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findthefuninlife · 5 years ago

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Short Story (Been A While)

Remember This Feeling

Trees flew by the window of the car, blurs of branches and railings were all that were seen for the first six hours of the road trip. The sky went from sunny clear bright blue to gloomy dull shades of red, blue, yellow mixes. I sat in the back seat, one leg perched on top of my other, book in my lap and pen rattling against my top and bottom teeth, a nervous habit. Luckily, in my writing process it was a more well known habit for me to do this when I couldn’t think of the next turn of events. This wasn’t an inaccurate observation, truthfully it was both of these but mostly the nervousness.

She sat next to me staring out the window short blonde hair falling just before her shoulders. She could stare at the wilderness, natural environment for hours and lose herself in it. You could almost see the intoxication in her eyes, you couldn’t tell what she saw, but there was a different kind of fire in them when she was out there. Her elbow on the armrest, head propped up on her hand, pinky slightly tugging at her lower lip. She wore black sweat pants, a red hoodie with white lettering on the sleeves. Her legs were curled under her, feet sitting on the seat. She kicked off her shoes after the first hour of the ride. The string from her hoodie rested in her mouth, she wasn’t chewing on it, just had it there, a trademark I’m sure.

Aaaaaand I’m staring— again. I tore my eyes away and looked back at my half filled pages titled, “It’s Been A While”. It’s been a while since a lot of things. I haven’t been out in god knows how long, I haven’t written in even longer. Words on paper gave me a purpose, a moment of clarity, drive to be more than I ever thought I could be. In the times that words appeared on canvas I felt like I was the most important person in the world, to every character I wrote about I was their savior, their justice, their desires, everything. Writing allowed for a door to a place that I could never really be.

The eyes that were staring at me in the rear view mirror, concerned but familiar told me that in doing this was out of character or such an older sight that it’s a need for concern. Amy, my ever long best friend, friend of all friends could quote me before I even spoke sometimes. It was incredibly annoying with arguments but it’s a sign of true growth and friendship. Her husband in the passenger seat next to her was asleep, as always in these long rides to who knows where. Jules, short of Julian never had the patience or interest in car games, passing time by distracting yourself with trivial outside observations. He was calculated, quiet but get a few drinks in him and he’d be bouncing off the walls and unexpectedly the loudest person in the bar. Though the sober, quiet demeanor was often mistaken for rudeness or dislike, he proved to be a sweet guy overall. I gave him my blessing to marry my best friend only after meeting with him a few times.

A small cough came from the driver, “So,” no good conversation ever starts with ‘so’ I thought to myself.

“So, what are you writing about Niko?” Amy, still looking back at me through the rear view mirror said breaking the silence within the car.

“It’s... uhm, y-ya’ know just a short story.” Great, now I’m stammering for some reason. Sam, the friend of Amy that was invited to go on the trip with us looked up and away from the window for the first time and took a quick glance at me with my notebook and pen in hand. Her eyes were green, blue, gold, strikingly beautiful. Her lips looked soft, a shade of pink coated on top, a slight line dividing the bottom lip. The hoodie she wore held the back hairs up giving it more volume. I thought to myself that they reminded me of a golden waterfall.

“But, uh how’s driving? Do you need to switch off anytime soon?” Horribly basic question in a car ride, there was something wittier on tongue but I decided to keep things mellow for now.

“Maybe next stop, Jules’s quiet snoring tires me out sometimes, but I’m good for now. Samantha! You’re so quiet, why don’t you guys play a game or something?!” Amy, was notorious for setting people up for awkward conversations, cutting the tensions of others like it was sport.

“Well, I mean I don’t re-” Sam had started to say going wide eyed for a bit, clearly being off guard. Amy strikes again.

“So, have you ever.. have you ever..” Geez why am I stuttering so damn bad, “have you ever been outside of Delaware?” See, nothing ever good comes from a conversation that starts with “So.” Who the hell asks a question like that.

“I haven’t actually.” She looked outside again breaking eye contact with me and staring again back at the passing trees.

We were on our way out of the state to visit Amy’s brother who was in the military in Virginia. He invited her to see the ships in the ship yard and see his work station.

I started to sink back into my seat when I realized that was probably the end of the conversation and everything was starting to feel awkward. I started a side conversation with this beautiful girl and that was the best opening I had?

