#i got to see my cousins this past weekend and it wasnt enough

[midniallsnack]

i am totally sleep deprived and with no sleep comes the ability to cry waterfalls so forgive me if it happens but there is just so much to be grateful for.

where would i be without my friends and my family. how do i even begin to thank them for everything they have done for me throughout my lifetime. i feel like im an endless space of love and there is just so so much of it in my heart and i think im going to explode from it. im overflowing with it and there is such little time. what do i do? i need every person i know whenever i spend time with them that it is time well spent and that i love them and that i am cheering them on. truly, i believe this is what we are born for, to love and love and love and love endlessly forever and ever

[dvar-trek]

wip weekend

everything's fine i am just having multiple consecutive hell weeks at work it's fine. anyway, here's 87 pictures of what i've been up to.

mitts: bizarre problem encountered when i got to the end of the first mitt. pattern said to pick up stitches along the cast-on edge and use the three-needle bind off to join the edges, but drop 8 of the picked up stitches for the thumb hole. and then.... never says what to do with the yarn from those dropped stitches.

sent it to my cousin, the family's reigning pattern queen, who agreed that there's just. a step missing from this pattern or something. so i cast off as normal, and i'm going to block them flat and seam them.

behold! mitts!

i do desperately want to know what i was SUPPOSED to do though. after many experiments, this is the closest thing i could come up with, and it involved 3 working yarns, 4 needles, and 6 ends to weave in (plus more when i add the wrist strap on the real thing).

and the resulting hole seems.... not that stable ? the white tail that emerges from the thumbhole really REALLY wants to let loose and unravel.

now taking suggestions for 3N BO that leaves a functional thumbhole, if any of you are so inclined. i so dearly want to know what the designer had in mind.

bag: hurts my hands 😭

i might be stuck knitting flat for the rest of my life tbh.... i'm going to try moving up a cable length (16" to 20") to see if that helps at all, but it's been a significant strain on my grip and wrists so far. not as bad as on DPNs, but. not good. also not loving this yarn. i'm using Lamb's Pride bulky in Prairie Fire, which is a great color, but the yarn itself is sooooo slippery and splits sooooo easily that it's not really. the most fun i've ever had. switching from rosewood tips to bamboo tips helped a bit in this case, but. we'll see!

slippers: i started these at my dad's house, and finished them this past week.

i used Lang Snowflake in 1072.0087 (aka pink) and the pair took less than the full skein. had to restart twice because i wasnt compensating enough for my tiny stitches. ultimately CO 42 st, including 3 st garter border on either side. with so many stitches, i split the decreases into 3 rows (one row of k1, k2tog and 2 rows of k2tog. straps are 4 st across.) (<- boring notes for future nyx that could go on ravelry, but i don't have the patience for that).

very happy with the finished slippers! they came out a little long—if i make another pair in the future, i'll have to go down a half to a quarter inch—but they're warm and cozy, and the straps keep them from falling.

ALSO! this week at work was a conference week, so while listening to speakers i got a fair amount of knitting in. i wasn't the only one knitting, but i still fielded sO many judgemental questions and comments about my slippers.

a few of my favorite students want to learn to knit now though, so i might be starting a weekly lunch series with them! they spend so much time in class, and hopefully being able to knit during lectures will keep them from a) falling asleep and b) going on twitter. currently brainstorming how to execute this, but cautiously excited about the possibility.

just started: an experiment combining two patterns.

if it works out, i'd like to use it on what's left of the yarn i made the mitts with.

bonus content:

comrade boris is ready to be adopted! tell all your friends!

[323398149]

Hey besties. Another happy vibes post I guess. More like major life moment has been going on slash being prepped for and I haven't been able to process it properly and then I realized yknow what I gotta just journal it out bro that's the only way anything ever comes together for me.

So

Hello future old amms.

Three weeks ago your healthy parents booked an umrah trip for you and your sister. And you guys didn't even have passports yet so that was step one. And you went and got your photos. Oh wait gotta add detail you were at the gym about to do a madfit app upper body workout when ur mom called to congratulate you and then I was like uh can I get my pictures today and go tmr? And she was like sure anyways you went to the office near the peo office gah and yeah went to pick them up in the subway a week later. And yeah then you read an umrah prep book and made notes and then you've been shopping for necessities and coaching Fatima zohra twice a week. So that's pretty much been ur life. Also you went to your first Patel cousins potlock dinner and humairaa took you guys out for dinner last weekend. So that's pretty much been what's up.

So what that means is you stopped applying to jobs, you stopped going to the gym, and you honestly haven't got as far as you'd like to have with your knowledge prep. You've been listening to an audio discussion of sealed nectar tho so that feels good oh and you purchased your first ever own Quran!

Anyways you've also reflected a lot a lot on the past year and how much you've changed since 22. Your physical appearance has changed a LOT! lol you're way stronger looooool like not to say you're strong but just strongER than you were before which was random pains. OH SIDE NOTE you also cleaned the basement donation pile. And your hair is way shorter, you eat proper meals and you're less tired cause you get to sleep in all the time. You smile and laugh and are a person with a personality who reads books and makes jokes. You're alive. And you're so grown up lol.

Your friends tell you you're more calm. Oh I ALSO spent one day with zaibaa at her classes for her big kid engineering school and that was so dope and inspiring. Gaaah that's a whole other excitement to talk about. So yeah it's been an eventful start to the year.

Anyways back to the topic. A year ago you got sick and in the moment before you passed out you called out to your mom to alert her that something was wrong and as you were dropping and everything felt far away, you thought "thank goodness I didn't do the haram thing that was dangling infront of me 2 months ago" lol and in the hours after I realized like shit, I'm so grateful that it was that thought instead of one of fear of death and regret. Like yes obvs those were still there but there was a relief. And honestly that wasnt me, that was allah that stopped me and protected me from myself and from jahanam yknow? Anyways which started you on a slow crawl journey back to your faith, a reversal of like 3 years of pulling away. Idk maybe the journey has already started and halted before that but yeah. It's been such a slow crawl which means I still feel so behind where I'd like to be but I still love being able to look back and see that there HAS been progress.

So yeah a year ago I had told me classmate that my parents wanted us to go to umrah in may after exams but no way I wasnt ready or mature enough or at that place in life and I was gonna tell them that I didnt want to go. And here I am, terrified and not at all feeling ready yet still excited kinda. So that's the thing and what I want to say. Like I haven't really let myself get excited because idk I lowkey feel so undeserving loool. But yeah I guess now I need to put myself into that excitement because I need to prepare my soul for this big life moment that's happening and now it's really here and it's happening loooooool if that makes sense idk.

