#i get that a stalker or my stupid dad could score high

[jcllyfisn]

     “ I don’t know what is more concerning:            my dad, the mysterious stalker or a man with a panda head. ”

[aaknopf]

The poet Quan Barry is also a fiction writer, whose mischievous We Ride Upon Sticks has just been published. In the fall of 1989, the seniors on the losing Danvers Falcons field hockey team avail themselves of some locally-sourced Salem witchery, in the hope of concocting a winning season. They make a pact, signing their names in a spiral notebook with Emilio Estevez on the cover, and rip and tie strips of Falcons-blue tube sock around all their arms, sealing their dark bond. In the scene below (which includes a special guest appearance by the poet Philip Larkin), the team mingles with members of the football team at their favorite pizza joint. We meet one of the more mysterious players, Girl Cory, so-called because there’s also a Boy Cory on the squad; Boy Cory’s story, like that of Girl Cory, their teammates Jen Fiorenza (whose awesome, high-teased bangs are known to all as “the Claw”), Abby Putnam (ancestor of an original Salem accuser), and others in the mix here, is a journey of identity, community, and the magic of high school friendships.

from We Ride Upon Sticks

“Our butts are going to States this year,” said Jen. “Where are your butts going?” Just then Girl Cory walked in. For a moment the air in Rocco’s filled with the scent of aquamarine waters and palm trees, the harmonies of steel drums, then just as quickly it was back to cheese pizza and the crackling of the deep fryer. “ ’Sup?” Log called out. Most guys at Danvers High didn’t talk to Girl Cory. From what we could glean of teen-boy-dom it seemed most teen boys only have a finite amount of confidence, and they couldn’t afford to go blowing it willy-nilly on a hopeless case like Girl Cory. It was plain to see she was out of everyone’s league. Most people accepted this. It was pure science, like the apple falling from the tree. Girls like Girl Cory didn’t date regular human boys. Historically, since the invention of written records in the girls’ third-floor bathroom concerning who was banging whom, Girl Cory had never dated anyone at Danvers High. Mostly she left in her wake a trail of names from the local private-school universe, places like the Prep, Pingree, even some faraway boy at Deerfield. Log’s “ ’Sup?” was still hanging in the air. Only he among his brethren had confidence to burn. Little did he know but “ ’Sup?” was an excellent question, one we’d been secretly wondering all our lives. Yeah, Girl Cory, what’s up? As she stood at the counter, Girl Cory nodded at Log but didn’t say a word or even take off her Ray-Bans. “And what does your soon-to-be captain have to say about you hosers going to States?” whispered Brian Robinson in a small voice, only looking at Girl Cory indirectly via a shiny plaque mounted on the wall, as if she were a Medusa with the power to transform flesh to stone. “Which is it?” he said. “You guys going to States, or 2-8 again?” “For your information, we haven’t voted for captain yet,” said Jen. Her Claw gave him the stink eye. Rocco’s adult son Vinny slammed her order down on the counter. Ceremoniously, she rose to retrieve her Diet Coke and two slices of Hawaiian. She noticed Log Winters was still staring at Girl Cory. “Take a picture, my friend,” she said, bending over and whispering in Log’s ear. “It’ll last longer.” Then she raised her voice so that all of Rocco’s could partake in the annunciation. “Besides, Cory already has a boyfriend.” “Who’s that?” said Log. “Nobody you’d know,” Jen projected. “He sent her flowers today. Isn’t that right, Cory?” Girl Cory turned and flashed Jen a look that simultaneously said both shut up and keep talking. She was an enigma like that. Honestly, none of us really knew her. Even now that we were all part of the sisterhood of the blue sweat sock, it was like she had constructed a wall to keep us out, a sunroom off the kitchen where she could sit and drink her Earl Grey in peace while the rest of us crowded around a plate of stale bagels in the breakfast nook. Girl Cory pulled a wad of napkins from the dispenser and went over to where Little Smitty was sitting with Mel. What’s up, Girl Cory? All season long, the rest of us standing around wondering, Girl Cory. What. Is. Up? And then one day we’d take a big juicy bite of the apple from the Tree of Knowledge, and to our everlasting sorrow, we’d find out. “Philip” made his first appearance during the ’88 season shortly after Girl Cory passed her driver’s test. It was late October, one of those autumn days when the afternoon sky prematurely takes on a hazy shade of winter. We were just off the school bus after returning from a massacre in Gloucester, 4-0. Truthfully, the score didn’t accurately reflect the gutting we’d endured at