#i guess it's just being aware of my personal/family history of poor impulse control

[birdwatchy-standaround]

i'm gonna DO it

i'm gonna BUY the SNEAKERS i've been looking at for weeks

[datawyrms]

hey so do you think you could write stuff about danny and dani being cousins and maybe him visiting the ghost zone to go see her and nocturn cuz the one that mentioned that was super cool

You bet! Sorry I took awhile, I’ve been juggling things and flicking between ideas and not finishing anything :v It’s short and doesn’t go very far but hey just something to maybe expand on later, yeah? (oh look i slapped it on AO3!)

”I have no idea how you stay over here so long.” Danny shuddered, trying to ignore how green everything was. The sky should be blue, not some endless green expanse.

“Stealing to eat is a pain cuz. I don’t get why you’re always over there!” Dani rolled her eyes as she glanced at her trailing friend. “I know you like flying as much as I do and you spend most of the time pretending you can’t.”

“It’s not that hard to fly if I want to,” his shrug was dismissive, but he couldn’t keep the frown from his face. “I just don't get why you don’t just hang around the Far Frozen if you like being in the Ghost Zone.” Well, it was more ‘why can’t you hang around ghosts that HAVEN’T tried taking over the world’, but the last time he’d phrased it like that, Dani had kicked him.

“Not all of us have ice powers!”

“Uh. You totally do. Or should eventually, I guess.”

She seemed to appreciate he didn’t bother voicing the obvious, slowing down so they didn’t need to keep hollering at one another. “Nope. Frostbite didn’t seem to think so when I asked.”

“Really? Huh. Your ghost sense is like mine though isn’t it?”

“Don’t ask me, I’m just listening to big, smart and fuzzy. Just means I can get something way better than ectoblasts but Blue.”

Well when she made it that easy… “Nothing cooler though!” Ducking the hurled ectoblast was easy enough, she’d aimed a bit high.

“Looks like my power is shooting people who make bad jokes.”

“So saying to chill out would-” he broke off laughing as she tackled him at full speed, sending the two half ghosts in a barely controlled spiral. 

Still, the clone had joined in the laughing by the time the two managed to steady themselves again. “You’re awful.”

“I get too much practice.”

“No kidding. You’ve sent how many ghosts back here this week? Eight?”

“Try twenty and you’ll be getting close,” his amusement faded. He really, really should be getting back. Yet he’d promised to at least try visiting sometimes, so he had to at least get to the place. Even if every bit of him was wanting to get back to Amity already now that he was thinking about it.

“Whoops. Sorry cuz, forgot you’re reallll territorial sometimes.” Dani elbowed him, forcing Danny out of his own thoughts.

“I am not!” His denial was a bit more forceful than he’d like to admit. “You just reminded me how many ghosts might hold a grudge this week.”

“Uhhuh. Since you know we’ve been attacked so often today.” the smaller ghost paused as if she needed a moment to count. “ All zero times! The horror.”

“Real funny. Don’t you feel weird over here?” he caught her eyes, a little confused to see a complete lack of understanding. “You know...that feeling? That we don’t belong over here? That little pulsing at the back of your head?”

Her blank stare answered that well enough. “Noooope. I don’t know if that’s a ‘you’re a territorial nutcase’ or a ‘you’re a corpse stuffed with ectoplasm’ thing.”

“One, no I’m not, and two EW? Gross!” he gagged, fighting off the urge to shudder. “Someone call you that as an insult or something?”

“Mhm, Kitty was trying to explain why humans are kinda weird.” she gave a little shrug. “So we’re even weirder. Though I totally melted so I’m probably not lugging a corpse around all the time, but you might be!”

“Yup, that’s it, you spend wayyyy too much time around ghosts.” He had not expected to get a new nightmare from Dani nowadays, she’d given him plenty already. Yet life was apparently full of surprises. 

“Or you don’t spend enough time around em.”

“No, pretty sure you crossed from morbid to just disgusting there.”

“Hey, if you really want to creep someone out just crack your knuckles at em. Get a shudder out of any ghost that can’t get over to the human world, guaranteed” 

“I’m not really big into the scaring people thing.” The fact Dani was still made part of him twinge in discomfort. She was her own person, obviously. It should be a good thing that they were different in more ways as time passed...

“Pft. You’re such a human cuz” she gave him a nudge before shooting forward “Almost there! Don’t shoot at a sleepwalker if it surprises you!”

“I won’t,” he muttered, already more alert for any movement.

He didn’t really expect Nocturn’s lair to seem so inviting. He’d been expecting the dull wasteland that he’d seen back when they’d fought, dark skies, ominous towers, that sort of thing. A hazy sort of garden lit by gently swilling lights had not gotten on his list of possibilities. Even the clouds seemed to be dotted with stars now that he was close enough to see them. The tower nearby didn’t seem dangerous with the surroundings feeling so peaceful. Though that was probably a trap, all of Nocturn’s power was tied up in sleep. Getting an enemy fired up and wide awake would just make him have a harder time, wouldn’t it?

