#i had such coherent thoughts this morning and then like 2 paragraphs in my brain fell asleep lol

[laws-yellow-submarine]

Ok @mysticaltigersorceress let's do this lol, forewarning that this is very much just word vomit at this point and I'm very tired and semi-coherent so if anyone reads this and it doesn't make sense or seems all over the place: you're right!

So like, I mentioned this morning that my Driving To Work Thoughts™ were about Hazel's perception of beauty and how that applies to herself and junk, so I will now share those thoughts in the least spoilery way that I can lmfao

Hazel and Luffy both see "beauty" as a sort of title or a type of person, or something I'm tired and explaining is HARD but we see it in canon when Alvida reappears after eating her devil fruit (Luffy calls her "a beauty" but he doesn't seem to consider her "beautiful", which is weird to explain but makes sense if you don't think about it)

Hazel, having read a lot of stories over the years, can see beauty in certain traits (hard-working, kind, etc. All those fairy tale princess traits lol). For example: Makino doesn't display ideal beauty (she's not like stunningly gorgeous) but she is Hazel's only real example growing up of what a "pretty girl" looks like: someone feminine and clean and not necessarily slim but like, no hard lines (muscle, for example). So in Hazel's opinion, she is not a "pretty girl".

Now granted, Hazel also isn't the type to feel self-conscious about this. She grew up with almost zero feminine influence, she had Garp as a grandfather, Ace, Sabo, and Luffy as her childhood companions, and the mountain bandits plus Dadan as sort of caretakers; beauty just didn't matter in the grand scheme of things, and she would've been the only one who could've cared about it in the first place (Makino did her best to encourage "girliness" when she could, but Hazel has never felt "pretty")

So now as an adult, Hazel isn't overly concerned about beauty, but applying the concept to herself feels...uncomfortable. When she and Ace started dating as teens she figured appearance didn't play a part in it, they were extremely close friends close in age who'd grown up together, she���d read stories with similar relationship structures, it just made logical sense (cause that's a recipe for a spicy romance lmfao). When Sanji fawns over her at first she doesn't know how to react, but seeing him fawn over Nami (who IS a "pretty girl") and every other woman they meet makes Hazel feel more confident that it's just a Sanji thing, and nothing to actually do with her.

None of this is true of course, but she literally can't even picture herself as being "pretty" or "beautiful". She could have beautiful features but she's not a "pretty girl". But that doesn't mean she doesn't want to be. Again, she's read all those fairy tales, she's imagined herself as the heroine in more than one story, and they all have one thing in common: they were undeniably beautiful.

There's a part coming up that I want to show but tbh idk how I'll make it fit yet, or if I'll end up having to cut it, but in chapter 9 Nami was in charge of getting clothes for the both of them. She knows Hazel's style is more practical, so she stuck to things like shorts and t-shirts and tank tops and jeans, while keeping the more feminine styles for herself. But when she's showing Hazel what she bought, there's a dress that catches her eye and Hazel gravitates to it. Nami didn't intend for it to be hers, but once she sees Hazel looking at it (specifically the way she's looking at it) Nami decides that it's hers. Hazel tries to protest since she'll never get a chance to wear it ("and it'll probably look silly on me anyway!") but Nami insists and says she'll make sure to find a time for them to get dressed up (a prospect which both terrifies and excites Hazel lol). She doesn't get a chance to wear it for a LONG time though lol

By the time Hazel does get to dress up, a lot has happened that actually does make her feel self-conscious about her appearance (and it only gets worse from there lol technically I've already spoiled what happens on this blog since I talked about it before I committed to writing Together With Fruit, I'm too lazy to go find and delete the posts lmfao). Putting the dress on, getting dolled up by Nami and Robin, all just makes her feel out of place, like a kid playing dress up - not at all like a princess in a fairy tale. But she goes out anyway and has a good time and just maybe the person she's with helps her feel...pretty.

