#i got accepted into a masters program for clinical counseling and therapy

[psycholojosh]

Road to RPsy: A master's student's guide for Filipino psychology graduates in making a career headway in the Philippines - Part 1

Let's paint this picture for a moment...

You get into your psychology program (or any other program) in a Filipino college or university. You study hard. And then, you achieve your well-deserved bachelor's degree. While you shake hands and celebrate for about a month (just as you should), you sooner realize and ask, "Now what?" Then, you ponder on how to get your career in clinical psychology started. Possibly, you got anxious, confused, or maybe even determined.

If this is (or was) you, don't worry! You're perfectly okay. Trust me, I've been there before... and we shouldn't feel ashamed for this.

Which is why I'd like to take this time to write about my personal and professional experiences as a college graduate of psychology in the Philippines, and how I managed to craft my own headway into getting clinical training and graduate studies for clinical psychology. I sincerely hope that this little article would help a fellow psychology graduate craft their own headway into clinical psychology (or any other field of the sort). I'd also like to share some tips from my past and present mentors, colleagues, coworkers, and professors that I find useful to take note of.

I separated this into a series of articles to keep reading concise and organized. For this part, I start off with discussing...

What psychology careers in the Philippines looks like

How goals can be set in order to get an RPsy; and

Selecting the postgraduate school or program for you

Keep reading to find out more!

Key Points (TL;DR)

There are many myths and misconceptions that narrow one's view about psychology and its careers; but there are actually a lot of opportunities.

Keep yourself open to opportunities, be it for training or career, that will help propel you to snatching an RPsy license.

Clinical experience is key. But, do not discount non-clinical experiences as well.

Practice 'SMART' (specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and time-bound) goal setting for your career.

Choosing a school is dependent on your preferred training, scholastic interests, career goals, personal motivations, and (financial) resources.

Before I begin...

I'd like to first disclose what my biases and limits are, and what potentially could be a matter that you, dear reader, should consider before taking any advice from me. So, here's a little bit about myself...

Firstly, I am a young adult and pretty much novice to the field of psychology. I have gone through two years (and counting) of clinical experience as a licensed psychometrician. I do not declare myself an expert yet, nor do I pride myself as the most reliable person in the field of psychology. This article is written purely in my personal perspective and experiences. That said, I will do my best to offer you up-to-date information and objectivity that may support or criticize my views.

Secondly, I come from a very middle-class family. My parents made just about enough for us to pay the bills, to feed, clothe, and shelter us, and to give us a decent education. I firmly think this disclosure is very important since not everyone has the same privileges in terms of education, opportunity, and resources. There are some career decisions that I have made or experienced because I had the capacity to make them so despite certain critical tradeoffs (like, getting less pay). As of writing, I would say that our status is still the same, even if I make my own profit with my college degree. I will do my best to be considerate about the differing backgrounds among people, especially when it comes to privilege offered by social class.

Lastly, I'd like to emphasize that my word is not gospel and should not be taken easily by those who seek importance or utility to what I will share. The tone I will use will be very personal - as this is my personal blog. Plus, I will be largely biased towards clinical psychology, as it is the field I am in. You may find that some pieces of advice will resonate more with you than others. Conversely, you might find that some pieces of advice may be unhelpful for you. Hence, I welcome any criticism to my personal views and open myself to a healthy discussion. (Feel free to reach me through my Ask page here on my blog.) I highly encourage you, dear reader, to look for more opinions from more seasoned professionals in the field.

Now, on to the article...

The current scene of psychology careers in the Philippines

As I was graduating, it was important for me to look for information about careers in psychology in the country. After all, as you will see later, getting an idea of psychology's zeitgiest (a term used by historians to refer to the salient "mood" or "spirit" of ideas or beliefs of, say, an academic field) this country will inform you in your career goal setting and considering options that will lead you to where you want to be.

Psychology in the Philippines has a lot of stereotypes, myths, and misconceptions brought about by pop psychology spread across the masses. Here are some of the popular ones (and my personal favorites) which you may have already heard from people around you:

"Sa HR mapupunta ang isang Psych grad." ("Psych grads end up in HR [work].")

"Psych ka? Magme-med/Maglo-law ka ba?" ("You study Psych? Are you pursuing med/law?")

"Wala naman masyadong pera/future sa Psych." ("There's no money/future in Psych.")

"Psych? So yung mga baliw yung trabaho mo?" ("Psych? So you work on crazy people?")

And there's plenty more where that came from. Funnily enough, my college friends and I used to do a game where we take a shot of liquor for each myth said to us. (Drink responsibly, kids!) But, as psychology graduates, we know that these aren't completely true.

Now, let's take a look at how we can argue in psychology's defense and dignity and accept what the common person has gotten correctly.

Psychology practice in the Philippines

It's important to note that the term 'psychologist' or 'psychology practitioner' has different meanings in various contexts. Often, we think about psychologists as those who does therapy and plays around with psychological instruments. While this is somewhat true, a more academic language would refer to a 'psychologist' or 'practitioner' as someone who earned their degree in psychology - regardless of specialty - and has built their career in praxis of psychology. As I go along in this section, I'll refer to the 'psychologist' as the latter definition.

Clinical and counselling. In a 2004 article by Cristina Montiel and Lota Teh published in the International Handbook of Psychology, the authors enumerated on and expounded the most popular fields and specializations that psychology practitioners work in. Clinical or counselling practitioners lead in this list, often delving into psychotherapy, interventions, and assessment in various settings -- of which I have had experience on. I think this appears to be only partially true today, which I'll explain in a bit. You would find most practitioners doing their clinical practice in private clinics, hospitals, and schools. It's important to note, however, that most practitioners of this subfield have postgraduate degrees, and - since the year 2014, when Republic Act No. 10029 was enacted - a board license from Philippine Professional Regulation Commission (PRC). These licensed professionals have the names: 'RPsy' for psychologists.

However, bachelor's degree holders were also permitted to practice with their own little license: an 'RPm' or 'registered psychometrician' - which I have. These licensed professionals, get to practice assessment and several other supportive clinical functions - but not psychotherapy. The catch? You legally and ethically need to be supervised by a licensed psychologist. I'd like to get into the nitty-gritty differences and nuances of these two licenses, but I'll save that for another article. In the meantime, you must understand that these two have disparities in terms of their education attainment, clinical skills, and professional autonomy.

During my oath-taking ceremony as a psychometrician in 2018, Dr. Regina Hechanova-Alampay, a known Filipina in the fields of industrial-organizational and community psychology (and the mom of one of my dear friends), stated in her keynote address that the approximate ratio of each RPsy to each Filipino citizen is 1 to 100,000. A 2018 study has pointed this approximation to be accurate. Similarly, my former clinical supervisor approximated that the ratio of RPsy supervisors to RPm supervisees is 1 to 2,000. These numbers are quite a lot! Needless to say, there is a shortage of supply of clinical practitioners for the demand and a large influx of RPm's that have less clinical autonomy. And with an ever-growing relevance and awareness to the field of mental health in the country, these numbers are concerning. But -- hold on. If there are a lot of RPm's being produced yearly, where do they go?