“Hmmm. I thought he’d be outside.” Dani crossed her arms, glancing at some of the nearby trees.

“I’m mostly here to see you anyway.”

“Which is why you need to see him! Otherwise you’re just gonna keep grumping about how I’m being corrupted or something.”

He’d like to deny that, but the lie would be pretty obvious. “He has better taste in lairs than takeover plans, at least.”

“There’s a place inside that has a way to see the real stars! The ones out here are nice too though.” Dani brightened at his admission, a little more animated as she pointed out the scattered ‘stardust’ clouds.

“Is that why you stay around here then?”

“That, and no nightmares. Noc can just cut them off before they start if I’m nearby.” she paused, kicking her feet. “It’s really, really nice not having to remember him every time I go to sleep.”

Well, Nocturn couldn’t be all bad if he’d help his poor clone with that. He’d be pretty tempted by a ‘no more nightmare reminders’ offer. “I bet.”

“You still think he’s up to something, don’t you.” her frown burrowed into him so he had to glance away.

“I can’t help it! We didn’t really meet on good terms.” Maybe he was being unfair, but the uncomfortable feeling he always had in the ghost zone combined with that bad history was making him jumpy.

“Do you think I’d lead you into a trap?”

“What? No!”

“Well I’m the one who invited you!”

“Well, yeah, but that doesn’t mean he couldn’t plan something behind your back.”

Dani let out a frustrated groan. “He won’t! You don’t mess with family cuz.”

Danny’s retort died in his throat as Nocturn seemed to melt into visibility behind the smaller half ghost, struggling with the impulse to shove Dani out of the way to protect her.

“Sorry Dani, I was distracted by a particularly interesting set of dreams, I’ll have to show you. I think you’d enjoy them.” Nocturn seemed to have no such difficulties, speaking easily and giving her a warm smile. “Did you fly far?”

“You bet!” she nodded before glancing back. “Brought someone back while I was at it.”

Danny’s pulse quickened when the lanky ghost finally took notice of him. Had he really just...not noticed he was right there?

“Ah, your wayward cousin.” the dream ghost gave a small nod. “I expect you had an uneventful trip then?”

“Yeah, sorry if you were expecting any gossip.”

“A safe trip is the best news you could deliver regardless.” he messed with her hair, earning a hug before she pulled away.

“Nuh uh, you’re a total snoop Noc.”

Maybe he’d been a bit of a jerk for expecting something worse. They just seemed...happy. Really he just felt like he was intruding at the moment.

“Only while people sleep.” there was a hint of a laugh, but when his red eyes caught Danny again it died out. “Is there an occasion for the visit?”

Dani rolled her eyes, glancing back at Danny and his stiff posture. “Trying to get someone to relax already. Sheesh cuz, your brick wall impression is great.”

“Sorry,” he let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. The first impulse that he had to protect his clone had passed with the two ghosts interacting in a friendly matter, but he couldn’t quite dismiss Nocturn as a potential threat.

“Don’t be. I am aware our previous meeting made an unfavourable impression.” No apology for the attack was in those words. That, and Dani had made it pretty clear he wouldn’t be getting one either. How did ghosts just think that putting  people at risk was no big deal?

“That’s an understatement.” Dani’s scowl at his words only earned her one of his own back. “I had to use Dash as a weapon of mass destruction. It wasn’t a good day, okay?”

“Yeah, but we’re not even close to Amity and you’re still being tetchy.”

“Don’t be so hard on your cousin, Dani. He wouldn’t have made it this long without that kind of caution.”

He hadn’t really expected Nocturn to come to his defense. Great, now he felt like even more of a jerk for still wanting to punch the ghost in the face. “Uhh. Thanks?”

“I guess. Should we hold off on exploring more till another time then?” She was looking at both of them now. 

“...Yeah. I should be getting back.” Admitting it made the guilt worse, but the itching need to be away and back to his home made the idea of staying any longer sound like torture. Even if there’d be an accurate set of stars to look at.

“You are welcome at any time, though Dani does tend to roam. Safe travels.” There was no judgement from the older ghost, only a sort of understanding look.

This ghost of all people knowing how he felt better than himself was disquieting. He settled for a stiff nod before turning to take flight at his top speed. The sooner all that was behind him the better. Questioning how his feelings towards the whole situation might be more his ghost half than human half talking just wasn’t something he wanted to be thinking about right now. Later maybe, when he wasn’t this on edge.

[iwillphysicallyfiteyou]

My Therapist, Dr. Logan Robinson (Prolouge)

Summary: Logan looks over his clients.

Pairing: None

CW: I’m going to be completely honest, if you need any content warnings then this probably isn’t the story for you. This is an entire series about mental health and addiction, so it’s going to have quite a bit of heavy content.

