#i hadnt really heard about the whole and its a specific family thing i think | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ughwhyislifelikethis · 3 years ago

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Guess I might as well do this here since it's a bit more personal/honest than I might want some irl friends to see - and bc I don't want to have to discuss it with them, frankly. I'd rather not lose a friendship over this even though it causes me to be somewhat hurt or whatever. I know, it's not healthy, I should probably not stay friends or whatever, etc but my autistic finally not bullied and excluded ass kinda refuses to be lonely rn and at the end of the day frankly it's not worth it for me personally. Could probably say something about how "saying something about shitty treatment could cause friendships to break up is shit and the queer community needs to do better etc l" but eh. Not the point.

Also, the wording in this is messy, it's long-winded, it is not explicit in exclusions and if I tried to hit every point of "by this I do not mean this specific form of discussion that falls under bigotry" it would be too fucking long, and it is already. So if you're gonna be like "Mra! you're being transmisogynist!" Or soemthing (I have no idea how you're gonna get transmisogyny from this considering I literally only talk about this in the context of cis people's views on me as a transmasculine person and I do my best to avoid things that could be interpreted badly so that that doesn't happen but watch it happen somehow. The mra thing I could see how twisting my words here could get but I do not and will not ever excuse or condone bigotry or sexism or etc under the guise of "MRA bullshit". Just bc I'm saying maybe you should think critically about how cis men are expected and asked to behave in society and how that affects them does not mean I'm saying go fix them or excuse the shitty behavior exhibited.)

I think that covers all of it, idk. Don't really care with how damn long this is and y'know, it being a vent post that's secondarily maybe helpful for explaining experiences to others and also for getting stuff worked out in my own head.

Anyways. My actual point.

I really do think some of the reason it took me so damn long to realize I was trans and specifically a trans guy is because of transandrophobia I heard offline and online. To be crystal clear - the people I'm talking about hearing it from were fucking cis. Hell, even I used to derogatorily mutter "boys" in middle school because the cis boys in my class were assholes and I wasn't great at the whole "wider picture thing". I'd barely started coming into my own awareness - honestly I think it had started fifth grade when I actually felt like a fucking person. My memories kinda really start there - everything else earlier is a blur. Saying "girls" in the same way felt wrong, bc it is, and also highlights the if it's wrong for one why exactly isn't it wrong for the other? so I didn't do it more than a few times, but I also was very confused for a while as to why I felt a separation from the things, why I didn't feel lumped in with the girls "like I should".

Again, I digress. I was saying how I as a middle schooler used to buy into the whole "fuck (not literally) boys" thing that's really popular at that age. Or maybe that was me. Idk, being ace also affected things. (The correct thing to do there would be to actually address the bullying and shit not just ignore it bc the victim is an autistic adhd middle schooler with very few coping skills and a severe lack of ability to mask.) (Also the whole "he bullies you bc he likes you is a whole topic I could probably go into about how no parties deserve that excuse bc it teaches young cis boys extremely unhealthy behaviors and also teaches cis girls that they should take it bc it's a crush, etc but again not the point. I'm ADHD, did I mention that?)

Okay. Hopefully onto the rest of my point.

Growing up afab, I was taught a lot about how "boys are". They're mean because they crush on you, you wont be chastised for saying something derogatory about an entire group of people (who aren't doing it bc of their gender but because they're assholes and the teachers didn't feel like stopping them from being assholes. Or something. There's probably an intersection of ableism there truth be told), you won't be allowed to play hockey but do figure skating it's safer! (And less boyish). Don't be like your tomboy cousins, they're gonna have to grow out of it and we'll reward that behavior when it occurs and push for less of tomboyish behavior too. Shave your legs, wear dresses, don't "look like a boy."

Don't try and "look like a boy". Not just because apparently I'm supposed to be a "girl" but "don't look like a boy."

Apparently, It's gross. Unhygenic, don't you know boys never clean up after themselves? It's undesirable to look like a boy as an afab person but ultimately for me it was taboo to even want to look like a boy.

And like, I get that there's the whole patriarchy thing and that rich cis white abled men who have no other form of intersectional oppression issues tend to be in power and all that. I'm not disputing that.

But for trans men, or at least, this one?

I was told it was bad to look like a boy or to want anything to do with being one.

And I think, honestly, there was an implied "it's a step down for you" with it.

And maybe that had something to do with growing up when a lot of the "girl power! Stuff was taking off". Maybe parents, teachers, etc were just trying to honesly say I didn't need to "step up" to be worthwhile because girls aren't lesser, and that's true. No gender inherently (structure of the world aside, in a world where bigotry isn't a thing etc) is better or worse than any other.

But I didn't hear "I don't need to step up".

I heard "you shouldn't step down, because you're valuable as you are and this would be leaving that all behind for the "easy" road of cis privilege" . And yeah, I have and always will benefit from white privilege, and able-bodied, unless something changes and I'm no longer able-bodied. But I will never be seen as either non queer (deliberately, because I want to be a safe place for queer kids to find, or for queer people in general looking for a friend) or noncis, probably. I'll never, ever be "stepping up". There's a good chance I'll always read something, because I'm autistic, I'm queer, I'm ADHD, and something will probably ring cis people's bells to say "something is off".

And I didn't - don't, as much as I'm working through it - want to "step down". It is so tempting to just recloset myself and live with the dysphoria and go after the scholarships I see aimed at cis women, the internships for that. But I can't. Because I can't even imagine just. Even stepping toward the closet. I couldn't keep the lie that I'm cis and a women up. Pandora's box was opened and I am unable to close it.

So I'll never benefit from those. And I'm stuck in the position where I can't seek out the trans specific ones because I'm not out to my parent, who I live with. And I love him to death, I do, but hearing "why do you want to look like a boy" from him hurts so damn much.

This got really long, sorry. I'm almost done.

I mentioned way above, how I used to mutter "boys" when I thought boys were being ridiculous and stupid or whatever. I've heard my friends say "men" like that and it stings, every time. Do you really think that I'm like this asshole you're talking about? That specific man is an asshole, true, but I can point you to 3 others off the top of my head who aren't. And I know there's a shit ton of shitty men out there. The point is I'm upset you automatically assume that I'm one of them even if you don't really realize that. I'm a man. I'm not cis, but I'm a man. You will pass me on the street and if you don't see the trans, you'll lump me in with the other men in your head who you will toss out a derogatory "why are men?" To.

So maybe it's a struggle because I know causing a fuss to that will get a "I'm talking about cis men" which isn't actually better. I'm a man cis or not and cis men can be good, actually. I know a good few and I'm sick of knowing that even saying that gets seen as "not all men!" Type bullshit. No, maybe I just want you to not assume my cis guy friends aren't total pieces of shit because they were born cis men. Maybe I hesitate(d) to label myself a man because I know that will downgrade their opinion on me, consciously or otherwise, if I made it a point for them to remember it.

I've definitely lost a few trains of thoughts I wanted to post somejwre here and there but anyways. Yeah. Here's a vent post and here's why the form of transphobia I specifically face because I am a trans MAN is a thing I deal with and would like to stop hearing that it doesn't exist.

I think I may make a post about how the whole concept of viewing the other gender as alien or another species isn't/wasn't just limited to cis boys about cis girls and how that ties into transandrophobia specifically (it also ties into transmisogyny I think? But I'm gonna talk about it/ramble about it in the context of transandrophobia) next but it definitely won't fit here cause this is too long already.

#step down thing #failed women #you just want to step up in the world #transandrophobia truther #transandrophobia #transmisandry #trans man #trans men #trans guy #im kinda done being told things i went through dont exist actually #and idk if these sorts of things are just me or not could be tbh #i hadnt really heard about the whole and its a specific family thing i think #i think most of the time people do experience the thing or accusations #but i...didnt so.#yeah.#vent post #all my posts are gonna be vent type posts here but im making a point especially since this blog got hit with gr #its gonna be fucking messy im not gonna be polite and im gonna try and word things so they dont come off badly but at the end of the day #this is for sorting through some feelings and shit and like if you're gonna pick through it to find something wrong just....dont. please.#at the end of the day id like to be able to vent without having it also have to be educational or activistic #sometimes i just want to yell fuck you into the void

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madisonrooney · 4 years ago

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hi it's your secret santa! first of all HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! i hope you have a wonderful day! how are you celebrating, if you are at all? safely, i hope! either way i hope you manage to find a way to have a great day full of love!! consider my christmas gift a belated birthday gift as well lol. anyway i loved reading your last answer, it was so thoughtful and sweet. i realized after reading that i barely know anything about dove lol so follow up q: what about dove makes you love her so much?

sorry for the late response! the last couple days have been v busy and ive been super tired and dissociative on top of it so i made a point to save this bc i wanted to give it my full attention!

first of all thank you!! i was going to do a virtual meet and greet with one of my favs from jersey boys but he got confused about timezones so we rescheduled but were doing it next week! then i went to a virtual walt disney family museum panel, had pizza for dinner and watched some liv and maddie, my mom made a cookie cake that we ate while watching the grinch musical, and then some friends and i watched the jersey boys movie together over skype!

im so glad you enjoyed reading my last answer! and oof thats another loaded question (i love it tho)

- like i said when first talking about what drew me to her and liv and maddie, a big thing is just how much passion and love she puts into her characters. ofc she puts passion into every character she plays, but its the passion she puts into characters like liv, maddie, and mal that means the most to me. that goes back to the fact that ive dealt with a lot of negativity directed towards me for enjoying disney channel, and then you have dove out here saying “yah im a teenager/twenty-something who not only respects what theyre doing on disney channel, but puts my all into it” not to mention she even won an emmy for playing liv and maddie in season 4! i hope that passion and talent has started to change the conversation about disney channel, and tbh i think it has at least a bit. ofc, none of this is to say other people her age acting on disney channel arent talented and passionate, but idk, something about her has always stood out to me. i find her to be more animated and expressive than most. it can be hard for me to read emotions in live action movies and shows, so thats been really important for me. not to mention she was not only playing the lead but TWO lead characters on a four season show with distinct personalities but also subtle similarities. AND the main character in the biggest DCOM franchise in years for 5 years running now. PLUS the fact that there was a period where those were both happening at the same time. she was only 16 when she started all this and hadnt even had any big roles prior to it!! she had a lot of responsibility so it was amazing to see her not only pull it off, but excel at it.

- i just love like....her aesthetic?? shes always seemed to be a very old soul to me, into old jazz music and poetry and stuff like that. its just very charming. and for her to have that aesthetic on top of being a disney channel actress is a fascinating juxtaposition.

- this is kind of sappy and it gets tiring to hear it said over and over again but that doesnt mean it isnt true: i love how transparent she is about her struggles with mental health issues, trauma, and such. she has been for a long time but even more so over the last year or two. no shade to anyone else, but a lot of actors dont really give you a look into their personal lives, they just share and promote their product. im not saying theres anything wrong with that, its good to know what youre comfortable sharing, ive just felt all the more close to her with her being as open as she is, especially as someone who has gone through trauma myself, albeit different from hers.

- kind of connected to that, i love how important spreading kindness, positivity, and love is to her. thats another thing thats been said a million times but still, its very important to me.

for example. she’ll randomly tweet things like “i love you” a lot. im one to always think of the thought process that goes on behind whatever someone posts, texts, etc., bc personally i put a lot of a thought into pretty much anything i say or do before i put it out there publicly, probably bc of my social anxiety. even tho its a simple statement and takes her a couple seconds to post, she still had to have the thought “i want to remind my fans that theyre loved” or something along those lines. and she has this thought FREQUENTLY. to just randomly get a notification every few days or weeks or so of her saying something like that is just very heartwarming to me.

the reason i connected with miley so much when she helped me through my initial trauma was bc it felt like even if no one loved me, she loves her fans, thus she loves me. thus the person i love and admire the most loves me. even if its only one person, it can be enough. it was for me at the time. i feel that same way with dove. when she came into my life, i didn’t feel as unloved, but her love was still helpful to me.

