#i had to physically stop myself bc its quiet hours at my apartment and i dont want someone to think im being murdered

[theygender]

Me: idk... maybe I don't want a hysterectomy. it seems like the recovery would really suck... maybe keeping my uterus... isn't as bad in comparison?

My uterus: aww, thank you 🥰🤗❤️✨

My uterus: THOUSAND LIGHTNING BOLTS BLAST

[marvinswriting]

Shoulder Devils

Prompt: five times Janis tried to fake okay and the one time she just couldn't OH MY GOD I LOVE 5+1S OFC (this was supposed to be posted next week but i got it written within a few hours and just wanted to post it now bc holy shit its 5+1 and janis angst, my two favorite things.)

The knot in her stomach felt wound up too tight, like it would tear her insides at any moment. 

Calm down, Janis, it's only the first day of school. The common sense part of her brain told her. 

But every other part of her was screaming a different story. 

It's your first day of high school after being homeschooled through the end of middle school. Nobody has seen you since you were plastic and you'll be totally alone during your tiny only classes.

She subconsciously gripped the shirt underneath her tighter. 

Janis was on Damian's shoulder as they walked to their first class of the day. 

She knew deep down she'd feel better if she vocalized her worries to Damian, that way an outside source could ease her stress, but Damian had his own worries. He was in charge of not only getting him but also Janis to their classes on time- spare her tiny periods.

Janis had unintentionally made him stressed more just by existing.

Now, that's a little dramatic. The common-sense voice in her head said. It eerily sounded like Damian. Quite fitting.

No, it's true. The other part of her brain said. This one sounded like herself. 

Janis felt like she had her own tiny people on her shoulders. Just these were devils and angles, not best friends. 

Damian stopped in front of a classroom.

"English, co-sized, room 148, period one."

Sure enough, they stood in front of room 148. Janis could see kids she recognized at their grade, no longer eight graders but now freshman. 

"This won't be middle school." Janis mumbled to herself, trying to be reassuring.

"What?" Damian asked as he stepped into the room.

"Nothing," Janis said, a bit to fast. "Just talking to myself."

So much for that no worrying Damian part. 

"Okay," Damian said slowly.

He doesn't believe you, you fucked up. Shoulder devil Janis taunted.

Damian sat in the front row of the class so Janis would be able to see the board.

"You're gonna do great today," Damian reassured her, like he could tell exactly what she needed to hear. "If you need me at all during the day, just text me, okay?"

Look, failure, you've got him all worried. Shoulder Janis mocked.

No, he's just looking out for you, like friends should. The reasonable Damian sounding subconscious said. 

"I'm fine, really." Janis said with a soft smile.

-

Janis was pro at keeping her freakouts internal. As a plastic, she learned it better to just keep her problems to herself, bottle them up till she's lying in bed at night and they explode, like a mento in cola. 

Damian didn't like the method of emotional management that Janis adapted, but old habits die hard. 

Janis knew Damian wouldn't tell her to shut up like Regina would.

But he'll still judge you. Shoulder Janis reminder her. They all judge you. 

So she kept her freakouts internal. 

Until one night. She was at Damian's house for a sleepover. For the longest time, Janis would sleep on a makeshift bed next to Damian's nightstand. It was safer that way. Even though both Damian and Janis knew when Damian fell asleep he slept like a rock and didn't move, it wasn't worth the risk.

Cuz you're small and fragile and nothing but a worry. Shoulder Janis said. The reassuring mind Damian was quiet. 

Nothing to say, because I'm right.

Janis looked over to Damian on his bed. He was lying on his back with his eyes closed, but Janis could tell he was still awake. She shifted slowly in the tiny bed, not wanting to worry Damian. 

He deserves better than to be worried by you.  The devil Janis sneered. 

Janis knew logically that these were her own thoughts, but it felt like somebody else was saying them to her, confirming everything she feared. She was just a burden who got in the way. An irritant to all. A hassle to Damian, who had to take her everywhere.

Just like that, the mento fell in the coca-cola.

She quickly brought her hand up to her mouth to cover a cry. She didn't want to disrupt Damian. Not while he was still awake. She could fall apart when he was asleep. 

Her shoulders shook as silent tears slipped down her face. Janis wiped them away briskly. 