“Have you ever been outside the state?” Sam had asked still looking out.

“I have, a few times, but I always end up back home.” I was surprised, I rarely get asked questions in conversations I think are going down hill. Hell, most of the time it’s just me asking and the other just answers. I really need to get a life.

We both tried talking then stopping each other’s sentence.

“No, you go first.”

“No really it’s fine. It was a stupid question”

“No, no please go.”

This went on until Amy couldn’t take it anymore, a small smile starting to creep on her face in watching. “Alright! Sam then Niko!”

We both stopped when we both realized that it wasn’t just us in this conversation. Feeling like a deer in head lights I simply sat back in my seat.

Well, there goes the conversation. Thanks Ame's— now what? Peaking over I saw that she didn't turn back to the window, instead she twirled her hoodie strings in her fingers. I wanted to give it a shot; I scribbled quickly in my notebook, meticulous to not write too much to make it seem like I was going to be diving back into my literature. I tore the page out and held it in my hand. I leaned forward putting my face close to Amy, "Whatcha doing?!" The sudden jerk forward spooked her and she let out a tiny yelp. As I leaned forward I was hoping to obscure her view as I passed the note to Sam. Luckily for me, she took it out of my hand. I continued to chat up Ame's until I felt like my paper ripping was long forgotten.

The car ride went smoothly all the way up to the hotel.

We got out, stretched our legs and were in for the night.

I sat up in bed as I always did, notebook open in front of me, my thoughts written across the pages. I raked my hands through my hair hoping for more thoughts to jingle their way out of me as I did. The words "Its Been A While" titled the page. "Ya' know I used to write before all of this. Now I just scribble and tear pages out." I spoke to no one in particular in my empty room. Sometimes it was easier saying my thoughts as I wrote them out, sometimes my what I said I didn't want recorded. I'd prefer the words to fade since the nightmares won't. Maybe it'll too make them less real.

A knock at the door brought me out of screen of writers block. Before I got up to answer a slip of paper flew under the door. I'm not going to lie, a spark started in my chest and a small smile crept up on my face. I hopped out of bed flipping my notebook over on the floor. I picked up the note and unfolded it. In the car I passed a message saying, "Tell me a story" in response I saw three separate lines where she started to write and scribbled it out. Finally at the bottom it said, "Meet me in lobby then." I threw on some workout clothes and a ball cap and went out. As soon as the door shut behind me I remembered my key card to the room sitting on the nightstand. "Guess there's no going back now. "

Rounding the corner I took the fire escape down two sets of stairs and came into the lobby. It was about 10 o' clock at night, the place was empty. One receptionist sat at the kiosk legs propped on the counter reading a People's magazine. The only other person in the room was Sam, standing in the middle of the lobby by the fire place. She hadnt changed from the outfit we traveled in. I walked up unfolding the piece of paper she left me. “This must be quite the story.” She turned and smiled, “I can’t promise it’ll be amazing, but I’m not much of a writer so I thought I’d tell it to you instead.”

We ended up walking around the hotel building, then down to the pier. It was awkward at first if I’m being honest but this was a strange circumstance to begin with. I asked her what story I was in for and she responded by just talking. It started with her college days, her aspiration to leave the east coast, her troubles with choosing a major, her dream of becoming a music teacher. She didn’t have siblings, her dad worked all the time and she was kind of an introvert oddly enough since she was talking so much.

“Am I talking a lot?” She turned back at me a few steps behind and asked.

“No, not at all. College, dreams, siblings, the whole lot, I know you’re life now.” I just speculated and said what was on my mind. It’s moments like these that I hate myself and my impulses. As I said it I thought of how rude it could seem or even sarcastic in nature, which it truly wasn’t but, there it goes.

“Oh, we’ve got a comedian. Here you have a pretty girl telling you her whole life story and that’s how you respond to it?” She said with a smile.

“I am quite funny when I’m not brooding I must admit. You life sounds like something I’ve never heard before. Ame’s told me about, but small stuff, like that you were pretty and a good person, you know only things that aren’t important.”

“You do brood, for all the hours I’ve known you... aaall,” she looked at her watch then, “6 hours of knowing you.”

“6 hours and I know your whole life story. I must be quite the detective or you must quite lonely.”

