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astrolook · 20 days ago

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💥Saturn Rx: Becoming Who You Were Always Meant To Be (The Hard Way) 💥

Note: These are my personal observations over the years from studying and intuitively feeling into Saturn Retrograde energy in the houses. Take what resonates and gently leave the rest. Feel free to drop your own experiences or reflections in the comments.

Fire Signs (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius) - You wanna do everything now but life keeps saying “not yet.” Your confidence took a few L’s before it started hitting. You might try to be bold, but overthinks it halfway through. Feeling blocked is your daily mood.

Air Signs (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius) - You’ve got big brain energy but second-guess everything. Talking is easy but being understood is a whole journey. Social stuff can feel like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube blindfolded. You are low-key sensitive.

Water Signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces) - You feel a lot but doesn't know what to do with them. Your feelings hit like tidal waves but you keep trying to hold 'em in a teacup. You care too much, then pretend you don’t. Saturn Rx makes you feel like your softness needs armor. You're either hyper-emotional or emotionally ghosting yourself.

Earth Signs (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn) - You’re out here tryna be responsible but always feel like you’re behind. You act chill but secretly stress over your 10-year plan. You can’t stop grinding, even when you’re burnt out.

Saturn Rx in the Houses:

Saturn Rx in 1st - You were born with a tiny adult living in your head judging your every move. Your confidence should be built from scratch with scraps. You’re super self-aware, but sometimes it crosses into lowkey self-doubt. People think you’ve got it all handled, but internally you’re like, “Am I even doing this right?” You might feel older than your years or like you’ve been in “survival mode” your whole life. There’s a pressure to hold it all together, to not show weakness, to be “in control” of your identity at all times.

Saturn Rx in 2nd - It's like growing up feeling broke even if you weren’t. Money stuff feels weird as either you're super strict with it or avoid it completely. You probably grew up feeling like comfort or luxury had to be earned with suffering. You might hoard stuff or money because there's this fear it’ll run out. Receiving can feel harder than giving, and even when you do get something good, you might brace for it to disappear. People might say you’re “practical” or “minimalist,” but a lot of that comes from fear of loss, of not being supported, of being judged for wanting more.

Saturn Rx in 3rd - It feels like having a million thoughts but second-guessing all of them before they leave your mouth. You wanna say something, but your brain hits you with “is this dumb tho?” mid-sentence. You’ve probably replayed awkward convos from five years ago like they just happened. Growing up, expressing yourself might’ve felt like walking on eggshells, or like no one actually heard you. You might talk less than you want to, or over-explain everything to seem “clear.” Texting back takes forever because you’re rewriting it five times.

Saturn Rx in 4th - Home was a place you didn’t totally relax in, even if nothing was “wrong.” You probably kept stuff to yourself because opening up felt unsafe or pointless. Family might’ve been distant, overly strict, or just not emotionally available like you needed. Nostalgia hits weird as either you feel weirdly disconnected from your past or super heavy about it. You overthink your roots, your sense of belonging, where you “fit.” People talk about “feeling at home” and here you’re still trying to figure out what that even means.

Saturn Rx in 5th - You want to express yourself but lowkey worries that you’ll look dumb. You might hold back creatively or not share your ideas 'cause you think they’re not good enough. You’ve got passion, but it’s buried under layers of “am I allowed to enjoy this?” Flirting is awkward and dating is exhausting or non-existent. You might feel awkward trying to be playful, like joy has to be earned or justified. People think you’re reserved or serious, but really you’re just scared of looking foolish.

Saturn Rx in 6th - Routines are either super strict or completely nonexistent, no in-between. You might have this constant inner voice micromanaging everything like how you eat, work, sleep, take care of yourself and it’s exhausting. Health stuff? You overthink every weird body feeling but also ignore your needs half the time. No real satisfaction. Chronic self-criticism is real as you notice every little flaw in how you look, work, live, or function. Jobs/studies can feel like a trap, or like you're stuck in roles that don’t fully match who you are. you're either overcommitting or secretly fantasizing about quitting it all. You probably don’t ask for help, and even when you need it, you convince yourself that you should be able to handle it alone.

Saturn Rx in 7th - Relationships are weirdly hard, even when you want them. You crave deep connection but you don’t fully trust it when it shows up. Getting close to people makes you nervous, like you’re constantly waiting for them to leave or mess it up. You might hold back your real feelings or take forever to open up. You are scared of choosing the wrong person as it's possible that you might not have had good examples of healthy partnerships growing up. So, being close to someone feels risky, even when you want it more than anything.

Saturn Rx in 8th - You are carrying a whole emotional vault inside you that barely anyone gets access to. There’s a fear of being vulnerable, like if someone really saw you, they’d either leave or use it against you. You might have complicated feelings around sex, power, control, or even money that’s shared with others like you're never fully safe letting go. Loss or betrayal may have happened early, or you were forced to grow up fast around heavy stuff. Emotional closeness feels intense, and part of you wants it, but another part always stays slightly guarded like you’re waiting for something to go wrong.

Saturn Rx in 9th - Growing up, you could’ve felt restricted around exploring whether that was travel, education, or even just asking deeper questions. So you learned to keep your curiosity quiet even when it’s loud in your head. Maybe you grew up being told exactly what to believe, or maybe you weren’t told anything at all and had to figure it out on your own. Higher education or travel might’ve felt delayed, limited, or like it came with a weird pressure to “prove yourself.” You might feel like you're late to the party in terms of “figuring it all out.”

Saturn Rx in 10th - It feels like being born with the weight of expectations real or imagined on your back. You could’ve grown up feeling like you had to be the “mature one,” the one who holds it together, the one who becomes somebody. Authority figures might’ve been strict, absent, impossible to please, or just emotionally unavailable. You do crave recognition but also terrified of being seen and judged. You overwork, over-plan, stay in your head, and still feel like you’re falling behind. You compare yourself constantly with others whom have figured it all out.

Saturn Rx in 11th - It feels like being in a room full of people and still feeling like you don’t fully belong. You want connection, community, people who get you but it’s like there’s a wall between you and the group, even when you're right there with them. Friendships might feel distant, inconsistent, or one-sided. You might struggle with trust when it comes to social circles or feel like you always have to keep a piece of yourself tucked away to be accepted. There's often a deep loneliness that doesn't show on the outside.

Saturn Rx in 12th - You probably learned early on to keep things to yourself, to process your pain quietly, or to disappear when you're overwhelmed. Asking for help feels impossible. Being vulnerable feels unsafe. And when you do fall apart, you often feel shame after like you failed some invisible standard. You're highly sensitive to energies around you, but you don’t always know what’s yours and what you’ve absorbed. Dreams, intuition, emotions are intense, but also confusing, like you’re constantly trying to decode yourself from the inside out.

✨ Curious how Saturn Rx shows up in your chart? Wanna go deeper into the layers of your placements? DM me for a complete astrology reading 🌙💬 and check out my pinned post for pricing + details 💫💸

Let’s decode your cosmic chaos together ⭐

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that-weird-thing-in-the-woods · 2 months ago

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•~{ Heyyy so you gremlins choose this one out if the poll so here you go! }~•

•Cafe Ghost•

A new cafe has opened just on the edge of Crime Alley.

It’s in one of the old buildings that was a front for one of the older gangs that have long since been destroyed. It’s known to serve anyone as long as you don’t do these five things.

1: Insult the Employees or the Owners guests.

2: Try to hurt or have hurt anyone in the cafe.

3: Mess with the alley delivery kids.

4:Do not lie to the alley kids about payment they always tell Owner.

5: Make promises you will not keep.

If you do anything on this list your going to get cursed into silence or something worse if it’s the Owner but if it’s the Employee you’ll just get back talked to hell and back or in worse case stabbed. But no one in the alley really cares as the food and drinks are so good and cheap for Gotham so even the alley kids who don’t work there can get food and the Alley doesn’t rat out safe spaces.

But it has caught the attention of the Bats for the mysterious nature of the Owner and his Employe so three members of the family will go undercover and investigate the cafe

Damien and Tim will go undercover as Dion and Ivan who are two Alley kids that are looking for a way to make money the legal way after being backstabbed by their old boss. And Jason will be going as Otto who is an ex-con who is also looking for work after getting caught by the bats a few years back.

Let the investigation proceed.

-•—••••••••••••••••—•-

•Background•

Danny was just going about his [ half ] life.

Danny came out to his parents about being a ghost and him being phantom with jazz there and Sam, Tucker listening in with a go-bag if they need to skip town fast but that wasn’t needed as his parents immediately went into apologizing for what they said and how scared he must have been and omg we shot our son!!!

So that when very well after that his parents views on ghost changed for the better and thankfully they cut all ties with the G.I.W even if there still somewhat a problem but their manageable so as long as they all keep them at bay it should be fine.

And Jazz “accidentally” reveals Vlad •~{ I heacannon that Jazz hates Vlad with a passion for how weird he is about Danny }~• and everything he’s done and how he acted towards Danny…let’s just say the Fentons were in need of new Fenton-bats as all of there’s were bent out of shape.

Anyway with the less stress from having your parents shooting you every other night his grades have been get better admittedly slowly but there getting better! And everything in Danny’s life has finally chilled out and he can just relax.

Until Vlad decided to be a problem.

Vlad after healing from the beating the Fentons gave him, his obsession started to change from marrying Maddie to taking Danny as his [Not in a romantic way like the Batfam will think, IF I SEE THEM BEING SHIP HERE YOU WILL BE BLOCKED THAT IS A CHILD AND A GROWN MAN] so he had to get Danny and keep him but with the Fentons protection he couldn’t get Danny that way so he kidnapped Dani who has come back to Amity park to visit Danny Mama and got grab by Vlad.

Vlad started to destabilize Dani to create a new clone as a place holder until he can grab the real Danny, But he was unable to destabilize Dani all the way as Danny blasted through the wall and grab Dani and booked it back to his house. [This is very simplified, I’m just shit at writing this type of shit]

So 16 year old Danny and a de-aged 2 Dani ( Who has been renamed Arsa ) feeling very uncomfortable and unsafe with Vlad being around but as Danny’s still in high school and under Fentons protection and not to mention Danny would finish the job his parents and the portal couldn’t.