the hands of the Gloucester Fishermen. The two senior co-captains, Gina Packer and Mary Ellen Sommers, had gotten into a fight during the coin toss over whether to pick heads or tails. At one point, Gina reached over and ran her finger through the blue face paint where Mary Ellen had spackled the letters DHS on her cheek. We winced. It was like watching someone ruin a beautifully frosted cake. When we finally arrived back at Danvers High, Julie Kaling stopped reciting that part of the Nicene Creed about God from God, Light from Light, true God from true God, her crucifix glinting in the dark of the bus. To be honest, after the kind of outing it had been, some of us found her religious yammering weirdly comforting. We’d grabbed our stuff from the locker room and headed out to wait for our moms to come get us or to bum rides with the seniors who lived in our neighborhoods. Girl Cory had hit the two-fecta, having recently passed her driver’s test and been given her own wheels to boot. Her brand-new white Fiero was parked in the student lot. The Fiero had been purchased weeks before her driving test and was just sitting around in her multi-car garage collecting dust. Driving was still a novelty to her, the monogrammed fingerless gloves still fun to slip on. That day she was giving Abby Putnam a ride home. It was Abby who pointed out the mint-green envelope stuck under the windshield wipers. Girl Cory peeled the envelope off the wet glass and held it between her fingers like a dead roach. “This is a wicked bummer,” she said. “Can you get ticketed here?” Abby shook her head. She watched as her friend tore open the soggy envelope. Girl Cory’s face betrayed nothing. If anything, she looked a little more bloodless. “Lemme see,” said Abby. She took the slip of paper in her hands and stared for a long time at the blurred writing, the washed-out words as if painted in watercolor. Roses are Red— Your Fiero—it’s White— With seating for two. Don’t! Put up a fight—take me with you! The next day before practice we showed the letter around. Heather Houston performed a close reading on it worthy of a 5 on the AP English test. She commented on the juvenile use of the Dickinsonian em dash, the strange imperatives, the elisions, the contradictory tone of both fight and flight. “Whoever wrote this is not playing with a full deck,” she concluded, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose. “It doesn’t even make sense. Like this part. ‘Don’t!’ Don’t what? Use your words, people!” She was practically spitting she was so worked up about it. Poor Heather Houston took weak syntactical choices as a personal affront. Julie Kaling patted her comfortingly on the back. “I dunno, I think it’s sweet,” said Little Smitty softly. This was back in the days before Emilio and the blue tube sock, back when Little Smitty ate all the spinach on her plate happily with a big smile as though it were cotton candy. “What I will say,” said Heather, offering a second conclusion about the note, “is Philip Larkin he is not.” Becca Bjelica looked at AJ Johnson and silently mouthed, Philip who? We were all thinking the same thing. Nobody rolled their eyes at her. How were we supposed to know some curmudgeonly British poet, even one who’d written: They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you. And thus “Philip” was born. That first year “Philip” mostly left little things lying around in plain sight, like a cat who brings its owner dead robins. A tube of Chanel lipstick without the actual lipstick in it. A box of chocolates, but instead of sweets slotted in each compartment, there were rocks. Girl Cory took it all in stride. We didn’t tell anyone in the adult world because what was there to say? Some poor slob had the hots for a girl so beautiful she should have been in a music video, and he left her crazy presents? Back then the word “stalker” wasn’t really part of anyone’s vocabulary. Fatal Attraction had come out the year before, but that was just stuff that happened to sexy creeps like Michael Douglas, who banged complete strangers and mostly had it coming. And so Girl Cory learned to live with it. And so we learned to live vicariously through her. In time, we began to look forward to “Philip’s” offerings. They made us feel like maybe somewhere down the road, somebody, anybody, might possibly want us. Even the time he dropped a note in her schoolbag that said, “I hate you, you stupid peckerhead,” and signed it “Much l♥ve.” We were a bunch of mostly inexperienced teen girls. We thought that’s what true romance was supposed to look like. A boy telling a girl she was a stupid peckerhead, but she was his stupid peckerhead. Lord, make us worthy, we prayed. God from God, Light from Light, Boyfriend from Boy Who Considers Us a Peckerhead. It seemed like the thing to ask for. None of us ever thought to pray for a better caliber of boy.