Cause here's the thing, a certain moss-headed love interest doesn't view beauty in a physical sense. Sure, he can appreciate aesthetics, and the fact Hazel actually looks like a stereotypical girl might make his heart thump a little bit (cause I'm just a sucker for those moments lol), but to him what stands out as beautiful is a person's character. Hazel's kindness, her strength (both physical and emotional), her dedication… these are what attracts Zoro. He can see the things she's gone through, the things she's put herself through for others, and every scar she's gained from it only makes her more beautiful in his eyes…

And the only reason I was even thinking about this today is because a while back I saw a post that asked "what's a common theme that appears in everything you write", and while granted I haven't actually written much, I have a lot of ideas and half-formed plots in my head for various OCs and the one common thing is redemption and reconciliation. One of my favorite things in a romance is when you think a couple is solid and perfect, then something happens to show that things aren't perfect, and the couple has to work to fix that thing so they can be stronger (often with a breakup then makeup scenario lol). I love the idea of being so drawn together that even when you think it's over you find a way to see their side and you come back stronger together. But Hazel and Zoro broke the mold for me when it comes to this theme.

I've played around with ways things might become iffy between them, probably when they reunite after the time skip. After so much has happened, and Hazel has literally been to Hell and back, can he really still see her in that way? And at least for now I think some of that anxiety would center around her physical appearance (her appearance is so drastically different post-time skip, like, so much happens lol), but it's also that she can't be exactly the same person that she was 2 years before. And maybe Zoro is feeling some anxiety too, but on the flip side: can she really still feel that way towards him, when she's been through so much? Did he train enough to be worthy of that strength she carries? At some point his priorities shift to not only become the World's Greatest Swordsman, but also to help lift up his partner the way she lifts him (and everyone else) up.

And I think it's important for everyone to know that Zoro is attentive to every scar, he caresses every muscle, and treats her with such utter reverence...honestly thinking about it right now, think "Take Me to Church" vibes lol

He makes Hazel feel absolutely, stunningly beautiful, and it's the only time it doesn't feel uncomfortable. 

[ckingsbridge]

Coastal Magic Convention Report (2/?)

Continued from Part 1

This was Coastal Magic’s first year doing a murder mystery party, and it was one of the parts of the weekend I’d been looking forward to most. I’ve done these in the past with my mom’s family during our summer family vacations, and they’re a huge amount of fun if everyone playing is willing to commit.

If you’re unfamiliar with the concept, for a murder mystery party, the guests take on the roles of the story’s characters. You receive instructions in advance of the party with information on your character’s personality, behavior, and wardrobe, as well as details about your relationships with some of the other characters and a few secrets you might know.

When the murder mystery takes place at a party where the guests far outnumber the named characters (like at a convention!), the majority of the guests take on the shared role of “Investigator”. In this case, they don’t receive any information in advance of the party, but they’re given a booklet when they arrive that details some juicy tidbits they know and curious things they’ve observed in relation to the named characters.

During the first part of the party, the characters circulate through the room, interacting with each other and the Investigators in-character and dropping various hints/clues as they’ve been instructed. Then at some point, there’s a - gasp - murder!!!

One of the characters is declared to have been murdered. The players themselves have no idea who is going to be killed, or which one of them is the killer - they don’t find out until they open the sealed section in the back of their character booklets in the middle of the party. Then the party shifts into crime-solving mode: the guests find clues that have been hidden around the room, investigate the crime scene, and talk to the characters some more before the characters are publicly interrogated.

At the end of the party, the guests vote for which of the characters they believe is the killer. For the one we did at Coastal Magic, we also voted for the best actor and best costume. The ballots are tallied, the results are announced, and the killer is given the opportunity to explain themselves.

The Jazz Age Murder Mystery was an absolute blast! I played one of the characters myself - Win, stuffy accountant to gangsters and criminals. For my costume, I went with a “nerdy gangster” vibe: black pencil skirt, white button-down, suspenders, old-school black stockings, and of course a jauntily angled fedora.

All of the players committed to their roles 110%, which is honestly what makes or breaks this kind of party. I was also amazed by how genuinely hilarious many of the players were. Some of them had like professional-level improv skills and comedic timing. Special props have to go to Elicia Hyder (who deservedly won “best actor” - she had my vote!), J.D. Monroe, Meghan Maslow (attorney… at law), and Avery Flynn. There were times when I was falling-down, tears-in-my-eyes cracking up!

