#i hate being disabled but I REALLY hate not knowing why. itd be so much easier to use coping skills if i knew what worked

[sillimancer]

it took one (1) walk to the beach to make me feel like I'm gonna die, I'm not surviving this vacation

[idcpxseur]

i want more laurance thoughts pretty please

OKAY BUT YOU ASKED FOR IT

My thoughts on Laurence Zvhal

soft warning for aaron slander. im not really slandering him im just sharing my conspiracy theories. ALSO THIS BITCH IS LONGGGG AND THERES SO MUCH RAMBLIGN GOD HELP

god i love him so bad... thats the main thing i wanna get cleared up right the fuck away. i love him SOSO bad and i think jesson uses him completely inappropiately and im stealing him. okay? hes my oc now.

this is also a warning, i havent refreshed completely with my mcd knowledge and mystreet is more fresh in my mind so if i say something wrong about a plot point be nice to me im doing my best im a little guy with a dissociative disorder so i forget shit

aaalllrighty where the hell do i begin?

okay so first off, right off the bat: when he got back from the nether in mcd, he should've been blind. because

disability representation. blindness isnt something that can just be cured unless you get touched by jesus christ himself (im not religious but i think thats in the bible lol) and it something that impacts millions of people on the daily. exposing that to young kids can introduce them to the fact that not everybody is just like them and that people come in many different shapes and sizes. and it ofc helps anyone who happens to be blind have a chracter to relate to and project on.

do YOU KNOW HOW COOL IT WOULD BE FOR A BLIND KNIGHT? like fighting is a very visual skill for the most part you need to see your opponents sword to properly dodge it or you are good and truly fucked. so taking something integral to fighting and ripping it away gives another great chance for character development as well as some really sick ass scenes where laurence goes all toph and uses his senses that are now firing at all cylinders and kicks total ass

ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST!! like. laurence is a very visual guy, right? he sees pretty ladies to flirt with, he's a knight, he cares about his looks. so now he has all of that pretty much ripped away from him in an instant. what the fuck is he supposed to do? he flounders. hes a shell of his former self, in a way. like hes still there, hes still alive, but is he even laurence anymore? its something he has to learn to embrace and come to terms with. the main cast could also be super encouraging for him and basically is like "hey dude youre still the same fuckin awesome guy and you can still do all these fucking awesome things you just gotta learn how to do it again"

itd make for some cool relationship building between him and garroth or him and zoey or him and aphmau or even like him and cadenza. it gives him external relationships outside of just aphmau's love interest

JESUS FUCK I YAPPED A LOT ABOUT LAURENCE BEING BLIND OKAY

i think giving laurence (in both mcd and mystreet) jealousy/possessiveness issues is lame and a total turn off. like its such a gross thing to tell to kids, no? like "hey kids if you love someone they are ENTITLED to love you back and they CANT be in love with someone else"

obviously this behavior is still shut down but still... like why include it? especially because, prior to him falling in love, he seemed to be just a completely chill dude who only gets angry if he needs to. but suddenly hes mass slaughtering people at weddings (mcd), stalking his love interest because he saw her talking with another guy (mystreet), giving aphmau the cold shoulder because she is either indecisive or loses interest in him (this goes in both series i believe)

like it just gives you such an ick and obviously i know why they did this. i will say this until the day they put me in the damn ground its because of motherfucking aaron becoming a love interest. i have zero issues with aaron as a character and i even like him as a character (i have redeemed myself. i used to hate him) but as a love interest i think hes the worst thing to happen to every series because he just simply destroys any male character who had the potential to be shipped with aphmau which was all of them

were moving to mystreet here because mystreet is the best and most glaring example of this because mystreet was after they had decided to make aarmau canon in mcd and you can tell because of the way they set up laurence and garroth.

lemme explain and yes i know this is deviating from strictly laurence a tad but stay with me

im not going to use pdh because pdh was written after mystreet based off of the fact that for some reason travis doesnt know aphmau???? despite them being best friends in pdh??? WHATEVER WHWATEVER NOT THE POINT OKAY. were also going to completely disregard the undercurrent of grooming for aarmau and were going to pretend like this relationship is normal and not at all weird. okay? okay.

so from the moment you first meet laurence and garroth, you can tell their vibes are off. theyre openly hostile with each other (even if its playful theyre still "competeing" for her), theyre trying to shove each other out of the way. it makes them seem unlikeable. every time theyre on screen theyre talking to her or about her (often times planning on stalking her or getting irrationally jealous because they heard something through the grapevine) and it just turns the viewer off. if youre a first time viewer without any preconcieved notions of these character you're thinking "wow thats creepy. why would she stay friends with them? why would she bother sticking around her if all they want is a relationship out of her and not a genuine friendship?" and if you happened to watch mcd first youre thinking "wow is this how theyre really like? wow i dont like them at all anymore" and then you go to mcd and see their worst traits being ramped up and amplified to make them even more unlikable

and then you see aaron

in mcd hes a silent protector. hes always by aphmau's side. hes her one true loyal knight even when she does something he doesnt like. they understand eachother in ways that laurence and garroth just dont

in mystreet hes her guard dog. hes always there to step in when shes uncomfortable. hes her secret best friend her home away from home. he makes her feel loved in such a way that laurence garroth never could since theyve only ever cared about her superficially and not in any way that really, truly mattered

it makes the audience cling to him. it makes them think "well fuck why did the other guys even try hes obviously perfect for her" it blinds them of any other potential option because jesson just didnt give any other opportunity to shine through.

and thats fine. thats completely fine they can do whatever the hell they want to with their series because as one creative to another sometimes you just gotta make your bed and lie in it knowing that not every bitch out there is going to like every creative decision you make.

as a viewer it just.... it just makes you feel dissatisfied. leaves a bitter taste in your mouth, especially given the fact that in mcd you were basically told "these are your two options for love interests" and then a third love interest swoops in seemingly out of nowhere, gets her pregnant, and then he fucking dies.