The main thing for me is working on forgiveness and like letting go of grudges and hard feelings. I lowkey dont even know how to gah but imma google it and figure it out tmr morning and then just work my way through everyone I know and like let shit go in my heart.

Honestly even a few weeks ago I couldn't imagine myself even WANTING to do that looool rip but anyways now thinking about it I'm like damn that acc sound kinda nice and like I'll be lighter. I'm looking forward to letting go now which idk if you know me loool idk that hasnt been my vibe in the past. So yeah I'm excited. I hope it all works out. By it all I mean everything. This trip, getting a job, starting a life, dying, the afterlife loooool I hope it all works out haha

[shametheshadow]

It's been a while. A lot of shit's been going on since I was last kinda active. Sorry, I dont remember how to hide this under a read more line... feel free to scroll past if you arent in the mood for existential whinging. I got a new job and it's pleasant. The people are nice. It's still food, but it's at a fancy restaurant where the management actually cares and tries to keep their crew happy. The hours could be better and I'm currently sick of salads with how many I've made. They give hours based on reliability and if you're a hard worker who is nice to work with. But like... everybody is nice and hard working so it's hard to just muscle in sometimes. But on the positive side I've dropped ten pounds, probably thanks to how light my wallet is. Had an issue with my little brother. Well, there's been an unspoken issue for years that I've been trying to just give him space on, but it finally came to a head. I called him out and he said some pretty hurtful things. I saw him on Christmas, but it wasnt the same. I think it kind of damaged something between us, or at the very least it certainly has me. I think, as people, we build these pillars of absolute truths into our identities. The things we know without a doubt, that we can rely on to stay true even when things are bad. Like, that the sky is blue or that a parent we have will always love us. When those truths are shaken they really make you wonder what else could be wrong or if there was ever any truth in it to begin with. For me, no matter how bad I felt or hated myself, I knew I could be a good sister. I'd throw myself down for it. I have done so, unfortunately, many times before. We all see the world a little differently, so my truth may not be the truth someone else sees. I dont know whether that makes it any better, but I certainly feel unsure about more things now than I used to. Some days I even feel like giving up on our relationship. I'm just too tired, too worn down, and I don't think I can handle being called a failure again. Which sucks, because I dont really want to. I just want to know how to fix it, even though I'm not sure I have any more energy to try again if it's just going to lead to another failure. And on top of all of that my bio dad and all those siblings are tasting the bitter consequences of their actions. My youngest sister got taken away from her parents because instead of breaking up and being adults about it they have to be petty and cowardly. One has unchecked anger issues mixed with plenty of excuses and the other thinks she's owed some sort of respect despite her immature actions. Thing is, I've had plenty of talks with my bio dad about the effects their toxic relationship have on his 6 year old daughter. He knows. He isnt stupid or blind. He'd just rather keep it going despite everyone's unhappiness and dig a deeper hole so he doesn't have to risk losing custody of his daughter if they break up. And here we are now. With his daughter taken away and given to our 21 year old sister who doesn't have a clue. And they've failed to regain custody once already. And you know the fucking hilariously tragic part of it? Me and my sister Des are the only two without some sort of record so nobody else in the family can help. Just a fucking warning for any teens out there who think being a gangster is cool, life always has consequence. Doing drugs, selling pills, pimping, stealing cars, assault, having unregistered weapons... my family has probably done just about anything. Apparently my bio dad's stepfather even threatened to shoot my grandma once. There's an argument to made about the environment they all grew up in, but I really wish people would just have the self awareness to realize that things will always find a way to bite you in the ass and it's it big enough then it'll get the people around you too. I normally get my sister on weekends, but I need to work Saturdays as a requirement for my employment. I try to cut it short so I can be there when they drop her off, but half the time they dont and send her somewhere she isnt supposed to go. I'm risking my job trying to be there when I'm needed, just for them to change their mind at the last second because I wasnt home soon enough. They'd rather risk losing our sister to the system by breaking the rules. CPS doesn't play around. I've had to tell them two or three times that I couldn't take our sister because I was sick or dealing with some really stressful family stuff that Koral didnt need to be there to see. Every time I feel like the punishment is that they stop letting me see her by not bringing her over anymore. Then out of the blue they call on a weekday and ask if I can take her because she has a day off or something. I have never once said no but every time it sends me into an anxiety attack because I can't handle being kept in the dark until they need me. It's got me so worked up that sometimes I genuinely wish I had never been told my dad wasnt my real dad. Of course, I know that by knowing I can help a little girl who needs help, but I wont lie and say that I never wished I didn't have time deal with any of it. I got the news today that my bio dad is in trouble for something else, though they wouldn't say what. So they arent going to give him custody until that's settled at the very least. Shortly into it my sister had asked me to take over the guardianship. I was so out of the loop that I thought the question was absurd. I thought they'd pull it together and get her back in a short time, so what would the point of moving her to another town and school be? How would I go about that? What would the home requirements be? Would I be able to provide for the both of us? I wouldn't be able to leave work until 4 at the earliest shift, so would after school stuff be best or daycare? There's so much that goes into taking care of a kid to just spring that question onto someone. Now it's been four or five months and I'm hating the idea that she's stuck there in the middle of it all more and more. People keep telling me I should take her. Even my manager after I broke down and told him everything after my sister's call left me a mess at work, said that I would be the better option. I know what it's like to be fought over in custody battles and I understand way too well the fear of being taken away from your home as well as what it's like to change schools. I dont want that for Koral. I dont even know if I would be the better option. I talked to my cousin, whom I live with, about it for a while last night and she said she wouldn't be opposed to having Koral with us... but I feel bad making this her issue too. I want what is best for my sister. She's way too smart. You know when unqualified pet owners get a dog breed that is really smart and they struggle to meet the needs to keep it entertained so it just makes trouble? That is what my sister is like. My family has their strengths, but Koral is 6 and could run circles both physically and mentally around them. It might be "funny" now, but Lansing itself is a shitty influence on people and by the time she's a teenager and wants to go to a party, nothing is going to keep her from getting out short of bars on the windows and doors. The only thing stopping her from doing it now is motive. But would I do any better? I genuinely dont know. I wish I could talk to my brother about it. He knows where I come from and, even if he thinks I failed, he could at least tell me how to be better so I dont fuck up again for a little girl who is in a situation similar to one we were in. I asked Des today if she wanted to talk to their case worker about transfering guardianship. She said she's have to talk to her dad... which is bullshit. He lost the right to dictate where Koral goes when he fucked up. How is he supposed to be motivated to fix this if the only thing that has changed is that she doesn't sleep in her bedroom anymore? He shouldn't see her when he wants to or be able to say what happens to her. And I dont say that because I think he shouldn't ever be able to, because I want him to step it up, I just feel like he wont if things keep going as they are. I dont want to lose my sister to the system. Supposedly the social worker said that Koral also has to stay in the same school and can't see anyone not on the already approved list of people for the sake of consistency... but that's stupid. I know that changing schools can be traumatizing, and if Lansing was a good place to live and raise a kid, then maybe I'd try to make that work, but it isnt. So it makes me wonder that if I came to the table with a clearly stable, appealing plan would they change their minds? If it were my choice, I'd have her in therapy to help deal with everything, maybe a sport like gymnastics or whatever else she might be interested in to keep her engaged. I'm planning a kids d&d session for her and another kiddo that she plays with when she's here because last time she found my monster manual and got obsessed. And I know it wont be all good. She's a handful and a brat, and she can be a force of nature when she doesn't get her way, but I've been an older sister since I was five and my family didnt out up with bratty behavior. I know how to deal with it, and I also know how to use the internet and other resources to learn. Hell, I live with a child therapist/youth minister. I know I could do it. Even if it ended up being a permanent thing. I'm torn between the fear of not being enough at the expense of my sister's wellbeing and knowing that I'd gladly twist myself into a pretzel to try and do right. But when it comes to other people, especially a kid, is trying enough? Good intentions don't equal a quality of living. So yeah, that's where I am right now. Trying to be better and figure out who I am while also being incredibly stressed out and lost. If you read through this, thank you for listening to this TED talk. I'm open to advice.