As for the mystery itself, I was vindicated in having figured out who the murderer was as soon as the victim’s identity was announced. However, it turned out that I had ascribed a much more complex and sinister motive to the killer than the game had, LOL. (I thought the murder was a premeditated conspiracy with another character, whereas the game had it as an unintentional crime of passion, albeit rooted in the same reasons that I thought it was premeditated.) I guess that’s not surprising, given my own personal taste in murder mysteries!

The party also gave me the chance to connect with fabulous author Sarah Nicolas, a person after my own heart, who ended up being the killer. In a weird stroke of coincidence, Sarah had been drinking a gin and tonic during the party - and the murder weapon turned out to be a gin bottle!

All told, I think the murder mystery party was a roaring success, and I hope it becomes a new tradition that continues at future conventions.

Saturday was the busiest day of the convention, starting with my romantic suspense panel in the morning. There were five authors on this panel, and even though we all write romantic suspense, it was interesting to see how we all write it in very different ways. It just goes to show how much story variety there can be even within a single genre!

I had a break between the end of that panel and the start of my next commitment, and for the first time, I didn’t feel the need to return to my room to decompress and recharge my introverted self. Instead, I went to the “Improv Flash Fiction” panel, which is something Coastal Magic does every year. 

For this panel, a large group of authors (I think there were 8 or 9) sit in the usual line facing the audience. The moderator asks the audience for a handful of story prompts, such as the type of protagonist, genre, setting, and main conflict. The authors then use those prompts to craft a story on the spot. Starting with the first person in line, each subsequent author builds on the contributions of the authors before them by adding anywhere from a handful of sentences to the oral equivalent of several paragraphs, introducing their own twists to the tale. As you can imagine, the story gets progressively zanier as it makes its way down the line.

This panel ranked right up there under the murder mystery party as one of the most hilarious parts of the con! And from what I’ve been told, it’s like that every year. The funniest parts, IMO, were the reactions of authors farther down the line when the author before them did something totally unexpected and wacky, then left them to deal with the fallout.

Plus, the panel was impressive as hell: all of the stories (there was enough time for 3) ended up being coherent narratives with interesting twists and turns as well as satisfying resolutions by the end.

I am in awe of people who are able to think quickly on their feet and improvise successfully - in part because it’s in such diametric opposition to my own skill set, haha. I could never, ever participate in something like this; my brain would be in a panicked scramble the whole time. But as an audience member, I love improv. Almost every podcast I subscribe to is some form of improvised comedy, and I got the same kind of kick out of the flash fiction panel.

TBC tomorrow - Lunch with an Author, and my first-ever book signing!

[greekgeek21]

The Codependency Competition Ch.5

Well, it wasn't EXACTLY a day, but close enough. I, not unlike you, can't seem to stop thinking about this story. It's like when you get a good book, and you can't put it down. Well, now I can't stop writing this story. Also, I'm sorry if these chapters aren't that long, I just go with what comes to me in the moment, and sometimes that isn't that much. Plus, most of the time I'm writing at 2 in the morning, so...yeah.

Reminder, this is also on Wattpad, Ao3, FF, and Inkitt! Happy reading and stay safe!

– your author

ΩΩΩ

"Yes, and you're Mike, Chloe, and Jack. Percy's friends," Annabeth smiled at them, "I'm Annabeth."

Percy was still in a state of shock. He couldn't even form coherent words! All that was running through his mind was Annabeth, here, friends, here, Annabeth here...

It was on a continuous loop.

"Yes, we are. So then why are YOU here?" Chloe demanded, giving Annabeth her best glare (which compared to Annabeth's was nothing).

"Well, I think Percy can explain that for you just fine!" Annabeth exclaimed with mock-enthusiasm.

Everyone shifted their gazes to the demigod in question, but all he could do was open and close his mouth like a fish. Annabeth had to stifle a snort at the sight. Her boyfriend seemed to be stuck. Looks like her payback is going just according to plan!

