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girlmeetsliv3 · 4 years ago

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Sandman II

Hyung Line X Reader

Genre: Mystery, Psychological Thriller, Horror

Rated: M

Word Count: 4.2K

Release Date: February 26, 2021 @ 5 p.m. (GMT-5)

“Three years ago, the town was rocked by the disappearance of YN YLN. A bright young girl who had dreams of attending university and becoming a nurse. YN was a kind, shy, studious girl who kept to herself and never caused any troubles associated with teens her age. So imagine her loved ones surprised when she disappears one night from bed - never to be seen again. The strangest part was that all her belongings had been taken, all the photos with her disappeared, and all her social medias deleted. But perhaps most peculiar was the wet sand found at the foot of her bed.”

Warning: Brief mention of death and suicide.

The first words out of Kim Seokjin's mouth when they reached the car, after having been escorted through the back entrance to avoid the press, were "I'm sorry." YN hadn't even known how to react before Seokjin launched into a full-blown ramble, "I'm so sorry about that YN. I just - I have been so worried. We've all been, and we thought you - but now you're here. They didn't even tell us even though we're listed and to just think about how alone you've been. How confused you must feel -"

YN placed her hands on top of his which rested on the shift gear, “It’s okay Jin. I understand.” She smiled at him tenderly before her sister’s words flashed through her mind, ‘Isn’t Seokjin the best?! He’s the only man you can truly rely on.’ Instantly YN took her hands off him, folding them on her lap. Now was not the time to dwell on those things. If Seokjin noticed the sudden shift in the air he didn’t comment on it, simply stating: “You’ve always been so understanding.” Before focusing on the road and turning the engine on, driving away. As they exited the parking lot, YN saw all the vans from the news outlets parked outside. Some she recognized, others she didn’t, but what she did notice was a large sign being held up by one of the reporters. It read: Sandman victim finally returns.

It was as much a shock to me as it was to everyone when Seokjin and I started dating. He wasn’t my type. I can’t say for sure what it was that drew us together - maybe loneliness - or maybe I just liked the way people stared in shock at the fact that someone like him was with someone like me. That didn’t matter though, Seokjin and the others were always there. They were whatever I needed them to be. They would do anything to make me happy, but I wasn’t the only one they treated as special.

When the car approached the front gate of Nagwon villas YN frowned, “Weren’t we going to the hospital?” The thought of being poked and prodded like a rag doll wasn’t a pleasing one, but she knew disappearing for three years and not remembering anything didn’t bode well. The only thing that could give a hint at what she’d endured, and why she’d forgotten, was her body. Seokjin shrugged, “I know you aren’t a big fan of doctors, so I asked Namjoon for a favor.” Namjoon? She wasn't sure she was ready to see Namjoon or any of them for that matter. She hadn't even thought about seeing Jin until he showed up. ‘He’s like something out of a fairy tale, isn’t he? A knight in shining armor.’ YN shook her head, don't think about her or you'll start crying like a child again. Everyone in her family had always called her a crybaby, teased her for not being able to hold her emotions in. Right now, though, she felt less like a newborn and more like an overflowed dam. About to break at any second.

“Are the others going to be there?” Is he going to be there?

“No, Hoseok is out of town. He should be coming back tomorrow though; I wasn’t sure if you wanted him to know you were back but it's all over the news.”

That wasn't who she was talking about and they both knew it. Still, if Seokjin was being ignorant then it was for a reason; so she went along with it. "Shouldn't it be Namjoon's dad?"

Seokjin glanced at her from the corner of his eye, “Namjoons a doctor now, babe. It’ll be him you’re seeing.” Perhaps still sensing her hesitance he continued, “Don’t worry his family has a private practice in their house for situations like this.”

“You’re all still friends?” She asked, looking outside the window at the passing houses. They passed several houses she recognized, having been inside a couple of them. Nagwon kids always threw the best parties; likely due to their houses being huge and the large amounts they could spend on booze. Her sister would always drag YN to one when she was stuck babysitting, at first she’d just sit around on her phone. Things became easier when they started hanging out with the guys though: there was always Hoseok to crack jokes, Namjoon to talk random things about, and Seokjin to offer whatever it was she needed. Yoongi was always there too, but they wouldn’t talk much just sit in silence.

“Of course, why wouldn’t we be? The best of friends.” There was no sarcasm or humor in his voice, he meant it. Maybe he truly didn’t care? Or three years was a long time to hold onto a grudge especially when the two at-fault for their problems disappeared from their lives. That’s probably why. With YN and her sister out of the way, things had gone back to normal for the men. Nonetheless, it felt like nothing between Seokjin and YN had changed, but that couldn't be true. It's been three years. That statement was difficult for her to wrap her head around, but it didn’t make it any less true. It had been three years and yet Seokjin acted like they hadn’t spent a single day apart. Her mind filled with questions and doubts, so much so she couldn’t help but ask.

“Did we hang out the night I disappeared?”

Seokjin took his hands off the wheel, she hadn’t even noticed the car had stopped, the look he gave her was a mixture of incredulity and hurt. “No, we didn’t. You told me you didn’t want to see me again.” His voice was tense, ears getting red the way they did whenever he was upset. “Don’t you remember?”

I did tell him that. She hadn't meant it of course, but YN tended to lash out when she felt cornered. Thinking back now, she remembered her cruel words how she had blamed Seokjin for something that was both their fault. The pain on his face and the desperation in his tone as he begged for her to forgive him, only for YN to kick him out and shut the door.

"I forgot. I'm sorry, Jin." She pressed her fingers into her palm, hoping the pain would take things off her mind.

“Hey.” Jin’s fingers gently gripped the bottom of her chin, “It’s okay. I forgive you, let’s just not talk about it again okay?” He pressed a quick kiss to the side of her head.

YN breathed deeply before unlocking the door and getting out. The Kim's large beige mansion stared down at her - it was the first time she’d been there, and the nerves were eating her up. Namjoon will probably have a lot of questions too. She had barely managed to get through one of Officer Taehyung’s questions before having a panic attack, YN had no idea how she would brave against Namjoon. With nerves clouding her senses she failed to notice the black motorcycle parked on the curve, slightly obscured by the shrubs. Had she YN would have avoided walking into a trap.

"Heard you got your ass whooped by Min." Jungkook laughed, as he sat on the edge of Taehyung's desk. "Did he take you over his knee and make you count to ten?" At that, a couple of others nearby chuckled. Taehyung rolled his eyes, "If he hears you, he'll take you over his knee." Jungkook shoved him softly, though 'softly' in this case meant Taehyung almost fell off his chair. Deciding to ignore him this time, he focused once again on the small font on his computer. Several minutes passed before Jungkook spoke again, "Is this about YN? If you're looking through the case files you won't find anything useful. Trust me, everyone in this room has gone through it multiple times."

There was a reason there was press lined up outside, nothing sold quite like a morbid story. ‘Girl disappears from her bed in the middle of the night with no trace behind’ had a nice hook to it. Taehyung had already been in the academy when it happened, but he was still shocked - especially once he found out it had happened in his hometown. Nothing ever happened in this town, they called it paradise for a reason. Yet someone had broken into the YLN family home and stolen a girl straight from her bed, nothing left behind but a bit of wet sand.

“It doesn’t hurt to look again, plus now we might get somewhere that she’s back. Find out who did it.” Taehyung scrolled down and started looking at all the pictures, he’d have to swing by the evidence locker later to see what they still had left physically.

“I’m just surprised the sister didn’t do it, given everything -”

Taehyung spun around quickly in his chair, “Don’t say that. Minsuh loved that kid, she’d never do anything to hurt her.”

“Yeah well that’s not what I heard,” Jungkook said matter-of-factly. “I know it isn’t good to speak ill of the dead, but Minsuh wasn’t as dignified as her name suggested.”

Taehyung turned away from the young cop, “Look you’re wasting my time and I have to focus on this case. YN’s going to come back tomorrow and we need to build a timeline, can’t do that without all the facts so just go away.”

Jungkook sighed, “Sorry man. I know the two of you were close,” Jungkook had seen how uncomfortable Taehyung had gotten when YN brought up him dating her sister. “But you know I’m not the only one that thinks so. Regardless, everyone knows it's not true now so there’s that.”

It doesn’t matter, Taehyung wanted to say, she died with everyone in this town thinking she was a murderer. Nothing will ever change that. Instead, he remained quiet, eyes focused on the computer screen. Gaze focused intensely on the pictures of YN’s bedroom as if they would wield together a logical story that would explain where she’d been this whole time.

Everyone in school had a crush on Namjoon. Smart Namjoon. Sweet Namjoon. Dimpled cheeks Namjoon. Girls and guys would swoon over him, talking about how they would love to feel his chest or sit on his thighs. They were all fools. Ah, yes, Kim Namjoon may look harmless but it's always the quiet ones you have to look out for.

It truly was a private practice, equipped with all sorts of equipment one might find in a typical emergency room. YN wondered why they would ever need something like that. Maybe high clientele? Though the closest things to celebrities that lived in this town were both Seokjin and Namjoon's families, then Jung's, and the Min's. Namjoon wasn't there when they first arrived but appeared quickly enough, the gentle smile on his face reminded YN of simpler times. "How are you?" It dawned on her then that was the first time she'd been asked the question. She'd been plagued by 'where were you?' 'how are you alive?' and 'I'm sorrys' since she'd woken up. No one ever thought to ask how she was.

“I’ve been better.” YN answered softly, afraid that if she spoke anymore, she would break down again. The men in the room seemed to read between the lines without her elaborating further. Seokjin squeezed her hand, “Well, I’ll give you two some privacy. I’ll be right outside if anything happens, okay?” Before YN could respond Jin once again kissed her forehead before walking away. Leaving her alone in the stark white room with Namjoon, who leaned against a medical bed. His left hand patting the space beside him, “Let’s talk YN.” She grimaced slightly. “You’re in a safe space YN. You know me I would never do anything to hurt you and Seokjin is right outside if you need him. We’re your family.”

Family. They had been a sort of family, the five of them: always hanging out, sharing stories, meals, and memories. It didn't matter that she was much younger or that the only reason she was tolerated was that Minsuh was dating Seokjin. They had always been kind, always been loving, always been there. Even when her actual family wasn't. They’re all I’ve got… at least until dad comes. Once she sat down the doctor offered a genuine smile, it reminded her of all the times the two would stay up late studying at the library. A warmth that eased away from the chill she'd had all day lead to the first genuine smile on her face, “Thanks Namjoon.”

“I told you to call me Joon remember?” His broad shoulder playfully brushed YN’s, before he began conducting his examinations.

“You know being clandestine isn’t your strong suit.” Kim Seokjin leaned against the black LeoVince Racer waiting for his friend to exit from the back of Namjoon's private practice. Min Yoongi looked like he hadn't slept for days and had the corners of his lips turned upward in a way that was half-way between a snarl and a smirk. "I'd beg to differ." Yoongi responded, approaching the man as he adjusted white medical papers into his jacket's hidden pockets.

Seokjin eyed them carefully, “If you’re caught with those you could face serious trouble.”

Yoongi laughed, “Who’s going to catch me? The sheriff?”

Seokjin rolled his eyes, empty threats and warnings weren’t going to change anything. “What do the papers say?” He tried to grab them, but Yoongi blocked his hand easily. Maneuvering Seokjin off his bike so he could get on it.

"Ask the doc or her. She doesn't keep secrets from you." Yoongi's eyes were cold and his voice lacked the playfulness present before. Seokjin knew better than to press his buttons any further, "Go before she sees you." Not that it mattered much, YN would be face to face with all of them soon - a reunion was inevitable. Nonetheless, Yoongi was a sore spot for her; the more Seokjin could delay their meeting the more things could go according to plan.

“So you’re officially a doctor?” YN asked as Namjoon finished up drawing the last of her blood. They'd done all types of x-rays, physical, and psychological examinations to check her well-being. No words had been shared between the two, but the silence was beginning to bother her.

“Well, yes and no. Still must finish my residency, but I have most of the hours done.” Namjoon replied nonchalantly.

Whenever the subject had come up before Namjoon had dreaded having to take over the family business, feeling it was a role he was being pushed into. Guess things have changed. “I thought you didn’t want to be a doctor.”

He shrugged in response, “I guess I finally understood why my dad loved it so much. Medicine, biology, psychology, chemistry are all things that are useful.”

“You became a doctor became because it was useful? That doesn’t make much sense.” YN chuckled as Namjoon placed a bandage on the inside of her arm. He chose not to reply immediately, instead, holding up a lollipop that was inside his pocket. She took it with little thought. “Little makes sense in life. Human beings are just inherent paradoxes.” Minsuh always said that. It was one of the things the two sisters never agreed on. Minsuh always argued that people could still technically be considered ‘good’ no matter what they did. YN disagreed. Can’t do bad things and still be a good person. Namjoon clapped his hands together, signaling they were done and proceeded to help YN off the bed.

“Thanks, Joon.” She shot him a smile which she hoped looked more sincere than it felt. Though tensions didn’t run as high with Namjoon as they did with the others, it didn’t mean it was smooth sailing. Namjoon, like always, understood exactly what she meant and didn’t push. “Of course, YN. Anything for you.” With the promise her results would be ready in a couple of days, he sent her back on her way.

When she exited Seokjin was waiting outside with a furrow on his brow. Now what? YN didn’t know where else to go from here, what else to do, it felt like she’d hit a roadblock. I could go back home. Was that place even home anymore? Without her family, furniture, memories – could she return, or would it be too painful? Was she even allowed to return? It had looked abandoned when she’d been inside, so certainly YN wasn’t trespassing.

“It’s okay YN. You can stay at mine until we figure something out. I wouldn’t want you out of my sight anyway, it’s dangerous.”

It didn’t sit right with her to rely on Seokjin so much – or be under the same roof as him – but she would be lying if she said it didn’t ease her anxiety. “You’ve already done so much. I couldn’t ask that of you.” Her hands were shaking as she said the words, but even if she wanted to say yes immediately. YN couldn’t be selfish.

“No, I haven’t. Trust me.”

Before YN could ask what he meant Seokjin took hold of her wrist gently pulling her to the car.

Jung Hoseok. Lovely Hoseok. Funny Hoseok. Sweet Hoseok. The boy whose smile lights up the sky and everyone just gravitates towards him. No one could ever dislike him. Mr. Popular always putting others before himself. Dear sweet Hobi is an angel sent from heaven, but he isn’t as innocent as he seems. People tend to forget Lucifer was god’s favorite before he fell from the sky.

“Honestly was it really necessary to put on this whole show?” Hoseok wiggled his wrists causing the handcuffs to jingle against the table. Taehyung’s face remained stoic as he proceeded to read from the file. “A bit strange isn’t that YLN YN returns when you just so happen to out of town, Mr. Jung.” His eyebrow arched highly, Hoseok would’ve laughed if not for the situation he was in. “No it isn’t. I take a family trip around this time every single year detective. I told this to the sheriff three years ago and I’ll repeat this now.” He leaned forward the mirth gone from his mouth, “I had nothing to do with what happened to YN. I wouldn’t hurt her or anyone else for that matter.” Hoseok sighed, leaning back on the uncomfortable chair. “Look officer, I know its procedure and the prime suspect is always the boyfriend, but it wasn’t me.”

Even if Taehyung doubted that with every fiber of his being, he had nothing else to go off on. Jung Hoseok’s alibis were airtight, had always been, not to mention it would be extremely out of character for him to harm a bug – much less orchestrate something to this degree. It had been reckless to ask for him to be picked up from the city, but today had been a long day and there were just too many coincidences for the investigator to ignore. “Very well Mr. Jung. You’re free to go but I suggest you don’t leave town on another family vacation any time soon.” He reached towards his belt, taking out the keys and uncuffing Hoseok. Taehyung was on a tight schedule anyway; it would only be a matter of time before the sheriff returned from his lunch break. Seeing his son’s best friend in handcuffs would only cause Taehyung to be even more reprimanded.

With the cuffs off him, Hoseok stood up, stretching his lithe limbs. "You used to call me Hyung remember? Back when you were desperate for Minsuh and you to be a thing." Taehyung recalled having felt the need to please her friends to get her to look twice at him. Where’s this coming from? Hoseok looked down at him with cold eyes, "You know we never blamed you for how you reacted to things ending Tae. Heartbreak can make a man go crazy after all." The tension in the room was palpable when suddenly a smile broke out on Hoseok's face. "Sorry, it was silly of me to bring that up. We were all kids after all." With that he walked away from the desk and opened the door, turning around just enough to wink at Taehyung before the door closed completely.

Hoseok felt his phone vibrate inside his pants and rolled his eyes, without even looking he knew who it was. Taking the phone out, he swiped right and immediately spoke. “Yah, you won’t believe what just fucking happened. Where are you anyway?”

“Sorry it isn’t much.” Seokjin apologized as he handed YN the pile of clothes. “Tomorrow we’ll go shopping for essentials.” YN shook her head, “Thanks, I don’t need much. My dad shouldn’t take too long in coming to get me anyway.” She placed the clothes on the banister in the bathroom, content to finally be able to shower and become clean. It had been a long day, some soap and water might not wash the pain away, but she could pretend it would. There was another thing weighing on her mind, a thought that would simply not go away. For as kind as Seokjin had always been with her, even he had his limits. This behavior felt a bit out of character with the person she knew – the one she remembered.

“Why are you doing all this Jin?”

The man in question froze as if stunned, "What do you mean?" His dark brows furrowed, his lips turning down into a grimace.

“Going to see me, Namjoon, letting me stay over. All of this,” she gestured to the bathroom which had been prepared with candles, bath bombs, and calming music. It’s out of character for you. Kim Seokjin had never really been the romantic type, caring yes, but not sentimental. “Is it out of guilt?” Is it out of pity? YN may not remember what happened the night she disappeared, but that summer would forever remain ingrained in her head. "Do you blame yourself for what happened?" Or are you doing this because you feel responsible? Which one was it? Maybe all of them combined?

Seokjin ran a hand through his hair, “Yes.” Without elaborating anymore, he walked out of the bathroom shutting the door behind him.

When YN walked out of the bathroom she felt much better. All of the day’s events had worn her thin and she was ready to head straight to bed, but not without seeking Seokjin out and confronting him. Yes? Yes, to what exactly? Everything? She hadn’t been able to find the house slippers she’d borrowed, so she traveled through the house and down the stairs barefoot. Barely making any sound. She could hear loud audio coming from the living room and voices on the other side where the library was. Though she could recognize Seokjin as one of the voices, her feet dragged her to the living room, nonetheless. Deeming it better to wait until he was done than interrupting what sounded like an important conversation.

The couch had been changed into a leather sectional angled towards the screen as had more of the décor. It looked less like a family home and more like a bachelor pad now if YN was honest. Seokjin the bachelor. He had always had someone attached to his side whether it be a dancer, cheerleader, private school girl, and eventually her sister. What about you? YN shook her head, wanting the thought to disappear as quickly as it had appeared. The television distracted her once she picked up on what was being said. It was a newsreel showing a bleached blonde with shiny hair and pouty lips holding a microphone. Behind him was YN’s home, or what used to be, in the dead of the night it looked eerie. After basic introductions the news anchor began speaking:

“Three years ago, the town was rocked by the disappearance of YN YLN. A bright young girl who had dreams of attending university and becoming a nurse. YN was a kind, shy, studious girl who kept to herself and never caused any troubles associated with teens her age. Imagine her loved ones surprised when she disappears one night from bed - never to be seen again. The strangest part was that all her belongings had been taken, all the photos with her present disappeared, and all her social medias were deleted. Perhaps most peculiar was the only substantial evidence found by investigators was wet sand found at the foot of her bed.”

“Try as they investigators could find nothing that could tell them what had happened to YN. Then a year later tragedy struck once more when on the anniversary of YN’s disappearance, YLN Minsuh – her older sister - took her and her mother’s life in a murder suicide. YN’s father who was present that night managed to survive. Many people took this to be an admission of guilt on the sister’s part, for the two had never had the best relationship. Though with no note, the case had no choice to remain open. Thankfully for a miracle would occur. Almost three years to the day, YN has returned to the exact spot of her disappearance. Residents and audiences nationally are overjoyed, and hope justice can now be served. Stay tuned as this tragic twisted tale continues to unfold. We’ll now switch back over to Bo for sports.”

A piercing wail left YN’s mouth as she collapsed to the floor. Immediately, she was scooped off the ground into a warm embrace. “Jin?” She cried, but when she met the eyes of her savior the round hazel she was expecting was instead met with sharp feline ones. "Yoongi?!"

Tag List:

@saxpam24

@cherriejams @electr1c-angel @uppiespuppy @illnevertrustmyselfagain

@dionysus-png @sugashaye @purpuravm

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hazbinbossbrainrot · 2 years ago

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🔥 Blitzo Buckzo 🔥 (Pronounced “Blitz”)

(As a child >>> Blitzo)

Theme song: Another Bites The Dust - Queen

Goals:

• Seek affection and intimacy (TBA)

* In a relationship with Stolas (TBA)

• Gain fame and recognition across Hell from his assassination business (ongoing)

• Gain self-respect and the respect of his peers

Fave quote:

“Sorry, I fucked your husband.”

— Blitz upon his first encounter with Stella (🤣)

S2:

“Do I know her. She’s my SISTER fucknut!”

