#i go heavy on the content spoilers thing but i don't want anyone to read something they're avoiding ya know gbfjd | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

idyllic-affections · 1 year ago

Text

i know my kingdom awaits, and they've forgiven my mistakes.

summary. "Baizhu reached out to their shoulder, giving it a tender squeeze. "I just want to know why you left so abruptly. We were so close. There is nothing you could say or do that would make me resent you."" trigger & content warnings for self-hatred, severe blood, major traumatic life events, depictions of trauma, panic attacks & a fuck ton of crying, implications of suicidal ideation but it is never explicitly stated in an obvious way, overall heavy on the themes of mental health, heavy spoilers for baizhu's story quest and childe's character stories, [name] is called pretty once. tropes, pairings, fic length, & other notes. friends to strangers to friends, hurt/comfort. baizhu & childhood friend!reader, brief hints of childe & reader. 10k words. they/them pronouns for reader. author's thoughts. it is here. the fabled "friends to something significantly worse to friends again" fic is finally here (june if you're reading this, thank you for the idea lmaoo <33). btw! this post runs on the theory that skirk is associated with khaenri'ah. no idea what her personality is like so.... bear with me pls. she gives off "tired, bitter big sister" vibes in this fic. at one point, nightmare by set it off started playing while i was writing this and i think thats so fucking funny, that is so childhood friend![name]core. a LOT of ironic songs played while i was writing this actually! maybe ill make a post about it?

"What's the last thing on our list?"

Surely the sky had been painted by the Celestial Gods above—how else could one even hope to explain the otherworldly beauty it held? Pinks blended smoothly in with hues of golden orange and baby blue as the sun crept lower and lower towards the horizon. A few stars already dotted the evening sky, twinkling and sparkling against their background.

In the reflection of their eyes, the light danced.

Their friend hummed thoughtfully, brushing some of his hair away from his face, before scanning the words written in practically illegible handwriting inside the little journal the two's shared master had given them. "Violetgrass... I think."

"You think?" they echoed, amused, peering over his shoulder into the notebook. He shrugged.

"Master's handwriting isn't exactly... er, legible."

They giggled at that. "No doctor's is. I think it has something to do with how many prescriptions they have to write on a daily basis. Like... they have to write fast, so they have some kind of language of their own to be as efficient as possible."

"Is that so?"

"...Honestly, I don't know. Something like that, I guess."

He smiled at them, teasing, "Shouldn't you know better than anyone, [Name]?"

"Shut up, Baizhu, I'm still learning!" they huffed with faux annoyance, snatching the book from his hands. "Yeah, that says Violetgrass. Hm... you should probably go back, then. It's getting kind of late," they mused, meeting the boy's gentle burgundy gaze. "I've got it from here."

"Are you sure?" he asked. "I don't mind going with you."

"I'm sure. I get Violetgrass on my own all the time. It gets cold at night, and with everything going on, it's probably better that only one of us goes out. Less of a chance of the sickness spreading further, you know?"

"I can't really argue with that," he admitted. "Alright, but don't stay out too late."

"Don't worry," they reassured, "I don't intend to."

— flower of the universe !! 🌸

Darkness had fallen by the time they reached their normal spot for gathering Violetgrass. Specks of glittery stars dotted the night sky; it took all of their mental strength to not sit and admire it. They would never get their task done if they did.

'The last time I did this with my bag on, I fell.'

With that thought in mind, they hummed and carefully took the cross-body bag filled to the brim with medicinal herbs off. They set it neatly to the side. Before beginning, they stretched, hoping to somehow make themselves more flexible and limber by doing so. A series of satisfying pops were released from their bones.

It was then that they began gingerly scaling the cliffside—it wasn't impossibly steep, and they'd done it an abundance of times in the past, so it didn't present too big of a challenge. It wasn't anything they weren't used to.

The ground then unexpectedly trembled beneath their feet. They huffed as their foot slipped, sending them sliding down a few feet and back onto solid ground. The single piece of Violetgrass that they needed seemed to mock their failure from its place several feet above them.

"Aw, come on..." they murmured, slightly frustrated. "Maybe I should have had Baizhu stay and help..."

Then, again without warning, just as they were about to make another attempt, the ground split open.

A scream was torn from their throat as they fell. It was as if Teyvat itself had swallowed them into its core. They made a a desperate attempt to reach for the surface, but as soon as they were in, the crack snapped shut once again. No matter how fast they fell, no kind of ground ever seemed to get any closer. Briefly through their terror, they wondered if this was how they'd die—falling into nothingness for eternity until they starved, mortal body eventually decaying into nothing and becoming one with the never-ending emptiness.

This was never meant to be how they'd die. Their death was supposed to be fated through Changsheng's contract, not through... this.

A sob ripped through their throat as their body unexpectedly slammed into the ground. Upon impact, they knew at least a handful of bones in their wrists had broken. Perhaps it was unwise to brace their fall with their wrists, but then again... it would have been far worse if they landed on their back. Breaking their back may very well have been a death sentence in the scenario they were in. Honestly, they were just thankful that their shoulders and forearms seemed to be okay, aside from a rhythmic throbbing coursing through both arms. Their body trembled pathetically like a leaf in the wind, ready to be blown away at any second. At least a leaf would see daylight or even moonlight.

It was pitch black for them, as if the darkness actively sought out and destroyed any source of light it was capable of finding. It seemed to sap any will they might've had to resist, to find a way out. Their will was gone. It was like it was never there in the first place. The ominous dark took all that determination, all that light, and consumed it like a starved beast until there was nothing but a shell left behind.

A deep pit settled in their gut as they whimpered, curling up into a ball. Surely, this was just a dream. An awful, terrible dream. They'd wake up and everything would be normal—they'd still be on the surface, gathering the last of their master's requested herbs before heading back and resuming their life as normal.

Regardless of whether or not this was a horrifying nightmare, sleeping was far more appealing than staying awake.

It was with tears rolling down their cheeks that they tucked their head into their arms, wincing at the shooting pain that ascended the length of their arms when too much pressure was applied to their wrists, and succumbed to the boundless darkness.

— flower of the universe !! 🌸

Time was an illusion.

That's how they felt, at least, because they had no idea how long they had been underneath Teyvat for. It could've been hours or it could've been days—they wouldn't know the difference either way. Everything was fuzzy. Their sleep was restless and interrupted; no matter how hard they tried, they couldn't truly sleep. Even if they managed to fall asleep, they'd wake up again after a few minutes with a jolt and a wave of paranoia. What frustrated them so deeply about it was that they knew very well that their body would never heal if they didn't sleep well. They'd never have the strength to escape if that were the case. It was infuriating.

The distant echo of footsteps made their muscles tense. The sound ceased a few feet away from where they laid.

"You'll never survive down here like this."

A nervous whine threatened to leave their throat. They swallowed it down, hands trembling slightly.

"Get up. I can tell that you're awake."

Fuck.

With what minimal strength they did still have, they pushed themselves up using their elbows. Using their hands would only hurt them more. It was difficult to see, but nonetheless, they could see her eyes clearly. Empty, star-shaped irises stared down at them, piercing the very depths of their soul, picking them apart like some kind of subject of a dissection. The utter bite of her gaze caused them to suck in a sharp breath, posture straightening slightly.

"I've no idea why the Abyss would want someone so... pathetic," she scoffed. "Look at you, resigning to your fate like some kind of lost puppy with its tail between its legs."

"No, I... That's not..." they stammered, trailing off, hoarse voice quick to die out in the face of her frigid sternness. "I'm not..."

"Oh? Am I wrong?"

"No— Yes, I mean, yes, I was... My wrists, they broke when I fell, so... They broke and I don't have anything to fix them with, so I thought resting would be a better idea than running or fighting, and—"

"Alright, alright, stop. Get up. Follow me."

She began to walk away.

"H— huh?"

"You want to survive, don't you?"

They scurried after her before they could have any kind of second doubts.

— flower of the universe !! 🌸

The woman introduced herself as Skirk, a seasoned swodswoman with extensive knowledge about the Abyss and how to survive in it. She had been kind enough (well... it was debatable whether her gesture was out of kindness or due to ulterior motives, but they had no other choice but to trust her) to treat their injuries, stiffly wrapping their wrists so that they could heal properly.

It took about six weeks for them to heal adequately. Within that time, they were surprised to find that they had begun to be able to see through the darkness, as though their eyes had finally adjusted.

They had hoped she would help them get out when they were fully healed, but...

No.

When she asked if they wanted to survive, she sure as hell intended to teach them how to do just that.

"Slow, uncoordinated, weak," she criticized venomously, swinging her blade down at them with great force. She would undoubtedly kill them if they gave her any chance to. If they made one mistake... "Just how do you think you'll get by in this realm when you can hardly defend yourself?"

"I— I didn't have to in Teyvat!" they sobbed, tears streaking down their cheeks from both the pain of the several open cuts and bruises blooming on their skin and the pain of being away from home for so long. How long had it been? They had no clue. Their wrists throbbed as they parried her blade with one of their own. "I was the apprentice of a doctor! I was safe there!"

"Well, you're not safe here. Get used to it," she sneered. "It's kill or be killed down here."

"I don't want to kill!"

"Then you'll be killed."

— flower of the universe !! 🌸

"Stop hesitating. Kill it."

The Abyssal creature at their feet seemed to whimper, trying its best to crawl away from them. It's body was already terribly mangled, limbs broken and twisted in ways they never should have been. Archons know what the eldritch creature even was—they sure as hell had no clue. All they knew was that they felt sorry for it. It looked so small and weak beneath them. 'Pathetic,' a malevolent whisper drifted through their mind, 'it looks pathetic.' With a shake of their head, perhaps in an attempt to rid their mind of such cruel thoughts, cries escaped their throat. Their chest rose and fell in sobbing, labored breaths. All they could hear in their ears was the distinct sound of blood rushing. Their chest ached. Their body ached.

They wanted to go home.

"I can't, Skirk, I can't..."

"You can," she hissed, "and you will."

"No," they cried harder, "look at it! I can't..."

"You can," she repeated, though this time with strange serenity, as she stepped behind them; with her hands, she forced their dagger down into the creature's chest, "and you will."

Blood splattered across their figure as they let out an utterly visceral wail.

— flower of the universe !! 🌸

Soft sobs wracked their figure. The more they tried to suppress their cries, the worse they got.

Many nights were spent in this manner. It wouldn't be the first night they spent crying themselves to sleep, and it was unlikely to be the last. Was it from the pain? The stress, perhaps? They truly didn't know. The only thing they knew was that they could only fall asleep if they exhausted themselves by crying first.

They just wanted to go home.

Then again...

Would they be accepted back? There was blood on their hands now. Fresh blood of a life that had value just like any other before they so cruelly took it away because in Skirk's words, it was 'kill or be killed.'

Would they still be viable for Changsheng's contract?

What if their master was dead by the time they returned?

What if they never returned?

Maybe that would be for the better.

But they wanted to go home regardless.

Then, the first light they saw in what seemed to be ages graced their empty irises. The light was treasured. Without thinking, they trapped it between their palms like one would to a firefly in the night so that it could not escape them.

A cool, smooth stone that most definitely wasn't there before now sat between their cupped hands. The rush of cold against their feverish skin prompted them to peer inside the little cage created by their rough hands.

Inside sat a Cryo vision, still-wet blood smearing over its chilling surface.

That night, they cried harder than they ever had before, clutching the Cryo Archon's blessing like it was some kind of lifeline.

Contrary to what they may have believed at the time, the night they got their vision marked the final night they would ever spend crying themselves to sleep in the Abyss.

That "morning," Skirk would note an evident change in their demeanor.

That "morning" would mark the point at which the Abyss officially reached the depths of their soul, sucking the last of the light from them and changing them fundamentally.

That "morning" would mark the point at which they were no longer Changsheng's next contractee.

— flower of the universe !! 🌸

Skirk taught them much in the first seven months of their time in the Abyss.

The longer they stayed, the warmer she became in her behavior towards them. She vaguely reminded them of their medicinal Master, though she was certainly much tougher than he was. She was not unkind, they had concluded. She was simply hardened. Archons know what she must have been through to be so cold.

Despite all that, she even did them the kindness of celebrating their birthday.

"When you do finally get out," she had said to them that day, "you will find that very little time has passed in Teyvat. Don't be surprised. You'll be a year older mentally, but your bodily age will be about the same as it was when you fell."

"How long has it been since I fell, then?"

Her reply sent chills up their spine, stomach twisting in sheer disbelief:

"Seven days."

Of course, "celebrating" just meant that they got to sleep the day off rather than be relentlessly beat up by the swordswoman. Nonetheless, they appreciated the break.

Ultimately, they had come to the conclusion that she was much different than what they'd initially assumed.

They'd taken it upon themselves to patrol around what Skirk considered to be her "territory." They'd chuckled a bit to themselves when she described it in such a way, but said nothing, only offering to patrol in her place for the day as a favor. Allegedly, that was how she encountered them all those months ago.

They were surprised to find that they, too, encountered a poor victim of the Abyss. It was a boy; if they had to guess, they would say he was somewhere around their age, maybe slightly younger.

'Is this what Skirk saw when she looked at me? Archons, no wonder she looked like she was going to tear my throat out,' they mused absently, unblinking void eyes staring down at the ginger boy on the floor in front of them. He looked like he wanted to say something but simply couldn't force the words out. 'He really does look like a lost puppy... is that what I looked like?'

His blue eyes were wide with shock and terror, glossed over with unshed tears. The Abyss was slowly beginning to dim the light in those eyes of his, but hadn't gotten very far yet—they still shone with an innocence they hadn't seen in quite a while, an innocence that didn't belong in a place such as the Abyss. His shaking hands clasped weakly at his foot; that's when they noticed that it was broken.

Some kind of forgotten instinct suddenly sparked again in their chest at the sight of his wounded ankle. Life... it was a thing they were supposed to protect. That was something they had been taught for as long as they could recall. It was only after falling into the Abyss that they began to stray from those teachings.

