#i guess keep readings just don't work on mobile anymore ?? fucking weird

[sout999]

adhd talk

the third truly unsung project alongside my film and dissertation was the weird amount of targeted effort i had to put into Completing Anything Big As A Neurodivergent Person Whose Brain Is A Crazy Off The Rails Train Staffed and Patronised Entirely By Multiple Exact Copies Of The Squirrel From Ice Age

which is a description like 99/100 people reading this can relate to, but i think a sentiment i see less often and therefore feel kind of stupid and stubborn and lonesome about is "adhd is innate but is also exasperated by hectic lifestyle/modern instant gratification machines so if i fix my habits around those i can cure myself forever". which is silly and wrong but also i feel abit disconnected from adhd social media culture and cant cope just relating to it (which is all it seems to be sometimes) but learning to harness or tame it to do the things that are really important to me

i felt really cringe tbh having to look up youtube videos of HARVARD STUDENT REVEALS PRO STUDY TRICK and then narrowing it down to specifically adhd-focused study videos and keeping a planner and setting aside specific time to study studying and practising anti-academic meltdown journaling techniques and reading fucking atomic habits but i really didn't want to contribute to my abhorrent academic record following me all through undergrad. in fact i wish i had done this sooner but i was not self aware enough to consider the fact

probably the best change i made was severely cutting down or being mindful of social media time, i don't backread my tl anymore and have more moments of awareness when i find myself dumbly scrolling and realize i dont want to be doing this, and then wondering what i actually Do want to be doing. i keep a book nearby to read, and have also swapped a lot of social media time to sketching-off-pinterest time. reading about the psychology behind social media apps is also super interesting, although i always feel like a paranoid wacko conspiracy theorist talking about it. stuff like how negativity and judgemental behaviour is good for engagement (and therefore ad revenue), and how if all posts on your tl were interesting you wouldn't be as addicted to social media as you are, therefore microblogging employs a slot machine/gacha system where you "roll" for posts by logging on and hope to get a good one. it's a little full on but the more i think of it as a revolting and evil machine the more incentive i have to do something else with my time ^q^

a harder thing to do was, in the late stages of the project, the real crunch time month, avoid everything that could become a huge hyperfixation, and then eventually even minor distractions or fixations. because i know if i got super obsessed with something i'd just be up posting about it or drawing fanart. i had to bar myself from persona 3 remake and elden ring dlc and all these other shiny new releases, and the mobile games i was playing... i look forward to catching up on them now. i took up reading books a lot more because unfortunately thats just not as exciting. in the last month of film work i stopped listening to music on my computer so i wouldnt get drawing or animation ideas to distract me from film work. as of writing this i havent listened to music in like 40 days guys 😱 at the same time i am the kind of person who needs background noise to work, so i have:

watched novum's four hour hereditary video essay three times

watched novum's seven hour midsomar video essay three times

watched that one five hour bojack horseman retrospective twice

listened to audiobooks of the Britney Spears biography, Jennette McCurdy biography, three Playboy Bunny biographies (i was on some sort of lady bopgraphy kick i guess), and a few fiction books

rewatched all of bojack horseman

started on House MD and got a few seasons in before i finished the project, amazingly the perfect show to look away from bc of all the medical stuff, how many lumbar punctures do you need to show like seriously

honorable mention to the learned skill of communication and being honest and picking your battles and killing your darlings which is a larger part of managing mental illness than i cared to admit but one of the hardest ones because it involved confronting things and making big painful drastic changes and then having to tell the faculty about them. sometimes i'd be stuck on a piece of animation work for weeks/months, then go back and change the underlying idea to one i'm actually passionate about, and do the animation work in one day using newly found magical hyperfocus passion power. it's crazy! but being able to be confident about taking those steps rather than keeping on with what you're "supposed" to do went a long way.

i very much look forward to listening to a music and playing some video games properly now and being pulverized like a small victorian child from the sheer amount of fun i'm having. i'd say it was all worth it and a fun experiment in channeling the magical humours of passion and boredom and i hope it will help me with future projects too. i Am super burnt out though x__ x thanks for reading and for all your support up until now!