in mystreet it just like... ugh. i dont know. i guess i feel happy for them because i can see their development. but like me personally i cant really feel shit for ms aarmau simply because of pdh and the FUCKING WEIRDNESS OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP

sorry this, once again, turned into a rant about how aaron's introduction as a love interest fucking ruined everything (my words, not anyone elses)

to sum up this long, long, long post my thoughts on laurence are as follows: i think hes written very poorly in mystreet and severely mishandled in mcd. i think that he had the potential to be very interesting in both series if used properly and he couldve had more intersting things happen to him in terms of the love interest department.

i think hes a character that gets the a lot of the character assassination tirade that jesson went on and i wish we got to see more of him but unfortunately we never will since you know his va left.

but most importantly:

hes my pookie wookie booboo bear and i love him so bad and im going to shake him and bite him and rip him to shred

well... i hope you got what you wanted. i have emptied all of my thoughts about laurence

[wadesprincessboy]

Tw: vent, self harm, ableism

I actually hate myself so much. I hate my DA. I hate it. It causes me to want things that I shouldn't. The chara that im "an irl" of is a mobility aid user. It has lead to me over exaggerating my very mild disability to the point of convincing myself and others that i need a mobility aid. Its lead to me harming myself in the hopes of permanent disability so i can use a mobility aid. I KNOW that i dont want that. There was a time when i did actually need one and it sucked. I know its not something to want. But i am literally delusional.

Even before this DA, i was so obsessed with the book Katy by JW that i was trying to paralyse myself at age 10!! Wtf is wrong with me? Ever since a young age i tried to disable myself?

It's always to do with my legs too, i just want them to break. I used to jump from heights to try break my legs, it never worked but i tried.

What is wrong with me?

The character is also a CSA survivor. Its gotten to the point of me having false memories of csa and therefore trauma responses as if i was assaulted when i wasnt. It makes me want to insert myself into survivor spaces. Why am i like this?

I hate it i hate it i hate it. I want to be a good person and not be so ableist and disgusting. I try to ignore it but somehow im always reminded. I literally do not feel like my body. I feel like i should be someone else entirely. I'm meant to be that character!! Im meant to exist in his world, not this one. Why am I cursed with being here?

Sometimes i wish i had DID/OSDD. I know i shouldnt wish that! I know i shouldnt! But it would validate this i guess. If it was real and not just delusion. If there really was two people in my head itd make sense but its just me and im just obsessed with some character. Ive considered that whole "willowgenic" thing and tulpas and all that and none of it does anything for me, it just confuses me. I also know how harmful those things can be so i try to avoid it but i wish there was a way to make Bill real and not just some delusion i have.

I forget a lot of the time. A lot of the time im a normal person who goes about their day to day life not being delusional and messed up but then at least once everyday i remember and i get sad. Honestly its worse when im online because it leaves me with my thoughts and also other people who are like me and i get left to explore it all and make myself worse.

None of this makes sense and im just rambling tbh. Sorry.

[oursidae]

long ass rant abt bl3

just, so many spoilers under the readmore, things i thought the game did poorly and things i wish were changed

I should have expected it to be not great being that, borderlands was NEVER fantastic with its writing and character development. Ive been spoiled by tales from the borderlands tbh. I think borderlands three tho was like… fantastically underwhelming.

I had a blast with the beginning of the game up through the end of the first vault, where the excitement peetered off. 

Firstly, i wholly believe Maya was done horribly. Compare her death to say, Roland. Even if you hadn’t played BL1, you had almost the entirety of 2 to get to know him and his character and his place in the world of borderlands. Maya’s death was INCREDIBLY early in comparison. And not only that, the characters dont get to mourn aside from a few offhand voicelines. Mordecai mourned for bloodwing in a more substantial way - you get two full side quests about it. Zer0 says one offhand voiceline for maya. They were her friend goddamn it, i wanted MORE. 

ava is a good character but the fridging of maya just makes her into… what, a brat who accidentally got her killed and now has her powers? it would have been more interesting for them to develop alongside each other through the game and if maya died near the end, youd have cared a lot more about ava too. she’s just really one note right now.

Speaking of side quests, there were very few. They were sparse and honestly i dont think they added much to the plot of the game or the world.

in borderlands 2, side quests, at least in my eyes, were what forced you to explore the map. in borderlands 3 they forgo a lot of side quests in favor of the crew challenges, which were far less rewarding imo. like, build claptrap a gf with parts from dead claptraps in the world. disable COV radio towers for moxxi, kill fauna for hammerlock, people for zer0, etc, but except for zer0 and hammerlock you just get very similar voice lines in return. as well as xp. they dont add to the plot or worldbuilding or characters in any way. 

the lack of side quests i think really hurt my enjoyment of the game, because in bl2 it was the sidequests that got you to know the main cast and see that they were working behind the scenes. like brick and his slabs, moxxi asking you to sabotage opportunity, ellie and scooters more jokey side quests even!! it made them feel real with motives outside the main quest. bl3 didnt really have any of that past the first vault (i say this because lorelai gave some good sidequests.) in 3, moxxi and hammerlock only give u one side quest each. marcus (who gave u a lot on bl2) didnt give you any. he was literally just there to run the ammo shop. 

some of the more hyped characters dont really do shit. the b-team, mordecai/brick/tina dont really do…anything, they bust hammerlock out of jail, and then give you one side quest per person. thats really it. i hoped that, considering their roles in bl2 and their relationship to lilith, theyd have big roles here too. they didnt. they were truly forgettable. 

aurelia showed up to fill a villain slot and died. maybe im a sucker for redemption, but i hoped theyd had more in store for her. and they just…didnt. just like, a whole mission of wainwright calling her a harpy while hammerlock really wants to convince her to not be evil only to get fucking shot by her, like,,,,

vaughn is a joke. they did him truly dirty. his character development tanked into a “haha look at him hes strange and naked” joke. tftbl ending vaughn would NEVER. i wish theyd acknowledge the events of tales from the borderlands AT ALL. or had vaughn and rhys SPEAK TO EACH OTHER.

rhys is another thing, i rly dislike the relationship theyre pushing w him and sasha even tho sasha literally didnt show up in the game. apparently theres echo logs of him obsessing over and searching for her (i didnt find these in my own game but like, i believe it) and her picture on his desk and god DAMN it just let it rest,

BALEX was bland and so immediately misogynistic that i hated him on principle.

