor your family at all. Unregulated capitalism never favours economically disadvantagedpersons. Take a look to Russia. Inform yourself of what happened with the oligarchyafter the collapse of the Soviet Republic. That’s what you are looking forwardto. A few rich people getting richer and the rest suffering. (or read “Capital:Critique of a Political Economy” by Karl Marx – it’s still one of the bestreadings on capitalism and how it works)

The ACA has nothing todo with the economy of the country. I can understand if it left you personallyin a less financial stable situation (which I don’t know in detail), but theeconomy of the USA won’t help you reduce those costs. Totally unrelated.  

Again you are ignorantand make up your own facts by blocking out a what is happening already. Youfavour your hopes over facts. Look around you what bills he first introducedthe last days and which rights he already abolished. Freedom of the Press?Gone. Freedom of the Speech? Gone in big parts. Freedom of information? Replaced with alternative facts LIES. Safety? Gone if you are NativeAmerican and now get a high-risk project build on sacred ground. Gone if youare in need of health care provided by the ACA and/or PP. Not even talkingabout the environment, which is the biggest issue to even have a future. Etc.Etc. Etc.

I can’t even keep upwith all the highly frightening propositions he makes left and right.

Getting rid of TTIP, whichI hate myself, because it would have given the USA a huge advantage over Europeand would have introduced high-risk, unregulated capitalistic practices here,doesn’t even come close to being worthy of all the other shit that happens. Andthat shit doesn’t even affect me right now, while TTIP would have.

Do you look at the workhe does now and think: well done! That’s what I voted for?

Do you believe Trump? Doyou believe in lies? 

I’m really unable to fathom that people look at him and think “yeah, great”. Not because of his politics, but because he is a disgusting person and a horrible liar. That’s not an opinion, but those are proven facts. Even by that I’m putting it mildly, what I really feel.

Again, I’m thankful thatyou are respectful towards me. That doesn’t make up though for the things yousay. While you are not offensive and ignorant towards me, your views are toothers that will get harmed from the things you did. I don’t know what youexpect. Sympathy or understanding for your voting? I can’t and don’t want togive you that. You said why you voted and explained yourself, but in my opinionthat doesn’t justify this ignorance or support of a horrible person at all.

I have to say that Ithink that this dialogue is somewhat running in circles here. You said what youwanted to say and I don’t think I can add anything useful but throwing articlesand facts at you, that I’m quite sure you wouldn’t give a damn about anyway.Articles that are in-depths analysis why you are heading towards fascism, etc.Feel free to message me again, if feel you have anything more to add. I thank youfor coming to me and opening-up like this. It was interesting and insightfulfor me, even if you might feel that I was rude towards you.