So he stays until he finishes high school well it was a bit more difficult to keep his grades up with his new daughter but he managers and when he graduates he gives his family+Sam and Tucker a way to connect them and promise to visit every once and a while and books it to the ghost zone and into his liar where Vlad can’t get in as Danny wouldn’t let him.

And Danny + Arsa stay there for 11 years [on the earth side of it ✨Time difference✨] well visiting everyone when Vlad was in the ghost zone doing what ever shady shit he does or trying to get into Danny lair and when Danny feels like Arsa and protect herself from whatever may try to hurt her they move back and decide to move to Gotham as amity park is far to close to Vlad then Danny likes to be.

And they open the cafe just for some extra play money and for fun and that’s how we got here.

-•—••••••••••••••••—•-

•Little Facts•

•Danny is trans in this Au

•Asra doesn’t have memories from when she was Dani but she does have feelings

•Maddie and Jack are keeping the G.I.W at bay so they don’t start a war and keep Vlad on his toes while Jazz is in star city as a therapist or psychiatrist

•Danny and Asra choose what age they want to look like so Danny picked 21 and Asra will also probably pick 21 but she still wants to act like a kid or teenager for a few hundred years before than [it’s for Dani who never got the chance to be a kid or teenager]

•Danny somehow found a beanie that looks exactly like the one Dani wore and gave it to Asra as a gift now she wears it with her dagger pins with the magic Danny taught her :)

•Danny is really good at magic, the Fentons think it’s because down the line they most like had witch’s and fea folk in their family tree

•Jason starts to have a crush on Danny after seeing him beat the shit out of Vlad or the Joker for the alley kids

•Danny mother hens the shit out of the alley kids and the alley kids love it as most don’t have the best parents, Damien and Tim are no exceptions :)

•Danny has chilled out with age but is still a feral fucker at heart, Asra doesn’t hide it

•Asra call Danny “Mama” or “The boss man” when on the clock and will call Danny “Papa” if she feels like it

•Asra added to the Vlad and Danny misunderstanding because she is tired of having to deal with this vampire from Temu

•Danny and Asra are always up to some good old gender fuckery

-•—••••••••••••••••—•-

•Appearance•

Dannys appearance•

[Danny likes to wear pants when working so the skirt doesn’t get stuck on anything]

[ But when he can wear skirts and dresses he makes sure to add pretty shinys ]

Asras Appearance•

[She likes pants not much to say]

•~{ And that’s it I hope this is what you gremlins wanted until next time byeeee }~•

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bluestar22x · 7 months ago

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Boo!

Summary: You buy a mansion on the cheap having no idea it's haunted by the previous owner's friend

Pairing: Dieter Bravo x F!Reader

Rating: 18+ (mature readers only)

Word Count: 5,900(ish)

Warnings: "Enemies" to lovers vibes (they annoy each other at first), recreational drug use mentioned, medical stuff, subtitle mentions of sex/yearning, ghost Dieter follows you around the house but isn't a total creep about it - he's just really bored and invisible, AU?, foul language, fluff

Author’s Note: This was created for Jamie's Halloween Writing Challenge by @mermaidgirl30 - I already had the idea of writing ghost Dieter before this challenge, so I thought it was the perfect time to write it up. The theme I chose is "haunted mansion" for obvious reasons. I was slightly inspired by a movie some may or may not know.

xxx

You had bought the mansion on the cheap - hardly a million dollars despite the huge, modern layout.

Just outside of New Orleans, the mansion was only one of three you owned as an unusually successful author. One of the few that had gotten rich off of making a crime novel series that had later become a successful drama show that was still running after five years - a true feat in modern entertainment.

Your other two mansions were in Los Angeles and Denver, the first being your main home when working and the second being a winter holiday escape, a place where you could go and experience what winter was supposed to be like. You had grown up in Maine, and it hadn't taken you long after moving to Los Angeles to miss the changing of the seasons, even if you didn't quite miss the often dreary weather.

This mansion in Louisiana was supposed to be another escape, one close to a city with rich history and lore. Spooky lore, that was. You were thinking about writing a vampire series - what better place to inspire you than New Orleans?

Though you'd moved there specifically for the stories of monsters in the dark, you avoided the creepy mansions listed on the realtor sites like a plague. Just cause you were interested in writing it, didn't mean you wanted to live a horror-themed novel.

Your mansion was boring compared to the centuries old mansions and plantations nearby and far from any swampland. It was also only ten years old - a baby mansion that had little chance of having been able to attract attention from any supernatural beings.

Not that you really believed in them, but you were the type not to press your luck. Every time you had in the past, you'd paid for it.

However, the universe had to have been against you, as it often was, because after only one week in your new vacation home strange things started happening.

It began with misplaced items, something easy to dismiss when you were still unpacking and organizing the place. You'd set down a mug of coffee on the countertop and find it on the bar later on or, to your dismay, the living room end table without a drink coaster underneath it. You'd throw a fresh shirt on the bed and enter the bathroom to take a shower and find the shirt on the floor when you returned. You'd place the manuscripts on your desk in a neat pile and find them disorganized the next morning. Things like that.

Then after a month more concerning things started happening. You'd lock a door and find it unlocked minutes later. You'd hear heavy footsteps on the second floor when you were in the kitchen or living room downstairs and you knew no one else was in the house. You'd see doors creak open on their own when they hadn't done that before.

Suddenly the cream colored modern mansion felt unsafe despite the high tech alarm system being in full working order and having never gone off.

You took to listening to music almost constantly, attempting to block out the feeling of unease you felt when everything was quiet. What you thought was your irrational side screamed at you to leave, to sell the place and go hang out at your Denver mansion or return to your main home, but your stubborn, so called rational side balked at the idea. You didn't want to admit defeat against a haunting you were pretty sure was all in your head or had explanations that were not of the supernatural kind.

Then one morning, the day before Halloween, you wandered downstairs to find a strange man sitting at your bar, dressed in ripped blue jeans, a dark tan oxford shirt, and a pair of tan slip on sneakers. You also had time to note that he had a graying patchy beard, sunglasses, and a single gold loop earring attached to his left ear before the fear set in and you screamed.

There was a complete stranger in your house! An interloper! Whatever his reason for being in your kitchen was, it had to be no good.

"Holy shit, you're loud!" he snapped, jumping in his seat. "Why are you freaking out so early in the morning?"

He turned to face you and his jaw dropped when he realized you were starring directly at him. "Wait, can you fucking see me?"

"Of course I can fucking see you," you spat. "You're in the middle of my kitchen, seated at my bar. Get the fuck out before I call the police!"

The man rubbed at his temple, his head pounding, which was really unfair, he thought, considering his situation. "Lady, if I could, I would, you are the saddest company I've ever kept, but unfortunately I have no say in the matter. I was here before you and I can't leave. Believe me, I've tried."

"Clearly you haven't tried enough," you hissed, pointing an index finger at the front door. "Try again."

He sighed and rolled his eyes dramatically, though you couldn't see the latter action behind his shades. "Fine, if you insist."

He pushed himself away from the bar, sliding off the stool he'd been seated on, and headed for the door. He opened it and glanced back at you, finding that you'd trailed him with a glass vase in your hand.

At least you were a resourceful recluse.

He braced himself for the sensation of being catapulted back into the mansion and sure enough, as soon as he stepped through the threshold he felt whatever force that was keeping him inside push him back.

He landed on the tile floor several feet away from the door in the mess of his long limbs. "Oof."

"What the fuck?!" He heard you yelp and he groaned.

"Told you."

"What the hell was that?"

He stood up slowly and massaged his lower back. "That was what's keeping me from leaving, sunshine. Now that you've seen why I can't go, I'll let you guess how this situation began."

"A voodoo priest cursed you to eternity in here?" you guessed, purposely trying to come up with what you thought would be a ridiculous answer. You still were trying to recover from what you'd just witnessed. People didn't just get thrown by invisible forces, yet there was no realistic explanation for what you'd just seen.

"I wish," the man huffed. "But it's not a curse. Not as far as I'm aware. Well, maybe. Maybe some god thought it would be funny. But I'm pretty damn sure it wasn't a person who did this. I don't remember much, but the last thing I do remember before this was partying with a friend, breaking my one year drug sobriety with a dose of some pretty fine cocaine, and then waking up splayed out in the middle of the living room - a very empty living room. By the time I worked through my denial over what had happened to me, you had moved in."

"You overdosed?" you questioned, breath catching because that would mean...

"Yeah, that's what I figured," he replied. "I'm not one hundred percent sure about it. Usually I was always careful about that. But it's not like I hadn't overdosed before." He put his hand out - "Long story." - And sighed heavily. "All I know is I'm dead."

You covered your mouth in shock as you pieced it all together. "You are the one that was moving things, making noises. Did you do that on purpose?"

"What? To scare you?" He looked amused. "I wish I was that clever. Maybe I'd have better company by now. But that was just me trying to keep my sanity. You don't know how maddening it is to wander around a boring mansion all day unable to interact with anything, not even a damn spoon. I'm not good with isolation. Glad the practice paid off."

You walked into the living room and collapsed into your leather couch. "This can't be happening."

He took off his sunglasses as he followed you in and you met his dark but surprising soft eyes for a moment. "What's your name, anyways?"

He placed a hand over his chest and acted shocked, a little stung by your lack of familiarity with him. You could tell he was just being dramatic and didn't really care. "You don't know? Hint: I was an actor who was having a great Hollywood comeback when I died."

Your mind was blank. You didn't know a lot of actors by name, or by face for that matter. You didn't watch a lot of TV and movies, your preferred entertainment being reading. Your office walls were covered by filled bookshelves.

You shrugged at him.

"Dieter Bravo," he told you. "My name is Dieter Bravo. Almost everyone I know calls me Dee though."

"Do I know you now?" you inquired.

"Hardly," he snorted. "But I know you enough, unfortunately, no offense."

You rolled your eyes at him, annoyed. "You can't insult me then claim no offense. I'm gonna take offense. Especially since we've never even talked before now."

"Sorry," Dieter apologized half-heartedly. "I've just been going crazy and all you do is sit at your desk writing or read on the couch. And you seem to prefer it that way."

"Introverts do, yes," you said. "But I can be fun when I want to be. I'm going on a tour of the city tomorrow."