Industrial-organizational and human resources. Montiel and Teh accounted that the second most abundant field in the country is in industrial-organizational (I/O) psychology or human resources (HR). This is where I think most psychology graduates usually end up in after college these days. Daresay, this is the fastest way to earn money as a fresh college graduate. But does that mean that the stereotype is necessarily true? It really depends on the way an employer values the employee and how much one is capable of doing a job. Sometimes, you get paid more, just right, or less.

I/O psychologists or HR practitioners often deal in corporate or organizational settings, often concerned with their person-related matters. They have skills like recruiting talent or labor, assessing worker needs, evaluating individual performances, or developing workers of a company - just to name a few. Do they need a license like an RPsy or RPm? Not necessarily.

You would often find job postings for HR positions that would often "prefer" a psychology graduate with a license, but sometimes "require" it. Therein lies some grey areas about how the professional licenses' stipulations are interpreted. But, let's not get into that just yet. But in my opinion, if people saw the utility of getting a license (which has its own financial costs of acquiring) as a way to improve compensation or marketability in the workforce, then they should get it.

Not all industrial-organizational psychologists, however, delve into the office hours and paper works. Some others go into research - particularly on topics like employee behaviors, group dynamics, and so on. It's important to think that these types of practitioners are just as versatile as other subfields in psychology.

Academia and other niches of psychology. As per Montiel and Teh, another large chunk of practitioners often end up in the academe. They become educators in various levels, researchers, or expert consultants depending on their interest, skill, and reputation. For example, developmental psychologists (or those who specialize in child psychology) get hired in preschools or alternative modes of learning. It was also mentioned briefly that social psychologists often find themselves in the social development sector, like the National Economic Development Agency (NEDA) or the Department for Social Welfare and Development (DSWD). Other common settings for psychology graduates to work in includes government facilities and the military, where their knowledge about human behavior are often found useful.

Research skills are also found useful in areas like market research and analytics. Because psychology graduates have knowledge about fundamentals of statistics and psychological measurement, a lot of these businesses employ their help in order to understand their target market's consumer behaviors and make informed decisions to increase profit. Other information about making a career in business can come be read in a lot of psychoeducational websites, like in Verywell Mind.

Overall, there is a plethora of careers a psychology graduate can delve into, especially for a fresh graduate like yourself. Over time, you would find that certain subfields would resonate more with you than others. You may often wonder which one - or a combination of more - would lead you to your career or personal ambitions. Now that you know how vast a career in psychology can be, it's a matter of choice and planning ahead, which leads me to the next section.

Goal-setting: Which road to take and what to expect

Eyeing the precious RPsy license won't be an easy task. Then again, would the hardships matter if it's worth it anyway? It's important for you, dear reader, to think about how you want to get to that goal.

Should one want to take a straightforward path, she or he would have taken their master's or doctorate studies in clinical or counselling psychology for the following three to five years (with coursework, practicum, and perhaps thesis or dissertation), then take the board exam from the PRC. I have a couple of friends who have done so, and it works for them.

However, for the likes of many of us - myself included - we may not have the same luxury of time or resources to afford us this direct route. Because of many personal needs (ahem-- financial), we may need to find a way to secure these as we go along our road to the RPsy. And how could I forget the costs of postgraduate studies alone? Which is why we'll need to earn or find income.

The best job or experience that can afford you a good head start in clinical psychology is the one closest to it. As my former supervisor, Paula, once said, "Clinical experience is key." For example, you can find psychometricians assisting with psychological assessments in various settings. Others delved into social or community work -- sometimes as a volunteer. The likelihood for one to get accepted in clinical or counselling training programs, like a postgraduate degree or certification training, is increased when one has had a hand on a similar line of work. But this is not to say that any other job is unimportant -- no. There's growing research on the various applications of mental health practice on non-clinical settings, like schools, offices, and even micro-communities. The possibilities are actually numerous. That said, I cannot guarantee how abundant these opportunities are.

There are a few things to consider when looking for a job or a source of income:

In terms of career, what are your yes's, maybe's, and no's? Make individual lists of the occupations you can say these three answers to.

How soon are you planning to achieve an RPsy license? As soon as the next four years? Or, maybe you want to take it slow and say ten?

What job and/or study opportunities are available to you at the moment? How comfortable will the setup be for you?

How much resources and time are available to you for work, study, and personal matters? Which of these do you prioritize more?

How much are you willing or do you need to be compensated to afford such a lifestyle?

As you formulate answers to these questions (especially, the last two), keep in mind that a more effective goal setting follows a 'SMART' process. That is: it is specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and time-bound. (More info about this process right here.) Patterning our goals to these dimensions helps us look at ourselves objectively and find an integrated way to live our lives productively.

In my personal experience, after graduating college, I took a two month break to enjoy the fruits of my hard-earned college degree with a "vacation" (which mostly staying home, if I'm being honest). In my mind, I knew that getting a master's degree is a must for me; a ladderized doctorate program was also amenable but I wanted to get that training abroad. But, I wanted to make myself more immersed in the field before I can enter a graduate program. I applied to different jobs - a psychological services consultant (which I primarily wanted), a personal development teacher in senior high, and a research analyst. Luckily, I got the job that I wanted and reaped clinical experience. (I'll write more about my first experiences in the clinic in another post.) A year later, I applied and got into the clinical program of the University of the Philippines. And now, I've been taking coursework on clinical psychology while working as a research associate of a particular office in the same university.

I understand, however, that not everybody could find the "perfect" balance or ideal solution to all of these concerns. In fact, I don't think anyone can -- unless you were blessed with such a life. Why? This is where I reflectively talk about my privilege (as I did at the beginning). Awareness of your own opportunities makes us think fully or subconsciously about our own status in the social system. Whether we like it or not, it affects many of the career - and more broadly, life - decisions depending on where we stand in our lives. Which is why I advocate for practicality. We may not always select the ideal -- but the principle of survival is important, especially in an underdeveloped country like the Philippines. As Montiel and Teh pointed out, poverty and economics have affected psychology practice and it opportunities in the country.

Can goals or plans change? Short answer is 'yes'. There are many reasons why our plans change. It may be because we find ourselves being presented by new or better opportunities. Or perhaps, we discover more personal insights and realizations about the career we want and how to get it. Life can be complex to influence our decisions within or without our control. Whatever the reason is, it is important for one to be able to evaluate one's strengths and weaknesses, limits and boundaries, and our emotions and motivation to keep us going.

Choosing your school: Which one should I go to?

It's very common for a psychology graduate to ask: Where should I get my clinical training? Again, this is dependent on your resources, time, and preferences. Coupled with these is the opportunities (or as Bandura would put it - chance encounters and fortuitous events).