Just an FYI: Roman and Virgil’s forms are different because they are in different programs.

LOGAN

April 8th, 2019

I take a sip from my black coffee as I sit down on my desk. A breeze from the open window next to me causes me to shiver. I carefully set my coffee down and pick up a packet from a stack of papers on my desk.

Name (Last, First, Middle): Fairfax Roman Troy

Age: 20 Date of Birth: August 11th, 1999

Address: 39027 Wall Street

Orlando FL 32812

Work Phone: (407)456-3905 Cell: (407)576-2957

Have you been treated here before? Yes

What problem/s bring you to the Flordia Psychiatric Clinic: My manic depression and addiction are taking over my life.

Look at the pink sheet and write down any symptoms from that sheet that you are currently having problems with.

Irritability, anger, depressed mood, euphoric or elevated mood, mood swings, decreased need for sleep, anxiety, fear of losing control, weight loss, hearing or seeing things others cannot, and pressure to keep talking.

Have you received any inpatient or outpatient psychiatric care, counseling, therapy, or psychiatric medication management? Please describe below.

Date: June 6th, 2018 For what problem?: Mania What type of treatment?: Inpatient

Date: July 19th, 2018 For what problem?: Depression What type of treatment?: Inpatient

Date: October 7th, 2018 For what problem?: Mania What type of treatment?: Therapy

Date: October 11th, 2018 For what problem?: Addiction What type of treatment?: Inpatient

Date: December 12th, 2018 - December 21st, 2018 For what problem?: Addiction What type of treatment?: Outpatient

Date: March 6th, 2019 For what problem?: Anxiety and Depression What type of treatment?: Therapy

Date: April 7th, 2019 For what problem?: Addiction What type of treatment?: Inpatient

What medications have you been treated with?

Lithium, Anticonvulsant, and currently Risperidone.

Substance Abuse History

Substance: Coke Age Started: 16 Last use: April 7th, 2019 Amount: 65 mg

Look at your blue sheet. Write down any and all symptoms you have experienced.

Using in situations that could be dangerous (driving a car). Legal problems. Recurrent social problems. Needing more and more to get the same effect. Withdrawal symptoms.Taking more than you planned. Wanting, or trying unsuccessfully, to cut back or quit. Knowing that it was harming your physical or mental health and taking it anyway. Doing things that violate your own personal code of ethics (lying, stealing).

Weight and Eating Habits

Current Weight: 138 lbs. Highest: 155 lbs. Lowest: 138 lbs.

Are you happy with your current weight: No.

Do you have an intense fear of becoming fat? No.

Have you ever restricted your eating below 1000 calories/day? No.

Do you ever binge or lose control of how much you eat? No.

Do you ever intentionally vomit after eating? No.

Do you ever use laxatives, diuretics, or other drugs to lose weight? No.

Have you had a significant weight gain in the past 6 months? No.

Have you had a significant weight loss in the past 6 months? Yes.

Safety

Do you feel safe in your current environment? Yes.

If no, please state your concerns.

Look at your green sheet. Please write down any symptoms you have.

Dry mouth, nose bleeding, nasal congestion, headache, nausea, vomiting, and dilated pupils.

Looks like Roman is back inpatient. I really need to visit him today, I can probably fit in a visit at 2 pm, maybe at 4 pm if I have a lot of paperwork. I grab another packet.

Date: April 7th, 2019

Name (Last, first, middle): Finegan Patton Seth Age: 31

Address: 29574 Sunset Street

Orlando FL 32803

Work Phone: (321)645-3958 Cell Phone: (321)893-2934

What issue(s) bring(s) you to the Florida Psychiatric Clinic? Anxiety is getting in the way of work, social life, and home life.

What has been stressing you out of late? The thought of not being a good enough dad.

Look at your pink sheet. Please write down any symptoms you’re experiencing.

Loss of energy, appetite change, difficulty concentrating, anxiety, sleep problems, loss of interest in activities, feeling helpless/hopeless, upsetting reoccurring thoughts, and feeling guilty.

Have you been diagnosed with a mental health condition by a medical provider (if so, please list them)? Yes, generalized anxiety and depression.

Have you ever been seen by a psychiatrist or therapist/counselor? Please list and describe.

Date seen, and by whom:  Every Wednesday from February 13th, 2019 - April 3rd, 2019. Dr. Logan Robinson For what problem?: Anxiety and depression What treatment?: Therapy

Have you ever been hospitalized for psychiatric care? Please list and describe.

On October 9th, 2018 I was taken inpatient at the Florida Psychiatric Center.

Date seen, and by whom: October 9th, 2019 - October 11th, 2019. Dr. Kelly Johnson and Dr. Logan Robinson. Where, and for what?: Florida Psychiatric Center What treatment?: Inpatient

What psychiatric meds have you taken? Zoloft.

Substance Abuse

Have you ever abused ANY substances? No.

If yes, what was the substance?

