alice-lover-in-wonderland

[alice-lover-in-wonderland]

Chapter One

“You’re going to be late,” my mom’s yelling from downstairs.

“I know! I know,” I shout back as I tear apart my room looking for my other shoe. Really Lili? The first day of college and you’re already a disorganized mess, I think to myself as I pick up the clothes on my bedroom floor and toss them behind me. I look at the clock on my nightstand. 7:30 A.M. Class starts at 9:15 A.M. which gives me and Joy enough time to stop at the coffee shop on the way. If I can ever find my other shoe, that is.

I go look on the floor of my closet but it’s not there. I get down and look under my bed but it’s not there either. Finally admitting defeat, I stand up. I decide to put on my ugly green flats that don’t go with my outfit at all. They actually don’t go with any outfit at all but my grandma bought them for me and who am I to tell a seventy-two old woman that they are the most hideous shoes ever made? I’m just not that kind of person.

I grab my bag off the chair next to the door to my room and check my reflection in the full-length mirror hanging on it. My, once brown but recently bleached blonde, hair is all over my face. And the makeup, that I just took over an hour to do, is completely messed up. I don’t have time to fix it so I grab a wipe and take it all off. Then, I quickly run a brush through my hair and put on some lip gloss before walking out of my bedroom.

As I walk downstairs, I can smell coffee and pancakes indicating that my mom made breakfast. I walk into the kitchen and find Joy, my best friend since diapers, sitting at the table. She’s sitting across from my mom with her signature cup of coffee. She has kind of a caffeine addiction.

“Well, look who finally decided to grace us with her presence,” my mom says standing, taking her plate to the sink.

“Hey,” I say sheepishly, “I’m sorry it took so long. I was looking everywhere for my favorite shoes.”

“Oh, you mean the light pink ones with the straps?” Joy asks taking a sip of her coffee.

“Yes, I can only find the left one. The right one just vanished from my room. I looked everywhere for it.”

“Did you look in the living room,” my mom asks pouring me a glass of orange juice.

“Thank you,” I take a drink of it. “No, why would I look in the living room? I take my shoes off in my room usually.”

“Lila was wearing them a few days ago,” Joy says. “She told me you knew and were fine with it. She had that big date with Mason and wanted to look ‘taller than a midget for once.’ Her words, not mine.”

“Well, I didn’t know anything about that. She didn’t tell me anything. Ugh! Why does she do this?” I shout walking into the living room. I walk to our couch and sure enough, there’s my right shoe right next to the fireplace. I throw my ugly flats into the box of shoes next to it and walk to my room to get the other shoe before putting them on. 

When I get back downstairs, I give my mom her a hug and tell her goodbye before I walk out the front door. Joy is already waiting in the car for me. I open the car door and get in. She’s dancing and singing along to some pop song that’s playing through the car speakers from her phone. I immediately start singing along with her.

She pulls out of my driveway and turns down the street, heading for the school. I think it’s so awesome that she and I got into the same college. She’s studying to be a pharmacy technician though whereas I’m studying to be a writer. So our majors are going to be different and we probably won’t have any classes together, but we can still see each other after school and possibly in between classes. We can be away from each other. It’s not as if we’re inseparable.

Joy turns the music down. “So, do you want to stop at that cute little coffee shop you enjoy so much?” she asks me.

It’s 8:05 A.M. so we have just about an hour before classes start. “We do have some time before class. Why not?” I respond back.

“Yes! More coffee for me!” She turns the music back up and starts singing again. 

I smile at her and shake my head. I really do love our friendship. I always have. We have known each other for years. We’ve been friends since forever it feels like.

We met when we were four, in daycare. My parents both worked mornings so there was no one to watch me, and since it’s against the law to leave a toddler at home, I ended up there. They would get me up at the crack of dawn and drive me to this dingy little shack, that should have probably been condemned looking at it from the outside. But on the inside, it was bright and colorful. The walls were plastered with pictures and drawings that the older kids had made and the floor was carpeted in the pattern of a rainbow puzzle. Even the ceiling was colorful, splattered with paint-covered handprints to look as if someone was fingerpainting on it. 

There were toys scattered all over the floor, but everything had a place. The teddy bears were all in the same area, the legos weren’t all over the floor and the coloring station had its own spot next to the wall full of animal drawings. The building blocks were all stacked up neatly, just waiting for some kid to come knock them down. They even had a place where the big kids could make friendship bracelets. It was a kid’s dream palace.

My mom and dad walked up to the desk where an old man was sitting. He had salt and pepper hair that was starting to recede from the front of his head. He wore these small glasses that I don’t think he actually needed to see with. He had kind, aged eyes that were a sparkling gray color. And even though he was old, he looked as if he could still run a marathon, or chase down a bratty child, if he needs to.

“Hello there, what can I help you with,” he said to my parents smiling.

“We would like to enroll our daughter, Lilian, here. We both work during the day and we don’t have a babysitter,” said my mom.

He looked over the desk counter where I was standing. “Why hello, Lilian. How old are you, dear?”

I cowered behind my dad’s legs. I always was a shy child. My dad put his hand on my shoulder and I moved closer to him.

“She’s a little shy,” said my dad petting my head, “She doesn’t know many people. We just moved here. She’s four.”

“Oh, well that’s perfectly fine. There’s nothing wrong with being a little shy,” the old man said. “Now, why don’t we let her go play while we get her all set up here? What do you say, Lilian? Would you like to go play with the toys while I talk to mom and dad?”

I looked up at my parents and waited for their approval. They nodded and I ran to the stuffed animals. I’d been eyeing this bright purple bear ever since I saw it when we first walked in. Purple was my favorite color at the time but things have changed since I was four. I grabbed the bear and started to pretend it was my baby. That’s when I met Joy.

She was sitting on the floor playing with a Barbie doll. But she wasn’t playing like a normal kid. She was pretending that her doll was in space and the queen of the martians. I was fascinated with her from that point on. I walked over to her and picked up my own doll. I was afraid she would tell me to go away, but she didn’t. She added me to her adventure instantly.

