#i get why we dont talk about this bc it's not pleasant to think abt. but maybe we sometimes should

[1x20]

mm not to like Trauma Dump in ur askbox. as someone who hates and loves their dad in equal measure. dean is one of those characters who feels like i’m looking into a mirror. and ur post about dean and john kind of made me realize WHY. so I GET what tf ur saying about how like… dean can just, love his dad. and fucking hate him. both of those can exist in u warring and it feels ugly. cuz it’s like… yeah. u hate them. u hate him- but. there’s still that overwhelming feeling of “but that’s my dad” . and in someway you don’t want to feel that love- want to just ONLY be angry. but it’s not… possible. it’s two sides of the world’s worst coin. and the lack of acknowledgement of that is like, yeah. incredibly frustrating and really does like.. take something away from the dynamic … again like!! sorry a lil trauma dumping but also felt like stating i. agree with ur post and what you’re saying so wholeheartedly and. idk wanted u to know that

yeah i 100% understand. there's this aspect to being abused that goes undiscussed a lot i feel because it's just... kind of frustrating and ugly to talk about. people like it when there's neat character arcs and fandom is, ultimately, about wish fulfillment.

so while it does make sense to me why fanon john is kind of... made into a cartoon-y villain who cannot be empathized with, which extends to his relationship w dean, it's just. frustrating to me. and kind of does a disservice to a lot of people in a lot of ways. every can cope in their own preferred ways obviously, but human nature is complex! and sometimes not everything makes logical sense or even sense in a way that's emotionally cathartic.

[suosgirl]

Kicking my legs up like a school girl texting her crush while i read your kiryu selfship posts

Im honestly so baffled why they dont have more notes bc they are so pleasant to read nad you are so enthusiastic about them!!

Im currently reading through your blog and your characterization of Suo is so amazing like GIRL

But a person talking about their special interest?? Their cute lil blorbo and themself?? Like hit me tf uP

This is ann invitation for your selfship thoughts

Hit it like a BASEBALL do a HOMERUN WITH IT EVEN

Note: Omg why was I also kicking my legs up like a school girl while reading this? HAHA u are so incredibly sweet and ah your words mean so so much to me – ily and appreciate u so very very much ♡ (also so incredibly sorry abt how late this is ahhhh) It’s the way that I’ve been thinking about this religiously since I received it because – who am I? To deny a sweet sweet anon their request of my selfship thoughts? HAHA so, you get 2 for the price of one! Suo + Kiryu because I have many things to say!!

picrew link if you're interested!!!

────⋆⋅☆⋅⋆──────⋆⋅☆⋅⋆──────⋆⋅☆⋅⋆─────

Kiryu

♡ Our couple songs? The Way by ariana grande feat. mac miller (specifically the live from london version) & NYC by romeo + juliet

♡ Kiryu and I would absolutely positively date to marry and have kids tbh

♡ We’d be the couple that never leaves the honeymoon stage

♡ And he would take such good care of me – like this guy is so great at communicating, so empathetic, so sweet, so kind

♡ and I feel like we’d both just want the best for each other and want to become better partners to each other as a result of that

♡ Like if I notice that Kiryu’s sleeping but didn’t get his login bonuses before the day ends, I’ll go in and do it for him

♡ Or if I accidentally fall asleep with my makeup on he’ll carefully use a makeup wipe to remove it or just gently wake me up so that I can wash my face

♡ Our habits definitely rub off on each other too like – 

♡ If he’s staying up to play games while I have to wake up early for work, then his mic is off and he’s not talking (though I'm a deep sleeper so he can absolutely talk like I don't mind) or he’s moving to another room so that I can get some sleep (even though I don't mind!!!)

♡ and if I notice his water run out while in the middle of a game, I’ll refill his water bottle without even asking him and grab him some snacks too in case he’s feeling munchie

♡ and I’d never feel insecure around him, because he’d give me words of affirmation and praise like every minute of every day!

♡ but if I do fall into that headspace, he’s sitting me in his lap while he talks about everything that he loves about me!!!

♡ and it’s not just affirmations like “you’re pretty” (though I do enjoy those) – no, he’s saying things like “you have the kindest heart I’ve ever met” or “you manage to think about something that you can do for me at least once everyday and I’m always in awe of how thoughtful you are” (lmao what I would give to hear this tbfh)

♡ also, he definitely loves giving my butt love taps whenever he passes me like it becomes so secondhand nature that sometimes he accidentally does it in public and I have to shoo his hand away

♡ he also! loves! having! a baddie gf!!!!

♡ it’s so funny bc I’ve been told that I look v intimidating so I can only imagine that we give off black cat and golden retriever vibes BUT THEN you talk to us and we’re both just big ol puppies!

♡ also always has a hand on my hip UGH

♡ sometimes he’ll squeeze the soft fat there and i’ll give him the look and he’s whisking me away so we can makeout

♡ also he's definitely weak whenever I say please or give him my doe eyes like I know that man is CRUMBLING he can never say no to me

♡ ugh and since he gets all his clothes oversized, that means that I’m positively swimming in them

♡ when we start living together, he falls in love with me all over again bc I'm wearing his sweaters and they hang off my shoulders just right, and I’ve got my big glasses on with no makeup and my hair in a messy bun and he’s fucking smitten

♡ but also he gets hurt bc he’ll see how poor my work life balance is and how much I overwork myself and he’ll scold me or force me to take breaks and even though I'm irritated as shit, I still recognize that he’s coming from a place of love

♡ we go on so many dates! To the flea market! To cafes! To bakeries! To the aquarium! To get matching tattoos! To get piercings!

♡ and sometimes I'll watch him play his little games! and explain everything to me! and I listen because I care! and I love him!

♡ Definitely has a pink PC with a Polaroid photo of me in it (and let's be so real here it's either a cute wholesome candid one of me OR it’s a lingerie pic)

♡ Sometimes when we both don’t wanna do a chore (i.e. dishes, taking out the trash, little mundane boring tasks like that) we’ll do a typing contest and whoever’s faster wins

♡ Very hit and miss sometimes – if I have my long nails then he’s fucking wiping the competition with me, but if i’ve had my iced coffee then i’m leaving him in the fucking dust

♡ loves how creative I am! He supports my ideas and endeavors and lets me ramble as much as I want! And the whole time he’s just looking at me with eyes full of love and admiration

♡ also, his affirmations definitely make me cry. He knows how emotional I can get and he just softly wipes my tears away as he drowns me in his love and worship ugh we’d be so so in love it would be sickening

♡ I’ve always felt that Leo’s love with all of their heart, genuinely, and I can absolutely picture Kiryu and I just being so obsessed with each other (in a healthy way!)

────⋆⋅☆⋅⋆──────⋆⋅☆⋅⋆──────⋆⋅☆⋅⋆─────

Suo

♡ Suo and I are enemies to lovers – absofuckinglutely

♡ Our couple songs: reciprocity by susan carol (this fking song!!! and this is early in our relationship before he even asks me to be his gf!!!!) & built for love by pj morton feat. jazmine sullivan (when we actually start dating hehe)

♡ bonus songs: wetter by twista ft. erika shevon and hey daddy (daddy’s home) by usher (mwahahahaa)

♡ first and fucking foremost, this man is an Aries and I'm a Leo – but since we're both fire signs I feel like our feelings are always on the extremes 

♡ like we’re either extremely in love with each other or extremely mad at each other (though he's so good at hiding it - I, on the other hand, am not)

♡ okay so – the first time I meet Suo, I immediately have a big ass crush on him like he’s everything and more and he’s so sweet and hot and I am just a bit weak in my knees

♡ but then, I find out that he’s this sweet and nice with everyone else and I’m like??? Okay. I’m going to keep myself from liking you then because I don’t want to read too much into it.

♡ but I’m as much of a flirt as he is so we’re building up this fucking tension that everyone can see but neither of us makes a move to go further

♡ because we can’t tell if we’re serious about our flirting or not HAHA

♡ I know deep in my soul that our banter goes crazy too

♡ like we’re using such proper english just trying to get jabs at each other

♡ “Suo, that wasn’t really funny” “Maybe not to someone of your caliber.” “Oh sorry! I just don't have the humor of a Neanderthal, oops!”

♡ and I feel like he’d disagree with me on certain topics on purpose just to piss me off

♡ “sorry, I couldn’t help it – you’re so cute when you’re mad”

♡ “Suo, stop fucking talking to me.”

♡ I’m so stupidly expressive too, so I know he’s leaving little touches here and there or whispering in my ear or complimenting me out of nowhere and it’s making me so so weak

♡ but in between all of that, he’s also seeing me for who I am, my morals, my work ethic, my personality, my dorky side, and he’s falling for me so deeply but doesn’t know how to address it because oh no this isn’t a game anymore I actually really like her

♡  I fell first, he fell HARDER!!

♡ so our feelings for each other are so slowburn bc we’re both just idiots who are interested in each other but we both are so prideful (and scared of rejection) so like it just takes forever for one of us to confess

♡ I feel like it would probably be me too because I’d be so over this cat-and-mouse game – like okay I like you, do you feel the same way or are you just fucking with me

♡ but the minute that I say this? and admit it?

♡ it's like a string snaps and we are definitely definitely taking out our anger on each other in ways that I simply cannot say here

♡ but just like our signs, it's hot and passionate and fueled by such deep affection and love and loathing for each other oof

♡ when we actually start dating tho? He is a lovesick puppy for me, I make sure of it

♡ like I know he’d want to be in control and everything but I simply cannot allow that so yeah good luck with that babe

♡ because I’m arguing every chance I get 

♡ “let’s go, pretty boy. You wanna tussle?”

♡ but yes I feel like our relationship is so fiercely loyal and attracted to each other we are just so so good together and we'd actually never break up like we'd get married and have kids and grow old together and -

♡ and my parents would LOVE HIM ugh.

♡ I need him so bad you don't understand I'm frothing at the mouth punching the walls manifesting his presence so bad

[mcl38]

so like ignoring the part abt the silly reasons to hate zak bc as ive said before i find that valid and funny, imagine missing the point so bad....

'Ultimately we weren't getting the results that we needed and we're a year-and-a-half into this,' Brown told Fox Motorsport host Jess Yates at the Bathurst 1000. 'We've all tried extremely hard, we love Daniel, he's great to work with and continues to be great to work with. 'But we're in the results business and the results weren't coming and we felt we tried everything. 'We don't really know why it didn't click, it's kind of nobody's fault. We gave it our best. He gave it his best ... we just kind of ran out of things to try.' (...) 'But my job, along with Andreas (Seidl), is to make the tough decisions and because we didn't really see progress happening, it was like, 'Well I think we just need to make a change for both of our sakes and hopefully get him in the situation where he can be competitive again and in a Formula One car wherever he ends up racing', but (it's been) a huge disappointment.' 

i genuinely dont understand how this stuff is 'doing daniel dirty' and 'painting daniel as totally incompetent'?? like as a ceo obvs he doesnt have the specificity in his language that an engineer would have but this quote is pretty much what he says almost every time - we really did try our best, we know daniel tried his best, but there's something going on between daniel and the car and we know it's not productive or pleasant for either us or him to keep trying to make this happen. and he also usually adds stuff like how hes still a big fan of daniel or 'has a soft spot' for him or about how monza was obvs zak's first (and only) win at mclaren. which - how is all that not reasonable?

like genuine question - do u think if daniel was still at mclaren in 2023 would he have been so seriously considered by red bull as a possible replacement for checo (knock on wood)? and a bit more meanspirited of a question - considering the fact that in 2021 and 2022 mclaren only barely missed out on 3rd and 4th in the wcc respectively, do you think if daniel was still at mclaren in 2023 that mclaren would've reached 4th ahead of aston? i think its just so clearly for the best for both parties and i think i can afford to say that especially now w the retrospective knowledge that its not in fact daniels f1 doom and he DOES get back on the grid very soon after being dropped

anyways if any of u talk about twinks in the tags of my posts again ur getting blocked jsyk this is my last warning. #justsayfag

[corens-relisten]

MAG 65 Binary

Statement of Tessa Winters, regarding a strange computer progran she downloaded from the deep web three months ago. Statement recorded direct from subject, 7th January 2017.

I LOVE HER SO MUCH OH MY GOD peak autism istg she just keeps rambling and figuring stuff out by talking to herself shes just kinda hihi

the joke potential for nonbinary people is phenomenal btw

i really appreciate the way she talks abt multiple different versions and the chat bots and stuff (:

so the link could only work for one person huh?

ooh so gibberish and then a few words popping up. the fan starts, uh, dying? sounds like ill lungs and so Tessa turns off the computer but the words stay and continue changing

then, a video. it shows a man eating a piece of the keyboard. omnomnom. theres blood. she finally closes the laptop and drinks till she passes out and tbh real. go off girl like fuck whatever that was TT

she wakes up a bit later and the videos playing on her tv so wtf TT its so real that she was thinking about the explanation and reason and how all this could happen as the guy keeps nomnoming the keyboards :p

it's cold without blood.

the video pops up whenever she looks at a screen so she finally sits and watches it through. its awful. sergei smiles at the end. "the angles hurt when i try to think"

DUDE I LOVE THIS STATEMENT okay so ive thought of getting uploaded to a computer right and of course there are a few people that i cannot imagine losing but i just don't think its realistic and even if it was i dont think we shoulf BUT THATS FOR A DIFFERENT TIME i just love how real she is

super interesting consept too!!

spoilers ahead!

i think this ones the End right? dealing with death and all?

oh interesting the Spiral is the cannon one but its apparently up for interpretation, with the Eye being a possibility bc of tessa being forced to watch, the Extinction bc of technology and taking over humanity, and the Corruption. how do yall see it?

spoilers end!

supplemental:

OH DUDE PFF WTF THATS WHY HE POSTED ON TECH SAVY PLACES HE JUST BROKE INTO GERTRUDES LAPTOP man i love this gu

tim sounds so fucking over it

jon sounds. tired. so tired. their fight just kills me god. i wont comment too much but christ ;-;

and tim cant quit ;-; the static in the background OH MY GOD

freaking out here btw but yk its chill oki bubye

have a pleasant day (:

[akatsvmu]

ok hot take — but also because I’m genuinely curious — I’ve seen a lot of discussion about the anti - Asian racism in shadow and bone and how it was unnecessary + obvious that the writers were white, etc.

*this ended up being long so I put the rest under the cut*

before I begin I just want to say that im just putting this out here to hear what others have to say !! I’m open to whatever u have to say legit I just want to talk to others about this hahah. I don’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable, but if I do then I apologize and if you feel like it, to let me know why exactly so I can be more aware next timee

okk so, reading what everyone else had to say after finishing the season made me question myself BIG TIMEEEE because tbh ..... I didn’t really see what the problem was as I was watching the show 😭

I didnt watch any trailers or promo vids before the show bc I didnt want to expect anything. so the first time I heard about Alina being half - shu was when she said it in the show — and TBHHH I was actually so happy (since I’m South East Asian) it was a pleasant surprise, I was like “omg I can relate to uu !! <33” kind of thing ya know.

After i watched it, I read the discussions on how they handled it and everything and I was worried bc I was still having such a hard time seeing what was so wrong about it,, I genuinely felt really bad at this point bc I was thinking like ... am I racist ?? Or am I actually contributing to racism and all that ?? soo I wanted to just share some of my thoughts here and if you actually finish reading this maybe like share some of your thoughts too ??

okok so hear we go — Alina being changed into half - shu didnt bother me at all, as I said earlier it was a nice surprise since it allowed me to relate to her more, i remember i even texted my friend bc i was so happy lmaooo (plus I thought it fit well since Jessie is actually half chinese).

About how the racism was ‘unnecessary’ since it’s a fictional world and all >> I get how they technically didn’t need to add it in — BUT... I kind of liked that they did add it ?? since it showed me that, oh you know she went through all of that, was discriminated against, etc. but was still able to do all the things she did and she didn’t let any of that stop her (I've finished the trilogy so I know how her story ends, assuming they stick to the books in later seasons lmao).

I mean tbh I even felt kinda better ? Hopeful even ?? My line of thinking was like “even the sun summoner faced some racism yet she was able to push through her journey !!” and all that ++ plus how she didn’t let it affect her — she even said, “don’t change my eyes” in that one scene which made me feel really proud for some reason.

about how they only centered the racism around Alina >> like how Jesper or Inej didn't really have to face any racism ++ and how it was all anti shu ..... again that didn’t rly bother me bc like ..... she’s kind of the main character ????? Not to say that the other characters stories don’t matter (lmao im not done w crooked kingdom yet but I already prefer their duology over the trilogy 😭🤚🏼) but given the fact that this particular adaptation of the story (or even season) is about Alina and Her experiences,, it’s kind of a given that the story will literally revolve around her and the challenges she faces ?????

the books obviously talked about what inej and the others went through + but that was because they had two books and individual chapters to flesh out their characters, plus we learned about their origins through a flashback type thing, it wasn’t a linear storyline.

This season had 8 episodes, so I really didn’t expect them to focus on their backstories since it's established that they’ve been working together for a while (the three crows, not Nina and Matthias). In the show, Alina has just discovered her powers = meaning her arc has just started.

lastly, about how it was unnecessary that Zoya was racist to Alina >> This one confused me a lot im ngl, because in the first book zoya does act like a lil bitch to Alina and everyone in the little palace — Marie and Nadia constantly talked shit abt her behind her back — bro even Genya didn’t like her lol — ALSO she even admitted to this in the second or third book right ?? So considering where her arc goes — I thought that this was obvious ?? she was meant to be disliked at first bc she literally has a redemption arc (AHHH don’t get me wrong here I loved zoya in the end pls shes so snarky ahidhshshs she a lil bitch but she owns it 😌😌 as she should)

I know she wasn’t outright racist to Alina in the books — but she was mean to her — *if I’m not wrong doesn’t she also whisper to Alina in front of the king about how she was an orphan peasant?* given the changes in the show, I thought it was understandable for her to treat her that way (not that it’s ok for anyone to be treated that way but you get the point right...) also idk if this counts but she does correct that one lady saying that Inej was suli and not whatever she originally said.

okk that’s all I can think of now, if you made it this far I wanna say thank uuu so much ily 🥰 ,, I know this was long I didnt think I had this much to say.

if you want then pleaseee share some of your thoughts 🤲🏼🤲🏼 i don’t want to subconsciously be a racist apologist or anything 😭😭 so I’m open to hearing what u have to say ++ also I’m really just wondering why I saw this so differently compared to everyone else ahshsjhdhs.

edit: ive only read the trilogy and six of crows so far. i havent had the time to start crooked kingdom or nikolai's books bc school :/ soo if youre gonna comment, please dont mention anything about crooked kingdom and anything after that !! huhu shhshshsa

SECOND EDIT: someone commented on this but i posted it accidentally and deleted the old one and didnt see their comment im gonna cry aaaaaa

[haneys]

may i hsve some info on MIAMI i think thats a cool namr...

MIAMI.... she makes me sick in my stomach. out of all the "important" people I know the least about her because I actually can't really be around her. Ok tw for everything reallt bc I csnt talk safely about her. discussion of scars, delusions, self destructive behavior, drugs etc. miami is a thin, "scrawly", young woman and the best way to describe her would be a shaking, coked up chuiauaua (like the dog) that's is very visibly messed up. no matter what her clothes seem to always be ragged, torn, burned or whatever the hell, her hair is a a poorly dyed red mop that is like a mullet? maybe? but it's really unkempt and matted even so I can't really tell. she has really short nails because she bites them. miami is, as lame as it sounds, a computer expert and I really wish I coukd explain better what she does but I know nothing abt computers, neither here nor there so um. </3 she encrypts things maybe possibly. I just know she's cooped up inside a lot, for many reasons. she's kind of useless when it comes to any sort of combat like yes she can shoot and she can swing a knife but everyone can do that, if it truly came to anyhting she'd be defenseless. that doesn't stop her from trying to get herself killed constantly though. she is like, clearly struggling with. things. that i cant even name. she's really, really suicidal but at the same time she believes that the gods sent her on a divine quest and thus she cannot die, even if she wants to, and she Really want to. she often melts down and lashes out at people to try and die to prove that "she is in charge of her own fate", and whenever that happens she's like, she'd do anyhting really, she'd jump at people with knives urging then to fight, she'll try to throw herself at the wild animals, like i dont wanna explain in more detail because it's awful. obviously we do not let her die and whether that is an act of kindness or cruelty is debatable and also making me really sad to contemplate. when she calms down she like barely holds it together and sadly she copes with sh a lot too so her whole body is covered in eariius scars and bruises because again she has no respect for her own safety. she's addicted to morphine too i think, that's what I've heard. raja once asked her straight up that if she wants to die so bad why not just shoot herself in the head right here right now and miami got really angry and tried to explain how raja doesn't get it and it literally wouldn't work, that her death has to be out of her control for it to mean something and prove that the "world isn't holding her here with some force" man i dont know. it's really, really bad for me to hear things like that miami scares me and fucks with my head, even if I wanted to empathize I just can't because like I'll always be more important to myself than other people so I avoid her at all cost. seeing her meltdowns and talks about divine forces makes me also melt down and et lost in my own delusions so like a perpetum mobile of misery and metall illness. I dont know if there's more to her because yeah im not allowed to be around her. Also obviously Miami isnt her real name, that's the case for most people really. I've heard that she can be a tad sad, but pleasant company when she's doing good but mostly she's either out of it, or not sober, or suffering relapses

[misterbitches]

some thots. having a bad time so this is rougher than usual. oh well

....

i guess he really does know hiim best cos if that was my mans (man specifically cos if anyone else did that id take it more srsly) i would be like oh my god ur singing me a love song? i would love it but i woudl SCREAM in embarrassment. UNLESS it was a really deep love song that's about us dying together.

like i want to eat ur skin type of thing (drain u nirvana) lmaoa but i really like this song it reminds me of that velvet underground song (the only one i know cos of juno lmao) and nico or whatever 'i'm sticking with you)

my adhd would be out of fucking control i had to spend my time listening to this looking around i kept getting distracted by a tissue and thinking "wow this song is nice but i wish it would end bc i am getting distracted" and lo and behold i paused it and i have to pee and i know it's gonna take forever to undo this

ok about 12m later i turned it back on and they kissed and then he bit the corn then that night li chen also lost his virgin teas after watching gay porn and being like "hm interesting" and he'll be like "i see, ur dick is not medium sized"

i'm honestly gagging i cannot at this 12 year old marrying his mom

beautiful theyre beautiful

ayea you fucking psycho we do too because he was 17 and we had to witness it (or well, other people did cos i didnt watch the show even tho wayne song is [BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP BEEEEEP BEEEEP] and i want him to [BEEEEEEEP] and ppl even liked it which is fine like i get it in theory but they put this in my eyeballs so i'm gonna make fun of it bc it's fuckin DUMB lmao like i can't I CANNOT and he said "u were so persistent" BITCH UR 30??!?!???!?!?!?)capi hve it on mute and i tried to get a screencap of li chen and mu ren like together and not just his face but i cant find the timestamp and seeing their faces as they get married is literalyl traumattizing i'm like scremaing at my screen going "HE'S 5 HE'S 5 HE'S 5" and every time theyre like "we acn live forever together" like no bitch ur bones rae creaking

also is the officiator white? if anyone knows why or if that's common i'd love to know more. EDIT: HE ISN'T I JUST THOUGHT HE LOOKED LIKE MOBY FROM THAT ANGLE

anyway here

i'm almost done with this fucking bullshit and i am in a really ould mood and usu they make it a bit better but imo it's kind of....annoying i guess balancing all these story elements and introducin gother couples (even in the periphery) since the story in itself can't focus. i feel like all in all the time spent with these two is a lot more limited and we get the feel for the rship because of their chemistry as actors, irl chemistry as friends and colleagues, and hopefully being happy and working on a good set. so it isn't the strength of the writing or production.

for some reason they get like less dynamic ways of being together which i think is part of their charm, they do things their own way, but the writers really should have substantiated this more. it's really just the way everyone in the show has managed to deliver these AWFUL story lines and production decisions (like seriously who the fuck was on costume? lighting?)

like maybe hot take but all the moments that are cringe and insane in the show are not pleasant, per se, because they aren't thought out clearly. so they're not a joy to watch in the normal sense but the actors are good enough to pull it off. i didn't cringe at the talks they had because it felt like actors like acting these lines out instead of us being embarrassed for it and you CAN TELL theyre embarrassed.

this is a huge kudos to the casting director and the actors and whatever crew that actually did a good job. i don't particularly like watching bo xiang and his grandfather husband not because of the content but because i feel like, to me, they're so awkward even though they have chemistry. i don't have that issue with xing si and his rapist brother boyfriend because watching them is actually really pleasant, it's intimate. this isn't to do with the story though because when it hits you how devoid this other person is and how stupid the situation is it changes (for me, for me, for me, this is all my opinion think whateverrrr u want im not telling u 2 ok!)

so truly kudos to this cast. idk if i'm misremembering here but imo the most cast appropriate series in this was crossing the line and close to you. one is a decent atmosphere and execution (yes even with that brother story line, notice the major key differences though because that's a sincere false equivalence. they try to execute power imbalances soooo badly and then fail every time but here's one meant to shock too and it was just likelmao ok girl?)

it may not make sense to say either in a writing way or for the character to do it but i believe that whoever the characters these people are supposed to be especially those super not well written on the page still get that message aacross (yong jie's actor is a good ex. not sure if i should ccongratulate him for having the worst job on earth and the worst character and his character is flat but. ostensibly they should let their actions speak for themselevs but what they do is they back themselves into a ccorner with unsuretyabout their characters or a dilemma that pops up they just want to excuse it. well guess hwat u couldnt do enough legwork. but to some extent the disposable side couple works here on a um "our eyes see them and get it" way

also to me it seems like they chose this story just to have this specific wedding. like it's a timely topic and i'm pretty sure like another provision? (correction? idk) was made WRT taiwanese same-sex marriage so it's topical but it isn't like a "papa and daddy" situation where they're interacting in it and there (for ex: the pride parade) and there being like real life terms and consequences. here it seems like they were like ah yes wedding ah yes dumb couple from modc bc we kiled off the other one sooooo (then outsource them to life love on the line u__u) then hamfisting in some fucking message which is funny bc

- despite the hints peppered in and the clear attraction they both acknowledge ur like ~not gay just him~ even tho...i mean i just. again they dont read over what they write i don't think considering. but wahtever.

- the only gay dude (verbally said) is with his rapist brother with an awful power dynamic oh or IS a rapist (gao) (or his brother but i think it was just a "im a psycho so it's him" thing unless they said it. in which case idc cos i wasnt paying attn but that's also not great) or i guess the wedding but like....that's also a ridiculously inappropriate and dumb relationship taht it's built on. i mean i don't really see much respect her so i dont particularly want to hear abt gay weddings being important when they didn't even utilize it in the story beforehand and have we ever. this is a huge indication to me that it was a reverse engineered chosen story beforehand (if it was one) or thought of

soooooo

so reversal of that....it didnt give us enough time to breathe with these two at all but for both of the actors they can capitalize what's on the page and the writers didn't. like their dynamic is very i give/you give like taking car eof each other etc that's why

again, no artist worth their salt will ever say their work meant nothing. that's a cover up. i'm sick of lazy production and then getting away with it claiming being subversive or attacking an issue by not doing anything. we show crazy shit all the time but it has a POINT and ur point is "i like the gays" then girl.....i mean it's not great

but the acting really carried it. i have a feeling if this series continues it might continue to use more experienced actors cos maybe the budget goes up but they also have less inhibitions now when it comes to acting. i like the way li chen expresss himself and teng teng too. i like anson a lot and there's some angles that did not do any favors and i think eh has to get more control of his body movements (bc he's SO LARGE and thin) but he wasn't bad at all and there were real human tears. of course i, personally, favor charles tu. he has more control over his body because he has...less to work with and he's a bit bigger and he was really great in this role. he's a himbo a bit of a meathead but you like him. you like them. there's some things i think they had them say and do that they wouldn't let happen if they stuck to the characters and the story (mainly liking that dumb idiot rapist)

what i notice is that the reprehensible actions people criticize others for in the show and in real human life lalways gets turned around. teng teng being surprised that this boy's grandfather boyfriend met him when he was a junior in high school and he's 12 years older and him apologizing for being shocked and then whatshisface going "ur better at it than most people" and then the convo about gao with whatshisface and then rapist brother comes to pick him up. they are admonishing gao but thinking that rapist brother is noble for doin gwhat he did (and oh rapist brother shows up) like the hypocrisy and the decisions are immense. so now it's like "guys see he's a great guy" like girl STICK TO SOMETHING but whatever so i live in this universe where muren and li chen do everything right and have lots of different interesting fun seex with all their friends. i would write this but i cannot i am dying

[parkjmini]

Outlier | the end

poly!au: park jimin x reader x kim jennie while your lovers said they needed you, you wondered if they knew how much you needed them. word count: 3988 genre: angst warnings: explicit language

[an]: nothing is medically accurate lmao im so sorry i researched like 70 percent and then i implied everything else so dont trust me idk what im talking abt. but a BIG thank you to everyone who sent me so so so much support and feedback for this entire series bc i wouldn’t have had the motivation to finish. getting those messages after posting a chapter made me giddy for my own story and i know what happens. I truly love interacting with my readers and going into plot/character analysis, i just love hearing everyone’s thoughts and thinking processes bc we all interpret things differently, again, thank you everyone who enjoyed reading this story (: 

prologue . 01 . 02 . 03 . 04 . 05 . 06 . 07 . 08 . the end 

After confirmation of the surgery, it became prepping sessions. Your doctor slowly took you off the chemo and gave you medication to ease any discomfort. You were given less visiting hours because you needed to rest. 

But your troubles stirred when you were alone. The moment replayed in your mind when Jennie told you that they were broken up. There was nothing you could say, nothing for you to fix. Jennie and Jimin were respectfully dating you, aware of your decision for still wanting to be with the both of them. It didn’t feel the same though, it didn’t feel secure or safe.

There was no way you could date them separately. Jimin lacked what Jennie brought to the relationship and vise versa. It wasn’t complete without the both of them. Your nurses didn’t let you worry about that, brushing away Jimin and Jennie during your resting hours. 

Jungkook visited you once after you added him back onto your list. He also brought you a vase of your favorite flowers. There was part of you where you didn’t want to make things awkward, but the other part didn’t allow for that. Instead, you blurted out that you knew about his crush on you. Then, he left quickly after you rejected his offer to be with him.

Hoseok respected your time and didn’t visit when he wasn’t allowed to. You were aware of how he had other important events in his life, but you really wished he tried to see you more. You’d hate to admit it, but Hoseok seemed to be the only person you could turn to for any non-biased advice. Since he stopped coming around often, you had to turn to your nurses.

The two weeks were absolutely the dullest moment in your life. You thought that living in your small town with your mom was bad, this was worse. You were stuck in a huge hospital with no friends majority of your stay. Your nurses were only with you for max ten minutes before they needed to go. You had the television, sleep, and your own nervousness.

Surgery was a big decision, so big that you even called your mom about it. You didn’t have the best relationship with your mom, so calling her was a surprise to even her. She totally didn’t bother to follow up on your life, so she never called first. But, you couldn’t go into surgery with the possibility of death and not tell her about it.

She offered to fly over and you insisted that she didn’t. So when she arrived to see you, you didn’t hesitate to give her a piece of your mind.

“What are you doing here? I told you that you didn’t need to come. Where did you find which hospital I was staying at?” You groaned into your pillow.

Your mom set her things down and crossed her legs while she took a seat across from you. “I asked the school. I’m your mother, for fucks sakes.” 

“Yeah, well you didn’t think that when I was growing up, so now that I’m dying, you decide you should start caring.” You rolled your eyes at her gasp.

“How dare you say that to me? I raised you when your dad walked out on us.”

“If you think being drunk and picking me up from my after school programs means raising me, then yeah. You did great mom.” Your sarcasm came out in train wrecks when it came to your mom; she drew the worse out of you.

“(Y/N), you have cancer and you decide to let me know when you’ve already decided for surgery is not exactly the most responsible daughter thing you pride yourself to be.” She shot back.

Your nurse came in to cue that she only had 15 minutes left before she needed to leave. “It honestly didn’t cross my mind that I needed to tell you since you’ve never cared enough to call me these past years except to invite me to your stupid wedding. Might I also add that you didn’t tell me about until the day before, so that makes two of us.”

“I didn’t raise you for you to treat me like this.”

“You didn’t raise me at all, what are you saying? But how about we talk about something else, since that’s all we ever talk about. News flash, mom, I have fucking pancreatic cancer and I’m going into surgery tomorrow. I’ve been going to chemo these past three months and I have almost to no hair. My body is bruised from being poked by needles. I am dying! Thanks for even having the audacity to come see me before my maybe death tomorrow. Don’t let the door hit you in the face.” You shouted as loud as your lungs let you go.

Your door opened and you both stopped your argument to see Jennie and Jimin standing under the frame. They looked stunned and confused to see the lady who you resembled. “Did we come at a bad time?” Jimin asked.

“No, since this is your visiting time.” You crossed your arms, glaring at your mom.

“Who are you two?” She asked, rudely.

“Mom, that’s my boyfriend, Jimin and that’s my girlfriend, Jennie. Welcome to the modern society of polyamorous relationships where I love two people at once.” Jennie and Jimin have never heard such sarcasm run out of your mouth. You were always just subtle, but this side of you was new.

“Hi, it’s nice to finally meet you.” Jennie stepped forward and your mom got up.

“Well, I can see that you have a whole double life I know nothing about. I guess you don’t need me anymore. Good luck on your surgery and whatever you call a relationship.” She grabbed her things and walked past Jennie and Jimin.

“She was pleasant.” Jimin said sarcastically and you rolled over on your side.

“This is why I never brought you home with me for the holidays.”  Jennie hurried to cuddle up to your side. 

“At least we avoided an awkward argument over Christmas dinner.” She chuckled and kissed your ear.

Jimin sat on your opposite side. “Are you ready for tomorrow?” 

Sitting up in Jennie’s arms, you buried your face in your hands. “No. I’m so scared.” 

“You’re going to be fine. Jennie, Hoseok and I are going to be right outside of your door. We’re going to be with you when you’re recovering. We’re with you every step of the way, we already packed our go-bags.” Jimin tried to comfort you, but you sobbed into your hands. You couldn’t help but cry so much nowadays. Staying strong was hard when you were so vulnerable. 

“And if something happens? Will you be there with me?” It was a rhetorical question that caused them to both fall silent.

“Nothing will happen. They’re highly trained professionals and I made sure you had the best surgeon in this hospital.” Jennie bragged proudly and Jimin laughed.

“Yeah, seeing her demand it was very terrifying. But, she did it. You’re in good hands, baby.” Jimin smiled and kissed the top of your head.

“Can you two just lay with me for the last couple of minutes before my nurse comes and kicks you out?” You sniffed and moved over for Jimin to join the sandwich fest.

“(Y/N), I love you so much.” Jennie and Jimin said in unison, and the unsettling feeling set back into your system.

A group of nurses and surgeons rolled you into a double door room. It was dim, except for the big spotlight that shined above you. Squinting, you saw the surgical masks that blinked back at you.

“Ready?” Your doctor was smiling behind her mask.

“No.” Your voice trembled from your nerves; your palms slick with sweat. “I want to be okay.”

“And you will be, (Y/N). We’re going to start with the anesthetics and we’ll get everything going. Relax, I’m right here.” She held onto your shaking hand and you stared back up at the bright light.

You felt the drugs enter your system, slowly stripping away your consciousness. You’ve already cried out all night your worries and said a few important goodbyes before the day arrived. The jittery feeling caused your body to shake uncontrollably and you were so terrified. This could mean recovery or death.

And while you hoped for survival, you knew the chances were split between the two options. Death was unavoidable, but to die so early shook your bones. Your dreams have just been memories of past events in your life, reminding you of the life you lived. The life you might soon leave. It was harder to ignore death than it was to wish for recovery.

Once your eyelids fell over your eyes, you’ve never felt more alone in your entire life.

“Would you stop pacing? You’ve been walking back and forth for the past two hours.” Jennie complained.

Jimin stopped in his tracks and narrowed his eyes at her, “I’m nervous.” 

“What happened to ‘it’s going to be fine’ and ‘you don’t need to worry’?” Jennie laughed and Jimin rolled his eyes.

“I can’t help that my body reacts the way it does when I’m the slightest worried. How are you so calm about this? They’re literally cutting her open in that room.” Jimin gestured to the closed doors.

“By not thinking about it like that. I’m thinking about the lovely time I get to spend with my girlfriend when she’s done.” Jennie muttered.

Jimin walked up to her and pointed to his chest, “you mean my girlfriend?”

Hoseok pushed the two apart. “She’s both of your’s. Are you two done making a scene in a hospital?” 

Jimin went over to sit next to Hoseok’s other side, making him stuck in the middle of a not-so-friendly feud. Even though they showed up together for visits, they were incredibly hostile to one another when they were alone. 

They slept in separate beds, Jimin taking over your room and Jennie in her’s. They ate dinner with their own friends and didn’t bother to tell each other about their whereabouts. They mostly spoke to each other in scoffs or groans.

Suddenly, the hallway doors were slammed open and nurses were rushing in a big machine --- a defibrillator.

The three of them stood up, seeing how rushed and hurried the nurses looked. The surgery door opened and a surgeon walked out with sweat dripping down the side of his head. The sound of a flat line heartbeat caught the attention of Jennie.

“Her heart isn’t beating, is it?” She was afraid to hear the answer to her question, her chest rising and falling violently.

Your doctor held the door open for the other nurses and defibrillator. “Her pulse went out, but we’re doing our best. But prepare for the worse.” 

Jennie collapsed onto the floor, bawling. “Holy fuck, we’re going to lose her!” She shouted with heavy tears running down her face. It was like her words pulled Jennie’s heart down to the pit of her stomach. Her whole mind and body were shutting down at the news.

“You have to stay calm, Jen.. we’re in a hospital.” Jimin tried to get her up, but she kept slipping his grasp.

“I don’t care! That’s our girl in there and her heart isn’t beating!” She exclaimed and Hoseok helped with holding her up.

Jimin’s head was in shambles, utterly speechless at what was happening. Hoseok was numb to the news, unaware to how to react. They wanted to stay optimistic, that the defibrillator will work. It had to work. 

“Why don’t you two go outside and get some air? I’ll stay here for any further news. Please... it’s not a suggestion. Go.” Hoseok needed to clear them out before they both stressed him out more than he already was.

Jimin walked Jennie outside. The light breeze clearing their heavy, crazy minds. Jennie was choked up by her tears, constantly wiping at her wet cheeks. Jimin stared at the ground, listening to her sorrows. His heart too heavy to express.

“Aft-er -- everything.. --Jimin --- I’m.. really, truly sorry...--” Jennie had trouble speaking with the endless waterfalls from her eyes.

“--Jen..” Jimin barely got out.

“No.. listen to me first. I’ve felt really guilty about all the rumors. We should’ve never gotten together in the first place, especially with someone like me. I’m known as the campus hoe, right? I can’t hold onto a stable relationship even if I wanted to and now my --- girlfriend --- is-- she’s -- dying.” Jennie cried harder, holding her face in her hands as she slid against the wall and onto the ground.

“I didn’t do anything with Jisoo ever. I don’t know how many more times I need to tell you, but I would never hurt you or (Y/N) like that, especially coming from a place where that has happened to me multiple times. Maybe you’ve always secretly doubted our relationship, considering how we got together through an accidental one night stand.” 

“Through our three months together, I fell head over heels for you, Jimin. I’ll admit it. I liked (Y/N) first, but you had a piece of me I didn’t think I could give to anyone after Taehyung. You’re so open, so understanding, so kind. I’ve never fully gotten the chance to explain myself because you keep shutting me down and every time, I believed that my explanation doesn’t matter. I’ve been devalued my entire life by my partners and sadly, I made myself feel that way with you when you ignored my pleads. But I think now is the best opportunity to tell you because we honestly don’t have anyone else who understands us the way we do. We’re both suffering because our girlfriend is in there not breathing. Our girlfriend, Jimin. I love you and through everything, you’re the one of the only people in this world who knows my struggles.” Jennie held him by the shoulders, so he could look her in the eyes as she gripped onto the only hope left in her life.

Jimin invited her into his arms, holding her tight. He had forgotten why he was upset before. He just wanted to be with his girls. He wished, hoped, prayed that things were back to how they were before the misfortune. 

“I’m sorry for making you feel invalid. I’m sorry for hurting you the way I did.” He admitted and Jennie sobbed harder into his chest.

“It’s okay... -- we’ll --- be...”

“--- Okay?” Jimin finished off and she nodded. 

You couldn’t breathe or move. Your lungs collapsed into your chest and you struggled to supply oxygen to your body. You screamed, but no noise came out and your arms were glued to your side. It was like you were trapped in a motionless body.

Everything was turning fuzzy and a white light blurred your vision. This was it. You were dying. You weren’t sure what realization hit you. Maybe it was the lost of breath and your heart rate slowly declining. Maybe it was the blinding light that caught your attention ahead.

Your memories started flashing before you. Jennie and Jimin flooding your mind. Your eyes scanned for anyone else, but them. However, you were left with scenes of your once perfect relationship.

Your first date night. It was the day you officially joined your partners. Jennie hurried you down to meet Jimin. He was cleaned up nicely, standing all cool against his sleek car. He peered up to see Jennie with the biggest smile on her small face, hand holding yours. 