- of course i need to specifically talk about her kindness in person too. dont get me wrong (ive been saying that a lot havent i lol), i totally and completely loved her long before i met her, but naturally, i love her 10x more after the experiences ive had getting to know her in person.

i could go ONNNNNNN about the experiences ive had with her, and i have lol, and if you already heard me ramble about this in the server i apologize, but the most important thing ive taken away from every encounter ive had with her is this: she always goes the extra mile. she always goes out of her way to make people feel special. what i mean by that is she could say/do HALF as much as she has when meeting me and i would still leave over the moon feeling loved. you can tell she does this in excess bc she really truly means it and cares about people like me, she doesnt have any kind of ulterior motive and isnt just going through the motions doing whats asked of her, she simply cares about me and the rest of her fans. some examples - the first time we met, i was sobbing (lol) and she hugged me for a really long time, rocking me back and forth, brushing my hair with her thumb, calling me sweetheart and honey. she even started to tear up a bit herself. - a couple months later, i went to my first liv and maddie taping. i was preparing to reintroduce myself (i looked a little different bc id been cosplaying as maddie the first time i met her) and ofc when preparing myself, i fantasized pretty heavily as i usually do and pictured myself showing her the pic of us on my phone, her gasping, jumping out of her chair screaming, and hugging me, thinking that was probably way more than i was gonna get. that is EXACTLY what happened. then she went on to tell me how my costume made her whole weekend. things like this would continue to happen where i would set the bar impossibly high and not only would she meet it but she’d exceed it. - our usual interaction from there on would start with her face lighting up when she saw me, her calling me some kind of cute name like love or baby, and then hugging me without me even having to initiate it. - when i saw her in mamma mia, i didnt know when id be seeing her again afterwards after pretty consistently getting to see her for 2 years, so i wanted to make sure we got some kind of closure. at the stage door, i reminded her how much she meant to me and just expected like an “aww i love you too” or something back, but she said “you are an angel in my life” and i will never forget that. obvs, i havent told her ALL the details about what she and her characters mean to me but like...she can tell. she can tell if im in a homemade maddie costume sobbing into her arms that theres something there, and shes VERY appreciative of that. - i thankfully got to see her at a meet and greet a few months later and every time i thought i should get going cuz i didnt want to hold the line up, she would just open her arms for another hug. speaking of being appreciative, she even said “thank you for being such a supportive fan.” as i left, i turned around to say one last goodbye. i made sure she wasnt with the next fan yet and yelled out “bye!” and she yelled back “I LOVE YOU!!” and blew me a kiss. again, its the little things. - i saw her at a small panel in new york a few months after that. she walked in the room when the lights were down as they were playing a clip, she quietly waved hi to everyone, then saw me and loudly whispered HI BABY!!! and stopped on her way to the stage to give me a hug. (then she looked at me from the stage and asked which way i thought she should cross her legs for the interview lol) - sometimes when she sees im next in line, shell give me a knowing smile or whisper “hi baby!!” or something like that. she saw me in the crowd after clueless and seemed to make a point to come to me last bc she knew wed be talking for a while, which we did. she even told me she’d seen me in the audience, asking if i was in the front on the left, which i was.

even all that is still just scratching the surface. weve “known” each other for 5 years now and every time i think she’s done the most she can do, she outdoes herself again. not to mention when im at these events, i see her treat all the fans she meets with all of that kindness too. naturally all of this has made me love her all the more.

- finally, lets just be honest here..........................shes REALLY fucking hot.

#gcwca secret santa #Anonymous

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frigfridge · 6 years ago

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just finished rewatching toy story 1 thru 3 over the past few days, wanted to share my thoughts:

i love these movies a whole lot. the first 2 hold a bunch of nostalgia for me because i was A Baby when 2 came out and when i was also A Baby i would just watch our VHS copy of toy story 1 over and over again. this also makes me the exact age group to be emotionally destroyed by toy story 3, which came out just as i was entering high school and hit really close to home

individual thoughts:

toy story: the first thing i noticed was it still looks really nice even watching in 2019!! which i think is kind of spectacular for the first feature-length computer-animated film. it no doubt helps that the plot is mostly focused on little plastic dolls without realistic hair or clothing to animate but the semi-”cartoon” art direction means the human characters also look pretty nice without going too far into the uncanny valley.

also, the plot is WAY darker than i remember?? not because of sid and all the body horror toys, but because for like half of the movie woodys friends think hes an actual (toy) murderer carrying around the severed arm of his victim (!!) like, its hilarious, but also wow theres a LONG way to go between there and the climax of toy story 3.

the soundtrack is probably my favorite of the bunch. part of that is probably nostalgia but i just really like the consistency of having randy newman singing every song. it sort of elevates him to part of the story, like an omniscient narrator singing woodys (and later buzzs) inner monologue. 2 (and especially 3) didnt have as many musical numbers, which i can understand with a shift to a larger-scale approach to storytelling, but i really like the feeling it gives number 1. “you got a friend in me” is an obvious classic thats been remixed and brought back in just about every piece of toy story media im aware of, but “strange things” and “i will go sailing no more” deserve just as much recognition and praise. there just isnt a weak number among them

toy story 2: heres where the story started getting bigger and more existential, which basically becomes the new direction of the series. which makes sense! this one released 4 years after the first, and while theres no real timeskip in the story (maybe 6 months?) it had been a little while since we last saw woody and the gang. everybody in the real world had gotten older, and with the turn of the millennium approaching, the theme of impermanence loomed large in the collective unconscious. well, maybe not in my unconscious, because i was 2. but its really interesting as kind of a “time capsule” to what people were thinking about as the 90s came to a close.

so toy story 2 was a little more grounded, a little more focus on the human world, but it was also more fantastical in its presentation. the opening “video game” sequence (which still looks amazing!!) and woodys nightmare (”i dont wanna play with you anymore...”) show the animators at pixar really found their groove and started getting experimental. and to great result!! the fantasy sequences are a lot of fun and help 2 really stand out.

i would be remiss not to mention jessies flashback song here. its something else they hadnt really done in the first film and i think it really works. jessie in this film unfortunately doesnt get to do much other than fight with woody about whether he should stay or go (except for when she saves him in the end) but this song makes her character work. it also helps that it destroys me every time

also i think this is the movie that gave me an appreciation for the acting of kelsey grammer. i dont really agree with his politics (i also dont know specifically what they are) but he is a damn fine actor and gives the prospector a very genuinely intimidating edge after his heel turn. the casting really makes the character here, but thats nothing new for toy story-- every voice works. if i were the casting director, i probably wouldnt have pulled erudite kelsey grammer for a character named “stinky pete,” but as it is now i couldnt imagine him voiced by anyone else.

the last thing about toy story 2 is it feels like there were a lot more pop culture references? at least as far as i noticed. there are apparently even more than i noticed but i caught on to the “also sprach zarathustra” riff in the opening, and the jurassic park rearview mirror gag. and of course the extended star wars reference with zurg vs. utility belt buzz (and i guess zurg in general.) the references are cute and mostly unobtrusive but really i could take or leave them.

oh yeah also al is hilarious. just this rude, neurotic businessman whos incredibly self-important for the owner of a minor(?) toy store chain. hes such a puffed-up jerk, every time hes on-screen is a delight

toy story 3: this one kills me to death. i always get misty-eyed during “when somebody loved me” but the ending of 3 where andy introduces his toys to bonnie and plays with them one last time made me sob the first time i watched it. and it still does! thats the long game right there, thats the payoff of over 10 years loving these characters. its an emotional ketchup bomb, everything gets all messy and soggy and sweet. hopefully 4 can follow up, but im not really worried about that-- ive heard some good things. damn, its been 9 years since this movie came out, though! it really doesnt feel all that long, but i guess i havent been doing all that much

i actually dont know if i have much else to say about 3. the opening with the re-imagining of the previous films openings (woody versus one-eyed bart, buzz and woody vs. the evil dr. porkchop) is a highlight, although theres a conspicuous lack of bo peep. ive heard she has a big part in 4, but it was kind of weird to see a lot of toys missing and their absence (mostly) glossed over after the first few minutes. i miss r.c. and lenny, but i get they wanted to narrow down the cast so all of them could get in on the plot.

speaking of which, the escape scene is great too. its kind of a crystallizing moment of how close these characters are, and how well they work together. it reminds me a lot of the escape from sids house in the first movie, but there woody was working with sids body-horror toys and seemed to strike up a rapport with them bizarrely quickly. (speaking of which, i miss those toys! their designs were super cool, but i cant imagine they got much merchandise, especially babyface with the sharp, metal spider legs.) here, though, woody and the gang cooperate the best they ever have, and it really paints a picture of how close theyve become over the years, and justifies the emotional climax in the landfill. this is what i was talking about when i said i was surprised how dark toy story 1 got! these toys all hated woodys guts back then for what they thought he did to buzz. they kicked him out of a moving truck! its just weird to think about that conflict between them when you know how long they end up sticking together. but thats, like, neat, so its ok. it feels earned, its just kind of crazy in hindsight.

toy story 3 was also obviously made long after the first two-- by comparison, the lighting is way more sophisticated, the humans are a lot more detailed. theres just a lot more detail In General. the main cast is, like, super dirty for the middle 90% of the film, and it feels like, yeah, We Have This Technology Now. we can render so many individual glitter sprinkles suck to hamms ass and they will be in every single scene. the “fur tech” on lotso and buster is also an obvious clue, especially in the flashback to lotso trudging through the rain back to his owners house. its like “look! we can make this teddy bear SO wet!” and wow! yeah! you did! so wet!

lotso himself is also an interesting villain in terms of sheer bastardness. he is just a huge jerk. he could have hit that button so easily! and he was so mean to the baby! but at the same time hes a great character in how he slowly “changes” throughout the movie. he is kind of an obvious “pixar ‘twist’ villain” but again, the amazing performance by ned beatty really saves him. also he does get a nice comeuppance at the end, which was necessary because hes really the biggest villain in the series so far. hes knowingly malicious and doesnt have any greater motive, hes just an embittered megalomaniac who (apparently) has sent other toys to be broken, thrown away, and incinerated at the landfill. he honestly deserves worse than being strapped to the front of a truck but it works for a family movie.

i have a couple more thoughts on 3 (i guess i did have a fair amount of stuff to say about it) but im getting tired of writing. the music is good as usual, but the vocal stuff being entirely back-loaded (in the credits) is a bit disappointing since ive always been a fan of the songs, but i get that they were going for something different. the jokes about ken being, uh, ‘flamboyant’ felt out of place, mostly the one at the end (”uh, buzz? barbie didnt write this”) because it comes from one of the gang and not unnamed lotso goon #3, but i guess its pretty tame in the scheme of things.

overall im really looking forward to seeing what 4 does with the series. whew!

#hopefully ill see 4 this weekend #personal essay #got pretty honkin long. click at your own risk

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chimcharstar · 4 years ago

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ANSWER 1 THROUGH 65 HO

65 Questions You Aren't Used To

WPOOOOO LETS GO

Y E E T

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

nnnnooooooo. its called holding onto my last marble.

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

1. sometimes i can freak myself out going to the bathroom at night but bro. i take walks at like 11pm or whenever the hell i please. and i LIKE IT.

3. The person you would never want to meet?

i would not care to meet dick face

4. What is your favorite word?

worm

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

well darn i dont really knowwww!!!!!!! the big jungle one from minecraft. but i love weeping willows of course.

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

i didnt think

7. What shirt are you wearing?

my pyjama shirt from new vegas. las vegas. oh my god. not that i went there. my friend did. ive been wearing it for 3 days now. because its fine.

8. What do you label yourself as?

androgynouOOUUSSSSSSS i heard it described the most accurately for me as “in between blue and pink, purple is a blend while not being either of them.” yes this SPECIFICALLY. i could never be feminine while female presenting, but now that im usually read as masculine i go around seeming gay as fuck. and even though this sounds like heresy considering how i instinctively want to throat punch people who feminize me, i have comfortably considered myself a woman lately ONLYYYYYYYY BY being as butch as a butch can possibly butch. maybe without the cars. i would NEVER go by she/her NEVER NEVER NEVER. like there literally are butch women who go on T and use he/him pronouns. that brings me euphoria too and i find people reallllyyyyyy get mind-bent at this point. i really also get irritated at the idea that identifying with both lessens one or the other... thats why i like the purple thing so much. like im 100% of the thing. i was watching on queer eye, once, there was this part where all these women met up and one of them who was really masculine was saying how “a woman can look like this too” and i was like “i am probably crying for an important reason right now” and sometimes i feel attraction to women that is nOT of the ManTM just... i can do what i want.

but my point is it’s like im only happy if i have a blend. theres even a particular quality of it i can put my finger on, like a rugged, handsome feel... and then a flamboyant, passionate feel... mix em all up...

9. Bright room or dark room?

BRIGHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

GUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

transition juice, or fucking around with cs paint with some gentle existential dread

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

this one, because my life is not hell, and i know a few basics about adulting now

12. Who told you they loved you last?

the sister. i said it for damage control because she had blown a fuse the other day. i was being very fake on purpose because i’m not being vulnerable with someone who will blow up. when she says it all i feel is pain. like cold paralyzing needles in my soul. i cant say i love you to her and mean it, even if i want to. honestly i wish people would say this to me. the most i love yous i remember are from family members putting band aids on the wreckage of our relationships, so i can feel a little twang of guilt and longing for what could have been and should have been. and feel like i should be doing something more. and feeling awkward because you both know they fucked up and it’s the elephant in the room. and i can feel their confusion and sickness causing them pain, feeling that pain for them.