Safety

Do currently have thoughts of hurting yourself? Yes/no Please explain.

Have you tried to hurt yourself in the past? Yes/no If so, please explain.

Burning arms and legs.

Have you tried to hurt anyone in the past? Yes/no If so, please explain.

Do you own any weapons? Yes/no

Patton’s back inpatient? This packet is pretty vague, I’m going to have to call the center to find out exactly why he’s inpatient. Or I could just go there and ask him, which seems like the best option.

I look back at the stack of papers before my eyes look onto a specific one.

Doyle is inpatient? Oh, he seems to be outpatient. But why is he on an outpatient program when it’s pretty clear that he doesn’t actually have an anxiety disorder, instead low functioning anti-social personality disorder? Why is he still my patient, I specialize in anxiety, not this.

Date: April 7th, 2019

Name (Last,first, middle):  Age: 25

Address: Drake Will Doyle

Work Phone: (407)495-2945 Cell Phone: (407)564-2049

What issue(s) bring(s) you to the Florida Psychiatric Clinic? Problems within home and social life.

What has been stressing you out of late? An inability to effectively communicate with others.

Look at your pink sheet. Please write down any symptoms you’re experiencing. History of violent behavior, problems at home, problems at work, relationship problems, irritability, anger, and poor impulse control.

Have you been diagnosed with a mental health condition by a medical provider (if so, please list them)? Anti-social personality disorder.

Have you ever been seen by a psychiatrist or therapist/counselor? Please list and describe.

Date seen, and by whom: Every other Tuesday from October 11th, 2016 - February 12th, 2019. Dr. Logan Robinson.  For what problem?: Anxiety What treatment?: Therapy

Have you ever been hospitalized for psychiatric care? Please list and describe. No.

Date seen, and by whom:  Where, and for what?:  What treatment?:

What psychiatric meds have you taken? None.

Have you ever abused ANY substances? Yes.

If yes, what was the substance? From ages 12 to 13 abused Zoloft.

Safety

Do currently have thoughts of hurting yourself? Yes/no Please explain.

Have you tried to hurt yourself in the past? Yes/No If so, please explain.

Have you tried to hurt anyone in the past? Yes/No If so, please explain.

Used to beat people up in high school.

Do you own any weapons? Yes/No

I’m not sure if this program will help him, but it’s worth a try I guess. I can definitely go down there to talk to him, but he also needs someone that’s specialized in this area. From what I can tell he wants help, he’s just not getting the right treatment for him.

I put his packet to the side and pick up the last inpatient/outpatient packet.

Interesting, it’s from a patient that I haven’t had yet. And he’s under eighteen, that’ll be new.

Demographics

Name of the person completing this form: Valerie Torres Barsotti

Relationship to the child: Mother

Child’s Full Legal Name: Virgil Zane Barsotti

Is there another name the child prefers being called? Virge

Child’s Date of Birth: 01/20/2004

Age: 15

Gender: Male

Race: Caucasian

Religion: None

Is the child adopted? Yes/No

If yes, are they aware? Yes/No

Who Lives in the Same Household of the Child?

Name                                 Gender      Age    Relationship to the Child

Valerie Torres Barsotti       Female       37       Mother

William West Barsotti        Male           39       Father

Joan Zach Barsotti            Nonbinary  17       Brother

What are the main concerns that you have about your child?

He’s extremely anxious and moody. He’s very dramatic and is too scared to talk to people. We have to bribe him to go outside of his room.

How long have you had these concerns?

Two years now.

What are your goals for treatment of your child?

To get him to be less anxious and scared, and to live life to his full potential.

Look at the purple sheet provided. Please write down any symptoms that apply to your child.

Sad or depressed mood, withdrawn from family or friends, loss of interest in activities or hobbies, feelings of guilt or worthlessness, feeling hopeless about the future, sleep disturbance, change in appetite, low energy or fatigue, trouble focusing or concentrating, irritability, fear of looking stupid or being embarrassed, habits the child feels they must do even if he/she knows it does not make sense, and thoughts, feelings or pictures that come into the child’s mind even if he does not want them to, easily loses temper, argues with authority figures, and easily annoyed.

Traumatic Experiences: Has your child had to go through anything traumatic? Yes/No

Medication

Please list any medications your child is currently taking: None.

Please list any medications your child is has taken in the past: None.

Social History

Name of Child’s Current School: Lincoln High School

Current Grade: Sophomore (10th)

Did your child repeat any grades?: No

Is the child in any special ed classes?: No

Has the child ever been suspended or expelled? Yes

Does the child get bullied by peers? Yes

Has the child been arrested? Yes

What hand does the child prefer to use? Left   Right   No Preference

Interesting, Virgil will definitely be my first priority. Since I don’t have any sessions scheduled for today I can always see if I can miss the ten o’clock meeting so I can meet with him right away. Based off of the sticky note on the packet he seems to be technically outpatient, but it is during the school day so he’s going to be spending hours there every single day until they decide he’s stable enough to decrease his time there until he eventually leaves altogether.