She told Jimin the news and he was overjoyed, ready to hold you in his arms. He rushed you into the car and it didn’t feel much different than it was when all three of you hung out. The only difference was that you’ve never been more intimate with your best friends. 

Your first kiss. You anxiously sat next to Jimin on the couch during a lazy movie fest you were having with them. He had his arm wrapped around you, twirling the ends of your fingers with his. Your heart beating so fast, being not use to the touching from either of them.

He picked up your chin, knowing that you were distracted. It was an instant spark once your eyes connected and soon, your lips did as well.

Your first ‘I love you’. This moment was one of your favorites. It was Jennie’s birthday and you three were excited for the day ahead. However, a huge storm was rolling in and you were almost home. Jimin insisted in stopping to buy more snacks before rushing back. 

Once you all stepped out from the convenience store, it was showering, pouring heavy amounts of rain. Jennie, you and Jimin were drenched within seconds of going outside. Your plastic bags filled up an inch with collected water. Jimin’s leather seats in his car pooled with rain. All three of you laughed with glee as you marveled the escape from the wet mess.

And you suddenly stopped to admire the way Jimin’s eyes disappeared cutely and how Jennie’s nose scrunched up, her adorable snort catching your attention. In the midst of their happiness, you blurted out, “I love you two.”

The news of your mother’s wedding. An invitation was addressed to you. It had pretty cursive handwriting and a beautiful design. It was a wedding for your mom and her boyfriend, inviting you to join them for an evening of unity. You weren’t aware of them even being engaged, let alone a marriage. 

Jennie and Jimin never mentioned your mom, knowing you didn’t like pressing on too much about her. Their initial reaction was for you to go, until you explained that you didn’t even know she was getting married. You had crumpled up the invitation and threw it away in the trash.

Jennie consoled you, reassuring you that it was perfectly fine that you don’t attend. While you sulked in the living room, they approached you with the idea of still giving your mom a gift to congratulate her. It showed that you were the bigger person and that you acknowledge her efforts. They made you a better you.

Throughout every flashback, and every memory, your heart was searching for something beyond them, an image that wasn’t them. You laid there, dying, and all you saw was your girlfriend and your boyfriend. There had to be more than that and your heart was looking, waiting, for any other memories to surface. 

But nothing. It was only them and you couldn’t help, but feel a little disappointed. For the last few years of your life, you’ve revolved your entire world around these two people. You’re alone, not because you’re not social, but because you chose to focus all of your efforts into your relationship. And as you slowly lost sense of your consciousness, you became regretful about how you lived.

You heard distant voices, “1, 2, 3!” and you slowly opened your eyes. There was a rush of air that filled your lungs. Your vision adjusted to the bright spotlight and the many surgical masks above you. 

“She’s awake! We got her pulse!” They cheered and one of the nurses pulled down his mask.

“You’re going to be okay, Ms. (Y/N). The surgery was a success.” He smiled and you nodded, reaching for his hand to hold to make sure it was your reality. 

“We’re going to move you to your recovery room now, but you did really well.” The young nurse cheered with so much excitement, there were tears in his eyes. He was a complete stranger that just saved your life, yet he was even crying for you.

“T-Than-k yo-u.” You barely made out and he patted your shoulder. You shut your eyes again and felt the bed move and the voice of Hoseok calling after you as natural light hit your eyelids.

Several hours after the surgery and going over the post-surgery care, you carefully sat up in bed. Hoseok had to leave, but the two stayed. Jennie held onto you tighly, and Jimin blinked at you with stars in his eyes. But the thought you had while you were close to death never left your mind. 

“There is something I need to talk to you about.” You began, and Jimin and Jennie shared glances. “There was a lot to think about when I went under, my heart stopped for a few minutes and I was so close to my death. All I saw were our memories. I saw you two, but... something inside of me longed for something else, something more.” 

“If it’s not the three of us, then I don’t want to be in an individual relationship with either of you. That would mean making me choose and I don’t love one more than the other. It’s either both of you or neither. I will always love you two with all that my heart has to offer, but my life is so valuable and I need someone who is going to recognize that. I realized that the best for us is that there simply is no us. I love you both so much, I really do, but right now is not the right time. I’ll never forget us. ”

“Jennie, you were the first girl I love. Jimin, you were the first boy I love. But throughout it all, I won’t try to remember us. Maybe we’ll realize each other’s worth once we’re ready for it and we’ll be new people when we meet again.”

Jennie didn’t let go of your hand, instead, she nodded to every single word that you poured from your heart. “If that’s what you think is the best option for us, then I’ll accept your decision.” She agreed and no longer shed any more tears. She knew it was for the better, even if it did break her heart.

With a turn of events, Jimin was actually the one crying this time. Jimin’s tears spilled down his plump, supple cheeks. It was difficult for him to talk.. it was difficult for him to express how he felt in general. “I felt so regretful because I thought I was going to lose you forever when I was ready to trade my life for your’s. I’m just happy you’re alive and breathing. I respect your decision and I think that you’ll always know what’s best for us three.” 

Your heart was healing, bit by bit. The shock of almost death woke you up and you no longer wanted to be trapped in something that didn’t seem to work out well anymore. It was time for an end. It was time for change and you were more than thankful to have Jennie and Jimin, who loved you so much, they were willing to let you go and live life with no more regrets. 

Jennie smiled before gently kissing your hand, “I’m unsure how long me and Jimin would’ve lasted without you, but we were two people who fell out of love for each other, but back in love through you. I want you to know that even though you felt like you didn’t belong in our relationship, you were actually the connection between us. You were the reason there was an us.”

It was an epiphany ---- you were not the outlier in the relationship. You were the core center. Jennie and Jimin were more than thankful to have you in their lives, who loved them so much, that you were willing to look past their differences and to fight through every trial. 

“You were the reason there was an us.” That single line replayed in your thoughts, in a constant loop. And you smiled at Jimin and Jennie, the monitor beeping being the only noise in the room.

“I love you both, don’t you ever forget that.” 

[miriolemillion]

Thoughts on chapter 152

Phewie! This chapter was probably very emotional to all of us, especially us Mirio and Big Three fans! I’ve just finished reading the new chapter and I myself, am all jittery and just sjdsdjksdk WOW this chapter is A LOT to digest. Feelings? What ARE THOSE. MIRIO. Mirio. A mirio chapter. The third one in a row which makes me go WOW but also kinda anxiously screaming and just. THIS MIGHT BE TOO PLOT INVOLVING TO MY TASTE but also I rly want that to happen and I’m thirsty for Mirio content so GIMME.

First of all I want to say that this chapter didn’t get to me to the fullest until I got to the flashback scenes, but I wanna try and calm myself and stay consistent with my commentary and hold my horses ahah. Before the chapter, there were three things I had in mind:

1st) something WILL happen to Mirio. (even if all the deathflags in his tag made me go eh, I still believed sth will happen.) And if it’s not death, it’s probably gonna be that he will lose his quirk, due to the last scene in ch 151 with the bullets.

2) It (the sth that happens) will be plotrelevant. We saw it coming. There was so much going up to that arc, and so much was relevant to Mirio, to introducing him, making him sb that Midoriya looks up to, sb who COULD have been like all might, kinda was, could have been what midoriya probably will be, sb who had a hard time but tries even harder. This all made it clear that the arc will have sth abt Mirio which will get the story going and have a greater impact on the storyline.

3) whatever WILL happen, I probably won’t like it due to my habit of picking favourites and not getting genuinely warm with the main-main cast (I’m so sorry, the third years caught my heart, even more than once...)

TL:DR - I analyze what Horikoshi is probably trying to do with Mirio’s character and why the stuff is happening that happened, while being extremely disappointed on how it was carried out. Also I don’t want Mirio to lose his quirk bc I think it’s so... unnecessary. Cheers.

(disclaimer: I’m trying to be critical while still enjoying Horikoshi’s work! Also I love Midoriya just a -- eh-- heads up...)

ALSO I WROTE THIS AT THE END OF THE DAY COMPLETELY EXHAUSTED PLS DONT MIND GRAMMAR OR ORTHOGRAPHIC MISTAKES THANKS

There was the whole debate going on, will Mirio die, will he live but “lose” something veery important to him, will he be able to save Eri but get harmed severely... So when I first saw the first few panels my first thought was “oh god he will def get shot and probably lose his quirk”. And that’s probably what would be the “big plottwist” that gets the story going and I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO FEEL ABOUT THIS.

For one thing, I would absolutely love to get more “angst” for Mirio going, I love when my favourite boys experience some sort of pain and grow from it, but on the other hand he already had to go through so much to get where he was and become this strong so it feels a little unnecessary to make him lose his quirk completely. We already have All Might for that kind of storyline and there are plenty of other characters whose quirks could probably called “useless” but they prove that wrong. Not to forget that the whole point of boku no hero is that someone who is /quirkless/ can actually find a way to get one and become a hero this way... so yeah... this is why I conclude: A Midoriya/Mirio thing.

The whole point of Mirio “Lemillion” Togata existing in bnha is most likely to make Midoriya stand out as the pro hero to be as Mirio himself loses his quirk and experiences pain that way and I don’t like it one. damn. bit. People would probably disagree and I want to disagree myself but when I think back to earlier chapters when Mirio was just introduced, suddenly there is this whole new stuff about All Might and how Mirio was actually supposed to be his successor and there was a lot of drama (Midoriya even cried bc it was too much stress with all the stuff going on and the internship and then he wasn’t even meant to be the one? Well congrats Midoriya now Mirio doesn’t have one anyway...). It definitely was on Midoriya’s mind a lot and it was clear that there was supposed to be some kind of mentorship between the senpai and kouhai, both kind of successors of All Might.

We already had All Might losing his quirk dramatically, what even is the point?

The point is that Mirio is probably here to show that one can be a hero despite not having a quirk. And I would laugh my salty laugh if he manages what Midoriya couldn’t: become a hero without your favourite hero maigcally appearning from the sky and handing you his dna to become the protagonist of a super hero story. (oh wow my salt level is rising with writing this oops...)

Don’t get me wrong I love Midoriya with all my heart, I love his relationship with Mirio and that he finally has somebody to ask questions and hang out with a third year senpai. In fact I think it’s lovely. I’m just questioning whether it was really necessary to put Mirio in this position for dramatic effect. And what will Mirio do about it?

We don’t know the extent of Eri’s powers nor do we know if her qirk even fully manifested. She’s still a child, her quirk could be weak, her quirk could be something entirely different, or later in life she could even be able to grant quirks or give them back, however you want to see it. I would definitely love to see that, give Mirio his angsty arc where he overcomes his frustration and sadness and then Eri appears and helps him recover. If anyone would deserve it than Mirio.

Even more so after reading this chapter, and noticing all these panels of the flashback scenes (and GOD am I weak for childhood flasbacks aaaa MIRIO’S FATHER DJSDKJSD and the miritama childhood panel absolutely KILLED ME), it opened my eyes just how bad Mirio thinks of himself. How low of an opinion he has on himself. It was shocking because you get introduced to Tamaki and think “yeah, he feels so bad about himself, good that there is his buddy mirio to cheer him up”... JUST THAT IT’S ACTUALLY THE OTHER WAY ROUND. Tamaki might have felt inspired from Mirio to strive even harder bc of his hard-working attitude but boy does Mirio need all the cheering up from his friend.

I mean just LOOK AT THEM SOBS. This was actually my favourite part of the new chapter, that we get to see more of the Big Three’s origins and how they came to be friends. I always thought that Mirio and Tamaki were practically always a duo from point one since they started at UA and gradually Nejire appeared in their lives, but no, it’s actually Tamaki that stood out more in the beginning and so did Nejire.

It was actually so heart-warming for me to see Nejire talk to Tamaki first and be interested in his quirk. Mirio looks so adorable as he stands in the back, not rly sure what to do with himself, even if it’s also a little sad bc that was before they were the big three so he must have dealt with his own amount of self-doubts. Poor boy, but he’s not giving up!!

This is something very positive I find about bnha manga, the energy spent on showing characters back stories and interpersonal growth, even for villains and side characters. You don’t find that in every shonen manga and it’s a pleasant surprise (I’m talking abt beyond main cast-flashbacks here!).

And when Sir compliments him and tries to encourage him, he looked so happy and excited I honestly nearly cried.

So yeah, in my mind it’s still unlikely that Mirio will lose his quirk forever and never be abe to use it his whole life, but there is definitely something that happened to him that can’t return to the way it was before. The scene with Tamaki waking from his unconsciousness to worry about Mirio is kind of a proof to that. He worries about his friend, his gut feeling tells him that sth happened. And Miro himself was thinking about Tamaki and other people that are important to him.

About the last two panels, I honestly to god am very disappinted that for once, Mirio doesn’t get to end his angst chapter himself, but no Midoriya had to steal that spotlight from him. Because the oh so mighty protagonist appears, and saves his poor quirkless senpai from the hands of the villain and/or death. Like really. We really didn’t need that. What we wanted, at least after all that, was a Mirio that stood to the end, presevered, standing and not losing his hope, grasping Eri into his arms and carrying her to safetly (preferrably outside where he could be tended to too bc damn did you see those wounds...)

Alright those were my two hundred) coins, I am a salty Mirio fan who is curious about what turn his storyline will take.

[kiml7p]

11 questions tag for me by @1aju!!!! :D

1) what’s an album that will always be in your top 5 and why? akmu’s play!!! it’s a really well done album with a lot of calming songs, and its so pleasant and pretty to listen to, esp when im feeling down  2) what’s an underrated thing your ult bias has done (a song, Look™, etc) bandana minghao!!!!! and the sleeveless shirt sdbhkvef everytime i die!!!! 3) which idol do you think has the most interesting music library? (either from your curiosity or just because): jihoon probably??? 4) what’s your ideal clothing item that you don’t own, but you really wish to?: doc marten oxfords :((( they’re wayyy too expensive 5) take this as an opportunity 2 give love to one of ur favorite mutuals n talk about what u admire abt them ! i’m actually going to send this one to @minghaeo!!! 

hey matthew!! i know it’s been awhile since we last talked, but i really miss you! how have u been??? in any case, i admire your dedication, your strong work ethic, and yes, your sass. :’) through our conversations, we’ve shared and exchanged thoughts and ideas, and honestly??? youve helped me through some times where i felt alone, so thank you for that!!! you’re caring and kind, and i never want to msg u bc i hate thinking that i disturb u when you’re doing your work :’))) im so happy that we’ve been friends for the longest time, and that we’ll meet someday!!!! especially now that we’re in the same continent hahaha!!!! 

6) whats your favorite skincare product and why? i'm really more of a haircare person (only bc im trying to get it to grow longer than its stubborn shoulder length lmao) but a great product i use is rose oil!!! not only do i use it in my hair (with castor oil!!!), but i also mix it with water and use it as a super easy toner, and it smells super good!!! 7) what made you love your ultimate bias? i looked at too many pictures of him one time and then stumbled on a gifset of this and when he burst from the curtains i knew i was gone tbh 8) what’s a song that you love and you think needs to be heard more? ROLLING BY BRAVE GIRLS 9) what songs / artists to you listen to most when you’re upset? these! songs! are! from! my! personal! calm! playlist! so! here! you! go! (1st half are rnb/indie the next half are khh) 10) describe ur aesthetic !! b as detailed as u’d like light!!! when ppl see my blog, i want them to feel comfort- and for me, comfort usually comes in the things we see in the light! whether it be drinks, the ppl we admire, animals- it’s all enhanced when you put it in the light 11) talk abt ur favorite girl group n why u love them wjsn! i admire their tenacity and their strength as a group (this post explains it really well!!!) plus their songs and energy are addicting!!!! i find myself smiling every time i hear one of their songs..... such an amazing group and i love them so much.....

11 questions for! @adoreumv, @xu-haohao, @mollywecsley, @kwoshi, @172kg, @mansaees, and anyone else how wants to do it!!! (u dont have to, ofc :D)

do you have any stuffed animals in your room?? describe them!

read abt your chinese zodiac (bonus if u include your element), and tell me what you think! is it more accurate than your monthly zodiac, or do you prefer the other one?

who’s your favorite solo artist?

what’s your favorite music video?

do you prefer your bias w/ light hair or dark hair?

describe your favorite scent!

do own any merch?

if so, what do you own?

if you were a character in your favorite movie genre, who would you be and why?

describe a dream you remember

tell me your favorite thing abt yourself!!! rant! rave! do it!!!

[protectmarkjin]

The Markjin Bedroom Conspiracy™

i havent reached in so long lets have some fun bc this is my Reachiest Reach of all time in the history of markjin so... enjoy lmao (this is for sana nd camille my markjination gc i luv yall)

it all began.... on the fateful day.... of the 16th of January 2016... when jinyoung told a story.... that would change my life forever......

now, obviously, i lost my goddamn shit when i heard this for the first time like it still to this day is quite possibly the cutest thing ive ever heard in my entire life?? like its up there w all the other cute shit markjin have done but little did i know.... it would lead to my biggest conspiracy of all time

before moving on like... ok lets break this down. why did mark go to jinyoung’s bed?? why, of all places, did he choose jinyoung’s room?? he couldve gone anywhere, including literally his own room lmao, but he chose to sleep in jinyoung’s room. and this is not a coincidence bc its the exact day jinyoung is away. so was it a comfort thing?? like it was nice to b in jinyoung’s space whilst he wasnt there im yelling ok also! at this point, it had been established that jinyoung didn’t rlly like having coco in his room, he would go out nd play w her dont get me wrong, but his room was kind of off limits. mark knew this?? nd yet he still went in nd slept in jinyoungs room WITH COCO. he wouldn’t do that if he knew it bothered jinyoung so, secretly.... does it not bother jinyoung?? does he actually not mind and is just being dramatic w this story to make us laugh?? is he.... wait for it folks.... used to it?? is this a regular thing?

even tho this was all kinds of shady and suspicious, i didnt rlly think much of it (i kno, me, the Mother of Markjin Tinhatting, not make a big deal of this? unfathomable) but then....... the moment that shook us all happened.....

NOW U MAY BE WONDERING “abbie?? how does this relate to the bedroom conspiracy?? this was on set??” AND U HAVE A POINT BUT!!! THIS IS MARKJIN REACHING HOURS SO STAY WITH ME HERE OK so does this pic look... comfortable to u?? easy?? cozy?? pleasant?? and other synonyms?? maybe that’s bc...... THIS IS A REGULAR THING THAT THEY DO AND ARE USED TO

ok but still..... this was not enough to get me fully tinhatting... but then... a few months later, mark was on running man nd for a long time we thought just by himself. nd the episode aired nd mark talked about how it was chuseok and the boys had gone home to see their families but he couldnt so he was stuck in the dorm by himself. BUT THEN!! who walks in??

WHY WAS JINYOUNG THERE WHY HADNT HE GONE HOME LIKE ALL THE OTHER GUYS WHY DID MARK SAY HE WAS BY HIMSELF ND THEN LIKE 5 FUCKING MINUTES LATER JINYOUNG WALKED IN NONE OF THIS ADDS UP

but that doesnt really imply theyre sharing a bedroom, per say, just that they were at the dorm together over chuseok when the rest of the boys werent... but we were made to think mark was at the dorm by himself?? it was strange and dorm related so im adding it but it STILL wasnt enough for me to get my full tinhat out

then the boys did an interview where they were asked who they would room with out of all the boys. jinyoung, who was the only one at the time who had a room to himself, easily couldve just stayed by himself. but.... he said mark.

AND AGAIN i didnt think much of it like its cute that they want to room together nd mark reacted so happily when jinyoung said that but alas, the dorm they were living in at the time made that dream impossible.

BUT THEN.... we got the news that got7 had moved dorms.

so...... the point that was made, over and over, was that all the boys had their own rooms apart from yugbam who wanted to continue rooming together. like this was ingrained in us. almost.... too much perhaps?? nd little things were being dropped that made me side eye a lil like mark always going to turn jinyoung’s light out when it was getting late even tho their bedrooms arent near each other nd mark going to jinyoung in the middle of night when he cant sleep bc of his booster nd a fan asked jinyoung if he would room with mark nd he said yes nd the same fan asked mark the same question nd mark said “i like him” in 3 different languages like... cmon. i was beginning to get my suspicions but i didnt have much to go on...

But Then.........both mark and jinyoung majorly fucked up lmao

THE MARK DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH ME THINKS!!!!!! like rlly he got so defensive so quickly over such a seemingly insignificant thing like we couldve easily interpreted it as mayb jinyoung just peeked in to wake him up or idk some other bullshit excuse but the FACT that mark so quickly had to be like “we dont room!!!! how would u know!!!!!” makes me so suspicious??? nd how naturally nd quickly jinyoung said “u slept well” like... he knew like why else would he say that lmao

now, u think the 2 of them would learn from this slip up.... but cmon this is markjin we’re talking abt they dont know the fucking meaning of subtlety nd from that we have the Great Teethbrushing Debacle!!!

2jae were doing a vlive nd they decided to call mark nd when mark answered he said he was brushing his teeth nd u could hear all these noises of brushing nd spitting nd 2jae started laughing nd said they could hear the sound of him brushing his teeth nd mark was like “oh.. really?? that’s not me, that’s jinyoung. he’s next to me” but then jaebum said jinyoung was at a schedule??? nd this threw me into a fucking tinhatting spiral bc ok.... who is lying?? if mark tried to cover up that he was brushing his teeth, why was the 1st person he thought of jinyoung?? but if jaebum was the one who lied then for what reason?? why would he need us to think jinyoung wasnt there in the dorm with mark getting ready for bed?? so if mark WAS telling the truth... then why tf was he sitting next to jinyoung whilst jinyoung was brushing his teeth!!! is this a thing!!!! do they accompany each other to the bathroom nd just chill whilst the other is brushing their teeth!!! is it bc they get ready together bc they’re both going to bed iN THE SAME ROOM!!!!!!!!!!!

AND IT HONESTLY DOESNT EVEN END THERE!!! whilst mark was away doing lotj, the boys were asked which room in the dorm they liked the most......... nd jinyoung said mark’s. bc it was.... the simplest. the simplest....... what kind of bullshit thin excuse im literally yelling fucking simplest??? ??? what!!!!!!! he didnt even elaborate like wtf does that mean?? whats wrong with his own room???? all the other boys answered their own rooms!!! what!!!! the fuck!!!!! HANG ON LEMME REPEAT THAT!!!!! ALL THE OTHER BOYS!!!!!! ANSWERED THEIR OWN ROOMS!!!!!! EXCEPT JINYOUNG!!!!!! WHO SAID MARK’S ROOM!!!!! SO IF ALL THE BOYS SAID THEIR OWN ROOMS!!!!! AND JINYOUNG SAID MARK’S ROOM!!!! THEN DOES THAT ALSO MAYBE MAKE IT!!! HIS ROOM AS WELL!!!!!!

and that is the end of the Markjin Bedroom Conspiracy™....... for now

[somethingsomean]