so then theres this character Typhon Daleon. he is the first vault hunter, but to my knowledge the only mentions of him occur in bl3. in fact, i dont think he’s mentioned in a main quest until after you kill troy and meet him in person, you only hear of him in the typhon logs which are optional. Then in the final quest you learn troy and tyreen are his kids, then he dies. i had no attachment to this character! he should have at least been built up in borderlands 2, if not in all of the previous games to get me to at least go “huh neat!” when its revealed hes alive, his kids are the villains, etc. 

tannis… they handled her being a siren poorly, my gripe isnt that i called it, its that it isnt really explained how she got her powers. i was pissed for like a good while after she reveals that she has ANGELS powers because i assumed somehow she stole or manufactured them. theres an eridian recording that KIND OF explains it, but again, those are OPTIONAL. idk if i just blanked out when she went, oh, by the way, heres why,  but to my knowledge its never explained to the player in a main or side mission, at least until you see ava get mayas powers. its infuriating.

worldbuilding wise, this is a much smaller issue, but i wish there were nonhostile fauna on the other planets. pandoras whole thing, the big meme the big laff, is that everything wants to kill u there. so it wouldve been nice to like, see some fauna thats docile. runs away from the player, is chased around by the carnivorous fauna or bandits or something. maybe a hammerlocks challenge could be to use stealth to kill a docile animal or something, it just would have been nice,

i also didnt think the ending made sense, lilith,.. punched the moon and disappeared? died? also brick and mordecai DIDNT GET TO BE THERE FOR HER OR WITH HER AT ALL. after all of bl2 where its SHOWN they’re good friends who care about each other, youd think theyd get to witness her death/disappearance. on top of that it felt like the whole game was building to something with lilith and the climax was so underwhelming. 

i just want to beat randy bitchford with a rolled up newspaper until he stops being a piece of human shit and borderlands can develop the characters and world.

the good parts of the game were…the graphics and the bossfights. the boss fights were all unique and interesting and FUN. katagawa jr, troy, the second vault monster, and tyreen were my faves in that order. hammerlock and wainwrights relationship was adorable and i liked the credits art of wainwright proposing. clay was a fun character but like all the others, didnt have development.

i also had a lot of glitches. my game would crash if i navigated menus too quickly, i had an issue with effects from shields staying on my screen even tho they should have ended, as well as a lot of glitching after cutscenes, most notably falling through the floor after the troy bossfight. a lot of my quest objectives glitched and wouldnt activate until i reloaded, which was frustrating.

i DID like the game. but i dont know if ill do a replay past promethea. i was just wishing itd be a whole game on the level of the Commander Lilith DLC.

TLDR i wouldn’t have minded the game being so lilith centric if the other characters got to matter at ALL.

[cleaduvalls]

i watched “spy kids 4″ exactly twice and i plan to keep it that way. here are my thoughts

i had the volume up from the last one because it was SO QUIET and now my ears hurt. not a great start

i used to think that was carmen and i was so disappointed because i wanted to see carmens kids 😔

tik tok????? oh no

i thought tick tock was matthew lillard for most of the movie

you cant do that in the SIMS

why are you shifitng gears. you dont need to shift gears

shut up wilbur have YOU given birth?????

YOU GO IN AT EVERY FIVE TO SEVEN MINUTES AND YOURE AT THREE ARE YOU S T U P I D

wait it sounds like ive given birth i havent i assure you

a pregnant belly wouldnt make that sound

yeah alright whatever shaggy youre high

isnt she from girl meets world??????

itd make a better sitcom honestly

hahah funney because shes a spy

WHY ARE YOU NOT IN THERE WITH YOUR W I F E

birth is NOT that short

i would be great at cinemasins

oh!!!! disabled character!!!!

who approved this show

oh like its HER fault

youre watching the clock speed up why are you not suspicious

roll credits

argonaut. my english teacher would like that

its 5 o clock somewhere

have you not been watching the show??????

there is a serious lack of floop

i feel like ive seen the boy before too

guess not

also i guess this one had a smell feature?????? ig thats why the baby farts so much

AND IT EXPLAINS THE DRESSING!!!! YOU CAN SMELL DRESSING!!!!!

dont say stepmother its creepy

ooh tinker toys!!!! real ones this time!!!!

girl its dyed blue youre gonna stain your carpet

oh God she wants to be FRIENDS

epic????? No

these pranks can all be used for smellovision

aromascope ig??????

BEING FRIENDS!!!! THATS SOME FANFIC LEVEL TROPEYNESS

oops

the CHEETOS

because you pulled the prank?????

power move

those are really your worst fears?????

i have almost that exact clock

youre looking for SPIES not VILLIANS

i kinda want a clock hand sword

MARISSA NO IM DYING OF SECONDHAND EMBARASSMENT

cecils so chill

it looks like the slime from floops castle..... i miss floop

felix has been replaced??? by a computer voice????

oh mood

hahah carmen said that

is that ricky gervais

oh!!!! they broke gender binary!!!!!! took the other chair!!!!!

worlds smallest camera!!!!!!

yeah hes right theres no invisibility powder

ew

its not a SPACESHIP theyre not IN SPACE

hey can we maybe not put that in a movie thanks

yeah i hate this one

that fall was awful

C A R M E N!!!!!!!!!!!

wilbur youre so boring

spy week???? dont you mean shark week?????

buddypack!!!!

IS THAT THE PICTURE FROM WHERE THEY ENTERED FLOOPS CASTLE AND THEN JUNI SAW A THUMB THUMB

i watch these movies too much

except this one this one sucks

7 years ago????? when game over came out????? nice

THE BRAIN THING THAT MADE FOOGLIES!!!

SPY PLANE!!!

SEA GUPPY!!!!

CARMENS GAME SUIT!!!!

why does she still have that

HOW does she still have that

MACHETES ELECTROSHOCK GUMBALLS!!!!!!