They needed to protect him. He was so fragile, the poor thing.

Briefly, they wondered what Baizhu, Jiangli, and their Master were doing right about now. Were they worried? They had no way of knowing. They did their best to brush those thoughts off before the homesickness could set in.

"You're hurt..." they observed, breaking the uneasy silence. "Broke it when you fell, huh? Can you walk, or will I have to carry you?"

"H— huh? Um..."

"Right. Got it. Hurry up and get on my back," they instructed, kneeling down with their back facing him so he could climb on with ease.

"How—" he gasped, withdrawing from them. "How can I trust you?"

"You'll die if you don't," they stated plainly, glaring back at him. Their gaze sent chills up his spine. It was so... empty. He was sure that not even the most seasoned warrior in his home nation looked so blank. It seemed as if all the light had been sucked from their soul, leaving a hardened shell of what they once were. Even Fatui officials had some kind of light in their face, but they simply did not. It unsettled him. "Get on. Now. You wouldn't last a day out here."

Though hesitant and utterly terrified, he yielded, reaching up to wrap his arms securely around their neck. They hooked their arms under his thighs and hoisted him up. Then, with a huff, they stood up.

The silence weighed a little too heavy for the boy's liking. Once the initial terror had worn off, he felt something much warmer bloom in his chest—awe. Absolute, unfettered awe.

Surely someone as tough as them could help him become more courageous.

"What's your name?"

"What, you trying to make conversation? Build rapport? I'm not planning on killing you. Relax," they scoffed. Then, after a brief, awkward silence, they went on, "...It's [Name]."

"I'm Ajax," he greeted with surprising grit for someone who just fell into the Abyss. "Hey, you're brave, right?"

"I... I guess?"

They dared to peek back at him. His eyes shone with light and determination foreign to anything or anyone in the Abyss. It did not belong here. He did not belong here.

"Teach me how to be brave like that."

Little did he know that light would disappear soon enough. They simply chose to look away, rather than mourn the loss that was inevitably going to occur.

"...You'll want to meet my teacher, then. She'll toughen you up."

— flower of the universe !! 🌸

"What is that?"

Ajax squeaked slightly, to which their lips twitched upwards into the ghost of a vaguely amused smile. Skirk must have unsettled him even more than they did.

"A boy."

Skirk's cold eyes narrowed at them. "No shit, [Name]."

"He fell and broke his ankle, so I brought him here," they elaborated, kneeling down again so he could easily get off their back without hurting himself even more. He gingerly slid off of them. Once he was off, they stood back up, walking over to her. "Anyway, I see why you wanted to rip my head off when you met me. You're totally right. He looked fucking pathetic."

"Oh, you get it now, hm?" She smirked, placing a firm hand on their shoulder. "Never thought I'd see the day you called someone pathetic."

They shrugged. "This place changes you, but I suppose I don't have to tell you of all people that." Then, they beckoned her to lean down slightly. When she obliged them, they whispered something inaudible into her ear, occasionally glancing over at Ajax. They eventually withdrew, turning to face him.

"If it's courage you seek," Skirk said, scrutinizing the boy; he seemed to shrink under her gaze, "you'll indeed find it down here."

— flower of the universe !! 🌸

Ajax’s time in the Abyss was short. They had briefly wondered if they would ever one day run into him on the surface when they did eventually get out. The thought was oddly nice.

He changed very fast, they recalled. What was once a timid and easily frightened boy had become a hardened weapon of war that sought out bloodshed just for the thrill of it. It fascinated them, really. Why weren’t they like that? They were but a fraction of the beast that he had become. The sensation of being alive certainly gave them a rush, but they hardly reveled in it the way he did.

Then again, maybe that’s why they could at least hold their own against Skirk.

That was something he could never truly manage to achieve. Once in a blue moon, the Snezhnayan boy could hold his own against them, but never Skirk. She was on a different level entirely. Now that they really thought about it, however, it seemed very likely that it was because he just wasn’t level-headed in the way they were.

That brought another question to mind, however: why wasn’t he level-headed like them? Why did he relish in the bloodshed more than they did?

The only possible explanation was their origins. Being from Chenyu Vale, it was hardly any surprise that one particular ideology was stamped irremovably into their brain.

Even so…

It would be unrealistic to expect that they wouldn’t change during their stay in the Abyss. Their exposure to Abyssal energy was insanely long—the fact that they still cared at all about saving lives was shocking.

Fourteen months into their time in the Abyss, something in their mind snapped.

They could recall nothing about their episode. All they remembered was that Skirk had them training, as usual, against hordes of Abyssal monsters. It wasn’t something all too challenging for them; they were quite used to her highly demanding training sessions. Just when they started getting slightly overwhelmed, an unfamiliar rage boiled in their chest, and they blacked out.

When they came to, all they could see was death.

Blood soaked their clothes and fingertips. They were quick to come to the horrifying realization that it was not theirs. None of the blood was theirs. Not a single drop was theirs. The shallow scratch on their cheek wasn't even deep enough to bleed. They dared not turn around. Their gaze remained locked into the darkness ahead of them, hands trembling and eyes watering.

Before they could say or do anything, before Skirk could say or do anything, the Abyss spit them out. It simply... decided it was done. As if it had grown bored, or as if it were finally satisfied with the level of corruption in their mind and soul. They lost consciousness briefly, only to awaken exactly where they had gone missing over a year ago.

…

Well, over two weeks ago, they guessed. Time dilation was a difficult thing to get used to.

“Bright… Archons above…” they groaned, pressing their hands over their eyes in an attempt to gradually adjust to the sheer brightness of the surface. It made them a little sick, if they were to be quite honest; they had grown used to the pitch blackness of the other realm. “Gods, it’s bright…”

“…[Name]?”

They peeked through their fingers, squinting in the hopes of being able to make out the figure standing a few feet from them. When it finally hit them just who it was, their heart throbbed. The soft green hair they had grown so accustomed to braiding throughout their childhood, now wild and untamed as a terrible consequence of stress and panic, the tender eyes filled with perhaps a little too much wisdom for a child that age…

They were really back on the surface. It wasn’t just some sick trick of the mind, no.

They were home.

“Bai— Baizhu?”

— flower of the universe !! 🌸

He was quick to call for help, leading them back to their shared Master. Jiangli seemed to almost cry when she saw them again—tears of relief or tears of worry, they didn't know. She reminded them of a concerned mother.

However, something they dreaded terribly had come to pass.

Their Master discovered that they were in no need of his healing. They were uninjured. All that blood was not theirs. It was never theirs. They were completely unharmed.

"There isn't a single scratch on you."

They intentionally avoided his gaze, instead focusing on their hands rested in their lap. Absentmindedly, they noted how calloused and scarred their hands were compared to how soft they had once been. The hands of a healer had become something far more sinister. Changsheng was eerily quiet.

"...[Name]?"

"No"—they sniffled, finally meeting their Master’s golden irises filled with tender concern, concern they did not deserve after what they had done—"there isn't."

The conversation died right then and there.

— flower of the universe !! 🌸

Their departure from Chenyu Vale was sudden and unexpected. Many did not know why they left. All they left behind that could explain why they left was a small envelope for Baizhu, but they honestly didn't know if he would even open it. Leaving him without a single word... it made them want to cry every time they thought about it.

The goodbyes they said to Jiangli and their Master were tearful, but neither of the two could stop them from leaving after learning that they had suffered so much. After all, what place did a killer have in Chenyu Vale?

‘You’re not a killer,’ Jiangli had insisted. ‘You’re not. You belong here, with us.’

They disagreed with her sentiment. How could she still look at them with such kindness, even after knowing what awful things they had done? Maybe that’s why they left without speaking to Baizhu. Maybe they knew he would have pleaded with them to stay. Maybe they knew they would have stayed if it were he who asked.

Many of their years were spent wandering Teyvat, but every now and then...

They'd settle in Snezhnaya to catch up with an old acquaintance of theirs after tracking down his whereabouts.

"The Fatui, hm? Looks like you really aren't some scared little kid anymore. Shame. You were quite a cute scared little kid."

They hopped from nation to nation on a whim, picking up knowledge and still studying medicine on the side, though they wouldn't dare call themselves a doctor of any kind. It was Liyue that they often avoided, and if they really couldn't help it, they'd sneak along the border like some kind of internationally wanted criminal. The idea of running into Baizhu would always send their stomach into knots. What would they even say to him? He owed them nothing. He owed them no kind of forgiveness.

'And yet, despite all that...' they mused, staring vacantly at the sleeping Jiangli at their side, 'here I am. I won't let anything hurt you, even if it means putting myself at risk.'

Their fingers gently ran through her tangled locks.

The constant pulsating glow of their Cryo vision was indication enough that, through their own means, they were keeping those terrible god remains at bay. Between the gorgeous icy energy that generated from them, a magenta glow was woven in like some kind of skilled artist's tapestry. It was as beautiful as it was unsettling.

The Abyss would always be a part of them. They might as well put Skirk's teachings to use.

"Why do you do such insane things?" they wondered aloud, head tilting back to shift their empty gaze towards the roof of the cavern. "You know that if I destroy those remains, your husband will die, and yet... I followed you nonetheless, knowing I would be at an impasse until someone came to rescue us, knowing I would inevitably cross paths with the one I have fought so hard to avoid. Why are you like this? So irresponsible, but then again... I am no better. I wouldn't be here if I was."

"Jiangli!"

"Well... it doesn't matter now," they murmured quietly, gently shaking her shoulder. "Jiangli, wake up. Baizhu and your husband are here. Some others too… I don’t know them though."

"We found her!... but who's that beside her?"

Baizhu was oddly silent, watching how they treated her with such tenderness, helping her sit up when she groggily rubbed the sleep from her eyes. Jialiang did not so much as flinch, however—he rushed up to them.

"[Name]! How is she?! Is she okay?!"

"Gods, Jialiang—" they hissed, pinching his arm in a soft attempt at scolding him. They vaguely resembled a parent chiding their child, despite the fact that he was older than them. "Don't run like that. You'll keel over dead if you keep that up. She's fine. She was just sleeping, I promise. I ensured her safety."

"Your ability to stave off the effects of the god remains is rather impressive, [Name]."

"...It's really not, Baizhu," they opposed quietly, rising to their feet. They dared not meet his eyes, looking anywhere but at him—they would feel an overwhelming sense of guilt if they were to see the evidence of his and Changsheng's contract, the contract that was always meant to be theirs. On top of that… they were certain he could see right through them, see the way they huffed out their breaths in a labored attempt at getting enough oxygen. "Don't try to make conversation. I'm not planning on running away this time. Jiangli probably did this on purpose... she forced my hand. It— look, it doesn’t matter. We'll talk about this, about everything, later."

He seemed content with that answer—for the time being, at least.

"Well, that's a first," Changsheng hissed from around the doctor's neck, "now isn't it?"

"You're getting sassy in your old age, Changsheng," they commented. "Haven't changed a single bit since the last time I saw you, hmm? Sassy old lady~"

"Hey!"

"Sorry, wait— Paimon's confused," the floating fairy interrupted. ‘Oh,’ they thought, ‘so that’s who Ajax was talking about.’ "Knowing Baizhu is one thing, but knowing Changsheng is waaaay different! Who are you?"

"My name is [Name]," they introduced with deceptive calmness that masked the pure, unadulterated panic they were experiencing on the inside. "You may have heard of me through a certain Fatui Harbinger. ‘Codename Childe, but I also go by Tartaglia,’ you know. The ginger with a bunch of cute siblings. Have you met them? They’re the cutest. Anyway, the harbinger has quite the collection of good things to say about you, traveler."

Aether tensed slightly, shooting Baizhu an odd look, almost as if to ask who he was associating with in his spare time.

"Relax. I'm not a part of the Fatui," they dismissed with a wave of their hand. "Those people are a bit insane, if you ask me, supporting a deity who hardly seems to care for them or the general population of her nation... Erm. Anyway. I only happen to know Ajax because we were both victims of the same circumstance a while back."

"What..." Aether trailed off, blinking. Something in the way he looked at them, looked at the blankness in their eyes, said that he already understood. "...What does that mean?"

"Ask him yourself. Do me a favor, though, and tell me what he says. I'm genuinely curious."

"Hey!" Paimon cut in with an annoyed huff, stomping her foot like an aggravated toddler. The thought made them smile slightly. "Stop ignoring Paimon! You still didn't answer her question!"

"[Name] was another one of my Master's disciples, like Jiangli," Baizhu explained on their behalf, briefly glancing in their direction. "Although... I haven't seen them in several years. Like Jiangli, they too ran away."

"Oh, Gods, Baizhu," they groaned, turning to face him properly for the first time in years. Their breath almost dared to hitch at the golden irises that stared back at them. "Don't be dramatic. Are you telling people I ran away? I didn't run away. I told our Master why I was leaving and when I planned on doing so. It's Jiangli who really didn't tell anyone why she left. I wasn't that secretive about why I left, you know."

"Nuance."

They then softened up slightly, running their hand through their hair. A deep sigh left through their nose. "...You really haven't changed at all."

He seemed to smile a bit at their exasperation. It was only fair, they supposed. They had left him in the dark for years. He deserved to find some amusement in the uncomfortable situation they were both forced into.

"Well... whatever. We have bigger issues than my past friendships right now," they said, crossing their arms over their chest. "What are we doing about these remains? I have protected Jiangli's body and mind, but only to an extent. She is infected and it will continue to worsen if we do nothing. However, if we destroy these remains..."

"Indeed..." Baizhu murmured, turning to the man in question. "If we destroy these remains, your life will come to an end."

"If you knew what she was doing," Aether cut in, "why didn't you stop her?"

"You cannot stop a woman like that once she has her heart set on something. All I could do was watch from the background until she put herself in too much danger, to the point where I'd have to defend her," they sighed, "such as what she did here."

Jialiang looked between them and Baizhu. "...I had wondered when this day might come."

