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tesskeats · 6 years ago

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Comfort

I’m finding some comfort in read a friend of a friends Instagram. At 2:20am in the morning because my son is teething and can’t sleep. There for I can’t sleep. 😊🤣🤷‍♀️

This girl lets call her Sara, is living the dream life, my dream life for myself.

I believe she’s about 23 years old, living in Japan and has gone to a Japanese/English university and graduated with her Bach of arts degree. She has many friends English and Japanese, picked out her graduation clothes which turned out to be traditional Japanese wear, Japanese boyfriend, and now she’s going to find a job back home in America to be closer to her family.

The regret and mistakes I’ve made in life. Here is how my life turned out after graduation of high school.

2005-2011 what is like to call the fuzzy years. I broke up with Will, my half Japanese first love of my life for a guy who I became friends with at an arcade and lived near me. Because it was easier at the time than the long distance. Boy was I severely mistaken. I would never have known that this boy... Will... I would still be trying to look for his love and him for over 10+ years in every relationship. I never should have left him. Because it started a chain reaction of events where people would hurt me and abuse me. The boy I dated instead of Will, Taylor, cheated on me. Then I started dating women again. Also cheated on me. Then I found Melissa. Short lived, short loved, but so intense at the time for me and pivotal in my sexual identity. I had never loved a woman that much.

So from Melissa to about 2011 I dated/ slept with quite a few women. Couldn’t really find the one or didn’t care to due to being so fucked up. Gained a lot of weight. During this time I went to a community college and struggled so much due to bad education from an alternative school which mentally was the best choice for me at the time. I ended up getting kicked out temporarily from that community college due to plagiarism, which I truly believed how you wrote a research paper was rewarding bits and pieces from different websites and books.. and make it fit. My freshman comp 1 teacher failed me on my last paper, and I would have passed. I had to write a letter pleading back into university. It was embarrassing but I grew from it. Back to relationships. So I never graduated from the community college but I took up to Japanese 4 mainly to speak to my boyfriend but ex at the time.... I didn’t succeed past that or want to try since we weren’t together. Another future opportunity gone. During that time I worked at a home daycare. So I had decided I wanted to be a massage therapist on a cruise. So I jumped into massage school 2010, graduated and couldn’t find a cruise job. Gained up to 256 and went to another university for graphic design. Where was my life even going? I just kept jumping to jumping from situation not ever really thinking it through or understanding what’s going on. Still to this day my life would be much happier and simpler if I had just stayed with Will. Sigh. So I meet Ashley when I start graphic design university and she is my perfect new better Will, but a woman. And like I said perfect. 💗 I couldn’t have imagined to meet someone with a similar personality, make me laugh, perfect. But we got comfortable. And I’m not sure what happened specifically. Other than, she said at the end I never protected myself. And when we broke up, I didn’t have a fall out plan. Which seems to be a pattern in my life. Like I’m not mature or wise enough to have a back up plan or think ahead. I was heart broken when I left my perfect job in Oklahoma to move us to Colorado only to find 6 months later... she would break up with me and I’d have to restart all over again. Honestly it was the most civil and best break up you could have. Still to this day (even though we do not talk, she’s married, and I wish her the best happiness ever), best relationship I ever had. And I took it for granted and somewhere along the way messed up. Like all these awful people in my life messed up on me. And I did it to her. I carry such heavy weight on how I handled everything with her. it’s hard to let go and not over analyze every minute detail of WHAT DID I DO WRONG? Why am I not enough.

Fast forward 2015-2019. I had the worst relationship with a person I didn’t think you could have. And I was sooooooo Soooo SOOOOOOO completely beer goggles and blinded by the multiple multiple cheating. And I thought, hey if he loves me enough to have a child with me, that surpasses it all. Not with narcissistic sociopaths. They have no guilt, only shame. And shame because how everyone else views them. I have a 2 year old son. He has not seen his dad in almost 3 weeks, and he lives 5 minutes away and is unemployed like myself. It breaks my heart. He had him for 18 hours almost 3 weeks ago, and he asked me to come get him bc he kept saying momma, momma, momma. Fast forward to today. Not only does he have a new gf he cheated on me with, but one he’s known for 4 weeks, lives in Alaska, and is a stranger. He told me they’re just friends. Then it’s just the game. Then when I found I LOVE YOU TEXTS, it’s just how they talk bc or the game. And now 2.5 weeks after we break up. She’s in secret living there. I predicted this would happen, I predicted she would move in, however, I did not predict it would happen so fucking soon and he would try to HIDE IT FROM ME. Well shit is going down.