lol holy fuck

7/18/2017 5:58:53 PM] girl: Also i have a massive caffeine headache WOW [7/18/2017 5:59:49 PM] girl: But the one on the far left is "baby girl" and the on on the right is "halo" and the little black one is "the end", who was going to be the very last beanie baby but ended up not being [7/18/2017 7:35:09 PM] girl: I also cant stop thiniing abt this horrible image [7/18/2017 10:46:32 PM] girl: Sorry to do this again i wasnt planning on it but um [7/18/2017 10:46:46 PM] girl: You will never guess what i just found on a couch outside and took home [7/18/2017 10:47:44 PM] girl: HIM [7/19/2017 4:09:49 AM] girl: Srry bout messaging you incessantly but im feelinf the Appointment Anxiety and a bit bored and i have to be awake at niiine. And I'm weeping, openly [7/20/2017 11:46:17 PM] girl: I really do wanna fuk lana del rey [7/21/2017 2:29:11 AM] aj: I feel like she'd be a dead fish of a lay, and I have no idea why. [7/21/2017 2:31:23 AM] girl: She's a really weird woman [7/21/2017 2:31:39 AM] girl: Unimportant, did you see my free crab [7/21/2017 2:31:46 AM] aj: I did. [7/21/2017 2:32:13 AM] aj: I approve, though I am still in shock that you can handle that when it is a crustacean. [7/21/2017 2:32:23 AM] girl: I almost couldn't [7/21/2017 2:32:39 AM] girl: But he's really soft and has normal eyes and most importantly no mouth [7/21/2017 2:33:18 AM] girl: I put The End on top of him and called the picture. Fifth horseman of the apocalypse [7/21/2017 2:33:27 AM] girl: Dark omen [7/21/2017 2:33:43 AM] aj: Spooky. [7/21/2017 2:34:10 AM] aj: So my potential roomie is probably backing out, and with less than a month before uni starts, I'm suddenly having to price 1bed/1bath apartments. [7/21/2017 2:34:27 AM] aj: It's within my budget and savings, but it's still got me more anxious. [7/21/2017 2:34:40 AM] aj: It's also really annoying because I wasn't expecting him to bitch out like this. [7/21/2017 2:34:48 AM] girl: Prices are so fucking bad here lol [7/21/2017 2:35:12 AM] girl: Esp on campus (´ ∀ ` *). Good thing im not paying rent thanks bfs daddy [7/21/2017 2:35:22 AM] aj: lel [7/21/2017 2:35:42 AM] girl: caucasian voice daddys money [7/21/2017 2:35:47 AM] aj: Anyways, living on my own soon again. [7/21/2017 2:36:02 AM] aj: and I realize how little I actually need in my life, which feels nice. [7/21/2017 2:36:18 AM] girl: I just always imagine you living with your sister bc of how much you truly seemed to dislike living with her [7/21/2017 2:36:33 AM] aj: We actually are really cool nowadays. [7/21/2017 2:36:43 AM] girl: Thats good [7/21/2017 2:38:05 AM] aj: While I was having lunch today, it struck me that part of the reason I'm offputting to people is because of reciprocation.  People build relationships with each other in part because each can satisfy a need the other has. [7/21/2017 2:38:13 AM] aj: I really... don't desire much from other people. [7/21/2017 2:38:37 AM] aj: Most of my needs are within my power to meet? [7/21/2017 2:40:28 AM] aj: I just realize that I'm a successful introvert, and I'll be moving in extrovert fields, lol great planning me. [7/21/2017 2:42:21 AM] girl: I feel like men mostly seem not to think about that kind of thing so much. Certain kinds of men, anyway. I'm trying to think of what i was saying, saying saying... I think that I never understood when boys said to me that I was too good or too nice, and that it demonstrates weirdly this kind of profound inconsideration for people, usually girls in my Experience, who really do love one another [7/21/2017 2:43:42 AM] girl: Which is off putting, to me, I guess, because i find complacency in nihilistic and depressing thoughts kind of insulting or boring. Also im sure youll be fine [7/21/2017 2:43:48 AM] girl: You're very charming [7/21/2017 2:44:34 AM] aj: I'm not particularly worried about my well-being, it's just something that caught my attention.  I appreciate you saying I'm charming, though.  It's nice of you. [7/21/2017 2:45:04 AM] aj: I think guys say a lot of "you're too nice" due to esteem issues, or because they have no idea how to treat someone who is nice to them. [7/21/2017 2:45:12 AM] girl: It works on me most times, so you must be doing something rigjt there [7/21/2017 2:45:18 AM] aj: Or because if they reciprocate, they worry they'll give too little or too much. [7/21/2017 2:47:32 AM] girl: I think so too, but I also think it's kind of boring and lazy. Maybe I'm being too mean or impatient but I really really really do get caught up in trying to demonstrate being loving and nice and thoughtful bc im uh, stockholmed, and feel bad for emotionally stunted men who remind me of other unfortunate men in my life, but, idk. It never ends well and it seems mostly like its not really my fault [7/21/2017 2:47:47 AM] aj: Interestingly, if guys can get past their stigma over being perceived as homosexual, they tend to form stronger relational bonds than women do.  At least in my experience.  I know that sounds terrible, but I'm just saying how I've seen the world, more than making value judgements. [7/21/2017 2:48:01 AM] girl: Or my job, though I do wish in my heart every day it was my job, and that i did it good [7/21/2017 2:48:16 AM] aj: I've seen a lot of women relationships and sisterhoods fragment over incredibly stupid shit. [7/21/2017 2:48:59 AM] aj: Which, maybe it's important to them, but guys at least tend to look a little guilty when they backstab other guys.  I've seen women fight and backstab, and it just looks so cold. [7/21/2017 2:49:31 AM] girl: Being hurt by other women is sad too [7/21/2017 2:50:38 AM] girl: But when men hurt me it feels different and worse and more at my expense than theirs, and even if its not true that men are worse, i think my life has really improved by just setting the bar much [7/21/2017 2:50:42 AM] girl: Much lower [7/21/2017 2:51:01 AM] aj: I can understand that. [7/21/2017 2:51:35 AM] girl: I feel like [7/21/2017 2:52:32 AM] girl: When a girl has hurt me I've been able to at least put myself in her shoes and understand why she did, save for some really crazy asshole women but like thats usually with crazy asshole women who are a lot older and more Christian than i am [7/21/2017 2:53:29 AM] girl: My crazy fucking aunt sent me a bunch of texts abt me needing to... [7/21/2017 2:53:35 AM] aj: Hahahaha, that's the way I feel towards guys.  Guys who have wronged me, I can put myself in their shoes.  I can understand their motivations.  I can see the signals of things coming.  Even the asshole guys. [7/21/2017 2:54:31 AM] aj: Women, though?  Much harder to predict.  Harder to put myself in their shoes.  Harder to understand. [7/21/2017 2:55:08 AM] girl: Um... Idk, seek help, or "stay broken" as she put it (even though i was not telling her anything about my life, except that i was Fine and doing Good) and she ended the big string of texts w a beatles quote and i dont talk to her much anymore bc i thought it was so annpying i never ever wanted to hear anything like it again [7/21/2017 2:55:32 AM] aj: A Beatles quote?  Really? [7/21/2017 2:56:54 AM] girl: Yes [7/21/2017 2:56:59 AM] girl: She's [7/21/2017 2:57:01 AM] girl: Crazy [7/21/2017 2:57:29 AM] aj: Anyone who ends a long rant telling someone else they need help with a Beatles quote needs more help than the person they're messaging. [7/21/2017 2:57:32 AM] aj: Always. [7/21/2017 2:57:36 AM] aj: Always and forever. [7/21/2017 2:58:32 AM] girl: She [7/21/2017 2:58:53 AM] girl: Likes to argue with me in really crazy ways, and tries to say things she knows will offend me [7/21/2017 2:59:00 AM] girl: Or thinks will [7/21/2017 2:59:45 AM] aj: How mindlessly cruel. [7/21/2017 3:00:09 AM] aj: ... I am wondering if that's a contradiction in terms, now. [7/21/2017 3:00:28 AM] aj: Probably.  Fuck it.  I am a multitude, if I contradict myself, what of it? [7/21/2017 3:00:51 AM] girl: And likes to say that im trying to be snarky at her or ... idk... she's psycho and so is her daughter [7/21/2017 3:01:07 AM] girl: But guess who has custody of my brother 🙄 [7/21/2017 3:01:17 AM] aj: Heheh [7/21/2017 3:01:28 AM] aj: Good job.  /patpat [7/21/2017 3:01:58 AM] girl: Nooo haha, her fucking daughter does bc i cant til im 21 [7/21/2017 3:02:08 AM] aj: Fuuuuuuuuuuck [7/21/2017 3:02:10 AM] girl: N im 20 [7/21/2017 3:02:15 AM] girl: I know lmao [7/21/2017 3:02:17 AM] girl: She tried [7/21/2017 3:02:20 AM] aj: Soon. [7/21/2017 3:02:22 AM] girl: To give me [7/21/2017 3:02:25 AM] girl: A curfew [7/21/2017 3:02:28 AM] girl: Like [7/21/2017 3:02:35 AM] girl: A sleep curfew [7/21/2017 3:02:52 AM] girl: like... last year... i was...19... [7/21/2017 3:03:08 AM] girl: Like a literally like 10:30 pm... bed time [7/21/2017 3:03:19 AM] girl: And would... confiscate... my phone [7/21/2017 3:03:53 AM] girl: Qnd gave me a dr oz type book on adhd [7/21/2017 3:03:59 AM] aj: People gotta flex less and be more wu wei.  Enforcing curfews like that on 19 year olds is stupid. [7/21/2017 3:05:07 AM] aj: I'm naturally inclined to hierarchies, but so many organizations that use them use them in shitty ways.  It makes me want to tear my hair out because I ardently believe that organizations trend in that direction no matter what you do, but you'd think that with thousands of years of history that we could do it right on a micro level. [7/21/2017 3:05:20 AM] aj: but fuck no we can't. [7/21/2017 3:07:01 AM] girl: She also like insisted i was high when i was having like a not very pleasant Episode because i was living with completely insane crackers and her husband was being creepy with me and my dad had just died and it was like honestly... Bitch.... where the fuck do you think i would have obtained drugs from i have 30$ and you live in fucking thurston colorado [7/21/2017 3:07:57 AM] girl: Honestly [7/21/2017 3:08:17 AM] girl: I hate her, and i cannot wait until she dies. But its whatever lol [7/21/2017 3:08:27 AM] aj: Yeah, I get you. [7/21/2017 3:09:04 AM] aj: People like that torment others, and don't really even realize they're doing it.  Or if they do, they're guided by some maliciousness usually found in small, angry, feral creatures. [7/21/2017 3:09:15 AM] aj: Like weasels, if all of them were malicious. [7/21/2017 3:09:31 AM] girl: Beavers are very aggressive [7/21/2017 3:09:32 AM] aj: Lots are cute, though. [7/21/2017 3:09:38 AM] girl: And will attack dogs [7/21/2017 3:09:48 AM] girl: And that fucks me up [7/21/2017 3:09:52 AM] aj: I cannot get over how cute they are, though. [7/21/2017 3:10:19 AM] aj: Also, probably all the nice ones got killed by fur trappers hundreds of years ago. [7/21/2017 3:10:24 AM] aj: SO the only ones left were the mean ones. [7/21/2017 3:10:33 AM] aj: Or, this is what I choose to believe. [7/21/2017 3:10:42 AM] girl: I picked up a moth off the ground today with her wing torn and put her back in the bushes and i hope she gets to lay her sick eggs before she fucks off to die [7/21/2017 3:11:14 AM] girl: I cant omagine turning into a beautiful mouthless fuck machine and fucking dying before i got the chance [7/21/2017 3:11:28 AM] girl: Weasels are cute [7/21/2017 3:11:32 AM] girl: I like them lots [7/21/2017 3:11:36 AM] girl: Long tubes [7/21/2017 3:11:41 AM] aj: Heh [7/21/2017 3:12:23 AM] girl: I talkrd to aris classmate on fucking tinder last night and that boy aint well [7/21/2017 3:13:28 AM] girl: Very alcoholic slightly oversharey, absolutely implied he wanted to You Know What but was drunk enough and polite. Enough that i said. Thats ok jim. I'm not offended [7/21/2017 3:13:45 AM] aj: Heh. [7/21/2017 3:14:02 AM] girl: I am pffended a little [7/21/2017 3:14:16 AM] girl: But i didnt want to hurt his feelings [7/21/2017 3:14:20 AM] girl: He seemed to be [7/21/2017 3:14:26 AM] girl: Not a well man [7/21/2017 3:14:53 AM] aj: I don't know anyone who is well. [7/21/2017 3:15:01 AM] aj: Probably because if I did, I wouldn't be able to understand them. [7/21/2017 3:15:16 AM] aj: but, that's still strange. [7/21/2017 3:17:12 AM] girl: I am quite a bit unwell but not quite as unwell [7/21/2017 3:17:14 AM] girl: As Jim [7/21/2017 3:18:23 AM] aj: That's unfortunate. [7/21/2017 3:21:41 AM] girl: Truly [7/21/2017 3:21:43 AM] girl: Truly [7/21/2017 3:22:43 AM] girl: Jim is not a well man [7/21/2017 3:23:29 AM] aj: Being lonely and lacking purpose in life twist people. [7/21/2017 3:23:47 AM] girl: Hope jim is well [7/21/2017 3:23:54 AM] girl: I mean for [7/21/2017 3:23:58 AM] girl: The night [7/21/2017 3:24:05 AM] aj: Aah [7/21/2017 3:24:12 AM] girl: I really am worried about that weird fucking man [7/21/2017 3:24:37 AM] aj: Somewhere in you, you're an optimist. [7/21/2017 3:24:46 AM] aj: and, I hope he'll be well for the night. [7/21/2017 3:25:15 AM] girl: Only so far as one can be with two dead parents [7/21/2017 3:25:40 AM] girl: Which is surprisingly far i guess [7/21/2017 3:25:53 AM] aj: That's why I remarked on it. [7/21/2017 3:25:56 AM] girl: I think im mostly cheery and mostly cute and only sometimes a crazy bitch [7/21/2017 3:26:12 AM] girl: i just cry a lot and need more xanax than most people [7/21/2017 3:26:33 AM] girl: I cried so much today and i dont even remember what over [7/21/2017 3:28:04 AM] girl: I was fussing and i cried for two hours and then i ... went to the library... [7/21/2017 3:28:19 AM] girl: Becauae i volunteer there so i can see old people all day [7/21/2017 3:29:15 AM] girl: I'm really foggy lately because im [7/21/2017 3:29:44 AM] girl: Not medicated, at least for the part of my brain that shits out mid sentence and loses stuff all the time [7/21/2017 3:29:51 AM] girl: So im sorry for being all over yhe place [7/21/2017 3:29:55 AM] girl: And impulsive [7/21/2017 3:29:58 AM] girl: Moreso than usual [7/21/2017 3:30:18 AM] aj: It's fine.  I can follow you. [7/21/2017 3:30:57 AM] girl: Nodnod [7/21/2017 3:31:12 AM] girl: I lpve... this stupid dog stuffed animal i have [7/21/2017 3:31:29 AM] girl: I sleep with him almost every night and he doesnt have a name except dog [7/21/2017 3:34:03 AM] girl: Thats [7/21/2017 3:34:09 AM] girl: Hmm [7/21/2017 3:34:43 AM] girl: not sure if i am happy with the fact that i said that [7/21/2017 3:35:00 AM] aj: It's cute. [7/21/2017 3:35:48 AM] girl: Shut up? [7/21/2017 3:36:02 AM] aj: I didn't say anything else. [7/21/2017 3:36:08 AM] aj: Stupid. [7/21/2017 3:36:54 AM] girl: Youre stupid [7/21/2017 3:37:24 AM] girl: I wish i wss not just reminded of [7/21/2017 3:37:37 AM] girl: Bedtime for bonzo starring ronald reagan [7/21/2017 3:38:36 AM] aj: That's a strange thing to be reminded of. [7/21/2017 3:39:12 AM] girl: Ari is [7/21/2017 3:39:17 AM] girl: A strange boy [7/21/2017 3:39:23 AM] girl: Who says things like [7/21/2017 3:39:35 AM] girl: Its bedtime for bonzo, when he is goong to sleep [7/21/2017 3:40:06 AM] girl: Why would he do that to me? [7/21/2017 3:42:19 AM] aj: To mess with you. [7/21/2017 3:42:38 AM] aj: I think maybe guys just like messing with you. [7/21/2017 3:43:05 AM] girl: Why... [7/21/2017 3:43:20 AM] aj: Who can say? [7/21/2017 3:43:46 AM] girl: You could, since you're a guy, who does that [7/21/2017 3:44:11 AM] girl: Plenty, even [7/21/2017 3:44:51 AM] aj: You're really desperate for an answer if you're asking me of all people. [7/21/2017 3:45:11 AM] girl: You said it [7/21/2017 3:45:30 AM] aj: Sure, but you're still pressing. [7/21/2017 3:46:02 AM] girl: Because you SAID it,... it was a weird thing to say! [7/21/2017 3:46:08 AM] girl: Og my god [7/21/2017 3:46:16 AM] aj: Hahahahahaha [7/21/2017 3:46:19 AM] girl: You're doing it...right now [7/21/2017 3:46:23 AM] girl: Fuck you [7/21/2017 3:46:50 AM] aj: I anticipated you pushing the issue, so I figured I'd mess with you while you do so. [7/21/2017 3:47:14 AM] aj: If you had let it drop, I couldn't have messed with you. [7/21/2017 3:47:19 AM] aj: So, really, it's your own fault. [7/21/2017 3:47:35 AM] girl: You're such a motherfucker [7/21/2017 3:48:16 AM] girl: How could that be my own fault [7/21/2017 3:48:22 AM] girl: You said something strange [7/21/2017 3:48:47 AM] aj: You responded to the strange thing, and pressed for more instead of letting it drop.  I say strange things all the time. [7/21/2017 3:49:26 AM] girl: Not about me! [7/21/2017 3:50:11 AM] girl: If there really was some reason people said shit like bedtime for bonzo to me before sleeping in the same bed as me [7/21/2017 3:50:21 AM] girl: And there was a way for me to stop it [7/21/2017 3:50:38 AM] girl: Isnt it natural i would want to know the reason!!!!! [7/21/2017 3:51:00 AM] aj: There's nothing natural about saying "bedtime for bonzo". [7/21/2017 3:51:26 AM] girl: You implied that it was somehow mt fault!! [7/21/2017 3:51:29 AM] aj: It follows that there is nothing natural about wanting to stop someone saying "bedtime for bonzo".  It is similarly unnatural. [7/21/2017 3:52:01 AM] aj: I outright stated guys like messing with you. [7/21/2017 3:52:07 AM] aj: You asked why. [7/21/2017 3:52:14 AM] aj: and I proceeded to mess with you for it. [7/21/2017 3:52:36 AM] girl: It's not unnatural to wish in your heart that no one would remind you of bedtime for bonzo starring ronald reagan!!!!!! [7/21/2017 3:52:41 AM] aj: I can now confirm that in this instance, guys like messing with you. [7/21/2017 3:52:54 AM] aj: Because I messed with you just now, and liked it. [7/21/2017 3:53:35 AM] girl: That's because youre a... a sadist or something [7/21/2017 3:53:44 AM] girl: Not my fault [7/21/2017 3:53:47 AM] aj: No, I was trying to get an honest answer for you. [7/21/2017 3:53:51 AM] aj: and I got your answer. [7/21/2017 3:54:09 AM] aj: "Because it's fun to mess with you." is the answer as to why guys like messing with you. [7/21/2017 3:54:39 AM] aj: I expected that would be the answer, but went ahead and tested anyways. [7/21/2017 3:54:47 AM] aj: You should thank me for my effort. [7/21/2017 3:55:16 AM] girl: (ʘ言ʘ╬) [7/21/2017 3:56:08 AM] girl: There's no reason to complicate things that much you fucker [7/21/2017 3:56:23 AM] aj: Would you have been happier if I made up an answer? [7/21/2017 3:57:05 AM] girl: You're still being complicated, there's no reason to ask that question, thats a dumb question [7/21/2017 3:57:17 AM] girl: You didnt need to make up an answer if you knew it!! [7/21/2017 3:57:28 AM] aj: How would I know it unless I tested it? [7/21/2017 3:57:44 AM] girl: because most people know why they like doing something!! [7/21/2017 3:58:02 AM] aj: Do they? [7/21/2017 3:58:26 AM] aj: Would the most common answer be: "Because it's fun." ? [7/21/2017 3:58:53 AM] girl: And youve messed with me plenty of times before, its not like it was a novel Or New experience for you!! [7/21/2017 3:59:27 AM] girl: I don't know, I'm not a man or a person who likes to mess witg my own self [7/21/2017 3:59:32 AM] aj: I'll betcha a really common reason people like doing things is because those things are fun.  I'll even betcha that you knew that before you asked me. [7/21/2017 3:59:45 AM] aj: Which means, if you knew the answer, why did you ask the question? [7/21/2017 3:59:59 AM] aj: Here you are blaming me, when it's really your fault. [7/21/2017 4:00:02 AM] girl: Because you said something fucking WEIRD!!! [7/21/2017 4:00:08 AM] girl: oh my god [7/21/2017 4:00:10 AM] aj: Which I do all the time. [7/21/2017 4:00:12 AM] girl: Ohhh my god [7/21/2017 4:00:35 AM] girl: Youre such a dog!!!!! [7/21/2017 4:00:48 AM] aj: It's still fun. [7/21/2017 4:00:58 AM] aj: In case you were wondering if the reason changed. [7/21/2017 4:01:08 AM] girl: I WASNT [7/21/2017 4:01:35 AM] aj: You could have been, so I wanted to be sure. [7/21/2017 4:01:52 AM] girl: youre going to give me high blood pressure or something [7/21/2017 4:01:58 AM] girl: An ulcer maybe [7/21/2017 4:02:09 AM] aj: You probably like this, too. [7/21/2017 4:02:54 AM] girl: because i like you, and because im a sick freak, not for any reason you could assume anyone else would [7/21/2017 4:03:03 AM] girl: im an outlier [7/21/2017 4:03:33 AM] girl: Most people would throw you in the trash for being so god damn rude [7/21/2017 4:04:02 AM] aj: How fortunate that I only mess with people who like me, hmm? [7/21/2017 4:04:35 AM] aj: Does this mean that instead of throwing me in the trash [7/21/2017 4:04:40 AM] aj: You throw me in the treasure? [7/21/2017 4:04:50 AM] aj: Because one person's trash is another person's treasure? [7/21/2017 4:05:19 AM] girl: I need a fucking drink [7/21/2017 4:05:32 AM] aj: I'm a treasure person~ [7/21/2017 4:05:41 AM] girl: You're absolute garbage [7/21/2017 4:05:50 AM] aj: treasure* [7/21/2017 4:06:20 AM] girl: I still like you a lot, but don't let that fool you. Plenty of people like terrible, reprehensible things [7/21/2017 4:06:33 AM] girl: I'm just a sick little masochist [7/21/2017 4:06:42 AM] girl: Please dont let it go to your head [7/21/2017 4:07:09 AM] aj: I'm unsure where you got the impression I thought I was somehow not terrible or reprehensible. [7/21/2017 4:07:15 AM] aj: I'm both. [7/21/2017 4:07:45 AM] girl: You and my trash crab can hang out [7/21/2017 4:07:56 AM] aj: treasure crab* [7/21/2017 4:08:01 AM] girl: Die [7/21/2017 4:08:18 AM] aj: I'm laughing so hard, incidentally. [7/21/2017 4:08:29 AM] girl: I hate you [7/21/2017 4:08:29 AM] aj: It's hard to retain composure. [7/21/2017 4:08:40 AM] aj: Oh. [7/21/2017 4:08:44 AM] aj: I know you're not wondering, [7/21/2017 4:08:50 AM] aj: But I wanted to confirm, it's still fun. [7/21/2017 4:09:04 AM] girl: Oh my GOD [7/21/2017 4:09:31 AM] girl: I'm fukitng [7/21/2017 4:09:34 AM] girl: Ohhh my god [7/21/2017 4:09:59 AM] girl: You!! You you you you, I swear to god, you know, you're [7/21/2017 4:10:21 AM] aj: Treasure. [7/21/2017 4:10:23 AM] aj: Yes. [7/21/2017 4:10:24 AM] aj: I know. [7/21/2017 4:11:19 AM] girl: You're like, a, a piñata, except instead of candy you're full of like, very bizarre feelings like "so mad you hyperventilate, but in a fun way" [7/21/2017 4:11:56 AM] girl: That shouldnt even be a thing [7/21/2017 4:12:13 AM] girl: Im congested you know, [7/21/2017 4:12:24 AM] girl: Its not easy to be breathing this weird [7/21/2017 4:12:37 AM] aj: You have nobody to blame but yourself. [7/21/2017 4:12:40 AM] aj: You started this. [7/21/2017 4:12:59 AM] girl: I did not!! [7/21/2017 4:13:29 AM] girl: I said why did my boyfriend tell me bedtime for bonzo!! And you said something strange!! [7/21/2017 4:13:49 AM] aj: I say strange things all the time. [7/21/2017 4:13:54 AM] aj: You pushed the issue. [7/21/2017 4:14:06 AM] girl: Thats a bad excuse!! [7/21/2017 4:14:19 AM] aj: and also an accurate description of how events unfolded. [7/21/2017 4:14:54 AM] aj: The fact that it's a bad excuse is a bonus, from my viewpoint. [7/21/2017 4:14:59 AM] girl: You're a monster [7/21/2017 4:15:01 AM] aj: If it was a good excuse, it wouldn't be nearly as funny. [7/21/2017 4:15:08 AM] girl: UGH [7/21/2017 4:15:48 AM] girl: I [7/21/2017 4:15:50 AM] girl: God [7/21/2017 4:16:03 AM] girl: I hate you! [7/21/2017 4:17:05 AM] girl: I'm an easy target because I'm a FREAK, I get it. You're terrible. Picking on a poor girl like me [7/21/2017 4:18:24 AM] girl: A poor, kind hearted, tolerant masochist who CANT HELP IT and IS A FREAK and doesnt deserve to be mistreated [7/21/2017 4:18:48 AM] aj: A masochist who doesn't deserve to be mistreated? [7/21/2017 4:19:15 AM] girl: It's a CONDITION [7/21/2017 4:19:34 AM] girl: I'm SICK INSIDE and I can't help it [7/21/2017 4:20:28 AM] aj: You should consider that most people are easy targets. [7/21/2017 4:20:37 AM] aj: What most people aren't, however, is worthwhile targets. [7/21/2017 4:21:21 AM] aj: To illustrate: it is easy to get spare change out of a fountain, because Americans throw change in fountains for some strange reason. [7/21/2017 4:21:45 AM] aj: But it is not worthwhile, except in the very worst of circumstances. [7/21/2017 4:21:50 AM] girl: what a dark thing to say [7/21/2017 4:22:12 AM] girl: he calls me a fat little peach [7/21/2017 4:22:44 AM] girl: how terrible [7/21/2017 4:22:52 AM] aj: Poor you. [7/21/2017 4:23:12 AM] girl: Its okay, peaches are cute [7/21/2017 4:23:44 AM] aj: Unless they're rotten. [7/21/2017 4:23:47 AM] aj: and you're pretty rotten. [7/21/2017 4:23:58 AM] aj: Or maybe you're rotten pretty. [7/21/2017 4:24:03 AM] aj: Both? [7/21/2017 4:24:06 AM] girl: I......... [7/21/2017 4:24:15 AM] girl: Did something so terrible [7/21/2017 4:24:39 AM] girl: I'm a little [7/21/2017 4:24:42 AM] girl: Shocked [7/21/2017 4:25:24 AM] girl: I stuck my tongue out... at the screen... and im only telling you because it was kind of cute of me, but also shockingly....... unhinged [7/21/2017 4:25:49 AM] girl: I feel like i just caught myself in the mirror eating raw meat with my hands or something [7/21/2017 4:26:17 AM] girl: I am rotten, and pretty, by the way [7/21/2017 4:26:40 AM] girl: A fat and darling peach thank you very much [7/21/2017 4:26:57 AM] girl: Just a few worm [7/21/2017 4:27:12 AM] aj: Heh. [7/21/2017 4:27:21 AM] aj: Hmm. [7/21/2017 4:27:43 AM] girl: Hmm what [7/21/2017 4:27:53 AM] aj: I think I'll spare you. [7/21/2017 4:28:07 AM] aj: If you're already sticking your tongue out at the screen, I can ease up. [7/21/2017 4:28:15 AM] girl: You [7/21/2017 4:28:19 AM] girl: Oh my god [7/21/2017 4:28:25 AM] girl: Just say it you bastard [7/21/2017 4:28:56 AM] girl: What is possibly more embarrassing than my existence in relation to you [7/21/2017 4:29:03 AM] aj: Honeybee. [7/21/2017 4:29:26 AM] girl: Fucking flirt [7/21/2017 4:29:42 AM] aj: Oh, that wasn't what I was going to say, that just answered your question. [7/21/2017 4:29:59 AM] girl: Youre fucking killing me [7/21/2017 4:30:07 AM] girl: Not that you care [7/21/2017 4:30:45 AM] aj: I was going to ask you if you were rotten pretty though, because I imagine that's some sort of grungy look.  Like something out of a high fashion seasonal thing that involves trashbags and whatnot.' [7/21/2017 4:31:01 AM] aj: Being pretty and being rotten does not make one rotten pretty. [7/21/2017 4:32:13 AM] girl: I don't thinj they make that sort of thing for girls with frighteningly enormous hips [7/21/2017 4:32:22 AM] girl: My dentist told me i look like [7/21/2017 4:32:25 AM] girl: Coraline [7/21/2017 4:32:41 AM] girl: Because of my dress [7/21/2017 4:32:47 AM] aj: Aaah [7/21/2017 4:32:59 AM] aj: That's too bad.  You could have been a rotten pretty treasure person. [7/21/2017 4:33:21 AM] girl: It's not too bad at all [7/21/2017 4:33:36 AM] girl: I'm quite [7/21/2017 4:33:40 AM] girl: Pleased [7/21/2017 4:33:47 AM] aj: I never asked you. [7/21/2017 4:33:56 AM] girl: who cares? [7/21/2017 4:34:12 AM] aj: You're catching on to me and not overreacting anymore. [7/21/2017 4:34:17 AM] aj: Good job. [7/21/2017 4:35:05 AM] girl: You offended me by saying who asked you, which was rude, so i snipped like a mean girl [7/21/2017 4:35:13 AM] girl: Though youve [7/21/2017 4:35:21 AM] girl: Seen me be a much meaner girl [7/21/2017 4:35:33 AM] aj: Yeah, the snip didn't bug me. [7/21/2017 4:36:05 AM] aj: Your dentist said a nice thing.  Probably I'd say you were cute. [7/21/2017 4:36:22 AM] aj: But not if I was a dentist, because dentists telling people they're cute is super weird. [7/21/2017 4:36:44 AM] girl: i was offended at first, because she said, tim burton-y. And i said, oh, um, thanks [7/21/2017 4:36:52 AM] girl: but coraline isnt so offensive [7/21/2017 4:36:59 AM] aj: Yeah [7/21/2017 4:37:03 AM] aj: That was a nice thing to say [7/21/2017 4:37:10 AM] girl: Oh aj [7/21/2017 4:37:19 AM] aj: Mm? [7/21/2017 4:37:23 AM] girl: Im just so fucking cute not even my dentist can help herself [7/21/2017 4:38:26 AM] girl: I think its probably lost on you because its not very cute to act the way i do to you sometimes [7/21/2017 4:38:33 AM] girl: Most times [7/21/2017 4:39:33 AM] girl: But it was truly not her fault... I'm very polite and a lot like a fat cat [7/21/2017 4:40:17 AM] girl: And god knows it would be a crime to be hateful to a fat cat [7/21/2017 4:40:35 AM] girl: And thats why my dentist called me cute and gave me a gift card. Thank you [7/21/2017 4:40:41 AM] girl: She also made my teeth hurt [7/21/2017 4:40:49 AM] aj: Heh. [7/21/2017 4:41:04 AM] aj: In your case, I think... [7/21/2017 4:41:28 AM] aj: I could already see some of that. [7/21/2017 4:41:44 AM] girl: A fat cat? [7/21/2017 4:41:54 AM] aj: Nah, but polite and cute. [7/21/2017 4:42:08 AM] girl: Sounds like i need to try harder [7/21/2017 4:42:26 AM] girl: You called me cute again [7/21/2017 4:42:39 AM] girl: Even though it was just agreeing with me [7/21/2017 4:43:22 AM] girl: You're still a fucking flirt [7/21/2017 4:43:34 AM] aj: lmao [7/21/2017 4:43:44 AM] girl: It's fine, though [7/21/2017 4:43:56 AM] aj: You wouldn't believe me if I denied it. [7/21/2017 4:44:03 AM] girl: I like it because im a masochist (´ ∀ ` *) [7/21/2017 4:44:15 AM] girl: That i was cute? [7/21/2017 4:44:25 AM] girl: I wouldn't. [7/21/2017 4:44:34 AM] aj: Nah.  The flirt bit. [7/21/2017 4:44:45 AM] girl: Even if you don't mean to [7/21/2017 4:44:52 AM] girl: You called me a fucking petname [7/21/2017 4:44:58 AM] girl: What else is that [7/21/2017 4:45:12 AM] aj: You asked what was more embarrassing.  Out of all the sordid things there were. [7/21/2017 4:45:24 AM] aj: That word ranks at the top. [7/21/2017 4:45:30 AM] girl: There's plenty of embarrassing things about me [7/21/2017 4:45:49 AM] girl: That aren't so cute and horrible of you to say [7/21/2017 4:46:07 AM] girl: Like [7/21/2017 4:46:11 AM] girl: A lot of them [7/21/2017 4:46:25 AM] girl: I'm a walking shame machine [7/21/2017 4:47:03 AM] aj: Sure, but that one induces profound shame and complicatedness alongside. [7/21/2017 4:47:10 AM] aj: Also, it was a kneejerk reply. [7/21/2017 4:47:18 AM] girl: Homo [7/21/2017 4:47:33 AM] girl: Anyone else would call that flirting [7/21/2017 4:48:32 AM] girl: But if you're so insistent, i wont fuss. Fucking gay though lol [7/21/2017 4:49:08 AM] aj: I'd try and be more obvious and clumsy if I wanted to flirt with you. [7/21/2017 4:49:15 AM] aj: I feel like you'd deserve that. [7/21/2017 4:49:55 AM] aj: Also, you've totally ranted at me and bounced between homicidal and wanting a hatefuck or something and then wanting hugs. [7/21/2017 4:50:12 AM] girl: Exactly!! [7/21/2017 4:50:18 AM] girl: Much more embarrassing [7/21/2017 4:50:55 AM] aj: Yeah, this just shows we have entirely different concepts of what that entails. [7/21/2017 4:51:08 AM] girl: Sorry that i wanted to kill you. That first time at least was me taking meds that didn't sit well with me [7/21/2017 4:52:23 AM] girl: But still [7/21/2017 4:53:12 AM] girl: You're being cute, it's kind of gross [7/21/2017 4:54:14 AM] girl: Not that I'm complaining, even if it wasn't at me I like knowing that you're still cute sometimes. It's also a burden but thats fine for now [7/21/2017 4:54:48 AM] aj: I don't have much consolation for you on that one. [7/21/2017 4:55:25 AM] girl: Guess ill just have to suffer by myself then [7/21/2017 4:55:51 AM] girl: I truly am suffering [7/21/2017 4:55:57 AM] aj: Yeah? [7/21/2017 4:56:06 AM] girl: i cant breathe in this stupid apartmenr [7/21/2017 4:56:21 AM] aj: For a moment I was feeling bad. [7/21/2017 4:56:29 AM] aj: You got me for a moment. [7/21/2017 4:56:33 AM] girl: Oops [7/21/2017 4:57:18 AM] girl: It makes me happy to talk with you lile this, even if it makes me a sick masochistic freak [7/21/2017 4:57:25 AM] girl: So you dont have to worry for now [7/21/2017 4:58:29 AM] girl: Youve always been a nice distraction from other more horrible thinhs, except rn i cant think of them bc im living in perpetual brainfog and congestion and cant hardly remember yesterday [7/21/2017 4:58:39 AM] aj: This type of conversation felt more organic and natural, and I've been wondering if that's a good thing or a bad thing for the past couple of hours.  It has been nice, though. [7/21/2017 4:58:54 AM] girl: I don't think it matters [7/21/2017 4:59:02 AM] girl: To me, anyway. [7/21/2017 5:00:06 AM] girl: I'm pretty resigned to feeling something intense somewhere in my skull for you forever, no matter if you indulge me or not. No matter if i indulge myself either i guess [7/21/2017 5:00:49 AM] girl: It's kind of a weirdly peaceful feeling i guess [7/21/2017 5:01:05 AM] aj: Well, that's good at least. [7/21/2017 5:02:02 AM] girl: I wish i wasnt retarded though, I really hate having a cursed millennial brain that can only wver think of Video Games and Tweeting [7/21/2017 5:03:17 AM] girl: I have too much hair but i dont want to cut it myself and i dont want anyone else to cut it rn either [7/21/2017 5:03:55 AM] girl: i used to have a lot more though, its nice to drown yourself in your own hair [7/21/2017 5:04:05 AM] aj: Long hair is A++ [7/21/2017 5:04:33 AM] girl: I like myself with fluffy little bob cuts but i also like myself with really really long hair [7/21/2017 5:05:03 AM] girl: Everything in between is anything ranging from slightly imperfect to very annoying [7/21/2017 5:05:32 AM] girl: I saw a girl with such a fluffy bob cut today and it was so cute [7/21/2017 5:06:55 AM] aj: How is it already 5. [7/21/2017 5:06:58 AM] aj: Blah. [7/21/2017 5:07:07 AM] aj: I should sleep for a few hours or something. [7/21/2017 5:07:34 AM] girl: Have to be somewhere? [7/21/2017 5:07:55 AM] aj: Nah, but I should at least keep some normal hours. [7/21/2017 5:07:58 AM] girl: Im going to sleep all day (´ ∀ ` *) [7/21/2017 5:08:30 AM] girl: I woke up at like 7:30 yesterday and i felt like garbage the entire day LOL [7/21/2017 5:09:20 AM] aj: treasure* [7/21/2017 5:09:40 AM] girl: Die [7/21/2017 5:09:50 AM] aj: I had to. [7/21/2017 5:10:19 AM] girl: I think im just going to hang out on my couch and try to make my nose work again before i sleep though [7/21/2017 5:11:04 AM] aj: Probably wise.  No neti pot or stuff like it? [7/21/2017 5:11:28 AM] girl: No, but i have an inhaler somewhere around here Lol [7/21/2017 5:13:25 AM] aj: That could work. [7/21/2017 5:13:32 AM] aj: I haven't used an inhaler in a long time [7/21/2017 5:13:37 AM] aj: so, maybe it also couldn't work [7/21/2017 5:13:38 AM] girl: snorts it [7/21/2017 5:13:58 AM] girl: I use mine all the time bc of this MOLDY fucking building [7/21/2017 5:15:21 AM] girl: You can snooze whenever, I'm chattering bc im feeling chattery but sooner or later my body will tell me enough is enoyfh and force me in2 slumber [7/21/2017 5:15:37 AM] girl: Hopefully not on the couch because its a bit. Short [7/21/2017 5:15:46 AM] girl: Send prayers [7/21/2017 5:18:30 AM] girl: I hope if nothing else i at least get a marimo farm in my lungs [7/21/2017 5:19:32 AM] aj: Heh, sleeping.  Feel better. [7/21/2017 5:19:56 AM] girl: Night [7/21/2017 5:20:03 AM] girl: Idiot [7/21/2017 1:54:44 PM] girl: Hh [7/21/2017 6:17:17 PM] girl: Mnn [7/21/2017 6:17:32 PM] girl: It was... nice to talk to you almost kind of normal [7/21/2017 6:18:09 PM] girl: I went to the pharmacy... and drank a bery large mocha... and went to the fish market... [7/21/2017 6:19:01 PM] girl: I hate when i cant fucking read [7/21/2017 6:19:58 PM] girl: I think thats the worst thing about my dumbass symptoms is like reading anything informational is like a concentrated effort, like, i couldnt read these stupid signs abt cheese [7/21/2017 6:45:38 PM] girl: Also i ended up falling asleep on the couch lol [7/21/2017 6:45:46 PM] girl: Like a damn idiot [7/21/2017 6:46:05 PM] girl: But i went back t bed at like 8 or 9 or 10 [7/21/2017 6:50:42 PM] girl: Also I had some. Folks online mistake me for like 12 today... which wS... interesting... i think th effect is lost when people see me irl bc i have the stature of a grown woman but i regularly get mistaken for like 16-17 but i think thats just whT happens when youre asian and round in the face [7/21/2017 9:07:44 PM] girl: My aunt is soooo psycho [7/21/2017 10:17:59 PM] girl: She like. I dont think ive ever met anyone so evil. Evil and crazy. Its fine though [7/21/2017 10:18:11 PM] girl: I feel very unfocused and dumb sorry!!! [7/21/2017 11:56:12 PM] girl: Did yoy know im allergic to like every raw fruit and vegetable and the sun [7/22/2017 2:33:20 AM] girl: Hahaha [7/22/2017 2:33:38 AM] girl: For a cute girl who acts rly normal to most people I really am such a loser [7/22/2017 2:47:45 AM] girl: (´ ∀ ` *) I really am pretty pathetic [7/22/2017 2:48:23 AM] girl: but its mostly okay because im charming enough to get away with it... but boy sometimes i think about what a huge loser i am and go WOW [7/22/2017 3:51:46 AM] girl: Hahahaha [7/22/2017 3:51:56 AM] girl: I call you a dog. But [7/22/2017 3:52:05 AM] girl: Sometimes im a dog too [7/22/2017 11:26:38 AM] girl: I??? Woke up to my fucking aunt telling me. Like. Oh my god idk. Crazy shit bc my other aunt is a crazy evil woman and I think shes telling my moms side of the family shit about me that isnt true [7/22/2017 11:51:04 PM] girl: Bluh [7/22/2017 11:51:13 PM] girl: I hate how foggy i feel [7/22/2017 11:51:32 PM] girl: Its so difficult to think ahead. [7/23/2017 1:38:05 AM] girl: Mmmn my [7/23/2017 1:38:37 AM] girl: Fingers are all messy bc ive been touching theese eyeshadow pallettrs [7/24/2017 4:03:50 AM] aj: Yeah, you're a dog, too. [7/24/2017 4:05:15 AM] aj: That being said, I think most people feel that they're frauds to some extent. [7/24/2017 4:06:09 AM] aj: That could just be me, though.  The truth is that no matter how smart of capable you are, your skills are limited, largely only useful in the time you're born and live, and not even that great. [7/24/2017 4:07:32 AM] aj: One of the things I super-hate is people who say they're "educated".  Like, what the fuck does that even mean?  Dogs who do training are "educated" or some shit.  Lots of people like it to mean that they have a degree or read a few books sometimes, or say it as a put-on because they think whatever vapid things they like qualify as things "educated" people like. [7/24/2017 4:09:09 AM] aj: So, if being "educated" means having a degree, the problem is that having a degree doesn't mean one is "educated".  Honorary degrees aside, there's a huge philosophical problem that I think it called the Chinese Room or something like it.  Basically, even if you display perfect understanding, there's no way to know that you actually understand something.  You could just be following a complex series of decision trees or memorized it all. [7/24/2017 4:10:11 AM] aj: Granted, analytics and rote memorization are a part of understanding, but we tend to think of understanding as more than that.  THE POINT IS that any credential does not guarantee that the holder actually knows what they're talking about.  It just ups the probability.  So, credentials are out as a 100% indication of "educated". [7/24/2017 4:10:46 AM] aj: Which leaves, what?  Without that, we just have consensus opinion and personal testimony, which is fine because degrees are just more rigorous versions of that shit anyways. [7/24/2017 4:11:31 AM] aj: But, then, saying you're "educated" means that you've attained some level of knowledge and understanding that will always and forever place you in that status.  Which is BULLSHIT because stuff changes all the damn time. [7/24/2017 4:12:23 AM] aj: I guess in the end I just hate that term.  The legit smart and wise people I know won't use that word as a self-descriptor. [7/24/2017 4:12:47 AM] aj: So all that's left are people who use that word because it sounds good and maybe people told them they were smart or something. [7/24/2017 4:14:48 AM] aj: So.  Most people are frauds.  Or they vastly overestimate their abilities and then go on to overstate them.  It's a display that combines a lack of circumspect thinking with a lack of humility, and produces people who fearlessly blunder into an uncertain future while simultaneously insulting people who have the good sense to know they're stupid and people who have the humility to constrain their self-expression. [7/24/2017 4:20:03 AM] aj: So.  