Jiangli was silent.

"We've been working our butts off to save Jialiang's life!" Paimon shouted. "We can't just give up on him now! Baizhu, you're a great doctor. Surely you've gotta know of some other way we can save him, right? Or— [Name]! If you studied with Baizhu, you should know a few things too, right?"

"Sure. I still remember some things from that time," they replied, tilting their head back a bit so they could gaze at Jiangli's husband. "Jialiang could continue taking the poison. Jiangli is... in decent condition overall, so it wouldn't be the end of the world to delay the destruction of the remains, but she will fall more ill as time goes on. Either way, someone will die if we don't do something."

"[Name], you've been watching Jiangli," Jialiang stated, standing up to meet their eyes. "How long does she have?"

"If she completely stopped coming here..." they mused thoughtfully, "a few weeks at most would be my guess. You'd probably get a more precise answer from Baizhu, though."

"I would say that is accurate," Baizhu agreed, nodding. "I could... extend that time, however, if I were to treat her using a secret art."

"You..." They wanted to scold him, chide him for even suggesting such a thing, but in the end, they did not. It would make them a hypocrite. They simply bit their tongue. Jiangli watched closely with a gentle gaze comparable to that of an aunt or a mother as the various emotions flickered across their expression.

"...But what would be the point of that?" Jialiang lamented. "Dr. Baizhu, I am all too aware of the dangers of god remains. You are not the first to mention it to me. [Name] often warned me, but... I did not listen. If I continue to sustain my own life using this wretched substance, then not only would Jiangli have to keep risking her life to make my medicine for me, but I would have to live with the looming threat of these remains breaking out and wreaking havoc not just upon me, but my entire family. I know for a fact that I should have died over a decade ago. The fact that I've been around to see Ayu grow up is already a great blessing from Rex Lapis. If my choice can keep Jiangli alive, then... even if I die..."

"Jialiang..." Paimon trailed off.

The man chuckled sadly. "After cheating death for so long, it seems I've grown somewhat addicted to life."

"Life is a terrible drug for those of us who often come face-to-face with death," they admitted, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Take a minute to talk with Jiangli. We'll wait."

"Thank you..." he said, kneeling down at his tired wife's side, "I'm sorry that I won't be able to repay your kindness in this life."

"Jialiang...” Paimon cried, wiping her face with her little balled up hands. “Baizhu, Changsheng, [Name], is there really nothing else any of you can do?"

"Cheating death is beyond my ability," they answered apologetically. "I know much of arts that are... beyond this world, but they are not used for preserving nor extending life. I wish I could do more, but I can’t. My apologies."

"I am sure that over the years, Jiangli will have tried all the conventional methods known to humankind. As for the less conventional methods, I have little expertise besides Changsheng's secret art..."

Aether's gaze flickered between them and Baizhu as he said that, before settling back on the Liyuean doctor. "...They're aware of it?"

"Try to avoid treating me like an outsider," they half-scolded. "Believe it or not, I was meant to be bound to Changsheng. Fate had different plans, however, so yes. I am very much aware. Even through the medium, that being Changsheng, none of Baizhu's predecessors could manage to cheat death."

"Mortals are fated to grow old and pass on when their natural lifespan runs out," the snake mused. "If it were so easy to combat the natural processes of aging and death, Jiangli would not have had to resort to unnatural methods."

Paimon sniffled. "What a crazy situation... Jiangli risked it all to save Jialiang's life, and now, Jialiang has to sacrifice himself to save Jiangli. What's the point of it all..?"

"Love, I have heard, tends to make people do insane things," they stated. "It's quite tragic, really."

The traveler nodded. "All we can do now is honor Jialiang's decision and bear witness."

"...I've seen many final farewells in my time," Baizhu commented softly, quietly, "but I can never get used to it."

"In the human realm, all things must come to an end. Is it not a fitting end to die for a worthy cause? At least... that's what generations of Masters before you always believed."

They wondered if Changsheng was somehow trying to be reassuring.

"The path they chose was indeed a heroic one," Baizhu agreed, "but when I think of those who would willingly sacrifice themselves for others... I cannot help but think that theirs are the lives least deserving of death."

The quiet whispers shared between the couple gradually died down. It was then that Jialiang stood up.

"I've said my goodbyes. My time has come. Do what you must."

"As you wish."

"We have not been in contact for years," they spoke up, stepping forward and raising their hand, "but I know you well enough to know that a man dying indirectly by your own hand will weigh on your mind. I will take care of this. Stand down, Baizhu."

The doctor seemed momentarily stunned, but he nodded nonetheless, backing off. "...Very well, [Name]."

With a chilling wind and a flick of their wrist, the god remains dissipated with a hiss.

It wasn't very long until Jialiang collapsed.

— flower of the universe !! 🌸

"Jialiang..! Jialiang!"

The man shot up with a gasp, instinctively clutching at his chest.

"Dad! Are you awake?!"

"Jiangli..? Ayu? Didn't I..." Jialiang trailed off, gaze drifting to the seals stuck on his skin. "Huh? What are these?"

Changsheng’s voice drew his attention. "How does it feel to come back to life?"

"Do you feel strange or different in any way?" Baizhu questioned, walking to his bediside. "If so, could you describe it to me in detail?"

"Dr. Baizhu! I thought I was going to..."

"Die? You did, actually," they stated, gently holding his arm, carefully inspecting the sigils as to not disrupt the delicate imitation of immortality that the doctor had created. "To think this is what Baizhu's been doing in my absence... absolutely fascinating. Sorry, Jialiang, do you mind? I'll back off if it's uncomfortable. Don’t be afraid to tell me.”

Jiangli giggled at her husband's look of sheer confusion.

"Uh... no, you're— you're okay..? Go ahead."

Baizhu's lips quirked up at the sight of their enthusiasm. He said nothing of it, though. "As things stand now, you're more akin to a zombie than a human."

"...I'm a zombie?!"

"That's right. Before we set off, I asked Qiqi to prepare and Elixir of Immortality. With its help, you have been suspended in the space between life and death. Of course, this is but a crude imitation of an adeptus art. I don't expect it to extend your life indefinitely. Whether it will keep you alive for a few days, a few months, or a few years...” Baizhu mused, “I am as interested as you to find out, but however long you have left, I believe it should be more than sufficient time for you to say your final goodbyes before departing the world in peace. ...I hope Director Hu finds this arrangement to be a satisfactory one?"

"An Elixir of Immortality? How'd you cook that up? Ugh," the girl in question groaned, "leave it to you to work on something like that behind my back..."

"It's a work in progress that hardly lives up to its name, and it would've had no effect if not for Jialiang's iron will." Baizhu shifted, crossing his arms over his chest. "In the end, I am merely a doctor. I understand very little about the great principles governing life and death, and the perpetual cycle of yin and yang. All I know is that if I am presented with a life that deserves to be saved, I will do everything within my power to save it. Even this would have counted for nothing if not for Director Hu's assistance... after all, did you not tell Jialiang to show us the way before we set off for Qingce Village?"

"Oops! Aaaand, I'm busted..."

"Without Director Hu nudging things in the right direction, we may not have found Jiangli and [Name] in time. They could only hold those remains off for so long."

"It wouldn't have meant anything if not for your friend over there," she pointed out. "They nudged me first."

"I did," they conceded, finally backing away from Jialiang after finishing their investigation of his sigils. "What of it? I was worried about Jialiang and Jiangli. I told Director Hu who I was and where I was headed after eavesdropping, and then she nudged Jialiang in that direction. It's not that serious."

"Eavesdropping is kind of serious!" Paimon exclaimed, shooting them an odd look.

"Fair point, but it's not like I was eavesdropping on someone I've never met. What could Baizhu have said to you that I wouldn't have already known? Absolutely nothing.”

"I knew there were people listening in on our conversation back then," Aether murmured. "To think it was you two..."

"No wonder he didn't mention the Elixir back then," Director Hu muttered to herself. "I thought he was being frank and transparent with me for once, but apparently not."

Jialiang cleared his throat, laughing a bit. "Director Hu told me to keep her suggestion a secret, and [Name] had told Jiangli and I a while ago to keep it a secret that they were in Liyue, but it seems nothing escapes Dr. Baizhu's attention..."

"Never underestimate a serpent's sense of smell!" Changsheng hissed, almost seeming to be proud.

"All I wanted was to help Jialiang find his missing wife as soon as possible, so that he could be on his way to the afterlife without any unfulfilled wishes making the journey more difficult than it needs to be..." Hu Tao sighed. "Leave it to Bubu Pharmacy to snatch the perfect opportunity right outta my hands at the last hurdle! Never mind, I'll just have to put it down in the books as a deferred consideration... one Qiqi was enough of a conundrum; the last thing I need's another one. If I'd known this was coming, I would have whisked him off to the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor the moment I found him."

"Y— you stay away from my dad! When I grow up, I'm gonna become a better doctor than Mom and Baizhu, and cure Dad for good!" Ayu declared, making them chuckle into their hand. They ruffled his brown hair fondly. "A— and [Name]! Better than [Name] too!"

"I don't really practice medicine anymore, honey. I definitely don't count as a doctor. You'd outdo me within a week."

Jiangli grinned at them, teasing, "I don't know, [Name]. For someone who 'doesn't practice medicine anymore,' you still act as if you do. You seem very fascinated with Baizhu's imitation of immortality on a very deep level.”

"Old habits die hard," they simply answered. "What can I say?”

"Oh? Is that so?" Hu Tao chimed, turning to Ayu. "Well, you wouldn't be the first person who's tried to put Wangsheng Funeral Parlor out of business. If you're serious about it, you'll have your work cut out for you."

Just like that, she turned on her heel and left.

"Phew... is she finally gone?" Qiqi peeked out from her hiding spot. Upon seeing them, and noting that Hu Tao was gone, she ran over to them, presenting them with a silk flower. "I meant to give it to you earlier... because it's pretty, like you... but I forgot..."

Their face turned serious as they faced the Liyuean doctor. "Baizhu."

"Hm?"

"I'm keeping her. She's mine now. This is my child now."

Both Baizhu and Jiangli chuckled at how purely enamored they were with her, kneeling down so Qiqi could tuck the flower behind their ear. They cooed over her sweetness, patting her head lovingly. Ayu almost seemed a little jealous of the attention they showered her in.

"All's well that ends well!" Paimon chimed, turning to Aether. "If you ask Paimon, we should probably go do something to celebrate this heard-earned family reunion..."

"Paimon's idea of a celebration can only mean one thing..."

"Hehe! At times like this, a grand celebratory feast is in order!"

Jialiang chuckled, "It feels like it was a whole lifetime ago when I last talked with Jiangli and Ayu around the dinner table."

"Rightfully so," they said, "you've been through a lot."

Aether nodded. "This was a hard-earned meal."

"Yaaay~! Paimon can't wait! Alright, first thing's first—off to the market for some fresh ingredients! Let's go~!"

"Wait up!" Ayu shouted, running after them. "I'll come too!"

"Baizhu, thank you so, so much for everything you've done for us..." Jiangli thanked, then turning to place a hand on their shoulder as many had done before her. "And [Name], I would not be as well as I am now if not for you. You've been standoffish for the past decade, but I know you still care. For all of us."

"Ah... I wasn't trying to come off as cold. Things just got tough for me after that incident. I never want you guys to feel like I don't care, you know..."

"Don't mention it, Jiangli," Baizhu reassured. "I was just doing my duty."

"Just your duty, huh..." she mused wistfully. "Baizhu, Changsheng, [Name], would you mind if we took this conversation outside?"

— flower of the universe !! 🌸

"Time flies. It's been so long since we've been together like this... Changsheng, you're the same as ever," Jiangli laughed. "You haven't changed one bit!"

"That's literally what I said to her, too," they exclaimed. "See, I knew I was right! Some things just don't change, hm?"

"...You two, on the other hand, have changed a lot," Changsheng replied, a thoughtful lilt to her tone. She certainly knew more than what she was letting on.

"You're right," Jiangli admitted. "My younger self would have never imagined that things would one day turn out this way."

"I doubt that any of us imagined our lives would turn out this way," they added. "I mean, really... our time in Chenyu Vale seems so far gone now, doesn’t it?”

“It really does,” the woman agreed.

The evening light bathed their face in yellow-orange light; it wasn't quite late enough yet for the light to take on a more golden hue, but it was beautiful nonetheless. Even after all the horrors they had witnessed, they still had the capacity to recognize beauty.

"Liyue's so pretty at this time, isn't it?" they wondered aloud.

"You always did think so," Baizhu replied. "That much hasn't changed."

An oddly comfortable silence settled for but a few short moments as the small group descended the last of the stairs that led to Bubu Pharmacy. Jiangli was the first to break it:

“I’ve taken a look at your Elixir of Immortality, Baizhu, as has [Name]. It isn’t altogether dissimilar from the poison I concocted in terms of the way it functions.”

“I have to say, Jiangli, it was a stroke of genius to use poison to maintain life. I hope you’re not too upset at me for… copying your methods?”

“No, not at all. With your intellect, even if you’d never seen my poison, I believe you would have eventually arrived at the same approach, but I’m still impressed by how quickly you gained such a thorough understanding of it. Jialiang’s still only been in your care for a few days. Not just that—you even managed to improve upon the original formula. That cannot be explained by intellect alone…”

“Ten mora says he tried it out on himself.”

“Ha!” Changsheng laughed. “Told you the truth would come out sooner or later.”

“Knew it,” they hummed. “Life force has never been the only thing Changsheng’s contract allows her contractees to transfer. I know simply because I used to catch our master doing things like that all the time.”

“Baizhu…” Jiangli trailed off.

“…Nothing gets past you two. Yes, Changsheng’s secret art also allows for the transfer of toxins and diseases. When I treated Jialiang for the second time, I transferred some of the poison from his body onto my own. Not only did this allow me to alleviate the burden on him, but it also gave me an opportunity to study its properties. There is no need to worry about any long-term consequences to my health, however. Now that the source has been destroyed, any remaining poison in me will have already dissipated.”