DRAGON SPY!!!!

take that giggleses

JUNI!!!! only video tho ://

oof

WAIT I JUST SAW ARGONAUTS NAME TAG AND MY DOG HAD THAT SAME ONE BUT IN PINK AND WE HAD TO GET HER A NEW ONE BECAUSE IT WAS S O  L O U D

your baby is your back up????? Bad Idea

did you not name your child????

why did they pause for a label????

stop making time puns i hate you

i really hope those are floops. like the cereal

stop calling her stepmother like its her name its CREEPY

stop WASTING them

just say youre marissas kids?????? they know who she is

oh God piss joke

oh God POOP joke

right its the bombs that make him cool not the fact that hes literally ricky gervais

and a fart joke????? i hate this movie

silent but LETHAL???? awfyl. i hate it

toot??? stop making fart jokes

OH THEYRE GETTING CHASED CUZ THE SAPPHIRE i need to pay attention more. i blame buzzfeed

“you weirdo you vaporized us” STOP TRYING TO GET ME TO LIKE THIS MOVIE BY PLAYING ON MY NOSTALGIA

its not working btw. i hate this movie

oh look. a butt joke.

oh yay disney acid trip

uh yeah???? hes ricky gervais

yeah except shes WHITE

i kinda wanna go to the cheese shop. wisconsin instincts ig

thats not a WORD

no the red ones the second hand do you know anything?????

how does she know how to army crawl???? shes EIGHT

there are 42 minutes left im suffering

oh no he died

is she wearing twinkle toes??????

did they.... teleport???? was that an awkward cut???? did they straight up travel through time????? im so confused

yknow as an OBVIOUS choice for the next doctor, floop should REALLY be in the movie centered around time

im gonna punch this dude

IM GONNA PUNCH THIS DUDE TOO YOU CAN STILL BE A FAMILY AND CALL YOURSELF STEPKIDS

hes the hulk

oh dear he referenced a meme

he just called the google lady annoying im gonna punch him next

n i c e

SHIITAKE MUSHROOMS!!!!!!

yeah theyre gonna flip youre STALKING THEM

that seems like a Bad Idea

try harder rebecca

IF YOURE GONNA TAKE THEM THERE W H A T DO YOU THINK THEYRE GONNA DO???????

dude you look like youre on crack

youre gonna divorce her because she wasnt allowed to tell you?????????

W H A T

no???? ofc not???? you have no weapons??????

DUDE CHILL SHE L I T E R A L L Y COULDNT TELL YOU

and i feel fine~

J U N I!!!!!!!!!!! FOR REALS!!!!!!!!

oh shiitake mushrooms he got kinda cute

you can???? reach into the garbage can???????

BECAUSE YOURE CHILDREN!!!!!! THEY SHUT DOWN THE SPY KIDS PROGRAM!!!!!!

i love the sound of clockwork. so soothing. that doctor who episode with the time robots???? a fave

oh no they all have died

M A C H E T E!!!!!!!!

why did juni freeze if he didnt really freeze???? thats some buzz lightyear level stuff

oh hey i just realized that junis hair is back!!

oh no now argos the hulk too

the baby looks like dora

hahah funney

HE WAS TOAST IN THE FIRST MOVIE S T O P  P L A Y I N G  O N  N O S T A L G I A

and diaper lady???? Stop

nice censorship

can hearing aids work that well???? im no expert but i dont think they can do that?????

taking his hearing aids???? i hate this guy

R A L P H!!!!

oh!!!!!! sign language!!!!!

Even Evil Has Standards

are they trying to make me cry?? im not

you can travel through time youre just not COOL ENOUGH

oh worm????

side note i figured they were the same guy but i was so disappointed when it wasnt matthew lillard

please let this be over i need to mindlessly scroll the spy kids wiki

stop being philosophical youre wearing twinkle toes

roll credits

us???? wouldnt that be me???? or is us right??? clones are wack

yEET

oh no he died

why did he float???? did they run out of gravity?????

he moved before he touched the watch

yeah but hell see his dad again and thats the point of this whole thing????

oh no he died. for reals this time

this time???? you have 6 months

STOP👏MAKING👏TIME👏PUNS👏

i cant raise my eyebrow😔

YOU CANT DO THAT WE JUST DISCUSSED IT

thats hot

WHY DOES SHE NOT HAVE A NAME

yes bc youre a robot shut up

oh thank God its over

[tumblunni]

I FED THE BIRDS TODAYYYYY

I got over my social anxiety enough to FEED BIRB FRIENDS

I always wanted to just grab as much bird food as i could carry and go to where the pigeons are in the street and then give it to all of them because i love them and im so sad for them. Pigeons are such pure lil dudes!! And theyre left to starve on the streets!! Ever since i learned pigeons are just a domesticated breed of the dove genus i felt super guilty for ever seeing them as pests. Like i know that wild rats can be dangerous but we shouldnt let that impact out judgment of pet rats who are very clean and fluffy and much more friendly and active than other rodents and also very smart and good. But pigeons are that AND ALSO the ones you see on the street are literally the same as the domestic ones, just feral. They were a "fad pet" a few centuries ago that got abandoned en masse when the novelty wore off, and thats SO FUCKIN SAD! feral pets are ultra depressing because the domestication means they lack the skills necessary to know wtf to do in the wild, and thats why street pigeons ended up relying entirely on scavenging human food and sleeping in human places and they cant go migrate away from humans or theyll die. And they also have SO MANY health problems from being originally bred into 'pedigree' breeds with exaggerated traits, and seriously the 'street pigeon' now is a mutt breed from ALL of those damn awful pedigrees mass interbreeding while starving on the street. So theyre a giant mess of health problems in a species thats super dependant on having access to human vetinary care and just AAAAGH ITS SO SAD! And i hate that the flow of time has buried this sin we did to them and now everyone acts like its just some wild species that indepedantly decided to exist and decided to be dependant on humans to not die GAAAH WHY IS EVERYTHIBG ABOUT BRITISH HISTORY A TOTAL NIGHTMARE

Anyway so thats why i wanted to start getting over my social anxiety and be able to feed the pigeons more often! And today i managed that once!!

I bought like alllll the sale bread in the shop and two bags of different seeds and even a bag of dried bugs! And also this thing called suet balls but apparantly neither pigeons or seagulls are interested in those and its more of a crows and robins thing? But meh, wasting a few quid was worth brightening up the lives of some hungry birbs!

