#i h8 having meltdowns

[decayayhagfishh]

I cried at school 2day so i drew Kou ♪⁠～⁠(⁠´⁠ε⁠｀⁠ ⁠)

i drew him as Niigo because urm hoo boy...

also ignore the small images and stuff, i was in genuine distress because uhhh uhhh uhmm that girl is a real crowd pleaser

and don't mention that i forgot his omamori in the middle or i will cry

I genuinely feel like doodoodookiecrap lately i just want to disappear without anyone even remembering me i feel embarrassed

[wiresister]

i wish i culd stop feeling like evry1 is annoyd or upset w me nd jst dsnt wanna tell me. like i kno in almost all cases tht isnt tru cuz 4 th most part i trust th ppl i keep arnd 2 jst tell me if somthing was wrong, but i still worry tht ppl r holding out on me cuz ther tryn 2 spare my feelings eithr cuz they think ill have a meltdown on them or cuz they dnt wanna make me feel bad. it makes me feel so much worse wen tht happens than wen ppl jst bluntly tell me wats up. i might still b sad cuz i fuckd up but i will at least kno tht u care nd want me as a friend enuff 2 tell me so i can fix it nd ill ultimately feel a lot bttr nd way less prone freaking out thinking u h8 me. idk wer im goin w this nymore i jst wish i wasnt so paranoid nd insecure abt all my relationships

[krispiecake]

hh

[mocweepe]

not done

can my cousin stfu

[sociosynapse]

I h8 losing all my things all the time. It’s actually gotten past the point of being comical and it’s str8 up infruiating. I have meltdowns over this shit.

Sure, I had signs of adhd as a kid, but I don’t recall my memory being this awful until after I’ve experienced head trauma. I’ve read that brain damage can cause u to develop adhd.

[fullmetalfisting]

I h8 retail so much I just rang up an employee and gave her the employee discount and had a middleage woman have an absolute meltdown because she didn’t also get the employee discount despite like not working there

[autisticdindjarin]

4,7, & 8 for tacee?

This didn’t come with a letter so I just decided to do all of them except for those not applicable because of who I am as a person lmao.

A4) Are they a pessimist or an optimist? 

Tacee’s very much in the middle of this. A big theme of her character is being in the gray - not seeing things as only black or white, which makes her such a great Gray Jedi (even if she doesn’t consider herself one).

A7) Is your OC confident in their reactions to life in general, or do they get embarrassed or easily shamed for it? I.e., if something startles them, do they insist it WAS scary? When they cry, do they feel like they overreacted?

Confident, but that’s mostly because she doesn’t notice the reactions of people to her reactions - by that I mean the social cues and things she misses, as she’s on the Autism Spectrum. She owns her reactions, and doesn’t apologize for them for the most part, unless it’s something drastic.

A8) Is your OC a martyr?

During her five years in carbonite hell? Yeah. She was the Hero of Tython, after all, and lead allied forces in the battle against Revan - she’s a Republic hero. When she goes missing, it gives people all that looked up to her all the more reason to hate Arcann. And that’s why so many come to the call of the Alliance when a rebellion is formed.

B4) Do they tip well? How easily can they be moved to not leave a tip?

Being a Jedi, Tacee never really had to worry about the concept of money, or possessions, so she really doesn’t think about how much is acceptable/unacceptable. She doesn’t mean to undertip, she’s just really not aware of economics, but would never not leave a tip.

B7) How do they respond to babies crying in public?

Not well. Her enhanced hearing from being a Togruta and being on the spectrum makes it very overwhelming for her, but if she focuses enough on the Force, she can tune it out.

B8) Is your OC considered funny? Do they believe they’re funny?

Tacee’s hilarious, but she doesn’t understand to what level her hilarity goes. Her jokes rely heavy on sarcasm and dark, nonsensical aspects of humor.

C4) Do they consider themselves superior or more important than anyone else? Lesser?

This is another part of her making a good Gray Jedi - she feels that she, personally, is not any more important or less important than any other being. But, when you set her up as leader of the Alliance, she takes into consideration the greater good. She may hate it, but for the sake of the galaxy, she has to make the hard calls involving sacrificing the lives of others.

C7) Do they believe people change over time? If so, is it a natural process or does it take effort? 

Yeah, she believes everyone has the capacity to grow, and everyone has the capability of devolving concerning their morals. It can go either way. Truly growing with great progress she sees as a very big, focused effort, but sometimes it does come naturally. Falling to the dark side takes a concious decision, but sometimes good intentions lead to that dark place.

C8) Is your OC more practical or ideal morally? I.e., do they hold people to high expectations of behavior even if it’s not realistic for the situation, or do they have a more realistic approach and adapt their morality to be more practical?

She’s more practical, considering that everyone has their faults, but there are a few exceptions, Satele Shan and Orgus Din being the biggest cases, where she’s in a hero worship state and holds them on a pedestal.