“But you took such a huge risk,” Jiangli opposed. “If we hadn’t destroyed the gods’ remains back there, then even you might have…” She then sighed. “What am I saying? I’m in no position to criticize you for this, and if [Name] knew… it’s no wonder why they were adamant on destroying the remains themselves.”

They nodded. “I had to be sure they would be gone. Believe me, whatever was there before… it is not there now and will never be there again.”

“Leave it to you to see through us all, even from such a distance,” she said with a fond, wistful smile. She turned back to Baizhu. “The reason I left our Master and went into hiding all those years ago was that he was getting old, and I didn’t want him using up any more of his own life force to treat my husband, but in the end… how were my methods any different than his? I risked one life to save another, and then you tried the poison on yourself, too… It looks like both of us have ended up going the same way as out master before us. As for [Name]… heh, they’re hardly any better.”

Baizhu seemed intrigued by her statement. “How so?”

“[Name], why don’t you tell Baizhu how you absorbed the majority of that gods’ remains to keep them from getting to me?”

“It’s different,” they insisted, gaze shifting towards the golden sky. "I mean, I did do that, yes—that’s not what I’m denying. You two do it because if there is a life in front of you deserving of being saved, you save it, and… ten years ago, I would have done it solely for the same reasons. Now, though… It’s different. That incident changed me, Jiangli. I do it because I get a rush from surviving things like that.”

“Nonetheless, your intentions towards others are still good,” Jiangli said, gently squeezing their upper arm. “Would you have done it if you didn’t care? If you weren’t scared for my life? You said it yourself. You were worried about my husband and I. You put yourself in a situation you knew would inevitably lead to you and Baizhu meeting again. You put yourself at risk, and that is what really makes me wonder: are all disciples of Chenyu Vale destined to turn out this way? To live a short life, having given away our own for the sake of others? To fight relentlessly against the natural course of life and death, whatever the cost? …Maybe our fate is sealed the moment we decide to study medicine.”

“We are doctors, Jiangli. We ought never say that anyone’s fate is sealed.”

“Baizhu, I can tell that over the years, you’ve used the contract with Changsheng to transfer many diseases and toxins onto yourself. There are so many, that some of them I don’t even recognize… can you still stop it before it’s too late?”

“Don’t fool yourself. We all know the answer to that question, Jiangli,” they interrupted, “and we all know it’s a very honest no. All disciples of Chneyu Vale believe in the same core principle. Don’t be a hypocrite.”

“Heey~!” Paimon shouted, waving the group over. “Food’s ready!”

“Mom!” Ayu exclaimed excitedly, running up to the woman. “Come and join us! Aether taught me a load of new recipes and said even Dad’ll be able to taste them! Come and try them out!”

“Yes, darling, mom’ll be there in just a minute… Hey, slow down!” she exclaimed, chasing after her child. She stopped briefly, turning back to face them and Baizhu. “Baizhu, I know I won’t be able to convince you, but… please don’t forget that, if one day, you’re not around anymore… Qiqi, Gui, and all the friends that have grown fond of you, they will all miss you dearly.”

“There’s no need to worry, Jiangli. I know what I’m doing.”

“…I can only hope so,” she sighed, “and [Name]? I believe you know where this conversation needs to go. I was honest about why I left. It’s your turn now.”

She walked off after her son.

A silence settled in her absence. This time, however, it was tense.

Then, Baizhu seemed to search his pockets for something. His face brightened slightly when he found it: a small envelope yellowed with age. He handed it over to them.

"You... never opened it?" they wondered softly, holding the letter they'd written all those years ago with such delicacy that they weren't even aware they were capable of anymore.

"I wanted to hear the explanation from you."

"This was from me," they tried to counter.

"[Name]."

"Yeah, yeah... I get it. You wanted to hear it from me directly. I know," they sighed, leaning back against the railing, fidgeting with the paper envelope help in their hands. "It really isn't a pretty story, but if anyone deserves to know... I suppose it's you. I’m surprised Changsheng didn’t tell you already, given how inclined she is to gossiping—”

“Hey!”

“—Just... please. Do me a favor and try not to look at me too differently after you hear it."

Baizhu reached out to their shoulder, giving it a tender squeeze. "I just want to know why you left so abruptly. We were so close. There is nothing you could say or do that would make me resent you."

They smiled bitterly. "We'll see about that."

— flower of the universe !! 🌸

For the first time in a very long time, they spoke to Baizhu.

Not superficially, not as distant professionals, but as friends. It was a moment of honest vulnerability that truly frightened them. They hadn't been that vulnerable since before their fall.

The silence weighed heavily on their chest as they gazed anywhere but at their former friend. Somehow, the anticipation for his response was far more suffocating than any other in the past—even the anticipation for their Master's response was never this heavy.

Then, the Liyuean doctor reached out, gingerly tugging them towards his figure. His arms settled comfortably around their waist.

The weak beating of his heart and the wheezing breaths he took prompted them to sob. The sound they let out was overwhelmingly heartbreaking; it was somehow even worse than the cry they had let out upon taking that first life all those years ago in the Abyss. All the pain they suppressed for all the years they hid from their home, their friends... it all came flooding out at once.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..."

"You went through all of that," Baizhu whispered, his voice meant only for them (and Changsheng by default…) to hear as a hand ran soothingly through their hair, "and you truly believed we would hold that against you?"

"Yes!" they wept. Archons... they hadn't felt this pathetic since their initial descent into the Abyss. "Gods, Baizhu, of course I thought you all would hold it against me! I was supposed to be Changsheng's next contractee! It was never supposed to be you! I didn't want it to be you!"

"I know."

"It's not fair! You— you're here giving away your life force, and you're going to die young, and it's going to be my fault! I should have done something differently! Maybe then we wouldn't be in this situation!"

"It's not your fault."

"It is!"

"It's not."

"You're suffering because of me!"

"[Name]."

"I only ever do bad things to you," they sobbed. "Why do you still want to forgive me? Why are you wasting your time comforting me? You should just move on. You're better off without me."

"Stay in Liyue."

"H— huh?" they sniffled. "What? No, I... No!”

“Stay, [Name]. Please.”

“No! Why do you even want me to stay here?! You should hate me! You should—”

“You’re reckless with your own life. Do you really think I don’t see it? You claim to get a rush from being alive, but… I do not believe that is the only thing you seek out by putting yourself at risk. Mentally well people don’t behave this way. Let me help you. Please."

‘No shit,’ they wanted to say, ‘I haven’t been well since that day.’

“Are you saying you don’t trust me to be on my own?”

“I am.”

Their throat closed. They squeezed their eyes shut.

He was right, much as they hated it.

“…Fucking hypocrite.”

"That may be so.” He smiled ruefully. “If that isn’t good enough of a reason, then… I’m asking you to stay because I want you to stay, [Name]. Stay with me for a little while." His eyes were filled with a gentleness that they wholeheartedly believed should not have been directed at them. "We still get along, don't we? Though you may have changed, I genuinely find it hard to believe anything about us has changed, so stay. Let's get to know each other again, hm?"

They blinked. Once, twice. Tears pricked at their eyelashes.

"...Okay."

They still failed to part from Baizhu, but he didn't seem to mind, only resuming his motions of brushing his fingers through their hair.

"Qiqi quite likes your company, too."

"Yes..." they murmured. "Um, a lot of kids seem to, you know... Ayu, my other friend's siblings... I don't really get it, but they, um, they all seem to like me."

For what was the first time in decades, they felt truly at peace. They'd often engage in meaningless conversation under the sunset's light with Baizhu in their youth, gathering herbs and the like for their shared Master. To do something so similar once again...

It soothed the beast their soul had become.

The sunset's light, however, did not dance in their eyes as it once had.

please consider reblogging, it helps me out quite a lot! taglist: @zeldadou, @ophelium-flowers, @aikitsuki.

#aphelion writes 🌸#favoniuslibrary #astronetwrk #genshin impact x reader #genshin platonic #genshin x reader #platonic genshin #platonic genshin impact #platonic genshin impact x reader #platonic genshin x reader #platonic baizhu x reader #baizhu x reader

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bunglegaydogs · 1 year ago

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Dazai's relationship with pain.

it's another Dazai rant, what the fuck did you expect

Anyways, I've always thought about this and I've been thinking about it a lot more as of recently. This one I can definitely relate to, me and pain also have a bit of a weird relationship lmao.

(Spoilers for Ch. 107, 55 Minutes, The Time I picked Up Dazai, basically just don't read if you haven't like read any of the novels or the manga or any extra content :) )

Firstly, I just wanna talk about his obvious dislike for pain (valid) and the fact that he has verbally stated on multiple occassions how much he really really does not like feeling pain, and there's such a heavy thing on how he wants a quick, easy and painless death.

It's just common knowledge that he has a strong distaste for pain, as he's announced many a time.

But what really gets me is his reactions to it.

He has none.

When Dazai is experiencing pain, he shows absolutely little to no reaction, except when it is shown for comedic relief, like during the Cannibalism Arc when they're in the back of the truck and he's like "Owowowowow don't move around so much, I'm wounded" to Atsushi and Akutaguwa. Or during season 1 when he's in the oil drum, despite him saying "I'm not at all interested in pain and suffering." "This is more a method of torture." and how much it hurts. But other times, he just has no reaction. Monotonous. Stone faced. There are certainly times when he does show how much pain he's in for very valid reason. When Fyodor gets the sniper on him, you can clearly see he's in pain. In the Azure Messenger episode whilst he's being fucking strangled against the window, we obviously see him in pain here. There are so many instances of this. But it also always just seems a bit... underexaggerated. In 55 Minutes, he gets stabbed, and whilst anyone would be like "fuck, this hurts, I've been stabbed through the chest clean through" he was smiling because he was happy, despite him not liking pain. Like??? I can't be the only one who finds it all sus can I? He literally has the most calm reactions to pain ever. In Ch. 107, he's grimacing a bit and is cracking jokes after HE JUST FELL IN A FUCKING ELEVATOR AND BROKE HIS FOOT LIKE HELLO?

The only thing I will say about this is that he looks away and clenches his jaw (I'm guessing that's what the 'clench' means, not his foot) when like assessing whether his foot is broken or not. But, not going to lie, I think that's the most emotion we've seen from him when he's in pain. In Dead Apple, he gets stabbed, and is like "haha sweet I'm dying" (common occurence fr). This is probably just a deluded and sleep-deprived rant but I can't keep this shit in any longer, it's baffling.

I also went deeper down the rabbit hole in another rant I wrote on a fucking WordPad document (that is where all of my rants start, I'm not joking) and likened Dazai to Q and their relationship with pain too. Q obviously has a very high tolerance for pain due to their ability and all, but they still have a fucking limit. They're a child. Strapping them to a tree and making it feel as if they're being sawed down about 600 times at once and stood and stepped on and chopped up is obviously not going to feel fucking great. But, they still have bizarre reactions to pain, such as (TW) having countless razorblades strapped to their arm and smiling as they lift their sleeve up to reveal it, not even batting an eye. Like, I have a really high pain tolerance, but goddamn. That shit is strange. But, they're like Dazai in that regard. During Dazai and Chuuya's first meeting, he literally beats the shit out of him.

Ah, right, okay, so I'm going to explain the three different versions of this, because there's the anime, the manga and the LN. LN of course goes into more detail, but the manga visualises it easily. The anime doesn't go too deep into it, but Chuuya is much more hostile towards Dazai in the LN/Manga.

(ngl love how Chuuya basically calls him 'cool' here, also him realising that Dazai has a personality after saying that? I can't lie, not many people would go along that line of thinking, they'd go the opposite way; I'm fucking definitely going into this in more depth in a different post but anyways)

In the LN, this is obviously their first meeting. Dazai literally fucking soars through the goddamn air, crashes through buildings and debris, rolls down a fucking hill, then gets stomped on by Chuuya. Then his deadass response, "It hurts. I don't like pain, you know." Motherfucker is stone cold. "Dazai's voice remained flat despite being attacked by the enemy and hitting the ground and buildings."

Listen, even Asagiri acknowledges it.

When Chuuya first steps on his fist, he literally is like "yeah this is fine" he literally looks at it "like it was someone else's". This motherfucker-

Also, emphasis on the "full of wounds". Chuuya is stepping on already fresh wounds and crushing them and his fucking bones beneath his foot, yet Dazai's like "mhm".

The next bit though is like finally. "Dazai sounded like he was in pain." Astute observation fr. Anyways, Chuuya fucking boots him and this is like one of the only times we see a normal reaction to pain as he "cries out". And then him "grimacing from the pain" which is once again a valid reaction. What's not valid is that despite Chuuya telling him he's prepared to kick him over and over again, and Dazai saying "yeah I don't like pain" and having a visceral reaction to being kicked like that, but still messing with him regardless knowing that it'll just end up with him in more pain. I fucking can't with this guy.

Mans got booted so hard that he fell and crashed into a fence, yet still is fucking with Chuuya and messing with him. Then, whilst he's been booted again, he STILL fucking taunts him, earning him a swift kick to the face that makes him bleed. He laughs at the pain. This is also a common reaction to pain that we see from him. Remember when Chuuya punched him in Dead Apple during the Dragon's Head Conflict and he just laughed?

Like, he's clearly in a lot of fucking pain from the last sequence of events that just occured, yet he still taunts Chuuya, and ends up getting hurt multiple times like?

Then, in the manga;

His deadpan face, not assed, no emotion.

Like, look at how violent that is. Mans literally winds his fucking leg up for that stomp, and the effect is literally "smash".