My parents came over and told me that they were going to be heading to work. They asked me who my new friend was and I realized that I never asked her name. 

“Joy,” my new friend said smiling at my parents, “My name is Joy. I’m four and I’m the Queen of the Martians!” 

“It’s nice to meet you, Joy.” my mom said.

“A queen? I didn’t know we were in the presence of royalty!” my dad said laughing.

“I’m not a real queen,” Joy whispered in my dad’s ear, “It’s all pretend.” She turned to me then, “You’re dad’s really strange.” 

“I know he is, but you gotta love him,” I said back to her. “I’m Lilian.”

“Lilian? That sounds like an old librarian name.”

I blush, “It’s my grandma’s name, but I don’t think she was a librarian.”

“Can I call you Lili?”

“Sure. I like that.”

“Okay,” she turned to my parents, “Can Lili and I go color?”

When my parents said of course,  she took my hand and pulled me towards the coloring station. Then the rest was history. We were best friends from that point on.

“Did you hear anything I said,” Joy asks me pulling me from my flashback.

“What? No...Sorry! I was thinking about how we met,” I say apologetically.

She sighs, “I said, ‘I can’t wait for this weekend. Jay has planned this super-secret special evening and he won’t tell me anything about it.’ Do you know what he’s planning?” 

“Oh, yeah. I helped him plan it. He asked me for advice and I gave it to him.”

“Lili, how could you keep this from me? I thought we were besties!” she folds her arms across her chest and pouts.

“Oh stop you. You are my bestie. Which is why I’m not ruining this surprise for you. Trust me, you’re going to thank me for not saying anything once you see it.”

“Fine, I suppose you’re right. Oh look, here comes a waiter finally!” 

“You are so overdramatic sometimes. This is a busy place.”

I look around the coffee shop, it’s actually a quaint little place. The coffee bar is crowded with hipsters and soccer moms probably late for a PTA meeting. The walls are painted a pale blue color that compliments the light hardwood floor. The square tables all have marble tops and the chairs are the comfiest things I have ever sat on. The back wall is lined with a bookshelf that is stuffed with different kinds of books. 

That’s where Joy and I are sitting when I see him for the first time. I don’t know his name. I just know that he is the most beautiful man I have ever seen. He has jet black hair that is just long enough to cover his ears, which are pierced with small black studs. His build is average and he’s quite tall. He’s wearing a waiter uniform so that means that he must work here and he’s walking over to our table.

“Hi, I’m Phoenix, are you ready to order,” he asks Joy as I try to calm my pounding heart.

“Um, yes, I would like a frozen hazelnut coffee with whipped cream and a danish,” she tells him.

“Alright,” he turns to me and I feel my face flush, “And for you?”

“Um, I-I-I,” I stutter trying to make words come out.

He looks at Joy, confused. “Is she okay?” 

“She is just, really nervous,” I shoot her a glare, “It’s our first day of college and she is worried.” 

I mouth, ‘Thank you’, to her.

“Ah,” he turns back to me, “Well, there’s no reason to be nervous. I’m sure everything will work out fine. Unless it doesn’t. Anyway, can I get your order now?” 

“She’ll have the same thing I am,” Joy says saving me from further embarrassment. 

“Okay, two frozen hazelnut coffees with whipped cream and two danishes. I’ll be right back with your order.” He turns and walks towards the coffee bar.

Not realizing that I was holding my breath, I start breathing again. “Thank you so much! I have no idea what just happened. It was like, I couldn’t think straight.” I tell Joy.

“Girl, I’ve only seen you act that way maybe two times before,” she gasps in excitement, “Ooo, do you like him?” 

“What? No! I don’t even know him! How can I like someone I don’t even know?”

“Well, maybe you should get to know him,” she smiles slyly.

“Oh, no. No, no, no. You are not going to tell him. Nope. Not happening Joy,” I shake my head vigorously at her.

“Oh, come on! You can totally just get his number. What’s the harm in making a new friend?”

“I don’t know him well enough to be his friend. I don’t even know his name.”

“Sure you do, he said it. ‘Hi, my name is Phoneix, are you ready to order?’” she says mocking him, “He literally just said that.” 

Crap! He did just say that. Phoenix. That’s a pretty interesting name. Maybe I could get his number.

NO! Stop thinking that! You don’t even know him! What if he’s some psychotic maniac? You could end up on the First 48.

“Joy, I’m not asking for his number. I don’t know him. What if he’s some maniac and I end up on the First 48? How could I be your bestie if I’m dead?”

“What was it you were saying? Something about me being overdramatic?”

I roll my eyes at her, “I’m not doing it. It’s not happening. Now, let’s just get our order and then go to school and pretend this never happened.”

“Ugh, you are so not fun sometimes. I’m your best friend. I’m supposed to push you into situations that make you uncomfortable. Get you out of your safe space and ready for the real world.”

“Yes, but getting the number of some man that works in the coffee shop? Is that really getting me ready for the real world?” Out of the corner of my eye, I see Phoenix bringing our coffees and danishes. “Shush. He’s coming back. Don’t say anything, please?”

She makes a zipping like gesture over her mouth. He walks up to our table and places the drinks in front of us. Then, he hands us our danishes.

“Anything else I can get you lovely women,” he asks Joy. He’s probably afraid I will freak out again if he talks to me, and I just might.

“No, I don’t think so,” Joy says looking from me to him, “but, would you like to sit here with us for a second? I’m trying to prove a point to my friend here.” She smiles at me cunningly. What is she up to now?

He looks over his shoulder at the clock on the wall. “Sure, I was just about to go on my break anyway,” he pulls up a chair next to me and I get a whiff of his cologne. And it smells good. “So what is this point you are trying to make,” he waits for a name.

“Joy,” she kindly gives, she points to me, “and this is Lili.”

“Nice to meet you, Joy and Lili. So what exactly is this point?” He looks from Joy to me and his eyes linger a bit. I force myself not to stare at him.