13. Your worst enemy?

hmmm. anyone who made me feel like less than i am. anyone

14. What is your current desktop picture?

cherry blossoms and a city at night that i stole off the internet

15. Do you like someone?

like like crushes right? i fucking wish. i am so god damn sick of myself. i dont feel fuck or shit for anyone. its a fucking wasteland. yes im on T so i want to fuck anything that moves. and yet? can i please have some feelings? please may i have some feelings? not aesthetic appreciation. not moral, personality appreciation. or even just a deep respect and compassion. these are all fine things of course. but cant someone just drive me crazy? cant i have that extra spice of life? cant i just have a little bit of happy crazy? i will know a perfectly lovely person and ill WANT to have feelings for them. but i FUCKEN DONT. I DONT!!!! SHIT!!!!! WHAT IS THE MEANIGN?!?!??!??!?!1 i have fucking YET to meet anyone im more obsessed with than some really gay ocs. come on universe!!!! bring it!!! poor oscar. poor fucking oscar. whatever wavelength im vibing on man you are not on it. i wish you were on it. i wish you were on it oscar. you are hot you are hot with your bike oscar. and the rose quartz i gave you. the rose quartz you wanted. but i feel no authentic electric connection to you. i feel like all i just see is how your brain works with a coolheaded certainty. all i do is analyze what you are wearing so i can be as hot as you. maybe id like to draw you. and girls from work. you are so beautiful and amazing. i see you in bikinis on instagram. and im like oh beauty standards. look at you go, adhering to them. my heart rate goes right along at the same old pace. dont tell me this is principles. does someone have to smell bad? like edward cullen?? CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE JUST SEDUCE ME?!!!?? ID LOVE SOME EXTRA WILL TO LIVE! THEN MY STORIES WILL BE BETTER!!!! see this is the whole problem

16. The last song you listened to?

what am i to you by finn the human or actually that asgore fight song that i do not know the context of and dont want to until i play the game for myself

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

i would save this button for a karen.

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

jk rowling. every time i see her face in a news article about why her bland new transphobia anvil book is pretty bland without addressing the raging transphobia in it and around it, i take a minute and contemplate shoving a pie in her face, and agonizing that i cannot do it from this distance.

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

a... slave? is this a kink thing? im fucking laughing this is going to be so honest. probably a toxic person from my past i have unresolved sexual tension with, especially since i was in my abused kid shell and was a huge doormat so now im all vengeful with issues. since this is totally something i am open to considering right now i would like to browse this concept’s menu

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

yknow what? yknow what? i am just going to say all of me. i am feeling very body positive right now. i often feel isolated as fuck because of trans stuff and male body standards, but thats Also What Makes Me Special :) i like me, i like my face, i think i am very cool and unique, and i can walk fast.

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

GOD DAMN IT THIS FUCKING QUESTION AGAIN

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

yes. but it’s a secret.

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

deep sea creatures. idk. even if its small and not even ugly. i just lose my fucking mind. i jump out of my chair. i get the heebies and the jeebies.

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

okay. chicken. cheese. something spicy so it wont be boring. a fuck ton of veggies so i can be healthy. and some olives, fuck olive haters.

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

IM GOING TO GIVE IT TO MY LANDLORD <3

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

mexico city to see what all my friends are talking about.

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

............................................................................

w h y

okay. i would go around tasting a bunch of fucking. really fancy old wines. listen i dont really drink okay. but with a very fancy old wine i can go around with a like, glass and look really sophisticated and tell gay things to gay people. hello boys. so id find one that strategically i would like the most for the rest of my life and choose it. and if its expensive i can sell it.

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

i would stick a bell in the middle of it and all of us have to go there at six o’clock and throw bread at each other and fuck.

29. What is your favorite expletive?

cunt. i dont really use it ever, but boy it can pack a punch!

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

that means my trees because theyre living things? good. my phone. i need it to function. everything else i have on the clouds and i can just write on a napkin if i really need.

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

i wanna say nothing because the good and the bad made me who i am and all that. and they’re learning experiences and healthy stuff. but some of my sisters abuse that has destroyed my psyche, literally just ruined my life, it would make things easier if that hadnt happened.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

WHAT I WANNA KNOW MORE ABOUT THIS LIFE STOP TELL ME HOW I GET THERE

Okay i’m moving to... greece and i’m going to study ancient greek everything and live right on the edge of the sea where the water’s lapping the doorsteps. and im gonna learn greek by immersion

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

i am not surprised whatsoever death is a cool entity.

probably someone who died really sadly and too soon in my life (no one close to me thank god) but just as a service to society

34. What was your last dream about?

wolves with bombs were chasing me around a giant university. it was all part of the game. i was trying to protect some people... soldiers were chasing me... i was hiding under the floor... hiding from authorities and war are VERY common dreams for me

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?

Writer? Yes. am i saying that to sound full of myself? no. i am fighting very hard to maintain some self-confidence. i have done some writing recently and i am proud as fuck of myself. i caught myself thinking, “now that was banging, i know that was banging.” and so i just admitted it to myself.

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

nooooot reeeaaaalllyyyyyy. i went in an ambulance for my face swelling up! still dont know if i needed to. still think i was allergic to the person i was talking to at the time. seriously when i stopped talking to them the hives went away. they literally gave me hives sdjfnskjndsjknfkjsfnjskdnfdsjknfjknf

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

yes

38. What is the color of your socks?

they have inuyashas on them

39. What type of music do you like?

dark, longing, aching, angry, raw, disappointed, serious, low songs that get intense as fuck.

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

sunrises for the concept, sunsets for the looks

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

you know what? i dont really like milkshakes. they dont feel good in my tummy even if it’s not my stomach having a fucking meltdown.

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

the fuck is football

43. Do you have any scars?

yes, most of them are from dermatillomania, two big cool-looking ones on my hands from touching a cookie sheet without an oven mitt and pouring microwaved coffee all over my thumb because literally every inch of the counter had a foot of dishes on it and i didn’t simply heat up the water normally because everything was dirty

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

i want to be a psychologist and an author

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

id like a dong please

46. Are you reliable?

yeeeeeesssssss...... but the adhd wins sometimes

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

future self: even if you’re in a worse off place than where i am right now, don’t regret anything, don’t beat yourself up. sometimes it’s realistic to have hope. you don’t have to be hard on yourself all the time just because it’s familiar and natural to you. so stop thinking “if i see a note from my past self ill be filled with rueful self awareness”

48. Do you hold grudges?

yes. i feel like im saving my soul a little and taking some power back when i am able to say “that hurt, that was wrong, and you don’t get access to me anymore, i don’t have to forgive you” it’s admitting that my own pain is real so i can listen to and protect myself. i wish i was more of a forgiving person but i spent too much time trying to forgive unorganically for the sake of being moral that i just can’t, can’t can’t now. it hurts so existentially and i deserve better. time for me to be mean and hold grudges. a little mean is okay.

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

a DOG CAT????????

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

“doesn’t having a human-shaped robot with smoke coming out of it in the corner of your shop scare you late at night?”

“yes, sometimes i see it and jump a little”

51. Are you a good liar?

yes, when i’m dedicated. getting my birth certificate back? oscar worthy

52. How long could you go without talking?

i live like this lmao

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

once upon a time i had bangs. and a bob cut

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

yes bitch

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

yes bitch i can do a convincing british accent but i don’t want to broadcast that fact because being british is cringe and plus my name is gordon and im already trans and interested in cooking and my greatest fear is that people think i am trying to become him when i am deeply offended when people assume i make personal decisions for anyone other than myself. no one has ever actually voiced this theory to me but it haunts me late at night. i can honestly probably do any accent if i listen to it for a little bit. i find it very easy to imitate sounds and like individual speaking styles to the point of stealing them even when i dont want to. like actually this is something that just comes to me easily i think.

56. What do you like on your toast?

fuck toast. i make a grill cheese. cheese and garlic.

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

i tried digitally painting a generic girl who ended up looking really simliar to someone i went to school with only i made the eyes way too small and i would show you except it’s too much work

58. What would be you dream car?

vw bug with giant monster wheels, black with flames, big booming stereo. eyelashes in a drag way. ill run pickup trucks off the road

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

i sang in the shower back when i felt free to annoy everyone in the house. oH WAIT IT DOESNT ANNOY PEOPLE WHO ARE KIND TO ME

...........

they taught me i was annoying. ANYWAY. i am too shy to sing in the shower but id love to. i dont really do anything unusual except that i take really long in there but yknow im not actually doing what people think im doing when i take long. im literally just sitting there decomposing, head empty.

60. Do you believe in aliens?

yes, of course, i have been telling everyone theres water under mars since day one and now look. now look

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

yes. im a sagittarius and clearly it is needed because CLEARLY theres no other fucking sagittariuses

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

G, because my name starts with that and i’m just great. really, i like... it has a chonk to it. like a reliable chonk to it

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

YKNOW WHAT? im going with dragons because of the fantasy, fire breathing and so on but yknow for my wip i was going to have both dragons and dinosaurs at a reptile like shelter

64. What do you think about babies?

i think they should be loved and nurtured, but they are too much work for me to want for myself at this point of life, and you should definitely read some manuals before having one if you can because people can and do mess this the fuck up

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.

you didn’t ask anything here so im just going to tell you something. i am going to tell you that i have always been so hell bent on writing even when i hate it because sometimes when things are going well i feel like i am just so in another world and i feel like im doing something im really really supposed to do. it is such a euphoria and it has an effect on my whole aura. i really wish i had never made myself stop but we can’t change the past so i shall just have to never stop again.