[96xie]

2019

a whole summary of this difficult year

2019 was full of unexpected good and bad surprises along with lessons and experiences.

january

spent good time with mocha, wayo and brian

had such a good time with guildies from our game

met up with some other ppl from the same game and didnt feel too good bc i was never good with crowds and/or groups that were already well established

tried tinder for the first time because i thought it would be nice to put myself out there for once

feburary

continued my tinder journey and actually had fun with it. it was pretty scary at the same time because it was such a new experience talking to other people and to have them notice you? because i always knew and felt that i wasnt really the desirable one.

actually hooked up with a guy from last months meetup and hung out twice. thought it was going somewhere because he, too, showed signs to progress further ((was wrong because he lied and showed red flags later))

one major red sign to me: no response after genuinely saying thank you for rides and dinner. im the type of person who always says thank you because im honestly grateful for the little and big things. he basically shrugged it off.

also, a huge liar. yah, big no

i brought him to my friends birthday bc they and himself wanted to meet each other, it was fun while it lasted but stuff happened

towards the end of the month, i cut my ties off with him for being awfully mean to me and also cut ties with my “friends” for having really bad assumptions of me.

i was frustrated with myself at that time bc his cats gave me a bad breakout and i felt super ugly. also i wasnt sad over him, but over the fact that i let myself be treated like a second option. eventually i learned that it was good that i didnt let things go further and that i only deserve the very best.

even though i was hurt, i thought it was a good experience, esp since i havent really been in the “dating game” for years. like it was a just a small step to putting myself out there once again

a week later after that a classmate asked me out and got tons of compliments from him and wondered “the universe really works in crazy ways”

march

met some cool people through the same mobile game on a discord server and they were much better than the first group.

also met this really funny dude in the same group. like he was so fun to talk to and he understood my dumb lingo

remember when my classmate asked me out on a date? it turned out a bit weird. but considering this was my first date in YEARS i thought it was a cool experience. got some carne asada fries outta him

i had the dude i was talking to call me so i could leave the date tho LOL ((he helped me lots, esp how to deal with awkward situations with my classmate. also at this point, i really liked talking to him but i wasnt rly sure if i wanted to date other guys bc i had been hurt previously)

this month was pretty much dedicating most of my time talking to him and i enjoyed it alot

also went to pubs for the first time to hangout with my coworkers. such an interesting place

april

tried rollerskating for the first time ever, ended up with a bunch of bruises but it was cool!

also tried 7leaves for the first time and instantly fell in love with mungbean

also went clubbing in sf with my friends and it was such a fun time like i had SO much fun

i got auctioned off of SAD! that phase was just a crazy ride. while there was many that dm’d me, there was only one special person that i only replied to and continued to talk to him on a daily basis

((honestly, i was scared that i was taking things a bit further with him because a part of me was like “are you ready for this?” and “have you really recovered from that guy?” or “can you give this guy your all?” just alot of overthinking))

spent 4/20 at sf with my friends, and overall had a GREAT time. took too many hits and drank so ya gorl was crossfaded. not sure if i wanna do tht again tho

unfortunately woke up with a swollen face and it lasted for a LONG time.

may

so my face is still swollen, still bad, red as a tomato and at this point i was really hesitant to meet up with the guy ive been talking to. i mean!! my skin was SO bad. i felt like i was gonna make a fool out of myself by scaring him away

but,,,, he was still willing to see me despite my appearance and : ( he was so accepting and typing this makes my heart ache bc he is SUCH a good man : (

i met up with the guy towards the end of the month in sj and first thing he does when i walk up to him is give me this great warm hug and so many smooches !!!!!!! like my heart is melting

eventually we became official !!! he got us an airbnb for the night and we jus spent time cuddling on the bed and honestly i : ( i like him so much

june

my birthday wasnt rly that like “wow” it was actually kinda annoying

my bf flew up to sf where we met up, explored the city and slept the night in at an airbnb. next day went to oakland where i introduced my friends to him!

went to my first festival with several with my friends, including ppl from our same guild from our game and it was SO fun

rolled for the first time and it was SUCH an experience. redosed like twice and ended up hallucinating which is something ill def not do again

also i really wished my bf was with me at that time : ( while i had an extremely fun time, i wish i shared that moment with him : (

july

went to vegas for my cousins 22nd bday. shit was wild

also rolled there.

also threw up for the very first time

a fight broke out at the club and that shit was fuckgin CRAZY and it was RIGHT next to our table

also used alot of my money for the whole trip in which nobody really told me about so …. i was like ok.. fuck …

also my skin was still bad during these past months so it was pretty hard masking it

like really hard. with someone with terrible eczema, its just extremely hard to hide it

august

bf flew to sac!!! he met my mom for the first time and we explored the city and stuff

and went on an ikea date! and! honestly i just really loved spending time with him :c

we also spent time with my friends! they came over also! and ate some fuckgin bomb ass waffles

and then took bus down to la to meetup with some friends from our guild towards the end of the month!

it was pretty nice to be able to stay with my bf in his apartment !!!!!

also some scalding tea but thats rly for another time

to make it super short tho: our friend that we’ve known much longer than the girl he met (less than 3 months) dropped our friendship SO quick lol

september

cousin bonding @ beach, too cold for tht doe

towards the end of the month, my bf flew me down!!! so i spent the weekend with him and like always, only had a good time with him!