It must’ve been how I said it because she perked up at that, whether it was mildly insulting, maybe true, but she responded with, “Are you quite lonely?”

I don’t know what possessed her to ask but, she saw through it, my statement to myself. The sun would come up soon, somehow the night passed us by as we walked and talked. “I am, only when I’m by myself.”

“Well that’s obvious.”

“Well you asked.”

“You know what I mean. What’s the doom and gloom of late?”

“Of late? You mean by my 8 hours of knowing you?”

This was the first time she stammered in all of the talking she did. “W-well yes, I mean, that and...”

I already knew what she was going to say.

She continued, “... and Amy told me about your brother. He—”

I cut her off with, “Enough." It came out harsher than intended but not by much. "I appreciate the chance to get to know you, Let's get going to the hotel.”

She began to speak but I already spun around and started walking. I was done with the conversation, a small heat building in my chest burning away the spark of lightning that was there. I was taller than she was and I knew my natural stride would create a good distance between us so I kept her behind me. I let the sound of footsteps behind me and the morning birds chirping fade into the background.

"Hey!" A piercing sound broke my tsunami of thoughts that were about to crash onto me. I got about 4 steps away from her before she yelled my way.

"Hey," she walked up to me, "look, I'm sorry Ame's tells people too much, but shes your best friend and she's worried about you."

"Look, I get that but I—"

"Let me finish," she put a finger up. "Ame's told me what was going on and to avoid the subject but little do you know or notice, I was one of your brother's friends. Well... mentors. We've actually met before but you were too wrapped up in your own shit to see me."

"That's not tru—"

"Yeah? Where do you know me from before a few hours ago?" She looked expectedly at me.

"You, uh... you were ..." staring at her face I did recall her. It was a faint memory but at my brothers session, the receptionist, in a suit and thick framed glasses, hair brought back in a tight bun. "You were the receptionist, at Mitch's therapy sessions." My voice choked up in the middle of his name. How long had it been since I spoke it to other people. The word tasted of ash in my mouth.

"Yes. That's true." She recoiled some, probably not expecting me to have recognized her.

"Mitchel talked about you. Said you were the light of the office, too pretty not to smile at, no matter how bad his spells were." My hands ended up in my pockets and I was clinching my sides. "Ms'antha? I believe he called you. He told me about your internship and the sessions you'd have before his therapist got in. He said you'd make a great therapist someday and that he was going to miss...you." Something stirred in my chest, something dark and impulsive. The question came out of nowhere, harsh and vile. "Did you know?"

"Did I know what?"

My voice came out darker and more pronounced. "Did—you—know?!" I was looking at her my eyes burning, fists clinched so tightly I could feel the nails digging into my palms, my arms were shaking.

"No, of course I didn't. He didn't say anything and he stopped coming in, we didn't hear the news til the second night of."

The news. Like it was something to broadcast and display. I remember hearing the headline on the TV "Troubled teen jumps off of interstate Bridge."

The burning cooled as a tear fell from my eye. I quickly wiped it away and shoved my hand back in my pocket. I realized I was too invested in this and needed to leave. As I turned back around I heard a quick lunge forward and she grabbed my arm and kept me from fully turning around. I suddenly was very conscious of her touch, it felt warm but still everything about me felt cold. I was shivering. Her fingers barely touched my skin. Most of her hand engulfed in the jacket. She turned me around and hugged me, full strength and buried her head in my neck.

"I'm so sorry." She said holding me tightly, my arms will in my pockets.

It took me a while, I had been blankly staring at nothing in particular, but i finally spoke broken hearted, "I-I don't want sorry's. I want to call him and not listen to his voice mail." That hurt, the knot in my throat was swelling, like i couldn't swallow the cannon ball down, it was suffocating. "I-Its full y'know. His voice-mail." The cannonball turned into a watermelon. I had to lift my head up to try and make it go down but it wouldn't. My shivering got worse and my vision was starting to blur from the tears. My face grew hot and my nose felt like needles were bein put through it. This was unbearable. I started to cry. Every "are you okay" every "we can talk about it" every "im here for you" every single fucking one was nothing to me. Im not okay, I dont wanf to talk about it and the only person I want here is him.

