#i had to hang out w the woman who traumatised me the most for like 3 weeks. still recovering

[djs-horny-blog-lmao]

sorry ive been super dead again team ive been a) super busy 2) suber burnt out and thirdly) have like 3 deadlines due 31st May/1st June

im a little bit dying and haven'tbeen able to write porn in like. a month. or two. i wrote one but it's kind of an OC thing so idk if u'd like it

[fuckimtryin-blog]

so

you know that trope where the Chosen One has to go find their mentor, but their mentor is actually an old drunk (who is super traumatised but the narrative isn’t going to go into that much except for a lil bit of Manpain) and is all gruff and cynical and refuses to help

only the mentor is convinced by the pureness of the Chosen One’s heart into helping

well that

but

the prospective mentor (who is a lady because fuck the patriarchy women get to be unlikable bitter alcoholic old soldiers too) takes one look at the Chosen One

and goes Fuck No

and of course the Chosen One and his entourage goes 'oh she’s just bitter and disillusioned we’ll bring her round with the power of hope', because that’s how Chosen Ones work. only after the Chosen One makes his impassioned speech on how great the Good Old Days with the Wise and Benevolent Order of Knights keeping the kingdom Peaceful and Prosperous before they were purged by the Evil King

this bitter, lewd old alcoholic woman goes 'kid, sit the fuck down'

'i actually fought for those guys. i was one of their best soldiers/their original Chosen One. and do you know how old i was when they shoved me on a battlefield and forced me to fight and kill?'

’12. 12 years old'

and it turns out that the bitterness is, yeah, directed at the Evil King who killed all those people, but it’s mostly directed at the Wise and Benevolent Order. at the powerful and venerated adults who saw this kid bubbling over with magic, full of potential, and essentially turned her into a child soldier

and yeah, the evil must be defeated, she fucking gets that, but why the fuck should she do it?? has she not fought enough? has she not suffered enough? the amount of terrible things she’s seen and done, how often she looks back over the teachings of her masters and goes, yeah, that was some grooming, there was some creepy ass manipulative shit going on there, you do not say these things to A FUCKING CHILD (bc her training would have started in earnest at 7 FUCKING YEARS OF AGE) for any good reason

no, not even if lives are at stake. no, not even if she could save and help people

and it’s taken her so long to realise, actually no, that was so fucked up

and she doesn’t really have anyone to turn to because the people who won’t get her executed for being a Wise and Benevolent Knight are the people who would never, ever believe that the Wise and Benevolent Order could ever do something so wrong. or worse, would justify it to her and say the same goddamn shit she’s been trying to fight against for so

fucking

long

and so on one level she DOES NOT FUCKIGN APPRECIATE this snot nosed naive brat trying to explain to her how actually the group of people who ruined her life - and, lbr, basically handed the kingdom to the Evil King thanks to their own hubris and flawed thinking - are actually Noble and she must Fight In Their Name and Remember Who She Really Is

but on another

well

this is a kid

(gonna put the new chosen one at 16)

and she looks at this child, who has been so sheltered, filled to the brim with propaganda and righteous fury and sent into the fire by adults who should know so much better, sent to fight an enemy he cannot hope to defeat, sent into war and bloodshed and pain to give his life and his childhood for the cause, and she thinks

oh gods

not again

please dont make me see this again

(lets say that while he’s 16 at this point, the chosen one has been trained (read groomed) since he was very young. possibly he was Born Into A Bloodline or something which gave the order of Wise and Benevolent Knights In Hiding access to him at birth)

and she cant help but see him and see herself, so young and so sure and so very very manipulated, 13 years old and calling a storm down onto the battlefield and watching it tear people to shreds, blood streaming from her nose and screams ringing in her ears

and now she has to make a choice

because the Evil King is genuinely fucking evil and people are suffering and dying. and this boy could help. could stop it all. he’s strong, and capable, and powerful, and he’s been training all his life, and he is after all the Chosen One

but is it worth it? could it ever be right to buy back a kingdom with a child's soul? can she do it? can she see it done? and if she cant then what can she do?

