#i got paid to kidnap those children bane says simply

[izzystizzys]

Fox tags along on a smuggling bust one (1) time and subsequently wishes he’d never been decanted.

Well, he’s arrested the perp a lot more than just one time, actually, but that very first tackle into a chokehold and electrocuffs more than sufficed to turn the fates against him - the fates, and Cody, the insufferable twat. They’re not actually even batchmates, the lot of them, and going by numbers Fox was decanted long before them (long as in seconds or minutes, no one actually knows), but Seventeen put them all in a training room together and then stupid kriffing Kote looked him up and down, nodded, and hasn’t stopped calling him vod’ika since.

“Why is one of the Republic’s most wanted criminals asking to speak to you, vod’ika?”, Cody asks, without any preamble, almost making Fox cut the holocall on principle. He would, if General Kenobi wasn’t right there next to the little shit. “And why do I not like his tone?”

Fox has to resist the urge to close his eyes and scream, making do with a deep sigh instead. Force curse the day Cody decided to adopt-nap him, and Wolffe following suit immediately. “Weequay, shifty eyes, stupid fucking pirate bandana?”

Cody’s eyes narrow suspiciously, and Kenobi’s eyebrows raise simultaneously. It’s more than a little creepy.

Fox rolls his eyes so hard he sees stars. “Tell him he can go space himself, unless he wants me to do it for him. And then tell him that if he sends me fuzzy fucking socks again I might just hunt him down and do it anyways.”

Past the slide of the door, Thorn’s unmistakable cackle reaches Fox. And Cody, going by the narrowing of his eyes. “Don’t tell him that, ori’vod, he’s probably into that”, Thorn calls out, gleefully, and Force Fox really should’ve kept this to himself in the first place.

He would’ve, actually, but the constant stream of strange presents into Guard headquarters is hard to miss. It was Alderaanian chocolates, last week, which Fox pawned off on the Shinies. A box from a store with a blacked out label before that, which he launched out the window with burning ears before Thire could get a closer look at it.

“Actually”, Thorn continues, happily, “I don’t think it matters much if you do tell him anything - it’s not like the Commander has been the most graceful courtée, and that hasn’t done anything to discourage our favorite smuggler.”

“Marshall Commander”, Fox hisses, because he’s a pissy bitch, and then, because all professionalism has gone out the window anyways, “This is why Stone is my favourite.”

Thorn’s wounded gasp is lost over Kenobi’s thoughtful hum, and Cody’s patented I’m-going-to-do-something-incredibly-stupid-and-you-can’t-stop-me glare. “That would explain why we have Hondo Ohnaka accosting our troopers about your flavour preferences concerning fruit candies. But the one asking to speak to you is Cad Bane, Marshall Commander.”

The string of curses Fox lets out at that is loud enough to have Mauler stick his head in the com room to ask if everything is alright, and Thorn roll on the floor with howling laughter.

Force curse the day he ever slapped electrocuffs on Hondo Ohnaka, and double-curse the one he threw Cad Bane to the floor with a scissor leg takedown.

[tessatechaitea]

Batman #18

This is more erotic than Batman's rooftop humpfest with Selina.

Looks like Bane's back on the dope! Plus we're finally getting a story about Mommy Issues! About fucking time, DC. I've had it up to my prostate with Daddy Issues.

King gives us a little back story on Bane and Bruce to set up the conflict. After they both lost their mothers tragically (which totally makes them the same person who experienced the same trauma and thus are the same except for the next difference that I'll be getting to outside of this parenthetical reference), Bruce was sent to live in a mansion with a butler where he could become a responsible, strong, obsessive man with a death wish while Bane was shoved in an oubliette that flooded daily where he could become a psychotic drug user with a Mexican wrestling fetish. See? They'd be samesies if it weren't for Bruce's privilege. I hope he acknowledges it in his encounter with Bane so everything will then be okay and they can become friends. Although I assume Bane will just say something like "So what? Now you deserve an ally cookie?!" or maybe just break Batman's face. Both young Bruce and Bane are really fucking into their mothers. It's creepy. Or is it normal? Is that how kids react when they lose their mother? I would have thought there would be more drinking and piñatas.

No, you're a drug addict in a luchador mask. Your past is no more compelling than any of the other people you're currently denigrating and writing off.

So Batman's entire plan to distract Bane for five days is to get his ass beaten by him? For five days straight? This is going to go well. You know what might have been a good idea? Instead of asking Superman to babysit the Robins while they're in cryogenic stasis, maybe get Superman to put Bane in stasis for five days. No? I suppose there's less chance of a lawsuit kidnapping and restraining your children than doing that to a convicted criminal threatening you with death. Bane says he's also not some rich boy playing dress-up. So I guess he does know Batman's secret identity and thus the location of the Bat-cave. I can't keep straight who knows and who doesn't know. Why should Batman even care at this point? Enough people know that the information is probably all over the Internet in hilarious meme form. Bane beats the shit out of Batman but Batman refuses to give Psycho Pirate back to Bane. So Bane tells Room Service to kill the hostages. Uh oh! Batman better have a back-up plan! Like how he could have had that Superman back-up plan I mentioned earlier. Oh come on! Who didn't think he had a back-up plan? Show of hands? See? No hands! I mean, I couldn't see them even if there were any but I'm certain their weren't any. Mostly because even if some of you thought he didn't have a back-up plan and this series was about to end, you'd probably be too embarrassed to admit it.

Get it?! Cats beat birds! Duh! It's evologic! That's a combination of evolution and logic, in case you're one of those dum-dums who occasionally and accidentally read one of my reviews.

Catwoman has strung up Room Service, Housekeeping, and Night Clerk back in Bane's safehouse and clawed "I am cat" into their chests. Then Batman heads into Arkham and Bane follows him. Good for Bane! He never even stops to say that stupid thing about it probably being a trap and then going in anyway. He just kicks the motherfucking door down and gets on with it. The Ranking! No change! I almost gave it a +1 because it ended so well with Catwoman's flexing line that I was all positive and upbeat about it. But then I remembered all the flashback sequences with Bruce and Bane saying, "Mommy this!" and "Mother that!" Fuck that shit. It was annoying. P.S. I just noticed I didn't complain about David Finch's inability to draw the mouth of a man this issue. So, um, good job, Dave? I guess?