Do pigeons coo when theyre happy? I sat there for a long time feeding them and more and more kept coming and then they started like a group cooing session and would come up so close to me that theyd eat seeds that fell on my shoe. I felt so blessed cos they were very skittish when i first got there! And there were definately more of them coming, i kept seeing new patterns in the ones that appeared. Sometimes it seemed like one would fly off and come back with another one? I wouldnt be surprised if theyre smart enough to call their friends to join the buffet! I was glad becaude i was worried there wouldnt be enough pigeons to eat all this food and i didnt want them to get sick eating too much. Like they say be careful feedibg stray cats and stuff cos they will literally not stop eating when theyre full, theyre so used to starvation that theyre like 'i dont know when ill get my next meal id rather feel sick than starve'. God seriously why do humans so callously abandon creatures that depend on them?

The pigeons seemed to like the sunflower seeds the best! And oddly i seemed to notice they had a 'gotta eat them in the right order' kind of thing? Initially when i put down the dried worms they didnt go for them and they just seemed to go for bread and seeds. But when they finished the seeds they switched to only the bugs even though there was lots of bread left and they'd seemed interested in that before. And then after the bugs they finished off the bread. I guess animals have a more finely honed instinct for telling what nutrients are in something? It seemed like they were going 'okay lets have a small nibble of this starchy luxury, then nom all the most nutritious things, then the protein. And if there's any luxury left then maybe we'll chow down for dessert!' Itwas just so cute they really seemed to have a three course meal structure to it?? It wasnt just cos the worms were out of their vision or anything, the whole flock just followed each other between the piles of things and nommed in order.

Also there were some jerkass seagulls! Seagulls, no! I know you guys arent dependant on scavenged food, you can take care of yourselves perfectly well so be nice to the smaller birds! I ended up throwing chunks of baguette in wide baseball arcs to lure them away from the crowd, cos they wouldnt even just eat together but kept flapping to scare the pigeons away too. I mean thats very smart and tricky but its also mean, yo. Be more responsible as the king of british pest birbs!

And OH MAN it made me so sad to look at the pigeons and see so many interesting patterns that must have once been bred as pets. There was one that was almost perfectly white with some chocolate coloured spots and pink beak and eyes! And i kept seeing ones that were hurt or sick or disabled and it sucked to know i couldnt do anything to help them. There was one that flew a little sideways, one that seemed to have a broken leg, lots of uneven amounts of toes, one with one wing bigger than the other, one with bloody stains on its feathers, one with a tumourously overgrown nose wattle...god, you poor things...

I just really hope i gave them a happy few hours of today. I hope maybe they'll have a slightly higher chance of surviving now. And i hope i can feed them again next time i walk past!

Maybe not buy the dried bugs again tho cos that didnt help with the social anxiety. It feels extra embarassing to be feeding something weird to birds even if its more healthy. And i felt like i had to stay there until they finished it all cos itd be embarassing to leave a bunch of bugs on the floor. But i hope the pigeons liked those bugs!!

[hogsteeth-archive]

alright then i answered one of them oc questions things for both versions of ira bc like. why wouldnt i. first answer is 1976 58y/o rhodesian ira, second answer is 201x 16y/o houstonian ira. i just wanted to figure out how different they really are. questions from here. if readmores still dont work on mobile im sorry lmao

what are some things they have strong opinions about?

he has sort of a cioranian attitude to the value of life, like, hes one of them “theres always reason to kill a man, theres no way to justify his living” types. he doesnt believe in nationalism per se but he does believe in war, hes literally a mercenary, and hed probably get along just fine with someone like mike hoare, but hes not one for unnecessary cruelty. hes kind to who he considers innocent. if he was alive today i can see him getting grouped w/ like, anti-natalists, right-wing “primitivists,” people who browse /fo/, people who think theyll thrive in the post-apocalypse even though they cant even spin yarn, people who dont understand fallout, you know, those types, but i like to think his attitude wrt civ is closer to perlmans or, well, mine. its a good thing he doesnt live in internet times. he thinks technology makes people complacent and weak and hes fallen into the trap of the “noble savage” myth; sign of the times. he could just as easily live off the grid in like, alberta, but he chose to stay in southern africa bc of his colonial attitudes & fetishization of the “less developed.” (sidenote, if youre like, new here n reading this for some reason, yea i write like really really bad characters were talking irredeemably evil here, just like, know that im aware of that.) also he detests hippies for both bad and good reasons ⸻ not much, really, hes an opportunist, a hedonist, hes selfish, goes w/ the flow. he thinks denying yourself pleasure for no reason is microfascism — not in those words — and while he doesnt think that selfishness leads to a bettering of overall society, hes no randian, he feels justified in what he does. hes uh, a mercenary in spirit and ive always intended to have him join the marines n later work for a pmc but were nowhere near there yet

what traits do they like in other people? what traits do they not like?

he likes people (men, that is) that are exactly like him. he likes Narrator bc hes just as quiet, as patient, as stubborn, as antisocial (using that the right way here, i like, know about psychology), as violent, as old-timey-ly masculine as he is. he can tolerate clade (his former accountant) bc she keeps to herself and shes loyal to a fault, but he doesnt go out of his way to like, actually talk to her. he likes will bc he reminds him of what he was like as a child living with his matabele mother. ⸻ he hates everything he perceives as weakness, but hes not all that open about that, i think hes not even 100% aware thats what it is. he needs to be talked back to. he lacks compassion, doesnt know how to deal w/ anyone whos less resilient and abrasive than himself.

do they have a significant other? if so, who?

i mean, theres Narrator — thats kinda what this whole thing is about. but theyll never think of each other that way. its complicated. theyre uh… closer to being marlow and kurtz than to being boyfriends. idk how to explain it. its bad. ⸻ hes fake-dating millah for appearances and secretly seeing jack, im not sure about the details either so im not getting into that, but hes eventually gonna meet will; ive written their first encounter like ten different ways and i still dont really know what i wanna do w/ them........ also Complicated

whats their friend group like? what role do they play (leader, mom friend, etc.)?