Well, then it’s final, I’m going to call and cancel a meeting.

[otdderamin]

Transcript Ep84 1:11:11 Hallway drinking party + analysis of Percy’s current mental health

NOTE: Making conjectures about anyone's mental health from purely observational information is inherently flawed. I emphatically suggest you don't do so for real people. It can cause us to make incorrect assumptions about them, misinterpret their intentions, incorrectly assess their abilities, or invite bias against them. I'm also very wary of psychological assessments for fictional characters. But sometimes a character’s actions only make sense when you understand their psychology, and it is for that reason that I’m sharing my assessment of Percy.

Many people have enough direct or indirect experience with depression and anxiety to empathize with them. They may influence who a person is, but in a mostly reliable way. You expect Vax to be mostly gloomy. You expect Keyleth to over-analyze everything. It's very hard for most people to empathize with bipolar disorder precisely because it can put a person's behavior all over the map. It's harder to spot the signs of since it keeps the person in so much flux. If you start to get a read on someone, and then they do something totally opposite of what you’d expect, it’s easy to doubt that your analysis. That said, this is only a well educated guess, I believe it's a useful guess, but it could be incorrect.

In Talks Machina Ep3 0:56:56, Taliesin says death left Percy, “feeling very committed to his current manic phase that he’s going through. There will probably be a, you know, a depressive phase at the end of this." Those two sentences use psychiatric language implying bipolar disorder, which Percy’s behavior is consistent with (painfully so, at times). He started out the broadcast fairly stable, but rapidly deteriorated into a mixed state (plus PTSD) when the Briarwoods were reintroduced. Mixed affective state is the most unpredictable and dangerous; consider the worst thoughts attached to depression with an abundance of nervous energy and lack of impulse control. He started stabilizing again after Whitestone was restored. But his role in killing Vex in Ep44 sent him into depression. He bottomed out in Ep57. Looking for help from the Raven Queen at all was a sure sign of desperation from a guy that’s largely ignored the gods. But more significant is the walk home. Casting hex on himself is the only deliberate act of self half from any of the characters so far, and he did it directly after talking to death herself. His mood markedly improved after that.

Ep84 is the first time we've seen Percy depressed since Ep64, while showing Vax the Raven Queen's Temple. In those 16 days, Vax has started coming out of his gloom. But that's not what we see in Percy's behavior. In Talks Machina Ep3 (0:56:45, post-Ep76), a fan said Percy "seems in better humors", and Taliesin explicitly referred to it as Percy's "current manic phase" (0:56:56). I think Percy can feel the edges of it in Ep64, anxious distress pushing him to very earnestly ask Vax not to trust him (1:56:32). It starts really showing itself when Ripley came back into the picture (Ep66). His expression of distress, through Ep68, shows classic signs of mania (compounded with PTSD): racing thoughts, rapid talking in Ep67, agitation, trouble focusing on required tasks, and obsessive focus. The way he handles Raishan in Ep70 shows a marked increase in self-esteem and reïnforces the hyper-focus. The way he kissed Vex in Ep72 showed even more marked self-esteem, increase in goal-oriented behavior, and, given his insecurity, increased risk-taking. The most dangerous manifestation was in Ep73 when he asked if they should protect Whitestone (1:37:28), was told no, and then stabbed Raishan (1:45:44). That is squarely in the ranks of a sense of grandiosity, racing thoughts, being overly goal-oriented, and "excessive involvement in activates with a high potential for painful consequences." (DSM-5). Which is also why he came up short explaining his actions. It seemed like a good idea in the high of the moment, but it's obviously a bad idea in hindsight. The mania backed off a bit after that, but it's the restless energy that pervaded his actions under pressure up until now.

But in this scene, we see that mood starting to crash. He’s still showing manic signs. He says he’s very tired in both Ep83 and Ep84 (0:50:11), but still stays up until 3 am. He’s aware that his ideas for pranking Scanlan might be impulsive and poor judgement, so he asks Pike to check him. But we see increasingly more signs of depression. His inflated self-esteem starts crumbling back to self-recrimination. The guilt and hopelessness start crashing in again. His agitation changes from a restlessness to do things into bitterness. We see him struggling to concentrate and be articulate (1:15:24). His preoccupation with death turns back towards his personal relationship with it (rather than outward towards Ripley, Raishan, and Thordak). This is the only episode where it was stated that he drank so heavily he can’t entirely remember the night before. Which could be a worrying symptom, but could also just be the release of that night.

