#i had a long post where i tried to break dow what i think went wrong with the originals

[sonlikesleep]

redraw again.

never liked how the previous iterations turned out, tried to fix some of the things in this one.

reading tfota atm, so it's kinda sorta faye inspired?

[im-the-punk-who]

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@rnmmarchformeta​ Day 1: Tonight’s theme is: Themes

Malex and Music: Tracing a relationship through music used in the show - Part 1

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Given that both Michael and Alex have a personal connection to music, I wanted to go over some of the intricacies of what the music choices and lyrics/stories behind the songs used might tell us about Malex. The music choices in Roswell New Mexico are deliberate and often incredibly pointed. Particularly in the case of Michael and Alex there are elements of their relationship that are not so much underlined as written about only in the lyrical choices that play under their scenes. This choice for me made rewatching the series a lot of fun because as I discovered the lyrics to some of the more obscure song choices I kept discovering new intricacies and motivations for each of their decisions. Below the cut for length.

(Author’s note circa 2007:  (rawr xD) I’m focusing specifically on the parts of these songs that play over or in direct correlation to scenes where Michael and Alex are both present. I would love to explore this theme in the wider context of the whole show and how their interactions with other characters might change some of these but...this is already like 6k and that’s just how the peas and carrots cooked. That said I will be referencing other characters and relationships as relevant, particularly, I will be talking at some length about Milexa and the airstream scenes in 2x06. I personally have a favorable reading of the scenes and what they mean for Michael and Alex. I also talk briefly about Milexa in a few other spots - they’ve been marked as ‘Milexa’ or ‘Miluca’ if you wish to skip them, although I don’t know if this will make sense as a whole without them. But, should you wish. Proceed accordingly. <3)

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Posted on AO3 here.

Sedona - Houndstooth (1x01)

The first song we hear in relation to Malex is ‘Sedona’ by Houndstooth. The song plays during the reunion as we see Alex confront Michael about the chemicals found around his airstream. The verse that plays underneath the scene references how, due to its scenic beauty, the town of Sedona was once a highly sought after filming location but had fallen into obscurity when cowboy movies went out of style in the late 70′s.

Similarly, Alex tells Michael that he is ‘wasting his life.’

“Does the macho cowboy swagger thing ever get old for you?”

“Did it get old for you?”

For me, this scene is as much an introduction to the past between these two as their present. Gone but not forgotten, their interactions are a ‘script’ that the two of them play off of. In other words, Michael and Alex don’t so much interact as play off of what the other expects from the other. This becomes especially clear when in 2x05 we learn that Alex has at least once before warned Michael about ‘wasting his life.’

When The Truth Hunts You Down - Sam Tinnesz (1x01)

The next scene is this one, in which we see Alex contemplating an old picture of himself. We then see Michael watching him.

Later, the last line is overlaid with Jesse telling Kyle about the existence of aliens.

The truth about Michael’s alienness is quiet literally hunting them, but so is something about Alex’s past. As we get to know him, we learn just how much his father is interconnected with all of the worst moments in his life and everrything he has buried and tried to run from in order to avoid it. Michael, Roswell itself - Alex ran halfway across the world to try to run away from the trauma of his youth, and yet here he is.

“Nostalgia’s a bitch, huh?”

“You know I thought when I got back from Iraq you would be long gone.”

“Is that what you want?”

“We’re not kids anymore. What I want doesn't matter.” 

We also find out something of the nature of his and Michael’s relationship and that there are clearly still feelings between them - no matter how much Alex is trying to deny it.

Give Me The Night - Des Rocs (1x02)

This is one of my personal faves from the Malex soundtracks. It just *slaps* okay?

Aside from the obvious nod to Michael’s alienness, this song underscores the divide still between Michael and Alex despite the passionate kiss they shared at the reunion. Michael is initially flirtatious and full of swagger - until Alex shuts him down.

The fallacy of Alex’s rebuke and his dismissal of the feelings behind the kiss are underscored by his refusal to even look Michael in the eye as they talk. Even if he tries to deny them, the truth of his feelings hunts and haunts him because he feels he can never act on his own desires. And in turn when presented with the about face, Michael turns bitter as the push-pull is reinitiated. Michael falls back to the script they’ve been rehashing to save his feelings - ‘puts on a show’ as it were, and Alex falls for it hook, line, and sinker. He is still unwilling or unable to see the truth that lies beneath the surface.

“Isn’t there some law about building on a historical site?”

“A historical - oh you mean because the UFO crashed here? Yeah, we’re not supposed to build on Santa’s workshop either.”

For Michael, who at least to me was obviously hoping things would change this time around, this must feel like a bucket of cold water, especially in the face of Liz Ortecho’s knowledge and seeming easy acceptance of the aliens’ existence. While Max might get his happy ending, Michael is left to keep hiding from the person he loves, never being seen and wondering if Alex’s feelings are even real. 

Two Princes - Spin Doctors (1x02) (Miluca)

In rapid fire we have the next three songs as Michael and Alex spend some time at the Wild Pony. This verse plays under the interaction when Alex comes in the bar and spots Michael.

“Though he got kinda hot. In a ‘sex in a truck, smells like a river, never introduce him to your mama’ kind of way.”

“I hadn’t noticed.”

My boy. My child. My bluntest instrument in the tool kit. Has no one ever told Alex Manes that saying you hadn’t noticed an objectively hot guy is hot is basically code for ‘I haven’t stopped staring at him since I walked in and my brain is not functioning at a high enough level to mask that fact’? Son, please, this is a drunk Wendy’s.

(Also this is huge foreshadowing for Miluca - Michael and Maria don’t have sex *in* a truck but it’s pretty close, we find out later that Michael/the aliens smell like rain, and she tells him he’s not meeting her mother at one point. The angle of this shot is also, for me at least, a hint that Michael is going to become the object of these two ‘princes’ affections, at some point.)

Anyway this is basically poking fun at Alex Manes, repressed disaster, for having no clue what love is and trying to express his affection through like, everything except anything anyone would understand as romantic love. (And we will see this in the flashbacks as well as present day - that Alex mostly uses his station or advantages as a way to show the people he loves he loves them, rather than using words. When he offers Michael the shed, brings him the guitar, uses his military connections to find out about Michel’s mom, hacks into Maria’s computer...listen I got more.) But that isn’t enough, as we’re learning. If only there were some way Alex could also learn that lesson.

And seriously, “This one said he wants to buy you rockets?”

How’s It Going To Be? - Stephen Edwards (1x02)

“Is there really nobody in this world that you wouldn’t risk everything to save? Sad.”

Oh Isobel, if only you knew.

So, aside from returning the kiss Michael initiated at the reunion, Alex has soundly rejected every advance Michael has made for a relationship. Despite that Michael seems to have been harboring some hope that things might be different not that Alex is back more permanently. But now with Isobel bringing into question what he’s willing to sacrifice, I think he might be realizing that toll has been extremely steep already.

(Also truly obsessed with how both Alex and Michael have positioned themselves so that they can casually glance over at each other without arousing suspicion. *Boys*. It’s not that complicated what is this middle school?)

We know that Michael doesn’t like having to keep secrets, and again I have to wonder if he’s regretting not telling Alex he’s an alien, or wondering how that conversation would have gone.

From the previous scenes we can tell something in their relationship is coming to a head - maybe Michael is hoping it’s that he can finally stop keeping secrets from Alex and show Alex who he really is - that Alex will stop misreading him. That Alex will change.

But there is also the expectation that if that happens, Alex will likely leave again. Not just because that’s what Alex’s trauma makes him do, but also because that is how Michael frames all of his relationships. As ‘until you leaves’. He is shown to have a habit of catastrophizing because he doesn’t believe himself to ‘belong’ anywhere(HA) and this is one of those times we’re shown that.

Come With Me - Gold Star (1x02)

“Home can be a person.”

And here we have Alex “thinking about who he was” as Maria closes up the bar. Given where this scene leads with him and Michael, I think the rest of the lyrics to the song are incredibly poignant.

Tell me what were you dreaming? Tell me who were you trying to reach? Gimme something real to believe in Or gimme a reason to leave So i left her standing under shining stars in the Silver moonlight by old Borough Hall - whoever you are

We know that after this evening Alex attempts to rekindle his relationship with Michael, still thinking about who he was, and maybe for the first time trying not to run from what he wants. He’ll be unsuccessful this time, but it’s the first clue that Alex is attempting to break a pattern that has held him in place for ten years.

While he may have been misreading Michael’s stunted growth, we’re starting to see Alex contemplate change in himself. This is the start of Alex’s two season long journey to break out of the fortress he’s built around himself. To ‘put his weapons down’ in an effort to be with Michael.

(She lets her guard down on her way back//to close her eyes and fall asleep - “It was late....I was tired.”)

God of Wine - Third Eye Blind

So clearly the writers were like ‘how can we hurt Milo specifically’ because these lyrics are *so good* as we hear malex talk about the way they view their relationship for the first time in the show.

The music starts just as Michael picks up the old photographs, first of the pod squad, then of himself and Alex playing guitars in the desert. As he packs up the airstream to move it off Foster’s Ranch, Michael is also thinking about the past.

Throughout the series, we’re given a bunch of musical lines about how Michael and Alex can’t go back to what they were, that they have to move forward. And it’s true - as we’ll see over and over again the dynamic they’ve had has been incredibly unhealthy for both of them. But they also cannot avoid the other’s orbit. And when Alex comes to talk to Michael it’s the first time we see him actually decide to initiate - to try and take what he himself wants, rather than waiting or hiding from it. But it is also very much Alex falling back into the ‘madness that holds a truth he can’t erase’ of Michael’s really, very, super, incredibly obvious feelings for him. Our boy is not subtle.

But Alex is still hunted by the past - before we know his history we assume that when Alex references ‘who he was before he went to war’ he means Iraq. But Alex’s war is his father. As much as combat can absolutely be a traumatizing experience, for Alex I never really read that as his main source. As he’ll tell Forrest later - “My PTSD triggers are a little more complicated”.

And so when he tells Michael he’s been thinking about who he was “before he went to war” for me that’s more a callback to who he was before Jesse found the two of them in the toolshed. “When this started.”

As Michael tells him “From where I stand nothing’s changed”  the words “I know, I know, I know” repeat in the background because WE KNOW. We all know, except Alex.

“And that’s a problem for me, Guerin.”

And the siren’s song that is your madness

“Because every time you look at me, I’m seventeen all over again.”

holds a truth I can’t erase

“- and I forget that the last ten years even happened. And then you look away and I remember all over again. And it almost kills me every time.”

All alone on your face

“I never look away. Not really.”

For Michael this is basically confirmation of what he’s been realizing over the last few days - that Alex has been totally misreading him and that yes, Michael, you’re going to have to use your words on this one. 

To which we see Alex’s brain 404-blue-screen for a minute as he realizes what Michael means. Which I personally really appreciate.

And especially since we’ve just learned that a lyric of this song was written on Rosa’s hand the night she died, I can’t believe it’s a coincidence in this being the song that plays underneath this scene - where Alex says he was thinking about who he was before. Everything changed that day for everyone - including Michael and Alex. Michael had gained a terrible secret he couldn’t share, that meant he changed his whole life and started needing to hide and lie and act out, and Alex - not knowing the truth - assumed that it was Michael’s way of trying to push him away and end the relationship. Which leads to the decades long miscommunication of Alex seeing Michael do that over and over again.

For the last ten years, Alex has been seeing Michael as the boy who looks away, then looks back. A Michael whose focus shifts to and away from him and who he sees as wasting his life; directionless and aimless. But as he realizes what Michael is saying he has to recalibrate everything he’s thought their relationship is.

This is possibly the first time Alex has realized that his view of Michael has been wrong. That he really doesn’t know Michael at all.

And we know this interaction has a profound impact on Alex in terms of how he views their relationship. I feel like this is one of those things that becomes a mantra for Alex, later down the line. He repeats it to Michael at Caulfield, and in his song as well, “You never looked away, now I won’t look away” to express his commitment to breaking down the walls he has built up for himself. 

Even though we know the relationship is doomed at this point, it’s the first time a stone falls from the walls Alex has built around himself in a decade.

Here - Chance Peña - 1x03 (Alternate title: “Home”)

Okay I would like to petition to make it illegal to have unreleased songs in episodes, Chance Peña help a bitch out. I had to watch a *fish show* to hear the full lyrics because they’re edited in the show! ( I will also note the next lyric is ‘goodbye, my dear’ which. rude.)

Anyway, we’re given these lyrics as Michael wakes up to seeing Alex has stayed the night. I took the editing, with the previous song choices, to be a reaffirmation of this being something new to Alex, but not necessarily to Michael. Michael knows what he wants from a relationship with Alex - even if he’s put the hope aside from time to time the want is always clear.

For Alex though, a relationship with Michael is something that scares him because of his fear that it can be taken away. (”I just thought that I could be happy, and not be afraid that if I loved anything my dad would destroy it.”) He is trying to make it work - “drawing near” to Michael - but he knows that in order to do that he is going to need to be uncomfortable. To face the fears that have held him back and kept him in comfortable limbo for so long.

I’m also going to flail about how, while RNM has the song listed as ‘Here’, the producer of the other show(Battlefish) identified the song as ‘Home’. I hope I don’t have to yell at y’all, other Roswell New Mexico fans, about how often that word has snuck up on me and knifed me in the back regarding malex. Especially since Alex *is* currently - well, here. With his home. Kill me please it would be kinder.

But then of course we see the old insecurities pop up again as Isobel arrives. Even if he is trying - Alex is nowhere near ready to jump out of the closet yet.

Fast Aint Good Enough - Inkwell Echo (1x06)

I debated adding this one because it’s a little bit reachy, but I thought it was significant in that even when they were seventeen, the thing Alex is ‘afraid of’ is his feelings for Michael - not necessarily of being gay but of what people like Kyle and his father do with information like that.

Wish I’d found the words when we were seventeen-

Kyle asks

“What are you so afraid of?”

-just as Alex catches sight of Michael.

(“I wanted to be the kind of person who won battles. It felt good.”)

Aside from Alex’s general need to protect Michael in any and all situations, I feel like the lyrics of this song - about the singer’s attempt to leave an abusive relationship - underscore that even before the toolshed, Alex was fighting. Even before the toolshed, he has been fighting to this cycle he is trapped in.

While he and Michael build their relationship he starts thinking seriously about leaving and not just surviving but he will ultimately choose to trap himself for years in order to hide his love for Michael.

Like so many gay kids, Alex is fighting a system that deems him guilty of sin - and takes his fighting back as a sign of his guilt. And in order to actually be able to love Michael, he is going to have to figure out how to put down the weapons and the hurt and break the cycle.

First Day Of My Life - Bright Eyes (1x06)

Are they serious right now I swear to god.

So obviously, we’ve got the origins for everything we’re told about Michael and Alex’s lives changing based on their feelings for each other in like two and a half verses of song. Forget the entire second season we have everything we need right here.

“It was the first time I liked our hometown, though.”

-

“Alex made me believe there was a place for me here.”