THANKS HOOOOO

#chatty #notthecanadianaverage #bug

0 notes

mayardsale · 6 years ago

Text

The clouds were suspended over the church as we found our car in the light spring rain. The cooler temperature matched Tara’s mood. Her exit from the parking lot matched her anger. “Please slow down,” I calmly begged, knowing full well that Tara wouldn’t. I’d given up hope after she ran the second red light in as many intersections. “Killing us both won’t bring her back,” I said as I watched her tighten her grip on the black leather steering wheel. Tara and Stephanie had been best friends since college. Last week’s bicycle accident was as unexpected a tragedy as any of us could have imagined. They’d ridden through those woods for 15 years with the occasional bumps and bruises, but the fall that took Stephanie’s life was a shock to Tara’s core. As Tara pulled over to the side of the winding highway, I unbuckled my seat built. She was in no condition to drive after the funeral. For a week she was a rock for everyone because she was the closest person to Stephanie in the world. She executed everything from funeral arrangements to financial specifics. Tara was everybody’s rock, but I wasn’t sure if she had sustained her own head trauma during her wipeout. “Can you pull over more?” I asked as I looked over the back window at the traffic hurdling through the mist. “Why the fuck didn’t she listen?” Tara whispered, hands still fixed to the wheel. “She could have stopped. Why didn’t she fucking stop?” She gripped the steering with all her might. I just closed my eyes. Tara’s pain was exploding while my guilt was eating away at me. Stephanie may have been Tara’s college roommate and best friend, but three years ago Stephanie and I developed a closer relationship. *********** Tara was in Montreal for a conference when Stephanie built up enough courage to make her move. For years it was obvious that Stephanie had a crush on me. She’d always deny it, but Tara and I knew that she was infatuated with me. It was a joke for five years. And then it wasn’t a joke. From practically the beginning of our relationship Tara and I weren’t on the same page sexually. We were more than in love, but Tara grew less and less interested in sex as her career took off. My dick was a minor distraction in her world and she had no trouble telling me. “Please take care of that elsewhere,” she’d tell me, but I didn’t think that was what she really wanted. Every other week or month she’d apologize and we’d fumble through an intimate act that only frustrated both of us. We were making it work, somehow. The rest of our relationship was actually amazing, but the tension around our sex life made for some terrible fights. Truth be told, I found her career and personality both too intimidating and important to bother with my petty needs. One particular week she practically laughed at my needs. “If your dick was in that much need,” she sneered, “you’d have bent me over and simply fucked me.” That was her special kiss goodbye as she got into the limousine on her way to yet another speaking engagement in Paris. Humiliated and emasculated, I spent the better part of the week buried in work. I hit the gym at 6AM, at the office by 8AM and didn’t get home until 10PM. Tara’s apology texts went unanswered as I feared her return Saturday morning. When I pulled into the garage Friday evening, I found Stephanie’s car in the third section of the three car garage. I could hear the vacuum cleaner in the family room, but I chose to keep to the kitchen. As I made myself a sandwich I heard the vacuum turn off and the worst version of Sade’s ‘Smooth Operator’ take it’s place. Stephanie obviously had her headphones on and hadn’t realized anyone else was in the house. As she danced into the family room, I was greeted by a Raiders t-shirt and an orange thong that was not quite the typical maid’s uniform. Tara and Stephanie were best friends in the same way that Tara and I were married. Tara made the rules and Stephanie willingly followed. From job choices to boyfriend breakups, Stephanie was dependent on Tara’s advice. Their relationship was so close that I wondered if Tara’s lack of sexual interest in me was related to her connection with Stephanie. Of course I didn’t have the courage to ask Tara so I brought it up to Stephanie. “Not our thing,” Stephanie simply denied. I was kind of hoping it was, but that was the last of that conversation. “Oh, Jesus!” Stephanie screamed as she finally realized I was behind the island watching her one woman show. “Why didn’t you tell me that you were home, asshole?” she shouted as she caught her breath and fell to the couch. “Didn’t think I had to announce myself in my own house,” I replied. I tried to focus on my turkey on whole wheat, but my dick was captivated by what that orange thong was trying unsuccessfully to contain. “Tara asked me to straighten up the house before you she got home because she said you were MIA,” Stephanie explained as she tried to wiggle her thighs into her t-shirt. “Where have you been?” she questioned accusingly. “Working,” I answered flatly. “Working so hard you can’t text your wife?” Stephanie barked back. “At least I can wear pants,” I snickered in return. “Shut up!” Stephanie laughed. “They’re in your wash,” she said as she bounced up from the couch and scuttled up to the island so I couldn’t see below her waist. “Barbecue stain,” she sighed. “I bet,” I continued to snicker. Stephanie was an amazingly beautiful woman, but she never felt comfortable about her shapely curves. She hit the gym constantly to keep fit but no amount CrossFit could contain what God bestowed upon her. In contrast, Tara could eat anything and stay supermodel thin. “Fuck you,” Stephanie laughed. My not-so-subtle jab at her weight was clearly a reminder of what Tara had been punching since they were freshmen in college. “At least you’ll have something new to think about when you’re jacking off tomorrow night!” “Why don’t you give me a little show to remember?” I pushed back. “I don’t get that much eye candy around here.” Stephanie stepped back from the granite island with a stubborn defiance. Her muscular frame held up her round dimensions and my eyes recorded every inch. “Is this what you’d like to see?” Stephanie softly spoke, her typically high pitched voice turning sultry. In that moment the joke was over. We were no longer mimicking Tara’s cruel treatment of our faults. We were two adults alone with a clear need for a connection. A connection that involved positive vibes. “You know that your body is what Tara wishes she had,” I said I stared with an appreciation and sincerity typically reserved for exquisite works of beautiful art. “I don’t think I care what Tara wants right now,” Stephanie responded as she shyly pulled her black & silver t-shirt over her head. Her near naked body was something I’d imagined for years as a simple curiosity. As she walked toward the kitchen I forgot about all of the mean jokes we’d told each other over the years. Those jokes that amplified Tara’s dominance of us were what kept us from noticing each other. Those jokes kept my dick from throbbing in Stephanie’s majestic presence. But Stephanie traded those shallow swipes at my dignity for a validation of her womanly beauty. There were no more mean words in Stephanie’s mouth that evening. Just my dick. ********* “You’re driving isn’t that much better,” Tara sneered as I turned our SUV into our serene neighborhood. I slowed the truck as I navigated the puddles before turning into our driveway. While I waited for the garage door to open, Tara unbuckled her seat belt and got out of the truck in the pouring rain. She couldn’t spend another second in my presence and she needed to cool off. A week ago she watched her best friend fall 1000 feet and she hadn’t said a word about it. I didn’t know what to do. So I sat in the truck. In the rain. In the driveway. With the garage door up. ********* For two years Stephanie and I took quiet advantage of Tara’s frequent business trips. Our foreplay consisted of mean-spirited daggers at our personal insecurities in Tara’s presence and then radio silence until the last day of Tara’s trip. The tension of openly sparring in front of Tara and potentially getting busted made for an amazing two years of happiness. Even Tara seemed content knowing her two closest people were twistedly enjoying each other’s company and I was a lot less horny when she got home. Of course I faked it a little, but I was less cranky when her answer to my requests was 'handle it yourself, pervert’. Then, as expected, everything changed. For two years Stephanie and I had kept our encounters playful. Oral and handjob were the menu’s only choices. We were naughty but the thrill was easy and freeing. My face between her thighs or her hands in my boxers were therapeutic releases. No condoms or lube or preparation. What was clearly planned had the feeling of spontaneity. We had a secret instead of an affair. We were like teenagers full of nervous energy and bound hormones. Unfortunately that playfulness ended when Stephanie showed up at our house one day into Tara’s weeklong trip to Sydney. I was working on my laptop on the back porch when I heard the garage door open. I was in my boxers because it was a warm evening and our backyard faced the dense woods. As I kept working an hour passed and I assumed that Stephanie was just in the neighborhood and needed a place to crash. She was the only other person with a key to our house. Maybe she was watching TV and enjoying a free meal. As the sun dropped into the crowd of trees behind our house, I heard the patio door slide open. Before I saw Stephanie’s naked body I smelled the wine. I was thoroughly confused. Without a word or eye contact she took me by the hand and led me to the couch placed in the middle of the deck. There was no witty banter or laughter on her lips - just a tinge of red wine. This was heavy because I realized my face had never been this close to hers. While her hands were clearly wrapped around my growing dick, her mouth was someplace new - my neck. Soft kisses were piling onto my clavicle as I questioned where to put my hands. They’d only ever been in her afro, in her pussy or on her breasts. But they remained to my side because the only obvious choice was wrapped around her waist as she began to straddle me. This was no longer playful. This was intimacy. She never kissed my lips but I knew what was next. The taste of the red wine couldn’t mask the sense of passion that accompanied her wet kiss. I could feel her easing my growing dick into her warm pussy, but I was too engulfed in her quiet kiss to really notice. I sat like a statue trying not to place my hands on her waist as her teeth gently bit my upper lip. As Stephanie rested her hands on my shoulders I realized that she no longer saw me as a fun release but rather a partner in joy. Her hips barely moved but I could feel her pussy squeezing my dick with gentle hugs. And with each passing minute, the hugs got tighter and the pressure of her biting intensified. For two years we laughed at the guttural moans we shared under each other’s stimulation, but this was thunderously silent. As her thighs tightened around my waist I fought the urge to wrap my hands around her waist the way the dark sky clinched our scene. A slow tremble melted over my nervous dick as her legs shivered and her nipples pierced my chest. The exaggerated writhing of her hips and boisterous swearing of her mouth that accompanied my tongue between her legs had been replaced by a blissful silence that brought focus to the rhythmic contraction of her pussy that slowly drew the life out of me. And lastly I could feel her nails gracefully trace into my back shoulders with the precision of a caligrapher’s pen. The sting I felt from those intense scratches as the humid air rested within the shallow wound woke me from my trance. We had shared more than 100 moments of cum soaked laughter over the previous 700 days, but our math was inverted that warm evening. And before I could make rhyme or reason of our situation, she had exited as quietly as she entered. I could have held her there to stay. But in truth I never held her. ************ I finally entered our house with the sole intent of taking care of my wife in her time of need. My steps were calculated and my breath was deliberate. I knew she was cold and wet in the living room, but I stopped in the kitchen to make her favorite tea. The house could feel the unbalance as Tara was losing control and I was looking to steady the ship. “She wasn’t supposed to…” Tara tearfully started as I placed her Brazilian tea on the table in front of her crossed legs. I patiently waited for her to finish her thought because in the last week she only spoke in cold facts about how she’d lost her best friend. She was being her usual strong and controlling self around friends and family, but from the time we left the cemetery I could feel her beginning to unravel. Then Tara broke down in sobbing tears. I was as frozen as I was when Stephanie decided to join me on the back patio a year prior. I clearly sucked at these situations, but I had to be better this go round. After that evening on the back patio, Stephanie and I never connected again. We only saw each other in the presence of Tara. Our time alone during Tara’s trips were never discussed. Even our ongoing jabs that acted as foreplay in front Tara ceased. We had nothing. “She couldn’t stay on the fucking path!” Tara grunted as she reached for her tea. “I told her ass to stay focused, but she didn’t listen. Stupid girl!” I’d heard her explain the accident 20 times over that last week. To the police. To Stephanie’s parents. To everyone. I could retell every moment as if I’d been there. In vivid detail I could describe beautiful morning air that sung with spring lyrics. I knew the dewy green grass that lined the path below the three evergreen trees. I could see the spokes cave as Stephanie’s tire hit a patch of rocks scattered on the right edge of the path. I could hear Stephanie’s nervous laughter shift to frightened swearing as she lost control of her front wheel near the sharp turn at the bottom of the path along the hill. I felt the momentum that carried Stephanie over the edge of the rocky terrain. I could identify every thorny shrub that scarred Tara’s legs as she climbed down the hill to find the remains of her closest friend. I could hear Tara dialing 911 while she held Stephanie in her arms as the sun glowed bright. Tara needed a 911 call now. For herself. I could see the hurt in her eyes, so I kissed her on her forehead and ran upstairs to run her a warm bath. Warm tea and warm bath were the best answers I could think of to drown her tears. As I ran the water and took off my tie I could feel her presence enter our bathroom. She’d heard the water and disrobed. Inside I might have been confused as to what to do, but on the outside I was becoming her rock. “I don’t deserve you,” Tara spoke softly as she walked up to me. I gently placed my hands upon her waists. With a slow focus she helped me removed my clothes until we both stood naked under the sunlight that began to break through the clouds outside of our window. Her thin brown frame then began to lean into my chest as she steadied herself with my arms. Only one part of my body was prepared for her eventual position as my eyes fixated on her ass moving further from me as her mouth wrapped itself onto my dick. She sucked me with an intensity that was as pointed as her neglect had been awash in our marriage. I found myself frozen again, but this time I held on to my instigator with a love that felt rewarded for enduring the unrequited passion that coated my every inch. And in an instant I released every ounce of love that I had on reserve into Tara’s welcoming mouth. As I slowly regained my composure, she led me to the tub. We carefully climbed in and I sat behind her while she sank into my chest. The hot water cooled to the perfect temperature. For ten minutes we sat in silence until I asked if she was “going to be okay?” Tara arched her head backward toward me and grabbed my hand, gently resting my palm against her neck. I could still feel the tears falling onto my wrists when I felt her tense up. Then with a subtle nod I could feel her swallow. Swallow me. As my brain processed her actions I couldn’t control my smile. And I could feel her smile as well. Relaxed. Then with a ballerina’s deft Tara stood up and turned toward me. The warm water trickled down from her hardened nipples onto my bald head. She then threw her legs over my shoulders and leaned back. Her hands gripped the sides of the tub while her pussy began to grind the smile off of my face. With my tongue I wrote 'I love you’ over and over. Her hips thrashed as her ass splashed heaps of water onto our bathroom floor. I gripped Tara’s waists like I planned to hold her there until the end of time. I wasn’t going to ever let go. Her wet pussy was engorged and she began to convulse as though she was about to cum. Tara released her death grip from the tub and leaned on my knees while her pelvis worked her pussy onto my face. Worried that she might fall I reached behind me and gripped her ankles to anchor the intense whipping her pussy was dishing out. “Oh fuck!” Tara shouted as I tightened my grip on her ankles. I could feel the scars from the shrubs. Most of the scabs had fallen away, but I could feel the patterns. “Fuck!!” Tara shouted as her thighs nearly squeezed the life out of me. She was fucking my face with too much enthusiasm to realize my mind was now focused on the scratches on her legs. The deep scratches on her legs that felt as though they were written by a skilled caligrapher. As though the signature included the pain of an unrequited love. “Fuck!!” Tara gasped as she held one last squeeze against my face. As her ass sank into the water and she collapsed onto my legs, she saw the look of understanding in my eyes. “Stupid girl,” Tara snarled at me as she closed her eyes to hold back the tears or to enjoy the afterglow. “I told her to stay on the path.”