Locally, there are about 60% of schools that offer master's degrees in clinical or counselling psychology as per Commission of Higher Education (CHED). A fewer percentage offers Ph.D. or doctorate equivalent degrees in clinical or counselling psychology, the three most famous being (as per Montiel and Teh): the Ateneo de Manila University, the University of the Philippines, and University of Santo Tomas. However, there is a growing number of urban and rural schools that offer postgraduate studies and attract local aspirants to enroll in their programs. At the top of my mind, St. Louis' University in Baguio City has been regarded as one of the best in developmental psychology (currently considered as a viable alternative to clinical psychology). Likewise, the De La Salle University in Manila, a member of the colloquially regarded "Big Four Universities," is gaining traction for their clinical program very recently.

Focusing on a school's reputation is not enough, however. What, us, clinical psychology hopefuls often look over is the training itself. Circling back to my guide questions on goal setting, preferences often come into play when deciding your training. For most, who prefer a general track in clinical psychology, many schools offer a flexible education to ensure you get the wide knowledge of the field, without undermining the core or essentials. Others may teach clinical psychology in a more specific way, favoring practical experiences like internships over theorizing in the classroom. Factors like faculty composition and expertise, paradigm, and school culture often influence how these training programs are developed. What I find helpful to attain this information is to ask these departments and institutions directly. Another approach is asking a friend taking up a program in that school. No harm in inquiry! Ask away.

Of course, like what I have also emphasized in this article, is the sensitive yet important issue of money. To be specific, your tuition. Clinical training in the Philippines ranges from ₱10,000 to ₱50,000.00 a year. The trend (as I've observed from applying in different schools) is that the more privatized and more "complex" the education, the higher the cost. Public schools often come cheaper than private schools. Consider your capacities for funding your education (including where it comes from) and weigh it with your preferences to make an optimal choice of school or program.

A popular notion among graduate students, or those heading into graduate school, is that public schools, like where I study, often take longer to finish a master's degree than others. Well, there are many factors to this. One is faculty size, for example. How many qualified teachers does the school have that supplies a smooth progression for a graduate student to complete their degrees? Another factor - which many often forget to attribute as well - is the student's motivation. It is not uncommon for a graduate student to fluctuate in wanting to accomplish their degrees. It really depends on how determined one is to see things through (which takes a lot of doing, if I do say so myself).

Overall, choosing a school is much less of an issue when it comes to time, but more so when it comes to practicality. In my opinion, any school that gives you basic competencies, regardless of reputation, is enough. In fact, most of my supervisors did not even settle for their graduate training alone. The field of clinical psychology (much like the other fields) is ever changing and adapting to the times. You often find a lot of trainings, seminars, and specialization programs that practitioners study or enroll in order to keep their practice up to date and ethical. Learning and personal growth, especially as clinicians, should not stop after we receive our degrees and licenses. Again, this calls back to the point of keeping an open eye and open mind on the opportunities that come our way.

--

Now that we discussed the first three tips, I plan to take a break here and let you, dear reader, reflect on things that will help you make your headway to that RPsy license. Do more reading. Ask questions. Seek answers. And explore yourself and the world to get a better sense of the pathway ahead.

I do hope that this discussion helps! See you on the next one.

[everly-dance-therapist]

My Education Path

So I decided I wanted to become a dance therapist after I found out that was even a thing! I have been a dancer my whole life, it was my first love. So once I realized that was a career I could have I applied to a few colleges looking to get into their Psychology program. I was accepted to Georgia State University in Atlanta and I started my undergraduate degree! Once I graduated with my bachelors in psychology I applied to Lesley University in Cambridge Mass for their M.A. In Clinical Mental Health Counseling: Specialization Dance/Movement Therapy. I graduated with my masters 2 years ago! I shadowed a fellow dance therapist for a year and then I got my license to practice! Now here we are!

[couplesinstitutecounseling]

The goal of this article is to help you find the couples therapist that’s right for you. Helping couples is something I am extremely passionate about for both professional and personal reasons. Because of that I wanted to get this information out on a couple of different platforms, so you can read the article or listen to it online.

Let me start by introducing myself, my name is Stacy Lee and I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I am also the Clinical Director of The Couples Institute Counseling Services. The other thing I would like for you to know about me is that I am been where many of you are. I have felt the pain of helplessly watching my relationship fall apart.

Feeling like enemies with the person I was meant to feel safe and connected to.

Feeling lost about how to make it better. Desperate. Hopeless.

Here is a little of my story…

My husband and I have been married for 15 years and we have 2 amazing kids. Yet 10 years ago if you would have asked me if we would make it to our 15th wedding anniversary, I would have shook my head with tears or anger.

Two years into our marriage, we got stuck in a number of negative and extremely painful patterns. I wasn’t yet a therapist, but I was in my Masters program and felt very ashamed that I was having issues in my relationship!

I was learning all about how to help others so shouldn’t I have all the answers?

I felt embarrassed admitting the struggles we were having. It was hard for me to open up. When I did, my well-intentioned audience had my back… but this meant pointing out why my husband was to blame. Their “support” only created more landmines on the path to reconciliation.

But I was willing to fight to save our marriage. Over the next few years we tried many different therapists. Even though some progress would happen, unfortunately nothing really changed.

After our son was born, we hit a wall and separated. We had fought for so long and nothing was working. We had seen many different well-meaning therapists, but there was still so much pain.

It stood to reason that we were just broken or not a good fit to be together.

At this time, I had started working at The Couples Institute and interning under Dr. Ellyn Bader. As embarrassed as I was to be a couples therapist failing in my own marriage, I shared with her what was going on.

She connected us to a therapist who truly specialized in couples.

Honestly, at this point, I wasn’t sure we could come back from the abyss we had created. But I knew I didn’t want to let go until we had tried everything. This felt like our last shot.

That’s when something amazing happened.

My husband and I started going to therapy sessions again, and right from the beginning there was a huge difference. Our therapist was empathetic and strong, letting us share our story but also confidently directing the session.

She helped us get a real look at our own contribution to the problem, and the patterns we had that kept us stuck. Our therapist helped us stop pointing fingers and take responsibility for ourselves. With amazing help and a lot of work we DID NOT SAVE OUR MARRIAGE… what we created was SO much better than just a salvaged relationship. We created something fresh, healthy, and more loving than I ever thought possible.

After this turning point, we thrived even during really difficult times…pregnancy loss, fertility treatments, career changes, health scares, and the loss of family members. We weathered these things together…imperfectly, but together. This was huge for us.

We went on to have a beautiful daughter. Every time I look at her, I can’t help but think that she wouldn’t be here, my son wouldn’t have the joy of a sibling, and I wouldn’t be the person I am if we hadn’t worked with a truly skilled couples therapist.

Now I’m not saying my husband and I don’t annoy each other, fight, or make mistakes. What I am saying is through getting specialized couples therapy, we learned how to stop the painful patterns that were tearing us apart, accept and value our differences, and repair things quickly when we inevitably mess up.

I learned not only how to be a better partner, but a better therapist. It also stoked my passion for helping other couples find the same quality of care we found. I want to keep you from wasting years and dollars on therapists with good intentions but who don’t really know how to work with couples.

