#i had no business listening to it at 15 years old but almost 10 years later it's still. in my head

[hematomes]

this song dealt irreversible damage on me

[strniohoeee]

GHOSTFACE MATT

What’s Wrong?

Pairing: Matt Sturniolo X Female Reader

Synopsis: Y/N has never really cared if she was alone or not, but with a recent scare she preferred to be with Matt. However what happens when he doesn’t show up when he’s supposed to, and doesn’t answer his texts?💬

Warnings⚠️: SMUTTTTT, fingering, ermmm mirror kink???, choking (not really though), glove kink?? Idk ENJOY THOUGH??? Love yall fr fr 😼

Song for imagine: Butterflies- Isabel LaRosa

Scared

Adjective

Fearful; frightened

Having the house to myself was nice, but not having any friends did not make it fun. Whenever my parents left town Matt and his brothers would stay with me.

I was never one to be afraid of loneliness, but last week I walked out onto my porch to throw trash away, and was greeted by a bear 10 feet away from me. Let’s just say being alone now has frightened me a bit.

Matt found it funny, but I know damn well if he was in the position of becoming a bear's dinner he’d be scared shitless too. Ignoring his lack of pity I just begged him to constantly stay the night.

Having a 22 year old daughter living at home meant my parents took month long vacations. And I could not go another three weeks without Matt by my side.

Matt left early this morning for a busy day full of meetings and shooting content. I had spent most of the day cleaning like a mad man. So as I stood in the kitchen running my hands through my freshly blown out hair I thought of him. Deciding to give him a call

“Hey babe” He said cheerfully picking up the phone

“Hi baby, I thought you’d be home by now” I said looking over at the clock, reading 10:45pm

“Yeah I’m sorry we got caught up in filming. I’m cleaning up the apartment now and I’ll be over in like 15 minutes” he said shuffling around

“Okay, I’ll see you soon. I love you and drive safe” I said smiling into the phone call

“I will and I love you too baby” he replied before hanging up the phone

Deciding I wanted to watch a movie and eat some snacks I decided on just that. Placing a popcorn bag in the microwave I walked over to the TV and put it on. Scrolling to Max I decided to put on 500 Days of Summer.

Before walking back to the kitchen I walked over to the sliding doors and double checked that it was locked. Sliding the curtains shut. Slightly jumping as the microwave beeped

I chuckled to myself before grabbing the popcorn and a cherry coke. Plopping down on the couch I began to eat my snack as I watched the movie.

Only then when I paused the movie, seeing the time stamp at 30 minutes I began to worry. Matt should’ve been here like 15 minutes ago.

Shrugging my shoulders I decided to text him

Hey baby, hope you’re doing okay? Text me back, you have me worried:(

Receiving nothing back I thought it was strange, but nothing extremely out of the ordinary. Placing my garbage in the can I walked to the sink to wash my cup.

Dumping the ice in the sink I jumped as I swore I heard a thump. Quickly shutting the water off I perked my ears up to listen closely.

But to no avail, so I shook my head and finished washing the cup. As I placed it on the drying rack I heard a thump again.

Freezing I didn’t know what to do. Either there’s a killer outside or a bear and honestly I wasn’t planning on finding that answer out.

Taking a deep breath I walked over to the living room where I left my phone and looked down seeing that Matt still hadn’t answered my message

Getting really worried I went to text him again when I heard the thump against the patio door again.

Clutching my phone close to me I swung the curtains open and flickered the outside light on. Staring outside with shaky hands and a shaky breath I saw nothing. Not even a brush of wind

Letting out a breath and shutting my eyes I turned the outside light off. Standing there staring into the darkness I almost felt silly for being so worked up over nothing.

Suddenly a dark shadow appears in front of the glass door, their hand slams against the glass as their face comes closer. Covered in a ghostface mask.

Not being able to move all I could do was scream bloody murder. The scream startled the person and they scurried to pull their mask off

Revealing Matt with his hands up and yelling through the glass

“It’s just me baby, it’s just me I’m so sorry” He said laughing

Unlocking the sliding the door I swung it open, as Matt was walking in I started to smack him in the chest and arms

“What’s the matter Y/N? Looks like you’ve seen a ghost?” He said laughing as he held the mask above his head while looking down at me

“Why would you fucking do that I thought I was going to die” I said upset and annoyed

“Baby I thought you would’ve figured it was me, I’m so sorry I never meant to scare you like that” he said, sliding the mask off completely and chucking it on the couch.

“Not cool asshole” I said rolling my eyes at him and throwing myself down on the couch

Strolling over to me he sunk onto the couch too,

“I’m sorry baby” he replied kissing my shoulder

“It’s okay, I swore it was that damn bear coming back for my ass” I replied laughing a bit

Running his hand up my leg not realizing his hands were still clad in those leather gloves. My body stiffening a bit as I got a bit intrigued

“I’m really sorry my love, it’s just we bought the costume for a video and I thought I could pull a prank on you, but it was mean” he said giving me a kiss

“You owe me” I replied laughing

Raising his brow I knew he got a filthy idea in his head.

“I know of a few ways” he replied slyly

“Oh yeah?” I replied raising my own eyebrows

Leaning over to kiss me I dodged his kiss and got up, running towards the stairs.

“Hey where do you think you’re going” he replied hot on my tail

“Away from youuu” I replied giggling as I turned swiftly to run up the stairs

Grabbing my ankle before I could get halfway up the stairs I fell to my knees.

“Naughty girl” he replied closing his hand up my leg and gripping my ass

“Please don’t kill me Mr. ghostface I wanna be in the sequel” I replied in a half moan

“I don’t know that you will be” he said lowly

Turning me over to face him he looked down at me as my breathing began to quicken.

Leaning forward we smashed our lips together, one of his arms holding onto the railing as he slowly grinded into me. Moaning against him I allowed my back to arch up a bit.

Sliding his mouth down to my jawline and then to my neck.

“You’re not scared of me are ya?” He replied ghosting his lips over my ear

“No, how could I be” I replied shivering

Smirking at me he stepped over me and began to pull me by my arm. Basically dragging me up the steps. Following him like a lost dog. Basically foaming at the mouth for him

Sitting on the bed he spread his legs and slammed me down in between him. Right in front of our mirror.

“I want you to watch yourself, watch how you tremble for me” he replied breathing heavily

I was so turned on right now I was in complete bliss. My body involuntarily squirming around at his words. Pulling my shirt off of me my breast fell. His eyes never leaving the mirror

“Look how beautiful you are and all for me” he replied as he slowly kneaded my breasts

“Fuck Matt” I moaned bucking my hips

“It’s okay” he whispered in a chuckle

The leather gloves sent chills down my spine.

As he played with my nipples I threw my head back, connecting our lips. Rolling my hips as our makeout became more messy. A string of saliva connecting us once he pulled away

Kissing my jawline down to my neck. Gently kissing me as his hands kneaded my breasts.

“Please Matt I need more” I replied moaning as I stared at his side profile

“You don’t need it, you want it” he replied as he looked at me through the mirror

“Please Matt” I whined

“I like the way you sound when you beg” he replied lowly

Spreading my legs open with his own he held me up by my abdomen with his left arm and slowly slid his right arm up

“Open” he said as his leather clad hand slid up to my mouth, obeying I opened my mouth and swirled my tongue around the squeaky material

Sliding his fingers out he slid them down my body causing me to shiver, and ultimately landed at my waistband of my pajama shorts

“Please Matt please” I said whining now and gripping the bed sheets

Dipping his hand into my waistband he grazed his fingers back and forth before sinking his hand into my underwear.

Immediately the sound of my wet cunt filling up the quiet room.

“Fuck baby, you’re so wet all for me” he said in a whisper

Rubbing his middle and ring finger up and down, my head fell back as my mouth stood open. Curling my toes as he agonizingly slid his fingers up and down

My chest heaving rapidly as I couldn’t form a sentence. Suddenly he sank two fingers into me. My back arching as I moaned loudly

“OH MY GODDDDDD” I moaned out as my eyes screwed shut

The sound of my arousal getting louder as I begged him.

His left hand sliding up around my neck, not to choke me but to hold me. Turning my head to kiss him, our lips interlocked as his fingers moved faster

His thumb rubbing my clit as his finger moved rapidly

“Fuck fuck fuck” I moaned as my jaw fell slack

“Taking me so well pretty girl” he said as his lips laid against the side of my head

Sliding my shorts down he spread my legs even wider as he began to finger me rapidly again.

Looking at us through the mirror I stood there dumbly. My mouth hung open as low moans escaped my lips. Clenching down on him every couple of seconds as I reached closer to my orgasm.

Slamming his fingers in me as his left hand came down to rub my clit

“MATTTTT PLEASEEE” I moaned loudly as I felt myself getting closer

“Come on baby, give it to me” he replied as his breathing became shallow

“Im gonna cum” I replied as my brows furrowed and my mouth fell open

Curling his fingers more and rubbing faster, I felt my body shivering. Locking eyes with him in the mirror as my mouth fell open again.

“I’m gonna-I’m gonna cum” I moaned out in shallow breaths

“Come on pretty girl” he replied as his breathing quickened

Clenching down on his fingers I hunched forward as I began to cum on his fingers. My body was shaking as I held eye contact with him.

Moaning his name repeatedly like a mantra. My mind clouded as I saw sparks. This was one of the best orgasms I have ever had.

Helping me ride out my high Matt planted a kiss on my lips as I started to calm down.

Leaning back I slid off of him and laid face down on him.

“Please dress up as ghostface more often” I replied to him as I was catching my breath

“Ahh so the prank does pay off” he said laughing

“If it ends in that everytime then yes” I said back

“I really am sorry for scaring you though” he said kissing my head

“Don’t even worry about that, let’s head to the shower” I replied getting off the bed

“Round 2?” He asked

“I have to repay my baby don’t I” I said winking at him

Smirking at that he jumped up and followed me to the bathroom.

Let's just say I hope he pretends to be ghostface more often…..

The End

I hated this like a lot actually LOLLL, thank yall for sticking around though🥺🖤. Thank you to the 2,442 followers yall are amazing. I was reminiscing about my 150 followers 7 months ago. You are all so amazing. I’m so glad to be back😼🫶🏽

-J💅🏽

[lousypotatoes]

Everyone From The Place

Pt. 1 Pt. 2 Pt. 3 Pt. 4 Pt. 5 Pt. 6 Pt. 7 Pt. 8 Pt. 9 Pt. 10 Pt. 11 Pt. 12

Song Recommendation:

Everybody Loves My Baby - Jack Palmer

Warning! This chapter had mentions of physical/mental abuse and panic attacks, and depictions of mental abuse. If any of these topics trigger you or make you uncomfortable, please read with caution.

90 years ago...

It had been about a month since Y/N and Alastor went out drinking together, the two of them going out every other day, whether it be getting drinks, getting dinner or lunch together, or just the two of them walking around New Orleans.

Y/N would never admit it to anyone, but she was absolutely head over heels in love with Alastor. The way he talked, the way he presented himself, how he was such a gentleman, she loved every part of him and so much more.