We all know how fucking violent and harsh Chuuya's kicks on. Because, despite his gravity not being able to work on Dazai, he can still build momentum to prepare for that kick against him and make is legs faster. I was reading up on how much a kick to the head would hurt/damage you the other day, and there were a lot of things saying "a kick to the torso/back/leg is scary because you need to care more about injuries than pain" and someone was saying that their friend was out of commission for fighting for a year due to a particularly fesity kick to the head that she received, and his other friend was out for six months, and that was martial arts fighting matches where they lessen their impact of their attacks so as not to severely damage their opponent. Apparently, a taekwando spinning back kick has been reported to hit at 1500lbs of force. For reference, a sledgehammer hits at just under 1000lbs of force. So, in a street fight or in a situation where the person attacking is doing so out of malicious intent, this could cause some serious fucking damage.

Yet this man bats not a single eye. He gets kicked, we clearly see him react with the "cough" and his facial reaction, but then, even whilst he's keeled over on the ground, his face returns to it's normal stoic, stoney faced reaction.

Chuuya here kicks him in the face again, and he literally just says "That hurt." with the deadest look in his eyes.

Then, when the Mafia surround him with guns and Dazai's just chilling there, motherfucker just boots him across the face again and knocks that bitch out.

He kicks him so hard that blood is fucking spilling out.

Take note of the kicks I was on about before.

THEN THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS JUST GETTING BACK UP AGAIN IN THE BACKGROUND AND HOLDING HIS FACE LIKE "Ow, that kinda hurt." LIKE NO SHIT?

Once again, absolutely fucking clocked in the torso by Chuuya's kick and is just casually explaining it.

Then, of course, in the anime;

At this point, we do see him kind of grimace before he reverts to his normal deadpan state, to be fair.

Again, stating his disapproval for pain.

Very much so a hard kick, the fucking impact just sounds scary.

You can see the damage from it, yet this motherfucker still just remains as deadpan as ever in the face of pain and adversity.

Amongst all the other differences, this is one of them. In the anime, Dazai sounds more in pain and is shown to be affected more by when Chuuya kicked him than in the manga or the LN.

In the anime, it cuts out a lot of Chuuya just beating the shit out of Dazai lmao.

Like, this entire scene just gets me like "huh?" across all the different media's. We know how strong Chuuya is now, because he's honed it in the mafia and has gotten stronger. However, we also know how strong he is here. The fact that he's the strongest in the Mafia and the most skilled martial artist just shows his sheer strength, and despite him being only fifteen here, he's still fucking powerful, with or without his ability, which we see by when each time we see him fight against Dazai and how he easily overpowers him with sheer strength alone, it's just that Dazai outsmarts him in a battle of wits.

This is most certainly not me calling Chuuya dumb or Dazai weak, it's the fucking opposite and I hate people who deny it. Chuuya is not fucking stupid, he's so smart, he's a Port Mafia executive for a reason, it's just that strength is his strong suit. Dazai is not weak, he's just not as strong as some of the most skilled martial artists in the series. Dazai is fucking strong, again, he wasn't a Port Mafia executive for nothing. He can protect himself. Anwyays, sorry, it just irks me lol.

Anyways, my point is that Chuuya is fucking powerful, in my opinion, the strongest in the series. It shouldn't really be up for debate, not only is his ability powerful, but his physical strength surpasses almost all of the characters. Physical strength alone, he could easily beat Kunikida, Hirotsu (as we've seen), and any combat based character, maybe with the exception of Fukuzawa and Odasaku, however with his ability (again, exception of Odasaku) maybe he'd stand a chance. Because Fukuzawa's ability doesn't help him in combat, it helps him to be a leader. It's just that he is exceptionally proficient in martial arts. Anyway sorry this has turned into me just swooning about how powerful Chuuya is (I still stand by the fact that he wouldn't be able to beat Odasaku, simply because he can literally see the future. However, Corruption is literally OP as fuck, so maybe Odasaku's only option would be to run. Or just wait it out. I don't know, sorry anyway-)

MY POINT IS, CHUUYA IS FUCKING STRONG.

He literally is beating the shit out of Dazai, yet the only reactions we've seen from Dazai are him grimacing, or yelling out in pain when he kicked him real hard in the torso. All other reactions are just him with a stone cold expression in his monotone ass voice.

This was a bit long winded for one scene, I'm so sorry, I just fucking love this scene sm.

Anyways, I've always found Dazai's relationship with pain exceptionally bizarre, simply because of his underwhelming reactions to it, despite him exclaiming his distate for it multiple times over the course of the series. No other character has outright gone "you know I don't like pain, right?" except him. Why? It should be a natural human reaction/instinct to not really enjoy pain, except for when you do (you know what I mean obviously I hope) and so I just get confused when he announces it, yet doesn't move an inch or show any hint or trace of emotion. Pure baffles me, and I love to look into more.

Another scene of note, is when he's captured by the Mafia. Once again, he is provoking Akutaguwa into attacking him. Why? Why the fuck? I've literally always thought this since I watched that scene for the first time; just why? Why, for a man who goes on and on about how much he hates pain, does he provoke anyone and anyone who will clearly hurt him? When he's fighting against that big dude, he once again is provoking him, despite knowing the shit he'll go through. He provokes Chuuya, Aku, Kunikida, Fyodor, like? He goes into the situation with Fyodor knowing that he'll be fucking shot. He literally (fucking redacted my god) the nurse despite having a gunshot wound? Goes into the car knowing it will crash? Saves Sigma and crashes in an elevator? Even his fucking suicide attempts like, that shit's obviously not painless despite how much he wants it to be. In the BSD Drama CD, he literally fucking hangs himself in the room? He actively seeks out pain and puts himself in these situations and has self-destructive behaviour and tendencies despite his suicide. Anyways, sorry, the scene I was on about. When he gets captured by the mafia, and is literally getting smacked the shit out of by Aku (bear in mind that we didn't see that full scene from after Aku punched him, and whoever else went there to him, or whatever else happened. What happened when Kyouka took him, when he was chained up, etc. Also, the fact that it is a place used for torture, like. Anyways) yet still provokes him. For about three or something days that motherfucker was chained up and suspended like that's gotta hurt. Yet, he still provokes absolutely everyone around him and they end up inflicting pain on him. It just like... huh?

Anyways, I have so much more to say about this, but it's quite literally 4am and it's getting lighter outside. I have so so SO much more to say on this, though.

I just say way too fucking much lmao.

This is not going to make any sense to anybody else but me and for that I am sorry, and I apologise for me not being very concise or articulate. Any questions, don't hesitate to ask me and feel free to add your own brainrot to this :)

Have a lovely day/night! Thanks for taking the timr to read this bullshit fr <333

#bsd #bungou stray dogs #osamu dazai #chuuya nakahara #oda sakunosuke #akutagawa ryunosuke #fyodor dostoevsky #dazais one kinky bastard that i cannot deny #whys he denying liking pain but then just letting every motherfucker and his dog beat the shit out of him and smiling about it #bsd brainrot #bsd analysis #analysis but not really its just a rant #rambling

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jasminelee324 · 6 months ago

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GEGE WHEN I CATCH YOU!!!!!!

jjk rant

biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-

ALERT POSSSIBLE JJK SPOILERS/SPECULATIONS AHEAD!!!!!!!!!

i am nooooot okay. Gege is an actual villain. I have been listening to nothing but deathbed by powfu, some song by Laufey with froyo edits on tiktok (song is Promise, aka "it hurts to be something, it's worse to be nothing with youuuuu), and Mr. Loverman ON REPEAT for THE WHOLLLLLLLLLE MORNING. i HAVENT EVEN HAD MY HEARTBROKEN (recently). FELL ASLEEP AT LIKe 4 am to fluff after the chp spoilers found on tumblr and even awoke to try to write some comforting fluff myself. like fr I don't even fw Gojo that heavy -nananim stans- but this stuff that mangakas are pulling is getting out of freaking hand. the day Yuuji dies I don't want anyone to talk to me bc if I'm not okay right now I have no idea what state I will be in. i have literally been snuggling with my teddies for 1/2 the morning trying not to cry. like seriously eyes were almost getting blurry as I type this and Loverman plays in the background. this is NOT okay. they are fictitious characters so why the actual fudge am I so sad.

and to make matters worse I saw a glimpse of a rumor on tumblr that satorou is dead but there going to put yuuta, who is also apparently dead, in his body to use him as a weapon to fight sukuna who has POSSESSED MEGUMI!!!!!!! And then someone had THE SHEER AUDACITY to create a post with Gojo, Yuuji, and Yuuta smiling on top, and Poor little Megumi curled up in a ball in some domain all by himself. And it read top: "and tell your 'babies' bottom: that I'm your 'baby' too" and after that I had to go to bed bc this is not alright. idk what type of pain Gege is getting off to but this has got to be sick twisted and ILLLEEEEEEEEEGAL. AND MIND YOU I'M NOT EVEN WATCHING THE ANIMEEEEEEEEEEE! Virtually everything Ik ik ik against my will thx to edits and genreal content floating around online and yes ik "the algorithm yada yada" but RIGHT NOW I DO NOT CARE bc this level of international cruelty should not exist. yes ik there are really issues going on and I cry myself to sleep about those other days of the week but rn the wave of grief I'm feeling over all of this screams to be attended to.

literally got a call today and will have to call them back bc if I picked up the phone my voice was gonna sound sore as if I were crying and how THE HEY HEY HEY am I supposed to explain to him that I've been in bed rotting for hours and watching edits of heartbroken lovers that met tragic ends, on the brink of bawling my eyes out over people THAT AREN'T REALLLLL!!! Yeah, I'm in no mood for a psychiatric visit, so yeah no<3

Gege when I Catch you. No bc AOT was one thing. That beach was sad af. but this is a whole other story. in the aot verse there were so. many. characters. There were nations at war, factions, squadrons. they were AT WAR. there were hundreds, thousands, millions, but this is just sick and twisted bc I feel like the jjk storyline is slightly less character dense and so you truly have an opportunity to find a sense of intimacy in the relationships that you have the opportunity of viewing and getting to know and EVERY TIME GEGE BEARS THE DEPTHS OF A CHARACTER'S HEART, WILL, AND SOUL TO THE AUDIENDICE THEY WIND UP DEAD !!!!!! this is no longer ok. call help. SOMEBODY PLS GET HELP. Gege has to be held accountable bc this is getting out of handddddd😭😭😭😭(yes I am aware that I am griping and moaning and that realistically speaking artist reserve every single right to do whatever the heck they want with their art and don't owe anyone ship. A girl is simply in her feelings and will continue to do so until further notice.)

#jjk #jjk nanami #jjk choso #jjk gojo #yuji itadori #megumi fushiguro #mahito #nobara kugisaki #okkotsu yuuta #gege when i catch you gege #I'm on the brink

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harudnae · 10 months ago

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Draft purge will resume soon. For now: angsty fic written between a fever and disappointing news on a very meh day 🤷

Basically: Rayleigh's internal monologue after the war in Marineford, with spoilers up to Wano, heavy feels included, hurt no comfort.

(I post this immediately after writing it because it hurt me enough that I don't want to read it again. We're all different, but a warning can't hurt. Ha. Hurt. I'm going to nest under a blanket once I'm done.)

Also posted on AO3 on 2024.01.31

Rating: General

Summary: Rayleigh, after the war.

Content warnings : angst, hurt no comfort, 3 out of 5 stages of grief (anger + bargaining + depression), Roger x Rayleigh if you squint (platonic works too, either way it's not the main focus), sad ending, I repeat: it starts bad and it ends worse

Word count: ~700

☠️ Gloom and doom

Rayleigh will never forgive Sakazuki, and vows to kill the man on the spot if he ever gets the chance. If he can't he'll die trying, and he'll make sure the bastard is permanently incapacitated.

Rayleigh will never forgive Teach, more so since he was a Whitebeard Pirate for decades. Rayleigh always had a bad feeling about him, even back when he was a rookie, but he went far beyond unforgivably despicable and dragged too many people down for him to rise with his dark schemes.

Rayleigh will never forgive Sengoku, even though he knows that the Fleet Admiral had his hands tied and the Five Elders have been ordering him around for a long time.

Rayleigh will never forgive Garp, even though he knows that he did whatever he could considering his rank and fame in the Marine.

Rayleigh will never forgive Whitebeard, to think that after all this time, the friendly rivalry, their epic battles, the feasts and drinks shared... He never told Rayleigh, or anyone else for that matter, never mentioned who he chose to replace Oden as Second Division Commander.

(Newgate entrusted Roger with his brother and took in his son in turn, he traded a brother for a son and they were family, but Roger's family was still there too–)

What was Roger thinking? He trusted Garp to a fair extent, but Rayleigh is the one with whom he raised two sons, and he could have raised another one, had Roger given him the chance.

And Rayleigh knows, has known for so long, that Roger didn't really think everything through, but this is just fucked up. Leave it to Roger to take the absolute worst decision of his life when Rayleigh isn't there to do anything about it.

Rayleigh will try, but he doesn't know if he can forgive Roger, either.

But above anyone else, Rayleigh will never forgive himself for not recognizing the rising pirate he met in Sabaody a few years ago.

His damn freckles were enough to distract him from the same eyes, same smile, same threatening Haki, even the fact that he had the same name as Roger's goddamn sword.

Ace. And his first mate, Deuce.

How could Rayleigh be so blind and absolutely out of his mind not to see how similar they were?

Ace died smiling.

So amazingly alike, until the very end...

Rayleigh buries his head between his hands and closes his eyes, heart heavy with the growing void inside it.

"The One Piece, huh... I wonder who will find it."

"My son, obviously!"

"You don't even have one!"

"I'll have one! Just you wait!"

Tears spill from Rayleigh's eyes, and heavy sobs shake his shoulders.

He was so focused on meeting the boy that Shanks entrusted the straw hat to, that he never even considered that Roger's biological son could be somewhere out there.

How stupid was he not to recognize the fire in the teenager's eyes? Devil Fruit aside, Rayleigh should have known. Should have, could have– and now it's too late.

How cursed is the Gol D. bloodline that Ace met Roger's nakama but none of them could do a thing to prevent either deaths?

How ironic that Rayleigh kept tabs on Shanks and Buggy as if they were Roger's only sons, but he never knew who Ace truly was...