I want every couple to have the best tools to fight for their relationship and make a clear decision, not a reactive one.

Now that I have shared a small bit of my journey with you, let me tell you about 4 common places people get stuck when choosing a couples therapist.

1. What style or approach is right for us?

There are many different therapy approaches out there. What you want is a dynamic therapist who isn’t trying to fit your unique situation into one static approach. The theories and approaches we study as therapists should be the foundation, but a skilled therapist will be able to pull from a wide variety.

Although therapists at The Couples Institute Counseling Services have the Developmental Model as the foundation, they pull from a number of different approaches. We don’t believe that there is a one-style-fits-all, so our therapists tailor their sessions to what their clients’ needs are, as well as bringing in their specialized skills.

2. How much should I spend?

Most people want to save money and feel like we are getting a good deal. But the old adage “you get what you pay for” applies here. Think of your relationship as an investment. If you put your money into the right investment it will yield a greater return.

Therapy is the same way; you invest your money into a highly skilled therapist, the hourly rate may be more, but so is the return on your investment. Just like any specialist, true couples therapy specialists will be more expensive. The balance is weighing cost with expertise. If you find a skilled couples therapist ask yourself “are they reassuringly expensive?” This means do they have the education, training and skills to back up their fee. If so, it’s likely because they’re the best at what they do. And you may even save money in the long run, because working with someone skilled can often means fewer sessions.

3. Where will I find the time?

Life is busy…work, commuting, kids, school, family obligations, the list goes on and on…there is never a good time to be in relationship distress. But equally true is the longer you let the problem go on, the longer it will take to repair it. What may take a few months now may take a few years later. Think of it like taking care of a car…if you don’t do the routine maintenance then it creates bigger, more expensive problem…but if you ignore those engine lights signal issues then sometimes, the damage becomes unfixable. It is important to ask yourself if you can afford NOT to spend time getting help? If you stay on the same path what will the damage to the relationship look like in 3, 6, 9 months from now? Therapy is a time commitment but it is worth it with a skilled therapist.

4. How will I open up to a stranger?

Opening up and sharing your inner most thoughts and feelings can be very hard…there are concerns of being judged, blamed or attacked. Although part of therapy and all growth is that you will have to deal with some difficult issues, one thing you want to look for is a therapist you feel safe and comfortable around. This doesn’t mean a skilled couples therapist won’t call out problematic behavior but they do it to move you out of painful, ineffective patterns with care and compassion.

Expert couples therapists create a safe environment to share while calling out what they see. When you find this type of therapist, you will feel their experience, education and training in the skillful way they navigate the sessions. Those therapists continue to train in the field they love and you reap the benefits. This commitment to their own professional and personal growth often helps clients feel safer exploring even the most vulnerable of issues.

Here is the bottom line: Get the right help…before the damage is unfixable. Find the right help that fits for you, make the right investment to get the best return.

At the Couples Institute Counseling Services, we are passionate about addressing challenges with our clients and continuously growing our skills. We deeply care about the services we offer because, like me, all of the therapists here strive to practice what we teach and uphold a commitment to professional excellence. We use the power of healing from our own painful experiences in the skills we teach our clients.

If you are interested in learning more about the services we offer, or want a free 20-minute consultation, please fill out a request form.

My marriage is proof that with the right help and effort, amazing things can happen.

So reach out to us now…we can help.

We look forward to hearing from you! Please fill out this form and we will get in touch with you shortly.

[ontheedgeofrecovery]

My personal statement

I have been really nervous to write this essay. I happen to be a very nervous person and I become especially anxious when I am going after something that a) matters to me a great deal and b) comes with a chance of rejection. Applying to come to study at Antioch hits both of those categories for me and since I made the decision to apply my stomach has been in a knot. I have easily spent a full work's week of hours thinking about what to say and how to phrase it. I also have to give props to whoever devised the question about learning experiences, because that is a soul-searching question and it gave me much to think about! It has been a long and winding path to deciding to go after a clinical degree with Antioch. It has been fraught with detours and sidesteps along the way. I am 34 and I am only now really figuring out what my dream is and beginning to assert myself enough to chase after it. 

After much thought to the prompt about my most significant learning experience, I believe I can address this prompt in such a way that it encompasses the remaining prompts. The last three years have been quite a learning curve for me. In the summer of 2014 I was recommended for hospice care for severe and enduring anorexia nervosa. I was living in Chicago with my now ex-husband, miserable and going in and out of hospitals on feeding tubes. My treatment team really did not know what else to do with me and my therapist suggested we enter a stage of palliative care and let nature take its course. In August of 2014 I did a yoga intensive through an organizational called Eat, Breathe, Thrive. It focused on eating disorder treatment through the use of yoga, community, body acceptance, and mindfulness. It gave me hope and I entered myself into one last-ditch attempt at treatment. 

Almost a full year later I was discharged, getting a divorce, moving back to New Hampshire, and starting over from scratch in a much healthier place. I was not 100% healthy in body and still very much struggling with my purpose in life and being newly divorced. I was living with my mother at 32 years old, in $40,000 worth of student loan debt, and working at Whole Foods for $11.00. It was not what I pictured when I clawed my way through my undergraduate degree. My parents could not help me with college, so I chipped away at my degree while working 40 to 60 hours a week at odd jobs to help my family out and earn a living. I felt disillusioned that I did all that work to end up working in a grocery store and not really helping people, which, ultimately, is where my passion lies. Things started looking up when I got hired as an academic advisor at Southern New Hampshire University (SNHU). It afforded me the luxury to move into my own apartment and work on my master's degree. It gave me health insurance and a comfortable wage. But most importantly, it gave me my most significant learning experience in the past three years. 

There have been a lot of learning experiences for me in the process of going from my literal deathbed to healthy, from married to divorced, and from first family member to go to college to academic advisor. There has been a lot of growth and change. But I would say the most pivotal moment I can identify is learning my personality type. SNHU leadership is very into understanding, appreciating, and accommodating differing communication style for a more harmonious work environment. As a result of this, many teams personality type themselves. My team did not, but I took it upon myself to use my professional development funds to attend a Myers-Briggs Type Indicator leadership course. I found out my personality type is an ENFJ and as I learned about this type, so much fell into place. I began to understand my motives, goals, strengths, and weaknesses. I have been able to use this knowledge to strengthen my recovery and hone in on my goals, both professional and personal. It gave me a compass and a map in a life that I felt unsure about.

The first thing I learned from discovering my personality type is that I am an extrovert. I always knew this in a passing way. I am very social and talkative and I love to be around people. However, with a deeper understanding of MBTI I was able to see that I really thrive when I am able to process things out loud. I am working on my Master's of Public Health degree online through SNHU. While I am getting great grades, I just do not find it as enjoyable as in being in the classroom. Additionally, a sense of community really strengthens my learning abilities and overall happiness. This is one of the things that attracted me to Antioch's ABA degree. I have seen many other ABA master’s degrees that are offered online. In fact, I can do my Master's in Counseling through SNHU for free - and I did consider this long and hard. However, I really do believe that I will be a happier person doing my degree in person, in the classroom, and with a community of like-minded people. I am passionate about education, community, and the environment and I know I have a lot of energy to bring to Antioch's student body. 