"Percy?" Mike asked his friend, furrowing his eyebrows.

That one word somehow struck him out of his stupor, and he instantly said, "It isn't what it looks like!"

Chloe raised her eyebrows at that, "So there isn't a girl, who is rumored to hate you, standing there in your shirt?"

Percy resisted the urge to just run out of there. The ADHD side of his brain was starting to realize that THIS must be Annabeth's retaliation. It was so her that it made him feel stupid for not recognizing it sooner.

"I told you, we don't hate each other!" Percy shouted, letting his anger leak out before he could stop it.

Percy could usually keep a good grasp on his emotions, but the situation was just overwhelming him too much. His Poseidon side causes him to go from calm to freaking out in an instant. And on top of it all, his powers are tied to his emotions, so if he isn’t able to control himself when he gets kitchen duty at camp, things could get very wet.

Because of all these clashing emotions, Percy didn't realize that he had started to make the water in their dispenser start to shake. It started off slow, just little ripples, but it quickly escalated to thrashing around in an attempt to escape. It very clearly showed his current emotions.

"Percy! Get ahold of yourself!" Annabeth shouted, walking up to her boyfriend and taking him by the shoulders.

Annabeth didn't even care that his friends were standing next to them. If Percy REALLY lost it, she wasn’t sure anyone would be able to stop him. Only he could. And it would still probably take awhile.

And this still was over something as trivial as losing a competition.

But he wasn't the one to break first, because, acting on instinct, Annabeth kissed Percy. She tried to put all her thoughts of calming down into it, as well as all her love. Sometimes this happened when he had bad nightmares, and she was the only one able to break him out of it.

"Huh?" Percy finally snapped out of it when they broke apart.

"Oh, thank the gods," Annabeth sighed in relief.

"Umm...what just happened?" Mike asked, clearly confused.

That made Percy and Annabeth remember that they still had company. Now they had to deal with something even worse than Percy losing control: explaining.

"Heeeey, guys! Have you met Annabeth Chase?" Percy pointed to his girlfriend.

"Vlakas," Annabeth sighed, rubbing between her eyebrows.

Chloe crossed her arms and gained a 'don't mess with me' look. "Care to explain why you just kissed a girl who you've never met?"

Well, it seems that the Mist has worked its magic once again! At least now they didn’t have to explain why Percy was controlling water while having a panic attack from going on a multitude of dangerous quests for gods that are 'myths.'

That would be bad.

"I'm his girlfriend," Annabeth answered before Percy could come up with some elaborate excuse that nobody would believe.

However, her idea wasn't exactly the best either. All Percy could do in response to that statement was stare at her with wide, stunned eyes.

His friends didn't seem to be expecting that answer either. Jack seemed physically affected, falling onto his butt.

"Uh, what?" Mike asked, being the first to voice any questions.

"Yes! She's. My. Girlfriend," Percy said, sounding REALLY proud for someone only declaring a relationship.

Chloe's thoughts finally spilled out of her head, "For how long? Why didn't you tell us? I thought we were your friends!"

Because of his fatal flaw, those words affected Percy a lot, "Of COURSE you're my friends! This was just part of some stupid competition!"

And now both of their fatal flaws were flaring up, "Stupid competition? Perseus Jackson, are you calling me stupid!?"

Oh, no. Full name. That's never good.

It seemed that Annabeth's outburst had sucked all of Percy's other problems away, and now all his focus was on his girlfriend. Just further proof that he was completely and utterly whipped.

"No! You are amazing, smart, and beautiful. I love you so much, and I would never, EVERcall you stupid!" he reassured her.

And that's all she needed, so Annabeth's scowl turned into a delighted grin, and she even seemed to stand up straighter, too. This was still a part of her plan (sorta). Athena plans for everything, after all!

"That's great! Now, I'll just leave you to explain everything else to YOUR friends," Annabeth said, skipping back to their room.

All of Percy's friends turned to him once again and Mike laughed, "Dude, you are SERIOUSLY whipped!"