AND ALWAYS EATING GOOD FOOD!

october

during this fall semester, i took online classes and one of them was a 8week class. there was a topic about mental health and how we can take care of ourselves better and i just thought it was such an important thing to cover. i feel like its not talked about enough

november

spent thanksgiving with my family down in morgan hill and ate good food! honey ham has a special place in my heart.

went black friday shopping first at walmart, lowkey disappointed in myself because i was bummed out the apple watches were sold out. the materialistic part of me jumped out oof

slept at my cousins then went to the mall! didnt get anything besides really good bulgogi fries. i hated going into stores tho cuz everything was literally crowded. hated it !!!!!!!

went to a small festival in sacramento with my friends at the end of the month and this time is 7 of us (than the usual 5)! it was sososo fun.

also took my coworker with me, it was actually amusing to see bc our group were all asian and he’s the only tall white guy

made hotpot at home and we also went out for milktea and waffles again! sooo good.

december

flew down to see my bf again and only had a good time! went to this garden with beautiful lights and ! ugh! SO pretty!

cried in his bed before my flight back, cried on the plane, cried at home and cried before i slept. i miss him

also racked up alot of hours so i could pay for my tuition and my family’s bills. kinda sucks bc im pretty tired but i gotta do what do i gotta do.

christmas was a bit lonely bc my mom went to the philippines and i dont rly talk to my brother but my kuya came the next day and we ate n watched stuff

overall, it was a whacky year. but im so glad to have met ed. he means SO much to me. a part of me was so hesitant to date him because i mean, he’s man with his life set. i dont have a car, im still in school, i have this part time job where im giving my mom all my paychecks and which the only money im keeping is just my tips (not much), i still have issues with myself and other conflicts and honestly theres much to do, learn and grow from. but he’s so supportive, understanding and loving and i love and appreciate him from the bottom of my heart. most of the time i wonder if im doing and if im being enough for him. i worry about that alot but he’s so patient with me. i laugh alot when im with him and i feel so happy.

did i mention that we are long distance? him being in la and me in sacramento. so the only thing thats connecting us is facetime. maybe once every two months will i see him in person but yep. when i had my first panic attack, i really wanted him right next to me. at that moment i felt even more sad because of course you’re gonna want you’re significant other during a moment like that. but anyways, i always miss him and i always want him next to me and i always love him. i want to hurry up and get my education done with so i can be with him. not to sound like omg im so madly infatuated with him type of thing tho. he’s someone who understands me and knows how to love me.

i hope 2020 treats me well despite all the challenges ahead of me.

[prettyinmud]

an open letter to the humans who hurt me.

I understand that some people have had it worse, believe me. I’ve built walls to stop myself from opening up because of how many people i’ve trusted in the past who just told me “it’s not all that bad, it could have been worse.”

To the father that hurt me, yes it could have been worse, it always can be worse, but it wouldn’t have to be bad at all if it weren't for you. You lit the first match that burnt my whole life down. You stayed long enough for my sister to know what a family looked like. You packed her lunches and read her stories and took her fishing. You worked and payed bills and came home to cook supper. You were a husband, you were a daddy, you were amazing.

when it was my turn, you stopped all that. you couldn’t keep your fucking unfaithful eyes off the woman across the street. the woman who watched us so my mom could have a night off. you played family with her, we were the babies, you were the daddy, she was the mommy. but she wasnt my mommy. my mommy was at home crying, not knowing where she went wrong.

when i was 3 months old you walked out and you walked right in to a new family. you saw us every other weekend, but you saw them every day. You were a daddy again, but to the wrong little girls. Daddy, you were the first one to break my heart, you broke it into a million pieces and i can never explain to you how hard it is to fall in love and give my heart to someone when its not all there. You took a piece of it with you because i love you so much and you’re gone. I mean you’re not really gone, you’re off with the next bitch that you chose over us. I’ll never be the same, because i don’t know what its like to have a father.

I cant explain how wrong it is that when i picture you, i picture you with a bottle, bottoms up daddy. Every now and then i get a different picture, the one where you’re smashing your head off the walls because you got so drunk at my going away party. The party YOU threw to show your little girl that you were going to miss her when she moved away. I slept on the neighbours couch that night, after crying for hours and in the morning you acted like nothing was wrong. That was the last memory i had of you for a whole 7 months.

To the mother that used me, i understand that you’ve had it rough too. i really do. I watched from a really young age, all the suffering you had to go through. I know it was hard raising two girls on a one person income. I watched you bust your ass, and i appreciated it every day. But what gave you the right to manipulate me?

You were working, i was going to school. we both came home tired every day. we both could have helped out. we could have shared the chores, we could have shared the duties. but you put it all on me. 14 years old is too young to do all the housework, all the cooking, all the stressing.

I tried to have a social life, but i ended up going my whole life without having a best friend because the only best friend i had time for was you. I was so brain washed because whenever i refused to do something you called me an ungrateful bitch. So i was grateful, i was grateful that you gave birth to me and i was grateful that you put a roof over my head. But part of me hates you every day because i almost failed high school because of you.

to the boy who raped me, i had the biggest crush on you in high school. you were always so quiet, i dont think i ever saw you say a word to anyone. but trust me i noticed you, every day i noticed you. you were just starting to grow a beard, and it looked really good. I was so attracted to you. I was smitten when you got on the same bus i took home every day. I was smitten when you got off at the same stop. I was smitten when you entered the same building where i lived. I can’t remember how we ended up actually talking for the first time, but remember being smitten when i found out you lived in the apartment right next to mine. 

sometimes we would text and then we’d both sneak out and sit in the stairwell of the building and we would just talk. We talked about your brother, your cousin, your mother, our friends, our hobbies and our dreams. I was smitten the first time you kissed me.

but shortly after the first kiss you expected more. I explained that i wasn’t that kind of girl and you would just tease me. I was smitten, so i didn’t realize how dangerous that was.

we both lived on the bottom floor of the building, with views of the parking lot. You used that to your advantage, didnt you? you watched my mom leave one night and you came and knocked on my door. I was smitten, so i answered.