he lives in a hut he built w/ his bare hands on the edge of the kalahari. his friends are one horse and one vaalboskat. ⸻ he uses his friends but they use him too. hes reasonably popular bc hes athletic n wealthy, but i think the only one of his friends who really truly sees thru his act is millah, and bc he doesnt take her seriously as a threat, she has more control over him than he realizes.

do they care about their physical appearance? whats their routine like?

nah ⸻ not really. he showers too often and his hairs kinda dry but other than that hes like. Normal. idk i dont care about these things

do they have any physical or mental disabilities?

i dont think so ⸻ he has adhd

what would they die for? kill for?

oh hes not picky. he joined the military at 17, hes made peace w/ the prospect of dying. hes been more uncomfortable w/ the thought of growing old, actually. and again, hes literally a mercenary. not a big deal to him. ⸻ i dont think hes selfless enough to die for anyone. hed kill to protect the people he cares about, but thats more just bc hes possessive. im sure thats gonna come up eventually. i cant really write shit w/o weaving murder in somewhere.

do they have any magical powers or abilities? if its a realistic world, what religion do they follow?

absolutely the fuck not i hate magic. hes not religious, actually feels a little intimidated by religion. in one version of his story he spends his 50s on east nusa tenggara where he doesnt live far from a church, and he makes peace w/ the concept of god thanks to the influence of catholic-raised Narrator, but i doubt hell ever actually step foot into a church, or temple, or mosque, or what-have-you. hes internalized some things during his upbringing though that he doesnt classify as religious. little superstitions. he likes to keep objects that may be used for divination around his house, but he never touches them. ⸻ not religious, but if he had to pick, like to pretend, hed say baptist.

do they celebrate any holidays? how do they celebrate?

nah ⸻ like, the regular american ones. hell welcome any excuse to drink and to socialize, and id say his favorite holiday is the 4th of july, really just bc he likes warm weather and theres not a lot else you can celebrate in the middle of summer. hes not attached to the significance of any holidays. hes not crazy about christmas but he likes his family well enough and hell go along w/ it all, just to have sth to do. hes not good w/ time off.

if they were the protagonist in any book series, what series would they choose? alternatively: what would be their favorite book?

he doesnt really read but hed feel right at home inside heart of darkness or maybe the thin red line. or maybe sth by mccarthy ⸻ hes 16 he hasnt read jack shit. i wanna say deleuze would probably resonate w/ him bc hes a total self-insert but i really dont know. i try to keep the intertextuality way low bc i hate that shit in most fiction, so like, i try not to think too much about other books here

do they have any vices?

uh he drinks and he occasionally smokes opium but compared to most of my characters hes pretty okay wrt that ⸻ yea like… all of them. already said hes a hedonist make of that what u will

do they play any instruments?

nope ⸻ violin but he hasnt been practicing a lot lately

what would their favorite ride at an amusement park be?

hes never been to one ⸻ i feel like hed be into sth really lame… like you know that video by jenny nicholson, top ten lame things to do at disney world? sth like that. like hed go just to get a specific food item or to admire the infrastructure

what animal would they say best represents them?

hyena 100%. the spotted kind. id say tortoise also but hed find that insulting ⸻ id say hyena but hed be reluctant to answer that bc hes a Youth and he knows what a furry is

how do they act when theyre drunk?

vulnerable. little more talkative. he talks to himself (or the cat, rather) sometimes ⸻ more abrasive/tactless/impulsive. he talks w/ his whole body and feels like moving/running bc, again, self-insert

which era of history would they most like to live in?

the old west, like early to mid-19th century, maybe late 18th. that or like the really olden days, like mid-paleolithic ⸻ idk maybe like ten or twenty years earlier. i think he fits the 21st century pretty well. hes a curious person though and if he had a time machine hed go Everywhere at least once

whats their favorite food?

ah thats. complicated actually i have a whole list of foods that remind me of Narrator but ive never gotten around to making one for ira. hm. he likes poultry, like ostrich. white fish. dry/salty foods. sour fruit. breadfruit. fatty dark meats, blood sausage. hes not picky though, hell live on pap and water if he has to. ⸻ i genuinely dont know. im not used to the contemporary western setting yet like… pop tarts exist in the same world as he does and im not comfortable w/ that yet. like, branded food articles wrapped in plastic. thats so weird to me. i guess he likes (american) pizza w/ greens on it, like spinach? and seafood. sour candies, maybe, i dont think he has much of a sweet tooth. he puts salt n butter on potatoes and cottage cheese on pancakes.

what songs remind you of them?

conveniently theres a whole playlist rite here

whats their favorite season and why?

dry season. he doesnt like cloudy/foggy weather bc it makes him feel trapped when he cant see as far. ⸻ summer. i honest to god think people liking cold weather is a conspiracy like im not sure thats even biologically possible. like summer is the obvious answer here

which d&d class would they play as?

nah we dont do nerd shit round these parts

whats their favorite expletive?

he like, barely talks ⸻ nothin weird thats for sure, we campaign for simple straight-forward language in this house. having a Favorite is inherently at odds w/ that. bad question

whats their favorite candle scent?

no scented candles in the desert ⸻ sth fruity but not sweet, like mixed berries, sth red or purple

how do they feel about death?

he doesnt ⸻ hed feel cheated by life if he died young. he has a lot to see and do and itd like, bum him out not to get to do that but hes not afraid of death

do they collect anything? whats their most prized possession?

he lives pretty austerely but he does keep little rocks and gems and bones and pieces of wood n such. also coins from all the countries hes been to bc hes a simple old man. i wanna say his most prized possession is his hogs tooth bc he does value the marines a lot still. its where he first met Narrator :-) ⸻ he really appreciates gifts people give him, things that remind him of people. jack carved him an eagle once

do they play any sports?

no ⸻ nothing too organized. i dont think hes on any school teams bc idk if he has the time but that might change. he does run/hunt/fish/shoot

what one place do they really want to visit and why?

he likes deserts, wide open spaces. hes been to the kalahari n namib but not the gobi/sahara/simpson etc, so, those. no ice deserts though those scare him ⸻ polynesia/southeast asia, just tropical places in general. bc theyre nice what do you want me to tell you. tropics good

what languages do they speak?