We know that for both of them this is really a moment of self discovery as much as it is a discovery about each other. 

For Michael in particular, who doesn’t know why he’s here or who he really is, and who previously had no plans besides leaving the planet, this is the moment that he realizes what he wants - to be with Alex.

And for Alex, to me, this moment is a brief glimpse into what his life could be like. We don’t have any confirmation if Michael is his first kiss with a boy or not, but we do know that this moment is significant in that it’s the first that makes Roswell feel like a place he enjoys being.

And as he is realizing that, the lyrics echo it -

But I realized that I need you // And I wondered if I could come home

(Screeching from the background: WOULD YOU COME HOME)

But of course, as the song says, these things take forever because...well....

(It’s because Alex is dumb. My poor dumb emotionally stunted child. Please go to therapy.)

In essence, this is the moment that sets Michael and Alex on their entwined path. The path that Alex will have to fight to get back to - the path Michael will lose faith in before he later starts to regain the hope that it exists. I also like to think about the link between the last lines:

Remember the time you drove all night // Just to meet me in the morning?

and the line from ‘Would You Come Home’

Would you meet me in the middle // Could we both stop keeping score?

I like to think about the parallel here, about meeting people where they’re at, and the love and care and effort it takes to be willing to drive all night to meet someone. Listen a bitch is soft and gay don’t look at me.

You Can’t Love Me - Novi & Tyler Blackburn (1x12)

(*Whispers and rocks back and forth* this is fine it’s all fine)

Once again we have a song whose lyrics give us a tailor made road map to Malex, and will pop up later in ‘Would You Come Home’. We’ve already seen the implosion of the way Michael and Alex have been orbiting each other for a decade, but now that Alex knows the truth, he actually has the ability to understand Michael in ways he hasn’t been able to before. (Something we’ll see later in Season 2 when he talks with Maria.)

And because of that, we see the true beginning of the journey of Michael and Alex back to one another in a healthier way.

But part of that journey is going to be realizing that what they’ve been doing and the way they have loved each other in the past isn’t sustainable - and maybe isn’t even the way they want to love each other.

“They’re my family, Alex!”

“Alright, maybe! But you are mine. I don’t look away, Guerin.”

“No. We’ve been holding onto this thing. And it’s gotten us nowhere. Just let it go.”

Even though the words are said in anger, there is some truth to what Michael says. Their relationship so far hasn’t been a good one. Where Alex is trying to repeat the words that Michael said to him that made such an impact on him, Michael is (well, a, trying to save his dumb boyfriend from getting flambayed) using the opportunity to reveal how little faith he has in their relationship. To say that no, this doesn’t feel like love.

But as much as the song lyrics are about loving someone who isn’t good for you, they’re also about changing and growing, and about a commitment to be better.

(Sound familiar? Brb, I’m gonna go jump off a cliff.)

Love is messy, and especially for Michael and Alex, love has always been something that hurts. “Home is where the hurt is” - and a really important part of their journey is realizing that, and realizing there is a different way of loving each other.

Additionally for Alex, this is when he starts to realize the full extent of his family’s involvement in hunting and hurting Michael’s family. It isn’t just his dad - his entire family line has been involved in this since before Alex was born. And still is. This is really where he starts realizing the roots of the guilt and shame he’s going to have to deal with in order to be anything to Michael - not even a partner but a friend.

This is the first step in that journey. Not just the commitment that yes - I want to build a home for you - but that first, I don’t know, maybe I need to put down these weapons and pick up a different set of tools?

ON TO SEASON TWO

[katefiction]

Revolution, Part 3

by katefiction (Maria) / 2014

A steaming cup of tea appeared beside me.  I leant against the fencepost and looked at it out of the corner of my eye.

‘I thought you might like one’ William said, placing it on the post when I didn’t take it from his hand.

I stared into the distance, watching the haze of the sun ripple through the sky.

‘Are you going to talk to me?’ he said, resting his arms on the fence.

I cast my eyes downwards and mumbled ‘not right now’.

‘You are happy to be here aren’t you?’

What was I supposed to say? ‘I’m happy you’re safe, but I’m not happy’?

I couldn’t so I changed the subject, ‘we should be getting back to Mary’s, she’ll be waiting for us to deliver her stuff’

‘Ok’ he said brightly, ‘wait five minutes while I lock up’

‘You needn’t come William’ I said, leaving the tea on the post to go cold while I went to collect George. He was asserting his independence a few metres away from us, pouring water onto the grass from a small watering can William had found.

‘Don’t be like this, please’ he sighed. ‘Besides I have to help you carry this it into town, and to carry your bags back’.

He looked at me expectantly, hoping for confirmation that we would indeed be coming back here with him.

But a mumbled ‘fine’ is all I gave him.

*

Mary’s head popped up when we entered the bar, ‘finally! I was about to send out a search party!’

‘Sorry’ I smiled tiredly.

William entered behind me carrying her order in his arms, ‘where would you like these?’

She tapped the bar, ‘right here’s good’. She looked at him with that same caution she’d given me, ‘you new around here?’

Mary had clearly made the connection between the man standing in front of her and the one I’d described to her earlier, but she chose not to say anything.

‘Fairly, I’m Bette’s new farm hand’

She nodded approvingly, looking at me. ‘I’m Mary’ she said, sticking out her hand.

‘Bill’ he said confidently and shook it as I bit my lip to stifle an unexpected laugh.

‘I take it you and Libby know each other?’

William looked perplexed as if trying to remember who he knew with that name.

‘Er yes, he’s Alexander’s father’ I interjected, before he could drop us in it.

I saw him glance at me and I knew what he was thinking. Why hadn’t I just said he was my husband?

‘Of course he is, a little doppelgänger’ she cooed at George.

‘Unfortunately!’ William laughed.

‘I better go and collect our bags’ I said. ‘Can you sort out the dollars I owe Mary?’

‘Course’ he said with a pleased glint in his eye.

I went upstairs alone and collected our things together, slowly folding each item into the bags. For some reason, I was biding my time. Perhaps it was the fear of going into the unexpected. Mary’s wasn’t exactly home, but it was the closest I’d got to it since landing in Iowa.

When I got downstairs, William and Mary were chatting easily. Mary was laughing at something William had said, a bad joke no doubt. Nevertheless it sent a pang of anguish through me as I remembered how easily William and I could laugh together. In this place, it seemed like we could never be that way again.

‘I just want to thank you for taking care of the two of them’ William said as we re-entered the bar. ‘I really appreciate it’

Mary tutted, waving her tea towel at him dismissively ‘I wasn’t gonna kick them out onto the street now was I?!’

William smiled, ‘even so, if there’s anything I can do for you. You’ll not pay for the eggs and bread today of course’

‘Have you run that past Bette?’ she asked, conspiratorially and William laughed.

I merely stood by, detached from the in joke. 

William seemed to notice me for the first time since I’d walked back down the stairs, ‘Bette’s quite a firecracker, but she’s lovely, you’ll like her’

I smiled stiffly, ‘I’m sure’

William’s face dropped at my coldness.

‘You planning on making this home?’ Mary said, interjecting the tension.

‘We’re not sure yet’ I said before William could speak.

‘Well make sure you come in to see me every once in a while’

‘We will, thank you Mary. For everything’

She waved her tea towel again, at me this time.

*

As we walked back to the farm in silence I took in the shops that lined the main street. There wasn’t much to see, just the usual collection of shops; a butchers, grocers and a small café were joined by one clothes shop and a pharmacy. King’s Road, it wasn’t, but I wasn’t perturbed by it. For all that I wanted to go home, I certainly didn’t feel unsafe. Especially now we’d found William.

‘So…Libby?’ William said as we meandered down the street. He had taken all three bags and I, George.

I didn’t look at him but could tell he was smirking.

‘It’s better than “Bill”’, I said. ‘At least I didn’t use my first name’

He laughed and I longed to laugh back, but wouldn’t let myself.

‘Middle names are close enough���

‘It was spur of the moment’ I retorted. ‘You had plenty of time to think of one, I was too busy thinking about other things’

The mood dipped and I regretted being so harsh for a second, before I remembered how he’d lied to me.

‘I don’t know how many times I can say I’m sorry’ he said, clearly exhausted.

‘I don’t need you to keep saying it’

‘Then what do you want?’ he said agonizingly, ‘I’ll do whatever it takes to make this up to you’

I looked at the ground, the little puffs of dirt rising around my shoes as I walked, ‘I don’t know what I want’.

For the first time since George and I had arrived, I felt as though I might break down. I’d spent the last two days completely focussed on our destination, but now all I wanted was to go home.

‘So this Bette’ I said, changing the subject. ‘When will she be back?’

‘In about a week’ William said, with what I thought I could hear was a sulk in his voice.

‘Will she mind us being here?’ George was dozing off in my arms and I huddled him close as we re-entered the farm.

‘No course she won’t’ he answered like it was the most obvious response.

I nodded, silently glad that George would have somewhere to sleep every night. ‘So does anyone else work at the farm?’

‘Nope just me and Bette’ he said, smiling. ‘It’s lovely and peaceful’

He expected me to smile back because we’d always talked about how much we wanted somewhere peaceful to live after we left Anglesey.

Instead he was confronted with my blanched face.

‘What’s wrong?’

‘You mean to say you’ve been completely alone and it didn’t occur to you to get out of here while you had the chance?!’

‘Kate…’ William followed me as I strode purposefully towards his outhouse. ‘Can we talk about this?’

‘Not in front of him…unlock the door’ I snapped.

It was our rule that we would try not to argue in front of George. William unlocked the front door and I placed George down on the small torn sofa that sat in the middle of the room. His mouth opened and arm lopped to one side in a satisfied drop.

William lead me back outside.

‘She only went yesterday afternoon’ he said, continuing our conversation.

‘Oh only yesterday afternoon. And you’ve done nothing since then to see if your family’s ok!’ I yelled.

‘It wasn’t like that’

‘You could’ve found a phone in that time…you could’ve walked into town – to Mary’s even – and called us…’

‘Calm dow –‘

‘…but no, you were too busy living out some stupid, pathetic little dream of being free!’ I raged at him and would’ve shoved him out of my way if he hadn’t looked so hurt at my words.

I turned away and steadied my breathing.

‘That was your dream too’ he said quietly.

‘And that’s all it is, it was never going to be reality. This life here isn’t reality’ I waved my arm out into the acres of land.

‘It can be…let me show you’

‘I don’t want you to show me, I want to go home!’ I turned to find him tensed, his jaw braced.

‘It’s not possible right now, it’s too dangerous, you saw that for yourself’

‘I don’t care’ I said petulantly.

For over ten years, I had been living my life according to William’s. Surely it was my turn to make the decisions.

‘I won’t put you in danger’. He was beginning to get irritated again.

‘But you were happy enough to leave us in danger?’ I sneered.

In a flash, William had pounded his fist against the wall. ‘They threatened you ok?! They didn’t just tell me to keep quiet. They said you and George were safe and they wouldn’t harm you as long as I didn’t try to return. They said they would spin you some yarn about why I’d left’

The skin had torn back from his knuckles, revealing dark red gashes. ‘And you believed them?’

‘I had no other choice but believe them. George is a baby, I know they wanted him out of the way but he posed no real threat to them. I had to believe that if they hadn’t hurt me, they had no reason to hurt you. Unless I tried to come back’

I couldn’t stop staring at his hand, flecks of brick were peppered in the cuts.

‘Why didn’t you tell me this earlier?’

He shook his hand, obviously beginning to feel the pain. ‘I was embarrassed’

‘Of what?’

William tutted and looked away. ‘Don’t you think I realise that everything you’ve said is true. I should’ve made sure you were ok, I should’ve protected you, and instead you had to travel across the world to find me. It should’ve been the other way around’

‘I suppose you didn’t have the means I did’

His big blue eyes glinted at me.

‘I was torn; it was like I had one of you on each shoulder. One telling me to do everything to get back. And the other telling me to keep away until it was safe. They fucked with my mind. If I had known…’

‘Hindsight is a beautiful thing I suppose’ I shrugged.

‘You two are all that matter to me’

I was deflated and tired, so much so that I didn’t have the energy to argue any more. Or maybe I just wasn’t as angry any more. ‘I know’.

*

That night after William had bathed George and put him to bed, we sat on the sofa and I silently bandaged up his hand.  

‘Do you have anything I can wear in bed?’ I said as I tied the knot on the bandage. ‘I forgot to bring anything’

‘Will a t-shirt do? It’s quite hot at night’ he said, holding on to my hand for a fraction too long before I pulled it away.

I arched an eyebrow, ‘is it clean?’

He chuckled, ‘yes. We can go and get you some clothes and things tomorrow if you want’

‘Yeh that’d be good’ I rubbed the back of my neck, kneading the flesh with my palm.

‘Are you sore? Why don’t you lie down, I’ll give you a massage’ he said.

I looked down at his hands, dry and tough, they weren’t the hands I was used to touching me.

‘It’s nothing a hot bath won’t fix’ I said and stood up before he could protest.

I know he was watching me as I walked to the bathroom, probably disappointed that I was still keeping my distance.

I sunk into the hot bath later and scrubbed my body and hair free from the dirt casing I felt was surrounding me. I pulled my body and head down under the water, and felt my knots loosen.

Maybe William had made the wrong choice, but at least we were all safe. At least we were together now.

*

I woke the next morning with George squealing at me, bashing his palms on my chest to wake me up.

‘Alright alright’ I heard William say and saw him through foggy eyes standing over the bed.

He was already dressed and I could tell from the sweat on his brow that he’d been working on the farm for a few hours.

‘What time is it?’ I croaked, pushing my hair from my face.

‘Nearly ten’

‘Ten?!’ I exclaimed, ‘you must be starving Georgie!’

‘You were both conked out all night, I thought I better just let you sleep’

He was right; the last thing I remember was my head hitting the pillow. George and I had shared the bed. I didn’t know where William had slept, but I knew it wasn’t in here.

‘Come here bouncer’ he said, grabbing George and kissing him ‘let’s get you some breakfast’

The three of us settled down to breakfast in the tiny kitchen. It was smaller and more cramped than Bette’s, but still had cracked walls and chipped cupboards. What a come down this was from our palace apartment.

William was in full on baby-hogging mode insisting that he would feed, and then later change George. He had prepared some orange juice and toast for me and I tucked into it greedily.

‘Is it alright?, we can go and get some cereal…’ he said, eager to please me.

‘This is fine William’

He looked me up and down, I was still wearing his t-shirt and my hair was a curly mess after sleeping on it damp last night. I felt a slight tingle run through me. It seemed all my senses were returning.

William had his red pickup truck ready once I was dressed and I wondered outside to find the two of them in the front seat, William encouraging George to press the horn over and over again.

I stuck my fingers in my ears dramatically and William stopped.

‘You ready?’ he said enthusiastically.

‘Yep’ I nodded.

I didn’t know where exactly we were going, but William was so excited that I couldn’t bring him down.