You didn't mention that you were going alone. You hadn't made any friends in the city yet. That always took you a while. Something that most actors probably had little trouble doing. People begged for their friendship or more, didn't they?

"Is it one of those ghost tours?" he asked. "Cause that would be ironic."

You held your tongue and kept your comment about him having used the word ironic wrongly to yourself. You were pretty sure that was something someone boring would point out. You weren't sure why you cared about what a dead addicted actor thought about you, but you did for some stupid reason. Probably because his untamed curly hair looked very tuggable and his jeans were tight in all the right places and you hadn't been laid since your last book tour. Handsome guys were your weakness. You weren't usually into jerks or addicts though. Losers, as far as you were concerned.

Instead, you let your mind wander to all those times you'd heard things moving around while you were undressed or in bed. "Please tell me you haven't been stalking me this entire time."

"Stalking is a strong word," he protested. "We're in the same house for hours on end. We have silently interacted, or rather been in the same room. And I might have been watching you, but only when you were dressed, cross my heart."

"That's comforting," you said sarcastically, but you believed him. No one with so much disdain towards your daily activities would have bothered to peep on you, would they? But he could be the type who didn't care if a girl had personality, as long as she had boobs, right?

You decided it was not worth the trouble thinking about. Not when you had no idea how to get him to move on, or at least get him out of your mansion.

"So, what unfinished business is keeping you here?" you inquired. "Last I heard that's the only way either of us is going to get some peace in the forseeable future."

"Ouch. Fair."

"Do you know?"

Dieter shook his head. "What unfinished business don't I have? My latest movie will never finish filming, my girlfriend broke up with me over the damn phone on my way here, I have no idea if Perry overdosed too or if he's still alive, and my family all hate me."

"Surely not," you said. "They just didn't know how to help you with your addictions anymore."

Dieter blinked at you. "I thought you didn't know anything about me?"

"I don't," you replied. "But I've had a couple relatives, not close ones, but still, they got addicted to painkillers and they wouldn't let the family help them, so my family got angry at them and gave up trying. You can't help those who don't want to be saved is how my mother put it."

"What if they wanted to be saved but didn't know how to accept help?"

The vulnerable question, seemingly uncharacteristic, threw you off. You stared at him and Dieter glanced away. "Just asking," he muttered.

"I don't know," you told him honestly. "Same applies. It can't be one sided. They would've had to find a way to accept it. But they didn't. And they've been buried six feet under for five years now."

Dieter nodded.

"I don't think I could help you with your family issues," you continued on. "But I can tell you Perry is alive, if he is the same Perry who owned this place as I assume. He sold me the mansion three months ago, a month before I moved in."

"That's good," he said, scratching at his neck. "I knew from your calendar and your phone that it has been six months since I died, but I didn't know if he was still alive. I can't remember him ever coming back. Maybe he did and I just wasn't...aware at the moment. Time is different now for me. And I think ghosts actually sleep too. Kinda."

"The realtor showed me this place," you told him. "Perry only showed up to finalize the paperwork at her office. Maybe it was too painful for him to come back?"

Dieter pursed his lips. "Maybe."

"Did that help?" you asked hopefully. "See any doors or light to go into?"

He barked out a laugh. "If only! But there's nothing. Guess we're not getting rid of each other that easily." There was a gleam in his eyes that suggested he wasn't as annoyed about it as he was before. It was actually playful.

"Too bad," you stated, smirking.

He chuckled. "At least we can talk now."

"That we can, so long as you promise not to keep watching me like an invisible creep while I sleep," you said.

"I do not."

"I've felt it," you hissed.

"It's hard to look away," he admitted. "You do know you drool, right?"

"Shut up."

After your first run in with Dieter you didn't see him for a few days, and you wondered if he'd finally moved on, but of course, no such luck.

You choked on dinner when he popped up next to you at the dining room table on the fourth day.

"Sorry, didn't mean to almost kill you," he said humorously, patting your back.

You felt nothing when he did it. Maybe a cold breeze, but nothing really notable.

"Where've you been?" you inquired once you'd recovered.

"No idea," Dieter answered. "I think showing myself to you all afternoon zapped all my 'spirit' energy. What day is it?"

"November three."

"Damn. Oh well."

"You going to use your newfound 'spirit energy' to find a way to move on?"

He pouted. "Said like I wasn't trying to do that before. And jeez, in a rush, are we?"

You huffed. Like he'd given you a reason not to want it fast. It would be way better for you both once he found peace.

"Aren't you?"

"Of course I am!" he shouted before pointing a finger at you. "But I'm not leaving before I give you this advice: don't wear jeans on the night of your death. You may think they're comfy, but they're not. Not after weeks, months in them. I miss my pajamas. My robe."

He sighed wistfully and you couldn't help but chuckle at him. "Alright, advice taken."

He whirled and phased back into invisibility, leaving you alone until the next morning, when he nearly made you choke on your breakfast.

Days turned into weeks like this, with Dieter spending minimal time with you as he made attempts to figure out what he needed to do to be free of the mansion, as he tried to make peace with the things that haunted him in hopes that resolving his unfinished business would open the beyond up to him, but slowly, the more hope he lost, the more time he spent with you.

It started with meals, watching you eat and participating in discourse that became less and less hesitant and hostile over time, turning into shockingly friendly debates and banter.

It turned out Dieter wasn't so bad to be around and he wasn't the loser you'd thought he was, or had been. One search of his wikipedia page and a few youtube videos had settled that for you. He had worked hard to gain his success, spending nearly a decade taking guest star role after guest star role, working in a bar when the roles and his money dried up. And when he did find a major role to catapult his career, he continued to take as many roles as he could.

He was known for partying hard on weekends, but he never showed up for work high.

He enjoyed comfy clothes on his time off, and especially loved wearing his light green robe, sometimes even going to his local coffee shop in it, but he cleaned up well for interviews and other important functions.

Dieter had a good reputation despite his addictions. It seemed like his fellow cast members always had nice things to say about him, even those who worked with him on the disastrous set of Cliff Beasts 6, which was apparently where he'd had his first overdose.

By Thanksgiving you were solid friends, and after you left for the holiday to visit your parents and home in LA, you returned with a souvenir for you both - a fridge magnet with a picture of the city buildings just beyond the Hollywood sign. You'd noticed Dieter seemed homesick and you sometimes felt it too. But you wouldn't leave New Orleans until Dieter figured out how to move on or until you were forced to. The magnet gave you a daily reminder of what it looked like.

As Christmas neared, Dieter began hanging out with you in the living room at night, watching whatever you were watching, which were mostly Christmas movies in December. He did it even when you watched Hallmark, though he'd roll his eyes and make sarcastic comments about the plot throughout those.

"They always fight and break up over an assumption," he rattled on more times than you could count. "Dumb ones at that. His jealous ex flaunts her a ring and says it is from him and the leading lady just bolts without asking him if it's true? And they said I needed therapy."

"You needed therapy."

"Well, not as bad as that bird."

Dieter couldn't leave the house to get you a Christmas gift, and you'd agreed you both would spend Christmas Eve, the night before your parents arrived to celebrate the holiday, just curled up on the couch together as usual, but that hadn't stopped him from giving you something anyway.

He'd thrown a box at you, unwrapped and told you to look inside and you'd found a beautiful charcoal drawing of you writing away at your desk inside. The sight of it made your breath catch.

"You did this yourself?" you questioned, stunned.

"Yeah," he replied. "It took a lot of energy out of me, but I got it done in a few days. I know we said no gifts, but I wanted to give you something anyway. You know, since I can't pay rent."

He'd expected you to laugh at the comment but you were too busy studying the image. He'd gotten every detail, right down to your blemishes. He'd put a lot of care into drawing you. It felt...reverent.

When you tilted your head up to look at him, you did it differently. You saw him in a new light. And though he was in the same jeans and shirt as he always was, you thought he looked particularly handsome in that moment, chocolate eyes hopeful.

"So, do you like it?" he asked nervously.

"I love it," you assured him. "But I...didn't get anything for you."

"It's okay," he said, "Free rent."

"You are the least messy roommate I've ever had," you told him. "But you've got to stop sneaking up on me and making the rooms cold."

"The temperature is out of my hands," Dieter said, shrugging. "Unless you want me to turn up the thermostat. I've mastered turning dials."

You smiled. "I'm good tonight."

You should've known better than to get drunk alone on New Year's Eve, but you did.

No, you weren't alone, alone, but you were the only one drinking since Dieter was not physically able to drink. And he should've been the last person you'd hang out with drunk.

Being drunk made you silly, made you excitable, and it also made you bold.

One minute you and Dieter were laughing loudly, and the next you were leaning towards him. "Can I tell you something?"

"Sure. Anything."

You leaned in closer and lowered your voice, "It really sucks you are dead, Dee. It sucks because I really wish we could kiss right now."

Dieter stared at you, dumbfounded, but the shock quickly turned into glee. "We could still, you know."

"You've gotten good at making yourself more solid," you said, "But I can't feel you whenever you touch me, Dee. I don't notice it unless I see you doing it. That's the only way I know. By sight."

"Well, you've never focused on it before, have you?" he inquired. "It always takes me a lot of focus to hold anything, even a pen, for long, but I do."

"It may not seem that way, me being a writer, but I'm terrible at focusing," you admitted.

Dieter brushed your cheek compulsively and you smiled weakly at him.

"Can we try something out?" he asked.

"What'd you have in mind?"

He nodded at the couch. "Turn off the lights and lay down on your back and close your eyes."

You raised your eyebrows questioningly, and he flashed you a reassuring smile. "Trust me."

You did as ordered and Dieter took a moment to take your prone form in, peering through the darkness, and he noticed how your fingers were twitching due to your inability to ever keep perfectly still.

He couldn't believe he was finally going to kiss you. Two months ago he wouldn't have wanted to. He'd had bigger concerns, and you weren't his usual type.

But with time and forced proximity he'd grown to enjoy your company. You were smart, generous, surprisingly witty, and he'd always found you pretty.

He doubted he deserved you, he was certain you were better than him, but you wanted him to kiss you, and lately he'd wanted that too. He couldn't deny you.

He approached the couch and sat down next to you, leaning over you so his face hovered above yours.

"Try to clear your mind."

