#i guess it was jsut a matter of being motivated

[ganondoodle]

I am sorry to hear that the depression has stolen your spark.

I want you to know that you are the sole reason I gave Skyward Sword a chance. Your art was so beautiful and compelling that I just had to know about the media it came from.

Your art introduced me to an incredible community that years later, I am still benefitting from. Your art was the gateway, and I've always been thankful to you for that.

I hope your spark realights, and I hope you can kick depression right in its ass.

i- i did that????? qoq

yes im reviving old reaction pictures

i hope im not ruining the mood bc .. this legitimately made me tear up and i kept thinking of this ever since receiving the ask-

but bc i cant keep my mouth shut (i apologize if you are already well aware of all this i just .. like to talk i guess), i ... idk i have said this before but i feel incredibly conflicted about demise (am i allowed to like him??? do i even like him when i changed him so much??? am i a fraud fan????) and the game he comes from, i .. dont actually like skyward sword that much, or, not as much as it may seem like (my favorite is windwaker, second is botw), every now and then i even feel guilty for demise being my blorbo tm- as much as i love him im under no illusion what his introduction to the series did, the games lore is not .. great, it seems to have kickstarted the decline of the series writing and completely torpedoed any sort of fandom discussion by making zelda a literal reincarnation of the good tm gods of love and light and peace and everything good tm uwu and pit her against an evil demonnnnn that just crawled out the earth one day (??) and was only evil and bad and dark and hate incarnate an hated the good tm gods bc hes jsut so eviiiil, it gave rise to the utter dissmissal of any sort of ganondorf related discussions (funny how it only seems to apply to ganondorf, and none of the other villains hmmmmmmmmmmmm) bc, while not confirmed confirmed (though the fandom likes to pretend that), hes now widely seen as a reincarnation of demise and thus, doesnt need nuance or be given any grace or thought bc apparently when you say someone is a demon (or its reincarnation, which i dont believe ganondorf is, to be clear) that means its fine to not give them any thought bc demons are just evil tm and thats ok and good writing actually (wat????)

(if you take skysw as canonically how it all went down bc my interpretation makes it all be a fabricated lie so the gods can play their little games, there is no godess reincarnation, that was a lie to make way for an opressive kingdom belivieing itself to be irrevocably good no matter what they do etc)

it also cheapens any of the past entries, all of them have been flattened by this, why disscuss ganondorfs motivation lol, he just be a demon/demons puppet, zelda could never be wrong or do bad things bc she literal incarnation of goodness uwu etc- (and then totk, only the second game after skysw, retreads its points and makes it even worse while ALSO trampeling over that game imo)

i dont like saying it, but i do feel a little alienated even from ganondorf fans (i love him too!!!!!) bc they hate demise, and rightfully so, it feels weird having your main blorbo be the reason your second fav is constantly done dirty, why you cant even talk about anything critically bc 'iTs jUst a sIMpLe fAiRytALe' now and part of the reason the lore in general has gone to shit, and i dont know how much i can talk about that before i become an obnoxious 'well ACTUALLY my blorbo, who is the reason for all this, is ALSO done dirty and im gonna explain away the bad stuff via my completely noncanon reinterpretation-' guy, or if i already am what im doing with destiny is like .. my way of trying to fix it and make it interesting again? though at this point i guess im falling into the category of people who change their blorbo so much that there really isnt anythign left of the og, which worries me alot, though i wonder if thats even possible given how little there is to him in the first place, i so often see viral posts that make me feel guilty or conflicted for the way i work with media, "actually my blorbo did all those crimes and thats good you all who need to explain away the bad things are weak and annoying!!" "people who change their favs until they barely resemble the character anymore should just make an oc instead!!"-

i dont know if i take these types of posts too literally, i dont know when or how they apply, but it always circles around in my head, i know not everyone can like what you do, but i want to work with the material i have in an interesting way, not a puritanical way (or however you call that), its not in my mind every second, but it nevertheless makes me doubt what i do with my fanworks anytime i talk about them-

... this wasnt really the point of the message was it ... apologies, i hope not every ask will devolve into a sort of mini rant ;__; i dont mean to invalidate what you said, (and im not saying skyward sword is all bad, its full of charm, from characters to designs, just the lore is .. damaging) it is incredibly touching bc me or my art having a positive impact on people blindsides me every single time like "WHAT??? IMPOSSIBLE you MUST be thinking of someone else, no way i could do that", when something gets brought up my thoughts just kinda start pouring out, i thought about deleting everything i wrote, but then felt like that wouldnt be as genuine anymore (i am not normal tm after all and im long past a point pretending otherwise) and have wasted another hour for nothing, so im gonne leave it in and hope, pray even, it comes across correctly

q-q

[cassyapper]

i am so curious about your pucci thoughts...

I AM SO FUCKING SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG TO GET TO THIS ASK OH MY FUCKING GOD my life has been crazy lately but still i am So Sorry

okay so basically i love pucci we have to kill him. here is a list of my thoughts in no particular order

he makes me so ill like genuinely he is one of the most well written jojo characters ever and DEFINITELY the most well written villain. like holy shit. i think a lot about how weather said the evilest of people are those who think they are good and how that relates to pucci oh my GOD it makes me sick. pucci like many villains are a "ends justify the means" kinda guy like while he was cruel at many points i truly think he was jsut like, yes this is a moment of weakness but it wont matter because im going to fix it. i think aobut how he really thought he was going to save everyone. he was going to save perla. he was going to save dio. he was going to save himself. and thinking baout things from his side, like, oh my god. dio was his only friend. we the audience know that dio groomed him (not necessarily sexually but still grooming) and even though dio did seem to grow to truly care for pucci, he didnt care enough to not use him for his plan to restart the world -- but PUCCI didnt know that. im sure he had inklings and feelings like he's not NAIVE, im sure he KNEW dio was using him at SOME point, but it wouldnt change the fact dio still eventually saw him and was his friend either way. it wouldnt change the fact that he would do this one thing for his only friend, even if his only friend BECAME his friend in the first place just to make him fulfill this task. god dio and pucci's relationship is so insane i hate hate hate that people boil it down to just shipping LIKE THERE WAS RESENTMENT THERE WAS ANGER THERE WAS SO MUCH LOVE AND HALF OF IT WAS LOVE FOR WHAT THE OTHER COULD DO FOR HIM INSTEAD OF JUST HIM HIMSELF . LIKE FUCK'S SAKE im sick of ppl putting a romantic spin on everything and YES this is half me being aromatnic but also COME ON. and that's not even getting into the fact dio and pucci's relationship is supposed to parallel jolyne and jotaro's/jolyne and jonathan's. but anyway

god he loved his sister so much man it makes me sick he jsut wanted her safe man. after everything....i choose to believe his final thoughts were of perla. it's why he was begging for everything he did to have meant SOMETHING -- please let if have meant perla got a good life in whatever universe the world will end up in. i like to believe she did. he won't be there to see it. oh god he wont be there ot see it. fuck. maybe that was for the best in his mind anyway

his drama and tragedy aside he's also the funniest guy in the entire world. why the hell is a catholic priest wearing gucci. well i guess that answers the question but still. he is so fucking funny he is not even subtle about it he is LITERALLY like EOUGH DONT TOUCH MY EXPENSIVE DESIGNER PANTS and then he kicks a cop to his death for it. he's so fucking funny i love him so much. i love that whitesnake is independent enough to have its own personality and he and pucci get into spats sometimes OS FUCKING FUNNY. MFW I ARGUE WITH MY OWN SOUL.

also my disdain for shipping culture aside i cannot deny that pucci is a homophobic homosexual. he and jotaro totally banged a couple times and awkwardly called it off when pucci first sees jotaro's birthmark and he's like oh no. SO FUCKING FUNNY

ugh sorry i jsut want to go back to this point he's so smart he's so Aware of how people work and connect he's always had a fine sense for it (do you believe in gravity...) OUGH like there's no WAY HE DIDN'T KNOW DIO WAS USING HIM BUT HE STILL LOVED DIO AND I THINK BEYOND THAT. I THINK HE TRUY BELIEVED WHAT DIO WAS SAYING. I THINK HE TRULY BELIEVED OKAY EVEN IF DIO HAS HIS OWN MOTIVES HERE, THIS END IS JSUT. SO I WILL KEEP FOLLWOING ALONG. LIKE. I. i truly think he thought this would save everyone, especially perla. ohuogh my god PUCCIIIIIIIIIIIII

in short, he makes me sick we have to kill him. i like him a lot

[randomguy012345]

You know, I've been thinking about this:

If she doesn’t want anyone to know, why tell Alya and Su-Han?

Then I realized a simple answer: They know she is Ladybug. To them, it makes sense why she would have this information.

But Adrien? From his perspective, how could Marinette Dupain-Cheng know about it if only Ladybug lived to tell the tale? Where does her credibility come from?

The real problem is the Iron Rule of this show: Ladybug and Chat Noir can't know each others identities, no matter what. 

Mari telling Adrien about this would most likely result in him realizing that, since officially only Ladybug, Monarch and “Gabe” where there, she is Ladybug. It just wouldn't make sense otherwise from a writing perspective.

While yes, I believe her wrongly thinking not revealing the information to him is better than revealing the truth to him thus hurting him is also part of her motivation (Sidenote: which, truth be told, I’m really not in a position to judge her for considering all the times I myself withheld information for the exact same reason when I was her age; teenage minds just don’t work like our matured adult brains), her lying to him in order to not reveal her identity does fit with what has been established throughout the show. After all, it wouldn’t be the first time they lied to each other to protect their identities.

I see this as part of the larger problem that, due to the Iron Rule, they can never be 100% honest with each other as the unvierse (aka the writers) is not willing to have them get away with knowing each others identities, no matter how much better it would be for their relationship (if I had to wager a guess, probably for inter-relationship conflicts starting next season; truth be told, it’s what I would do in their position).