I jumped into the passenger seat, ‘urm, does he have a baby seat’

William bit his bottom lip, ‘ah yeh about that…’

‘Will we can’t go for a drive without a baby seat!’ I said sounding like a neurotic mother.

‘I’ll drive slowly…’

‘That’s not the point, and besides what if the police see us?’

A small smirk formed on his face.

‘What?’ I said grumpily.

‘There’s not really a lot of police around here, we share the sheriff with the next town’

‘That doesn’t mean people can go around breaking the law’

‘Kate, nothing as exciting as crime happens in Redfern’ he grinned and started the engine.

He placed George on my lap and I strapped the seat belt over myself and him and clutched him tightly round the waist as he tried to wriggle back over to his dad.

William set off out of the farm, through the main street and out onto the long road out of town. I recognised the route immediately as the one George and I had taken on the bus. Each way we looked was barren land, but somehow it didn’t seem as intimidating as it had two days before.

William flicked the radio on, and a blast of loud country music blared from the speakers. He began to hum along, tapping his thumb on the steering wheel.

I laughed. ‘Since when do you like country music?!’

He turned to me, ‘since the radio only picks up one station! It’s actually alright when you get used to it’

He turned up the volume on the dial and we both rolled down our windows.

‘Life’s like a road that you travel on When there’s one day here and the next day gone Sometimes you bend, sometimes you stand Sometimes you turn your back to the wind

There’s a world outside every darkened door Where blues won’t haunt you anymore Where the brave are free and lovers soar Come ride with me to the distant shore’

I found myself tapping my foot to the song and stuck my arm out of the window to let the hot, fast air run through my fingers as it was doing through my hair.

Next to me, William’s humming became full blown singing, ‘life is a highhhway, I wanna ride it all night long!’.

I giggled and William glanced at me with a smile. He could tell what I was unwilling to say out loud. That I was enjoying myself. I was enjoying the wind through my hair and the way it blew up George’s little tuft. I was enjoying the greens and golden yellows of the landscape and the way our truck left a trail of dust behind us as we drove.

I even didn’t mind the way that dust landed on my eyelashes and in my mouth. I couldn’t help but revel in the clear blue sky and blazing sun that had tormented us two days ago, but now basked over us like a protective blanket. 

I turned around and looked out of the back window. No-one was following us. No security detail, no paparazzi. My heart lifted and I had a sudden urge to do something stupid and reckless just because I could.

In the back of my mind, I knew this was William’s plan. Take us on a drive and show us the simple pleasures of life. He wanted to show me that our ‘dream’ was possible and it was everything we hoped it would be.

‘I’ve missed you’ I blurted out suddenly, unable to hold back.

He placed his bandaged hand on my knee and this time I didn’t stop him, ‘I’ve missed you too’

We continued the drive in a comfortable silence. George yawned and placed his head back against my chest. I looked down at my wrist, wondering if it was his nap time and noticed that my watch had stopped.

It was as if time stood still here. We were no longer constrained by schedules. We didn’t have to limit the time we spent talking to people. I wouldn’t have to check the time and wait for William to come home any more. I pulled off the watch and gave it to George to play with.

So this is what it was like to be free.

*

The next few days passed with a baptism of fire into what I was trying to accept as our new life. Still, it was nothing compared to my induction into the royal family and a life of fame.

We had driven out of town to pick up essentials; clothes from the thrift stores, a cot from a second hand shop and ‘girl stuff’ as William had named my toiletries. Once I’d settled George into a routine, I got William to teach me the ropes of running a farm. He’d insisted that he didn’t need help and that he didn’t really know what he was doing either. His agriculture course earlier in the year had helped, but actually applying it was another story. I was determined to be more than a housewife and it became my task to build a new fence that had fallen in the wind.

We split George’s care between us and after four days had established somewhat of a routine.

‘Are you sure Bette won’t mind us being here?’ I said one evening.

‘Of course she won’t, she’ll be happy for the extra help and it’s not like we’re living in her house’

I nodded, aware that Bette might see me as taking over her home while she was gone.

‘And you’re sure she doesn’t know who you are?’

‘If she does, she hasn’t said anything. As far as I know she put an ad in the paper for a farmhand and was expecting me when I turned up at her door’

‘The men in the blacked out car that left you at the door didn’t make her suspicious?’ I said sarcastically.

William tensed at the memory, ‘they were smart, they used a Chevy and dropped me off at the top of the path’

I put a hand on his arm. I hadn’t thought about how scary it must’ve been for him.

A flicker in his eye told me he wanted to hug me, something we still hadn’t done since I’d arrived. He couldn’t work out whether I wanted to or if I would take it well. And still, even after all we’d talked about, I didn’t know if I wanted to either.

*

On the morning of our fifth day at the farm, I woke up to find George’s cot empty. William was still sleeping on the couch. I’d found him early one morning, his legs hanging over the edge of the two-seater and just a blanket covering his bottom half. It was unfair of me to keep him from the bed, but there a distance between us remained and I wasn’t sure how we were going to fill it.

I walked into the kitchen to find William, with George on his hip, standing over the stove. Around the room were long strips of what seemed to be old magazines and old newspapers that had been cut into streamers. On the tiny kitchen table was a hot pile of pancakes.

I smiled to myself. ‘You remembered’

He turned around, ‘oh morning, of course I remembered’ he said, slightly hurt.

I walked over to George and gave him a big kiss on his squishy cheek, ‘happy birthday pumpkin’

‘I didn’t mean you wouldn’t remember, I just didn’t expect you’d do all this’ I said apologetically.

‘It’s his first birthday, we have to do something’ he said, adding more batter to the pan.

In truth, I’d blocked the thought of George’s birthday out of my mind. Back home we were planning a party for our close friends and family. My mother had already provided a box of decorations other party essentials, and now they sat in a box, useless in a room back home. The thought of George not seeing his family today made me ache.

William read my mind, ‘I thought we could head into town later and see if we can find a phone somehow, maybe try and ring your family?’

I merely nodded because the words to thank him were stuck in my throat.

Later in the morning, we took George outside to play. William had gotten all of his jobs done in the early hours and insisted this would be a day off.

‘I have a surprise for George’ he said as we walked to the stable.

‘Is it a pet pig?’ I said, suddenly thinking of Lupo.

William laughed, ‘not quite’.

He opened the stable door to a majestic brown horse that was munching on some hay.

‘Is he not…um a little big?’ I said politely.

William picked up some reigns and a saddle and threw them over the horse, ‘we’re just going for a ride’

My heart quickened, ‘on that? Will, don’t you think he’s a bit young?’

He placed a reassuring hand on my arm, ‘he’ll be safe with me’

‘But what if the horse buckles…or you fall off…’ I said quickly.

‘Come on, he’s gentle, and besides it’s his birthday, he deserves a treat!’

William had always wanted to teach George how to ride a horse. I didn’t think he’d be starting quite so early.

‘What do you think GB? You wanna go on the horsey don’t you?’

George reached out to pull at the horse’s mane, which William took as a yes.

He got onto the horse with ease and gave the horse a pat. Neither William nor Harry had taken part in polo season this year, and I could see how happy he was to be back in the saddle.

‘Right, pass him up’

I handed George over gingerly and he began to kick his arms in excitement.

‘Are you gonna ride the horsey George?’ William said, placing him securely in front of him.

George smiled from ear to ear as they set off on a slow trot. I instinctively started to move back to the house to collect the camera, before remembering I didn’t have it to capture this picture perfect moment. They rode around in wide circles and I waved to George each time he passed me. He was so carelessly happy.

After fifteen minutes, they came to a stop and I reached up to get George down. He screamed in protest.

‘George’ William said sternly, ‘stop giving your mummy hassle’

He stopped his screaming but carried on making whining noises, just to let us know he wasn’t happy.

Will jumped down from the horse, ‘horsey needs a rest now, ok? We don’t want horsey getting tired do we?’

‘Say thank you horsey’ I said.

George reached over to pat the horse, ‘hossee’

William and I looked at each other, stunned.

‘Did he just say…?’

‘I think he did…’

Tears sprang to my eyes, ‘clever boy! My clever boy!’. I showered him with kisses and William too held back a lump in his throat, his face full of pride.

*

As we walked into town later that day, the two of us had a spring in our step. George knew a few other words like ‘mumum’ for milk, but this was his first ‘proper’ word.

‘Our boy’s a genius I’m telling you!’ William said.

‘I’m pretty sure other babies can say more words at his age’ I teased.

‘Don’t listen to her GB, you’re gonna be a brain surgeon one day aren’t you?’

It was the first time that I realised that George could be a brain surgeon, in fact he could be anything he wanted now. I glowed at the thought of his future, and how proud he would make his father no matter what profession he chose.

We walked through the length of the high street and ventured into the grocery store. The grocer was standing behind the counter wearing a brown apron over his portly stomach and weighing some apples. It was the kind of scene you only say in movies.

‘Afternoon sir’

William greeted him, ‘afternoon, we were looking for somewhere to buy a phone, I don’t suppose you know where we can find one?’

The grocer scratched his head, ‘not around here, you’ll have to go miles out of town’

‘I thought you might say that’

‘But there is that payphone on the corner next to the barbers’

‘There is?’ William said enthusiastically. ‘Brilliant, thank you’

We left the shop carrying a bag of fruit, and walked at a quicker pace than usual to where the barbers were. When we got there we found the phone box, its doors covered in dirt and adverts.

‘I didn’t know this was here’ William said, like he thought I was about to chastise him.

‘I know, it’s ok’ I said.

We pulled open the door and my heart dropped. The cord attaching the receiver to the set was cut clean apart.

William shut the door immediately, noticing my expression. ‘It’s alright, we’ll find something I promise’

Our walk home was much more solemn than our walk to town. We walked without conversation, with William pointing things out for George to look at. Half way home, ahead of me, I noticed a figure hobbling towards us.

‘It’s crow man!’ I said suddenly.

‘Who?’ William said, confused by the sudden outburst.

‘I’ll explain later…’ I said as the man from the bus got closer to us. ‘Hello again!’

‘Oh hello, I said I’d see you again didn’t I?’

‘You did indeed’ I laughed. ‘This is my husband by the way’

He reached out his hand and I saw William notice his flashy watch, ‘good to meet you’

‘I hope you’ve still got those notes’ I said kindly.

‘Of course ma’am, and see here I picked this up from the thrift store, this’ll be worth something’ he pulled out a sparkling brooch from his pocket.

I didn’t know whether he realised it was cheap tat but I didn’t want to break it to him.

A thought suddenly occurred to me, this was a man who seemed to hoard anything.

‘Sir, I don’t suppose you have a phone we could borrow? It’s an international call but we have more notes if you’d like them’ I gave him my sweetest smile.

He dug around in his pocket, ‘mine’s pretty high tech, it should do international’ he said, and produced a small mobile phone that looked about ten years old. He pressed the on button, clearly he hadn’t switched it on for a while.

William sniggered.

He handed it to me and William dug into his pocket to pay him immediately.

‘Ahh…’ the crow man said, looking at the dollars.

‘Not those notes’ I said to William as I punched in the number. ‘We’ve got the others at the farm, but you can have these too’

The crow man looked relieved as I put the phone to my ear. My heart was pounding as we stood there in the middle of the street.

‘Hello?’ came a distant voice amid the crackle of the phone.

‘Mum? It’s me’ I said, hardly able to speak.

‘Catherine?!’

‘Yes, are you ok?’

‘Oh my goodness, where are you, are you ok, are you safe?!’ she said. I could barely hear her and the line was quickly failing.

‘Mum listen we’re all fine, I can’t say where we are but just know we’re ok’. William and I had agreed that we wouldn’t tell my family where we were in case their line was bugged, which we were certain it would be. ‘Is everything ok there, any news from Wi-, I mean the other family?’

My mother sensed the urgency in my voice, ‘I’ve only spoken to Harry and he says everyone is safe as far a he knows, he so worried about you all’

The phone crackled harshly in my ear, ‘please tell him we’re ok’ I shouted.

‘I will, I’m losing you …’

‘We’ll call when we can ok? I love you!’

The line cut off suddenly and I let out a long relieved breath. William rubbed my back in understanding. I handed the phone back to the crow man and he rubbed his chin.

‘Not much battery left now’ he said. ‘Better keep it off from now on’

‘I’m sorry’ I said, still distracted from speaking to my mother.

He shrugged, ‘I’ll find a charger for it one day, it wasn’t in the dumpster when I found the phone’

William and I smiled, regretting finding out where he’d acquired that phone, but a wash of gratitude was given to him nonetheless.

*

The rest of our day was spent quietly, and by the evening when George was tucked up in his cot, I was still deep in thought.

‘Thinking about the family?’ Will said, as we were clearing up the plates in the kitchen.

‘No actually, I was thinking about the day George was born’

William grinned, ‘it was a pretty amazing day, wasn’t it?’

‘The best’, tears pushed up into my eyes, threatening to overflow.  

‘Hey, don’t cry’ he said, putting down the tea towel and resting his hands over my shoulders. ‘I promise it’ll all work out’

‘I know’ I said, clearing my throat. ‘It’s just a lot to take in; I would never have imagined us to be here a year ago’

‘I don’t think anyone could’ve predicted this’ he said, furrowing his brow.

I moved away from him, suddenly aware of how comforting his arms were. He grabbed my hand as I turned and gazed silently at me.

‘I should go to bed’ I said quietly.

He lifted his other hand and ran it through my hair, ‘stay with me’

I didn’t know what to say or to do. My heart was thumping and I was sure he must be able to hear it. His eyes were locked into mine and he wasn’t letting go. He’d had enough of me pushing him away, I knew that days ago.

Part of me didn’t want to let him close to me, I wanted him to suffer the way I had when he disappeared. But another part, the part that was now surging inside me like a wave, wanted him to take control and show me how much he’d missed me.

The hand in my hair moved down to my cheek and my stomach flipped. I took a step back and he took one forward with me. I threw my arm back to steady myself, looking for something solid to hold onto before he absorbed me completely.

My hand found the worktop and William’s other hand found my waist. He leant down and brushed his lips over my cheek, his hand still clasped over the other side of my face. The bristles on his face sent sharp ripples through me.

‘Come back to me’ he muttered into my ear.

My breathing became shallow and I tried to focus on a chip in the worktop that was under my finger. But it was too late; it was too late as soon as he grabbed my hand.

I leant my body back against the worktop and he kissed me hard on the mouth and I opened it to him so he could push his tongue inside.

He tugged at my lips with his and released my waist so he could take my head in his hands. His body pushed against mine and I felt the familiar hardness against my stomach. 

His face moved across my face and down to my neck and I placed my hand on the back of his head. I was dizzy with need, and it only heightened as he began to groan into my neck. 

We stumbled into the living room, pasting kisses all over each other and William tripped over the coffee table leg, causing a loud bang.

‘Shhh’ I said.

My insistence that he be quiet only made him more fervent and he undid my jeans as I did the same to his. The rest of our clothes followed until I was left with just my underwear.