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kyanmaaaa · 6 years ago

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really really really really really bad dream last night

future me dont read this

it started like some kinda nickoledean spin off movie of some show where its like, i felt like i should recognize the characters but i didnt, dude was exploring town after dark when he should be in bed, was thinking abt life and all that stuff pretty serious things honestly, and he sees a blue glue on top of a building

thats when hells starts

i think the blue glue started it but theres a time skip to the same dude living in that town and its empty now, buildings are destroyed and boarded up and i see like a, memory flash with blue and purple pastel zombies but apparently in this area they’ve all rotted away and died by now so hes just moving from rooftop to rooftop of building and climbing down into windows looking to see if theres any places with food left, its been about a year

nice shiny car rolls in and its some other survivors, a woman asks if he wants to join them and hes kinda accepted how things are wonders what his family would think of him now but, he knows things are at their end here and its nice to be around people

so, he does

since his place was the epicenter or, ill get into it later but maybe not, other places they travel still have the dead they need to worry about

move to me, i live in a house on the sea and im having an issue with spiders, can handle it for the most part but uh, its starting to get a little rediculous so i move somewhere else

i know that sounds weird but like, something wasnt right about this, the spiders tactics would change to counter mine and i heard things sometimes

move back to a group of survivors, theyre trying to do a mission somewhere? the kid isnt here so either he died, split off, or this is a different group

theyre doing a break in to try and hunt someone down cause they figured out (and i hadnt yet) that this is something intelligently done by some aliens (the spiders) and theyre tryna break in and get rid of a traitor human or something? fall for a trap and i watch them all die as the group splits off despite the pleas of the leader

move back to me, i figured out somethings wrong and i know the spiders are sentient now, survivors sometimes come to my house and speak to the spiders, theyre working for them and i dunno if they think they’ll get to live after this but, i dont know

some are sent after survivors

animals can be infected too or, maybe its more controlled, no regards for any lifes health or safety or quality of life, i saw some really really really messed up shit with cats and honestly im crying remembering it (they were hungry and got food i guess but i saw one with its paw stuck to a wall and when i tried to help the whole paw came off, (after waking up that cat really reminded me of my kitty Ranger), had to run when another cat that was more infected found me. really wanted to help more.

went back to my house since this is apparently the spiders main base now and ive talked to other survivors and im the only one who can get in for some reason

hurts to see how they’ve trashed my home and now a family is living there, theyre scared but working with the spiders in hopes of keeping everyone thats left together

move to another group of survivors making plans, this ones more organised, know of people in other cities and keep contact and help each other out, man laughs when he finds out someone called for assistance cause their router is broken

theyre going to explore another area but its high risk cause of the amount of infected. find a large group of survivors largest ive seen and an old man turns the second they enter the room, one person in that group feeds him and he turns back to normal but the group of survivors has seen enough and tries to kill him before he can infect more, get some cult like vibes as hes fairly worshiped honestly (i dont know if i saw another man in the room at all), cult member catches him before he hits the ground despite the risk of infected but comes back upstairs safe (specifically they caught his fall by dragging over a gigantic teddy bear)

group is religious and peaceful but wont move any further and doesnt have an interest in joining the group, old man may have kept control over himself by sheer force of will? was a peaceful man but didnt speak much

back to me, im at my home again trying to convince the family to leave but i have to go as an infected is sent after me, i watch my father die. dont know if the infected got him or he drowned

its the youngest member’s, of the family in what used to be my lakehouse, birthday today. his older sis made a cake to cheer things up. room is grim but the kid is cheered up at the prospect. rest of the family is... theres a mood in the room

someone tells the kid before they eat the cake, i dont think they were suppossed to

the spiders dont have a use for their family any more and are going to infect them but gave them the choice of doing it willingly or they would do it by force. the cake is tampered with and will turn them all after its eaten. sis wanted the best for them all wanted it to be peaceful

i dont know what happened after that i dont know if they turned or tried to escape but honestly i think either way they all died

#dream journal #this is why u get up when u wake up cause if u fall back asleep ur dreams SUCK

0 notes

isaacathom · 7 years ago

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ok heres my eurovision liveblog thoughts i guess

i love slovenias look but im not a.... trap fan?? is that the genre? not a fan of that. also not a flashing light thank, thank you.

‘the need for everyone to fall in love’ the need??????? sfuck off

uhhhhhh...... oh thats cute. oh those lil videos are cute. and i appreciate them. i wish she’d say the /O/ in old because she clearly can but it just sounds like ‘ahld’ or smth.

what wa the point of the australian presenter to spoil the fact her husband showed up on stage like that wouldve been sweet if i hadnt KNOWN it.

‘electronic groups’ oh god AGAIN? oh thank god. oh this is nice.

‘really gets under your skin’ wow these presenters suck. thats very much the wrong metaphor. like that literally means the opposite of what you WANTED it to mean. shit. fuck.

these presenters honestly are just kinda ass. also ‘songwriters are saying it doesnt make sense’ ??? are they stupid. its. its not exactly abstract expressionism?????? what the fuck are they talking about. also what was hthat camera cut with a bald man just side eyed the camera like hes ready to kill. my god. what a legend. but was thatcomment.a joke? wild. oh it was a joke. ok. yea no im not feeling their humour. also why do they keep cutting out.

oh im really liking portugals. like it just feels nice. its sorta cozy.

‘thats one way to put it’??????? was that a gay joke?????? what the fuck was that. what was that?????? like, she said ‘listening to music for 73 hours straight’ and she went ‘straight? thats one way to put it’ IS IT A GAY JOKE???? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN. im so confused. i dont understand. pls. why.

ooh its time for the invader, im Ready???? i think im ready. im sorta not but i sorta am. no choice, i cant pause. im liking this song though. ok cool im getting second hand anxiety about knowing an invader is coming. im not ready. i have no choice but OH BOY!!!! oh boy!!....... ok she handled that fairly well, but the fact her vocals kept going does look weird (tho its just clearly a backing vocal track to help boost it or to allow her to hold long notes, so im not fussed)

i like this song tho, i sorta wish she’d taken the reperform . ooOOOOH ‘absolute cockhead’ same. i like that they decided to cut to an interview to allow for the backstage crew and security to figure out what the Fuck just happened. like its obvious it was an unplanned interview but i think that was a good way to do it. a+

oh fuck thats ethereal. wooooahhhhhhhhhHHH. oh bitch. oh my god. i love this. oh i REALLY like this one. gave me chills. also, ‘crazy colonel sanders’ what, the flutist? yall are uncreative fuckers. he looks nothing like colonel sanders, in ANY way. like he just loosk like your reclusive grandfather. or like uhhhh montgomery montgomery from the asoue movie (i forget the actor sorry i know hes big)

oh this song hurts and it really shouldnt. ow. fuck. im meant to be doing my essay and im crying on the couch bitch Fuck. listen dude songs about close family dying hurt me so bad. HES CRYING TOO!!!!! bitch. ow. god no wonder he came 4th, that shit fucking Hurt me. oh my god. my throat hurts. god dammit germany! no!!!! bad!!!!! i came for fun. im slain.

im a fan of this albanian song too. it feels sorta like im listening to uhhhhh...... one of chelseas french musicals, actually. specifically robin du bois. i think its the instrumentation. big fan. oh my god i Love him.

why is their outfits being designed by gautier matter. wow those are square shoulders. i wish he hadnt. looks like something a Sith Lord would wear. the shoulders are better in context of the whole outfit. just..... not on a close up, i dont think. uh lovely song btw. oh the converse do not work with that outfit. why is she wearing sneaker esque shoes. what the hell was that.

he did a backflip?? in rehea- woah. hold on. black bars????? they havent been there the whole time, have they?? this looks like an aesthetic choice???? im confused. oh no did he have to dance like that. was that to fill in for the backflip they had to cut because he hurt himself. :| did they just dab. this is disgusting. i mean the song is nice but Why tho. czech hipster man, why must you hurt me. also i love how ‘whats up eurovision’ worked perfectly with the beat. v nice.

i heard viktor krum, what did he do. what does he have to do with this. why the fuck did they mention viktor krum, that actor is bulgarian and this is denmark???? i cant rewind. did i miss a joke. also ooh this is a fun viking beat.

WHAT HE FUCK DOES VIKTOR KRUM HAVE TO DO WITH IT. these commentators absolutely suck. i literally dont understand. they look NOTHING like durmstrang??? yall fuckers seen the movie?

also wow this is the much hyped australian act................. hmm. yea no we deserved 20th place. this isnt great. it also doesnt feel like shes hitting certain notes? but im tone deaf so i cant judge. this really isnt great. like ‘oh were a win chance’ yall blind from patriotism. i prefer most of the others. this isnt great. (i mean i dont wanna be that downer asshole but i Mean......... this is a competition and we got what we deserved here) oh god no that didnt work. nnn nah.

also STOP THE FUCKING FLASHING LIGHTS you fucking assholes. oh my god. im just /begging/. oh my god shut the fuck up commentators. these commentators honestly fucking suck. i hate them.

the commentators dabbed. Why. WHY. whats wrong with yall. fuck me.

also im still bewildered by the ‘straight? one way to put it’ joke like genuinely what was it. if the prior performance had been one of the gayer ones that i know are coming up, then maybe itd make sense. this is bewildering. heyyy its the ncis lady. i like her.

im waiting to finally hear israels unbutchered song ver (the ‘vote for israel’ ad presumably fucked it).

fuck i need food and i cant pause. god, is every song a favourite, yeesh. small aside - im sick of bands with a Single female. cowards. i mean this band is fairly diverse and i appreciate that! thats very nice!!! its not a specific knock. just like.... come on........... where the girls in the big bands at.

X RATED WIGGLES???????? are you all fucking mad. good lord this shit is absurd. oh this feels like a gameshow set. i like this. oh i like this. this is an aesthetic. i love the illusion stuff. im a Big fan. i dont think id call any of this x rated... m, certainly. wouldnt ban most of this from tv, you feel me. i thought that was quite fun. can you stop talking over the actual presenters please, you australian cockheads. im really hungry.

ooh i like this. edm, right??? i kinda dig it. like its hit or miss for the genre but i like this.

I WAS RIGHT ABOUT THE BLACK BARS. fuckers. it was stylistic, right? i appreciate it.

oh. screamo? fantastic. just what i want! :) precisely my genre :) big fan of screaming :) OOH this opening beats though, ooooohhh fuck yea. lets hear it boys. oh, les screaming, more yelling. no im mostly okay with that. its in hungarian but thats aight. im sure the nordic countries appreciate this hard rock representation. also, flashing lights!!! stop! oh im not a fan of the backup singers there. thats a shame.

‘unique song’ thematically??? yall fucking crazy weve covered both bullying and metoo in two previous songs. ya dunce.

ok lets hear it. OH her vocals are gorgeous. also by ‘referencing jpop’ are you talking about the outfit??? im mixed on it because idk shit about ~culture~ but it is cute, i suppose. i dunno anything about jpop either.

but wow that ad really did not represent this song well. dumbass.

huh. country. weird. i mean this is nice, sure, but its not my thing.

HEYYY IRELAND!!! helloooo. this is nice. just nice and sweet. like that was just nice.

ooh cyprus. oh my fucking god STOP SAYING FAVOURITE you absolute fucking balloons. ‘how does she get the outfit on’ you can see the zip and its obviously a full body suit, ding dong. dumb man. im liking this though. big fan.

oh final song, thank god, i can almost go get FOOD!!! im hungry.

was that a russian overlay. interesting?? i also feel like some of these overlays definitely arent italian. are they singing italian tho? are the overlays just thematic w/ some subtitle esque ones? its nice though. like, the message is definitely in a good close and i love it on that level..... on a uh...... Song level? not really.

well that was neat.... im getting food. oh jeez the commentators almost spoke over each other yeesh.

why do they keep saying fucking viktor krum. im so fucking mad about that. its so fucking stupid. like thats. thats not. thats not remotely close??? you dumbass.

not an exhaustive list, but i like norway, portugal, UK, germany (brings me to fucking tears), albania, france (STOP GOING ON ABOUT GAUTIER), finland, bulgaria, moldova, sweden, israel, cyprus. theyre nice. germany fucked me up the most so i think im legally required to say i wish germany had won.

‘heres sandra bullock and jennifer lawrence’ shut the actual fuck up.

anyway im leaving. that was fun.

#eurovision 2018 stuff #long post #i couldnt leave my seat for 2 fucking hours because my pause button is broke. gg.

0 notes

captain-spookycandycollecti-blog · 7 years ago

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Which is cheaper- homeowner insurance or landlord insurance?

"Which is cheaper- homeowner insurance or landlord insurance?

Which is cheaper- homeowner insurance or landlord insurance?

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Why don't Gay men get the same car insurance rates as women?

Speeding tickets and Insurance rates (read details)?

I received one speeding ticket back in February 2010, I took a driving class for it so I would not receive points on my license and consequently my insurance provider would not be able to raise my rate. However, I've received two speeding tickets in the past week (both only 9 miles over the speed limit) :'( which would result in 6 points on my license. I live in Florida, and I have State Farm insurance. Does anyone have any idea at all what will/could happen to my insurance? :(""

Can you register a vehicle and get liability insurance in Texas without a driver's license?

In the near future I'll be moving back to Texas, I'm currently out of the country and I'm a 20 year old US citizen. Anyway, I don't know if this makes sense but is it possible to buy, register a vehicle and get liability insurance in Texas without a driver's license? According to dmv.com to get a first time driver's license in Texas you need the following: -Provide proof of identity. -Provide proof of Social Security number. -Provide proof of Texas vehicle registration and liability insurance, if you own a vehicle. -Complete required application forms available at any Texas driver license office. -Pay the required fee. -Pass the written, driving, and vision examinations. The applicant must provide the vehicle for the driving test. -Your application must include a photograph and thumbprint. The main reason I ask this is because it says that I need to provide a vehicle for the test with insurance obviously, so does this mean that I can buy, register, and insure my vehicle before I take the driving test to get my driver's license? I do have an out of country driver's license, but I don't know if that will work. I have been driving since I was 15, but now I need my Texas driver's license. I still don't know anyone who could lend me their car for the test. Any suggestions??? Thanks.""