"Whatever. Let's go to the couch," Percy sighed, already feeling a headache coming on, "I think I need to be sitting down for this."

ΩΩΩ

Once again, I found an ending place earlier than expected! My goal for each chapter is that I at LEAST reach 1000 or so words. Plus, I tried to write less dialogue this time, but I think I just ended up making it worse than the last chapter. But don't worry, next chapter will hopefully be full of those long, annoying paragraphs! 🤣

Special thanks to my amazing beta reader, JJ! nightskywithrainbows in Ao3!

Comment, like, and follow! Stay safe and happy reading!

– your author 

chapter 6 :)

[breadlanguages]

The first post //  5 Jun' 2020 03:45AM

Hi.

I've started this blog in the wee hours of the morning after a sudden inspiration struck and took root in my head. The world (at least on my side) is sleeping soundly now, and the only sounds I can hear are my jumbled thoughts from my overactive brain (presumably caffeine-stimulated, from the dalgona coffee that I made in the afternoon /just circuit breaker things/) and the punching sounds of the keys as I attempt to iron out the thoughts in my head into a coherent paragraph.

There's so many things that I have to do, there's so much happening out in the world right now (note: it's June 2020 - there's the global Black Lives Matter movement, China's proposal for a new security law for Hong Kong, the newly passed anti-terrorism bill in the Philippines, and of course, not forgetting the coronavirus pandemic that has already taken hundreds of thousands of lives to date), but amidst all the chaos in the world today, I'm craving a small space to record my mundane life and hopefully, gain motivation to regularly do something that I really like - language learning.

I'm an avid language learner - I first started my foreign language learning journey when I was 15 with Japanese, and I have been obsessed ever since. It is an amazing experience to learn a language - as your proficiency in the language increases, your understanding of intricacies in the culture increases in tandem. As I progressed with learning a language, I enjoyed being able to appreciate the subtleties, the nuances of the language and oh! that wonderful feeling when you are first able to understand a pun in your target language! That's when I feel that my effort has really paid off. Language learning is definitely not easy - it requires a lot of time and effort. While some people might be faster on the uptake, it certainly is not impossible for anyone to start picking up a foreign language.

After learning Japanese, I started picking up Korean in college by taking classes at the university. I studied for almost 3.5 years (but strictly speaking, it was slightly less than 2 years worth of lessons) and achieved TOPIK Level 6 at the end of it. Language learning also opens up a lot of opportunities - I was able to do a semester-long exchange programme at a prestigious university in South Korea (one of the best four months of my life!) and I had opportunities to meet a lot of distinguished people - diplomats, professors, just to name a few - thanks to my proficiency in the Korean language. Just a month ago, I’ve started a new challenge to learn Spanish and it’s my first time self-studying a language right from the start, so there’s gonna be a lot of trial-and-error involved to find a routine or method that works best with me. (I’m currently using Duolingo! I realised that it’s a pretty incredible resource, at least for their Spanish course) I hope to be able to record all of that in this blog and hopefully, I will get around to practising my Japanese and Korean so that I do not forget these languages.

It’s 4.20AM now and I think I should be ending this post here. I hope this little space would be a place for like-minded individuals to share our language learning progress, resources and tips! Hopefully, some of you would gain inspiration from my posts to start your own language learning journey too.

Till the next post,

Esther ✧

[jacobthespaceguy]

New life, new computer & new perspective.

I wrote this half a year ago and forgot to post this. Enjoy.

Dear Cosmonauts,

Greetings! It’s me, your boy! Did you miss me? No? Yeah, not too surprised. To be honest, I would be genuinely surprised if anyone actually read these. It’ll never stop me though. I love using this as some kind of escape. I think I’m trying to say that I’m officially back to blogging! Well actually, I never was in a state of, “blogging.” I just simply make a blog post every once in a while. So instead of being back, I guess I will simply start blogging more often. At the very least, try to. In an ideal world, I would create entries at least once a month, that’s not too much to ask for... just a few paragraphs every month. Sounds easy enough... On that note, it probably isn’t. But maybe it is. It depends on your personality.