How unfair is it that Ace grew up with Luffy – Garp's own grandson, of all absurd coincidences – who inherited Roger's dream and his straw hat, while Ace only had profound resentment towards the infamous reputation tainting his birth name?

How unforgiving is fate that Luffy is now the one going after the One Piece, while his sworn brother never even dreamed of going to Laugh Tale? His sworn brother, the son of the King of the Pirates, heir to the one that sent all these sailors on the Grand Line and without whom the title Luffy wants to claim wouldn't even exist!

How painful to lose a part of himself that Rayleigh didn't know existed until now...

Nothing makes any sense and everything's bitter.

Rayleigh doesn't even know what to believe in anymore.

Let's hope Shakky will let him drink her bar dry this time, too.

#i needed to evacuate some of the feels from today and it turned into this 💔#forgive me while i roll under the covers and disappear for a while #one piece #op fic #rayleigh #marineford #wano spoilers #angst #nae's writing

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theduckone · 9 months ago

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NOTE before reading, the following covers wakfu season 4 spoilers and the content of my rant.

After watching the first four episodes of wakfu season 4, I felt bad, bad, BAD, BAD, BAD.

It seems like everyone is happy to see Qilby acting like a……fool?

So far Qilby's interactions with Yugo are basically a repeat of the season 2 finale. The only difference is that he's gone from heavy wise guy to non-stop whiny little guy?

But it looks like everyone is enjoying the "brotherly bickering" and "good mother" plot. Even though one of them seems unnecessary to me, and the other would have been better off never appearing.

The worst part is that the ultimate proposition of eternal solitude is downgraded to "petty squabbling in front of a good mother."

Goddess hair is so good, they bring peace, warmth and love so why not just soak Qilby in the pile all the time and the problem of going crazy is solved!

Lonely souls laying heavy fates look like A JOKE in front of this pile of hair.

OK, you now know one of the reasons why I wish why the goddess didn't show up …….

And the title of episode 8, "Betrayal"? Combine that with the spoilers from Waven - Lokus the Guardian versus Qilby with six Eliatropes dofus?

Is Qilby's characterisation moving forward on a flat path? Becoming the son of a good mother's cunning? Become a stumbling block on the good brother's path to kingship? A smooth-talking, self-serving jerk?

Don't get back to me with "that's just the way he is".

Because of that episode 3, everyone now refers to Qilby as mummy's little boy. (I know, maybe people want to show a different side of Qilby, it's refreshing…? But the object and the timing, so bad ……)

(And for some reason Nora always reminds me of Arpagone. basically nothing special.)

I know what I'm saying isn't welcome at all, these are heavy, harsh words. But the intent was not to cause anyone any pain. I hope ankama is having fun and all is well with the company activities. But it hurts to see a favourite character turn out like this.

Of course I hope I'm wrong and good things might happen after that, but then I'm afraid to expect anything unrealistic. I'd better not think about anything.

If you don't agree with what I'm saying, you can simply dismiss these as the whining of fools and just have fun looking at them.

#i lose energy #wakfu s4

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cyphyree · 2 years ago

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Cyphy, i know there is the "vague content warnings" category but are there any content warnings that you just want to avoid altogether? There is one show I wanna recommend but it is heavy in subject and in content and it is easier to name content warnings that are not needed for it but I still think it is 10/10 watch for people who can take stuff like that on screen.

But yeah if there is some stuff that you want to NEVER see, could you list them? If you dont want in public, you can ask privately or in DMs its mostly for information on whether to recommend that show or something else.

Domi hi!! :D thanks for asking!!

I'm OK with being recommended anything really, and I don't mind going into things blind if shock value is important to the experience, as long as I know I should probably brace for "heavier themes".

That said if I could get a very general heads up on:

explicit s*x, SA and s*xualization (including unnecessary fanservice if it's prominent)

inappropriate relationships (especially involving minors or inc*st. You can just write "inappropriate relationships" and I'll get the memo)

harmful representations of mental conditions in general (don't have to specify what conditions specifically if that's a spoiler somehow, but it's so I'm aware that there is a harmful depiction)

very realistic AND graphic depictions of sadism / violent behaviors (as opposed to cartoony depictions)

visceral and detailed violence/gore

...that'd be appreciated! ^^ I also do better if the media is animated/cartoon; live-action stuff with any of the above would be a really hard sell but I'm open to knowing about it!

If it helps, for context, I enjoyed Revolutionary Girl Utena, Kill La Kill and the Castlevania anime. (I also read the Made In Abyss manga, but that series suffers from... ... really problematic depictions of young characters which offers nothing to the story and it was just very inappropriate, and it really sours an otherwise decent fantasy-horror series. I don't know if the anime filters that out though.)

TLDR, I'm personally open to be recommended anything, just let me know if there are "heavy themes" in general to mentally prepare for, and any of the bulleted content if applicable. Thanks in advance! :)

[ Watchlist recommendation template ]

(general note: this isn't a rule on how to use the template btw, just how I personally prefer to be introduced to media ^^ feel free to use the template however you want to recommend anything to anyone!)

#not art #watch this thing #ask box #jootuals #important #movie recommendation #show recommendations #content warning #trigger warning

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clxssclxwn · 5 months ago

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private CONNIE SPRINGER from attack on titan / shingeki no kyojin. canon compliant. modern preferred. headcanon heavy. multi-verse. shipping averse. not spoiler free. established july 2024. penned with love by mouse.

❖ 𝑅𝑈𝐿𝐸𝑆 ❖ 𝑉𝐸𝑅𝑆𝐸𝑆 ❖

RULES

01. This is a mutuals only, 18+ account. Still in the testing phase. Anyone over 18 is welcome to follow, but I will only be interacting with mutuals at this time. Basic RP etiquette applies.

02. Untagged spoilers will be present here. Use caution when following me if you haven't finished the series!

03. While I'm happy to write in canon verse, I tend to lean more toward modern and other AUs when it comes to Connie. This blog will be headcanon heavy as a result.

04. I like to explore all types of content, so I don't really have any limitations in that regard. You can expect the mention of alcohol/drugs here, among other things. I'll tag any particularly sensitive topics. If we're mutuals and there's something specific you want tagged, let me know and I'll do my best to accommodate.

05. Shipping is not a priority here. Sometimes chemistry between muses happens, and we love that, but generally speaking I'm not seeking it out for this guy. We're just here to have fun.

06. Activity will most likely be sporadic. Mun is 30+ and works full time. Please be patient with me when replies inevitably take a while.

07. Icons will probably be sporadic for a while as this is a new blog and I am a lazy mun. I'll probably make use of them for shorter threads, but longer threads may go without.

08. THIS IS A DRAMA FREE ZONE. Be nice to me. Be nice to my partners. Be nice to each other. I will not tolerate any kind of bullying or drama. You will be blocked.

ABOUT MUN

Call me mouse. She/her. 33. Pisces. INFP. Currently living in New England with my fiance and our pets (dog, cat, skink, bearded dragon, fish). This blog is new but I've been roleplaying on tumblr since 2011/2012. My primary muse since 2013 is Armin ( @astutior ). If you don't see me here, chances are you can find me over there. Some other fandoms I enjoy are HunterxHunter and Genshin Impact, but as of right now I only write for AoT. If you'd like to add me on discord to chat or plot, feel free to ask for my username!

Aaand that's about it! Thanks for reading all that. I look forward to writing with you ♡

#⋄ pinned.#might add to this at some point #for now just lemme know if you have questions!

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haloguyfttp · 6 months ago

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So I have some big things I wanna get off my chest. Penacony Spoilers mainly for 2.1 and 2.2 if you haven't watched/done it yet. Also this got ungodly long because thoughts kept flowing so if you bother to read this I'm sorry.

So this is gonna be a take and someone's probably gonna hate me for it but... I really don't like that in both 2.1 and 2.2, Acheron's stuff involved such heavy reference to HI3. Now I get it, it's fanservice for the HI3 fans, and fair enough it does have Honkai in the game's name. But it really soured me on some parts.

First is 2.1, her first real chunk. The entire conversation between her and Welt rests on you knowing what the hell they're referring to. As someone who did not play HI3, and does not care about HI3's story, I didn't like that scene. Like I'm watching 2 people talk about events that I just didn't see and have no context for and am supposed to care about? And as much as I would be fine with that if said context came, it never did. HSR makes no attempt to fill this gap, so if I ever want to know what the fuck they're on about I have to go watch a video or something about HI3 instead.

This is especially annoying when just before this they said on the livestream something like "There'll be references that HI3 fans will enjoy, but newer players won't have to worry" or whatever, which turned out to be a fucking lie for this version.

2.2 was much better. While 2.1 had some glimpses of Acheron that weren't related to HI3, this gave us the scenes with her and Tiernan, which was way more enjoyable. Gave me a real look into who Acheron is beyond "walking powerhouse who's a HI3 reference". EXCEPT for the ending.

The name drop holds no significance if you don't come from HI3. And when it happened all I could do was roll my eyes because yes we get it it's Raiden Mei, everyone who comes from HI3 already knew this last version, and anyone who doesn't know this will have nothing to take from this name drop into cutscene combo beyond just "well it's cool so I'll turn my brain off and enjot the lights and music". The big cutscene before we return to face Sunday again is also weird because we fall from the sky, Acheron pulls us, and we.... appear in the boss fight? This made no sense already, but finding out it's a HI3 reference just made me annoyed yet again, as it's yet another scene that holds no meaning unless you already came from HI3, in which case it still doesn't mean anything, but is a fanservicey callback to get those players excited.

Now those previous ones are subjective, and frankly I don't expect people to agree with me on disliking those. But the last thing is the one that irks me the most, and it's almost completely independent of the game: Fan response. From what I gathered, Acheron is Raiden Mei, but something(s?) happened that made things diverge massively from HI3's storyline. This is something I like about Acheron, because while she's an HI3 reference, she is also mostly her own character, meaning I don't need to go find HI3 content just to know what's happening like I'm watching the goddamn MCU.

Unfortunately, some of what I've seen just uses Acheron as a stand-in for Raiden Mei. Or more specifically, the same Raiden Mei as in HI3, even though I thought the whole point is that this is an alternate universe and alternate timeline etc, and by extension these 2 characters, while likely sharing an origin and backstory, are by this point vastly different people. Idk how else to phrase this, but it's most common in playthroughs and stuff where you know it's an HI3 fan because they won't stop talking about Raiden Mei when the story is focusing on Acheron, it feels like they often ignore Acheron's actual story and just want Raiden Mei again.

2nd last segment here, I am very worried for Luocha's story. He's clearly being set up to have more importance in future, specifically in regards to the Xianzhou and Yaoshi. And to this point I'd been fine because he's been his own character, and Welt and Himeko have been their oen people too. But Penacony, the undoubtedly biggest and best chapter Hoyo's released, has all the issues I just ranted about w/ Acheron. And Luocha is another character who bears a striking resemblance to someone from HI3, who Welt also knows and is not so subtly being hyped to meet.

Lastly, this last one's entirely me and even more so than the rest I've ranted about is definitely subjective, but I don't want Kiana to be in HSR. She's already the main character of HI3 anyway, it'd bring us back to square one with Acheron as I don't doubt for a second they'd write it so they get back together (see also BronSeele, a pairing I like now too, but which felt like it had the most forced start ever just so we could pair them up as fast as possible), continuing my fear of Acheron not being allowed to be her own character and keep her stuck in the shadow of Raiden Mei. And she'd no doubt become extremely important if she were to exist here since Hoyo does have favoritism to HI3 characters, and I was already sick of the Astral Express' lack of impact in the Luofu arc.

Well that's all this time. I will stop bitching now because no one wants to read these walls of text full of subjective views. As is customary with these things, all my thoughts and opinions are... well, exactly that, MY thoughts and opinions. I still like Penacony, I still like HSR, and I hsve no quarrel with those who like the things I didn't or vice versa. I mostly make these rants just to vent since I don't have anywhere else to let anything out. If you bothered to read this far then uhh thanks I guess, and I hope you have a great day/night.

#rode's rants #rode plays: honkai star rail

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y2kuromi · 1 year ago

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⟢ ┈ ﹒ BEFORE YOU FOLLOW:

anyone is free to read and interact with my works but if you're -13 or 23+ please do not interact with me personally

i do not indulge in drama or discourse on my blog, i’m js here to be delulu about gojo !! if you do inform me about such things i'll deal with them how i see fit which is usually privately

i do not tolerate any negativity, however constructive criticism / feedback is always appreciated, but please be nice and respectful about it ˃̵ᴗ˂̵

you're more than welcome to hit up my inbox for interactions or any questions you have abt my fics !! i loveee receiving asks ‹3 .if you want to be mutuals feel free to ask cs i'd prob be too shy to ask first!!

i’m v v easy to talk to, feel free to ramble abt your day/interests or js have casual convos especially if we're mutuals (just pls don't trauma dump) ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶

i keyboard smash/type in caps, you’ll rarely see me cursing, but i do curse occasionally, quiet mutual but i still interact. ( socially awk :c ) sometimes inactive bc of school and stress :/

feel free to assign yourself a nickname, emoji, number, or whatever you’re comfortable with if you’d like to be one of my anons

⟢ ┈ ﹒ DO NOT INTERACT:

if you fit the basic dni criteria, if you support racists or any problematic creators. you support israel. if you are a pro-shipper. if you write heavy dark content, nsfw (only) and you are a porn link poster or you abuse tags.

if you sexualise characters who are minors as in the age of under 18. or age minor characters up purely for smut i'm gonna block you. it's weird asf :c

if you write + reblog writers or fics romanticising things like incest, step-cest, r@pe, sexual assault, intense age gaps (pedophilia) or aging up minors like that just doesn’t fly with me

blank + ageless blogs, my blog is sfw and i’m a minor but still, i’m tryna curate my experience so please convince me you aren’t a bot

if you spam like, 5+ posts. i appreciate reblogs and comments sooo much!! they keep me motivated but spam liking gets me shadow banned which is totes not fun

i use the block button how i see fit. if you fit any of these i’m probably going to block you. but please don’t hate me >.<

⟢ ┈ ﹒ WRITING & REQUEST RULES:

my blog is sfw ! the closest i’ll get is mildly suggestive. my blog is not spoiler free. spoiler warnings will be in the fic notes before hand or posts with spoilers will be tagged accordingly

please remember i’m a highschool student, so my posting schedule is extremely inconsistent.

i typically write for myself. so you'll see a ton of posts for my faves but i'm open to requests! i treat requests like suggestions, so please keep them short and sweet

if you send in a request through an ask, i'll answer it privately if possible or after i've finished writing and posting it. please be patient when sending in your request. if it's not posted within a couple months (6) i probably won't write it

i do write: fluff, angst, suggestive. my writing formats come in oneshots, mini series, series, drabbles and headcanons. this blog is mostly jjk-centred. however, i do write for blue lock and other animangas as well

most works are self-indulgent: meaning, they are either female centred or gender neutral. i tend to characterise my (y/n)s however no further descriptions are added (skin tone, body type etc.) unless i say so in the tags.

i do not write: nsfw, adultxminor. inc3st, stepc3st. yandere, mafia, gore, dark content, su1c1dal themes, abuse, mental illnesses , character x character, self harm, eating/mental disorders,abuse, & other sensitive content.

pretty please give credits if you take inspo from my works!! don’t plagiarize me or post my works on any other platforms

done reading my rules? get in lover ! we're going shopping ‹3

#𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ𐀔 y2kuromi #⋆ ༉ — rules #read for a batch of cookies ‹3 #all reblog dividers by @/cafekitsune #don't use my edits 'n headers!!