Alastor felt the same way about her, maybe even more. The way her face lit up whenever she talked about flowers or Honey, her sense of humor, the way she wasn't afraid to speak her mind. She didn't know it, but she had Alastor wrapped around her finger.

And he loved every single second of it.

"That'll be three dollars, ma'am," Y/N said smiling, handing over the bouquet of lilies to the woman.

"Thank you, dear," the old woman smiled, handing Y/N money. "You have a lovely shop,"

"Well, thank you kindly," Y/N said. "I'm guessin' you're visitin' from outta town?"

"How did you know?" the woman asked.

"Every soul here in New Orleans has stepped foot in my shop at least once," Y/N said, handing the woman her change.

"For good reason," the woman said. "It's very impressive what you've done with the place. Not a lot of women can say that they own a thriving business. Especially during these trying times."

"Ah, I get that a lot," Y/N said. "Where you from anyway? If you don't mind me askin' of course."

"A small little town in Kansas," the woman said. "My daughter lives here and I'm visiting for her birthday."

"That's nice," Y/N gushed. "You tell her I said happy birthday. You have a good rest of your day ma'am."

"You as well, dear," the woman said as she walked out the door.

Y/N took the cash from the register and put it in the back room. While she was in there, she checked her schedule. She was glad that she didn't have to kill anyone that night. Even though she had been doing it for 15 years, the job left her exhausted and sleep deprived.

Who knew being an assassin was such hard work?

Walking out the backroom door, she saw a familiar face, looking at the arrange of flowers, holding a brown paper bag.

"What'll it be today Alastor?" Y/N said loudly, making him jump.

"Don't scare me like that, dear," he said, adjusting his coat. "I could of knocked over the flowers."

"You tip over any of them vases, you're payin' the bill," she laughed. "Besides, that was payback for all the times you've scared me."

"All right, all right," Alastor said, walking over to the counter. "I'll take these here marigolds."

"Marvelous pick," Y/N said. "That'll be four bucks,"

"How's business today?" Alastor asked, taking out money.

"Slow, but that's because no one wants to come outta their house, it's so hot out here," Y/N laughed. "How was the broadcast this morning? I didn't get the chance to listen to it."

"It went alright," he said, taking his change. "There were these women who kept trying to wriggle their way into the station, though."

"Seems like you have some mighty eager fans," she giggled. "What's in the bag?"

"Oh! I almost forgot! Thank you for reminding me," he said, handing her the brown bag. "I figured you wouldn't want to go out in this blistering heat, so I fetched you some lunch."

Y/N was touched. "You didn't have to do that, Al,"

"Yes, but I wanted to,"

Y/N reached into the bag. "Oh! You got me gumbo!" she exclaimed, her face lighting up in the way Alastor loved. "How'd you know?"

"I remember you telling me once," Alastor smiled.

"Thank you so much Alastor!" Y/N said. "Tell you what, tomorrow night, swing by my place and I'll whip up a batch of jambalaya for you."

Alastor's face turned red, the two of them had never been to each others house before. The only times were when Alastor would pick Y/N up for their outings together. Him only ever stepping foot in her living room.

"You don't have to do that, Y/N," Alastor said, covering his blushing face.

"Nonsense!" Y/N waved off. "It's the least I can do for you, fetchin' me lunch."

"Well, if you insist, my dear," Alastor said. "Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I have to make it to my-"

"-2'oclok broadcast. Yes I know," Y/N interrupted. "I know the routine by heart now."

Alastor smiled, taking Y/N's hand in his "I shall see you tomorrow then, Y/N." he said, kissing her knuckle.

"I'm lookin' forward to it already," Y/N blushed.

Looking at her face one more time, smiling gently to himself, he left the store.

When he left, Y/N started giggling to herself. She was so in love with him. She felt like a giddy schoolgirl. She was so distracted that she didn't even hear the bell ring, signaling that a customer came in.

"Seems like you finally got this establishment up and runnin'," said a voice that made Y/N freeze, her eyes widening.

She turned and saw a man with wavy brown hair and cold eyes. Someone that made her blood freeze and goosebumps appear all over her skin. Someone that made her skin go pale and her breathing quicken. Someone that made her freeze in fear.

"What? So startled by my appearance that you're speechless?" the man smirked.

"W-What-" she stuttered, finding her voice. "What in God's name are you doin' here, Jasper?"

"Ain't I allowed to visit my fiancé at work?" Jasper said, coming closer to the counter.

"That was fifteen years ago!" she said, backing into the wall. "Me and you are nothin' now!"

"Just because I ended up behind bars doesn't mean we're finished,"

"That's exactly what that means!" she yelled. "You know you can't be within fifty feet of me. Now leave before I call the cops!"

Jasper didn't say anything, instead picking up a vase of carnations, admiring them.

CRASH!

Glass shards and flowers were scattered all over the floor.

"Oops," Jasper said.

"I mean it Jasper!" Y/N said. "Get the fuck out!"

"Don't you dare talk to me like that again, you worthless bitch," he said, a dangerous look in his eyes. "Unless you want me to beat you to a bloody pulp, just like old times."

Y/N backed into the wall, lost for words.

For the first time in fifteen years, Y/N felt scared.

"Just go away, Jasper," she whispered. "Please. I don't want any trouble."

Jasper didn't say anything, instead picking up another vase and dropping it onto the floor.

Without another word, Jasper left.

As soon as he was out of sight, Y/N's body shut down, her having to grab onto the counter to support herself. She let out a sob she didn't even know she was holding in, her cries bouncing off the flower shop walls, and her tears streaming down her face.

After about ten minutes of this, she got out a broom, and started sweeping up the glass shards and flowers. After she was done, she leaned up against the wall. Looking up at the clock above her, she saw that it was only two-fifteen.

"I need a drink," she said, exhausted.

It was now five-thirty, Y/N was sitting at the bar, sipping on her fourth thing of whiskey.

As soon as she closed up the flower shop, she decided to walk to Mimzy's bar, not bothering to go home and change.

She was there for about thirty minutes. Mimzy had been over to check on Y/N during those, sensing that she wasn't okay. Y/N had told Mimzy she was alright and that she just wanted to be left alone. Mimzy listened and told her that her drinks were free for the rest of the time she was there.

Already deciding before she got there, Y/N didn't want to get blackout drunk, but just drunk enough to where she would forget her and Jasper's interaction.

Sipping on her whiskey, Y/N felt angry at herself. She could have shot that asshole right in his head if she wanted to, she was an assassin for crying out loud.

But Jasper was the one person she was genuinely afraid of.

"Why aren't you smiling, my dear?" said a voice from behind her. "You know you're never fully dressed without one."

"Hi, Alastor," she said, not even turning to look at him.

Alastor frowned, knowing that something was wrong.

"Are you okay, Y/N?" he asked.

"Yes, I'm fine," she said, keeping her gaze on her glass. "I just had a bad interaction with a customer, that's all."

Alastor stayed silent as he sat down at the bar next to her.

"Would you like to me to keep you company?" he asked gently. "Or would you like me to leave?"

"Stay here," Y/N said, holding back tears. She felt pathetic. "Please."

"Alright then," he said.

"If I would have known you'd be here, I would have invited you," she said, sipping on her whiskey.

"Oh, don't worry about it, dear," he waved off. "I was already thinking about inviting you here anyways."

"Are you quite sure you're alright?" he asked again.

"Yes, I'm quite sure," Y/N said.

"Well in that case," he said, getting up and offering her his hand. "Would you like to dance?"

Y/N smiled before taking his hand.

"You always know the best things to say, Al,"

It was now nine-thirty. During those four hours at the bar, Isabell and Alastor had drank, danced, talked, laughed, and smoked. Isabell was glad that Alastor showed up randomly out of the blue. She always felt better when Alastor was close by.

Alastor didn't tell Y/N this, but Mimzy had actually called her, saying "You better get your fuckin' ass over here. Something ain't right with your girl."

As soon as he hung up the phone, he headed straight to Mimzy's bar.

Right now, Alastor was currently walking Y/N home, the two of them talking about his mother's jambalaya recipe.

"Think your ma would be willin' to share her recipe?" Y/N asked.

"I don't think she'd have an issue with it," he answered. "You'd have to meet her first."

"Oh, I would love to meet your ma!" she said. "Do you think she'd like me?"

"She already adores you, darling,"

"I'm guessin' you've talked to your ma about me then?" Y/N giggled seeing Alastor's blushing face.

"What's not to talk about?" Alastor replied, making Y/N's face turn red.

They reached Y/N's house, the two of them walking up to her front porch. They were facing each other, Y/N was looking up at Alastor, while Alastor was looking down at Y/N, the two of them so close together.

"Thank you for helpin' me take my mind off today, Al," she said, looking up at him in a way that made Alastor's breath get caught in his throat.

"It really wasn't a problem, dear, you don't have to thank me," he said. "If you need help with anything, anything at all, please don't hesitate to ask."

"Are we still set for jambalaya tomorrow night?"

"I wouldn't miss it for the world,"

It was quiet, the two of them not saying a word.

Oh, how desperately the two of them wanted to wrap their arms around each other and kiss until they had to break apart for air.

The air between them was thick, and heavy with tension.

Alastor's eyes flickered to Y/N's lips and back to her eyes.

"Y/N..." he swallowed hard. "May I...is it alright if I kiss you?"

"Yes," Y/N whispered. "It's alright."

As gentle as he possibly could, he lifted up her chin with his fingers.

Alastor hesitated for a moment, the look on his face asked 'Are you sure this is alright?'

Y/N nodded slowly and Alastor closed the gap between them, placing his lips on hers.

His lips were soft and warm and tasted like cinnamon. Just like everything else he did, his touch was gentle. It made Y/N feel like her heart was about to burst out of chest. Testing out the fields, she very slowly and shyly moved her hands to the back of his neck.

Alastor tensed up for a moment, but relaxed, moving his hands and placing them on her hips. The way their lips moved perfectly against each other made Alastor's heart melt. The way he was feeling in that moment, he was addicted to it like a drug and wanted more of it.

Like a starved man, Alastor craved Y/N's touch.

After what seemed like an eternity, the two of them finally broke apart, breathing heavily.

"Oh, you have no idea how long I've been wanting to do that, dear," Alastor breathed out, kissing her forehead.

"Oh, I think I do," Y/N said. "How about one more? To make up for lost time?"

"You read my mind," he laughed before placing his lips on hers once more.