— Blitz to Moxxie after he asked if he knew Barbie

Basics:

Ring(s):

• Greed (via Cash Buckzo)

• Lust (via Tilla >>> theorised)

• Pride Ring >>> moved (?) to build I.M.P from the ground up

Species: Demon (imp)

• Succubi (Tilla >>> theorised)

• Imp (Cash)

Type: Butch 💪🏻 (95%)

* Can very rarely be seen being feminine 💅 (10%)

Height: 5ft tall

* Blitz is actually taller than average imps which are around 2-3ft tall >>> most likely is a part incubi on his mother, Tilla’s, side

* However Crimson, Moxxie’s dad, (2x03) is almost the same height as Blitz, but just that tad bit shorter which has to put him around 4ft

Zodiac sign: Aries ♈️ (theorised)

Age(s):

• 8 or 9 years old >>> 2x01 “The Circus” (flashback)

*If Stolas was 11 or 12 years older and it had been 25 years later, that would have to make Blitz 33 or 34 years old

• 28 or 29 years old >>> -5 years ago >>> 2x02 Seeing Stars (flashback)

• In his 30s ( a generous give or take 🤣)

RP (Tixel):

30 years old >>> (Chapter 2: The Outcast)

35 years old >>> (Chapter 3: Dead to Me)

45 years old >>> (Chapter 9: The Crosshairs)

Status: Single (CC)

* Stuck in a situationship with Stolas (currently)

* Rumoured that Stolitz will in a (committed) relationship with at the end of season 2

Sex: Male

Sexuality: Pansexual

Relationship Type: Polyamorous (open)

Sex type: Dominant (which makes sense given Blitz’s personality both in and outside of the bedroom 😆)

* But is secretly a switch and wants to be dominated by Stolas

* Had been dominated by Chaz which was too rough; enough for Blitz to scream out “chill the fuck out”

Occupation(s):

• Founder of I.M.P (currently)

* Employer of M&M and Loona

• Loo Loo Land clown (formerly)

* Coworkers >>> Fizzarolli & Barbie Wire (formerly)

AU:

King of the Ars Goetia (alongside Stolas)

Flaw(s):

Obsessions:

* Horses >>> enough to be considered a “furry”

* Moxxie & Millie’s relationship >>> to the point of stalking them in their own home

• Philophobia (Fear of love)

* May feel distant from people potential romantic partners and may even be afraid of them

ie: hence why he keeps Stolas at an arms length, despite craving intimacy, and ideally wants a stable relationship an official relationship with him (as Moxxie said in 1x06 “Truth Seekers”)

(That would actually be interesting to see in S3 (confirmed) after Stolitz get together officially; I think that season would be about their relationship and actually overcome their problems as a couple — lol not at ALL like M&M 😂)

• Lacks emotional intelligence

* Usually rage and aggression is Blitz’s first reaction in ANY given situation (depending what’s happening and who he’s talking to 😂)

• Dyslexic (confirmed)

* Stated when Blitz spelt “steal” as “s-t-e-e-l” and “stuff” as “stuf” in 2x02 shortly after Octavia cracked his password (1-2-3-4) to his safe

• Workaholic >>> would be the type to focus on work to not want to deal with personal issues or to “blow off steam” (💥🔫)

* Loona told Blitz that he wasn’t her “real dad” (in 1x03 “Spring Broken”) which made him state that he needed to go and “kill something” to avoid the conflict with his daughter

• Insomnia >>> confirmed in 1x07 & 2x02

Theory: Loona also has the “Sleep Pillz” app so she can help Blitz out or track his sleeping schedule or whatever 😂

• Stage fright >>> full blown panic attack in 2x02 (witnessed by Stolas)

• Alcholic

Type: Emotional drinker (1x08)

AU:

* Stolas can help Blitz get to by creating a portal to the constellation of stars

• Undiagnosed ADHD (unconfirmed)

• Attachment insecurity (avoidant)

Kinks:

• Being praised (I think it’s a common thing amongst families and their dysfunction to have such a kink especially if the child had been neglected and hadn’t received any sort love from their parents)

• People’s names

ie: Truth Seekers - he had called Stolas by his name 3 times within a minute

• Desk fantasy (cuz come on what employer who has an office of their own doesn’t fantasise about this 🤣)

• Being a bottom

* Slightly canon given the way Blitz got excited over Stolas’s dominance in 2x02

• Calling people “Daddy / Mommy / Parent”

* Depending on what their gender is, whether it be cisgender or non-binary of any gender

• Human forms (via Verosika or Stolas)

• Plotting a revenge kill

RP:

* Was brainwashed by Royce to take away his dominant nature, so Blitz had no choice but to be a sub

Romance(s):

• Moxxie & Millie Knolastname (sexual attraction)

• Verosika Mayday (ex-girlfriend)

• Stolas of the Ars Goetia (crush; former transactional partner)

• Striker (sexual attraction)

RP:

Turf Wars (Tixel):

Stolas of the Ars Goetia >>> (husband)

Royce Sinclair >>> (Brainwashed)

Lerato >>> One night stand

Chaos Gods (Blitzika):

Verushka Mayday >>> (attraction; temporarily)

Stolas of the Ars Goetia >> (crush)

Chloe Lovelace >>> (crush)

Verosika Mayday >>> (wife)

A Second Chance (Sterosika):

Verosika Mayday >>> (ONS; not by choice)

Stolas of the Ars Goetia >>> (husband)

Stuart Mayday >>> (former attraction)

Beth Eldritch >>> (attraction)

* Mother of Seviathan & Helsa Elderitch

Weakness(es):

Kids (unless he has to kill them for work)

Spelling >>> texting (probably prefers to call or use voice over and use it as a strength)

I.M.P >>>> will be tempted by any offer so he can expand and gain fame for his business

• Example: Striker’s offer to Blitz of “killing the unkillable” in Moonlight Harvest Festival (1x05)

PTSD (Tixel; RP)

• Provoked by Royce’s emotional manipulation and fucking with Blitz’s head by pretending to be — his husband — Stolas

Blitz’s disrespect (sometimes when he’s mouthing off, to the wrong sort of people, it can turn the situation — especially for his work — hostile; sometimes much to Moxxie’s annoyance)

Attachment insecurity (semi-confirmed)

Horses >>> to the point of obsession

Stage fright (confirmed >>> 2x02)

Family >>> personal or work

Stolas’s human form (🥵)

Abandonment issues

Unpredictability

“Truth gas”

Strengths:

Business

• Can throw in a free deal if client is upset (ie: 1x01) and is an expert in killing people that they want I.M.P to kill

youtube

Semi-immune to tranquillisers

Sex (really good at it)

Unpredictability

Likes:

• Babying, embarrassing, & grossing Loona out (as parents do 😂)

• Stalking Millie and Moxxie (only because he’s lonely and is envious of their relationship)

• Horses >>> anything related to that; movies; toys; etc

• Challenges & bets (and winning them 😂)

• Moxxie and him having daddy issues

• Trying to reconnect with with Barbie

• Homeless people

• Musical theatre

• Shooting TVs

• Iced coffee

• Mondays

• Drawing

• Murder

* Blood

Other:

Stolas’s human form

implied in 2x02; even though Blitz didn’t say anything it’s clearly evident in his body language:

* Winks flirtatiously at Stolas in the audience

* Affected by Stolas flirting with him

* Sweaty and swallowing hard

* Blushing deeply

• Hanging out with Fizzarolli (formerly)

• Starting his own circus (formerly)

• Pirates (as a kid)

• His daughter

• Money

• Sex

AU:

Stolas’s dominance

* Most likely the ONLY person Blitz will allow to dominate him since Chaz (of course)

Dislikes:

• Stolas's explicit advances (formerly >>> TBA)

* soon Blitz won’t have to deal this anymore post 2x04

• Fizzarolli living out his childhood dream of becoming a successful performer

• Being referred as anything more than a “plaything”

• Anyone else having sex with both Moxxie and Millie

• His twin sister wanting nothing to do with him

• Verosika reminding Blitz of how they broke up

• The idea of dying alone and being partnerless

• People pronouncing the “o” in his name

• People making a big deal about stuff

• His office walls being destroyed

• Being interrupted with a client

• Anyone flirting with Loona

• Doing bodyguard work

• Stolas being in danger

• Being looked down on

• Loona being upset

• People bad at sex

• Stolas’s wrath

• Criticism

Other:

Males flirting with his daughter (as any overprotective father would of their daughter 😂)

Stolas’s overprotectiveness and babying over him (which is ironic because Blitz does it to Loona 😂)

Being referred as NOT Loona’s real dad (derogatory)

Racism; particularly when it’s directed towards imps

People deadnaming him; by not dropping the “o”

The I.M.P walls being damaged

Loona going to the human world

* without him or his permission

People talking shit about him

Showing his vulnerability

Stolas pinching his cheek

Stolas being upset

Deranged clients

Being broke

AU:

• Anything Ozzie’s related - because of the traumatic memory of what happened between when him and Stolas were on their so called “date” 😭

• Any members of his family being endanger; whether it’s his personal one or “work”

• Loona’s parents coming back to take their daughter back (if they haven’t died; which is every foster guardian’s fear 😈)

_____________________________________

Friends:

• Millie (employee & former babysitter for Loona ?)

• Moxxie (employee & former cellmate)

• Loona (employee & daughter)

• Joe & Lin (Millie’s parents)

• Stolas (TBC)

Enemies:

• Striker (temporary friend)

* even more hostile towards him for physically hurting Stolas and putting him in hospital 😈

• Employees of C.H.E.R.U.B.S

• Employees of D.H.O.R.K.S

• Fizzarolli (ex-coworker / best friend)

* Rob-Fizz (ex-coworker)

• Verosika Mayday (rival)

* Verosika’s posse

AU:

• Stella (inevitable)

Other:

• Hound (former & current employee)

Status: Role play

Chazwick Thurman (one-night-stand)

Barbie Wire (former coworker)

Wally Wackford (acquainted)

Cash Buckzo (former boss)

Loo Loo (former coworker)

Loona’s babysitter (2x03)

Unnamed therapist

Eddie (victim)

Ars Goetia family:

• Stolas (ongoing affair)

* For business currently (but hopefully will turn more personal around S2 (end) and S3)

• Stella (acquainted)

*Both in the pilot and in episode 2x01 “The Circus” of the same scene but different perspectives

• Paimon (acquainted; temporary owner)

• Octavia (acquainted)

Hazbin Hotel:

Katie Killjoy (idol)

Rosie (idol)

Affiliation(s):

I.M.P

S.S.F (Working for Royce)

Format: Role play

• The Four Horsemen (Worked for Valentino & Alastor)

Format: Role play

AU (standard):

Prince of Ars the Goetia (with 💍 Stolas 💍)

Status: inevitable

RP: (Blitzika)

Prince of Ars the Goetia (with 💍 Verosika 💍)

________________________________

Family:

Mother: Tilla Buckzo (✝��)

(twin) Sister: Barbie Wire

(adoptive) Daughter: Loona Buckzo

AU:

Husband: Stolas of the Ars Goetia (inevitable)

(step) Daughter: Octavia of the Ars Goetia (inevitable)

(biological) Daughter: T.J. of the Ars Goetia (OC)

Other:

Work:

“Child”: I.M.P (the building itself 😂)

“Work” brother: Moxxie Knolastname

* Also is T.J.'s “godfather” & substitute uncle

Surrogate mother / “godmother” / aunt: Millie Knolastname

Status: For T.J. to have that little bit bigger family in exchange for those Blitz had cut off from his life

Estranged:

Father-in-law: King Paimon (inevitable)

Numerous nameless siblings-in-law (inevitable)

Father: Cash Buckzo

(twin) Sister: Barbie Wire

RPs (Tixel)

Axel x T.J. (OC) = Tixel

(1#) Son-in-law: Axel of the Ars Goetia

Grandson: Axel “A.J.” Junior of the Ars Goetia

Deadname: Angel

Granddaughter: Abria of the Ars Goetia

Pronounced: “Aria”

(2#) Son-in-law: Rimon Shiv (N/A)

Grandson: Shiv AKA “Vish” Shiv

Granddaughter: Azrael Shiv

(illegitimate) Son: Nikolas “Wire”-Mayday (via Verosika 😈)

Granddaughter-in-law: Snow Dust (via her marriage with A.J.)

Grandson-in-law: Samael Beaufoy (via being engaged to Abria)

(great) Grandson: Claudius Beaufoy of the Ars Goetia

Wife: Royce Sinclair (via emotional manipulation 😈)

(imminent) Daughter: Marianne ‘Mare’ Buckzo

Son: Sylas Sinclair

RP 2: (Blitzika)

Blitz x Verosika = Blitzika (Before breaking up)

Status (RP): Blitz is to deal with his feelings for Stolas and everyone else cock-blocking — much to his ongoing chagrin because of it — him because it would be the “end of the world” sort of thing

• Also may be falling out of love with Verosika since of the ridiculous accusations and had been giving him grief about the Chaos Gods “Stolitz” plan

Status (Alt): Stolas dies a heroic’s death leaving Blitz custody of Octavia just like he had promised him and falls out of love with Verosika — breaking up with her because of the same reason as (up above ⬆️) — and falls in love with Chloe, Verosika’s cousin, 😈, but still helps the latter out with child support and still co-parent’s with her

Wife: Verosika Mayday (RP)

(adoptive) Daughter: Loona “Wire” (OG)

Mother-in-law: Verushka Mayday (RP)

Father-in-law: Asmodeus (?) (RP)

Cousin-in-law: Chloe Lovelace AKA Evil Iris (RP)

Blitzika children (biological):

• Evika Mayday

• Tilla Mayday (an alternative version of T.J. the Stolitz hybrid but still honouring Blitz’s late mother)

• Astaroth Mayday (in honour of Astaroth of everything that he had done for Verosika and Blitz in “Blitzika: Chaos Gods” role play)

Other:

Coparent: Stolas (for Loona ✝️)

Coparent: Verosika (For Evika, Astaroth, & Tilla Mayday)

Mini RPs:

Disowned:

(Coparent) Daughter: Octavia of the Ars Goetia

Chaos Gods (alternative):

(adoptive) Daughter: Octavia of the Ars Goetia-Buckzo

• If Stolas died in the ‘Chaos Gods’ war’ and had asked Blitz to adopt his daughter to avoid Octavia being in custody of Stella

Wife: Chloe Lovelace-Buckzo (alt)

Daughter: Alloy Buckzo

Mother-in-law: Carmen Lovelace (estranged via Chloe)

Father-in-law: Ruben Lovelace

Sister-in-law: Mirabelle Lovelace

Sister-in-law: Jocelyn Lovelace

Uncle-in-law: Asmodeus of Ars Goetia

Aunt-in-law: Verushka Mayday

Cousin-in-law: Verosika Mayday

Other:

Sister-in-law: Calitzzo of the Ars Goetia >>> RP

Nephew: Nero Elderitch >>> RP

________________________________

Nicknames:

• B (by Loona)

* hand written message from the episode “Ozzie’s” (I’m assuming at this point ‘B’ is probably for 'Blitz’ because that would be weird if she called her dad'Boss' out of work hours. I mean if she really wants to, she can, I guess 😂)

• Blitzy (by Stolas)

Formerly >>> post 2x04 (?)

* My Little Impish Plaything

* My Big Dicked Blitzy

* My darling Blitzy

* My Little Imp

* Darling

* Blitz

• Fuckstain (by Verosika Mayday)

• Mr. O (by the St An’s and nurse)

• Filthy Wrathian (by Sloth civilian)

• Fire Toad (by Sloth civilian child)

• Sir (by Moxxie, Millie, & Striker)

• Blitzy (by Striker & Stolas)

• Dad (by Loona >>> 1x08)

• Little Devil (by Martha)

• My Man (by Vortex)

• Bingo (by Doc)

• B (by Millie)

• Bossman (by Striker)

* Rodeo Clown

• Boy (by Cash Buckzo)

* Son

• Little Bastard (By Beelzebub)

* Imp Boy

• Blitz/Blitzo (by Barbie Wire)

* Shithead

AU:

• Stepdad (by Octavia)

* Step-Boss

* SD

• Dad (by Loona, T.J., & Octavia)

More so for the former in front of Thunder to prove a point by calling Blitz “Dad” but refer to her biological father by his actual name - or even take it one step further and call Stolas by his paternal name deliberately to hurt the hellhound 😈 😆

* D&D (Dad & Dad)

When talking or referring to both Stolas & Blitz (⬇️)

* D1 (OG) & D2

* Dads

• My other half (by Barbie Wire >>> familial way)

• Prince Blitz of the Ars Goetia (by the Goetia staff & citizens via being married to Stolas)

* My Dark Lord 2# (by Asmodeus)

* Your Higness (by the guards)

* King Blitz (Alarik >>> RP)

* His Majesty

• My Loving Husband (by Stolas)

• Boss-Dad (by Loona; rarely)

• Blitzo (by….)

* Angel Dust (AU — alternative 😆)

* St An’s Receptionist

* Fizzarolli (young)

* Verosika Mayday

* Fizzarolli (adult)

* Young Stolas

* Octavia (AU)

* Barbie Wire

RP:

• Blitz The Bloody Bloodhound (by T.J.)

• Shitzo (by Angel Dust)

* To Stolas about Blitz

• Boy-toy (by Octavia)

• Fucktard (by Kiki)

• Steve

________________________________

Abilities:

Natural:

• Prehensile tail - his tail can support his whole body by hanging himself upside down as a kid in “The Circus”, similar to a possum

• Fire resistance - like the rest of his species Blitz can not be harmed by fire in the living world and had told Martha “that’s not how it works” when she attempted to set him and Millie on fire

• Night vision - like most imps Blitz has the ability to see in the dark

Skills:

• Weapon mastery - Blitz is a sharpshooter and is extremely proficient with various of weapons and favoured firearms and is often shown brandishing his own golden percussion pistol

• Driving efficiency - Blitz is usually the one driving on I.M.P’s business trips

• Disguise - Blitz, Moxxie, Millie have countless of different disguises to use to go into the human world

* Although if Stolas joins I.M.P as a full time member they could be spelled into a human

Unique:

Purring - Shown to be able to purr like a cat, during the two times he follows Moxxie and Millie into their bedroom during the pilot and The Harvest Moon Festival, respectively.

________________________________

Appearance/ personality:

(As an adult):

Blitz has crimson skin with white blotches of various sizes that cover parts of his forearms, chest, and his tail, as well as most of the right side of his face.

He has black spines on his head and upper back, as well as on his tail, which ends with a triangular point (that resembles similarly to the Devil’s tail) that has a black spot at the tip.

the imp’s tail moves determining how he’s feeling in the moment (sort of like when a dog’s tail wags back and forth to show that they’re happy)

He has fairly broad forearms and hands, pointed feet with boot-like heels, and a long, narrow head, out of which extends large, curved, black and white striped horns.

His eyes are red and his sclera are yellow, which are lined with a thick circle of black. Has sharp yellow pointy teeth and red forked tongue that resembles similarly to a snake’s.

Blitz wears a tattered slate-gray collared coat with red buttons down the breast, black knee-high boots and elbow length black, fingerless gloves, featuring large, rounded, yellow decorations on the upper side of them.

Primarily his voice changes depending on the situation and who he’s actually talking to. For example:

When he’s angry his voice will go higher (almost to the point where it’s classified as screaming 😂) and throw in a few fast-paced expletives

When he’s feeling vulnerable or serious his voice drops a few notches lower than his usual excitable OTT demeanour

When he’s happy, as I said before above, he primarily likes to pick on people (Moxxie in particular) and pretty much feels like nothing can ruin his day, until it actually does)

As seen in Seeing Stars (2x02) Blitz is to be revealed to be physically athletic — when Stolas sees the fire behind him

Accessories:

He wears a red skull charm around his neck (that he most likely got from his mother)

(As a child):

In pictures of him in his youth, it is shown that Blitzo lacked the white blotches on his body that he has in adulthood, and, as a teenager, he wore braces.

He also lacked the back spikes under his nape and on his back, as well as the two stripes near the tip of his tail that he has as an adult.

How would you describe Blitz’s personality?

* Bitter (only when he’s with people that aren’t as close to him. But that doesn’t include people he cares deeply about; like his friends and family of one)

* Dominate (in everything he does, and, yes, especially even when in comes to sex 😂)

* Loyal - as seen in 1x05 — Moon Harvest Festival— when Blitzø turned down Striker’s tempting offer in order to protect Stolas 🥰

* Bias - as seen in the “pilot” episode, when his daughter made a mistake, who nearly had killed everyone on the I.M.P team.

* Overprotective of Loona (especially when it comes to his daughter and males flirting with her)

* Babyish >>> towards his daughter

* Expressive (facial)

* Family orientated

* Temperamental

* Unprofessional

• Impracticable

* Foul-mouthed

* Undisciplined

* Disrespectful

* Manipulative

* Effervescent

* Hypocritical

* Workaholic

* Bombastic

* Egotistical

* Flirtatious

* Sardonic

* Comedic

* Sadistic

* Insecure

Others: (rare)

* Anxious (particularly when it comes to sentimentality; which is not his forte when it comes to feelings)

* Protective (towards friends & family particularly when it comes to his daughter or Stolas 😏)

* Paternal (towards Octavia & Loona only)

* Any sort of affection for Stolas >>> 2x02:

- ‘Boyfriend / husband banter’

- Sweating

- Blushing

2x03:

N/A

Complained about Chaz’s poor performance in bed & how he’s not rich (this seems to me like he doesn’t want anyone else but Stolas 😉)

2x04:

• Guilty (publicly)

* After Stolas told him that he’d be at the hospital for a while but he could visit him. Blitz didn’t respond to his text, it was most likely due to self-condemnation for not taking the kidnapping seriously and Stolas getting wounded because of it

• Platonic (selectively)

* This is proven in both scenes by being paternalistic with Loona when it came to her anxiety about her hellbies shot and also friendly with Stolas and wished him to get better with a :( at the end of his message

(Now that I think about it they’re both people that Blitz really cares about. Interesting… 😏)

• Feminine

* Whilst Blitz was talking to Moxxie in 2x03 , he had this feminine stance at the mention of getting out and returning to his daughter before the babysitter killed him — metaphorically (?) 😆 — for being late

* After Blitz and Loona were called by the doctor the former dusted his coat in graceful way, which was so uncharacteristic of him to do (ISTG he’s practicing his elegance for Stolas 😜)

• Fearful

* Blitz became slightly alarmed when he was told that Stolas could get physically hurt ; on the level of losing a loved one , whether that’s a boyfriend or husband

• Respectful (selectively)

* In 1x06 Blitz had a reverential expression on his face when he saw Stolas came to save him and I.M.P

* Blitz is also pretty much 95% attentive to Loona and the 5% being his eccentric-self and grossing her out (as parents do, to embarrass their child, I guess 🤣)

2x05:

• Cooperative (selective)

* Seen when Blitz was less hostile towards Barbie and was more compassionate with her, on that brotherly level

(As a child):

* Happy-go-lucky

* Sentimentalist

* Optimistic

* Sensitive

* Visionary

* Innocent

* Nervous

* Playful

Other (Influenced by Cash):

• Stealing

* Only had really stole the treasure (from the Goetia family) and the grimoire (respectively from Stolas)

• Manipulation

* Emotionally

• Selfishness

• Vulgar

• Lying

________________________________

Trivia:

* In the episode “Ozzie’s” is the second time Blitz displayed how shattered he was after his and Stolas’s so-called “date”

• By his admission, the "o" in Blitzo's name is silent. "Blitz" is also the German word for "lightning".

• In "Loo Loo Land", he remarks how the "o" has been silent since his resignation from his job at the titular circus.

• Those whom Blitz used to know in the past, such as Verosika Mayday, Fizzarolli (by extension, Robo Fizz), and Wally Wackford still pronounce the "o" at the end of his name. In the case of the former two, who are now on bad terms with Blitzo, they pronounce the "o" intentionally, knowing that he now actively dislikes it.

• Brandon Rogers described Blitz’s involvement with showbizz as a passion that he fell out of.

* In "Murder Family", there is a poster in his office titled "The Blitz Show", implying he had his own routine along with being part of "The Amazing Imp Twins". Robo Fizz makes a possible reference to this when he pokes fun at Blitzo for previously having had, as he describes it, a lazy and unfunny show that no one laughed at, at Loo Loo Land.

• In "Murder Family", it is revealed that Blitz goes to therapy and that his therapist apparently "finds him gross".

• In "Truth Seekers", it is revealed that Blitz is a college dropout.

* It also revealed that he took so many tranquilizer darts that he became semi-immune to them.

• It is shown in "Ozzie's" that every physical photo of himself, hanging on the walls of his apartment, has his own face crossed out with black, seemingly deliberately. Interesting enough, he is shown to have kept pictures of his past on his phone without any erasure of his own face.

* It is also revealed that his phone's lock-screen is a picture of his own drawing of himself riding Bombproof.

• While Blitz regularly pushes himself (often physically) into the personal lives of others, ironically, he doesn't appreciate it at all when others so much as pry into his own personal life.

• Blitz is implied to be an atheist, or at least comically cynical in his ideas of a God, as he jokes, "Huh, I guess there is a God!", when informed that the human child Moxxie accidentally shot was their right target, after all.

• Blitz can purr like a cat; this can be heard when he is secretly watching Moxxie sleep during the pilot, and once again in "The Harvest Moon Festival".

• In "Loo Loo Land", it appears that he keeps Martha's eye in a jar as a memento of that job.

• Blitz shares two similar traits with Loopty Goopty; those being that he and Loopty are both voiced by Brandon Rogers, and that they both dislike it whenever anyone mispronounces their names.

• Blitz loves horses, almost to the point of obsession, and even owns toy horses. This obsession may have been the final straw for his romantic relationship with Verosika Mayday, who finally broke up with him after he maxed out her credit card to purchase horse riding lessons. In "C.H.E.R.U.B", he also spends all the money Loopty Goopty paid him to kill Lyle Lipton on a toy horse named "Mare-ajuana", which is covered in gems.

• His love for horses dates back as early as his childhood as shown in "The Circus".

• In one of his Voxtagram posts it can be inferred that Blitz is pansexual. His behavior and dating history on the show are very much reflective of this, however, as the service and its affiliated accounts have been confirmed as not officially canon, it is currently not confirmed if he identifies with the specific label.

• It is revealed in "The Circus" that Stolas had developed a crush on him when the two were still kids, specifically during the former's first witness of his performance on his birthday.

* It is also foreshadowed in a flashback how Blitzo's career path had turned to murdering people rather than starting his own circus, when his younger self stated how he found blood "cool".

Blitz & Stolas’s “transactional fucking” lands on every 14th month

• Apparently according to Loona, in 1x06, if Blitz uses ZERO euphemisms, NO swearing, NO sexual innuendos then it means he’s serious

(well if Stolas ever dates Blitz he better watch out for the lack of these signs 😂)

Other:

1x06:

• It has shown that Blitz can have the capability to be vulnerable (very rarely and to a point) as seen in “Truth Seeker” and is seen comforting Moxxie and told him:

“You know my name. Use it.” - Blitz, 1x06

* During the drug trip, for Blitz, it’s canon that obviously he is both traumatised, psychologically by his insecurities and a small part of him that feels guilt about the people he had interacted and had been ridiculed by; Verosika, Fizzarolli, Striker, and even Moxxie

Not saying that he was ridiculed by Moxxie, who just wouldn’t do that to his employer, but still probably knew subconsciously that he was doing the wrong thing by him.