"Janis?"

Damian was sitting up in bed, looking at her small girl. 

Even though the dark room, Janis could feel his eyes on her.

"I'm fine." She said abruptly. Her defensive tone cueing that she was in fact, not fine.

You fucked that one up.

Janis rubbed at the ghost tears on her face, pressing the heels of her palms into her eyes. 

Damian reached forward and scooped her up gingerly, his fingers wrapping around her gently as he laid back down on his side. He held Janis to his chest, like a kid holds a teddy bear. He didn't say anything or question her, just held her close. 

"I am fine, y' know" She said, but Janis gripped onto Damian's shirt despite herself, listening to Damian's heartbeat as they both fell asleep.

-

Janis? Where are you?

Janis glanced down at her phone. She was supposed to be meeting Damian at the tiny pick up zone, but instead, she was hiding in an empty classroom trying not to have a panic attack.

Nurse.

Janis typed back quickly, no point in telling the truth and getting Damian all worried.

Sorry if I made you wait too long and you're late to class.

You okay?

Yeah, im tits. dw about me

She placed her phone down, leaning against the cool concrete wall of the classroom. Damian would be heavily annoyed if she asked for help every time she felt this way.

He probably feels heavily annoyed with you no matter what. The inner Janis taunted.

"Right."

-

Janis knew Damian could tell she was upset. Janis also knew he wasn't gonna push her to talk about or bring it up first. And on top of all this knowledge, Janis knew she was in no way gonna vocalize her feelings. 

Sucks for her.

They were sitting in class, and Janis was trying to face forward and do her work, but her mind went anywhere other than algebra. 

She could feel Damian staring at her, but she refused to turn around a make eye contact. Janis did a shit job at hiding her emotions that morning, but she wasn't the type to admit when she was wrong.  Especially not after saying she was fine so many times earlier. 

Even though all she wanted to do was sleep in Damian's pocket until she had to go home, then sleep some more, she knew she just needs to push through the day under everyone's radar.

Because she was fine.

Yup, sure you are. Shoulder Janis was back, and as annoying as ever.

-

Janis was pretty sure her 'shoulder angle Damian' was just her brain spitting out anything positive Damian had ever said to her back out at her. 

Because it all sounded very familiar.  

But it all also got drowned out by the shoulder devil Janis, who was loud and mean and most importantly, she was right.

Anything shoulder Damian said, shoulder Janis had a counter that made more logical sense.

Does Damian actually like you?

Of course, he does, he's your friend! Why else would he carry you around all the time and care so much?

Pitty.

That one word made Janis's head spin because it made so much sense. 

Poor space dyke. Outed in front of her whole class in middle school. A tiny who can't do jack shit by herself. Who wouldn't feel bad?

"Janis?" She was sitting on Damian's shoulder as they (no- Damian) walked to lunch. She hadn't noticed they'd arrive because she was so lost in thought.

"I'm fine." She said.

-

"I can't spend every second with you, its not my fault you're like in love with me."

They were at the Hubbard's. Cady was long gone. But her words still echoed. 

Damian was holding Janis to his chest, one hand underneath her, the other gently pressing her there. 

Janis wasn't crying. She told herself she wouldn't cry over something like this again. 

But crying or not, she felt sick. Like Cady physically ripped out her heart and stomped on it.

"Janis?" Damian asked, his voice vibrating through her small body.

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not." Damian says. For once he doesn't ignore it or move along.

"You're allowed to be hurting, you're allowed to not be okay. I'll still be here with an okay Janis and a not okay Janis because you are my best friend and I love you. I know I can't make the hurt go away but I want to help and I can't do that if you shut me out and say you're fine"

It sounded like something shoulder Damian had said so many times, but hearing the real Damian say it, it drowned out the shoulder Janis, and suddenly, Janis wasn't fine. But that was okay.

Damian didn't move or interrupt her as she cried, blubbering about everyone thinking she's a stupid lesbian.  

Damian didn't leave like Cady did, or judge her like Regina did.

Because he wasn't Cady or Regina.

He was Damian.

Janis felt bad for lying to him this whole time. 

Of course, Damian wouldn't leave her, or make fun of her, or take pity on her.

Damian hung out with her because he loved her, and Janis didn't need any small shoulder people to tell her that.