How is this my life? From a simple romance and true love with Will. To fighting for my mental sanity and son. Unemployed, single mother, living with her mom at 32.

I am truly afraid this, is going to kill me. It’s so much pressure on my organs and heart because i cannot handle the stress and pain of it all. I will give my son everything and my life for him to be with me. Taking care of him gives me such intense selfish joy, I cannot imagine my life without him. I’m filled with love, pride, and excitement to watch him grow and learn and be the boy he is becoming. When I look at his face, I see his father so clearly and part of me wants to cry and throw up, but I remind myself... if you give him all the love...teach him from right and wrong...show him how to truly care and love someone.. he won’t turn out to be his father. He won’t hurt women like his dad hurt me and so many others in his past. No in person should ever have to be in the situation I am in. The pain. The physical, mental and emotional pain. I thought I had anxiety and depression before... this is such another level.

With my anxiety and depression so heightened I’m worried I will die soon. My body and organs can’t take enough of the stress and mental damage that’s been afflicted on me. And My son will be forever with his father and new family. And even though, if I do die, l won’t be able to find out how he turns out. Which is the worst thing that could ever happen to me. Because I’ll be gone. And I won’t be able to see how he lives and grows up. So I want to write a short letter to my son.

~~~

Dear Noy,

Today is April 11, 2019 2:47am. You just turned two a few weeks ago and mommy is so proud of you. You’re learning to put your shoes on, and even try to say more words! You can whisper shoes, blue, show, and even car. You can clearly say; momma, dada, mmm, bubble, baba, car, duck, meow, woof, roar,mum mum. Right now I think that’s about it. I started you on almond milk recently because you had a tummy ache for a while and you love it. You also really love mango juice and frozen pineapples. :) we recently went and had ice cream together and you got a vanilla cone and shared with mommy. Mommy loves all these fun special times and moments with you. Especially bath time. Playing in the water and singing abcs and “swimming swimming swimming in the sea that mean old shark will never catch me” and you will flop on your tummy and swim away when I sing that lol. You love bubbles and colored tablets in your bath and to splash around. When you get hurt or sad you cry for momma. And lift your arms up and say “ohhh 🥺😩😢🥺” because you want me to hold you and it’s the most precious and amazing feeling ever. It makes mommy’s heart and head and everything so happy and loved and wanted. You’re my angel and my true version of happiness and fullfillment. I’m so honored and lucky to have you in my life Noy. You’re such a good boy. Mommy loves you! So so much! 💗💋 I hope that someday I can read you this letter and tell you how much you’ve changed and grown into a young man. See you go to elementary school and high school graduation. But baby if I don’t, and I for some reason leave you too soon. It doesn’t mean I didn’t do anything and everything in my power to love and provide the very best for you. I am not a perfect person, but I know I love you. So be strong, remember all these little memories I shared with you. And remember to treat everyone with kindness, do not hurt a lady because it can truly hurt her forever like it has with mommy, and plan for your dreams. You can do anything you want. Don’t settle. And love your family with all your heart. I love you Noy. XOXOXOX, Mommy

It’s officially 3am and I have to get up at 7am to do some things. 2pm is when everything is getting into motion. And going down. Please universe spare me the drama and heart ache. Let this be easy and smooth. Let me handle things with grace. Let me live and not die.

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bloojayoolie · 6 years ago