Why are my car insurance quotes changing?

I shopped for car insurance yesterday. Today I could not remember if I I forgot a company, so I did them all again because I was bored, all of my quotes went up with some, went down with others. I double checked and I didn't change any info. So I did 3 companies within 10 minutes of each other, and they changed again! I think they pull quotes out of a hat.""

Which is cheaper- homeowner insurance or landlord insurance?

Do I really need health insurance?

I am 22 and I live with my wife. She just got out of military. We had Tricare insurance for 4 years active but we never had to use it once. So is it worth it to start paying 200 a month for civilian insurance (Tricare Reserve Select)?

Is the car insurance free for me?

Ok, my family has State Farm and my mom and dad are on the insurance. If they list me as part-time, will they have to pay extra for me (I have a clear driving record.)? I tried to ask the agent this question,but I guess he didn't understand what I was trying to say. He said anyone that my parents give permission to can drive the car and they'll cover if there's an accident. So, does that mean the name has to APPEAR on the insurance if I'm part time?""

Is there any user friendly and cheap motorcycles out there?

Hi, I'm 17 years old and looking to get a motorcycle. I have good grades and will only drive a motorcycle when the conditions are right. Like weather, cars on the road Sat. Sun. which has less cars, and going to school and to work. I don't care if I die and I'm not afraid to die. I have $7,000 saved up in the bank and would like to buy a Ninja 250 for $3,500 -2008. Plus $400 for gear and classes. I will get my driver's license this December and will take the MSD courses in spring of 2010. I can't find any used or cheap ninja 250's around my area and I think I would rather go stright to the dealer rather then the seller because of too much red tape and work. I think my insurance will be cheaper because I will ride only to school and work and I have good grades. Even though I am young. SO, is there any place I can find any user friendly bikes or cheap ninja 250's?""

Is there short term car insurance?

I am going on a trip, and i am going to borrow a car from someone, and they don't have insurance on it..I wanted to know if i could get temporary insurance on it..""

Why is a car insurance trying to settle a car accident claim fast?

I was in a car accident. The other driver did a squat and stop scam. (the driver speeds out quickly in front of another driver so he/she wont have enough time to stop and then sit there so the other driver can hit him/her) However, the other driver's car insurance trying to settle quick. The driver's car insurance company did their investigation and came to an conclusion that I was at fault.. (yeah right) The accident happen on 4/20/11 and they trying to settle on 4/28/11. (eight days later) When I mentioned that my attorney was handling the case. All of a sudden the company sending me letters claiming it my fault and I have to pay for my own damages. And, that I have so many years to take the claim to court. (hoping that I want) I just fax everything over to my attorney. I am still going through therapy. I do have car insurance. So, why is the driver's car insurance company trying to settle the claim quick when they was actually at fault? Please, only knowledgeable people reply. Thank you so much Note: The driver's girlfriend was told to fake she was injury because she is pregnant. Also, the driver came out the wrong exit of the driveway speeding..""

""My Dad has cancer, and my parents can not afford life insurance for him. Can I get it to help out when the time comes?""

My Dad has cancer, and my parents can not afford life insurance for him. Can I get it to help out when the time comes?""

I need help finding a good cheap sporty used car with low insurance rates.?

Well I turn 16 in december, I've had my permit for about two months and my family is at total loss of cars. My sister and her car are going to College, and my mom is using the Sienna. So my dads been riding his motorcycle to work. However, he wont be able to do so because he has a 30 mile commute to work. So he needs a car before the rain rolls in, so when he gets a car it'll be his, until I get my license, then it becomes ours. However, all my ideas are getting shot down, but as we get closer to needing one, slowly he's getting more okay with my ideas, but I need your help. I want an Rx8, I've wanted one since I was in 4th grade. I know I know. What the hell, why? A rotary engine with not even 2 litres. barely any horsepower and only gets 16/26 mpg. Well I've driven an Rx8 and I think they're amazing. HOWEVER, my dad doesnt want one for one reason, and one reason only. High insurance. So I was wondering if you can help me find a sporty used car, that I could find pretty cheap. For some Ideas I like, Bmw 330ci's, 328i's, rx8's, G37 coupes. OH YEAH, that reminds me, I'd like a coupe, but a 4 door would work well too if it still maintains a sleek style. like a lexus IS250s. Manual transmission or automatic is fine. decent mileage. you know the drill, OH and it must be atleast 4 seater. Thank you, its greatly appreciated.""

Looking for health Insurance?

I'm looking for affordable health insurance with good coverage and options for doctors. A PPO is okay but I'm looking for quality AND affordability. Dental and vision would be a great plus. Can anybody out there help me!?!

Insurance Company sent me 2 checks?

So I recently got rear ended and the other party was at fault. I went to the appraiser that the all state agent had directed me to and had my car appraised. When I got my car appraised the appraiser wrote me a check then and there for the damages . Today I got a phone call from the insurance agent asking if my mailing address was correct and that they were going to mail me out a check for the damages that their appraiser had estimated. She never asked me once if I had already received a check for the damages.The appraiser made some kind of contact with allstate but I guess he never stated that he already had written me a check. Is it a crime if I cash both checks?

Insurance website says differnt car?

Ive been looking at cars on eBay and looking how much insurance would be for them and I found one car, but when I put the number plate in the insurance website it says that the car is a different make all together. Is this just a glitch in the system or something illegal and I should stear clear of?""

Does anyone know what the average car insurance is for a 2003 g35 coupe iam 18?

i also live in maryland

Is it true because of government changes my car insurance bill should be lower?

some lady @ work told me 0bama passed some kind of bill so i should change my insurance so it can be lower...its currently @ $400 a month i cant afford this anymore PLEASE HELP

Is renter's insurance required for tenants in california?

Health insurance question?

Is there any way I can get health insurance? I have no money and no job. I recently had to quit my recent job due to moving. I'm 19 years old and have a disc herniation that I'm trying to get checked out. Parents don't have money and will not take me not their fault, healthcare as I know is expensive. Ill have a job by the end of November is there anyway I could somehow get insurance through a loan or something similar? Probably a dumb question but it don't hurt to ask.""

What is the best dental insurance in Florida?

I'm gearing up for braces, I need some filling and extractions first so I'm looking for a good dental plan. I need 5 fillings and two extractions. To be frank, I'm a little confused on which one to choose. I'm self employed so I don't belong to any insurance plan as of right now. I'm looking for whats going to be the cheapest for just what I need done (listed above) and nothing more. btw I live in Tampa. Thanks in advance for any suggestions!""

What is the cheapest car insurance for me on my own plan???

i have a 2005 dodge stratus coupe 5 sp. sxt. almost 19 yrs old. i have a failure to yield ticket in feb. of 07. i live in Porter County, IN what is the best insurance for me???""

HOw much does PIP insurance cost in miami florida?

does anyone know how much would PIP insurance cost for a 18 year old female driving a white 2002 SATURN SL2 in miami florida

Please explain Voluntary Excess on car insurance?

Im looking at car insurance, If i set my 'Voluntary Excess' to lets say 500, My insurance is cheaper :D BUT... If i have a crash BUT DO NOT want to get my car fixed by MY insurance, Will i still have to pay this 500 'Voluntary Excess' ?? The car i want is about <1000 If i crash it, I WONT want it to be fixed by the insurance, Its not worth it really, Its half the price of the car. So do i have to pay this voluntary excess if i dont claim ? Or do i still have to pay it to fix the 3rd party's car ?""

Do you need to have car insurance to rent a car?

I used to live in Ohio. Now i live in Florida. I'm trying to plan a trip up to Ohio to see my friends next week. I sold my car here in Florida because i really didn't need it anymore. So of course my car insurance was cancelled after that. Will they let me rent a car without insurance? I know you can buy the rental company's insurance which i will do of course. Thank you in advance.

Really Angry ! where can i get cheap van insurance im 18 ?

i been on go compare the cheapest i got was 4600 thats on a 1.9 litre van i think its stupid how can i make a living paying that kind of money out i need my van for work plus its not like its really powerfull its a sh!tty van i wolud not mine if it with a 1.9 sports car buts its a van it sholud be cheaper on vans im 18 do u know where i can get cheaper van insurance plus i got quoted 2600 on a 1.1 car

Renters insurance cant get homeonwers?

im about to payoff my mobile home and own it but i cant get homeonwers insurance since i own my mobile home could i just get renters insurance and protect my belogings inside my trailer. keep in mind in paying a month lot rent fee for my trailer to sit on someone elses property.

Does anyone have any personal experience with Transamerica Life Insurance? Positive or Negative?

Life Insurance Companies

How much is mobile home insurance in South Florida?

Looking to buy a vacation home in West Palm Beach. Does anyone out there who actually lives in a mobile home in South Florida tell me how much to expect? The park is on the Intercoastal, I was going to buy for cash but now the douche bag owner raised the price so now I am going to look else where and may have to finance some of the purchase price and I am assuming that I will have to insure it. I am expecting the worse. Please only answer if you really know a number.""

Car insurance changes depending where you live?

My sister has had a car for awhile now that was given to her by a family member, and she had her insurance and all set up and she was fine. We moved pretty much across the street but when you cross this street you live in a different town, the borders are in the middle of the road. So she called to change her address and they charged her 30 some odd dollars cause apparently the costs of living in this down is higher on your car insurance, so can anyone please explain to me why this is? Why would moving from one town to another, [across a road] take any effect on car insurance?""

How much would my insurance be?

I am 15, i took driver's training when i was 14. and I just got my license. i was wondering how much it would be to insure a ford focus. I get good grades, about a 3.5 gpa so i dont know if that will help lower my insurance.""

Which is cheaper- homeowner insurance or landlord insurance?

Affordable Health Insurance for a single adult in Minnesota? I need help/advice!!!!?

I just moved to Minnesota and need health insurance but don't even know where to start. I know I dont qualify for Minnesota Care because I make too much. I can't get health insurance through my new job yet because I just started and will qualify for that in 6 months but I need medical help now. Any advice on what I should do?

Car insurance ( diabetes )?

after i get a quote online when i proceed to pay will the insurers phone me or will i after phone them as i have a 3 year medical licence and i need to let them know off my medical condition ( diabetes insulin dependant ) first time getting insurance so any info would be great

Insurance on a 2010 Scion Tc?!?

Is there any way to estimate this?? What would be more for Insurance? A Scion TC or a Toyota Camry? I have never been in an accident before and It would be under my fathers name anyway, who has no accidents or violations""

In the state of Florida do I need to have insurance before I can get my license?

I am 19, I've had my permit for 3 years now, and I would like to know if I need insurance in order to get my license and if I need to take the road signs, and rules test again?""

Should i get life insurance or not?

i know the end is near for me and i think it would be good for me to get life insurance ive destroyed myself and my own life i think it would be appropriate for me to get life insurance so the funeral could at least be covered thanks 10 points

Car Insurance Premium?

* PLEASE ANSWER ONLY IF YOU ARE SURE, THANKS* My totaled car is now in my insurance company's possession, so shouldn't I be paying a lower monthly premium if I am driving a rental minivan? I know that with owning a Honda, my rate was pricier because its a commonly stolen car. But I am driving a rental now and feel that I shouldn't be paying the same monthly premium of $226, as I was on my Honda if it isn't even in my possession. Does this sound right?""

How much is a doctor visit without insurance?

My friend hasn't been feeling well for a few days now and needs to see a doctor. Does anyone know how much a doctor visit would be if she went to a walk in clinic? She doesn't have any insurance. By the way we live in Miami, Fl.""

Do I need insurance to drive my father's car?

recently i have passed my driving test and my father have a comprehensive car insurances!!! i can't effort to buy a car or car insurance? do you think is legal to drive it? thanks

What is the best(cheapest) orthodontic insurance?

Question to Young Drivers about Insurance.?

Hi, i am 20 and just passed my test and now i need a car and insurance, i was wondering if you young drivers have gotten any 'cheapish' car insurance recently and what car, thanks. Cheapest i've found is a Renault Clio, Peguot 107 and a Fiat Punto.""

Average Cost of Homeowner's Insurance for a home..?

that is appraised at 169,000 and bought for 166,000?""

Question on insurance and license suspension.?

i bought a car and started financing. i got car insurance, but the next day i found a way cheaper one. so i called to cancel the old one, and put a downpayment on the new one. for some reason my other one wasnt cancled, and i have duplicate insurance. i just recieved an email from the expsensive insurance saying if i dont make a payment my license will be suspended. but this cant really happen right? if im making payments on my other full coverage insurance that i want to keep, i still have current insurance.""

How much is car insurance for a 16 year old?