[misterewrites]

Updates about this blog (Finally)

Hey everyone it's me! E with a brief update about the status of this particular blog! As if ya'll hadn't noticed i don't post my stories up here anymore. There's a good reason for that.

So there was that weird Tumblr and A.I issue back few weeks ago *Maybe? god too many things keep happening it's hard to keep track* and I am very much against the use of A.I. in general but particularly when it comes to writing and art. So what i have decided to do is this: I will no longer be posting like the full, readable versions of my stories in keep reading under posts here on tumblr and let's be real they did whatever here. Even if tumblr stopped enabling it the users of A.I. bullshit they're just gonna keep trying to pull this shit and while i think im a decent writer at best, i dont want enable theft and unlawful use of other people's work cuz fuck that! But i still kinda have to promote myself so here's the idea.

This will be pinned at the top of my blog with a direct link to my ao3 at the end of this post that way any new person stumbling upon here can go there and i can still kinda use this blog for it's original purpose. I, when i remember cuz i use tumblr on mobile more than anything, am instead just gonna make a small post with a direct link to the story, lightly promoting my work and updating people who are interested that there is a new chapter up for whatever madness i have decided to commit to this week. I know a lot of people are just guests on a03, sometimes don't have an account and thus might not get notified when i do something new so. I guess i'm just covering my bases and still trying to use this blog as it was intended.

Aside from that i will probably just use this blog like i have been: Updating people on things i think are important be it news, tips, general information.

Yeah. That's it. I hope ya'll are doing good. I understand this took forever to explain and i also get if you don't care and are in no way in impacted by this but i felt it was best to be transparent and really explain why this whole blog has shifted. I fucking hate A.I. Have a great one and I'll spam you soon! :) -E

[moon-minghao]

‘leave your lover’

anon requested: “ junhao with the prompt: "they said 'speak now or forever hold your peace' so i'm speaking up."

words: 1885

summary: “the girl is pretty. this, minghao can admit.

she is perfect for junhui, perfect in general, and when junhui introduces her to the boys, everything makes perfect sense: junhui is some sort of angel, surely, and so maybe his girlfriend has to be one, too.

(of course, there are some things that minghao won’t admit to. he won’t admit to the nights he’s spent looking in the mirror, staring at his sharp jaw and pale cheeks and thinking about how unpretty he feels, a masochistic sort of comparison)”

__________________________________________________

the girl is pretty. this, minghao can admit.

she has dark brown eyes and long black hair and her face is round, smooth and always blushing and she is all soft angles; her laugh is beautiful and her jokes are polite.

minghao can admit all of this.

she is perfect for junhui, perfect in general, and when junhui introduces her to the boys, everything makes perfect sense: junhui is some sort of angel, surely, and so maybe his girlfriend has to be one, too.

(of course, there are some things that minghao won’t admit to. he won’t admit to the nights he’s spent looking in the mirror, staring at his sharp jaw and pale cheeks and thinking about how unpretty he feels, a masochistic sort of comparison)

junhui tells minghao that he loves her.

he says it casually, offhandedly. they are all hanging out one day when she leaves to get herself another glass of water or juice or whatever, because obviously she doesn’t drink, and junhui watches her go and says “i think i’m in love.”

and minghao just says “i don’t blame you.”

(because, after all, she is celestial. and minghao is just a boy.)

they were both fresh out of college, then, and minghao was still trying to date mingyu. (which falls through; every single time). they were both fresh out of college and so painstakingly young, always exhausted from dancing through the week and partying on the weekends, and all minghao could do was pray that the girl breaks his best friend’s heart.

______

exactly four years after junhui says he is in love, he says he is engaged.

jeonghan claims to have seen it coming, wonwoo admires junhui for finally popping the question, seungcheol gets emotional, and junhui’s mother starts planning a wedding.

mingyu texts minghao. a simple text, no emojis or exclamation points, just three words. “are you alright?”

because of course, mingyu has known this entire time that minghao is head over heels for junhui. mingyu isn’t the most intelligent kid, but he sure knows how to read people. and so everyone is congratulating the soon-to-be groom and the soon-to-be bride and minghao is busy staring at his phone, feeling like an unwanted flower in the harshest of storms.