Though the more I think about it, I also just can’t see Adrien not being in denial about it if/when the truth is revealed in a later finale (seriously, I highly doubt Lila will just forever sit on that juice information and not use it against Mari). Like, as of right now, I’m convinced he ain’t gonna jsut accept it as a fact, no questions asked.

I guess, we’ll have to wait for the future. After all, while this might be the end of the “Villain Gabe”-era, since it’s not the end of the show. Nothing in this finale should be treated like it’s 100% never gonna be revisited again. Unless I’m the one in denial, this is just not that kind of show.

I just realised she mentions the basement and the wedding ring. She definitely remembers it was Gabriel and has told Alya and Su-Han. Sigh. I'm done hoping Marinette has had her memories changed. She's just lying to Adrien.

[scarredbyxhellfire-blog]

i’m literally never here but the five-year anniversary of me making dean was yesterday so that’s neat.

i made dean when i was a freshman in high school. now i’m a sophomore in college. how fuckin wild is that

[elle-smells]

I watched Bare The musical for the first time...

ok Honestly, as a musical and as a separate thing, it's not bad. Before anyone says anything, I think I get what it was trying to achieve with bullying (and social media) playing a big role in the development of the characters, I saw it and I am very aware. Anyways yeah as a musical, It's got a coherent plot, the songs are catchy and good, it flows well, I guess it works for what it is, so it is by no means a horrible show. However, as Bare? that's where I have more thoughts:

What I liked --

once again, songs were not bad, I would listen to them again.

Jason's little phone call with his Father, we get to have more moments alone with just him.

I appreciate that they tried to fix some of the stereotype-y things in the og. For example, Sister Chantelle was rewritten and not made into a typical sassy black woman. There is no "there is a black woman inside of every gay man". (she could've still been POC tho. there are ways to write a black woman that doesn't make her fall into that trope)

Nadia's duet with Ivy was cool. It added to layers to them.

I didn't exactly mind that Role of a Lifetime was given to Jason instead of Peter. It works for where they put it in the timeline of the show and actually, I think it would've been interesting if the Pop Opera had Jason sing a reprise of this song.

Overall, some of these little changes worked for the way they wrote the show.

Now, things I didn't like --

THE LACK OF RELIGION. One of the things Bapo does well is showing how the characters' faith plays a role in how they see themselves and the world. All the references to god, to praying, literally all of Epiphany, are almost entirely gone in the musical apart from a few exceptions. I felt like it was really lacking in this element that gave the original some of its heart and soul

Peter's coming out to his mom. See Me is such a good moment in the show. I missed it here

Idk, the length of Peter and Jason's relationship still matters so much to me. I wrote about this in another post but the fact that it's all built up frustration over years of hiding and telling each other that they would finish the journey how they started it, together, adds a whole other layer to each of their motivations and desires.

They butchered Portrait of a girl and I am SAD. They just took away Ivy's moment with that song and kept making her someone who is "not satisfied" bcs "oh I wish (Matt) being nice was enough for me"...why just why. Because that's not the point of Ivy's character at all or the point of this song in the original I-

They took away Nadia and Jason's moment in Plain Jane fatass (a song they didn't have at all but ok I get it). Their little sibling bickering and bonding showing how they had each other's backs, how much they cared, how much their parent's affected them. Also, they made Nadia Lucas and I still don't know how I feel about her being the one to give Jason the- yeah

The little plot with the sister and priest felt a little unnecessary, their purpose is to serve as parallels to one another in my mind but...ok

Not to say the Pop Opera is in any way perfect, because it's not and we all have to admit that it needs some change. But I wouldn't do it to the extreme of Bare the musical. I definitely prefer the Pop Opera jsut bcs I think it hits a lot more things better, and at its core, it really is a beautifully crafted show. So yeah, I wouldn't say I absolutely hate the musical but yeah it was just not it for me overall in terms of wanting to see a production of Bare.

[lokiarsene]

More PQ2 liveblog thoughts–this time with no salt!

Ryuji acknowledging that what Kamoshida did wasn’t just physical abuse, and that what he put Ann through was even worse than that, was really refreshing to see, especially since the base game did very little to actually show Ryuji understand and acknowledge and care about Ann’s feelings and what she suffered. Any hope of development he had once Kamoshida was apprehended just went out the window, so kudos, PQ2.

Akechi telling Ryuji and Ann, who are particularly vocal about how much they hate Kamoshida (with good reason!) that he understands how they feel is…. painful. Very painful. Especially since what set them off is how absurd it is to think of a whole city built around the idea that Kamoshida is a hero. Of course Akechi would understand how that feels: the entire country of Japan thinks his piece of shit father is a good man.

I painted a tile red by accident, and Ann chimed in by saying it was a nice color. Of COURSE she’d like the color red. ;_;

I can’t believe I forgot this, but the contrast of Akechi having Bless/Light skills, and Joker having Curse/Dark? I love it. I love it a LOT. To me this is the most clear sign that Akechi really did have the capacity for goodness in him, that if he hadn’t been mistreated and deprived, he’d be the true hero his childhood self clearly wished he could be (see also: Robin Hood). And with that line of thinking, I find it equally fascinating that Ren’s innate talent is Curse/Dark.

I don’t pay much attention to the P5 fandom, but from what little I’ve glimpsed, people seem to have this misconception that Ren is some uwu cinnamon roll, when this is so damn far from the truth I really wonder if these people like,,, actually,,, paid attention to the game they were playing. Ren’s ultimate persona is Satanael. It shoots the Demiurge in the fucking face. His whole shtick is a gentleman rebel intent on purging corruption and impurity from society, and he does this while being affiliated with Dark himself. I think a lot of people, even some Akeshu shippers, may overlook Ren’s own capacity for darkness and controlled viciousness in the name of justice. People who evade the law must be dragged screaming back to the rule of law. There’s a reason why his dynamic with Akechi is as compelling as it is, and it’s because they are absolute equals, cordial rivals with similar powers, motivations, and yes, even inclinations.

I’m just saying, if people are able to see Akechi’s potential for being different/better than what he was, then the same can be said for Ren in the reverse. And by some accounts he really is quite questionable, though I’ve previously discussed the moral ambiguity of forcing a conscience onto the minds/hearts of people instead of allowing them to go to it willingly. Personally I stand with Akechi on the matter–FORCING change on someone, no matter how corrupt they are, is a problem unto itself. But I also agree with Akechi in that some people are so corrupt they just need a good killin’ though, so… y'know. Grain of salt and all.

All-Out Attacks in this are ALSO adorable. God I’m enjoying the look/style of this so much more than I did Q1, weirdly enough.

Boy I did not in any way at all miss Justine and… what’s the other one. Christine? Something? Oh no, it’s Caroline. Whatever. I didn’t miss them, and they are by far the lamest of the Velvet Room attendants. Anyone have any ideas as to why Ren’s VR attendants would be children? Because as far as I know in the other games, except for 2, the VR attendants were some reflection of the Wild Card user themselves. The VR attendant was either someone who would be their peer, someone they could learn from, or, with Yu and Margaret, a guiding figure, stern but helpful. And then Marie showed up so… whatever, I guess. I guess Yu learned how to listen to terrible poetry from a tsundere goth or something? Not sure.

I haven’t quite figured out how/why Justine and Caroline–and then Lavenza–can in any way relate to Ren, and part of me wants to say they were actually meant to be Akechi’s VR attendants if he were a true Wild Card user. Children with two different personalities with a strong sense of justice that doesn’t yield no matter what? That fits Akechi quite well. Those attendants then merging into a gentle but determined, soft-spoken girl who only wishes to find the truth and reveal it? That fits Akechi too. It reflects a gentleness/softness, a purity that he lost too soon.

When I put it that way, I can kinda see how they would fit with Ren, who is also seeking the truth because of his muddled memories (which is so convoluted, oh my god, don’t get me started), but they make so much more sense if I think of them as leftovers that were meant to go to Akechi first. But since Akechi isn’t a Wild Card user…. womp womp.

Mona’s outburst that Ryuji should respect Justine and Caroline, then backpedaling to say no, he doesn’t know them, but [respecting them] “just feels right” is………….. really interesting. He says they have something “unwavering” within them, and when they look at him, he gets the feeling he just has to listen to them–“there’s something deep in my core, this feeling that screams ‘I have to do what they say!’ wells up inside me.” IN TER EST ING.

And FINALLY your whole crew can join you in the Velvet Room! Takes me back to P2 days.

Akechi: “Still, two Personas at the same time? I’m impressed. My hat’s off to you, Ren.” FDJSKLFDSLK AKECHI YOU BRILLIANT MOTHERFUCKER

!!!

AND NOW MY BUDDIES CAN HAVE MULTIPLE PERSONA

FUCK YEAH FUN TIME

And Justine/Caroline speculate that the power of the Wild Card is changing to adapt, since “another with the power of the wild card is here as well.” I’m guessing that refers to the P3 or P4 protag?

After playing other JRPGs, I realized something about the Persona series that stands out and that I really enjoy: how talkative your teammates are. They encourage you, cheer you on, compliment you for an attack, express fear if you’re hurt; they thank you for the help you give them, they comment on how much health or SP they lose–it all feels that much more engaging and exciting.  Plus it’s a small but really special way to show off their personalities and just how they work together as a team.

OH MY GOD

MY GAL MINAKO MAKING THE BEST FUCKING ENTRANCE

THAT’S MY GAL DSJKLAFJSDKL LET ME PUT HER IN MY PARTY DFJSKLFDaaa AND THE BATTLE MUSIC CHANGES TO P3-STYLED MUSIC WHEN SHE’S HERE JKFDSAJKLFSDAJFLSDJFKLSD OH MY GOD I WANT TO CRY

This is the kinda fanservice I live for, idc. The kind of fanservice that is fun and harmless, that just makes the story exciting. Because who doesn’t love a good crossover?