Hello. I am a male and I will drive a 08 mustang. none of my parents have caused an accident.

How much does the average person pay yearly for car insurance?

I'm considering buying a 2007 Nissan Sentra or Toyota Corolla. It may be new or certified pre owned.

Car insurance question?

I only renewed my car insurance 5 month back and paying a load for it. I just found I can save 30 a month. on the whole I would save even after another initial payment. Would it be a good thing to swap insurance companinies for this and can I swap.

Insurance question please?

hi i am a learner and but my partner has a car that is insured on his friends name. my question is my partner states he cannot teach me how to drive or put my name under the insurance because it would cost more and he might get into trouble with the police . i just want to know if this is true and if so like how much would it cost.

Do you need to buy the car before getting insurance for it?

I am looking for my first (used) car from a private seller, and I would like to be able to drive it home, so will I have to buy insurance for it before I buy it? And will I have to own the deed before I get the insurance?""

What is the best web site for comparing car insurance rates?

How much car insurance should I buy?

So I'm online looking at insurance quotes and they all ask how much coverage I would like, I'm really not sure. What is the normal amount that people usually get? what is the normal deductable?""

How does a foreigner to the uk get car insurance?

My husband is NOT a uk resident but i am. He is living here in the uk and currently applying to be a uk resident. We are struggling to find car insurance for my husband as main companies like churchills say he has to be a U.K resident. It could take us quite a few years before he becomes a uk resident. Surely business people or visitors to the uk get car insurance or do they all only use car hire? Any advice greatly appreciated.

Driving with no insurance in Florida...?

I have a question about driving without insurance in the state of Florida. I am a 20 year old college student that cannot afford $483.00 a month in car insurance. If I cancel my insurance and drive without insurance and get in an accident that is the other persons fault, what is the worst that could happen to me? Can they sue me for all I have? If so, what if I have nothing besides the car that is on a loan for $17,000. -If they don't rip us off with the gas prices, they'll be certain to get us with the insurance.""

How soon until my fiances Insurance covers me getting married next week URGENT?

I just got diagnosed with Breast cancer and I don't have insurance my fianc has great insurance though his work and we are getting married next weekend. He has group insurance will it cover me and how soon.. Pre existing condition?

Does anyone offer classic insurance coverage for young drivers?

My son is 17 and soon to be 18. He has a modified restored vehicle and I have not found anyone that will provide insurance due to his age.

How much for car insurance?

My mom drives a Mercedes B 150 (about 5 year old car), she's Middle Aged and had a good driving record so her insurance is around 200-300pa. I'm nearly 18, and a new driver (passed yesterday), was wondering how much insurance would be for me if I was added onto her insurance. (just an estimation would be great!) Thanks in advance!""

I don't have car insurance on my car?

I don't pay insurance on my car. My girlfriends has insurance on her car. Is it legal for her to drive my car? or does my car have to be insured by insurance for her to drive too (i.e. because she has insurance on her car, I can drive her car legally.)""

Which is cheaper- homeowner insurance or landlord insurance?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/how-much-do-you-pay-your-car-insurance-10pts-self-maus"

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viralhottopics · 8 years ago

Text

Robert Mercer: the big data billionaire waging war on mainstream media

With links to Donald Trump, Steve Bannon and Nigel Farage, the rightwing American computer scientist is at the heart of a multimillion-dollar propaganda network

Just over a week ago, Donald Trump gathered members of the worlds press before him and told them they were liars. The press, honestly, is out of control, he said. The public doesnt believe you any more. CNN was described as very fake news story after story is bad. The BBC was another beauty.

That night I did two things. First, I typed Trump in the search box of Twitter. My feed was reporting that he was crazy, a lunatic, a raving madman. But that wasnt how it was playing out elsewhere. The results produced a stream of Go Donald!!!!, and You show em!!! There were star-spangled banner emojis and thumbs-up emojis and clips of Trump laying into the FAKE news MSM liars!

Trump had spoken, and his audience had heard him. Then I did what Ive been doing for two and a half months now. I Googled mainstream media is And there it was. Googles autocomplete suggestions: mainstream media is dead, dying, fake news, fake, finished. Is it dead, I wonder? Has FAKE news won? Are we now the FAKE news? Is the mainstream media we, us, I dying?

I click Googles first suggested link. It leads to a website called CNSnews.com and an article: The Mainstream media are dead. Theyre dead, I learn, because they we, I cannot be trusted. How had it, an obscure site Id never heard of, dominated Googles search algorithm on the topic? In the About us tab, I learn CNSnews is owned by the Media Research Center, which a click later I learn is Americas media watchdog, an organisation that claims an unwavering commitment to neutralising leftwing bias in the news, media and popular culture.

Another couple of clicks and I discover that it receives a large bulk of its funding more than $10m in the past decade from a single source, the hedge fund billionaire Robert Mercer. If you follow US politics you may recognise the name. Robert Mercer is the money behind Donald Trump. But then, I will come to learn, Robert Mercer is the money behind an awful lot of things. He was Trumps single biggest donor. Mercer started backing Ted Cruz, but when he fell out of the presidential race he threw his money $13.5m of it behind the Trump campaign.

Its money hes made as a result of his career as a brilliant but reclusive computer scientist. He started his career at IBM, where he made what the Association for Computational Linguistics called revolutionary breakthroughs in language processing a science that went on to be key in developing todays AI and later became joint CEO of Renaissance Technologies, a hedge fund that makes its money by using algorithms to model and trade on the financial markets.

One of its funds, Medallion, which manages only its employees money, is the most successful in the world generating $55bn so far. And since 2010, Mercer has donated $45m to different political campaigns all Republican and another $50m to non-profits all rightwing, ultra-conservative. This is a billionaire who is, as billionaires are wont, trying to reshape the world according to his personal beliefs.

Donald Trumps presidential campaigned received $13.5m from Robert Mercer. Photograph: Timothy A Clary/AFP/Getty Images

Robert Mercer very rarely speaks in public and never to journalists, so to gauge his beliefs you have to look at where he channels his money: a series of yachts, all called Sea Owl; a $2.9m model train set; climate change denial (he funds a climate change denial thinktank, the Heartland Institute); and what is maybe the ultimate rich mans plaything the disruption of the mainstream media. In this he is helped by his close associate Steve Bannon, Trumps campaign manager and now chief strategist. The money he gives to the Media Research Center, with its mission of correcting liberal bias is just one of his media plays. There are other bigger, and even more deliberate strategies, and shining brightly, the star at the centre of the Mercer media galaxy, is Breitbart.

It was $10m of Mercers money that enabled Bannon to fund Breitbart a rightwing news site, set up with the express intention of being a Huffington Post for the right. It has launched the careers of Milo Yiannopoulos and his like, regularly hosts antisemitic and Islamophobic views, and is currently being boycotted by more than 1,000 brands after an activist campaign. It has been phenomenally successful: the 29th most popular site in America with 2bn page views a year. Its bigger than its inspiration, the Huffington Post, bigger, even, than PornHub. Its the biggest political site on Facebook. The biggest on Twitter.

Prominent rightwing journalist Andrew Breitbart, who founded the site but died in 2012, told Bannon that they had to take back the culture. And, arguably, they have, though American culture is only the start of it. In 2014, Bannon launched Breitbart London, telling the New York Times it was specifically timed ahead of the UKs forthcoming election. It was, he said, the latest front in our current cultural and political war. France and Germany are next.

But there was another reason why I recognised Robert Mercers name: because of his connection to Cambridge Analytica, a small data analytics company. He is reported to have a $10m stake in the company, which was spun out of a bigger British company called SCL Group. It specialises in election management strategies and messaging and information operations, refined over 25 years in places like Afghanistan and Pakistan. In military circles this is known as psyops psychological operations. (Mass propaganda that works by acting on peoples emotions.)

Cambridge Analytica worked for the Trump campaign and, so Id read, the Leave campaign. When Mercer supported Cruz, Cambridge Analytica worked with Cruz. When Robert Mercer started supporting Trump, Cambridge Analytica came too. And where Mercers money is, Steve Bannon is usually close by: it was reported that until recently he had a seat on the board.

Last December, I wrote about Cambridge Analytica in a piece about how Googles search results on certain subjects were being dominated by rightwing and extremist sites. Jonathan Albright, a professor of communications at Elon University, North Carolina, who had mapped the news ecosystem and found millions of links between rightwing sites strangling the mainstream media, told me that trackers from sites like Breitbart could also be used by companies like Cambridge Analytica to follow people around the web and then, via Facebook, target them with ads.

On its website, Cambridge Analytica makes the astonishing boast that it has psychological profiles based on 5,000 separate pieces of data on 220 million American voters its USP is to use this data to understand peoples deepest emotions and then target them accordingly. The system, according to Albright, amounted to a propaganda machine.

A few weeks later, the Observer received a letter. Cambridge Analytica was not employed by the Leave campaign, it said. Cambridge Analytica is a US company based in the US. It hasnt worked in British politics.

Which is how, earlier this week, I ended up in a Pret a Manger near Westminster with Andy Wigmore, Leave.EUs affable communications director, looking at snapshots of Donald Trump on his phone. It was Wigmore who orchestrated Nigel Farages trip to Trump Tower the PR coup that saw him become the first foreign politician to meet the president elect.

Wigmore scrolls through the snaps on his phone. Thats the one I took, he says pointing at the now globally famous photo of Farage and Trump in front of his golden elevator door giving the thumbs-up sign. Wigmore was one of the bad boys of Brexit a term coined by Arron Banks, the Bristol-based businessman who was Leave.EUs co-founder.

Cambridge Analytica had worked for them, he said. It had taught them how to build profiles, how to target people and how to scoop up masses of data from peoples Facebook profiles. A video on YouTube shows one of Cambridge Analyticas and SCLs employees, Brittany Kaiser, sitting on the panel at Leave.EUs launch event.

Facebook was the key to the entire campaign, Wigmore explained. A Facebook like, he said, was their most potent weapon. Because using artificial intelligence, as we did, tells you all sorts of things about that individual and how to convince them with what sort of advert. And you knew there would also be other people in their network who liked what they liked, so you could spread. And then you follow them. The computer never stops learning and it never stops monitoring.

Steve Bannon, Donald Trumps chief strategist, is an associate of Robert Mercer. Photograph: Evan Vucci/AP

It sounds creepy, I say.

It is creepy! Its really creepy! Its why Im not on Facebook! I tried it on myself to see what information it had on me and I was like, Oh my God! Whats scary is that my kids had put things on Instagram and it picked that up. It knew where my kids went to school.

They hadnt employed Cambridge Analytica, he said. No money changed hands. They were happy to help.

Why?

Because Nigel is a good friend of the Mercers. And Robert Mercer introduced them to us. He said, Heres this company we think may be useful to you. What they were trying to do in the US and what we were trying to do had massive parallels. We shared a lot of information. Why wouldnt you? Behind Trumps campaign and Cambridge Analytica, he said, were the same people. Its the same family.

There were already a lot of questions swirling around Cambridge Analytica, and Andy Wigmore has opened up a whole lot more. Such as: are you supposed to declare services-in-kind as some sort of donation? The Electoral Commission says yes, if it was more than 7,500. And was it declared? The Electoral Commission says no. Does that mean a foreign billionaire had possibly influenced the referendum without that influence being apparent? Its certainly a question worth asking.

In the last month or so, articles in first the Swiss and the US press have asked exactly what Cambridge Analytica is doing with US voters data. In a statement to the Observer, the Information Commissioners Office said: Any business collecting and using personal data in the UK must do so fairly and lawfully. We will be contacting Cambridge Analytica and asking questions to find out how the company is operating in the UK and whether the law is being followed.

Cambridge Analytica said last Friday they are in touch with the ICO and are completely compliant with UK and EU data laws. It did not answer other questions the Observer put to it this week about how it built its psychometric model, which owes its origins to original research carried out by scientists at Cambridge Universitys Psychometric Centre, research based on a personality quiz on Facebook that went viral. More than 6 million people ended up doing it, producing an astonishing treasure trove of data.

These Facebook profiles especially peoples likes could be correlated across millions of others to produce uncannily accurate results. Michal Kosinski, the centres lead scientist, found that with knowledge of 150 likes, their model could predict someones personality better than their spouse. With 300, it understood you better than yourself. Computers see us in a more robust way than we see ourselves, says Kosinski.

But there are strict ethical regulations regarding what you can do with this data. Did SCL Group have access to the universitys model or data, I ask Professor Jonathan Rust, the centres director? Certainly not from us, he says. We have very strict rules around this.

A scientist, Aleksandr Kogan, from the centre was contracted to build a model for SCL, and says he collected his own data. Professor Rust says he doesnt know where Kogans data came from. The evidence was contrary. I reported it. An independent adjudicator was appointed by the university. But then Kogan said hed signed a non-disclosure agreement with SCL and he couldnt continue [answering questions].

