#i gotta. work on this but idk how. therapy fucking failed cause i forgot about it 💀
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Sometimes I feel like doing this with my brain
#its 12 am and i should probably sleep instead of rambling but#man. its rough having your fav blorbo be a fucking terrible person#cause on one hand you have the villain woobifiers and people who just completely ignore major aspects of a character for a fucking ship#and on the other hand you have people who hate you for enjoying a character. and thinking said character is interesting#and yeah yeah i know not everyone will like me and i should just ignore it and keep on doing what i enjoy but. ugh.#and im also constantly worried that ill fuck up and become a villain woobifier myself#and im also constantly worried that when im writing my cannon blorbos ill fuck up and write something super ooc and people will get mad.#i think fandom was a mistake#but i also wouldn'tve met the besties without fandom so? you know. everything's got two sides#this is such a stupid thing to get all upset over but.#unfortunately i am a horrible man enjoyer this has been consistent my entire life.#and people usually dislike people who like your typical tumblr sexyman type character. which is fair most fans are insufferable#veils if you read this far this isnt abt you it's abt someone else. dont want to like start shit so i wont say names#but i saw. a vauge post from someone i thought was cool and i just. i knew it was directed towards the tags i left on their post#and i felt bad so now im having big anxiety over it. its really stupid i know#i am just going to retreat to my corner and hope to creation that im left alone. im just playing dress up with the blorbos#and like. they're entirely allowed to have their opinion im just. brain is convinced everyone hates me now for no fucking reason.#i gotta. work on this but idk how. therapy fucking failed cause i forgot about it 💀#but. i should sleep. its past 9pm so my brain is not to be trusted.#ok fuck it ill just say it i feel guilty that Emet-Selch is not only my favorite character but also my comfort character.#im not going to stop liking him because that wouldn't be fun. plus others opinions dont really matter i can like whatever characters i want
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I'm trying so mf hard. So much work to be put in and I'm dealing w an abusive relationship. Today's one of the good days. Hes being loving and nice and thinking about what I want too. Maybe its because hes gone broke and I've finally started giving him shit for being an asshole. Finally not taking his all his shit. Speaking up finally. Guess its paying off a little bit. Idk what's to come tomorrow though. Gotta take things moment by moment.
Yeah doing a lot of thinking though and this year is about me. Its mf about me. I will focus on myself. Not get caught up in his bullshit. Gunna have to learn how to regulate. Real easy to get upset and then just start spiraling about whatever is going on w him when I really dont need to worry about it. If he wants to fuck up let that be on him and I can keep moving on my own path. I dont have to know everything all the time. I can't. It's too much stress on me. Gotta move on sometime.
Just wish this shit was easier.
Gotta just start focusing on shit I enjoy more. Start working out again, doing yoga, doing more things with my family. Start focusing on my career. Finish school. Start looking towards my future. Get paid more and get therapy. Start to figure my head out. Get my thoughts in order. This shits important. Man I've been so out of wack. Just when I was starting to figure my shit out a little this mf stepped into my life and set me back 10 paces. Maybe its what I needed though. You know like a reality check. Hard lesson though. But I guess I learn the hard way. Think back on those days right before I met him when I was in a three way relationship and man I thought I was getting my shit together but I was still so fucked up. Drinking almost every day. Smoking hella weed which ain't bad at all actually relaxed me better than drinking. Hooking up with random guys on tinder. Lookin for a friend in anyone just wanting to be accepted somewhere. Found it in a threeway relationship that was toxic. Found it in so called friends that didn't give a fuck about me and actually talked shit. Was just trying to come out of my shell at the time and experiment and it wasnt really hurting me too bad but what I was doing wasnt really positive. Ended up going to the bar every other night and drinking with my neighbors and when I got with logan that shit only got worse. Flunked school told everybody I graduated my program. Technically did just never bothered handing I my papers. Then it just kept getting more depressing. Here I am now and shits better cause we finally live alone together. No longer live with his toxic family members. Not living with his uncle or his parents. Shits way better less stress on both of us.
Yeah anyway. Time to get my shit together hey. Focus on myself for once. Look at how much I've failed chasing after someone else and trying to help them. I forgot about myself.
can you do me a favor?
love yourself
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