Oh my god hearing the P3 music again makes me want to tear up. Y'all don’t know how special P3 is to me ;_; It means so… so so so much. And seeing her again, and hearing this music, just fills my heart with so much painjoy that I want to cry.

I GET TO NAME HER? DFJSLAKFDSKL I JUST BURST INTO TEARS. I KNOW THIS IS RIDICULOUS BTIA FKJDSL SHE’S JSUT SO SPECIAL AND!! ATLUS IS FINALLY ACKNOWLEDGING HER!!!a

As a side note, I’m really touched to see Akechi interacting with others that aren’t in the PT. He is genuinely kind to them–a pleasant boy indeed.

“I watch the news pretty regularly, too.” Considering how many times you can check the TV in the dorm in P3, and that SEES would keep an eye on the Apathy Syndrome cases, she’s not lying. Good on Atlus for putting that in there.

Watching Minako bond with Futaba over headphones, and be so kind and friendly, just… warms my heart. THAT’S the P3 protag I know and love.

//THE POPCORN MAKER IS A TRANSPOSITION KILN, LIKE FROM DARK SOULS 3 FADSJKLFDS// THIS IS THE GREATEST GAME EVER MADE

Justine and Caroline confirm that the other Wild Card user they sensed was Minako, which I suppose makes it canon (sorta?) that Akechi is not a Wild Card user, and that his two Persona are likely a special case, caused by the severe split in his motives and in his heart thanks to Shido.

Persona fusion in this is really cute! Justine and Caroline slowly merge the film, do a dance, and butterfly wings sprout from their backs!

“But nothing’s certain in this world, and this problem isn’t going to solve itself.” I FUCKING LOVE YOU, MINAKO.

Watching Futaba struggle but still go through with trying to reach out to Hikari, to explain how difficult it was for her to socialize and share her time with others, also makes me look at P5 in a nicer light. I really did think Futaba had one of the better S-Links, it’s just that pedophilia bullshit that was a GIANT RED FLAG distracting me from the rest of it. If her S-Link had something like this instead–Futaba finds a girl who is like her, and wants to help her since she understands exactly how she feels, but she wants Ren’s help/advice with it–I would have been much happier.

YOU CAN PUT MINAKO IN YOUR PARTY OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

Her Japanese voice is adorable by the way–so bright and friendly and warm.

[bi-rezi]

I Been Thinkin.... what would happen if feferiquest acutally, yknow, happened?

some thoughts + a complete walkthrough of everything that happened as soon as aranea got the ring of life + everything that WOULD happen if feferi replaced aranea

it’s Extremely Long. read at your own risk

cause okay here’s what happened:

- aranea got the ring of life, keeping gamzee as something of a servant

- she moved the golden battleship, alerting crockertier jane and grimbark jade to the strange circumstances

- she “healed” jake, forcing him into his full potential as a page of hope (allowing roxy to escape her dersian prison)

- jade tries (and fails) to zap jake’s hopesplosion away, so she switches the locations of derse and lofaf

- karkat alerts dave to the problem

- jade calls upon the power of the green sun to fight jake’s hopesplosion, but starts getting pushed through the surface of her own planet. eventually she loses the battle and skips across the surface of the lava lake that has now appeared, having been ko’ed

- aranea topples jade’s house onto her, killing her justly, but only thanks to a lucky 8r8k

- dave and rose start heading to lofaf

- jane goes to jade, intending to resurrect her, but is jumped by gamzee

- aranea reveals her knowledge of roxy’s presence. they speak briefly, and roxy tries to convince aranea to give her the ring so they can give it to callie before aranea knocks her out so she won’t meddle

- (callie and jade meet up and hang out and its very fun and sweet)

- dave arrives and sees all the Bull Shit thats going on

- brain ghost dirk (bgd) suddenly becomes Not Fake thanks to jake’s hopesplosion

- he begins to fight aranea just as terezi arrives to fight gamzee, leaving jane free resurrect jade BUT

- pm and bec noir arrive and take jade’s body. dave is there, freaking out. jane summons gcat to distract pm and bec noir, intending for them to drop her, but they... don’t. rip. dave chases after them to get jade’s body back

- bgd says “If I can’t get the ring off your finger, I’ll rip the soul out of your body” and it’s extremely metal and he starts ripping aranea’s soul out of her body

- this causes jake’s hopesplosion to dissipate, which causes bgd to start becoming Fake again

- rose takes the sleeping roxy out of the way. terezi continues to fight gamzee

- jane spears jake with her trident, killing him and ReFakening bgd completely. aranea’s soul gets back in her body all the way, also breaking her mind control of gamzee

- aranea knocks out jane, whose sleeping body (controlled by the tiaratop) begins to fight back anyway. meanwhile, gamzee starts to fight terezi now that he isn’t being mind-controlled

- jake resurrects from his death, which was neither just nor heroic. aranea starts to try to lift dirk’s sword so she can kill jane with it

- rose sees gamzee p much killing terezi and is like “fuck i hope this isn’t a blackrom thing... wait is it?” and like, he’s fucking killing her girl, get down there

- terezi and skaia fall into the lava just as karkat and kanaya finally arrive

- gamzee just manages to catch terezi, and it’s at this point that rose and jake (who are both jsut standing there useless) finally try to get involved

- battleship condescension arrives

- a6a6a3 happens

- [S] Game Over happens, which i’m also gonna break down:

- karkat rushes gamzee, who drops terezi, stabs karkat, and throws him into the lava

- aranea shoots bgd’s sword at jane, but jake jumps in front of her and is stabbed through the middle. meanwhile dave is fighting both pm and bec noir. aranea then stabs jane with the sword that still has jake impaled on it

- kanaya cuts gamzee in half

- the condesce fires her laser psionics all around, knocking terezi back onto solid ground and vaporizing kanaya. dave is double impaled by pm and bec noir (heroic). jake’s death is ruled heroic, and jane’s is ruled just.

- this is where people start throwing planets around. aranea grabs lolar and smashes the battleship condescension between lolar and lofaf. she then grabs locah, but the condesce retaliates by grabbing lohac and smashing it into locah

- rose rushes at the condesce, who stabs her with her 2x3dent. terezi rushes at aranea, who mind controls the former into stabbing herself with her own sword. the condesce aims her laser psionics at rose, but roxy void-ifies them both and saves rose at the last second. END OF [S] Game Over

- the condesce pops the ring of life off of aranea’s hand and breaks her neck, throwing her into the fire (a just death).

- john FINALLY zaps in w/ his retcon powers. he explores the destruction for a bit, meets dirk (who immediately Emo(tm)s at him and then dies via glitch consumption)

- john, rose, roxy and terezi all meet up on roxy’s planet and plan out the retcon and terezi has the most hardcore moment in the entire comic where she draws the outline of her own body on the ground moments before her death and then falls into it, finally dying

- rose dies and it’s heroic. forgot to mention that

- and of course roxy and john meet their denizens and all that shit and we discover that the jade who has been with callie has been the post-retcon jade this whole time

and okay. god this is a long post but like. assuming feferi gets her hands on the ring of life in a similar fashion. probably she couldn’t pull whatever strings the condesce did to get her mind control powers, but she might be able to make vriska do a couple things for her. but lets say she gets the ring of life and appears in the real world in the same place and at the same time as aranea did.

- honestly, feferi could potentially heal terezi’s eyes similar to how aranea did cause of her aspect. so even that would be the same.

- anyway. she could really get the ring from any alive person, and i don’t feel like tracking its progress through the people right now. whatever happens, she wakes up with whatever alive person she got the ring from and since she’s feferi, probably thanks them. maybe she says something like. fuckin.

FEFERI: I admit I don’t )(ave much to t)(ank you fis)( rig)(t now, but s)(orely t)(e reward of saving t)(e universe will suffice!

or something like that. you know how aranea had her dumb lines.

- she wouldn’t be able to move the golden battleship unless she had sollux or aradia with her, which is actually pretty plausible, since they were hanging out together last time we saw them iirc. maybe aradia was even how she got the ring. so, okay, say she has one of them move the golden battleship over to derse so she can awaken jake’s hopesplosion, and that alerts jane and jade that somefin’s not right.

- she probably doesn’t try to kiss jake? in terms of jake’s arc that made sense but in terms of hers it really doesn’t i don’t think. but she heals him and he hopesplodes and roxy escapes. jade does her thing, which tips karkat off that something’s wrong. she ends up getting ko’ed and causing some destruction.

- this is where feferi’s motivation actually starts to matter. lemme see what i remember lol. her thing is that she knows best, right? and like aranea realized, it would technically be for the greater good across the universes if lord english was never able to be created. so i think it makes sense for her to have almost the same motivation as aranea.

- in this case, i think feferi could be a lot more efficient than aranea was, and just use her witch of life powers to kill jade rather than inelegantly tipping a house onto her (again, thematically funny, but logically... lame).

- so jane would then go try to resurrect jade, but in this case it might be sollux or aradia who interrupts her. they probably wouldn’t go straight for fighting her, but jane might initiate that fight since she’s crockertier. let’s say it’s aradia, since she has a weapon, unlike sollux. she’s, like, slightly less op.

- as for roxy? i dont think any of them would be able to know where she is, since none of them are mind readers, seers, or light players. feferi technically inverts to a seer, but i don’t think she’s inverted, so we won’t count that. so she can actually stay invisible. maybe she meets up with rose and dave when they arrive.

- anyway, bgd becomes Not Fake and starts fighting feferi, who (unlike aranea) isn’t unarmed. i feel like feferi could totally take dirk, not gonna lie. so he probably gets his ass whooped for a bit.

- terezi arrives and i guess gamzee should too since the whole gang is here? i suppose he was on the golden ship? i dont like him. i dont want to have to track his whereabouts. terezi probably starts fighting him cause he’s a dick. unlike in canon, however, he’s not being mind-controlled, so he probably doesn’t sit there and take it.