More on this book and author:

Learn more about We Ride Upon Sticks by Quan Barry

Browse other books by Quan Barry including her four poetry collections published in the Pitt Poetry Series

Read the full text of Philip Larkin's "This Be the Verse" at the Poetry Foundation

Peruse other poems, audio recordings, and broadsides in the Knopf poem-a-day series 

To share the poem-a-day experience with friends, pass along this link.

[episode-escapades]

Don’t propose. There’s no way she’s ready now- surely not. I mean, there’s been no time skip since they’re still wearing the same clothes they were in at the dinner. Did she change her mind in ten minutes?

And I kid you not.

THAT is where this story ends.

Wha...

I have so many questions.

What was with the pointless cheating filler from earlier?

What did Tabasco being pregnant add to the story besides unnecessary discomfort?

Did Tabasco get that job?

What about the baby?

At least if Max had proposed, it would have made sense to end with it. This is just such a... non-ending.

I feel so empty inside. :(

FINAL REVIEW

I was way too harsh on Camp Cuties. I made fun of it a lot, but at least that story wasn’t actively harmful to anyone. Let’s hope that the intimidating length of Love and War keeps people far away from it.

Best chapter: God, I don’t even know. This story is so long I lost track of which chapter I was on a lot of the time. I can’t actually think of a single chapter that I didn’t find unpleasant for one reason or another. I guess I have to go with the chapter where Tabasco steals Max’s clothes and he walks home naked- that shit was good. And it even ended on an emotional note.

Worst chapter: Oh how do I pick just one? Well, on both a structural and storytelling basis, this final chapter was the worst. The not-cheating thing at the beginning was blatant filler because the author couldn’t figure out how to end the story, I feel like Bill should have been more mad at Tabasco for hiding from him for months, and the story ended in such an unsatisfying way.

But the worst chapter in terms of how unpleasant it was for me to read was definitely the chapter where Tabasco goes to that party where she finds out Max has threatened every guy to stay away from her. It showed Max as the possessive creep he truly is, and the fact that it ended with Tabasco finding out she was pregnant with his child and Chloe telling Max against her wishes was the shit icing on the shit cake. That chapter made me sicker than Tabasco ever was.

Best character: Bill! To no one’s surprise, I’m sure. In a story full of stalkers, sexual harassers, fake friends, douchebags, cheaters, and overall just shitty assholes, Bill stood out as the one working lightbulb in a dark room littered with shattered glass. He was just a nice dad who wanted the best for his daughter, and his relationship with Ana was much sweeter than our main romance. When Ana cheated on him merely a couple of days after their wedding, he became such a tragic character. The fact that the only reason Ana became a Derailed Love Interest was to bring Tabasco and Max together makes things even worse. Also, his warning to Tabasco in the first chapter that I initially called “stupid” ended up being completely justified. I’m sorry I ever doubted you, Bill.

Worst character: Max. Do I even need to explain? It’s crazy that with as many horrible characters that there are in this story, our leading man is the worst of them all. I changed my mind on who should be the worst character so many times, but it always came back to Max. A friend of mine compared this story to Fifty Shades of Grey at one point, which may seem odd, but she’s kinda right. We all know the meme about how if Christian Grey from that series was unattractive and poor, it would stop being “romantic” and turn into an episode of Criminal Minds. Really the only thing differentiating Max from Damian is that Max is seen as attractive, whereas Damian isn’t.

Final Score: 1/10. Only the second story and I have to whip out this score. I don’t believe I’m being extreme is saying that this story has harmful messages and could tell young people, especially girls, that the kind of behaviour you see shown by the boys here is acceptable, or even desirable.

And finally, this story comes to a close and I never have to think about it again. Thank you to all the new followers I gained along this journey, and I hope the next story (which will be a lot shorter) will improve on this one. It’s not like the bar is very high.

[nautiscarader]

Kim Possible season 3 recap

And here is part 3 of my KP marathon notes. Obligatory thanks to @fereality-indy for encouraging me to watch this awesome show. 

So, what will happen this this time? Will Kim Possible save another kitten from a tree? Will Ron discover something better than nachos? Will Doctor Drakken release the Krakken? Will Shego puncture her ego? Will Lord Monkeyfist buy Club Banana just because he is bonkers? Will Duff Killigan finally score?

So, let’s see what’s the first big problem KP has to deal with!

Kim being alone on a Friday evening. Okay.

Also, amusingly, everyone is doing something on a Friday evening, including the villians. 