“I was just telling Lili here, that it’s not that hard to get someone’s number,” I feel my face turn red and I glare at her.

“And I-I was j-just telling Joy, that it’s not h-hard, just awkward asking f-for someone’s number.” I manage to say, only stuttering occasionally. 

He turns to face me and I almost melt. “Yeah, that is true. It can be extremely awkward trying to get someone’s phone number. But, it’s really not all that hard.” 

“So, if it’s not hard, why don’t we all exchange numbers? That way it shouldn’t be awkward. We can all just put our numbers in our phones and text each other our names. So we all can get to know one another.” Joy says smiling at me.

“I’m sure, Phoenix was it? I’m sure he doesn’t want to do-” I get cut off by Phoenix.

“Actually, yeah, that sounds awesome! I never had anyone ask me to do this before. Yeah, let’s do it!”

“Great. I’ll give you my phone and you can give him yours, Lili,” Joy looks at Phoenix as she hands him her phone. “We already have each other’s numbers since we’re best friends,” she laughs.

“Right, of course,” Phoenix hands her phone back after inputting his number. He holds his hand out waiting for mine.

“Joy, shouldn’t you put your number in Phoenix’s phone?” I say, stalling.

“I will right after I get back from the bathroom. You go ahead and put your number in his first, okay Lil?” Joy gets up and walks to the restroom leaving me alone with Phoenix.

“Here you go,” he says handing me his phone. 

I reach into my bag and grab mine. I give it to him and our hands graze each other. His hands are very warm and big. They kind of remind me of my dad’s hands. Comforting.

I open Phoenix’s phone and admire his wallpaper. It’s abstract and colorful. “I like your wallpaper,” I say to him. 

“Hey, thanks. I like colors and shapes,” he chuckles innocently.

“That’s adorable,” I laugh, “Let me just finish putting my number in then.” I hand him back his phone. “I’m really sorry about Joy. She’s always doing the most.”

“Hey, it’s no big deal. I think it’s actually kind of cool that she is so out there.”

“I like how you just met her, and you already know that she’s ‘out there’,” I smile and shake my head.

“Yeah, I’m really good at reading people’s energies. It’s a blessing and a curse. I can tell when something is off, even if I don’t know what that something is. So I will go crazy worrying about something but I don’t even know why I’m worrying. I just know that I should be worrying.”

“That sounds awful. How do you cope with that? Worrying constantly though, I get that. I feel like I’m always on edge. Even when there is nothing wrong.”

“Damn, you got anxiety? I used to but I learned how to be zen and got over it mostly.”

“I would love to learn how to be zen. I haven’t been zen a day in my life.”

“Now that sounds awful. Don’t you ever relax?” He moves closer to me and I start to shake.

“Sometimes? Maybe? No, I don’t think I know how,” I laugh nervously.

“Well, maybe I can help you relax sometime,” he smiles and looks at me with those dark brown eyes and I blush. 

Before I can answer, Joy sits back down. “I’m back! What did I miss?”

“Nothing,” Phoenix says standing, “But it is time for me to go back to work.”

I look at the time on my phone and it’s 8:45 A.M. “We need to get going too. It’s almost time for class.” I keep staring at Phoenix, not wanting to take my eyes off of him.

“It was wonderful, talking to you Lili and Joy,” as he starts to walk away he turns back around, “I can’t wait to get to know you better.” He looks right at me when he says it. He turns and walks back to the bar.  I can’t help but smile and bite my lip.

“Okay, seriously, what did I miss?” Joy asks confused.

“Nothing,” I say grabbing my bag and linking her arm in mine, “You just pulled me out of my comfort zone and I don’t think I am going back in.” I turn her to face me. “Thank you. For everything you do for me. I think I’m going to enjoy talking to Phoenix.” I smile brightly.

“Ooo, I knew it! You do like him! See? A bestie can just tell. I want all of the screenshots from your conversation,” she says giddily.

“Fine, fine. But for now, we need to get to class. Or we’re going to be late and I don’t want to be late on the first day.” I shove her towards the door but before I walk out, I turn around to see Phoenix watching me and I smile at him. 

Yep, definitely out of my comfort zone.

[alice-lover-in-wonderland]

I Fell In Love With the Devil

Prologue

Have you ever met the Devil? No? Well, I have. Or at least the human version of him. And he doesn’t have red skin and horns growing out of his head. He has dark brown eyes that can see into your very soul and jet black hair. He’s truly…beautiful.

Isn’t that funny? To think that the Devil can actually be beautiful and not this horrendous creature we think about when someone brings him up? We all think of him as this soulless entity who lives in Hell and makes us do all kinds of terrible things. We all blame him for when something goes wrong. When we let temptation get the best of us. 

People always blame him. They say things like, “Didn’t get that promotion at work? That must be the work of the Devil,” or “So you decided to sleep with your secretary? Shouldn’t have let the Devil tempt you like that.” 

But why do we blame him? What if he really isn’t a bad guy after all? We all have our own conscious. We all know the price for giving into temptation. Actions have consequences, we all learn that from a young age. Our parents drilled it into our heads before we could even walk.

So maybe he isn’t actually evil. Maybe he’s just misunderstood. Perhaps, he didn’t tempt Eve with the apple, but instead, she took it on her own. After all, the only sin the Devil was guilty of was loving himself more than God. But aren’t we all taught to love ourselves? 

Loving yourself doesn’t make you a bad person, does it? My parents taught me that you can’t truly love anyone until you love yourself first and I took that advice to heart. So why was he kicked out of Heaven for loving himself? Maybe everything we all learned about the Devil is actually false. Maybe he’s not a bad person and it’s all in our heads.

When I met him, he was so enticing. Inviting. Seductive. I thought that he was the most interesting person I had ever known. And I thought all of those things. 

That he was a good person that just did bad things sometimes. After all, good people do bad things from time to time, but that doesn’t mean they’re necessarily bad. They’re just human. I thought the Devil could be human. That I could change him into being a decent human being.