Mania can be exacerbated by intense pressure. The need to react quickly and decisively tends to push the mind that way and keep it there. But once that pressure is gone, one tends to crash. If you think of mood like a wave, shorter cycles and higher amplitudes are both more dangerous and positively reinforce each other. So, if this was a fast and bad cycle up, there's a good chance that his mood will crash down quickly and badly (it might not, and further pressure could influence it). It's also possible that the sheer size of the stakes they've been playing for made Percy's manic cycle look worse than it really was. Any unnecessary risk taking could so easily end in such a huge disaster for them, or pay huge dividends. I do believe Taliesin in Talks Machina Ep3 (0:57:35), when he says that Percy's healthier than he was, but also, and importantly, that he isn't healthy.

Layered on top of his fluctuating mood are important changes in his outlook: he's become more emotionally open with his friends, he's increasingly feeling like he doesn't have control of or choice in the direction of his life, and he's become increasingly mistrustful of things like magic if he can't see how they work.

He was so closed off through the Whitestone arc that his friends could barely help him, even though he was in tremendous distress. Vex was the only one who got through to him at all. In his quiet conversations with Vax (Ep32 2:42:42, Ep44 1:15:21, and Ep64 1:51:03) he held a lot back, though a lot less in Ep64. There's a marked difference in how earnest he was in Ep67 1:36:46 when he tells Vex and Vax his fears about Ripley and himself. His conversation with Vex in the woods in Ep72 is similarly open. But we've never seen him as desperately frank as he is in this hallway (that openness leading to his tirade in Ep85).

Percy has a lot of interesting control issues. He's generally fine letting things, people, or situations be. He doesn't mind things being a mess around him and he has no constant need to bring order to things. But in high-stakes situations, combat, negotiations, and other things that scare him, he "is very much about the idea of creating bubbles of control" (Talks Machina Ep8 Twitch 0:54:58, bottom of the article). Magic has had a huge influence in controlling his life lately, but he has no basis to understand how it works, his way of trusting things, and he has no way to assert control over it. So, his reaction is to push it away entirely.

Rule of Whitestone is weighing more and more heavily on him. In Ep24 (0:20:09), while telling Vox Machina about Whitestone and the coup, he says, "I had nothing in my life other than my family. I was never really going to inherit anything. I wasn't going to run anything. I was idle." Julius and Vesper handled matters of court. Everything he's said about his early history suggest he had no interest in rule and probably not much specific training. His mental disorders make him inherently unreliable. He might learn to manage that better, but he'll never be free of it. Part of Percy's ego is a constant need to prove that he's more clever and capable than other people. So, to find himself in a role he's ill-prepared for would be a tremendous source of anxiety. When Cassandra asks him to commit to helping her run Whitestone (Ep73 52:36), he deflects, and his anxiety is palpable. In Talks Machina Ep5 (Alpha 1:05:55 for Ep78), Taliesin was asked how he felt about Percy and Cassandra's relationship. He says, "[Cassandra] is a representation of everything he's been ignoring while he's been out finding himself. He has been out finding himself, and he has discovered that he really likes that person, and is horrified that he may have to go back. He does not want to go back. He will go back. Probably-Maybe. Probably. Possibly. Who knows? But he's- yeah. She is a stunning example of his guilt, and everything that he has done wrong in his life, and every time he looks at her he is painfully aware of his own weakness, and is so guilty, so guilt ridden. He's not over that at all."

He's thankful to have his home back, but it's also an external reminder of the coup that may be causing him a lot of unspoken pain because of his PTSD (Cassandra as well, and I think he knows that). We don't actually know a lot about the events of that night, so we can't be sure how much of his guilt is appropriate, disproportionate, or delusional. We do know that a component of what he's feeling is survivor's guilt, given that he says, "I just… miss an awful lot of people, that's all. And I don't understand how we get to choose." (1:16:27) Staying in Whitestone, however much he loves the place, means resigning himself to a pained life he has little temperament or experience to do well in. So, it's significant that he sits in this hallway, this night, and says, "I know my life isn't my own. My life is all of yours. My life is my sister's. My life is, this castle's. My life ended." Vox Machina has been an escape from all of this, a chance to live his life on his terms for the first time. Now he's looking down the road and seeing, intellectually, that he'll have to give up that freedom. He's resigned to it, but he hasn't accepted it in any healthy way or he wouldn't say, "My life ended." Not that he'll have to restructure or make accommodations in his life, but that his role in his life is over.

This isn't that that different from Vax first resigning himself to being in the control of the Raven Queen as her champion. Vax was placed in that position by fate rather than will. Vax has been able to learn that that he's quite competent in that mantle, however much trepidation he still holds for his future. But Percy knows enough about what will be required of him to also know that it will never come naturally to him. All he bleakly sees is another mask to put on, to live for years as someone he's not, and never could be. The pain of this resignation is largely why Percy lashes out at Scanlan in Ep85.

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 Transcript method notes: http://otdderamin.tumblr.com/post/153539301510/a-note-on-my-transcription-method

 Scene runs: 1:11:12 to 1:31:03 https://youtu.be/KiGoxBJQ_I0?t=4272

 [Everyone starts out understandably upset, through the resurrection ritual. When it succeeds, most of their moods lift with relief. Percy's doesn't. He looks more introspective. His words drag, trying to resolve the last details needed to let Scanlan rest and recover.]