- so dave is freaking out about jade and jane is trying to get to jade but aradia won’t let her and then pm and bec noir show up and take her body. jane summons gcat to distract them, but again, they don’t drop jade’s body. jane expresses her frustration, leading dave to chase them to get jade’s body.

- bgd gives up fighting feferi cause he’s getting his ass kicked and starts trying to rip her soul out of her body again, which makes the hopesplosion start dissipating, which makes him become Faker again

- jane spears jake, temporarily killing him and reFakening bgd. i guess instead of knocking jane out, she’d just straight up Regular Fight her. that’s another fight i think feferi could win, not gonna lie. jane’s badass but feferi toted whales around on the daily when she was alive. jake resurrects while they’re fighting.

- rose sees gamzee p much killing terezi and is like “fuck i hope this isn’t a blackrom thing... wait is it?” and like, he’s fucking killing her girl, get down there

- terezi and skaia fall into the lava just as karkat and kanaya finally arrive

- gamzee just manages to catch terezi, and it’s at this point that rose and jake finally try to get involved

- battleship condescension arrives

([S] Game Over)

- karkat rushes gamzee, who drops terezi, stabs karkat, and throws him into the lava

- let’s say feferi is winning against jane. jake intercepts the killing blow, inconveniently, and dies. she kills jane with the other end of her 2x3dent.

- kanaya cuts gamzee in half

- the condesce fires her laser psionics all around, knocking terezi back onto solid ground and vaporizing kanaya. dave is double impaled by pm and bec noir (heroic). jake’s death is ruled heroic, and jane’s is ruled just.

- in canon, this is where planets get thrown around. that could technically happen now too, actually, since feferi has sollux on her side, but it could also, like... not. instead sollux could just like directly attack battleship condescension and i feel like that’d be more efficient. maybe the condesce chucks a planet at them out of spite? but idk, i felt like that was kind of far-fetched in canon anyway, like there were people on lofaf who apparently survived the planet they were on getting hit by another planet? i call bs. nah condy probably just fires at them with her laser psionics like sollux did. its not as Dramatique(tm) but it’s also, like... less dumb

- rose rushes at the condesce, who stabs her with her 2x3dent. terezi attacks feferi, deciding that this has gone on far enough, but is quickly knocked aside and stabbed with feferi’s 2x3dent. the condesce aims her laser psionics at rose, but roxy void-ifies them both and saves rose at the last second. END OF [S] Game Over

- now it’s just condy and feferi, and i think this can be a bit of a longer fight, especially since feferi still has aradia and sollux on her side (or maybe even jsut one of them? maybe she got aradia to come with but sollux couldn’t since he’s kind of dead kind of alive). but i think the condesce can still win this fight, which leaves us with a dying rose, a dying terezi, a live roxy, and john who’s about to pop in (and dirk who’s still across the incipisphere)

and then the retcon can happen and we didnt have to have 12 extra unnecessary characters, only two of which actually got any decent development in canon, despite the fact that BOTH of them couldve been replaced with feferi

(meenah couldve been replaced with an alt feferi who god-tiered and maybe even successfully created a new world before her timeline died. like. really easily.)

as long an endeavor as feferiquest would be, replacing this section of canon with feferiquest would actually make homestuck shorter, since we could almost completely remove the whole dancestor section

[sincerelyensouled]

10 through 20 for mozzy and cricket! Melody too if you have enough development for him, I love him

I’m gonna switch up the order so they’re in the order of Cricket, Mozzy and then Melody, just because it makes my brain happier that way. Also I’m putting this under a read more because this post is going to be super long

also thank you Riley!!! :3c This is really long and thank you for letting me blab about my OCs so long but also why did you want me to write this much and talk about my ocs for this long

Do they enjoy sitting on countertops?

Cricket: They enjoy sitting on any surface available. Although counters might be a little hard seeing as you have to jump up to sit on one, and Cricket’s jumping abilities aren’t really the best. So actually maybe not…

Mozzy: Despite being the exact type of person that seems like they would love sitting on tabletops Mozzy doesn’t. She’s been yelled at by her mom for that too many times and she’s learned her lesson. 

Melody: Oh yeah Melody is an exclusive countertop sitting dude. Fuck chairs, make a scene. He will stand on counters to assert dominance. 

How expressive is their face? Are they easy to read?

Cricket: They’re VERY expressive and always very open about their feelings. They don’t really have a filter when it comes to social things so they always speak their mind, including how they’re feeling.

Mozzy: Mozzy’s actually pretty difficult to read, she’s just not very expressive. Once you get to know her though there are telltale signs of certain actions she does when she’s feeling certain emotions. But if she wants her feelings hidden Mozzy is very good at hiding them, surprisingly good. She’s pretty open about her feelings though.

Melody: You can only read the emotions he wants you to read. If he’s not performing/presenting himself to people or he’s around people he genuinely likes (like Mozzy, his other family members and his adventuring party) he’s completely flat faced. 

How do they deal with experiencing physical pain?

Cricket: Grin and bear it. I mean, they are pretty used to it, due to Cerebral Palsy they deal with a lot of chronic pain and that’s just kinda what they’ve taught themself to do.

Mozzy: Mozzy refuses to let other people care about her when she’s injured unless it’s far too much for her to handle on her own. She doesn’t like when other people are concerned or worried. She’d rather hide an injury and need it heal for longer than be open about 

Melody: Overdramatically, he’s a winy piece of shit. 

Are they easily insulted?

Cricket: No. Due to their disability Cricket’s learned just to ignore insults and mean comments. 

Mozzy: Really it depends on what it’s about. If it’s about her, like her physical appearance she couldn’t give a shit. Melody jokes about her with that stuff all the time, it doesn’t matter. But if it’s about what she does, like insults towards her shooting abilities she’s hurt. That’s the kind of stuff that gets to her. She’s really prideful about her sports and adventuring and other activities that she does and insulting those fucks her up.

Melody: Nah, he’s a self-deprecating piece of shit. His response to getting insulted is basically “Yes.. and…? Come on, you can hit me harder than that.”

Would they prefer to act or react?

Cricket: Depends on the situation, but more leans on the side of reacting.

Mozzy: Act

Melody: React

How would they respond to performing on stage?

Cricket: They’d be able to get through the performance but they’d be super nervous about it. Maybe stutter through a few lines, be a little red in the face, a little shaky because of nerves but still do-able. Definitely cried at least once over it before going on stage too. 

Mozzy: She’d just flat out refuse to do it. Absolutely no way she’s getting up on that stage. Melody carried her onto one once, she immediately froze up and Melody had to carry her back off

Melody: HE’S A STEREOTYPICAL BARD WHAT DO YOU THINK

Would they ever wear perfume or cologne? When? What would the scent be?Cricket: Cricket doesn’t wear any type of sent. It’s just too much smell for them. But if they had to pick a sent it would probably be banana sent which I don’t think is a perfume/cologne sent. 

Mozzy: Yes and most of the time because she does a lot of physical exercise and she just wants to smell good ok? I’m really bad at describing scents but it would be something vaguely floral and not very strong.

Melody: All cologne all the time. This boy smells like a high school men’s change room. Save him, please. 

Could their personality or interests be considered “flighty?” Do they change their mind/interests often?

Cricket: Yeah I guess. They’re interested in what they find interesting and exciting at the moment and if something doesn’t interest them they’ll stop caring.

Mozzy: No, not at all. Mozzy’s got a one-track mind and once she’s decided she’s going to do something she’s determined to do that thing no matter what. 

Melody: Similar to his younger sister Mozzy, once he’s set a goal for himself, he’s really determined to get it. But his way of getting there is less direct than Mozzy. He’s willing to lie about his greater motives and trick people to get what he really wants. 

Do they daydream? Of what?

Cricket: Yes, all the time and of anything and everything. It’s just kinda what you do when you’re kinda limited in the places you’re able to go and the things you’re able to do, especially as a child. 

Mozzy: No, she’s always doing something, she’s always busy. 

Melody: No he doesn’t really daydream. For Melody spacing out is absent-mindedly strumming a few chords on his lute until it sounds good or another verb for doing the same thing on one of his other instruments. 

What is the most inappropriate thing they have ever done in public?

Cricket: uhhh probably flirting really badly and very loudly with a were-peacock named Tiffany. I’ll keep you updated if they end up doing anything less appropriate in game.

Mozzy: Probably getting into a pretty deep roast/insulting session with Melody and then getting called out for it. She loves to insult her brother, and she can dig up some really deep shit, stuff that shouldn’t be known and stuff that shouldn’t be said in a public place. When she gets called out for it she has to point out “Fuckin relax, he’s my brother. We do this type of thing all the time”

Melody: ;)

What was their favorite toy as a child?

Cricket: Not really a toy but a thing that’s really sentimental to them is Cricket has a special leg pillow they sleep with to help their legs out. It has yellow ducks all over it and they’ve had it since they were really little.

Mozzy: 

“Hey Mozzy what’s that you got there?”

“A bow and arrow!”

“NO!”

“oh my god where did she get a bow and arrow” (Dayla, her adventurer dragonborn fighter and older sister is the reason why she has it.)

If not her bow and arrows, probably jsut nature in general. Mozzy loved to get dirty and play in the mud, climb trees and make forts out of the broken ones.

Melody: Probably one of his instruments. He started playing the lute when he was about 6, violin at around the age of 8 and flute at either 12 or 13. So yeah take your pick

[cynological]

Hey so concerning that post about flip your card that you jsut reblogged, i'm super intrigued by your comment; would you mind sharing some of those ideas you can pull from it? Or referring me to someone/something that would?

Oh boy, buckle your seat belts y’allbecause I’m about to seriously brain dump and write a novel. Hi, my name isNovice Dog Training Nobody and I got some opinions and examples of my terriblyN00bish training mistakes.

