#i guess i've gotten so desensitized and i feel like such an imposter right now that i don't even want to put the emotional abuse tag

[snonkerdoodledreams]

so there's this teacher at my school who i was kinda confused about.

this class is a performing arts class so it's already not like other classes. however, this specific class i took was designed for people in my grade level, so that the students can adjust to the new vibe and new rigor of the scene of that school.

and from the very first day, the teacher of this class was supportive. they asked for everyone's names and they knew the names of some students because they had taught them before when they were younger (they also teach at the feeder elementary schools). and then they got into how class worked. very nice, calm demeanor. there was just something about the way they interacted with everyone that showed that they had no bad intentions, and they genuinely wanted to support the students. they genuinely wanted to form a bond with them and be a trusted adult. they wanted their class to be a class where someone could relax and not be stressed about beforehand. overall a very different vibe than pretty much all of my other classes.

and then the next class period. same thing. same kindness. the same demeanor and manner of interacting that really solidified that this person, for whatever reason, wanted the students to thrive emotionally and be happy in their class. it definitely seemed that way to me because i have NEVER had a teacher that was like them. anyway this continues...and i am confused as FUCK.

because i am extremely confused as to why this person is so nice. why they are really kind to everyone and genuinely want to make sure they're okay and learn facts about their personal lives (which is very iffy for me). it's a kind of relationship that i would definitely not expect from a person of authority.

why the hell would you care about the well-being of the people you work with every day? (my parent has had me for 14 years and their way of showing they "care" about me is having oscillating emotions and overall actions/demeanor/manner of interacting that have made my life not a living hell, but definitely unusual and it has left scars on me i think) it's a professional environment; the only thing these people are going to be useful to you for is for executing the tasks that you give them. (why are you bothering with all this extra, let's-get-to-know-each-other-oh-goody shit?) and the question i really don't want to ask because it is coming from a source of deep shame is why do they almost seem like a parental/mentor figure?

it's like a fly to honey.

and then, i started to think about telling them. about my abusive home life. i really sort of did. and then i had to create this mind lecture for myself that i would give every time i entertained the notion.

teachers are mandated reporters where i live. which means if a student comes to them with a concern about something that could potentially be dangerous, they are legally required to report it. so if i told them about my abusive situation for example they would be legally required to report it.

and then what happens? CPS and cops and a bunch of shit gets involved. emotional and psychological abuse is the second hardest kind of abuse to prove in court. and my parent would just clean up their act and present a clean slate. and they would leave. and then it would be a living hell for me.

and besides, there are many many details about that life that i haven't even told people close to me. not my therapist, who i've told the most--some of these things are extremely shameful to me. i've been here so long now i don't even know what's abnormal anymore. it's just how it is. there's nothing to it.

and besides, a lot of my desi friends also have sort of the same issues as me. if not even fucking worse. at least my other parent is sane and they are the glue holding the family together. all my parent is is codependent and emotionally immature. meanwhile their parents hit them when they were young, are sexist, strict, and say many degrading things. i have it better. my better parent has also said that.

so i really don't need to tell this teacher. and besides. i have a theory that all of this "connecting" ass shit is just for this year. when we progress to the classes afterwards with that same teacher, i guess he'll still be all kind, but he won't be like "let's get to know each other" and all that. which is a small joy. and here is how i deduced this.

i went to back to school night. it's a discussion for teachers to parents about what happens in their classes. and this teacher told the parents that they wanted to foster a supportive environment for the students and has been checking in on us and is making sure that everyone is getting acclimatized to each other.

and i'm also in a club that this teacher runs, with students from these other (more advanced) performing arts classes and they definitely aren't as "let's foster connections"-ish as they are in my class. so i am very certain that at least some of this perplexing behavior will disappear next year. so all i have to do is stick it out.

however, i still get confused sometimes. why the hell does this person care? when my own parent didn't? why do i see this person as a mentor instead of someone in a professional environment and the connection shouldn't extend past the bounds of formal?