northern ndebele, afrikaans, english (w/ various influences), some vietnamese ⸻ english, some cajun french, some spanish

what are some items they always carry? what weapon do they favor using if they exist in a world where weapons are necessary?

hes got his fal obviously and he does always carry a knife, just to be safe. more out of habit than actual necessity (not to imply rural areas were safe in the late 70s, but he lives in the literal wilderness, hes not much of a target. stays away from roads and all that.) ⸻ man hes really not as classy as i want him to be :/ he probably has like, a glock 17 w/ ten thousand pointless modifications n some uglyass stipling pattern. hes a little bit paranoid + irresponsible n carries all kinds of shit he doesnt need, mostly way too much cash

which emoji would they use the most?

no ⸻ he doesnt have a phone, hell maybe use a burner if he has to. this is an anti-phone household

what fantasy race would they be? if they already are one, pick a different one.

absolutely not

do they want to start a family? if they already have one, describe it.

no ⸻ no

what stereotypical high school clique would they fit into?

hed swing between the jrotc kids n the stoners honestly, but still mostly keep to himself ⸻ hes like, too much of a jock for the Delinquents, too much of a Delinquent for the jocks. hes really only popular bc hes rich-ish n blessed w/ good looks, and by association w/ millah

whats one thing that they dont need do they waste the most money on?

he doesnt ⸻ everything. hes really wasteful. he buys more food than he can eat, clothes he never wears, etc etc, hes terrible

what kind of shoes do they wear?

combat boots or just traditional sandals. the terrain around his house is mostly grass and flat boulders so he goes barefoot a lot ⸻ regular tennis shoes, nothin too fashionable bc he cant be bothered to keep up w/ trends, but usually clean n new. hiking boots when hes not w/ his regular friend group

do they believe in ghosts, aliens, and the occult in general?

really dont like how aliens are always grouped in w/ esoteric shit bc like, thats like asking if you believe in atoms honestly. no shit “aliens” exist thats like not up for debate. both iræ would agree w/ me here. 70s ira doesnt believe in like, Ghosts per se, but he has some vague concept of spirits that he got from his mother. he sees/feels them when hes half asleep. ⸻ 2010s ira doesnt believe in jack shit

which deadly sin do they most correspond to? which heavenly virtue?

nooo cardinal sins dont work that way theyre not hogwarts houses. its so much more complicated than that thats impossible

if you had to choose one tarot card to represent them, what would it be?

hmmm four of swords? knight of coins? eight of cups? this is hard ⸻ seven of swords? nine of cups? the devil? i dont know

what do they consider to be their best quality? what actually is their best quality?

his strength, which is really just his callousness and lack of convictions. and uh. i guess his independence ⸻ same here for the first part. and. maybe his loyalty? i dont consider loyalty a good thing personally idk

what do they consider to be their worst quality? what actually is their worst quality?

his lack of social skills maybe? he doesnt need them too often of course but like, the first time Narrator showed up at his doorstep he was genuinely nervous and that did fill him w/ some semblance of shame and in his eyes he should be good at everything, so like. that. really its his lack of conviction and his timidness/avoidance of the world ⸻ his dependence on others/lack of discipline. really its his lack of compassion, like, obviously

[glossie]

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!!!! get ready for spam lmao

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

I’m super shy!! like i usually tend to wait for people to approach me rather than starting conversations myself ; ; but……if necessary, i’ll try my best be outgoing…….lmao as the years go by, i try to work on my shyness

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

My mom and aunt!!! They’re coming this weekend to help me pack out of my dorm!!!!!! very excite! im also excited to see my best friends this summer ;; after so many months of simply texting and skyping each other :0 i cant wait to hug them and bug them in person

4. Are you easy to get along with?

um. probably not

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? 

someone really nice ;; and knows how to deal with my ups and downs and umumumum itd be a huge plus if youre easy on the eyes ._. OH and have lots of money. I also like hardworking people!! like people who care about consequences and their future. like honestly i have a hard time being attracted to people who dont even bother to work (obviously if you have a disability/situation that prevents you from working it’s understandable, but im talking about the people who have everything and do nothing with it)

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?Lmao ok bc im a dork im just going to do my 5 favorite bts songs and my 5 favorite uh non-bts songs ahahahahaha…………..

Agust D - The LastBTS - Cypher 4 (it was so cool when i saw it live :000000)

BTS - Spring Day

BTS - Begin

BTS - Stigma (um okay so tbh i just like the entire wings album whoops)

BTS - Outro: Do you think it makes sense?

Jadu Heart - Moon Rising

Gorillaz - Andromeda (feat. D.R.A.M.) (my middle school emo self is screaming at their comeback)

Sango - Agorinha (I love a lot of Sango’s Brazilian funk ahhhh)

Meko Supreme - Uncle Phil

Hesterv75 - Kjører omvei for å kjøpe sigaretter

15. What good thing happened this summer?

I went on lots of trips with a variety of close friends! Looking back on photos from those trips always makes me happy26. What do you do when you wake up?

I look through my emails (especially rn bc im still waiting for college admission decisions fml) and tumblr and catch up on messages friends texted me while i was sleeping. Sigh this is a bad habit bc i always end up late to class lmao…..33. Spell your name with your chin.

?????? Im not sure how to do this??? wha???? but to make up for my confusion, ill just spell my name with a cipher have fun: ojljub

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

HMMMMMm okay this is hard bc i cant write without music BUT THEN AGAIN i cant just sacrifice my tv ;; why does this question exist. okay um ill live without tv, bc to be fair, i kind of dont even watch tv anymore, like i just starting binge watching like last weekend and now im done binge watching bc finals

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

I just nod my head vigorously and give a thumbs up CRIES WHY AM I LIKE THIS

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

Okay i feel i answered this before but hm. okay. So basically this person would share a lot of my interests/values and be super nice!! and loaded. Lots of money. career-minded!! I always assumed that I’d probably fall in love with someone i work with/meet at work, as weird as that sounds lmao…..but yeah  We live in a nice as fuck house and both have our own careers. We definitely eat dinners together. The other person cooks bc i cant cook for shit lmao. I like french food. but like. GOOD french food. and hmmm this person dresses well too!! and has a good hairstyle. uh yeah hmmm and they just have to be super cool. 