Everything you do in dog training relies on communication. Iliked @attackfish’s explanation a LOT, because they address so many good pointsand I’ll try to expand on them and not just re-articulate what they said. One poster mentions how “talking out of turn” got themmoved, and so they never spoke up in class again. Clearly, that is someonesensitive to punishment- a simple verbal warning probably would have worked. Myfirst dog? Raising your voice was more than enough of a punishment for her.Before I knew anything about dog training, I put a prong on her to try to teachher to stop pulling. She hit the end of it once and I don’t think I ever had anissue with her trying to pull on the leash again- and then even so much as apull enough to jingle her tags got her to step way back. And just as moving theabove poster’s card to yellow prevented the poster from being disruptive again,putting a prong on my sensitive cattle dog/bbm and fixing her pulling issue,made them both overtly cautious and left an obvious emotional impact. It does not address the WHY. WHY what the person speaking upin class? WHY was my dog pulling? Were they too amped up and excited? Were theypreemptively answering a question? Trying to chase a car? Did they know theywere not supposed to speak during that time and made the conscious decision todo it anyway? Did my dog know any better (no)? What is barely a punishment forone student/dog can be devastating for another. Of course in humans, you caneasily get accused of favoritism if you alter the way you apply punishment tofit the individual, which is why most jobs have some sort of escalating ladderof punishment (verbal, written, suspension, termination) to cover their bases.Applying too harsh of a punishment for that individual will also break downyour trust- (”I never spoke up in class again.”) That is not something as ateacher you want to do to your students (or as a trainer, that you want to doto your dog), or at least not often, because then you’re going to have to spendtime rebuilding that trust, which I’ll try to touch on later. And if you’re tooharsh, you’re going to start encroaching on learned helplessness, when instead,you want to build resiliency. In dogs, the response to an unfair or overtly harshcorrection can present in a variety of ways. Some dogs will shut down, becomeovertly cautious, growl, whine, bark, muzzle punch, try to tag you, or come upthe leash. In agility, my dog has started this utterly OBNOXIOUS trend ofbarking. The easy and most obvious answer to this? Flip your card. Punish thebarking. Except for the part where it made the barking worse, which brings usto the next point: Emotional regulation. When I punished my dog for barking while we were running, Iwas not necessarily looking at why he was barking. I wanted the short termsolution: stop your damn barking. Well, it turns out, that made it worse. Why?Because he was barking out of -frustration- and not anticipation or excitement(as I’d assumed it was, and it might have been and then escalated). At the timeI did not realize it, but I was not effectively communicating what direction Iwanted him to go in, where he needed to be. So he was getting frustrated andvoicing his protests. Verbally correcting him, physically correcting him, andeven ending the run prematurely and removing him off the field thus far has notworked-he thinks it’s unfair because he does not understand why and he istrying to tell me that something is wrong. If I have him on leash and he startsfrustrated barking and I don’t do something to bring down his emotional state,he may try to muzzle punch or tag me or grab the leash.  At that level of frustration, heloses clear headedness and he’s all worked up with no outlet. As with most animals, too much or too great of apunishment, even if it’s -P, and he starts to shut down and/or escalate,especially if he does not understand -why-. And I’m getting frustrated becauseno matter what I do, my dog won’t stop screaming at me and it’s like a horrible feedback loop of confused yelling. “WHYWHYWHY.” “WHY ARE YOU YELLING.” “WHY ARE -YOU- YELLING?” “WHY-”  It wasn’t until my training mentor saw us practicingone day and basically said “Hey dumbass, stop being unfair to your dog. This isyour fault, not his. Look at where your body is facing; it’s the oppositedirection of where you are pointing/ want him to go. You’re also too late on tellinghim where he needs to go. You haven’t been working him when he’s in driveenough. And-” several of my other sins and character flaws. Guess what, improving mytiming and body language works wonders, as does working on exercises where hehas to think through that emotional state and has an outlet. It’s differentwhen he’s barking or screaming out of sheer excitement. Again, issues withemotional regulation. That can and has evolved into frustration barking,because he is much closer to that threshold. And again, we need to work onthose thresholds and work on increasing resiliency, and also trying to find away to address the barking and give him direction on what to do -instead-.  I was trying to solve it the ‘flip your card’ way,and my dog started giving up. There are two steps to learned helplessness:Nothing I do is going to be right so I’m going to escalate to try to get mypoint across, or I’m going to shut down and not want to play anymore and giveup. We don’t want either of those. My dog is generally motivated to want towork with me and to run agility. He thinks it is a blast and he -wants- to workwith me. The problem is Dad Is a Horrible Navigator and Can’t Direct Worth aShit. There is the WHY. Addressing that is the first step in fixing ourproblems.This is not to say that punishment is ineffective; just that –unfair- or –unclear-punishment is ineffective, especially if you are not working on the root causeof the issues. But that is a lecture for another day and one I’m sure peoplefar more qualified than me have written extensively on.Which, ironically, brings us to our next point: Bias. This may come as acomplete and utter shock, but there is a lot of bias in dog training, and eventhe best trainers can struggle with it. From everything concerning dog breeds, ageof the trainer, training methods, gender of the trainer, even gender of thedog, everyone has an opinion and a world view that is going to affect the waythey train. I’m biased, you’re biased, we are all biased. Identify your biasesand find a way to become less biased. Now, choice. Animals learn best through play and through decision making-comingto their own conclusions and working out problems on their own vs being toldwhat to do. This is why the FF movement has taken off in recent years. It’s notnew information by any means, but more people are becoming aware that they wantsomething beyond the bare minimum obedience out of their dog. Shaping is agreat intro to this. Try to do 101 Things To Do With a Box with a dog who hasonly even been told –what- to think, instead of –how- to think, or even play It’sYour Choice with them… compare them to a blank slate or a dog whose foundationwas in learning how to think, and the difference is remarkable. A dog who isjust working for food or a toy or to avoid punishment is going to look a lot differentthan a dog working because he is engaged in the work and understand the work isintrinsically motivating. Resource guarding is another example of this. Iabsolutely love Patricia McConnell’s method of dealing with it. Punishingresource guarding is going to make it worse. Trying to –make- it stop is goingto make it worse. But giving the dog a choice and letting it come to its ownconclusions that it’s not worth it? My dog was a resource guarder and now –brings-me stuff that he used to try to guard. I’ve watched the progress of another dogwho would have mauled someone for a ball show significant improvement in lessthan two weeks just by being offered a –choice- and not being pushed.    Intrinsic vs extrinsic motivation. Intrinsic motivation: Think about your job:If you are only working just to get a paycheck, you are doing so out ofextrinsic motivation; you are doing it to obtain an external reward (yourpaycheck) or to avoid an external punishment (being homeless). Now, if you havea job that you love doing, and you work in that job for the sake of enjoyment,you are working out of intrinsic motivation. People who do a lot of volunteerwork, work with animals, or work with children, or who work in public servicetypically do so out of intrinsic motivation. A dog that is intrinsicallymotivated does something for the sheer joy of doing it. The name of the game wewant is Engagement. We want to build intrinsic motivation in our dogs to work –withus-. A dog who only works for food or a toy is doing so out of extrinsic motivation.It works, but it won’t be as strong as a dog who works intrinsically. Geneticsplay a huge role in this. I personally want a dog who is born motivated to work.I love watching my dog track, because he does not want to stop, even afterreaching the end and getting his ‘reward.’ He loves tracking for the sheer joyof tracking. In training, we use extrinsic motivators to help create a bridgeto building the dog’s intrinsic motivation.Now nothing is black and white, there are all kinds of grey areas and overlap.Try to communicate with your dog effectively, above all else. At some point, Flip Your Card may be appropriate. I have found that if what you’re doing isn’t working-try something else.  Forgive me ifanything is unclear; it is 0540 am and I’ve tried to address as much as I couldin less than 2,000 words. 

[bippyblurbs]

i couldn’t sleep july 17 2017

there are a lot of things i want to talk about and express but there's too many and i don't know where to start. right now i just finished reading this manga about someone falling in love with a ghost basically. i've read similar stories before and i don't know why but when i first read them it was weird as though an unknown want or dream of mine had been manifested. i have never experienced anything supernatural or anythign with ghosts, and not that i want to because i dont think i have the mental or emotional capacity to deal with that... but even when i was younger in high school i don't rememebr quite when it started (was i in a relationship or not i'm not sure) but i would ache at the idea of having a ghost as a partner. someone that was fleeting and would come to comfort me in my loneliness in bed or something. someone that was there... but i guess only when i needed and not all the time? also the idea of the loneliness at the end of it (something bittersweet) was something really appealing to me. that one outlives the other kind of thing. i liked reading that sort of story (w supernatural stuff) apparently it *is* a thing espc in the philippines, as i recall watching one of those eye witness things on tv about a woman falling in love with a fairy/dwende and marrying them in the forest and how she seemingly visits him from time to time. whether this is true or not cannot be really said as perceived reality is different for everybody. (because it's to each perspective as their own kind of thing) but i also thought how nice it must be to have that commited and safe feeling of a relationship but to also have it fleeting. i'm not sure if i'm lonely in this aspect because everytime i visualize myself being in a type of relationship i can't seem to see anything too great out of it other than getting a long time partner and having someone to build a life with i guess. but i'm jsut not the type of person who likes being with people a lot. i realized that i am a loner and even in any circle of friends or no matter how many people i'm surrounded with. any friend group, social group i always feel as though i'm an outcast. and i make it that way to be honest, but i do it insticinvtivly *cant type lol* or in a passive manner. I really don't think about it but i make it a fact as to not express or share too much of myself. to still be involved but ti still have that barrier there. maybe that's why i always felt lonely a lot of the time. as a kid i grew up alone. sure my mom tried to be really close with me growing up and i have some fond memories of the first few years in our immigration to canada and how she'd do a lot for me. they really stuck with me. but during adolescence i was also very mentally and emotionally unstable, and it never really got addressed. in high school it was much worse, and my mom would joke about me going to a therapist as if it really wasn't an option and a last resort thing. but anyway, maybe that's part of the problem as to why i don't express enough of my feelings. i know i've told others that perhaps the reason is because i don't want to feel like a burden to the other part, and to an extent there is truth in that. however, that is not the whole picture. i'm not sure, but i like that i can keep things to myself and that no one else knows it, or that if i ahve to share it has to be to an audience that doesn't listen. i've also shared to tohers before that i was very used to people not really listening to me or taking me seirously whenever i expressed something. hencewhy a lot of the time i don't bother explaining my feelings. i have gotten better. but if anything related to emotions comes in i try not tob e as vulnrable. so it's not like i'm witholding information, it's more like i'm really just keeping a lot to myself. maybe more tha ni think i am. i thought i was sharing a lot ot people these days but i don't think so. but also i think so as well. i have been more vocal about depression and motivation to my parents and i think they're starting to understand it. i don't like labels which is why i don't enjoy labelling myself with depression. it's just not me, but it also is. much like how i don't like the labels of gender, or sexuality, or anything. i never strongly identified with anything and to me, that's what i think a label is. unless one strnogly identifies with that then they can use that to label themselves. but i've foudn that (i'm not sure if it's perhaps i'm not grounded enough) i have a half half connection with things that are physical. and by connection i mean attachement. whether it be my body, items, relationships, events. i dont know if it's perhaps my head is in the clouds or if it's an understanding that everythign is temporary so i dont see much of a point in pursuing things further. sure treasure these things, but at the same time i don't see why one must invest so much when at the end of it all it will be gone. i guess this may be linked to my half assed motivation as well. but that's another thing, i think.