The second thing I learned about ENFJs is we are highly altruistic and somewhat overly idealistic people. This is what leads me to wanting to obtain my degree in Applied Behavioral Analysis. While I am very idealist and optimistic, when it comes to the treatment of severe and enduring eating disorders I believe the eating disorder field is desperately lacking effective treatment mechanisms. I went through more than 35 hospitalizations and while some treatment facilities had more to offer than others, mostly is was talk therapy with some CBT and DBT thrown in. The bottom line is it did not lead me to make measurable changes in my behaviors around food. I still have many friends I met through treatment who continue to cycle in and out of the hospital. The idealist in me knows there is a better way to treat those with treatment resistant long term eating disorders. I also believe we have an opportunity to help very young children who are beginning to struggle before it becomes a long term illness. From all the research I have done and my own personal experience, I see a large degree of similarity in the rigid thought processes between anorexia and autism. The more I have looked into ABA, the more I believe this is an underutilized modality in the field of eating disorder treatment. I desperately want to help others out of the quagmire that is an eating disorder. I want to help other people through what I have been through. I want to influence the way eating disorders are being treated.

I will wrap this up, because the prompt said two to three pages and I could easily go on and on here. The bottom line is I very much desire to be a positive influencing factor in the field of eating disorder treatment. I see merit and hope with applied behavioral analysis for those with severe and enduring eating disorders. I want to go on and obtain my PhD in clinical psychology. I would love to direct an eating disorder program and teach students in clinical programs to better serve and treat those with eating disorders. I see a degree from Antioch as a valuable stepping stone in that goal. I would appreciate the opportunity to be a student in your program. After making a few visits to Antioch I know it is an excellent fit for me and I know I have a lot to contribute to the student body. Thank you for your time and your consideration.

�

[dcnativegal]

Psychotherapy

We’re all familiar with the serenity prayer. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.”  The wisdom necessary is hard to come by, and the courage required is HUGE.  Somedays, when I have the gumption, I rather prefer Angela Davis’ quip: “I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I am changing the things I cannot accept.” She sounds so energetic.

Change on an individual level is really quite hard to pull off.  Right?  It is for me. There are things that are easy for me that would be impossible for others, and easy for a friend and ridiculous to contemplate me even attempting. From this awareness, should come compassion. If someone says, oh but that’s so easy, I say, easy for you. What is hard for you? Doing your taxes? Calling your mother? I’m glad jogging and getting to the gym is easy for you. Now call your mother.

Not so easy.

A therapist can be a companion for a person trying to change. Perhaps the therapist’s task is to follow Goethe: “Treat people as if they were what they ought to be, and you help them to become what they are capable of being.”

I did not expect to come to Oregon and work as a psychotherapist, or as my job description calls it, a “Behavioral Therapist III.”   I figured I’d either do hospice social work, or find a gig at the senior center. I applied for a couple of cancer related jobs, too, before we decided to stay put in Paisley. I was an oncology social worker for almost 20 years. I know that disease cold. Mostly I know what it does to human beings, whether it kills you or not.

But I got here to the high desert, and the only game in the county for a licensed social worker was at Lake District Hospital. There were two jobs that I applied to. One was as a sort of liaison for various preventative health programs in the county. Having been a health educator for a while, I figured I could do that. Drive around Lake County, see who’s doing what, support them however I could, given the resources. The other was a mental health clinic job in Lakeview. I applied to both with cover letters that explained I only wanted to work part time: 30 hours a week at the most, preferably 24.

I got a call back within a day or two. Interviewed a couple of times with different folks. Made them laugh. Was hired quickly. And the HR person, an impressive lady, told me, we’re putting you in mental health. There is a desperate need, part time is fine, and the pay is much better than the prevention job. Awesome! Never mind that it had been years since I saw people as clients in a mental health situation. I had the right level of licensure, in fact a higher level than even my new clinical supervisor, and I started in mid-October, 3 days a week.

Within 3 weeks of my start, the only other LCSW in the shop was gone. She’d been planning to move back to Eugene for some time, and my entrance gave her permission to resign. Dammit. She was really nice, taught me about the quirky electronic record system (they are ALL quirky), went to dinner with me, and then moved the frick out of town. As far as I can figure out, there is only one other master’s level independent clinical social worker in the entire county.

My colleagues at the Lake District Wellness Center (Lord save us from euphemisms) have various degrees, some from online universities, and from what I’ve seen and heard, are deeply committed and talented clinicians. I’ve been blown away by what I’ve witnessed when I’ve sat in on sessions. I’ve also collaborated with other therapists who are seeing another member of the same family I’m counseling. There’s a lot of that. The kids are seeing one gal, the husband another, and me the wife. Or the ex wife. Or whomever. Feels a little bit like we’re each blind and feeling around the elephant: I’ve got the right leg and it feels pretty sturdy, but the rear end is stinky and occasionally blasts out a disgusting mess. Best to wear a hat and raincoat with galoshes. What I love the most is couples therapy. Get people in the same room and the stories and distortions get corrected. Like magic.

We are all women of a certain age, including the unflappable front office staff, except for one therapist who is younger than 30.  Almost all are grandmothers.

I’m in the trenches of community mental health, doing therapy alongside some very tough cookies, and most of the time it is awesome work. I especially enjoy hearing that seeing me is really helping. I can live on that one comment for weeks.

The lows have to do with the trauma stories that emerge in my “assessment” as I sit there stunned. The online form asks about it right up front, in categories: Physical, Emotional, Sexual. Many of these people lived through some serious horror. And I am just hearing about it. How much harder to have lived through it.

The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places, declared Ernest Hemingway.

****

I finished a book recently about alcoholic families, and learned about roles. The drunk. The martyred codependent. I was familiar with those two. But then I read about the kids: the hero, the scapegoat, the mascot, and the lost child. Immediately I realized that I have two lost children, one hero and one scapegoat on my caseload.

Doing therapy has brought me back to ruminating about one of my favorite existential puzzles. The puzzle of free will. How do we CHOOSE of our own free will to change.  If we humans just used our willpower…. He’d get sober; she’d lose weight; he’d stand up to the bully; she’d get a grip on her spending. And if it was that easy, we’d all flip the switch and do that willful self-discipline thing and all would be well.

If only we could simply:  Move toward your wildest dream, take the labels off your mind and step boldly into your greatness.                    (Iyanla Vanzant)

I know for a fact that my own issues are not going away. I have been searching for the switch to flip my entire life. Sometimes I find something that feels like the switch, I switch it on, and I’m ‘good’ …. For about a week.  I have insight, I know the back story, I have tried many approaches and strategies. Willpower only goes so far. I am humbled by the gravitational pull of inertia. Or homeostasis.