54. Favourite store?

So many! esp in san francisco omg, like there’s a gorgeous hat store on Haight street, 70% of the stores in Union Square, the Leica store near Chinatown, Citylights Bookstore on Russian hill, Fay’s Coffee and Video Rental near Dolores Park. BUT my most favorite is the Kinokuniya Bookstore in Japantown!! I just love their selection of Japanese and English works. They have so many good design magazines and childrens books and knick knacks ugh 10/10 would recommend just go please57. Favourite food? 

So many……..um well first and foremost I love my mom’s Indian food the most ;; she never cooks bc shes always busy working/doing other peoples work, but she makes the best indian food and she knows i HATE cilantro so her food is always the best��..mmmm i also like any kinds of foods except for mediterranean food, oh man i just love good food, like sometimes ill go visit other states just to revisit restaurants ive eaten at years ago

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

Haha yeah, so in high school i worked for out school newspaper. So i’ve won a bunch of different regional and national journalism and design awards. the newspaper staff branded me the “scene queen” bc i specialized in scene/review writing but our paper also won awards for design so uh yeah thats my spiel on awards/competitions99. Have any pets?

I wish ;;;;;; i really want a borzoi or a kitten or ugh something fluffy and cute. My dad has always wanted our family pet to be a tortoise though idk why103. Can you spell well?im graet at spelling108. What should you be doing?

Finalizing my speech……….fml…….i just want to sleep…….

113. What was your childhood nickname?

originally, my childhood nickname was niku, but sometimes my family would try to make it “cuter” by calling me nikudiku……….and my mom still calls me nikudiku………..and my cousins say nikudiku obnoxiously………just to fuck with me………lmao i hate my family………….oooo when i was an infant, my nickname was “Gluco Baby” bc i looked like the little girl on the parle-g biscuit wrappers………you can thank my dad for that nickname……..

119. Favourite book?

umumum when i was little i read so much. But nowadays i barely have time to read for fun hmmm. I love shawshank redemption. I read it when im feeling sad and self-hating bc its just so inspiring. I also really liked the great gatsby, ellen foster, the raven boys (i still have to read the rest though lmao), michael connelly mysteries, and uh yeah there are probably more127. What makes you happy?

my best friends, my mom, pen pal letters, playing my ds, finishing a story, bts

129. What your zodiac sign?

Gemini…………….im not as terrible as tumblr says…….just kidding…..i probably am lol…..141. Night or Day?

I appreciate the day more, but night is more familiar, even if i start getting paranoid at night150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line

um so im at a library, but im also too lazy to walk and get a book, so ill just read the first ebook i find on my phone: 

“I think I’ve been losing weight lately” - one liter of tears by Aya Kitō 

[cryincoward]

hi im not okay and i really hate myslef  i rlly hate myself i hate myself i hate myself bc im terrible i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate this im not happy i hate myself i hate myself i hate me i hatet his im not happy im very unhappy i want to die i wish i were anywhere but here i wish i could explain myself why cant i explain myself whats wrong with me sometimes i feel like a have a learning disability of some sort but i feel so bad self diagnosing but my therapist doesn quote on quote diagnose and i only got my depression meds bc my fuckin doctor finally prescribed them why is my mom a naturalist why am i the bad person why is my sister asking me so much and getting mad that im getting mad stop i dont know why the fuck i do anything stop asking why i do things i dont know and i maybe dont want to sstop it stop it be quiet just watch if u have a question ask urself before u ask me and the answer is probably bc i am stupid and didnt think of it yet i didnt think of anything better stop making me feel like an idiot! stop making me feel bad for being an idiot i dont retain shit  and i never will!! i hate myself thank you for reminding me! that im a fucking idiot! god!! this isnt about u ! this isnt some deep thing and my kids arent gonna resent me bc i cant answer everything theyll either look it up or not care enough! i dont resent my mom bc she is dumb i just dont ask her why she does everything she does bc she doesnt know either! stop doing this then acting like u didnt do anything! thinking is harde and it hurts and everything i see on tumblr about learning disabilities reminds me of myself and if i was actually diagnosed would u finally treat me differently are u gonna fucking go up to someone knowing they have autism or aspbergers or anylearning disbaility and just fucking ask them why theyre like that im sorry u dont understand what its like to not fucking know everything not everyone needs to know everything not everyone is like u and i kno not everyone is like me but i am REALLY not the one acting like they are its u! so often u bring up issues with me that really arent about me! but to say that to u in the heat of the moment you would only fight me on it and convince me that im wrong again but i am not fucking clueless i can tell ur damamged but ur hurting me when u dont understand that im not u! stop asking me why i do things i dont fucking know and my kids wont fucking care! bc i am a good parent u hate urs bc shes terrible u just associated her with dumbness dont put that on me im not the one who treated u like shit ! but i understand that ur at a different emotional level than me so i dont say all this to u just to get interrupted or bc saying it out of the blue makes no sense and i dont know how to begin the conversation and i love u but i cannot solely make u better bc sometimes i feel like u dont think ur hurt but ur clearly hurt but i get we also feel hurt in different ways and youve taken urs and made urself wanna succeed but i cant do that1! i cant even succeed in the first place im a fucking dumb shit ! and im so frustrated all the time i dont want to learn and i dont want to teach all i want to do is exist but u keep trying to learn from me and teach me shit and i just dont want it! I wish i were diagnosed bc itd be so much easier to use one word to explain my behaviour than try and think of a billion behavioral traits that let ppl know hey i wont remember u or anything u say unless we hang out often and if u try to tell me something i wont remember all of it and yes it does haunt me and ill think about it later if u dont understand pls fuck off bc dealing with myself already takes so much energyu 

im tired and were out of mj and im sad and it makes me question if my meds actually ever did help bc im so very sad and tired and i wish i was easy to understand 

sometimes i rlly connect to the whole ‘young girls being underdiagnosed’ thing bc when i was younger i didnt talk much but my parents didnt seem to notice or maybe im just imagining it all and i was a “normal” child but why am i so hurt now i hate talking all i do is get into trouble and say the wrong things and hate myself for it later diufhvnjsdgb