D4) Would they like to be immortal? Why, why not? If they are immortal, would they rather not be?

No. She’s already tired as it is - she was ready to die when she confronted the Emperor again in the temple on Dromund Kaas, and she feels like she’s been living on borrowed time since then.

E4) Did they enjoy school if they went to it?

She enjoyed ‘gym class’, or saber training. Jedi tomes and lectures on the Force, not so much.

E7) Are they a good note-taker? Are they a good test-taker? Do exams make them nervous?

No, no, and she prefers to not actually acknowledge there is an exam to be taken.

E8) What’s one of your OC’s biggest regrets?

Ziost.

F4) How clean are they overall with home upkeep?

Not at all.

F7) What’s their “dream career” or job situation?

She really does love being a Jedi, but she also wonders what it would be like if that hadn’t been all she’d known in life. When she does leave the Order, it causes a lot of anxieties, and though she makes a good leader, she doesn’t always enjoy it. Sometimes she wishes she could just run away from it all and raise Orobirds on Rishi.

F8) How often are they home?

Basically never.

G4) What kind of childhood did your OC have?

A very Jedi-structured one. She was given to the Jedi Order at eight months old, and that’s all she knew. She had several parental figures in the form of Jedi Masters, though she was often seen as ‘disruptive’ and ‘overly energetic’ and ‘prone to meltdowns’. Especially after the trauma when she saw the Jedi Temple on Coruscant fall when she was nine years old.

G7) Do they have any childhood memories they’d rather forget or be less affected by?

The attack on the Jedi Temple on Coruscant. Tacee was one of the junior padawans there, and had lived there her whole life up to that point - she was nine years old when Malgus stormed her home, and she was close enough to see the majority of the fighting. After dealing with the Emperor’s influences as an adult, she often has nightmares about Coruscant.

H4) Does your OC believe in love in first sight?

No.

H7) What do they look for in partners? (Emotionally, mentally, physically..)

Humor. Easy to connect with. Energetic, and willing to fight if needed. She likes men and women who speak their mind, and she’s always a sucker for those that could go toe to toe with her either in a conversation or in a sparring match.

H8) What’s your OC’s idea of a perfect date?

Tacee voice: What’s a date?

But ideally, she would just like time to relax and be alone with the other person, far away from any duties or obligations. As long as she doesn’t have to worry about someone popping in on her for some mission or another, she’s happy.

I4) How often do they cook? Do they order out a lot?

Tacee doesn’t like cooking, and doesn’t really cook anything she eats, either, as part of her diet as a Togruta. Sometimes she forgets to eat too, when she’s too focused on one task or another. Ordering out is cool with her, because it’s easier to get what she likes.

J4) Is your OC the sort to fall for fake news? If not, do they ignore it or make a point to clarify that it’s wrong?

No. She definitely makes sure everyone knows that it’s wrong if it’s a big issue. If it’s a small, silly thing, she’ll just roll her eyes, laugh, and go along with it.

J7) How much interest in environmental health do they have?

She doesn’t think of it, mostly because she prioritizing worlds not actively being blown up, set on fire, or wiped clear of life. Which, I guess is a form of interest in environmental health, but it’s a bit on the drastic side of it.

L4) Would you hang out with your OC if you could?

Heck yes I would! But she’d probably really intimidate me! That confidence, them muscles ...

L7) Which OC do you think is the most attractive?

My Darth Nox, Yasmi Mirgo

L8) What’s the longest you’ve had an OC for?

I’ve had my OC Kellan since I was in 4th grade, so err....  since 2001

[momestuck]

Epilogues: Candy, ch 29-38 (Epilogue 7)

Hoo boy, she’s back. *rubs hands together, cackles*

...actually having read the chapter that’s not a lot to get excited about. content note that this epilogue features a physical assault turning into a sexual assault, and then its aftermath and further violence, in chapters 32 and 37.

also like heavy depression and ennui in general

Chapter 29

...is so short it fits entirely on my screen.

Whatever alt-Calliope has been waiting for, hanging about on the asteroid, is here. Not ‘the Prince’ (i.e. Caliborn), but... someone.

Not Vriska either, we can presume, given the use of ‘he’ pronouns.

Chapter 30

Jake, laying it on rather thick, goes to Jane with bad news. Her father is apparently dead, having (supposedly) taken a bullet rocket for ‘the human president’ to save him from one of Karkat’s assassins. There is no body to dispose of, because his body was destroyed.

This has ‘obvious ruse to cover a defection’ all over it to me, but Jane wouldn’t see that I guess.

Jane takes this the prompt to escalate her war against the trolls to full-blown genocide - total war of extermination, shouting like a cartoon villain. Gamzee, the only troll present... jokingly calls this xenophobic - and turns it into a flirt.