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Being Alone, Andrew Bogut, and Bad: A friendly, playful, incredibly affectionate boy dreams of a new family to love him. QUIGGLph Id 51057, 4 Yrs., 65 lbs. Waiting w/hope, at the Brooklyn ACC **** THE SHELTER MADE ME A PRIORITY PLACEMENT THIS WEEK **** If I don't find a home this weekend, I will be in the front of the line on the TBK list !!! Intake Date – 12/22/2018 “I was abandoned because my dad had holiday travel plans!” Poor QUIGGLE is no stranger to a home of bars. His parent admitted that Quiggle spent 16 hours of every day crated, both at night when he slept and during the day when he was at work, for 3 long years. Before that, Quiggles had been at the ACC, in June of 2016, when his name was King George. He was a baby then, super friendly, social, affectionate and active, and he was also AVERAGE RATED! Little King George didn’t expect to have a life spent in cages, or a life spent under-socialized and with barely any contact with the outside world. After all 3 years spent with his dad, his dad decided to arrange some holiday travel this Christmas and dumped Quiggle at the shelter stating "I can't take him with me" and "he has behavior issues." We'd say his parent has behavior issues! How does an average rated puppy end up being a NH only puppy, protective of his parent who was his only world. It’s no surprise to any of us at MLD. Quiggle needed friends. He needed to continue to meet people and play with other dogs (in a former distant life he loved a small dog) but instead he had only his parent who seemed occupied with his life and spent little time with Quiggle. Now this highly affectionate, friendly, social and playful young man is short listed for the kill list, despite all these sterling qualities. Quiggle is STILL playful and bouncy with the girl dogs in playgroup, so a female companion may be lovely for him! So please, look at that adorable face – with his one Groucho Marx eyebrow and give this boy the life he always dreamed of when he was a puppy, the life he never had. He will need to go to an experienced adult only family (no kids under Age 13). Hurry and MESSAGE our page or email us at [email protected] for assistance fostering or adopting Quiggle. VIDEO FROM 2016 STAY AT THE ACC, WHEN QUIGGLES WAS NAMED KING GEORGE: https://youtu.be/tkc-uRLgpCk QUIGGLE (aka King George, id A1074117), ID# 51057, @ 4 Yrs. Old, 65 lbs. Brooklyn ACC, Large Mixed Breed (Bull Terrier) Gray / White, Neutered Male Owner Surrender Reason: Owner going away for holidays / behavior Shelter Assessment Rating: New Hope Rescue Only Medical Behavior Rating: OWNER SURRENDER NOTES – BASIC INFORMATION: Quiggle was surrendered into BACC due to his behavioral issues and also the owner was going away for the holidays and was unable to take Quiggle with them. Quiggles has previously lived with his 1 parent. Quiggle is aggressive towards strangers. He will bark, try to snap and lunge at strangers. It is unknown how he would behave around children. Owner stated he takes Quiggles to the dog park to play with the dogs but it depends on the type of dog and how Quiggle is feeling. Owner stated he tries not to have any bad accidents with another dog. Owner stated he has to be the dog in control when he plays. Quiggles has not been around cats so his behavior is unknown. Owner stated Quiggle do not resource his food or toys. They stated if you try to take his toy he will want to play tug of war with you. Quiggles is housetrained and has a high energy level. He has never had any medical issues. Bite history: Owner stated Quiggle has a behavioral issue. He tired two dog trainers and took him to the vet. He snapped at the owner's friend two months ago but did not break skin or scratch. Owner thinks this was due to Quiggles not knowing what was going on, and there were too many people in the house. He stated Quiggle also bit a dog while walking with the dog walker and broke skin but no stitches were required. The owner doesn't know much of the details surrounding what happen. He stated from what the dog walker told him, Quiggles got into an argument with another dog, and when they turned a corner he took it out on a different dog. For a New Family to Know: Quiggle is friendly, affectionate, playful dog with his owner. He loves affection and he likes to play tug of war. He also like to play fetch and chase with tennis balls. He likes to a guard his owner. He sleeps in a kennel about 16 hours a day, when the owner goes to work and to go to sleep at night. He eats dry food 3x a day. He is house trained. He does not like grooming. He goes to the bathroom on cement and dirt. He loves to brisk walk and run/jog for exercise. He pulls very hard on leashes. INTAKE BEHAVIOR – DATE OF INTAKE, 12/22/2018: Upon intake no handle was