“no, of course i’m not, you idiot” he wants to say, or maybe just “no.” or maybe “no no no no no” like some child throwing a temper tantrum, angry and unfair.

but he doesn’t, instead he types: 

“of course ! i told you i already got over the cold i was complaining about. did you hear junhui’s news? i’m happy for him!! (●´ω｀●)”

and mingyu may be concerned but he hates to pry, so he just responds with a “yes, i did!!” and he leaves it at that. he knows how quickly minghao turns mean, a defense mechanism that has been ingrained in the boy since they were children.

when they see each other again, though, there are dark circles underneath minghao’s eyes and he has lost weight that mingyu didn’t even know he had.

______

the wedding is on a saturday. junhui’s brother is best man and everyone is attending, bright and smiling.

minghao goes, set jaw and blue suit, not saying a word to anyone. he sits between mingyu and soonyoung and wishes he had brought his camera, if only to take pictures of the blooming trees through the stained glass window.

soonyoung and chan are holding hands as they wait for the ceremony to begin. it's a detail that almost makes minghao smile. if any of them are to have a happy ending, he would hope it would be the two of them.

“you look tired, hyung.” chan says in a soft voice.

“been working too hard.” minghao shrugs.

which isn’t entirely true; he has been working, he always is, spending long nights designing jackets or trousers with mingyu, but he has also been drinking straight vodka and sleeping with any girl who catches his eye.

and, of course, he has been thinking of junhui, which always makes him tired. a sort of sugary sweet, chest pain, comfortable tired. the same type of weariness that he has come to identify as love.

junhui looks nice in his tuxedo. his ink black hair is slicked back and he looks happy, as awkward as he always does but happy all the same. minghao smiles at him instinctively. junhui smiles back.

his fiancee looks lovely, too. her wedding dress is pure white and her curls frame her heart shaped face, something close to an ethereal debutant.

minghao doesn’t smile at her. she is looking at junhui with eyes full of unquestionable love and minghao supposes that makes two of them.

he scans the large room before the wedding officially starts. jeonghan, joshua and seungcheol sit in the very back row, deep in hushed conversation. jihoon couldn’t make it, so seokmin is ready with a smartphone in order to record everything, even if jihoon didn’t ask him to.

junhui’s parents are sitting in the very front row, looking proud and official and anxious, near the bride’s parents too.

the sheer amount of people makes minghao nervous. he sits in the middle of the crowd, positively unnoticeable. he likes it that way, a rainy cloud insignificant in the middle of such a sunny, momentous occasion.

the reverend clears his throat and everyone looks up. this is it, the very beginning, and he starts his speech as soon as the bride reaches the altar.

his speech is long winded, a droning thing, and just before the vows begin, the reverend turns to the crowd.

“should anyone here present know of any reason that this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.”

______

xu minghao was always a quiet kid.

he never had many friends when he was little. he grew up to be harsh and logical and rather lonely. he moved to south korea from china when he was still just a lanky teenager, doe eyes and dyed blonde hair.

it was just him and his mother then, in a small apartment in seoul. he never really complained; xu minghao knew how to take what he could get. accept his fate.

the first real friend he ever had was seokmin, who introduced him to soonyoung, who introduced him to chan and junhui. minghao remembers it had been raining, an autumn day where everyone was cold and shivering and soonyoung had smiled wide and said, “these are my friends, i’ve told them all about you.”  

and minghao had said a simple greeting in response, nothing too fantastical, but junhui looked entranced just the same. (wen junhui was quiet, too, but he made up for whatever words he lacked through his actions, always so kind and affectionate.)

junhui and minghao get close, but enter some sort of torturous dance: whenever junhui moves forward, minghao moves back. he responds quickly and unenthusiastically to any of junhui’s advances. he doesn’t trust junhui when the boy says he likes him, and junhui figures he should just drop it.

minghao will blame no one but himself for the shattering of his own heart; this was self destruction at its finest.