How do I help other people get unstuck if I’m stuck, too?  I’ve got unstuck about SOME issues. In fact I feel like I’m down to only two big juicy neurotic issues. One of which might kill me before I get it figured out. (That would be the healthy eating/ fat/ diabetes /exercise thing.)

Enough about me. Let’s talk about honesty.

“Rarely we have seen a person fail if they have the capacity to be honest.” That’s from the Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous, quoted chapter and verse by stalwart people in recovery, like my sweetie, who was married to not one, but two alcoholics, (one at a time!). They are sober now. She has a black belt in Alanon (which why she is an excellent partner for me. My issues are all mine.)  

So what gives a person the capacity to be honest?  Awareness that they’ve screwed up, would be a start. But there are so many people who do not see, do not comprehend, do not recognize that they’ve screwed up.  There are the character-disordered folks who have an automatic knee-jerk tendency to blame others for everything. There are the neurotics who blame themselves for everything. But even the neurotics cannot see how they perpetuate behaviors, based on a very old script that they developed as a way of surviving being a child, a script that has lost its usefulness and is still being applied willy nilly to situations that call for being, ahem, a GROWN UP, not the hero or the mascot or the lost child.

I have a client I see. I keep asking this person, which one is the grown up? The answer is always, I am. In a meek voice. Versus the traumatized foster kid who this person is trying to parent. Parenting-by-rigidity with a bucketful of sarcasm. The client wonders why it’s a constant fight. I see it. Why can’t the client?

Here is a great description of the dawning of awareness:

 I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in. I am lost… I am helpless.

It isn’t my fault.

It takes me forever to find a way out.

 I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don’t see it.  I fall in again.

I can’t believe I am in the same place.

But it isn’t my fault.

It still takes me a long time to get out.

 I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.  I still fall in. it’s a habit.

My eyes are open.  I know where I am.

It is my fault. I get out immediately.

 I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

 I walk down another street.

(Portia Nelson)

 It is psychotherapy with not one but two amazing women that helped me see the patterns I repeat for what they were and are: habits that can be acknowledged and then unlearned. Some habits are ancient: I just automatically assume that I’m an idiot; selfish, not very bright, and screwing something up. It’s my default position. And it’s a lie. A very persistent lie.

Here’s a metaphor. It’s like I was born with one leg ever so slightly shorter than the other (a biological vulnerability of little consequence.)  In the course of my childhood, I got hit in that leg and it was broken a few times. And I developed a limp. I favored that leg, and it grew weaker. When I was 16, someone noticed that I had a pronounced limp and suggested I try physical therapy. And so I did. The leg got much stronger. The limp almost disappeared. I could run and dance. But… under stress… when I haven’t been in therapy for a while…. When I’m really low and other hard things are happening… the limp comes back. It never completely goes away. I will always have it. I will always need to do my exercises. I’m truly an okay person despite the slight and sometimes more pronounced limp. And that’s part of who I am.

Does that make sense? Nature and nurture. Eternal vigilance. A slight disability that can lead me to be compassionate for everyone else, because we all have them.

*****

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.                                    Anais Nin

*****

Behavior change is super de duper hard work. We all know this. And therapy is not the only thing that helps. Sometimes we can be loved out of a pattern.  I hated and feared big holidays into my twenties because of the emotional pain I associated with them. I dreaded them. I started dating the tall Californian and he transformed Christmas for me. Not only did he enjoy Christmas. He dolled it up with tiny railroads around the tree, with creative pranks the kids loved, handed down from his dad. He healed Christmas for me. Thank you.

My sister and I pledged to transform Thanksgiving, and did. She does most of the work. Because, cooking. I am an ace dishwasher.

Sometimes a therapist is a mirror.  Lou Reed’s early band, The Velvet Underground has an awesome song:

I’ll be your mirror

Reflect what you are, in case you don’t know

I’ll be the wind, the rain and the sunset

The light on your door to show that your home

When you think the night has seen your mind

That inside your twisted and unkind

Let me stand to show that you are blind

Please put down your hands

‘Cause I see you

 I find it hard to believe you don’t know

The beauty that you are

But if you don’t let me be your eyes

A hand in your darkness, so you won’t be afraid

 I’ll be your mirror.

 Isn’t that lovely?

Good solid friends can call you on your bullshit, which hurts, but heck, wouldn’t you rather have a friend or member of your family say, dude, you have an enormous wad of spinach in your teeth? Your fly is down? You really need to dye your hair again because the skunk look only works at Halloween.

Of course, telling someone you care about their behavioral bullshit (or here in ranch country, cowpie) is a hugely loving act.  As in saying, have you noticed that every man you date is an asshole? That no matter who your partner is, you still can’t balance a check book or stick to a budget. So you bring that same fight about money with you to EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP???

Ever notice that?   Hm?

The RECIPIENT of this truth-telling will probably feel like throwing a tantrum, or kicking the truth teller in the shins, but not really do it. Friendships have ended over honesty. The tone, the WAY truth is delivered, is important, but sometimes the truth is so painful or embarrassing or horrible that all there is is pain and then THE DEFENSES GO UP.

Tell the truth but tell it slant… the truth must dazzle gradually.  Emily Dickinson was so right.

I’ve noticed that some tendencies are really pretty minor in the early days of adulthood, and then those tendencies, unchecked, become real issues. Like, say, hoarding. I hoard yarn. Ask anyone who’s been in whatever home I live in. Except the marital home, which I moved out of in 2006. The husband did not permit clutter. Minus the husband, guess what. Clutter clings to me like a moth to flame. Like cat hair to…everything. And the yarn? I could open a store. Tomorrow. I’d have plenty of inventory. I exaggerate not.

Being a therapist means trying to reflect back to a client a pattern that I see but he doesn’t. Trying to give them an affirmation of their goodness while helping them wake up to their bullshit. For many clients, the bullshitter is another member of the family, so the task becomes, how to be in relationship with the bullshitter without losing integrity, or rescuing, or overfunctioning. Now that’s a trick.

Another trick to changing and healing and stretching new muscles: forgiving oneself. Go Ralph Waldo:

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can.  Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense.                    

Oh, but my old nonsense is so cozy and familiar….

I’d rather just sit here and contemplate how unfair life is.  

Rabbi Kushner in his classic, Why Bad Things Happen to Good People, wrote: In the final analysis, the question of why bad things happen to good people translates itself into some very different questions, no longer asking why something happened, but asking how we will respond, what we intend to do now that it has happened.  

Yes. Personally, I do not believe that “everything happens for a reason.” What I do think is that we have responsibility to stop whining, to help others, and to eventually, though the pathway has to go through the valley of the shadow of death, get to gratitude.