Tag list: @musicallygt @realmisspolarbear @smallsoysauce @sourishlemons

[okaybutlikeimagine]

Susan scolding Billy for something and maybe says something in the heat of the moment like ”this is why your dad treat you like this” and Billy says that Neil is not his father. But Billy also feels that its his fault he blames himself for getting beaten. And he runhome to hop and collapse in his arm and stays there for a long time as hop comforts him

Ohmydearme okay i dunno if this is what you were thinking of but i got real angsty thinking about this and made myself wanna cry bc like??

{TW: implied homophobia, implied abuse}

Let’s collectively think about Billy at the grocery store (bc i don’t think i’ll ever get sick of thinking of Billy doing little mundane tasks like grocery shopping) to pick up some random things like milk and a box of pasta or something, when he turns down the dairy aisle and locks eyes w/ a red haired woman he hasn’t seen in months standing at the other end of the walkway.

Susan.

And Billy leaves the aisle immediately bc he’s not about to deal w/ this shit. He doesn’t want to see her and he doesn’t want to handle it. But she fucking follows him, no matter where he’s going she’s peering around corners and looking at him w/ her tired eyes and he’s just gonna leave at this point when she finally bumps into him.

“Oh! Billy! What a surprise. I’m actually glad to run into you.” She says, clearly nervous as she fixes her cardigan absent-mindedly.

Bullshit. You fucking forced this.

“Sorry, can’t say the same.” Billy says with that charming smirk he gives to all of the middle aged mothers in Hawkins, except this one is laced with poison and is aimed at someone who is most definitely immune to it.

“Come on now, Billy.” Susan’s eyebrows are furrowed, her eyes disapproving but still semi-fearful. Her eyes are always fearful. “I just wanted to talk to you about something.”

And Billy is standing there basically stranded with a row of cheeses on one side and ice cream on the other and this woman in front of him so he just sits in his hip and looks at her expectantly.

She clears her throat.

“I just… wanted to talk to you. Because… well… there’s no real easy way to say this, is there?”

She seems nervous. For a second Billy thinks this is going to turn into something about Neil. A million reasons why this woman would want to talk to him run through his head all at once. They all scare him, until he comes to find this isn’t about anything he was thinking of.

“It’s just, my friends have been telling me that they’ve been… seeing you with a boy. Pretty frequently. Sometimes they say you get rather close to him and… well they’re starting to question my parenting because they know I’ve been your mother for-”

“You’re not my mother.” Billy grinds out and it seems to take Susan aback.

“I- I… well yes, of course not. Of course not.” Her voice is quiet as she says it.

She looks at Billy with that same hint of fear in her eyes. Billy’s stare is stone. Susan continues.

“I just had to tell you that it’s all getting so… well so embarrassing, honestly.”

“Embarrassing?” Billy’s arms are crossed, jaw tight, eyes fixed.

“Yes. You’ve put me in an incredibly embarrassing situation. And I can only think of how embarrassing it must be for Maxine, too.”

Billy’s seeing more red than just Susan’s hair.

“Well Susan, I have good news for you. You’re out of my life now and what I do with the local boys is none of your fucking concern.” He’s smiling something poisonous and harsh that Susan would normally shrink at, and she does for a second, before she puffs herself up.

“That’s absolutely no way for you to speak to me, young man.”

Billy’s going to throw fists at the mozzarella balls next to him. He takes a heavy breath. Susan looks like she’s about to step on a real high fucking horse.

“I just had to tell you that people are starting to talk. They say you... you might be… that thing that your father always said you were.” She’s shaking her head, looking anywhere but Billy for a second. “I’m just showing concern for you, is all. I don’t understand this hostility-”

“Well I can explain it to you. It’s because this is none of your fucking concern. I left for a goddamn reason.”

“Billy, really-”

But Billy isn’t done. He takes a step forward, looking down on her with a stare to melt ice, his gaze completely blinded by the warm rage clouding his mind because he’s fucking pissed and his whole body is shaking and his hands are slowly morphing fists and then he’s growling:

“And it wasn’t to listen to shitty warnings about what your hive-mind, hope-to-be-divorcee friends think of me. I don’t fucking care, so kindly stop talking to me and go grab your low fat cream cheese and your copy of Cosmo and cry yourself to sleep about how your husband doesn’t touch you enough.”