THEY KISSED RAHHHHHHH

literally i am so happy

i wanna give alastor a big o'l kiss

stay safe and drink lots of water <33

xoxo, Izzy

Taglist 💋

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[89words]

1. Looking across the tracks of the subway and seeing someone in the window of the opposite train, someone who is reading the perfect book and who wears that familiar combination of tired and hopeful on their delicate features. 2. Stirring your coffee in a small, quiet café where the music is just soft enough to remind you that it is playing every so often when you look up from your notebook. 3. Exchanging a few jokes with a charming stranger stuck in the same endless, bureaucratic line as you, reminding you that you are not alone in your battle with everyday tedium. 4. Sitting on the beach with old friends whom you are visiting for a few weeks in the summer, when the weather is just hot enough to permit you to stay out all night and enjoy one another’s company in a way you were always too busy to do. 5. Reading old chats and messages and letters with people you used to love, and remembering what it is about them that was so wonderful. 6. Looking at pictures where you are smiling in that unflattering way you almost never allow yourself to do, but you couldn’t help it because you were surrounded by people who made you just that happy. 7. Kissing outside at night when you’ve had just enough to drink that your cheeks are tingling and you are afraid that the words “I love you” might fall out of your mouth all by themselves. 8. Hearing someone tell you something that they’ve never told anyone before, because they never felt like anyone would really listen and actually understand. 9. Seeing someone be kind when they think that no one is looking, because they know it is simply the right thing to do. 10. Finding out that an old love is getting married to someone who is so much more right for them that you could have ever been, and realizing that you can love someone and not ever want them for yourself again. 11. Sitting at a restaurant by yourself and getting so deeply lost in your book that you forget you are even alone, and you feel as though you are on a date with the world’s most interesting person. 12. Telling someone that you’re happy for them, and watching their whole face light up with well-earned pride when they realize that you actually mean it. 13. Waiting at the bus stop and seeing the most perfect person in the most perfect outfit who is looking at the map with just as little understanding as you once did when you were new in the city. 14. Realizing that someone who is so very beautiful does not imagine themselves to be anything special. 15. Hearing someone say “If there’s anything I can do to help, let me know” and knowing that you can ask them anything and they would do their best to follow through. 16. Visiting someone when they are sick and seeing the way their eyes light up at the soup and juice you brought them. 17. Sitting in the movie theater with someone and watching them laugh out of the corner of your eye when they think something is really, really funny. Watching their dimples and eye creases form and wishing they knew just how wonderful every little line on their face is. 18. Seeing someone at the gym who is having just as hard a time as you but is still going at it every day. 19. Reading something online that makes you cry, alone, at your computer, simply because it makes you feel — in a way you are rarely lucky enough to feel — that there are other people like you. 20. Running into an old friend at the store and letting it bleed into a long coffee where you talk about every subject that you didn’t even realize had been lying dormant inside of you for years, longing to be confirmed and expressed and understood. 21. Looking across the restaurant at the couple who is too happy to notice anyone around them, and realizing that sometimes we can get a contact high, a little burst of pure joy, just from seeing people who are that in love. 21 Places You Will Fall In Love by Chelsea Fagan

[ashesandhackles]

Beyond the Veil (masterpost)

Co-written with @thedreamermusing

Sirius Black/Severus Snape. 97k.

A canon-divergent rewrite of Half Blood Prince and Deathly Hallows that follows the relationship between Sirius Black and Severus Snape. Think of it as mine and Dreamer's character study with romance.

Our list of chapters (and tiny previews where you can see we have experimented with multiple POVs) under the cut! Also a Snape and Lily prequel written by @thedreamermusing here: January 30th, 1975 (Happy Birthday Lily)

Chapter 1 - Prologue

Time was a standstill in these long hallways and empty rooms, full of memories that ticked under his skin like a pulse under a livid bruise.

Chapter 2 - changing perceptions

He was tempted to laugh, laugh like a maniac, at the absurdity, the injustice, out of grief--let out all his curled up emotions in a big hearty laugh. But then again, that hadn't worked out so well for him 15 years ago.

Chapter 3 - 12 Grimmauld Place meets Spinner's End

What Pettigrew lacked in skill; he made up for in malice.  This seemingly pusillanimous creature hid within him a rusty sword whose efficiency lay not in the sharpness of the blade, but in the unnoticed poison of the rust.

Chapter 4- Enemy of my Enemy

"I brought him here because I finally see the advantages of being brawny rather than brainy," Snape smirked.

Chapter 5 - The Prince and Padfoot

"You disgust me.” rang over and over in his head like a church bell, a judgement in a confessional, a whisper that haunted his ears when he dreamed and lay awake, sometimes unable to tell the difference.

Chapter 6 - Monsters and Old School Friends

His wildness hung over him like an aura of a predator. Long-limbed, lax, but there was danger bubbling within him, an inexplicable ferocity that filled the air around him. How could anyone else not see that monster?

Chapter 7 - Circular Path

When Severus saw it for the first time, he was amazed. It was an answer to a question he had all his life, a representation of what could be built if he just reached out for the future and grabbed it with greedy hands. Now, as Narcissa opened the door with a stone face belied by the terror in her eyes, he was able to see the Manor for what it really was--a mouldering dump of pureblood affectations that concealed its decay as well as Grimmauld Place accentuated it.

Chapter 8 - Tale of Two Black Stars

Severus had known all along how to see who held the room. It was ingrained in him since he was a child. In Spinner's End, it was his father. A looming presence of overbearing violence that his mother, his magical mother, cowered against. He noticed it again in the playground - where Lily flew in air, in a burst of extraordinarily controlled magic. 

Chapter 9 - The Wounds of Men

He did not know where their sudden leap of faith for the ferret came from ( “C’mon mate, I know Malfoy is a git but Death Eater is serious business!” ), but it made him feel stupid and ridiculous--it was almost as if he was back at Aunt Petunia’s, listening to her sweet talk the neighbours about Harry’s delinquency. ( “He told you he sleeps under a cupboard? A nasty, nasty lie! But the poor dear has got no one else; his parents didn’t leave us any money as well. It’s been such a strain on our finances…” 

Chapter 10 - By The Light of The Full Moon

The first week at Azkaban was truly horrendous. Peter valued his mind - it was his best weapon and it helped him fade into the background. Losing the ability to think clearly, unable to tell dreams and memories apart; it was a sensation that terrified him. It felt like getting sucked into the quicksand of his resentment and anger and guilt that he kept at bay. He didn’t want to feel it. What use were those emotions, if they failed to help him survive?

Chapter 11 - Face Death in Hope

Death, Pain - all unavoidable things. Things he had to play with - in hope that one day, he would be able to expiate what he was carrying.  He would not live to see it, he was sure. But he could hope. The only relief he had is that he would not die by his - Gellert’s- hand. “I am the only one who should be allowed to kill you,” he had said, a declaration, a threat - he wasn’t sure. “It is me that keeps you alive.”

Chapter 12 - Who Are You?

He was a son of the House of Malfoy, a noble house, one of the sacred 28, whose line went back generations. Their legacy was set in stone, the purity of their blood unquestioned. It infuriated him that nobody recognised that--that Potter, with his filthy mixed blood and mudblood mother--didn’t recognise that. And now, it had become so much worse. His father was a laughingstock. His mother looked pale and frightened all the time. It was up to him to bring things back to normal.

Chapter 13 - The Last Enemy (Part 1)

There were so many things that he thought were forgotten, so many memories whose life and colour had been drained away by grief and Azkaban. But standing here in the square, it was clear that they had always been there. He had felt something similar after walking into the doors of Grimmauld Place for the first time, but the only memories rising to surface there were of misery long-replaced. Here, every bit of youthful joy and love rose and flickered through his mind like stained-glass colours through snow, and every unremarkable step they had ever made on the square seemed precious in a fragile kind of way. 

Chapter 14 - Shedding the Maker's Skin

“Lyall Lupin,” Fenrir said, smiling at the infinitesimal jerk Remus’ body gave. “I knew you came from money, boy. You’re his son, aren’t you?”

Remus went cold. 

“Soulless, evil and deserving of nothing but death,” Fenrir quoted. “That is what he believes.”

A rage Remus had never felt before was travelling up his spine, fossilising hatred into the marrow of his bones.

Chapter 15 - Ozymandias

Once upon a time, Voldemort had looked at Snape and seen a mirror, a broken mirror of course, because Severus did not have even a shadow of his charisma, charm, looks, or skill. But even so, when Severus had come to him, an angry, profoundly gifted young half-blood brewing with hatred over his Muggle heritage, he had been so hopeful at his promise. They had both seemed to view the world in the same way; they both understood that magic was where power lay. Magic had made Voldemort immortal and then mortal again. They both respected it in a way nobody else did, and Voldemort had thought he found someone who could equal Bellatrix’s esteem. 

But Severus’s weakness had been disgustingly banal. To think that it was lust of all things to claim him, and lust for a plain Mudblood at that. And now, it was the same, only for Lucius’s dullard of a wife.

Chapter 16 - In Noctem (Carry My Soul)

The idea of it makes me feel ill. He is no longer whole; his soul is distorted. He is no better than those vile creatures that guard Azkaban. He intended to murder Kreacher, who has been serving our family for generations. Our family, whose blood is pure and unbroken, has been used to destroy the soul of a magical being. It has become clear to me now. This monster will ruin us all more than any mudblood ever will. 

Chapter 17 - Wings to the Kingdom

Until the time Death claims me, let the moth sing to your bones: I loved you since I saw you. I loved you when I hated you. I loved you when you betrayed us. I loved you when you destroyed me. 

Yours, Gellert.

Chapter 18 - The Last Enemy (Part 2)

The window brought in a draft of salt as Remus cut up chicken for the Order lunch.  Tonks was just beside him, mashing the potatoes with zeal, her arm brushing up against his own on occasion. He felt embarrassed, it was ridiculous the degree to which any proximity to her affected him. It was the isolation of the cottage, he thought, that seemed to keep them away from the dark cloud hovering above them.  It was the rhythm of the sea, a comforting lullaby of a different world, a different life.

Chapter 19 - A Lament in the Ashes

Where is my golden palace? Where is my ivory bed? Where is the joy of my morning hour? Where the Sons of Eternity are singing, Draco thumbed through the book from the shelves in the bedroom. Years ago, he would have scoffed at the idea of perusing a book of poetry written by a Muggle.

Chapter 20 - Epilogue

“It must be nice,” he said. “To start again every time you die. You can make as many mistakes as you want and be reborn from them.” 

Fawkes trilled. The corner of Serverus’s mouth lifted. 

[miseryinyou]

This song means the world to me. And it has for 20 years.

When this song came out I was 7 years old. I was an undiagnosed autistic girl. I had an abusive dad, an emotionally immature mother, and a younger brother I felt responsible to take care of and protect.

We were a low-income family. Money was tight enough that it was something a 7 year old worried about regularly.

I had no friends. I was academically gifted but school was a living nightmare. I wasn't bullied exactly. I was excluded. I was whispered about (rudely) when I was just within earshot. Kids were rarely rude to my face. But that didn't change the fact that I didn't have friends no matter how nice I was or how hard I worked to act "normal".

This song was on a loop for me between the ages of 7 and 18.

My parents finally got divorced when I was ten. We went no contact with my dad. But life just got more complicated and more painful in different ways. Home life continued to be toxic.

I got diagnosed with autism at 15 but that didn't actually make life any easier either. My mom dismissed it. My brother used the diagnosis as a weapon. My dad still doesn't know. I didn't get any accommodations or help with the things that I struggle with. I still don't. I just continue to use 99% of my energy masking and collapse into a useless puddle the second I don't have to be with people and I've completed the required life chores.

I never made a friend (not for lack of trying).