But that’s not how it works, and I would soon find out that I was wrong. You can’t change the Devil.

[alice-lover-in-wonderland]

“Your worst sin is that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing.” - Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment

[alice-lover-in-wonderland]

If you’ve ever dreamed of being a writer and aren’t, the only thing keeping you from becoming one is you. Tell yourself to fuck off, stop being scared, and write something awesome. You’ve got it in you and you know it.

– C. Robert Cargill

[alice-lover-in-wonderland]

"It was books that made me feel that perhaps i was not completely alone."

Clockwork Prince, Cassandra Clare

[alice-lover-in-wonderland]

I Fell In Love With the Devil

I walk up to Phoenix’s locker at work and slam it shut. It almost smashes his hand but he retracts it too quick.

“Well, hello to you too,” he says smiling stupidly.

I roll my eyes and scoff. “Don’t ‘well, hello there’ me,” I say mocking him. “What the hell, Phoenix?” He tilts his head questioningly and looks at me with those dark brown eyes. At one point that look would have made me swoon, but right now all I want to do is punch him in his perfect face. 

His perfectly handsome face. No. Stop that, Lili. Stay focused.

“What’s wrong,” he asks innocently. As if he could ever be innocent.

“What’s wrong? Um, how about our entire relationship was a big fucking lie! That’s what’s wrong.” My voice gets higher as the anger rises inside me.

“Whoa, what are you talking about? How was our relationship a lie?” he tries to caress my cheek but I pull away.

“It meant nothing to you. I meant nothing to you. I never did…” Tears try to escape from my eyes but I won’t let myself cry. He’s not worth any more of my tears. “You never cared about me. Not the way I cared about you. And I was foolish for thinking that you could. But you never loved me, Phoenix. You don’t love anyone but yourself.”

“Where is this coming from,” he asks confused. “Why are you saying I don’t care about you? You know I care about you.” I can’t help but laugh at his lie. He doesn’t like that very much though. “Don’t laugh. This is serious. What’s going on?”

My vision starts to get blurry as tears start to swell in my eyes. I don’t know how much longer I can hold them back. “Why do you lie to me,” I ask shaking my head at him. “What do you get out of lying to me?” 

“I’m not lying to you,” he sighs, “Okay, calm down and tell me what’s going on. Please? What happened?” He pulls me in so my head is on his chest. 

I try to I really hate him right now. I hate how he can make me feel like I actually might matter to him. When I know for a fact that I don’t and I never have. I feel so broken. I can’t stop the tears as they start to fall.

I want to pull away. I want to run away and never look back. I don’t want to be in his arms nor against his chest. I feel sick to my stomach because I know this isn’t right. So why does it feel like it is?

No! I won’t allow myself to think like this. He’s a bad guy. He doesn’t care about me. He’s only acting this way to keep me around. He has never loved me.

I fight to get out of his arms. I turn to face the wall opposite of his locker. If I look at his face, I know I will cave in. I know he’ll win and I will do everything to make sure that doesn’t happen, he’s put me through enough already.

“Just stop it, Phoenix. I already know how you really feel. So stop lying to me and just tell me the truth.” I say staring at the wall.

“Lil, I told you the truth. I do care about you. You know I always ha-”

“Stop lying!” I shout, cutting him off. He stands still. “Please, just tell me the truth. I think you owe me that.”

“Fine,” he says giving up, “what do you want me to say?”

“The truth. Just tell me the truth.”

“The truth? About what exactly?” I want to punch him in his face. He’s trying to avoid the question by asking me questions. Well, that’s not going to happen. 

“The truth about us. How our relationship was nothing but sex to you. About how if it wasn’t me it would have been any willing woman who listened to your crazy stories. How I was nothing to you but a piece of ass.” My face gets red with anger.

He doesn’t say a word. He just stands there with that stupid look on his face. Like he knows I’m right but he won’t say anything. And I don’t think I want him to. Because then it becomes real…

“Phoenix, you know I loved you. You know I would have done anything for you. Hell, I have done anything for you. But you have never loved me. The only person you’ve ever loved is yourself and there’s really nothing I can do about that. 

Even though I have tried my hardest to. I can’t change you. I can’t make you love me. But you pretending to actually care about me, that’s what hurts the worst. Because I thought I meant something to you and I never ever did.” 

I stare at Phoenix, longing for a response that I know won’t come. I can’t take the anticipation anymore so I turn to walk away. He grabs my hand and turns me around to face him. I look right into his beautiful dark brown eyes.

“Your concern for me means nothing anymore. Since I mean nothing to you. This meant absolutely nothing to you. When it meant everything to me.” I take my hand out of his reach and walk out of the restaurant with tears in my eyes. 

I can’t be with someone like him. Someone who cares about nothing and no one. Someone who I love, and at one point, who I thought really loved me. But he just didn't. I should have known this was going to happen but I just hoped that maybe I could change him. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll mean something to him. How could I have been so blind?

He told me not to fall in love with him because he’s a bad guy. I didn’t really believe him until now. He’s a monster. I just feel stupid and used. I guess this is what happens when you fall in love with a player. I think all of this to myself because what the point in even telling him how I feel anymore?

I make it to my car and get inside. I feel like everything is pointless. Looking around the car I realize I need to talk to someone. I sigh and pick up my phone. I know the perfect person to call. I dial Joy’s number and the phone rings three times.

“Third times the charm! Hiya Lili! I miss you biscuit head.” Joy giggles. Joy has recently decided to start calling me biscuit head and I have no clue as to why, but I can hear the happiness in her voice and I smile. I need that right now. 

“Hey.” I sigh, clearly distraught. I can hear Joy’s mood switch from goofy to worried. She knows something is bothering me. She always does.

“Okay, what’s wrong? Who do I have to kill?” Joy asks, already knowing the answer before I say it. “It’s Phoenix isn’t it?”