* In theory, — from what he had witnessed from stalking M&M — he actually does want a relationship with Stolas (around 1x06; where I think he started to have some feelings for him) but didn’t / doesn’t know how to get there (even if Blitz had their positions in hierarchy is still a current problem)

‘You are afraid of intimacy, Sir, and yet you crave it. Are you afraid the missus and I will have had enough of it as well?’- Hallucinogenic Moxxie to Blitz

youtube

2x02:

• Blitz can actually be seen scared of Stolas (depending on the situation; ie: 2x02 “Seeing Stars”

• Blitz suffers from stage fright (which can actually lead to a panic attack) and it probably had something to do with Cash who was the cause of it:

* “Are you trying to crush my dreams like my dad did?” Blitz to Moxxie in the pilot episode

• Whilst texting Mille Blitz nicknamed Stolas to “Stols” (when you nickname someone it’s really more for those who are friends, family, and lovers not really for one night stands 😏)

• Because of the type of work Blitz does he has an athletic build (6-pack included)

• When threatened Blitz’s warning signs are:

* Tail rattles like rattlesnake’s

* Spikes rise upwards

* Hisses like a cat

2x03:

• In Moxxie’s flashback, stated by Blitz, that needed to relieve Loona’s babysitter

• Blitz complained about Chaz’s performance in bed because he secretly has feelings for Stolas and knows he can’t get any better than that 😈

• Chaz was a little bit too rough with Blitz enough for him to tell him to “chill the fuck out”

• It’s implied that Blitz had seen Shrek when he said “we’re doing a Shrek”; which makes sense since donkey turns into a horse in one

2x04:

• Blitz’s ringtone for Stolas had changed from a man screaming in agony to a bird tweet

• Blitz was the first one (besides the paparazzi & the medical team) to catch a glimpse of Stolas’s tailpiece (🪶) before anyone else could, especially out of the I.M.P crew, and was rushed into the ER

• At the end of the episode Blitz was deeply concerned — on a boyfriend / husband friend level — about Stolas’s condition and was surprised that he could even be physically hurt

* Despite everything that happened between them at Ozzie’s Stolas texted Blitz saying that he’d be in hospital for a while due to recovery (probably for the next two episodes or more) but he could visit him, but when he hadn’t texted back, shows that Blitz likely harboured some guilt for not taking the kidnapping seriously and Stolas getting hurt because of it.

• According to Brandon Rogers his favourite line of Blitz’s so far is “He can get HURT?” from 2x04

• In 1x08 Blitz’s ringtone for Loona is a small dog yapping (which is the same as the one for I.M.P)

* At the end of the episode Blitz — who was in a drunken state — slurred out the names Moxxie, Millie, & Stolas 😏

2x05:

TBA

2x06:

TBA

2x07:

TBA

2x08:

TBA

2x09:

TBA

2x10:

TBA

2x11:

TBA

2x12:

TBA

S3:

TBA

S4:

TBA

#brandon rogers (primary)#michael romeo ruocco #brandon rogers #blitz buckzo

6 notes · View notes

ticklystuff · 3 years ago

Text

Kuya and Bunso

summary: modern au where thoma is fluent in tagalog and aether is interested in learning

warnings: this is a tickle fic

word count: ~1.8k

a/n: ok so i found out recently that thoma’s english va is filipino and @danibby and i are both filipino too so we started talking about how thoma would be fluent in tagalog and he’d know a lot about filipino culture and he’d share his knowledge and experience with aether and that’s how the idea for this fic came about. i’m not fluent in tagalog but i can understand it perfectly fine and know a decent amount of words off the top of my head so hopefully this didn’t come out too bad but ya if you’re fluent in tagalog pls feel free to scalp me

“Paa.”

“Paa? Uhhh, paa,” Aether mumbled to himself as he scanned Thoma’s body, looking for the body part that matched what Thoma was saying.

Aether bit his lip in thought as he replayed the word over and over in his head. Learning a new language was a lot more difficult than Aether was expecting and he wasn’t sure how Thoma managed. Granted, Thoma did have to travel abroad for his work in the Philippines and if he wanted to live comfortably in a foreign place, adapting to their language and culture would have been necessary.

Now, though, Thoma was back permanently from his business trip, having only visited home a couple times for one week max during the two years he had to spend there. Every time he flew home for a visit, Thoma would bring back many stories and experiences, as well as souvenirs, or pasalubong, to share amongst his family and friends. Aether loved hearing about the friendly people, the white sands of Boracay, the delicious street food that often gave Thoma food poisoning, and many more and this only helped to spark Aether’s interest in the Philippines. He often found himself spending most of his weekends at Thoma’s place, learning a little bit more about their culture each time.

Since Aether was so interested in the Philippines, Thoma started giving him Tagalog lessons, hoping it’d be enough to prepare Aether if he so chose to make the trip one day, but learning a new language is never easy, so the two had to think of creative ways to get Thoma’s lessons to stick, which led to Thoma coming up with their current game.

“You have ten seconds to figure out what ‘paa’ is,” Thoma told Aether with a smirk as he watched the other start panicking. “Isa..”

Aether’s mind started racing as Thoma started to count to ten in Tagalog, knowing full well what would happen if he failed to guess correctly. At the last moment, Aether jumped for Thoma’s feet at the end of the bed, giving the socked soles a few tickles, hearing Thoma burst into giggles from behind him. He had made a blind guess and hoped it wouldn’t come back to bite him.

“Okay, okahahahay!” Thoma sat up and pulled his leg away from Aether, wrapping his arms around his stomach as he let his giggles subside. “Okay, you were right. ‘Paa’ means feet.”

Aether cheered to himself and was rewarded with a high five from Thoma, while mentally breathing a sigh of relief, happy he had made the right choice. As part of today’s language lesson, Thoma wanted to teach Aether different body parts in Tagalog. Instead of just telling Aether what certain body parts were called in Tagalog, Thoma decided to add a little twist to today’s lesson, claiming it’d help Aether retain the information after today. As part of the “game”, Thoma would give Aether a body part in Tagalog and Aether would have to guess which one Thoma was referring to by tickling the specific area on Thoma’s body to lock in his answer. If Aether guessed right, then they moved on to the next word, but if he was wrong, then Thoma got to tickle him back by targeting the correct spot that he was referring to. It was an exciting game that kept Aether on edge because of how ridiculously sensitive he was everywhere and he knew Thoma chose tickling on purpose due to how many times they’d gotten themselves into tickle fights. At least this specific method would help properly cement some of the words into Aether’s brain.

“Alright, let’s see,” Thoma said to himself as he let his body plop down onto the bed once more, tucking both of his hands under his head. “Let’s do one a little harder.”

“Bring it on, kuya,” Aether told him as he crossed his arms together, his voice laced with the slight bit of confidence.

Thoma couldn’t help but playfully roll his eyes at the smug expression plastered on Aether’s face. “How about ‘kili kili’ this time?”

Aether definitely knew this one. Within seconds, he was on top of Thoma, having pounced straight for his stomach, giving no time for Thoma to prepare for the wiggling fingers digging into the thin grey t-shirt that protected his tummy. Since he was attacked without warning, Thoma let out a half-shriek half-squeal, followed by a steady stream of giggles.

“Wrohohong! You’re wrohohong!” Thoma tried to tell him through his giggling, attempting to slap Aether’s hands away with his own when the other kept up the tickling.

“No, you’re definitely lying!” Aether protested, his fingers digging in slightly more, insisting that he was right again. He knew he wasn’t wrong.

“Nohohoho! AHAHAHAHAHA!” Thoma’s giggles turned into full-blown laughter once Aether had turned things up a notch. He started kicking his legs and continued to cry out that Aether was incorrect, eventually managing to catch Aether’s wrists with his own hands.

“Wait, was I actually wrong?” Aether awkwardly chuckled as he looked down at Thoma’s red face, watching the other catch his breath from the tickling.

“Y-Yeah,” Thoma managed to pant out. After recovering, he sat up on the bed and released Aether’s left arm, but still held onto the right, slowly lifting it up into the air over Aether’s head. “Stomach in Tagalog is tiyán. Kili kili means armpit.”

“Oh,” Aether muttered, feeling slightly embarrassed at his confident mistake. It wasn’t long, though, before he felt a single finger wiggle along the inside of his underarm at the edge of his sleeve, eliciting giggles from Aether.

“You were getting pretty cocky a minute ago. What happened?” Thoma couldn’t help but tease as he watched Aether squirm around, but Thoma continued to hold Aether’s wrist over his head. His finger managed to slip under the hem of the short-sleeved shirt, causing Aether to jerk around even more.

“Hehehehahaha! I’m sohohohorry!” Aether burst into hysterical laughter as he felt Thoma begin to add in more fingers scribbling against the pale skin. He tried his best to pull away, but Thoma kept his grip on his arm tight and his other hand simply chased Aether around wherever he wiggled his body.

After about a minute of tickling, Thoma finally released Aether’s arm, but still attempted to keep up the tickling, laughing playfully as he chased Aether around on the bed. Aether did his best to scoot away, but he simply wasn’t quick enough and soon felt both of Thoma’s hands in his armpits. He tried to protect his sensitive spots by clamping his arms to his body, but that only trapped Thoma’s hands in his underarms and Aether soon fell back into hysterics as he felt Thoma’s poke and pinch the tickly areas.

“Thomahahaha! Stohohohop!” Aether cried out once he felt Thoma’s hands move down to his sides, breaking the rule of the game. He squealed when he felt both of his sides being pinched, causing him to squirm back and forth as Thoma laughed along with how silly Aether looked.

“Alright, alright.” Thoma removed his hands and sat back, laughing as Aether pushed himself away and crossed his arms at him.

“You said you’d go easy,” Aether whined with a pout.

“Hehe, sorry, couldn’t resist,” Thoma told him, laughing when Aether stuck his tongue out at him. “But alright, let’s move onto the next. Hmm, how about ‘bunso’?”

Bunso? Aether’s definitely heard this one before, but he was having trouble picturing it. He bit his lip in thought, watching as Thoma laid down on the bed again. He didn’t want to mess up again like last time, but Thoma started counting out loud again and Aether couldn’t help but begin to panic for a second time.

“W-Wait, I need more time,” Aether said, but Thoma didn’t stop counting and it didn’t help that he seemed to be enjoying how nervous Aether was from the smirk on his face. The three spots that they had gone over already were feet, stomach, and armpits, so maybe bunso meant ribs? Only one way to find out.

“Wrohohohong!” Thoma managed to say through his laughter, brushing Aether’s hands away with his own.

“Ugh, I have no idea,” Aether sighed, pulling away as Thoma sat up once more. “What’s bunso?”

“Well, it’s a special word, I guess,” Thoma told him as he brought his hands to Aether’s sides, but didn’t actually start tickling, allowing his hands to rest where they were.

“So it means sides- Ahahahaha!” Aether squirmed around as Thoma began tickling him once more, but Thoma simply pounced on him, straddling Aether to keep him still.

“Actually, bunso means youngest sibling,” Thoma explained over Aether’s laughter.

“Whahahahat?!”

“In Filipino culture, we often refer to people that we’re close with that are slightly older as ‘kuya’ or ‘ate’, which mean older brother or older sister respectively, so I’m your ‘kuya’ in this case,” Thoma continued, digging even more into Aether’s sides, having to speak up as his laughter crescendoed. “Since you’re younger than me, that means you’re ‘bunso’, or the youngest.”

“Cheheheater!” Aether cried out, slapping the mattress with his hands weakly as Thoma continued to tickle him. Bunso wasn’t even a body part, so how was he even supposed to get that? Was he just supposed to tickle himself??

“Sorry to be deceiving,” Thoma snickered to himself, “but since you’re the bunso, that means I get to tickle you wherever.”

With that, Aether felt Thoma’s hands move over to his tummy, wailing as he felt his fingers dancing along the piece of bare skin that was revealed from his shirt riding upwards. His legs kicked and his arms flailed around as Thoma continued tickling one of his death spots, mentally slapping himself for falling for one of Thoma’s cheap tricks. He knew he would pull something like this at some point when Thoma brought up tickling as a potential learning tool.

“Wow, my bunso is so ticklish,” Thoma teased as Aether’s bright laughter filled the room, his fingers getting dangerously close to Aether’s bellybutton.

“Thohohoma! Plehehehease!”

“Hmm, call me kuya instead.”

“KuhuhuyahAHAHAHA!” Aether shrieked when he felt one of Thoma’s fingers briefly dip into his navel, sending a surge of tickly sensations to his brain.

“Okay, okay, kuya’s sorry,” Thoma laughed as he removed himself from Aether, sitting beside the other boy on the bed as Aether recovered.

“You cheated,” Aether complained through his breathy pants, slapping playfully at Thoma’s arm from where he lay.

“Sorry, it was just too easy,” Thoma giggled to himself. “Tell you what; I’ll let you tickle me for as long as you want.”

Aether sat up excitedly, his eyes filled with vengeance. “Does kuya promise?”

Thoma couldn’t help but chuckle nervously to himself, already feeling a bit of regret. “Heh, yeah, kuya promises.”

#aether #thoma #genshin impact #tickling

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writingsbymarie · 5 years ago

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Midsummer part 2 JJ Maybank x reader

Warnings: swearing, angst and fluff

Pairing: JJ x reader

Word count: 1.6k

part 1

A/N: I most likely will be writing a part 3 because I’m really liking this concept, so I might turn tis into a mini series. Also my requests are open and I have a prompt list that you guys can send in numbers for JJ I’m feeling really inspired to write currently.

You felt free. Your hand in JJs as you fled the midsummer ball with a smile on your face you felt the wind blowing your hair. You ran with your best friends to the van. JJ opened the door for you with a smile and you took a seat on the passenger side. JJ started up the car and you guys headed to a more private location.

You helped JJ start a fire, and you all sat in a circle. That's when John B. said he had found the gold.

“No fucking way” you gaped.

“Damn haven’t heard you swear like that I think ever” JJ laughed.

“Here we go again” pope sighed

“The golds been here the whole time, on the island” John B claimed and you couldn’t believe and he went on to explain his evidence and the letter and you were least to say convinced, but Kie wasn’t too happy about Sarah Cameron being involved. You decided to not join that fight because you didn’t mind Sarah Cameron and when Kie was mad you did not mess with her. John B. then left to go get the map from Sarah Cameron and the rest of you went back to sit in the van. JJ took a seat right next to you. Your legs were touching and every time his legs or arms bumped you it started a fire on your skin. You were so hyper-aware of his touch it was almost embarrassing. All you wanted to do was be in his arms, but you knew that wouldn’t happen.

“I can’t believe we actually might find the gold” you exclaimed shaking away your thoughts off JJ

“Not might we will, we have to” JJ restated. “Manifestation. If you really believe you are going to do something you will only positive energy Y/N”

“Since when did you become such an optimist?” Kie laughed.

“Since he found out there is 400 million worth of gold” Pope pointed out and all of you laughed.

“John B. is definitely macking on Sarah Cameron,” JJ laughed. “But I mean she's hot and rich so I guess go for it” You hated that it hurt when he said Sarah was hot. You were jealous. You never got jealous, you hated that feeling. You hated what jealousy makes people do and it scared you that even a statement like that made you angry.

“Ew JJ, shes a bitch! The “kook princess” we don’t associate with them” Kie spat.

“Calm down Kie we wouldn’t have gotten this close without her, yes I don’t like her, but if we need her for the gold then I guess she's with us” Pope debated.

“I have to say I agree with Pope on this one Kie” you admitted.

“Same here” JJ said. You were about to say something when you heard screams for help in the distance. You all came running out of the car to see Sarah Cameron sobbing on the ground with an unconscious John B. You felt your heart sink.

“Please get help. Topper he- he pushed him and he fell” Sarah sobbed and Kie went running to get help. You felt tears escape your eyes as you fell to the ground next to John B. You put your fingers to his wrist to feel a pulse. You felt a small bit of relief but you knew he needed help now.

“He has a pulse” you started taking a deep breath to stop yourself from a full blown panic attack. You grabbed John B's hand and cried with Sarah. The rain started to pour down and all you felt was dread. JJ was by your side, his hand in your free hand. It felt like ages before the Ambulance came. As they carried his body into the Ambulance you began to Sob. John B was like your brother. He was your neighbor for 12 years, and he was your best friend. That's when you felt JJ embrace you in a hug. You wrapped your arms around his torso and cried into his chest. He stroked your hair as he cried with you. After a short period of time you pulled away. Kie and Popes parents had already picked them up. Your mom was most likely asleep because she didn’t answer so you were going to go home with JJ.

“We should go wash up and go home, we can go see him in the morning. Hes been through so much he will make it through this” you sniffled. Your mascara had to be running down your face from the tears and rain.

“I'm going to kill him” JJ seethed looking down at the ground.

“JJ come on let's go you promised you’d stay with me tonight”

“I can’t just let him get away with this Y/N this is the second time hes almost killed my best friend we can’t keep letting them walk all over us with no consequence”

“I know, trust me I know, but he wouldn’t want you to go on a rampage”

“Y/n i have to do something”

“Please don’t make me go home alone” you pleaded with your eyes glossy. JJs face softened and he wiped a tear from your cheek.

“Okay” he whispered. He grabbed your hand and led you back to the van. The drive was silent, but a comfortable silence. All that mattered was that he was next to you. He was with you. JJ parked the van in your driveway and you both got out.

“We have to be quiet okay?” you said and JJ nodded. You grabbed his hand as you slowly opened the door and led him up the stairs. You passed your little sister's room as slowly and quietly as you could. Your room was the furthest from everyone and had its own bathroom, so you knew it would be easy to keep your parents from finding out about the boy who would be staying in your room. When you finally entered your room you took a deep breath. Your clothes were soaked and your headache. You white dress was covered in mud and you looked straight out of a horror movie.

“I have some clothes of yours here from when we had everyone over a couple weeks ago so you can wear that’ you said grabbing the clothes from inside your closet. He nodded, grabbing it. “You take a shower in my bathroom and Ill go take one in the one down the hall okay”and with that he headed to the bathroom and closed the door. You felt tears sting your eyes, but you held them in. You grabbed your Pajamas walking down the hall to your sister's bathroom. You closed the door and began to peel off your soaked white dress that was now more brown than white. You stepped in the shower and began to wash your body under the hot water. You were so sad, and tears began to fal again. You found yourself on the floor of the shower knees pulled to your chest. When you finally got yourself together you turned off the water and dried your body. You slipped on black sweatpants and an orange tank top. You took a deep breath and began to walk back your bedroom. You knocked lightly on the door to make sure you didn’t walk in on him changing.

“Yeah” you heard.

“Are you decent” you asked

“Yep” and with that you opened the door. His hair was messy and damp. His eyes were puffy and so were yours. You took a seat next to him on your bed and he leaned his head on your shoulder.

“I’m sorry” he whispered

“For what”

“For being a burden, for making you worry”

“JJ you are not a burden and worrying is what I do, don’t ever tell me that your sorry, You’re my best friend and I love you, it's my job to worry about you” The words I love you came out of your mouth without even thinking. You were glad he had his face on your shoulder so he couldn’t see how tomato red your face was.

“I love you too Y/n, thank you” and with that you wanted to cry, because you loved JJ so much it hurt you, and you knew it would never happen. He may love you but as a best friend and that's it. JJ lifted his head up to meet your eyes and you immediately looked down and tears began you prickle your eyes. JJs hand met your chin and lifted your head to look at him. He wiped a tear from your cheek and pulled you into his body, You wanted him to kiss you. You wanted to kiss him, but if this was all you were going to get then you were going to be okay with that. You cried in his arms and played with your wet hair.

“Everything is going to be okay” he whispered, placing a kiss on your head. Your friend was in the hospital after falling five stories and here you were crying over the boy who has you in his arms. You felt selfish, but you couldn’t let go.

“We should sleep” you yawned, pulling from his embrace, and he nodded.

“I can sleep on the couc-”

“No” you interrupted. “Um the bed is big enough for both of us”

“Okay” he replied and you climbed up the covers and he followed. You weren't sure how to lay until JJ pulled your body into his. You nuzzled into his chest and in this moment you felt home. You felt complete unconditional love for this boy, and you were so unaware that he was head over heels for you too

#jj maybank x reader #jj maybank fluff #jj maybank imagine #jj maybank smut #jj maybank #outerbanks #outer banks imagine

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queenofthedramedies · 4 years ago

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The Mik-ael-son Fam-i-ly! (Unedited)

Hello, my lovely readers! This part of my Halloween Month. And, yes, this is technically a crossover, but mostly TO related which is where Landon came from. Hope you enjoy the show. On with the show…

The Mik-ael-son Fam-i-ly!

"Are you sure this is cool?" Landon Kirby's eyes ticked over to his girlfriend, Hope Mikaelson. For Hope's part, she was the dictionary picture of serene. She leaned back into the public bus’s seat, her gaze focused on the unobstructed view of the full moon outside. A small smile made her lips curve and her eyes light up. Landon would be the dictionary picture of unsettled. His fingernails dug into the hard plastic of his seat. His breath came put in small puffs. He might, actually, have a full-blown panic attack.

"Don't worry, Landon." Hope said. She turned to offer him a smile. "It's covered. And this will be fun. I promise." Leaning over, Hope pressed a lingering kiss to Landon's lips. As she pulled back, their noses brushed and Landon felt himself smile. Yeah. Hope was probably right. They would be fine. He took Hope's hand as she turned back to her star-gazing; no one would on know they were gone...

Twenty-Four Hours Ago:

"Got big plans for Halloween? Kaleb Hawkins eyed the group with skepticism. Landon's lips formed a mystified O. He hadn't really thought about it, since a good chunk of the past couple of months had involved being in coma, then being kinda trapped inside his own body, with Malivore at the wheel, and then back to with his friends. Halloween just did not feel like something Landon would be that into, this year, anyway.

"Of course! We're hosting put annual Halloween party. Right, Jo?" Lizzie smirked at the others, her eyes twinkling with mischief. "Jo?" Lizzie fried when Jo continued to work on the list in her lap. "Are you with us, Sister?"

Josie Saltzman's dark eyes rose to meet Lizzie's. "I hear you. I'm just trying to complete this application." Her eyes went back to the application.

Landon's eyes flicked over to the Harvard emblem at the top of page. Yup. That would explain Lizzie's mood. But the blond shut her mouth

The only person who seemed excited was MG. "Lizzie's Halloween parties are EPIC!" He raised his hands in the air and sis a little dance in his seat to demonstrate. Lizzie smirked and rolled her eyes and Kaleb groaned.

Rafael Waithe, Landon's brother, cut in, "Isn't it Halloween, every day, in that place?" He waved a finger, indicating the entire boarding school." He looked to Landon who nodded, wondering why Hope wasn't with them.

As if thinking of her could summon her, Hope Mikaelson appeared. She had changed out of her school uniform and onto a pair of blue jeans and a long sweater with a hood. "Hope Mikaelson! Where have you been?" Lizzie shot to her feet and her hands went to her hips. Her voice carried her natural dramatic flair, "We are discussing the annual Halloween party!" Breaking into a grin, Lizzie continued. "And nothing says Halloween like Scary, Grumpy Tri-brid, and her date, Frodo-the-Flying-Rotisserie-Item!" Lizzie glanced over her shoulder at Landon with a smirk.

"Ha-ha!" Landon grumbled. It was shocking he and Lizzie were friends, considering her five million-and counting-horrible nicknames for him.

"Hope did not even react to Lizzie's comments. "Lizzie, I need to talk to you. And Landon."

"Is this Squad business?" MG jumped to his feet, his balled hands on his hips.

"No, Milton. This is obviously, Hope's need for her inner circle. No need to suit up." Lizzie retorted, already moving to join Hope.

Kaleb burst into laughter and Lizzie rolled her eyes while Landon got to his feet and followed the girls out of the room.

"What's going on?" Landon frowned. He was hoping for two seconds without a monster.

Hope looked from Lizzie to Landon. "Lizzie, I am sorry, but Landon and are going to miss your party. And I kind of need you to relocate it-"

"WHAT!" Lizzie's eyes and lips rounded. "NO! No! We do not change the local for my parties. Where would it be, anyway?"

"How about the Town's Square?" Hope smiled, showing a lot of teeth. "Please, Lizzie!" She pressed her palms together. " I want to take Landon back to New Orleans, this year, to meet my family."

"Oh?" One of Lizzie's brows quirked and then a slow smile formed. "Oh..." She began to smile and Landon did not like it. "You need a distraction, to keep my dad busy while you and your McMufflet take off for the Big Easy. Alright, Mikaelson. But you owe me. Both of you." Turning to Landon, Lizzie looked him over. "Good luck with that..." Humming to herself, Lizzie went back down the hall.

Hope let out a happy squeal, turned to Landon, and threw her arms around his neck. "This is going to be great! My family will love you!"

"Yeah. Great!" Landon had forced himself to sound happy, too, when he was terrified.

Read the Entire Tale

Thank you for reading, liking, reblogging and following. 😊🎃

Be safe,

-J

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caps-lockdown · 5 years ago

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Party Crashers (One Shot)

Steve Rogers x Reader where her friends jokingly send him an invite to his fan mail address for her birthday party. And Tony finds it and forces him to attend the birthday party. Reader being 100% oblivious to all of this until he literally walks in the door! 🤣🤣🤣

Here it is as requested by @katurrade my wonderful friend! Ask and you shall receive lovely! Hope you like it!

Party Crashers One Shot

Pairing: Steve Rogers X Fem!Reader

Rating:PG:13 (For jokes, booze, language, the usual) Pretty much all fluff, but there is a slight panic attack (although poorly written I can assure you)

Summary: You reluctantly agree to letting your friends throw you a birthday party, but when they send an invite to your favorite Avenger, how will things pan out?

Words: 5,576

It is AU in the sense that I’m having Tony live through endgame, and obviously Steve didn’t go back in time. Because I can’t move on. I don’t own anything but the reader and her family and friends. And the cat.