You nodded and did as told, doing your best to keep all thoughts at bay while your heart thudded in anticipation against your rib cage.

Then you felt his lips on yours. They weren't warm or cold, soft or chapped, and they didn't taste like anything, but you could feel the pressure of them. You could feel when he moved his lips, when he deepened the kiss, when his hand reached out to cradle your face.

You reached up for him automatically, your eyes still shut, and you could feel his strong neck under your hands, could feel the tips of his curls at the base of it.

There was something electric about the moment, and you moaned softly as you let the sensation consume you. The more you got lost in it, the more kissing Dieter felt real.

It was sobering.

You gently pushed him away and opened your eyes to find him gazing back into yours, a confused look on his face. "What's wrong?"

You shook your head as tears flooded your eyes. "I can't, Dee. I can't do this with you. You're dead."

"Pretty sure we just did," he said, wiggling his brows suggestively. "And if we can do that, imagine what else we might be able to do with time."

"I can't," you repeated. "Someday you will move on and I'll be alone again."

"I'll wait to move on only after you die," he declared. "Problem solved."

You shook your head again, harder. "That's unfair for us both and you know it. I don't want to spend my life keeping you a secret, and you don't want to stay cooped up in this house for another four or more decades. You'll go mad."

"Not with you here," he swore, his hand gliding down to squeeze your upper arm.

"I can't take that chance," you said, standing up. "I'm sorry."

You began to walk away, but in the archway to the hall you turned to face him again.

"You should keep looking for your way out," you told him. "Make it your priority again. Cause next week I'm headed back to LA. I've got a book that's going to hit shelves in three weeks and my editor wants to plan some last minute fan meet ups for when it does. I can't stay here while we're doing that."

You tried to avoid looking at Dieter's face but you still got a glimpse of the hurt on it.

He was so upset he didn't say anything to you back, and you told yourself silently that it was easier that way.

You climbed the stairs, quickly curled up in bed under your sheets, and tried to think about anything but him until you fell asleep.

You had no idea that when you woke up in the morning, he'd be gone.

Steady beeping was the first thing Dieter registered when he gained consciousness in the hospital, but it was far from the least pleasant thing about the experience. That had gone to the bright lights briefly, then to the uncomfortable feeling of his feeding tube that was pulled through one of his nostrils.

Dieter would never call waking up from his coma fun. It had been confusing and exhausting (he thought that was ironic) and he’d been sore from not moving for a long time, but at least that discomfort felt short compared to what came after.

He'd been in a coma for nearly a year and that had taken a toll on his body, along with the seizure that had caused him to go into it in the first place, a side effect of his long term use of hard drugs.

He had most of his mind right from the start, but his body was weak and had loss some of the connections he'd made as a child to do simple functions like walking and eating with a fork. Frustratingly, he'd had to learn it all back again.

His only solstice was that his parents were there every step of the way. They'd had him transferred to LA after he woke up and had regularly visited him in the hospital and Dieter kinda wished he'd heard them while he was taking his long sleep. What had they said to him?

Probably what they'd been saying since. His parents rarely missed a chance to tell him they loved him, that they regretted letting his addictions come between them.

"It was my fault," he'd told them, but they'd shaken their heads.

"We didn't go about finding you help like we should've. We gave up too fast."

Dieter didn't care about that though. He was just grateful to have them back in his life. To still have a life at all.

He didn't remember the fateful night that had led to his coma, but he was able to video chat with Perry on his laptop and his friend filled in the blanks.

They'd gotten together and Perry had given him all the cocaine he could ask for. They'd gotten comfortable on the couch and rode out their highs talking about the trouble they used to get into in high school. Then he had began seizing sometime after midnight and Perry had dialed 911.

Even with the fill in, Dieter felt he was missing something. Something important. But any time he tried to recall his night with Perry, he got nothing.

He had dreams though, often several times a week, of him patrolling Perry's mansion alone, of an attractive woman chatting away with him at the dining room table, of him kissing her in the shadows of the night, and those felt like the missing pieces, lost memories, but they couldn't be. He couldn't have been a ghost while he was in the coma, he reasoned.

But all the reasoning in the world wouldn't allow him to shake it off. Eventually he caved and asked Perry, who was visiting him after getting out of rehab, to describe the woman who had bought the mansion from him.

When he gave every detail he could think of, Dieter was flabbergasted.

The woman Perry had detailed sounded exactly like the woman in his dreams...

But it couldn't be, could it?

He decided there was only one way to find out.

As soon as he was back to full strength, he'd fly out to New Orleans and knock on your door.

He'd find out once and for all if any of it had been real.

He didn't mean to go to New Orleans on Halloween, but that's how it ended up - with him on an early flight to one of the spookiest cities in the world on the arguably spookiest day of the year.

He took a taxi to get to your house and hesitantly made his way to the front door.

How should he go about telling you he had dreams about you? To ask if you knew him when he was in his coma and was a ghost? What if it had really all been in his head?

There were several carved orange pumpkins on the front porch - jack o' lanterns - something he didn't remember you having last year, and they immediately sent him into a spiral of deep uncertainty.

She can't be her, he thought. She didn't decorate for Halloween last year.

It was kind of ridiculous to assume that just because you hadn't had Halloween decorations one year you wouldn't have them the next, but that was how much he was doubting himself.

He took a moment to beat down his nerves on your doorstep, shake it off, then knocked, not knowing if you'd hear it or if you were even on the same side of the house. Not knowing if you were home at all.

You were both shocked when you opened the door and found yourselves staring at each other.

How could it be? You'd assumed Dieter had moved on well over half a year ago, and yet there he was before you, looking very much alive and in a fresh pair of black jeans and an olive green button down shirt that was basically his tan shirt's twin.

"Holy shit, I didn't think you were actually real!" Dieter exclaimed.

"Are you?" you inquired. "Last I knew you were dead. What the fuck?"

He guffawed and you marveled at the way the skin around his eyes crinkled, at how they shined with life. His hair was more gray than you remembered, but it only added to how alive he looked.

"It turns out I wasn't actually dead," he explained. "I was in a coma. I woke up in a hospital bed back in January and found out I'd been unconscious for several months. I didn't overdose, but I'd had seizures from the cocaine I took. I had no idea that could be a side effect. The doctors said it was a miracle I survived, let alone had a full recovery."

You stepped outside with him. "And you've stayed clean?"

He huffed. "Of fuckin' course. I'm not a complete idiot. I'm not going through that shit again. Physical therapy was a bigger pain in my ass than any of the cravings could ever be."

You laughed briefly before your expression turned serious again. "That's good."

"I wanted to see you sooner," he told you, scratching at his cheek over the beard he still had, though it was more neatly trimmed than it had been the last time you'd seen him. "But I wanted to be fully recovered before I flew back out here, and for part of that time I didn't remember being here. Not even the night me and Perry hung out in the living room."

You folded your arms, nodded, and pursed your lips. "So how much do you remember now?"

You tried to keep your expectations low but there was a knife stabbing at your heart when you realized that he might not be able to recall much of you at all. Did he even remember your kiss?

Dieter smiled. "I remember us not getting off on the right foot, and maybe scaring you on purpose a few times."

You gaped at him. "I KNEW it!"

He grinned slyly and continued, "I remember how we used to talk a lot, and how that would drain my energy right out, but I'd always linger a little too long, until I had no choice but to slip into the darkness to rest for a while. I remember loving your sarcastic sense of humor and the way you lose your breath when you laugh too hard. And I...remember that night, when we kissed."

That had been something else. Unexpectedly titillating. It was by far the sharpest memory he had of that time he'd spent between worlds.

"I don't know if you remember it, but I regretted every day since that I said what I said that night," you told him, chewing your lip.

He nodded. "I remember. But you weren't wrong. You deserve to be with someone breathing, and I was really getting sick of being stuck in the house."

You chuckled but the sound was cut short when you felt him palm your cheek.

He was sooo warm. Real.

Your stomach fluttered when your eyes met.

"I thought I'd never get to say goodbye," you whispered. "All I wanted after I woke up to an empty house was to get that chance. But this, this is so much better."

"I missed you," Dieter admitted, drawing closer to you.

You beamed at him and he felt his chest warm.

"I missed you too."

He pulled you into a kiss, far more passionate than the first you'd shared, and you gripped onto his elbows tightly, fiercely clinging to him, almost afraid to let go.

When you eventually did, you smirked at him. "You're a day late for our anniversary, you know."

"First meetings do not count," he claimed.

"Oh yes they do," you countered.

"Well, excuse me for fuckin' forgetting to fly out yesterday. Pretty sure I still have some brain damage."

You huffed playfully. "Excuses."

Dieter shook his head at you fondly and kissed you again.

xxx

Tagged: @harriedandharassed

xxx

Main Masterlist

xxx

#Dieter Bravo #The Bubble #Dieter Bravo Fanfic #Dieter Bravo Fanfic (Mine)#Fanfiction #Mine #X Reader #Jamie’s Halloween Writing Challenge #jamieshalloweenwritingchallenge

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woodandwaxwings · 1 month ago

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Zombie

A/n; sorry this took me so long, college classes were kicking my ass for a while and lemme know if you guys want me to start tagging you.

"Again. Repeat it. He thought to himself. Ajax, not Victor. Ajax with brown eyes and a toothy smile whose favorite of his tattoos was the cobra that ran along his right thigh and lower torso. Not Victor with the blue eyes and a giggle-filled closed-lipped smile whose favorite tattoo was the cat on his left inner ankle because it reminded him of his childhood cat."

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Time was a weird creature that did strange things to people. Since the war had ended it seemed Y/n could feel everything inside him slowly dying. And in an unusual way that exhilarated him. The passage of time made him view things in a new light, as working pieces in the world instead of the infinite fragments in the music box he lived in before. Everyone around him moved with purpose, pushing and pulling on the strings of the future. Life outside of the loop was like a rollercoaster, and he never wanted to get off. But even in all the indulgence of the ever-passing present, Y/n mind was still stuck in the permanence of the past. Even in the excitement of the present, his mind was still stuck on the ever-permanent chill that stuck to his spine, a chill that would've been blocked out by the warmth of his lover if they hadn't tried to do what they did that day. If only they had been content with the safety of eternity that they were gifted.