I close my eyes, sighing dramatically. “He doesn’t love me, Joy... He never did and this hurts. I hate the way he makes me feel. Like I matter to him when really, I don’t.” 

“No, Lili, what are you talking about? You guys were just fine the other day? What changed?” Joy asks concerned.

“What changed is that I fell in love with the Devil… We were never fine, Joy. I was always just fooling myself thinking we were. But the reality of it all is that he was just using me. And I was too stupid to see it… How could I have been so stupid?”

The tears roll down my cheeks, making the phone wet. I remove it from my ear and dry it off with the sleeve of my shirt. When I place it back on my ear I hear Joy say, “You are not stupid. You just wear your heart on your sleeve. You always have, ever since we were little girls.”

She always knows how to make me feel better. I love her so much. I couldn’t ask for a better best friend. “What do you mean you fell in love with the Devil? Did he do something to you?”

Oh, you mean besides make me think I mattered to him? And make me think he loved me when he never could? Or how about the fact that he just used me for sex and if wasn’t me it would have been any other female who showed an interest in him? I think to myself. I could never tell that to Joy so all I say is, “No, you know he would never hurt me.”

“Then what makes you say that you Devil stuff? What happened Lili?”

“I don’t know how to explain it, Joy. He just changed. Everything about us has changed and not in a good way…”

“What aren’t you telling me? Are you sure he didn’t hurt you? Because you don’t have to protect him if he did. You know I’ll-”

“Joy stop. He didn’t hurt me. You know he could never… I just feel so broken right now. Like all of this was pointless. We were pointless…” I sob into the phone.

“Hey, don’t cry. No man is ever worth your tears. You told me that remember? Do you want to come over and talk about it? Jay’s at work and I’m in dire need of girl time,” she says hopeful I’ll say yes.

Which of course I do. My boyfriend doesn’t love me and I need my best friend right now. I tell her I will be on the way as soon as I dry my eyes. She tells me okay and we say goodbye and hang up the phone. 

I put my phone on the seat next to me. I reach forward and grab a napkin out of my glove box so I can dry my eyes. I use the rearview mirror to inspect my face after I finish wiping away the running mascara and eyeliner. I reach for the keys that I threw on the dashboard when I got in the car and put them in the ignition. 

Just as I am turning the key to start it, my phone lights up indicating I have a text. I grab it off of the seat so I can read it. When I see who it’s from, my heart stops. I think we should talk about this, it reads. It’s from Phoenix. 

I throw my phone back on the seat and start my car. “Nope, I say to myself. I put my car into drive and turn out of the parking lot and stop at the stop sign. When I look out of the rearview mirror, I can see him standing outside smoking. Maybe I should turn around so we can talk, I think to myself. 

But I can’t handle any more heartbreak right now. So I turn my blinker on and head in the direction of Joy’s house. “Not today, Satan.”

[alice-lover-in-wonderland]

I Fell In Love With The Devil

He looks at me with pain in his eyes. Those dark brown puppy dog eyes always got to me. Seeing them in pain hurt my soul. He looks down sadly. 

“What’s wrong,” I ask him with an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. He stays looking at the ground. I lift his head to look in my eyes. “Phoenix, tell me what’s wrong.”

“I don’t want to leave you…” He says as he looks back at the ground. I feel my face turn white. I don’t want him to leave me. I need him. He’s the only thing that makes sense in this messed up world we live in.

“I don’t want you to leave me…” I say to him, tears forming in my eyes, “Why do you have to?”

“You know why.” He says, his voice deep. A tear escapes from my eye and he wipes it away as quickly as it falls. “I’m sorry, don’t cry. You know I hate seeing you sad.”

“How long do we have together? Before you go?”

“I leave the thirteenth.”

“That’s in two days…” I say feeling more angry than sad now, “If you’re telling me that I have two days left with you...What was that earlier? About not wanting me to be sad…” I turn away from him. How could he be doing this to me right now?

He puts his hand on my shoulder, “I don’t want you to be sad.” 

I shrug his hand off of me, “Little late for that. I’m pretty sure tears mean sadness usually…”

 He backs away respectfully. “I won’t be gone for good.” I don’t respond so he continues, “I’m sorry that it’s like this but circumstances are out of my hands.” I don’t say anything as I start to walk away. He chases after me. “Will you please stop? Talk to me. Yell at me. Something? I hate when you ignore me.”

 I keep walking farther away but he somehow manages to catch up to me. He spins me around and tries to hug me. I squirm out of his grip. “Don’t touch me!” I shout at him. His eyes widen. I’ve never yelled at him before. Never really been angry at him. But right now? I was furious. “I’m really pissed off at you. Don’t fucking touch me.”

He puts his hands in the air and steps a few inches back from me. “Why are you pissed off at me? Because I’m an evil piece of shit? You knew this before you got invested in me. You knew how I was. You knew who I was. Yet you still kept wanting me. Why are you surprised now?”

“Oh, I’m not surprised at all. All you ever do is fuck everything up all of the time. You’re right, I do know who you are and what you’re capable of, but I thought maybe I could change you. Make you a better person.”

He steps an inch closer as I back up an inch. “You can’t change me. It’s what I do. It’s in my design,” he steps closer again as I back up into a tree. 

Nowhere to go now, I think to myself. 

“Yeah, I see that now,” I say fighting back more tears.

He comes closer again, knowing I have nowhere to run. “You hate me anyway,” he says as he reaches me. He’s now right in front of me.

“That’s bullshit. You know that’s bullshit.”

He leans down, his lips on my ear, “Yeah.” I start to get goosebumps as my heart pounds. I want him. He’s all I have ever wanted. But I can’t do this to myself. I can’t put myself through this torture. I refuse to. He moves closer to my lips and I think he’s going to kiss me. But instead, he backs away quickly. “But hey, at least you’ll have some material for that book you wanted to write,” he says grinning.

Is he fucking serious right now?! I feel my face flush with anger and I want to punch him in his stupid face. “Fuck that book,” I say heated, “You think I care about a book? Is that what you think all this was for? A book?”