Being charming is pretty good because you still have that going for you on top of enough self-knowledge to know where your limits tend to be. [7/24/2017 4:20:19 AM] aj: Don't be so hard on yourself, you could be an "educated" twat or someshit. [7/24/2017 11:17:40 AM] girl: Hahahaha [7/24/2017 12:51:38 PM] girl: I saw that and fell right badk asleep [7/24/2017 3:33:34 PM] girl: Sometimes you can be pretty cute [7/24/2017 3:34:22 PM] girl: Mostly i just hate being unmedicated and a lot of add treatment options are kind of bad or they're adderall lol [7/24/2017 3:35:34 PM] girl: I'm like out of withdrawal phase or should be but it's just annoying to have to make a concentrated effort to do things other people can do with ease [7/24/2017 3:37:57 PM] girl: It's like, having meds is like putting glasses on for the first time and being like oh this is how things are kind of supposed to be, and so, being off them is extra frustrating when you know how stuff feels and is Normally i guess. And I can't really do much in the way of trying harder, my brain shits out midway through sentences and stuff and i am rly easily distracted and i want to. Roll in mud and die [7/24/2017 3:39:01 PM] girl: Idk if it's you know, actual Textbook Adhd or just my brain didn't develop normal because i spent so many of my formative years in traumatic situations and environments but my brain sure doesn't work right [7/24/2017 3:42:36 PM] girl: It feels like there's a lot of things wrong with me and i hate it because symptoms really aren't the same for everybody and mental issues are hard to diagnose and treat right, and it seems like i have some conflicting things going on and thats very annoying [7/25/2017 2:44:20 AM] girl: mmm [7/25/2017 2:44:30 AM] girl: I'm a little high lol. And very strange [7/25/2017 4:09:50 AM] girl: Sleepy... sleepy sleepy [7/25/2017 4:09:59 AM] girl: I cant believe youre so tall... [7/25/2017 4:10:05 AM] girl: Thats too tall you know [7/25/2017 4:10:10 AM] girl: Much too tall... [7/25/2017 4:10:17 AM] girl: No reason for it even... [7/25/2017 9:44:28 PM] aj: =P [7/25/2017 10:39:55 PM] girl: Dummy [7/25/2017 10:43:24 PM] girl: Its so fucking hot [7/25/2017 10:48:53 PM] girl: Like way too fucking hot [7/25/2017 10:49:07 PM] girl: Im letting ari have our singular fan bc hes asleep [7/25/2017 10:49:15 PM] girl: But o wish i was cruel enough to take ot [7/25/2017 10:55:56 PM] aj:  /patpat [7/25/2017 11:00:47 PM] girl: Dont pat me [7/25/2017 11:00:50 PM] girl: Thats rude [7/25/2017 11:02:53 PM] girl: I have some [7/25/2017 11:02:57 PM] girl: Interesting [7/25/2017 11:03:03 PM] girl: Family drama [7/25/2017 11:25:40 PM] aj: Yeah? [7/25/2017 11:25:50 PM] aj: You getting more problems from your aunt? [7/25/2017 11:26:00 PM] girl: Hahaha [7/25/2017 11:26:03 PM] girl: Yeah [7/25/2017 11:26:20 PM] girl: White aunt idk [7/25/2017 11:27:17 PM] girl: She was like... "the reason you're having issues with your dads family is because you don't respect or know your own culture. Japanese people value honor." [7/25/2017 11:27:34 PM] girl: Then she sent me a picture of my grandpa with the word DOJO over it from a magazine [7/25/2017 11:27:37 PM] girl: I was. [7/25/2017 11:27:49 PM] girl: Shocked [7/25/2017 11:28:01 PM] aj: lolololhonor culture [7/25/2017 11:28:12 PM] aj: Saving face is not the same as valuing honor. [7/25/2017 11:28:45 PM] aj: Relying on cultural constructions that produce peer pressure for stepping out of the line of norms is not "honor". [7/25/2017 11:29:06 PM] aj: Individualism is also shit, don't get me wrong. [7/25/2017 11:29:33 PM] girl: I just was like [7/25/2017 11:30:09 PM] girl: Shocked at how caucasian of her it was to say, esp when my other aunt is like genuinely evil and tried to keep me from coming to my own dads funeral [7/25/2017 11:30:22 PM] girl: Like bringing up... japanese honor... or whatever... [7/25/2017 11:30:32 PM] girl: Like maam? Are you well? [7/25/2017 11:30:35 PM] aj: Yeah, I have no idea how that factors into it. [7/25/2017 11:31:15 PM] girl: A [7/25/2017 11:31:29 PM] girl: A failure to understand my own familys culture.... ok... [7/25/2017 11:31:34 PM] aj: I... [7/25/2017 11:31:41 PM] girl: Girl i know [7/25/2017 11:31:52 PM] aj: Do people read what they message? [7/25/2017 11:32:39 PM] girl: She sent me a pic of my grandpa in his dojo [7/25/2017 11:32:41 PM] girl: Like [7/25/2017 11:32:55 PM] girl: See how honorable and japanese your grandpa was [7/25/2017 11:33:00 PM] girl: Like oh my god [7/25/2017 11:33:35 PM] aj: I don't understand how someone does that and thinks they're making a point on anything other than their own ignorance. [7/25/2017 11:34:36 PM] girl: Its so embarrassing [7/25/2017 11:34:45 PM] girl: Im so deeply embarrassed for her [7/25/2017 11:34:50 PM] aj: I feel shame for this person, yes. [7/25/2017 11:35:15 PM] girl: I'm sensitive and it ruins my mornings when she pulls this shit so i finally just told her to fuck off [7/25/2017 11:35:58 PM] aj: I was speaking with my sister earlier about that girl who rolled her car while snapchatting. [7/25/2017 11:36:31 PM] aj: and who, once getting out of her vehicle, instead of calling 911, snapchatted some more while the corpse of her sister was just there. [7/25/2017 11:36:46 PM] girl: oh my god WHAT [7/25/2017 11:37:30 PM] girl: Thats insane?!? [7/25/2017 11:37:49 PM] aj: https://kfiam640.iheart.com/content/2017-07-24-drunk-teen-livestreamed-car-crash-that-killed-her-14-year-old-sister/ [7/25/2017 11:37:59 PM] girl: I mean i also texted ari after i dound my dad but i fucking called the ambulance first(?!?!? [7/25/2017 11:38:03 PM] aj: There's a link because I try and source stuff, anyways [7/25/2017 11:38:12 PM] girl: Oh my god [7/25/2017 11:38:15 PM] girl: Thats [7/25/2017 11:38:17 PM] girl: A bit [7/25/2017 11:38:18 PM] girl: Much [7/25/2017 11:38:42 PM] aj: Livestreaming on instagram, my bad, anyways. [7/25/2017 11:38:53 PM] aj: My sister thinks that people like this are evil. [7/25/2017 11:39:22 PM] aj: So we talked about evil and stuff for a little while. [7/25/2017 11:40:24 PM] aj: The main disagreement we have is that I don't think this person is evil.  My sister can't really comprehend how someone can be so self-absorbed about it all.  She said this girl was "empty", and that's what spooks her. [7/25/2017 11:41:11 PM] aj: To me, though, evil needs malicious intent.  To just not care isn't evil in and of itself.  A lack of empathy, sure.  But evil has to be proactive. [7/25/2017 11:41:58 PM] aj: (Incidentally, the law seems to agree with me because this girl is being tried for manslaughter, which doesn't need malicious intent.) [7/25/2017 11:42:24 PM] aj: Anyways, I bring this up because people do a lot of stupid shit without intent. [7/25/2017 11:43:17 PM] girl: I agree [7/25/2017 11:43:42 PM] aj: Granted.  I'm sort of an asshole in my own interpretations of things, but I'll spare you that.  =P [7/25/2017 11:43:57 PM] girl: Though i dont think its excusable to be super lazy in trying to be at least somewhat empathetic [7/25/2017 11:45:07 PM] girl: I think people with a profound lack of empathy aren't really worth my time/that my specific brand of socialization and problems makes me easily hurt by people like that or easily annoyed [7/25/2017 11:45:13 PM] girl: By people [7/25/2017 11:45:16 PM] girl: Like that [7/25/2017 11:45:50 PM] aj: To a degree, I think empathy is related to socialization.  But I think a lot of it is also genetic and environmental. [7/25/2017 11:46:13 PM] aj: I don't think it's possible to be lazy in empathy.  Sympathy or compassion?  Maybe. [7/25/2017 11:46:31 PM] aj: Empathy is a lot less of a thing you turn on and off and a lot more a background thing. [7/25/2017 11:48:49 PM] girl: I guess compassion is more what I mean in those cases but I tend not to get along with people who lack empathy [7/25/2017 11:49:36 PM] girl: Mostly because I can't make mine stop, and its much easier to be around people who also are like that becayse we pick up on each others feelings really easily and are nice to each other and no one gets hurt or irritated [7/25/2017 11:49:57 PM] aj: This would explain one facet of your love/hate with me. [7/25/2017 11:51:16 PM] aj: I was a lot more empathetic when I was little, but that got throttled out of me and really has never returned.  I rarely feel like empathy is the best solution when trying to solve problems.  Granted, a lot of the time people just want to be heard and don't want you to solve shit, so that's cool. [7/25/2017 11:52:06 PM] girl: I don't think that's true at all [7/25/2017 11:52:16 PM] aj: Which part? [7/25/2017 11:52:29 PM] girl: The part about empathy not being a good way to solve problems [7/25/2017 11:53:13 PM] girl: Maybe not all of them but i think a lot of the highly empathetic women in my life, when theyve learned to kind of reign it in and not waste it on people who dont give a shit [7/25/2017 11:53:30 PM] girl: Are really good and likable leaders [7/25/2017 11:53:40 PM] girl: i just really love kitty too [7/25/2017 11:53:48 PM] girl: But so does everyone else [7/25/2017 11:53:52 PM] aj: Fair. [7/25/2017 11:54:05 PM] aj: I just don't think it's the best solution.  It's a good solution. [7/25/2017 11:54:18 PM] aj: and I think that in some degree it is involved in the best solutions. [7/25/2017 11:54:52 PM] girl: I think that's kind of an unfortunate and/or sad way to think. [7/25/2017 11:55:23 PM] aj: I think you're more optimistic about how long cooperation lasts between individuals and groups. [7/25/2017 11:55:44 PM] aj: I also think that how I think is a sad way to think, though. [7/25/2017 11:56:18 PM] aj: There's no right answer in this one, imo.  It just depends on what your values happen to be. [7/25/2017 11:57:20 PM] aj: Or, put differently, there are only right individual answers, but guiding principles beyond vague notions?  Eh. [7/25/2017 11:58:22 PM] girl: Are you confused/do you not understand why I feel the way I do about you, by the way? [7/25/2017 11:59:01 PM] aj: I don't know how to answer that question. [7/25/2017 11:59:35 PM] girl: ? [7/26/2017 12:00:09 AM] girl: I'm not desperate for an answer i just don't understand [7/26/2017 12:00:36 AM] aj: I know why. [7/26/2017 12:02:09 AM] girl: You just said something that made it sound like you didnt [7/26/2017 12:02:11 AM] girl: Thats all [7/26/2017 12:02:36 AM] aj: Ah, okay. [7/26/2017 12:03:25 AM] girl: What are you doing? [7/26/2017 12:03:39 AM] aj: Right now, looking at apartments. [7/26/2017 12:03:51 AM] girl: Ah [7/26/2017 12:04:06 AM] girl: I really like california but ive only ever been once [7/26/2017 12:04:30 AM] aj: The weather is nice.  I'm already anxious about the sheer amount of people there, though. [7/26/2017 12:04:48 AM] girl: No, twice, but the first time i was just going to maxs parents house becayse we decided on a whim we wanted to drive four hours to see some persian kittens [7/26/2017 12:05:19 AM] girl: I cried a lot because i loved each of them [7/26/2017 12:05:40 AM] girl: Theres a lot of people but... at least its not the east coast? [7/26/2017 12:06:00 AM] aj: I liked the east coast more. [7/26/2017 12:06:14 AM] aj: Or, at least the part above the Mason-Dixon line. [7/26/2017 12:06:52 AM] girl: Seems spooky [7/26/2017 12:06:57 AM] girl: But ive only been to ny [7/26/2017 12:07:12 AM] girl: But the people i know from jersey and florida are all freaks [7/26/2017 12:07:24 AM] aj: Heh [7/26/2017 12:10:06 AM] girl: I'm so out of it lately [7/26/2017 12:10:29 AM] aj: Yeah?  Well, it's not like your aunt has been helping. [7/26/2017 12:10:41 AM] girl: Haha [7/26/2017 12:10:46 AM] girl: Neither of them [7/26/2017 12:12:11 AM] girl: But mostly im just overwhelmingly foggy again, which is okay when im not sad, but its hard not to get frustrated when you have trpuble finishing sentences [7/26/2017 12:12:22 AM] girl: And im the kind of person who cries when im frustrated [7/26/2017 12:12:33 AM] aj: That makes sense.  Reading some of the stuff you wrote earlier made me feel sad. [7/26/2017 12:13:19 AM] girl: Haha [7/26/2017 12:13:29 AM] girl: I have to read it again, i kind of forgot [7/26/2017 12:14:29 AM] girl: Oh yeah [7/26/2017 12:14:35 AM] girl: I was feeling really fussy [7/26/2017 12:15:00 AM] girl: As i am apt to do [7/26/2017 12:15:26 AM] aj: I appreciated that. [7/26/2017 12:15:36 AM] girl: Appreciated whT? [7/26/2017 12:15:47 AM] aj: The explanation, and you mentioning how it feels. [7/26/2017 12:17:17 AM] aj: It's the difference between someone saying they feel sick [7/26/2017 12:17:41 AM] aj: and someone explaining what hurts or aches, and why. [7/26/2017 12:18:51 AM] girl: Silly to appreciate that from me, but a little weirdly heartwarming [7/26/2017 12:19:11 AM] aj: I always hit this same mental snag. [7/26/2017 12:19:23 AM] aj: Someone will say "I feel sick" or something, and I ask a little bit more but not too much. [7/26/2017 12:19:39 AM] aj: I can empathize, but I only have my own experiences to compare to what they say. [7/26/2017 12:20:00 AM] aj: So, I get bothered because I wonder if I am remembering my experiences and applying it to someone else and then feeling bad for them. [7/26/2017 12:20:20 AM] aj: and if that's true, aren't I just being selfish and imagining it all and I never really understood them but just think they feel what I do? [7/26/2017 12:20:43 AM] aj: But asking too many questions is also invasive. [7/26/2017 12:22:18 AM] girl: I don't think that matters much. All that sort of dumb nihilistic stuff is pretty true but if you feel something for someone and want them to be better when they're hurt and are happy when they're happy it's not... fake. Being a self serving person and relating to other people through yourself isnt fake or shallow [7/26/2017 12:22:46 AM] girl: And its not fake or shallow to not understand either [7/26/2017 12:22:58 AM] aj: You're right.  It still bothers me, though.  All of it. [7/26/2017 12:23:19 AM] aj: So I appreciate people that I care about telling me stuff, even if it's a lot of detail or something. [7/26/2017 12:23:35 AM] aj: Because it means I'm less likely to get caught in that loop. [7/26/2017 12:24:10 AM] girl: I'm glad its something you like and isnt annoying, then. [7/26/2017 12:25:01 AM] girl: Talking excessively always helps me more than it doesnt [7/26/2017 12:26:58 AM] girl: It's a lot easier to sort things out on paper or out loud or in text, even if its just to myself. Because im forgetful and sit at a sort of baseline where i dont think much about what im doing or feeling, so it helps me remember, and feel less lile theres something really annoying and painful bothering me that i cant figure out [7/26/2017 12:27:11 AM] girl: And journaling is kind of lonely haha [7/26/2017 12:29:10 AM] aj: That makes sense [7/26/2017 12:31:59 AM] girl: I worry about being a burden a lot too when i know i shouldnt care so much [7/26/2017 12:32:26 AM] girl: I'm always relieved when you dont think so but id know why if you did [7/26/2017 12:37:47 AM] aj:  /patpat [7/26/2017 12:37:59 AM] aj: I'd let you know if it was a burden. [7/26/2017 12:40:07 AM] girl: Haha [7/26/2017 12:40:16 AM] girl: I'd probably cry [7/26/2017 12:40:32 AM] aj: Probably. [7/26/2017 12:40:41 AM] aj: You'd also say something about being a princess, probably. [7/26/2017 12:40:50 AM] girl: I am a princess [7/26/2017 12:41:09 AM] aj: Mhm. [7/26/2017 12:41:57 AM] girl: Do you not think so? [7/26/2017 12:42:25 AM] aj: Hmm. [7/26/2017 12:42:28 AM] aj: You're... [7/26/2017 12:42:31 AM] aj: A Treasure Princess. [7/26/2017 12:42:50 AM] girl: I'm rolling my eyes [7/26/2017 12:43:03 AM] aj: Uh huh. [7/26/2017 12:43:57 AM] girl: I am a princess [7/26/2017 12:44:14 AM] girl: It's not my fault you don't believe me [7/26/2017 12:44:28 AM] aj: I just said you're a treasure princess. [7/26/2017 12:45:18 AM] girl: its disrespectful to put me on the same level as you... if you think you are...... treasure [7/26/2017 12:45:21 AM] girl: Garbage freak [7/26/2017 12:45:45 AM] aj: Such uncouth language for a princess. [7/26/2017 12:46:12 AM] girl: Princesses can say whateber they want to [7/26/2017 12:46:37 AM] aj: Commoners would think princesses are like that. [7/26/2017 12:46:52 AM] aj: Not that you're a commoner.  Just.  That's what commoners would think. [7/26/2017 12:48:18 AM] girl: Dogs don't get to talk to princesses like that (´ ∀ ` *) [7/26/2017 12:48:36 AM] aj: I agree. [7/26/2017 12:48:51 AM] aj: You should warn me if any princesses show up. [7/26/2017 12:49:05 AM] girl: Thats so mean [7/26/2017 12:49:22 AM] aj: You called me a dog. [7/26/2017 12:50:25 AM] girl: Dogs are cute~~ [7/26/2017 12:50:48 AM] aj: You're not saving it that way. [7/26/2017 12:51:14 AM] aj: Commoner. [7/26/2017 12:51:40 AM] girl: Dog! [7/26/2017 12:52:01 AM] girl: I'm a princess, and, everyone else thinks so, so... [7/26/2017 12:52:22 AM] aj: Oh, so that's what you're relying on, now. [7/26/2017 12:52:27 AM] aj: I mean, that's fine. [7/26/2017 12:53:14 AM] aj: You're free to believe what they tell you if that's what you want, and all.  I won't stop you. [7/26/2017 12:53:27 AM] girl: Youre so mean [7/26/2017 12:53:34 AM] girl: You are being so awful [7/26/2017 12:53:41 AM] aj: You started this. [7/26/2017 12:53:42 AM] girl: To such a nice girl? [7/26/2017 12:53:54 AM] aj: You started this. [7/26/2017 12:53:58 AM] girl: Oh my god. You're so awful. [7/26/2017 12:54:09 AM] girl: I'm feeling very gaslit tbh [7/26/2017 12:54:32 AM] aj: Fine, I won't say you started this. [7/26/2017 12:55:19 AM] aj: I will say that I have never heard of a story where a princess argues with a dog. [7/26/2017 12:55:28 AM] girl: Such a bad way to treat a girl who likes you so much :/. [7/26/2017 12:56:02 AM] aj: Someone still thinks I'm a dog. [7/26/2017 12:56:45 AM] girl: Because dogs are kind of cute and kind of dumb [7/26/2017 12:57:23 AM] girl: and even if they bite you a little its hard to be very mad (´ ∀ ` *) [7/26/2017 12:57:46 AM] girl: But i wont do it if it makes you feel fussy [7/26/2017 12:57:52 AM] aj: Then... [7/26/2017 12:57:54 AM] aj: if I'm a dog... [7/26/2017 12:58:07 AM] aj: It'll be hard for you to be mad at me if I say you aren't a princess! [7/26/2017 12:58:20 AM] girl: aj... [7/26/2017 12:58:28 AM] girl: I'm not mad. [7/26/2017 12:58:39 AM] girl: I'm just very disappointed. [7/26/2017 12:58:48 AM] girl: (´・ω・｀) [7/26/2017 12:58:48 AM] aj: I knew that was coming! [7/26/2017 12:59:01 AM] aj: Did it feel good when you typed it? [7/26/2017 12:59:04 AM] aj: I would have been laughing. [7/26/2017 12:59:14 AM] girl: (´・ω・｀) [7/26/2017 12:59:21 AM] aj: I'm almost jealous you got to do that one and not me. [7/26/2017 12:59:33 AM] girl: It never feels good to be disappointed by someone you thought was on your side.... [7/26/2017 12:59:42 AM] girl: But i manage, somehow [7/26/2017 12:59:51 AM] aj: You're so brave. [7/26/2017 12:59:55 AM] aj: The bravest. [7/26/2017 12:59:58 AM] aj: You. [7/26/2017 1:00:16 AM] girl: Yes its true im quite brave and strong and tall [7/26/2017 1:00:32 AM] girl: (´ ∀ ` *) i dont know how i do it all [7/26/2017 1:00:39 AM] aj: Two out of three ain't bade? [7/26/2017 1:00:42 AM] aj: bad, too. [7/26/2017 1:00:57 AM] girl: i guess it just comes with the territory u know? being a princess and all [7/26/2017 1:01:13 AM] aj: I wouldn't know, because I am all those things and not a princess. [7/26/2017 1:01:23 AM] aj: In fact, if I recall, I'm taller than you. [7/26/2017 1:01:24 AM] girl: You wont be saying that when i wear my tallman shoes....... [7/26/2017 1:01:28 AM] aj: Shock.  Dismay. [7/26/2017 1:01:40 AM] aj: I will, because it would be the shoes that are tall.  Not you. [7/26/2017 1:01:53 AM] aj: I will remark to the shoes that they are tall. [7/26/2017 1:02:10 AM] aj: and they will smile because they'd finally be recognized for it. [7/26/2017 1:02:13 AM] girl: http://www.tallmenshoes.com [7/26/2017 1:02:41 AM] girl: Tall man shoes ... five inch taller even [7/26/2017 1:02:55 AM] girl: I could be 6'1". No one would even know.. [7/26/2017 1:02:58 AM] aj: I should wear those, and tower over you even more. [7/26/2017 1:03:07 AM] girl: THEY ARE NOT FOR TALL FREAKS [7/26/2017 1:03:59 AM] girl: And anyway [7/26/2017 1:04:07 AM] aj: That's a response I'd expect from a short person. [7/26/2017 1:04:31 AM] girl: >:). Dogs arent so tall when theyre on all fours. [7/26/2017 1:04:40 AM] girl: Ew... emoji....... [7/26/2017 1:05:00 AM] girl: (avocadolove) [7/26/2017 1:05:16 AM] aj: I'm so lucky I disabled emojis. [7/26/2017 1:05:33 AM] girl: I need to lol they keep getting uglier [7/26/2017 1:05:49 AM] girl: It shocks me how fucking ugly they are ot makes me want to kill whoever is in charge of emojis [7/26/2017 1:06:09 AM] aj: and, I'd stride the world as a tall person, in tall person shoes [7/26/2017 1:06:12 AM] aj: and look down upon you. [7/26/2017 1:06:31 AM] girl: bigger are , harder fall (´ ∀ ` *) [7/26/2017 1:06:34 AM] aj: and ask you how the world of the dwarves was. [7/26/2017 1:06:44 AM] girl: ill kill you [7/26/2017 1:06:56 AM] aj: Not if my laughter does me in first. [7/26/2017 1:07:04 AM] girl: I'm not a dwarf [7/26/2017 1:07:15 AM] aj: Oh, right [7/26/2017 1:07:16 AM] aj: Sorry [7/26/2017 1:07:22 AM] aj: Dwarf Princess. [7/26/2017 1:07:23 AM] girl: I'm 5'6" and im too round to be a dwarf!! [7/26/2017 1:07:32 AM] girl: EAT SHIT AND DIE [7/26/2017 1:07:37 AM] aj: Dwarf Princesses are round, I think. [7/26/2017 1:07:51 AM] girl: Its different.... [7/26/2017 1:08:15 AM] girl: My proportions would look wrong on shortnessnand that is why im tall [7/26/2017 1:08:29 AM] girl: I'm reallt going to cry [7/26/2017 1:08:48 AM] girl: Its so mean to call me a DWARF dwarves are not cute!!! [7/26/2017 1:09:29 AM] girl: THEY ARE LIKE WEIRD GNOMES im not a gnome!!! Even if i like mushrooms!! It doesnt make me a gnome!! [7/26/2017 1:10:46 AM] girl: im too cute to be a gnome... even when im an old lady i will be cute and round and not like a gnome at all [7/26/2017 1:14:07 AM] girl: I hope the best apartment you can find is a hole in the ground with no natural lightinf so that you can sit in the dark by yourself and think about wjat youve done [7/26/2017 1:14:21 AM] aj: That's pretty comfy. [7/26/2017 1:14:25 AM] aj: By Dwarf standards. [7/26/2017 1:14:52 AM] girl: Why do you fluster me so much [7/26/2017 1:15:13 AM] girl: I shouldnt care about the opinion of some lousy dog [7/26/2017 1:15:41 AM] girl: Youre going to kill me you know? [7/26/2017 1:16:05 AM] girl: i can feel my blood pressure skyrocketing into the heavens nd soon i will die from it [7/26/2017 1:16:28 AM] aj: Can I have your Dwarven treasure after you die? [7/26/2017 1:16:53 AM] girl: Im crying i hate you [7/26/2017 1:17:05 AM] girl: I'm so fucking cute and nice and youre being so mean [7/26/2017 1:17:19 AM] girl: I'm a high stress individual!!! [7/26/2017 1:17:29 AM] girl: I cry at puppies!! [7/26/2017 1:17:45 AM] girl: I need TO BE TREATED TENDERLY [7/26/2017 1:18:22 AM] aj: You. [7/26/2017 1:18:24 AM] aj: Started. [7/26/2017 1:18:25 AM] aj: This. [7/26/2017 1:18:53 AM] girl: I'm SORRY! [7/26/2017 1:19:15 AM] girl: you're not a dog!! just a very mean and terrible man!! who makes girls cry! [7/26/2017 1:19:29 AM] aj: See, if you stopped at that first part? [7/26/2017 1:19:34 AM] aj: That first part right there? [7/26/2017 1:19:37 AM] aj: Perfection. [7/26/2017 1:20:02 AM] girl: :((( [7/26/2017 1:20:12 AM] aj: You just couldn't stop yourself, could you? [7/26/2017 1:20:17 AM] girl: be nice im a tender fucking woman [7/26/2017 1:20:33 AM] aj: I could make so many jokes on that phrasing. [7/26/2017 1:20:49 AM] girl: I AM A TENDER AND SOFT HEARTED GIRL !! [7/26/2017 1:21:01 AM] girl: ;_; [7/26/2017 1:21:58 AM] aj: and short.  Don't forget short. [7/26/2017 1:22:50 AM] girl: I'm not that short... [7/26/2017 1:23:24 AM] aj:  /headpat [7/26/2017 1:23:34 AM] aj: No, of course you're not, sweetie. [7/26/2017 1:25:01 AM] girl: Dont you sweetie me [7/26/2017 1:25:16 AM] girl: Two inches taller than average is at least a little tall... [7/26/2017 1:25:29 AM] girl: Plus im asian, so you have to give me some credit there [7/26/2017 1:25:51 AM] girl: like, my body has truly done all she can to become tall... shes doing a good job... [7/26/2017 1:26:26 AM] aj: I just agreed with you. [7/26/2017 1:26:32 AM] aj: I don't know what more you want. [7/26/2017 1:27:28 AM] aj: If only I could LIFT you out of this height obsession. [7/26/2017 1:27:34 AM] girl: I dont know im feeling sensitive okay!! [7/26/2017 1:27:53 AM] girl: you couldnt im very heavy and cumbersome to carry!! [7/26/2017 1:28:46 AM] aj: I could go for another shot or two at height, but I feel like being nice. [7/26/2017 1:30:27 AM] girl: wiki says most japanese women are 5'2"... four more inches is not BAD... [7/26/2017 1:30:40 AM] girl: I could probably carry YOU! I can carry ari [7/26/2017 1:30:59 AM] aj: Nah.  I could probably carry you, though. [7/26/2017 1:31:24 AM] girl: I could! Ari is taller than you... and used to be fatter.... im very talented!! [7/26/2017 1:32:21 AM] girl: Kitty can carry me but most people cannot... ari can sometimes [7/26/2017 1:33:10 AM] girl: but i carry ari all the time. Fun party trick little girlfriend carry big boyfriend. [7/26/2017 1:33:18 AM] aj: I'm like, 235 and around 15% bodyfat.  I haven't weighed myself recently. [7/26/2017 1:33:45 AM] girl: Ive carried ari at bigger (´・ω・｀) [7/26/2017 1:34:04 AM] girl: (´・ω・｀) im strong girl [7/26/2017 1:34:13 AM] aj: Yeah, now, I wanna know how much you weigh so I can say If I could carry you or not. [7/26/2017 1:35:06 AM] girl: I think around the same... maybe heavier or lighter depending on how much adderall im doing [7/26/2017 1:35:21 AM] aj: Same as me? [7/26/2017 1:35:35 AM] girl: Yeah! [7/26/2017 1:35:40 AM] aj: I could carry you. [7/26/2017 1:36:10 AM] girl: Nt for long bitch.... swallows 1000 protein powder [7/26/2017 1:36:23 AM] aj: Hmm. [7/26/2017 1:36:43 AM] aj: For at least half a minute.  Depends on how I was carrying you. [7/26/2017 1:37:12 AM] girl: I could carry you around my house (´ ∀ ` *) [7/26/2017 1:37:28 AM] aj: Yeah, but why would you, when I could carry you around your house. [7/26/2017 1:37:42 AM] girl: I CPULD spin you around probably [7/26/2017 1:37:51 AM] girl: I can spin hope around its quite cute [7/26/2017 1:38:38 AM] girl: Brittany my other dumb middle school friend is like the size of my forearm. I could probably throw her   [7/26/2017 1:39:03 AM] girl: the only thing i cant do is give you a ride on my back because youre a tall horrible freak [7/26/2017 1:39:59 AM] aj: You're being cute. [7/26/2017 1:41:11 AM] girl: im demonstrating that i am very strong and tall... Aggressive and territorial behavior [7/26/2017 1:41:33 AM] girl: dont fluster me [7/26/2017 1:42:01 AM] aj: I mean, you're being cute. [7/26/2017 1:42:28 AM] aj: I could spin you around, and pick you up.  Probably if I did it just right, you could ride on my back. [7/26/2017 1:42:43 AM] girl: That sounds fake and like a lie [7/26/2017 1:42:55 AM] aj: The back part I'm iffy on. [7/26/2017 1:43:08 AM] aj: The most I've put on my back is like, 225 pounds. [7/26/2017 1:43:44 AM] girl: don't call me cute.. i mean do because it nurtures my tender little ego but im flustered so [7/26/2017 1:43:56 AM] girl: i dont think ive ever been on anyomes back LOL [7/26/2017 1:44:10 AM] girl: except for when i was like, a kid [7/26/2017 1:44:31 AM] girl: I would be very scared about breakinf someones fucking spine [7/26/2017 1:45:19 AM] aj: I took up lifting weights like... I guess a year and a half ago, now.  My numbers aren't super impressive or anything.  Nor is my bodytype or anything, so I don't like mentioning it.  But my point is that for sure I could pick you up and spin you. [7/26/2017 1:45:46 AM] girl: I tried it for a little while but its so boring.... [7/26/2017 1:46:08 AM] aj: It's boring, but it's something I just do for me. [7/26/2017 1:46:19 AM] aj: I feel better when I do, and my posture is good now. [7/26/2017 1:46:22 AM] aj: So yeah. [7/26/2017 1:47:06 AM] girl: I compensate for my lack of arm strength by having rly strong legs from carrying around my fat little hips all day [7/26/2017 1:48:01 AM] aj: Sounds right. [7/26/2017 1:48:06 AM] girl: My hip width is extremely... cumbersome.... LOL. Speaking of which [7/26/2017 1:48:31 AM] aj: You'll fluster me if you keep being cute. [7/26/2017 1:48:50 AM] girl: You're flusterinf me you fucking idiot [7/26/2017 1:48:59 AM] girl: It's not cute... I should [7/26/2017 1:49:04 AM] girl: Draw something really quick [7/26/2017 1:49:24 AM] girl: I mean it IS cute when im standing up but its Like [7/26/2017 1:49:29 AM] girl: Let me justt [7/26/2017 1:53:28 AM] girl: Nnightmarish [7/26/2017 1:53:49 AM] aj:  /patpat [7/26/2017 1:53:58 AM] aj: Should I say the cute thing or should I spare you? [7/26/2017 1:54:36 AM] girl: Hmm [7/26/2017 1:55:11 AM] girl: Embarrassed / Pleased ratio approximation [7/26/2017 1:55:20 AM] girl: ? [7/26/2017 1:55:25 AM] aj: 1:1 [7/26/2017 1:55:53 AM] girl: Oh boy [7/26/2017 1:57:00 AM] girl: am i being praised or is it just to tease me [7/26/2017 1:57:23 AM] aj: Neither. [7/26/2017 1:57:57 AM] girl: Hmmmm... I guess I'm morw curious than afraid [7/26/2017 1:58:03 AM] girl: Hit me [7/26/2017 1:58:34 AM] aj: The text under the arrow is wrong. [7/26/2017 1:58:49 AM] aj: It should read: "Arm of big spoon goes here." [7/26/2017 1:59:03 AM] girl: AJ [7/26/2017 1:59:11 AM] girl: THATS SO FUCKING GAY LOL [7/26/2017 1:59:16 AM] aj: =P [7/26/2017 2:00:17 AM] girl: Dont you =p me you little demon [7/26/2017 2:00:40 AM] aj: Was it 1:1? [7/26/2017 2:01:00 AM] aj: I want to know if my approximation was correct. [7/26/2017 2:01:08 AM] girl: None of your business [7/26/2017 2:03:11 AM] aj: Hmmph. [7/26/2017 2:03:22 AM] girl: Baby. [7/26/2017 2:03:50 AM] aj: I was just pretty sure I was right on the dot for that approximation. [7/26/2017 2:06:21 AM] girl: I don't know [7/26/2017 2:06:59 AM] girl: It's embarrassing to keep thinking about [7/26/2017 2:07:11 AM] aj: Fair enough. [7/26/2017 2:07:19 AM] aj: and, I'll =P as I please. [7/26/2017 2:07:32 AM] girl: !! [7/26/2017 2:07:39 AM] girl: The nerve [7/26/2017 2:07:49 AM] aj: You appreciate it. [7/26/2017 2:09:24 AM] girl: Appreciate what? [7/26/2017 2:10:30 AM] aj: The nerve. [7/26/2017 2:10:56 AM] girl: Only sometimes, and mostly because im a masochist [7/26/2017 2:11:40 AM] girl: The other part of that being because its kind of fun to be shocked by someone's blatantly horrible behavior [7/26/2017 2:12:39 AM] girl: But I'm also a finnicky girl who wants exactly what i want most times and cries and cries of injustive when  things don't go my way. Sometimes. [7/26/2017 2:13:26 AM] girl: Well. Kitty says I chastise myself too much for having normal traumatized girl reactions to things but I also think I'm perfectly capable of being a brat. [7/26/2017 2:14:17 AM] girl: What im saying is yes, a little, but only when you do it right and don't trample on my sensitive and finnicky little heart [7/26/2017 2:14:29 AM] girl: =p is ugly too [7/26/2017 2:14:52 AM] aj: See you always add something on the end. [7/26/2017 2:15:21 AM] aj: and, considering any talking to you whatsoever is blatantly horrible behavior [7/26/2017 2:16:21 AM] aj: and you cry injustice and are a self-professed brat.  Well.  I don't really know what to say. [7/26/2017 2:17:48 AM] girl: That doesn't bother me much at the moment. I've come to terms with the fact that I am a sick baby who feels much more comforted when you're around than when you're not, so you only have to worry about that a little [7/26/2017 2:19:10 AM] girl: Like I said, do what you want but do your best not to make me cry. idiot [7/26/2017 2:22:28 AM] aj: I mostly just tease and try to listen to you. [7/26/2017 2:22:53 AM] aj: You're easily flustered, so I guess I do that, too. [7/26/2017 2:23:25 AM] aj: Sometimes I mean to.  Sometimes I don't.  I'm messed up, but I also realize that if I just cut contact with you, you'd hate me more than if I was around and messed up. [7/26/2017 2:24:38 AM] girl: Im not fussed [7/26/2017 2:24:51 AM] girl: Just being a little mean, not entirely on purpose [7/26/2017 2:25:00 AM | Removed 2:32:45 AM] aj: This message has been removed. [7/26/2017 2:25:06 AM] girl: Ew [7/26/2017 2:25:23 AM] girl: Looks like a power outlet [7/26/2017 2:26:21 AM] aj: Dummy. [7/26/2017 2:28:05 AM] girl: Youre a dummy... [7/26/2017 2:28:17 AM] girl: The face is too close together... eyes [7/26/2017 2:29:35 AM] girl: I feel like getting drunk but I dont feel like drinking like. Grand marnier by itself. 🙄🙄🙄🙄 [7/26/2017 2:30:13 AM] girl: Mostly because... its boring to be... understimulated... [7/26/2017 2:30:58 AM | Removed 2:32:27 AM] aj: This message has been removed. [7/26/2017 2:32:08 AM] girl: I hate it... [7/26/2017 2:33:05 AM] girl: Did you just delete that so you wouldnt have to look at the emoji... [7/26/2017 2:33:21 AM] aj: Yep. [7/26/2017 2:33:28 AM] girl: ...... [7/26/2017 2:34:15 AM] girl: Honestly [7/26/2017 2:34:28 AM] girl: At least i dont have to look at that stupid face [7/26/2017 2:34:38 AM] girl: (´ ∀ ` *) [7/26/2017 2:36:25 AM] girl: It's weird to me how i could still strangely feel so... actively... warm about you. It doesn't bother me much, I'm complicit whn it comes to caring about my own freak indulgences [7/26/2017 2:37:39 AM] girl: I didn't word that last part quite the way i wanted to but you get me [7/26/2017 2:37:58 AM] aj: Yeah, I understand. [7/26/2017 2:43:20 AM] girl: I am so [7/26/2017 2:45:59 AM] girl: Sad that [7/26/2017 2:46:15 AM] girl: This picture of a cat with impact text saying [7/26/2017 2:46:26 AM] girl: Hop in we are going to chernobyl isnt sending [7/26/2017 2:47:26 AM] aj:  /patpat [7/26/2017 2:47:46 AM] girl: Important picture [7/26/2017 2:48:50 AM] aj: I'm getting some rest. [7/26/2017 2:48:59 AM] aj: Sleep well when you do. [7/26/2017 2:49:10 AM] girl: I'm getting some [7/26/2017 2:49:17 AM] girl: alcohol in my sick litttle body [7/26/2017 2:49:24 AM] girl: 💤💤💤 [7/26/2017 2:50:24 AM] aj: I think that on every level, we probably drastically disagree with each other.  I think that those disagreements wouldn't be possible to reconcile, too.  But... [7/26/2017 2:50:35 AM] aj: I'm happy people like you exist, and that you exist. [7/26/2017 2:50:53 AM] girl: Thats gay [7/26/2017 2:51:02 AM] girl: Dont make me cry when im not even drunk at all [7/26/2017 2:51:51 AM] aj: Stupid. [7/26/2017 2:51:58 AM] girl: Youre stupid [7/26/2017 2:52:08 AM] aj: Yeah, I am. [7/26/2017 2:52:21 AM] girl: I knew you'd say that [7/26/2017 2:53:26 AM] girl: <3 bye [7/26/2017 2:53:32 AM] aj: It's the truth.  Seeya. [7/26/2017 5:36:30 AM | Removed 5:42:43 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [7/26/2017 5:36:45 AM | Removed 5:42:50 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [7/26/2017 5:37:25 AM | Removed 5:42:57 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [7/26/2017 5:37:35 AM | Removed 5:43:10 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [7/26/2017 5:41:21 AM | Removed 5:43:03 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [7/26/2017 5:42:40 AM | Removed 5:43:16 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [7/26/2017 11:32:22 AM] aj: Probably for the best that I didn't see that stuff, eh? [7/26/2017 11:33:04 AM] girl: Oh my god [7/26/2017 11:33:16 AM] girl: It tells you that i deleted things????? [7/26/2017 11:33:44 AM] aj: Mhm. [7/26/2017 11:34:31 AM] girl: Aye yi yi [7/26/2017 11:34:40 AM] girl: It wasn't anything serious [7/26/2017 11:34:47 AM] girl: I was just being embarrassing [7/26/2017 11:35:59 AM] girl: I was thinking abt texting you though but I didn't want to be obnoxious lol but if youre on later I have... even... more... family drama loool [7/26/2017 11:36:19 AM] girl: ari is like pisst [7/26/2017 11:37:12 AM] aj: Sorry to hear that last part.  I'll be on late, again. [7/26/2017 11:37:18 AM] aj: but might check this later. [7/26/2017 11:37:53 AM] aj: So you can if you like.  It's not obnoxious [7/26/2017 11:38:35 AM] girl: Mmkay [7/26/2017 11:39:33 AM] girl: I'm gonna eat waffles and caffeine the irritability away [7/26/2017 11:39:46 AM] aj:  /patpat [7/26/2017 11:40:07 AM] aj: Alright.  I was just concerned you were okay. [7/26/2017 11:56:38 AM] girl: Nah m fine [7/26/2017 11:56:48 AM] girl: Just annoyed and stressed [7/26/2017 12:29:43 PM] girl: This hot little mess LOL.... she had a fourth child after my brother came along. When she was already making her kids share rooms..... which is an interesting choice.... [7/26/2017 12:30:19 PM] girl: Likr maybe dont have another baby when your husband is never home and you've taken legal guardianship of my brother??? [7/26/2017 12:36:35 PM] girl: This is the daughter of the one who made the slightly insensitive racial comments [7/26/2017 3:17:32 PM] girl: Lol im su h a crybaby i hate her so fucking much [7/26/2017 3:23:08 PM] girl: I hate her sooo fucking much [7/26/2017 3:23:45 PM] girl: I'm not equipped to take care of a 15 year old but she clearly doesn't Fucking know how either [7/26/2017 3:24:20 PM] girl: Idfk what to do looool there are so many people im looking forward to never talking to again [7/26/2017 3:41:37 PM] girl: Anyway i hope she and her creep ass husband die alone [7/26/2017 6:03:04 PM] girl: Ohhh my god [7/26/2017 6:03:24 PM] girl: Sorry for all this but you did give me permission so im going on ahead but ahe fucking [7/26/2017 6:03:35 PM] girl: Left me this scary ass voice message [7/26/2017 6:04:39 PM] girl: She sounded like she was trying and failing to contain her rage by being peppy after i said well talk next week bc i need to figure thimhs out [7/26/2017 6:05:31 PM] girl: And she like immediately called me after I said like, no, you just sprung this on me out of nowhere, im gonna call you next week lol [7/26/2017 6:08:02 PM] girl: Seemed like a creepy little way to try and assert power over mw lol shes like the younger morw evil version of her already quite evil and annoying mother [7/26/2017 9:20:01 PM] girl: Sweaty..... [7/26/2017 11:25:42 PM] girl: I slept a lot in bed and its so hot.... [7/27/2017 1:33:50 AM] girl: Anyway thats my. Psycho aunt problems and mow im a bit drunk again but its ooookay [7/27/2017 1:33:56 AM] girl: Cousin i mean [7/27/2017 1:33:59 AM] girl: Whatever. [7/27/2017 1:34:18 AM] girl: I'm making an egg at 1:30 am bc i respect myswlf [7/27/2017 1:42:16 AM] girl: Hmm [7/27/2017 1:42:21 AM] girl: Sometimes in life [7/27/2017 1:42:26 AM] girl: You are just [7/27/2017 1:42:41 AM] girl: Drunk enough to rhink that the cinammon is paprika :((( [7/27/2017 1:54:30 AM] aj: lmao [7/27/2017 1:54:34 AM] aj: Fail. [7/27/2017 1:55:23 AM] girl: Im shocked [7/27/2017 1:55:27 AM] girl: You said [7/27/2017 1:55:32 AM] girl: fail... [7/27/2017 1:55:54 AM] aj: You added cinnamon instead of paprika. [7/27/2017 1:55:58 AM] aj: What else was I supposed to say? [7/27/2017 1:56:20 AM] girl: I'm INEBNRIATED [7/27/2017 1:56:38 AM] aj: Sure, that means it's funny on top of being stupid. [7/27/2017 1:56:43 AM] aj: Instead of just being stupid. [7/27/2017 1:57:31 AM] girl: i thought it would be okay to. Um. [7/27/2017 1:58:07 AM] girl: Finish my boyfriends drink even though i know im a little fucking light weight. And. It wasn't as okay as i initially thought it would be [7/27/2017 1:58:47 AM] aj: You suffer from a chronic case of bad judgment, don't you? [7/27/2017 1:59:38 AM] girl: Shut up??? [7/27/2017 2:00:05 AM] girl: Anywathats my drama [7/27/2017 2:00:29 AM] girl: I'm fucking love lana del rey and i cannot wait to be estranged from most of my family or they die [7/27/2017 2:14:59 AM] aj: Heh.  I'm getting some rest. [7/27/2017 2:15:09 AM] aj: Sleep well when you do.  Don't make more dumb mistakes. [7/27/2017 2:15:34 AM] girl: Yourw dumb [7/27/2017 2:15:36 AM] girl: Idiot [7/27/2017 2:16:01 AM] aj: I'm not cinnamon-in-my-eggs dumb [7/27/2017 2:16:22 AM] girl: Shut up [7/27/2017 2:16:26 AM] girl: Thats not my fault [7/27/2017 2:16:33 AM] girl: The bottles look VERY SIMILAR [7/27/2017 2:16:58 AM] aj: I can't imagine who else could be at fault. [7/27/2017 2:17:13 AM] girl: Oh my god [7/27/2017 2:17:20 AM] girl: Piss off, eat shit and Die [7/27/2017 2:17:31 AM] girl: It was a really hard time [7/27/2017 12:13:42 PM] girl: Hhh [7/27/2017 12:13:52 PM] girl: Im s tired [7/27/2017 10:14:41 PM] girl: why is everyone so fucked up and inappropriate [7/27/2017 10:14:54 PM] girl: so so fucked up and inappropriate it is SHOCKING and offensive?! [7/27/2017 10:16:58 PM] girl: this girl elliot just came over and told me about all this shit my lesbian friends i have a lot of lesbian.friends. did in the woods. when they hung out together. and one of them said 'wow you have saggy old lady tits just like me' to some other girl and its like UM THAT'S INAPPROPRIATE MISS [7/27/2017 10:18:04 PM] girl: act fucking normal you fucking freak. she then left her a note later (everyone was leaving notes. to each other) about how she 'saw (herself) in (the other girl) and (her) pendulum breasts' [7/27/2017 10:19:10 PM] girl: IF ANYONE EVER SAID THAT TO ME ID FUCKING DECK THEM!!! [7/27/2017 10:19:36 PM] girl: i was shocked. shocked. i was shaken to my fucking core i could not believe that sick little freak said that. and also she said it to like a fat girl and she is NOT FAT and it's NOT THE SAME and it was fucked up of her. i would throw her to jail [7/28/2017 2:18:35 AM] aj: I'm shocked.  