You pushed me in and closed the door, you didnt even move out of the front hallway, you just pinned me against the wall and ripped my clothes. I cried and tried to fight you off, but you had a lot of power over me. You bit me so hard my skin was blue for weeks, it was hard to make excuses. I won’t go in to detail about what happened after you dragged me into my own bedroom, my own bed. I can’t have sex in my own bedroom anymore, thanks for that.

As if it wasn’t bad enough, seeing you for the rest of high school, skipping 3 days a week so i didnt have to face you, i still see you. You go to the gym next to my work, we take the same bus sometimes, we shop at the same walmart (because theres only one nearby) 

every time i see your face, my heart sinks to my toes and i can’t help but cry. I’m still scared when i hear knocks at the door. You fucked me up beyond repair.

To the boyfriend who abused me, i think i could have handled the physical abuse, i would have escaped without long term damage. I could have kept some of my sanity, some of my confidence, i maybe would have ended up alright in the end. But not only did you lay your hands on me, you fed me backhanded compliments every day, and then those turned into flat out insults. From there, insults turned into arguing, and arguing turned into screaming and yelling, and that turned into you threatening me. Threats turned into you raising your hand or stomping towards me. and then the real bad stuff happened.

you made me feel ugly every day for months, you’d insult my hair, my clothes. fuck, you even told me you’d rather be with my best friend.

I almost lost a job because i had a panic attack when i saw a mop and remembered the night you hit me across the face with one in front of my two best friends. When i see an open window, i remember the night i got half way out of one before you dragged me back in by my feet. When people raise their hand for a high five, i flinch and cover my face and they get insulted. When i see a Chevy cavalier i think of when you used take sharp corners so i would hit my head against the window.

 sometimes i fantasize about being confident. Something that seems so simple is what i day dream about. Some days i think i’ll be normal some day, and other days i hold a blade to my wrist with a suicide note beside me. Some days i listen to trap music while i do my makeup and dance around my room in my favorite outfits, and other days i listen to sad music and i sit in baggy clothes and stare at the wall for what feels like hours, thinking about reasons that i shouldn't end my life.

but for now i am here. I am breathing and i am eating and sleeping and i’m doing the best that i can. I just hope that life has more to offer than this.

[plinian]

C2E2 ROUND UP POST

this past weekend was C2E2 and it was incredible! i got to hang out with, and meet some, amazing people! got to get my cosplay on! just basically i am so glad that the big chicago con turned out to be so amazing and even though i am very broke, i didnt need money to make it fun and worth while! 

now, time for that round up post:

obviously first off is cosplay, i cosplayed all three days which was super fun and thankfully (almost) all of my cosplays were comfortable enough for me to get around and see the con without any issue! 

friday i was bobbi morse, in the style of the mockingbird 8 cover. which was perfect for exploring the show floor in though i did get stopped a number of time by people asking me what exactly my "feminist agenda" was (which tbc is kiss cute girls)

saturday, i was the agents of shield version of madame hydra, which was a hit in the best of way. which was most people telling me how evil and awful she was and getting my photo op with iain de caestecker where we looked "evil" 

sunday, i closed out the con with my bombshell jesse quick which was when things got complicated because apparently knowing how to ice skates does not mean knowing how to roller skate and i may or may not have fallen down 3 times before giving up and dropping my skates off at the age of geeks table in cosplay central

really one of the great things about cosplaying is being recognized for your character and each time i had that happen. with bobbi i was stopped a lot for photos, which was helped by the fact that the lovely @geeky-mikaboo was dressed as america chavez! with madame hydra, i took one step into the convention center and was stopped for photos instantly + hanging out at aos stuff all day made me recognizable.  while with jesse quick i had a few people recognize me (someone yelled "i love you jesse quick" while i was on the show floor, i did get called bombshell flash a few times and "one of those iron man dancers"???

some celeb highlights include:

 the wynonna earp panel + meet and greet afterwards. i didnt even know this was happening until the day of but it was such a wonderful surprise! the panel was really chill and the cast was just right there mingling with us all before it started  -  we gave tim rozen recommendations for what good chicago food he had to try when he was in town, including chicago style hot dogs! - i got selfies with the guys ( this and that ), who were all so incredible and just very fun to talk to- talked to new cast member varut about who good legion is and how he should read mockingbird among other lady led comics (he called me a feminist icon when he autographed my poster)- emily andras was incredible and just so supportive of the fans and honestly that means a lot

meeting iain de caestecker + the agents of shield panel- iain was super great and said "you're madame hydra that's incredible" when i first came up to his table - later when we had out photo op i asked him to look evil with me and iain said afterwards that he wasnt sure if he looked more confused or evil and when he wrote on my photo op he said we looked "evil ish" - we also confirmed that his evil fist is the arthur meme (tell me i am wrong??)- getting into the shield panel was a whole mess because we had an hour delay due to the projector started smoking and everyone had to be evacuated - a lot of great tidbits from the panel but honestly the highlight was iain confirming that robot sex def happened (if you want you can watch the whole panel on twitch)- just basically iain was incredible and he needs to do cons more !!

we also met elizabeth henstridge who was really sweet, and is really pretty, and it was just for a small second but she was really nice

we met zachary levi, because this line was empty and we just wanted to say hello! he was super chill and gave a shout out for mika's cousin who is a big tangled fan which was adorable. 

we met danielle panabaker and were kind of sarcastic shits but to be fair it was all meant in kindness and she probably hates us now. also we asked by sky high and if we'd ever get a sequel ? sky grad school? sky day care? 

other general highlights include:

 friday's rotten tomatoes panel,, which included the chance to get up on the big screen by tweeting with their hashtag and i may have gone a bit twitter crazy, but you guys have seen my liveblogging tv shows did you honestly expect anything less of me?? (bonus i got free movie tickets, because i made it up there so many times so guess who is seeing guardians of the galaxy 2 this weekend!)

 i did five professional cosplay photoshoots, and since you are here on my cosplay blog i know you are all excited for those !! (or well i am oops)

the mcdonalds at the convention center running out of mcnuggets and fries and basically everything, like i was lucky i got a soda by the end of the day because this place was so packed !! even tho like 20 min after i sat down to eat they apparently got more mcnuggets ??(note to self next time: pack a lunch)

drinking at the hyatt bar saturday night and all the fun that came with that!  

honestly just ?? surviving three days with only a minor cause of the con plague and a handful of bruises (mostly from falling while on skates)

last but not least, just shout out to everyone i met up with at the con there is too many people to tag! you are all amazing! 

until next time!

next con? acen, maybe? or motor city comic con? i need to decide since theyre the same weekend... 