0:50:11 Percy: "I am going to go back to the castle, sit down, take this off, and, I think, sleep for a long while."

0:50:20 Marisha: "Yeah, what time of day is it?"

0:50:22 Matt: "At this time… the arrival here… it's pushing past sunset, I'm pretty sure. Or if not, it's probably early night, with the hour it took for the ritual."

…

[Kerrek and Grog started drinking in the hallway outside Scanlan's room, Ker trying to press Grog for information about resurrection rituals. Pike just joined them in the hallway. Ker went to get more alcohol.]

1:11:12 Matt, indicating Taliesin: "So, you wander in."

1:11:13 Taliesin: "Yes."

1:11:14 Matt: "Kerrek wandered away."

1:11:15 Taliesin: "I'm going to wander into the room,"

Percy salutes Grog and Pike sitting in the hallway outside Scanlan's room, drinking.

1:11:16 Taliesin: "with a nod, and just sit for a moment."

1:11:20 Grog, suspiciously pointing at Percy: "Wait! Prove that you're you."

1:11:23 Percy, studies Grog, scrutinizing the idea.

1:11:25 Percy, slowly, wistfully: "No…"

1:11:27 Grog, nodding, satisfied, "It's you."

1:11:27 Percy, slightly relieved: "Thank you."

Percy takes a drink and sighs.

(1:11:39 Taliesin, laughing: "I love you so much.")

1:11:41 Matt: "Alright, so you sit for a bit. Ker eventually returns with a second bottle of matching alcohol. Unopened though. The same-"

1:11:48 Pat, mimicking holding up two bottles: "Two! Two! Two hands!"

1:11:51 Matt: "Oh! So you go for a third bottle as well."

1:11:54 Pat: "Yes."

1:11:54 Matt: "Two unopened bottles of the same brackish liquor."

1:12:00 Percy sighs, clearly reflecting on something.

1:12:01 Pat: "And I'll pass one to both of the people that I was not drinking with before. I'll pass them off."

1:12:11 Matt: "Okay, so, Pike and Percival, you have a fresh bottle jammed into your hand."

1:12:14 Pike, singsong: "One for me!"

1:12:17 Percy: "I'll be passing this around a bit." He takes a drink, and salutes them with the bottle. "Mmm."

1:12:24 Pike, excitedly sitting up and smiling: "Should we all sit on the bed around Scanlan like a slumber party?"

1:12:28 Grog, deliberating in a high voice: "Is that creepy?"

1:12:30 Percy, dispirited: "Honestly, I'm thinking about going through his things. So, no, I don't think it is."

Pike and Grog laugh.

1:12:33 Grog, satisfied: "Well. Okay."

1:12:36 Matt: Makes a fart noise. "Scanlan is definitely alive.

They laugh, most heartily. But Percy falls back to a low mood far before the others stop laughing.

1:12:49 Pike, warmly: "What were you guys talking about, out there? If I can be so rude to ask?"

1:12:53 Grog: "Oh, us?"

1:12:54 Ker: "Uh… The liquor… is has, uh, fabulous brackish notes."

1:12:58 Grog, in his high dishonest voice: "Yep. Notes of brack."

1:13:03 Pike, laughing, seeing through him: "Great. Great."

1:13:05 Percy, without real pride: "Thank you. We make it here."

1:13:07 Grog, excitedly to Pike: "We were, um- I was also- talking about what a great job you do. Apparently, you're really rare."

1:13:16 Pike: "What do you mean?"

1:13:17 Grog, with admiration: "Apparently, you and your resurrections, they don't always work. Which is amazing."

1:13:25 Pike, matter of fact: "They don't always work."

Percy subtly flinches.

1:13:27 Grog, impressed: "I didn't know that!"

1:13:28 Pike: "They don't. We've been very fortunate. We've been very fortunate… What did you- why do you ask, Ker?"

1:13:39 Ker: "I've never actually seen anything like that before. It was quite an experience. Am I still wearing my armor?"

1:13:50 Pat: "I might actually ask that out loud."

1:13:53 Matt: "And he is! He's still wearing his armor, unwashed. A few of you have gotten washed," Taliesin nods, indicating himself, Travis shakes his head "A few or you are still going over the events of the day. Grog is not washed."

1:14:04 Ashley: "Not yet."

1:14:05 Laura: "Grog never washes!"

1:14:06 Matt: "Yeah."

1:14:06 Travis: "Parfum du Grog."

1:14:07 Laura pretends to gag.

1:14:08 Matt: "So yeah, he is still wearing his armor."

1:14:09 Pat: "You get the marvelous spectacle of a slightly older, slightly portly man shrugging out of a full suit of chain mail. It's entertaining. And then just dumps it on the floor, and then the padding underneath."