done with counselor. Owner put on a muzzle on Quiggle to avoid the dog trying to bite anyone. After the muzzle was put on, Quiggle began growling, barking and trying to lunge at anyone in the room who tried to come close to the owner. SHELTER ASSESSMENT - Date of assessment: 26-Dec-2018 Summary: Unable to SAFER due to behavior concerns: Quiggle has allowed minimal handling from his caretakers. Out of concern for his stress levels and his response to restraint, we feel Quiggle is not a great candidate for a handling assessment at this time. Please see his owner surrender profile for a full summary of his behavior in his previous home. PLAYGROUP NOTES – DOG TO DOG SUMMARIES: According to Quiggle's previous owner, Quiggle has spent time with one small dog that he was relaxed and playful with. His most recent owner reported that when Quiggle is at a dog park playing with dogs, he is selective with who he plays roughly with. When Quiggle was at the Care Center in 2016, he greets appropriately and wanders in the pen, occasionally sniffing the greeter dog. He is able to engage in bouncy, high energy play with males and females, but does attempt to mount them. He maintains loose and bouncy body language. The Behavior Department recommends that a thorough dog-dog interaction is done with any potential adopter's dogs to make sure the adopter's dog is tolerant of his high energy and mounting behavior. Playgroup 1 - 12/23: Quiggle briefly greets a novel female dog then anxiously paces the yard and paws at the gate ignoring her completely. Playgroup 2 - 12/26: Quiggle briefly greeted a novel female, but continued to display anxious behaviors. As the session progressed, his body did loosen and he offered the female a quick bounce. Quiggle remained neutral and explored the pens for the remainder of the session. INTAKE BEHAVIOR - Date of intake: 22-Dec-2018. Summary: growling, barking, lunging, no handling done. MEDICAL BEHAVIOR - Date of initial: 23-Dec-2018. Summary: tense, but allowed handling. ENERGY LEVEL: Quiggle has a high energy level and will need daily mental and physical activity to keep him engaged and exercised. We recommend long-lasting chews, food puzzles, and hide-and-seek games, in additional to physical exercise, to positively direct his/her energy and enthusiasm. BEHAVIOR DETERMINATION: NEW HOPE ONLY Recommendations: No children (under 13), Recommend no dog parks, Place with a New Hope partner. Recommendations comments: Due to all noted concerns displayed in a home environment, the behavior department recommends Quiggle be placed with a New Hope placement partner who is able to provide an experienced adult-only foster home. A period of decompression is recommended to allow Quiggle to acclimate comfortably to his new environment; force-free, reward based training only is advised when introducing Quiggle to new and unfamiliar situations. Consultation with a professional trainer/behaviorist is highly recommended for guidance to safely manage/modify any behavior Quiggle presents with outside of the care centers. No Dog Parks: Due to Quiggle's pickiness towards dog's we recommend no dog parks. Potential challenges: Multiple-bite history/risk of future aggression, On-leash reactivity/barrier frustration. Low threshold for arousal. Potential challenges comments: Social Hyper Arousal. Quiggle has displayed low threshold for arousal, rapidly escalating and quickly tipping over to aggression (owner reported dog biting friend when overwhelmed in house full of people & dog biting another dog after being upset with separate dog.) Immediate intervention and consultation with a qualified veterinary behaviorist/professional trainer is strongly recommended to aid in addressing this issue to prevent further behavioral concerns that may appear in the future if not treated right away. We recommend only force-free, reward based training when introducing or exposing Quiggle to new and unfamiliar situations. On Leash Reactivity/Barrier Frustration: At the care center Quiggle has been observed to react to other dogs and human passerby on leash, lunging towards them, barking and growling (reported by owner and seen at intake). Quiggle may need positive reinforcement, reward based training to teach him to look at you rather than other dogs and novel stimuli that may startle him. We recommend a front clip harness or head halter to help manage this behavior. Multiple-bite