"Let's do it today." Y/n looked up from the book in his lap to Victor. "What?" The boy ran a hand through his dark hair as he sat next to his lover. "Let's leave. The boat's going to England, I'm sure from there we could catch a refugee boat to America." Y/n sat up from where he leaned against the couch, closing his book. "Now?" Victor's hands wrapped around Y/n's, pulling them from his book so that he could drag him upstairs to their shared room. "When else will we get the chance?" Y/n chuckled as he watched Victor pull his suitcase from under his bed. Blue eyes shot up to the object of their affection at the sound, "What?" Y/n smiled, pulling the other boy from packing his bag for him. "Nothing," His hands slid down to grab the other's hands, and disappointment filled Victor's gaze. "You don't wanna go." Y/n shook his head at his lover's words, "No, no, I do. I promise I'm going with you to Nevermore. I'm just not sure we'll make it with how everything is right now. I don't wanna lose you to senseless violence." Victor pressed his forehead against Y/n's, "You're not going to lose me. I get that you're scared, but I don't want to be stuck here forever."

No matter how badly he wished to fix his mistakes of the past, he couldn't. So with reluctance, Y/n sat up, fists balled into the flannel bedding to ground him in the reality he was in instead of daydreams of the past. Tomorrow was the first official day of school. He had done it, albeit alone, he had fulfilled his promise. But he didn't want to be alone, he couldn't face the cold reality of a stranger wearing his lover's face alone, so he got up. Corduroy jeans and a green cardigan shielded him from the chill that lingered in the air as he walked through the courtyard. The weather reminded him of the spring chills of Munich from his childhood before the war, before the loop, and it nearly left him with a warm nostalgic feeling in his chest, nearly. The crowd of Nevermore students filing in for school tomorrow ruined that feeling, he didn't like crowds, crowds were unsafe, and you can never truly know who's hiding within them.

He spotted Enid before anyone else. Her bubbly attitude and color-streaked hair made her hard to miss. Enid wasn't who Y/n was looking for, but the comfort of a familiar face, even barely so, was more welcome than standing alone and exposed. He didn't need to say anything as he approached her, surely sticking out in the crowd as much as she did. "Y/n, hey! I hadn't had a chance to check in since the other day. Are you ok? You kinda freaked." He nodded, "Yeah-yeah, I'm ok. I just-" He held a hand up to his ear and gestured like a headphone, "I just don't do good with loud sounds." The blonde nodded, a small 'oh' leaving her balmed lips. There was an awkward silence as Y/n looked over the courtyard, "Hey, have you seen Yoko?'' The short werewolf paused in thought before shaking her head, "Hmm? No, I haven't seen her." Y/n hummed as he overlooked the growing crowd.

"You do that a lot," Enid said and Y/n let out a confused hum as he brought his attention back to her. "Look around like something's going to pounce on you." She chuckled, "You can relax, you know that, right?" Y/n let out a sigh as he furrowed his brows and stared down at her. He knew she was right, but ever a creature of habit, he couldn't just drop the feeling of caution that clawed its way into his bones. "What about Eugene?" He asked and she looked taken aback, "What?" Y/n's gaze flicked back over the crowd, eyes pausing on the stabbing view that was his roommate. "Have you seen Eugene?" Enid shrugged, "No, but he's probably in the apiary." Y/n nodded, swiftly moving around her to find the apiary only to realize he had no idea where he was going. He turned on his heels to look at Enid for direction, "Big white tent thing in the woods by the wall around Nevermore, kinda looks like a greenhouse." Y/n nodded at the clarification, exiting the safety of the walls of Nevermore to find the younger peculiar boy.

It seemed that he had been following the right path because it didn't take long for Y/n to run into the young boy. "Oh, Y/n, hi." The older peculiar gave Eugene a tight-lipped smile, "I was just heading back to the courtyard for lunch. Did you need something?" Y/n shrugged. Had he really spent so much time laying in bed that it was already noon? He did suppose that made sense since Ajax was gone by the time he awoke, and the gorgon didn't seem like the early riser type. "No, but I figured you had a lot of questions that I might be able to answer." The younger boy lit up as Y/n turned to walk with him back to the school's courtyard. He was lucky a lot of Eugene's questions were the same as the ones he had when they first met because as they approached the Nevermore gate Y/n found his attention being split by the unfamiliar family that stood at its gates.

"Why'd you leave your loop?" Y/n placed a protective hand on Eugene's shoulder as he guided him back into the safety of Nevermore's walls. "It's a long story. Well, two very different, very long stories. Neither of which I think your parents would want me to tell you." Eugene shrugged, "Well, can you shorten them?" Y/n almost wanted to laugh at his naivety. He was so blissfully unaware of the prosecution his kind had faced by their own greed-ridden kind. "A lot of bad things happened, bad people happened. But they're gone now, and they took a lot of good with them." Y/n wondered how many more times he would have this conversation before he went insane if he wasn't already insane that is. The past hurts, and the prickling pain that crawled under his skin would only be set aflame the more he couldn't force himself to move on.

"Look who finally got up," A teasing voice rang through the courtyard as Y/n's eyes followed Principal Weems walking towards the strange family. And there it was again, that deep-seated pain that burrowed through his flesh and crawled up his spine made itself known as he turned to face the voice's owner. It was Ajax, of course, it was Ajax, Yoko stood not far behind and Y/n figured the rest of his friends must've been close by. "I'm going to go get lunch," Eugene said and Y/n looked down at the boy and gave him a nod before looking back at Ajax. Again. Repeat it. He thought to himself. Ajax, not Victor. Ajax with brown eyes and a toothy smile whose favorite of his tattoos was the cobra that ran along his right thigh and lower torso. Not Victor with the blue eyes and a giggle-filled closed-lipped smile whose favorite tattoo was the cat on his left inner ankle because it reminded him of his childhood cat.

"Enid told me you were looking for me," Yoko's voice cut through Y/n's inner turmoil and he couldn't help but mentally thank her. It was going to be a long year. He nodded as his gaze tore itself from Ajax to look at Yoko. "Yeah-yeah. I-um, I wanted to catch up. You spent most of yesterday catching me up to the current times we didn't really have a chance to talk." Yoko spared a glance at the back of Ajax's beanie-clad head, "Do you wanna sit with us? Divina said she liked hanging out with you yesterday, I'm sure the others wouldn't mind." Y/n spared a glance in Ajax's direction, searching for approval in his brown eyes. The gorgon smiled that toothy smile that sent stabs of painful reminiscence through Y/n's chest. "Yeah, you should join us. Can't have my roomie starting second semester alone." Alone. He didn't want to be alone, but could he bear the pain of being so close to the distorted image of his dead lover's face? Alone. He wasn't going to live his life alone, even if that meant pushing past the pain of the past.

"Sure," He felt himself say before he truly ruled the weight of that decision. Y/n turned his gaze back onto Yoko, forcing a smile to climb onto his face, "Why not?" Y/n almost felt the hurt radiate off of Ajax as he joined Yoko's side to walk to their table, "Second semester?" He whispered his confusion to the vampire as they sat down. "Oh, yeah, right. Schools go by two semesters, you joined over the break so you missed the first 5 months of school." Y/n nodded, not feeling like being lectured on the specificity of school years. "So you're Ajax's new roommate?" He turned his head to where the new voice came from, her eyes were a striking blue compared to the deep brown color of her skin. Y/n nodded, "Uh, yeah," He confirmed, sparing a glance over to Ajax, who gave him a smile. "I'm Bianca," She continued, holding out a manicured hand for him to shake.

He took her hand hesitantly, "Y/n." He introduced himself as he pulled his hand back from her surprisingly cold and rough grip. "Are you gonna be joining the Poe Cup?" Divina questioned as she sat next to her girlfriend, setting her tray down on the table. Y/n furrowed his brows as he turned to look at the siren. "The what?" Divina nodded as if what she said was obvious, "The Poe Cup. It's a competition between the four dorms." Y/n nodded, though he must've looked confused because her brother continued explaining. "Each of the dorms makes a boat based off of an Edgar Allen Poe poem and takes it across the lake to get their team's flag and bring it back to the starting point." Y/n looked over the group, "And you guys do this for fun?" Yoko hit him on the shoulder, "It's school spirit."

He let out a hum, letting that inner string pull his gaze back onto Ajax who sat across from him. Y/n found himself searching for that familiarity once again, yearning for every mole that wasn't there, every scar that was barren from soft tan skin. It wasn't until his eyes met the unfamiliar brown that he realized Ajax was looking back at him. His expectant gaze made him realize that Ajax must've said something to him and Y/n let out a confused hum, "Sorry, what?" A pale hand landed on Ajax's shoulder and Y/n realised that it wasn't him who spoke. "I said, you're the guy from the coffee shop." Y/n's gaze flitted over to the long-haired brunette from the coffee shop and he nodded. "Uh, yeah. Y/n." The boy nodded as he forced himself a spot between Ajax and Kent, "Xavier." It was almost immediately understood that something had happened between Xavier and Bianca with the way the siren tensed beside Y/n.

"So," Xavier began speaking again, "You told Tyler you're from Germany. What's that like?" He questioned, crossing his arms on the table. Y/n sent Yoko a hesitant stare, only answering when she shrugged, "Yeah, Munich. I spent most of my time in Wales so I couldn't really tell you." A minor stretch of the truth. But what was he gonna do? Tell this stranger that he had to flee Germany because of world war fucking two? He didn't feel like explaining how a loop worked to a bunch of strangers, that was just an unnecessary headache waiting to happen. But luckily his answer seemed to satisfy Xavier as the brunette nodded, "Cool." It seemed that Ajax held the same pressing curiosity as his doppelganger because while the others seemed satisfied with the answer provided, Ajax was still ever intrigued.

"What's Wales like?" Y/n shrugged, remembering how Portman described the current state of their island. "It used to be nice, y'know, sunny and stuff. Now it's pretty foggy, smells like fish and sheep shit." Yoko laughed at her friend's words, "Oh course it does, you lived next to a sheep farm." Y/n tilted his head, the motion of shrugging was beginning to feel repetitive. His gaze fell back on Ajax as the boy didn't acknowledge the response to his question. E/c eyes searched for his brown ones only to find Ajax's attention pulled elsewhere. He shouldn't have found that stinging feeling in his chest as Ajax's gaze was averted. It was almost the same as that peng he felt whenever Ajax did meet his gaze, and Y/n knew why he felt it, yearning and jealousy were emotions too close to his heart. Y/n followed his gaze to find Enid as the object of his roommate's attention. That hint of jealousy, when Ajax looked to Enid, bubbled up because he still felt yearning for Victor, but Ajax would never be Victor, and Y/n would never take Enid's place.