Kerrek sighs in relief.

1:14:39 Grog: "That's a lot of shit you wear, man."

1:14:42 Ker, deadpan: "You know, what I forgot over all these years? Like, the sweat gathers in your ass."

The others laugh in agreement. Percy barely manages a laugh in contrast. His fidgeting suggests increasing agitation.

1:14:51 Grog: "Right. Yeah."

1:14:53 Pike: "Swamp ass."

1:14:54 Marisha, laughing hard: "Swamp ass."

1:14:55 Pike: "Swamp ass."

1:14:55 Marisha, laughing hard: "Butt crack. Yeah…"

1:14:56 Pike: "It's a thing."

1:14:57 Marisha: "It sucks."

1:14:57 Ker: "You'd think that I would remember, but, no. I had forgotten that."

1:15:04 Pike: "It just drips right in."

1:15:05 Percy, deadpan: "I forget, and then suddenly I remember, that I met you all in a prison cell."

1:15:15 Pike, fondly: "I remember very well.

1:15:16 Percy: laughs mirthlessly.

1:15:19 Percy, sadly, "It's not fair, is it?"

1:15:21 Grog asks, "What?"

1:15:24 Percy, increasingly downcast, struggling for words: "Well, just one day… You lose so many people, and then just one day you just stop. And at what point in your life, it just…? You decide that suddenly, for no reasons, it just… You're just not allowed to die yet. You're just- Your life isn't your own anymore. Suddenly, you've done what you were supposed to do, and now you're back, and… it's just not yours anymore, is it? And what of everybody else? It's not fair. Any of it. … I don't know." He takes another drink, and starts drinking more often.

1:16:04 Grog, puzzled and inquisitive: "What? You don't think your life is your own?"

1:16:07 Percy, emphatically, tinged with distress: "I know my life isn't my own. My life is all of yours. My life is my sister's. My life is, "he looks around like he's feeling trapped, "this castle's." He takes a long drink. "My life ended."

1:16:24 Pike, concerned: "Do you feel-"

1:16:27 Percy, with a pained smile: "I am very glad to be here." He laughs grimly, then continues sadly. "I just… miss an awful lot of people, that's all. And I don't understand how we get to choose."

1:16:42 Grog, with dawning understanding: "Oh…"

1:16:47 Pike, consolingly: "I understand."

1:16:48 Percy: "I know."

1:16:50 Grog, whispering to Pike: "I just got it, too."

1:16:52 Pike, whispering to Grog: "Yeah."

1:16:52 Percy: "I know you don't, Grog. I'm so grateful that you don't."

1:16:57 Percy sighs, staring at the bottle in thought a few moments. Then raises it in a toast.

1:17:00 Percy: "To the unyielding unfairness of the universe."

1:17:03 Grog: "Yep! Raising drinks."

They all raise their drinks.

1:17:04 Liam: "I'm not even here, and I'm raising it."

1:17:06 Marisha: "Yeah, I'll- cheers to that."

1:17:07 Liam: "Fuckin' a."

1:17:08 Ker: "I'll drink."

1:17:12 Percy, taking a long pull: "And that it decided that we get to keep this bastard." With a wry, rueful smile, "Hardly fair."

[Percy instigates pranking Scanlan, his tone one of affection.]

1:18:09 Taliesin: "I don't know if Percy is that… has that much of a lack of propriety. I'm really debating, though. How much have we had to drink?"

1:18:18 Matt: "Well, that's up to you. Other members of this room have gotten quite drunk."

…

[They prank Scanlan, dressing him in one of Pike's nightgowns and smearing pudding on him.]

1:21:48 Taliesin: "I'm going to smear some of [the pudding] on his forehead so he can read it in the mirror, backwards, it's just going to say, 'No. Never.'"

…

[Kerrek helps them tie Scanlan up.]

1:23:23 Matt: "Yeah. Alright. And with the presentation complete, your… diorama con Scanlan, the evening draws late. Now probably a good two thirty, three o'clock in the morning on completion."

1:23:40 Percy: "It is time for sleep."

…

[The next morning.]

1:30:29 Matt: "Kerrek now wanders in, very hungover."

1:30:32 Percy: "Good morning."

1:30:34 Pat: "Yeah… Very… Yeah… I look every bit as old as I am."

1:30:42 Grog: "Yeah! Swamp ass!"

1:30:46 Pike, cheerily: "Hey!"

1:30:48 Grog: "Are we not…?

1:30:52 Keyleth: "Swamp ass?"

1:30:52 Pike: "I remember!"

1:30:52 Percy, looking confused: "I don't remember, what?"

1:30:54 Pike: "He was talking about his butt getting sweaty."

1:30:57 Percy, hazily recalling it: "Oh. That got weird, didn't it?"

1:31:00 Pike: "It happens."

1:31:01 Percy grimaces like he's still trying to come to terms with the morning, and probably hung over.

 1:31:03