Absolutely shocked.  I was under the impression that lesbians were the last bastion of appropriate and inoffensive behavior. [7/28/2017 2:19:20 AM] aj: But really, everyone is messed up. [7/28/2017 2:19:26 AM] aj: That transcends all boundaries. [7/28/2017 2:26:10 AM] girl: Aj [7/28/2017 2:26:49 AM] girl: There are a lot of lesbians who are good and right and there are a lot of lesbians who do their best despite being a bit on the spectrum [7/28/2017 2:27:00 AM] aj: Isn't that the same for everyone? [7/28/2017 2:27:22 AM] girl: No you fool [7/28/2017 2:28:49 AM] girl: Lesbian community is like a bunch of normal girls and a bunch of like very sensitive freaks yelling and mostly wveruone gets alomg because it's understood that you let screamers scream and gently guide them away from spiraling into hell [7/28/2017 2:29:27 AM] girl: Im not a lespbian but im the favorite bihet [7/28/2017 2:29:32 AM] aj: I fail to see how that's different from most other groupings in humanity, aside from orientation. [7/28/2017 2:30:13 AM] aj: Your description covers most of humanity, in one form or another. [7/28/2017 2:30:19 AM] girl: Less explicit focus on hierarchy in my experience [7/28/2017 2:30:32 AM] girl: And nobody gets along [7/28/2017 2:31:50 AM] aj: I'll give you the hierarchy thing.  But that seems more common in female dominant groups? [7/28/2017 2:32:11 AM] girl: What does [7/28/2017 2:32:31 AM] aj: Female dominant groups seem less focused on strictly defined hierarchies. [7/28/2017 2:32:43 AM] aj: They still exist, but they're less overt, is what I mean. [7/28/2017 2:32:48 AM] girl: Yeah [7/28/2017 2:33:13 AM] girl: They also like to hang out in the woods together. Like a lot [7/28/2017 2:33:29 AM] girl: I was gonna go hang out in the woods but i really hate camping a lot [7/28/2017 2:33:57 AM] aj: but I think that's more intrinsic to female group behavior than lesbians.  I actually wonder if it'd be less than het groups of women, due to some signaling coming from lesbians that go for more butch attitudes/mannerisms. [7/28/2017 2:34:19 AM] aj: I'm speaking out of my depth of experience, so don't take anything I say as stuff other than speculation. [7/28/2017 2:35:50 AM] girl: It's a topic i have a lot of theories on. I think with het women there is. A tendency to preen weirdly but even so i like the company of girls alone and the absence of someone were all intimidated by [7/28/2017 2:36:30 AM] girl: I don't talk about it much though [7/28/2017 2:36:48 AM] aj: Yeah, I've noticed the het women preening or a hierarchy that forms.  But considering I'm a man, the only time I can observe it is when some or all of that group is around men.  Privately, it might be wholly different.  All male groups act entirely different when not around females. [7/28/2017 2:37:09 AM] aj: I just have no idea how lesbians organize, esp. in the absence of men. [7/28/2017 2:37:44 AM] girl: Yeah. Girls are much more quiet and conscious of their speech patterns and posture around men and i find it a little [7/28/2017 2:37:47 AM] girl: Heartbreaking [7/28/2017 2:39:00 AM] girl: I do it too lol but men treat girls better and more like people they want to be close to and people they can tryst if they also think they have a chance with thwm romantically. In my... experience [7/28/2017 2:39:10 AM] aj: Men are much more competitive and prone to throwing each other under the bus if female attention is available.  Without females around, men usually take a little time to establish a hierarchy, and then everyone cooperates really, really well. [7/28/2017 2:40:11 AM] aj: Yeah, you're right in that.  But without that pressure for female attention, men are more able to be open with each other.  Even emotionally.  It's really sad because I've seen guys do each other wrong over stupid, stupid shit that had to do with the opposite sex. [7/28/2017 2:40:54 AM] girl: Like even with girls ive been attracted or girls who have been attracted to me or both to ive been able to be really close to without feeling my relationship is going to disappear if nothing happens in that department [7/28/2017 2:41:26 AM] girl: And with men I consistently hit a wall there i think [7/28/2017 2:42:21 AM] girl: Like i can only get so close to a Man [7/28/2017 2:42:51 AM] girl: Unless I also want to be his girlfriend or his mommy lol [7/28/2017 2:43:32 AM] girl: Which really doesn't help my self esteem but thats why i hang out with lesbians who love me despite my glaring faults like being a little bihet (´・ω・｀) [7/28/2017 2:43:44 AM] aj: That's understandable. [7/28/2017 2:44:29 AM] aj: Men work differently, I think.  Everything I'm about to say could be torn to pieces by someone who studies that field for a living.  But... [7/28/2017 2:46:36 AM] aj: Even if we were somehow a fully equal society.  I think that the men who reproduced, for a long period of time, were the ones that had stronger provider instincts.  I think that correlating with this provider instinct is also an inability to differentiate emotional closeness from romantic notions. [7/28/2017 2:47:32 AM] aj: We could say it's socialization and culture and we just need to raise men differently, but I feel like there are compelling biological reasons that have some hand in this, at a vague level? [7/28/2017 2:48:11 AM] aj: and the only thing I can think of that would make it biological is long-term selection for certain traits. [7/28/2017 2:49:02 AM] girl: I'm not really bothered by the idea that things are biologically different but I think men are brought up sickly [7/28/2017 2:49:55 AM] girl: It doesn't matter much [7/28/2017 2:50:35 AM] aj: In three generations, every last expectation that men were supposed to meet has been upended.  We're in this weird mix and it's difficult to adapt.  Like trying to wear baby shoes as an adolescent. [7/28/2017 2:50:45 AM] aj: I agree there are problems with how men are brought up. [7/28/2017 2:51:06 AM] aj: I just really don't have a solution. [7/28/2017 2:51:42 AM] aj: It's possible that cultural changes will only accelerate more and more, requiring people to constantly socialize.  Like some sort of Red Queen Alice in Wonderland shit.  I dunno. [7/28/2017 2:52:08 AM] aj: Or that we get a new norm as things stratify again.  Or the modern world shits itself and we unlearn everything. [7/28/2017 2:52:19 AM] aj: But, yeah.  Men are brought up wrong. [7/28/2017 2:52:42 AM] girl: You know, whatever gets less horrible men in my life is a okay with me [7/28/2017 2:52:49 AM] aj: Heh. [7/28/2017 2:53:06 AM] aj: I could stop talking with you.  That'd be one less horrible man in your life.  =P [7/28/2017 2:53:33 AM] girl: Too late for that one, I think [7/28/2017 2:54:49 AM] girl: I'm just tired of it, idk. [7/28/2017 2:55:00 AM] aj:  /patpat [7/28/2017 2:56:10 AM] girl: Getting drunk feels awful and im glad im not drunk [7/28/2017 2:56:26 AM] aj: I'm moving soon. [7/28/2017 2:56:33 AM] girl: Me too [7/28/2017 2:56:34 AM] aj: Probably the week after next.  Maybe sooner. [7/28/2017 2:56:49 AM] girl: Did you find somewhere? [7/28/2017 2:56:56 AM] aj: So, I won't be around so much for conversations like this.  I'll have to start getting ready for the next semester.  Yeah. [7/28/2017 2:57:18 AM] girl: That's kind of sad but I'll survive. [7/28/2017 2:57:29 AM] aj: The person I was going to move out with decided he suddenly didn't want to transfer [7/28/2017 2:57:33 AM] aj: so I'm going all by myself. [7/28/2017 2:57:47 AM] aj: and basically know nobody, where I'm headed. [7/28/2017 2:58:36 AM] aj: I'll be fine, but the thought of it all is making me think a lot about what I've been up to.  I legitimately pulled a friend out of a spiral of depression, and I think he has the tools now to live an okay life.  I feel really good about it. [7/28/2017 2:59:18 AM] aj: I'm cool with my family, and feel bad about leaving. [7/28/2017 2:59:29 AM] aj: but I have a really good opportunity. [7/28/2017 2:59:30 AM] girl: Haha [7/28/2017 2:59:35 AM] girl: That makes one of us [7/28/2017 2:59:41 AM] aj: Yeah. [7/28/2017 3:00:04 AM] aj: I'm scared, in a sense. [7/28/2017 3:00:25 AM] aj: Because, looking at it all as I'm about to go, I'm pretty happy. [7/28/2017 3:01:11 AM] girl: I hope it's fine. California is so pretty and arizona sucks ass no offense. It's very very pretty and honey vanilla lattes at urth are all i live for and I really want one rn but i cant because im not in california [7/28/2017 3:01:20 AM] aj: But I think that I'm someone who'll never be happy while I'm doing stuff like this.  Like, I'm happy I got to this point.  But I never had that moment where I went "I'm happy" while it was happening. [7/28/2017 3:01:36 AM] aj: and I'm fine with being that sort of person. [7/28/2017 3:01:43 AM] girl: Doing stuff like whT [7/28/2017 3:01:52 AM] aj: Either I'm so caught up in things I don't have time to think about it. [7/28/2017 3:02:11 AM] aj: Academics.  Spending time with friends.  Hobbies.  Lots of reading and contemplating. [7/28/2017 3:02:16 AM] aj: Some work. [7/28/2017 3:02:37 AM] aj: I get caught up in doing things and don't realize I'm happy until radical shifts in my habits or schedule comes in. [7/28/2017 3:02:58 AM] aj: Which makes it hard to change because then I have things that I realize make me happy, versus new things. [7/28/2017 3:03:00 AM] girl: What does make you happy? [7/28/2017 3:03:19 AM] aj: Looking back and knowing that I made the lives of people around me better.. [7/28/2017 3:03:34 AM] aj: My sister and mom are happier people, now. [7/28/2017 3:03:39 AM] aj: and I played a good role in that. [7/28/2017 3:03:43 AM] aj: Same with my friends. [7/28/2017 3:04:26 AM] girl: That's a really big and complicated thing to feel happy about. A good thing to feel happy about but [7/28/2017 3:04:57 AM] aj: When I get busy doing things, I don't really feel where the time goes, so I don't experience it as a happy thing. [7/28/2017 3:05:06 AM] aj: At best, I'll feel spent and feel okay about my efforts. [7/28/2017 3:05:22 AM] aj: but that's not like, happy. [7/28/2017 3:05:45 AM] girl: I think I've turned into a very simple girl in some aspects. Have you tried looking into the eyes of your cat lately? It's sad to me that you can only feel like you're satisfied looking behind you [7/28/2017 3:06:48 AM] girl: But i think when i stopped being so horrifically traumatized i turned back into some kind of woman child [7/28/2017 3:07:00 AM] aj: I didn't, but I picked him up and held him like he liked when he was a kitten.  He's orange and white and got fur all over my black shirt, but  he enjoyed it.  I rubbed his belly. [7/28/2017 3:07:02 AM] aj: It was good. [7/28/2017 3:07:18 AM] girl: I didnt know you really had a cat [7/28/2017 3:07:23 AM] girl: I feel like crying [7/28/2017 3:07:29 AM] girl: Thats such a relief..... [7/28/2017 3:07:29 AM] aj: He's a sweetie. [7/28/2017 3:07:36 AM] aj: Same with our puppy. [7/28/2017 3:07:41 AM] girl: They're so important [7/28/2017 3:07:46 AM] girl: AAAAAHHHHH [7/28/2017 3:07:54 AM] girl: pics pics pics pics pics pics pics [7/28/2017 3:07:55 AM] aj: We got him when he was 8 weeks.  He had parvo.  German Shepherd. [7/28/2017 3:08:10 AM] girl: I'm wheezing [7/28/2017 3:08:18 AM] aj: So, my mother, sister, and I spent a whole week and a half.  One of us up with him, 24/7. [7/28/2017 3:08:26 AM] aj: He nearly died.  We pulled him through it. [7/28/2017 3:08:46 AM] aj: It would have broken my mother's heart, so I took all of the night shifts, and about a solid week off of classes. [7/28/2017 3:08:56 AM] aj: The only reason I could do that is because my professors all loved me. [7/28/2017 3:09:01 AM] girl: Cats and dogs are so importany.... thats so important... that you love that fucking dog... i could just die. Oh my god   [7/28/2017 3:09:02 AM] aj: But yeah. [7/28/2017 3:09:05 AM] girl: Aj... [7/28/2017 3:09:12 AM] girl: Thtats too fucking sweet [7/28/2017 3:09:25 AM] aj: The first night he got here, I slept outside with him.  He came from a litter of 8 and they all slept outside. [7/28/2017 3:09:33 AM] aj: So the first night, I spent out in the back yard with him so he'd be comfy. [7/28/2017 3:10:06 AM] girl: I could just die [7/28/2017 3:10:08 AM] aj: He's a sweetie now.  Really smart.  Really playful. [7/28/2017 3:10:12 AM] aj: You'd never know he was sick. [7/28/2017 3:10:20 AM] girl: I'm being very vocal about it [7/28/2017 3:10:34 AM] girl: It hurts im fucking asthmatic [7/28/2017 3:10:41 AM] girl: What the fuck [7/28/2017 3:10:57 AM] girl: How could you fucking say any of that [7/28/2017 3:11:17 AM] aj: Our old German Shepherd passed last year, and my mom finally settled on another one, because she needs a good animal companion.  New puppy has the same name as the nickname of our old dog.  We took that as a sign. [7/28/2017 3:11:42 AM] aj: So, when he arrived, and when he got sick, I put everything on hold because it would have broke my mom if he died. [7/28/2017 3:11:51 AM] girl: Aj what the fuck you love her and you love that fucking dog [7/28/2017 3:12:01 AM] girl: Thats too fucking sweet [7/28/2017 3:12:04 AM] aj: Especially since our close friend suicide. [7/28/2017 3:12:16 AM] girl: Youre so fucking nice to her [7/28/2017 3:12:36 AM] girl: I cant even think about it [7/28/2017 3:13:16 AM] girl: I'm so overwhelmed lol im sorry i cant believe yoursweet dog is so healthy and so sweet and probably has perfect paws [7/28/2017 3:13:43 AM] aj: I don't have any pictures on my computer.  I can text you a few if you want. [7/28/2017 3:13:56 AM] aj: I realize you having my number is probably the last thing that should happen. [7/28/2017 3:14:02 AM] aj: But eh. [7/28/2017 3:14:08 AM] girl: 4257706054 [7/28/2017 3:14:22 AM] girl: im. Desperate [7/28/2017 3:16:18 AM] girl: I cant stop like dry sobbing thinking about dogs fuck [7/28/2017 3:16:48 AM] girl: Sushi and wasabi are at aris moms house and they are fucking fat as sin [7/28/2017 3:17:12 AM] girl: Bc were moving and. I dont aant them to escape or go through more stress than usual [7/28/2017 3:17:39 AM] girl: But opwning a can of tuna and not having some FAT FUCK screaming at you desperately for it is heartbreaking [7/28/2017 3:17:52 AM] aj: That's puppy him.  When he was fiiiiiiiiiiirst first here. [7/28/2017 3:18:42 AM] girl: LOL WHAT THE FUCK [7/28/2017 3:19:13 AM] girl: YOUR CATTTT [7/28/2017 3:19:23 AM] aj: They're friends. [7/28/2017 3:20:01 AM] aj: and there's a video of him, much more recently. [7/28/2017 3:20:11 AM] aj: He used to be afraid of the hose, but he now does stuff like that. [7/28/2017 3:20:18 AM] aj: The hose is big fun, now. [7/28/2017 3:21:04 AM] girl: What The Fuck [7/28/2017 3:21:31 AM] girl: Im so fucking overwhelmed what is his name... and the cats... theyre so fucking beautiful [7/28/2017 3:21:47 AM] aj: The dog's name is Moose. [7/28/2017 3:21:55 AM] aj: Our old dog's nickname was Moose. [7/28/2017 3:22:17 AM] aj: The cat's name is Fritz. [7/28/2017 3:22:34 AM] girl: I' need like a fucking xanax it just isnt right theyre both so fucking sweet its just not fucking right [7/28/2017 3:22:59 AM] aj: When Moose gets playful, he still sort of nips like a puppy [7/28/2017 3:23:08 AM] aj: So he's sometimes Battle Moose.  Or Bitey Moose. [7/28/2017 3:23:28 AM] aj: Or Moose Gatorious.  Like Alligator, only sort of if it were Roman. [7/28/2017 3:23:42 AM] girl: I cant handle this [7/28/2017 3:23:50 AM] girl: Hes so fucking sweet [7/28/2017 3:24:13 AM] aj: Yeah.  We all fell in love with him the moment we saw him. [7/28/2017 3:24:23 AM] girl: Bitch me the fuck too!!! [7/28/2017 3:24:31 AM] aj: =P [7/28/2017 3:24:35 AM] aj: and soon I have to leave him [7/28/2017 3:24:43 AM] aj: But I know he'll be a good dog for my mom and sister. [7/28/2017 3:24:51 AM] aj: He's big and he's learning obedience stuff. [7/28/2017 3:24:59 AM] aj: and so the two of them will feel safer with him around. [7/28/2017 3:25:08 AM] girl: he would never forget you or stop loving you [7/28/2017 3:25:28 AM] girl: Your cat is so fuckingb beautiful [7/28/2017 3:25:29 AM] aj: I know.  He's my baby boy.  He'll be happy when I come home to visit. [7/28/2017 3:25:58 AM] aj: Fritz is way cool.  He's super aloof outside, which is good.  If he was cuddly to strangers, it would be bad.  But when he's indoors, he's a big love. [7/28/2017 3:26:54 AM] girl: I carry treats around in my pocket for cats outside lol [7/28/2017 3:27:03 AM] girl: i would charm the pants off your cat [7/28/2017 3:27:26 AM] aj: The only time he was cool with me is when I spent literally 5 minutes slowly approaching him [7/28/2017 3:27:30 AM] aj: and he was on a brick wall [7/28/2017 3:27:40 AM] aj: giving me his aloof "I am in a higher spot than you, human" look [7/28/2017 3:27:48 AM] girl: LOL [7/28/2017 3:27:56 AM] aj: but he fell prey to headscritches. [7/28/2017 3:28:03 AM] aj: and got all purry [7/28/2017 3:28:04 AM] girl: As they tend to do [7/28/2017 3:28:07 AM] aj: before leaving in a huff. [7/28/2017 3:28:21 AM] aj: Of course, the wall was like, nearly 7 feet high. [7/28/2017 3:28:31 AM] aj: So my cat would have been safe from you, unless you had a ladder. [7/28/2017 3:28:38 AM] girl: i used to get in trouble a lot or at least get weird looks bc i sit in peoples driveways and pet their cats [7/28/2017 3:28:41 AM] girl: Shut the fuck up [7/28/2017 3:30:16 AM] girl: I think the college kids find it more endearing than my old neighbors did lol but i keep track of where ive seen cats and sit on the ground and wait for them.... [7/28/2017 3:30:24 AM] girl: I love your dog and cat so much [7/28/2017 3:30:35 AM] aj: They're sweeties. [7/28/2017 3:30:50 AM] girl: I would die for them [7/28/2017 3:31:15 AM] aj: Dog gets spoiled so much.  After he started being able to take food again, my mom would make him chicken and rice. [7/28/2017 3:31:27 AM] aj: So, he still gets some boiled chicken and white rice, even months later. [7/28/2017 3:31:30 AM] girl: Hello [7/28/2017 3:31:34 AM] girl: He should be [7/28/2017 3:31:40 AM] aj: Every time he hits a healthy weight, he then has a growth spurt. [7/28/2017 3:31:47 AM] aj: So he's not even 6 months old, and will be like [7/28/2017 3:31:49 AM] aj: 70 pounds. [7/28/2017 3:31:52 AM] girl: Good [7/28/2017 3:31:55 AM] aj: Yeah. [7/28/2017 3:32:07 AM] aj: We just joke that he'll keep it up at this rate and be a truly giant dog. [7/28/2017 3:32:48 AM] girl: I had a big elderly dog named max (terrible dog name, not my choice not my decision) who put his big fat head in my lap and had floppy little ears and was so big people crossed the street to avoid me and him [7/28/2017 3:33:08 AM] aj: d'awww [7/28/2017 3:33:59 AM] girl: Theyre very shockingly fat [7/28/2017 3:34:28 AM] aj: They are precious fur-babies. [7/28/2017 3:34:41 AM] girl: I don't know why. They have alwats been this way, and wasabi likes to be picked up and put on his back like a human infant [7/28/2017 3:34:47 AM] girl: Theyre fat [7/28/2017 3:35:04 AM] girl: Speaking of max, other max, kittys girlfriend, sent this, to me, in the mail? [7/28/2017 3:35:19 AM] aj: I am getting your cats if all of your next of kin perish in some freak tandem bicycle accident. [7/28/2017 3:36:15 AM] girl: Only if you promise to first love them and die for them if they ask like i would, and only if you promise to call them bastards in a shocked and offended voice at least once a dat [7/28/2017 3:36:17 AM] girl: Day [7/28/2017 3:36:18 AM] aj: Hahahahaha [7/28/2017 3:36:47 AM] girl: Max and kitty made this enormous pdf about how to take care of and nurture their precious baby bunny god forbid they are ever unable to care for her [7/28/2017 3:37:49 AM] girl: Its soooo good [7/28/2017 3:38:04 AM] aj: d'awww [7/28/2017 3:38:08 AM] girl: Bunny is a cat BTW not a bunny i would fucking die for her shes so fucking fat ughhhh [7/28/2017 3:38:36 AM] girl: Lol can you tell im unmedicated for One Or More Things. I can [7/28/2017 3:38:55 AM] girl: Shut up girl LOL jk id never fucking shut up abojt cats [7/28/2017 3:39:25 AM] girl: Aj its sooo fucked up its so beautiful i read it to aris mom and she died for it [7/28/2017 3:39:33 AM] girl: I think we would all die for bunny [7/28/2017 3:39:49 AM] girl: bunnifer evangeline [7/28/2017 3:40:24 AM] girl: And her slightly uglier and less loving but still good and worthy of human sacrifice brother, roswell, [7/28/2017 3:40:50 AM] aj: Roswell is the hero we need, but don't deserve. [7/28/2017 3:40:58 AM] aj: I need not know anything about this creature. [7/28/2017 3:41:18 AM] aj: He was purposed on high to serve a role that no mortal may know or understand. [7/28/2017 3:41:28 AM] aj: But we're all better for his presence in this world. [7/28/2017 3:41:34 AM] aj: (I like the name.) [7/28/2017 3:41:56 AM] girl: They also have two retarded cats from this hoarder house wthat i think just has a population of purebreds who fucked each other until all the babies were stupid that both just wandered into their house [7/28/2017 3:42:08 AM] girl: And they are fucking beautiful and stupid as shit [7/28/2017 3:42:53 AM] aj: lmao [7/28/2017 3:43:02 AM] girl: Dandy is like my cats long lost beautiful and stupud brother and I very obviously covet him and am jealous that he isnt mine [7/28/2017 3:43:32 AM] girl: And pebble is beautiful and has partial albinism and is sooo fucking stupid and cries very softly in protest when you pick him up [7/28/2017 3:43:52 AM] girl: Im lile hyperventilating thinking about the last time i held him in my arms [7/28/2017 3:45:27 AM] girl: HES SO FUCKING STUPID it drives me CRAZY i love him so fucking much im sorry honestly rhis is me unfiltered and my wntire personality is that i fucking love cats and dogs and most other mammals and i cant fucking help it and it makes me die and i cant believe how fucking stupud pebble is and i feel like i could just die for any cat or dog [7/28/2017 3:45:54 AM] aj: It's fine.  I just need to shower and sleep, shortly. [7/28/2017 3:45:58 AM] girl: I left the room because ari was becoming worried and said honey theres just dogs in thw world [7/28/2017 3:46:09 AM] girl: Who showers at 4 am [7/28/2017 3:46:46 AM] aj: Someone who finished swimming before talking with you. [7/28/2017 3:47:01 AM] girl: Who swims at 2 am... [7/28/2017 3:47:07 AM] aj: Arizonans. [7/28/2017 3:47:11 AM] girl: sicko [7/28/2017 3:47:14 AM] aj: The pool is like [7/28/2017 3:47:16 AM] aj: 90 degrees. [7/28/2017 3:47:19 AM] aj: Perfect. [7/28/2017 3:47:19 AM] girl: I hate arizona [7/28/2017 3:48:25 AM] girl: Next time ur in a pool blast lana del reys new album and think of me dramatically and think of us (me and lana) looking deeply into each others eyes itll probably make your experience better [7/28/2017 3:48:55 AM] girl: Ari said he didnt like her hair and I honestly told him to fuck off and stop talking [7/28/2017 3:49:02 AM] aj: Aside from talking to you, I'm reading the RAND Corporation 2016 study on transgender people and military integration.  All the news articles mention it, but only one fucking linked to it and I am happy they did.  Reading the actual study is interesting because the researchers hedge a shit ton because sample sizes are so small. [7/28/2017 3:49:08 AM] aj: But it's interesting how thorough it is. [7/28/2017 3:49:27 AM] girl: I do not think about transgender issues ANY more [7/28/2017 3:50:03 AM] girl: but im glad you found something interesting to read [7/28/2017 3:50:18 AM] aj: I think probably the military would be just best as a guy only thing.  It is a shit job anyways.  But I know how terrible that sounds.  Anyways.  We don't live in a world where my opinion matters much. [7/28/2017 3:50:58 AM] aj: So I at least try and read the research people on each side offer for this. [7/28/2017 3:51:16 AM] girl: I think it is not healthy for your brain to be in the military and i would be overjoyed to never ever be drafted ever [7/28/2017 3:51:33 AM] girl: Amen [7/28/2017 3:51:34 AM] aj: I'd agree with that. [7/28/2017 3:52:07 AM] girl: I have never met any military men who ive been like wow that seems like someone who is safe and fun to be around and doesnt get mad when he drinks [7/28/2017 3:52:22 AM] aj: I don't get mad when I drink. [7/28/2017 3:52:29 AM] aj: But I'm houseplant levels of exciting. [7/28/2017 3:52:37 AM] aj: So, probably not fun to be around. [7/28/2017 3:52:45 AM] aj: and safe?  Nah. [7/28/2017 3:53:02 AM] aj: (Protip: I don't drink.) [7/28/2017 3:53:25 AM] aj: I sometimes brake before I put on the turn signal, so.  1005 unsafe. [7/28/2017 3:53:29 AM] aj: 100%* [7/28/2017 3:53:30 AM] girl: You dont seem like youd kill anybody but you do seem like youd have an uncomfortable emotional outburst [7/28/2017 3:53:40 AM] girl: In a kitchen [7/28/2017 3:53:44 AM] aj: Last time I drank, it was like, two beers? [7/28/2017 3:53:47 AM] aj: and it was fine. [7/28/2017 3:53:56 AM] aj: I just hate the feeling of being drunk. [7/28/2017 3:53:58 AM] aj: So. [7/28/2017 3:54:03 AM] girl: I cant drink much because im freakishly lightweight [7/28/2017 3:54:17 AM] girl: I... get drunk if i drink a bottle of kombucha.... [7/28/2017 3:54:31 AM] aj: Also, emotional outbursts are hella embarrassing.  I'd leave if I felt like I was getting there. [7/28/2017 3:54:49 AM] aj: Because my other option is to die from shame later. [7/28/2017 3:54:50 AM] girl: Yeah but i feel like you could, [7/28/2017 3:54:53 AM] aj: and I don't want to die. [7/28/2017 3:55:45 AM] aj: I'm emotionally open with you in ways I'm not with other people.  But also, I'm emotional towards you in ways I'm not with other people.  Everyone else in my life isn't fitted with our sordid history. [7/28/2017 3:56:29 AM] aj: I just don't like feeling drunk because the fogginess of mind bothers me. [7/28/2017 3:56:36 AM] girl: I like wheed better than alcohol but only if its like body high stuff. I used to just get rly rly rly high and i dony like it and i have sensitive little lungs. But I Do Love Adderall lol xo [7/28/2017 3:56:51 AM] aj: Hahahahah [7/28/2017 3:56:54 AM] girl: Me too but i feel that way most. Times whoch is why i love adderall loool [7/28/2017 3:57:01 AM] aj: Makes sense. [7/28/2017 3:57:24 AM] aj: So yeah.  But, I had to do a lot of self-care.  Maybe a while back I'd have been prone to a lot more bullshit. [7/28/2017 3:57:26 AM] aj: Anyways. [7/28/2017 3:57:38 AM] girl: I'm more responsible than i sound i promise lol I'm having a very understimulating week [7/28/2017 3:57:53 AM] aj: I understand. [7/28/2017 3:58:00 AM] girl: Thats sad makes me want to pet your face [7/28/2017 3:58:16 AM] aj: I'm just glad we're talking like normal human beings, mostly. [7/28/2017 3:58:28 AM] aj: and I appreciate it. [7/28/2017 3:58:32 AM] girl: Ugh sorry i sound so Fucking stupid rn because i have retard brain [7/28/2017 3:58:35 AM] girl: Me too [7/28/2017 3:58:40 AM] girl: But im SICK for it [7/28/2017 3:58:49 AM] aj: Meaning? [7/28/2017 3:58:52 AM] girl: And i think ill rly miss you when youre not around [7/28/2017 3:59:05 AM] aj: Aaah [7/28/2017 3:59:10 AM] girl: What are you asking [7/28/2017 3:59:21 AM] girl: About my retard brain or me being sick for it [7/28/2017 3:59:27 AM] aj: No, I understand now.  Sick for it. [7/28/2017 3:59:32 AM] girl: Oh, yeah [7/28/2017 4:00:26 AM] girl: This is extremelt stimulating even if its scab picking and youre fun and i don't feel like i could ever stop feeling something strange and overwhelming for you and your dog and your cat [7/28/2017 4:00:31 AM] girl: God fuck [7/28/2017 4:00:35 AM] girl: I love them [7/28/2017 4:01:53 AM] girl: I feel like a huge loser for it but honestly im a huge fucking loser in general and i manage to get by and sometimes its better to be like guess ill want to kiss someone forever instead of like seething over it in bed for 4 hours while listening to the mountain goats [7/28/2017 4:01:57 AM] girl: Probably? [7/28/2017 4:02:17 AM] girl: Sick for it [7/28/2017 4:02:25 AM] aj: I guess?  It's a pretty complicated and personal thing. [7/28/2017 4:02:43 AM] girl: I'm fine with it, is what I'm saying [7/28/2017 4:03:04 AM] aj: Makes sense. [7/28/2017 4:03:32 AM] girl: I love hte fucking mountain goats [7/28/2017 4:05:57 AM] girl: And honestly idk like what does it matter. I don't know? It feels nicer to talk to you than to um idk I honestly cycle through boring men and get them to like me and then i am like ok thats um fine i guess [7/28/2017 4:06:10 AM] girl: And i do it less when im preoccupied [7/28/2017 4:06:36 AM] girl: I'm like really embarrassing myself LOL damn girl chill out [7/28/2017 4:06:53 AM] aj: You already told me you do that stuff. [7/28/2017 4:06:59 AM] aj: So it's not like I didn't already know. [7/28/2017 4:07:12 AM] girl: Eben more embarrassing to say it twice then [7/28/2017 4:09:02 AM] aj: I don't mind speaking my mind around you, more than a lot of people.  If I do it too much, I get people who hang on to every word and it's just... [7/28/2017 4:09:36 AM] aj: When you and I talked, and you said I probably shouldn't be in relationships, I agreed because I'll just be minding my own business and yeah. [7/28/2017 4:11:45 AM] girl: Yeah [7/28/2017 4:11:48 AM] girl: Um [7/28/2017 4:12:38 AM] girl: I don't do that anymore because I find myself less in need of guidance I guess and also not to be offensive or inflammatory but i take the thinhs men say to me much less seriously now [7/28/2017 4:12:45 AM] girl: Its uhhhh healthy [7/28/2017 4:12:52 AM] aj: Whatever works for you. [7/28/2017 4:13:22 AM] aj: You taking me seriously or not is your business, more than mine. [7/28/2017 4:13:36 AM] girl: I don't mean it like that [7/28/2017 4:13:54 AM] aj: It impacts you less? [7/28/2017 4:14:00 AM] girl: Ugh sorry im not thinking too good before i hit the send button lol [7/28/2017 4:14:09 AM] girl: I [7/28/2017 4:14:12 AM] aj: It's fine. [7/28/2017 4:15:45 AM] girl: I think I have a little more faith in myself because of some women, and also I think I know a little bit more about what I want [7/28/2017 4:16:54 AM] girl: Im still not a very independent girl [7/28/2017 4:17:08 AM] girl: And idk if im very happy being on my own anyway but [7/28/2017 4:17:21 AM] girl: Uck [7/28/2017 4:17:25 AM] aj: You're a caring and empathic person. [7/28/2017 4:17:41 AM] aj: It sounds like it's more difficult to hit that right balance of independence and interaction with others. [7/28/2017 4:17:54 AM] girl: I'm The Princess [7/28/2017 4:18:19 AM] aj: I'm happy you have women in your life who can help you place faith in yourself.  That you have a better idea on what you want. [7/28/2017 4:18:51 AM] girl: And i have a personality that makes people want to dote on me, i think, so it's not so bad. I sincerely don't think id ever have to be by myself if i didnt want to be [7/28/2017 4:19:04 AM] girl: Works out for now [7/28/2017 4:19:09 AM] aj: Yeah. [7/28/2017 4:20:07 AM] girl: I dont feel like i said what i wanted to, but i hope it ar least gave you some idea of what I wanted to say... I'm really uhhh likw bad at being very articulate when im not eating amphetamines [7/28/2017 4:20:26 AM] aj: I think I have an idea of what you meant to convey. [7/28/2017 4:20:54 AM] girl: I'm really happy that you arent miserable [7/28/2017 4:21:08 AM] girl: Even if it shouldnt matter to me [7/28/2017 4:22:18 AM] girl: I hope your dog and cat and eatinf really good food makes you happy sometimes. I only know about that kind of stuff because it makes me really happy to see a dog or cat or eat good food,... [7/28/2017 4:22:45 AM] aj: I smile when I see my mom play with the dog. [7/28/2017 4:23:28 AM] aj: He was so sick.  He smelled like miserable puppy, and this sickly sweet smell that I now recognize as parvo.  And dried vanilla Ensure, because the vets said to feed him that to keep his insides coated with something, and for nutrients. [7/28/2017 4:23:47 AM] aj: and he just didn't want to be bothered, and he got so thin. [7/28/2017 4:23:58 AM] aj: but he's okay and happy and my mom is happy with him. [7/28/2017 4:24:25 AM] aj: and my mom deserves to be happy because my dad was a shit and her best friend killed herself and our old dog had to be put down. [7/28/2017 4:24:51 AM] aj: and because she's a genuinely kind person and I always feel like a shit because no matter how smart or insightful I'll get, I'll never be kind like that. [7/28/2017 4:25:05 AM] aj: and I get older and realize that it's being kind that actually matters. [7/28/2017 4:25:15 AM] aj: but it's nowhere really in me, so I have to try really hard. [7/28/2017 4:25:43 AM] girl: Makes me want to brush your hair and send your mom flowers. I'm always really impressed by how nice and good some moms can be [7/28/2017 4:26:08 AM] girl: My mom was a psycho but i love her lol not her fault [7/28/2017 4:27:28 AM] girl: I'm glad you treat your mom good. The worst kind of man imho like the most intolerable kind of boy is one who treats his nice mom like garbage [7/28/2017 4:28:04 AM] girl: The world would be better off if people like that disappeared and were never thought of again imho. [7/28/2017 4:28:28 AM] aj: I'm taking a lot of risks, educationally speaking, so that I'll have some good options in time to take care of her.  That's most of what has me nervous.  I know I can manage something that'll keep me okay, but yeah. [7/28/2017 4:28:44 AM] girl: Thats kind of you [7/28/2017 4:28:55 AM] aj: My sister is a good person, and she'll hold things down for a while. [7/28/2017 4:29:02 AM] aj: between that and our savings. [7/28/2017 4:29:02 AM] girl: I wanted to do that i think but i was um much more dramatic about it lol [7/28/2017 4:29:20 AM] aj: but my sister doesn't have the income potential I do, frankly speaking. [7/28/2017 4:30:00 AM] girl: I was just gonna fuck old bitches for money and die i think but now theres no one to die for except jake who would honestly be much sadder if his sister died even if he had many dollars for it [7/28/2017 4:30:42 AM] girl: lol txt it me too binch I cant wait to be a horrible employee that my boss hates and wants dead LOL i have no work ethic [7/28/2017 4:31:09 AM] girl: Im glad your mom has someone to hang with [7/28/2017 4:31:18 AM] girl: Lonely old people makes me die inside [7/28/2017 4:31:24 AM] aj: Sister and the dog. [7/28/2017 4:31:26 AM] aj: Yeah. [7/28/2017 4:31:35 AM] aj: and the cat. [7/28/2017 4:31:48 AM] girl: Ssucy a beautiful photogenic cat [7/28/2017 4:32:53 AM] aj: For me.  I'd like to love someone again, but I don't really feel like it's in me right now.  Mostly, I would be happy with someone who'd hug me and be happy to see me.  Maybe on days when I'm really tired, let me rest my head on them.  I feel like I don't really deserve any of it, though. [7/28/2017 4:33:12 AM] aj: and I have a lot of work to do, and that would distract me.  It'd be nice, but I have to do good right now. [7/28/2017 4:35:56 AM] girl: I'd be jealous i think, not that it matters much. More practically friend love is really just as important and i love to be on the phone with kitty and tell her about my day and its not exactly the same as hugging someone in bed but honestly you can ask your friends for hugs idk. I'm a very affectionate girl and its intimate and fulfilling and important in my heart to park the car and talk in the driveway too [7/28/2017 4:36:22 AM] aj: I hug my friends and tell myself that's good enough.  So yeah. [7/28/2017 4:36:33 AM] aj: Most times it's like 80% good enough, too. [7/28/2017 4:36:34 AM] aj: So. [7/28/2017 4:37:03 AM] girl: New places can be lonely but i like to talk to the old people at the library. Im the info desk girl sometimes so i talk to them a lot and i hugged ronna the security guard becayse i felt like it and i think its fine. [7/28/2017 4:38:12 AM] girl: I think like even if i could get over being jealous I would tell anyone else in your position the same thing [7/28/2017 4:39:22 AM] girl: i dont mean to be dramatic or annoying [7/28/2017 4:39:46 AM] aj: It's fine. [7/28/2017 4:41:27 AM] girl: but it hurt and hurts, like, it hurt. i like the idea of you being happy i think but it's like shocking to me how much it hurts, and even when you are/were someone i could love so easy, you're also the person that, did that, to me. And it's shaped a lot of the things in my life very strangely. [7/28/2017 4:42:48 AM] girl: You can do whatever you want, but id be very offended i think. It embarrasses me to be so sensitive about it when im not feeling like a crazy girl [7/28/2017 4:43:29 AM] aj: Let me put it this way. [7/28/2017 4:44:07 AM] aj: The more knowledge I acquired, the more I understood that shaping and influence process.  Abstractly.  I know a lot more than when I met you.  Lots.  Lots.  Lots more. [7/28/2017 4:44:16 AM] aj: The more I understood it, the more I started to close myself off. [7/28/2017 4:44:31 AM] aj: Not really in bad ways, but I'm just really cautious. [7/28/2017 4:45:02 AM] aj: If I hadn't hurt you like that, I might be more open to people?  I might've been in a relationship by now. [7/28/2017 4:45:12 AM] aj: and I'm not saying this in a resentful way. [7/28/2017 4:46:23 AM] aj: It's really easy to reach out.  I can see the cracks most people have in their armor, and who wears their heart on their sleeve.  I just... don't really want to strongly influence anyone.  I don't want that on me. [7/28/2017 4:46:41 AM] aj: I know I can do as I want. [7/28/2017 4:47:06 AM] aj: I just have felt like the most mature thing I can do right now is what I do. [7/28/2017 4:47:49 AM] girl: I appreciate it even though i know its not for me [7/28/2017 4:48:17 AM] girl: I think I'm really scared of feeling stupid or betrayed if something did happen [7/28/2017 4:48:20 AM] aj: I think about you.  Not every time.  But I remember you.  I remember when you say things about how it hurt. [7/28/2017 4:50:56 AM] girl: I'd hate myself because I know better than to scab pick and when my friends get hurt badly I want the person who hurt them honestly to die. I know I'm being selfish when I talk to you but I'm also being a little foolish and I'd be so damn mad and just hate myself if I was as wrong as other people think I probably am to like you and care about you as much as i do [7/28/2017 4:52:46 AM] girl: right now I think i believe in you and your good intentions and if you proved me wrong I would know it was my own damn fault [7/28/2017 4:53:19 AM] aj: Time will tell. [7/28/2017 4:53:47 AM] aj: I've felt good about talking with you normally.  I still worry that it's not really good in the long term. [7/28/2017 4:54:13 AM] aj: But something feels different in talking with you, this time. [7/28/2017 4:54:20 AM] aj: and it's not a bad different. [7/28/2017 4:54:31 AM] girl: What do you mean? [7/28/2017 4:54:52 AM] aj: Every other time I've reopened dialogue and talked with you, I felt uneasy. [7/28/2017 4:55:02 AM] aj: I don't feel uneasy with talking with you. [7/28/2017 4:55:14 AM] aj: I felt like things before were always volatile. [7/28/2017 4:55:25 AM] aj: Like something would explode. [7/28/2017 4:55:33 AM] aj: It's hard to put it into words. [7/28/2017 4:55:51 AM] girl: I'm sorry I can be. That way [7/28/2017 4:56:22 AM] girl: I do not particularly feel prideful about how really mean i can be when i want to be [7/28/2017 4:56:26 AM] aj: It could have just been me not dealing with guilt maturely, too. [7/28/2017 4:56:33 AM] aj: I'm not blaming you. [7/28/2017 4:56:38 AM] girl: I know [7/28/2017 4:56:43 AM] girl: But [7/28/2017 4:56:45 AM] girl: Idk [7/28/2017 4:57:25 AM] girl: Theres only like two people ever who have like seen how fucking scathing i can be and it kind of shocks me that i can be like that and [7/28/2017 4:57:46 AM] girl: Its not nice to scapegoat even if someone did do something fucked up [7/28/2017 4:59:38 AM] girl: Idk if I'm sorry about confronting you but I'm sorry i took weird meds and told you really mean shit and was desperate and crazy and not handling it well as i am apt to fuckening do [7/28/2017 5:01:05 AM] girl: And like idk you probably deservwd it a lot less than the guy who wanted to piss on my face and  asked me to call him if i went through with killing myself [7/28/2017 5:01:19 AM] aj: Heh. [7/28/2017 5:01:31 AM] aj: I tried to be vulnerable for you when you were that way. [7/28/2017 5:01:36 AM] aj: Not that I liked it, not one bit. [7/28/2017 5:01:55 AM] aj: But while I was reading, I realized that I wasn't really vulnerable to anyone. [7/28/2017 5:02:17 AM] aj: I can brush off a lot, if I want.  