and why

why

is it up to her?

 ~~~

 basically this, if it ever is a thing, is gonna be a smush of various high fantasy things, with quite a lot of star wars thrown in, because i have been reading some excellent meta/aus of the pt and yes i am bitter

it’s gonna take all the tropes about Destiny and Wise and Benevolent Orders and Chosen Ones

and rip them the fuck apart

and it’s gonna talk about child soldiers and spiritual abuse and why you dont romanticise the good old days

and trauma and healing and not being able to heal because fuck it, you’re still so fucking angry and you have no one left to take it out on because everyone who hurt you is dead

'yeah, but, Wise Mentor, the Evil King isn’t!!'

not the point. the Evil King wasn’t the one who did this to her. the Evil King is evil, maybe, but fuck it at least he swishes around in big flowy robes and has a sinister castle and tortures people and shit, and everyone knows he’s an evil fuck

whereas no one ever seems to understand that the people who did this to her were defenders of justice, and protectors of the weak, and, here’s the kicker, genuinely thought they were doing the right thing. like the though 'we are grooming a child solider' just….didn’t occur. they were good, respected, venerated, and they turned her into a weapon and let her loose and she still wakes up to the smell of charred skin

 ~~

 a part of me kind of wants her to just be like, fuck it. you know what okay lets kill the Evil King

because having been raised to be a weapon her ability to ignore her conscience and just push the fuck through is, kind of terrifying. and while she hates what she’s doing, she can totally still do it. and she hates it and she hates herself and so she closes off the terrible pain and she continues the cycle and

and

the kid doesn’t die. the kid wins and assumes the throne to rule over the kingdom and restore it to peace and prosperity (and, of course, to reinstate the Wise and Benevolent Order)

to all intents and purposes he’s Victorious and Triumphant and ready to rebuild the kingdom, but she sees behind his eyes. she knows him because she was him, and she knows that she sold his soul to destiny to save a kingdom.

and that she hasn’t actually saved shit because she’s just done the same goddamn thing that was done to her, how could anything have really changed? and she can see it, as the fragments of the W&BO come out of hiding to rebuild the organisation in exactly the same fucking way, and the new king makes mistake after mistake because he’s spent his whole life being told The Old World Was Perfect And Shining And Everything Was Great. and of course no one stops him because Chosen One and because, hell, he’s young and he’s fucking everything up but at least there’s no more torture! total step up!

(as could probably be expected, a traumatised child king who doesn’t even know he’s traumatised is not the best or most stable of supreme rulers)

and eventually the mentor has to run away and drink herself to death, and hope that one day someone will be smarter and kinder and less fucked up that her can actually make things better. and really, why the hell was it her responsibility? why should she have to save a fucking kingdom, she can’t even save herself

and she certainly couldn’t save him

 ~~~

 or

we could have her go

you know what? fuck this. fuck it. fuck destiny. fuck the prophecy. fuck everyone who has ever told you that you have no purpose but to fight for a cause, you were a fucking kid, you were never given a choice, this is Evil.

so were gonna take down the fucking king, but you are not gonna do it

and yes, i know you’re a big boy and you’ve been training all your life and you’re super fucking capable, that’s not the fucking point.

the point is u never should have been capable of this

so she gets a band together and starts sending out feelers to all the secret resistance groups, completely ignoring the council of W&BO survivors who thought child soldiers were totally the way to go on this, oh and by the way imma steal your Chosen One

because I need a figurehead behind which organises a full scale fucking rebellion

bc fuck The Chosen One Will Save Us, the people will fucking save themselves. and they will cast down the Evil President King and they will make their world a better place, and oh yeah, so a lot of people think that if the king/W&BO hadn’t done This This and This and maybe we’d had some goddamn democracy, the Evil King wouldn’t have won?

and obviously the kid hates her for stealing away his destiny and side-lining him from his own story, bt she just takes him aside and says, one day, you will understand. one day, you will thank me.

and then she oversees the building of a government and the foundation of a new democracy and the creation of a fairer and better state, and she makes a deposition before this new government and finally lays out exactly what happened to their little chosen one all those years ago. and some people are horrified and other people realise, oh god, this is horrifying, why did we never grok that this is horrifying, what the fucking fuck, Wise and Benevolent Order???

and then she leaves the kingdom, because she’s sensible enough to know that while she can fight a war with the best of them, she will never be near stable enough to make the sort of government that this land needs. besides, organisations of lots of people who think they’re doing the right thing make her twitchy and why the fuck do you think that is??

and so she goes and finds a nice cottage on the outskirts of a nice city and raises borzois and gets a shit ton of therapy

after about 5 years, the former Chosen One shows up, and she’s like, hang on fucko, you’re meant to be helping with the creation of a new state. and he goes, yeah, tried that, did all I could, now i…..sort of don’t know what to do?? and you’re the only person who might understand?? help?????