At 18 I finished high school, moved for university and worked hard to get a degree in engineering. It took me almost 7 years to finish a 4 year degree. For multiple reasons that I don't want to get into. The point - I barely listened to music for 7 years. I was busy. I was exhausted. I just didn't make time.

I'm now 27. Back living in my toxic mother's home for the past 1.5 years. Feeling like a failure. I have a job as a mechanical engineer (which I hate) and a paycheck too small to swing a studio/1bdrm rental. I'm drowning in student loans. I have no friends to split rent with. At 27 I've still never made a friend. I live like a monk. I go to work, come home, buy groceries, buy gas for the car. If I need something that can't be purchased at the grocery store I order it online.

I've been having a particularly bad year (for a lot of reasons) but an extremely bad week. I have cried so much in the past 72 hours that my eyelids are cracked and bleeding.

I heard this song again today, for the first time in probably 10 years. It felt like a hug.

[chiskz]

《 𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐘 𝐊𝐈𝐃𝐒 𝐗 𝐍𝐘𝐋𝐎𝐍 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟑 》

♡taglist: @alyszaen , @smh-anon , @neohyxn , @stealanity

_______________________

♡ 𝟓𝟎 𝐐𝐔𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐀𝐍𝐒𝐖𝐄𝐑𝐒

1. How did you get your name? If you know the reason, please let us know.

CC: Ichi means "one"! I chose this name myself, wanting to become number 1, hahaha.

2. What nickname were you called when you were little?

CC: I didn't have nicknames.

3. What does your family call you?

CC: By my full name.

4. What is your unique charm point?

CC: I'm the best listener in the world.

5. When you were a student, what subjects did you take pride in and what were you not good at?

CC: I was good at a little bit of everything, but nothing in particular.

6. Do you organize your computer desktop and smartphone apps? Do you keep them downloaded?

CC: No, I leave them as they are because my brain quickly gets used to their original arrangement.

7. Do you organize your cameraroll?

CC: I only delete photos if needed.

8. What's your current smartphone wallpaper?

CC: Sleeping I.N.

9. If you were to spend your time off with the members, who would you be with and what would you do?

CC: I want to visit Cat Island with Lee Know.

10. If you had 1 day off?

CC: I would finish the kdrama I started.

11. If you had 1 month off?

CC: I would visit Japan and hang out with my friends.

12. What are your personal preferences for your room and interior?

CC: Sensory board in my room.

13. When you're busy at work or things aren't going as planned, what do you do to refresh yourself?

CC: Work out.

14. What's your favorite number?

CC: 1 and 9!

15. What do you always do everyday?

CC: Bother my members, hahaha.

16. What was the best thing you ate recently?

CC: Cheese ramen.

17. What made you laugh the most recently?

CC: Seungmin makes me laugh every day, so it must have been something he said.

18. What made you surprised recently?

CC: One of my favorite restaurants has closed.

19. What have you searched for recently?

CC: Food delivery website. I still didn't download the app, hahaha.

20. What was your recent dream about?

CC: I don't really have dreams.

21. What do you do when you can't sleep at night?

CC: I go to the room of one of my members, I fall asleep with someone immediately.

22. Is your sleeping position good or bad?

CC: ... I do my best 😭

23. If you could use one magic?

CC: Healing.

24. What would you do if a zombie appeared in front of you?

CC: I would teach him "God's Menu" choreography and debut him ASAP.

25. What frightens you the most in this world?

CC: Being alone.

26. Who is the quickest member to reply messages?

CC: I.N, Felix and me.

27. Which member easily succumbs to loneliness the most?

CC: Me. I can't stand being alone.

28. Which member has the biggest gap between on stage and the usual?

CC: I.N's gap has increased recently. He's getting more confident on stage and his facial expressions are really eye-catching. Offstage, he's still his calm, fluffy self.

29. What do you always do before you go on stage?

CC: Pee.

30. How do you relieve tension?

CC: By using sensory toys. I have plenty of them.

31. Of the 9, what is the thing you're second to none?

CC: I believe it's weightlifting.

32. What are some unforgettable scenes and happenings from your world tour so far?

CC: Energy of STAY is different and equally amazing in every country, so every concert is unforgettable!

33. It's almost the 4th anniversary of your debut and 5th anniversary of Stray Kids. Do you remember when you were 4-5 years old?

CC: 5 years old? That's when I went outside with my sister when it was cold and caught the fateful flu!

34. What do you feel has changed the most since 4 years ago?

CC: My self-esteem.

35. Which member do you think has changed the most since 4 years ago?

CC: I think we've all changed. We have matured.

36. What kind of artist do you want to be 5 years from now on?

CC: I want to be an artist whose fans are proud to listen to him.

37. What would you like to do in 2023?

CC: I want to keep studying. I am thinking about further studies in the field of law and constantly improving my choreography skills.

38. Tell us about the members' TMI today!

CC: I fell asleep in the living room with Bang Chan today.

39. What are the members' standard way of living in the dormitory?

CC: After all, hardly anyone here likes to eat alone, so each of us is always looking for a companion.

40. When do you feel the most joy in doing your job?

CC: When I run around the stage with my members and STAY do nothing but cheer loudly!

41. If possible, can you praise yourself?

CC: It's not possible.

42. What would you like to do with STAY?

CC: Watch funny things on Y*uT*be together and eat popcorn!

43. What do you like about Stray Kids?

CC: Each of them is unique and different, but we all share common dreams and goals. We're family.

44. Any studying tips for STAY?

CC: Use colors in your notes, but don't overdo it! Optimally, 3 to 4 different colors should be used.

45. How do you feel about the fact that you've recently started contributing to songwriting as well?

CC: I thought I would never do it because I was never good with my words. The members, however, inspired me enough that the words came by themselves.

46. So far, you are the only one from Stray Kids to have released your solo album, a digital one. Do you feel better as a soloist or a member of a group?

CC: Ah no no, I've never been a soloist, I've never debuted solo! I keep emphasizing that it's the "CHICHI OF STRAY KIDS" ' album because I want it to be clear. I don't like being alone so soloist's life is not for me.

47. Do members consult you for Japanese language advice?

CC: Yes, although they are already quite good at it themselves! Mostly I work with 3RACHA when it comes to Japanese songs, I help translate or write them.

48. What's the song you can't stop listening to lately?

CC: "Antifragile" by LE SSERAFIM! I think I've been listening to this song at least once a day since its release, hahaha.

49. Do you feel that you are the oldest member of Stray Kids?

CC: Absolutely not. Everyone seems to forget about it too and bully Bang Chan about it (I'm sorry Bang Chan!).

50. One message to yourself from the past?

CC: It's hard and it's going to be even harder. But remember that it will also be worth it!

© copyright : questions 1-43 are translated from original nylon interview by @/innifinity on twt!

_______________________

♡ CHICHI in members' answers:

* all members mentioned Chichi as the fastest responder to messages

* all members mentioned Chichi as person who succumbs loneliness the most

* I.N mentioned Chichi as a person who is sometimes more "maknae-line-like" than himself, because she is everywhere, always looking for company and enjoying small things

* Changbin replied that he currently has a photo of Chichi from the restaurant as his phone wallpaper

* Bang Chan, Felix, Hyunjin and Changbin mentioned Chichi as having the biggest personality gap between onstage and offstage ("she seems unapproachable and fierce onstage, but offstage just pat her on the head and she's yours")

♡𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧 𝐭𝐰𝐭

[bloomingdead]

it’s so weird to me how oblivious people are to the reason why adam mcintyre took so long to be taken seriously by the whole internet. i keep seeing posts questioning why this was all swept under the rug three years ago, but the answer is so obvious to me. adam was a child during his relationship with colleen and was still a minor when he came forward about his experiences. most of colleen/miranda’s fans are all underage. most people “grow out of” miranda sings as they get older, and likely never interact with her content again. i have friends who have and i myself grew out of miranda’s content, forgetting about it rather than processing how weird her videos and live shows were. 

 obviously the other people in the same position as him were too young to understand how truly odd it is for a THIRTY+ YEAR OLD WOMAN to be engaging with her underage fans the way she did. they all either had been in or would die to be in adam’s shoes! every teenager would probably shit themselves to directly interact with someone they consider famous or even more so their idol. but as you get older, and you start to understand “oh, actually, that was really weird,” it’s harder to ignore what you or others have gone through. the people adam considered friends who turned against him were all still confused about their position and importance in colleen’s life, but more than half of them probably got dropped (if not all) after her apology in 2020. and that probably made them think, “wait, if colleen thinks our relationship is inappropriate enough to abandon me, then maybe it was inappropriate the whole time.” 

i wouldn’t be surprised to find out that less than 10% of colleen’s fans are over the age of 18. in fact it would be interesting if through all this she is pressured to, or someone does the hacking to, release her analytics information showing that a majority of her fans are ages 12-16. i know i stopped watching her at about 15 years old. i was embarrassed of MY humor, not hers. i closed that chapter of gross, inappropriate, sometimes offensive humor and never looked back. even though she was a grown ass woman promoting the humor she does to a “pg13 audience,” i never thought about it for how serious it was. because i didn’t know, because i was just a kid.

i feel like the internet has just started realizing in the last 5, maybe 7 years, that NO adult/minor internet relationship is appropriate. unless there’s a reason, like work/school/family, there’s no excuse for a famous internet personality to be speaking almost daily with a minor. a minor doesn’t need to know about your relationship issues, work drama, or any weird miniscule details about your life. there’s no reason, with such different stages in each person’s life, to be interacting with one another. 

the reason adam was ignored all those years ago was because an adult who was directly involved called him a liar. to which other adults who see no reason to interact with a minor because they’re not fucking weirdos, went “okay, this minor is not my business” and disappeared from the situation. while other under-18′s who didn’t have the life experience to know better, went along and destroyed adam’s internet presence in favor of colleen. and now, that same adult who was directly involved (kodee tyler) admitted they lied (to save herself from impending fallout), so this situation is back in the spotlight because adults will only listen to other adults. and now, because adam is an adult too, other adults feel comfortable getting the story straight from him.

but anyway, i think we need to stop asking why he was ignored for so long and instead ask ourselves how we can prevent this from happening to other teens on the internet. to me it’s obvious this was able to go on so long because colleen’s internet personality is targeted directly towards minors and so only minors were involved in or witnessed the drama. now they’re old enough to conceptualize what adam (or they themselves) went through, speak out about it, and actually be taken seriously because they have grown into adults themselves.

[homosexuhauls]

The key context of the word I coined in 2008 is that mansplaining is one part of a huge problem – of who gets listened to, and who gets believed

by Rebecca Solnit

Ihave a file on my desktop titled Mansplaining Olympic Tryouts, mostly screenshots of some of the most epic specimens I’ve come across on social media or that people have steered my way. They’re grimly hilarious: a man explaining vaginas to a noted female gynaecologist, a man telling Sinn Féin adviser Siobhán Fenton to read the Good Friday agreement (she replied with a picture of herself with the book she wrote on that agreement), and the famous incident with Dr Jessica McCarty, about which she tweeted: “At a Nasa Earth meeting 10 years ago, a white male postdoc interrupted me to tell me that I don’t understand human drivers of fire, that I def needed to read McCarty et al. I looked him in the eye, pulled my long hair back so he could read my name tag. ‘I’m McCarty et al.’”