I don't really know if it matters or not in the end. [7/28/2017 5:02:37 AM] aj: But whenever you told me something or lashed out, I tried to absorb it and not just hole up and let it pass over me. [7/28/2017 5:03:18 AM] aj: I feel like you deserve that from me, so I try and give it to you. [7/28/2017 5:03:33 AM] aj: It makes me worry that doing so crosses all sorts of bad boundaries. [7/28/2017 5:03:38 AM] aj: But I already talk to you anyways. [7/28/2017 5:03:46 AM] aj: So you at least deserve that. [7/28/2017 5:04:16 AM] girl: I'm a bit of a fucking boundary crosser my own damn self [7/28/2017 5:05:17 AM] girl: I am not good at not indulging myself in what i want and feel often very entitled to what I want and I appreciate that you do it for me some [7/28/2017 5:06:11 AM] girl: there are some people who honestly do not and some of them have done things with a lot more malice [7/28/2017 5:06:43 AM] girl: Those people honestly deserve to die because i have truly been through enough but thats beside the point [7/28/2017 5:07:19 AM] girl: It made me sad that you said I'm like a scary frightened dog and that you only ever saw me angry or sad [7/28/2017 5:08:06 AM] girl: and mostly im just fine and very annoyed with people who inconvenience me in ways i find intolerable and am a crybaby but. Mostly just fine [7/28/2017 5:08:32 AM] girl: And i wanted to . Show you that im just fine and not so horrifically sick [7/28/2017 5:08:42 AM] aj: My dad was... really malicious.  When he wasn't malicious, he was uncaring.  I learned to not flinch around him.  To not be vulnerable.  I learned nobody could touch me, because I was good at it.  Nobody could read me or hurt me because even if they touched something I cared about, I wouldn't flinch and they'd move on.  The thing I read about being vulnerable took me a long time to contemplate and try. [7/28/2017 5:09:08 AM] aj: For most people it worked fine.  For you, it hurt a lot, and I always felt confused on how to tell you.  I also feel like I deserve it. [7/28/2017 5:09:32 AM] aj: but it's been important to me to be vulnerable to you, and to try and endure when things go bad. [7/28/2017 5:09:38 AM] aj: I'm not perfect at it. [7/28/2017 5:11:51 AM] girl: I think thats a good apology. I wouldn't have ever really expected it, and. I'm glad you're trying to be um. Emotionally healthy. Vulnerability is important even when it feels stupid. And i think people who learn how to feel that way are less likely to hurt anybody [7/28/2017 5:12:38 AM] girl: I really hate bad dads [7/28/2017 5:13:10 AM] girl: I love my own bad dad even though maybe i wouldnt if he wasn't my own bad dad but i fucking hate bad dads [7/28/2017 5:14:55 AM] girl: No one should be bad to anybody lile that [7/28/2017 5:15:36 AM] girl: It's sickness and it's unforgivable sin. I'm a libra so i know who deserves to die for sinning and most bad dads do [7/28/2017 5:15:41 AM] aj: I love my dad.  I'm still learning to find the good parts and lessons.  That's all I can do. [7/28/2017 5:17:05 AM] girl: I think it's important to do too, it makes me less sad at least, to love my bad dad [7/28/2017 5:17:46 AM] girl: But there are some truly unforgivable things in there i think [7/28/2017 5:19:06 AM] girl: lol oops that ones too tender time to lock it up and think about breakfast instead [7/28/2017 5:19:47 AM] aj: Heh.  I should get to that shower anyhow.  It's now 5:20. [7/28/2017 5:20:21 AM] girl: Brush your hair.. before you do... [7/28/2017 5:20:35 AM] aj: Hah.  Alright. [7/28/2017 5:20:38 AM] girl: it keeps your drain from clogging... life hack [7/28/2017 5:20:47 AM] aj: True. [7/28/2017 5:21:07 AM] aj: Alright.  Sleep well when you do.  Sorry your family is still being crazy and unreasonable. [7/28/2017 5:21:16 AM] girl: i keep my hair in a bun for two days and pull out uncomfortable amounts in the shower [7/28/2017 5:21:27 AM] girl: I will do my best [7/28/2017 5:21:41 AM] girl: Goodnight [7/28/2017 5:21:51 AM] aj: Night! [7/28/2017 5:22:13 AM] girl: Hahahaha [7/28/2017 5:22:22 AM] girl: Dont be fucking cute [7/28/2017 5:22:25 AM] girl: Bye [7/28/2017 5:44:13 PM] girl: Vhehehehe [7/28/2017 5:44:27 PM] girl: Somebody got me Dr*gs [7/28/2017 5:44:37 PM] girl: (Censored so the government cant see) [7/28/2017 5:54:50 PM] girl: I can haz cheeseburger dot com after dark [7/28/2017 8:23:53 PM] girl: I'm pretty sure i can tell you the plot of the emoji movie [7/29/2017 1:00:34 AM] girl: I'm not going to i dont think because its obvious and i already rrad it and i was like 70% right but thats aside from the point... i really really wish dearly in my heart that i had strawberry ice cream rn and that everyone and everything wasnt so damn boring [7/29/2017 1:01:57 AM] girl: i want to leave the damnt internet but i dont Do much else or have a presence anywhere else and i want to go on more walks but i keep forgetting everything i want to do, and then sitting for a few minutes, and then remembering something else i want to do, and then starting that and then forgetting it again [7/29/2017 2:12:12 AM] girl: And its HOT and i hate how hot it is and im going to be so damn sweaty by the time i Put Adderall in my body but id rather be sweaty than so bored i could DIE [7/29/2017 2:12:21 AM] girl: God [7/29/2017 2:12:31 AM] girl: I am truly a woman with no life skills [7/29/2017 7:50:02 PM] girl: Whats it take for a girl to get strawberry ice cream around here hello...( ?´_ゝ｀) [7/29/2017 7:51:11 PM] girl: I hate being so bored and im tempted to nyquil my sunday away so i can just skip it and Be Medicated [7/30/2017 3:29:07 AM] girl: I think im really scared to die still which is annoying. [7/30/2017 3:29:34 AM] girl: I hope theres benzos in purgatory so that i can stop freaking out about it when i am dead [7/30/2017 3:30:16 AM] girl: I don't need anything else, just a floating bit of consciousness somewhere out there, with a little bar, ill be fine [7/30/2017 3:32:29 AM] girl: No crustaceans either [7/30/2017 5:46:26 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:38:24 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [7/30/2017 5:47:08 AM] girl: And you've been sweet [7/30/2017 5:47:27 AM] girl: Sort of, idk how much im allowed to say it, that youve been sweet i mean [7/30/2017 5:48:24 AM] girl: But you have been. It's comforting and im very gluttonous for the things i like, such as being coddled, and eating berries, and doing exactly what I want when i want it, sometimes, and cuddling [7/30/2017 5:50:52 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:38:41 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [7/31/2017 12:05:47 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:37:13 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/1/2017 11:12:45 AM] girl: I really like when people name their pets regular human names like kevin or emily [8/1/2017 11:26:38 AM] girl: Like honestly telling your friends that kevin puked and ate it and they dont know its your cat? I love it [8/3/2017 1:09:56 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:38:51 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 4:11:07 AM] girl: cool thing about adderall: can use my dumbass fucking brain [8/5/2017 4:11:39 AM] girl: not cool thing about adderall: sleeping at 3am and waking up at 6:30 am and going out on the couch 2 do some laundry and knocking out and injuring you're neck bc you're a fucking idiot [8/5/2017 4:16:03 AM] girl: not really injuring but you get me [8/5/2017 4:16:06 AM] girl: sorry for messaging you so much [8/5/2017 4:16:16 AM] girl: i'm sure you'll probably say its okay, or not say anything at all [8/5/2017 4:17:38 AM] girl: i don't really know where the hell im going rn and it's making me feel so god damn strange but it's okay.just weird and anxious and sore and i dont want to take out my contacts cause im so tired but i need to [8/5/2017 4:18:11 AM] girl: i keep remembering [8/5/2017 4:18:12 AM] girl: one time [8/5/2017 4:18:20 AM] girl: i asked you what kind of music you listened to [8/5/2017 4:18:46 AM] girl: and you just linked me this like no offense but very bizarre and off putting ambient movie sound track stuff and i was like oh... [8/5/2017 4:20:38 AM] girl: such a hot fucking mess rn but its chill i think [8/5/2017 4:21:45 AM] girl: at the end of the day i always still feel like such a stupid little girl [8/5/2017 4:29:40 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:39:22 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 4:31:34 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:39:28 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 4:31:55 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:39:33 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 4:32:48 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:39:40 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 4:37:30 AM] girl: m also really loving this wildfire smog [8/5/2017 4:37:58 AM] girl: and inhaling 900x the recommended daily dose of albuterol im sure LOL [8/5/2017 4:38:57 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:39:50 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 4:39:13 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:39:56 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 4:51:44 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:40:08 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 5:33:57 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:40:02 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 5:47:15 AM] girl: i just. i dont know. im on my fucking period probably so im feeling like an asshole but i really hate [8/5/2017 5:47:17 AM] girl: i dotn know [8/5/2017 5:48:17 AM] girl: so much about the way i am for you/at you/around you and that you said i made you feel that way, like, scared, at all, i dontk now [8/5/2017 5:49:01 AM] girl: i'm such a fucking crybaby aj lol did i tell you what happened. that i was crying on my pillow and thought i left mascara marks but realized that it was from the last time i cried on the pillow. im such af ucking crybaby. im probably crying more often than im not crying [8/5/2017 5:49:12 AM] girl: im sorry ive been so fucking awful [8/5/2017 5:50:22 AM] girl: so much of me has a horrible horrible horrible time letting go of how you were my best friend, and how you meant so much to me, and i dont know if i even want to, i dont know. im such a fucking dick and im such a fucking idiot and it's very obnoxious to be so self deprecating when i just mean to say im sorry [8/5/2017 5:50:50 AM] girl: (avocadolove) [8/5/2017 5:50:54 AM] girl: avo cado love [8/5/2017 5:51:12 AM] girl: im very sleep deprived sorry but i mean it, most of it [8/5/2017 5:07:19 PM] girl: on a another less self deprecating note, its really cool when some strange 40 year old sam hyde looking man approaches you outside your house and asks where you live and if you want to see the tupac poster hes going to go pick up and if you want to go on a coffee date [8/5/2017 5:07:29 PM] girl: REALLY fucking cool [8/6/2017 2:56:13 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:40:41 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/8/2017 6:32:59 AM] girl: i keep biting my lip much too hard and its annoying but its also whatever. i hope your move is going ok. Mine is but i hate moving, and i have so many stuffed animals because i love stuffed animals and whimsical ceramics and other things that make other adults in my life think im a child and a fool for. i dont care. i will die in a sanrio casket [8/8/2017 6:34:23 AM] girl: by much too hard i mean im missing small chunks from my lips sometimes which hurts but i also like eatinf my own blood like a freak, which maybe says something about a lack of nutrients in my body but who knows [8/8/2017 6:41:29 AM] girl: so tired but not quite sleepy [8/8/2017 6:43:08 AM] girl: Im trying all the time to be good and not bad, and I hope it works out, i hope i hope i. Hope im good and not bad. I wish i could hug you and stick my face in your shirt and not leave for an hour because that sounds nice and because im very tired and need a break [8/9/2017 12:53:08 AM] aj: Mm.  You poor thing. [8/9/2017 12:53:29 AM] aj: I don't mean that in a condescending way, though I feel like everything I say might always be interpreted that way. [8/9/2017 12:54:11 AM] aj: The move didn't happen.  A lot of unforeseen things happened, and I find myself back in AZ slightly poorer, slightly wiser, and without the plans that I'd made for the last six months. [8/9/2017 12:54:45 AM] aj: I'm frustrated.  Lots of people are sad for me, or the situation, but I don't really feel sad.  A friend of mine didn't do what he needed to, and so things didn't work out for either of us. [8/9/2017 12:55:18 AM] aj: Mostly, I'm frustrated because I could have kept closer tabs on him, and didn't.  I didn't because I would still have to work with him, and didn't want to seem overbearing. [8/9/2017 12:56:47 AM] girl: Spooked me. I was trying to figure out if i could read, and the answer is a big fat "only kind of, retard" [8/9/2017 12:57:02 AM] aj: Heh [8/9/2017 12:57:06 AM] girl: Also, that's really annoying! [8/9/2017 12:58:01 AM] aj: That's life, sometimes.  I have a few months to figure out what I'm going to do next.  People around me want me to try and make a go of it in the spring.  I think I'll probably end up staying in AZ and making a go of it out here, though. [8/9/2017 12:58:20 AM] aj: It's too soon to give you all the reasons for this.  People think I'm really methodical? [8/9/2017 12:58:31 AM] aj: I'm not.  I'm really, really intuitive. [8/9/2017 12:58:45 AM] aj: and when I act on my intuition, it's usually reasoned. [8/9/2017 12:59:02 AM] aj: But at core, it's intuition. [8/9/2017 12:59:23 AM] girl: I never know what you mean when you imply you're going to tell me something later [8/9/2017 1:00:08 AM] aj: The school I was transferring to had some religious rules to it. [8/9/2017 1:00:18 AM] aj: Amusingly enough. [8/9/2017 1:00:39 AM] girl: Do you have to wear special mormon panties? [8/9/2017 1:00:49 AM] aj: lmao [8/9/2017 1:00:58 AM] aj: Nah. [8/9/2017 1:02:42 AM] girl: I'm thinking abt making those assholes in colorado use the dollars they get for being goodhearted foster parents (thank god they are here who knows what we would do without them) to put my brother in some chill boarding school so he doesnt have to um live in a housr with cameras and constantly be accused of lying [8/9/2017 1:03:16 AM] aj: I think that's a good idea. [8/9/2017 1:04:00 AM] girl: What do you mean when you tell me you'll tell me things later? It's a weird thing to say [8/9/2017 1:04:57 AM] aj: I mean that either the thing I'll tell you is time-sensitive, I won't know how it will turn out, or that I'll tell you about it but have reservations about telling you right this moment. [8/9/2017 1:06:02 AM] girl: Weirdo [8/9/2017 1:06:08 AM] girl: Fair enough [8/9/2017 1:06:18 AM] aj: Stones and glass houses, Kort. [8/9/2017 1:06:39 AM] aj: =P [8/9/2017 1:06:58 AM] girl: it makes me flustered when you call me that, and ive never heard that phrase before [8/9/2017 1:07:17 AM] aj: Don't throw stones when you live in a glass house? [8/9/2017 1:08:12 AM] girl: why would i do that? Why would i throw stones indoors? Glass houses seem impractical. I'm frowning. [8/9/2017 1:08:34 AM] aj: You're a princess, yet you comment on the impracticality of glass houses? [8/9/2017 1:08:40 AM] aj: You're a terrible princess. [8/9/2017 1:08:59 AM] girl: you called me a princess [8/9/2017 1:09:18 AM] aj: I called your princess-ness into question. [8/9/2017 1:09:35 AM] girl: a terrible princess is still a princess [8/9/2017 1:09:49 AM] girl: (´ ∀ ` *) [8/9/2017 1:09:57 AM] aj: Yes, but even more than yes? [8/9/2017 1:09:59 AM] aj: No. [8/9/2017 1:10:03 AM] aj: Much more no than yes. [8/9/2017 1:10:16 AM] aj: Overwhelmingly no, you could say. [8/9/2017 1:10:46 AM] girl: (´ ∀ ` *) you sound like you're overcompensating because you slipped up and really did call me a princess [8/9/2017 1:10:56 AM] girl: Not that its any of my business or would ever be [8/9/2017 1:11:03 AM] aj: I've called you a princess before. [8/9/2017 1:11:12 AM] aj: You just happen to be a treasure princess. [8/9/2017 1:11:20 AM] girl: Ill bite you [8/9/2017 1:11:50 AM] aj: Anyways, I read what you sent while I was gone. [8/9/2017 1:13:08 AM] aj: You're gonna be how you are, which Is what I mean when I tell you it's okay. [8/9/2017 1:13:38 AM] aj: and, I remember linking you to music and it tripped you up a lot. [8/9/2017 1:13:44 AM] aj: Which was sort of amusing in a way. [8/9/2017 1:14:06 AM] aj: Mostly I just wondered if it was as offputting as talking with you was when you'd shout uncontrollably. [8/9/2017 1:15:31 AM] girl: If what was as offputting? [8/9/2017 1:15:47 AM] aj: The music I linked you to. [8/9/2017 1:16:17 AM] aj: Like, a few times early on, either you or I did something that the other person was just entirely put off by.  Me with the music, for instance. [8/9/2017 1:16:52 AM] girl: Oh. [8/9/2017 1:17:56 AM] girl: It was just uncomfortable. Its almost always weird basement men but i find it really strange and slightly disconcerting when people only listen to ambientt [8/9/2017 1:18:14 AM] girl: Ari likes....shudder.........aphex twin [8/9/2017 1:18:20 AM] aj: lmao [8/9/2017 1:19:38 AM] aj: For the road trip, I mostly listened to Bowie, some The Who, and a lot of Manowar.  I don't really know why. [8/9/2017 1:19:54 AM] aj: I was in a jazz mood for a while while out there. [8/9/2017 1:20:20 AM] girl: I fucking hate aphex twin hes so scary and his songs ablut asthma give me anxiety. Hes so scary scary [8/9/2017 1:20:29 AM] girl: That's kind of cute. Old fuck [8/9/2017 1:20:51 AM] aj: I don't fit in any time or place, tbh. [8/9/2017 1:21:11 AM] aj: but yeah, Aphex Twin was never really something I cared for. [8/9/2017 1:22:04 AM] aj: I had a lot of time to myself and thought about you some. [8/9/2017 1:22:39 AM] aj: When I wasn't being turned down in rapid succession for places to live, or being leaned on by people out there I'd be working with [8/9/2017 1:22:50 AM] aj: Or realizing how my stupid friend probably never did anything. [8/9/2017 1:22:57 AM] aj: Or, you know, about a dozen other thoughts. [8/9/2017 1:23:55 AM] girl: What about me? [8/9/2017 1:24:24 AM] aj: I saw a small dog and thought you might've found it cute, one time. [8/9/2017 1:25:12 AM] aj: Another time I was staring at the ceiling of my hotel room and wondered if the anxiety I was experiencing at that moment was like yours. [8/9/2017 1:25:44 AM] girl: Hmm... i would have definitely found it cute. The dog. No dog out there isn't cute... [8/9/2017 1:26:03 AM] aj: You know, while I was biting my bottom lip and picking open one of the scars on my arm out of idle nervous habit. [8/9/2017 1:27:23 AM] girl: Mmm. What were you anxious about? [8/9/2017 1:27:42 AM] aj: That all of my plans were falling apart? [8/9/2017 1:28:02 AM] aj: and I still had a day to at least give things another shot, even though I could already see the outcome. [8/9/2017 1:28:44 AM] aj: So I had to get up and try anyways, even though I had concluded it was pointless.  So I was then forcing myself to be optimistic, and generally dreading all the work I'd have to do once things fell through. [8/9/2017 1:28:55 AM] aj: and dreading how many times I'd have to explain it to various people. [8/9/2017 1:29:28 AM] aj: and I was mostly anxious about all of that. [8/9/2017 1:30:15 AM] aj: When I'm really, really anxious, I also just sometimes want someone to let me curl up against them.  Then they can stroke my hair. [8/9/2017 1:30:25 AM] aj: But I have nobody who'll do that for me right now. [8/9/2017 1:34:21 AM] aj: Anyways. [8/9/2017 1:34:52 AM] aj: I think about you from time to time.  Mostly it's just small, passing things. [8/9/2017 1:35:22 AM] aj: In times where I want comfort, I don't think of you, because it'd probably just be bad if I looked to you for comfort. [8/9/2017 1:35:35 AM] aj: Especially when I can talk with you honestly, and somewhat frequently, without issue. [8/9/2017 1:37:39 AM] girl: Haha. That only makes me want to do it more, you know. [8/9/2017 1:38:29 AM] girl: Because that's sad. [8/9/2017 1:39:50 AM] aj: Heh [8/9/2017 1:40:57 AM] girl: I don't like to be thought of as people's weird mommy friend but i do like to feel helpful. [8/9/2017 1:41:39 AM] girl: I'm sorry things didn't work out quite right, as they tend to do [8/9/2017 1:41:45 AM] aj: Most times I end up being the one other people want cuddles from. [8/9/2017 1:42:00 AM] aj: So sometimes I want them for me. [8/9/2017 1:42:16 AM] aj: and, that's just life.  I'm not really down from it.  I just have to figure out what next. [8/9/2017 1:42:31 AM] girl: It's too hot to do any thinking [8/9/2017 1:43:40 AM] aj: True. [8/9/2017 1:44:07 AM] aj: and, I wasn't looking for cuddles from you.  Or comfort.  You're easy to talk to, and that's safest for both of us. [8/9/2017 1:44:11 AM] aj: =P [8/9/2017 1:47:42 AM] girl: I know that. [8/9/2017 1:48:09 AM] girl: I just would [8/9/2017 1:48:33 AM] aj: Yeah, and I'd probably let you bury your face in my shirt, too. [8/9/2017 1:48:45 AM] aj: and pat your head and stuff. [8/9/2017 1:49:07 AM] aj: But yeah. [8/9/2017 1:50:02 AM] girl: good [8/9/2017 1:50:13 AM] girl: i deserve head pats pretty much any time i want them, [8/9/2017 1:50:16 AM] girl: thems just the facts [8/9/2017 1:52:04 AM] aj: I mean, I could say the same for me. [8/9/2017 1:52:21 AM] girl: youre not nearly as cute as i am [8/9/2017 1:53:00 AM] aj: That has nothing to do with deserving headpats [8/9/2017 1:53:31 AM] girl: Yeah it does. Cute orphans. Get headpats. Its my slogan [8/9/2017 1:53:49 AM] aj: Nah [8/9/2017 1:54:27 AM] girl: yeah, idiot [8/9/2017 1:56:09 AM] girl: but id headpat you even if you aren't quite as cute as i am, or even an orphan [8/9/2017 1:56:17 AM] girl: arent i so nice [8/9/2017 1:56:34 AM] girl: you, nodding to yourself: wow, she is sooo nice and cool [8/9/2017 1:59:46 AM] aj: Heh. [8/9/2017 2:00:00 AM] aj: Anyways.  I'm getting some rest. [8/9/2017 2:00:02 AM] aj: Sleep well. [8/9/2017 2:00:11 AM] girl: i will do my best [8/9/2017 2:00:22 AM] girl: goodnight, dummy [8/9/2017 12:29:53 PM] girl: put me in the dirt [8/9/2017 4:40:54 PM] girl: moving is a big fat pain in my big fat ass but its Happening [8/9/2017 6:14:56 PM] girl: Did your birthday pass already????? Happy birthday??? Maybe????? Everyone's birthdays are in august and october and november... [8/9/2017 6:16:22 PM] girl: my moms and my sisters and my friend tinas are all in august, and mine and kittys and maxs and hopes and aris moms are all in october, and my brother and my dads are in november... fucking scorpios but never mind that [8/9/2017 7:09:28 PM] girl: it is really cool when someone tells me they fingered their girlfriend to weezer in the car... um... that's not really my business [8/10/2017 12:18:24 AM] girl: just glued.. a bunch of flowers... to my face.........which is cool [8/10/2017 1:10:27 AM] aj: To Weezer? [8/10/2017 1:10:39 AM] girl: to weezer :/ [8/10/2017 1:10:49 AM] girl: very terrible [8/10/2017 1:11:05 AM] aj: I never knew people would do that. [8/10/2017 1:11:25 AM] aj: Like, abstractly, I know people are horrible and have shit taste and do trashy things. [8/10/2017 1:11:41 AM] aj: But this is a special kind of trashy that I just didn't think existed. [8/10/2017 1:12:02 AM] girl: i know... he's like... way too old to be doing that kind of thing too [8/10/2017 1:12:13 AM] girl: it's not right or healthy [8/10/2017 1:12:40 AM] aj: Yeah, I've got nothing else to really say on that one. [8/10/2017 1:12:49 AM] aj: My life is worse from knowing someone did something like that. [8/10/2017 1:13:03 AM] girl: if i have to suffer so do you [8/10/2017 1:13:19 AM] aj: You like suffering, though [8/10/2017 1:13:22 AM] aj: I don't. [8/10/2017 1:13:29 AM] aj: This isn't a good tradeoff. [8/10/2017 1:13:39 AM] girl: this is not the kind of suffering i like [8/10/2017 1:14:14 AM] aj: Still. [8/10/2017 1:14:16 AM] girl: Constant - Last Tuesday at 11:48 PM Mhmm Gonna be a fun drive home too horses420 - Last Tuesday at 11:48 PM i caught up on that manwha and its really tense i need a benzo oh,,,,,dont fuck in the car Constant - Last Tuesday at 11:48 PM We had a lil fun in the parking garage. Lol Nice [8/10/2017 1:14:25 AM] girl: a lil fun in the parking garage [8/10/2017 1:14:30 AM] aj: ... [8/10/2017 1:14:35 AM] girl: honey i know [8/10/2017 1:14:45 AM] girl: i know..... i know................ [8/10/2017 1:15:36 AM] aj: I'm going to open a portal to some world that has terrible things in it.  Those things will then purge the human race of things like this, at the small cost of my eternal soul. [8/10/2017 1:15:39 AM] aj: and it'd be worth it. [8/10/2017 1:15:55 AM] girl: a lil fun in the parking garage ;) [8/10/2017 1:16:02 AM] girl: am i right? [8/10/2017 1:16:32 AM] aj: It has this cutesy phrasing to it that just makes the whole thing creepy. [8/10/2017 1:16:45 AM] girl: yeah [8/10/2017 1:16:52 AM] girl: it's very ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm [8/10/2017 1:16:57 AM] aj: You're too old for that stuff, homie. [8/10/2017 1:17:10 AM] girl: disgusting........ [8/10/2017 1:17:16 AM] girl: yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh [8/10/2017 1:17:31 AM] aj: Though, really. [8/10/2017 1:17:41 AM] aj: The girlfriend is also trash. [8/10/2017 1:17:45 AM] aj: Weezer? [8/10/2017 1:17:58 AM] aj: She wasn't lying back and thinking of England or some shit. [8/10/2017 1:18:05 AM] aj: We're not that prudish. [8/10/2017 1:18:20 AM] girl: i would never blame her for what he puts on in the car while they make sick horrible love to one another [8/10/2017 1:18:38 AM] aj: I would blame her for being with a person who would feasibly do such a thing. [8/10/2017 1:18:43 AM] girl: that's her ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm daddy LOL [8/10/2017 1:18:55 AM] aj: If you look at someone and go [8/10/2017 1:19:20 AM] aj: "is it possible that this person would finger me while Weezer is playing in the car?" and it's not a "No, this person has more class" [8/10/2017 1:19:23 AM] aj: Find someone else. [8/10/2017 1:19:33 AM] aj: There's 8+ billion people on the planet. [8/10/2017 1:19:58 AM] girl: i still have flowers glued to my face and im not pumped to take them off and wash my face, there's like a pound of glitter onme [8/10/2017 1:20:08 AM] girl: ummm that's her baby [8/10/2017 1:20:12 AM] girl: that's her um... special man.. [8/10/2017 1:20:15 AM] girl: she loves him........ [8/10/2017 1:20:27 AM] girl: actually im pretty sure he's her um Side Hoe as they say [8/10/2017 1:20:30 AM] aj: You're saying this like it matters. [8/10/2017 1:20:43 AM] aj: There are some matters that have no leeway to them. [8/10/2017 1:20:45 AM] girl: that'ss her baby.....her .........lover [8/10/2017 1:20:50 AM] aj: So? [8/10/2017 1:21:03 AM] girl: her special......baby boy.................... [8/10/2017 1:21:06 AM] girl: ...................her little man [8/10/2017 1:21:28 AM] aj: Doesn't make a difference. [8/10/2017 1:22:09 AM] girl: i'm not making it that hard to read my tone you fool boy [8/10/2017 1:22:14 AM] girl: im making jokes. you ever heard of jokes [8/10/2017 1:22:19 AM] girl: >:( [8/10/2017 1:22:32 AM] aj: This is no joking matter you sparkly piece of shit [8/10/2017 1:22:41 AM] girl: i'm CUTE and im GLITTERING [8/10/2017 1:22:48 AM] aj: Sparkly. [8/10/2017 1:22:50 AM] aj: Piece. [8/10/2017 1:22:51 AM] aj: Of. [8/10/2017 1:22:52 AM] aj: Shit. [8/10/2017 1:22:56 AM] girl: >:( [8/10/2017 1:23:03 AM] girl: say it to my face you fucking bitch boy [8/10/2017 1:23:06 AM] aj: That's why flowers are growing on you. [8/10/2017 1:23:21 AM] girl: they're not growing on me i went outside at 10 pm and i STOLE them from the BANK [8/10/2017 1:23:34 AM] girl: the garden outside the bank, to be specific [8/10/2017 1:23:42 AM] aj: Only pieces of shit steal flowers from banks. [8/10/2017 1:23:47 AM] aj: I rest my case. [8/10/2017 1:24:05 AM] girl: bitch bye [8/10/2017 1:24:20 AM] girl: it was very brave of me honestly [8/10/2017 1:24:37 AM] girl: there were many scary shadow men outside but i brought my pepper gel and a large pair of kitchen scissors (for cutting flowers) [8/10/2017 1:25:48 AM] girl: anyway [8/10/2017 1:25:54 AM] aj: Heh. [8/10/2017 1:25:57 AM] girl: now you get to read this since you said something so horrible to me [8/10/2017 1:25:59 AM] girl: Constant - Yesterday at 1:40 AM I fingered her to Weezer and made her cum during the drive lol Constant - Yesterday at 7:07 PM Hey horses420 - Yesterday at 7:08 PM hi! also oh my god um wow Constant - Yesterday at 7:08 PM xD There's a lyric during "across the sea" where he sings "I could never touch you, I think it would be wrong" horses420 - Yesterday at 7:09 PM LOL Constant - Yesterday at 7:09 PM And I belted it while rolling her clit between my fingers horses420 - Yesterday at 7:09 PM i hate across the sea but i love weezer but rivers cuomo can die oh my GOD [8/10/2017 1:26:10 AM] girl: have fun you pos [8/10/2017 1:26:54 AM] aj: Yeah, enjoy getting ignored for two months for that. [8/10/2017 1:27:02 AM] girl: you do that all the time anyway! [8/10/2017 1:27:17 AM] aj: It's not meant to be particularly punitive. [8/10/2017 1:27:37 AM] girl: use smaller words for my idiot brain wont you [8/10/2017 1:27:40 AM] aj: If you were nearby, I'd just use a squirtgun on your face, like if you were a cat. [8/10/2017 1:27:55 AM] aj: and probably say "BAD" or something [8/10/2017 1:28:06 AM] girl: i'd strangle you for moistening my lewk [8/10/2017 1:28:20 AM] aj: You couldn't even reach my neck. [8/10/2017 1:28:32 AM] girl: ohhh my goddd [8/10/2017 1:28:32 AM] aj: Shorty, with short arms and small hands. [8/10/2017 1:28:37 AM] girl: i dont have small hands! [8/10/2017 1:28:40 AM] girl: i have big hands!!! [8/10/2017 1:28:44 AM] aj: Ew. [8/10/2017 1:28:55 AM] girl: dont say ew about my hands!! they are large and i cant help it [8/10/2017 1:29:12 AM] aj: I'm not really grossed out [8/10/2017 1:29:23 AM] aj: It was just the quickest reply when you denied they were small. [8/10/2017 1:29:39 AM] girl: cruel [8/10/2017 1:29:43 AM] aj: and rather than assert they are, it seemed more fun to be grossed out by large hands. [8/10/2017 1:30:27 AM] girl: you're going to give me a complex about my hands [8/10/2017 1:30:45 AM] aj: You started this. [8/10/2017 1:31:28 AM] girl: i'll die from sadness and my grave will say aj's fault :))) [8/10/2017 1:32:00 AM] aj: Just so long as you don't haunt me. [8/10/2017 1:32:07 AM] girl: i will [8/10/2017 1:32:20 AM] aj: I'll bind you to like, a rock or something, and then glue you to a crustacean. [8/10/2017 1:32:22 AM] girl: i'll sit by your desk and cry and cry and cry all day about my hands [8/10/2017 1:32:40 AM] aj: and I will make sure it gets dumped in the deep, dark ocean. [8/10/2017 1:33:15 AM] aj: All alone.  You and some shelled bottom feeder.  Way past the depths that the sun reaches. [8/10/2017 1:33:22 AM] girl: :))) [8/10/2017 1:33:28 AM] girl: ill use your eyes as a pincushion [8/10/2017 1:33:44 AM] aj: Yeah, you'll die a thousand times for that. [8/10/2017 1:33:48 AM] girl: <3 [8/10/2017 1:34:01 AM] aj: It's cute you remember that. [8/10/2017 1:34:08 AM] aj: and it's also a good feeling for me. [8/10/2017 1:34:15 AM] girl: shut up [8/10/2017 1:34:17 AM] girl: you remember things [8/10/2017 1:34:24 AM] aj: Of course I do. [8/10/2017 1:34:40 AM] aj: I meant it more because eye-stuff doesn't squick me out like it used to. [8/10/2017 1:34:49 AM] aj: I forced myself to desensitize to it. [8/10/2017 1:35:09 AM] aj: So, you're remembering something that doesn't get to me. [8/10/2017 1:35:11 AM] girl: me too, with most crabs [8/10/2017 1:35:16 AM] aj: Which tells me I've grown. [8/10/2017 1:35:21 AM] girl: and isopods, even, but i dont really like to look at them anyway [8/10/2017 1:35:24 AM] aj: What about King Crabs? [8/10/2017 1:35:24 AM] girl: they look. bad. [8/10/2017 1:35:44 AM] girl: unpleasant, but i can handle it [8/10/2017 1:35:55 AM] aj: You've grown. [8/10/2017 1:35:58 AM] aj: You get headpats. [8/10/2017 1:36:02 AM] aj:  /headpats [8/10/2017 1:36:07 AM] girl: i took a picture of me posing with oen of those horrible fucking spider crabs and i get sick when i look at it [8/10/2017 1:36:28 AM] girl: you're making me flustered [8/10/2017 1:36:56 AM] aj: Overcoming fears shows growth, particularly character growth. [8/10/2017 1:37:03 AM] aj: Good job.  I mean it. [8/10/2017 1:37:07 AM] aj:  /more headpats [8/10/2017 1:37:29 AM] girl: it still feels condescending somehow [8/10/2017 1:37:34 AM] girl: but in a way that i dont mind so much [8/10/2017 1:37:41 AM] aj: I'm being honest, here. [8/10/2017 1:37:48 AM] girl: i know you are, dummy. [8/10/2017 1:37:53 AM] aj: and I'd give you hugs, but that's sort of like a once-a-year thing, maybe. [8/10/2017 1:37:59 AM] aj: So headpats is the most intimacy you get. [8/10/2017 1:38:04 AM] girl: im rolling my eyes [8/10/2017 1:38:14 AM] girl: you can't even actually touch me, you dumb idiot loser [8/10/2017 1:38:24 AM] aj: Doesn't stop you from being flustered. [8/10/2017 1:38:47 AM] girl: i'm easily flustered [8/10/2017 1:39:42 AM] aj: Point stands. [8/10/2017 1:40:08 AM] girl: shut up idiot [8/10/2017 1:41:14 AM] girl: im a sucker in general, doesn't mean anything [8/10/2017 1:41:28 AM] aj: I'll believe you. [8/10/2017 1:41:43 AM] girl: well, don't, i'm only half telling the truth [8/10/2017 1:41:53 AM] aj: I know. [8/10/2017 1:41:58 AM] aj: That's why I'm deciding to believe you. [8/10/2017 1:42:04 AM] aj: Rather than, you know, being convinced. [8/10/2017 1:42:16 AM] girl: 9___9 [8/10/2017 1:42:59 AM] girl: my eyes are rolling so far back into my head that i can see my brain [8/10/2017 1:43:58 AM] aj: Anyways, good on you.  Some people don't grow out of fears. [8/10/2017 1:44:22 AM] girl: its annoying to be afraid [8/10/2017 1:45:43 AM] girl: i feel restless and weird [8/10/2017 1:46:01 AM] girl: and also like maybe one of these flowers is making my face itch [8/10/2017 1:47:22 AM] aj: Heh [8/10/2017 1:47:43 AM] girl: beauty is uncomfortable itchiness as they say [8/10/2017 1:48:08 AM] girl: ari is looking at horrible deep sea fish and its like playing russian roulette every time he scrolls [8/10/2017 1:48:14 AM] girl: like whats gonna pop up next [8/10/2017 1:48:23 AM] girl: might be a big weird fish [8/10/2017 1:48:25 AM] girl: might be actually a demon [8/10/2017 1:52:29 AM] girl: kittys cat bunny is the cutest thing ive ever seen in my life [8/10/2017 1:52:32 AM] girl: i'd literally die for her [8/10/2017 1:53:03 AM] girl: also you never told me if it was your birthday or not yet you old man [8/10/2017 1:53:14 AM] aj: Not yet. [8/10/2017 1:53:57 AM] girl: when is it? [8/10/2017 1:55:28 AM] aj: =P [8/10/2017 1:55:34 AM] girl: eyeroll [8/10/2017 1:56:19 AM] aj: My dad killed himself right near my birthday, so I really don't like talking about it. [8/10/2017 1:56:37 AM] aj: I can't really think about one without the other. [8/10/2017 1:57:04 AM] girl: that's horrible horrible [8/10/2017 1:57:46 AM] girl: sorry, i didnt mean to make you think about something awful [8/10/2017 1:58:22 AM] aj: It's okay.  I just really don't think about it too much, generally. [8/10/2017 2:00:05 AM] girl: pet pet [8/10/2017 2:00:19 AM] girl: ill try and remember that [8/10/2017 2:00:59 AM] girl: i took the flowers off my face and put them on my leg instead [8/10/2017 2:02:21 AM] girl: its scary that deep sea things look really wrong when they get outside of the ocean [8/10/2017 2:17:44 AM] girl: im thinking about you a little lately, but not too bigly. i feel really strange and restless and anxious in a way that is hard to explain, about a lot of things and im not sure quite what. just in the background i guess. maybe like im always waiting for the carpet to be pulled out from under me because a lot of times life is very bold and unafraid to disappoint me [8/10/2017 2:18:47 AM] girl: i miss you a lot and annoyingly, and im relieved a lot when youre good. I hate that im so anxious and so chatty [8/10/2017 4:00:53 AM] girl: you said something kind of cute and strange earlier [8/10/2017 4:01:08 AM] girl: that i like to suffer, or something [8/10/2017 4:01:24 AM] girl: but i think its less that i like it and more that it comforts me [8/10/2017 4:02:45 AM] girl: i hope i didnt upset you much, but i think you probably just went to bed, but i worry worry anyway that youd be sad [8/10/2017 6:00:13 AM] girl: hah [8/10/2017 6:00:26 AM] girl: im such a self destructive loser [8/10/2017 6:09:24 AM] girl: I feel like I'm just gonna fuck this up inevitably [8/10/2017 6:09:41 AM] girl: ari i mean [8/10/2017 6:11:40 AM] girl: I hate talking to fucking losers online and trying to make them fall in lpve with me or want to fuck me or both, i hate that i see aris friends that way, i hate that i cant detach my worth from being something fuckable and i feel so self destructive, like im okay right now but like im gonna fuck up so bad, and i love him, i love him so much, ive never had anyone be this good to me, ive never ever been so loved i dont think [8/10/2017 6:14:15 AM] girl: so why am i like this? Why am i so intent on towing the line between whats appropriate with men and whats not? i dont even fucking like it. Im not talking about you either because i feel the way i do about you sickly and at least when i want you to love me or want to fuck me its partially because i have like a real emotional attachment to you. I dont fucking love it and its messed up of me and im sorry i make it so fucking obvious but at least with you or like hope its you or hope and like youre both [8/10/2017 6:14:26 AM] girl: People I actually give a shit about [8/10/2017 6:15:58 AM] girl: i hate it though. I hate when losers want to fuck me and i hTe when for a second or two i thought they were my friends or that they cared about me when i know better [8/10/2017 6:16:09 AM | Removed 7:19:45 PM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/10/2017 6:16:15 AM] girl: i just have a big headache hahaI sdont think im gonna sleep [8/10/2017 6:20:44 AM] girl: Also sorry if you ever see the long strinf of messages i leave you and go "wow that's obnoxious" but i dont do it out of ignorance i just cant stop hahaha [8/10/2017 6:20:54 AM] girl: Sorry [8/10/2017 1:39:04 PM] girl: I'm such a fuuuucking loser but its chill. Helped ari pack and am suffering in bed of sleeplessness like a fool woman who has done wrong [8/10/2017 6:59:31 PM | Removed 7:19:38 PM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/10/2017 6:59:52 PM | Removed 7:19:32 PM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/10/2017 6:59:54 PM | Removed 7:19:28 PM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/11/2017 11:13:29 PM] aj: Interesting name change. [8/11/2017 11:17:29 PM] girl: Thought it was charming of me [8/11/2017 11:19:53 PM] girl: you have weirdly good timinf a lot of the time [8/11/2017 11:24:27 PM] aj: I've always had that. [8/11/2017 11:25:50 PM] girl: Youve messaged me twice in a row now like right after i was done dicking around for like two hours [8/11/2017 11:27:11 PM] aj: Heh. [8/11/2017 11:28:07 PM] girl: are you. well [8/11/2017 11:28:30 PM] aj: I'm doing okay.  I just felt like checking in on you. [8/11/2017 11:28:47 PM] girl: im here and i'm Showered [8/11/2017 11:30:26 PM] aj:  /headpats [8/11/2017 11:30:50 PM] girl: why headpats [8/11/2017 11:30:59 PM] girl: bites [8/11/2017 11:35:14 PM] aj: You have someone good for you.  You're smart enough to recognize it.  Everyone has self-worth tied up in strange things.  I'm not really an exception. [8/11/2017 11:36:36 PM] girl: yeah [8/11/2017 11:38:19 PM] aj: So I guess about the only thing worth saying to you is that I've found all the bullshit, day-to-day stuff involved in keeping a relationship going is all really difficult for me.  