Anne Lamott gives me hope. And then all I can do is pray for guidance so that I do good work in my job, hoping to promote healing and yes, maybe, wellness:

Unfortunately, change is not my strong suit. Neither is forgiveness, or letting go. Everything I've ever let go of has claw marks on it. But the willingness to let go comes from the pain: and pain makes us willing to change, and effort to change changes you, and jiggles the spirit, gets to it somehow, to our deepest, hardest, most beautiful, ruined parts. And then Spirit expands, because that is its nature, and it drags along the body, and finally, the mind.

[couplesinstitutecounseling]

The goal of this article is to help you find the couples therapist that’s right for you. Helping couples is something I am extremely passionate about for both professional and personal reasons.  Because of that I wanted to get this information out on a couple of different platforms, so you can read the article or listen to it online.

Let me start by introducing myself, my name is Stacy Lee and I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.  I am also the Clinical Director of The Couples Institute Counseling Services.  The other thing I would like for you to know about me is that I am been where many of you are. I have felt the pain of helplessly watching my relationship fall apart.

Feeling like enemies with the person I was meant to feel safe and connected to.

Feeling lost about how to make it better. Desperate. Hopeless.

Here is a little of my story…

My husband and I have been married for 15 years and we have 2 amazing kids.  Yet 10 years ago if you would have asked me if we would make it to our 15th wedding anniversary, I would have shook my head with tears or anger.

Two years into our marriage, we got stuck in a number of negative and extremely painful patterns.  I wasn’t yet a therapist, but I was in my Masters program and felt very ashamed that I was having issues in my relationship!

I was learning all about how to help others so shouldn’t I have all the answers?

I felt embarrassed admitting the struggles we were having.  It was hard for me to open up.  When I did, my well-intentioned audience had my back… but this meant pointing out why my husband was to blame.  Their “support” only created more landmines on the path to reconciliation.

But I was willing to fight to save our marriage. Over the next few years we tried many different therapists.  Even though some progress would happen, unfortunately nothing really changed.

After our son was born, we hit a wall and separated.  We had fought for so long and nothing was working. We had seen many different well-meaning therapists, but there was still so much pain.

It stood to reason that we were just broken or not a good fit to be together.

At this time, I had started working at The Couples Institute and interning under Dr. Ellyn Bader.  As embarrassed as I was to be a couples therapist failing in my own marriage, I shared with her what was going on.

She connected us to a therapist who truly specialized in couples.

Honestly, at this point, I wasn’t sure we could come back from the abyss we had created. But I knew I didn’t want to let go until we had tried everything. This felt like our last shot.

That’s when something amazing happened.

My husband and I started going to therapy sessions again, and right from the beginning there was a huge difference.  Our therapist was empathetic and strong, letting us share our story but also confidently directing the session.

She helped us get a real look at our own contribution to the problem, and the patterns we had that kept us stuck. Our therapist helped us stop pointing fingers and take responsibility for ourselves.  With amazing help and a lot of work we DID NOT SAVE OUR MARRIAGE… what we created was SO much better than just a salvaged relationship. We created something fresh, healthy, and more loving than I ever thought possible.

After this turning point, we thrived even during really difficult times…pregnancy loss, fertility treatments, career changes, health scares, and the loss of family members.  We weathered these things together…imperfectly, but together.  This was huge for us.

We went on to have a beautiful daughter. Every time I look at her, I can’t help but think that she wouldn’t be here, my son wouldn’t have the joy of a sibling, and I wouldn’t be the person I am if we hadn’t worked with a truly skilled couples therapist.

Now I’m not saying my husband and I don’t annoy each other, fight, or make mistakes. What I am saying is through getting specialized couples therapy, we learned how to stop the painful patterns that were tearing us apart, accept and value our differences, and repair things quickly when we inevitably mess up.

I learned not only how to be a better partner, but a better therapist.  It also stoked my passion for helping other couples find the same quality of care we found. I want to keep you from wasting years and dollars on therapists with good intentions but who don’t really know how to work with couples.

I want every couple to have the best tools to fight for their relationship and make a clear decision, not a reactive one.

Now that I have shared a small bit of my journey with you, let me tell you about 4 common places people get stuck when choosing a couples therapist.

1. What style or approach is right for us?

There are many different therapy approaches out there. What you want is a dynamic therapist who isn’t trying to fit your unique situation into one static approach. The theories and approaches we study as therapists should be the foundation, but a skilled therapist will be able to pull from a wide variety.

Although therapists at The Couples Institute Counseling Services have the Developmental Model as the foundation, they pull from a number of different approaches. We don’t believe that there is a one-style-fits-all, so our therapists tailor their sessions to what their clients’ needs are, as well as bringing in their specialized skills.

2. How much should I spend?

Most people want to save money and feel like we are getting a good deal.  But the old adage “you get what you pay for” applies here.  Think of your relationship as an investment. If you put your money into the right investment it will yield a greater return.

Therapy is the same way; you invest your money into a highly skilled therapist, the hourly rate may be more, but so is the return on your investment.  Just like any specialist, true couples therapy specialists will be more expensive. The balance is weighing cost with expertise.  If you find a skilled couples therapist ask yourself “are they reassuringly expensive?”  This means do they have the education, training and skills to back up their fee. If so, it’s likely because they’re the best at what they do. And you may even save money in the long run, because working with someone skilled can often means fewer sessions.

3. Where will I find the time?

Life is busy…work, commuting, kids, school, family obligations, the list goes on and on…there is never a good time to be in relationship distress. But equally true is the longer you let the problem go on, the longer it will take to repair it.  What may take a few months now may take a few years later.  Think of it like taking care of a car…if you don’t do the routine maintenance then it creates bigger, more expensive problem…but if you ignore those engine lights signal issues then sometimes, the damage becomes unfixable.  It is important to ask yourself if you can afford NOT to spend time getting help?  If you stay on the same path what will the damage to the relationship look like in 3, 6, 9 months from now? Therapy is a time commitment but it is worth it with a skilled therapist.

4. How will I open up to a stranger?

Opening up and sharing your inner most thoughts and feelings can be very hard…there are concerns of being judged, blamed or attacked. Although part of therapy and all growth is that you will have to deal with some difficult issues, one thing you want to look for is a therapist you feel safe and comfortable around. This doesn’t mean a skilled couples therapist won’t call out problematic behavior but they do it to move you out of painful, ineffective patterns with care and compassion.

Expert couples therapists create a safe environment to share while calling out what they see.  When you find this type of therapist, you will feel their experience, education and training in the skillful way they navigate the sessions.  Those therapists continue to train in the field they love and you reap the benefits. This commitment to their own professional and personal growth often helps clients feel safer exploring even the most vulnerable of issues.

Here is the bottom line:  Get the right help…before the damage is unfixable. Find the right help that fits for you, make the right investment to get the best return.

At the Couples Institute Counseling Services, we are passionate about addressing challenges with our clients and continuously growing our skills.  We deeply care about the services we offer because, like me, all of the therapists here strive to practice what we teach and uphold a commitment to professional excellence. We use the power of healing from our own painful experiences in the skills we teach our clients.

If you are interested in learning more about the services we offer, or want a free 20-minute consultation, please contact us.