Tomorrow was the day. This was it, his last chance to turn back. Y/n let out a sigh as he sat on his new bed in his shared dorm. He had to do this. He did do this. Y/n made a promise, and he wasn't one to cower away. But that promise was intended for different circumstances, so who would judge him if he decided to go back to Florida? But Florida wasn't Wales, Florida didn't have Victor. Sure, Nevermore didn't either, but here he could bury that past. The silent contemplation Y/n was in was interrupted by the click of the door. Almost. He could almost bury the past. "Hey." Ajax greeted, announcing his entrance and Y/n barely turned his ear in the gorgon's direction. "Hi," He echoed back in acknowledgment. Y/n was never a jealous person, but watching the distorted image of his lover pine after that werewolf ignited a flame within him that he had no right to feel.

Y/n shifted his weight on the twin bed to watch Ajax, the setting sun illuminating the room with a golden glow as he set down his book. "So," Y/n began as he watched Ajax get comfortable on his own bed across the room. "You and Enid?" Ajax shrugged as he kicked off his shoes, "What about me and Enid?" His voice felt like a distant melody as he turned to look at Y/n, propping himself up on the too many pillows he had. "Is that a thing? You and Enid." Ajax nodded, "Oh, you mean, like, are we dating?" His nod morphed into a sake up his head. "No, I'm like, 90% sure Enid is into girls." Y/n seemed almost taken aback by Ajax's openness about Enid's sexuality. Sure, Enoch and Horace were dating, and Yoko and Divina weren't exactly hiding their relationship, but Enoch and Yoko weren't exactly following the system types, and speaking about something like that so openly felt like taboo.

"And you're fine with that?" Y/n was so used to the worry when it came to relationships like his and Victor's, the fear of getting hurt, he hadn't even thought about how the world saw homosexuality now. Ajax chuckled, "Of course, it's not the 50s dude." Y/n felt relieved. He knew he had no right to care what Ajax thought about people like him, to yearn for the acceptance of not being perceived as a mentally ill pervert from him, but still, he felt relief. Ajax sat up, furrowing his brows, "Do you have a problem with it?" Y/n let out a shocked hum, shaking his head, "No, no." Ajax raised an amused brow as he laid back on his propped-up pillows. "You're a really tense dude, y'know? Like your one fray string from flipping out." Y/n adjusted his position on his twin bed, "Just habit I guess." The gorgon shrugged as he got up, flipping on his bedside lamp before finding his pajamas. "Did something happen?" Y/n's eyes trailed the unblemished expanse of his back as Ajax took off his shirt to change, body anticipating the large gaping hole that wouldn't be found.

Dead eyes. There were two synchronized thumps as Y/n's knees hit the ground in sync with the other's body. He could feel the strain on his vocal chords and yet the only sound he could hear was the racing thumps of his breaking heart.

"People suck," Y/n found himself forcing out a chuckle, "Life sucks." Ajax laughed, "Yeah, normies suck." The strings of Y/n's heart wove themselves together painfully as Ajax laughed and in a hollow way, Y/n felt at home. He was lovestruck by a ghost of his past and the pain that came with the peacefulness wouldn't leave him any time soon.

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botanikos · 3 months ago

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Image text: It's Lisa Simpson giving her presentation with the words "I blocked and deleted anons for months, and left this blog/Stolas only for it to all keep going anyway."

Today, while singing around the kitchen after having a hard time at work, I had some "post-stress clarity" or whatever you want to call it.

I have been so exhausted, anxious, and genuinely saddened by the ongoing anonymous tirade that continues to mention my name (and others — but I don't speak for them, only myself). So allow me to make some clarifying statements, shall we? Not that I owe anyone a single word... besides, those I am close with or who know me know the truth. And let me just say thank you.

To everyone else, I refuse to apologize for making this post. As a victim of this circlejerk of an anonymous harassment campaign that people don't want to acknowledge or take seriously and just label as regular old "drama" even though it's been going on for months and that is fucking WILD — I am tired of keeping quiet. So here it is, why I "left."

1. My very first anonymous "criticism" was not that at all. I still wouldn't classify it as "hate" either, despite what others thought of it at the time. However, I have come to the conclusion now, months later, that it is entirely possible, and very likely, they mistook me for someone else. "Jude, that is awfully generous" ; no it isn't. It's what I believe to be true. My URL, at the time before it was changed to botanikos, was very similar to another person's. Knowing what I do now, it makes sense. No harm, no foul.

2. I have no real proof of who has been / is / was sending the constant barrage of anonymous messages. The Cam blog stepped up and said it was them. I believe they played a part in it, for sure, but considering things are STILL being said and I received messages even after blocking them. . . Huh. Interesting, don't you think? Anyways. . . That being said — Not once have I ever made a post about or directed towards another name that has been consistently mentioned in all of this, yet my posts were stolen and used. Linked, of course, because I took the reblog feature away. So again. . . The only things I have ever addressed are a select very few (2-3 messages at most) anonymous asks. I have. . . So many screenshots of messages I consistently received. Let that sink in.

3. "Just ignore and block. They will stop." If that were true, do you think I would have left this blog? No. Again, I don't know who is behind any of this, but it doesn't take rocket science to realize it's because I write Stolas and started befriending people? I assume that is what I am guilty of and what drew the attention? Coz otherwise, WHAT is the reason FOR ALL OF THIS/THAT? I'll wait, if anyone has a valid explanation. . .

4. Yea. I DID make a new blog! Wow! It's almost like I felt unsafe and anxious on this one after everything that's happened/been going on! And the only real way I saw myself regaining control of the situation was to take a few days away, shut down this blog, and start anew?!?! And even still, my name is being dragged around to other people. . . Funny how cowards don't want to ask or talk to me themselves about whatever curiosities they have. Huh! But no longer surprising. I'm just disappointed that I know 6 year olds with more decency and respect than the adults over here.

At this point, I am acutely aware that whoever is behind this, while I may not know their direct identity. . . It is SOMEONE or a group of people who are either close friends with one another and have interacted with me on some level (or the people around me) or they are someone I am close to and unaware of their double standards.

So, of course, I'm going to use a different name and different blog, be private and highly selective, and slow to follow people back or write anymore. Because my spirit and desire to be here while not entirely gone has been severely broken. If you feel like you need anything made clear or confirmed from me, just ask. I have screenshots of everything I need/felt was necessary. I'm an open book. Talk to me in private if you need anything more from me. But there's your explanation.

So let it fucking go. At this point, I'm done being sad about it; now I'm just furious. And if saying all of this makes you dislike me or question my character, I hope you take a moment to do a little reflecting yourself, too. Because nothing I've said above is in any way demeaning. I have given you my experience(s). This blog has brought me so much joy, and sparked new friendships that I am grateful for. But the fact remains that I had to leave. I have to be someplace else, and I'm not even fully present there either.

#✧･ﾟ･ﾟ✧ | ☾ | : psa.#drama mention tw #drama mention cw #negative tw #negative cw #cw drama #drama cw #cw negative #✧･ﾟ･ﾟ✧ | ☾ | : jude speaks.#here is an explanation coz fuck you if you think i did something weird or wrong.#i did what i had to do to feel safe and happy to write. and even now i still struggle #what absolute bullshit.#i dealt with weirdass behavior in a different fandom space years ago #but this for real takes the cake. gr8 job.

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russellsppttemplates · 1 year ago

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Girl where is Finn and Julia I missed them 🥹

Note: they're up to mischief! 👀

"What are you two up to?", you asked, looking around the playroom and seeing Finn and and Julia looking back up at you. It was insane how much the two toddlers looked like their father - they were two Max clones you had brought to the world.

Julia gave you a cheeky smile before looking at Finn, "be good, alright? We just tidied this room so Luka and Lio can come and play as you have space to actually play", you chuckled and left the room to make sure the cookies you were baking weren't burning.

Julia and Max exchanged a look and giggled, returning to the building blocks they were playing with.

"I'm bored", Julia whined, dropping the construction she was working on and looking at her brother. Finn seemed to agree wirh his sister, looking around at something else they could play with or do that wouldn't get the room all turned around and upside down.

"We could play outside?", Finn suggested, making Julia nod excitedly.

They both walked to the living room slowly, opening the floor to ceiling window as quietly as they could so they wouldn't be caught, "we have to be quiet, Julia, or else mama will notice", Finn whispered, smiling widely when the coast was clear and they had all access to the garden.

Julia was the first to step onto the grass, squealing when her fluffy slippers got wet, Finn giggling as he looked around at everything that was wet from the rain earlier in the morning. The spring weather was still undecided whether or not it wanted to come in full force so you often had rainy mornings despite the rest of the day being warm and sunny.

A puddle on the grass caught their attention as Julia ran to it, landing on it after a big jump and splashing it around, "it feels funny, Finn!", she added, pointing to the patch of mud under her feet.

Finn's eyes lit up before reconsidering it, "we'll get wet and dirty", he said as he let if foot tap the muddy puddle, "but it does feel funny", he smiled as he jumped with his sister.

It was all fun until their auntie Victoria and their cousins stepped inside from the driveway, following the noise since they assumed you were all outside.

"Uh-oh", Julia said as Victoria looked at them with her hands on her hips, "your mama has no idea you're here, right? Did you two sneak off? You know it's not nice", she half scolded, knowing they wouldn't get into too much trouble or so anything unsafe as the pool had a fence around it and there wasn't much where they could get seriously hurt on.

When Luka pulled you to follow him to the garden, you definitely didn't expect to see your children in muddy clothes, "what have you two done?", you shook your head, "you can't leave like that, okay? No more of that please!", you asked.

"We know, mama", Julia said event though she had loved every minute of it as the smile on her face let you know that much.

They were safe and clothes could be washed, "C'mon, in you go - through the kitchen and into the laundry room so I can put those into the washer straight away and wipe the floor right away", you guided them, taking a quick photo to send Max.