It had been 2 months since his passing and it was my first funeral I'd ever went to. Little Mitch was only 16 when he passed. I dont think I've ever experienced any pain worse than this. Life goes on but you're stuck in a perpetual state of 'what the fuck'. Everyday you look at the things that used to be and wonder how they were ever that way. Every day you look at the door and wonder when its going to open and you'll see that goofy ass smile. Everyday no matter where you go you think you see them at the corner of your eye and your waiting to kick their ass for playing the most torturous game of hide-n-go-seek ever. You wait to have a hug from behind and its them, a call to your phone with their name.

I dont know how long we'd been standing but I felt weak. I didnt want to stand anymore. Along the docks there was a tree and a patch of grass. Id found my way there and laid down closing my eyes. I dont even remember where Sam was, but I knew she was near me.

((I'm gonna come back to this one later))

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thegurlbehindthesmile · 4 years ago

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Head Storm.

If i don't take minute to write these things down they just weigh so heavy. where do i begin.

i'm frustrated.

sometimes its like a repeating nightmare. Its me and brian and we are on a 13 hour flight to Germany. this double decker plane is huge and filled with strangers and i cant see their faces. i know our destination is a long way away. im tired. and there we are in the middle row. u next to me and me on the isle. We're sharing your blue ipod with music i never really listen to and this is the moment im stuck in.

for a minute my body goes into drive. at first you think the dream would play out as i remember, but this isnt a memory its a dream and now that im more aware- more awake within the dream; im always asking myself.

why am i here? wheres juan? wheres julian? (thats right this is a dream/ im sleeping)

and i realize im meant to doo something. and i go and look at brian and its not the same. i can barely see his face and i no longer remeber the sound of his voice. its as if im stuck in my seat.

the dream is almost paused- as i struggle to put these pieces of the real memory back together. its like im waiting. im waiting for brian to speak first. im just sitting here. on this plane.

i went to russia in 2005. the trip was from philly airport to germany than germany to russia.

it was for a youth peace team mission. we met up with kids our age over there and talked about religion and life. it wasnt just us two- we had a team of our friends and it was amazing.

It was the first time i had left the country- it was the first time i had flown without my mom. first time i felt homesick. the first time i saw how big the world really is. how there is so much to see and so much going on. it was an experience.

i never knew Demisexual was a thing. (The term 'demisexual' comes from the concept being described as being "halfway between" sexual and asexual. ... The gray-A spectrum usually includes individuals who very rarely experience sexual attraction; they experience it only under specific circumstances.)

i didnt even know what sexual was- i was young naive and anything i did know about sex and beauty most likely came from the wrong place. i managed to get all the way to freshman year of highschool without really relationships that included sexual and non sexual.

freshman year was horrible. i was the new girl becuase i didnt attend the same middle school as the other kids and my prior school was MUCH smaller than the highschool i went to. but i was excited for the change. i asked for the change.

its easy to say "well idk?" when u have lack of experience. Idk why i was single so long. idk why i never wanted a bf. idk why i have never kissed anyone idk? idk? idk? (...now i know) my first thoughts were always like omg maybe noone wanted to kiss me? maybe im the weird one. less desired. not wanted. i was the problem. i imagined my body was less than perfect and i guess my attitude and demenor wasnt the dating type (lies) i just felt weird and alone.

sometimes people cant make a sexual connection unless they have an emotional connection with someone as well. it isnt prude it isnt wierd its just how it works (literally) the better and more i get to know you i can finally start feeling any real connection at all especially sexually.

this new demisexual wasnt even a thing until i was half way through my twenties...THAT and pansexual (not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity.) people would ask "well whats ur type?!" idk id say?? i didnt even realize internally i found both sexs appealing. not even just sexs just ANYone. hearts not parts we say now.

i was basiclly lost ,frustrated and didnt understand a damn thing about myself.

brian and i were friends. we went to the same church- we lived in the same town. our families knew each other. it was a very safe space for me. i didnt think brian liked me. ( i didnt think ANYONE liked me; that way anyway) i had guy friends i had girl friends i just felt like we were all at the same level. most my girl friends had kissed people, most had bfs; same with the guys. i just didnt... it wasnt that i didnt like brian- i just had no idea what any of this stuff was. how to even begin "liking someone" i wasnt stupid - i was scared? i felt scared. worried that becase i hadnt had the experiences - that i wasnt good at ANY of it. i got to know brian because he was around. youth group trips and church events ; school- we were always hanging around each other.