Kogan disputes this and says SCL satisfied the universitys inquiries. But perhaps more than anyone, Professor Rust understands how the kind of information people freely give up to social media sites could be used.

Former Ukip leader Nigel Farage is a friend of the Mercers. Photograph: Oli Scarff/AFP/Getty Images

The danger of not having regulation around the sort of data you can get from Facebook and elsewhere is clear. With this, a computer can actually do psychology, it can predict and potentially control human behaviour. Its what the scientologists try to do but much more powerful. Its how you brainwash someone. Its incredibly dangerous.

Its no exaggeration to say that minds can be changed. Behaviour can be predicted and controlled. I find it incredibly scary. I really do. Because nobody has really followed through on the possible consequences of all this. People dont know its happening to them. Their attitudes are being changed behind their backs.

Mercer invested in Cambridge Analytica, the Washington Post reported, driven in part by an assessment that the right was lacking sophisticated technology capabilities. But in many ways, its what Cambridge Analyticas parent company does that raises even more questions.

Emma Briant, a propaganda specialist at the University of Sheffield, wrote about SCL Group in her 2015 book, Propaganda and Counter-Terrorism: Strategies for Global Change. Cambridge Analytica has the technological tools to effect behavioural and psychological change, she said, but its SCL that strategises it. It has specialised, at the highest level for Nato, the MoD, the US state department and others in changing the behaviour of large groups. It models mass populations and then it changes their beliefs.

SCL was founded by someone called Nigel Oakes, who worked for Saatchi & Saatchi on Margaret Thatchers image, says Briant, and the company had been making money out of the propaganda side of the war on terrorism over a long period of time. There are different arms of SCL but its all about reach and the ability to shape the discourse. They are trying to amplify particular political narratives. And they are selective in who they go for: they are not doing this for the left.

In the course of the US election, Cambridge Analytica amassed a database, as it claims on its website, of almost the entire US voting population 220 million people and the Washington Post reported last week that SCL was increasing staffing at its Washington office and competing for lucrative new contracts with Trumps administration. It seems significant that a company involved in engineering a political outcome profits from what follows. Particularly if its the manipulation, and then resolution, of fear, says Briant.

Its the database, and what may happen to it, that particularly exercises Paul-Olivier Dehaye, a Swiss mathematician and data activist who has been investigating Cambridge Analytica and SCL for more than a year. How is it going to be used? he says. Is it going to be used to try and manipulate people around domestic policies? Or to ferment conflict between different communities? It is potentially very scary. People just dont understand the power of this data and how it can be used against them.

There are two things, potentially, going on simultaneously: the manipulation of information on a mass level, and the manipulation of information at a very individual level. Both based on the latest understandings in science about how people work, and enabled by technological platforms built to bring us together.

Are we living in a new era of propaganda, I ask Emma Briant? One we cant see, and that is working on us in ways we cant understand? Where we can only react, emotionally, to its messages? Definitely. The way that surveillance through technology is so pervasive, the collection and use of our data is so much more sophisticated. Its totally covert. And people dont realise what is going on.

Public mood and politics goes through cycles. You dont have to subscribe to any conspiracy theory, Briant says, to see that a mass change in public sentiment is happening. Or that some of the tools in action are straight out of the militarys or SCLs playbook.

But then theres increasing evidence that our public arenas the social media sites where we post our holiday snaps or make comments about the news are a new battlefield where international geopolitics is playing out in real time. Its a new age of propaganda. But whose? This week, Russia announced the formation of a new branch of the military: information warfare troops.

Sam Woolley of the Oxford Internet Institutes computational propaganda institute tells me that one third of all traffic on Twitter before the EU referendum was automated bots accounts that are programmed to look like people, to act like people, and to change the conversation, to make topics trend. And they were all for Leave. Before the US election, they were five-to-one in favour of Trump many of them Russian. Last week they have been in action in the Stoke byelection Russian bots, organised by who? attacking Paul Nuttall.

Politics is war, said Steve Bannon last year in the Wall Street Journal. And increasingly this looks to be true.

Theres nothing accidental about Trumps behaviour, Andy Wigmore tells me. That press conference. It was absolutely brilliant. I could see exactly what he was doing. Theres feedback going on constantly. Thats what you can do with artificial intelligence. You can measure ever reaction to every word. He has a word room, where you fix key words. We did it. So with immigration, there are actually key words within that subject matter which people are concerned about. So when you are going to make a speech, its all about how can you use these trending words.

Wigmore met with Trumps team right at the start of the Leave campaign. And they said the holy grail was artificial intelligence.

Who did?

Jared Kushner and Jason Miller.

Later, when Trump picked up Mercer and Cambridge Analytica, the game changed again. Its all about the emotions. This is the big difference with what we did. They call it bio-psycho-social profiling. It takes your physical, mental and lifestyle attributes and works out how people work, how they react emotionally.

Bio-psycho-social profiling, I read later, is one offensive in what is called cognitive warfare. Though there are many others: recoding the mass consciousness to turn patriotism into collaborationism, explains a Nato briefing document on countering Russian disinformation written by an SCL employee. Time-sensitive professional use of media to propagate narratives, says one US state department white paper. Of particular importance to psyop personnel may be publicly and commercially available data from social media platforms.

Yet another details the power of a cognitive casualty a moral shock that has a disabling effect on empathy and higher processes such as moral reasoning and critical thinking. Something like immigration, perhaps. Or fake news. Or as it has now become: FAKE news!!!!

How do you change the way a nation thinks? You could start by creating a mainstream media to replace the existing one with a site such as Breitbart. You could set up other websites that displace mainstream sources of news and information with your own definitions of concepts like liberal media bias, like CNSnews.com. And you could give the rump mainstream media, papers like the failing New York Times! what it wants: stories. Because the third prong of Mercer and Bannons media empire is the Government Accountability Institute.

Bannon co-founded it with $2m of Mercers money. Mercers daughter, Rebekah, was appointed to the board. Then they invested in expensive, long-term investigative journalism. The modern economics of the newsroom dont support big investigative reporting staffs, Bannon told Forbes magazine. You wouldnt get a Watergate, a Pentagon Papers today, because nobody can afford to let a reporter spend seven months on a story. We can. Were working as a support function.

Welcome to the future of journalism in the age of platform capitalism. News organisations have to do a better job of creating new financial models. But in the gaps in between, a determined plutocrat and a brilliant media strategist can, and have, found a way to mould journalism to their own ends.

In 2015, Steve Bannon described to Forbes how the GAI operated, employing a data scientist to trawl the dark web (in the article he boasts of having access to $1.3bn worth of supercomputers) to dig up the kind of source material Google cant find. One result has been a New York Times bestseller, Clinton Cash: The Untold Story of How and Why Foreign Governments and Businesses Helped Make Bill and Hillary Rich, written by GAIs president, Peter Schweizer and later turned into a film produced by Rebekah Mercer and Steve Bannon.

This, Bannon explained, is how you weaponise the narrative you want. With hard researched facts. With those, you can launch it straight on to the front page of the New York Times, as the story of Hillary Clintons cash did. Like Hillarys emails it turned the news agenda, and, most crucially, it diverted the attention of the news cycle. Another classic psyops approach. Strategic drowning of other messages.

This is a strategic, long-term and really quite brilliant play. In the 1990s, Bannon explained, conservative media couldnt take Bill Clinton down becausethey wound up talking to themselves in an echo chamber.

As, it turns out, the liberal media is now. We are scattered, separate, squabbling among ourselves and being picked off like targets in a shooting gallery. Increasingly, theres a sense that we are talking to ourselves. And whether its Mercers millions or other factors, Jonathan Albrights map of the news and information ecosystem shows how rightwing sites are dominating sites like YouTube and Google, bound tightly together by millions of links.

Is there a central intelligence to that, I ask Albright? There has to be. There has to be some type of coordination. You can see from looking at the map, from the architecture of the system, that this is not accidental. Its clearly being led by money and politics.

Theres been a lot of talk in the echo chamber about Bannon in the last few months, but its Mercer who provided the money to remake parts of the media landscape. And while Bannon understands the media, Mercer understands big data. He understands the structure of the internet. He knows how algorithms work.

Robert Mercer did not respond to a request for comment for this piece. NickPatterson, a British cryptographer, who worked at Renaissance Technologies in the 80s and is now a computational geneticist at MIT, described to me how he was the one who talent-spotted Mercer. There was an elite group working at IBM in the 1980s doing speech research, speech recognition, and when I joined Renaissance I judged that the mathematics we were trying to apply to financial markets were very similar.

Bannon scorns media in rare public appearance at CPAC

He describes Mercer as very, very conservative. He truly did not like the Clintons. He thought Bill Clinton was a criminal. And his basic politics, I think, was that hes a rightwing libertarian, he wants the government out of things.

He suspects that Mercer is bringing the brilliant computational skills he brought to finance to bear on another very different sphere. We make mathematical models of the financial markets which are probability models, and from those we try and make predictions. What I suspect Cambridge Analytica do is that they build probability models of how people vote. And then they look at what they can do to influence that.

Finding the edge is what quants do. They build quantitative models that automate the process of buying and selling shares and then they chase tiny gaps in knowledge to create huge wins. Renaissance Technologies was one of the first hedge funds to invest in AI. But what it does with it, how its been programmed to do it, is completely unknown. It is, Bloomberg reports, the blackest box in finance.

Johan Bollen, associate professor at Indiana University School of Informatics and Computing, tells me how he discovered one possible edge: hes done research that shows you can predict stock market moves from Twitter. You can measure public sentiment and then model it. Society is driven by emotions, which its always been difficult to measure, collectively. But there are now programmes that can read text and measure it and give us a window into those collective emotions.

The research caused a huge ripple among two different constituencies. We had a lot attention from hedge funds. They are looking for signals everywhere and this is a hugely interesting signal. My impression is hedge funds do have these algorithms that are scanning social feeds. The flash crashes weve had sudden huge drops in stock prices indicates these algorithms are being used at large scale. And they are engaged in something of an arms race.

The other people interested in Bollens work are those who want not only to measure public sentiment, but to change it. Bollens research shows how its possible. Could you reverse engineer the national, or even the global, mood? Model it, and then change it?

It does seem possible. And it does worry me. There are quite a few pieces of research that show if you repeat something often enough, people start involuntarily to believe it. And that could be leveraged, or weaponised for propaganda. We know there are thousands of automated bots out there that are trying to do just that.

THE war of the bots is one of the wilder and weirder aspects of the elections of 2016. At the Oxford Internet Institutes Unit for Computational Propaganda, its director, Phil Howard, and director of research, Sam Woolley, show me all the ways public opinion can be massaged and manipulated. But is there a smoking gun, I ask them, evidence of who is doing this? Theres not a smoking gun, says Howard. There are smoking machine guns. There are multiple pieces of evidence.

Look at this, he says and shows me how, before the US election, hundreds upon hundreds of websites were set up to blast out just a few links, articles that were all pro-Trump. This is being done by people who understand information structure, who are bulk buying domain names and then using automation to blast out a certain message. To make Trump look like hes a consensus.

And that requires money?

That requires organisation and money. And if you use enough of them, of bots and people, and cleverly link them together, you are whats legitimate. You are creating truth.

You can take an existing trending topic, such as fake news, and then weaponise it. You can turn it against the very media that uncovered it. Viewed in a certain light, fake news is a suicide bomb at the heart of our information system. Strapped to the live body of us the mainstream media.

One of the things that concerns Howard most is the hundreds of thousands of sleeper bots theyve found. Twitter accounts that have tweeted only once or twice and are now sitting quietly waiting for a trigger: some sort of crisis where they will rise up and come together to drown out all other sources of information.

Like zombies?

Like zombies.

Many of the techniques were refined in Russia, he says, and then exported everywhere else. You have these incredible propaganda tools developed in an authoritarian regime moving into a free market economy with a complete regulatory vacuum. What you get is a firestorm.

This is the world we enter every day, on our laptops and our smartphones. It has become a battleground where the ambitions of nation states and ideologues are being fought using us. We are the bounty: our social media feeds; our conversations; our hearts and minds. Our votes. Bots influence trending topics and trending topics have a powerful effect on algorithms, Woolley, explains, on Twitter, on Google, on Facebook. Know how to manipulate information structure and you can manipulate reality.

Were not quite in the alternative reality where the actual news has become FAKE news!!! But were almost there. Out on Twitter, the new transnational battleground for the future, someone I follow tweets a quote by Marshall McLuhan, the great information theorist of the 60s. World War III will be a guerrilla information war, it says. With no divisions between military and civilian participation.

By that definition were already there.

Additional reporting by Paul-Olivier Dehaye

Carole Cadwalladr will be hosting a discussion on technologys disruption of democracy at the bluedot festival, Jodrell Bank, Cheshire, 7-9 July