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entitiy-4 · 4 days ago

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Fuck it doing this.

Warning for Mahoako manga spoilers under the cut.

Right. So. One of the first things to take into account for any Mahoako ship is what Miraculous Ladybug fans call a "Love Square". When you have characters with secret identities, the dynamics between them spill over, but there's a big difference, for example, how Sulfur might react to Utena (Magical girl fan + she's in my class) vs Basier (Pervert villain who I really wanna pummel).

Of course, I choose to throw this out. Why? Well, we currently don't have enough of Utena & Kaoruko (Sulfur's non mg-name for the uninitiated) interacting for me to get a solid read immediately. There's definitely a few bits we can pull from it, but that's mostly looking at them in the context of others & the bleedover of their relationship as Magical girl & Villain.

And they have one hell of a relationship.

Let's just say there's some tension.

But anyway. A few manga panels isn't that good at describing the nuance, which is where all the fun bits start happening.

First off, Sulfur's skill at fighting. She's a real challenge for Basier every time she gets to go all out, straight up getting her to run off in their first, dealing quite a heavy blow in their second, all culminating in the fight where Sulfur gets her La Verita, nearly killing Basier if not for a well-timed portal.

But Basier gives back just as good. In the beach fight, when she has Sulfur at her mercy, in the dungeon where she takes advantage of Sulfur's affection for Magenta, and also nearly killing Sulfur during the fight Sulfur levels up.

One thing I only really wrapped my brain around recently with Utena is she kinda has a role-reversal kink. Not in the sense that she likes being dommed, but in the sense she wants to be overcome. And Sulfur, as the brat who'll never break, matches her perfectly. During their climactic fight, if anyone besides Utena had been on the other end of that crop, Sulfur would be dead. But she pushes forward, and achieves enough power to fight and beat Basier again - a bit too harshly, but Utena seems happy enough in her full-body cast, so whatever gets you going, girl.

But that's not all. I think it was Utena being beaten by Sulfur in their first one-on-one fight that really got her into "fighting" with magical girls. Up until chapter 5, where the fight takes place, Utena's ended every chapter feeling very unsure of herself. But once Sulfur beats the shit out of her & she comes up with a Magical Girl name in response?

Utena's smiling.

As she tells Kiwi a chapter later, this awoken exactly what lay dormant in our favorite failgirl dom, the desire to see new sides of the magical girls she loves - and then twist them, make them writhe in pain and pleasure, until they can overcome it and beat her.

And though she does have moments of self doubt later, in chapter 7, her next fight with the Tres Magia, what gets her to try not to fight isn't some "I don't know about this Vatz" excuse, but because she wants to keep her Magical Girl memorabilia safe. A far cry from the girl who just a few chapter ago would hide under her bed in shame.

(I could probably also go on about how Basier's whole "running away from fights" is kinda edging Sulfur but that's a bit of a stretch)

Anyway. Purple on Yellow.

Sulfur wants to fight. Basier wants to be overcome. It's great. Peak Yuri.

Alright now I'm going to ramble a bit about Utena & Kaoruko outside of their Magical Girl personas, because You Can't Stop Me Muahahahaha!

Did you know Utena & Kaoruko have exactly one scene where they're talking to each other out of costume, & it's the one used to set up Kaoruko's rivalry with Kiwi? We KaorUtena Shippers out here are really starved for non-MG content. But we can still speculate, and if there's one thing fandom (me) is good at, it's speculating!

So. What exactly is going on with the duo?

Well, the simple thing is it's kinda an inverse of their dynamic in costume. Kaoruko is both a protective and aggressive gal, who covers for her friends & beats the shit out of her enemies. As for Utena, despite 58 chapters of character development, she's still a shy girl at heart. Kinda like Kiwi, Kaoruko seems just as likely to drag her into new situations, but is fully willing to back her up until she's ready to go. And we know Utena's a bit overwhelmed with Kiwi's relentless affection, along with Kaoruko working to express herself better & overall being slower at doing so. So there's def some fun parts there, but also Strong Girl having a secret crush on Shy Girl is just a trope I find fun so eh.

Anyway. Should probably have some closing notes, huh. Um. I like when the purple girlfailure & yellow competent gal kiss. Especially bc they would def do it in the middle of a fight - Basier to torment Sulfur, Sulfur to surprise Basier & get the upper hand. Hopefully I'll write more fic about them.

As someone who loves both Utena x Kiwi & Utena x Sayo I’m disappointed in anyone who puts their ships against each other.

On the other hand I spit in both the faces of Utena and Momo to ship my favorite Magical girl x Villain crackship, Basier x Sulfur

we shippers should remember that at the end of the day we're just playing with touys and getting silly with it

#mahoako #long post #god i love them so much #can't wait for chapters to resume so we can see more of them #also waiting on the edge of my seat for Sulfur's La Verita fight to be animated #It managed to edge it's way over the Flower Of Lust scene to be my favorite ark in Mahoako (so far) which is saying a lot.#I could go on a mini-rant about it in particular too #but eh #this one's long enough #Also the ASMR scene is so good #My brain goes “Kaoruko starts watching ASMR specifically to get over that one weakness”#it doesn't help that much #especially once Kiwi uploads the Basier ASMR tape to the Enormeeta youtube channel #But hey! At least Kaoruko can listen to Basier for as long as she wants

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dom--minnie · 4 years ago

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hellooo !! can i request number 12 + chan from the smut prompts list? thank u <3

Thank you for requesting~

Content: light inappropriate touching in public, most of this takes place in a bathroom, tastes of dom! chan, slight masturbation, making out, dry humping, cunnilingus (r. rec), orgasm denial

In your very honest defence, this dinner was incredibly boring. A bunch of old men and business jargon that made you question why Chan had invited you or even accepted the invitation at all. Realistically, you did know why though. Chan was too nice for his own good and finds it difficult to say no to a man that he had only worked with a few times. Which led to him asking you because he knew that there was nothing for him there and you just can’t say no to your absolutely adorable boyfriend.

You had pretended to pay attention for about 45 minutes before impatience could replace your boredom. Hands had drifted up thighs and Chan really didn’t stop you, not at first. A seemingly innocent hand on his leg had turned into a not at all innocent hand palming him through his dress pants. Something dirty must have flitted through his mind earlier because he was half-hard in your hand with no effort.

The moment you gripped him through his pants, Chan was batting your hand away discreetly. Your hand returns back down to his knee but pout at him when he continues to look away from you. When nothing more happens you return to the daydreams that kept you occupied before. Unfortunately, now they contain much more distracting and inappropriate content. Chan taking you home and tying your hands behind your back before using one of your toys on you. Or even Chan taking you to the bathroom not too far away and bending you over the counter to use you there.

The fantasies continue further and further down into the lewdest parts of your brain until a hand lands on your knee. You stop and look at Chan with your head tilted in a silent question. He looks back at you impassively.

“You were squirming so much, angel. Do you need something?”

Given your past action you thought Chan might have guessed the turn your thoughts took but he looks genuinely concerned for you. You look to make sure that everyone is still embroiled in their own conversations.

“The only I happen to need right now, is your dick in one of my holes, Channie.”

The typical shyness pops out and Chan’s ears rapidly turn a dark red under the dim lighting. He looks around in a similar manner to you just moments ago.

“Only like 20 more minutes. Then I can take care of you.”

You pout but Chan barely acknowledges it beside a peck on your cheek before he goes back to lifelessly participating in a nearby conversation. Well, that just won’t do anymore. With the many thoughts of Chan just taking you in the nearby bathroom it isn’t hard to make your face turn red. Leaning back you fan yourself and easily catch the attention of a man to your right.

“Are you feeling alright?” He asks.

Chan turns back around and looks at you, leaning back and flushed where you weren’t just a minute before. The devilish plan continues to form in your head and you have to hold back a smirk at how this will likely go.

“Sorry, sir. I’ll be excusing myself for a moment.”

The man seems grateful to let you go and nods without a second thought. Quickly locking the door behind you, you shed the restrictive pants that had seemed like a good idea before. Hopping up on the large counter you start lightly rubbing over the cotton. You’re soaked from the thoughts and close your eyes to imagine what Chan would do if he was in here with you. A few minutes pass by in a flash like that and the expected knock comes.

“Yes?” You call politely, as if you aren’t expecting the person who is obviously there.

“It’s your loving boyfriend!”

You hold back a giggle and hide behind the door when you open it, taking Chan’s arm and pulling him in before shutting it behind him so no one can see. When Chan regains himself and takes in your distinctly not-sick state his gaze hardens and you shiver. He takes a few steps and suddenly your back is against the cool tiled wall.

“I thought I told you to wait.” He grits out.

You look at him with the most innocent expression you can muster but he doesn’t seem convinced by it for even a second. Instead, he just raises an eyebrow, clearly expecting a response.

“I was so bored out there. Not my fault you look amazing tonight.”

One bold step forward and your bodies are finally as close as you had craved. You lay a palm flat against his solid chest and bite your lip. Ignoring any need for words Chan leans forward and catches your mouth in a harsh kiss. It’s messy, all tongue and teeth when he bites your lower lip and his tongue enters your mouth. The setting of this has all faded with your bodies tied together, his hands on your ass and your leg wrapping around his hip.

Your arousal comes back to front and centre when your groins press together and you grind down him hard, once.

Chan curses under his breath but does it again, gripping your hips to pull your body even closer. Suddenly, you’re like horny teenagers making out and grinding on each other in a bathroom. One of Chan’s hands moves under your low-cut and low-buttoned top to grab your boob. You hum into his mouth when he pinches and pulls a few times.

The public setting makes you both set a rough and rushed tempo. His hand doesn’t stay for long, instead straying to the edge of your underwear. One finger rubs your clit and then pulls down farther to your soaked hole. At the same time your hands twine into his hair and tug as you’re finally getting the bare contact you had desired for so long.

Before you can even blink Chan is dropping to his knees and you obediently step out of your underwear without even thinking. The only thing that brings you back to reality is Chan’s eager mouth on your pussy. Your hands are still fisted in his hair and you hold him close as he eats you out like the full meal he had eaten before didn’t exist.

Your previous horniness combined with Chan’s skilled mouth has you coming close to edge rather quickly. Chan looks up when your hips start moving on his face of their own accord. It’s still a bit embarrassing how needy you get but the glint in Chan’s wide eyes always tells you he enjoys it.

One of your hands has to come up and slap over your mouth when a loud moan nearly rips out of your mouth. One that you’re sure would have been heard far beyond just outside the bathroom door.

An equally loud whine follows seconds later when the buildup inside of you reaches near the peak that you’re so desperately needing to come crashing down on you. And then a new, desperate sound comes out because Chan pulls away the moment he hears you again.

He looks wrecked but that’s only because you can’t see yourself. Hair mussed and standing in odd ways from your frantic hands and lips shiny from the kisses and your wetness, and he’s also gasping from the eagerness on both ends. It makes you want to wreck him just a bit but moreso you want to know.

“Because,” he says, standing. “I’m going to fucking ruin you. But I have plans that require more than a bathroom wall to do it.”

“Why?” You gasp out.

#i go heavy on the content spoilers thing but i don't want anyone to read something they're avoiding ya know gbfjd #stray kids #bang chan #chan #skz #stray kids smut #bang chan smut #chan smut #skz smut #my writing #requests

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theteasetwrites · 3 years ago

Text

The Beginning Is the End Is the Beginning

Chapter 13: Don't Ever Be Afraid

❧ Pairing: Daryl Dixon x Reader ❧ Era: Season 2 ❧ Pronouns: she/her ❧ Warnings: swearing, blood & gore, scary situation, season 2 spoilers, character death ❧ Word Count: 3k

❧ In This Chapter: A new problem presents itself at the farm: a potentially hostile young man is taken captive. Moral dilemmas about what to do with the boy divide your group, and tragedy strikes when a close friend is attacked by a walker.

❧ A/N: Short one but a lot happens. Also, this chapter is sad so proceed with caution (I mean, if you saw the show you know what happens, but still). Of course there's also cute Daryl x Reader content so it's worth reading just for that.

“So, what you gonna do?” Lori asked as she heated an enamel coffee pot over the communal fire pit. “We’d all feel better if we knew the plan.”