history: Quiggle reportedly bit owner's friend on hand but did not break skin and also bit another dog while on a walk with dog walker and broke skin. Please see owner profile. MEDICAL EXAM NOTES 23-Dec-2018 Progress Exam. Adding trazodone per behavior request. Trazodone 100mg tablet -- give 3 tablets PO q12h x 7days. 23-Dec-2018 DVM Intake Exam. Estimated age: Microchip noted on Intake? Scanned positive. mc#981020015674718. History : Surrender due to behavior and holiday travel. Reported to have had training sessions with no improvement. Hx of snapping at people and other dogs. Subjective / Observed Behavior - BAR; tense, but allowed handling. Evidence of Cruelty seen – none. Evidence of Trauma seen – none. Objective: BCS 7/9, EENT: Eyes clear, ears clean, no nasal or ocular discharge noted. Oral Exam: did not examine due to behavior. PLN: No enlargements noted. H/L: No murmur ausculted; CRT < 2, Lungs clear, eupnic. ABD: Non painful, no masses palpated. U/G: neutered male. MSI: Ambulatory x 4, skin free of parasites, no masses noted, healthy hair coat. CNS: Mentation appropriate - no signs of neurologic abnormalities. Rectal: externally normal. Assessment: overweight. Prognosis: excellent. Plan: recommend advanced behavioral training. SURGERY: neutered ********* NOTES FROM PREVIOUS STAY, 2016 (ADOPTED 6/11/16) KING GEORGE – A1074117 **SAFER: AVERAGE HOME** MALE, GRAY / WHITE, AM PIT BULL TER MIX, 1 yr, 3 mos OWNER SUR – EVALUATE, NO HOLD Reason NO TIME Intake condition EXAM REQ Intake Date 05/17/2016, From NY 11212, DueOut Date 05/17/2016, Medical Behavior Evaluation GREEN Medical Summary 05/18/16 12:16 Scan : negative Sex: male Approx 1-2yr S/O: BAR, friendly. Clean EENT. Cardiothoracic auscultation WNL. BCS 5/9. NOSF A: APH PROGNOSIS: EXCELLENT Weight 51.4 A volunteer writes: King George is rightly named. He has a regal bearing. With a black cape and white checkered pattern he is sure to turn heads in your neighborhood. One year and three months old–he is barely out of puppydom. Georgie is just the dog you need around the house. PROFILE King George is a year and 3 month old Bull Terrier/ American Pit Bull Terrier mix who was surrendered due to his previous owner not having the time to care for him. SOCIALIZATION Around strangers King George is friednly, outgoing and plays gently and somewhat rough with adults. King George has lived with children under the age of 12; around them King George plays somewhat rough. King George has spent time with one small dog who he was relaxed and playful with. King George has never been around cats so it is unknown how he will react to them. King George has never bitten another person or animal. BEHAVIOR King George will often defecate and urinate indoors and it is unknown how he will react to loud sounds. King George is not bothered by anyone touching his food or bowl while he is eating, taking a treat or toy/object away. King George is also not bothered by anyone pushing/pulling him off of the furniture, giving him a bath, trimming his nails, brushing his coat or holding/restraining him. If an unfamiliar person approached King George’s home or family he is friendly toward them. King George is also not bothered by anyone disturbing him while he is resting/sleeping. FOR A NEW FAMILY TO KNOW King George is described as: friendly, affectionate, playful, and excitable with a very high activity level. King George previous owner said that King George is very playful and thinks that he is a lap dog. When at home King George likes to follow around his owner and likes to play with squeaky toys, balls, and chew toys. King George likes to play chase, wrestling and tug. King George has been kept mostly indoors and was fed dry food three times a day. King George is partially house trained and has accidents a few times a week. When left alone at home King George will go to the bathroom indoors. When left alone in a yard King George will bark. King George has never been crate trained and know sthe commands sit, come and down. For exercise King George likes running and jogging. n the leash King George pulls very hard. When off leash King George will wander some but comes when she is called. King George will usually go to the bathroom on the grass outside. INTAKE BEHAVIOR King George allowed staff to collar, scan for a microchip and take pictures with no signs of aggression. SAFER King George previously lived with 2 adults and children