(Also the house pictured is NOT MINE. I wish it was, but sadly no. Just used it for imagining the party venue. And the dress isn’t mine either, but I can see myself owning it before the house.)

It’s also in Y/N L/N format. Enjoy!

Party Crashers

Two days before your party

“I’m. Not. Going. Stark. ” Steve Roger’s tone had a sense of finality to it, his body in a tense stance as he crossed his arms over his chest, looking at the patriotic themed party invitation that Tony was holding. A huge grin plastered on the billionaire’s face.

“Yes. You. Are. Rogers.” The man adjusted his glasses as he brought the invitation to his line of sight. Steve had tried to conceal the bright blue and red card when he got it in his fan mail that morning, but of course Stark being the snoop that he naturally was, he found it and brought it to everyone’s attention later in the Tower. “Look it’ll be good to keep in the fan’s good graces. After everything that’s happened recently, we could use the good PR.”

The blonde man sighed deeply, running a hand through his hair. Everything that had happened with Thanos was over and done with, but yet the people were still terrified and on edge. Rightfully so too. He didn’t understand how going to some grown woman’s birthday celebration was going to help, especially when he had never met her. So he thought.

“Did you read the note that was attached? It’s quite cute. Ahem.” Steve rolled his eyes as Tony cleared his throat, developing a shrill feminine voice as he read it aloud to the rest of the room. “Dear Captain America. You don’t know us but our friend Y/N has a birthday coming up and we figured since you both share the same birthday it would be awesome if we invited you! We just got her back and wanted to make up for missing her these last five years. You’re her absolute favorite superhero and she’s totally had a crush on you ever since you saved her life during the Battle of New York. Not that she’ll ever tell you that. Anyways you don’t have to RSVP or anything, and you aren’t required to take pictures. Hell you could show up, say hi, and leave with cake for all we care. Hope to see you!

Stacy and Jim Higgins” The rest of the avengers were laughing at the annoyed blonde’s face when Stark finished.

“They even included a photo!” Bucky and Sam were the first to look at the picture the brunette man was holding, Sam letting out a long winded “Daaaaang” upon seeing the woman’s face. Steve had to admit that Y/N was very attractive, immediately noticing her thousand watt smile as she snuggled what he was assuming to be her pet cat.

“Tony I don’t want to do this..” Steve tried to reason with him, losing all hope when his friend typed the number on the invite into his phone, tossing the taller man the device and making a “go on” motion with his hands as it began to ring.

Rogers was beginning to think of all the ways he could get away with killing the asshole philanthropist when he heard a voice call from the other side of the line. “Hello?”

“Yes...uhm uh is this Stacy?”

“Who’s askin?”

“It’s Steve Rogers. I’m…uh.”

“OH MY GOD NO FUCKING WAY! JIM GUESS WHO’S ON THE HORN? CAPTAIN FUCKING AMERICA!!! No…No I’m not kidding you asshole.” Steve couldn’t help but give a nervous chuckle as the female voice proceeded to call the male voice a bunch of inappropriate names. He heard her take a deep breath and continue. “Sorry bout that Mister America Sir. To what do I owe the pleasure of your phone call?” He shook his head, smiling as the woman made an attempt to sound polite.

“I just wanted to RSVP for Y/N’s birthday party. Fourth of July right?”

“Yea! Five o’clock at the address on the invite! You can show up whenever though, oh man Y/N is going to FREAK OUT! Thank you so so much for doing this! I know you must be really busy. Dealing with everything going on around here.”

“It’s no problem at all…” Tony smacked the man’s arm as he grimaced, biting back a few choice words for his teammate. “I’m looking forward to it.” His comment sounded forced and fake but the woman only giggled, buying his terrible performance.

“Great! I won’t tell her you’re coming, but we can’t wait to see you! Have a good night!”

“Of course, you too.” Steve’s face was void of all emotion as he threw the phone at Tony head on, clearly trying to wipe the satisfied expression off his face.

“There that wasn’t so hard was it Rogers?”

“Go to hell Stark.” The blonde man muttered, the other raising a hand to his chest, feigning hurt feelings.

“Language Cap. You kiss your mother with that mouth? It’s not like I’m going to make you go alone. I want to see this train wreck first hand.” Mentally exhausted from today’s turn of events Steve didn’t even bother with a retort, walking out of the room to head to his bedroom. He was too old for this crap.

Day of Your Party

Lake George, New York

“No, No, I specifically told you Patty NO FIREWORKS! Y/N gets all jumpy and she’s bringing Tigger too…yes, her cat. YOU ARE NOT MESSING THIS UP FOR US PATRICIA! I WILL END YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY TREE WITH A TABLESPOON OF GASOLINE AND A MATCH! Do NOT try me today! Tell your mom I said hello. See you soon!”

Stacy ended the phone call with a huff, her eyes sweeping the large group of people that were attempting to set up last minute decorations for your birthday. Of course they would have it out at their astonishing lake side house in upper New York, away from the city and away from the seas of family reunions at Central Park. Considering the holiday, Stacy was hell bent on making sure no explosions of any kind would be happening today. She wanted everything to be perfect for you, and she wasn’t above murdering your cousin to obtain that goal. She didn’t care if she was only eleven years old.

“You threatening children again honey?” Jim quirked an thick eyebrow at his wife, watching the woman deflate just an inch before she ran off to scream at someone for hanging the wrong colored lantern above one of the large tables. He was fairly certain his wife was going to have a stroke when all of this was over. He could hope anyway. She had been a nightmare planning this whole affair for you, and that was only because you had eventually given in to her demands. It was like negotiating with the government. And he had willing married her.

He laughed as she opted to forcefully take the lantern from his brother Tyler, dragging the chair to another table and hanging it up in its rightful spot. All it took though was one saucy wink in his direction and he could feel his body relax. She was going to be the death of him.

~~A short while later~~

“I hope there isn’t too many people Mel, you know I hate feeling crowded.” You pulled into the long driveway of your best friend’s home. Mel, your sister sat strangely quiet in the passenger seat, lovingly petting a sleeping Tigger in her lap. Before Thanos she was merely a teen, now a high school graduate and looking into medical school. Tigger was barely a year old and just starting to be harness trained, the orange tabby loving the outside and you didn’t have the heart to keep him inside all the time. Now older, he still loved being outside but had gotten pudgy in your years away. You had missed out on so much, but Mel was never this quiet before. In fact, she had pretty much been silent the entire four hour drive to Lake George, only saying a few words here and there as you rambled on. “Why are you being so damn quiet? It’s creeping me out.”

Your sister only smiled at you, her eyes misted over just a bit as she shook her head. “I’ve just missed hearing you talk sis. Five years…” A small sob escaped her when you threw your car into park, reaching over to pull her into a hug.

“Hey now, it was five years for me too alright? We’re together again yeah?” Brushing the tear off her cheek you held back your own when Tigger let out a cranky mewl. That was one thing you would never get tired of. A joyful laugh left your mouth as you began to break away from the embrace, looking into your sister’s brown eyes. “Alright get out of here before you make me ruin my makeup. And just so we’re clear I expect a full blown alien conspiracy lecture tomorrow on the way home.” You jokingly scolded, watching her light up before taking the cat and dashing out of the car. Well at least she had stayed the ball of energy you had remembered.

Stepping out of your vehicle before locking the doors, you couldn’t help but let out a gasp at the house in front of you.

“I see you guys finished the remodel!” You called out when you entered the foyer.

“Y/N! You look amazing!!” Stacy yelled, coming to give you the biggest hug as if you hadn’t been back for months now and she hadn’t just seen you a couple days ago. “Where did you get that banging dress? Did they have one in purple?!”

You lightly shoved your friend, looking down at your outfit for the day.

“HEY EVERYONE, Y/N’S HERE!” A large amount of screams were heard throughout the house and soon you were being flogged by tons of family and friends. Most of them you had seen since you got back, but all of them at once was kind of suffocating. You tried to hide your nerves as you greeted the seemingly endless crowd of smiling, teary faces.

“Happy birthday Y/N!”

“You look great!”

“You got a boyfriend yet?”

“How’s work?” Holding your temple, you started to struggle to breathe, overwhelmed by all of the questions and closeness. A knock at the door seemed to stop everyone in their tracks, and you smiled gratefully as Stacy swooped in to shoo them all away.

“Let our girl breathe a little! Fuck! Buncha vultures.” Your brunette friend whispered the last part, you giggling as she led you away from the prying eyes and invasive questions. It had been nearly a year since you had come back, it wasn’t as if it was just yesterday or anything. Taking a seat on the back porch, you gladly took the mojito Jim handed to you while Stacy went to get the door, opening it widely and immediately looking confused.

“You…you aren’t Captain America.” She managed to get out as Tony Stark took off his sunglasses, reaching to take her hand and giving her a grand smile.

“Well spotted. I’m not. Tony Stark. I however, was under the assumption he was already here. “

“He’s not with you?” Your friend asked as he went to dart his eyes to his phone, a frown on his features as he went to call the avenger in question, holding a finger up to Stacy.

“He didn’t want to carpool and save the environment. He insisted he took his bike. Maybe he took a wrong turn at Albuquerque. Excuse me.” That was a blatant lie, as Tony had told Steve specifically to take his bike and offer Y/N a ride as an attempt to break the ice. Perhaps the good captain was in fact lost. He listened as the phone rang, clucking his tongue in disapproval as it went to voicemail.

“Sorry Stac, looks like you just have me for right now. I’m more than positive he’ll be here soon. I know he wouldn’t miss something like this. He loves birthday cake, as do I. But you know war heroes, always fashionably late. Shall we?” Your friend could only nod slowly, the information sinking in and Stark taking his cue to head into the large home. “Your home is stunning.”

“Thanks. Y/N should be out back.” Stacy waved him on and Tony took his time enjoying the lovely large windows and high ceilings. He also took the time to send a very strongly worded text message to Steve about punctuality, and the fact he should have beaten Stark here considering Rogers had left nearly two hours before he had.

It didn’t take him long to find you, halfway through your glass and staring out onto the massive backyard. People were playing volley ball, four or five men were manning the grill, women laughing in groups as they caught up. Even surrounded by everyone you still felt a little isolated. Not a soul paying attention to you. Noticing you were almost out of alcohol he backtracked into the house, grabbing a couple fresh minty drinks and heading back out.

“Y/N I presume?” Tony’s voice shook you out of your daydreaming, you jumping at recognizing his face. Iron Man Tony-fucking-Stark was standing just to your right, and you placed a hand over your chest in a poor attempt to steady your heart beat.

“Uhmnh…Yea….Yea that’s me.” You choked out, taking the billionaire’s drink offering and setting it down before coming back up to grasp his hand and giving it a firm shake. “I’m Y/N.”

“You sure?” His jab made you blush, you finishing your first drink before moving your steel straw into the next one. The brunette man smiled, sipping on his own drink and nodding at it in approval.

“What…what are you doing here?” Your question was blurted out at a rapid speed, the skin on your neck tingling again as Tony looked down to meet your eyes. You could tell that he had been waiting on you to ask, as it wasn’t everyday random world saving superheroes showed up to a woman’s birthday party.

“We got an invite from Stacy and her husband, but superhero business would have it that only I could make it tonight. I’m sorry if you were expecting someone taller. With blonde hair and devastating blue eyes.” You sputtered into your glass, giving Tony an incredulous look while he laughed at you. What had your friends mentioned in that invitation?

“No um, this is really wonderful. Thank..thank you for coming.” You nearly squeaked, trying to guzzle down the rest of your drink and standing from your chair. Jim signaled it was time to eat, Stacy starting to hand people red, white, and blue plates and napkins while the masses began to form a line for food. “I guess that’s our cue. Everyone will be really excited to meet you. And in case I don’t get the chance, thank you. Ya know, for saving the world.”

“All in a day’s work Y/N. Let’s get some grub, I’m starving.” You laughed as Tony extended his arm, helping you down the stairs into the party space, people offering him thanks and asking for pictures once they caught on to who he was. “No no, I’m just here for the free food and Y/N’s birthday cake. But maybe we’ll take a few photos after yeah?”

The two of you took a seat at the large long picnic table after piling your plates with ribs, potato salad, corn on the cob, and other fourth of July staples. Tony kept everyone laughing, telling stories to you and the twenty four other people that were there to celebrate. You secretly wished that you could be this outgoing, most of the time shying away from social interaction and people altogether. It would certainly help you and your lackluster personal life.

After everyone was on the brink of a food coma, Tony suggested the game of charades to help burn off some of the food to make room for cake. With it being after seven, some of the guests opted to leave for the evening, wishing you well and stealing a couple of photos with Tony before exiting. None of them seemed to notice the motorcycle parked alongside the driveway.

Steve’s eyes watched with amusement as you attempted to use your cat to imitate a machine gun, shouting Scarface quotes and Tony being the first to answer correctly. His breath was taken away by how beautiful you were in person, the picture being five years older after all. He loved the way your eyes crinkled when you laughed, and how your smiles always looked warm and inviting, even when you were clearly not doing the best at charades. Steeling his nerve he climbed off his bike, wiping his suddenly sweaty palms onto his pants and heading up to the front door of the large home. He took in a deep breath and knocked, staring into the rich oak and waiting.

“I’ll get it!” You shouted, hopping off the couch and dodging popcorn Mel was throwing at you along the way. You stuck your tongue out playfully, turning to open the door and finding yourself face to face with freedom in the flesh.

“Happy birthday Y/N.” His stunning blue eyes and even more attractive smile was too much for you and the room began to spin. “I’m Steve.”

You took his hand, suddenly feeling really light headed. His expression changed to one of concern as you took a few fumbling steps back, his strong arm instinctively reaching out to grip your waist and steady you.

“Hey you’re alright. I’ve got you.” His words had your brain going into overdrive, your mind flooding with the memory of the only other time you had heard him say that.

~May 4th, 2012~

“Why the hell should I take orders from you?!”

You heard the cop ask the man in the blue suit, you hiding behind a nearby car as you watched him interact with the officer, chaos erupting throughout the city. The entire office you worked in had evacuated in a panic, but you were one of the last ones to leave, narrowly escaping death a few times over just getting out of the building. Your eyes were glued to the man, never seeing him before in your life. He was extremely handsome from what you could tell, and clearly he wasn’t taking no for an answer. You watched as he proceeded to defeat a few of the strange creatures easily, and you couldn’t help but let out a raspy laugh as the officer quickly changed his tune.

“I need men in those buildings. Lead the people down and away from the streets. We’re gonna set up a perimeter all the way down to 39th street.” He had said the last bit into his radio, walking away and you gladly decided it was time to get your ass out of there. Standing up and headed towards the street you began running towards the nearest subway entrance. Your heart was hammering in your throat and you were sure you would have to throw out your heels and now ripped to hell dress when this was over. Turning a corner you let out a blood curdling scream as a truck came barreling through the air, you being directly in its way.

You shut your eyes and awaited death, but it never came. Instead you were grabbed roughly and tucked in between a set of buildings, a shriek leaving your lungs as you watched the truck go flying by. Your hands shot to cover your face as your panicked sobs came out before you could stop them, realizing you were alive.

“Hey you’re alright, I’ve got you.” Your hands were brought down from your face and you looked up to see the hero in blue staring intently at you, brushing some of your now loosened hair away from your face. You were certain your makeup was smeared along with dirt and dust from all of the debris floating around the city, but he only continued staring into your eyes.

“Boy do you ever.” Was all you could get out, a small smile lighting up the mystery man’s features as he grabbed your hand, looking into the street before nodding to you.

“Good. Now let’s get you to safety Doll.” You swooned and fought to keep up with the man as he started jogging back into the street, careful to help you dodge and duck the ugly looking creatures along the way. Stopping at the subway entrance he gave you a once over, making sure you weren’t bleeding as you fought a heart attack from all the cardio today had put you through. His hands on your shoulders weren’t helping things.

“You get down there and you stay safe alright miss?” You could only nod like an moron again, watching him turn to walk away.

“Hey wait!” He turned around at your newly found voice, you pointing to an alley that wasn’t under attack. “You’ll get to where you’re going faster if you take that way. It’ll lead you back to where you saved me.”

He cracked a smile, appreciating your kindness as he took off. You got all the way down the stairs before realizing you never got to thank him. Or learn his stupid name.

~Now~

“Boy do you ever.” Your words came out in a whisper, his gaze turning to one of calculation as you smiled. There was no way he could have remembered saving you. He has saved thousands, millions of people in the past, and you weren’t that memorable.

“You…you were the woman I saved from the flying truck..weren’t you?” His voice was soft as he whispered back. You nodded with wide eyes, taking note how his arm hadn’t detached itself from your waist yet. Not that you minded.

“You remember me?” You stuttered out, trying to keep your shocked nerves at bay.

“Doll I couldn’t forget you even if I tried. Those directions saved my skin that day. I’m glad to see you survived.”

“Because of you! I didn’t even know trucks could fly.” Your comment made him laugh out loud, his arm leaving your waist only to cover his stomach as he filled the house up with joy. Everyone else laughed nervously, clearly not having heard the conversation between you two and therefore not having the slightest idea what was so funny.

“I see you cut your hair, your picture doesn’t do you justice you know.”His normal voice and remark set your face on fire, you whipping your head to look at your best friend, who only sheepishly shrugged and avoided making eye contact with you. “But I like it. Suits you.” Receiving another compliment from the blonde had you grinning like a goofball.

“Thank you….and uh thanks, for saving my life all of those years ago. I never got the chance to do it back then.” You rambled, before widening your eyes again and taking a breath. “And thanks for helping bring back everyone from the decimation too! I mean I was part of that and I know everyone is really grateful and all.” Finishing your long winded spiel you began studying the designs in the hard cherry wood floor, embarrassed at how the Captain only continued to chuckle at you.

“You’re welcome…and you’re welcome.” He beamed at you, Tony loudly coughing to bring the two of you out of whatever bubble you seemed to be in together.

“This is ADORABLE to watch. Seriously. But uh, I was promised cake and I’m not leaving until I get some.” Stark whined, your friends all agreeing before wandering into the kitchen, you motioning for Steve to follow. Stacy smiled warmly at you as she took the glad cake topper off, your mouth watering at the beautiful cake she had made. It was three layers, all different swirls of red white and blue adorning it along with simple gold stars.

“Oh Stac…it’s perfect. Thank you.”

“Hey that means we can sing happy birthday to both of you!” Jim clapped Steve on the back, shaking his hand as he went to light the one huge candle that sat on top of the cake.

“As long as you don’t sing Jim I think our ears will be okay.” Mel quipped, everyone laughing as they began singing to the two of you. Your eyes welled up with tears, looking at all of the faces of people you honestly weren’t sure you’d ever see again. And two of the people that helped make that happen were here as well. How about that. Once everyone had a piece of cake you all took to sitting outside on the back porch again, watching the summer sun begin to set off in the distance. It reflected off the lake beautifully, the reds and oranges in the sky extending over the water.

“I’ve missed how peaceful it is out here Stacy. You and Jim have an absolute paradise out here.” Your friends nodded, both too busy with cake to really take in the splendor.

“I think this cake is paradise.” Tony muffled out, mouth full of the sugary treat, Steve’s shaking of his head had you and Mel giggling into your forks. “You have to get me the recipe so my wife can make it. Or we can just pay you to make it.”

“Anything for one of the guys who saved the world. I’ll write it down for ya.” Stacy’s smirk made you chuckle, her fingers snaking out to take your clean plate from you. Walking back into the kitchen, the now very happy Stark following her, Mel sighed as she looked at her watch.

“It’s not even ten yet! What are we going to do!?” Her complaint reminded you how much younger she actually was, you perfectly fine with calling it a night. Your ears perked up at the sound of soft jazz music beginning to pour out of the speakers located on the corner of the deck, Jim turning on the assortment of lanterns. The whole back yard was aglow with twinkling lights and you started to subconsciously sway to the beat. Steve’s jaw working as he began to walk over to you, shrugging out of the brown leather jacket he had been wearing and setting on a chair.

“Well I know what Y/N and I are going to do.” Steve stuck his hand out to you, you smiling timidly before reaching yours to grasp his. “Care to dance, Doll?”

“Well I’m not going to say no.” He laughed at that, bringing you over to the side of the deck that was serving as a makeshift dance floor, Jim and Stacy following your lead when she returned from the kitchen. You got a chance to take in his outfit, nice gray slacks and a simple blue button up shirt rolled up at the elbows. It wasn’t much but he didn’t need much when he looked like he had been carved out of marble by Michelangelo himself.

“I have to admit, I don’t have that much practice with dancing.” The blonde admitted, your heart fluttering as a flush crept over his face. You squeezed his hand reassuringly as he dropped his other one to sit on high on your waist.

“Is the great Captain America flustered right now?” You giggled, allowing him to spin you around. “Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me. But for the record…” You gingerly took his hand at your waist, lowering it a little to where it sat just above your hip. “Your hand will be a lot more comfortable here. And you should relax some. I don’t bite.”

He swallowed thickly and nodded, you both swaying to the music in a comfortable silence as it played on, Jim making sure the songs stayed slow so you wouldn’t part ways so quickly. Eventually you began making small talk, asking him about his life and interests, Steve obviously very interested in what you had been up to since Thanos’ defeat. You found him extremely easy to talk to, your jokes making him laugh, his eyes crinkling with joy as the time passed.

“So we might as well start making wedding invitations now.” Mel uttered to Tony when he curiously eyed the Captain, your sister and Stark looking to each other before chuckling. “She’s not going to let him go now that they’ve met officially.”

“That’s funny, because I was thinking the same thing. About him. Maybe he’ll find that life I told him to get.” Mel laughed at the brunette, both of them nodding to the other couple to vacate the dance floor. Stacy couldn’t help the sly smile as you and Steve continued to talk, so enamored in each other you didn’t notice everyone else leaving the back yard to give you some privacy. Ten minutes later the next song came to a close, Steve attempting to lower you into a small dip that made your knees weak in more ways than one.

“Thanks for the dance Y/N.”

“Dances Mister Rogers, and back at you. They were lovely. Now where did everyone…. “ You began to look around, a slight familiar panic setting in as your eyes searched for your friends and the billionaire. You sighed in exasperation as you watched them scatter. Failing miserably at making themselves look busy and like they hadn’t been watching you two. “Go.”

“I’m sure they mean well.” Steve’s eyes sparkled as you rolled your own.

“Sure yea. They’re probably in there planning our first date.”

“Our first date?” You went to cover your face with your hands, a high pitch squeak coming out when you came to terms with the fact you had said that out loud.

“OhmygodI’msososorry” You rushed out, continuing to hide your face as you were certain you were the brightest shade of red in the rainbow.

“Y/N it’s alright…”

“No it’s not. You’re out there saving the world, and I’m sure that coming to this dumb party my exhausting friends probably blackmailed you into was the last thing on your to do list. And then I have to go and ruin a perfectly nice moment by opening my big mouth and asking you out when knowing my luck you’re already dating some stunning Amazonian woman who can cook and makes you stupid happy!” Anger boiled in your veins as the blonde could only stare at you, partially concerned you might combust, and partially endeared that you clearly had a big crush on him.

“For the record, Tony made me come tonight. But you’re the sole reason I’ve stayed.” Steve took your clenched hand, giving it a soft squeeze and the noise that died in the back of your throat couldn’t have been remotely human. “And secondly, I’m single, and extremely flattered. But I’m afraid there’s a small problem.”

“You’re afraid I’m crazy and will probably burn down your house if you ignore me for too long?” He blinked at you, taking a moment to let that sentence sink in before shaking his head.

“No, I don’t know if you’re a cup of coffee or dinner and a movie kind of girl. “ His grin had you seeing fireworks and holy star spangled banner Steve Rogers was asking you out! Quickly jolting out of your over-excitement you managed a coy giggle, you removing your hand from his before placing it on his right cheek. Bringing yourself up to your tiptoes you allowed your lips to lightly kiss his left cheek, feeling the warmth radiate through his skin upon contact.

“Well in your case Steve, I’m both. Dinner tomorrow night when I get back into town?”

His eyes didn’t leave yours, you sliding your hand away only to have him take it again. Your heart raced as he placed a chaste kiss on your knuckle, grinning at you like a love struck puppy.

“I’ll pick you up on the bike at seven o clock. Hope you like Italian.”

“I do.” You nodded, you immediately missing his hand when he let it go.

“Great, then it’s a date.”

“So it is.” You bit back a girlish scream internally as he began to walk away, before turning around and bashfully asking for your phone number. You typed it into his phone, laughing the entire time. Everyone gathered outside for a quick photo with the two Avengers, Steve staying right next to you, a hand on your waist and the two of you looking nothing short of smitten with each other. You gave both of them a quick hug goodbye, Tony’s being longer because he complained about you not dancing with him at all and he deserved better treatment because he was there first.

“Goodnight Y/N. Happy Birthday.” You smiled at the blonde, giggling as Tony had to physically grab the back of Steve’s jacket to pull him out of the doorway.