[thegreenhorseman]

In the past 365 days a lot of blood sweat and tears have been shed.  We have officially been in our home for a year.  Since moving in you have come along with me on my journey to bring Blade home.  The work began in January; a warm spell allowed Zac and I to go outside and work in the yard.  Trees were prunes, the stream was raked, and we got to know our property.  This helped up lay our the ideas and plans for the busy year to come.  Zac and I spent time walking the property to get a solid plan.

  February blew in more winter.  The 2018 winter in New York was a snowy one.  We spent a lot of time snow-blowing, shoveling and roof raking.  In February I focused on projects in the house and learned to make my own hay nets.  March really was no better.  As the days became longer and warmer we began to emerge from the house and went back to exploring the backyard.  In March I set a goal to have Blade home by May and I simultaneously made plans with my trainer to bring Happy with him.  This helped motivate me to get things done.

  Morning Leaving Work and Heading to the Farm

Spring began at the end of March when the snows melted and left us with a shockingly we backyard.  We were so saturated you could hear the water trickling.  Equipment was rented and materials were purchased.  In the four weeks of April we cleared land (by hand), installed 300 feet of french drains, and set up one full paddock complete with the electric fencing setup.  I had also set up my new round-pen and corral shelter.  In these four busy weeks Zac and I got to know our neighbors much better.  They saw how hard we were working and we grew close.  We learned quickly that we have the best neighbors anyone could ever hope to have.

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May was the month Blade and Happy came home and we officially became a horse property.  We also adopted Bardi, our fluffy Icelandic Sheepdog who has proven to be THE MOST AMAZING DOG EVER (seriously, even non-dog people want to take him home). I continued to work hard and added the second paddock.  I also had the confidence to go try something new all on my own: mounted archery. This led to the discovery of a whole new fire within me.

  The heat of June combined with dietary changes and major life changes threw Blade for a whirlwind.  He suffered mild colic a few times which led me to suspect he was experiencing gastric issues yet again.  I spent a lot of time monitoring Blade, attending mounted archery practice, and preparing the site of our new run-in shed.

  July came and we began the big build.  My incredible friends and family teamed up to make my dreams and Zac’s carefully thought out plans a reality.  The days were long and the sun was hot.  We enjoyed the pool often.  At the end of the month two of my girlfriends made some bucket-list dreams comes true.  Borrowing a friend’s horse I went along with them to Lake Luzerne and camped.  We trail rode and even took the horses swimming.  I couldn’t stop smiling even if I wanted to.

  Facebook is a wonderful thing and in August I found an ad for some old polytape fencing.  It wasn’t in the best condition but two strands easily covered four acres.  The gentleman advertising it gave me all plus some hardware for only $25.  I put it up two weeks later; it’s not charged and runs in and around trees but the horses have a fantastic turnout pasture at the top of our hill.  This has been tremendous in keeping them out of the mud during wet weather.  I also explored another new-to-me activity, cattle sorting!

  Time got away from me in the later summer months.  Taking advantage of the weather was of the upmost importance.  I am only realizing now that I never posted about several events including our housewarming party!  We hosted nearly 60 people at our home for a wonderful barbecue.  Blade gave pony rides to my cousins and hugged my grandma.  Blade has improved so significantly that I began to desensitize him and train him for mounted archery.  Surprisingly enough he took to it quickly.  In our second session we were trotting around shooting the target on our own.  We also purchased our new ATV which has made life so much easier.  At the end of September I had to sadly say goodbye to Happy as she left my home, returning to riding at my trainer’s farm.  Before she left I made a wonderful connection with Susan Kayne, founder of Unbridled Thoroughbred Foundation.  I began fostering Zeno Bay and Vai Via a week before Happy went home allowing for Blade to become acquainted with the boys before losing his girlfriend.

  October rolled in and brought with it some cooler weather.  The boys got to know each-other and I was collecting donated blankets from some amazing supporters.  November was a great month for indoor activities.  Cornell hosted a seminar where we learned to run our own fecal floats to look for parasites.  I attended Equine Affaire again and I spent most of October and November getting to know Vai Via and Zeno Bay.  The personalities have made them both shine.  The months have been wet, however, so it’s been very inconvenient for riding and making much progress on that end.  Due to financial reasons I stopped taking lessons.  Now, at the end of December I am very much missing them especially when I want to ride and it’s either dark, too frozen, or too muddy.

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I don’t know what the coming year has in store for me.  I sense more big changes on the horizon.  Depending on how these changes play out the year can unfold into several different directions.  Right this moment I can say I would love to earn enough money to get back to taking lessons.  I hope to finally find a routine that works to help me lose weight and stay active with the balancing of horses and working out.  Unfortunately my mounted archery club is on shaky ground but I hope to practice at home.  I also hope to become a stronger more active voice for thoroughbreds by making a place for myself within the Unbridled Thoroughbred Foundation.

Also, something very important to me, is The Green Horseman.  I want to know how you think I can improve.  This year I posted 81 articles.  What did you like?  What didn’t you like?  Most of my articles are posted Thursday mornings.

Do you want to see more educational posts?

Do you prefer my journey?

…or do you like the mix?

I would like to become a more structured blogger and revamp my website to be more user friendly.

Do you want to see product reviews?

You voice is what matters most!

Below is a COMPLETE listing of 2018’s articles by month.  I thank you for being with me on this journey and hope you will continue to support me in the new year.

  [contact-form]

January (6 Posts)

01/03 – RESOLUTION TIME

01/08 – Equine 101: POP QUIZ (#2)!

01/22 – Heart to Horse Box – January 2018

01/23 – Weekly Photo Challenge: Silence

01/24 – Every Barn Needs…

01/28 – Weekend Projects

February (5 Posts)

02/01 – Will Delta Dental Cover My Horse?