Laziness. Saying laziness defines me is an understatement. I don’t want to be lazy nor do I wish I was. I’m honestly not too sure why I'm so lazy. I think this pandemic just made it really bad. Working from home 3/5 days of the week changes you. Early on, I figured I would be able to use this extra time to work on more music and I even started being a mixing/mastering engineer for a friend of mines. However, I ended up using this extra time to stay in bed and be useless. Some would say I'm being hard on myself but I'm not. I stay in bed and I waste my time, my friend's time, and overall, I'm just a useless human being. I feel like a failure sometimes. However, I do hold on to the hope that I can change. I want to change. Some days, I tell myself, "I'll be productive this time," but then stay in bed half the day. By the time I'm up and eaten breakfast and done my whole morning routine... it'll be 2 o'clock and the day is practically over. It's not really over, but it'll feel like it. It sucks. Now the pandemic is ending and I'll probably have to go back to work full time soon. I have no idea how I'm going to cope with that. I'm already depresso mode from things changing so much around me that I feel like a hermit and want to hide under my desk for the rest of my life. I hate change. I hate it, hate it, HATE IT. I know change is good and if my music career takes off, then they'll be a lot of change. Although, I would rather endure that kind of pressure than have to go back to work. Every day to get to my work is a 40-minute drive there, and an hour drive back since traffic is so bad. I know other people have it worse, but with how tired I am after a shift, I have days where I lay on my bedroom floor doing nothing and or nap until I finally get up to shower, eat dinner and finally get to the home activities I wanted to. However, at this point, it'll be 7 PM and I'm too tired to do anything other than watch YouTube videos until 1 AM, and then it's finally time to go to bed. It's a struggle and I can't seem to escape it.

I don't even know what I'm writing anymore and lost track of where I was going with this. I guess it's to complain about hating work and or my laziness? I originally started writing this post with the intention to talk about my new computer and how writing a blog post with it is a vibe. I bought a mid-2017 MacBook Pro back in August of 2019. It was the most absolute base model and only had 128 gb of storage and 8 gb of ram. WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF! I loved the flexibility of having a decent laptop for when I travel, but this was a bad purchase that left me financially ruined. I want to say that it was a terrible machine and I hated it. However, it ran decently most of the time and I must confess that Apple just knows what they're doing when designing computers. I can't argue though, since I started this blog, I became an Apple fanboy and I'm seriously buried in the Apple ecosystem. My phone, laptop, tablet at one point but sold, my credit card, my watch, earphones, and tracking devices are all connected to Apple and they basically run my life. However, my main machine will likely always be a Windows desktop.

Back to the MacBook Pro, my 2017 laptop having 128 gb made the machine unusable for me. Apple offering a 128 gb machine was a cardinal sin and I do the happy dance every morning knowing they no longer exist. After downloading Reason and Logic Pro, I had about 8 gb for any else I wanted to use. I couldn't even have all of Logic's sounds installed. Ugh. I never used the machine because I resented it so much. However, I recently started using it to record my vocals because the fans (despite going up 1000 db when I record in Reason) were quieter than having my desktop fans on when recording so I opted to use my MacBook Pro to record instead. In addition, it was really nice to have when I was on the go and needed a computer. Despite being a baseline laptop, it ran the project file for my song, "Nothing Was The Same," decently enough for me to get some mixing done at my Dad's house late last year. It still chugged pretty bad when I was traversing through Reason's sequencer. My final straw was when I wanted to try a vocal plug-in that refused to work on my PC so I pulled out my MacBook Pro and installed it on there and it worked perfectly. I was like, "Man, I wish this MacBook Pro just had a little more storage so I can actually use it efficiently." That's when the idea came to me, "Holy crap, let's just buy a new MacBook."