i dont know. it's dangerous to leave me alone with my thoughts. i start crying a lot and get anxious and i'm not able to sleep and i end up feeling tired for the rest of the day *which is a nono* and i dont know if i should go see a therapist because i have a feeling i'll be aware of what they'll try to advise to me (not being pretentious here, just saying i do way too much self refelcting that i feel like i've mapped up enough alternatives for solutions) but the idea of someone listening to me and it's because it's their job is really intriguing and kinda interesting to me. though if a friend told me that they were listening to me just cause they were being paid to do so then perhaps that is a different stry. again, i'm not sure.

[classpecting-through-time]

Hey there again everyone. Sorry to disappoint again with no Classpect posts. Guess it’s kinda expected of me at this point. I wanted to post this under a reaad more because I feel terrible and just not good today, and evne though I don’t want anyone to see this, a part of me thinkis if I post it here people will care and I can have people to talk to and maybe I can be chered up a bit. Not that I’m askling for it.

You know what sucks? Depression. The way it kills are your love and motivation to do things, even those you love and want to do, but can’t get into it, and forcing yourself doesn’t help so either. But you feel like you don’t have a reaosn to feel this way when it randomly happens. And I guess if you runa  blog like this and evcery passing day you think about the 300+ people you disappoint when you don’t step forward and get over it and supply stuff. Yeah. 

Speaking of dumb things like that, myself. Because of how my stupid brain works, it twists stuff to be worse. Like how when I asked for asks about stuff and didn’t recieve any. To my brain that translated to that no one was interested but all of you wouldn’t be following me if that were true. So if I know that why did my brain jump to that. 

I have nothing better to do with my life but occassionally do something productive, and even then, only so much at a time. Whether that be personal stuff or this blog, I only do one little thin then  leave again. I didn’t accomplish much but my body and mind feel worn out for whatever reaosn and I hate it. I have to wonder why most peopel who talk to me jsut up and stop after talking for maybea  few days. I get these ieas of wanting to do thigns but never panning out and doing them no matter how important or beneficial to myself.

I hate myself a lot. I think I care about being nice and seen as this certian way by peopel so it’s easier on me when I’m hard on myself all the time just knowing other people know the rela me an not the me I am stuck with in my head. I hate this loneliness I feel constantly from lack fo contact I have with anyone but vne when I tyr to reach out I’m ignored. Maybe that’s why I’m even posting this. The thought of maybe sopmeone anyone reading this and would take pity on me or sympathise. But that also feels greoss to me andlike I’m askoing for pity.

I don’t know. Sorry for this dumb post you had to shift through.

[infernallovewitch]

an unnecessary rant

Okay so here’s the fucking deal and I think I’m going crazy right now so if you’re reading this, bare with me. At a certain point I will actually completely give up on spelling and grammar so

and i cant just sit there and blame my past my abuser for whats going on with me now cuz its been like fuckin over two goddamn years since i freed myself from all the bullshit that was him and what he did to me but that doesnt for some reason stop the trauma and all the goddamn garbage thats still in my brain like... have i tried to get better? yes and maybe no? i have no idea why im like this but frankly im making myself sick from trying to be like someone im not but im so far down the rabbit hole of trying to better myself for my significant other but im doing it in all the wrong ways i was really hoping i could just leave all this shit behind me and move on with my life and do the things i want to do but now i just feel like i big fucking failure because im not in school anymore and like why am i even trying to move to one of the most expenisve cities in the US????!?! im going crazy because i have all these insecurities left over from the shittiest time in my life, like no one could love me for me, people love me bcause i can mold myself into any person they want me to be but why? i wasnt worried about this a couple months ago i was just healing from my breakup but its like now that someone new loves me why am i under the impression that he will just get up and leave me once he gets to know me better like???????????where did all of this even come from actually i know where but why did it stay all locked up in my brain? i just want to be sane and healthy like im not even doing the things i would have even thought to do months ago but here i am trying to fit into a mold im worried he wants me to fit into but he tells me every day that he loves me and im just so worried that its because he doesnt really know me 100%. my brain feels like its being tased and the electricity is running down my body in my nervous system but jetngksnfohnjklf i cant handle it anymore i just want to be normal but at this point what would normal me be doing right now? not sitting in my room writing this thats for fucking sure and i jsut cant even ssoiojslg fucking gather my thoughts together into something that makes sense my mind is running a goddamn marathon right now and i know if i try to meditate that i will just lose myself in the mud again and im already drowining in it im fucking drowning in mud and my crystalline brain is turning into moldy mush as im typing this and im worried im going to keep ruining my life like this and like why am i even making art now am i just trying to be good enough or am i actually motivated to create and like im just trying to relax i have fucking vaporwave on but that just reminds me of otis even more cuz like the first thing he ever said to me was “do u like vaporwave” and even with him i was tryign to be someone else but like six months after we started dating but like he hates me now anyway so i cant find any goddamn solice in him because he was my best friend for so long and now hes gone forever and i cant ever get that restored in any way and i cant tell charlie anything because im already worried he thinks im crazy and i cant afford to see a therapist ever again and even then mom and dad would be so disappointed that i havent taken care of myself im just trying to prove to everyone around me that im sane and that im taking care of myself and that im growing up and im not constantly fucking ruining my fucking life and im just worried and stressed about everything im seeing charlie in a few fucking days and im worried so much that after spending a week with him that he will be disappointed in me but what would that even matter like ofc i love him but maybe i just cant stand to be hurt again im worried im fucking worried and i shouldnt be im just a mess and i have been this whole time and under all the rubble im trying to find answers and trying to fix myself but i keep choosing to do the wrong thing all the time for what??? insecurity ??? im a mess and im lost under all the mud and i need help i fucking need help and whats stopping me from asking otis for help because i know he would just laugh at me??? like why am i like this and why do i keep thinking that he will help me he fucking hates me and i dont even know why i guess thats why people say love makes u crazy and thats where i am right now love is making me crazy and maybe i shouldnt be in a relationship because i kno theyve always been bad for me why am i doing this to myself im always totally fine and 100% myself when im single when im not worried about what my s/o thinks of me im CRAZY

[mslouisadee]

January Blues, February Brights

Time to get out of a mid-winter January funk. A record crop of Meyer lemons in the greenhouse might help.

It's been tough. I mean, I expected this. Book deadline looming and I just started writing. Even though I lost my job last winter I was fortunate to have a severance package, but it runs out in a month. I'm not ignorant to the fact that I am still quite fortunate, but I also know that changes are on the doorstep, and maybe I haven't prepared enough for them (hello? Health insurance?). Ive been trying to squeeze in doctor appointments and dental work before March. I usually like January too - not only do I love snow, it's my birthday month. I should mention that I've officially reached that time in my life when it's like "birthdays? Really? I'm not talking about it. Then there is this funk which is probably just a combo of everything. Not to mention Post-Holiday Diets, the unusually cold and snowy weather we've been getting here in the Northeast (bomb cyclone and the coldest weather in over 100 years). This all seems to have manifested itself into a "might-as-well-just-wear-sweatpants-all-day-long-and-watch-Netflix" mentality. Not healthy. I have no interest in opening mail. In ordering seeds, or even for looking at nursery sites. I've kind-of lost interest in these things. I dont think that it's depression really, more like the fact that I feel as if I've grown everything and I cant find something new to be interested in. At least, that's what I'm telling myself. I am feeding the birds which is begining to really sound like a very old-man thing - (don't say it).  Still, I'm not doing much more.  Its really only a function. Thistle feeder is out again, dump more in. I'm not 'watching' the birds, which is probably worse now that I think about it. Guilt feeding. They eat alone, (which they probably like). I had little problem writing for the book however, so I suppose that is a good sign. Sitting in my office with the snow falling outside has been one of the most favorite things to do. Yet my problem still seems like that I don't feel like working, or not working for that matter don't dont feel like buying plants, nor watering the ones I have anymore either. Nothing seems interesting anymore, and I've lost confidence in what I am doing. This week our weather seems to have entered another phase -  bit milder (fingers-crossed that it sticks). With these more average temperatures (highs near freezing and lows in the 20's) much of the drama from the early weeks of January has passed. I even am beginning to think about the future more. I actually sowing a bit of seed today -some flats of mesclun.  I even smelled the first whiffs of the Sarcococca hookeriana in the greenhouse (which we need to grow in a pot here in Massachusetts - don't taunt me Oregon or North Carolina!). I'm good with the potted semi-tender shrubs like Sarcococca because under glass on a snowy, January day the greenhouse smells just like Tahiti (OK, more like early spring in the Himalaya - whatever...). It warms my soul and I kind of need that lately. At least it provided some hopefulness that I'll 'like it all' again.