Jane decides now’s the time to stop this whole hateflirting thing, and has her guards take ‘this troll’ off her bridge. To be executed with all the other trolls, presumably. Though he’s not dead on-screen yet.

It’s a very strange mix of cartoon-villain ridiculousness, ordinary ridiculousness, and like... the word genocide.

Chapter 31

Back to John and Vriska, with pretty much no time having passed. John gets her up to speed. Her reaction is predictable...

(VRISKA): ...

(VRISKA): ...

(VRISKA): That’s...

(VRISKA): Th8t’s the........

(VRISKA): Stupidest *F8CKING* thing I’ve ever heard!

Also she’s the (Vriska) in this scenario, because Vriska Lalonde was ‘here first’ lol

Anyway, Vriska confirms very definitely that Lord English is not dead, she was indeed on the battlefield, and she’d prefer to get back there. John brings her up to speed - by this point he’s blaming himself for the decision that broke ‘cause and effect’; everyone got what they thought they wanted and it turned out to be a horrific catastrophe.

As if things couldn’t get any worse, Gamzee - who is not, it seems, dead - shows up. He attempts to set this incandescently angry Vriska on the course of “redemption”...

Chapter 32

This chapter features Vriska beating the absolute shit out of Gamzee for... a whole lot of paragraphs. I guess everything Gamzee was all just setup for this.

This features a lot of named moves, like European-style Uppercut and Reverse Hangman. Probably a wrestling thing.

Which, well, I thought this was just going to be a fandom-catharsis, what if Vriska (avatar of People Who Like Vriska) fucked up Gamzee (avatar of Those People Who Like Vriska Dislike) really fucking hard, but I reckoned without V ‘lick the troll’s armpit’ and her sense for the perverse. tl;dr: Vriska beats the shit out of Gamzee, Gamzee gets horny for it, starts licking her foot; Vriska goes and starts a hate-makeout with him.

The existence of kismesisitude really fucks with any concept of telling someone to go and get fucked, huh. Literally no fucking clue what to make of this at this point.

Chapter 33

Rose comes to talk to John. At this point, it’s very clear that things are far from the rails of ‘canon’, whatever that means anymore.

It’s nice to have Rose back, to say some longwinded philosophical bullshit. She talks about happiness, by way of her wizard fanfiction: in short the implication is that knowing one is in ‘heaven’ destroys (the ability to enjoy) it.

ROSE: But that isn’t me anymore.

ROSE: I am blind against the veil of this world.

ROSE: It’s all ambrosia to me.

ROSE: I don’t care if it’s not true. I care even less if it’s not canon.

ROSE: I have a beautiful wife who I love more than I thought possible, and a daughter who I am immeasurably proud of.

ROSE: It can all be senseless, ephemeral noise that dissolves in the void. A whisper swept up by the wind before it’s uttered.

ROSE: I’m still grateful to have felt this way.

Glad someone isn’t miserable.

The chapter ends with a hug as the bombs go off, and John deciding ‘finality’ was always his to decide, now they are no longer part of ‘the story’.

Chapter 34

Back to Vriska Lalonde and Harry Anderson. Vriska’s involved in the war, although not taking it all that seriously at all. Apparently this Vriska is having a kismesis with Tavros, although rather tame compared to the Alternian version.

They have a fairly inconsequential conversation and then Vriska catches sounds of Gamzee, and goes to investigate... and comes face to face with (Vriska) hatefucking Gamzee, I guess.

Homestuck... was a mistake?

Chapter 35

Vriska POV chapter.

She’s having a meltdown over having just made out with Gamzee. This includes dwelling briefly on her own Awful Childhood:

She remembers the shame and excoriation of her childhood—the fear, the pressure, being coerced to do awful things to undeserving kids. All that embarrassing effort she spent trying to emulate her ancestor. She threw every bit of herself into the role, but in recent years reflecting on the charade has only made her cringe.

If this is going to be going through the same beats as Gamzee’s joke “redemption arc”, that would be something.

Anyway, Vriska furiously demands Gamzee not tell anyone - Gamzee, meanwhile, is starting to feel, more and more, that ‘he was taken advantage of’, that what just happened was sexual assault - that he’s outright feeling unsafe as a result.

I am really fucking lost as to what this is all “saying”, at this point. Is the point that, by making Gamzee out to be so reprehensible, we inclined not to sympathise when he’s sexually assaulted? To like, look out for those we hold to be disposable, to recognise that even shitbags can be harmed?

Perhaps there isn’t a conscious point.

Regardless, Vriska is so desperate to brush over what she’s done that she chokes him to death. He’s not a ‘real’ God tier, so she can just do that. Unfortunately for her, Vriska Lalonde is there to bear witness.

Chapter 36

Back to John, who is contemplating existentialism. Only for... Jake to arrive, having finally fled his horrific abusive relationship with Jane.

Love that letter J.