The word mansplaining was coined by an anonymous person in response to my 2008 essay Men Explain Things to Me and has had a lively time of it ever since. It was a New York Times word of the year in 2010, and entered the Oxford English Dictionary in 2018; versions of it exist in many other languages from French to Icelandic, and the essay itself has appeared in many languages including Korean and Swedish. People often recount the opening incident in that almost 15-year-old essay, in which a man explained a book to me, too busy holding forth to notice that I was its author, as my friend was trying to tell him.

But pretty briskly the essay moved from the amusing to the terrifying: I then recounted an incident in which a middle-aged man explained to a very young me, chuckling, that when his neighbour ran out of the house naked in the middle of the night screaming that her husband was trying to kill her, he was confident that she was crazy and her husband was not murderous, simply because of his assumptions about gender.

Here’s what almost everyone seems to miss about mansplaining, including those doing the formal studies as well as the people telling the funny stories. It’s one corner of a colossal problem, in which biases, statuses and assumptions warp everyday life and allocate more credibility, audibility and consequence to some people than others. All this creates what I think of as inequality of voice. Whether you’re trying to convince doctors that your pain is real or neighbours that your husband is trying to kill you, it can be a life-or-death issue. It matters in offices, classrooms, conferences, boardrooms, in hospitals, on the street, in bedrooms and at dinner tables.

One high-profile recent incident of people who assumed they had the authority to control the narrative came with the police murder of Tyre Nichols, one of many incidents in recent years where video told a very different story to the one told by the police. Somehow they seem to assume that they have the impunity that comes with controlling the narrative, which in cases like this mean literally expecting to get away with murder. Inequality of voice is one of the most powerful elements of inequality of all kinds. Children and elderly people are routinely treated as incompetent witnesses to their own lives and needs. Poor people, immigrants and people with disabilities are likewise treated as subordinates and incompetents.

Non-white people are too often assumed to be less trustworthy, less qualified to speak and act in many kinds of situation, and – to state the obvious – too often regarded as criminal simply on the basis of colour.

There are a lot of stories about people of colour being assumed to have stolen the vehicles they drive or be the servants at posh gatherings; I’ve heard from some of the latter first-hand. There have been many studies about how often women and people of colour are ignored or disbelieved when they report pain, sickness and injury, and how that impacts health outcomes. Black women in the US have a disproportionate incidence of dangerous medical experiences related to pregnancy and birth because of unequal access to care – and to credibility. Even tennis star Serena Williams was at first dismissed when she reported a postpartum pulmonary embolism.

People have also tried to render the word gender-neutral, which would make it meaningless. We have lots of other words – arrogant wanker, patronising idiot, Dunning-Kruger prize winner, for example – for acts of misplaced condescension. But reducing the issue to incidents of being merely patronised in conversational exchanges misses what matters. A phrase I often use is “dosage is cumulative”. If you spend your life being assumed to be less competent, less qualified to speak and less worthy of being listened to, more likely to be mocked, ignored or insulted, it inhibits your willingness to speak up and participate. So it’s not just what happens in the moment that matters, but how it shapes how we perceive ourselves and others in the long run.

The credibility gap turns into a hugely harmful thing with sexual assault and gender violence, in which men have historically been believed over women. It often brings on victims’ despair about reporting such abuse, because if you will not be believed, and if you will be mocked, shamed, harassed or even criminalised for reporting abuse, why would you bother? Almost all sexual abuse involves a perpetrator with higher social status, and a big part of that status is the ability to control the story and suppress other versions. It’s what serial rapists like Harvey Weinstein and serial child molesters like gymnastics doctor Larry Nassar relied upon during decades-long criminal careers. Inequality of voice isn’t just what happens after such crimes; it’s too often what perpetrators count upon beforehand.

It’s great that the word mansplaining exists, along with spin-offs such as whitesplaining and westsplaining (the latter for North Americans and western Europeans explaining the invasion of Ukraine and eastern European politics with narratives centred on our political histories rather than theirs). But everything loses meaning when it loses context. Mansplaining’s meaning requires the broader context of intersecting inequalities and assumptions that play out in everyday life, with consequences that are occasionally amusing but too often nightmarish. My goal always was to advocate for a democracy of voice, for equality in who gets to speak, who’s heard, and who’s believed and respected when they speak, across all categories.

[ts1989fanatic]

Rise of the Senior Swiftie

It’s not just tweens and teens who are knocked out by Taylor Swift. She’s a hit with the boomers too

Having been a teen in the 60s, I did not, at 73, expect to find anyone new whose music I could love with the passion I brought to the Rolling Stones or Bob Dylan. I certainly didn’t expect that, if I did, it would be Taylor Swift. But the ears want what they want.

I recently learned that I have this in common with our 70-year-old attorney general. Merrick Garland is a proud Swiftie, dropping her lyrics into conversations and even into legal arguments. Shakespearean scholar Sir Jonathan Bate, 64, wrote a piece in The Times of London headlined WHY TAYLOR SWIFT IS A LITERARY GIANT, comparing her favorably to the Bard of Avon. Septuagenarians across the nation can be found posting lengthy analyses of her songs on the Taylor Swift subreddit.

To be sure, we are unconcerned about the Easter eggs she hides in her booklets or Instagrams for her younger followers, or about her love life—though admittedly many of us were creeped out by Matty Healy—but her music, her lyrics, her videos, are spectacular. The ranks of the Senior Swifties are growing.

Her debut album came out in 2006 when she was 16, and it didn’t take long for me and so many of my generation to dismiss her as some serial-dating pop act for teenage girls. Still, I became aware of her reputation for not taking any crap. I liked that she sued the D.J. who, she said, had “grabbed my ass” at a radio station. I liked that she came out, sadly in vain, against Tennessee’s horrific harridan, Senator Marsha Blackburn, and that she preached the importance of voting to her fans.

And I loved how she delivered the greatest F*** You ever to the monsters of the music business by undertaking the not insignificant task of re-recording duplicate versions of her first six albums after the original masters were sold to the notorious music executive Scooter Braun, a man known to her, and others, as an abusive asshole. (The re-recordings ensure that only these new versions, which she owns, can be licensed.) “People often greatly underestimate,” Swift said last year, “how much I will inconvenience myself to prove a point.”

But as for her many years of actual music, I knew almost nothing—until 19 months ago, when I saw her singing her 10-minute version of “All Too Well” on Saturday Night Live. (Who gets to do a 10-minute song on S.N.L.?) By the time that epic performance was over, she’d instantly become one of my all-time favorite artists.

I Bluetoothed that song over and over into my hearing aids, like an audio drug drip. I bought all her albums—15 years of music at that time—and binged them chronologically. Observing her progression from country to pop to pretty much any genre was exhilarating. Her albums were consistently excellent, like albums almost never are these days. It was reminiscent of runs such as Rubber Soul to Abbey Road or Beggars Banquet to Exile on Main St., except she put out twice as many records.

There was one uncomfortable element to becoming so connected to the words and music of this beautiful young woman—yes, the lech factor, which many older male fans have to confront. But as music writer John Milward, 71, a fan from the start, says, “At first, I thought, ‘How can this middle-aged guy be listening to this 16-year-old girl?’ There was a cringy Lolita vibe to it. But then, I didn’t listen to Britney Spears and all that other crap. With Taylor I recognized from the get-go that she was a writer. She was clearly talented.”

More than 200 songs that the world had been living with for years were delightfully new to me, with only maybe a dozen that I would skip when they shuffled on. Sometimes I think about how much fun it would have been to have been taking the ride all along, but then I wouldn’t have been able to have this intense, total-immersion experience.

And yet, for all of her obvious mastery, there is the absurd sense among many—especially my fellow boomers—that it’s somehow uncool to like her. That despite, or maybe because of, her success, she isn’t hip enough to deserve respect. I was raving about her to a friend recently who turned to my wife and asked, “Is he doing a bit?”

I began proselytizing to carefully selected friends and found several converts. They tended to gush when they realized just how much they’d been missing, almost like it was a religious experience.

“Her songs are full of these specific details that just feel totally real,” says writer Steve Radlauer, 74, “like a layer of songwriting artifice has been stripped away and she’s just getting down to it.” (At this point, his 34-year-old daughter overheard him on the phone with me and said, “Oh, the dads are getting into Taylor Swift now?”)

“Her songwriting perspective—and don’t laugh—reminds me of John Lennon,” says music business veteran and longtime fan Toby Mamis, 70. “She writes from a personal point of view about things going on in her life, her insecurities, the same way that John Lennon did.”

The routes to Senior Swiftiedom are varied. Some, like me, were wowed by an extraordinary performance. Others, like Garland, were exposed to her by their kids. And some had to see what the fuss was about when her current sure-to-be-all-time-highest-grossing tour became inescapable news. (No, there’s no A.A.R.P. back route to getting tickets.)

“What she’s doing is historic on so many different levels,” says Mamis. “Besides the brilliant songs, there’s the fan outreach, the tours she designs and performs, the videos she writes and directs. Who else does this? Who else has ever done this? A young fan just says, ‘I love Taylor Swift.’ We Senior Swifties have the perspective to appreciate how rare she is, how unusual she is.”

Gray hair is no impediment to a Swift obsession.

To those of us who have seen music trends rise and fall, there is something unique here. “With Madonna you weren’t really seeing a person, you were just seeing an icon,” my wife, 60, astutely told me. “With Taylor you have the icon, but then there’s also this real person there that’s constantly on show, and that’s what her fans, from 9 to 90, are connecting with. She’s exposed in a way that Madonna never was, but it’s totally controlled exposure.”

And for all the intensity of the devotion of her younger fans, we Senior Swifties can appreciate her on the additional level—the bonus track, if you will—of feeling an almost parental pride in what she’s achieved.

“She’s just classically how you would want your kid to be,” says poet Marilyn Johnson, 68. “You never have to worry that you’re going to hear that she’s gone and bought some heroin and collapsed in an alley.

ts1989fanatic welcome to the senior swiftie squad people, who knew at 64 and my wife at a few years my senior were Boomers even at our age we can learn new things.

[thatonecalledclover]

Okay i think we as a society needs to understand how much teachers influence kids. Like both good and bad. I had a diverse array of teachers back to back through primary and elementary school and the way that they each affected me is insane. For reference i have adhd and had a pretty bad home life so i was very different from the rest of my classmates.

Kindergarten my teacher was Mrs. Miller. Mrs Miller was an absolute sweetheart, she would find ways to keep me focused on lessons, one common way is she would give me a page to color, but would make sure to keep me engaged in the lessons so she knew i was still learning. This made me realize really young that i learn a lot better if i’m doing something with my hands. During nap time (which was mandatory for kindergarten) instead of forcing me to sleep she would grab a book for me and let me sit beside her desk while she graded stuff. I’d also get to draw on the smart board at times, or put together puzzles. (for reference i learned to read at 3 years old, so i was one of the only kids in my class who could read).