“I care about a book. It would be a shame for our time together to be forgotten when they can be immortalized,” he touches my face and I swat his hand away. 

“The only thing I cared about on this stupid planet was my writing. It was always there when I needed to get something off my chest. It was there for when I couldn’t form sentences with my mouth. It was the only thing that I cared about. Or at least it was the only thing,” I can feel the anger coursing through my body.

Phoenix doesn’t say a word. He just stands there watching me, which for some reason is pissing me off more. It’s like he doesn’t even care how much this hurts me. “Then you came along,” I continue, “and I fell in love with the fucking Devil… who isn’t going to even be around anymore for me to talk to so what the fuck was the point of all of this?”

By now the tears are flowing down my cheeks and I’m not stopping there. Neither is Phoenix. He backs away and doesn’t try to comfort me. I don’t think I would let him if he tried. I wish I could hate him and tell him to get out of my life, but I can’t. Because that would be a lie…

It’s quiet for a couple minutes before Phoenix speaks, “Well yeah, loving the Devil doesn’t always end well,” he puts his hand on my shoulder again. I glare at him and he retracts it quickly as if a snake bit him. “But it’s not like we won’t cross paths again.”

I don’t think we will.

[alice-lover-in-wonderland]

The Carnival

The block is lit up with colors from all of the lights on the rides. There are so many rides and games I want to try. We spot Teacup ride that Joy wants to go on. I say I’ll pass since she likes spinning the wheel until I feel like I’m about to puke. 

“You big baby,” Joy says to me, “It’s just a ride. Come with me. Please?” 

“Nope. No way,” I say shaking my head, “I just ate dinner. I would like to keep it inside of me.”

“Boo, you suck. I bet Jay will go on it with me. Won’t you?” She bats her eyelashes at her boyfriend.

“Of course I will,” he says grabbing her hand, “Let’s do it!” 

“See? At least someone knows how to have fun,” Joy says sticking her tongue out at me. 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” I say waving her off as she and Jay walk to the end of the line. 

Joy’s smiling again. She’s genuinely happy and I can’t help but smile as I watch them. She deserves this happiness and Jake is wonderful to her. He loves her and isn’t afraid to show it to the world or to her. And I know she loves him. I knew it even before she told me. I couldn’t be happier for her. She waves at me as she and Jay get on the ride. I wave back at her laughing. I really love our friendship. 

As the ride starts up, I turn around taking in the scenery. At a booth across from the Teacup ride, a small girl is trying to throw rings around bottles. Her dad is holding her up so she can reach them while her mom records them on her phone. They’re all smiling and having a great time. 

“Too bad they can’t tell her it’s rigged. Ruin the fun of it all,” I hear a familiar voice say in my ear sending chills down my spine. 

I spin around and see Phoenix standing behind me.

“Of course they can’t,” I say attempting to calm my heartbeat, “She’s just a child. Let her be innocent.”

“I suppose you’re right. There’s too much corruption in the world as it is. It would be a shame to wipe that smile off her face.”

“It would,” I say turning back towards the family. 

The little girl is now holding a giant stuffed teddy bear, almost as big as her, and grinning from ear to ear.  Her father is thanking the woman running the booth while the girl’s mother is taking more pictures of her child proudly holding her prize. 

I turn back to Phoenix. “See? There’s still good people in the world.”

“The father bribed the woman running the booth,” he says quietly.

“What? No, he didn’t,” I say disbelievingly. 

“Oh he did,” he says chuckling, “Turn around and see for yourself.”

I turn around to face the family once again. The mother and daughter are fawning over the teddy bear, the child still smiling brightly. I search for the father and when I find him my jaw drops. He’s standing behind the booth handing a twenty-dollar bill to the woman running it. 

I can’t believe it. He was right. How was he right? 

“Because I can read minds, dear,” he said answering my question I didn’t ask out loud. 

“I will never get used to this,” I tell him walking away.

He begins walking next to me. “Well maybe you should,” he stops in front of me, blocking my path. “Because I don’t think I can stop it. I can block it out, mostly, but there are some I don’t want to block out.” He stares into my eyes. “Like you for example.”

I feel my face flush and I start to become nervous. How does he do these things to me? I stare back into his eyes. “You know what I want to do right now,” I whisper in his ear.

His breath catches in his throat, “What’s that?” he asks low.

“I want,” I say standing on my tiptoes in front of him, inches from his face. “To go on the Ferris Wheel.” I spin around quickly and start heading in the direction of it.

He sighs. “Really?” 

“Yes really. The Ferris Wheel is by far the best ride at a carnival.”

When I get to the Ferris Wheel, I hand the ticket collector my ticket and he helps me into the seat.

“Are you getting on with the young lady,” he asks Phoenix. 

“I guess I am,” he says staring at me. His eyes pierce me. It’s as if he can see into my soul and that shakes me to my core. 

He hands the tickets over to the man and sits down next to me. His hand lightly grazing my leg makes my skin feel electrified. Like I put a fork into an outlet and got a shock that goes through my whole body. My heart immediately begins to race. I try to calm it down as the collector comes and pulls the bar down to secure us in place. 

Then the ride starts and we’re moving very slowly until we are stopped at the top. I look down which was a completely bad idea. I must have forgotten I hate heights. I start to feel sick so I look back up and catch Phoenix staring at me.

“Do I make you nervous,” he asks, catching me off guard.

“What, no, of course not!” I lie, my voice shaking. I’m not sure if it’s because of the fear or because of him. Because honestly, he did make me really fucking nervous. I’ve never been nervous because of a boy. Ever. “I-I’m just really afraid of heights. I don’t even like going on ladders for fear of falling.”

“Ladders aren’t dangerous. Are you worried you’re going to fall off of it and get hurt?” he asks me never taking his eyes off me.

“I am. I don’t get on one if I can help it. I don’t like risking my life.”

“A fall from a ladder won’t kill you.”