“Happy birthday Steve. See you tomorrow.” You waved them on, leaning against the frame as the two men became shapes in the dark. It wasn’t long after you heard the rumble of a motorcycle and a car start up, headlights pulling down the road as they drove off.

“I’m sorry they had to go.” Mel patted your shoulder as you shut the door, locking the bolt and turning off the porch light. You smiled at your sister saucily, throwing her a wink after she shut the blinds behind the couch.

“Me too, but god did I love watching him leave.”

Her response was a pillow. To your face.

The End

Tag List: @kaytizzle @giggleberts @cuffski

#steve rogers x reader #the avengers #marvel #fanfic #fluff #captain america #fanfiction

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awakaru · 4 years ago

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So, since the Hell Month is over and I'm in an okay space, lemme tell y'all about it!

[[MORE]]

Mercy had a fever for the first time in forever, so she got paranoid and got tested for the covid. Which led to her having a couple weeks off since she couldn't go back without the results.

During that time, we stayed with Chi for a solid week to protect her from a guy she lives with that felt entitled to her. I was gonna stay longer, but there was a covid scare and I was sent home.

A week of normalcy followed. The day after our next D&D session, shit hit the fan.

First off, Gordo started shit with the guy he rooms with. Full blown screaming and condescension followed, and Mercy felt the need to call and check up on me cuz she was worried I was the one being yelled at. That's totally normal and not a trauma response /s

So Fred left with his shit in the pouring rain. I had just gotten TikTok so I was drowning out my anxiety with funny MHA skits and D&D things.

Mercy apparently went to get food to get things back to 'normal', so we all got some chicken.

I tried to stop a fight between Mercy and Gordo, cuz the latter was listening to conservative bullshit and it was bothering the former. I told him not to be rude after she left, and he followed me into my room to continue the convo that I just tried to end. He was pulling his passive aggressive shit so I sent him off by closing the door in his face. He left.

Apparently Mercy heard me raise my voice and followed Gordo outside. I don't know for sure what happened cuz I was still inside, but it got to the point where Gordo started fucking screaming so I went to investigate. I got there in time so see Mercy black out and beat the shit out of him. So did Gordo's friend Joey, who me and Mercy very recently had a falling out with cuz he's ignorant.

She even tried to choke Gordo out. At that point I was fed up with his shit so I told her to do it cuz he deserved it. But she stopped, and I had to lead her back inside, not without saying she "can't debate with a fascist". Cuz that's what he fucking is.

She got to our bedroom and proceeded to burst into tears and have a panic attack, I think. I tried my very best to calm her down. She said we had to go. Like, GO go, as in not come back. I was okay yeah fair, and reached out to Chi to see if we could stay for a bit. She said no cuz of the covid scare, so I called one of my D&D friends. She said yes, so we started packing.

Around this time I had Mama on the phone cuz she could not come home yet but didn't want to leave us alone in case something happened.

I heard the guy who /just had a fight with Gordo like AN HOUR AGO/ come in to his fucking defense, first berating Merxy and then me. After he finished with me, Joey came in and threw his drink at me! Because I dared to tell my "brother" to go die, in an effort to get to leave me alone. But I knew there was no point explaining myself so I told him to go die too after telling me I was a stupid bitch and that he hated me 🤷🏽‍♀️

So at this point, me and Mercy continued packing, cuz the boys went for a walk or some shit, who cares. We had Mama on the line for a while and then we said bye after we left the house.

So me and Mercy are homeless now. Our D&D friend could only put us up for a single night, so we fell to our last resort: Yami, my "bestie".

But I would not call them that. We havent been all that close since that huge fight we had like, two years ago. But I wanted to help them, cuz they have a young son and I wanted to try to make his life better in whatever small ways I could. That's a post for another time, though.

They agreed to let us stay til we got our shit together, and that we were welcome there. But I sure as hell didn't feel welcome. They were saying basically from Day One that they were gonna make sure we were uncomfortable so we wouldn't get complacent 😑 Nevermind the fact that me and Mercy were dealing with a huge sense of loss and grief!

We didn't even last a full week, guys. Every day was some sort of altercation, and I had had enough with their "my way or the highway" attitude. So the day they woke me up to drag me into their room to prove a point, I knew it was gonna go poorly. And it did!

I won't even mention what brought this on cuz honestly it's not important, like at all. All that matters is that I was Done™ and on the verge of shutdown as they explained why I "didn't need to be right all the time". I tried my best to exit the convo but I guess they needed to have the last word so they kept on going. But I was already done so I just walked away, and then hell broke loose.

It escalated to the point where I straight up told them we weren't friends, and that led to them basically disowning me =3= And they proceeded to call me the "anonymous person living in [their] home".

Sooo, at this point I'm homeless again cuz there ain't no way I'm going back to that toxic environment. I was allowed to hang at my D&D friend's place again, and during that time Chi managed to get a yes from her sister-in-law for me to stay with them. I picked Mercy from work, had her grab my essentials, and we drove all the way to Chi's. So I live with her now.

Now at this point Yami had been removed from my life almost completely, except for one thing: our weekly D&D game. I had invited them to play a few months ago and they've been a permanent player since then, along with their son coming to guest play sometimes. But after this final fallout (we actually had a falling out like a month or two ago at this point too so like yikes) I sure as hell didn't want them there.

Me and Mercy are the only OG players at this table; we've been there from the very fucking beginning. We went through two location changes and general party changes as well. This game helped me keep track of time and helped keep me sane through many shitty situations in the last few /years/. No way were they taking this from me.

So, this Monday, we all gathered at our table. I was super fucking anxious, to the point where I had to take off my glasses and hide behind my hat. They were "being cordial" but that passive aggressive version where they make pointed jabs that sound like small talk. It was infuriating. But I didn't fall for their bait.

Our DM put us in a meeting. I explained the bare details needed to clarify the situation, and we proceeded to try to compromise. Yami would not accept any. "If I can leave emotions at the door, so should they," they said. "They need to act like adults."

Mercy started packing up, and so did I cuz I just wanted something else to focus on. But I never had any intention of leaving. Our DM brought up since compromise apparently wasn't working, then he would have to rule this in favor of seniority. So I stood my ground. And Yami had no choice but to accept the ruling, and was taken home.

Knowing that things were tense, our DM took us to Chili's to relax, with a short detour through Lowe's while we waited for seats. I had not felt so calm in a looong time, or so exhausted; shifting from being a night owl to a morning person and back to a night owl was having a toll on me. But I was so glad that I didn't let them take this group from me.

Now, Mercy is trying to find a place for us so we can actually start saving up for our eventual move out of state, and also not further inconvenience Chi and her family, whose home I currently live in. I wish I had any sort of ability that would make making money online an option for me, but I was always so afraid of sharing creations that I know that's not an option now. So, if we find a place, I'll defs have to find a job, which I'm not looking forward to at all tbh. But I'm safe for now, so I guess that's something.

#annie.txt

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thebeethathums · 6 years ago

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Observers - 29

Pairing: Sherlock Holmes x Reader

Warnings: mentions of abuse, triggering situations, and a panic attack

Lestrade was relieved to see the two of you show up at the scene, handing Sherlock the case files for the other two murders and giving you a small grin. You returned it before diligently following Sherlock as he explained the case files to you while walking toward the house. You got a strange feeling as you took in your surroundings, letting Sherlock go ahead of you as you did what you did best- observed. You came out of it with a little frown, stepping over to the body to stand next to Sherlock, and he looked to you, “What do you see?” You shook your head, “Something’s not right. He fits the profile, same erratic stabbing pattern and similar features to the other two victims, but he didn’t live here… I just have this strange feeling that something is off. I can’t place it.” Sherlock nodded, going back to his own deductions, “The other two victims were killed in their own living spaces. This is his sister’s house.” You only vaguely heard that as you wandered around again, tuning out Sherlock’s deductions to let a wariness settle over you. The victim looked to be in his late thirties, hard worker, married with children, and his face held a certain aura of kindness mixed with determination. Your general observations couldn’t in any way compare to Sherlock's since deducing people didn’t come naturally for you, it was learned from years of watching people around you with the utmost curiosity.

Your ability to see people’s emotions just by looking at them, now that was natural. You always said that it was because you truly looked where others did not, it was what made you a fantastic artist as you captured things as they really were in a way that allowed others to see it. You could tell just by looking at that man that he would do anything for his family… so why was he here? What was going on with his sister that he came over alone while she wasn’t here and got murdered as a result… unless… You stopped in a sitting room a ways off and yelled, “Where’s the sister?” A random forensics person answered, “Talking with D.I. Lestrade, outside.” You turned on your heel and walked out, seeking out your target from the porch. Your eyes locked on a distraught looking young woman attached to a stocky man, both of them talking seriously to Lestrade, and your stomach turned before you called out to Sherlock, “Hey, genius! Come here a mo.” He complained that you were pulling him away from the area where the body was but came anyway and you turned to look up at him, “Rough me up.” He was visibly taken aback by this, already shaking his head, but you flashed him a look and he glanced toward where you’d been looking as you said, “I have a hunch.”

Sherlock considered this for a moment- he had promised never to harm you but you had approved and he could easily make it seem more severe with a little bit of acting. Hesitating for a moment longer before he set his jaw, he gave a single nod and roughly grabbed your wrist to drag you towards Lestrade, loudly announcing, “You useless idiot! Can’t you do anything right?! I asked for one thing, just one bloody thing, and you managed to screw it up!” You convincingly stumbled along behind him, welling up tears in your eyes as you pleaded, “Sherlock, I’m sorry. Please. You’re hurting me.” He chuckled darkly as he threw you forward into a car near Lestrade and the couple, clearly garnering their attention before he slapped you across the face, “That will teach you to pay more attention in the future.” You’d scrunched your eyes shut as soon as you’d hit the car, refusing to see the whole thing happen no matter how fake it was. He'd made it look far worse than it actually felt but you still pressed a hand to your stinging cheek, nodding tearfully, “Of course, Sherlock. I’m sorry.” He crossed his arms, “Go talk to the sister and don’t muck it up this time.” You purposefully hesitated, thinking to yourself that you would have made a fantastic actress as you waited for him to hiss angrily, “Go! Get out of my sight.” You slunk over to where Lestrade was giving you a rather horrified look and addressed the young woman, “Could I speak to you alone for a minute, Miss Thacker? I mean if it isn't too much trouble...” The man on her arm responded for her, “No. She’s already had a rough night. Can’t you just leave her alone?” You opened your mouth but were cut off by Sherlock audibly grumbling, "Useless. Why do I have to do everything myself..." and then addressing the man “We need to ask you some questions as well, this will go a lot quicker if you let my subordinate talk to her.” The man looked between the two of you and you kept your eyes trained on the ground and your stance weak, in no way posing a threat to him, so he agreed, following Sherlock a short bit away. Lestrade placed a hand on your shoulder, worry clouding his eyes, but you gave him a slight smirk and wink before pulling the young woman out of earshot of your respective men. You gave her a warm smile, “I’m (F/n) Watson. What’s your name?” “Lisa. Lisa Thacker.” She answered, sniffling. You pulled her down on to the hood of a police car, wrapping an arm around her shoulder, “I’m so sorry about your brother, Lisa. I have a brother too and I don’t know what I’d do if something like this happened to him.” She just sort of numbly nodded and you continued, straight to the point, “When did he start hitting you?” Her eyes shot up to meet yours, flashing fear in amongst the overwhelming grief, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” You sighed knowingly, “I’ve been where you are.” She looked towards Sherlock and you added, “And not with him. He just did that to get you away from your boyfriend so we could chat.” She scrutinized you and you locked eyes with her, conveying that you spoke the truth as strongly as you possibly could, “Lisa. I need you to tell me what happened. I promise he won’t be able to hurt you anymore. It’s possible to get away, to start again, but you have to make the decision to leave and never look back. Don’t wait until he almost kills you like I did.” She searched your face for any sign of deception and then burst into tears, “He killed my brother… he just…h-he just killed him.” You wrapped your arms around her, letting her sob into your shoulder, “Your nieces are going to need you, Lisa. I know nothing can bring him back but he loved you enough to try and stop this and the only person to blame is the man who took him from you. Not you. Remember that.” You patted her back with one hand and pulled out your phone with the other, texting Sherlock and Lestrade the same thing before returning to comforting Lisa as Sherlock pinned her boyfriend against a car and Lestrade slapped some cuffs on him and shoved him into it as he yelled profanities. Lestrade approached you two cautiously and you hushed her, “Lisa, I need you to tell my friend Greg here exactly what happened ok?” She gave you an unsure look and Lestrade offered her a small friendly smile as you soothed, “It’s alright. I promise he’ll take good care of you.” He nodded, taking her hand, and you quietly whispered to him so she wouldn’t hear, “Make sure she shows you the bruises.” Once she was away from you, your calm façade broke down and you moved to lean against the side of one the further police vehicles, away from prying eyes. Your wrist was already starting to turn purple and your heart raced faster than your thoughts could form as your breathing became short and ragged. This could have so easily been you and John if he had intervened in your abusive relationship, it was so similar you couldn’t bear it. Damn your overactive imagination and the images it just called up. You were desperately trying to reassure yourself that it was all in your head and Sherlock had only been doing as you asked but you couldn’t seem to get a good grasp on reality. You were well on your way into a full blown panic attack when an unaware Lestrade approached you, “Good work, (F/n). How did you know about the boyfriend?” You shook your head, trying to keep from just sort of dissolving into a mess on the ground, “I lived it. Six months ago that could have been me.” Saying it out loud clinched it and you sank to the ground to hold your head in your hands, feeling like you couldn’t breathe and only peripherally aware of Lestrade calling for Sherlock.

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mezzomercury · 6 years ago

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Bohemian Rhapsody in Blue Chapter Four: Thank God It’s Christmas

A/N: I know it’s not close to Christmas at all, but I thought it would be cute to have something centered around it.

Word Count: 3.6k

Warnings: Pregnancy, brief mention of alcohol, near panic attack

**************

December 25, 1985

The Garden Lodge

London. United Kingdom

Christmas Day at the Garden Lodge was always a day of elaborate gifts, celebrations, and all around merriment, but this year’s holiday was particularly special for a number of reasons: The first reason was that it was Freddie and Jim’s first Christmas with their new surrogate mother-turned-friend Nadia, who had been living with them since the beginning of the third trimester of her pregnancy. The second, since Nadia was Jewish, was that this would be her first real Christmas, previously spending the day with her family by going to the cinema since the theaters were almost always empty on this particular day of the year. The third and final reason that made this year’s holiday so special was that it would be Freddie and Jim’s final one before their daughter was born next month, January 23rd, as predicted by their doctor. The couple did everything they could to make Nadia feel welcome in their home, as they insisted she live with them, arguing that she was far too pregnant to be living on her own as she normally had been before. While she didn’t want to cause any inconvenience to them or bother them in any way, she agreed to stay at the Garden Lodge up until the baby arrived, knowing that they were nervous fathers-to-be and they genuinely cared about her well-being.

The winter holiday celebrations at the Mercury-Hutton household commenced two weeks ago. This was a bit earlier than usual, for Freddie and Jim tried to make Nadia feel more at home by celebrating Hanukkah, much to her surprise and appreciation. On the first night, Nadia came home after a full day of teaching private lessons to the sight of Phoebe and Jim trying their best at cooking a chicken tagine along with sfenj (traditional Moroccan Hanukkah doughnuts), and a bronze, antique menorah she had never seen before placed in the center of the table. She chuckled upon noticing it, knowing that it’s traditionally supposed to be placed by a window, but the effort that her four new housemates had gone through was nothing short of impressive. Due to her out of control hormones all thanks to pregnancy, she then broke down crying. Jim, who was within earshot of the scene, immediately ran to her side, concerned that she was upset by it or she didn’t like it.

“Of course I love it. It’s just…...no one has never been this kind to me before,” she choked out in between sobs, “Thank you, all of you. I’m truly blessed that the four of you are in my life.”

The rest of the night was spent with Nadia showing Freddie, Jim, Phoebe, and Joe her family’s Hanukkah traditions, eating an exquisite Moroccan dinner, exchanging gifts, and sitting around by the fireplace having fun conversation. The quintet carried on like this for the next seven nights, truly enjoying a holiday that the majority of them had never celebrated before.

Now it was Christmas, a holiday that Freddie did not skimp out on with any expenses or details. Although it wasn’t a wild party like he typically threw per se, he still planned a celebration as if the Garden Lodge were Buckingham Palace. The family of five had just finished opening gifts by the tree, and were now doing last minute preparations before guests arrived. It wouldn’t be a particularly large affair, just the other members of Queen, their families, Miami, Mary and her new boyfriend, and Freddie’s younger sister Kashmira. Still, Freddie decorated the house from head to toe, wanting it to be an extravagant day, even though it would be more family-oriented.

Nadia was currently sitting on the chaise lounge in the drawing room, as instructed by Freddie, who nearly had a heart attack upon witnessing her try to help Joe in tidying up.

“The baby will slip out of you and onto the floor if you’re not careful, darling!” Freddie playfully scolded her as he practically scooped her up in his arms and brought her to the chaise.

The singer was evidently in full-blown panic mode since Nadia started her ninth and final month of pregnancy. She could tell by his crazed look in his eyes that he hadn’t slept at all the previous night, but he was still as chipper and excited for the festivities as ever. As she sat down and watched the commotion going through the house, she involuntarily rested a hand on her belly, trying to calm the restless baby inside her. Her mind wandered off to what the house would be like a year from now. There would be a little eleven-month-old girl crawling, maybe even walking around then, no doubt receiving grandiose gifts from her fathers for her first Christmas. It was hard to believe that this is what the near future had in store, but that little girl would be here in a few weeks, whether everyone was ready or not.

Upon getting lost in her imagination, Nadia suddenly pondered a big question that never crossed her mind before: What about me? Where will I be a year from now? She hadn’t really thought ahead about what she will do after she gives birth. Of course, she would still perform and teach privately, and even had a couple of auditions lined up not too long after her due date. She even had an audition last month to play in the pit orchestra of the Royal Opera House. The poor woman went to her audition, eight months pregnant and carrying a cello on her back, nearly fainting after having to climb up only two flights of stairs. The audition itself was fine, but she wouldn’t hear from them for a while, and she figured that it was most likely that they wouldn’t offer her a position, or if they did, it would be out of pity due to her condition. That’s not how she wanted to get ahead in her career. The main thing Nadia was thinking about when she had the question What about me? was in regards to the friendships she had made over the past nine months. Although she was their surrogate, Freddie and Jim had grown so near and dear to her, and the feeling was absolutely mutual. In the beginning of this whole adventure, Nadia promised herself that she wouldn’t become emotionally attached, neither to the baby or to the couple that she was carrying it for. That, however, became increasingly difficult to live up to, as Freddie and Jim treated her like total royalty and their friendship seemed to become closer and closer as days went by. She’d like to think that even if circumstances had been different, they still would have a very special bond, baby or not. Alas, she had to remind herself that she was just providing them with a service, and she’d most likely have to pick up her life where she left off once she gave birth, living as though the past nine months never happened.

Nadia’s endless thoughts were interrupted when Phoebe came to the chaise and sat down beside her, offering her a cup of herbal tea, which she graciously accepted. She continued watching Freddie scramble around, frustrating himself further and further over the most minute details.

“Does he act like this every year?” she asked Phoebe as she sipped her tea. The question caused him to chuckle,

“Yes, but this is the most panicked I’ve seen him since I’ve known him,” he paused before looking at her, “I think it’s because it’s technically your first Christmas, and he wants to make sure it’s extra special for you.”

This caused Nadia to sigh, surprisingly enough, as she was still thinking about her future.

“And probably my last.” she muttered under her breath.

She wasn’t quite sure if Phoebe had heard her, as he got up and took back her cup once she was done with it. Tiffany, one of Freddie and Jim’s many cats, pounced up onto the spot where Phoebe previously had been sitting, and crawled over onto Nadia’s lap, subtly guarding the tiny human growing inside her womb. Nadia spent the next couple of minutes scratching behind the cat’s furry ears before cooing,

“You’re already very protective of your little sister, aren’t you girl?”

Tiffany, of course, couldn’t respond verbally, but started purring as if she understood.

Whilst Nadia was lost in thought again, this time stroking Tiffany on her lap in a semi-hypnotic pattern, Freddie pranced up to her, accidentally startling the poor woman.

“Sorry, darling. It’s just me!” Laughing as she yelped, he handed her a delicately wrapped box, “I had this upstairs and somehow I forgot to put it under the tree. It’s another gift from Jim and me.”

Nadia studied the elegant wrapping paper and the fine ribbon before Freddie requested with impatient excitement,

“Go ahead, open it!”

Carefully unwrapping the box and opening it, she gasped as soon as she caught a glimpse of what was inside. She carefully pulled the fabric out of the package to reveal a floor-length, red velvet gown with long sleeves. Her jaw felt completely unhinged from her body and her eyes were permanently wide. It took her a couple seconds before she could find the right words to say.

“Freddie, this is way too beautiful beyond words. I don’t know if I can accept this.”

“Nonsense, darling!” scoffed Freddie, “My daughter’s mum should have the absolute best of everything. I got it from Princess Di’s personal designer. Like I said, you deserve the best.”

He seemed to ramble on, wanting to convince Nadia to accept the gift. As he kept listing the multiple reasons why she deserved it at a rapid fire speed, she suddenly cut him off,

“Thank you so much, Fred. You and Jim have been way too kind to me.”

He smiled as he watched her hug the dress close to her before saying,

“Try it on, lovie. What else were you planning on wearing today?”

She looked up at him in question, not before looking down at her midsection, noticing how much it looked like she was hiding a watermelon under her jumper.

“Will it even fit me?” she asked him, earning a chuckle from him in response,

“Of course it will, darling. I made sure of it.”

She rose up to her feet with Freddie’s assistance and went into her bedroom to try on the dress, feeling nervous about how it would look on her.

As Nadia emerged from her bedroom to reveal her new outfit that fit and suited her perfectly, Freddie and Jim stood at her doorway and cheered as they saw how stunning she looked in it, showering her in endless compliments.

“I told you she’d look breathtaking in it, Jim dear, didn’t I?” Freddie asked his husband.

“Yes, yes, dear, but I already knew she would. She looks beautiful as always.” Jim answered.

Blushing and yet still self-conscious about her ever changing figure, Nadia asked them,

“Are you sure I don’t look like a beached whale?” to which Freddie scoffed and replied,

“Not at all, darling. You are a fierce tigress, and don’t you ever think otherwise.” as he approached her, kissing her cheek and placing a hand on her belly. “The little cub seems to think so, too.” he chortled, referring to their baby who had not stopped tossing and turning in her confined space since earlier this morning.

“I think she’s excited. She’s been sticking her feet in my rib cage all day and won’t stop.” Nadia told the couple, both of them smiling in response.

Before she knew it, they whisked her away back into her bedroom to help with her hair and makeup, something she didn’t even think about doing on account of how exhausted she was, leaving Phoebe and Joe to do the rest of the grunt work around the house.

Almost immediately after Freddie and Jim were finished with pampering their surrogate, the doorbell rang, and upon Phoebe answering it, everyone who was invited seemed to pour into the Garden Lodge in seemingly all at once. The trio in Nadia’s bedroom ran to the entrance and exchanged greetings, hugs, and kisses en masse with all of their guests. Nadia was rather overwhelmed, but was saved by Phoebe, who somehow managed to find her in the sea of people and have her sit back in the living room.

“Don’t worry, they’ll all come to you.” he whispered to her as he helped her sit down, hoping that for Freddie and Jim’s sake she wouldn’t leave that spot too often.

Just like he said, everyone seemed to eventually gravitate towards the expectant mother, bombarding her with questions about how she and the baby were faring, complimenting her on her new dress, and offering any sort of help that she may need to get through the day. Little Joshua Deacon, Deaky and Veronica’s youngest child at two years old, immediately hugged his former nanny as tightly as he could and plopped down onto her lap, having no intention of detaching himself from her anytime soon.

