#i had to have one of my friends walk me out with her fucking jscket over my head
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head in hands
#i am not going to have a breakdown over this this is the dumbest fucking think to get upset about#this is so fucking stupid this is so dumb i hate this so much#i dont fucking care its in the past it happened its over its whatever#but also i should be allowed to mourn that without feeling like a fucking waste of space and time#goddddddddd#nobody has ever held my hand#i once had to hide in the girls locker room in high school bc a junior was following me around#trying to get me to let him drive me back to his place for the night#i broke down fucking sobbing in a bathroom stall bc my dad was out in thr parking lot but i couldnt get to him because#i couldnt leave the bathroom#i had to have one of my friends walk me out with her fucking jscket over my head#and looking back on it that was such a stupid thing to do but when i got in the car i didnt tell my dad about it bc at that point#i had already been. under the influence of horrible abuse for. 4 years and the idea was ingrained into my head that#asking for help was bad and made me weak and i wasnt allowed to have boundaries because that just makes me an inconvenience to everyone#i even. texted her to come help and her response was#what are you even worried youre freakinf out over nothing hes kinda hot you should just go with him#and that's. literally rhe closest thing ive ever had to someone openly showing they were interested in me#yhe first time i tried to express that first the guy acted like he was disgusted that i had the audacity to even talk to him#it was like he caught a disease just by talkk g to me#and he asked me out as a joke after that and when i got excited and said yes the entire fucking.#table burst iut laughing bc they were all in on it and i wasnt#the second time i tried to express it i was called a quote unquote disgusting lesbian and. f** and. other shit that i dont want to thinkabt#i cant even. type that word i hate it so mucj#the evidence is stacked against me thst i dont deserve to be loved but even fucking so. i still#try. i still try. i still try even though it takes everything out of me but i have to keep trying because if i dont nobody will and then#whats even the point. i have to make people feel loved so that i might someday under some. miracle or something.#also deserve a liytle bit of love in return#im. waxing poetic now i am aware how stupid this sounds but i am trying very hard not to have a fucking meltdown rn
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