I would constantly go to Apple's website and look at their newest 16" MacBook Pro. It's when Apple finally let go of the butterfly switches on their keyboard and went back to a scissor-switch design and improved the heck out of the performance. It was a beautiful machine and I wanted it ever since they announced it. So I went back on Apple's website last week after testing that vocal plug-in and was reminded of the horrendous price. $3,000 for a decently specced computer was just too much. Someone on Reddit was telling me how great Apple's refurbished computers are and that they're basically brand new aside from the regular box it comes in. So I decided I wanted to get a refurbished MacBook Pro. However, the next morning, I decided to do a little more research and I thank God I did because after a little research, I saw how much better the new 13" M1 chip MacBook Pro was over the current 16" Intel MacBook Pro and that it was the best laptop to buy. Even better, it's cheaper. So after more research, I decided to buy a refurbished max specced out M1 MacBook Pro. I finally have 2 tb of storage. 2 TB!!! I have more storage on this laptop than on my Windows desktop. I also went with silver over space grey like my other MacBook simply because it looks so much cooler. I don't care for space grey anymore. Something about the classic silver is where it's at. Also, this keyboard is amazing! I'm using it right now to type this. The Touch Bar is pretty cool too. I thought it would be a weird adjustment but it was actually pretty seamless. My only complaint is that it's easier to tap it and do something while typing on the keyboard. Happened to me twice while typing this. Although, all I did was open the emoji window so it wasn't even an issue. However, I think I type a bit in an unconventional way than most of you reading this do so just ignore me. I would also like to brag about how quiet this computer is. I haven't heard the fan once and it's dead quiet. In fact, the M1 MacBook Air doesn't even have a fan, that's how good this new Apple silicon is. Lastly, I haven't had the computer heat up at all yet. I'm typing this using safari with a few tabs open, Logic Pro in the background and there's no part of the computer that's hot right now. My lap would've melted if I was using my 2017 MacBook and it's in great shape! I want to say this computer is a beast but, to be honest, I haven't had a chance to stress test it yet. I've had the computer for less than a week. I will definitely keep you all updated.

Wow, I can't believe I typed all of this simply because I imagined Adam Young in his basement late at night with his MacBook Pro writing his magnificent blog posts that inspired me to start this blog in the first place. For whatever reason, it's a real vibe for me and as I was fumbling through Logic Pro, I had the idea to write a blog and all of this entry just poured out from my brain to this text box. I sincerely apologize to anyone reading this far and to my future self who probably just spent 20 minutes proofreading and fixing errors I made. I'd imagine all the run-on sentences are probably infuriating. I think I spent 40 minutes to an hour just writing this.

In conclusion, I'm writing blog posts again and plan to release new entries at least somewhat often. I have quite a few ideas of things I want to talk about, so you guys will get to pick my brain soon enough. In addition, I may go public about this blog. It is public but I announced it a long time ago and I wasn't very big. But with my podcast and additional following over the years, I may finally get some readers. I'd be surprised if more than 3 people have seen my blog which I'm not upset about. I'm treating this as my personal time capsule and it's fun to go back and read. In addition, I'm going to die someday. I don't know when and how, but it provides a little bit of comfort knowing a potential love one may find this one day after my unfortunate death and get hours of personal content that they can read over any time. I don't mean to get morbid and I don't mean to say my blog is the second coming of Christ. I don't know what I'm saying other than I hope you enjoy it. Anywho, I plan to make blog posts more coherent and not so all over the place. I went from being lazy/hating work, MacBook Pros, and then to my death, all in the same post. I just got so excited once I started typing and couldn't stop. More posts to come. Thank you and goodnight.

-Sincerely,

Jacob McDonnell

[gigabyte-goblin]

mon, jun 7, 2021, pt 2

ok i’ve decided that multiple posts a day is fine. i spent way too long looking for a header image for this blog and i’m not sure why, since i don’t intend for anyone but me to see it. i guess i just wanted it to be nice anyway. i ended up just choosing a plain mint green. before i did that i chose a profile picture, it’s just a random meme i have that makes me laugh, and idk why but it feels relatable. in case i change it in the future, it’s that girl from neon genesis evangelion and it says “it’s wednesday, or as i like to call it: thursday” idk why it feels relatable it just does. anyway enough about memes. it’s 5:05 now and I finished my english homework but idk, i’m feeling down now. not sure why, maybe because of the homework, maybe because i wasted a long time looking for an image for a blog no one will see. i was actually feeling pretty good after my first post, maybe because it felt good to post, or maybe something else. either way that feeling went away sometime between then and now. (i posted it at around 3:50, i think) (should i include timestamps on these? i think that would be interesting but i’m not sure whether to put the time i started writing the post or the time i finished it, cause i spent like about 15 min on the last one just putting down everything that my brain said. well, most of what my brain said) 