“Is there a plan?” Andrea replied.

Your group was gathered around the fire discussing what was to be done about Randall, the young man Rick, Hershel, and Glenn brought back to the farm the day the barn was breached.

Hershel had gone out to town to drink his sorrows after seeing the living corpse of his former wife, and Rick and Glenn went out that evening to bring him back. Little did they know they’d end up being shot at by another group, and that they’d take back an injured member of that same group out of compassion for the young man. They figured it’d be cruel to leave him for the walkers, but you weren’t so sure.

Rick and Shane seemed to be divided again—Rick believed you should let the man recover from his injury, then drop him off far away from the farm so he could have a fighting chance on his own. On the other hand, Shane simply wanted to get rid of the problem by killing the man, lest he bring back his group to take vengeance on yours.

You were torn, seeing the pros and cons of both solutions. There was also the idea that maybe Randall could be an asset for the group. He could join in and become a valued member. It was a long shot, but you’d taken that same chance with Daryl and now he was, in your admittedly biased opinion, one of the most valuable people in your group.

Only difference was that Daryl didn’t shoot at anyone in your group, Randall did.

In any case, you had reservations about executing him. It just didn’t seem right, and even though the world had ended, you thought, there still needed to be some sort of moral code. Killing the living as a preventative measure didn’t seem to fit within your ideal moral code.

It had now been two days since Randall had been at the farm. The day after he arrived, Rick and Shane set off to release him far from the farm, but it apparently didn’t go so well as the men came back with the same young man in tow.

You weren’t entirely sure what transpired that day, but both Rick and Shane came back looking like they’d been in an MMA fight, so you assumed their feuding had come to a breaking point.

Now Randall was being kept in a shed on the property, tied up and questioned like a prisoner of war. You hated being in this position, but it’s just how things fell into place. You were still getting used to accepting that, in every situation.

“We gonna keep him here?” Glenn questioned.

“It could be dangerous having him here, we don’t know if his people are going to be looking for him,” you suggested.

“We’ll know soon enough,” Rick replied, looking over your shoulder towards Daryl who was just joining your group after interrogating Randall.

You didn’t like him being in this position, but he was assigned to “bad cop,” and if anyone could do it, it was Daryl. He could be very intimidating when he needed to be, though you much preferred his softer side.

“Your boy there’s got a gang,” he said as he approached. You couldn’t help but notice his bruised and bloodied knuckles as he held onto the strap of his crossbow. “Thirty men. They got heavy artillery and they ain’t lookin’ to make friends.”

You looked down at your feet in worry.

“They roll through here,” he continued, “our boys are dead.”

You looked back up at him and he met your gaze. “And our women, they’re gonna—they’re gonna wish they were.”

“What did you do?” Carol asked.

“Had a little chat,” Daryl replied.

Right.

“No one goes near this guy,” Rick announced. “He’s a threat, we have to eliminate the threat.”

“You’re just gonna kill him?” Dale asked.

You stepped forward. “I’m not sure that’s the right thing to do, we should think about this, maybe have a vote. We don’t have to keep him here, but we can try letting him loose again.”

“It’s settled,” Rick looked at you seriously. “We’ll do it today.”

With that, he started walking off. You were about to go after him, but Dale beat you to it.

“I’ll talk to him,” Dale rested his hand on your shoulder to reassure you.

After a while of doing chores around the camp to keep your mind off the whole dilemma, you made your way back to your tent in hopes of getting some rest—and also finding Daryl.

Daryl was still insistent on staying as far away from the rest of the group as possible. He claimed that the group was “broken” anyway, but you were pretty sure he was still feeling guilty about not being able to find Sophia. It was a huge blow to his confidence, he just wouldn’t admit it.

“Hey,” you greeted him as he sat whittling sticks into arrows. You were always impressed with his ingenuity.

You sat yourself down next to him and grabbed his hands after he set his knife down.

“What’re you doing?” he asked.

You studied his knuckles carefully. Upon closer inspection, you saw they were split open from all the punching he’d been doing.

“Daryl, these look awful!” you said. “Let me doctor them.”

You didn’t wait for him to fight you before you leaped up and fetched your first aid kit from the tent.

“Don’ need no doctoring,” you heard him huff as you searched frantically for your kit. He was always moving things around.

“Yes, you do,” you corrected him, sitting yourself down again and beginning to dab a rubbing alcohol-soaked cotton ball across his split open knuckles.

“Jesus, woman, that stings!” he hissed.

“Sorry, sweetie,” you teased. “You don’t want these to get infected though, then Rick might have to put you down, too.”

He scoffed. “Between you and Dale…”

You lifted your head from your work. “Did Dale talk to you?”

Daryl nodded as you started applying antibacterial ointment to his knuckles. “He was goin’ off about me bein’ a ‘decent man’ or somethin’, said I could convince Rick not to kill the kid tonight.”

You smiled, beginning to wrap his hands in gauze. “You should listen to your elders. Dale knows what he’s talking about. He’s smart, especially if he said that about you.” You brought Daryl’s hands to your lips and gave a kiss to each of his gauze-covered knuckles on one hand, then the other, making an exaggerated “mwah” sound for each kiss. “There, all better,” you cooed.

He looked at you bewildered. “You’re so damn weird,” he said, then returned to making arrows.

“Yeah, but you love me,” you reminded him. You took a deep breath before speaking again. “Anyway, what do you think? About the whole thing?”

“Don’ care,” he mumbled. “Sooner we get rid o’ him the better. Told y’all, his people ain’t no good. We let him loose, he could bring ‘em back here, and if he stays they might come lookin’ for him anyway. Best to just kill him and get it over with.”

You sighed. “Maybe he’s not like his people, maybe he won’t bring them here. I mean, he’s just a kid, Daryl.”

“You really wanna risk it?” he asked, turning to face you. “That kid said his men raped two girls, made their daddy watch. Kid just stood there and did nothin’. Who knows what else they done.”

“God, I don’t know,” you huffed, holding your head in your hands. “I just don’t think killing him is the right thing to do.”

“Don’ think about it so much, ain’t worth it. Once it’s done we can move on. No big deal.”

Later that day, Rick called a meeting in the house to discuss what should be done about Randall. Dale must’ve been able to convince him to at least have a vote like you suggested, but it seemed that most of your group were either in favor of executing him or didn’t have an opinion one way or the other.

You were still conflicted. You couldn’t quite stand with Dale fully because you were honestly frightened of the possibility that Randall’s group could find the farm. The only way to prevent that would be to kill him, and that idea disturbed you, but not enough to make a big argument.

Disappointed with the outcome of the meeting, Dale went off somewhere alone. You felt bad for not standing with him, so you followed him to the chicken coop.

“Hey, Dale,” you greeted him.

He was sat watching the chickens feed, his aged face in deep concentration.

He didn’t say anything, but you sat next to him anyway.

“I’m uh… I’m sorry. For not standing with you.”

Dale turned to look at you. “You don’t have to be sorry, (Y/N). I know you’re conflicted about this whole thing. I just hope whatever happens, we can still cling on to some kind of humanity.”

You nodded in agreement. “I know, I hope so too.” You let out a sigh. “I do think you’re ultimately right, Dale. That much I know.”

Dale smiled at you and took your hand in his. “I’m glad to hear you say that, I just wish you would’ve said it at that meeting.”

You laughed. “Yeah, as if my opinion really matters around here.”

Dale turned serious. “Of course it does, (Y/N). You’re an asset to this group. Hell, you’re the one who brought them to the quarry, and you brought us Daryl. Not to mention all the hard work you do. You are important.”

You blushed. “You trying to butter me up like you did Daryl earlier?”

Dale chuckled. “He told you about that?”

“Yeah, how you said he’s a decent man.” You smiled at his words. “You’re right, he’s just… he needs more confidence. He doesn’t think he’s as good as Rick, or that he could be a leader.”

“That’s one thing the two of you have in common—lack of confidence.”

You rolled your eyes. “Well, I have my moments, but a lot of the time I just… I just feel afraid. Since this whole thing started. I try to keep hoping, but it’s hard when everything is so out of your control. I end up just feeling afraid that everything is going to be taken away from me, that I can’t stop it.”

This was your first time revealing to anyone in your group, even Daryl, that you had so much fear in your heart. You were always trying to be the uplifting one, the one who made the others laugh or told them it would be okay or lent a shoulder to cry on, but really you were just as scared as everyone else.

Dale squeezed your hand in his, then clasped over it with his other hand. “Don’t you ever be afraid, (Y/N),” he said. “That fear, that’s what gets us. You can’t let it win. You will lose things, but you’ve already lost so much, we all have, and yet here you are. You’re a survivor.”

It was true, technically. You were a survivor. You didn’t feel like it, but you were. You were still not sure you were really meant to be where you were, but that’s how it worked out, so you accepted it.

“I look at you and I see the future,” he continued. “You’ve got hope, you’re in touch with humanity. Some of the others, they forget about that. They forget that we’re still the same people, just in a different world. You are the future, (Y/N), you just need the confidence to convince others that there’s still hope.”

You brought your hand that Dale wasn’t holding up to your face to wipe away your tears. It was the first time you’d cried out of something other than sadness in ages.

“Thank you, Dale,” was all you could muster.

He pulled you into his shoulder and laid a chaste kiss on your hairline. It was not unlike the kisses your father gave you.

“Well, it’s going to be dark soon. Better get on back to your tent, I’m gonna go for a little walk.”

You pulled your head from Dale’s shoulder. “You sure? I’ll walk with you if you want.”

“(Y/N), I may be old but I can walk on my own, thank you very much.”

As the sun was setting, you returned to your camp when Daryl was just about to leave.

“Where you off to?” you asked.

“Rick um, asked me to help with the execution,” he said while scratching the back of his neck. “Gonna shoot him in the barn I guess.”

You sighed. “Rick’s doing it though, right? He’s not making you shoot him?”

“Nah, just gotta hold him down.”

“God,” you said. “I wish there was another way.” You lowered your head.

Daryl came up to you slowly. He rested his hands on your arms, then used one hand to lift your chin up so you were looking at him.

“I know, (Y/N). It ain’t ideal, but if it’s what keeps ya safe then I’ll do it.”

You smiled sadly. “Just make sure it’s quick, okay? No need to torture the guy.”

Daryl nodded. “I’ll see what I can do, you jus’ go back with the others okay? Don’t want ya out here by yourself. I’ll get ya when it’s done.”

“Yes, sir,” you said. You grabbed his cheeks with both hands and pulled him in for a sweet kiss. “You be careful.”

It was completely dark out when Rick and Carl showed up at camp. It had been about twenty minutes since Rick, Shane, and Daryl took Randall to the barn. From what you gathered, Carl had walked in on them about to shoot him.

“We’re keeping him in custody, for now,” Rick announced.

You were mostly confused, but a bit relieved. You hated the idea of killing a man who could’ve been completely innocent, but you were also tired of the constant back and forth regarding what was to be done with him. A part of you just wanted the whole thing to be over and done with, but that just wasn’t how things worked anymore. It never was.

Then you heard screaming.

“T-Dog, get a shotgun, now!” you heard Rick yell.

“Oh my god,” you said. “That sounded like Dale.” You grabbed a flashlight and your knife before joining Rick and the others in running towards the screams.

“Dale!” you cried as you saw him pinned down by a walker in the field where the Greenes kept their cows.

Directly in your line of vision was Daryl running from the opposite direction. He made it to Dale the quickest and tackled the walker before plunging his knife into its forehead.

You knelt down beside Dale, absolutely horrified by what the walker had done to him. It wasn’t a simple bite; the walker had disemboweled him.

“Oh my god!” you cried.

Daryl looked down quickly before yelling for the others. “Help! Over here! Help! Run!” he yelled frantically, waving his arms at the rest of your group.

You watched in horror as Dale’s blood poured out from his ripped open torso. Daryl dropped to his knees on the other side of Dale, breathing heavily and equally as horrified. “Hang in there, buddy,” he said.

Soon the others joined you. You heard muffled voices coming from behind you, but all you could do was stare at Dale in shock as you desperately tried to think of what you could possibly do to help him. You suddenly felt Daryl’s arms wrapping around you and lifting you away so Rick could see what had happened.

“Get Hershel,” you heard Rick say. “He needs blood, we gotta operate, now!”

You couldn’t take your eyes away from Dale as he moaned in pain on the ground, his abdomen completely opened up and bleeding profusely. You hadn’t ever seen so much blood, not even when you cut your arm on that porcelain doll. Back then it seemed like so much blood, but now it was just a paper cut.

You broke out of your shock and began breathing so heavily you thought you might pass out. It didn’t matter though, nothing mattered.

“Oh God, Dale!” you cried, struggling in Daryl’s arms as you tried to break free from his hold around you. “Let me go!”

He didn’t let up, not wanting you to get in the way of Hershel as he knelt down to look at Dale’s injury.

“Can we move him?” Risk asked desperately.

“He won’t make the trip,” Hershel informed him.

“You have to do the operation here. Glenn, get back to the house!”

“Rick!” Hershel shook his head at the man, indicating that there was nothing that could be done for him.

You saw the grave look on Hershel’s face, you heard the pained moans and cries still ringing in your ears.

“No!” Rick screamed.

That was when you couldn’t hold back your sobs any longer. You fell limp in Daryl’s arms, no longer able to fight back against him. He held you up, your entire body weight sinking down.

Dale let out some more pained cries, and you just couldn’t take it anymore.

“He—he’s in pain,” you cried. “Someone needs to do something!”

When Rick slowly pointed his gun at Dale’s head, you turned in Daryl’s arms to hide your head in his shoulder, unable to watch.

You waited with bated breath to hear the gunshot that would rid Dale of his suffering, but it never came.

You didn’t even notice Daryl had moved away from you, setting you down gently on the grass.

The next moments passed so excruciatingly slowly that you swore you’d lived a lifetime before you heard Daryl quietly say, “Sorry, brother.”

And that gunshot finally rang out.

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