he doesn’t quite realise why he’s there, but a part of him recognises a kindred spirit and, well

he always imagined that after he won and defeated the evil king he would be, well. the Chosen One/ the hero. the saviour

but no, he was persuaded to be like a figurehead to organise the rebellion, and of course he now gets that that was pretty noble and shit only. he feels like he didn’t actually fulfil his destiny and now people are expecting him to do things he was never trained to do and now he doesn’t know what the fuck to do with the rest of his life which he still somehow has

(because, if he’s being totally honest, he fully expected to perform a Heroic Sacrifice and die honourably in battle, possibly while slaying the Evil King)

and the mentor puts him up in the barn and goes to see her therapist and does some talking and then looks around her little home and thinks. because before this there was the rebellion and before that there was a hovel in some dark and awful city and before that there was the war and before that there was the temple and before that she has no idea but it was Bad. and she thinks, what did I miss? and then she thinks, what can I still get out of the life I have left?

so they give the borzois to one of her neighbours (apart from one semi-puppy who Bonded with the Chosen One and who she couldn’t’ get rid of if she tried (she isn’t even trying)), then they fuck off, and have adventures, and meet people and do crazy stupid things and save lives and learn things about themselves and each other

and the mentor learns to reclaim her powers for herself, to change her body and her abilities into something that isn’t a weapon and isn’t a liability and isn’t a reminder of all that was done to her but is, instead, hers

and along the way the chosen one has a bit of a think, and maybe a bit of therapy too, and realises

wait

that was

a bit fucked up wasn’t it

the mentor puts her head on the table and sighs in exasperation and relief, and then laughs her fucking head off in sheer giddy pleasure that yes, most of her life was destroyed or wasted and she never got a chance to be who she wanted to be, but

but she’s saved a kingdom, on her own terms, and she has, unbelievably, managed to save this boy. and she is not watching her own life again. she is watching what should have happened to her

and yes it fucking Hurts sometimes that he gets to heal and everything and she can’t, because she is still a bit of a bitter old fuck, but still

still

that’s something, isn’t it

[jenmedsbookreviews]

My last evening in Northumberland I went for a walk. Thought it might be nice to get a few last minute pictures just before sunset. I pass a field of cows. They stare at me, quite possibly wondering why this sad old lady keep wandering past their field, but I chose to interpret this as them wanting their picture taken.

I stopped and took a photo of the cow who was hanging about staring the most. Soon it seems others want in. Next I have a whole bunch of them lining up and posing. Then, when I decide to do a group shot, I’m already to press the shutter button when the one at the back decides I don’t have her best side. The result … Well see for yourself.

Photobombing cows … Just when you thought you’d seen it all. I thought this picture of Bamburgh castle with a photobombing puffin was cool but these cows just made me hoot.

I could honestly share about a couple of hundred photos with you of my last week in Northumberland as I have had such a great time. We went to Chillingham Castle, reportedly the most haunted castle in England; went for a walk with wild cattle; spent time wandering the streets and town walls in Berwick where I don’t think we have ever seen so many swans – well over sixty lurking; spent a day on the Holy Island of Lindisfarne, visiting the castle and priory and going on a nice long walk around the island; went for a cruise around the Farne Islands where I saw puffins and seals, followed by a big fish (jumbo sausage) supper and an afternoon at Bamburgh Castle and town. Even Hector didn’t keep us down and we managed to sneak in Alnwick Castle and Gardens and Barter books on Thursday afternoon before spending our last full day exploring Cragside and making one last morning trip to Holy Island, before heading home via The Angel of the North. Only managed to clock up 54 miles walking though. Poor effort.

And yes … this is me relaxing.

All of this however means I haven’t don’t much booking this past week. It hasn’t been completely book free but nowhere near my typical standards.

I might have taken advantage of a cracking offer on Craig Robertson’s books which were all 99p and bought myself the missing parts of my set by way of Random, The Last Refuge, In Place of Death, Snapshot and Witness the Dead. And, because I have all the others and I like a full set, I purchased the last Ransome book by Rachel Schurig, The Ransome Brothers.

I received a couple of bits of book post while I was away. Firstly a copy of Where the Missing Go by Emma Rowley, and also Seven Bridges, the latest DCI Ryan mystery from LJ Ross, which is quite apt given I have just spent a week in Ryan country and managed to tick of several of the books locations while away – Holy Island (Holy Island – obvs), Bamburgh Castle (Heavenfield), Cragside (Cragside – also obvs) and The Angel of the North (Angel). Thankfully we found no cults lurking (to our knowledge) on Holy Island although with that funky white pyramid (day marker) on the edge of the island, anything is possible …

No new Netgalley – no bad thing. Did purchase some more Bloody Scotland tickets though so just the rest of Sunday to decide upon now. Tidy.