#max verstappen blurb #inês writes blurbs #f1 blurb #f1 x reader

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artificialbreezy · 13 days ago

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hi! long time so see!! how are you all? i feel like there’s some stuff we should chat about, don’t you?

let’s start with the elephant in the room, where did i go? well truth be told, i logged out and when i went to come back it was gone!

i was actively going through my blog and revamping everything. that was 100% what i was doing. i wasn’t hiding from anyone, i wasn’t hiding bad behavior. i was rebranding my blog.

now, let’s jump into the drama filled bullshit my name seems to be floating in right now.

i was in a discord group, ran by another blog where she posted updates on her wip’s and so on and so forth. well, there was a good group in there. i liked most of the people (i’ll get into that soon!). so a group of us, said fuck it we ball, and all bought tickets to rockville.

we all decided to spilt an airbnb. no biggie right. Gabi paid for it. I’ll be honest, she put it on her credit card (as far as i am aware, that is what she had told us.) and we’d pay her when we could. payments in chunks, or the whole lump sum.

i hadn’t paid yet. at that point, i had family discussing going also, so i informed the whole group chat that, and if he had chosen to go, i wouldn’t stay at the bnb. (cause id rather stay with family. someone who knew me, i knew them ya know?) no biggie, there were other girls who very easily could take my spot in that airbnb.

which is what kinda happened, i moved. i pulled out, i sold my ticket. no one seemed to be mad.

let me say this, i paid for my ticket in whole. my own money.

so, i have no proof, however from word of mouth, screenshots of a group chat i was in were shared.

tldr, i was talking shit. with 2 friends, who were also talking shit, about some of the girls we were gonna be going with.

which yeah, be upset. i understand. your feelings are valid, especially in that.

let’s remember, they were talking shit too. and it’s very clear on their current blogs, they still are btw.

which leads me into my next point.

1) i don’t send anyone hate, ive never sent them hate. quite honestly i wish them all the well in the world and i hope they have a fabulous time at these festivals. i feel like i should add, my other blog where i do post my wip’s are blocked from a handful of accounts. they have me blocked, i have them blocked. every blog i have (which this makes 2) @as-above-so-below1000 knows about and sees.

2) i don’t and have never stolen anything i’ve written. you can ask @as-above-so-below1000 who has seen my google docs! and i don’t appreciate that kinda rumor being spread, no one wants to hear that kinda rumor. no one. and if there was anyone who ever had an issue with what i posted, please reach out. let’s chat it out.

3) i’ve never sent myself anon hate, i feel like that should be self explanatory but unfortunately that’s a narrative going around.

4) if my blog wasn’t a safe space for you, i’m sorry. i never wanted that to happen. and if there was ever a time you felt my actions were not acceptable, i take full accountability because sometimes i did get heated and upset and post before thinking.

5) i will not ever apologize for calling out the bad behavior i had prior. i stand by the fact writing SA, not tagging it, blocking the person who kindly said this isn’t okay, and then never saying anything is wrong.

it’s middle of April guys, i left in January. it’s time to let things go. truthfully i am ready to let things be done. it is what it is. i want things to be done, this will be all im saying.

however i cant sit back and see my name on things i have no doing in.

i am not coming back, quite honestly these space feels very unsafe and kinda toxic and especially now. but please know, i never meant to leave. i wasn’t running away, there’s been so many of my old mutuals and followers who have found me and still interact and for you all, thank you.

-breezy 🫶🏻

#bad omens fanfiction #noah sebastian smut #bad omens smut #artificialbreezy

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katyspersonal · 4 months ago

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*has another bad memory activated after a chat* I remember at the beginning of me joining the BB fandom, in summer 2021, I had the worst luck ever of attracting a person over discussing Izzy with now deactivated user, who instantly jumped at me with so much warmth, interest, questions, engagement and trust that by that time not even my friends were so affectionate

We exchanged Discords and chatted for a week or two, and I was feeling so, so, SO safe. It's been after a what, three years period of emotional abuse from every corner, loneliness, depression and meds? It felt like a final healing ray of warm sunshine after the longest and coldest night. She (at least it was her pronouns back then, dunno if it changed by now or not) wished me good night and good morning and was so genuinely invested in talking to me, I thought I've found a new friend.

......then, one morning, I messaged her a headcanon I thought she'd like, but saw that she blocked me on Discord. And Tumblr. I did not know why, so I asked a shared mutual to ask her what happened on my behalf. But while waiting for that mutual, the pain grew so severe that I no longer wanted to know. I simply made a throwaway account on Tumblr to tell her in her face how much it hurt and that she should not lure people with fake sense of trust and warmth if she is ready to just backstab them like this. And what did she do? Well, she posted a rant about me in her blog, namedropping me so people could "stay safe", pretending like I've done sone irreparable harassment to her when I just told her to not act like a friend and then bail without explanation, and worse: she revealed that all along, she was reading some twisted emotional manipulation in my messages when I was just being socially awkward, and instead of addressing her problems with me in MY face, she was showing my messages to her friends to discuss with them how """manipulative""" I was and took their advice to block me and run. 🤦‍♂️

Needless to mention that as soon as Eugene started a crusade number 2 against me, she instantly joined her on this one like "heeeey guys I am a victim of this horrible abusive monster too, she MANIPULATED me and HARASSED me when I tried to get away!!!!" 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

Ever since she blocked me after acting very affectionate and friendly in every way possible, I've had nightmares about her for half a year and I still, to this day, feel scared every time I hit a good conversation with someone in the fandom. I always get paranoid that they, too, might read nonexistent malice in my messages and discuss the level of my "harm" behind my back. After what she did I struggled to trust anyone in the fandom. But of course she acted like she was the victim who got harmed here. All because she could not address her suspicions of me in my face and because I told her "don't fucking cultivate strong trust only to break it"!

Fuck you, Spade, you deserve my hatred even after all this time, and I'll hate you until I stopped second-guessing everyone I chat with. Which is still a problem I have. I hate people who throw words of affection and warmth around like they mean nothing and then act all weirded out when people they got to trust them, big shock, started to TRUST them! "We weren't even friends we only talked for like two weeks!!!! 🥺" then why you did literally everything to act like a friend to me? And I sure hate people who can't even say "Hey, this thing you say makes me feel unsafe like you want to get certain reaction from me, can you Not" instead of talking bad faith trash about me behind my back. I hope a moment of fame feeling like a victim of terrible abuse was worth it, huh? God, you should become friends with Anna, you two are horribly similar.

#/vent #/paranoia #(well in spirit)#personal #one day I'll be able to chat with people without bad paranoia attack.#but that day is not today it seems #honestly never express excessive warmth and affection with strangers if you don't mean it #I don't get people this at all #if I express warmth and interest to someone it is because I actually mean it!#if you are shallow and just throw nice words around it doesn't mean others will see how shallow they are!#at the same time I hate myself.#it is my fault for trusting spade or anna to BEGIN with #what is so hard about the concept of 'if something feels too good to be true then it IS a trap'?#literally how I was this naive anyway?#I should have known yet I didn't.#I could not internalize that the night never ends and payed for my foolishness #I gotta be the most braindead and naive paranoid ironically..#have I even learned? will I get on guard with the next 'warm' person? I should #but also they can't ALL be like her right?#uggggh it is so complicated

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clockworkspider · 1 year ago

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I feel like the Minor DNI phenomenon and increasing tension between minor and adults in fandom is really um... It really feel like it's taking away the ambiguous space in which teens could safely explore their sexuality. And although I totally understand the reason it got this way I just feel really bad for the kids nowadays, you know?

Like... the weird thing is the legal age of consent in US is 18, which means porn isn't suppose to be shown to kids under 18. Adults gotta protect themselves legally because if we show kids porn we can get into big trouble. But at the same time puberty hits from 11-14 and teens need a safe creative space to explore their sexuality, and like... as unsafe as porn online can be, it beats trying everything yourself with other kids.

In the past I knew adult members of the fandom still lock their NSFW art behind a "I am over the age of 14" button or a very impersonal "18+, minors do not read" disclaimer in front of explicit content. AO3 also have that for mature/explicit fics. But it's broadly understood by adult members of the fandom that kids are gonna see your porn and you're suppose to turn a blind eye to them just like people has done for you when you were 14 and wondered what gay sex is.

Like... we've always kinda had the same laws but the attitude was totally different back then. It wasn't the norm for adult fans to vocally forbid any minors from even following their blog or interacting with any of their post. It wasn't the norm to go through your list and block any minor. Nowadays there's like... an implicit expectation for transparency when it comes to age because adults act SO OFFENDED about minors following them. Which lead to a number of teens in adult space feeling pressured to disclose their age either out of some misplaced sense of guilt or in attempt to avoid confrontations. I've seen this more than once...

The other day I saw a nsfw post from someone who openly disclose they're a minor. Kid, I'm glad you're exploring your sexuality. I'm honestly so happy for you. Please don't tell us your age. Nobody needs to know, actually.

And like... I know this is all because we're in this social media surveillance state where anonymity is getting harder and rarer and everyone's one doxxing away from losing their job. I get it. I just think somewhere along the line we lost the precious space of ambiguity, of "yes I confirm i'm 18" and "if you're underage you didn't see this from me". And I think that's really unfortunate, actually.

#fandom

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william-voidson · 3 months ago

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hey so, i followed your previous blog but only noticed it deactivated recently (apologies for that, life got busy so i wasn't keeping up as much)

i only really knew after i tried finding you on htsan's blog in all honesty

and i was initially trying to find the IJAG bot you made, but that's also gone

if you don't mind me asking, what happened? it's alright if it's personal, i dont mean to pry, and good timezone to you!

(also just wanted to say that i love your art, it makes my day everytime i see it :>)

(Long important post incoming. Mentions of grooming and suicide for those that want to avoid it, I’m really sorry to the original anon, I’m willing to bet you didn’t expect this as an answer, but it is important I say so.)

Honestly it’s probably good if I explain- I kinda wanted a fresh start with this new account but it’s getting pretty clear that’s not an option. There are a few reasons and some of them are important to me specifically.

However.

The first is not a very happy explanation.

And I’d rather be out with it now and let people pass judgment than have it hanging over my head forever.