My marriage is proof that with the right help and effort, amazing things can happen.

So reach out to us now…we can help.

We look forward to hearing from you! Please fill out this form and we will get in touch with you shortly.

Couples Institute Counseling Services

[couplesinstitutecounseling]

The goal of this article is to help you find the couples therapist that’s right for you. Helping couples is something I am extremely passionate about for both professional and personal reasons.  Because of that I wanted to get this information out on a couple of different platforms, so you can read the article or listen to it online.

Let me start by introducing myself, my name is Stacy Lee and I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.  I am also the Clinical Director of The Couples Institute Counseling Services.  The other thing I would like for you to know about me is that I am been where many of you are. I have felt the pain of helplessly watching my relationship fall apart.

Feeling like enemies with the person I was meant to feel safe and connected to.

Feeling lost about how to make it better. Desperate. Hopeless.

Here is a little of my story…

My husband and I have been married for 15 years and we have 2 amazing kids.  Yet 10 years ago if you would have asked me if we would make it to our 15th wedding anniversary, I would have shook my head with tears or anger.

Two years into our marriage, we got stuck in a number of negative and extremely painful patterns.  I wasn’t yet a therapist, but I was in my Masters program and felt very ashamed that I was having issues in my relationship!

I was learning all about how to help others so shouldn’t I have all the answers?

I felt embarrassed admitting the struggles we were having.  It was hard for me to open up.  When I did, my well-intentioned audience had my back… but this meant pointing out why my husband was to blame.  Their “support” only created more landmines on the path to reconciliation.

But I was willing to fight to save our marriage. Over the next few years we tried many different therapists.  Even though some progress would happen, unfortunately nothing really changed.

After our son was born, we hit a wall and separated.  We had fought for so long and nothing was working. We had seen many different well-meaning therapists, but there was still so much pain.

It stood to reason that we were just broken or not a good fit to be together.

At this time, I had started working at The Couples Institute and interning under Dr. Ellyn Bader.  As embarrassed as I was to be a couples therapist failing in my own marriage, I shared with her what was going on.

She connected us to a therapist who truly specialized in couples.

Honestly, at this point, I wasn’t sure we could come back from the abyss we had created. But I knew I didn’t want to let go until we had tried everything. This felt like our last shot.

That’s when something amazing happened.

My husband and I started going to therapy sessions again, and right from the beginning there was a huge difference.  Our therapist was empathetic and strong, letting us share our story but also confidently directing the session.

She helped us get a real look at our own contribution to the problem, and the patterns we had that kept us stuck. Our therapist helped us stop pointing fingers and take responsibility for ourselves.  With amazing help and a lot of work we DID NOT SAVE OUR MARRIAGE… what we created was SO much better than just a salvaged relationship. We created something fresh, healthy, and more loving than I ever thought possible.

After this turning point, we thrived even during really difficult times…pregnancy loss, fertility treatments, career changes, health scares, and the loss of family members.  We weathered these things together…imperfectly, but together.  This was huge for us.

We went on to have a beautiful daughter. Every time I look at her, I can’t help but think that she wouldn’t be here, my son wouldn’t have the joy of a sibling, and I wouldn’t be the person I am if we hadn’t worked with a truly skilled couples therapist.

Now I’m not saying my husband and I don’t annoy each other, fight, or make mistakes. What I am saying is through getting specialized couples therapy, we learned how to stop the painful patterns that were tearing us apart, accept and value our differences, and repair things quickly when we inevitably mess up.

I learned not only how to be a better partner, but a better therapist.  It also stoked my passion for helping other couples find the same quality of care we found. I want to keep you from wasting years and dollars on therapists with good intentions but who don’t really know how to work with couples.

I want every couple to have the best tools to fight for their relationship and make a clear decision, not a reactive one.

Now that I have shared a small bit of my journey with you, let me tell you about 4 common places people get stuck when choosing a couples therapist.

1. What style or approach is right for us?

There are many different therapy approaches out there. What you want is a dynamic therapist who isn’t trying to fit your unique situation into one static approach. The theories and approaches we study as therapists should be the foundation, but a skilled therapist will be able to pull from a wide variety.

Although therapists at The Couples Institute Counseling Services have the Developmental Model as the foundation, they pull from a number of different approaches. We don’t believe that there is a one-style-fits-all, so our therapists tailor their sessions to what their clients’ needs are, as well as bringing in their specialized skills.

2. How much should I spend?

Most people want to save money and feel like we are getting a good deal.  But the old adage “you get what you pay for” applies here.  Think of your relationship as an investment. If you put your money into the right investment it will yield a greater return.

Therapy is the same way; you invest your money into a highly skilled therapist, the hourly rate may be more, but so is the return on your investment.  Just like any specialist, true couples therapy specialists will be more expensive. The balance is weighing cost with expertise.  If you find a skilled couples therapist ask yourself “are they reassuringly expensive?”  This means do they have the education, training and skills to back up their fee. If so, it’s likely because they’re the best at what they do. And you may even save money in the long run, because working with someone skilled can often means fewer sessions.

3. Where will I find the time?

Life is busy…work, commuting, kids, school, family obligations, the list goes on and on…there is never a good time to be in relationship distress. But equally true is the longer you let the problem go on, the longer it will take to repair it.  What may take a few months now may take a few years later.  Think of it like taking care of a car…if you don’t do the routine maintenance then it creates bigger, more expensive problem…but if you ignore those engine lights signal issues then sometimes, the damage becomes unfixable.  It is important to ask yourself if you can afford NOT to spend time getting help?  If you stay on the same path what will the damage to the relationship look like in 3, 6, 9 months from now? Therapy is a time commitment but it is worth it with a skilled therapist.

4. How will I open up to a stranger?

Opening up and sharing your inner most thoughts and feelings can be very hard…there are concerns of being judged, blamed or attacked. Although part of therapy and all growth is that you will have to deal with some difficult issues, one thing you want to look for is a therapist you feel safe and comfortable around. This doesn’t mean a skilled couples therapist won’t call out problematic behavior but they do it to move you out of painful, ineffective patterns with care and compassion.

Expert couples therapists create a safe environment to share while calling out what they see.  When you find this type of therapist, you will feel their experience, education and training in the skillful way they navigate the sessions.  Those therapists continue to train in the field they love and you reap the benefits. This commitment to their own professional and personal growth often helps clients feel safer exploring even the most vulnerable of issues.

Here is the bottom line:  Get the right help…before the damage is unfixable. Find the right help that fits for you, make the right investment to get the best return.

At the Couples Institute Counseling Services, we are passionate about addressing challenges with our clients and continuously growing our skills.  We deeply care about the services we offer because, like me, all of the therapists here strive to practice what we teach and uphold a commitment to professional excellence. We use the power of healing from our own painful experiences in the skills we teach our clients.

If you are interested in learning more about the services we offer, or want a free 20-minute consultation.

My marriage is proof that with the right help and effort, amazing things can happen.

So reach out to us now…we can help.

We look forward to hearing from you!