I like doing big things, but not all the little things along the way, which is actually what matters when it comes down to it.  In your case, I think you're probably a more balanced person than I am.  You care about little things in a way I can't really get in my headspace. [8/11/2017 11:38:56 PM] aj: There's gonna be self-worth issues and all that shit.  Validation from stupid men is sort of the junk food of self worth. [8/11/2017 11:40:51 PM] girl: Sure is. It's pretty uh [8/11/2017 11:40:55 PM] girl: Terrible [8/11/2017 11:41:50 PM] aj: I think, for you, you've had so many relationships go entirely to shit that this worry you have is magnified.  It's not a bad worry.  It'll hopefully keep you open and looking at what you need to do to keep things good. [8/11/2017 11:44:02 PM] girl: im just [8/11/2017 11:47:16 PM] girl: it's so hard to shake the idea that if i self destruct first, then no one can catch me by surprise, and that being surprised hurts more than hurting yourself on purpose [8/11/2017 11:50:40 PM] girl: i also just [8/11/2017 11:51:46 PM] girl: don't really love myself for me, ever, even if i say i do or try to sometimes, i dont think [8/11/2017 11:52:46 PM] girl: i think most of the time id rather die than be a burden even though i try not to think that way [8/11/2017 11:53:50 PM] girl: why is doing small stuff difficult for you? [8/11/2017 11:56:57 PM] girl: also sorry i sent you all that earlier, lol, it's, embarrassing, but, you're easier to talk to about it because you're not in my social circles [8/11/2017 11:57:13 PM] girl: i also feel like you probably worry less than kitty would [8/12/2017 12:09:28 AM] girl: im really out of it lmao but dwayne the rock johnson looks like afucking egg [8/12/2017 12:09:30 AM] girl: on a body [8/12/2017 12:35:53 AM] girl: also its my moms bday time to do My Drinking [8/12/2017 12:38:26 AM] girl: japanese chins are the cutest fucking dogs,,,,, it makes me want to die [8/12/2017 12:44:04 AM] girl: sorry for rambling so much lol im gonna snooze though i think [8/12/2017 12:44:13 AM] girl: <3 bye [8/12/2017 1:15:27 AM] aj: Sorry for the lapse.  Skype was being an asshole, so I just finished up the rest of what I needed to do tonight. [8/12/2017 1:16:57 AM] aj: Basically, you're engaging with a logic that everyone does.  "Nobody can hurt me if I keep them away."  or  "If I care less than they do, then I can't be hurt by them."  Self-sabotage gives you a sense of control over the bad things, at a huge expense. [8/12/2017 1:17:28 AM] aj: I did that.  I'm super, super good at that mindset. [8/12/2017 1:17:44 AM] aj: I read something a while back, though, and it took a while to really let it sink in. [8/12/2017 1:18:46 AM] aj: Being vulnerable is powerful.  You're seeking to be invulnerable.  You don't want to really be hurt by others.  Not investing in them, and self-destructing means that you hurt yourself, but you know how that feels.  It's familiar.  Whereas, who knows how you'll handle other people hurting you, and you've been hurt a lot. [8/12/2017 1:20:12 AM] aj: I hate being vulnerable, but it has allowed me to have friendships I wouldn't have otherwise.  It has allowed me to fix some of the shit wrong with me.  I'm not a perfect human being by any measure, but trying to be vulnerable lets me try things other people who self-sabotage more won't try, and has led me to seeking new opportunities. [8/12/2017 1:21:47 AM] aj: and, it's especially difficult as a male.  The last thing other guys expect when they ask me for advice is stuff like "Be vulnerable." because they equate vulnerability with being overly emotional or shit.  It's a difficult line to walk. [8/12/2017 1:21:50 AM] aj: Anyways. [8/12/2017 1:23:17 AM] aj: Loving yourself is all about the little things, which is why I also struggle with it.  Best advice I have in that arena is to pick one thing you hate about yourself and fix it.  Sure, you might have fifty-billion things, but pick one, fix it.  This means you have to pick something you can quantify. [8/12/2017 1:23:48 AM] aj: and it doesn't matter what the fuck it is because literally fuck everyone else, this is about you fixing something you don't like, not about anything anyone else has to say. [8/12/2017 1:27:18 AM] aj: and, doing all the small things is terribly hard for me because I'm terribly inconsistent. [8/12/2017 1:27:41 AM] aj: Being consistent takes so much of my effort. [8/12/2017 1:27:56 AM] aj: Anyways, have some more /headpats [8/12/2017 1:28:57 AM] aj: I'm not worried about you because I think you know the answers you need, and have the ability to move in a direction to make them happen.  Everything else is luck or fate or willpower or choice or something. [8/12/2017 1:35:30 AM] girl: Oops im still on the floor [8/12/2017 1:36:15 AM] girl: We were supposed to goooo to the apartment were moving into like probably before 1:30 but we forgot and now i am on the floor [8/12/2017 1:37:01 AM] girl: I thinkbeing [8/12/2017 1:37:42 AM] girl: Vulnerable is important. Too. But it's hard when everyone is so fucking prickly [8/12/2017 1:39:54 AM] aj: Yeah, it is. [8/12/2017 1:40:14 AM] girl: And its hard when im so weirdly into retraumatizing myself like some kind of idiot wwoudld [8/12/2017 1:40:28 AM] girl: I hope i dont fall asleep on the floor [8/12/2017 1:43:54 AM] girl: i hope i dont. fall asleep here. i will dislocate something im sure [8/12/2017 1:44:07 AM] girl: but [8/12/2017 1:44:10 AM] aj: Get off the floor and sleep somewhere better, stupid. [8/12/2017 1:44:43 AM] girl: it's good to be tender and open and i try ot be but also its hard even when im doing my best to be good. sometimes i try to be tender and open and i accidentally just make myself be everyones mommy or whatever and its like wlel oops [8/12/2017 1:45:01 AM] girl: somewhere better is like [8/12/2017 1:45:03 AM] girl: two blocks over [8/12/2017 1:45:14 AM] girl: and my fat little legs are struggling [8/12/2017 1:45:40 AM] girl: i mean, my mattress is not in my home, and is in my New home [8/12/2017 1:45:45 AM] aj: Make it happen anyways.  Dummy. [8/12/2017 1:45:50 AM] girl: you're the dummy [8/12/2017 1:45:59 AM] aj: We can both be dummies. [8/12/2017 1:46:03 AM] girl: no [8/12/2017 1:46:07 AM] girl: i'm smart and fast [8/12/2017 1:46:08 AM] girl: and strong [8/12/2017 1:46:09 AM] girl: and tall [8/12/2017 1:47:06 AM] aj: and a liar. [8/12/2017 1:47:17 AM] girl: i would never ever lie once or even ever [8/12/2017 1:48:23 AM] girl: boys are especially prickly, like you said. which is sad [8/12/2017 1:48:42 AM] girl: being emotional is honestly healthy for your insides and your outsides and crying over chow chow videos will bring you inner peace [8/12/2017 1:48:56 AM] aj: Heh. [8/12/2017 1:49:06 AM] girl: it doesn't matter much. ifrogtet what im saying... i think just. just. [8/12/2017 1:49:42 AM] girl: i wanna be good but i feel so destined to implode and i try so ahrd not to hurt myself or anybody else in the process but it creeps up on me weirdly [8/12/2017 1:50:30 AM] aj: You're cute, and you're trying.  That counts for stuff. [8/12/2017 1:50:56 AM] girl: like a fat puppy with weak little legs who is too stupid to roll over but is doing her best [8/12/2017 1:51:05 AM] aj: Pretty much. [8/12/2017 1:51:14 AM] girl: ihope that is what you imagine [8/12/2017 1:51:19 AM] girl: when you think of me [8/12/2017 1:52:53 AM] girl: you dfont always say the right thing, but when you do it's often very very much the right thing, somehow, or maybe someone already told me the right thing too, but i just wanted to hear it in the way you say it. feels like a verbal headpat when you say the right thing. very [8/12/2017 1:52:56 AM] girl: satisfying [8/12/2017 1:54:21 AM] girl: like. looking at a neatly organized drawer. and nodding to yourself [8/12/2017 1:54:28 AM] girl: and saying..hmm. that's right. [8/12/2017 1:55:34 AM] aj: Thanks. [8/12/2017 1:55:52 AM] girl: is that a real thanks [8/12/2017 1:56:00 AM] girl: i would understand if it wasnt [8/12/2017 1:56:58 AM] aj: There's gonna be stuff other people are better equipped to say or tell you.  I'm glad that I'm not just entirely useless. [8/12/2017 1:57:15 AM] girl: hah [8/12/2017 1:57:37 AM] girl: you're not usually useless [8/12/2017 1:58:03 AM] girl: i feel sad that so much is all weird and messed up between us [8/12/2017 2:01:10 AM] girl: even beyond my many and varying problems with the Male Species i still like you a lot. i know you say i wouldn't ever realistically get along with you, or that i'd hate you, but i dont really think i hate you or that i would if things were different. i hate some thigns about how you talk or some thigns that you did but i also am a freak who treasures you a bit if im being honest with myself [8/12/2017 2:01:34 AM] girl: im trying to say it without sounding stupid or caught up in the moment [8/12/2017 2:01:47 AM] aj: I get you. [8/12/2017 2:01:55 AM] girl: you do? [8/12/2017 2:02:53 AM] aj: Sure.  I still like you.  I sometimes have moments where I realize I'm talking to you and I think about the history of things.  I'm not really proud of any of it.  Or happy with it.  Both of us were vastly different, vastly unhappy human beings. [8/12/2017 2:03:26 AM] aj: But, emotional bonds still happen in fucked up situations.  There's science behind it, even.  Anyways. [8/12/2017 2:04:04 AM] aj: I have wondered how we'd interact without the fucked up past, and the truth is, we probably wouldn't?  Or it wouldn't have the same emotional quality to it. [8/12/2017 2:04:27 AM] aj: So the very thing that's fucked up is also the thing that is responsible for any deep connection or understanding. [8/12/2017 2:08:32 AM] girl: i don't think you've ever been useless to me. i don't know. and yeah, that's true, idk, it's messed up and sad, but it's what happened. i guess i don't think we would really interact much either, but, like, then again, i don't think either of us would be anything at all like we are if not for. everything i guess. in general. not just the you and me parts. [8/12/2017 2:08:49 AM] aj: Pretty much. [8/12/2017 2:08:58 AM] aj: That's the same conclusion I reached, at least. [8/12/2017 2:09:21 AM] girl: ive resigned to accepting for the time being that you're special to me and probably always will be no matter how fucked up it is of me to feel that way [8/12/2017 2:10:36 AM] girl: stupid of me i guess but [8/12/2017 2:12:49 AM] aj: It's accurate.  At this point, too, you're not really in a position to rehab yourself so that it'd go away.  Sorry about that. [8/12/2017 2:14:15 AM] girl: Ccwhoops [8/12/2017 2:14:24 AM] girl: That just my skype lgginh [8/12/2017 2:14:47 AM] aj: I'm a shitty person, but a lot of people treasure me.  I guess it's because only a few people know the depths.  I also guess it's because the good parts tend to balance in the eyes of most.  I've really stopped trying to figure it out. [8/12/2017 2:14:56 AM] aj: I know how conceited that sounds. [8/12/2017 2:16:16 AM] aj: I don't really know what I want out of life.  I have a few things that I need to work towards.  I'm mostly convinced that chasing material wealth Is a trap.  Likewise, I think having knowledge just to flaunt it makes someone an insufferable prick. [8/12/2017 2:16:53 AM] aj: So, mostly what I want to do is avoid becoming a person I hate. [8/12/2017 2:18:02 AM] girl: I think I'm fine even if I'm a trauma freak [8/12/2017 2:18:46 AM] aj: I want to be liked so that people won't think bad of me when I want to spend most of my time alone. [8/12/2017 2:18:49 AM] aj: Which sounds backwards. [8/12/2017 2:18:56 AM] aj: Being liked means not being alone. [8/12/2017 2:19:54 AM] girl: I'm out ofit as fuvk but im reading and I keep wanting tosay that even if you didnt do it right and im messed up from it like i think [8/12/2017 2:20:06 AM] girl: Something much more awful would have happened if you werent there [8/12/2017 2:20:25 AM] girl: im messed up and I really i think like in my sick little body like [8/12/2017 2:20:40 AM] girl: love you for it and for other thinsg im being messy [8/12/2017 2:20:52 AM] girl: messy messy girl [8/12/2017 2:22:03 AM] girl: but you don't have to feel horrible about it if it really hurts sometimes. Because at the end of the day i would have probably hqd a much mor e hoerible time [8/12/2017 2:22:17 AM] girl: I gotta snooze [8/12/2017 2:22:24 AM] aj: Heh. [8/12/2017 2:22:38 AM] aj: That's the fourth time I've cried this year. [8/12/2017 2:23:05 AM] girl: Dummy [8/12/2017 2:23:06 AM] aj: I... try not to make a habit of it. [8/12/2017 2:23:12 AM] girl: Take care od yoruself [8/12/2017 2:23:19 AM] aj: Stupid.  I'm going shortly.  Yeah.  I try. [8/12/2017 2:24:06 AM] girl: Crying? [8/12/2017 2:24:10 AM] aj: You're special to me.  I've always felt bad I couldn't make things perfect for you. [8/12/2017 2:24:36 AM] girl: CN yeah, me too [8/12/2017 2:24:47 AM] girl: I am outaide so i will be gone [8/12/2017 2:24:55 AM] girl: But rhank you [8/12/2017 2:25:01 AM] aj: Bye.  Sleep well. [8/12/2017 2:49:23 AM] girl: Hope u feel special af rn bc i just Fucking hopped on2 my neighbors wifi to tell you goodnight bc i felt rude for saying "CRYING? WELL im outside now bye" [8/12/2017 2:49:59 AM] girl: my ass hurts and i am suffering and doing crimes like STEALINF a good persons wifi [8/12/2017 2:50:01 AM] girl: but [8/12/2017 2:50:32 AM] girl: Goodnight [8/12/2017 2:50:38 AM] girl: For actually this time [8/12/2017 2:50:43 AM] girl: <3 [8/13/2017 9:28:26 PM] girl: lol.... [8/13/2017 9:28:27 PM] girl: um [8/13/2017 9:28:31 PM] girl: next time you're around [8/13/2017 9:28:41 PM] girl: you will be thrilled to hear about the new bullshit my family is pulling looooooollllll [8/13/2017 9:28:47 PM] girl: they are REALLY  cool [8/13/2017 9:29:00 PM] girl: and i am honestly feeling very wrathful all of a sudden [8/13/2017 9:29:11 PM] girl: like, very much so. i don't usually feel this way so i know they deserve it [8/14/2017 2:02:21 AM] girl: also, thank you, for being sweet the other night [8/14/2017 2:02:35 AM] aj: Sorry your family is a bunch of jerks. [8/14/2017 2:02:45 AM] aj: and, it seems you're the one with good timing tonight [8/14/2017 2:02:58 AM] girl: ok you weren't supposed yo pop up ouy of nowhere nlw im flustered [8/14/2017 2:03:09 AM] girl: I said something GAY [8/14/2017 2:03:32 AM] girl: But yeah loooool it was really cool [8/14/2017 2:03:52 AM] aj: Fill me in. [8/14/2017 2:06:17 AM] girl: so they were like trying to get me to like, take custody of my brother or something like a week ago out of no where, and were saying stuff abt how they "dont have room in the house" (because they decided to go for a fourth child, after my brother moved in) even though theyd been planning to fix up their basement for him anyqay (which was not that huge kf a project) [8/14/2017 2:06:28 AM] girl: A few weeks j guess [8/14/2017 2:06:41 AM] girl: And melissa my cousin left this whack ass voice mail [8/14/2017 2:07:29 AM] girl: About how much She loves me and to Take My Time answering her calls when j told her id set up a time to talk with her (and then she never got back to me on a time sooooo) [8/14/2017 2:07:45 AM] girl: And then like jake called me today [8/14/2017 2:07:48 AM] girl: And was like [8/14/2017 2:08:51 AM] girl: "So i guess melissa and casey asked if i was happy here and wherw i would live if i could, and my friends grandma up in Washington said shed be happy to take me, so now im gonna go there and live in Washington" [8/14/2017 2:09:10 AM] girl: And like mind you they dont knoq thwse  people, and didnt contact me at all [8/14/2017 2:10:13 AM] girl: And i called them up like sooo ok guys what's happening lol whats up? You told me id be unfit to take care of my brother and that hed be better off staying in one placw for all four years and now ur just sending him to his friends house? [8/14/2017 2:11:03 AM] girl: And they were like ohhh yeah we had all these good convos about whats best for jake with him and it was like ok. Rigjt. He didn't even know you guys wanted him out of the house til two days ago [8/14/2017 2:11:05 AM] girl: So [8/14/2017 2:11:34 AM] girl: And like not that his friends family isnt. Nice and not thaf i. Dont love them [8/14/2017 2:12:12 AM] girl: But um kind of interesting that u had one convo with the grandma who i know hardly speaks a lick of english and decided he could live there [8/14/2017 2:12:16 AM] girl: AND THEN [8/14/2017 2:12:20 AM] girl: And fucking then [8/14/2017 2:12:23 AM] girl: They were like [8/14/2017 2:13:00 AM] girl: I asked of they wanted him in oregon for summers assuming theyd say yeah bc they dont seem to want my brother anyway lol [8/14/2017 2:13:05 AM] girl: nd they were like no [8/14/2017 2:13:28 AM] girl: And the creepy dad was like Yeah I dont let my kids go out of state without an adult dont feel comfortable [8/14/2017 2:14:19 AM] girl: Like you cunt im his sister, you guys were strangers to him up until last fucking year, you dont want him, and ur sending him to live witg people who are complete strangers to you [8/14/2017 2:14:40 AM] girl: Like DIE Already, literally kill yourselves [8/14/2017 2:14:52 AM] girl: AND HES NOT YOUR KID YOU CREEP [8/14/2017 2:16:27 AM] girl: so that was really cool and i chewed him out on the phone a little bit not enough to get me in trouble but i know he knwos im mad (´ ∀ ` *). Ugly Fucking Bitch. Ugly fucking come down stairs half nude n try to council me while im crying on the couch creep ass bitch. Ugly Ask a 19 year old who dont know u while ur alone in ur car if she sexually active ass bitcg [8/14/2017 2:16:44 AM] girl: Keep a camera in ur living room to keep an eye on Ur Kids Ass Bitch [8/14/2017 2:16:58 AM] girl: anyway the entirety of my extended family is dead to me [8/14/2017 2:17:01 AM] girl: How are you [8/14/2017 2:17:32 AM] aj: I'm doing okay.  Reading all of that makes me wonder why more killings don't happen.  Not to jinx your blood relations or suggest anything to you. [8/14/2017 2:17:49 AM] aj: But that's exactly the sort of creepy that I wonder if it goes on a whole lot everywhere, you know? [8/14/2017 2:18:00 AM] girl: Yeah [8/14/2017 2:18:16 AM] aj: I also sort of just makes me wonder how many people have souls. [8/14/2017 2:18:30 AM] aj: and I generally don't like fielding that question. [8/14/2017 2:18:33 AM] aj: So yeah. [8/14/2017 2:19:39 AM] girl: Theyre disgusting lol... they also seem to be mad at me for making sure my dads 70+ year old sister doesn't embezzle from my sister and brother n mes dumb fucking Dead Daddy Dollars and got melissas mom on my ass abt it lel [8/14/2017 2:19:49 AM] girl: Beatles quote lady [8/14/2017 2:19:53 AM] girl: Its a lot [8/14/2017 2:20:10 AM] girl: Truly what i would call white devils [8/14/2017 2:20:17 AM] aj: Heh [8/14/2017 2:20:42 AM] aj: All the devils in my family died.  But boy did they fuck everything up until the bitter end. [8/14/2017 2:20:52 AM] girl: Poor baby [8/14/2017 2:21:05 AM] aj: Nah, you have it worse. [8/14/2017 2:21:22 AM] girl: You alwys seemed really stressed out about it [8/14/2017 2:21:33 AM] girl: Death Nd money makes people act totally insane [8/14/2017 2:21:39 AM] aj: Yeah. [8/14/2017 2:21:47 AM] aj: My mom, sister, and I get along really well. [8/14/2017 2:21:54 AM] aj: and since we're all that's left, we're good. [8/14/2017 2:22:01 AM] girl: I'm really happy for you [8/14/2017 2:22:31 AM] aj: But death and money are shit.  There's no end to the fuckery that stupid and dishonest people won't get up to in the name of death money. [8/14/2017 2:23:10 AM] girl: Me and my sister met last year and really started talking and I'm rly happy because its cool to have a sister and shes also 38 and still smoking hot so like that really bodes well for half of my genes [8/14/2017 2:23:33 AM] girl: Yeah holy fucking shit [8/14/2017 2:23:54 AM] girl: People are so disgusting about money and death and money [8/14/2017 2:24:03 AM] girl: as im finding the fuck out [8/14/2017 2:24:17 AM] aj: The thing that amazes me is... [8/14/2017 2:24:29 AM] aj: This will sound particularly weird. [8/14/2017 2:24:40 AM] aj: But, it amazes me how easy it is to die, and how fragile people are? [8/14/2017 2:24:53 AM] aj: Like, we talk about how resilient people are and survive all sorts of crazy things? [8/14/2017 2:25:14 AM] aj: Killing someone is fucking easy, from the standpoint of physics alone. [8/14/2017 2:25:22 AM] aj: Not to be an edgelord about it, either. [8/14/2017 2:25:43 AM] girl: Yeah. We're really complete nothings and people die from the flu and heat stroke all the time and biting someone elses flesh off is surprisingly not so hard [8/14/2017 2:25:59 AM] girl: but also: modern medicine [8/14/2017 2:26:05 AM] aj: Sure. [8/14/2017 2:26:43 AM] aj: For a time, our family had to take care of my grandmother. [8/14/2017 2:26:53 AM] aj: Who had Alzheimer's, and couldn't walk. [8/14/2017 2:27:04 AM] aj: Full nine yards.  Showers, diaper changing, feeding.  Moving around. [8/14/2017 2:27:06 AM] aj: All of it. [8/14/2017 2:27:22 AM] aj: I have been in war, and this was more emotionally and physically exhausting. [8/14/2017 2:27:51 AM] aj: I think part of it was that I really disliked her, which took an emotional toll, and that I already very quickly try to not feel if I sense emotion. [8/14/2017 2:27:59 AM] aj: Anyways. [8/14/2017 2:28:35 AM] aj: I say all of this because so many people are just cowards about it all.  They believe they're invincible while wishing for death payouts for others. [8/14/2017 2:28:44 AM] aj: They neither appreciate their own lives nor the lives of others. [8/14/2017 2:29:57 AM] girl: I'm a coward who wishes death upon others sometimes, but im a libra with two dead parents, so i know who deserves it >:) [8/14/2017 2:30:15 AM] aj: Leo/Virgo cusp. [8/14/2017 2:30:34 AM] aj: Well, depends on the chart. [8/14/2017 2:30:44 AM] aj: But it's close enough that I have both sides. [8/14/2017 2:30:51 AM] girl: Fuckinf leos [8/14/2017 2:30:54 AM] aj: and, you know, Gemini Ascendant. [8/14/2017 2:31:00 AM] girl: thats cute [8/14/2017 2:31:03 AM] aj: Pisces Moon, though. <3 [8/14/2017 2:31:40 AM] girl: Most boys i meet are extremely uninterested or pretend to be uninterested in astrology bc they're snotty and its fake [8/14/2017 2:31:53 AM] girl: but whooo cares bitch im a fucking libra [8/14/2017 2:32:01 AM] aj: I know my stuff because it makes tarot easier. [8/14/2017 2:32:17 AM] aj: Though, I never do stuff for myself, and since I was about to move, I have no idea where the fuck my cards are. [8/14/2017 2:32:21 AM] girl: thats so cute... [8/14/2017 2:32:39 AM] aj: and, in my case, at least my rising sign makes a lot of sense. [8/14/2017 2:33:20 AM] girl: i have doreen virtues guardian angel cards and i dont use them much but when i need randomized card picking to tell me something nice ill play withthem [8/14/2017 2:33:36 AM] aj: Cute [8/14/2017 2:33:42 AM] girl: theyre so pretty [8/14/2017 2:34:46 AM] girl: i met a lady on the bus And at tge library who is obsessed with them and angels and told me all kinds of thinhs abt her relationship with angels and the earth and her name was sherry but her fucking um angel name she said was SHERIEL god i loved her [8/14/2017 2:34:52 AM] girl: I LOVE crazy old people [8/14/2017 2:35:26 AM] aj: Maaaaaaaaaaaan, on one hand that's cute and harmless [8/14/2017 2:35:41 AM] aj: On the other hand, the angels in like, the Bible?  THEY ARE SCARY AS SHIT [8/14/2017 2:35:49 AM] aj: Whenever they appear to deliver a message [8/14/2017 2:35:54 AM] aj: the first thing they have to say? [8/14/2017 2:35:55 AM] aj: is like [8/14/2017 2:35:59 AM] aj: "DO NOT BE AFRAID" [8/14/2017 2:36:17 AM] aj: Because whomever the message is meant for is pissing themselves and on hands and knees like right fucking now [8/14/2017 2:36:39 AM] girl: LOL i know its so nuts. She was too sweet and told me she asked god for an angel but he sent her a cougar chaser instead and she said thats not the angel i want god bit thank you [8/14/2017 2:36:42 AM] aj: and hoping this crazy fiery being isn't about to unleash ten thousand levels of burny ancient godly wrath hurt on them [8/14/2017 2:36:48 AM] girl: loool Youre so cute [8/14/2017 2:37:08 AM] aj: I like a world where angels are scary as fuck. [8/14/2017 2:37:19 AM] aj: It appeals to my personal aesthetics. [8/14/2017 2:37:40 AM] girl: I always draw christian god as a cross between a big grub and a deformed big headed human baby [8/14/2017 2:38:07 AM] girl: ari too. He loves to read the bible for Fun [8/14/2017 2:38:17 AM] aj: White wings and tunics and harps and shitty daytime shows "I am an angel" stuff is fine for people who actually emotionally resonate with everything Hallmark has ever done. [8/14/2017 2:38:42 AM] aj: But I want like, Scary ass angels that convey how utterly terrifying God is if God uses them as his messenger bitches. [8/14/2017 2:39:16 AM] girl: pff [8/14/2017 2:39:18 AM] aj: it makes God more than something we talk to when we fuck up and feel bad about it and if you totes bail us out of this one, we'll repent [8/14/2017 2:39:43 AM] girl: i like to think of christian god as a pathetic worm [8/14/2017 2:40:31 AM] girl: also, do you just like tarot for fun or are you a con artist? [8/14/2017 2:40:43 AM] aj: I just don't really understand the difference between Old Testament God and New Testament God. [8/14/2017 2:40:49 AM] aj: Fun. [8/14/2017 2:40:59 AM] girl: Jew / not jew idk [8/14/2017 2:41:07 AM] aj: I don't really need cards to con people. [8/14/2017 2:41:12 AM] girl: Thats kind of cute [8/14/2017 2:41:20 AM] girl: Well, its a good way to con people [8/14/2017 2:41:22 AM] aj: I like the symbolism on them [8/14/2017 2:41:27 AM] aj: For instance! [8/14/2017 2:41:31 AM] aj: The Devil card. [8/14/2017 2:41:37 AM] aj: I have a Rider-Waite deck. [8/14/2017 2:41:56 AM] girl: im a virgo rising/capricorn moon which is honestly retarded i want to be a triple threat libra but whatever [8/14/2017 2:42:09 AM] aj: https://gfx.tarot.com/images/site/decks/rider/full_size/15.jpg [8/14/2017 2:42:24 AM] aj: So like, that thing.  Everyone is like "Ooooh, Devil, scary" [8/14/2017 2:42:30 AM] aj: I was looking at it one day and realized [8/14/2017 2:42:36 AM] aj: The chains around the man and woman? [8/14/2017 2:42:55 AM] aj: THE CHAINS AROUND THEIR NECKS ARE LOOSE ENOUGH FOR THEM TO SLIP THAT SHIT [8/14/2017 2:42:59 AM] aj: See? [8/14/2017 2:43:17 AM] aj: So like, the only reason they're stuck is because they're fucking stupid [8/14/2017 2:43:56 AM] girl: The Devil is the cheese card crust punks get tattooed on them same w death [8/14/2017 2:44:05 AM] aj: Right? [8/14/2017 2:44:08 AM] girl: But ari rly likes it. Cheese ass bitch [8/14/2017 2:44:24 AM] aj: Like, asshole, you wanna be edgy and metal, tattoo the four and ten of swords on you. [8/14/2017 2:44:31 AM] aj: Or Hanged Man, or The Tower. [8/14/2017 2:44:40 AM] aj: Death and The Devil are lame. [8/14/2017 2:45:02 AM] girl: I designed an empress tattoo w me as the empress and my cats in the foreground ... I wanted strength originally buyuUuuUt idk... [8/14/2017 2:45:16 AM] aj: Strength is weird. [8/14/2017 2:45:30 AM] girl: strength / star / moon / sun / wmoress are mt favorite cards [8/14/2017 2:45:37 AM] aj: One day I'll understand the symbolism better, but I don't get it right now. [8/14/2017 2:46:18 AM] girl: The tower is scary. LOL.. i want lisa frank n sanrio cards [8/14/2017 2:47:04 AM] aj: Magician, Emperor, Lovers, The World, High Priestess [8/14/2017 2:47:19 AM] aj: Are the ones I particularly like. [8/14/2017 2:47:29 AM] girl: cute... the fool too [8/14/2017 2:48:02 AM] girl: I feel like this is the most casually we've spoken in years [8/14/2017 2:48:27 AM] aj: I mean, this latest string of conversations has given me that feeling. [8/14/2017 2:48:31 AM] aj: But yeah. [8/14/2017 2:48:31 AM] girl: i feel happy about it. I hope it doesn't make me Bad to be [8/14/2017 2:48:32 AM] aj: Agreed. [8/14/2017 2:48:43 AM] aj: Nah.  I'm happy with it. [8/14/2017 2:48:54 AM] aj: I don't think it's bad.  It's probably better than a lot of other options. [8/14/2017 2:49:00 AM] girl: yeah [8/14/2017 2:49:43 AM] girl: I'm sorry I'm kind of weird and bad. And complicated [8/14/2017 2:50:57 AM] girl: I didnt think it still would or that it would matter [8/14/2017 2:52:04 AM] girl: but I'm really happy that you seem so relaxed, or like, i feel less worried, or something. I didnt realize too much i was worried [8/14/2017 2:52:28 AM] girl: but now that im less i know that i was [8/14/2017 2:53:47 AM] aj: Mm, I've had to let go of a lot of things.  I've had to be responsible for a lot of stuff, too.  A lot of the hate and resentment I had on things in my own life just sort of burned out. [8/14/2017 2:54:30 AM] aj: I realized that it doesn't take much for me to be happy with my life, and that made things pretty easy. [8/14/2017 2:55:20 AM] aj: Deep down, I think that I'm still a baby on a lot of things. [8/14/2017 2:55:34 AM] aj: I still bruise really easily. [8/14/2017 2:56:03 AM] aj: I think that's just my fate, though, so it's easier to just deal with that aspect of things. [8/14/2017 2:56:58 AM] girl: I think i can relate to that sort of, maybe not in the same way. [8/14/2017 2:58:07 AM] girl: Losing both of my parents made me realize just how little excitement i want or need in my life, and how much i would love to be a simple farm girl with two goats a dog my cats and a little basket of raspberries [8/14/2017 2:58:12 AM] girl: Chickens too [8/14/2017 2:59:03 AM] girl: It really... idk [8/14/2017 3:00:04 AM] girl: I'll probably always worry about you a little and theres all kinds of reasons for that, many of them being bc im a fucking crybaby freak with ablot of anxiety [8/14/2017 3:00:44 AM] girl: but even though i said to myself many times that i shouldnt i dot think im unhappy that i talked to you as much as i did [8/14/2017 3:01:32 AM] girl: it really eases me when you're around. i know its weird and crwzygirl of me [8/14/2017 3:02:22 AM] aj: Loss puts a lot in perspective.  We lost different things, but the refocusing and new perspectives are similar.  I get you. [8/14/2017 3:03:31 AM] aj: I'm relaxed around you, which is nice.  It's also why I'll talk with you more often.  For a long time I thought it was impossible to be relaxed around you, so this is a nice change. [8/14/2017 3:03:57 AM] aj: I'll always worry about you, because you had a shit hand dealt to you, and because whatever else you are, you're real with me. [8/14/2017 3:04:18 AM] aj: Even if it wasn't right, you gave something of yourself to me. [8/14/2017 3:04:46 AM] aj: and so I feel responsible for some degree with how things go for you.  Or at least concerned.  It's complicated. [8/14/2017 3:05:04 AM] girl: pats your face [8/14/2017 3:05:42 AM] girl: I'm a hot fucking mess [8/14/2017 3:06:52 AM] girl: I appreciate it [8/14/2017 3:08:32 AM] girl: i kindof knew my dad was gonna die so i put aside everything i felt about how he had been unkind to me for a lot of mt life and tried to make things good and right. Its not all good and right and i still have a dead dad but im glad I fixed what i could and im glad we talked about things and im glad he didnt leave thinking i hated him [8/14/2017 3:08:41 AM] girl: Its not the same with you [8/14/2017 3:08:58 AM] girl: Because youre not an angry 68 year old man [8/14/2017 3:09:14 AM] girl: and i dont want to kiss my dad like that and never have [8/14/2017 3:09:21 AM] girl: but [8/14/2017 3:10:06 AM] girl: i think because of who i am as A crybaby and as a Sad Traumatized girl im much happier this way than telling you to fuck off and never talking to you again [8/14/2017 3:10:31 AM] aj: I can understand that. [8/14/2017 3:11:01 AM] girl: Hashtag over sharing [8/14/2017 3:11:18 AM] aj: In my case... mmm... [8/14/2017 3:11:38 AM] aj: I've realized my emotional spectrum, and what impacts me and what doesn't [8/14/2017 3:11:49 AM] aj: is usually vastly different from most people I've met or encounter. [8/14/2017 3:12:07 AM] aj: Even being vulnerable, which still takes work. [8/14/2017 3:12:49 AM] aj: Being aware of this difference makes me feel lonely sometimes. [8/14/2017 3:13:11 AM] aj: So does being aware of how easily persuasion methods and other bullshit mental stuff work in shaping opinions of people. [8/14/2017 3:13:41 AM] aj: I did too much reading and looking in to things that isolated me, in a lot of ways.  I still have friends.  I'm still able to be happy. [8/14/2017 3:14:20 AM] aj: You were one of the last people I connected with, for better or worse, before my life got vastly more fucked up [8/14/2017 3:14:35 AM] aj: and before I learned to put into words and theories all of my discomforts and loneliness. [8/14/2017 3:14:57 AM] aj: You got a glimpse of that portion of me before I had it mapped out. [8/14/2017 3:16:38 AM] aj: and because of that, you have access to a part of me I can't even give anymore. [8/14/2017 3:18:40 AM] girl: I really missed you a lot. You were my favorite person on the planet for a really long time. Lol my fridge just started making noise and it made me scared [8/14/2017 3:18:46 AM] girl: um [8/14/2017 3:19:24 AM] girl: Idk. I know trauma bonding is real andthat im kind of fucked up and that all the healthy people in my life would look at me with judgement and worry [8/14/2017 3:20:02 AM] girl: but i feel really so much better sometimes knowing youre alright and that i can still talk to you [8/14/2017 3:20:10 AM] aj: The hardest truth I had to face was that all of my close bonds are trauma bonds.  All of my past relationships.  Family.  Navy. [8/14/2017 3:20:23 AM] aj: So, all of my conceptions of closeness are polluted with that. [8/14/2017 3:21:44 AM] aj: In the case of you.  I'm happy when things seem okay or looking good for you. [8/14/2017 3:21:47 AM] aj: You deserve that. [8/14/2017 3:23:06 AM] aj: I guess that's all there is to say, really. [8/14/2017 3:23:20 AM] aj: I gave you something I can't give anymore. [8/14/2017 3:23:31 AM] aj: I literally don't think that closeness is in me anymore. [8/14/2017 3:23:40 AM] aj: I can't feel it. [8/14/2017 3:25:59 AM] girl: I hope you end up okay and with people you love regardless, the only time i think I've Really understood at all the feeling of not being close to anyone was when i was like a suicidal hermit, so ive never really understood how functioning people can feel that way and it makes me worry [8/14/2017 3:26:37 AM] girl: It's unfair that trauma when you're little makes you gravitate towards it later on [8/14/2017 3:26:55 AM] girl: i wish that nothing sad or horrible ever happened to you [8/14/2017 3:27:12 AM] aj: I would have managed to somehow be even more of an asshole if that were the case. [8/14/2017 3:27:21 AM] aj: Or at least a lot less smart or wise. [8/14/2017 3:27:26 AM] girl: Hah [8/14/2017 3:27:39 AM] aj: So I can't say I resent my life. [8/14/2017 3:27:47 AM] girl: Who cares about being smart or wise. I want to be a stupid girl on a farm forever [8/14/2017 3:28:03 AM] aj:  /headpats [8/14/2017 3:28:18 AM] girl: that makes me flustered [8/14/2017 3:29:07 AM] aj: You know how dogs are wonderful? [8/14/2017 3:29:16 AM] aj: They sit at your feet, and look at how you move? [8/14/2017 3:29:31 AM] aj: Every last motion you make, they're paying attention, trying to discern your desires. [8/14/2017 3:29:42 AM] aj: But they have fuzz for brains and they're goofy and cute [8/14/2017 3:29:46 AM] aj: but they try. [8/14/2017 3:29:52 AM] aj: But in the end, they're dogs. [8/14/2017 3:30:17 AM] girl: I want to be a dog [8/14/2017 3:30:33 AM] aj: I try to connect with people, but when I open up, some just get so impressed or fall under my spell or something. [8/14/2017 3:30:55 AM] aj: and then it feels like that, and it's hard to connect and feel it is meaningful. [8/14/2017 3:31:07 AM] aj: and this is with people that I feel like I could have a good closeness to. [8/14/2017 3:31:44 AM] aj: I don't want to be pleased.  I just want someone next to me.  A human. [8/14/2017 3:34:42 AM] girl: Maybe you have to be a dog too... but its hard to fawn over someone you dont feel fawnful for. I feel exceptionally loved and satisfied when people pay attention to my needs and remember things i like and say honest and nice things to me. So it's not very hard for me to feel like i love other people and am close to them, unless they are rude men, or woefully autistic in a way that clashes with my "ive been abused so my body deliberately makes it hardto tell if im uncomfortable unless youre looking for it" [8/14/2017 3:35:08 AM] girl: I don't know... [8/14/2017 3:35:58 AM] aj: Maybe.  I'll figure something out. [8/14/2017 3:36:06 AM] girl: it seems like telling people not to fawn you would just make them fawn you more, huh [8/14/2017 3:36:15 AM] aj: Usually. [8/14/2017 3:36:23 AM] aj: and saying it like that is rude. [8/14/2017 3:37:43 AM] girl: i dont relate to whatyou said about dogs. When i look at a dog in the eyes and lay on the floor and get licked in the face i become a dog too. Love for a dog transcends this garbage body [8/14/2017 3:38:01 AM] aj: I love actual dogs. [8/14/2017 3:38:06 AM] aj: Because they're actual dogs. [8/14/2017 3:38:26 AM] aj: But people who act that way, at best I already like them, and then it works okay. [8/14/2017 3:39:33 AM] girl: I'm trying to figure out whats different from how you are charming and how i am charming [8/14/2017 3:39:53 AM] girl: Because i feel like i know what you mean when you speak of dog people [8/14/2017 3:40:15 AM] girl: but I don't know why i can love dog people some and you can't love dog people some [8/14/2017 3:41:22 AM] girl: and i come with no shortage of charm, and it seems to me like you talk to me like ive learned to talk to other people, that is, you talk a lot about how you relate to things i say, which really seems to give folks a friendship boner [8/14/2017 3:41:27 AM] girl: for whatever reason [8/14/2017 3:41:38 AM] girl: But i dont know... [8/14/2017 3:42:28 AM] aj: For me, it's like. [8/14/2017 3:42:35 AM] aj: Maybe I'll pick a gesture [8/14/2017 3:42:38 AM] aj: and do that gesture. [8/14/2017 3:42:48 AM] aj: A week or two, and that person is also doing that gesture. [8/14/2017 3:42:56 AM] aj: Same with verbal tics. [8/14/2017 3:43:06 AM] aj: All little stuff.  We all take from each other. [8/14/2017 3:43:08 AM] aj: That's normal. [8/14/2017 3:43:29 AM] aj: But, it's when people feel I can understand them.  They ask advice, or my thoughts. [8/14/2017 3:43:42 AM] aj: and nowadays, I'm careful to just answer the questions they want answered. [8/14/2017 3:43:50 AM] aj: Rather than give opinions carte blanche [8/14/2017 3:43:58 AM] aj: Because it's less likely to generate the dog-response. [8/14/2017 3:45:05 AM] girl: Mmm... you seem to know what to say a lot of the times, in a way that is both not horrifically offensive or overly kiss ass-y [8/14/2017 3:45:16 AM] aj: Mostly that. [8/14/2017 3:45:54 AM] girl: Useful without being too blunt i think and kind without just giving me asspats. Lots of people give asspats and the internet will tell you most things you need to hear [8/14/2017 3:46:01 AM] girl: you're special at it [8/14/2017 3:46:23 AM] aj: For me, it's like... you know cracks or fault lines?  If I talk with someone for a short while, I can get a feeling of where the faults and cracks they have are. [8/14/2017 3:46:47 AM] aj: I had one person who was a friend of a friend just think not much of me [8/14/2017 3:46:59 AM] aj: Until I just made a few very specific observations about him. [8/14/2017 3:47:03 AM] aj: Deep-level stuff. [8/14/2017 3:47:16 AM] aj: and he realized that not only was I observing the entire time, but that he couldn't read me. [8/14/2017 3:47:31 AM] aj: Or that whatever faults I had, he couldn't generate leverage from. [8/14/2017 3:47:42 AM] aj: He felt powerless. [8/14/2017 3:50:06 AM] girl: Maybe dog like people want to understand you too? I don't know. It's flattering and uncomfortable all at once to be said something to like that... and also exciting a little i think. I think i can be a dog girl but it's kind of rare and I'm mostly a dog girl when i want to be adored and not when i want to connect or talk with people or be taken seriously [8/14/2017 3:50:18 AM] girl: Hard to get in the heads of dog people... [8/14/2017 3:50:59 AM] girl: Does he like you or hate you? [8/14/2017 3:51:05 AM] aj: Both. [8/14/2017 3:51:12 AM] girl: Hahahahahahahhaha [8/14/2017 3:51:19 AM] aj: Lots of how I am, how I read people, how laid back I am.  