Some casualties from the cold include this Canarina canariensis, but after following lots of chatter on the Pacific Bulb Society newsgroup, its bulb-like root may be OK. Many say that I should plant this tender geophyte that has gorgeous orange bell-shaped flowers like in this post, in the ground in my greenhouse, and it might do better. I'm going to try this. I need something to do.

A few freezes didnt hurt the South African bulbs. I kept the soil dry through most of January, which helps the cells expand in case there is a hard freeze. We had the coldest weather in over 100 years with a week of night temps below -12° F.

My book on vegetable gardenings is underway, mostly photo editing and writing at this phase. So, that has been my focus - choosing the best pics, researching at the library at the horticultural society and writing.

The cyclamen are sturdy fellows, able to withstand some very frosty nights with no harm. As long as the roots don't freeze the more tender species like C. graecum, I'm OK. I was able to fertilize them this week on my first visit out the greenhouse this year,.

South African bulbs really don't seem to mind the cold and the wet. These Babiana fragrans may bloom by springtime. As you can see, I never cleaned up the foliage from last season. It's very fibrous and tough and needs scissors to remove it in when the pot is dormant in mid-summer. I figure that this is what happens in the wild (there are no baboons out there cutting the dead foliage down, just digging and eating the bulbs). The iris-like flowers will be pretty though in a few weeks.

Citrus like these Calamondin oranges are blooming, even though half of the plant died from frost.

Other citrus are just not handling this winter all that well. This is what is left of my big Kumquat tree. Not a victim of frost however, but of a misplaced electric space heater.

Tropaeolim - tjhe vining, high-elevsation tuberous types from the Andes seem to relish this weather though. They look so tender and frail, with thread-like stems yet after the hot, summer dormancy, take off covering little trellis' in just a month - blooms will soon follow.

Tuberous Tropeolum grow from round tubers like potatoes. Here is a new species I am growng -  T. ciliatum, a tuber that I acquired from a collector in September. Its  growth is still small and weak. I think that it will appreciate being moved to a sunnier spot in the greenhouse now that it is getting warmer in there.

Another tropeolum species T. tricolor  looked completely dead, and I feared its late emergence meant that something ate the bulb, but it was just last winters growth that I hadn't cleaned up in the summertime (see a trend here?). Not watered since May, I noticed a bit of thread-like growth earlier this week, and after carefully removing the dead foliage found these new stems twirling around.

Last weekend the sun came out, so after journeying out into the greenhouse - sweatpants and all - I coudl see that most of the Dutch bulbs and South African bulbs were emerging. I moved them all to a sunny sand bed, watered them and in just a few days, things have come back to life.

Scilla messeniaca a lesser-known scilla is beginning to show its buds.

The camellias that were planted in the ground always seem to bloom well even in the coldest winters.  One snowy night in a blizzard two weeks ago the gas man wanted to see what I had in the greenhouse around 2 am, but I told him that it wasn't pot - but I could tell by his expression that he didn't believe me so, I shown a flashlight through the frosty glass and this thing was illuminated. He said "Wow, what the Hell is that?". "Not pot, I replied."

Camellias in pots are hardy too if the roots dont freeze. More sturdy than the insulating bubble wrap it seems.

The South African plants are remarkable cold hardy. This Erica 'Winter's Flame' is just starting to bloom.

Narcissus cantabricus, a native North African narcissus species blooms early in the greenhouse sand bed. It is sweetly fragrant - like cottoncandy (which reminds me - when was the last time I smelled cotton candy? It's sweetly scented like a vanilla candle from Target.).

If I was to grow one Nerine, it would be this one - N. alata or N. undulata. I have six stems in bloom this year. It too didnt seem to mind a few light frosts in early January.

The chili peppers didnt like the frost. And while many people keep some chili pepper plants from year to year for a while (like Chiltepin type), these probobly wont make it. I do have some Chiltepin and Tepin pepper plants in the house, however.

The biggest citrus I have is a massive tub planted with a Mandarin orange tree. It was hit by the blast of the propane furnice, and I fear that it wont recover.

Moving forward, I have all hopes that I am moving out of this funk I'm in.  No worries, I'm a pretty positive guy and maybe I just need a challenge. I can't tolerate 'meh' for long. You're probably thinking that I am just depressed.  Maybe - just a little, but most likely I'm not sleeping because I'm scared, bored and for some reason not motivated because of a combination of all of those things - which is probobly completely normal, right? After all - this is a big life change I'm going through over the next few momnths. With my severance runnings out in march health insurance is my greatest concern (Cobra?).  IT seems that there is no shortage of freelance projects and consulting on my doorstep, but just how much and how fruitful or consistant it will all be, I dont know. I dont do well with inconsistancy - you know, used to that pay check every two weeks. SOrry for thinking aloud here, but if you've read this far, you can probably see that this is just like therapy for me. Social therapy. I've never collected an unemployment check in my life either, but ick - I may have to. I just feel like a failure too I guess. Yet I promise to not let things get to me too much, this blog which I thought that I would have so much time to redesign and improve, will still go on.  I need to move forward and think about the garden again - and what's next on the horizon for my projects. I have jsut started thinking about my annual 'special projects' list, which is a bit overdue.  I am thinking about gladiolus again, a genus I have been putting off for a while now because dahlias got in the way - there are so many lovely crosses if you've even attended a gladiolus society show you know what I mean. Then there are fuschias to try again, but raising them in a different way - training them as standards or as large tubbed specimens, and then perhaps exploring how to create a mini-cut flower garden at home, designed to offer cut flowers for every week of the summer and fall, a mini-flower farm, if you will. Last year I was reminded of how great coleus looks in group containers, and I am imagining an entire collection of coleus - growing them in odd or creative ways - espalier comes to mind. - Asian gourds, a big chapter from my book has inspired me to try on a greater scale. Especially after visiting Chow's parents (a Vietnamese friend of mine) whos family grew so many types in their back yard near where I live. Those will definitely be on my grow list this year - including luffa, sponge gourds and bitter melon and how to grow them, because even though many of us know what a bitter melon looks like - who knows how to cook with them? I've learned this year, and want to share it. Oh yes, and dahlias. And sweet peas. And the tastiest tomatoes - Amy Goldman Fowler's great book THE HEIRLOOM TOMATO has reminded me that the tastiest ones are not any of the varieties I have grown in the past. Thank you Amy! Get it and read it closely - it's fabulously rich with information and well researched. See? I'll be OK. There are then other projects which failed once again that I want to retry until I master them. More about those later. Those potted tubs of 19th century Miognonette are going to be mastered - I know it.

[malamelodies]

shadows

Its funny and beautiful that I have found that I have made two blogs since greg’s death: this one tends to be the shadows and trying to figure out exactly what is going on, and hte other one basks in the glory of sunshine. right now, i find myself wishy washy of the decisions that can be made. my mind gently sways back and forth, like a pendulum, not quite sure where it will end. or begin for that matter. the swirling takes place when it comes to love and the place where I will reside for a longer time and how i will face the world and how i will make ends meet and thrive in my own ways of justice and understanding. how i will not settle yet how can i settle when i don’t even know what i want. today i got abnormally sad about my lover at this time...im going through this faze of realization, or trying to change it... or something: but my love language is gifts. and it feels really superficial because gifts costs money and money is,well, weird. I talk too much, he says. mabe thats why he doesnt really hold me as a priority? that i have so many words that it gets diluted in a way and because we live on the same land together so the level of conveinence is really there and there is no need to court. all i know is this. these past two weeks have felt like two months. we have spent so much time together, which is really sweet, and then it comes to gifts. and the little things. i like food, its nice and sweet, but its momentary. and its something we need. im not pouting and alas, i know this because ultimately, even though this is ‘public’, no one else reads it, but jsut to clarify to the void. clarity needs mass conversations to relate and release.  anywho: what is a love language anyways? 

A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, "Look, he was thinking of me," or, "She remembered me." You must be thinking of someone to give him or her a gift. The gift itself is a symbol of that thought. It doesn't matter whether it costs money. What is important is that you thought of him or her. And it is not the thought implanted only in the mind that counts but the thought expressed in actually securing the gift and giving it as the expression of love.

and its funny, or sad, because i give him hints and say things, then he gets defensive or turned off. and then i miss jordan. jordan was so good at, all the time, allowing me to feel overflowing with love. i adored it. so very much. but what he didn’t do was feed my inspiration and spirituality. but i dont know if jed is doing that either. my body feels such sweet sensations when with him: its just so physical and he really helped me out yesterday and made food and i helped him by looking at health insurance and it didn’t really pay off, i guess, but then he offered to take me for a drive. to watch the sunset. so we went down the road, so he could drop something off, then went back because he wanted to give me IBprophen because of my foot, he took a long time to get it because of other things he was doing then when we went back, instead of going to watch the rest of the sunset, we got gas then sat in that parking lot while he changed his oil. which again was fine and enjoyable because i enjoy time with him, but it wasnt what he asked me to do. it wasnt a date of any sort. it was chores. im not oozing with inspiration. im not overwhelmed with fulfillment. im not motivated. i’m becoming distracted again by relationships that aren’t progressive. i remember asking him about a special medicine as well and i said i wouldnt ask because he would want to do it when he is ready and it hasn’t happened. yet. he gives me the weirdest compliments. he makes me laugh too, i just feel overall.

side step. whirl wind of JJ landia. all coming back. how crazy it is when i take am oment to give a moment to a sweet friend, it all comes rushing back in again. what the dynamics present in this whirlwind of life. 

i just dont want to be held down. and i wish that i didn’t have to ask all the time, or even seem pathetic in begging or openly: i desire a man who doens’t laugh at me. i desire a man who encourages me and empowers me. he just feels so young sometimes. a lot of the time. and it doesnt feel like im being optimal for me. what to do. what to do.  moments in transition. i just want to have fun. and i had a lot of fun with jordan. it was light and simple. but everyone around me, all of my friends, say tap into the other thign, the thing that ignites your heart. and your soul. but it turns out it just kind of tickled it. 

we will see. traveling to burning man i feel will be gifted with the insight and love and being to become aware of the necessities 

[mslouisadee]

January Blues, February Brights

Time to get out of a mid-winter January funk. A record crop of Meyer lemons in the greenhouse might help.