Suddenly he slowed, sat me down on the couch and knelt in front of me, kissing me from my neck down to my chest. His hand moved around to my back and unclasped my bra and he pulled it off. The hair on his face rubbed over my breasts as he took them into his mouth and I bit down on my lip as his hand moved up my thigh and under my pants. 

Before I could take another breath, they were off and he was on top of me. He entered me slowly but surely, making sure I felt every stroke of him inside me. When the time came, I dug my fingers into his back and bit down onto his shoulder, inhaling his deep earthy scent as our bodies shuddered together, slick with sweat and relief. 

Sunrise came with William’s arm over me and me body curled into his. 

‘What are you thinking?’ he said.

My eyes popped open, ‘how did you know I was awake?’

‘Because your breathing changes when you’ve woken up’ he nuzzled his face into my neck.

‘Just about how nice it is to have you in bed with me’ I turned over and buried my head into his chest. 

‘I better get up and get started baby’

‘Don’t go’ I mumbled.

‘I have to’, he pulled himself away from me and started to get dressed. 

I noticed the faint red mark on his shoulder and smiled. 

‘I’ll be as quick as I can, we can relax later’ he came over to me and kissed me on the top of my head, and then George’s before leaving the room.

I stretched out my limbs in bed and looked over to George who was sound asleep. Being a married couple wasn’t going to be as easy now we shared a bedroom with our son. I slipped on William’s shirt and trot outside, deciding to take the opportunity. 

I could hear William opening the gates outside, ‘Will, George is still asleep, maybe we could…oh’

Standing with William outside our house was a short round woman with blonde and grey wispy hair.

‘Ah, here she is’ William said. I pulled down his shirt which was barely covering me. ‘This is Libby, Libby this is Bette’

‘Oh, of course, lovely to finally meet you’ I walked up to her, red faced and shook her hand.

‘I was just sayin to Bill what a surprise this is’ she said, her accent full and thick.

‘I am sorry, if it’s a problem, I understand, we can go somewhere else’ I grabbed at the shirt again as the light morning wind attempted to blow it up.

‘You and your bub are welcome here, though I’ll warn you now, people round here will expect a few more clothes’ she laughed

I blushed, ‘I’m so sorry of course…’

William gave me an apologetic smile and I scuttled back inside before I made more of a fool out of myself. It certainly wasn’t the impression I hoped to make.

*

Bette was a typical mother hen, she clucked around me and George, making sure we were fed and watered at all times. When we told her I’d been helping out at the farm, she seemed horrified and insisted I didn’t. This wasn’t to say she was completely old fashioned, she ran that farm single-handedly and William was just the brawn.   

Instead of working on the land, Bette taught me how to cook the most comforting food I’d ever eaten. From pecan pies to massive steaks, we gorged on home grown meals. My initial nervousness around her quickly dissolved as I began to see her as a mother figure, which still at thirty two years old, I was missing with my mother so far away.

Time went on before we had a chance to notice. Our days were filled with work, food and teaching George new things. We had managed to call home twice more when passing the crow man on the street. He had become bored of the pound notes we were giving him and on our last phone call, William had handed over his Omega watch. 

I had asked Bette if she had a phone and she’d dismissed the idea, ‘why would I need a cell phone?’ she said. She didn’t have a landline either and William and I worried about what she’d do if she ever needed help.

The one thing she did have was a radio in the kitchen where we listened to country music as we cooked and Bette hummed along merrily. 

The news from home was sparse, the republic were still going strong and the queen and William’s father and step-mother were still in hiding. Harry, we heard from Mum, had left for Africa.

As for William and I; we had repaired our marriage as best we could. It wasn’t the same as back home, and part of me was still angry with him and always would be, but we were stronger than ever. If we were honest, our freedom made us happier too. We were loving life with our little family and the small pleasures we had. Watching the sun go down every night across the land, laughing as William tried to teach George to play football, and talking about all the things we might one day get the chance to do. It was beginning to feel like home. 

I wish our story could’ve stopped there, happy and content with each other and living the simple life we always craved. But things were never that easy and one day, six months on from when we arrived, our past came back.

It was a chilly day in December and I warmed my hands against the oven in Bette’s kitchen to warm them. William and George were at the table cutting out gingerbread shapes while I was supervising the baking. 

‘Look at this one’ William said cheekily and showed me an oblong shaped biscuit he’d made.

‘William!’ I tutted, before turning and smiling.

‘Dada, ooo’ George said, showing him a lump of dough. He was able to speak much more now, and we’d been promoted to ‘mumma’ and ‘dada’.

The radio played in the background, a mix of country and christmas tunes. 

‘Lovely Georgie, Kate can you turn that off or put it on something else? It’s driving me mad!’ William said.

‘I don’t really want to mess with Bette’s radio’ I said reluctantly.

‘You can always turn the dial back goodie two shoes!’ William teased me relentlessly about my desire to please Bette. 

I turned the dial and was surprised to find, that unlike William’s truck, it found another station. 

‘The British Government…’ it said as I continued to turn the dial.

William’s head snapped up, ‘turn it back’

I did so and we listened in silence to the first real news we’d got from back home. 

‘���after the UK suffered one of its worst economic slumps of modern times. The Green Party has not kept its promises of a prosperous new Britain and the people are demanding a reelection before the end of the year. The are calls from opposition groups to reinstate the monarchy and the government is under increasing pressure to make a statement after sources claim that the queen is to return to the country’

I looked at William who placed one hand protectively over George’s back. His face was deep in concentration. He looked up at me and I knew what he was thinking.

In that one moment, we had lost control of our life once more. The blissfully protected cocoon we’d created over the last few months was about to be cracked wide open and shattered. 

[windskull]

A Little Less Lonely

A/N: Uhhh does the Namco High Fandom still exist on here? I  know this is like. 7 years late but. 

Summary: Davesprite has watched the same week play out so many times, knowing that, in the end, everything will start anew and there’s nothing he can do about it. Everyone around him feels like little more than a caricature, going through the same motions over and over, tugged along with by the whims of the game.

Until one day, someone doesn’t.

~ 6000 words, Davesprite/Anti-Bravoman. Contains swearing. See Ao3 posting for more notes.

Davesprite drummed his fingers against the plastic table, his expression unreadable as he idly looked over the crowded field. All around him colorful booths advertising various clubs and student organizations had been set up, desperately vying for the attention of any student that happened to pass by. Several groups of students idled about nearby, some occasionally glancing at him as they passed by. But they never approached, never expressed interest in joining. They never do. Some might smile at him or give him weird looks, while others might ignore him entirely. But in the end, they always behaved in the same predictable way.

Right on cue, a pair of students in wrestleball gear passed by. One of them gave him a dirty look, whispering to his friend as they gave his table a wide berth. But their actions don’t bother him. They don’t so much as sting. In the end, the other students were just voiceless bits of data, and they just did what they always did.

His attention shifted to a booth across the pathway. Meowkie stood by herself, looking out for a certain someone. Cousin, of course. She always looks for them. Just like all the other datable caricatures in Dating Sim Hell World.

The slightest of smiles — a wistful, wry smile — crossed his face for mere seconds before he turned away. Cousin dated her in a recent cycle. They certainly wouldn’t go for her again so soon. He almost felt bad for her. Without Cousin there for her, she’d just get pushed around by the other students and blamed for things out of her control. Just like she always did.

His gaze shifted away again, spotting the adorable alien in question conversing with Blue Max. Ah, so that’s who they’d selected this time. It’s not the first time they’d dated Blue Max, and he doubted it would be the last. He supposed Cousin had a soft spot for the sensitive ones. At least they weren’t dating Hiromi or Terezi this time; those routes always made him cringe just a little.

Shifting his gaze further still, he spotted a speck of purple down the path, standing out against the colorful crowd. Anti-Bravoman was watching the exchange as well. Davesprite let out a disinterested hum, leaning forward to rest his chin on the palm of one of his hands. That poor sap got chosen just last time. Who knew when he’d be selected again?

Cousin and Blue Max began to walk back towards the school, Anti watching them go. Davesprite rose from his seat, preparing to go off and dow who knows what, but he paused. Huh, had Anti always watched Cousin leave? He shook his head. Oh, what was he saying, of course he must have. The game always played out the same. No matter what Cousin did, everything went down the same predetermined paths.

The other students begin to disperse, and the little effects of Cousin’s choice are evident. Davesprite counted them off on his head. Taira won’t immediately go to the wrestleball game. Instead, he’ll gather up a couple of the other players and go heckle Blue Max at his club. But everyone else would still follow their usual patterns, just without Cousin. Meowkie would go do her hall monitor thing, Richard would go to culinary club, and Anti-Bravoman would go to poetry club. Just like everyone else would do their own clubs.

He wouldn’t bother with his webcomic club, of course. Despite how much the game tries to compel him, he hadn’t bothered with that in a long time. After the first dozen or so cycles, he’d abandoned his schedule, doing whatever he pleased when the game didn’t call for him to interact with Cousin. Admittedly, doing what he pleased usually meant doing nothing, but that didn’t matter. So long as he didn’t get in the way of Cousin, everything would go fine. The game wouldn’t care. The game wouldn’t compel him to move elsewhere.

But as he began floating away, he realized something was off.

Instead of wandering off like all the others, Anti-Bravoman was still rooted to the spot. At first, he thought it must have been a little error. Sometimes the game glitched, after all. He’d return to his normal path soon enough, none the wiser that there was ever anything wrong.

Anti glanced up, noticing Davesprite. He locked eyes with him for just a moment, then suddenly let out a squeak and averted his gaze. Davesprite fully expected him to turn and run off towards Poetry club. Maybe he’d go, too. Watching Anti make a fool of himself trying to act cool and edgy might be fun.

But Anti didn’t run off towards the café. Instead, he turned and dashed towards the school steps. Davesprite’s mouth dropped open as he stared where Anti had disappeared.

That. That wasn’t normal. Throughout all the resets he’d experienced, Davesprite had never seen Anti enter the school on club day. This was new. And as much as the voice in the back of his head told him that this wasn’t anything important, and that he was probably just forgetting something, he couldn’t help but be curious.

So, despite a little itch telling him to do otherwise, he floated through the doors and after Anti.

*****

Davesprite’s search for the rogue student brought him to the roof, where he found Anti sitting on the edge with his back turned, kicking his feet idly. His bullshit guide abilities tell him that there are no events that are supposed to happen up here today, a fact that helped alleviate that itching feeling that he was in a place he shouldn’t be.

Yet, at the same time, it gave him an uneasy, twisting feeling in his stomach that threatened to make him sick. (Could he even get sick?) There was something wrong. Neither of them were supposed to be here. But more importantly, Anti-Bravoman wasn’t supposed to be here.

Uncertain of how to break the silence, Davesprite floated just a bit closer but said nothing, silently closing the door behind him. Sure, he could just float up to him and go, “hey you know you’re not supposed to be here right don’t you have poetry club to get to or something?” But something about that didn’t feel right in the moment. So instead, he opts to just say, “hey.”

Anti jolted at the sound of his voice, letting out an out-of-character, high-pitched squeak of alarm. He scrambled to his feet and spun around, looking ready to bolt at a moment’s notice. But then his eyes lit up with recognition, and he relaxed slightly. He tilted his head.

“…Davesprite?” There was confusion in his voice, but it wasn’t the hesitant confusion of someone trying to recognize the face of someone they were vaguely familiar with. No, it was the confusion of someone who wasn’t expecting to see anyone else. “What are you doing up here?”

Offering a coy smile and a shrug of his shoulders, Davesprite did the best he could to play it off. “Can’t a guy get a little privacy? I mean the roof is supposed to be off limits and all. But it’s kinda hard to enforce that when a student can fly don’t you think? But anyways what about you? You up here doing like. Some Batman shtick or something? Like. I can see you doing a deep gravelly voice. Monologuing about how dark and broody you are and how the world can’t understand you or something. Some pseudo deep poetic bullshit like that. Speaking of that don’t you like. Go to poetry club or something today?”

Anti flinched and turned his head away, his gaze dropping back towards the ground. “They wouldn’t understand the… inky depths of my soul. The darkness that dwells within me. The depressive state of my innermost being. But that’s enough focusing on my inner demons. What about you, aren’t you supposed to be at poetry club or something?”

He had to suppress a snort to prevent himself from laughing out loud at Anti’s edgy antics. Teasing, whether lighthearted or not, would be the fastest way to get nowhere with his questions. He shrugged. “Poetry club sounds cool and all but I prefer making shitty comics to spitting hot rhymes these days.”

He approached the edge of the roof, taking a seat next to where Anti had been a moment before. His tail curled around, hanging over the edge beside him as he patted the edge, inviting Anti to sit beside him.

Anti stared at him for a moment before sitting back down a few feet back. Then he laid back, his arms behind his head. “I mean,” he began, keeping his gaze on the clouds above them, “no one is going to miss me if I don’t go to poetry club. Cousin might ask about it but all I gotta do is make up a little lie. It’s not like it changes anything in the end.”

Something about the way he said that made Davesprite suck in a breath. It’s familiar, in a way. Like Anti took the words right out of his mouth. He blinked a couple times, digesting the statement before turning back to look at Anti. As soon as Anti realized he was staring, though, he sat back up and looked away.

“I mean. Think about it,” Anti said quickly. Maybe almost too quickly. Or maybe Davesprite was just overthinking things. “It’s not like I have any friends here. I don’t help people out with their bike problems or participate in any of the other clubs or anything. Or just. Have friends in general. If I don’t show up, no one’s going to know.”

He has a point. But at the same time, that didn’t make the nagging feeling in the back of his head go away. Because he knew the way this game worked. He knew Anti wasn't actively involved in any route but his own, and that he only ever made passive remarks about his actions. But still. The game had a way that it did things. Everyone was a caricature, unable to deviate from their script. Everyone but himself.

Or so he thought.

Davesprite realized that he had zoned out. Anti was still rambling, trying to come up with some sort of excuse as to why he was up here. Because that’s all it was. Excuses. Davesprite ignored it all, instead just uttering two words barely above a whisper. “You know.”

Anti’s voice stopped mid-sentence, the words dying in his throat. Swallowing nervously, he tugged at his scarf. “Know what?”

Davesprite frowned. “I mean. We can beat around the bush all day and all but Cuz is only going to be busy for so long, you know? And then we all have to go home and do nothing for the rest of the day and then come back and have to pretend like we did what we were supposed to do. Or we’re supposed to at least. I guess I could always say that I did jack shit but even if I did it wouldn’t make a difference anyways. If anything going off-script would just cause things to reset prematurely or something. Shit’s pretty whack and all but what can you do. So instead you just shrug it off and try and trick them into thinking there’s a harem ending or some shit.”

“What are you…” Anti blinked at him a few times, trying to digest his words. When the implications finally sank in, he stiffened. He stood up suddenly, pulling his scarf up a little higher. “I need to go. I-I have a poetry club to get to.”

“I mean if you don’t want to talk about it that’s cool and all. But.” Davesprite paused. What good would it do to force it. If he was right, then Anti apparently didn’t want to talk to him about it. Which was frustrating, knowing that there might be someone that understood his plight right in front of him, refusing to admit it. But if he was wrong, he’d just make a huge fool of himself.