He likes that. [8/14/2017 3:51:28 AM] aj: He hates that he's so vulnerable around me. [8/14/2017 3:51:52 AM] aj: and that if I really felt like it, I could probably just say the right things that would crack him.  Mental stuff. [8/14/2017 3:51:59 AM] aj: Which is partially true. [8/14/2017 3:52:09 AM] aj: and, he also hates that he can't do that back to me. [8/14/2017 3:52:34 AM] girl: sounds like sexually tense gay erotica [8/14/2017 3:52:42 AM] aj: lmao [8/14/2017 3:53:00 AM] aj: Nah, I don't get that vibe off him. [8/14/2017 3:53:03 AM] girl: I would know cause i read (past tense) lots of that stuff [8/14/2017 3:53:43 AM] aj: But yeah, like, the biggest thing that makes it hard for me to be adored is that it's a lot of work. [8/14/2017 3:53:56 AM] aj: I feel responsible to be the person that people who adore me think I am. [8/14/2017 3:54:02 AM] aj: and that's a lot of bullshit to deal with. [8/14/2017 3:56:57 AM] girl: You can say that stuff, you know. In private mostly. You dony even have to say it to anybodys face, but i think you really do have yo be vulnerable there to be closer. And you have to do it voluntarily, because people who think youre cool don't know you're just a different kind of lame. I don't do it often with real dog people i dony like, like weeaboos who think im their token jap or loser girls who want me to be their daddy (though i will be their friend just not their daddy), but most people i like are worth knocking myself down a couple of pegs for and showing my horrible soft insides to [8/14/2017 3:57:12 AM] girl: I know your insides are less horrible and soft so your mileage may vary [8/14/2017 3:57:42 AM] girl: I don't think it has to be a feelings festival either if you don't want it to be [8/14/2017 3:57:47 AM] girl: but youre hard to read [8/14/2017 3:58:04 AM] girl: and sometimes you just have to tell people exactly what you want a few times [8/14/2017 3:58:28 AM] girl: I was very dog girl for you [8/14/2017 3:58:45 AM] aj: See,  but I was also dog for you. [8/14/2017 3:58:51 AM] aj: I'm fine if it's mutual dog. [8/14/2017 3:59:26 AM] girl: be dog for other people you like sometimes maybe [8/14/2017 3:59:32 AM] girl: hah [8/14/2017 3:59:44 AM] aj: Haven't felt it.  So, yeah. [8/14/2017 4:00:06 AM] girl: i wish i had known that you know,  or that i was the kind of person to take advantage of it... should have been much brattier [8/14/2017 4:00:35 AM] aj: See, even when I'm honest with my feelings, people think there's more. [8/14/2017 4:00:41 AM] aj: Or that I'm complicated. [8/14/2017 4:00:55 AM] aj: I am super simple. [8/14/2017 4:01:00 AM] girl: i dont know what made me want to have friends again. I think i just faked it til i maked it. Idk what would work for you. [8/14/2017 4:01:04 AM] girl: Not true [8/14/2017 4:01:05 AM] aj: Which is probably why I am hard to figure out. [8/14/2017 4:02:02 AM] girl: You're a lot less needy and outwardly selfish than most people which is honestly very complicated and doesnt make a lot of sense to me. Most people are much brattier including me [8/14/2017 4:03:10 AM] girl: Maybe its not that you're complicated but that you make other people feel complicated?... like you're just weird and puzzling and strange [8/14/2017 4:03:29 AM] girl: you're definitely not as impulsive as most people [8/14/2017 4:04:35 AM] girl: Weird weird weird... [8/14/2017 4:04:53 AM] aj: From my perspective, it feels like many people needlessly complicate their lives. [8/14/2017 4:04:58 AM] aj: I might point out something small. [8/14/2017 4:05:05 AM] aj: and they look at me like I'm an alien. [8/14/2017 4:05:16 AM] aj: But then they think about it and figure there's something to what I said. [8/14/2017 4:07:25 AM] aj: I remember one time I spent about a half hour talking about hummingbirds with a girl I had no interest in.  But this was like, the first time she had had a talk with someone that wasn't stupid or just a conversation to get something from her. [8/14/2017 4:08:00 AM] aj: She was just the first person I ran into that I sorta knew, and there were some cool hummingbirds where I was reading before I left that spot. [8/14/2017 4:08:27 AM] aj: and for like, a solid two weeks, she puppy-dog followed me. [8/14/2017 4:11:14 AM] girl: It's nice to talk like that I think... I don't know. Sometimes you come across as very selfless or very unconcerned with things that don't fucking matter. Caring about things that dont fucking matter is a very annoying and stressful quality a lot of people seem to have that you seldom exhibit [8/14/2017 4:11:23 AM] girl: its refreshing i guess [8/14/2017 4:11:35 AM] girl: im not sucking your dick when i say youre special [8/14/2017 4:11:44 AM] aj: I know. [8/14/2017 4:11:56 AM] aj: The sexual tension between us is different when you're being a tease. [8/14/2017 4:12:09 AM] girl: dont point it out [8/14/2017 4:12:15 AM] girl: that's embarrassing [8/14/2017 4:12:45 AM] aj: Sometimes I like it.  It's complicated.  Anyways. [8/14/2017 4:12:57 AM] girl: idiot [8/14/2017 4:13:16 AM] aj: See? [8/14/2017 4:13:20 AM] aj: It's that tension, right there. [8/14/2017 4:13:40 AM] girl: Yes aj i know about it [8/14/2017 4:14:03 AM] aj: I have the smuggest smirk I can manage. [8/14/2017 4:14:12 AM] girl: Shut the fuck up oh my god [8/14/2017 4:14:37 AM] aj: I appreciate your observations.  I guess that's something I forget. [8/14/2017 4:14:55 AM] aj: A lot of shit doesn't matter to me.  Caring about it takes a lot of energy, and I'm lazy. [8/14/2017 4:15:04 AM] aj: and besides, why bother?  It leads nowhere. [8/14/2017 4:15:14 AM] girl: It's still refreshing [8/14/2017 4:15:53 AM] girl: I think a lot of people need someone who feels like things are ultimately going to be okay with everything and that nothing matters and that its okay to do what the fuck ever [8/14/2017 4:18:08 AM] girl: I might be projecting a bit here or even just bragging but honestly people love me when i am very open and accepting of self serving and slothful behavior instead of lying and saying no one is self serving or slothful and i think people like that a lot because lots of people lie and pretend to be all sorts of fake things they arent and that it would be pointless to be [8/14/2017 4:18:23 AM] girl: Not that it has much to do with the conversation you had with that girl [8/14/2017 4:19:31 AM] girl: But you're relaxing and comforting sometimes in how much you seem pretty much fine with most things that you cant change [8/14/2017 4:20:04 AM] girl: i know im making only half sense but I hope its enough to get across what im saying [8/14/2017 4:20:11 AM] aj: I mean, I have lots of opinions on things, but like, I'm just one person.  I know how temporary things are.  I get you. [8/14/2017 4:20:15 AM] girl: Its 420 dude [8/14/2017 4:20:19 AM] aj: In your case, you're very accepting. [8/14/2017 4:20:27 AM] girl: hits the bong [8/14/2017 4:20:31 AM] aj: Enabling, probably. [8/14/2017 4:20:39 AM] girl: Absolutely [8/14/2017 4:20:42 AM] aj: But I think what people like is that you mean well. [8/14/2017 4:20:58 AM] aj: Even if you're being a self-serving and spoiled princess about it. [8/14/2017 4:21:03 AM] aj: You mean well. [8/14/2017 4:21:08 AM] girl: im a total peace of shit and i encourage pos behavior in others [8/14/2017 4:21:14 AM] girl: Yes i am a princess [8/14/2017 4:21:21 AM] girl: Thank you for noticing [8/14/2017 4:21:50 AM] aj: You act like I don't just playfully deny it because telling you I honestly think you're a princess would fluster you. [8/14/2017 4:22:06 AM] aj: I do both of us favors. [8/14/2017 4:22:25 AM] girl: It would not [8/14/2017 4:22:39 AM] aj: Took you long enough. [8/14/2017 4:22:47 AM] girl: Shut up? [8/14/2017 4:22:53 AM] girl: Die? [8/14/2017 4:22:58 AM] aj: Okay, princess~ [8/14/2017 4:23:05 AM] girl: OKAY [8/14/2017 4:23:12 AM] girl: fair ENOUGH [8/14/2017 4:24:10 AM] aj: I'm glad you're seeing how difficult my position is. [8/14/2017 4:24:15 AM] girl: Fucking flirt [8/14/2017 4:24:37 AM] aj: Just being honest. [8/14/2017 4:24:42 AM] girl: right [8/14/2017 4:26:01 AM] girl: You even did it just now, I mean, say something about how selfish and bratty i am but somehow make me not feel so bad about it at all because it doesnt feel like you care or think its horrible of me [8/14/2017 4:26:12 AM] girl: i think most people cant pull that off [8/14/2017 4:26:34 AM] girl: It's impressive i think [8/14/2017 4:26:54 AM] aj: People overcomplicate simple shit, and then fail to recognize the actual complicated parts. [8/14/2017 4:27:29 AM] aj: You love being spoiled.  Even if it's bad for you.  So you're accepting of others, even if they might need something stern said to them.  You love how you want to be loved. [8/14/2017 4:27:50 AM] aj: The important thing to focus on is that you do honestly care. [8/14/2017 4:28:02 AM] aj: Nobody's an angel.  You demand to be called princess, not angel. [8/14/2017 4:28:10 AM] aj: and besides, angels are scary fucks. [8/14/2017 4:28:42 AM] girl: Too many eyes [8/14/2017 4:28:49 AM] aj: and really, with how stupid and judgemental-over-the-wrong-things people are [8/14/2017 4:28:57 AM] aj: being overly accepting isn't so bad [8/14/2017 4:29:22 AM] girl: I like talking to you like this when i hate myself less than i did a few years ago. [8/14/2017 4:29:27 AM] girl: A lot [8/14/2017 4:29:43 AM] girl: I'm still having a pretty good time but im so much less stressed out [8/14/2017 4:30:08 AM] girl: I mean im always at a baseline of "at least a little stressed out" [8/14/2017 4:30:33 AM] girl: but its so different on my end, and the same too, but different [8/14/2017 4:31:28 AM] girl: I think being overly accepting is what makes me less afraid of people and more willing to help others and gets me into lots of situations where i sit down and talk to people and hear things i wouldnt hear if they were scared id judge them [8/14/2017 4:32:20 AM] girl: I judge them anyway but not where they can hear me lol. Bc i think gossip is healthy and helps process things [8/14/2017 4:33:55 AM] girl: And I think fighting people who are on your side is stupid [8/14/2017 4:35:34 AM] aj: Hmm.  Yeah, I can see that working, especially for you.  I think people find you to be good to vent to. [8/14/2017 4:35:47 AM] girl: I'm still probably dog girl for you but I'm not so scared of everything or that youll hate me for some stupid reason or anything . Makes me feel Happier [8/14/2017 4:35:56 AM] aj: Even I feel comfortable sharing with you.  History and tension notwithstanding. [8/14/2017 4:36:13 AM] girl: Hahahahha [8/14/2017 4:36:44 AM] girl: It's special to be shared with [8/14/2017 4:37:02 AM] girl: Usually i try to treat it like treasures someone handed me [8/14/2017 4:38:41 AM] girl: “They’re like baseball bats,” said David Gombas, vice president of the Center for Development of Research Policy and New Technologies at the National Food Processors Association (they could really use a shorter name). “But once [the carrots] go through the cooking process, they come out looking like the small young ones that you'd put into your soup.” [8/14/2017 4:38:49 AM] girl: i clickbait [8/14/2017 4:38:59 AM] girl: Enormous carrots [8/14/2017 4:39:08 AM] girl: Like baseball bats he says [8/14/2017 4:39:22 AM] aj: I didn't know you stayed flustered for so long. [8/14/2017 4:41:18 AM] girl: shut up [8/14/2017 4:41:26 AM] girl: what is yhat even supposed to mean [8/14/2017 4:41:57 AM] girl: i hate you [8/14/2017 4:42:10 AM] aj: Mhm. [8/14/2017 4:42:18 AM] girl: dont fucking mhm me [8/14/2017 4:42:33 AM] aj: I was agreeing with you. [8/14/2017 4:42:39 AM] aj: You like when I do that, remember? [8/14/2017 4:42:54 AM] girl: You're suhc a FUCKER [8/14/2017 4:43:10 AM] girl: youre the worst. youre the absolute worst [8/14/2017 4:43:19 AM] aj: Mhm. [8/14/2017 4:43:32 AM] girl: How could you even fucking say im a tease when youre like THIS [8/14/2017 4:43:50 AM] girl: like [8/14/2017 4:44:01 AM] girl: Excuse you???? [8/14/2017 4:44:24 AM] aj: Did you want an answer? [8/14/2017 4:44:32 AM] girl: Yes!!! [8/14/2017 4:44:41 AM] aj: Because you are a tease. [8/14/2017 4:44:51 AM] aj: That's how I can say it. [8/14/2017 4:45:43 AM] girl: Okay well thats retarded of you and no im not [8/14/2017 4:46:09 AM] girl: I like, hardly flirt, like honestly just a smallest bit, I'm honestly not nearly as bad as you [8/14/2017 4:46:44 AM] girl: honestly im good and do good, honestly, i deserve awards for it [8/14/2017 4:46:58 AM] aj: You sure do, princess. [8/14/2017 4:47:45 AM] girl: Oh my god [8/14/2017 4:47:51 AM] girl: Aj!!! [8/14/2017 4:48:02 AM] aj: Hm? [8/14/2017 4:48:09 AM] aj: What's wrong? [8/14/2017 4:48:49 AM] girl: That's not funny!! You know i think you're you know fucking WHAT and its not nice to tease me even if i am cute [8/14/2017 4:49:28 AM] girl: I do my best every day and i do NOT tease you [8/14/2017 4:49:42 AM] girl: I'm Professional [8/14/2017 4:49:55 AM] aj: Uh huh. [8/14/2017 4:50:19 AM] girl: Oh my god [8/14/2017 4:50:22 AM] aj: More seriously, I have to walk a lot of lines you don't. [8/14/2017 4:50:54 AM] aj: and besides, you're having fun. [8/14/2017 4:51:20 AM] girl: Of course i am, but that doesn't mean you're not mean and horrible [8/14/2017 4:51:42 AM] aj: Me being mean and horrible was never in question.  Of course I'm mean and horrible. [8/14/2017 4:51:50 AM] aj: I thought we went over that. [8/14/2017 4:51:50 AM] girl: like honestly if you don't think I'm struggling you truly are not paying any attention [8/14/2017 4:52:21 AM] girl: i thought. I was doing. A good job [8/14/2017 4:52:40 AM] aj: You were, which is why I gave you some things you like. [8/14/2017 4:52:44 AM] aj: Like calling you Princess. [8/14/2017 4:53:04 AM] aj: You're the one calling me a tease and stuff, and I feel so attacked. [8/14/2017 4:53:30 AM] aj: You beg to be spoiled, and when I actually do it, I get this. [8/14/2017 4:53:35 AM] girl: You are a fycking tease and you called me it first [8/14/2017 4:53:42 AM] girl: I didnt beg for anything! [8/14/2017 4:54:12 AM] aj: and, of course I did [8/14/2017 4:54:18 AM] aj: Because you are one. [8/14/2017 4:54:35 AM] aj: You're overcomplicating this. [8/14/2017 4:54:36 AM] girl: How!!! [8/14/2017 4:55:17 AM] girl: Excuse me I'm not good at simplifying my attraction to you [8/14/2017 4:55:28 AM] girl: myyyy damnnn badddd 9____9 [8/14/2017 4:55:31 AM] aj: That's fair. [8/14/2017 4:55:38 AM] aj:  /headpats [8/14/2017 4:55:53 AM] girl: Don't headpat me [8/14/2017 4:56:07 AM] aj: Just now, or never again? [8/14/2017 4:56:07 AM] girl: you deserve scorn and cold shoulders [8/14/2017 4:56:18 AM] girl: id be sad if you never did it again [8/14/2017 4:56:22 AM] girl: so [8/14/2017 4:56:33 AM] aj: Oh, okay then. [8/14/2017 4:56:36 AM] aj:  /headpats [8/14/2017 4:56:41 AM] aj: I don't want you to be sad. [8/14/2017 4:57:05 AM] girl: and you made me say it [8/14/2017 4:57:11 AM] girl: which is really rude [8/14/2017 4:57:51 AM] girl: put, my elephant, back in the closet, where she belongs [8/14/2017 4:58:57 AM] aj: See, I have to balance all sorts of different considerations. [8/14/2017 4:59:06 AM] aj: Whenever I give you what you want. [8/14/2017 4:59:21 AM] girl: What do you mean? [8/14/2017 4:59:46 AM] aj: I can't spoil you without this sort of conversation happening. [8/14/2017 4:59:55 AM] aj: But if I don't spoil you, you also get pouty. [8/14/2017 5:00:05 AM] girl: I don't get pouty [8/14/2017 5:00:37 AM] aj: At the very minimum, whenever you demand to be spoiled, and I don't [8/14/2017 5:00:41 AM] aj: you then press for it more. [8/14/2017 5:00:59 AM] girl: I wasn't doing that just now, was i? [8/14/2017 5:01:35 AM] girl: also, it's my nature and I can't help that i need to be spoiled all the time [8/14/2017 5:01:53 AM] girl: I'm a very rotten girl [8/14/2017 5:02:36 AM] aj: I like how you shift from "I didn't ask for it this time" to "Even when I do ask for it, it's just my nature, don't judge me." [8/14/2017 5:02:52 AM] aj: I don't mind you wanting to be spoiled a lot. [8/14/2017 5:03:03 AM] aj: You do it in a cute way. [8/14/2017 5:03:15 AM] girl: God [8/14/2017 5:03:34 AM] girl: You're making me blush lol cool [8/14/2017 5:04:12 AM] aj: Really, all that shift tells me is that you just constantly want to be spoiled. [8/14/2017 5:04:15 AM] aj: Even when not asking for it. [8/14/2017 5:04:18 AM] aj: Which means. [8/14/2017 5:04:31 AM] aj: Where's the problem when I spoil you, even if you don't ask for it? [8/14/2017 5:04:55 AM] girl: I guess there isn't a fuckening problem [8/14/2017 5:05:11 AM] aj: See?  I told you there was no problem. [8/14/2017 5:05:11 AM] girl: But you can't spoil me just cause you pity me [8/14/2017 5:06:00 AM] girl: I don't want to be spoiled if your heart doesn't think I'm cute and deserving of being spoiled [8/14/2017 5:06:16 AM] aj: I think you're cute. [8/14/2017 5:06:26 AM] aj: That's what you really wanted to know, wasn't it? [8/14/2017 5:06:39 AM] aj: I could get away with an "I don't pity you" [8/14/2017 5:06:47 AM] aj: But you really wanted to know if I thought you were cute [8/14/2017 5:06:50 AM] aj: So, there. [8/14/2017 5:07:10 AM] girl: You could, but I'll give you brownie points for the other thing [8/14/2017 5:07:32 AM] girl: You're really ruthless [8/14/2017 5:09:10 AM] girl: But I'm serious when i say I don't want you to spoil me if your hearts not in it, I'd be disappointed, but I'd rather feel disappointed than stupid for liking half assed spoilings so much [8/14/2017 5:09:33 AM] girl: See? Im dog [8/14/2017 5:09:55 AM] aj:  /headpats [8/14/2017 5:10:38 AM] aj: These are top-tier spoilings. [8/14/2017 5:10:45 AM] girl: Hah [8/14/2017 5:10:50 AM] girl: Cute [8/14/2017 5:11:22 AM] aj: So. [8/14/2017 5:11:29 AM] aj: You have no reason to feel disappointment. [8/14/2017 5:11:51 AM] girl: Ahhh, im such a sucker for you, you know that? [8/14/2017 5:12:27 AM] aj: When you would continuously say you wish we didn't have a fucked up past because you wonder how we'd be like, I sort of got the hint. [8/14/2017 5:12:47 AM] girl: Lol how embarrassing of me [8/14/2017 5:14:18 AM] girl: On one hand im surprised how easily ive been suckered into feeling so smitten again but [8/14/2017 5:14:44 AM] girl: on the other hand i know i just shove that one down as hard as i can most times which isn't very hard evidently [8/14/2017 5:15:02 AM] girl:  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ guess im just a little freak [8/14/2017 5:15:12 AM] aj: Incidentally, you saying things like that is what makes you a tease. [8/14/2017 5:15:25 AM] girl: It helps me not to implode [8/14/2017 5:15:35 AM] aj: I get it [8/14/2017 5:15:40 AM] girl: I could be doing worse [8/14/2017 5:15:57 AM] girl: But I'm nicer than you most times [8/14/2017 5:16:18 AM] aj: You seem to think that what you do doesn't have an impact on me. [8/14/2017 5:16:31 AM] aj: I'm just better at not showing it. [8/14/2017 5:16:46 AM] aj: You're just as bad as me. [8/14/2017 5:16:55 AM] girl: I feel a little smug if thatsbyou admitting youre flustered [8/14/2017 5:17:09 AM] girl: am not [8/14/2017 5:17:19 AM] girl: I so am not as bad as you [8/14/2017 5:17:20 AM] aj: Did I not tell you the dog thing was mutual? [8/14/2017 5:17:23 AM] aj: I think I did. [8/14/2017 5:17:38 AM] girl: Idiot [8/14/2017 5:18:14 AM] girl: I'm really not good at hiding it, then, huh [8/14/2017 5:18:24 AM] aj: Not at all. [8/14/2017 5:18:39 AM] girl: Thats [8/14/2017 5:18:42 AM] girl: Embarrassing [8/14/2017 5:18:56 AM] aj: I try to not mention it or call you on it most times, for that reason. [8/14/2017 5:19:05 AM] aj: That's what I mean by walking the lines I walk. [8/14/2017 5:19:14 AM] girl: I know [8/14/2017 5:19:24 AM] girl: I'm sorry i tease you, then [8/14/2017 5:19:42 AM] aj: Did I ever say I hated it? [8/14/2017 5:19:50 AM] girl: god [8/14/2017 5:19:55 AM] girl: You're getting me like [8/14/2017 5:20:00 AM] girl: Pretty fucking consistently [8/14/2017 5:21:33 AM] girl: I really try and keep it under wraps, i promise, so [8/14/2017 5:22:01 AM] girl: telling me stuff like you don't hate it is like [8/14/2017 5:22:06 AM] girl: Severely tempting [8/14/2017 5:22:20 AM] girl: I don't have as much self control as you [8/14/2017 5:22:42 AM] girl: and im impulsive and gluttonous for attention, especially yours [8/14/2017 5:23:23 AM] aj: I get you. [8/14/2017 5:23:38 AM] aj: It's why, for the most part, I just pretend not to notice. [8/14/2017 5:24:40 AM] girl: Do i do it a lot? [8/14/2017 5:25:28 AM] aj: Hmm.  So, while I might tease you consistently, I don't say the things that you do.  The difference is that you get attention and some affection from me. [8/14/2017 5:26:10 AM] aj: But when you tease, it's you flirting with ideas of an "us", you know?  Or you're more overtly sexual. [8/14/2017 5:27:01 AM] aj: Different in magnitude. [8/14/2017 5:27:05 AM] girl: It's not to be mean, m sorry if it feels like it [8/14/2017 5:27:14 AM] aj: I know you're not being mean. [8/14/2017 5:27:19 AM] aj: I know it's a self control thing. [8/14/2017 5:27:42 AM] girl: I genuinely have a hard time wrapping my head around not liking you the way i do and just figure ill die like this and itll be chill [8/14/2017 5:28:05 AM] aj: I like being relaxed around you and talking with you. [8/14/2017 5:28:34 AM] aj: When I tease, it's in fun and because I'm relaxed around you. [8/14/2017 5:28:44 AM] aj: and also because you set yourself up for it, really. [8/14/2017 5:28:53 AM] girl: Whoops [8/14/2017 5:29:53 AM] girl: I've always had a really hard time letting people go and letting people go when i love/d them romantically. [8/14/2017 5:30:17 AM] girl: And it kind of just is normal for me [8/14/2017 5:30:37 AM] girl: But it makes me happy you feel comfortable [8/14/2017 5:31:09 AM] girl: I'll probably be an Old Bitch and still think you're kind of hot [8/14/2017 5:31:41 AM] aj:  /headpats [8/14/2017 5:32:08 AM] aj: I don't mind it, but I view it as probably a healthier outlet than you repressing it. [8/14/2017 5:32:25 AM] aj: and I can handle you doing what you do without you needing to worry that I'll lose self-control. [8/14/2017 5:32:33 AM] girl: You think so? [8/14/2017 5:32:51 AM] aj: Yes. [8/14/2017 5:33:01 AM] girl: I try to be good anyway [8/14/2017 5:33:08 AM] aj: I don't want to fuck your life up any more than I already have. [8/14/2017 5:33:16 AM] aj: So, that's a very strong conviction. [8/14/2017 5:33:50 AM] girl: Pats your faceb [8/14/2017 5:34:12 AM] girl: I'm sorry I still feel this way [8/14/2017 5:34:21 AM] girl: I'm like a little leech girl [8/14/2017 5:34:34 AM] aj: You're not the only one in my life who does it? [8/14/2017 5:34:40 AM] aj: and you're more honest than the other one. [8/14/2017 5:34:58 AM] aj: The other one will bring up the past here or there, or throw <3 emotes seriously. [8/14/2017 5:35:08 AM] aj: But would fucking deny it if I called her on it. [8/14/2017 5:35:11 AM] aj: You're honest. [8/14/2017 5:35:17 AM] aj: I can respect you. [8/14/2017 5:35:24 AM] aj: You don't play games. [8/14/2017 5:36:18 AM] girl: Not sure if that makes me a little jealous or just embarrassed for myself because i throw <3 emotes at you or concerned about my thoughts [8/14/2017 5:36:38 AM] aj: You'll fess up when I call you on it. [8/14/2017 5:36:43 AM] aj: That makes all the difference. [8/14/2017 5:36:52 AM] girl: What's the point if you caught me? [8/14/2017 5:36:53 AM] aj: I don't care how bad you are, so long as you own it. [8/14/2017 5:37:03 AM] girl: Hahahaha [8/14/2017 5:37:18 AM] girl: You sure you don't just pity me? [8/14/2017 5:37:27 AM] girl: I really hate embarrassing myself [8/14/2017 5:37:35 AM] aj: You're cute. [8/14/2017 5:37:36 AM] girl: so im double checking [8/14/2017 5:37:47 AM] aj: I like talking with you. [8/14/2017 5:38:21 AM] girl: I like talking with you [8/14/2017 5:38:39 AM] girl: You can't say stuff like you don't care how bad i am [8/14/2017 5:38:51 AM] girl: this is pansy shit aj [8/14/2017 5:38:57 AM] girl: I'm fucking terrible [8/14/2017 5:39:08 AM] aj: Yeah, and when you annoy me, I'll tell you. [8/14/2017 5:39:18 AM] aj: But then you stop being annoying and we're cool. [8/14/2017 5:39:30 AM] aj: There's no need for me to hold some sort of grudge over it. [8/14/2017 5:39:40 AM] girl: It would scald me to be called annoying [8/14/2017 5:39:53 AM] girl: I probably would brood over it for weeks [8/14/2017 5:40:37 AM] girl: But the threat of being called annoying has straightened me out. Locked that shit back up right Quick. [8/14/2017 5:40:52 AM] aj: So, look.  I've read stuff written by people who are Saints.  I've read shit from terrible people.  Everyone's human.  Even on your best day, you are probably not as good as the saints, or as bad as those terrible people. [8/14/2017 5:41:16 AM] aj: So no matter how bad you are, I don't care.  It won't be something that registers with me. [8/14/2017 5:41:23 AM] aj: Just so long as you know what you are. [8/14/2017 5:41:31 AM] girl: Idiot [8/14/2017 5:41:49 AM] aj: If you deny it and you're denying it because you've tricked yourself into thinking you're not capable of saint things or terrible things, then I dislike that. [8/14/2017 5:42:03 AM] aj: If you deny it because it's embarrassing, I'll play along. [8/14/2017 5:42:08 AM] aj: Most times. [8/14/2017 5:42:14 AM] girl: Hahahaha [8/14/2017 5:42:26 AM] aj: but I can spot the difference, usually. [8/14/2017 5:42:32 AM] girl: you're kind, in a twisted sort of way [8/14/2017 5:43:16 AM] girl: you manage to pluck out things about me I'm not always paying attention to [8/14/2017 5:43:47 AM] girl: its neat to look at things like that even when I feel weirdly exposed [8/14/2017 5:44:12 AM] aj: This is how I handle most everyone. [8/14/2017 5:44:29 AM] aj: It's why people get spooked by me, but also why I get dog people a lot. [8/14/2017 5:44:39 AM] girl: Woof woof [8/14/2017 5:45:49 AM] girl: I just thought about that dream i had about you [8/14/2017 5:46:10 AM] girl: where you worked in the back of some asian fusion restaurant as a cook or something [8/14/2017 5:46:26 AM] girl: and one of my friends kept calling you a womans name [8/14/2017 5:47:08 AM] aj: (It better have been a fucking A+ Cute name.) [8/14/2017 5:47:14 AM] girl: Oh and aja drom rupauls drag race fucking blew you up!! Thats scary. Why did he do it... [8/14/2017 5:47:17 AM] girl: Ashley lol [8/14/2017 5:47:24 AM] aj: That's a slut name. [8/14/2017 5:47:29 AM] aj: Fuck that dream. [8/14/2017 5:47:33 AM] girl: cause youre a slut i guess [8/14/2017 5:47:42 AM] girl: ;( [8/14/2017 5:47:53 AM] aj: Yeah, but like [8/14/2017 5:48:00 AM] aj: Ashley is the slut everyone knows is a slut. [8/14/2017 5:48:06 AM] girl: "Yea but like" uh huh [8/14/2017 5:48:08 AM] aj: Because of the name. [8/14/2017 5:48:13 AM] girl: Uh huh [8/14/2017 5:48:17 AM] girl: right [8/14/2017 5:48:26 AM] aj: My replies don't work on me like they do on you. [8/14/2017 5:48:53 AM] aj: I'll be merciless with you, I'm warning you. [8/14/2017 5:48:54 AM] girl: You got blown up by a drag queen who was eliminated in the second episode and youre worried about your dumb name [8/14/2017 5:49:03 AM] girl: oh no [8/14/2017 5:49:04 AM] aj: Of course I am. [8/14/2017 5:49:10 AM] aj: The rest is stupid. [8/14/2017 5:49:12 AM] girl: He's going to be merciless with me [8/14/2017 5:49:23 AM] aj: Bark for me, Princess. [8/14/2017 5:49:37 AM] girl: OKAY DAMN OKA [8/14/2017 5:50:10 AM] girl: OKAY! Lol! Thats chill. Haha. Fuck. Okay [8/14/2017 5:50:24 AM] aj: I'm glad we understand each other, now. [8/14/2017 5:50:36 AM] girl: ........ [8/14/2017 5:51:05 AM] girl: (´ ∀ ` *) [8/14/2017 5:51:09 AM] girl: You know [8/14/2017 5:51:14 AM] girl: I'm not that petty [8/14/2017 5:51:38 AM] girl: You can have it aj. You. Can fucken. Have it. I Mmm not gonna stoop to your level. [8/14/2017 5:51:43 AM] girl: probably [8/14/2017 5:52:29 AM] aj: Honestly, I think it's more that you're worried your best won't work on me, but sure.  We can go with this story. [8/14/2017 5:52:38 AM] girl: Lol [8/14/2017 5:52:46 AM] girl: Is that what yoy think [8/14/2017 5:52:54 AM] girl: Is that really what you think [8/14/2017 5:52:57 AM] aj: I said it. [8/14/2017 5:53:04 AM] girl: Thats really. Really. Cute! Thats really cute [8/14/2017 5:53:09 AM] girl: Thats hilarious [8/14/2017 5:53:38 AM] girl: The devil is tempting me and I'm holding my head up high and saying no, satan, I'm not gonna play your games today [8/14/2017 5:53:52 AM] girl: But, good god, almighty [8/14/2017 5:54:03 AM] girl: I am being tempted and tested [8/14/2017 5:54:41 AM] aj: That's a lot of lines for a narrative we both know doesn't hold up. [8/14/2017 5:54:44 AM] aj: But, again, sure. [8/14/2017 5:55:02 AM] girl: :))))) [8/14/2017 5:55:24 AM] girl: Don't push it boy [8/14/2017 5:55:56 AM] aj: I'm still waiting on that "woof". [8/14/2017 5:56:17 AM] girl: Youre a demon [8/14/2017 5:56:35 AM] aj: You should be happy about that.  It means I play by a set of rules. [8/14/2017 5:57:47 AM] girl: Do you have any idea how attracted to you i am? Do you have any clue even at all? I like honestly am so good and its so fucking mean to play into shit you remember i fucking like like fuck off thats so mean holy shit like [8/14/2017 5:57:54 AM] girl: Thats downright cruel [8/14/2017 5:58:02 AM] girl: And you know what!!! [8/14/2017 5:58:36 AM] girl: I'm probably going to get off to it later. :))). So there. [8/14/2017 5:58:48 AM] aj: I was hoping the next line was "woof". [8/14/2017 5:58:54 AM] girl: (((:. You have thrown me into hell. [8/14/2017 5:58:55 AM] aj: That would have been great. [8/14/2017 5:59:05 AM] aj: You missed out on like, the best stinger to that. [8/14/2017 5:59:22 AM] girl: :))). [8/14/2017 5:59:32 AM] aj:  /headpats [8/14/2017 5:59:44 AM] girl: Eat shit, and die [8/14/2017 6:00:08 AM] aj: See, you never can just let things go [8/14/2017 6:00:19 AM] aj: That's your problem. [8/14/2017 6:00:26 AM] aj: Because you do that, and then I have to escalate. [8/14/2017 6:00:33 AM] girl: Right [8/14/2017 6:00:43 AM] girl: My fault [8/14/2017 6:01:14 AM] girl: You told me to Bark for you [8/14/2017 6:01:28 AM] aj: I warned you. [8/14/2017 6:01:34 AM] aj: Beforehand. [8/14/2017 6:01:46 AM] girl: it was cruel of you [8/14/2017 6:02:00 AM] aj: You should take my warnings, then. [8/14/2017 6:03:42 AM] girl: Nope. Just gonna keep adding to me repertoire of Erotic Jack Off Fodder. Thats on you babe. Honestly? Thats your fault. You told me to fucking bark for you and im just gonna take that one   [8/14/2017 6:03:54 AM] girl: Like its mine now, sorry. [8/14/2017 6:03:58 AM] aj: Cool. [8/14/2017 6:04:19 AM] girl: 🙄 [8/14/2017 6:04:23 AM] aj: It's sort of incomplete. [8/14/2017 6:04:31 AM] girl: WOOF [8/14/2017 6:04:34 AM] aj: I'm gonna get some sleep shortly, so I'll give you a little more. [8/14/2017 6:05:24 AM] aj: So, don't get off to it later unless you put a collar or choker on your neck.  Close your eyes and imagine the palm of my hand on top of your head.  You'll get all the affection you want while you're barking and whimpering. [8/14/2017 6:05:40 AM] aj: <3 [8/14/2017 6:05:41 AM] girl: Holy fucking shit [8/14/2017 6:05:53 AM] girl: Literally die [8/14/2017 6:06:01 AM] aj: Oh, and... [8/14/2017 6:06:14 AM] aj: Wherever you go, let my voice follow you. [8/14/2017 6:06:19 AM] aj: There. [8/14/2017 6:06:33 AM] girl: I'm [8/14/2017 6:06:39 AM] girl: Gonna [8/14/2017 6:06:44 AM] girl: Die now [8/14/2017 6:06:54 AM] girl: You fucking idiot [8/14/2017 6:07:09 AM] aj: Ah, but all of that makes this so much more meaningful [8/14/2017 6:07:14 AM] aj:  /lots of headpats [8/14/2017 6:07:18 AM] aj: :3 [8/14/2017 6:07:31 AM] girl: HhahahaH [8/14/2017 6:07:41 AM] girl: Fuck you [8/14/2017 6:08:40 AM] aj: Mm, well, it's time for me to get some rest. [8/14/2017 6:09:14 AM] aj: I'm sure you're furiously worked up, furiously blushing, and probably just furious. [8/14/2017 6:09:20 AM] aj: Goodnight [8/14/2017 6:09:23 AM] aj: ~ [8/14/2017 6:13:00 AM] girl: Goodnight you idiot [8/14/2017 6:13:25 AM] girl: And you're right! Hope you feel great about it! [8/14/2017 4:44:51 PM] girl: Idiot [8/14/2017 4:44:58 PM] girl: idiot idiot idiot [8/14/2017 6:06:55 PM] aj: Hmm? [8/14/2017 6:07:33 PM] girl: Dont hmm me like you dont know [8/14/2017 6:08:52 PM] aj: Hah, fair enough. [8/14/2017 6:08:55 PM] aj: I'm glad it was good. [8/14/2017 6:09:32 PM] girl: Okay, i never said that [8/14/2017 6:09:44 PM] aj: No, you didn't. [8/14/2017 6:09:51 PM] aj: Here's your chance to deny it. [8/14/2017 6:10:35 PM] girl: 🙄 [8/14/2017 6:11:26 PM] aj: That shows up as a box, for me. [8/14/2017 6:11:53 PM] aj: One of those that implies I don't have the right fonts or something. [8/14/2017 6:11:57 PM] girl: Its the eyeroll emoji [8/14/2017 6:11:57 PM] aj: Anyways. [8/14/2017 6:12:47 PM] girl: You're like [8/14/2017 6:13:23 PM] girl: It shouldn't be so easy for you to push my buttons like that idiot [8/14/2017 6:13:46 PM] aj: Do you believe me when I tell you I've gotten better at pushing buttons in general, now? [8/14/2017 6:16:42 PM] girl: Probably [8/14/2017 6:17:18 PM] aj: Good answer. [8/14/2017 6:18:22 PM] girl: I just hope it wasn't to really condescend me or pity me, even though I didn't dislike you beinh a flirt [8/14/2017 6:18:31 PM] girl: You fuckinhg flirt [8/14/2017 6:18:42 PM] aj: I'm going to say this one more time. [8/14/2017 6:18:57 PM] girl: I know [8/14/2017 6:19:05 PM] girl: I just worry [8/14/2017 6:19:24 PM] aj: I like you.  I like flirting with you.  I think you're cute.  I have always thought you act cute, even when you sometimes go really creepy or strange. [8/14/2017 6:20:26 PM] aj: Just like you, I have to deal with fucked up feelings.  But that's them. [8/14/2017 6:21:57 PM] aj: I think doing things out of pity is a shit reason to do things. [8/14/2017 6:22:08 PM] aj: and I don't really have too much pity. [8/14/2017 6:22:16 PM] aj: I am more likely to pity-fuck than pity-flirt. [8/14/2017 6:22:43 PM] girl: Hahaha. [8/14/2017 6:23:47 PM] girl: I just get scared that im crumbling weirdly in front of you and that its a mess and that you dont feel messy at all too, causr I really hate making an ass of myself [8/14/2017 6:24:32 PM] girl: But I've almost always really liked you and when I haven't I've still felt pretty crazy about you [8/14/2017 6:25:04 PM] girl: Sorry im a creep too sometimes hahahaha [8/14/2017 6:25:16 PM] aj: Being honest with it is easier.  I just tend not to say it.  Being honest usually makes me not be crumbly about it. [8/14/2017 6:25:18 PM] aj: It [8/14/2017 6:25:29 PM] aj: It's weird and nobody I know would understand or approve. [8/14/2017 6:25:52 PM] aj: But that's just how it is. [8/14/2017 6:25:57 PM] aj: Best to be honest with it. [8/14/2017 6:26:07 PM] aj: Being honest with it means I can better handle it. [8/14/2017 6:26:08 PM] girl: Hah [8/14/2017 6:26:35 PM] girl: You're cute sometimes [8/14/2017 6:26:56 PM] girl: I woke up really late cause I talked to you so long [8/14/2017 6:28:06 PM] girl: I'm not quite as pathetic for you as i used to be but I'm still a dog girl it seems [8/14/2017 6:28:33 PM] aj: I wasn't exactly giving you an easy time of it. [8/14/2017 6:28:37 PM] aj: For what it's worth. [8/14/2017 6:28:42 PM] aj: Don't think too badly of yourself. [8/14/2017 6:28:48 PM] girl: I don't mind so much. I guess cause I'm not surprised. [8/14/2017 6:28:57 PM] girl: Hahahaha [8/14/2017 6:29:33 PM] girl: That's not all you. I think about you that way more often than is appropriate or excusable [8/14/2017 6:29:48 PM] aj: I know. [8/14/2017 6:29:58 PM] aj: Mostly because you tell me so. [8/14/2017 6:30:00 PM] girl: You do? [8/14/2017 6:30:13 PM] aj: I know I might seem disinterested? [8/14/2017 6:30:19 PM] girl: Oh [8/14/2017 6:30:21 PM] aj: But I try to remember stuff. [8/14/2017 6:30:39 PM] aj: and I notice what things you talk about. [8/14/2017 6:30:46 PM] aj: and what interrupts you. [8/14/2017 6:31:09 PM] aj: and there's been no shortage of you yelling at me, which you'd only do if you were frustrated and thinking about me. [8/14/2017 6:31:37 PM] aj: If I was on your mind, you'd put some of the blame on me, and after blaming me, it's fine to yell at me. [8/14/2017 6:31:45 PM] aj: If you couldn't blame me, you wouldn't yell at me. [8/14/2017 6:31:49 PM] aj: You're not like that. [8/14/2017 6:31:57 PM] aj: Even if the blame is flimsy, it has to be there. [8/14/2017 6:32:41 PM] aj: So all it comes down to is noticing. [8/14/2017 6:33:28 PM] aj: You do it in clusters, which usually lines up when other things are going bad for you and so, since I'm still a dirty habit, I pop out more then. [8/14/2017 6:33:44 PM] girl: M sorry about that [8/14/2017 6:33:59 PM] aj: It is what it is. [8/14/2017 6:34:21 PM] aj: I don't care if you're bad, so long as you're honest about it. [8/14/2017 6:34:35 PM] girl: I don't totally understand all your observations of me, maybe mostly cause my memory is sorta bad and I don't really think about the things i do [8/14/2017 6:34:59 PM] girl: But I still think I don't like that ive hurt you [8/14/2017 6:35:44 PM] girl: Ultimately I'm selfish and would probably do it anyway if I really wanted something but... i said before its not nice to scapegoat and I shouldn't [8/14/2017 6:36:07 PM] aj: If I get sick of it, I disappear. [8/14/2017 6:36:11 PM] aj: So it works out. [8/14/2017 6:36:43 PM] girl: I hope you're not sick of other stuff i do, but I understand if you are [8/14/2017 6:36:58 PM] aj: You have nothing to worry about right now. [8/14/2017 6:37:05 PM] girl: I still don't like it [8/14/2017 6:37:15 PM] aj:  /headpats [8/14/2017 6:37:20 PM] aj: We all carry some guilt. [8/14/2017 6:37:23 PM] aj: I'm not angry at you. [8/14/2017 6:37:35 PM] aj: If you still dislike what happened, don't do it again. [8/14/2017 6:37:52 PM] girl: I'll try [8/14/2017 6:39:18 PM] girl: I don't like feeling so at your mercy but I know I don't feel right holding something over you in a cruel way [8/14/2017 6:39:42 PM] girl: Or making excuses to be angry with you when they aren't real reasons [8/14/2017 6:39:51 PM] aj: We both have the capability to hurt the other person. [8/14/2017 6:39:55 PM] aj: and to be good to the other person. [8/14/2017 6:40:32 PM] girl: Is it stockholmy or just desperate of me if I want to be good to you? [8/14/2017 6:40:49 PM] aj: Maybe you're just a good person? [8/14/2017 6:41:13 PM] aj: Even if you describe it correctly, assuming a correct answer exists, it won't be less confusing. [8/14/2017 6:41:24 PM] girl: Hahahaha [8/14/2017 6:41:30 PM] girl: You're probably right [8/14/2017 6:41:48 PM] aj: Anyways, I need to go. [8/14/2017 6:41:57 PM] aj: Take it easy [8/14/2017 6:42:07 PM] girl: Where to? [8/14/2017 6:42:12 PM] girl: You too, dummy [8/14/2017 6:42:22 PM] aj: A friend's [8/14/2017 6:42:34 PM] girl: Have fun~ [8/14/2017 6:42:34 PM] aj: We made plans.  So I'm headed over to his. [8/14/2017 6:42:38 PM] aj: Yep [8/14/2017 6:42:53 PM] girl: <3 [8/14/2017 9:14:39 PM] girl: I've always found you pretty unbearably darling [8/14/2017 9:15:28 PM] girl: I slept most of my day away and went on a little night walk [8/14/2017 9:27:26 PM] girl: I'm scared of being left alone and I'm scared of messing up, but I still feel so much more right when I have you around, and I hate that it'll never be in an all the way healthy or normal way. [8/14/2017 9:28:28 PM] girl: It's not a big deal ultimately I guess. I forget what I'm saying... [8/14/2017 9:30:07 PM] girl: I'm scared I'm not special to you though I know you tell me otherwise almost all the time. I like when you spoil me, I like when you pay attention to me, I like when you comfort me. I like to hear about your day and I like when you tell me about yours [8/14/2017 9:30:51 PM] girl: Thanks for paying attention to me and calling me cute when i make it obvious that i want to be called cute [8/14/2017 9:31:20 PM] girl: (´ ∀ ` *) Im happy right now, even though im an unforgivable fuck up [8/15/2017 2:21:41 AM] girl: I HATE sativa so much lol... [8/15/2017 1:07:26 PM] girl: 2 damn hot [8/15/2017 10:46:32 PM] girl: Sorry for always messaging yoy i think its fun and im a little you knowWHAT [8/15/2017 11:41:21 PM] girl: in other news, todayi  put a bunch of hydrangeas in my hair after meticulpously checking them for bugs and then touched a big leaf and a giant fucking carpenter ant fell off and bit me really hard!! [8/15/2017 11:57:13 PM] girl: it was rly cool and i didnt cry (*・∀-)☆