Books I have read

Shores of Death – Peter Ritchie

Grace Macallan is at breaking point. All around her, events threaten to run out of control – and a new investigation is testing her to the limit. 

An undercover officer is missing and a woman is washed up, traumatised and barely alive, on the shores of Berwickshire. She has witnessed horror on the dark waters of the North Sea, but survival turns her life from a bad dream into a nightmare. 

As she untangles the woman’s story, Grace is drawn into a cold-blooded criminal world. At its head is Pete Handyside, a notorious gangland boss who will fight hard and dirty to control his brutal empire and keep the money flowing. 

But a traitor in his midst is intent upon betrayal – a betrayal that triggers an uncontrollable wave of violence. As she hones in on crucial evidence, Grace knows that one wrong move could end in tragedy.

I will be sharing my review of the latest Grace Macallan thriller later this week but the story is set around the world of gangs and human trafficking and sees Grace tracking killers all over Scotland and as far afield as Newcastle in a bid to bring justice. A great addition to the series, you can buy a copy here.

…

The Chosen Ones – Howard Linskey

Eva Dunbar wakes in a large metal box.

She has no idea who has taken her.

She has no way out.

She isn’t the first young woman to disappear.

And with no leads Detective Ian Bradshaw has precious little time.

When at last a body is found, the police hope the tragic discovery might at least provide a clue that will help them finally find the kidnapper.

But then they identify the body – and realise the case is more twisted than they ever imagined . . .

Continuing on my Northumbria themed post, I picked the right week to read this one didn’t I? The Chosen Ones sees Detective Ian Bradshaw and his journalist friends Tom Carney and Helen Norton investigating the disappearance of five young women from all over Northumbria. Gripping and sometimes claustrophobic I’ll be sharing my thoughts as part of the blog tour later this week but this did have me on edge, the action uncomfortably close to my lodgings… Thank heavens it is set in the late nineties or a girl could get paranoid. You can buy your own copy here.

…

Behind the Wire – Rachel Amphlett

Dan Taylor is trying to keep a low profile when an old friend contacts the Energy Protection Group seeking his help.

The man’s daughter is alone in sub-Saharan Africa, and her life is in grave danger.

Thrust back into active duty, Dan soon realises that getting Anna to safety is only half his problem. The forensic accountant holds the key to preventing Western Sahara descending into chaos, and exposing the puppet masters behind a coup d’état.

With a group of militants financed by a regime intent on acquiring mineral assets in the conflict-torn country in pursuit and willing to do anything to stop him, Dan must draw on old survival skills and luck to make sure Anna and the evidence she has in her possession reaches safety. 

Behind the wire lies a secret – a secret that people will kill to protect…

I have been putting it off and putting it off, knowing that this is the last Dan Taylor book currently written but the call was too strong and, with the perfect travel time home from my holiday, I listened to the audio book. Gripping and explosive as ever, Dan is back under the kosh and I loved it. My review will be published soon but do go and buy your own copy here. Now leave me alone as I am very sad … No more Dan 😦

…

The blog was busy all week in spite of my travels. Good planning, I know. Here is a recap.

The Cornish Village School: Breaking the Rules by Kitty Wilson

Follow Me Home by DK Hood

The Blood Road by Stuart MacBride

The Reckoning by Yrsa Sigurdardottir

Extract – The Tall Man by Phoebe Locke

Guest Post: Perfect Dead by Jackie Baldwin

This week is another busy one – making up for lost time, and yes – still cutting back. Mandie and I will be on tours for the following over the week –

Monday – First to Die by Alex Caan; Wednesday – Death in the Woods by Bernie Steadman; Thursday – Shores of Death by Peter Ritchie & Where the Missing Go by Emma Rowley; Friday – Toxic by Jacqui Rose & The Almost Wife by Jade Beer;  Saturday – The Date by Louise Jensen and Sunday –  The Chosen Ones by Howard Linskey.

Right – sadly I have to go and get ready for work. My punishment for taking a week off will be to plow thought hundreds of emails in a bid to get them below 2000 in my inbox. Wish me luck.

Have a fabulously book filled week all.

Jen

Rewind, recap: Weekly update w/e 17/06/18 My last evening in Northumberland I went for a walk. Thought it might be nice to get a few last minute pictures just before sunset.