“You don’t know that.”

“But I do.” He scoots closer and suddenly I’m feeling claustrophobic outside. “I know things you couldn’t ever imagine,” he caresses my cheek. “I know what you desire. I know what your dreams are. I know everything about you.”

I tense up. That’s impossible. I haven’t even known him that long. “How is that possible?” I ask him, my curiosity taking over.

“I don’t know how exactly yet, but I do know it is possible,” he moves my face to face his.

“What are you doing?” I ask him cautiously. 

“I told you, I know what you desire,” his eyes never leave mine.

“And what is it you think that I desire?”

“Me,” He says. My face turns red, “Let me give you what you desire.”

Before I can protest his lips are on mine. His body pushing against me. Getting as close as he can in that seat. This feels right. 

I enjoy the way he’s making me feel. Kissing him makes my whole body quiver. It’s electrifying. It’s as though I was sleeping my whole life and his kiss woke me up. Like something from a fairy tale that my parents used to read to me as a child.

I don’t ever want this feeling to end. I didn’t know I wanted this until this moment. He is awfully strange but I’m also insanely attracted to him. Everything about him. I want it all.

He pulls away just as the ride continues. I can’t help but smile at him. He’s extremely handsome. Something else I hadn’t noticed until this moment. How is any of this possible?

The operator stops the ride and removes the bar from our laps but I don’t stand up right away. Phoenix is the first to stand. He offers his hand and I take it, willingly for once. He helps me off the ride and down to the ground. I stop and turn to him. He really is mesmerizing. I feel as if I am under a spell. Put into a trance by his kiss. 

I start to say something but I’m cut off by Joy yelling my name. 

“Over here!” I yell back to her, not taking my eyes off Phoenix.

She runs up to me pulling Jay by the hand through the crowd. “There you are,” she says trying to catch her breath. “We looked everywhere for you guys.”

“We were on the Ferris Wheel, per Lili’s request,” Phoenix says smiling.

“You two should have waited for us,” Joy says pouting, “We wanted to go on it too.”

“Sorry bestie,” I say finally taking my eyes off of Phoenix and now giving Joy my full attention. “We can go on it again if you want.”

“Mmm, maybe later. Right now I am starving. Let’s go get some food. What do you say, guys?”

“That sounds fine to me. I can go for some food,” Jay says grabbing her hand and kissing it. They really are the cutest, I think to myself.

“Yes, they are,” Phoenix says in my ear. I shoot him a look telling him to stop but I’m still smiling. He turns to Joy now, “Yes, let’s go get some food,” he looks at me, “you know I’m always down to eat.” I feel my face flush.

“Okay then,” Joy says grabbing my hand, “Let’s go!” 

We start walking back to the food vendor carts. I can’t stop myself from looking at Phoenix. He’s intriguing. He’s thrilling and for a split second, I feel like he’s exactly what I needed. So why can’t I shake the feeling like I just made a deal with the Devil?

[alice-lover-in-wonderland]

That Fateful Night

When we step outside I look up at the sky. It’s the most beautiful night. The sky is pitch black but with just a tinge of purple in it. I can’t see the stars thanks to all of these city lights but I know they’re there. Dazzling brightly.“It’s really a pretty night, huh?” I ask, not expecting an answer.

“It sure is. It’s absolutely stunning,” Phoenix says. It’s quiet for a moment and all we can hear are the cars on the street before us. “So,” he says breaking the silence, “Want to make out?”

“Um, what?” I ask taken by surprise by the random question.

“Want to make out?” he asks again probably thinking I didn’t hear him the first time. Oh but I did.

“Why do you want to make out with me?”

“Why not? We can do anything we want. I can kiss anyone I want.”

“Okay… but out here? In front of all these people? There’s even a camera there,” I say pointing above his head. He turns his head.

“Oh, I suppose there is. Well, we could go behind the building. Where the cameras won’t see.”

“You get off in like, what, 10 minutes? Why not just wait until then. What’s the saying? ‘Good things come to those who wait.’” I say teasingly. 

“Ah, this is true. Fine, I guess I can wait ten minutes.” He runs his hands through his hair. I lean against the wall looking at him. 

He’s not bad looking in the slightest. He’s sweet and understanding but I know he has a dark side hidden inside of him. I like that. Probably a little too much. He’s intriguing. He’s mysterious. He’s really fucking sexy. 

“You’re staring you know,” he says pulling me from my thoughts. I feel my face flush red.

“What? N-no I’m not,” I stutter nervously.

“You kind of were,” he says as he comes towards me and leans against the wall. Our faces inches away. “But so was I,” he whispers making me smile.

I shake my head and back away. “Calm down there, Mr. Smooth.” He laughs at the name. Even his laugh is sexy. Fuck, I think to myself, I need to find a distraction but he’s so enticing. Quick, time to make a getaway before I get in too deep here. “Hey, I’m getting chilly so let’s go back inside. Your coworkers are probably wondering where you disappeared to anyway.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” he looks into the store window and sighs before opening the door. “I guess we can go back in. It is almost time for me to leave anyway. I should grace them with my presence for the last few minutes of my shift.”

“Exactly, then we can have our fun. Priorities. It’s always good to have them.” I walk into the store and sit back down at our table while he walks to the back and does whatever he has to do.

What am I getting myself into? 

[alice-lover-in-wonderland]

His Purpose

“How old are you? You talk like you’ve been on this world for a long time but you’re only twenty-one.” I say to him. Phoenix chuckles at this.

“I am billions of years old,” he says, “my soul is here only because it needs to save.”

“What does it need to save?” My chair screeched across the floor as I scoot closer to the table. It makes me cringe.

“Troubled souls. I must free others from the endless cycle of samsara.” 

“Samsara? What is that?” 

“Suffering. It repeats over and over and it never ends until karma is resolved and knowledge is gained.”

“So is that what you’re trying to do?”

“Yes. I must cast those around me out of ignorance and into peace and love.” 