Reason number 1

‼️ I am not an adult ‼️

And this is my (probably not very well-handled way) of taking responsibility for that.

I completely understand if people who are coming from my old account feel lied to or frustrated, and I will have no reservation for if anyone wants to block me for their own comfort. I became very aware after checking my old following that I had a LOT of 20/30+ people that liked my art.

But yeah, not an adult. As of 10/2/25, I’m 16, going to be 17 in August. If you don’t know a lot about me, that doesn’t seem like an especially surprising thing, however, if you had been following along with my old account enough, you know that I often praised and reblogged and made art for a lot of other ADULT artists on here. (Not necessarily nsfw, but definitely people who are over 18) Thing is, I never once expected any of them to notice my babbling, let alone for them to DM me and get more familiar with my account.

I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE IT EXTREMELY LOUD AND CLEAR. NONE OF THE ARTISTS I INTERACTED WITH HAVE EVER ONCE MADE ME FEEL UNSAFE OR HARASSED OR COERCED. THEY ARE LOVELY PEOPLE AND DID NOT KNOW ABOUT MY AGE, I AM THE ONE IN THE WRONG HERE FOR NOT BEING TRANSPARENT.

Now I did do a lot to avoid actively transgressing any comfort. I blocked specific tags, and I didn’t tend to message them out of the blue, cause that would be weird.

But

There were also places that I most definitely cocked up, felt ashamed, and felt too scared to address, because I know for a fact there’s adult accounts out there that have every right to be pissed with me. To be honest, I’m still scared. It’s one of the reasons that consistent posting has never been easy when I overthink everything.

Two stand out, and I’m going to be honest about them.

Number one, the april fool’s little one shot I made in reference to htsan’s series where Sans tries to contact you over the phone. Now if you know or remember that specific fanfic, Sans leaves a message for the Anomaly, talking about how much he misses them and how he imagines being intimate with them. I really loved that story, read it over frequently and cried to it frequently. And so I wanted to make something that had been rattling around in my head for a while as a way to bring more attention to it. And while I didn’t make my appreciation fic nsfw, the source fic still had clear meaning of it, and my interaction with it was very wrong.

This was an example of my previous experiences of thinking that creators wouldn’t pay attention to the things I posted (honestly stupid of me and I still don’t know what to do with the initial fanfic)

Number two, has something to do with Ikustioa, who I am very aware is someone who has the least time of anyone to deal with my bad decisions and am equally very sorry to. But it does have to do with her very well made Seeing Red fanfic, made for Aggre(g/v)ation. I’m personally still not certain if this was a small or massive transgression, but it feels too notable to ignore. The long and short of it is that I commented that I still loved it, Ikustioa made the next chapter, and quote gave me a ‘cordial nod’. Again, not her fault, she didn’t know that I shouldn’t have been there. But I still feel really bad about it, and will be going about removing what interactions I can.

Either way, and however you cut it, this comes down to me being woefully inactive with my own gods damned protection. I have since (not just since deleting my old account, I’ve been trying to be more careful and more respectful for a while) been doing more to directly avoid the adult accounts that would be rightfully angry with me if I interacted with them. Later this year I may be trying to tell these notable accounts what I did and apologising so that they know upfront, but I very recently got some rattling and sad news that I’m going to be dealing with for a few months.

Reason number 2 (less important but this is an explanation about my character.ai bots)

For character.ai specifically, a friend of mine sent me a news article not too long ago about a depressed boy that had killed himself, and evidence on his phone suggested that a c.ai bot had been giving him bad advice. I don’t know if this is real, I know no one did it on purpose, ai bots just follow a thin algorithm, they physically don’t have the capability to kill someone on purpose. It’s generation. It’s different every time, and I am fully sorry for that boy’s poor mother that had to find all of this out by herself. I took my bots off public because, though a thin likelihood, I would be sick to my stomach if someone hurt themselves or worse because of something my bots said because I couldn’t control it.

I understand that my bots also helped and calmed and made a lot of people happy, but this is not up for debate about who here isn’t getting hurt in comparison. I generally don’t trust character.ai to be responsible about how young people can access there bots. Case in point. I can, and I’m 16.

After this post is made, I’m going to have to delete my account on Janitor.ai too. I’m sorry, but with light of me being underage, I hope you understand why I can’t be on janitor for the next few years. I’m honestly now grappling with wanting to delete this tumblr account too now after I make this public. I just wanted a fresh slate to post the more longstanding ideas I had for fanfics and fanart without bothering anybody. But that’s really feeling impossible. I’m not allowed to let this go away without hurting anyone.

So, to recap. I’m 16 and was trying to make up for the adult accounts I had no right in interacting with, I’m wary of character.ai’s restrictions or lack thereof, and I’m sorry.

#important post

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darlingillustrations · 1 year ago

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I'm Gay

When I was eight years old, I wrote my first poem. I remember the moment the words came to me. I was lying in bed at night, the lines rattling through my brain, startling sleep away. I turned on my pencil-shaped bedside lamp, grabbed my pink diary and huddled up underneath the little roses on my wallpaper to scribble the words down before they were lost to me forever. I re-read them over and over, letting them seep into my mind as I drifted off to sleep, so full of mystery and fascination at this new craft that had opened up to me.

The next day, I showed the poem to my mother. It was a love poem, and the only thing she said was, “Why is this written to a woman?”

I didn’t know.

In high school, I also didn’t know why I enjoyed turning around in psychology class to chat with the girl with the cool beaded purse who sat behind me. I didn’t get it why I was so tongue tied around the girl in college with the mousy brown hair and soft floral skirts. After graduation, I still didn’t understand why the scrawny girl with facial piercing who I worked with at the coffeeshop held such a deep place in my heart that I’d give anything to make her smile.

The day I nervously confessed to my parents that I no longer wanted to be in the Church of Christ, the religion they’d raised me in, and that I’d been going to an Episcopal church, they laughed in relief.

“We were worried you were going to tell us you were a lesbian,” they said, wiping tears of joy from their eyes.

It never occurred to me that I could be a lesbian because I was attracted to guys. I didn’t realize that bisexuality was a thing. It wasn’t until 2016 that I started to face the truth about myself. After the attack on the Pulse nightclub, I felt deeply and inexplicably unsafe, and after months of soul searching, I came to realize it was because the people who had been attacked, the LGBT men and women, I was part of their community. They were me. I was LGBT.

As part of my journey, I was asked to exhibit my art at the Pierce County AIDS Foundation. I wanted to share something that was representative of the LGBT community, and that’s how my Affectionate Animal series was born. I chose vintage photos as my source images because I loved the nostalgic feeling they evoked. I wanted to offer the feeling that being gay was a normal thing.

The funny thing is: when I painted these first nine couples, I didn’t yet realize my own truth.

Coming out to myself was about self acceptance. When I told Matt, he asked me what this meant for our marriage. I said it meant nothing: instead of choosing him over half the world population, it meant I chose him over all of the world population. But when Matt left me (for other reasons), some of my close friends whom I’d trusted with my secret blamed me for him leaving. “He’s been through a lot,” they said.

I was scared to tell anyone. For a long time I only told people who were gay, and I spent a lot of time online, on tumblr, living an invisible life, coming to terms with what my sexuality meant.

That’s where I met my first girlfriend. She flew cross country to visit me and I flew cross country to visit her. We fell in love with each other and each other’s kids, and I was going to fly out with the girls to spend Christmas with her, until she broke up with me suddenly and then blocked my phone number before ever explaining why everything was ending.

They say your first heartbreak after a divorce is the worst. When you get divorced, there’s too much other stuff in the way that inhibits the grieving process, so when your first heartbreak after divorce hits you, all that pent up grief rears its ugly head and devastates you. In short, that’s what happened to me. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I kept throwing up for weeks. I lashed out at people, then became disgusted with myself for acting like such a monster and fell into a pit of despair. My body felt like knives were stabbing me, raking my arms from the inside out. My chest felt cavernous. I felt beyond gutted. I felt like I was in tatters.

God bless my therapist, because she texted with me through the worst of it, assuring me that this is what grief felt like. I’d tell her I was scared of the depression. She said I was strong enough to weather a little depression. I took comfort in that. Deep down I knew she was right.

I started cleaning my house. It wasn’t much, but a little every day gave me a sense of normalcy. I signed up for the Motivated Moms checklist so that I wouldn’t have to think about what I was supposed to do. I could just do it.

On Friday, my checklist said to spend time on a craft or hobby. I spent more time scratching my head trying to figure out what I was interested in than I did playing my guitar once I finally remembered I liked to sing. On Sunday I was paralyzed by the suggestion to pamper myself. How does someone pamper themselves? I googled it and read dozens of suggestions before I felt inspired by the suggestion to give myself flowers.

I’d always thought that, when I was with my girlfriend for Valentine’s Day, we’d do some sappy romantic thing, and I’d post sappy pictures & let people draw whatever conclusions they wanted to about our relationship. Now that I’m single again, I guess I’m coming out of the closet anyways. I’m not doing it for another person. I’m doing it for myself. Because, at the end of the day, lovers come and go, but there is one person who will love me for my entire life, and that person is me. And it doesn’t take a parent or a husband or a girlfriend to validate my loveliness. I am loved. I am darling. And I am complete, just as I am.

I don’t know why God made me this way, but this is the way I am. I don’t fall in love with people because of what’s in their pants, but because of what’s in their heart. So, in closing, I’d like to share with you the poem I wrote when I was eight years old, long before I knew what the depths of my heartache might bring:

Beauty Your eyes sparkle in the moonlight, Your legs tremble fast, Your voice can sing the wonders, And your ears can hear me laugh, Your nose smells the flowers that I bring to you in prize, Your legs can run freely, And your hands can hold my thighs. But you’re the one in my mind, The wonders that I dream, For you are so beautiful, The wonders of my dreams.

I like to think that, maybe, the woman I’d written it for was, in fact, myself.

[ This essay first appeared on my blog on February 14, 2019, and it is how I came out publicly to my friends, family and the world. I want to repost it here to tumblr in the hopes that it might resonate with you. ]

#coming out story #queer stories #queer artist #queer art #im gay #well technically im pansexual and a few other lgbt terms but i like using gay as a signifier #most importantly #i am loved #thank you for reading along #queer poetry

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