Then again, if he was wrong, it wouldn’t make a difference in the long run. Anti would just forget this whole conversation in a week, and his sad, miserable little existence trapped in a looping video game would just return to the usual.

He would speak up. “You’re not exactly the most popular student or anything. It’s not like you got anything else to do. Heh. Imagine if you were popular like Donko or Galaga. Always surrounded by other students. Beloved by all. Wouldn’t that be wild? Then again you’re not an inanimate object. Seeps like that’s what it takes to get popular around here. You think someone would date Cousin’s Katamari if they were given the chance? I think it could be pretty cute.” What was he saying?

“What are you trying to say?” Anti gave him a weird look, shaking his head. “Why are you even bothering me with all this. You’ve never paid me any mind before.”

Because he needed to know . He needed proof that he wasn’t alone in this mess. “All I’m saying is that you usually go to poetry club don’t you? You run off and go hide in the rafters and give this dramatic speech about meat prisons that nobody seems to like. I guess you’re going to go do that now so I’ll stop bothering you. Have fun and all.” He shrugged, rising from his spot, and prepared to lower himself to the ground.

“Wait.”

Davesprite turned around. Anti was standing still, staring at him. He wring his hands together nervously, eyes darting to the side. “Are… you really being serious? You’re not messing with me, right?”

Sincerity wasn’t one of Davesprite’s strengths, so instead he replied with his usual flair. “I ain’t clowning with you. The only person I’m clowning on is myself. Well. Right now anyways. It’s not like there’s anyone else here right now. God damn. Do you really remember stuff? Wish you’d have said something sooner bro. It kind of fucking sucks talking to people and getting the same cookie cuter responses every time. Like a bunch of fucking puppets. Ugh.”  

Anti tilted his head so that he was staring at the ground and rubbed his shoulder. “I don’t think I’m supposed to,” he admitted. “I don’t think I’m supposed to know.”

Seeing at how vulnerable, and, yeah, kind of pathetic, Anti looked at the moment, Davesprite almost felt bad. Almost. “What you think the fact that you know about all this is like. Some sort of glitch or something. I mean, hello, I’m Mr. Guide Knowitall and I didn’t know about this so you may be on to something. But. I mean. I also feel like I should have noticed a glitch or some shit like that. Then again I did see you acting weird today so I guess I did notice but…”

“I was just missing Cousin,” Anti said quietly without looking up. “Even if it’s all temporary and all part of a script, they make me feel good about myself.”

Davesprite sucked in a deep breath. Still keeping his gaze down, Anti walked back to the edge of the roof. Finally, he turned back to look at Davesprite. “I… I’d like to talk about this more. I think. But… Cousin will probably be finishing their event right about now.”

“There’s always tomorrow,” Davesprite suggested before pausing. “Well. Not tomorrow. The day after. We could meet up and. I dunno. Discuss why videogames suck and maybe why you have control over your actions?”

Hesitation crossed Anti’s face. But it was gone just as quickly. He nodded. “We should probably go somewhere away from the school, since Cousin should be here if they continue down their current path… I think. I don’t know, I don’t follow them around. The café, maybe?”

Davesprite raised a hand up, offering Anti a fist bump. “It’s a date.” He paused. “Well. Not a date. But. You know.”

Anti rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. “Eh, heh… no, I get it. I’m a swirling pit of darkness. A walking pile of — admittedly totally cool — edge. Not exactly Cousin material. I don’t think that’s what you meant anyways.”

Davesprite laughed, because of course he’s skittish like that. “See you then.”

*****

The next day, as always, passed in a blur. From his seat, Davesprite watched, bored, as Cousin talked to Bluemax and a couple other students, but did little else. They just don’t speak to them all like they used to. Anti kept to his seat in the back of the room, idly scrawling away in a notebook.

Curious, Davesprite rose from his seat, mindful of his tail as he made his way across the room to take a look at what Anti was doing. He expected to see bars upon bars of poetry, but instead was met with surprisingly pristine doodles of robots. Little, less clean doodles of Anti charged at the robots, destroying them in some pictures. Some of the bots he recognized as the ones from Evil Namco High. The ones that they all fought at the end of every week. But others are totally unfamiliar.

Anti glanced up and caught Davesprite’s eye, but quickly looked away, placing his hand over the notebook. Davesprite couldn’t get a good read of his emotions at the moment, but the way the antennas on his helmet drooped suggested that he was embarrassed or otherwise flustered. He raised his brow at the reaction, but said nothing and instead just took one of the nearby empty seats.

The two of them sat in silence for a moment. Lingering doubts began to swirl in Davesprite’s mind. What if everything from yesterday hadn’t been real. Perhaps he had made it up, in some desperate desire for company.

He almost said anything. But then he swallowed nervously and said, “are we still on. For tomorrow. You know. Date at the café and all.”

There he went, calling it a date again. Not because it was. But it was kind of fun to get Anti a bit flustered. His behavior when he wasn’t putting on the edgy, tough guy emo kid persona was quite a bit different, and almost kind of cute in a way.

Anti nodded slowly. “I… thought you said it wasn’t a date. But yeah. I should have nothing better to do.”

Davesprite let out a relieved breath and smiled. Thank god he was right. At least he didn’t make a total fool of yourself.

“I’ll let you get back to your doodles then,” he said, waving a hand dismissively before leaning away and settling down to just chill out and watch the room, waiting for time to pass.

“T-they’re battle plans!” Anti sputtered, holding the notebook up to his chest. Davesprite just smiled.

*****

They waited for Cousin and Blue Max to leave before sneaking out. Anti insisted on jumping out the window, which Davesprite decided to go along with. For the first time, he got to see that Anti wasn’t actually just some kid in a silly costume. Grabbing hold of the windowsill, Anti’s arms stretched , allowing him to carefully lower himself onto the ground. Without reacting outwardly, Davesprite lowered himself to the ground after him. Not a single student said a thing as they slipped away. Not that they ever did.

The café was only a short walk away. After all, everything in the game had to be close by. There was only what, like three locations outside of the school? Four? It certainly saved on resources.

Save for the staff, the café was empty. No need to waste resources on patrons if Cousin wasn’t coming. The two of them sat down at a table near the back, neither saying anything at first. Not until the waiter came, at least.

“Got anything with birdseed?” Davesprite asked, his eyes skimming through the menu idly.

“... We do not,” the waiter replied flatly.

What kind of establishment didn’t carry birdseed? But he shrugged it off, waving a hand dismissively. “Eh…. I’ll take a sugar cookie then. And a cup of ice water I guess.”

“I’ll take a hot chocolate. Extra whipped cream please.”

Davesprite waited for the waiter to jot their order down and walk off, tracing circles on the table with his finger. “Didn’t take you for the hot chocolate type of guy. With all your dark, angsty poetry I would have thought you’d order ‘coffee as black as my soul’ or something like that. Seems more on brand or whatever.”

“I mean yeah it is,” Anti said quickly, adjusting his scarf. “But, uh, that would be wasteful. Just because something is ‘on brand’ for how I act in-game doesn’t mean it’s who I am as a person.”

“Touché. So the poetry is all for the game, then?”

“Oh, no, it’s very me. I’m supposed to be the dark avenger, the tortured soul, shunned by society.” He paused, staring at the table. “But, I mean, that’s not all there is to me, you know?”

Davesprite opened his mouth to say something, but paused when their order was brought to their table. Peeling the wrapper from his straw, he sat it aside and took a sip before speaking again. “Well, while we’re here, might as well talk about how we ended up in this situation. I mean, the short story of your life and all. I could talk about mine all day but well. That would be one hell of a story. It’d take weeks to tell that shit yo. We’d be up to our necks in video game bullshit. Then again. Aren’t we anyways?”

Anti chuckled, the tone bitter. “Guess you’re right there. I’ll tell you more of my story if you tell me yours. The, um. Short version.”

“Fair enough. Long story short is that I’m basically the doomed version of a cool dude named Dave. Went back in time and fused with an asshole crow and became this mess.” He paused to gesture to himself. “You know. Standard video game fare. Did I mention he was playing a game too? Wild stuff. Doomsday game. Ended the world. All that mess. I watched my bro die. That was pretty shit. But that’s not important here. Anyways after like. Three years of things went to shit and I just. Fucked off. Pretty sure that timeline was doomed anyways. Whatever. Anyways, I just kind of ended up here in video game hell. Guess that’s my punishment for not being good enough. Being surrounded by a bunch of soulless caricatures that just act and react the same way every time, no matter what you do. Can’t change things. Well. Till I found out that you’re not. Wild. Maybe it’s not quite hell after all but like. Purgatory or some shit. I dunno I never really gave a shit about all that.”

He looked up, realizing just how long he’d been rambling now. Anti was staring at him, though between the visor and the scarf that covered his face, his expression was pretty hard to read.

“Anyways, how about you? I think I said enough here.”

Anti pulled his scarf down just enough to expose a frown. Huh, his skin was the same color as his suit. Davesprite wasn’t sure why he hadn’t expected that. Anti lifted the mug, taking a small sip before sitting it down again. A little bit of the whipped cream stuck to his face, a stark contrast to the dark tone. He wiped it away before staring at the mug for a moment, the corners of his mouth twisting into a wistful smile. “I guess my origin isn’t as different as you’d think. I’m… a science experiment, you could say. A byproduct of chance. An alien gave a man some superpowers that he called from space. But by total chance, some of it split off and hit a mad scientist’s experiment and made me. I guess I’m not a clone, per say, but I was given life by the same power that made him a hero and I share most traits with him. Bravoman, that’s his name. And that’s where the ‘Anti’ part of my name comes from. I guess you could say my whole identity revolves around him.”

He paused, laughing bitterly. His hands gripped the edge of the table, fingertips clenching tightly. “Which is why it’s kind of funny that it never comes up in my story here. Nothing from my home world does, except my penchant for the dark and dramatic. Heck, I wasn’t even a villain there. And I’d barely qualify as an antagonist, despite my best efforts. It took an evil, alternate universe version of myself to even be recognized as a rival. But… that’s getting into complex issues.

“All that to say… In my universe, half of my super powers revolve around meta. Recognizing that I was part of a webcomic and playing with that medium. I wonder if that’s why I was able to break out of the game’s mold. One day I just woke up in detention, with these words and memories of things I never did — like attending Evil Namco High — in my head. I didn’t question it the first time. The second time I thought I must be having a weird dream. But after a while, I knew something was up. I started trying to figure out how I got here. And tried to figure out if there was a way out.” Another bitter laugh. “Never have.”

Davesprite frowned, placing his elbows on the table so he could prop his chin on his hands. “Well. Shit. If that ain’t a story and a half. I guess it explains a lot. Um…” Jesus. Anti looked about ready to cry. And he wasn’t good at that whole consoling business. He lowered one hand, drumming his fingers on the table before reaching to break off a bite of the cookie. “Want some?”

Anti blinked, staring at him for a moment before opening his palm so Davesprite could drop the cookie piece into his hands. “…Thanks. I… I never really knew if everything you said was a part of the game, or if you were really in control of yourself. And I never got the courage to ask because, well, I was afraid that if I did, the game would take notice and I’d… lose control of myself, or something. Does that ever scare you?”

He sucked in a sharp breath before nodding slowly. “I mean I don’t think it would if everything I’ve done to stretch the limits of this game hasn’t done so already. But I can understand your concern.”

Nodding slowly in response, Anti took another sip of his chocolate. “I guess now that the cat’s out of the bag though… Maybe things won’t be as lonely around here?” There was a hopeful tone in his voice. And as much as Davesprite wanted to be defeatist and say that none of it would matter, he just nods in response.

“Guess we could just. I dunno. Blow the game off and do whatever on day three, huh? What do you usually do again?”

“Get peer pressured by total strangers I’m led to believe are former classmates into kidnapping Pac Man. You?”

“Same,” Davesprite joked, shaking his head. “No, I just usually fuck off and do whatever. God it feels so nice to be able to swear. Did you ever notice how we’re never allowed to swear despite the game having several little innuendos here and there? Funny how standards are different. Kind of like how they made sure everyone was at least eighteen in the game. You know why. You ever think about how Taira is thousands of years old and yet he’s a student here? Weirdest shit.”

Anti blinked. “Uh… I don’t actually know what you’re talking about.”

He didn’t? Davesprite snorted. Oh that was hilarious. “God you’re just as innocent as Cousin. That’s hilarious.”

“Anyways, I think we’re running out of time, but this has been fun. Kind of cathartic actually. We should definitely meet up again, don’t you think?”

Anti smiled before pulling his scarf up. “I would like that. So… in two days… somewhere?”

Davesprite began to get up from his seat. “Sounds as good as anything to me.”

*****

They spent the next detention day passing notes to each other, and chatting once Cousin seemed to be done talking. Anti told Davesprite more about his world, while Davesprite told him more about his. Much of the same was done in the day that followed, albeit elsewhere in the school. It amazed Davesprite just how much more bearable passing the time became, just with Anti being there to help him pass it.

*****

Cousin picked Lolo on the next reset. This time, they hadn’t even bothered to talk to anyone else. Davesprite waited for the crowd to disperse before approaching Anti, Keeping a nonchalant expression. “So I was kind of thinking,” he began, shrugging his shoulders. “Since I saw you drawing the other day and all. Seems like you’d enjoy the webcomic club or some shit. Room’s unoccupied if you wanna go there and pass the time.”

Anti blinked at him a couple times, like he hadn’t expected to be approached. Then his eyes squinted and the antennas on his helmet stuck up, and Davesprite got the idea that he was grinning. “Sounds fun! Lead the way.”

And that’s where he and Anti spent the next hour, doodling stupid little comics to pass the time. Davesprite did his usual shitty ironic comic shtick and got a kick out of Anti’s attempts to overanalyze them and find a deeper meaning. Anti, meanwhile, busied himself with drawing a more refined version of the doodles he’d seen in the notebook before. It was kind of adorable.

“I’ve kind of gotten used to drawing them by memory now,” Anti explained as Davesprite looked over the images. “Since, you know, everything always ends up getting erased in the end.”

“Tell me about it,” Davesprite said. “Kinda surprised you bother at all. Knowing that it all goes away in the end.”

Anti doesn’t say anything after that. And for a moment, Davesprite thought he might have genuinely upset him. But then Anti shook his head. “No, you have a point. But it’s like. I don’t want to forget anything, you know? At least there’s something a bit more permanent now. Something that’s going to stick.” He raised his hand to gesture to Davesprite. “Our friendship. This uh. This is a friendship, right?”

Davesprite snickered. “Wow you’re a real dork you know that. But yeah if you consider hanging around a feathery asshole a friendship then I’m all for it and all that. It’s better than being totally alone in Dating Sim Hellscape.”

That got a laugh out of Anti.

*****

It became a habit, going forward, for the two of them to meet up and pass the time. The next reset, Cousin dated Taira, and the davesprite learned that Anti actually knew quite a bit about building robots.