The party seemed to go by in a blur to Nadia, who more or less remained seated on the chaise the entire time, with the exception of getting up to pee, something that happened quite often. Everyone in the house would not let her stand up, especially Freddie and Jim, who insisted that they bring everything to her. It was slightly irritating, but she appreciated that so many people were concerned for her. The only time that Nadia got up other than to pee was when Freddie wanted to take a photograph of her and Dominique, Roger’s long-time partner, together comparing their baby bumps. Dominique was of course pregnant with her and Roger’s second child, but was only about four months along, making Nadia feel gigantic when she stood next to the considerably petite woman. Other than that, she observed Freddie gradually becoming piss-drunk from eggnog, several children running around chasing the cats while a couple others gathered around her to poke and prod at her tummy, asking a lot of questions about their new “cousin;” Kash, Freddie’s sister, and Mary assigned themselves the task of helping Nadia with anything she needed, especially bringing over food and water from the kitchen. At one point, Deaky and Miami herded all the children together into the living room to present Father Christmas, although really Jim in disguise, who gave the little ones an endless amount of gifts. This part of the celebration called for a lot of photo opportunities, including one with an incredibly drunk Roger sitting on Santa Jim’s lap, much to the latter’s discomfort. The festivities seemed to wrap up rather late in the evening, when Freddie gathered everyone around the piano to sing Christmas songs together. Most of the adults were quite tipsy by then, and would occasionally have difficulty remembering some of the words to some of the more easier songs. Nadia wasn’t all too familiar with any of the carols, so she watched in amusement at the chaotic scene in front of her. Jim sat next to her during all of this, letting her rest her head on his shoulder, though he was still dressed up as Father Christmas. Before any of the children got too tired, Brian did the annual tradition of reading ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas to them beside the tree, with Jim helping before he pretended to depart for the North Pole, meaning change back into his regular clothes.

It was now eleven o’clock at night, and the majority of guests had already departed, the only who stayed behind was Kash, as she would stay the night here out of her brother’s concern for her safety. She had already retired to one of the guest rooms, admittedly having had too much wine during the party. Phoebe and Joe had finally finished cleaning up after the party and were on the sofa sharing a bottle of much-deserved port. Nadia and Jim were both sitting side by side on the other sofa. Last but certainly not least there was Freddie, who was now close to crashing from a combination of tiredness and intoxication, splayed out across both of their laps, laughing hysterically at some wiseacre remark made by Joe, though Nadia didn’t remember what it was. Freddie seemed to calm down as she gently scratched the back of his neck, sighing contently as he looked up at her glowing face.

“You have no idea how beautiful you are, darling.” Freddie managed to slur, making the woman blush furiously.

“No really, I mean it. I really hope that Liza looks like you. And perhaps Jim, of course.” he remarked, bringing one hand to her belly.

Jim looked on and leaned over to give his husband a kiss. Witnessing such a tender moment between the two made Nadia tear up instantaneously. Damn these hormones, she thought to herself before the couple before her were concerned by her perceived sadness.

“You two are going to be the most perfect fathers.” she sobbed, trying to wipe away her tears.

Jim then gave her a big bear hug and muttered,

“I’m glad you think so. As you can tell, we’re getting rather nervous.”

Nadia nodded and chuckled, glancing over at Freddie, whose mood drastically changed, seemingly remembering that he would become a father in just a few short weeks.

Without warning, Freddie sprung up and started pacing nervously, as though he was trying to gather his scattered thoughts. Due to the fact that he was still quite drunk, he stumbled around a bit, trying to keep his balance even though his head was spinning. Nadia didn’t really know what had gotten into him; nevertheless she tried to get up to comfort him, but Jim motioned her to stay seated and got up instead, approaching his husband and taking both of his hands in his own. She couldn’t tell exactly what was going on, but saw that Jim was whispering something inaudible to her in Freddie’s ear, which made him relax a bit more and kiss the Irishman in gratitude. Not wanting to interrupt the moment between the two, she leaned back into the sofa, still watching to make sure everything was alright. The room was now almost dead silent, save for whatever Jim was whispering to Freddie. Phoebe and Joe had paused whatever they were conversing about to look on as well, but they knew that this was just Jim helping Freddie prevent an unanticipated anxiety attack. Joe caught Nadia’s eye from across the room and nodded to her in reassurance, silently telling her that everything was fine, as she had never seen Freddie in such a state before.

This went on for about ten minutes or so, and Freddie eventually went back to his normal self, sitting back down in emotional exhaustion. Nadia, who was next to him, gestured him to lie back down with his head in her lap, which he accepted the invitation for, resting his head on the curve of her massive baby bump and lightly stroking it once he got comfortable. Jim sat down next to the two and put a blanket over Freddie, knowing there was a high possibility of him falling asleep there soon. As he took deep breaths through his nose and out of his mouth, Freddie continued rubbing Nadia’s belly as if he were in a trance, knowing that feeling his daughter move around beneath his hand would soothe him a bit.

“I’m sorry if I worried you, darling.” He said to Nadia after a while, “It’s just becoming more real, you know?”

She nodded in acknowledgement.

“I know. I’m doing fine, but I think the little Eliza’s got the hiccups. She was awfully concerned there.” she quipped as she felt sporadic little flutters coming from her womb.

Freddie chuckled and moved in closer to speak to her bump, all while in constant amazement,

“There there, little love. It’s alright, Daddy’s here. I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”

He placed a gentle kiss on her belly, something he had never done before, but it certainly wasn’t unwelcome. Nadia ran her fingers through his hair as he yawned.

“She’s so lucky to have you as her dad,” she added before looking up at Jim next to them, “and you as her Papa.”

“And we’re infinitely lucky to have you, dear.”

Jim reciprocated the compliment and watched as his husband started to drift off.

“Are you sure you don’t want to get up before he falls asleep completely and uses you as a pillow?” he asked, getting up about to wake up his fading husband. “

No, I’ll be fine.” Nadia assured him.

Jim shrugged in response before kissing Nadia’s temple and leaving the room to feed the cats.

“Happy Christmas, dear.” he whispered before sauntering off.

Now it was just Nadia and Freddie alone by the fireplace, as Phoebe and Joe had left go go outside for a smoke a while ago. Freddie was fast asleep already. It was amusing to Nadia how energetic he usually was, but now he slept like a baby in her lap. She took a moment to look over at the elegant Christmas tree a few feet away, and then at the roaring fireplace. Feeling content and without worry, Nadia looked down at her belly and started rubbing it involuntarily.

And to think that little baby would take her first steps in this very room in exactly a year from this day…

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yellowmagicalgirl · 7 years ago

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With The Distance Amplified Chapter Two

Light Years from You

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Fic summary: AU: After the battle with Zarkon, Katie disappeared from the Black Lion. A couple months later, the paladins receive a distress signal from the Black Lion, and find a group of prisoners that she rescued; one of them happened to have flown her to Kerberos. Background Kidge; Shiro and Keith are former foster siblings. Age Swap!AU/Paladin Swap!AU

Chapter Summary: Katie wasn’t able to reunite with her teammates, but she did leave a message.

Guess who finally updated! AU idea belongs to @sabertoothwalrus Chapter title comes from “Telescope” by Starset.

Dark purple lightning arced from the fingers of a Druid that Katie thought someone had shot, and then she felt an all too familiar push on her prosthetic. She was glad that most of her weight had been on it because at least then she could use her right leg to stabilize herself. She heard a crackle of static in her ear. Whatever spell the Druid had used, it wasn't an EMP. It had only affected her prosthetic; not her armor and definitely not her helmet.

"Katie? You there?" Lance said as she shifted her weight onto her left leg as best she could. So the Black Lion had finally found her. She frowned. Escape and home were so close, and yet she was firmly rooted to the ground with Druids fast approaching.

She yanked her helmet off of her head; there was information on it that could help the paladins. Maybe Matt and Hunk could decrypt what she hadn't gotten around to and find her dad. Too bad it also meant that they might hear the recordings that she had wanted to go back and edit so that her emotions wouldn't be on full display.

The tallest of the three aliens who hadn't turned on her and Keith was now specifically holding them back within the pod. Despite not having spoken in more than a year, he still knew her way too well.

"Use this to contact Voltron!" she said, kicking off with her left leg to give her helmet every ounce of starting momentum that she could.

"Kates, don't!" Keith pleaded as she threw the helmet. It was too late, though. She was already falling, the force of the throw too much for her unbalanced body. She hit the ground.

After the helmet crossed through the doors, the airlock of the ship closed. Katie lifted her head to see it fly away.

She was then yanked to her feet by bony hands. She bowed her head with a small smile, white and brown hair forming a shield between the world and her eyes. They would be okay. That was all that really mattered to her when the Druids teleported away.

She focused on that thought when the Druids alerted Haggar to their presence.

They would be okay. Whether or not she would be didn't matter. Keith would be okay, Shiro would have their foster sibling back, and the others would have closure. The rest didn't matter. She couldn't let it matter.

Especially not when Haggar once again called her Champion.

Keith looked up at Shiro slowly, the gold in their eye twisting, shrinking, and dimming until they were no longer heterochromic. In addition, some of the purple fur receded, but this only made them look paler. "Shiro?" they rasped before closing their eyes. Prior to today, it had been so long since they had heard their name. It had been so long since they had actually spoken rather than just make pained noises, and it had been a long time since even that. Their head began to feel hot with the feeling of being close to fainting or a panic attack, probably fainting. They hadn't had that much experience with shifting their body between human and galra, or at least not in their memorable lifespan. Now, especially with their recent blood loss, they were pretty sure the only thing keeping them conscious was a rapidly depleting store of adrenaline.

Shiro attempted to wipe away the beginnings of tears away from his eyes as he nearly ran towards Keith, but paused midway. They were injured, and given his poor ability when it came to medical situations he'd only make things worse.

"Um, hi, my name is Shiro," he introduced himself with a wobbling voice. "I'm the acting leader of Voltron, um, the guy with the mustache is Coran, he'll show you to our healing pods." Hopefully that sounded natural, and not like the kid who was playing at being leader like he still felt like sometimes.

The group began to walk away, though Lance lingered at the back. "Hey, Matt," he said. The oldest of their old lunch quartet hadn't started walking at all. "Are you going to be okay?"

Matt turned to him. "I'll be fine," he said with a softness that hadn't been there a year ago. "I just need some time alone right now. Call me when the mission briefing starts." Lance gave him a thumbs up and a sad smile before walking away.

"Are you kidding me, Katie?" Matt said to no one as he entered the ship, where several bags laid in the corner. "When will you learn that you're not an army?" As he walked into the ship, his foot brushed up against something. Matt looked down to where her helmet lay abandoned. He picked it up and cradled it in the place where it would be if she were hugging him.

"Since I don't know what the date or time is, I'm going to say right now is Day 1, time 00:00; I'll be using military time," Katie's voice said from the helmet.

Matt dropped the helmet, stifling a shriek.

Keith was half Galra. That was what the pod displayed on the diagnostics that were trying to calibrate for species. It wasn't taking as long as it had when Lance had been blown up, but it still was taking longer than Shiro had liked. He didn't really understand why they displayed that; was it possible that the Druids could change someone's species? Was that why Green had only said that Katie was 90% human? Then again, she had also said there were Alteans. Shiro would have to ask Hunk. Technically, Matt was better at bio stuff, but he was also more emotionally volatile at the moment.

Shiro gave one last glance at the timer on Keith's pod before exiting the room. They would be in there longer than the other aliens (all of whom had been able to fit, thankfully) due to prior blood loss, as well as any injuries they had received from both the escape and from fainting on the way to the pods.

"Hey, guys? Can you meet me in the lab?" Matt's voice said from the coms, sounding surprisingly chipper for someone who had been complaining about being somewhat tired prior to coming close to finding his sister, only to lose her again. Even if Shiro wasn't leader and already planning on checking up with the team, that would be good cause to check on Matt.

He arrived at the lab at around the same time as Allura, and had to practically shove his way through to see Katie's helmet hooked up to Matt's computer. On the screen, there was a line as well as a display for the time.

"Katie recorded a message, or rather, a series of messages," Matt said. "Maybe we can figure something out from them.

"I still need to land the ship," Allura said. "Let's end when we reach Olkarion."

After murmurs of agreement, Matt pressed play.

"Since I don't know what the date or time is, I'm going to say right now is Day 1, time 00:00; I'll be using military time since that's easier to keep track of. I set things up so that if anyone holds the face, er, opening of my helmet to paladin armor and either my head isn't in it or I'm in some state where I can't speak, the playback will start."Like I said, I don't know where or when I am, so I'm just going to start from the top. My name is Katie Miranda Holt, and last I checked I'm twenty-two years old. I'm from the planet Earth, and I'm the Paladin of the Black Lion of Voltron." She paused.

"So the last thing I remember is fighting Zarkon." A second pause, this time shorter. "Specifically, a giant robot version of Zarkon." Underneath the panic and awkwardness, she sounded incredulous, as if she still couldn't believe the event had actually happened. "Um, Robeast Zarkon? I unlocked the Black Lion's teleportation ability, and was able to steal the Black Bayard. Reclaim it? Is it really stealing when Black decided I was the better choice of Paladin?" Shiro winced; she sounded so confident in her bond (or at least the most confident since the recording had started) and what had he done? Usurped it in her absence. Black hadn't seemed to mind it, but what about her Paladin?

"Anyway, we were able to make a giant flaming sword when all five of us placed our Bayards in our lions, which im-" she said, before pausing. For a few moments, the only noise in the room was her shaking breath. "Zarkon's robot was stabbed," she said, sounding distant like she usually did after a flashback or while dissociated. "He tried to take me down with him by using the bond between him, me, and Black. I guess it was too much for me, because Black sent me to the astral plane, this time without a physical body as an anchor or anything. I don't know how long I spent there, but it was long enough to change me. Both in the way that Black meant I guess, and in a way that is way too similar to the last time I came back from space. A lot of my hair is white now, not just the streak. What I can see of it, anyways. It's still rather short.This planet has a breathable atmosphere and a nice and sturdy, erm I think that's a hollowed out tree that maybe Matt and the Green Lion will find me in, so I'm going to attempt to sleep. Hope the armor is bug repellent. You'd think that after not having a physical body for so long, you wouldn't be tired."

"Pause!" Lance shouted. Matt stopped the recording, and turned to look at him. "Sorry, but did anyone understand what she was talking about during that last bit? Like, before she started talking about whether or not she could survive. Or maybe the new body thing too?"

"While I wouldn't be surprised if the Black Lion cooked something like that up, I haven't ever heard of it," Coran said. "Things would certainly be easier if Black would just get rid of Zarkon's physical body."

"I'm sure she'll explain it later in the recording," Matt said as he turned back to his computer.

"And hopefully she doesn't cram her explanation with quantum theory," Lance grumbled.

"Day 1, time 09:42. I feel more rested than I did a few hours ago. Time to try and find food and water, since I don't know how long it will take Black to find me. I hope it isn't too long.

"Day 1, time 12:26. It's getting dark; the planet appears to have two lunar masses. I wish I knew the stars here. Even though I didn't know the exact constellations on Kerberos, I knew the stars and planets well enough to be able to find my way…" She trailed off, before speaking in a flatter, more monotone voice. "Find my way to Earth, even without just pointing myself at the Sun, despite it seeming like a perfectly valid option. Thanks, Keith.

"Day 2, time 07:58. Sunrise. I think this planet doesn't operate on a twenty-four hour system. So glad my suit has a clock. Still haven't gotten in contact with Black.

"Day 3, time 14:46. While I'm glad we stocked up on ration bars, half of one a day isn't cutting it as well as I thought it would. I mean, I'll be fine for now, and it's going better than I thought it would. Besides," She paused, and then said darkly, "somehow, I doubt they fed me well in the Arena. I survived it once, I'll survive similar circumstances.

"Day 4, time 02:54. I'm alive, and really want to edit this when I get home. Yesterday was uncalled for." And there was that old attempt at being a wise, totally-not-affected by her PTSD leader. Somehow, Hunk had thought that she had stopped that mindset.

"Day 4, time 21:46. For all that Black said that she wanted to protect me when she asked to modify my body, I really feel like I got punted onto a random jungle planet. Am I being too picky? Probably, but I'm hungry.

"Day 5, time 06:05. I found fruit. Well, since it looks like Earth fruits I'm calling them fruit. One's a giant blue strawberry, which is edible, but really bland. There's also one that looks like a banana but tastes like a pineapple. Well, at least I won't starve. Glad the suit has these bags," she said, referring to the bags Hunk and Shiro had used that one time to gather scaultrite.

"Day 5, time 7:92. Am I dying or is it just indigestion?"Day 5, time 15:37. Not dead yet. I'm going to try one fruit at a time."Day 5, time 17:28. I think I'm allergic to the pine-bananas. Quiznak.

"Day 6, time 12:39. If I ever get back to Earth, I think I'm going to go to therapy.

"Day 7, time 21:24. I think my near-lack of a sleep schedule is adjusting to this planet, which means that when I get back to the Castle things will be… hectic. Well, assuming that I didn't get dishonorably discharged for disappearing in the middle of battle. Already got that from the Garrison, I bet." Lance cringed, remembering the team's last twenty-four hours on Earth.

"Day 8, time 14:52. Is that a skyscraper? Or am I seeing mirages? I seriously doubt it's a flashback, given that as far as I know I spent the entirety of Hell-year either in the Arena, in a cell, or with Haggar and I really doubt any of those were on a planet.

"Day 8, time 15:34. I found a city, and it turns out that the skyscraper is a database for the Galra. I am so glad that there are easily-hacked maps. Maybe I can hack into it?

"Day 9, time 13:06." Katie's voice was shaking and fast. "Or rather, January 26, 2115, if I'm doing my calculations correctly. Quiznak, it's been three months. I really need to edit this; it's not like the team needs to hear all that." Matt gripped the edges of his chair. This had been recorded not even a week ago.

"Hunk, Matt, if you're hearing this then Happy Birthday. But that's… well, I guess it's important." A wince was shared by the two young men in question. "It's just not what I found in the Galra skyscraper. There were prisoner records, and -"

"Pause," Allura said. "I need to land the ship soon."

"Can she finish her sentence?" Shiro asked.

"Twenty ticks maximum." Everyone knew how Katie could get when she rambled.

"- I found Keith."

ed.

“- I found Keith.”

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myaekingheart · 7 years ago

Text

Let's Take a Moment to Talk about Eating Disorders

This is the only thing that's been running in the back of my mind for days, weeks, maybe even months so I think it's time I sat down and really talked about this for a second. First off, I really hate myself. Let's just get that out of the way. If I didn't, I probably wouldn't be putting myself through so much torture. Not that I can even control much of this. The issue is that I know I have an eating disorder, but I just don't know what the fuck it is. I feel like eating disorders are very hit-or-miss in the diagnosis department. There's a handful of really well-researched and apparently common ones and then anything that doesn't fit the bill gets tossed into a junk drawer full of wide spectrum scenarios. I am one of those people in the junk drawer. I don't fit into any of the other boxes. I am an outlier, an unusual suspect. Of all the cases in which I am the strange, uncategorized lowlife, I never thought that the same would apply to eating disorders, as well.

Should I see a doctor or a therapist or something for all of this? Probably. Will I ever? I guess we'll see what happens. The thought of sitting in a room with a stranger going over all of this just comes off as unnerving and intimidating. Granted, not that spewing all of this nonsense out onto the internet is any better. At least here, I'm not guaranteed anyone will listen. I can tell you all I'm carrying the child of a one-eyed alien and you'd all probably go about your business as normal. But in a doctor's office, that's another story. They're staring at you taking notes on everything you're saying and the worst part is that you're shelling out tons of cash for them to do so. Then they'll look over everything they wrote down and overanalyze you, diagnose you with fifteen million different problems, and hand you a prescription and send you on your way. Probably. I've never done this sort of thing before so I wouldn't know, but that's how I assume it happens. Either that or it turns into a commitment where you're obligated to return once a week to chat about your problems and your pseudo progress. What a waste of time. Just like this entire paragraph.

Anyways, back to the important shit: the whole reason I'm even typing out all of this crap at 8am on a Wednesday. I have some unidentified problem and I don't know how to fix it. I've always had problems but I feel like more recently, they've only gotten worse and that scares me. When I was a kid, I had some mild eating issues but I don't ever remember it being anything too drastic. My earliest memory of disordered eating was when I was about three. My parents were having some kind of party and all I remember is sitting on the floor in the basement-turned-playroom among all the other kids while a marathon of Mr. Bean tapes was playing on the TV. I specifically remember the one where he meets the queen, the scene in which he's having trouble with his fly and has his finger sticking out of it to look as if he's whipped his dick out. Lovely to think that Rowan Atkinson gave me just the slightest first glimpse into understanding male genitalia. But anyways, I don't remember what exactly happened at this party to make me do this but somehow I must've spiralled into panic and that manifested itself in a refusal to eat. I went almost a full 24 hours without eating, if I remember correctly, and was fixed only when my mom whipped out a vintage Fisher Price nurse we fondly called Nurse Peggy who convinced me to nibble on some Ritz crackers. I don't have too many other wildly vivid memories of Nurse Peggy but according to my parents, she needed to be whipped out A LOT. I guess I was just one of those kids who didn't like to eat, or was a wildly picky eater. I remember panicking one time because my mom made tuna noodle casserole, one of my favorites, but there was a dark piece of mushroom in it that I swore was the missing leg off one of my little plastic ladybugs and it terrified the fuck out of me. But yeah, so this shit has evidently been going on for quite some time.

Ironically enough, around the same time this eating bullshit started, so did my anxiety. My very first panic attack had to have been when I was about three years old, as well. My mom and I were on ebay looking at a vintage Fisher Price castle when I guess I got so excited that I spiralled into a full-blown anxiety attack. I remember becoming suddenly overwhelmed with a loss of control over my body, shaking and hyperventilating and feeling like I was going to be sick. I have a very distinct memory of my mom tucking me into her bed and calling her own mother in an absolute panic, asking her what the hell she ought to do and being fully ready to drive me to the emergency room if need be. Obviously I calmed down after a while but it was the most terrifying experience of my young life. Little did I know that it was only the first of many panic attacks. Probably about ten or so years ago, I was officially diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. In fifth grade, I was having panic attacks every single night to the point where it became disgustingly routine. My doctor took what I told her into consideration, diagnosed me, and prescribed me some anti-anxiety meds. They didn't last very long. Sure, they made me feel great but all I could think about was what my doctor told me about there being a high risk of addiction. I've never been one for medications for that exact reason (when I was little, during Red Ribbon Week one year we were literally given a coloring page about how you shouldn't take medicine if you don't need it and that doing so can kill you-- I distinctly remember it was two panels of two kids in a bathroom and I'm pretty sure there was a medicine cabinet filled with drugs and it was all very Schoolhouse Rock-esque in style but carried a very dark and brooding message). That coupled with the fact that the medication gave me some pretty hefty bathroom issues, I gave up on it after a couple of days. I know you shouldn't quit any medication without a doctor's consent but quite frankly, I didn't give a fuck. I wanted off and I wanted off now. Looking back, sometimes I wonder if giving up on those pills was the wrong decision, if I would've been better off if I had continued them all these years. Sometimes I wonder if I needed them more than I was willing to admit. Anxiety has affected and influenced every aspect of my life from irrational panic attacks during college orientation to trichotillomania during times of stress or when I'm insomniatic to, you guessed it, eating disorders.

Sometimes I feel like my brain is a playground and all the disorders going on in my head are small children running rampant together at recess, playing tag and hide and go seek. They all work in conjunction with one another like the cogs of a clock, winding together and grinding together. Anxiety is the queen bee, the line leader, and everything else follows suit in response to it. I pull my hair out sometimes because I'm anxious. I don't sleep because I'm anxious. I don't like high ceilings because they make me anxious. I don't eat because I'm anxious. And if anxiety was to have a little sister, it would be called emetophobia. I've been emetophobic for as long as I can remember, even though for the longest time I didn't have a word for the disorder. It was just that terrible, debilitating fear of throwing up. There was one girl back in first and second grade who used to tease me about it. She'd just sit there at lunch and say puke or barf or vomit and I'd instantly lose my appetite and feel woozy. I wonder if she ever regrets doing that to me. I wonder if she even has any idea the affects that had on me as a kid. Obviously nobody thinks vomiting is pleasant, even those with the more well known eating disorders who induce themselves (I doubt they find the actual act pleasant, regardless of how purging themselves makes them feel) but with me, the hatred and discomfort toward it is so extreme that it-- you guessed it-- gives me panic attacks. This has been perhaps the most recent culprit of my eating issues as of late, this emetophobia. And unfortunately, this isn't the first time something like this has happened.

When I was a kid, during the time I was getting panic attacks every night, one of the big things I feared was vomiting. A few days after my birthday that year, I had eaten a slice of leftover cheesecake at 9:34pm while watching reruns of I Love Lucy and later that night, I violently threw up. I still even remember what it looked like ten years later if that gives you any indication of just how bad this vomit phobia is. The cheesecake tasted like coffee and because of this, I couldn't stand the smell of coffee for a year or two afterward, having massive freakouts when my parents would make their nightly cups and forcing them to spray Febreeze throughout the entire house to try and mask the scent. To this day, the smell of coffee still sends a shiver down my spine. One of the main reasons why I don't drink it. Because of this experience, however (and the fact that almost every time I have vomited, it's been at night), I quickly fell into this vicious cycle of situational restriction. I refused to eat after dark out of the absolute fear that nighttime alone would cause my vomiting. This honestly became incredibly debilitating, and was especially a nuisance when daylight savings time ended and it began to get darker earlier. I'd constantly try and get my family to cater to this irrational fear, begging for dinners as early as 4pm just so I could avoid the possibility of thowing it all up after dark. Eventually, this all somehow petered out and I got back onto a more normal eating schedule but for the longest time, this was a massive problem and I'm terrified to say that I think it may be making a comeback.

