#i got this dvd for my bday and the film is okay he has 9 minutes of screentime but he is soooooo yummy hehe | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

billscheft · 7 years

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For those of you who wanted to see my opening remarks at Cousin Joan Kron’s 90th birthday a week ago today, mangia....

JOANNIE BDAY REMARKS

WELCOME. THANKS FOR COMING ALL THE WAY TO GREENLAND.

I WANT TO THANK MICHAEL’S FOR HOSTING THIS EVENT. STICK AROUND FOR DINNER. MICHAEL’S HAS DEDICATED THE MENU TO JOAN. YOU HAVE YOU CHOICE OF ENTRÉE: BREAST AUGMENTATION OF CHICKEN, BEEF IMPLANTS, AND PASTA PRIMAVERA-PLASTY.

TODAY IS A CELEBRATION OF TWO REMARKABLE EVENTS: JOAN KRON’S 90TH BIRTHDAY, AND THE UPCOMING WORLDWIDE MULTI-PLATFORM RELEASE OF HER EQUALLY REMARKABLE FILM, “TAKE MY NOSE…PLEASE!” STARTING THIS TUESDAY, JANUARY 9, THE FILM WILL BE AVAILABLE ON A VARIETY OF DIGITAL MEDIA. YOU WILL BE ABLE TO DOWNLOAD IT ON ITUNES, AMAZON OR J-DATE.

AND YOU WILL ALSO BE ABLE TO ACCESS THE MOVIE ON DEMAND ON MOST OF THE COUNTRY’S CABLE SYSTEMS, INCLUDING TIME WARNER, COMCAST, VERIZON, OPTIMUM, RCN AND COX. COX, OF COURSE, IS THE PREFERRED CARRIER OF HARVEY WEINSTEIN, KEVIN SPACEY OR MATT LAUER….

NOT ONLY THAT, “TAKE MY NOSE…PLEASE!” WILL ALSO BE AVAILABLE ON A NEW PLATFORM, KRON DEMAND. THAT’S WHEN JOAN SHOWS UP AT YOUR HOUSE WITH A DVD AND A BOX OF RAISINETTS.

JOAN AND I ARE COUSINS. MY GRANDFATHER, MAX WIND, AND HER GRANDMOTHER, MINNIE, WERE BROTHER AND SISTER. THAT MAKES US 2ND COUSINS. FORGET THAT. IT MAKES ME AN EXECUTIVE PRODUCER. SO, IF YOU’RE LOOKING TO BREAK INTO THE MOVIES, GO ON ANCESTRY.COM.

WE MET IN 2009. EMAIL AFTER I WAS ON LETTERMAN. “ARE YOU MY COUSIN FROM BROCKTON?” UH-OH. SOMEBODY WANTS MONEY…. SHE CAME TO SEE ME AT THE 92ND STREET Y. I WAS PROMOTING MY THIRD NOVEL, AND TEACHING A SYMPOSIUM FOR 50-YEAR-OLD JEWISH MEN, “IS MY MOTHER MY TYPE?”

AFTERWARDS, SHE SAID, “I’M A WRITER JUST LIKE YOU. I’M GOING TO SEND YOU SOME STUFF.” IT’S THE ONLY TIME SHE EVER LIED TO ME. SHE WAS NOT A WRITER JUST LIKE ME. SHE WAS A REAL WRITER. A GIFTED AND THOROUGH JOURNALIST WITH A SINGULAR AND VIVID STYLE. SHE DREW YOU IN. I HAD NO DOUBT SHE WOULD BE A NATURAL FILM MAKER.

WE BECAME FAST FRIENDS. IT WAS UNAVOIDABLE. NOT BECAUSE WE BOTH LOVED WRITING, BUT BECAUSE WE LIVED 7 BLOCKS APART. SHE MET MY WIFE, ADRIANNE TOLSCH, AND THEY FELL IN LOVE AS ONLY TWO WOMEN WHO SPENT THEIR ENTIRE LIVES BEING TOO SMART FOR THEIR OWN GOOD COULD.

IN THE FALL OF 2011, SHE INVITED US TO A PARTY AT HER APARTMENT. TYPICAL PARTY FOR JOANNIE – GLUTTED WITH TITANS OF FASHION, ART, CULTURE AND THE MEDIA. THIS WAS A WEEK AFTER MY BOSS OF 24 YEARS, DAVE LETTERMAN, HAD A FATWA PUT ON HIM BY AN INTERNET TERRORIST. (DAVE HAD DONE A JOKE OF MINE – “INTERNET TERRORIST…. WHO SAYS OBAMA HASN’T CREATED JOBS?”)

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PARTY, A GUY CAME UP TO ME AND SAID, “I HEAR YOUR BOSS IS IN A BIT OF TROUBLE. HAVE HIM CALL ME.” HE WAS THE HEAD OF THE UN Anti-AL QAEDA TASK FORCE. THIS ARE THE KINDS OF PARTY GUESTS SHE HAS. I MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET PAUL SHAFFER’S GARDENER. SHE GETS THE AL QAEDA TASK FORCE GUY.

ADRIANNE USED TO SAY, “JOAN KRON IS MY IDOL. SHE NEVER STOPS.” AND SHE NEVER DOES STOP. RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU’VE GOTTEN AN EMAIL FROM JOANNIE AFTER MIDNIGHT? OKAY, KEEP THEM UP…. AFTER 1:00 AM? 2:00 AM, DO I HEAR 3 ? 3:30? 3:45?

“TAKE MY NOSE….PLEASE!” IS IN MY WIFE ADRIANNE’S MEMORY. WHILE I KNOW SHE WOULD BE HONORED AND HUMBLED BY THAT DECISION, IT WAS ABSOLUTELY THE RIGHT DECISION. TWO DAYS AFTER SHE PASSED AWAY, JOAN CAME TO MY HOUSE FOR THE SECOND DAY OF SHIVA. SHE WAS IN MY LIVING ROOM 15 MINUTES, WHEN SHE ASKED ME, “IS THERE ANYONE FROM LETTERMAN HERE?” “YES.” “WELL, FIND OUT WHO I NEED TO SEND THE PERMISSION LETTER TO FOR THE JOAN RIVERS CLIP….” AND I DID. IT WAS A MAN NAMED TOM KEANEY, WHO CAME TO MY HOUSE THE FOLLOWING NIGHT TO PAY HIS RESPECTS. SO, NOT ONLY DID ADRIANNE CONTINUE TO WORK ON BEHALF OF THE FILM SHE ADMIRED AFTER SHE DIED, JOAN GOT TO WRITE OFF A SHIVA CALL AS A BUSINESS EXPENSE.

SHE NEVER STOPS. BUT MAYBE, MAYBE, SHE’LL STOP TODAY AND TAKE IT ALL IN….

LET’S GRAB SOME CHAMPAGNE AND MAKE SOME TOASTS.

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