02/08 – The 5Ws of an Equine Dental Float

02/10 – Playing on a Friday Afternoon

02/15 – The Power Argument in Dentistry

02/17 – When You Fall Off a Horse…

March (9 Posts)

03/01 – Protecting Our Four Hooved Friends

03/04 – Afternoon Naps

03/13 – Blame It On Heartland

03/15 – Progress

03/18 – Weekly Photo Challenge

03/19 – Poison Prevention Week: Mind Your Feed

03/22 – Don’t Judge!

03/29 – Night and Day, There’s a Difference

03/31 – I’m Drowning

April (12 Posts)

04/02 – It’s Someone’s Birthday

04/03 – Barn Cat Arnie Again

04/05 – Update on the Homemade Hay Net

04/07 – Farm Updates: French Drains

04/08 – Who Said Having Fun Can’t Be Productive?

04/09 – Busy Brain = Lack of Sleep

04/12 – Fencing Update

04/18 – Absorbine Liniment For My Shoulders, Please

04/19 – Did You Catch Me?

04/23 – What’s That Burning Smell?

04/26 – Backyard Critters

04/30 – Weekend Update 

May (7 Posts)

05/02 – T Minus 24 Hours

05/03 – We Have Arrived! 

05/08 – Farm Update

05/10 – When the Going Gets Tough

05/17 – New Experiences

05/24 – Shout-Out For the Trainers

05/31 – Overdue Update Part 1

June (11 Posts)

06/01 – Overdue Update: Part 2

06/02 – Overdue Update Part 3

06/03 – Overdue Update Part 4

06/04 – Overdue Update Part 5

06/05 – Overdue Update Part 6

06/08 – Equine 101: Horse Vitals

06/09 – Putting the Vitals to Use

06/11 – The Aftermath of Last Week

06/14 – Recovering From The Stress Dump

06/21 – On to the Next One

06/22 – Quick Fun Update 

July (1 Post)

07/31 – Summertime Slump

August (2 Posts)

08/02 – Bucket List!

08/09 – Cross Training On The Weekend

September (8 Posts)

09/13 – Horses Update

09/15 – Barn Progress

09/16 – Bad News and Good News Squared

09/19 – Mounted Archery Update

09/21 – Day 1 for Two…

09/22 – Mounted Archery at Home

09/23 – New Toys, New Tools, New Fun

09/27 – The Ups and Downs of the Weekend

October (6 Posts)

10/11 – I’m Cold Therefore My Horse is Cold

10/18 – A Needed Night Away

10/22 – Celebrate the Wins

10/23 – Everyone’s Talking About It

10/25 – Happy Birthday and Thank You

10/26 – Spending Money Like Ouch

November (9 Posts)

11/01 – A Joyful Noise

11/07 – Poop, Yes I Said It. POOP

11/14 – The Green Horseman at the Affaire

11/15 – Clinicians of Equine Affaire 2018

11/16 – The Green Horseman at Fantasia

11/22 – Happy Thanksgiving

11/26 – Blade’s Resolutions

11/27 – Tis The Season to Be Giving

11/29 – The Green Horseman’s Recommended Gifts Under $50

December (5 Posts including today) 

12/06 – Update On The Three Amigos

12/13 – The Green Horseman on Another Project: Winter Prep

12/20 – Hay, Hay You! What’s New?

12/27 –Christmas Festivities

  2018 Recap In the past 365 days a lot of blood sweat and tears have been shed.  We have officially been in our home for a year. 

[lielisstrange-blog]

I came in with a storm 2182002 straight from the gods to a hospital in Maryville Tennessee

My existance called for change, leaving the couple im told to know as mother and father to divorce

I was put in a family of a brother and a sister and on one side i had mor cousins than i could count and the other seemed to be the ones who brought me here , with so many similarities with me

Growing up i was always smiling despite the constant aruging, verbal abuse, and later on physical abuse. I smiled becouse ,be it the gods, something told me id be just fine, that its all to change soon.

I was right.

Now ages 0-2 where pretty blurry

But from what i remember of 3-6

I met new siblings called step siblings and met this woman suppose to be a step mom. I didnt like them right away, i didnt really know why. But i treated them kindly likely becouse someone mentioned in a movie you should treat others how you liked to be treated. Now at this point i spent all my years in this big house doung whatever i wanted, i knew whats up and in this big house i was a bug but i was the king bee. No one ever stepped on my toes.

Now i didnt have much toys so i used my hands, i named them bith friends.

Which was kinda sad but they provided lots of entertainment when i was bored un school . I also spent my days watching drake and josh,icarly, and basically a bunch of nick and cartoon network shows from the 90s to early 2000s. One night i remember the mother coming to the house to sleep in the gym room. I had told her and my aunt that id sleep with them that night so i kept going back and forth rooms, aunts to the left,the other yo the right. At one point i got sick of it and sat in the middle of the hall looking out the door up the stairs directly obove me. I don't think i ever chose. I remmember mamaw worked for a jewlery company and we attended a christmas ball thing once, thus i descovored i loved christmas

Until around age 5, i realised i didn't care about school, loved christmas, felt lonely on Halloween and that everyone around me wasnt like me. Or perhaps i wasn't like them,,around that age someone who was suppose to be a cousin had me do some griss things with him. When we where cought with him on top of me, we where sat in the courner. Thats all that was done about it. Now ive always been very asexual, so i saw the act as a performance of sorts and truly didnt care as it ended shortly after. Until i was kicked off my thrown and moved out with the step siblings and that father. I was treated unfairly but found it hard to care. The step brother about two years older than me started demanding im to kiss him which i thought was gross. But he said if i didnt, hed tell on me. Given he was the favorite and had actual pull in the house i had no choice but to comply. Which i didnt but hed make me. At this time id go to the mothers house every other weekend to see my sister, eat pizza, and watch 90s cartoons or Madagascar. I swear i memorized that movie. Now the kissing eacalated through out the years into worse and worse things. But i honestly never put much thought in it. I was unattached from each side of the family already so i didnt care. My memory of these years are blurry due to repression. Not the kind youd think though.

See a memory that came back to me i was about age 7. I went outside in a fit and as i walked the wind seemed to kick up and i raised my hands at the side of me slowly making it kick more. I stud on a stump and remeber making a leaf tornado. I was very happy with my work. But at these times i was being told magic was evil from the mother. I figured it was magic, got off of the stump and stomped inside.