actually, writing this is making me feel a bit better again i think. i was honestly planning to probably procrastinate my math homework until tommorrow morning (it’s due when i have class, which is at 2:30) but i’m feeling a bit more capable of doing it now. i guess this really does help. i mean, i still don’t WANT to do my homework, but i’m feeling less down. maybe if i listen to music it will be bearable. either way i should do it soon because my concerta is starting to wear off, and the more it wears off, the more frustrating and unproductive homework is. woah, in the middle of writing that sentece i started dissociating or whatever, i’m not sure if that’s the right term. it’s been a while since this happened. it used to happen a lot. at the moment it’s kinda coming back and then going away and then coming back. i feel kinda sick. i should probably eat something.. all i ate today were two protein bars. ugh, if that’s how i’m eating i’m never gonna gain weight. why is it so hard for me to gain weight anyway? i’ve never been anorexic or anything, i just rarely get hungry because of my meds, which makes it really hard to eat. i love the days when i don’t have to take my concerta and i can enjoy food. those days i do tend to be hungry all day even when i eat meals, so i have a lot of snacks too. i guess not having to constantly get up to snack is kinda convenient, but i still hate the side effects of concerta. 

writing this feels good, but i should really do my math homework. i’m dreading it now though.. this feels safe, i just put whatever comes into my brain, onto the keyboard, no focus required, if my brain wanders, it comes back beacause i’m still typing the thought, i don’t have time to move to another one. well maybe that’s why this is easier than homework, idk. it feels good to just put whatever down, without sticking to a topic at all, it feels freeing. i thought i hated writing, maybe i just hate writing things when they’re meant to be coherent. writing this is fun, if i wanted to start talking about pokemon right after talking about my medication, i could! and no one could tell me not to, it’s my blog post and there are no expectations. i guess that’s how it’s different from like, creative writing, even though you can write about whatever you want, there’s still expectations, like a narrative and for things to make sense. this is great. no rules, no expectations for it to be entertaining or interesting, just putting down whatever i want. i could do this all day. but i think that’s what crazy people do. crazy people write pages and pages of rambling and incoherent thoughts. will i go crazy if i keep writing paragraph upon paragraph of whatever pops into my head? or is this just like a diary? is there a difference between a diary and the ramblings of someone insane? is the difference that one is written by an insane person? if so i guess the writing is not the cause of the insanity, so i’m probably safe. not that writing alone can cause insanity, but things like ignoring the outside world in favor of writing everything you feel like probably could. i mean, most unhealthy behavior could probably cause insanity if done for long enough. is this unhealthy? spending a long time writing down everything i feel like without rhyme or reason? IS this any different than a diary? i have no idea. ok this is creeping me out now.

i really should exrecise more often, i used to get a good amount, with walking home from the train station every day, as well as walking whenever i went anywhere with friends, but now i literally just sit on my ass all day. my ass is literally numb atm. ok i’m feeling a bit more motivated now, i think i’ll start on my math homework. as soon as i was nearly halfway through that sentence my motivation dropped again... idk wtf is up with me, is it normal for feelings to change within seconds and then go back again? i had like, 3 seconds of motivation and then it left. it just came back, and then promptly left again, i feel like emotions are the ocean waves right now (not trying to sound poetic just can’t think of another way to put it) like, for a few seconds i felt good, then it left, then came back, what’s up with this? my feelings aren’t usually this fickle. maybe it’s just that i’m hyper aware of them right now since i’m writing it down in real time. that’s probably it. anyway, gonna get up and stretch, but i don’t think this will be my last post for today.