(one time, minghao got sick.

he tried to make it through the entire school day with a high fever, but was sent home by fourth period. he slept until the afternoon, tormented by a pounding headache and nausea.  

when he woke up, junhui was sitting by his bed, gentle eyes and school uniform.

“your mother let me in.” he explains before minghao has to ask. the sick boy nods in response.

“i was worried about you, haohao.” he continues, then he leans towards minghao.

this part gets hazy in minghao’s recollection of the memory: some days, he believes - or, convinces himself - that junhui had reached over and pressed a hand against his head to check his temperature, and other days he is more than certain that junhui had pressed his soft lips to his forehead.

either way, minghao remained silent.

xu minghao is a worrier, always nervous about ruining a good thing with his words. xu minghao knows how to keep his mouth shut.)

______

so it must be fate, or destiny, or something stupid like that, that motivates minghao to stand up in response to the reverend’s words.

he stands up and immediately freezes. he can hear mingyu mutter “holy fucking shit” but it sounds far away. even the feeling of soonyoung’s hand, tugging forcefully on his suit jacket in the hopes to pull him back down to earth, can’t reach him.

everyone is looking at him. junhui is looking at him.

the reverend seems like he is about to say something, perhaps ask minghao what his reason is, but junhui turns to the older man and whispers, “can i have a moment to speak to him?” and so he just nods.  

the room is dead silent after junhui’s words. he sends an apologetic look towards his bride, then walks over to minghao’s row, and all but drags the younger boy out of the church.

it’s warm out, a perfect spring day, and minghao barely has time to adjust to the light before junhui grabs him by the shoulders and harshly shoves him against the side of the church. minghao lets out a gasp at the jolt of pain.

“what exactly do you think you are doing?” junhui asks. his voice is low and serious and he looks so angry, so stern and unforgiving that it makes minghao want to cry.

“he, uh, the man… the man said that if we had any objections, we should uh…”

“yes, minghao, i know what he fucking said. what i want to know, hao, is what the fuck you think you are doing. especially now, after all this time.”

and now minghao really is crying. the first time in my entire life where i tried to speak my mind and i’ve absolutely ruined everything. perfect. great. “i just, i just love you so much and i knew that if i didn’t speak now then i would have to take it to the grave and-”

junhui’s face softens. “what?” he asks sharply.

“i love you, wen junhui.” minghao cringes; his nose is running and his voice is shaky and here he is on junhui’s literal fucking wedding day, confessing his love like an over-excited fangirl. “but now i’ve fucked everything up and your bride is waiting for you and your parents are in there and…” he can’t speak anymore, not with how embarrassed he is.

“shh, hao hao.” junhui is wiping away minghao’s tears. he has lost all the edge in his voice. “it’s going to be alright.”

minghao looks up, confused and irritated. “don’t be nice to me. you should be angry. i deserve to get yelled at, junhui, i’ve ruined your wedding.”

“i would have ruined it anyways.”

“how could you have possibly done that?”

“well, generally weddings are ruined when the groom is still in love with his old friend.”

it takes a second to register. minghao pauses, about to ask junhui what fucking game he thinks he is playing. before he can, however, junhui has caught him in a kiss, lips pressed harshly against his, still wet from tears.

[darkvolley]

Okay, before I start this utter garbage post about me making fun of and being embarrassed by my old org kid ocs lemme say that back then I shipped AkuRoku cuz, I mean c'mon, I was like 12. I'm sure like 75% of us shipped AkuRoku when we were 12. But I know now that it is not okay cuz of the age difference so please don't let who I was at 12 effect how you view me now that I'm 20 and actually get why it's not okay.

So with that out of the way let's start with exactly that! (I would add a read more but I'm on mobile for this post :/)

(Yes this all in Adventure Time style, I was good at it at the time) We got Hikari and Akio. Ah yes, the ever common KH oc named Hikari. I remember Akio's name came from the dad from Clannad, which I don't actually remember if I was watching Clannad at the time, I think I watched that in 7th grade... Yeah, I did. They're designs are actually pretty okay, maybe I could repurpose them for different ocs in the future.