under the age of 12 years old. The owner stated King plays with the children but somewhat rough, he also spent time with one small dog that he was relaxed and playful with. The owner describes King as friendly, affectionate, playful, and excitable. The owner mentioned King is partially house trained, has a high activity level and when home alone in the yard he will bark. AT INTAKE / SHELTER ASSESSMENT NOTES At intake it was reported King George was calm and allowed all handling. During SAFER King George came into the assessment room calm and relaxed, he was friendly and social towards the assessor. He allowed all handling items to be conducted without issue. King was relaxed during the tag interaction, and during the resources portion of the assessment King was easy to handle when engaged with the item. King George appears to be sociable, and did not display any behaviors concerns, so the department feels he can be suitable for an “Average” adopter. Look: 1. Dog’s eyes are averted. His ears are back, his tail is down, and he has a relaxed body posture. Dog allows head to be held loosely in Assessor’s cupped hands. Sensitivity: 1. Dog leans into the Assessor, eyes soft, soft and loose body, open mouth. Tag: 1. Follows at end of leash, body soft. Squeeze 1: 1. Dog does not respond at all for three seconds. His eyes are averted and his ears are relaxed. Squeeze 2: 1. Dog does not respond at all for three seconds. His eyes are averted and his ears are relaxed. Toy 1: No interest. Dog-dog: According to King George’s previous owner, King George has spent time with one small dog that he was relaxed and playful with. When off leash with dogs at the Care Center, King George greets appropriately and wanders in the pen, occasionally sniffing the greeter dog. PLAY GROUP NOTES According to King George’s previous owner, King George has spent time with one small dog that he was relaxed and playful with. When off leash with dogs at the Care Center, King George greets appropriately and wanders in the pen, occasionally sniffing the greeter dog. He is able to engage in bouncy, high energy play with males and females, but does attempt to mount them. The Behavior Department recommends that a thorough dog-dog interaction be done with any potential adopter’s dogs to make sure the adopter’s dog is tolerant of his high energy and mounting behavior. 5/24: King George greets with a loose and wiggly body. Once in the pen he solicits and engages in play. He becomes sexually motivated, attempting to mount the female greeter, but continues to play when solicited. 5/25: King George engages in bouncy play with a male dog. He attempts to mount him, but continues to play when solicited. 5/26: King George engages in group play. He chases and displays bouncy, loose body language. He attempts to mount the other dogs, but continues to play. 5/31-6/1: King George engaged in and solicited bouncy, mouthy play with males and females. He is tolerant of high energy play. *** TO FOSTER OR ADOPT *** QUIGGLE IS NEW HOPE RESCUE ONLY! To save his life, you must fill out applications with New Hope Rescue Partners. You cannot direct adopt him at the shelter. For assistance fostering or adopting Quiggle, please MESSAGE our page or email us at [email protected] If you would like to adopt a NYC ACC dog, and can get to the shelter in person to complete the adoption process, you can contact the shelter directly. We have provided the Brooklyn, Staten Island and Manhattan information below. Adoption hours at these facilities is Noon – 8:00 p.m. (6:30 on weekends) If you CANNOT get to the shelter in person and you want to FOSTER OR ADOPT a NYC ACC Dog, you can PRIVATE MESSAGE our Must Love Dogs page for assistance. PLEASE NOTE: You MUST live in NY, NJ, PA, CT, RI, DE, MD, MA, NH, VT, ME or Northern VA. You will need to fill out applications with a New Hope Rescue Partner to foster or adopt a NYC ACC dog. Transport is available if you live within the prescribed range of states. Shelter contact information: Phone number (212) 788-4000 Email [email protected] Shelter Addresses: Brooklyn Shelter: 2336 Linden Boulevard Brooklyn, NY 11208 Manhattan Shelter: 326 East 110 St. New York, NY 10029 Staten Island Shelter: 3139 Veterans Road West Staten Island, NY 10309

#funny #lol #humor #memes #meme #memehumor #dank memes #funny pics #rolf #lmao #Being Alone #Andrew B

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