I prop my elbows on the table and lean in listening. As I listen to him, I can’t help but think: Is any of this real? What if he’s some insane person who’s probably on drugs? I watch him intently. He looks normal. He doesn’t look insane to me. Not that I would know what an insane person looks like, but he doesn’t act insane either. Sure he says a lot of strange things but that doesn’t prove anything. Maybe he really is here for a reason.

“You think I’m insane,” he says pulling me from my thoughts.

“What,” I say surprised, backing away. “I didn’t say that.”

He smiles, “You didn’t say it. But you’re thinking it.”

A chill runs down my spine. Okay, now that’s creepy. He can’t possibly know what I’m thinking, can he? I shake away the possibility of it because that’s too much and continue the conversation. “So as you were saying before? You’re trying to cast people out of ignorance.”

“Ah, yes. That is why I am here. I am undercover. This body is a disguise,” he says.

“A disguise? What do you really look like?” Maybe he’s an alien, I think to myself.

“It does not matter what I look like, he says avoiding my question, “All that matters is my mission.” 

“Your mission? What is your mission?” 

“My mission is liberation. Freedom.”

“Okay… and who is this mission from?”

“God. The infinite source. We are cast into darkness.”

“And you’re trying to bring us into the light?”

“That is correct. Everyone has forgotten.”

“Forgotten what?”

“What is true.” I look at him confused. “The Demiurge has thrown us into ignorance.”

“The what?” I ask him, more lost than ever. What is he even talking about? 

“The Demiurge is the half maker. The architect of this universe. He has made a world of both matter and spirit. The physical and the Divine. This is the duality we live in. We have forgotten where we come from. We must remember and we will. Many are Awakening.” 

That was the last thing he says before I have to leave. What does he mean by it? Awakening? Awakening from what? I have so many questions for him. But the one that keeps bothering me is: who is he? Who really is he? Who is Phoenix? As I walk out the door I turn to ask him but he’s already gone.

[alice-lover-in-wonderland]

Why Do I Trust Him?

“Welcome to the Illuminati,” he said. 

I stared at him confused. Was he being serious? Was all this stuff he’s talking about actually real? Or is he just bullshitting me? Everything he was saying made sense in its own nonsensical way, but then again, so did he. 

Our conversations were always out there. I don’t think I can remember ever having an actual normal conversation with him. But that’s why I enjoyed talking to him. I was never bored. We never talked about the same thing over and over. It was always something new.

It’s strange actually, because I trust him completely. He could tell me the sky is purple and I would probably believe him. This is weird to me. I don’t trust anyone this easily. I haven’t even known him, fully known him, for six months and I feel like I’ve been talking to him for years already.

I don’t connect with people like this. Not men anyway. Sure I had a lot of friends that were men when I was younger but they always were trying to date me, which I hated. But with him it’s different. I only see him like a brother and he saw me as a sister. 

“I’m serious,” he finally said. 

I didn’t know what to say so I just said, “I believe you,” even though I wasn’t sure if I fully did. 

Everything else he’s told me seems legit. He even has evidence to back up most of it, but I don’t totally believe in the Illuminati. I didn’t want to tell him that though because I do believe and kind of understand everything else he has told me.

[alice-lover-in-wonderland]

This is part of a story that I am trying to write. I don’t usually let anyone read my stuff but this year I’m throwing caution to the wind.

The Mind Reading

It finally happened. Actual proof that everything Phoenix is talking about is real. And out of everything he’s told me this is the thing that has me the most freaked out.

So we’re sitting at work at the table. A customer asks for something to drink and since I’m off the clock which means it’s his job to go get it. He gets up and goes behind the counter to help the person and I’m still sitting at the table on my phone talking to my best friend who’s sick. She tells me that her lungs her and she can’t breathe. I respond and tell her to relax. Then, I put my phone back down on the table and turn to look at him. 

“Hmmm?” he says when I turn towards him. 

“I didn’t say anything,” I reply back extremely confused.

“Oh, I thought I heard you say ‘cold’.” 

I look at him startled to my very core. “Okay, now that’s freaky.”

“What is?” 

“I never said the word ‘cold’ but I did think about it…”

He looks at me shocked. “Wait, really?” He starts walking back to the table and sits down in front of me.

“Yes. I was talking to Joy because she’s sick as you know and I contemplated telling her it’s because she has a cold, but I don’t say it out loud. All it was was a thought.”

“See? This is proof, evidence if you will.”

“Evidence of what?”

“Evidence that all of this is legit. I could have just been bullshitting you. But you had to see for yourself. You had to witness it for yourself. This is validation for the rest of what I have been saying. Validation that everything is real.”

“I don’t like this… No one has ever read my mind before. This is really freaky, dude. Stay out of my head, Phoenix.” I tell him as I laugh to cover up just how freaked out I am by this. 

“I heard it out loud. I didn’t mean to, I totally thought you said it.” 

“Okay, this is too weird.” Everything is just getting a little too real for me at the moment. 

He must sense how freaked out I am because he’s the one to change the subject. “So, have you been out to dinner recently?” 

This question surprises me but I answer anyway. “Yes, I went to Applebee’s with my sister yesterday.”

“Oh, that’s cool. What did you eat?”

“I got ribs,” I answer confused. What does this have to do with anything?

“What did you get to drink?”

“A blue raspberry lemonade?” 

“Blue raspberry is a great flavor. I like blue raspberry anything.”

“Me too…” Okay, I’m confused. Why is he talking about dinner and blue raspberry flavoring? “Why are you asking me this?”

“It’s just a normal conversation. Isn’t this what normal people talk about?”

“Yes, but you’re not normal. You just read my freaking mind. That’s so far from normal.”

“Ah, true, but you seemed freaked out by that so I thought I would change the subject to calm you down.” 

“Oh, well thank you. But I don’t like normal. I get enough normal. You don’t need to be normal.”

“I can tell you don’t like normal.”

“Oh, and for the record, I never thought you were bullshitting me. For some strange reason, I completely trust you.”