From 7-9 i descovored more abilities almost yearly. I noticed id think of a shows episode or a line in the episode and no matter what id see that exact scene the day of or week after. It happened all the time. Id also be sitting in the car on hot days wanting a drink but knowing enough that they'd never stop for drinks. Id think this or a specific question about a person ir thing and some out, like my brain would go silent fir a moment. Then right after, one of the people in the front seat would ask that question, anwser it,or announce we're stopping for drinks.This happend so often that i assumed they had mind reading powers,i even asked them. They always said no thiugh.Another one seemed to be just magic ,like id want something to happen and the moment im not thinking about it, it just happens. Which sounds amazing but keep in mind i was trying to repress these abilities as much as i could along with memories of them so itd build up. Like when you're young and mad you might think about wanting something bad to happen to somone whoes mean to you. Now with this ability if you wanted it, just for a second, its long enough to do damage. Which,wasnt fun. Also one day i had a watch and said out loud that id descovor time... perhaps i have a time ability. I forgot to mention, when you try to repress things like this, you get KILLER headaches all the time. Like yiu cant run or jump or talk loud without feeling like your head was going to expload. I also made killer storms when angry. And i was always angry. But my abilities are fight or flight activated so itd never hurt me. Sometimes id black out and look off in a direction and use one of my powers. Like i couldn't control it, it had to get out. One time i was in a car, got angry, abd looked out a window,my mind went silent as i looked at a truck that was suppose to stop at a red light then looked at the tip of our car slowly until i was blasted back to reality as the truck hit our car. We span to the middle of the road, the two people in the frount seat crying and screeming as i sat their completely untouched with a shocked look on my face.

I remember the mother teaching the brother hiw to ride a bike,she didnt have time to teach me as well so i looked at what they where doing, hopped on my bike and flew down the hill. Now i didnt exactly know how to stop it so i mightve went down the hill straight into a tree. However, i got back up laughing my ass off and learned those little grippy things on the handles can stop the bike when needed. I then knew how to ride the bike and went flying down the hill again.

Now from 8-10 ish we lived in a house on a hill with a creek at the bottom and a church to the side. I spent those years unallowed to get on the internet, loving tv, trying to gather enough food to actually eat, saving pinnies to get 15cent candy and ever ran a little store to cell old toys. We also had an old schoolhouse in our backyeard and woods to play in, which i did often. It genuinely felt like i was growing up in a different time period as i hunted for crawdads and heard the rasist or homophobic rants from the father and step mother.

Now from about 8-11 i was shown back to the future, doctor who, and the joy of mac and cheese by my sister. The 9th doctor was my first him id seen, and i loved him and the show. Because up until this point id felt alone but he made me feel completely not alone. I also descovored i wanted to be a scientist, not even really knowing what that is yet. The gross things stopped for the most part. Also i picked up a camera phone for the first time making a video where i killed a stick and even crushed a berry to make it look of blood.

I thought it was so badass. At this point id visit the mothers house everyother weekend and sometimes go to mamaws every other other weekend. Mammaws being where my thrown originally was, although they moved to this town called oak ridge. Now i loved oak ridge. It was the original time bomb town. Ive also always had a weirdly strong connection to albert enstine whom was there. I swaer i genuinely was Nikola Tesla in a past life, he was an asexual scientist with cool hair and pure sass. The mother also moved to oak ridge. Her house had a tierswing made by my sister. I loved it there, it was a perfect time capsule until one night. We had just got there and i was playing with my binderoos as my sister was started getting yelled at by the mother. She was screaming, i think my sister threw a party or something. Then my sister got up just kinda talking her points out as the mother yelled and yelled then my sister started yelling. Then out if nowhere the one we've been calling mother, we'll now call "T" , slaped the glasses off of my sister. My sister looked shocked then left the house as T screamed. Now everytime id go over to her house shed make it seem like she was the good one, like he was evil. At this moment i knew for sure, neither of them where the good guys. So i grabbed my sisters glasses and fixed them with my bendaroos. What makes it worse is that my sister came to her house after being abused at mamaws. She knew that and still hurt my sister.

I never stopped smiling. I always knew itd get better.

Age 12 , the step brother sent false claims about my sister, leaving it to wear we couldn't see her for months that felt like years

She tought me that no one could tell me i wasnt what i wanted to be, even if it was a ninja . She tought me to fight ,how to get out of trouble, and told me stories of her stealing at my age. I only ever stole food or tiny things as we rarely had any

And now people at mamaws started ordering me around more , getting meaner , or perhaps they where always mean i just didnt care enough to catch it

I also watched harry potter for the first time and related very VERY much.

2012

We left that house with the creek and that step mother and where off to live at mamaws

Which i loved dearly as ut was the only place i was allowed to exist with out being hit or pushed or screamed at and i could go online

I descovored i love 50s music and shane dawson

I also started going to the elementary school across the street. Now with schools over the years, at first i just didnt care because it was easy and boreing, then it began where i couldnt pay attention as hard as i tried. Id look at a book and have a whole movie in my head playing about a magic book or something where ozzy Osborne came to my school to sing crazy train and hug me ...which i thought about a lot. Then the teacher would call me out for not paying attention, but it was never on perpous id just check out.i also had a habbit of always having teachers who hated me like one time in like first grade a teacher said i was in trouble and moved my car back (which was a paper car on a paper road that youd get rewarded for if you got far or punished if you got taken back). When she did that, i made it obvious that i gave no shits by sitting and saying nothing as she yelled. Hen she moved it firther back when seeing no reaction from me. Then further. Then straight up just called the father who we'll now call V. To another teacher who lout laud to the class said her dog writes neater than i.So my grades where never too good

From 2012-2014

Every morning for school at mamaws id get a little coffee, watch a little of the morning news, then head off

Every night i could, id watch boondocs or family guy with my little cousin who was basically my little brother at this point and drink some chocolate milk

Every other week, i think, we'd get our allowance and go to the same walmart on fridays to spend it

It was the most like a family sitch i think id ever had

I remember my first day of middle school, and listening to "makes me happy" by drake bell on the bus, even coming back to do homework and eat butterscotch chips for cookies

That being said after being there until middle school me and the other brother was taken by V to see his new house

I didnt want to go nor stay and i made that very clear. Something seemed,,off.

Then sure enough on the way there v told us he got back with the step mother we'll call the L (hehe)

And that they're now renting the house we're going to together

It was hell, i had to share a room with that step sister , it was back to rarely having enough to eat, virbal abuse, and general bullshit all the time

On top of that, because in oak ridge the age for middle school was one year below the requirement for this new town , i was sent back to an elementary school