The past few months have been pivotal for me. I spent a year straight toiling away in college in order to get my associate's degree as quickly as possible, then literally the very next day after my last final exam, I moved 300 miles away into an apartment with my boyfriend. It's been taking a while to adjust and I still find myself having some troubles even now three months later. In a way, a part of me feels like perhaps I wasn't entirely ready to move out in the first place. I can't drive, I've never had a job. I basically fall behind in every single aspect of adulthood except academically. And even though my boyfriend and I had been planning this months ahead of time and spoke of moving in together very early in our relationship, it still feels like everything moved outrageously fast. Living on my own has been wildly different than living with my parents, as well, both for the good and the bad. The good involves a newfound sense of freedom and the excitement of starting a new life-- one in which my boyfriend and I are not long distance, the beginning of spending the rest of our lives together. The bad, however, includes a chaotic aimlessness, a lack of structure, and crippling reponsibility. In the short few months I've been living on my own, I've found myself spiraling into a series of strange habits that are probably good for my finances but bad for my mental health, and the majority of them revolve around eating. First and foremost is the comeback of the nighttime fears. Because my boyfriend works retail, he works a broad range of hours that can fall anywhere from early morning shifts at 6am to closing shifts where he doesn't come home until almost midnight. This makes our routine very unstable because things change every day. Some nights we'll eat dinner at a solid 7pm and other times, food won't even be a thought until almost one in the morning when he gets home and has taken some time to relax. In a perfect world, this would be great. I always wanted to live aimlessly with zero structure, just eat and sleep whenever I please. Now that I'm here, though, the implications are terrifying. I've been getting panic attacks every single night for the past month or two whenever I eat without fail. But they're not the normal types of panic attacks that involve hyperventilating and full-body trembling and sweaty palms. Instead, these are much quieter and more akin to a persistent fear than anything else. It's a rising in my chest, a lump in my throat, the feeling that I can't swallow or that the food is going to come back up like acid reflux. It's the constant feeling that at any second, my chair is going to tilt back or a giant hand is going to peel the ceiling away or the floor will cave in and an immense gravity wil suck me down to the earth's core. This isn't so much a problem with breakfast or lunch or whatever the fuck you can consider my daytime meals these days. It's only at night when things get heavy and I feel like everything is caving in. Because of this, I feel like I can't eat. Even if I wanted to, even if I'm starving, I physically cannot bring myself to overcome these feelings and just eat. Every time I try, my throat tightens up and I'm seized by this overwhelming sensation of something rising up within me and my body jolts in the same way as when someone sneaks up behind you and touches your shoulder or your back or your arm. I spend my nights hiding this as I glance at my food, shift uncomfortably in my seat, rub the back of my neck or tug on my earlobe or squeeze my foot, constantly chanting over and over again in my head to just breathe, that I'm fine, that I'm not going to be sick. For a while, I just attributed all of this to leftover symptoms of a cold I had a few months back. I had insane postnasal drip which, as an emetophobic, I refused to hock up and spit out so it just stayed in my system building up and circulating and choking me. A part of me is still convinced that's part of the problem. But now I know that it's also so much more than that. It's not just leftover phlegm, it's also anxiety and restriction and absolute fear.

The other big contributing issue here has to do with obsession. Obsession with ingredients, obsession with calories, obsession with body image. This is where the more textbook features of eating disorders come into play. I've always had a love-hate relationship with my body image. I've always been very petite, always the shortest kid in my elementary school classes and I could still fit into size 3T skirts when I was in, like, second grade. At first, it wasn't anything other than just being small. I was still a healthy weight for my height and age, I had some baby fat on me. I looked fine. Second grade, however, was when everything hit the fan. I think at the end of the day, it all boils down to my teacher. I remember her as this chubby woman with gray hair and glasses who kind of reminded me of Ursula from The Little Mermaid. She was the first teacher I ever had who never blatantly praised me. All my other teachers were incredibly kind and nurturing women who saw so much potential in me and made me feel like I was capable of anything. I'm not saying that this is entirely the greatest tactic just because I don't think we should teach our children that they are the best ever and that they can do absolutely anything no matter what (just hang on here, I'm not sadistic, I'm making a very valid point), but I'm not saying that being really tough on them is great either. I firmly believe in teaching our children that they can do whatever they set their minds on given that they work hard. That success is directly influenced by effort but that they can accomplish anything so long as they just work for it. It's a very Tiana-esque method (from The Princess and the Frog). My second grade teacher, however, was one of those really tough women. I always felt like nothing I did was ever good enough for her. I remember getting freaked out after she lectured us on the dangers of plaigiarism and watched us sinisterly as we worked on a classwork assignment about it, then graded us harshly and marked points off if even a snippet of a sentence was exactly like the passage. She also made us use those stupid rubber grips on our pencils that forced us to hold them a certain way and she'd yell at us if we took them off. Now, for some kids I understand that this kind of discipline is good for them but I was not like most kids. I started reading when I was two and always colored inside the lines. In third grade, I found out I was mentally gifted and spent the rest of my elementary school career spending one full day a week doing additional classwork in gifted programs. My mind has a very specific way of working that this bitch was not tolerant to. It was exactly like that quote about how you can't test a fish on it's ability to climb a tree and expect it to do well. No matter what I did, if I didn't do things her way, she wasn't satisfied and that was really detrimental to my self esteem. It was this year that I started really changing for the worst. I lost all my baby fat and became incredibly thin. I was still a super picky eater, restricting myself to things like carrots + dip and chicken nuggets. This was also about the time when I started becoming really moody and disagreeable, which has honestly never changed since. I used to come home from school in a really good mood, like my parents would pick me up and I'd be happy and bubbly and ramble on about my day. Instead, now I was snappy and rude and easily frustrated. School wasn't coming to me as easily as it used to. I'd spend hours staring at one homework page struggling to figure things out and breaking out into tears because I just couldn't grasp it. Granted, this was never an issue with vocabulary homework, which I excelled at no matter what, but math homework was the devil. My dad and I would get into heated arguments about it because I just could not understand no matter how hard he tried to help me. I'd get angry with him because he'd try to show me the solution in a manner that was different than the way my teacher taught us in class and I was so hellbent on doing everything to cater to the teacher's methods that I would lose my mind if anyone even so much as considered forcing me to do things a different way. Again, this harkens back to that god-awful second grade teacher. This was a recurring thing throughout all of school, even to this day. I have constantly felt obligated to the best in everything I do, whether that's academically or socially or personally. Despite my academic success, socially I've hardly ever been fluent. There was a time as a young kid when I was very outgoing and unfiltered but after years of being bullied and just pushed around, I gradually crawled into my shell to the point where sometimes I can't even fully be myself around my own parents or boyfriend because I get nervous or second guess my decisions, overthinking reponses until it's too late. To everyone else not within my social circle, I'm just really quiet and perhaps a bit intimidating. The resting bitch face is strong with this one. I struggled to retaliate against the harsh words of classmates or the pressures of friends who craved popularity, attempting to force myself into a box in which I did not fit. I was that lanky nerdy kid with the glasses and crooked, oversized teeth who looked like a walking skeleton with pigtails. Sometimes I look back at picture of myself as a kid and wonder how the fuck I didn't even die, I was so goddamn skinny. My childhood best friend came from an Italian family who was very focused on good food. Looking back, it's no wonder I'd sometimes catch her mother glaring at me at the dinner table because I just never fucking ate. I'd take a few bites and then say I was done, then run back off with my friend to play. I don't know how I even had any energy, honestly. I swear I must have been running on empty.

High school, as I remember it, saw a brief intermission in my eating issues. There were a few instances where things were difficult for a time but they weren't anywhere near as monumental as my childhood eating issues, I don't think. Rather, my focus in high school was more on rejecting college, having fun with my friends, and obsessing over boys. Things didn't really hit the fan again until my first year as a full-time college student. As an adult, this is when I began to take things a little more seriously in regards to eating disorders. This was when my IBS started, which has remained a staple in my digestive issues ever since. Everything I ate made me double over in pain on the bathroom floor so I resolved to just not eat. Can't suffer from digestive cramps if you have nothing to digest. This was obviously directly linked to a lot of personal stresses I was facing in my life, what with all the changes that were getting tossed at me left and right. It was a very monumental time filled with a lot of new experiences and fears. I was trying to adjust to the fact that I was actually an adult now and that I'd never step foot in my high school again (which, even though I hated, I had grown rather attached to), never hang out with my friends again (because the majority of them left me), never pass my crush in the hallway ever again (granted, he graduated a year before me and I'm living with him now so that all worked out). The minute winter break started, I caught a nasty cold during which I was sleeping a lot and barely eating. It wasn't until after this that I realized something was seriously wrong with the way I looked. I had always been thin but this was like advanced thin. This was needing a belt on size zero jeans thin. This was dangerously thin. From that point onward, my obsession with my weight and eating habits has been an uphill battle of more adult proportions. I struggled for months afterward to get back on track, to gain the weight back, to push through the crazy intense IBS pains and start really eating again once and for all. It worked for a time and things went relatively well. I got back on track, I started adjusting to college, I got a boyfriend who cares deeply about me. Things were going well. Now, however, is when I feel like I'm slowly slipping off the wagon again.

Because of timing, I spent from August 2016 to August 2017 in school non-stop so I could get my degree and move in with my boyfriend when the lease on his old apartment expired and his roommate moved in with his own girlfriend. I didn't mind doing this. After all, it meant earning my degree quicker and moving in with my boyfriend sooner. A year straight of school wasn't all that awful anyways. Summer courses weren't really anything to write home about, I got through them and then I was done. It was no big deal. Or at least not until finals week. Things started out alright but I was on a massive time crunch. Everything was chaotic, a massive whirlwind. I felt so much pressure to do well, knowing that if I failed any of my tests it would drop my grades and I'd put myself at risk of having to retake classes and essentially ruining everything. I was really hard on myself about academics and added even more stress by procrastinating on packing. A part of me didn't quite register that all of this was really happening in the first place, not until I started moving all of my things into boxes and seeing my room grow barer and barer every day. The peak of the week came the night of my history final. My teacher was incredibly disorganized and let things overflow into the very last day of class so that not only did we have a final to worry about, but we had to wade through an hour and a half of boring presentations beforehand. I was suffering from a rather nasty headache that day, some jaw pain probably caused by a wisdom tooth coming in, so I took what I thought was plain ibuprofen before class. I gulped down two pills and thought I was good to go. What ensued was basically evidence as to why I always reject medication. As it turns out, the pills I took werent't actually ibuprofen but migraine meds with massive amounts of caffeine in them which, as I have recently discovered, I am intolerant to. This would further explain why the coffee flavored cheesecake as a kid sent me into a panic attack and made me puke, why premade brownies are potentially dangerous (my boyfriend and I bought organic brownies from Lucky's Market a few months back that had non-alkalized cocoa powder in them which, surprise surprise, has 4x the caffeine was cocoa powder processed with alkali. I had one fucking miniature brownie and within minutes I was shaking, hyperventilating, and ran to the bathroom on the verge of throwing up. I also realized just today that this also may have been the reason why I vomited a few years back after having eaten a brownie at a Disney resort), etc. I was struggling through the entire night, shaking uncontrollably with sweaty palms. I was dizzy and constantly felt like I was going to puke. I barely made it through my final exam but forced myself to finish because I knew I didn't have time to reschedule. This incident has drastically affected my own eating habits, however. Ever since, I have been wildly obsessed with what's in my food, shying away from sweets and always checking ingredients labels and refusing to drink any soda but Sprite (which, thank the lord, is both delicious and caffeine free). That moment has made me insanely paranoid, though, and a little too mindful (in the bad way) of everything I put into my body. I am so terrified of ever putting myself through something like that ever again that it leads me to restrict even more than normal. The same goes for the way my IBS affects my eating habits, as well. I'm constantly previewing menus for potential restaurants I might end up going to, thinking long and hard about the food I'm going to order. There are certain places where I don't even deviate on the menu, I stick to the same thing every single time I go there no matter what. I am terrified of trying something new and having an adverse reaction to it. With that in mind, I've just come to terms with the fact that restricting just seems easier. None of this is anything new, though. I've been restricting for as long as I can remember. There is, however, one other contributor that is new and that is finances.

Up until now, I have lived under my parents' roof where they paid for everything and I didn't have to worry one bit. They'd let me pick out whatever I wanted in the grocery store and the kitchen was free reign. I could eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and that was great. I didn't think about restricting as much back then, except for when it came to IBS. Now, however, things are different. My parents support me financially when it comes to bills and rent but other than that, I am basically on my own using whatever financial aid money I have leftover from my past year of school. I can afford things but I know that until I get a job or start school back up in January and get more financial aid, that that money is what is going to carry me through things like grocery trips and dinners out. It's incredible how much more analytical you become when it's your money that starts being spent on necessary things. Because of this, I've found myself and my relationship with food transforming and probably not for the better. My boyfriend and I are very aimless when it comes to grocery shopping. We don't meal plan, we haven't been couponing, we don't write shopping lists, and we don't seem to make a habit of rationing meat out for multiple meals. We basically just go to the grocery store, grab whatever we want, and hope for the best at the checkout counter. Coming from a home where my parents meticulously plan grocery store trips and buy certain things in bulk, this is a cold shock to me and it's difficult to figure out how to navigate. What I lack in physical lists, I try to make up for in overthinking during the trip itself which then only makes me come off as slow and confused. My boyfriend even described it like I was acting drunk once but it's all because my brain is trying to process so much all at once, like walking into a test after having not studied and never even attended a class. There's a lot going through my head and not a lot of time for me to process it. I don't like doing things this way but I don't know if I even have the motivation to work towards being a more organized shopper. But anyways, because of this our grocery costs tend to rack up pretty quickly which makes me feel guilty and almost uncomfortable since I know we only end up getting a limited number of meals out of that haul. This is where the restricting comes in. Grocery money is always in the back of my mind which essentially translates into this desire to make everything last as long as possible. I greatly ration my food and restrict myself out of the fear of running out and having nothing to eat. I live for leftovers and I make sure I eat just enough at restaurants or during homecooked meals for there to be something to put in the fridge at the end of the night. This doesn't always mean I eat until I'm full, though. Most often times, I'm not that full. Not that I could eat any more even if I wanted to (see a few paragraphs above). This would work great if not for the fact that I'm also obsessed with expiration dates. If something has passed it's expiration date or we have leftovers that have been in the fridge for a while, even if they are actually still good and safe to eat, I will not eat them. I threw out an entire pack of baby carrots the other day because they were one day past the expiration date and they looked dried out and therefore I considered them unsafe to eat. I have never had full-on food poisoning in my life before and I don't ever plan to because it seems my goal in life is to be as delicate and restrictive as possible so as to prevent myself from ever throwing up. If I do, I have failed and will overthink it for the next couple weeks. I get so paranoid every time I get sick that it's going to happen again that I just starve myself because I assume you can't throw up if there's nothing in your stomach (newsflash: you can and I learned that the hard way-- I went almost twenty four hours with barely eating something once and I ended up violently vomiting right before I had plans to go out with my best friend and ever since, I have also been terrified of not eating enough and doing the same exact thing to myself again. So basically, if I eat too much, I'm scared I'll throw up. If I don't eat enough, I'm scared I'll throw up. If I eat anything at all, I'm scared I'm going to throw up. It's real fun). The worst experience of this starvation-after-vomiting thing was in sixth grade. It was the day of a huge standardized test and I was not feeling good at all but I knew I couldn't afford to miss this and my mom refused to let me stay home so I sucked it up, did my best, and went to school. The doors hadn't even opened yet and I was already losing it. Literally a full minute before the teachers opened their doors, I started puking down the entire sixth grade hallway in front of EVERYONE. My friend immediately jumped into action and dragged me to the nurses office as I left a trail of vomit behind me. It was the most traumatizing experience of my life and I will never forget it. After this, I refused to eat for days. I went home, my mom gave me a bath, and I slept on the couch for hours until lunchtime when my mom brought me home a Subway sandwich that I could barely eat without feeling like I was going to be sick again. The day passed in a haze and the next morning, I guess I was looked upon with varying shades of disgust and humor. In a way, I think I kind of unwillingly became some sort of legend at that school because everyone remembers me as the girl who puked down the hallway. The next day was like the big celebration for finishing all of those rigorous standardized tests and as such, my teacher bought donuts for everyone. I love donuts so the normal part of my brain was rejoicing but the traumatized side was in a fetal position in the corner having a panic attack. I did end up grabbing a donut but whether I ate it or not was another story. Sometimes I wonder if deep down everyone in my class knew I had some sort of eating disorder because eating that donut the day after I got sick was like trying to teach a fish how to fly and everyone knew it. Everyone saw I was struggling, everyone knew I had a problem. I don't remember if this was an everyone thing or not but I do distinctly remember the boy sitting next to me was watching me eat and egging me on like I was running a marathon. It almost felt like I was the age I am now and attending a kegger where some frat guy is shouting "CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!" Just like that, it was simultaneously motivating and condescending. I swear, everyone was watching me as I struggled to just eat that goddamn fucking donut. I never did finish it. I think I ate about half before tossing it in the trash and making peace with failure. It all still haunts me to this day, though. Especially because I put myself through the same torture day in and day out with my eating nowadays. I stare at the food on my plate and I can hear the voices in my head screaming at me to down the damn thing, meanwhile inside my digestive tract is a bunch of blaring sirens and flashing lights for absolutely no goddamn reason.

Will any of this ever get better? Who fucking knows. By now, I've come to terms with the fact that this is an endless cycle and that it's something I will have to struggle through and face time and time again for the rest of my life. Do I enjoy that fact? Absolutely fucking not. But is it realistic? Yeah, I think so. I don't know if there's ever such a thing as true eating disorder recovery, or if I'll ever even find out what the fuck kind of disorder this even is. It's hard to try and treat something that's so complex and that also doesn't seem to fit into any of the commonplace categories. Sometimes I wish I had anorexia or bulimia instead solely so I could at least pin a name to this torture. Otherwise, I don't know how to cure what doesn't even have a name. Sometimes I wonder if this even actually is some sort of eating disorder or if it's just the conglomeration of multiple different issues combining into one giant super disorder that's wreaking havoc across my entire wellbeing. I have no goddamn idea but fuck, do I wish I knew. If only I fucking knew.

#this is just a bunch of personal bullshit #it's redundant and stupid but i just needed to get it all out #so you can happily avoid this if you'd like #eating disorders #ramblings

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givencontext · 5 years ago

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2019 Annual Review, Decade Review, Turning Point

It’s the end of another year and the end of a decade. Last year I wrote my first Annual Review on the blog, and I am sticking to the same format this year with a little expansion for looking back at the decade as it draws to a close. As they say, this year has been a real humdinger. Right this moment I find myself in a sort of “grey space,” and in-between state. I’ve mentioned it before, and for now, it persists. This exercise will help me see that there is balance between the highs and the lows – and that the road ahead is paved and made smooth by everything I learned through the rough spots.

What went well this year?

Reading and Writing

Last year I pledged to read less and write more and kicked off my blog. I decided to stick with my reading goal of one book per year of my age, and I met this goal with ease but without blowing it totally out of the water. My goal was 43 books, and I read 49. I was thinking I should make a goal next year to get to gender parity in my reading and make sure half the books I read are by women authors, this prompted me to check my stats for this year and… 25 of my 49 books were written by women! That makes me feel like I am walking my talk. And I didn’t even know it. Also, I am very grateful that my tap dancing class changed nights, which has allowed me to show my face at Sci Fi Book Club again. A few of my suggestions were picked for next year’s reading list, which always feels like an accomplishment. I read a ton of non-fiction and self help this year. I thrive when I feel like I am learning and growing. I did a lot of that this year. It feels good.

This blog entry will be my 22nd post since I published last year’s review. This is only a couple more than last year, but I have kept it up, so I am giving myself credit and calling it a success. I also was officially accepted as an Amazon Affiliate and made some money from my blog. I didn’t make as much as I spent on it, but that’s okay. (Okay, I made like $1.10.) Everyone has to start somewhere.

Adventure

As I entered 2019, I was being called to the word Adventure. I knew we would be taking an Epic Cross-Country Road Trip, so it seemed appropriate to spread that sense of excitement to other areas of my life. Facebook memories reminded me that I’ve been sharing this same image with a quote from The Hobbit for the past several years on New Year’s Eve. I guess seeing the new year as an adventure is kind of a thing for me. 2019 lived up to it. I took my kids on a few trips, we even stayed in a yurt. We did some hiking. We saw the Grand Canyon and Meow Wolf. And my #1 kid drove all the way to California and back! I love road trips, but they are even more fun when I don’t have to do all the driving.

Self Care

I was hesitant to include this. I feel like there is a lot of pressure, especially on women, to make everything look effortless. To always have it together. And as much as I do feel like I have my act together most of the time, there are also the times when I just DON’T. In my life, I have already lived through stuff that no one should have to go through. I started this year on top of the world, doing BLE‘s Reboot Rezoom program. I had my longest streak of Bright Line Days and got to a new lowest weight. I was getting my nails done regularly, because after 3 years of not biting them, I still don’t know how to deal with them. Yes, I always got *SPARKLES.* I performed on stage for dance recital with my #1 kid, who (have I mentioned?) is a freaking tap dancing WIZARD. I went to several events to give Free Mom Hugs, which might seem like an act of service for others, but it’s really an act of care for myself. Then, on my #2 kid’s birthday of all days, I found out something that not only devastated my current life but also triggered my brain to relive trauma that was almost 20 years old. My heart swells with gratitude for my cousin and BFF who told me to take time off. I had to stop everything and take care of me. If I hadn’t done it then, I don’t know where I would be now. I have tons and tons of support from family and friends, but it’s still up to me to put myself first. This means something different every day right now, but I’m doing it.

What went well this decade?

Wow. Where has the decade gone? Ten years ago I was a single mother who had just lost a lot of weight and was running 5K’s and, let’s be honest, was still getting a lot of financial help from my parents despite having a “good job” and owning my own home, etc. It was Christmas of 2009 that I decided that the kids had enough (too many) toys and we should start having experiences around the holidays. We went to see Wicked in Kansas City… then of course, we went shopping! The next year we saw a hockey game in Dallas. Last year we saw a hockey game again but in Minnesota. Both of my kids have Quality Time as their primary love language, and I have to say, I feel like I have done a good job with this. It was early 2010 that we took our first trip to Savannah, GA. I think it’s still our favorite destination. We traveled a lot and took lots of road trips and especially toured lots of colleges. And during this decade I got both of my kids through high school and one through college. Oh, let’s not forget that I completed college myself. I also changed jobs. Some people do that all the time, but it was a pretty big deal for me. I guess at the end of the decade, I feel like I have grown up a lot. Oh, and I went to a LOT of cool concerts. Too many to name, but trust me, it was awesome.

What didn’t go well this year?

Time for the elephant in the room… The main thing that didn’t go well this year was my marriage. Unfortunately, I had no idea how “not well” it was going. Yes, we had the same ol’ perpetual problems, but I really never suspected to discover that depth and protraction of betrayal. My sister gave me some advice once: “Never tell a man how badly other men have treated you, because they will try to top it.” I didn’t heed that advice in my second marriage, but I had done it in my third, so my soon-to-be-third-ex-husband did not even know how much PTSD he would be heaping on top of his own hideous actions. Honestly, I had no idea that anything could ever trigger me that way. I know “triggered” has become a buzzword, but this wasn’t just feeling uncomfortable or unhappy. Just thinking about it to try and type this has my fingers shaking uncontrollably. That is the worst part for me, when my body has these visceral reactions that are beyond my control. It sort of feels like an out of body experience. It led me to take extra precautions to feel safe in my own home, not because X3 ever made a threat, but because I am never taking a chance with my family’s safety or my own. So, the marriage is over, but the divorce will not be final by the end of the year. Oh, also, have I mentioned that I have court-related trauma and anything dealing with lawyers and judges and court is… yeah… triggering. I was already struggling just hearing about some stuff coworkers were going through, and then this. I’m still struggling a lot. It’s hard to admit that. Just knowing that a court date of any kind looms in my future… even if it’s for my own good, it just takes me back to those feelings of someone trying to take my kid and accusing me of being a bad parent. Yeah, time to wrap this part up before my shaking hands turn into a full blown panic attack. Let’s just say, I’ve had better years.

What didn’t go well this decade?

Maybe it’s ironic that the relationship that is ending at the end of the decade started soon after the decade began. You might think that would lead me to say the whole decade was a waste, but that’s not how I feel. That was the longest relationship of my life and that marriage was longer than my first two put together. It’s hard to put my finger on anything that didn’t go well, because if I could live this decade over again, I think I would do things the same. I would like to point to a few things and say “change that” but I imagine the repercussions and I think this is how the decade is supposed to end. I think this was all to point me in the direction that I’m to go next. I guess I just wish I had gone to more concerts.