The reset that followed saw Cousin joining up with Richard Miller. Davesprite cracked a joke about how Richard and Albatross would go great together, and Anti replied that it was too bad they couldn’t mess with the code that much, just to see what would happen.

Al was picked the reset after that, and Davesprite couldn’t help but wonder if whatever player force that controlled Cousin was thinking of the same idea. He and Anti spent most of their time at the café this time, only avoiding the area when Al and Cousin were there. In those times, they kept busy reading and making silly comics. Even if they lost the records each time the game reset, at least they had the memories of the pleasant times.

Davesprite was selected the next reset. The week passed with him doing his usual bullshit. And yet, he couldn’t help but think about Anti the whole time, and how real he felt in comparison to this. Several times, he’d glance in Anti’s direction during detention, only to catch Anti doing the same.

He didn’t expect Anti to hug him tightly when the next reset came around, rambling about how much he missed him.

And suddenly, Davesprite started to realize that maybe this was becoming something more than a friendship. Yet, the words remained unspoken between them, through reset after reset.

*****

One reset, Cousin did something strange. Day one went on as normal, with Cousin electing to spend time with Mr. Driller. Yet, the second day, Cousin chose Donko.

As Anti watched the two of them sneak out through the window, he leaned over to Davesprite. “What are they doing?” he mumbled.

Davesprite stared with a blank expression on his face, his hands clenched into fists. “They’re experimenting,” he said quietly. “The player. They’re trying to see what happens if they play the game differently. Fucking with our lives just to see what would happen. To see if they can get a game over, perhaps.”

“What happens when they get a game over?” Anti asked.

Davesprite swallowed nervously. “You. Me. Everyone that goes to confront Evil Namco High. We…”

Die.

He didn’t say the word, and yet it hung in the air like a weight waiting to be dropped.

Anti sucked in a breath, wringing his hands together. “Oh…” A long silence passed between them. “I don’t want to…”

“Yeah.”

Another silence, Anti glanced down at the doodles on his page. Suddenly, he didn’t feel quite so heroic. “Davesprite… you’re the more knowledgeable of the two of us. What would happen if we just… didn’t go?”

Davesprite had to pause for a moment. What would happen. It wasn’t like they were the ones fighting alongside Cousin. They weren’t the ones that determined the outcome of the battle. “I mean. It wouldn’t change the outcome of the fight. Jury's out on whether or not we’d die though. Since like. Not fighting isn’t really an option in the game itself in all.”

Anti was silent again. He traced circles on the surface of the desk with his finger. “I guess… I guess there’s only one way to find out, huh?”

*****

They waited until Cousin had made their selection — Donko, who they had only hung out with on the second day — before slipping away. No one noticed as they moved away from the gathering crowd of students. Or at least, no one said anything, but Davesprite hadn’t expected them to.

He led the way to Zweihander Ridge where the two of them laid out on the grass. They could hear explosions in the distance, but the two of them did their best to ignore it.

“This is some pretty depressing shit huh,” Davesprite said, letting his hands rest at his side. “Who would have thought dying was a possibility in video game hell huh? I mean I know Jane’s route has her and Cousin die but like. They come back before the end. In this ending you just. Don’t. It’s like a fresh reset. You do one thing wrong and dead Davesprites start piling up. Not fun. Not cool Cousin. Seeing a corpse of yourself is the worst, you know. Awkward as hell.”

He felt something brush against his hand. Looking over, he spotted Anti’s hand resting on top. He gave Davesprite the most serious look he thought he’d ever seen him give.

“Look, I… I don’t know. What that’s like. It sounds… awful. And I don’t know what’s going to happen with all this.” Another explosion sounded in the distance. “But like. Whatever happens, we’ll face it together, right?”

Davesprite stared for a moment. Then he smirked and moved his hand so that his fingers intertwined with Anti’s. “You’re goddamn right about that. Who would have thought mister doom and gloom would be so hopeful? It’s kind of cute.”

He sat up for just a moment, which made Anti sit up too, his head tilted in confusion.

“You know maybe we should just like. Make this official and all.” Leaning forward, Davesprite used his free hand to tug down Anti’s scarf. Anti’s mouth hung open ever-so-slightly.

“Davesprite, you… I…”

Davesprite gave Anti a quick peck on the cheek before leaning back, giving Anti an uncharacteristically serious expression. “When I ended up here, I thought everything about this world was fake. Everyone was little more than a caricature. Little more than a game construct, a bastardization of who they could be. Yet here we are. You’re not. God damnit Anti, don’t ever leave me.”

Anti’s mouth hung open in shock. For just a moment, Davesprite regretted being so candid.

But then Anti smiled, and Davesprite felt his heart flutter.

“Don’t worry Davesprite, I’m not going anywhere.”

Hesitantly, Davesprite let his ghostly tail wrap around Anti’s waist. There the two of them sat, watching as the town far below grew quiet. It was over. The game would reset soon. The world seemed to slowly grow brighter around them.

Davesprite smiled. “You have no idea how happy that makes me.”

[myhusbandsasemni]

The Balance Keeper

Part IV.............Portal

Master post here

Read on Wattpad here

I prepared for a long journey. I wasn’t alone anymore. I would find that Alex girl if it took me to the ends of the world. Even if she tried to kill me or called me a monster. I didn’t care. I just needed to talk to her. She knew something about me and I needed to know who I was. I needed company, a sense that I was not alone. I needed to know that the stars would stop ignoring me.

I packed my gear and started off, starting in the place where I’d met that girl. Tracking her turned out to be harder than I thought it would. I would have her trail, and then she would suddenly disappear. Many times I had to stand in place and stare around me for upwards of an hour before I could figure out what trick she used and see where she had gone. She crossed rivers, touched trees, traveled in circles, masked her trail with leaves and sand, but the trail grew clearer and clearer the longer I traveled. She had been so sure of her tricks that she stopped trying to mask her progress. And she was traveling fast, now.

I stopped at the mouth of a cave. I took a deep breath and pulled out a torch. I knew this cave. There was no way out except for the one opening. I found no tracks coming back out. I’d found her.

I traveled down into the dark, lifting the torch high to make sure she didn’t slip past me in the dark. I had reached the bottom of the steps I had cut out about a year ago when I noticed a pale, flickering light coming from around the corner so I doused my torch and came around the corner slowly. She was standing in front of a swirling….something. A portal. Her hair glowed in the ghostly light. I was no longer sure if I wanted to talk to her. Or even be near her. She seemed to me like the haunting ghost of a vengeful demon. With her arms lifted in front of the portal, she looked ready to curse anyone who came near. My heart pulsed as I thought that. A curse. And that ghostly light.

“W-wait!” I exclaimed hesitantly when I saw she was about to step through.

Alex turned to me. Her eyes were full of a malicious and hateful light. She looked down on me scornfully before she stepped back into the portal, almost daring me to follow her into the ghost mist. I leapt after her, suddenly desperate for answers, afraid of being alone again. Before I could touch the swirling ghost mist, it disappeared and my hand slapped the rock wall behind it. I stood in shock, cold seeping into my hand and down my arm from the stone. It felt like I stood there for eternity, waiting for the full realization of what happened to hit me.

It hit me hard.

I slammed my fists into the wall, breaking apart the stone. The anger, disappointment, and somehow relief were suffocating me. Ready to destroy the walls, I pulled back for another strike. Halfway through, though, I lost my anger to despair. My fist tapped the wall and I leaned against it, pressing my forehead into the stone as if that would take away the pain. Tears streamed down my cheeks. I was so weak. I was slow and dumb. I couldn’t even find the answers I knew everyone was supposed to have about themselves.

I fell to my knees facing the wall, still pressing my forehead and hands into the stone. “Who am I?” I muttered. In the end, it all boiled down to that question. All my other questions stemmed from that. Who was I?

I got up, wiped the mud and grime from my face, and left that dark room. I went back up to the surface and pointed myself in the direction of my house. I didn’t really know what else to do. There really wasn’t anything else to do.

I fell back into my normal routine, but that girl came up in my thoughts constantly. She said it had been forbidden that she come and talk to me. Forbidden by who? Why was it forbidden?

I lay down in a field of grass at noon one day in autumn and considered everything that had happened to me since I woke up. Ever since the cave I had taken to thinking about that day, seeing if I could figure out what was going on. Had the girl even been here? Was I going crazy at last? I closed my eyes and thought long and hard, hoping to drag up memories. None came.

Finally, I stood up. I was going to roam this world again and look for answers. I would go to the deepest oceans and climb every mountain. I was going to learn who I was before I lost it. In this whole world, there had to be one clue. If not about me then about that Alex and her strange disappearing portal.

With that, I packed my stuff and left another house behind. Another shell, like me.

Tag list: @artrayasnow93 @midevefox @dowings @extraisthmus @creativewritergirl1

[curls-cat]

Forever-after

Thank you for the submission anon! I’m... not sure I know you? If I do, tell me, but I don’t recognize the email lol. Anyway I’m posting it under a read more because I don’t wanna make people scroll down past something too long.

Waking up was always a struggle for Sabrina. Not because she wasn’t a morning person, (though it was part of it) but because she was afraid of the next prank puck would throw at her.

Puck had grown to make a routine, (the only one that he kept to) to prank her with something devilish every morning, and frankly, he seemed to be running out of ideas. Sense he super-glued that baseball to her head, they hadn’t talked much. Other that the occasional “hey” or “hello”, they never spoke. Now, Sabrina had gone through 5 years of his pranks, from the day they met, to today, she had woken up to a tarantula somewhere in her room, and a water balloon full of sewage.

But today was different. Not just because it was her birthday, but there was no prank. The whole morning she expected puck to be horrible, teasing her because she had one. But puck didn’t even glance at her. It wasn’t until breakfast when daphne spoke up to the surprising quietness.

“Happy birthday Sabrina” she mumbled with her mouth full of the strange purple French toast they were being served. Elvis perked up and looked at daphne with a knowing look. She smiled and tossed him one, and Sabrina watched as they both ate hungrily at the food. Relax walked in and looked at the room as if she was trying to solve a puzzle. After what seemed like forever, she seemed to have solved it and spoke to daphne.

“Łîbłíńg!, why don’t you take Elvis for a walk?” Sabrina sighed, pushing away the plate she had just sat dow to “enjoy”.

“Not you Sabrina” granny chuckled. “You have some talking to do!” She cried, nodding to puck.

“It’s OK granny, I will go with Daph,”. Sabrina cried, afraid of the moments she and puck would have alone.

Granny shot her a warning look, and Sabrina understood. Reluctantly, she grabbed her plate and pushed it aside, along with the large pot blocking her view from puck. The second she punched it aside, she almost screamed. Puck looked different. He had dark circles under his eyes, and looked shaky from head to toe. Sabrina rushes next to him, checking it he was ok. “Puck, what happend to you?!?” She half yelled. He seemed to have awoken from a trance, because when she placed her hand on his shoulder, he jumped in surprise, pushing her to the ground causing the table to shake, and the entire pot of steaming home made syrup to pour all over her. She shouted as she felt the boiling subtance cover her from head to toe. She was awaiting his cruel laughter as she felt tears come to her closed eyes because of the pain reaching her skin. But surprisingly, it never came. Instead, she felt someone pick her up quickly, and rush her up the stairs.

She thought her mom had come into the room while she ate but she wasn’t sure. Maybe it was her who picked her up? She didn’t know it it was the almost lava feeling syrup, or the shock from the accident, but she thought she heard pucks voice.

Of course a good NORMAL syrup wouldn’t have Incased itself into a cocoon after a minute of being in the open, but green syrup aperantly had that effect. All of this was happening waaaay too fast. One minute she was eating food, the next she was trapped in food unable to tell if it was puck or her mother almost dragging her to the restroom.

It seemed like days later she awoke in what seemed like a forest, looking up at a chimpanzee fighting a banana. She sat up, looking at the world around her. Of course… puck was above her, floating his was at a blinding speed toward her. She would have moved out of the way, if she could, but her arms wouldn’t allow her.

Instead of being greeted by an annoying laugh, or a rude comment, she felt puck’s arms around her and quiet sobbing.

“P-Puck, what are you-” she began

Puck looked up, and his still tired face, red from crying, was only inches from hers. Puck suddenly turned away, somehow even redder then before.

“I-I thought you were gone Sabrina…” he mumbled.

“Puck I-” she spoke before, yet another interruption awoke.

“Puck! We found Elvis!” Daphne screamed as she burst through the doors. “Are you any closer with Sabrina?” She said as her tone went from a shout to almost a whisper. I was about to speak, but puck shook his head.

“She hasn’t even flinched” he lied.

“Oh Puck” Daphne cried as she ran to give him a hug. “She will wake up soon” she assured him.

What was happening? First a hug from a crying puck, then they found Elvis, who was gone for like 5 minutes, and the strangest of all… Puck was allowing Daphne to hug him. No rude comments, just silence. Daphne backed away from him, and looked to the door.

“I guess I better go help uncle jake, that bullet did some damage to his knee. Good luck with Sabrina” she said as leaving the room.

The second she left, Puck rushed to Sabrina, his face a little more calm.

“Why did you lie to her puck?” She said in shock. Puck was everything but a liar. Literally. With all of the kingdoms, planets, and realms he had been banished from, he only lied with pranks.

“ you need rest, and… we need to talk Sabrina.”. He sounded serious. Like someone died serious.

“Do you know how long you have been asleep?” He said quietly.

“A few days?” I guessed, trying to match it while knowing that sleeping makes it seem like a lot less time.

“Try 4 months” he whispered coldly

I gasped, not knowing what to say.

“Elvis went missing the day you were burned, and now he’s back the day you wake. Coincidence? I think not,”. He said.

“Elvis went missing?” Sabrina almost shouted.

“Shhhhh!” He shot.

“Sorry” Sabrina mumbled.

“You were cast under a spell of some sort. We tried so many things, but it seemed to be a timed curse. You woke up when Elvis came back, so that means there is a connection of some sort.” He said while floating down next to her.

“Elvis found a girlfriend” he said with what seemed like… jealousy?

Sabrina was shocked. Was puck jealous that a dog got a girlfriend faster than he could in 4,000 years?

Puck looked at her, sitting her up. “I think it’s time I got one too,”. He said looking at her with an unbreakable stare.

Sabrina didn’t know what to say. Was this really puck? Why was he so… nice?

“I have been worried to the point where I tried to kill mys-“ he stopped, deciding if it was a good idea to say that.

“Puck!” She shouted. “Why would you, in all of your life, ever do that to yourself!” She felt tears come to her eyes as he looked down in shame, breaking the stare.

“Because Sabrina…” he started, “I-I love you…” He finished.

“Puck, I…” her voice softened.

He caught her words with a kiss, and then flew off.

(5 years later) Do you take Sabrina as your lawfully wedded wife? “I do” he said.

And Sabrina, do you take puck as your lawfully wedded husband?

“ I do” she said through a wide smile.

“Then you may now, kiss the bride.”

They both warmly embraced each other, a smile spread a mile wide. They would live happily ever after.