There's a whole list off to the side with the other ships' kids. I really don't remember ever shipping LuxLarx, but I must of. Wait why the fuck is there kids for LuxLarx, MarLarx, and MarVex??? Why did I do that!?!?! I really did ship XigXal tho, huh? It's written as Xiglan, but trust me I remember who Nagisa's parents are. Why did I ship that tho? I do remember having a HayKai kid, but I can't remember what her name was since I apparently didn't write it down. I really don't remember ever shipping Penlette either. Okay, moving on!

We got XemSai kids and one LuxLarx daughter even tho there's supposed to be two. I didn't remember Tsuki ever existing until I saw her again! She was a little monster! Just an absolutely little devil gremlin!!! Oh my god, I just realized... I've been making the exact same little sister oc since I was 12... All little sisters is the same.

Taiyo just legit looks exactly like Isa. I was so not creative. I mean, I'm still not creative, but just in different ways now. And Erlane looks like she's got some Squid Girl hair going on. Whatever that outfit is I like it. Moving on!

Oh... oh god... oh no... the surpressed memories... they're coming back... Not... the MarVex kids!!!! Even's just literally fucking Even!!! And I'm still salty Lauriam isn't canonically Lumaria! It's much prettier! But wtf is that kid tho. Why does he look like he lives on a farm...? Maybe that was the point, ya know, Marluxia flower power and all. I just have no recollection of Hana or anything about her tho.

Some of the kids are missing apparently. I just never drew all of them. I swear I had a drawing or two of Nagisa. I actually liked her too. I ended up taking a bit of her in spirit to make my other oc Spatia, but I don't even know if I'm gonna keep her anymore thanks to the KH3 epilogue. She was probably just never meant to be... Moving on!

Wh-wheapons...? I really just combined the parents' weapons for most of the kids, huh. They're kinda creative at least. I have a weird knack for making interesting weapons so I got that going for me. Frozen Petal looks really cool. Ya gotta admit that combining Marluxia and Vexen's powers to get a weapon called Frozen Petal is like, spot on.

It's a shame I didn't draw Myde or Ienzo. I kinda remember them tho and I think they were legit just copies of Demyx and Zexion, with maybe eye color changes? God that is... that is- that is not how making kids works. Masashi Kishimoto take note, this is not how you do it. I don't even get how their weapons are supposed to work. The sitar looks like a violin... sorta. I should consider that me insulting myself since I played violin! I feel like the book would just get wet too. Like, a book is useless if it's wet. That's a counter-productive weapon.

Relena's cards I'm guessing are just copies of Luxord's, but Erlane's is interesting. They're lightning boomerangs. I dunno how that would work, but I'm lovin' it. Give Larxene boomerangs in KH4! Or, I guess Elrena, but she's got a Keyblade now.

Speaking of that! I do recall story stuff about Akio's chakrams like sort evolving into a Keyblade. I guess Riku's original sword did that, but I thought it was a Keyblade the whole time. Lea really did get a Keyblade tho, huh... just like his son gkgngkfnfm XD I did it first tho, Nomura pay me! I swear I know I did this before 3D came out!

Anyway, I actually think Hikari's weapon is really creative. I remember I didn't want to give her a Keyblade just because she used light like Roxas, so I thought, angels are related to light, so angel feathers!

I don't know who the fuck Nigel is.... Oh wait fuck no I do!!!!! Oh Nigel!!!! Nigel!!!!! I did basically the same thing I did with Nagisa and reused bits of him to create Tempest! He was my first XalLux son!! I liked him! He was so cool! He and Tempest basically have the same personality but they're slightly different from each other. The Tempest prototype... oh yeah, Tempest is my new XalLux son(replica actually). I forgot about Nigel... I'm so sorry Nigel. You were the only one that wasn't fucking weird. You were just a cool dude. Holy shit, I forgot about Nigel... I swear I have a really nice drawing of him somewhere. Geez, if anything good came out of this it was me remembering Nigel. Well, Nigel is now Tempest so no need to dwell on him any longer!