i was never a physical person. honestly self pleasure was the only pleasure i knew and i thought id be going to hell for masturbating so theres that complex. a secret i held tight forever.

i didnt know the more i talked and was around brian i would fall inlove with him. people SAYYY that- but in my world it was a must. it was inevitable. as long as he was open with me and vulnerable- i began to want him.

he was my first kiss. and he let me kiss him. it might of seemed innocent ( i mean it was really) but it was big for me. the only person in the world i had let in. and he was ready to reak havoc on my new world. kisses lead to make outs- making out lead to sex- and that was that. id say i was his or he was mine but i guess we were each others. i wasnt ready to do this with anyone else. i didnt think i even could. it took so long for brian to become this person for me. i was..postive; id make this love last a life time. but that wasnt the case it was a rocky 3 years but at the end of it i personally learned alot.

i still didnt know all that i said above. on my rocky one relationship road... i was frustrated. i didnt know these things existed and while life seemed easy for brian- it was not for me. i struggled and argued with myself resulting in very poor communication with brian leading to only end in sight. if i wasnt making an emotional connection with my person then it had to be the opposite; i wasnt interested at all. almost the opposite- i felt nothing.

i let the hurt find its way in- i let it block any form of fix. the emotions were turned off. and the result was sexless.

i went on a rampage and found a random lover. Peter was ..peter. i didnt know him prior to meeting him- i barely knew much about him at all. all i knew was i was numb and needed to feel again. ( now if only i had known who i was i would of tried to build and talk through these emotions, break some walls down. reopen the lines. reconnect and succeed. but i didnt know that. all i knew was i was hurting and i nolonger had my person- i wanted to feel again.) i wouldnt even say i was attracted to peter. i really wasnt "looking" at all. i wasnt looking with my eyes or my heart.

i was already pretty good at hurting myself just plain jane. but this was a whole different world. what if i could just have sex and not care. just do it and live. just feel something. and i did it. i found peter and yeah we had sex. i was postive i didnt want a relationship ( i was heading down the wrong road in the wrong direction WITH no directions) it was a mess. a mess that didnt last long (thankfully)

i look back at it now and would like to have lunch with peter. although im sure im a spek of nothing in his life stream; he was a pretty big rock in mine. mainly to say sorry. sorry for using him. more sorry that i had no intentions at all. i was a shell of person and im sorry he never got the chance to meet the true me. cuz im not that person at all. and i think he was geniune and we could of learned alot from each other.

i am 30 years old now and still to this day brian and peter are the only people ive slept with except my current husband.

ive trusted 2 (brian and juan) of those souls with my heart. my whole heart. ive been with them to the extent i lost myself. my body has craved them and known them. and they will forever have a piece of me. they took with them what insecurities i had and threw them out the window. i was engulfed and loved and it didnt stop. i had alot of sex with brian as i currently have alot of sex with juan (my husband)

if i had known who i was then i would of talked to more people. resulting in more meaningful connections. resulting in more stories and experiences to tell about. girls guys gays all different kinds of souls i would of touched and danced with. but i didnt know what i know now.

time has given me the learning ive neeeded and now i know alot.

as my nightmare continues its me and brian sitting on a 13 hour plane. i want to ask him how he is, and what hes doing. what other souls hes experienced and what life is like for him now. we would laugh and joke and unerstand that life goes on and although we are not lovers any longer we wouldnt be who we are without having known each other. on this plane its noone but us. reality doesnt hit because its just a distraction and we just want to catch up.

its like a clock is ticking and were anxious. as if he too knows this is a dream, a mear astroprojection into a memory. and noone talks. we both stay silent. its almost like i cant breathe.. its almost like im drowning.

i havent spoken to brian in atleast 10 years possibly. not a single word. across the universe is a soul i once loved wholefully and now were strangers. i think a piece of me hurts still today. like a lost limb. how can i go through life and succeed at only making connections that count when my first connection is fried and dead.

how do i begin to process the things i now understand when one small piece of me is gravitating through space.

i was told not to long ago that you are infact alive. simply living- trying to stay to urself.

as this new person i am. as i am learning and growing. you were a big part of who i was- i wish u could see who ive become. my soul acknowledges your absence and i am aware of it.

i hope love and light find you on ur dark days. and that you follow that light to become whoever you are meant to be.

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