Thousand of years could pass and still, they would love each other. Because Sabrina found she became an everafter as well, because when Elvis went missing, so did her human. Their spirits became protected, and forever more, she stayed in ferrypot landing, protecting what she loved. Though her family passed on, she taught every new generation, including her own children. And for futures to come. Though sometimes she still awoke to a tarantula or two, she began learning how to live with it.

The end

[calliecat93]

Okay, I need to vent this out. The ‘Ruby is really Qrow’s daughter’ theory baffle me for MULTIPLE reasons. Now if you believe the theory, that is fine. Who am I to kill others enjoyment? It is a fun theory with character development opportunities for everyone involved if true... but there’s still various issues with it. If it’s true, great. But there’s really no hinting or anything to confirm it and it breaks a lot of logic. THis is a critical post looking at the reasons that, inmy opinion,t he theory jsut doens’t work. It’s only my opinuon and youa re free to agree or disagree with me. Thank you, and now lets get this out of my system.

1. Genetics

This is probably the most common argument I’ve seen. When you look at Ruby, she doesn't really have anything matching Tai the same way Yang does. Now we’ve seen a photo of Summer, and Ruby does take after her in various ways (silver eyes, body structure, wears a hood). But her appearance, wearing a lot of black and red, matches Qrow more. Her fighting style also closely matches Qrow and he’s the one she’s closest to, even above her father. 

But... here’s the issue with that. Ruby takes after Qrow because she chose to. Qrow trained her to fight and he is someone she idolizes due to it. She isn’t good at hand to hand, hence why Tai and Yang’s styles was probably something she chose not to take on. She is best with weaponry, and Qrow taught her to use a scythe, which IDT is exactly an easy weapon to use. And as far as looks go, yeah she doesn't look a lot like Tai... so what? I mean not counting fashion choices, the only thing Yang got from Tai was his hair color. Looks wise, she looks FAR closer to Raven. Heck, Ruby's fashion choices (red and black) can also match Raven more closely than Tai, but I don’t see any ‘Ruby is actually Raven's second daughter’ theories going around. Ruby just matches Qrow because she admires him and was taught by him and she just got mroe form her mom in terms of looks. But her personality, being a kind, caring person with some quirkiness, she definitely got form her dad because he raised her right. So saying that Ruby is Qrow’s real daughter because she looks more like him... doesn't work. 

2. Portrayal 

This is the biggest reason I can’t like this theory. So... lets say that Qrow and Summer did like each other. Okay, I’m fine with that. I have no issues with Qrow having feelings for Summer at all and due to his Semblance, it creates a tragic situation where he can't truly be with her. But for Ruby to be conceived... ti would mean that Summer cheated on Tai. And that would mean that Qrow... made love to Summer despite knowing that she was with Tai and knowing that the guy already got abandoned by his first wife. Tell me, does this make either Summer or Qrow likeable? At all?

Okay, maybe you can argue that Summer got with Tai after she got pregnant. Maybe Qrow had to leave due to his Semblance/his duty and Summer turned to Tai because of it. That's... still horrible cause she’s turning to another man when she should fully know the reasons why. heck, with her silver eyes she was probably even mroe central to the conflict. Moment of weakness, maybe. But that would also make Tai look horrible for taking advantage of a pregnant woman going through a hard time. Something that he would NOT due, especially since he would know better than any of them how being betrayed by a lover sucks. Now we don’t knwo a lot about Summer, but from what little insight we’ve gotten we know that she was a caring person who never gave up hope, ala Ruby. We’ve seen that Tai and Qrow are good guys, even if Qrow is kind of grumpy an jaded. Sure, maybe they grew up, but even so it doesn't really fit them to act that way. It just makes STRQ look like a bunch of terrible jerks who ruined their loes for stupid reasons. Yeah their team fell apart, but I don’t think soap opera cliches are the reasons why.

It just makes more sense and makes everyone still be likable if after Raven left, Summer tried to help Tai with Yang out of the goodness of her heart. It led t the two falling in love and having Ruby. Maybe Qrow would have been sad cause that killed any chance with Summer, but he accepted it and viewed Ruby as his niece as much as he did Yang. So then you’re left with people who are flawed, but still good. It just makes for less pointless cliched drama, is all I’m saying.

3. Family 

One reason I’ve seen people go with this theory si because of how many moent Ruby and Qrow have had. He treats RUby like a daughter and as I alreayd mentions, she modeled herself after him. We’ve never really seen her relationship with Tai outside the V3 finale and RUby implying that he’s overprotective. So it feels like that there’s a stronger connection between RUbya nd Qrow.

This is my issue with tat. Yes, RUbya nd Qrow are close. He does treat RUby as if she was his daughter and it’s adorable. So... why does that mean he has to be her father? Why can’t he just be her honorary uncle? That doesn't undermine the relationship at all. In fact, ti strengthens it. Neither Ruby nor Qrow are related by blood, but Qrow took on his niece because he wanted to help her get stronger and he taught her how to fight, strengthening her resole to become a Huntress. He’s known Ruby since she was born and watched her grow up, even if sometimes from a distance. He’s shown that he cares deeply for both of his nieces, he just expresses it in different ways. With Yang, he talks to her like she’s an adult. He knows that’s how she wants to be treated. Sure it can sound harsh, but it’s what she responds to and he understands that. It’s also why he told her where to find Raven. Yang is an adult and should be able to face her mother. He knows that she’ll make the right choice about her life and that she should be allowed to have that knowledge and do what she wants with it. 

But Ruby isn’t an adult. She doesn't respond to that kind of talk well. While she is growing up, she’s not as tough and it’s best to be mroe gentle and laid back when talking to her. SO Qrow treats her as she is, a young girl still growing. he doesn't talk down to her, but hes far more gentle and light-hearted with her than he is with Yang. It’s because he knows how these girls respond to things, and talks with them on the level that works best with them. Why? Because he’s their uncle and has been there since they were babies. He doesn't need to be Ruby’s father to care about her. He cares about her because he has been a par tof her life since she was young. He couldn't always be around, but he still made an effort. It shows that he’s overall a good person and does care about his nieces deeply. It doesn't matter what the relation is, it’s the type of person he is that matters. It’s why Raven is Yang’s mother only int he sense that she gave birth to her. Otherwise? She left her daughter when at least a few days old and made little effort to be with her. Due to it, Raven isn’t considered family by Yang and doesn't deserve to be at this time. Qrow is seen as the girls uncle because he still made the effort. And there is nothing wrong with that.

4. Logic

While my second reason is the reason I can't like the theory, this is the biggest reason on why I can't believe the theory Okay, lets pretend that the theory is confirmed. It turns out that Qrow is indeed Ruby's real father. He hid it form her because... because... ugh... huh, why did he hide it form her? That the biggest question I have with this. If this is true, why is Qrow hiding it? Okay, lets say it’s due to his Semblance. He’s a danger to Ruby, so he has to keep away form her... yet we know from Yang in V2 that he WAS around in their lives. We know form Ruby’ own words that Qrow trained her. Look, yes Qrow’s Semblance sucks, but it’s not an excuse to hide from Ruby that he’s her father. All that would nee dot be said is ‘my Semblance means I can't be around for long, so while I’m gon you get to lvoie with Taiyang and his daughter.” Why lie about it? Why have Tai pose as her real father to not hurt her? Even though the truth would eventually come out and hurt her anyways? Why make her question everything she knew all because he thought that not telling her the truth was better than just simply explaining why he was away so often, but assure her that he still loved her. Plus he STILL made an effort to be a part of her life, which kills the reason on why he’d keep back to begin with. 

Lets go with another theory. It’s possible that Qrow didn’t know that Ruby was his kid until she was born... but I think it wouldn’t take very long to do a DNA test (which I assume the kingdoms have) and find out. Which Tai would confront him about this since that would mean Summer cheated on him and... yeah this leads back to pointless drama. Which would mean that Qrow was ashamed or something and chose to hide it because of it. Which is arguably an even worst reason. Maybe Summer would still let him be involved in Ruby’s life, but why would she go along with it then? Why lie to her own child about her actual father? Sure, Summer died when Ruby couldn’t talk so Summer couldn’t explain it to her. But why would Tai hide it then? That make shim look no better than Qrow. Why would they both be that incredibly stupid and selfish? Heck, going off the ‘Summer cheated on him’ theory, why would he still BE with her? And if we go with the ‘Tai stole Summer’ theory, it just makes Ti nd SUmmer looks like terrible people keeping aman’s daughter away from him just to be dicks. WHich goes against their character and... UGH this is breaking my brain/

Lets stick tot he ‘Qrow is hiding it cause of Semblance’ theory cause it’s the most logical... and is still stupid. Qrow is NOT that STUPID or HEARTLESS. He would NEVER put Ruby through that kind of pain. He would never lie to her that way. It goes against his character and make shim look like an asshole on par with his sister. And do you think that Tai would go along with that? No, he wouldn’t. Especially since that would still mean that either he stole a pregnant woman from her lover or his lover went against his back. He would maybe still take Ruby in cause it’s still a kid who did nothing wrong, but he wouldn’t lie to her about that after the shit he went through. Its just OOC for both of them to hide that with little regard to how it would affect Ruby. Sure, they haven’t gone in to how Summer died so that may hit her hard, but that’s due to a larger conflict. Not because of stupid personal problems. There is just no real good reason for Qow to hide that he’s Ruby's father. If it’s true, maybe the show will come up with an explanation. But as it stands right now, ti would just be stupid, make zero sense, and would only serve in breaking Ruby for no good reason. And as much as I lie a good emotional character arc, it needs ot be for better reasons than that.

As I said, I’m not attacking those who believe the theory. You are free to keep believing in it. Hell, maybe I’m missing something and others have better evidence and explanations on why it does work and make sense. Fair enough. But to me, it’s just stupid, pointless, and makes everyone involved look like assholes. And it is why, unless CRWBY does make it canon and give a good reason why, I cannot and will not believe this theory. Thank you for reading.

[premiumcable]

Reunion

Rick Grimes x Reader

Summary: You and Rick were together at the prison, but were separated during the Governor’s attack. Eventually you walk up to gates of a community called Alexandria, desperate and hungry.

Warnings: Smut, swearing, unprotected sex, abduction attempt

Words: 2,578

A/N: Sorry for my terrible gun description, I know nothing about them.  

It felt like years since you had seen your family. When the governor attacked, you barely made it out alive. You wondered for miles and miles on your own looking for some shred of evidence that your family had made it out and where they could have gone. But there was nothing, it seemed like they all had just vanished into thin air.

You had seen signs for somewhere called ‘Terminus’, but you didn’t bother going. You had given up on pipe dreams like that a long time ago. And you didn’t think that after what had just happened with the Governor that your group would be eager to meet with a new group of strangers.

 At night you would climb a tree and tie a strap around your legs to keep safe, and you thought about old memories to curb the loneliness. Images of you and Rick would flicker through your mind; your first kiss, waking up next to him in the morning, how peaceful his face would look while he slept, and the look he would get on his face when he would watch you hold Judith. You didn’t want to accept the possibility that he and everyone you loved was dead, but your search had come up empty.

Eventually, you decided to head north; you were from D.C originally and thought maybe going back home could help heal the parts of you that were broken. You’d had enough of Georgia and now it only held bad, distant memories that were painful. A run in with a group that had tried to pick you up on the side of the road had left you with more than just the scar on your cheek from a knife they used when they tried to force you into their car. They had kept going on and on about a hospital in Atlanta where everything was better. You didn’t buy their line of bullshit and one of the male “officers” had pushed you against the car and put a knife against your face and threatened you. The knife you had hidden in your boot came in handy when you shoved it in his thigh and pulled your 9MM on the other man.

From then on, you went out of your way to avoid people. You were convinced that the last of the good ones had died in the prison that day where you should have too. A sickness somewhere in North Carolina had sidelined you for a few weeks, but as soon as you healed you set back on your journey.

When you made it to Northern Virginia, what little food you had with you became scarce and the forest was empty of game to hunt. While at the prison, Daryl had taught you how to hunt; nothing large like deer, but you could hunt rabbits and other small animals. Remembering what plants you could eat and which were poisonous was enough to get you by for now, but water was no longer a readily available resource and if you didn’t find something soon you wouldn’t finish your journey.

Walking through the woods you didn’t see much besides trees, so when you saw what looked like metal fences in the distance ahead you became somewhat intrigued. At this point you were so hungry and dehydrated you were willing to take the risk and go investigate. Slowly you walked through the break in the trees and towards a large gate. You could see a sign pinned up on the fence: “Welcome to Alexandria Safe Zone: Mercy for the Lost, Vengeance for the Plunderers,”

“Well, that sounds somewhat promising,” you thought as you moved closer, but you stopped in your tracks at the sound of a rifle being loaded. You look upwards towards the sound and see a bald, dark-skinned man staring down at you.

Raising your hands up, you spoke, “Hey man, I mean no harm. I just was hoping maybe for some food and water and then I can be on my way. I haven’t eaten in days and I don’t know how much longer I can go.”

You see him turn around and step from his post and disappear. Confused you look around to see if there is anyone around you. The sound of the gate opening interrupts your canvassing of the area. You walk forward and see the man that was previously just pointing a gun at you and he was wearing a priest collar?

“I’m Gabriel, welcome to Alexandria.” He says as he steps aside and lets you enter. You’re amazed at what you see when you walk through the gates. Houses line the streets and they are big, much more than you could have ever hoped to live in before the turn.

“I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you helping me. I really won’t be any trouble, all I need is some food and water and I will be on my way.” You said as you continued to look around.

“Well, you’ll have to meet with our leader here, but I’m sure it won’t be a problem.” Walking through the street you see many unfamiliar faces. Approaching what looks to be the largest house in the community, Gabriel opens the door and walks in. You follow and he shuts the door behind you.

“Wait right here, I’ll be right back,” he says as he disappears into the next room. You take the opportunity to look around. You see a room with bookshelves adorning the walls and a couch and sofa with a video camera set up between them. At the sound of footsteps, you turn your attention to the room where Gabriel disappeared. You see him enter the room and you cannot believe your eyes at who follows in behind him.

“Maggie!” you cry as you walk forward to her and pull her into an embrace.

“Y/N! I can’t believe you’re here.” She says as she pulls back and rests her hands on your shoulders. Tears fall from both of your eyes at the turn of events. You couldn’t believe it; you couldn’t believe she was standing here in front of you.

“Is Rick here? Did he make it out of the prison? Are Carl and Judith alright?” You rambled on desperately.

“They’re here, they’re fine. We’re all here, all of us except for Beth, Tyreese, and Bob.” She said and you felt your stomach drop at her words.

“Oh no, Maggie I’m so sorry.” You said as you pulled her close, you couldn’t imagine how she felt having lost the last member of her family besides Glenn. She returned your embrace before pulling away.

“Come on let’s go see everyone,” she said as she motioned for you to follow her. She led you outside the house and down one of the streets. She stopped at one of the last houses on the street and led you up the steps to the door. Opening it slowly she stepped through the doorway and shut it behind you.

“Wait here.” She said as she stepped further into the house.