1st Grade- I had Mrs. Moss. Mrs Moss was one of the worst teachers i’ve ever had in my opinion. She would repeatedly get onto me for not looking at the board or her at all times, when in reality i was listening and absorbing material fine, just looking for things to keep my brain entertained. Coloring wasn’t allowed, and so i got in trouble routinely for just trying to focus. I turned to tapping my legs, tapping my fingers, wiggling in my chair, just to help me focus. I’d also whisper to my tablemates since they happened to be my friends, and because i would get bored of the lessons. I learned extremely quickly, especially compared to my peers, and would often get really bored since it was essentially just review for me. Eventually Mrs Moss decided i was “too much of a distraction to the other kids” and called my parents in for a meeting. It was recommended that i get diagnosed for ADHD. After my diagnosis i was immediately put on medication (despite my dads protests) and that was that. One thing i will say about medication is that the side affects (at least for me, everyone reacts differently) are awful. I completely lost my personality, i hardly talked to anyone, and i was essentially a zombie.

2nd Grade- I had Mrs Kinney. Mrs Kinney was an angel of teachers. She was made aware of my diagnoses and worked with it amazingly. During lessons i was allowed to walk to the back on the classroom to the library and read, i was given blocks and magnets to stim with. I excelled in the class and finished with 100s all across the board. I think i took like 70 AR tests (tests that kids had to take after they finished a book, i think the required amount for each kid was 10-15). Mrs Kinney really worked with me and made sure that i was always doing my best in the class, while finding ways to keep me busy. I was also experiencing bullying at the time, and so she would allow me to stay inside during recess some days and help pick up the classroom or read.

3rd Grade- Mrs Holland was one of the worst teachers I had. 3rd grade was when elementary school started for my school system, and they had a class called “GATE” (gifted and talented education). My Gate class was at the very beginning of the day, and so right after morning announcements I had to leave the class to go. Mrs Holland HATED this, and would find every excuse she could to keep me and the other gifted kids in the room longer. At this time i was being ab**ed at home by my mom and stepfather, and despite the obvious signs never reported anything. She would repeatedly embarrass me in front of the class and would send bad notes home almost every. day. 9/10 it was because I would hide a book under my desk and read during lessons, because i already understood the material and would get bored. This made my mom and stepdad angry and my home life worsened. I was also developing an ED at the time because of my meds. My dad was extremely against me being on medication, so on the weeks I was with him he never forced me to take it, he allowed me to but almost every day i’d choose not to because it made me feel awful. It would zap my appetite, give me extreme nausea, and made me feel like a zombie all the time. I’d over eat when i was with him since i was actually hungry and would very quickly gain weight. At my moms, she Would force me to take it, so i never ate breakfast, didn’t eat lunch, and barely ate dinner. I’d lose weight super fast, and would even become depressed later on.

Eventually i’d get off my meds with my dad demanding so, after seeing how awful they were affecting me. Later my (narcissistic) stepdad would abandon Me, My mom, and their two kids, and I would go to live with my dad full time. It came out that my mom was so adamant about my medication because she was secretly taking it (it wasn’t adderall but it was a amphetamine). My ED would slowly start to go away, though i’d experience relapses in the future during my early teenage years. My depression and anxeity became chronic, and i’d develop BPD and CPTSD from both my physical and emotional ab**e/trauma, from both home and school.

I’m not sure exactly what point i’m trying to get across here but. Just make sure that you understand just how much teachers affect your kids, they do spend more time with them throughout the day then at home after all. Also, though medication for ADHD will help some people, it isn’t right for everyone. No one experiences the exact same reactions and side affects, and there ARE other treatment options. Some people can find ways to function in society without needing medication, others don’t. Everyone is different and it’s important to be aware of the affects. I guess this concludes my rant/dump for the day

[sizzlinghotdogsblog]

*＊✿❀ MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY　❀✿＊*

I am Althia Imee C. De Guzman. I'm 15 years old I was born on October 3, 2006 at Pacac Gumiba District Hospital, I live in Brgy. Bonifacio Cuyapo Nueva Ecija Purok 2 I am currently studying at St. Pius X Institute located in aguila st. District 1 I am Grade 11 HUMSS My father name is Melchor D. De Guzman he is from cuyapo Nueva Ecija And My mother name is Imee C. De Guzman she is from Bicol I have one sibling his name is Melbert C. De Guzman he is currently studying at Paitan Sur National High School Grade 8 My hobbies are playing online games,playing basketball, playing volleyball, and watching k-drama. The time I spent in kindergarten those were the best day of my life. I was happy and had nothing to worry about.We celebrate our classmates birthdays in school. These days,things are much harder. We are very busy with revision,homeworks,and extracurricular activities. We have to manage our time well or we get into big trouble.I really miss my kinder garden days.And my experience when i was in 10 th grade .My science teacher would take weekly volunteers to give an oral report to the class.She would select five student each week,and they had to give their reports the following week to prepare them.And I had a great time when i was in highschool.I had a lot of friends I had wonderful teacher and I and I like her personality.She was so kind and friendly we spent with him almost all time. Yes i am in content with them .When we get together we usually meet in the room and everyone brings something to eat.And the day of our graduation.We all stood in a line in front of the school.We listened to the speeches that all teachers were saying to us. after that we were crying because all of our classmates were very friendly and were so close to each other how we are started a new life now.After 1 year, we all met up in that same highschool where we graduated.It was very fascinating because we all changed and we talked about our highschool memories. That's my best memories when I was in highschool. So always remember Life is like a box of chocolates you never know which one you can get.

[theretirementstory]

Bonjour à tous, it’s 8c and cloudy but I am sure that we will have some sunshine today.

The concert last week was absolutely amazing, and I surprised myself at how much of this music I knew! I think we all hear excerpts of music, on the radio and television without knowing the name or where it’s taken from.

Had an appointment with the dietician and I was going to tell her to “sling her hook” if she was as rude as she had been last week. Well, I either got her sister or she had had her happy pills because she was very polite and even spoke in English at times, smiling as she did. I have an appointment for a months time, I chose a morning appointment (catch her at her best) and I will be weighed then.

I had a little look at the plants in the garden, lots of greenery appearing, even on the clematis which I thought had not taken well. I think I planted it in 2021, and I am hoping to have some flowers on it this year.

I seem to be forgetting a lot at the moment, probably due to the fact that I have so much buzzing around in my head. I almost forgot the appointment with the dentist….. it was to “try the new crown”, well it needs some adjusting so I am back again this coming week. He suggested a day and time, time coincided with my knitting group meeting so I said no can do! You should have seen the look on the dentist and nurse’s faces….. does no-one say “no” to a dentist? Am I supposed to have no life other than doctors and dentist appointments? Well, I may be an “étrangère” but I do have a busy social life here!

The second thing, that I had forgotten, should have had a mention last week. Drumroll please…… “The Paralegal” is no more and with effect from 30 January he is now “The Trainee Solicitor”, all those letters after his name LLB, LLM and now working towards his next goal, becoming a Solicitor.

“The Daddy” who has followed in my footsteps and gone into banking, received a gift from a very happy customer. Spending time, listening and dealing with peoples requests may seem a little frustrating at times, especially if you have other work which should be done, but it can also be just what that customer needs at that time and they may wish to reward the person, as was the case.

Now here is a note to myself: do not leave jobs to do in a rush the following morning! I had to get out of bed very early to catch up on jobs before the cleaner arrived. As a consequence I did too much and felt quite unwell. However, I did go out for my walk in the afternoon and that made me feel so much better. I actually sat outside for about 15 minutes and as the sun was very warm I tilted my face skyward for 10 minutes free vitamin D.

I had a telephone message from one of the new ladies to the knitting group, she wanted to know if I wanted to attend the course to be given by the firefighters on what to do in an emergency. I said yes, before realising that I may not understand fully all that is being said. However, on the intérnet I have found information (in French) about the course so I can study this before I go. Good heavens I am doing such a lot of homework on these subjects 😂.

On thé subject of the knitting group, there were photos in the paper of the AGM and although just half of me appears in one photo it means it is the third time I have been “in the paper”. I also was mentioned in the blurb as the “nouvelle intervenante”. I met the “old one” whilst out walking the other day and she congratulated me on taking on the roll.

I don’t buy a paper midweek so my walks often involve visiting the bar to catch up on news. Believe me, I know a lot of what is going on in this town, although I do sometimes miss out on things. Well I can’t be everywhere can I? I do have doctor and dentist appointments to deal with 😂😂.

Today, I have the video call with my friends in Bristol. It will be good to hear all of their news, however, I have just had a really long video call with my sister in the UK and that has blown todays schedule right out of the water.

I decided to look for a poem about winter sun and this appeared, not sure who the poet is but it seems to say exactly what I wanted to say. Here is the excerpt.

Winter’s Sun by Asmat Naushad

“There is something about the winter’s sun.

the florescence of the beaming rays

the calmness of the flowing sunshine:

convinces us about the warmth of the winter’s sun”

I am also planning a “little something” to take place (hopefully) week commencing 20 February, more on that next week.

See you next time. Bon dimanche!

[noafencee]

i just remembered i never did an intro post LMAOOO so this is gonna stand in for it for now!!!!

1. NOA!! (0v0) [i almost always type it in all caps so i implore anyone to do the same LOL]

2. I think this account is relatively fresh! i think its only a few months- a year old!

3. STRAWBERRIES 🫶🫶🫶🫶

4. GREEN TEA MY BELOVED! [actually maybe any herbal tea]

5. I am the middle child of three girls 😔

6. I have two [SOON TO BE THREE OMG!!!] AMAZING,GENTLE cats!!!!!

7. I am 15!!! turning 16 in the march of next year :]]

8. I am fluent in English and can hold a conversation in Irish! Im also learning French,Latin and ISL [as gradual hearing loss (usually capping off at around 25-30) runs in my family :) ]

9. definitely has to be Stranger Things!!!! (or gravity falls, my fav childhood show LOL) And any spiderman movie lol🫶

10. i like to listen to music,burn cds and read if i have any spare time! i also crochet a bit

11. i THINK im an ambivert, i usually match the vibe of the people around me! (for example, i have to be very outgoing and outspoken for one of my close friends as they have severe anxiety, and dont like talking to people outside of their close circle!)

12. if spotify is anything to go by, usually rock,indie pop and hiphop show us the most in my wrapped!

13. either New York (a basic pick i know LOL) or Canada! (id actually like to live in Canada when im REALLYYYYY older)

14. I wish i was better at reading a room 🙁 i often keep to myself when im with people i dont know because i fear i will say something and it wouldnt be the right time/thing to say 😭

15. depends on the app!! if its on whatsapp [as all my friends use that] ill be super quick! but i often have snapchat muted LOL so itll take me a while, instagram and iMessage is the same as whatsapp🫶 i try to be very quick as i dont want anyone to think im ignoring them!

16. no😔😔 id like to have a lower back tattoo tho! or a small star on my hand

17. LESBIAN RAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️

18. i LOVEEEE reading!! Im currently reading The Goldfinch and it’s definitely one of my top picks so far! Good Omens was also quite good :)

19. I don’t believe i have, atleast from my perspective on romantic love, i definitely am head over heels platonically in love with all my friends tho 💙

20. single!! for now i wanna focus on my education and finding stability :3

21. yeah, NO CONTEXT!!