What did I learn?

Last year I said the key lessons were about support and authenticity. Those have continued to serve me well this year. I think a big lesson for 2019 was that I have “permission to be human.” In any given moment, I am doing my best. Some days my best is better than other days. That’s natural, and that’s okay. Some days my best is staying in bed, and that’s still okay. I also learned that having tons of support doesn’t mean that stuff doesn’t suck, and that even when you are surrounded by wonderful people, sometimes you just need to be alone and feel your feelings – and maybe burn some stuff – then burn some stuff with your friends – then spend some more time alone, you know, burning stuff. I guess the biggest lesson of the year was to always find out the REAL reason someone lost their job and never help them pay of their credit cards. Some things have to be learned the hard way.

Looking back at the decade, I would say it was a good choice to focus on experiences, and I’ve had a lot of good ones. Also, happiness is a state of mind, not a set of circumstances. That sums it up.

Conclusion

When major parts of your life are in upheaval, you have to go into survival mode and just try to get to the other side. It would be really easy to focus on the negative stuff and say 2019 was a terrible year. It hasn’t been the best year, but I trust that it is leading me to better things. Somehow all of these experiences, good and bad, are for my higher good in the long run. I know that to be true now, because it has always been true in the past. I don’t know where the next year of the next decade will find me. I know I will grow and learn and change. What more could I ask for?

Leave a comment to let me know how you wrapped up the year or the decade. What did you learn?

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crqstalite · 5 years ago

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pt. 3, lover boy (kira && kiveqil)

gah,, writing this was kinda hard because it serves as exposition for the deluxes and for kiveqil n kira’s relationship, which is harder to write because among the others (andronikos, aric, corso, vector n mako) kira is my absolute favorite to romance, so i’m trying my best not to butcher her.

also i ended up writing hakio n aric into this chapter. i was just getting through chapter one of the trooper storyline, so that’s why it’s off. oh, n thek.

small tw : mentions of anxiety attacks, and anxiety causing situations, as well as mentioned cutting. i should tw the whole series but these are the most important. please be careful.

written : 6.12.19. published to tumblr : 7.6.19. word count : 2,570.

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character song : sorry, halsey

character file : kiveqil delux, hero of tython

Kiveqil can’t say he’s ever really been afraid of anything. Not that he can remember. Very closely at least.

Fire.

He’s always been the good one, the strongest in the force in his class.

Flames.

The first to graduate as a youngling.

Burning.

Considered a prodigy by his master.

Smoke.

That he can do anything once he sets his mind to it.

Screams.

That he’s a hero.

Crying.

That he can save the galaxy.

Shock.

That he’s a symbol of peace.

Loss.

He’s the reason so many are alive today.

Fear.

He’s twelve again, just barely learning of his force-sensitive abilities. One moment, he’s with his older sister and younger sister, fuzzy memories of both, one a Zabrak, the other a dark-skinned girl. They’re all smiling, even though one of them is not eating and the food is dismal at best. He’s listening through a door, while his sister sleeps fitfully. Someone is yelling, then they’re both yelling. Slipping into the room, his presence masked as a trick he picked up from his late mother as a child. His sister is crying, as she slams her hand down on the kitchen table. His father is talking animatedly, clearly extremely angry. Both Zabraks are at their breaking points, he can feel it. Somewhere in-between fear and shock, he can feel something tickling him, as if he could just ask them one question, and persuade him to stop yelling at his sister.

He doesn’t.

He cowers in fear in his bedroom.

His sister is nearly dragging on his coattails as he pulls something that looks like a lighter out of his long coat pocket. Her eyes widen, begging him not to do ‘it.’ He doesn’t know what it is, but his heart is racing as the man flicks his sister away from him before he takes the cap off of the thing, a red flame licking the metal around it.

Before he can even blink, the apartment is up in flames, the alarms are screaming. The red and yellow stain his vision as his father rushes to him as his sister rushes into the other room, as he hears her hurried basic and his sister’s screams.

He’s being dragged along, as he yells his sister’s name. It’s fuzzy, he can’t remember what it it was, as the flames roar over their faces, as he screams again, hoping to see his daring, fearless older sister burst through the flames with his younger sister.

But instead, the door slams shut, and his father shatters the keypad, dragging him along by his wrist. “She’s not worth it to you, I will have you become a true jedi, Kiveqil.”

Then, years and years later. Just a few months ago that the scars are still new. Flames are leaping everywhere as he keeps Kira behind him, the Bounty Hunter who’d caused this already gone. He’s nearly paralyzed, terrified of the memories of fire that still haunt him to this day. He’s trying to stay strong, for Kira, but it seems she’s in just as much shock as he is.

But, he’s not powerless.

He’s trained to deal with these things.

He wishes he was when he was a child.

The fearful eyes of his sister haunt him, her electric blue eyes sending a shock through his system as he remembers her.

Her fearless attitude.

How she raised him and his sister from nothing. With no money, without a degree in anything, just promised protection from the rival gangs with only a blaster and a hell of a shot. Abandoned by their mother on Nar Shaddaa while she was only fourteen, Kiveqil just barely eight. He figured his sister was a better mother than his real one would ever be.

She always understood as he fiddled with his strange force powers, even if she didn’t understand. Gave him space when he needed it, tough love when he needed it, kisses and hugs when he needed it.

Taught him how to shoot his first blaster, point blank and rather off target, but enough to protect himself.

Then the little girl entered their lives, yellow eyes and all. Small, angry, malnourished, depressed. Kiveqil had just turned ten, and she finally admitted to his older sister that she was only nine at the time. His older sister had started to give up what little rations she could purchase for the little girl to eat. Weak and fragile, Kiveqil could see the cracks, in her, jumpy, fearful nature. Retreating inside her own mind, the little girl was falling apart from the outside in.

Kiveqil and his older sister made it their job to put her back together. Finding stupid little children’s toys for her to play with, though she’d reject them. Make stupid jokes to get her to even crack a small grin in a row of yellow, missing teeth. Make pigtails out of her blonde, thinning hair.

It took two years to get her to a level where she would speak regularly. Two years to hear her sarcastic thoughts and cynic beliefs. Two years before Kiveqil even heard her utter a giggle.

It took two years for it to fall apart like that. His older sister rarely if ever made enough credits to feed the two children under her care, and Kiveqil often gave his meager portions to the girl without his older sister k nowing.

Her terrified face. When he left the apartment, he sobbed all the way to Carrick Station, his father slapping him so hard he fell, reeling from the pain. “Stop your cryin’ about somethin’ you can’t control. Get the fuck up and be a man.”

They were dead.

“Kiveqil! Don’t leave me!”

And it was all his fault.

He bolted up, sticky with sweat. He’s hot, too hot. At some time during his nightmare-plagued sleep, he’d thrown off his shirt, but sweat dripped down his face and chest as if he were below the twin suns of Tatooine. In the darkness, he can barely fumble to make sense of his surroundings.

He’s in his quarters.

It’s quiet.

Too quiet.

Breathing hard, he drags a slow hand down his face, almost second nature. They run across the burns on the right side of his face, old and they have faded, but not enough to be forgotten. He’s getting scared again, feeling the burns dotting his skin, rough below his fingers as an everlasting scar. Kira once asked where they were from while they were alone in the cockpit, but he could never be strong enough to tell her the real reason.

He had promised to tell her one day.

He’s haunted by these memories. The fire episode with the hunter wasn’t too long ago, but it was enough for him to continually panic around fire. Even the fireplace Kira had invited him to back on Hoth had sparked enough of a panic attack he had to sit outside long enough to calm down.

The bounty hunter had nearly scared him into a full-blown panic attack. He hadn’t realized that his anxiety had gotten so bad after finishing the Emperor on Dromound Kaas, before he’d come in contact with another trigger and Doc had to help pull him out of a trance before he hurt himself.

He never would forget waking up restrained and foggy headed, feeling so out of control. Kira had worriedly been pacing the room the whole time before he regained control and woken, but it was later explained he was muttering all sorts of things, his worst fears, clipped memories of the fire, of his sisters. What had scared Kira so much to go and find Doc was that he had a vibroknife in hand and was making motions to stab himself, or slit his wrists, muttering “they should’ve lived” over and over again.

“I’m not a psychiatrist, Kiv, but I think what you’re suffering from is called 'survivor’s guilt’, and most likely, panic attacks. All of us get it, seeing others die when we were close enough to death’s grasp to suffer the same fate, y'know?” Doc had said once he came to. “It can cause depression, suicidal tendencies, the whole nine yards. For your safety, and added, mine and the crew’s, I think we’ll keep the matches and knives away from you for now.”

“What kind of Jedi am I if I can’t even protect those closest to me?” He muttered under his breath as he moved to leave the room. Doc stopped him, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, shit happens Kiv. Not speaking for everyone else, but we can protect ourselves pretty alright. You’re more of an extra layer of security.” Doc was trying to make light of the situation, but lighthearted comedy was never really his thing. “Really Kiv, don’t worry about it too much. You’re gonna be alright.”

He was grateful for his crew, even if Lord Scourge didn’t understand his lighter motives, Rusk was always concerned about combat effectiveness and Doc was more concerned with the fame than doing good. T7-01 and Kira hadn’t given him too much grief, but if T7 continued playing pranks on him now that they no longer had as much of a responsibility to the Republic, and Kira continued playing forbidden tease, then he might just bury himself in the sands of Tatooine and wait to die.

Which honestly, didn’t sound all that bad.

A loud rap came on his door, making him jump nearly five feet into the air, purely in fear. Shivering, he pulled on his shirt, though it clung to him and his sweaty body. It couldn’t be that late in the morning, Kiveqil often found himself to rarely if ever sleep at a normal time, and didn’t usually get much more sleep than a couple of hours at a time. A quick glance to the clock met him with it being what Doc called an 'ungodly time of night’ as he sighed, his hand ghosting over his lightsaber before figuring he would know if an intruder had gotten on the ship.

Then again…

Hand shaking, his hand flitted over the pad on the wall, the door opening with a hiss into the powered down ship.

He was right in his original sense of someone familiar. Kira stood outside his door, bleary eyed in her nightclothes. Sometimes she’d do this, visit him at odd times of night, but she’d stopped doing that a while ago due to the her worrying offhandedly that if she scared him within the 'recovery’ period after everything, she’d get hurt unintentionally. He’d promised he wouldn’t, but she’d kept their interactions to the mornings and afternoon hours to his dismay.

“Kiv, are you alright?” She whispered, looking around for a moment as if to confirm no one else was awake.

“Of course, Kira. Why wouldn’t I be?” He half-heartedly asked. She gave him a critical stare before answering.

“You had another panic attack didn’t you?”

“What?”

“Considering there are a multitude of other things you could’ve been doing to get that sweaty, and the fact I know you, I can safely assume it was either that or a nightmare.” She whispers, running a hand through her red hair. It isn’t as severely cut as it once was, hanging around her neck in a ruby halo. It’s as pretty in the dark as it is in the daytime. Her face softens, standing in the doorframe. “Kiv, I really do worry about you.”

“I know, Kira.” He says, willing the phantom burning not to return. “I know you do.”

“Then this is the part where you admit it’s a good thing I do.” She says, only halfway joking as a small smile crosses her lips, stepping inside the room as the door closed behind her. “That you’re gonna be alright.”

“I admit that it’s a good thing you care about me, Kira.” Kiveqil smiles himself, the nightmare falling away as Kira comes closer. They fall into each other, Kira stepping onto her toes to press her lips to his. She’s salty, but a twang of sweet behind it. There’s a new fire burning, but rather than one that scars him to this day, it’s the girl he has in his arms, and the love that burns bright between them. “And that I will be alright.”

He didn’t get many opportunities to be with her, alone like this at least. Often the others on the crew wandering the seemingly too small ship. Scourge had once pointed out it wasn’t in the Jedi code to make attachments when he’d caught Kiveqil typing out a letter to who he’d foolishly addressed it to 'my one and only’ before lying to the Sith lord it was for his mother. He couldn’t actually remember ever admitting to anyone that his mom had been assumed dead for a long time, but Scourge never asked him about it again, so either he was still digging around in Kiveqil’s history or had forgotten about it.

Kiveqil figured if Scourge knew this, that he wouldn’t exactly put it past Doc or Rusk to know either. T7 had nearly caught them together on multiple occasions, and though he trusted the astromech, T7 had his own responsibilities to the Council. Whether he’d rat them out, Kira and Kiveqil didn’t want to give him the opportunity to even try it.

“I missed you today.” She says, looking up to him as they pull apart. “Or yesterday, depending on how you see the time.”

“I know. I missed you too.” He turns the lights in his quarter on, dimming them down so that he can still make out her face in the darkness, but dark enough so that he doesn’t burn out his retinas. “Relief efforts getting any better?”

“They always are.” She says, tentatively wandering her way to Kiveqil’s bed. Sitting down, she sighs before slumping back, then making herself comfortable on the pillows he’d been laying on only moments before. “That commander I was telling you about the other day? I’m halfway to considering she’s a Wampa out to get me or something.”

Kiveqil slides in next to her so that he’s facing her. There’s something magical about watching as she animatedly explains her day from start to finish, her blue eyes always coming to rest on his brown. He runs his hands through her ruby red hair, just to distract her if she becomes too into whatever she’s talking about. When they’d first met, Kiveqil wasn’t excited to have a padawan, especially a cynic one like her. But years passed, and she began to show her true colors to him, and vice versa. The late nights like these only made him more and more glad he’d thrown caution to the wind and just chosen to live his life with the woman he loved.

“Kiv! Are you even listening anymore?” Kira asked, giving him a look that said she knew he wasn’t. But also that she didn’t care, a smirk crossing her features.

“Yes, I was listening, Kira.” He said, acknowledging the things she said, making an effort to make comments back. His girlfriend could go on for ages about how much work the commander made her do, though in reality they’d been through worse fighting the Empire.

If anything, he was getting tired of doing paperwork and such. The coalition on Corellia didn’t end when he left the planet, and the Council’s next mission was to continue an effort like that onto other planets, primarily in Hutt space. Since Kiveqil had never said no to the opportunity, he often was the acting commander on these issues.

Kiveqil was a Jedi Knight, not a desk worker.

He’d met the commander that Kira spoke of, a short but suprisingly strong and buff dark skinned cyborg woman, who rocked a bald head, by the name of Hakiojkl, who ordered they call her Hakio. She seemed professional when he’d met her, but as Kiveqil had picked up from other people around the galaxy, he considered her very 'starchy’. Another word for uptight. Hakio was the new commander of Havoc Squad, though she’d admitted quietly to him that it was because the old Havoc Squad had defected, and that she and her second-in-command, Aric Jorgan, were the only two current members operating in Ord Mantell space.

She quieted down after a bit, snuggling herself into Kiveqil, her head resting only a few inches from his, hands underneath her head. She’s was beginning to tire, he could tell. It’d been a long day for both of them, and this was the most they’d spoken today. “Hey, Kira?”

“Mm?” She asked, looking up at him with her full attention now.

“I love you.”

She grinned, “I know that.”

“I really love you, Kira.”

“I know.” She said again, pulling him closer to her so that not even a millimeter seperated them. “I really love you too.”

To say the least, when he woke up in the morning, he wasn’t scared, the nightmare chased away by fantastical dreams and the woman he was lucky enough to call his one and only. Closing his eyes again, sneaking a moment just to admire his sleeping beauty, he went back to sleep, figuring his commander duties could wait another few hours.

#swtor #star wars the old republic #swtor oc #oc #original character #kira carsen #male jedi knight/kira carsen #kiveqil delux #swtor fanfiction #swtor fanfic

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fear-god-shun-evil · 6 years ago

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There Is Such a Group of People

In the last days, the disaster prone times, there is such a group of people, who can always come safely out of various unexpected disasters. What power delivers them from the danger-filled disasters and keeps them safe? The following are the true experiences and testimonies of how they were protected by God in disasters. Although their wording is very plain, without any profound theories, every experience is testifying to God’s expectation and salvation of mankind. May every one of us draw some inspiration from these experiences and testimonies.

Case One: My name is Xiang Yi, from Xuancheng City, Anhui Province. In July 2016, my hometown was hit by a flood because of continuous heavy rains. On July 7, our house was surrounded water, and the pigsty was drowned because of its low location, and more than a dozen pigs were stranded in water (our family lives only by raising pigs). My wife and I could do nothing but drive the pigs to a relatively higher place in the yard. Following that, the flood led to a cutoff of water and power in a large area. Besides, with the continuous high temperature for over ten days, on the water in our yard floated all kinds of garbage and pigs’ mess, which was in need of clean-up. At the thought of my heart attack for which I was hospitalized few days ago and my unrestored health, and plus the hot and humid weather then, many mosquitoes, and the polluted environment, I was afraid that I would have a heart attack again if I did such manual labor. If so, how could my wife bear the family burden? I could only keep praying and asking God to give me faith so that I could be obedient to God’s orchestration and arrangement in the disaster, and make no complaints no matter what happens. After the prayer, I felt much more secured in my heart and the labor did not cause me to feel much too tired.

Two days later, I heard from some villagers that in a neighboring village a pig farmer’s dozens of pigs had died in the flood, and that several people were infected with swine fever, one of whom even was amputated. At this news, I became nervous again, for fear that I might be also infected with swine fever. Then I suddenly thought of Almighty God’s words, “The disaster is brought down by Me and of course, orchestrated by Me….” (“You Ought to Do Enough Good Deeds to Prepare for Your Destination” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). Also, I thought of a passage in Fellowship and Preaching About Life Entry, “During the spread of an epidemic, some epidemic victims survive, while some athletic men died. Isn’t this all in God’s hands? There is a saying, ‘Those who are doomed cannot escape calamity.’ What does it mean? It means that’s already decreed by God in the spiritual realm, and no one can escape. If God doesn’t decree he should die, that is, he’s not doomed, then he won’t die even if he gets this disease.” These words gave me faith once more: The disaster is brought down by God, and also orchestrated by God. Whether or not I would be infected is up to God. No matter live or die, I’m willing to submit to God’s orchestration. If God allows me to live, I will perform my duty well to repay His love; if God lets me die, I won’t complain against Him.

In the following several days, my wife and I walked in the water to feed pigs every day. Those unbelievers in our village, after walking in the water, all had their legs infected with some virus and blistered, extremely itchy. However, my skin remained intact, so did my wife’s. More miraculously, this flood knocked down the concrete courtyard wall of my neighbor, while the brick wall of my house which was built with lime and sand 30 years ago still stood, though its lime and sand were all flushed away after it was immersed in the water for five or six days. In this flood, more than twenty pigs of other farmers in our village died, and the remaining all got sick. Nevertheless, none of my pigs died or got sick. Besides, I didn’t have a relapse of heart attack, though I overworked in those days of heat and humidity. Seen from this, I realized it was all God’s wonderful protection. After experiencing this disaster, I practically tasted God’s authority and deeds are everywhere. Meanwhile, I saw that God looks upon the whole earth. He knows who believes in and follows Him. As long as man has true faith in Him, and experiences His work with an obedient heart, they will be kept by God in the disasters. I offer thanks and praises to God from the bottom of my heart. All the glory be to Almighty God!

Case Two: I’m Wang Ming, from Ninghua County, Fujian Province, China. On the evening of July 10, 2016, I was having supper at my home. Suddenly, the wind blew strongly outside, with lightning and thunder, and then there followed a torrential rain. Before I realized what happened, the door had been blown open. I tried to close the door with all my strength, but it still could not be shut tightly. At that time, a cracking sound came from outside and I realized that the roof tiles might be blown off by the wind. I could not help but worry whether the wind would blow over my house. So, I prayed to God immediately, “O God! Whether or not my house will be blown over is in Your hand. I’m willing to obey Your sovereignty and arrangements, and I will not make a complaint even if my house is blown over, for You are righteous. At any time, I will testify to Your righteousness.” After the prayer, I heard my neighbor shouting hastily outside, “Lao Wang! Lao Wang! Open the door quickly! I’m coming to seek help. The roof of my house was blown off by the strong wind!” After she came in, she said to me, “It’s really unbelievable! You didn’t put stones on the roof of asbestos tiles. But under such a strong wind, they still stand there, and are not influenced by the wind. I put lots of bricks on the roof tiles, but the roof tiles were all blown off. It’s beyond understanding!” Then I said to her, “I believe in Almighty God, the only true God who created all things. The disasters are brought down by God and also commanded by Him. Nowadays, mankind admires evil and totally indulges in eating, drinking, and the pursuit of pleasure. Very few are willing to worship God. Instead, they resist God, and some even curse the Heaven once they encounter a small problem. That’s why God sends down the disasters to destroy the wicked mankind. Only if mankind repents before God, accepts Almighty God’s work and truly follows Him, can they be saved in the disasters. Otherwise, they will end up punished and destroyed by God. This is God’s righteous disposition.” Hearing what I said, she nodded continually, saying, “Your God is so powerful.” And there and then, she said she would believe in Almighty God.

The next day, I heard that except my house which was still intact, other houses in our village were all damaged. The villagers heard from my neighbor that I was protected thanks to my faith in Almighty God. They discussed, “It seems that Almighty God who Lao Wang believes in is the true God.” Hearing that, I praised God from my heart! I’ve truly experienced Almighty God’s words, “Almighty God, Practical God! You are our strong tower; You are our shelter. We lie prostrate under Your wings; no disaster will come near us. This is Your divine care and protection” (“The Fifth Utterance” of Christ’s Initial Expressions and Testimonies in The Word Appears in the Flesh).

Case Three: I’m Chen Xia, living in the suburb of Wuhan City, Hubei Province, China. On July 6, 2016, it was raining heavily. That day, I needed to ride a motorcycle to pick up a sister in a church which was about 20 kilometers from my home. Later, it was raining harder and harder. When I drove more than 10 kilometers away from my home, I saw that the water in the farmland had spread to the road. I was anxious in my heart, worrying the water would be too deep so as to block the road. So, I pressed the accelerator and rode forward. In a little while, I was truly shocked at what I saw: the flood covered the road in front of me for about 200 meters long, and over 30 acres of farmland on both sides of the road became a world of waters.

I saw a young couple ahead walking in the water hand in hand. With a look, I estimated that the water was about a foot deep. I thought: Since they can walk through, I can make it too. So, I hurried to dash into the water in third gear. Unexpectedly, the water rose fast as I was driving, and it reached above my knees. The impact force of the flowing water stopped my motorcycle, and my legs could not move any inch as if they were bound to a post. At that time, the engine of my motorcycle died out and couldn’t start anymore. I had to stop there with my legs supporting the motorcycle. I was a small person, and even in normal times it was hard for me to support my motorcycle with my legs. So, I just kept swaying in such rapid water. And not far in front of me was a river. If I failed to support myself, I would be washed into the river and die. In panic, I cried out to Almighty God and asked Him to protect me. After I called to Him for four or five times, suddenly I found the flow of water around me clearly slowed down. More miraculously, when I tried to start my motorcycle, it worked. I put it in third gear and pressed the accelerator slightly. It ran in the water easily as if someone helped me push it from behind. I quickly finished more than 200 meters of the road covered with deep water. When the young couple saw this, they gave me a surprised look. I deeply knew all these were God’s wonderful deeds. I was so touched that my eyes became full of tears. I offered up a grateful prayer to God on my motorcycle. It was His grace and protection that I survived the disaster.

Later, I learned that the place I passed by was a flood-diversion area. That day, many people were washed away when they ventured to cross the water, and even a vehicle loaded with a cattle was carried away. But I, a small and weak girl, could drive a motorcycle in that rapid water and head off danger, which was totally God’s care and protection. I really experienced that God is always at my side watching over and protecting me. God is my reliance and my ever-present help. I make a resolution: I will worship Almighty God forever! All the glory be to Almighty God!

(The stories above are all the real experiences of the authors except their names are aliases.)

These experiences are a microcosm of Christians of the Church of Almighty God being protected by God in disasters. The facts tell us that when God sends down various disasters to punish them, only true followers of God who rely on and obey Him will be saved by God and remain after the disasters. Just as Almighty God says, “If mankind wishes to have a good fate, if a country wishes to have a good fate, then man must bow down to God in worship, repent and confess before God, or else the fate and destination of man will unavoidably end in catastrophe.” “The work of God is like mightily surging waves. No one can detain Him, and no one can halt His footsteps. Only those who listen carefully to His words, and who seek and thirst for Him, can follow His footsteps and receive His promise. Those who do not shall be subjected to overwhelming disaster and deserved punishment” (“God Presides Over the Fate of All Mankind” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). In the last days, only by accepting Almighty God’s work and listening carefully to His words can mankind avoid the suffering in disasters; otherwise, no one can escape the calamity of the last days! Nowadays, what path we should walk and what end we will receive all depend on our own choice.

#Overcomer #God #Jesus #Gosple #Salvation #Kingdom

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