Anyway John is so apathetic now that he can barely bring himself to care about Jake more than ‘a sim stuck in a pool’, but he does manage to get shaken out of it by realising there’s a kid stuck in the equation.

Jake’s question... was I a bad person? Jake says he’s so used to letting other people control him, he never took responsibility when it mattered.

John makes a token effort to encourage Jake to look to the future - and Jake suddenly brightens up in a way that’s clearly suggesting something is still very much up. He invites John to dance.

It’s all a bit much huh.

But it’s enough to convince John that even if this Roxy isn’t ‘real’, he still ought to make up with her.

Chapter 37

Vriska [Vriska Lalonde] and (Vriska) [Vriska Serket] catch up, which means the text colours and the character prompts are quite difficult to distinguish.

Vriska Serket laments that John is an idiot, but holds power that the rest of the cast could never hope to have (his retcon powers etc.). Vriska Lalonde is dismissive.

Vriska Serket reminisces about the awful shit she’s done in her life - to Tavros, to Terezi, to the other Vriska who was, for a while, happy in the dream bubbles. She tries to convince Vriska Lalonde that this is bad, and not to be like her. She’s not very convincing.

But utlimately... they come round to talk about Terezi. Not by name, though.

(VRISKA): May8e that’s why I h8’d my ghost self so much?

VRISKA: Why?

(VRISKA): 8ecause I just had a sense.

(VRISKA): On some level I knew she was right. She was happy and honest with herself. And that’s what made her...

(VRISKA): A version of myself who was actually worthy of someone I cared a8out.

(VRISKA): Don’t get me wrong, we had a nice time for a few years living on that meteor.

(VRISKA): It was a good, sta8le pale relationship. 8ut that’s all it was.

(VRISKA): We couldn’t really connect in a deeper way 8ecause I was still... the way I am, I guess?

(VRISKA): Layers and layers of armor and defenses.

(VRISKA): And I had some mysterious feeling that weak ghost version of myself was always meant to form the kind of connection with her that I never could, 8ecause she didn’t have any of that stuff getting in the way.

At that point it comes out that Vriska Lalonde nicked John’s phone, giving Vriska Serket the chance to finally... well first read back their entire conversation, and then at last to text her.

Chapter 38

God this particular Epilogue is going on a bit huh! There’s only two chapters left for the final one.

There is also very little room for any sort of ‘resolution’. Of relationships, maybe... we might get to see Terezi and Vriska reunited at last. But the war and so on... are not going to be wrapped up in three chapters, though they’re not the point. The metaphysical weirdness is unlikely to receive much of an explanation.

It’s going to be a bittersweet ending, at best...

Anyway we open with Roxy, looking forward to meet up with John again. It’s nice to finally get a little Roxy POV.

John tries to explain his whole theory that the ‘candy’ choice has basically robbed everyone else of choice. Roxy meanwhile is rather back to her old self - perhaps she never left it. She won’t have any of it. She wasn’t acting like a doormat to John because of some metaphysical non-canonicity bullshit - that was just where she was.

JOHN: i just kept wanting to find ways to make everything make sense, you know?

JOHN: but maybe it just fucking doesn’t.

ROXY: i know we became grownups in a world built specifically n cosmically for us

ROXY: so i get wanting to find a pattern in everything

ROXY: but not everything has 2 b that deep

so then they move on and we finally learn a bit about where Roxy’s been at that’s not filtered through John’s perspective. It turns out that Roxy is our putative nb character I guess:

ROXY: i had all these conflictin thoughts abt how to be me in the first place

ROXY: like what it meant to date a beautiful skull alien

ROXY: sexualitywise and genderwise and person in generalwise

ROXY: for a while there i didnt know if i wanted ppl to think of me as a woman at all

But ultimately... she just drifted apart from Callie, and it wasn’t something she felt comfortable talking about with John.

I’m not going to just quote this entire chapter, but there’s some compelling, truthful stuff about Roxy’s self-conception around gender, how it changed when she got pregnant... obviously my experience of transness is in some ways quite a different one, but still.

Roxy speaks of like, the future to come, that she’s expecting to change in many more ways yet, that it doesn’t matter if it’s the ‘most true’ path, but it’s the one she’s on... it sounds corny summarised like that, but it feels a lot more real than Jake’s whole thing.

end of epilogue 7

so adulthood huh... adulthood is a fuck. being human in general is a fuck. fucked up that we gotta be a bag of seawater with a subjectivity and all that.

we’re moving to the end here. the struggles... the war and so on... it’s not really about that, they’re just set dressing. the point is just, what it is to live in a world as fucked up and pointless as this one, I guess. classic existentialism jazz. (editor’s note: bryn has not read an existentialist philosopher in her life, and the extent of her knowledge of the subject begins and ends with the videogame NieR: Automata.)

the struggles within that cycle...