22. my 11th birthday party, it was the first time i had introduced my childhood friends (seperate groups) and they clicked so well!! (were all sosososo close to this day as a group this time!)

23. probably my younger sister smashing a plate on my knee (i still have a scar to this day) and then I got in trouble for “making her cry” 😔

24. i.am.TERRIFIED!!!of CRABS!!! DDDD: i can deal with spiders and snakes but CRABS!?!? id rather die than be in the same vicinity as a crab.

25. I think im both! i love waking up early and having quiet mornings to myself (or busy ones!! quiet is rare in my house lol) but i also LOVEEE the night, especially with friends!

26. 1,195! about 1k of those is photos of my friends and the rest is like byler LMAOOOO

27. I know this is for like fictional crushes but my best friend in like the whole entire universe \(-v-)/ he (yes,HE!! it was comphet i was 6 give me a break) is like the best and funniest person ive ever met and am PROUD i had a “crush” on him, even if it was bcuz of comphet lol

28. 110% HA, i love little moments and meaningful gestures, especially relationships where they just know the person top to bottom 💙⭐️

29. probably either a coffee date or a cute at-home dinner :)

30. oh lord here we go LOL

-cooking

-baking

-cleaning (dont dunk on me its relaxing)

-electric guitar

-skateboarding

-rollerblading

-crocheting

-would burning cds count as a hobby? im counting it.

-reading

-art! (painting,sketching,art murals,pottery,etc!)

-badminton,tennis,volleyball 🫶

WHOOP I THINK THATS IT!!!!!!! :33

Let your followers get to know you asks <3

What's your name?

For how long you have this account?

Favourite food?

Favourite drink?

Do you have any siblings?

Do you have pets?

How old are you?

How many languages do you know?

What's your all time favourite movie/tv show?

What are you enjoying to do in your free time?

Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

Your favourite music genres?

Your dream place to visit?

Something you wish you were better at?

How long do you take to respond to texts?

Do you have any tattoos? If not, would like to?

What's your sexuality?

Do you like reading? If yes what's your favourite book?

Have you ever been in love?

What's your relationship status?

Have you ever been heartbroken?

Best memory you could think of?

Worst memory you can think of?

Do you have any fears?

Are you a morning or a night person?

How many pictures you have on your phone?

Who was your favourite childhood crush?

Are you a romantic?

What’s your dream date?

What are your hobbies?

[anotherdayforchaosfay]

After three years at a really abusive and terrible job, I finally left this past June and, after taking two weeks to physically recover from a job so taxing I was sick 80% of the time and also catch up on various real-life errands that kept falling to the wayside, I am doing SO much better! I'd been getting therapy the final several months (which helped me with deciding to leave), and my very next session my therapist said he could SEE how much more relaxed and happier I was just from my body language in the first minute or so of call, and since have discontinued due to lack of need. I am allowed to be friends with coworkers now (former and current) and have the time to have an active social life. I am paid way more for way less work and will soon be able to start paying off the expenses I accrued while at my old job. I have the energy to exercise and am slowly but surely hitting various fitness goals of mine and Getting Hot. I have a haircut I love and am cultivating my wardrobe to match my ideal vision of myself. I have read almost 100 books this year. I feel loved and valued and appreciated and altogether professionally, physically, creatively, and emotionally fulfilled, and I have a bright future ahead of me.

(Also, you are cared for and valued, and I love seeing your work and posts cross my dash.)

Yay for progress! My husband has worked for companies that had much the same effect. We didn't have the luxury of affording for him to quit...until the pandemic hit. Then he gave a solid FUCK YOU to the business and walked out. We moved I think...four months later?

That place had been good until the wrong guy was promoted to manager. Suddenly, the restaurant reviews dropped from five stars to three. Something about hearing horrifically offensive music coming from the kitchen combined and food quality dropping. The guy loved listening to rap music that had, um, lyrics that made anyone who isn't white cis-male extremely uncomfortable. You could hear the bass through the walls, and the lyrics as soon as the door opened. Food quality dropped because he decided to "save money" by ordering frozen instead of fresh supplies, non-local supplies from cheaper companies instead of high quality local suppliers, and he demanded things be made faster instead of better. I don't know if the owner finally fired him, but holy fuck...it was bad.

My husband had been working for that promotion, had more than twenty years more experience in kitchens, more than a decade of experience managing kitchens, and just, well, we used the "not strings attached"* checks, maxed out our single credit card**, and moved west over the mountains. Three doctors had told us my health would continue declining if we didn't move somewhere with a humidity rating of at least 40%. In the Oregon desert, 0%-15% is pretty standard. A week after we moved, I was able to walk up the stairs unassisted, and we were going for walks (until the Holiday Farm Fire started raining ash over the area).

He has zero regrets about leaving that place. Currently, he's a dishwasher, and works an hour away. He interviewed for a part time line cook position at a bar. It's a single-person kitchen, breakfast shift (which he wants; he loves working mornings because then he has the afternoon/evening off), and there would be no other kitchen staff to deal with. He's worked similar in the past, and loved it. He can do things his way during his shift, and it's just the servers he'll be dealing with. Oh, and it's a mile away. We're still waiting to hear from them about it. I know that, once he starts working there, he'll be a much more pleasant person. Right now, Wednesday-Saturday is sleep until 10:30AM, first meal at noon, get read for work, leave by 2PM (earlier if he has errands to run), arrive home at around 11PM-midnight, spend a couple hours winding down, muster up the wherewithal to shower due to how much pain his feet are in, and then come to bed. Often as not, he falls asleep shortly after getting home and having dinner. He wants us on the same schedule: up by 5AM, in bed by 9PM. His mental health improves significantly.

*I was forced to pay it back in 2021. IRS took our entire tax return, and for several months thereafter, a portion of his paychecks and my (at the time) $805/monthly SSDI check was taken to make payments. Why? According to the IRS, I'm a non-contributing member of society, and therefore should not have received the check in the first place. I know folks on SSI and SSDI who didn't have to pay that back, but they also don't have to file for taxes every year, which is why they've not been hit with that fuckery. I'm still pissed off.

**It cost around $8k to make the move. We transferred the debt to a different card, closed the account, and have been making automatic payments of now $128/month. So long as the payments remain automatic, no interest will collect. We're at $4728 now. It was worth the debt because of how extreme my asthma had become. We were living in a double wide manufactured house/trailer home. Walking from one end to the other required I take at least two breaks. We had two air purifiers and two humidifiers set up just so I could breathe, and daily need of my nebulizer. FYI using a nebulizer daily can cause heart damage. I learned that two months ago. I had to use it daily from around August 2017-2020. In July 2017, we lost our home to fire, and I inhaled a shitload of smoke. Said smoke contained fiberglass, asbestos, wood, plastic, and who fucking knows what else.

[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, AUGUST 30, 1990 Today’s Gloria’s b-day. She’s 33 years old. 10 years younger than Linda.

I looked back further in this book and I was shocked that I’d forgotten to write about my new pig Trixie unless I missed it. Brenda got her for me. She reminds me so much of Jellybean who I had the last time I lived here. She’s so lovable and gives me kisses just like Jellybean used to and Toffee does. I didn’t expect to buy a guinea pig but she looks like Toffee and that kind of coat is rare. I couldn’t resist. Toffee’s black with streaks of golden-like rusty brown and Trixie’s black with a streak of white that goes from the back of her neck down her shoulder to her paw. She’s also got a little patch of white under her neck. Brenda named her, so they’re the 3 Ts. Toffee, Tigger and Trixie.

Gremlin’s doing fine too, thank God.

Andy and Fran are on the phone now as Andy calls people to hear the Rick and Nervous tape that’s playing while I write but I’m gonna go listen to music now.

I’ve been beat all day. Why I do not know. I slept from 4am to almost 3pm today.

I saw Martha, and Bill was here from 6:30 to 9:30.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 29, 1990 Today Brenda, Andy and I went to the beach. We enjoyed ourselves very much but I had some slightly annoying period cramps.

By the way, before I continue to write about our day at the beach, let me say Andy will be ringing the doorbell soon. He called to say he was dying to take a walk but that he’ll only ring to say, “Hi. I’m here.” Then he’ll walk back home and call me.

Well, I got some fairly decent color but we were all sort of off to a late start so we all could’ve gotten more. Some’s better than none, though, right? We saw Tammy C and also Michelle G, the daughter of Dick and Bea who owns the skating rink where I took figure skating lessons when I was around 12 or 13 years old. That is also where I had my very first cigarette too, thanks to good old Jenny C. We all went swimming, but not really swimming as the water was kind of cold which is weird. Especially for August. What is it with this beach lately? The water, however, was a little clearer but it’s still polluted and I’m sure it will always be. We went to the flat rocks during the day and at night.

It is now 3:12 AM and Andy rang my bell about 15 minutes ago and in about a half-hour he’ll call me when he gets home but I’m whipped so I’m gonna lay down. I want to sleep as many hours as I can before having to get up to see Martha at 4:00 tomorrow. The last two nights I’ve only barely slept 6 hours each night.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 28, 1990 I’m on the phone right now with Fran who’s on the other line, and believe me, I know who he’s talking to. This girl named Liz who he recently started to date. I spoke with her for a while a few weeks ago. She seems nice, but perhaps a little young, naïve and wild. As far as Fran goes, yes he’s his usual pushy self, but it is kind of cute and sincere. He’s very lonely and I just listened to them speak to one another. They spoke for half an hour and then when they were done I called Liz and played just one line of Fran’s from the edits. The one where he tells Nervous, “You ought to do your laundry, it stinks.” I knew it was mean, but I couldn’t resist. I crossed her with some mean old hag of a lady, too.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 21, 1990 I am now watching A Current Affair which is just about over. Later I’ll watch Cops on 61 while recording Golden Girls on 22 on the big TV in the living room.

Brenda is here. She’s pretty tired. Says some lady hit the side of her cab today.

MONDAY, AUGUST 20, 1990 This weekend was sort of a depressing one as reality hit home this time. It was pretty scary, too.

As usual, the contest was fixed but I felt like I pulled off my performance better than I thought I’d pull it off. I won’t really know for sure until and if I see the video of it. It was taped.

As far as reality’s concerned, well, I just don’t like the business and I finally realized it wasn’t destined like I thought it was. I feel I’d have made it by now and also I’d never have been a smoker or have been able to quit by now. Also, I don’t feel it’s a place for a gay woman to be. I mean, I can see if you’re a gay guy or some big bull butch but I’m not. I’m a tiny feminine one who’s a prime target of rape and other violence. I’d be crazy to even try to make it cuz I will get raped or possibly killed. Believe me, God will see to it cuz for every good thing I get I get something bad with it and as far as something spectacular like that happening to me, well, I’m 100% sure something terrifying will happen to me. Also, you have to have money to make money and have backers and connections and be a druggie. No way. So, after realizing all this I asked myself, “What’s left?” I can’t have any kids and I want college to be my last resort if I can help it so I thought about the police academy but who knows if I can even do that? All I know is, somehow, some way, I have to make a living and try to get a better income for myself. I’m gonna hate it with a passion but it’s either that or disability till Mom and Dad die and I don’t want that. I’m going to miss never having my dream come true, but hey, does anybody ever get what they really want when it comes to their careers or their lovers? I just can’t keep living on dreams and fantasies forever.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 16, 1990 Well, today’s Tammy’s birthday. She’s 33 and also the only one in the family who looks her age. It’s Madonna’s birthday, too, and she’s 32.

