#i had to push back ANY short of other thinking because of smirot and
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Oh inside voice not letting me fall back to sleep and making me think things you were missedd
#it started back for like a singlr minute 2/3 days ago when i tried to take a shitty nap and i felt so fucked up i only had internal dialogue#for a single minute like no wanders the only thing i feel and think is the want to die my dude#i had to push back ANY short of other thinking because of smirot and#it's just not good not good my dude#and now i woke up hours too early tried to sleep and the usual planning was kind off back on for a sec#i was thinking og what to do how to improve how to this and that#and for a sec it felt so fucked up that instead of picturing me writing the text i would need to send to do the idea it just started to be#squiggly lines ~~√√√~π∆§ like a cartoon or sm and o heard whah whah whuh like Fuckin charlie Brown talk which is... distressing#but then it was kind of back on and yeah i already forgot everything i thought of and the (good) coping mechanism i figured out years ago#feels bad. it's been meaningless for months but i kept doing it because i knew what would happen if i stop#and then i stopped slowly and this is what happened. this with the words#i can't even care enough to finish a short cool thought about some Media#i just stop in the middle or start gibberish even if it's just for myself#so I'm definitely not back on and the problem i was head working on is with me for years soo like thinking n planning is easy#starting even because a real option from how many times i had to dragg myself to hell and make that start and keep going. but it was always#not enough to make the change i need. just enough to keep me the same which was bad but not worse and now it's 100% going on the worse 😀#so doing it every day every week i don't believe in me#but sitting doing nothing makes it worse and guhhh i need to stab that
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