It's been tough. I mean, I expected this. Book deadline looming and I just started writing. Even though I lost my job last winter I was fortunate to have a severance package, but it runs out in a month. I'm not ignorant to the fact that I am still quite fortunate, but I also know that changes are on the doorstep, and maybe I haven't prepared enough for them (hello? Health insurance?). Ive been trying to squeeze in doctor appointments and dental work before March. I usually like January too - not only do I love snow, it's my birthday month. I should mention that I've officially reached that time in my life when it's like "birthdays? Really? I'm not talking about it. Then there is this funk which is probably just a combo of everything. Not to mention Post-Holiday Diets, the unusually cold and snowy weather we've been getting here in the Northeast (bomb cyclone and the coldest weather in over 100 years). This all seems to have manifested itself into a "might-as-well-just-wear-sweatpants-all-day-long-and-watch-Netflix" mentality. Not healthy. I have no interest in opening mail. In ordering seeds, or even for looking at nursery sites. I've kind-of lost interest in these things. I dont think that it's depression really, more like the fact that I feel as if I've grown everything and I cant find something new to be interested in. At least, that's what I'm telling myself. I am feeding the birds which is begining to really sound like a very old-man thing - (don't say it).  Still, I'm not doing much more.  Its really only a function. Thistle feeder is out again, dump more in. I'm not 'watching' the birds, which is probably worse now that I think about it. Guilt feeding. They eat alone, (which they probably like). I had little problem writing for the book however, so I suppose that is a good sign. Sitting in my office with the snow falling outside has been one of the most favorite things to do. Yet my problem still seems like that I don't feel like working, or not working for that matter don't dont feel like buying plants, nor watering the ones I have anymore either. Nothing seems interesting anymore, and I've lost confidence in what I am doing. This week our weather seems to have entered another phase -  bit milder (fingers-crossed that it sticks). With these more average temperatures (highs near freezing and lows in the 20's) much of the drama from the early weeks of January has passed. I even am beginning to think about the future more. I actually sowing a bit of seed today -some flats of mesclun.  I even smelled the first whiffs of the Sarcococca hookeriana in the greenhouse (which we need to grow in a pot here in Massachusetts - don't taunt me Oregon or North Carolina!). I'm good with the potted semi-tender shrubs like Sarcococca because under glass on a snowy, January day the greenhouse smells just like Tahiti (OK, more like early spring in the Himalaya - whatever...). It warms my soul and I kind of need that lately. At least it provided some hopefulness that I'll 'like it all' again.

Some casualties from the cold include this Canarina canariensis, but after following lots of chatter on the Pacific Bulb Society newsgroup, its bulb-like root may be OK. Many say that I should plant this tender geophyte that has gorgeous orange bell-shaped flowers like in this post, in the ground in my greenhouse, and it might do better. I'm going to try this. I need something to do.

A few freezes didnt hurt the South African bulbs. I kept the soil dry through most of January, which helps the cells expand in case there is a hard freeze. We had the coldest weather in over 100 years with a week of night temps below -12° F.

My book on vegetable gardenings is underway, mostly photo editing and writing at this phase. So, that has been my focus - choosing the best pics, researching at the library at the horticultural society and writing.

The cyclamen are sturdy fellows, able to withstand some very frosty nights with no harm. As long as the roots don't freeze the more tender species like C. graecum, I'm OK. I was able to fertilize them this week on my first visit out the greenhouse this year,.

South African bulbs really don't seem to mind the cold and the wet. These Babiana fragrans may bloom by springtime. As you can see, I never cleaned up the foliage from last season. It's very fibrous and tough and needs scissors to remove it in when the pot is dormant in mid-summer. I figure that this is what happens in the wild (there are no baboons out there cutting the dead foliage down, just digging and eating the bulbs). The iris-like flowers will be pretty though in a few weeks.

Citrus like these Calamondin oranges are blooming, even though half of the plant died from frost.

Other citrus are just not handling this winter all that well. This is what is left of my big Kumquat tree. Not a victim of frost however, but of a misplaced electric space heater.

Tropaeolim - tjhe vining, high-elevsation tuberous types from the Andes seem to relish this weather though. They look so tender and frail, with thread-like stems yet after the hot, summer dormancy, take off covering little trellis' in just a month - blooms will soon follow.

Tuberous Tropeolum grow from round tubers like potatoes. Here is a new species I am growng -  T. ciliatum, a tuber that I acquired from a collector in September. Its  growth is still small and weak. I think that it will appreciate being moved to a sunnier spot in the greenhouse now that it is getting warmer in there.

Another tropeolum species T. tricolor  looked completely dead, and I feared its late emergence meant that something ate the bulb, but it was just last winters growth that I hadn't cleaned up in the summertime (see a trend here?). Not watered since May, I noticed a bit of thread-like growth earlier this week, and after carefully removing the dead foliage found these new stems twirling around.

Last weekend the sun came out, so after journeying out into the greenhouse - sweatpants and all - I coudl see that most of the Dutch bulbs and South African bulbs were emerging. I moved them all to a sunny sand bed, watered them and in just a few days, things have come back to life.

Scilla messeniaca a lesser-known scilla is beginning to show its buds.

The camellias that were planted in the ground always seem to bloom well even in the coldest winters.  One snowy night in a blizzard two weeks ago the gas man wanted to see what I had in the greenhouse around 2 am, but I told him that it wasn't pot - but I could tell by his expression that he didn't believe me so, I shown a flashlight through the frosty glass and this thing was illuminated. He said "Wow, what the Hell is that?". "Not pot, I replied."

Camellias in pots are hardy too if the roots dont freeze. More sturdy than the insulating bubble wrap it seems.

The South African plants are remarkable cold hardy. This Erica 'Winter's Flame' is just starting to bloom.

Narcissus cantabricus, a native North African narcissus species blooms early in the greenhouse sand bed. It is sweetly fragrant - like cottoncandy (which reminds me - when was the last time I smelled cotton candy? It's sweetly scented like a vanilla candle from Target.).

If I was to grow one Nerine, it would be this one - N. alata or N. undulata. I have six stems in bloom this year. It too didnt seem to mind a few light frosts in early January.

The chili peppers didnt like the frost. And while many people keep some chili pepper plants from year to year for a while (like Chiltepin type), these probobly wont make it. I do have some Chiltepin and Tepin pepper plants in the house, however.

The biggest citrus I have is a massive tub planted with a Mandarin orange tree. It was hit by the blast of the propane furnice, and I fear that it wont recover.

Moving forward, I have all hopes that I am moving out of this funk I'm in.  No worries, I'm a pretty positive guy and maybe I just need a challenge. I can't tolerate 'meh' for long. You're probably thinking that I am just depressed.  Maybe - just a little, but most likely I'm not sleeping because I'm scared, bored and for some reason not motivated because of a combination of all of those things - which is probobly completely normal, right? After all - this is a big life change I'm going through over the next few momnths. With my severance runnings out in march health insurance is my greatest concern (Cobra?).  IT seems that there is no shortage of freelance projects and consulting on my doorstep, but just how much and how fruitful or consistant it will all be, I dont know. I dont do well with inconsistancy - you know, used to that pay check every two weeks. SOrry for thinking aloud here, but if you've read this far, you can probably see that this is just like therapy for me. Social therapy. I've never collected an unemployment check in my life either, but ick - I may have to. I just feel like a failure too I guess. Yet I promise to not let things get to me too much, this blog which I thought that I would have so much time to redesign and improve, will still go on.  I need to move forward and think about the garden again - and what's next on the horizon for my projects. I have jsut started thinking about my annual 'special projects' list, which is a bit overdue.  I am thinking about gladiolus again, a genus I have been putting off for a while now because dahlias got in the way - there are so many lovely crosses if you've even attended a gladiolus society show you know what I mean. Then there are fuschias to try again, but raising them in a different way - training them as standards or as large tubbed specimens, and then perhaps exploring how to create a mini-cut flower garden at home, designed to offer cut flowers for every week of the summer and fall, a mini-flower farm, if you will. Last year I was reminded of how great coleus looks in group containers, and I am imagining an entire collection of coleus - growing them in odd or creative ways - espalier comes to mind. - Asian gourds, a big chapter from my book has inspired me to try on a greater scale. Especially after visiting Chow's parents (a Vietnamese friend of mine) whos family grew so many types in their back yard near where I live. Those will definitely be on my grow list this year - including luffa, sponge gourds and bitter melon and how to grow them, because even though many of us know what a bitter melon looks like - who knows how to cook with them? I've learned this year, and want to share it. Oh yes, and dahlias. And sweet peas. And the tastiest tomatoes - Amy Goldman Fowler's great book THE HEIRLOOM TOMATO has reminded me that the tastiest ones are not any of the varieties I have grown in the past. Thank you Amy! Get it and read it closely - it's fabulously rich with information and well researched. See? I'll be OK. There are then other projects which failed once again that I want to retry until I master them. More about those later. Those potted tubs of 19th century Miognonette are going to be mastered - I know it.