“Carl?” You heard her call and heard the approach of footsteps towards her.

 “Where is everyone?” she asks.

“Daryl is out recruiting with Aaron, Carol is out helping Olivia in the pantry, Michonne is doing a patrol, Sasha is in the guard tower, Abraham and Eugene are out with the construction crew, and Glenn and the others went on a run.”

“Is your dad here?” You heard her ask and you could feel your heart speed up.

“Yeah, he’s upstairs putting Judith down for a nap. I was just about to go hang out with Enid and Ron for a while.” It was becoming difficult to stand here when all you wanted to do was go hug the teen; you had missed them all so much.

“You might want to put that off for a bit,” You heard her say and took that as your queue. Stepping into the kitchen, you saw the emotions run over Carl’s face as he took in your arrival. First shock, then joy overcame his features as he rushed forward towards you.

 “Y/N, we looked all over for you. We were all so devastated when we thought we lost you.” You wrapped your arms around him and let the tears flow. You almost felt like pinching yourself because you had dreamed of this moment so many times.

You heard feet rushing down the stairs and you pulled away from Carl.

“What’s going on down here, I could hear you all from-“ Rick’s words are cut off as he walks into the room and sees you. Wasting no time, you rush forward and throw your arms around his neck, burying your face in his shirt and soaking it in the process. His arms wrap tightly around you.

“Oh baby, I thought I lost you,” You pulled back at his words and pulled his lips to yours, kissing him quickly before turning back to Maggie and Carl, both of them wearing happy looks on their faces at your tender reunion.

You all ended up in the living room while you told the three of them about what you had been through on your way there. Maggie and Carl left a bit later when they heard everyone had come back from the run, leaving just you and Rick in the house while Judith was napping. You settled into his side and pulled his arm over your shoulder.

“I can’t believe I found you. It makes everything I went through on the way here worth it, feels like fate brought us back together.” You said as you looked up at him. His eyes met yours and he leaned down, taking your lips with his. The kiss quickly became heated as you ran your tongue across Rick’s bottom lip. He complied with a groan and you quickly climbed over him, settling into his lap. His hands ran across your back before falling to your ass and pulling you closer to him. You groan into the kiss as you feel his stiff member through your jeans.

As you feel him slowly grind himself upward, you pull away from the kiss with a moan. You never thought you would feel this way again, but you’re drawn away from your reverie when Rick places his hand on your cheek and pulls your attention back to him.

“I’m right here baby, I’m not going anywhere.”

“I love you so much,” you say as you crash your lips back to his and grind down against his now prominent erection. You feel the vibration from his groan and it spurs you to grind down harder.

“Take me upstairs,” You whisper into his ear and he stands up with your legs still around his waist, taking the stairs as fast as he can without dropping you.

Rick lays you down on the bed immediately after he kicks the door closed and you pull your shirt over your head. He does the same before leaning down over you and kissing you desperately. His hands run up your torso to your fabric covered breasts, he pulls down one of the cups and pulls his lips away from yours to kiss his way down your chest to your stiff peaks.

“Rick!” You cry at the delicious sensations his mouth is causing. But you soon grow impatient, pulling at his curls to grab his attention before attacking his belt with shaky hands to unfasten it. Rick’s hands cover yours as he takes over and you immediately unbutton your jeans and pull them down before kicking them off your feet along with your panties, abandoning them at the foot of the bed.

Standing up, Rick kicks off his boots and pulls the jeans from his legs before crawling back over you. The sight of his leaking erection makes your mouth water and you immediately think back to the times at the prison when you would suck him off and he would wrap your hair around his fingers and guide you up and down his cock. But that would have to wait for another day; you were both too desperate to reconnect in both the emotional and physical senses of the word.

Your legs fall open as he settles between them, his aching member resting against your thigh as he kisses you. Desperate to be filled, you reach down and take his throbbing erection in your hands and guide him towards your dripping center. Rick moans as his tip touches your wet, delicate flesh.

“Fuck me, Rick. I missed this so much.” You plead as you look up into his eyes, the normal crystal blue having been taking over by lust. You throw your head back as he thrusts himself completely inside you. Both of you pause for a moment; relishing in the feeling of being united in this way again. But soon, desperation takes over and he begins to move with slow, but deep thrusts.

“Oh…god…Rick,” you say as he increases the pace of his thrusting. Your hands migrate down towards his ass, pulling him into you harder and you let out a harsh moan at the feeling. He responds in kind and sets a brutal, desperate rhythm. 

“Fuck, Y/N. Your pussy is so tight,” He says as his grip tightens on your hips. You feel like a spring, slowly being wound tighter with each harsh movement as he drives you closer to your release.

“Rick, I’m so close.” His hand reaches down and rubs circles around your clit and you fist your fingers in the comforter at the feeling. 

“Come on baby, cum for me.” The combination of his words and a particularly deep thrust causes the dam to break and you feel yourself release crash over you in waves. The sensation of your walls gripping around his cock pushes him over the edge as well as you feel his release fill you, the pleasure of it eliciting a small moan from your throat. His hips buck, trying to get as deep as he can while he whispers obscenities into your neck.

After you’ve both come down from your highs, Rick pulls his softening erection from you and you whimper at the loss. You turn onto your stomach and rest your head on his chest, looking up at his relaxed face.

You could stay in this moment forever, memorizing the lines of his face and the planes of his body as he recovers from your heated moment. But, the sound of the door slamming downstairs pulls you from your reverie; you can hear the voices of your excited family and the eagerness to be with them renews.

Sitting up in bed, you pick your clothes up off the floor and begin pulling them on while he lies on the bed, watching you get dressed. Gathering his clothes from the floor, you set them at his feet.

“Let’s go downstairs, I think Maggie has kept them at bay long enough. Don’t you think?” You say with a teasing grin on your lips.

After you’ve both composed yourself, you open the door and begin towards the stairs to see the rest of your group. A hand on your wrist stops you at the top of the stairs and you feel Rick’s lips at your ear.

“Don’t think we won’t be continuing this later, I’m not nearly done with you yet Y/N.” A shiver runs through you at his words.

Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed! Send any requests you have. 

[kyandice]

I HATE SCHOOL

Im just prolly writing all my thoughts I’m having everyday.

Smol print: This is a post which i might edit everyday if i have the time, and its technically a very cheesy dairy.

(10/01/2017)

Maybe i just cant study at all. My PEM is now teaching me a module this semester and he’s asking me to pay more attention during classes. Thing is, i dont even talk in class. I’ve been trying so hard to concentrate in class but i just dont understand any fucking thing. Seems like i failed CEP and Mr Herman wants to meet me after PEM class.

Lol, and i wanted to skip PEM class so Bryan doesnt have to wait that long for me. And lmao idk where i placed my contact lens (it wasnt even in my bag). Without my contact lens im not gg to Tkd training. I hope my lenses are somewhere at home PLEASE. It would take me another 2 weeks for me to get my contacts after ordering it.

Okay whatever, back to me not being able to concentrate in class. So yeah, i just dont understand anything and i end up staring into blank space or maybe start daydreaming. I think i failed Inorganic Chem and Math too. Idk im just worried for myself and my GPA. ok no, im mot worried about myself. Im more worried about me failing 2 or more modules and my PEM has to meet my parents, it’s gna be a disaster. Im so gna be fucked up. I just have no motivation for everything else.

Its really hard juggling a relationship, studies and CCAs too. Okay, for my situation, it isn’t really that bad. But maybe after a long run, im really worried that it might turn out bad someday. Im like typing this as I’m nearly breaking down in lecture and im holding myself so hard back to stop tearing up. Maybe im just too fucking paranoid, i think too much i just overthink too much and i hate it, it screws me up. People ask me what i would actually do if he starts getting cold again. Maybe I’ll miss him too much and start getting detached from everything and stop having the motivation to study or do anything in particular altogether. But for now, he’s always waiting for me for like hours just to spend the time with me after classes and i feel really, really fucking bad.

Anyways, U talked to me about his break up that happened a few months ago with J. And apparently, he lost feelings. But he also mentioned that J was really insecure as well, he had alot exes and yeah J was just alittle paranoid and insecure that U might just be playing. (idk why im like writing this maybe i just had to divert my mind somewhere else so i wouldnt cry in lecture) but yeah, U assured J that he was genuine and sincere but J was really guarded and apparently U was starting to get tired of assuring her. So she got paranoid and yea. Then U told me not to get too clingy and obsessive as he might get annoyed by it someday. He might think that it’s cute and sweet now, but someday he might get annoyed and U said that i wouldnt want someone to call me disgustingly clingy and obsessive after breaking up.

So yayyyy, im like really really really really happy these few weeks. He has been really extremellllyyyy sweet to me, he’s treating me really well too. He has been starting to say that he loves me like really constantly and its just reaaaaly reaaaaly sweet. And we had deep talks yay. Ive always suspected that he might some family issues as he always tried to avoid questions about them. But i never wanted to ask him like, i mean, if he wanted and was ready to tell me, he would have. So yay he finally told me idk i just wna hug him forever he’s so precious and vulnerable actually.

(okay fuck there was a 10min break i ran from chemical life science block to training ground and he wasnt there😭😭😭😭😭 so i ran back to science block i was like 1min late but class havent started so thank god. His phone has no battery and he has nothing to do for 2h maybe more cuz i have to meet PEM fuck i feel so bad i want to cry right now. He doesnt have his phone charger so he has nothing to do for 2h and there isnt anyone on training ground so he’ll be alone :(( no i feel fucking bad i want to cry so badly right now, i should’ve asked him to just go home. Now idk where he is im worried that he’s gna be very bored waiting for me fuck)

Gosh i think he went home already. But like if he went home shouldnt his phone have battery. Where is heeee :(( im so worried right now. Where could he actually beeeee :(((( okay imma hunt for him in school. He isnt at south and north canteen. Okay maybe library. He’s not at the library either. Okay maybe he went home and slept but didnt charge his phoneeee :/ shouldnt have asked him to wait for me. Should have just asked him to go home.

So yayyyyy he didnt went home, and actually waited for me. Okay thank god he wasnt alone, he was with raph and a few othr tkd ppl. I was so gna be worried that he might be alone with his phone battery flat, doing nothing. But i guess he was alrighttt.

I want a lip product. Idk lip tint, lipstick, liquid lipstick. idk i just want one. Like i want one red not those bright red, but like orangey lighter kind of shade red.

Fuck, my stye isnt curing. There’s like 2 styes in my left eye.Its sucks, it looks really ugly and digusting. I really hope it gets cured soon.

Apparently, Mr Lee asked Vincent about my bad grades. Lee asked vin like if he knows why my grades are like so bad. And Vin was like, oh, maybe becuz of r/s. But actually it isnt, i have been having bad grades since last sem. Idk i just have no motivation to do anything, i dont understand lectures and tutorials. All i want to do is to breakdown and cry in school everyday.

Okay, so about my contact lenses, it isnt at home. I just couldnt find it. Ive went through all my bags in my room for at least the 5th time already and still i cant find my contact lens. Guess ive lost it. I could have like worn it for another 2 months, god damn it. Now i have to order a new one, and wait for around 2-3weeks for my lens to arrive. 

Y’all might actually ask why i feel insecure without my contact lens. Okay yay let’s start. I might have or might have not mentioned about the guys in my secondary school but yeahhhhh. They are a bunch of idiots which i would probably hold a grudge on them forever. Yes i hold on to grudges pretty long. Apparently the guys in my class hated me so they’ve always teased me and idk i just hated them so much. Okay I dont wanna say that im bullied, it just sounds so weird and idk, i dont people to think that im making a fuss by calling them bullies. But yeah they laugh whenever i answer a teacher’s question, teased me for being ugly, insulted me for alot of things, laughed at me for alot of things too. But ever since i switched to contacts, people started treating me better. Okay, its stupid to think that with contacts, people will treat me better. Maybe, coincidentally the guys in my class have matured when i switched to contacts. So, ever since, i had this thought drilled into my mind that contacts made me look better, and people treat better looking people much better. I mean at first, i thought i was just being silly. Then i started to try things out. I was out with some gatherings from the cosplay community and yeah, they were all strangers. When i’m with my glasses, no one came to talk to me and i wasnt treated as well as when i was wearing my contact lens. When i wore my contact lens, more people were interested to talk to me, i had more attention from people and yeah, i was just treated so much better than i was wearing my glasses. It wasnt the first time something like this happened. I’ve tried many times to different group of strangers and it always seems that wearing contact lenses made people treat me better. It’s kinda silly and childish for me to think like this but ever since ive gotten contacts, i had it drilled in my mind that that it’s how people work. People treat you better when you are better looking. I also felt less insecure and much more confident about myself everytime i wore my contacts. And idk i’ve been depending on contacts ever since to boost up my super low self-esteem.

So If i dont wear contacts in front of you, that would probably mean either. 1) Im very comfortable with you, i trust you alot and i see no problem wearing just glasses and looking unglam in front of you. Or 2) you mean nothing to me, i dont care about you. Examples for 1) would be Roy, Vin ,Zane, Aloy, Alfie, Daina, Alicia. I mean i really trust Roy and the rest alot, they’re really good friends and they have seen me with glasses outside training before. Examples of 2) would be my classmates or just random people in the lecture hall. But for B, im like really comfortable and i trust him alot, but i also wna look good in front of him so i try to have my contacts on everytime i meet him.

So like many people keep asking why i quitted cosplay so here are the reasons. But lmao nobody knows my tumblr, im writing everything here just to rant stuff, nobody would even read it anyways. Actually i quit cosplay for a few reasons. I hate it when people used to remind me that i cosplay. Well, sure, i might have kept some pictures left of some certain cosplays. But that is because the picture taken was really nice and i really wna safekeep it. One reason was money lol. I dont have money to actually buy all the costumes and props and those bullshits are fucking expensive, its just seriously a waste of my precious money. Another reason was, it wasnt really socially acceptable, people find me weird, a creep,idk. I used to be really proud and optimistic about cosplaying since it’s actually a very special hobby, but i guess some things are really hard if people always tease you about cosplaying as it is not very socially acceptable. And since cosplaying also require alot makeup, i can cut down cost on my make up, so yayy i still can save more money.

Today with Bryan was just amazing.Okay everyday with him is just fking amazing. Apparently there wasnt any movie to watch because i might go over my curfew but yayyy we actually just sat down at the swing and just talked. Sounds typical, but he loves me when i cant love myself. He’s the best thing that could ever happen to me and maybe waiting for him was actually all really worth it. I’m really an insecure person and he always has to assure me that im beautiful, gorgeous and adorable to him. He’s really the most sweetest and romantic things ever and it’s just really extremely cute. Even i get annoyed everytime i feel insecure about myself. I Love Him sooooo much i would never want to lose him. Omg this is getting fucking cheesy HAHA.

Let’s talk about money. I’m in debt. I owe so many people money i feel really bad. I dont really wish to have squabbles with friends over money, like seriously, it’s fucking stupid. I want to stop borrowing from people, i dont want to make this into a really bad habit. 

i wanna cry so bad :(