His mind is completely fogged up and racing and it’s not until he’s done talking that he starts to see again. Starts to cool down enough to even register Susan’s face in front of him and it’s one of pure submissive fear. Something he thinks he’s felt before, just by looking at it. Susan has always had fear in her eyes, has never stood up for herself, and Billy is so sure this is going to be another instance bc nothing in his experience has ever proved otherwise. But suddenly her gaze hardens over and she starts breathing harder and she’s huffing like a fucking chain smoker before she says, with venom in her gaze:

“I used to question it, but really it’s no wonder that your father treated you the way he did.”

And in a split-second, Billy’s world freezes over. He’s been stuck with shot of ice. He’s completely frozen solid as he watches Susan’s face once again slip into that fearful submission. He thinks maybe she’s going to be as meek and timid as she always is. It was just a blip and she’s about to start apologizing profusely, like she always does when she makes somebody upset.

But no.

No, she hardens up. She straightens her back. She looks Billy dead in the eye. This is the rock she’s chosen to stand on. This is the comment she’s decided to stick up for. This is the side she’s chosen. It’s this. And it’s against Billy. It’s saying Billy deserved everything she’s seen Neil do to him.

It’s getting hard to see again, but this time it’s blurry instead of red.

“That man is not my fucking father.” is all Billy can muster up.

They stare at each other for a good few seconds before Susan looks to the people who are slowing down near them. Ever concerned about her public image.

“I think you should go now.” She says like she fucking owns the store, like he’s not fucking welcome in this public grocery store.

He wants to fight. Wants to scream and kick and punch and just break something. But he turns on his heels and he leaves with what feels like a storm of emotions trailing him out and he drives back home in a rush of blurry red that honestly inhibits his driving more than alcohol does most times and he’s walking into the cabin and slamming the door behind him and Hop is standing in the kitchen with a mug of something and confused concern in his eyes and a question of: “Billy? What’s wrong?” on his lips and Billy is falling apart.

Unraveling and spiralling and falling falling falling because he sees Neil every time he closes his eyes. He sees that red face and that mouth full of spit and those eyes full of fire at every little thing and he hears himself. Hears what he just said to Susan not 10 minutes ago. Those horrible things that he knows were horrible but he still said them because he’s just looking for attention, just isn’t disciplined enough, needs to learn respect and responsibility and the consequences to his actions.

His vision is too blurry to see anything but angry and red and puffing Neil, looming above him and knocking him down and his knees can’t physically hold him anymore because he’s unraveling, thread by thread unraveling so fast that he falls and lands on something hard but soft, surrounding his torso because he didn’t fall down, he’s fallen into something and it’s rumbling something low and quiet and-

“Billy? Billy, let’s sit down, okay?”

And once he’s seated he realizes it’s Hop. It’s Jim. and the rage is inside of him because fuck he can’t fucking get rid of it, some days it feels like it just fucking lives there and he’s gathering the fabric of Jim’s shirt up in his fists hard and he’s burrowing his face into Jim’s chest and he’s just sobbing. Everything inside of him bubbling out like a soda bottle and the world is black yet blurry and red with that spit filled mouth of anger and he just feels so weak. Weak from crying, weak for crying, weak in his mind and his body and he just stays there. They stay there. For what feels like too long to be real, they stay there.

And Hop holds Billy until he feels the boy’s shoulders relax. Until the grip on his shirt is free. Until he stops hearing the mumbled ramblings of I deserved it I deserved it I deserved it being spoken against his chest.

He asks Billy if he wants to talk about it because he’s learning about this stuff as he goes and he knows sometimes Billy can’t talk. Billy shakes his head no.

They listen to a record and drink some hot chocolate and Billy stops shaking about half an hour before El comes home from hanging out with her friends. She immediately notices his red eyes and his runny nose and asks Billy if he wants to borrow one of her stuffed animals as a sleep buddy. He thanks her and lets her hug him before he heads to bed. Sends Hop a quiet “goodnight” and the smallest smile imaginable before he climbs under his covers. But he doesn’t shake through the night and actually gets some sleep and that’s enough to feel like an accomplishment right now.