Andy said earlier on the phone that he and a friend watched the video of the Frontier’s performance and that he was shocked when he heard me. He said, “Wow! I haven’t seen this and I was impressed. Also, you could really hear you, even in the beginning.” The night we performed he said he’d only seen a small part of my song.

For Friday night’s lip-sync contest I’m gonna do No More Words by Berlin. I wish I could sing live but this is not a talent show like at the Frontier. It’s strictly lip-synced only.

Today's therapy went quite well, as well as the lesson with Bill. He had me up to a C# above a high G for the exercises. It was very loose and relaxed and didn’t feel strained. My strength, power and even more clarity are back but sometimes I do get short of breath and have a lot of phlegm in my throat and nasally cuz I smoke. But overall it was a far cry better than a long time ago.

As for the performance at the Frontier? Well, everyone who’s seen it likes it but I feel I could be better but aren’t I always way too critical of myself? I felt it sounded too much like a kid singing. You know, like a high school girl or something like that. I felt I couldn’t be heard well and also that Gloria couldn’t be heard well and that both of us were distorted and mumbled into each other. I thought I’d overpower her, but others say I was louder and it sounded like a woman who was trained and I know they wouldn’t lie. Especially Andy.

Bill’s on vacation next week to San Francisco. Lucky bastard! He’s a great guy, though, and he does deserve it, but when the hell am I gonna get out of here for more than one day?

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 15, 1990 I didn’t get the chance to write yesterday, but I had a fantastic time at the beach and I got some awesome color. Andy hugged me and thanked me for going with him, and I told him that I had more to thank him for. He paid the way as far as gas goes and bought us a chicken dinner which we split. It cost $7.50! It was hideous, though, and tasted like cardboard.

We lay on the beach for several hours and even went swimming out on the sandbar. The sandbar was up to his waist and up to my tits, but it was fun and also so hot that it was necessary. The water was quite murky, though, and cuz of that I was paranoid about jellyfish. Several people said they hadn’t seen any this year and very few last year which to me, was unusual. Especially for August. The water was quite cool too, for August. We each took walks by ourselves to the rocks and we saw Charlotte who looked pretty good and seemed glad to see us. I played Words Get In The Way and she liked it. She also let us use her bathroom and gave me a soda. After I ate, I saw Mrs. Labriola and when it got dark we went to the flat rocks and he did his pretend interview and I was with some imaginary girlfriend.

The drive back was peaceful and enjoyable as I lay in the backseat pretty drained from the sun and after being up since 5:30. We passed someone’s tour bus, too.

I got home at almost 11:00 and quickly ran into my apartment to escape seeing Brenda cuz I was just so beat and went immediately to bed.

Today, I see Martha at 4:00, and also Bill will be here. I want to do laundry today, get some groceries and change the pig’s cages.

One of my mice died yesterday and the only reason I can think of as to why is cuz the fan was blowing on him all night and it got quite cool and he was in the wire cage, not the glass tank which is a little more enclosed. Now I fear for Toffee, Tigger and Gremlin as the disease is contagious. I sprayed the room with Lysol and I hope that cuz it’s summer, it’ll air out.

I feel so tired and lazy today. I guess I need to eat and it’s probably cuz of all the sun I had yesterday so I feel very warm.

Brenda had to go to court for the guardianship of her kids and on her way out she gave me a pack of cigarettes and said she’d call me when she gets home.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 14, 1990 I’m supposed to be going to the beach today, but I have no money to pay Andy for gas and I have no money for food. Plus, I have a slight sunburn and I don’t want to overdo it and Andy wants to be there till night to walk on the beach. He told me to cover up if I feel I’m gonna burn but that’s still a long time on the beach and it’s just being in the heat so long I can’t stand. I’ve been up since 5:30 and I’ll be up many more hours and also going so many hours with no food. Forget about cooling off in the water cuz that beach is now so murky and dirty and you can’t even see the jellyfish and now’s the time the water’s got tons of them.

Later…

I awoke at 5:30 today and I’m still not sure if I’m going to the beach today. I can’t say that I don’t want to, but I can say that I wish I had more money and I wish we could both afford a hotel.

I’m gonna go have my second cup of coffee or as Tracy once accidentally said, my second “coffee,” then take a shower and shave just in case. Part of me would rather stay here and go grocery shopping and do some laundry. I need to wash my curtains, rugs, blankets and my shower curtain. If I did end up staying here, I’d see if Brenda could take me to Forest Park. I hope Andy, for some reason really can’t go. That’ll make the decision a hell of a lot easier. However, he hasn’t been there since March so I know he wants to go for sure.

Later…

Andy mentioned leaving by 10:00 or 10:30 so we’ll see if he calls soon, but in the meantime, guess who was here the last couple of days? Jai and Jenny! I only spoke to them briefly but we had a great talk. They were arguing a little but otherwise, they seemed to be doing pretty well and it was great to see them. Jenny still told me how beautiful she thought I was and was constantly staring me up and down and Jai and I were joking about all Andy’s and my lines. He pretty much remembers them all, too.

I called Nervous at Feinstein’s Leather and told him to call me later cuz I want to talk to him about Sasha. Mom once made a comment saying, “Your problem is all due to smoking.” There’s really no big difference since she’s been gone. I still have a hard time breathing when it’s hot or humid and when the air’s very polluted or when I smoke too much. It rained badly last night so today the air is very clean, crisp and cool cuz when it rains it pushes down and smothers all the pollution. So, if things ever were to work out with Sasha, what would she do to the animals? She never hurt the pigs, in fact, she used to sit in the big cage I used to have with them, but now I have little mice. Also, I was told that there’s a spray you can use if you do have bad allergies but mine were never as bad as Philip’s. He came over one night when I lived on Oswego St. and sneezed and sneezed non-stop and his face got all swollen till he had to finally just leave. Nothing would ever bother me if I didn’t smoke, but I can’t quit. God, if I never smoked I could probably be in a very dusty room on a very hot and humid day and not really be bothered or affected in any way.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 9, 1990 I got up at 3pm yesterday and went to therapy at 4pm and it was a good session. I really like Martha now and I know I can trust her. It took me almost a year to really take to her and at first, she didn’t really understand me and it was frustrating but I really do like her a lot now and she does care and understand. She says she likes my philosophies and attitude and the way I express myself and understand myself and others. She also likes my sense of humor.

Let me get Gremlin out of his ball and in his cage and get another pen.

Later…

Ok, I’m back. Continuing after therapy, Bill was here from 5:00 till almost 10:00 and we’re both suspecting that this one student of his may be gay. A female. One who’s 5’ 9” and very friendly and the athletic type like most gay women, but she’s not a true butch. Her hair is somewhat long and I’d kind of describe her as plain, but not ugly. The type I’d get, but hey, better than ugly or a guy. She seems more stable than Brenda and again, Brenda’s not a wacko but this girl (I forgot her name) has an ok job and probably hasn’t gone through as much shit but people are people and no one’s perfect. She lives in Agawam too, this girl, and her singing’s pitiful.

Bill saw the video at the finals at the Frontier and so did Stephan, which is Steve’s real name, and they thought it was great. They both hated Carl and felt Sue and Rachel didn’t deserve to win. It’s weird too, cuz originally I figured Carl was gonna blow me away to smithereens. Bill says, “They can’t sing. Except for you, for some reason, my Springfield students can’t sing like my Northampton or Hartford ones. I can help them get better, but they’re never gonna really sing such as professionally.”

This guy named Noel and this girl Dina are his worst. They can’t sing 2 notes out of 10 on key to save their lives.

Later, or I should say earlier, I did some fantastic editing. I mean, it was awesome and very different. For example, I found an old tape from about a year ago when Nervous was here one night and I was singing, so I edited it and played it for Bill who thought it was great for just fooling around and he wants a copy of the edits. So later on the phone with Andy and Fran, I told Andy that Bill said it was good and after he told me the parts I edited he liked best he said, “You’re right. It’s fantastic and I hear traces of Donna in it.”

So, that made me feel good that he said that. I should record myself singing out of the amp.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 7, 1990 My lesson went pretty well yesterday. Bill brought the amp back and also bought me a cable to hook up my keyboard to it and it makes it sound awesome. Of course, I love singing through the mike too.

I haven’t heard from Lisa, the EMT I had a one-nighter with, since the night I performed at the Frontier, and I hope she’s still enjoying being alone. She’s a really nice girl and I can truly understand her and the position she’s been in and I do appreciate her honesty. I’m glad we can talk every now and then, too. Of course, Kacey’s still total history. Brenda on the other hand, I really do care about and am attracted to but like I said, not in an overwhelming way.

MONDAY, AUGUST 6, 1990 I am so fucking pissed off! I just remembered that I fucking forgot to see the return of Twin Peaks last night cuz I was with Brenda who really pissed me off yesterday for smothering me. I had quite a talk with her and I know she means well and truly cares from the heart but I do need space. I guess, however, I can understand how she feels cuz although my getting someone (regardless of personality) I’m overwhelmed by sexually is forbidden by God or whatever’s out there, I know what it’s like in my fantasies, and in these fantasies, I can easily be with them 24 hours a day.

Here’s what the scale looks like when it comes to my take on sexual attraction. What I will not take: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. What I will take: 6, 7. What I can’t get: 8, 9, 10.

Brenda and I went to Tammy’s yesterday and I loved seeing Lisa and Becky. Also, I showed them the video of the Frontier and they enjoyed it.

Last Friday me and Andy competed in the semi-final contest in which they pick 5 out of 10 and both me and Andy won. Next week the $100 winners do the same thing and then the week after that the 5 semifinalists who were chosen, compete against each other. Of course, me and Andy know we’re going there to perform and not win as of course it’s gonna be fixed like it always is when it comes down to the final, final jeopardy. You fuck ‘em all, you party with ‘em all, you win.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 2, 1990 Right now Andy’s on the line dialing strangers to hear the edits in which I’m playing them. Speaking of the edits, I just had a great idea! I’d love to see what’s said besides to hear them. The sentences, I mean, so I’m gonna write them all down and put a star right next to the best ones.

We also called Fat Sue and Carl and played them the edits too, as well as the Rick and Nervous conversation.

We think what happened with Big Sue is that she bought her way in and gave the judges coke and that’s how she won.

Today was a great day with Bill here. I sang very well. Three songs. Falling In Love Again, Skylark and What’s New. I sang them through this microphone and amp he’s letting me use and it’s totally awesome.

Brenda also bought me 4 shirts and a pair of shorts that are nice, and I polished her nails for her. She and I are going to Tammy’s Saturday, and sunning Sunday which I did yesterday and also last Sunday and got a little color.