Motorhead turns out to be Drakken’s cousin. okay.

And people know the address of Draken’s lair bc of mailing list

See, it’s the little touches like those that make this show a very accurate portrayal of superheroes and villians. 

KP gets jealous of Ron’s friend in wheelchair because they spend too much time together playing video games, so she has to find a way to “fit in”.

Okay, so they can approach it in a sensible and subtle, or so-cringe-worthy-and-painful-the-skip-button-presses-itself way.

So, which did they choose?

painful it is

Few stupid scenes later, Draken STEALs THE WHEELCHAIR FROM A DISABLED KID

shego: what’s next, stealing lolipop from a baby?

and there is a brilliant running joke about it

is it ableist to say that a joke about disabled person is “running”? Well, this is tumblr you gotta be carfeul

Anyway, turns out that Drakken and Jake the Dog make an actual competent combo, even though they end up in prison. And momma Lipski is still clueless about her son’s profession

Next ep: KIM CHANGED HER HAIR! and she looks cute

Ron is a pickle, but that’s normal

Draken and shego steal moodulators (get it?) from random scientist #464

Shego: if you are so smart why do you always steal instead of inventing things yourself

Draken: it’s called outsourcing, shego

God d amit, that is a smart show. 

And of course moodultaors accidentally fall on KP and SHego, so they act random throughout the day. And boy it is weird when it’s set to loveskick

Shego: steals lolipop from a baby for Drakken because she luvs him

KP turns into  a proper stalker mode for her Ronnie

And Monique is completely fine with it. 

and then kim KISSED him!!!

OMG NOSEBLEED

And then poor Ron has no idea what to do with dating KP so suddenly, and the whole scene where he debates what to do is absolute gold with a punchline that defies expectations. 

Draken and Shego go on a date and boy it is weird. SHE CATWALKS TO HIM

I can already see Disney censors thinking when it’s going to be too much for The Mouse

and kim’s dad threatens to send ron to a black hole when he takes her on a date

Also the random professor wants to sell his no-longer-existent moodulaTors on auction and he thinks about blaming it on the mail. You know, i’ve seen some approaches how to handle a world where superheroes/villians/geniuses live in our society (like in BNHA, for example), but KP so far makes it the best approach, because it makes them so relatable. 

And boy the finale is satisfying because everything completely backfires

Shego and KP got stuck in an anGry mode, and chase their boys. Ron tries to hide in the same place as drakken

Drakken: Dibs!

Ron: Double dibs!

Drakken: all right, you won with your superior dib-calling (ACTUAL QUOTE)

And the day is saved thanks to the power of friendship and not that Kp and ron are definitely in love with each other

KP, Ron, Drakken and Shego somehow manage to get into Tv, where they visit parodies of famous shows

Honestly, meh. I remember a similar episode of Teen Titans, that one was funny as heck.

and then we find out who’s the real villian of the middleton high: THE SCARY LIBRARIAN!

And turns out Ron accidentally put a book Kim rented in his backpack, causing her to get into trouble doing library duties. 

So he goes on a mission to revisit all of the bad guys they fought to see where he might have left it

Okay: calling it now, it’s still in his backpack

Shego: Where’s Possible?

Ron: She’s not my girlfriend!

Shego: Never said she was. 

And Ron accidentally saves the world on that book hunt

Lord Monkey:Ron Stoppable!

Ron: You’re the only one, who remembers my name, I respect that

Okay, so Wade can make stuff invisible. Like, how?

And there we go: the book it was in his backpack all the time. 

Oh, and Ron takes a book from Lord Monkeymonkey contaning a spirit of a monkey demon.

And he returns to the library, saving Kim from being bored to death by retunring the book. 

GUESS WHICH ONE HE RETURNED.

Oh, it was another half-episode. Weird. 

And the next one is about giant bugs. Interesting how Kim tells Ron not to be afraid of bugs, and next moment she’s all squirmish while Ron befriends a giant roach and calls him Roachie. 

KP: Ron, did you start working on the project? it was supposed to be autobiographical

ron: No, I’m waiting for it to write itself.

WE MIGHT GET RUFUS’ BACKSTORY!

Oh, and Drakken tried to take over the world with shampoo. Honestly, it’s funny as heck

he tries smarty mart to sell it

he even makes loreal-style ad, but it doesn’t sell

so he tries product placement in a hip hop song, and the artists is like “Aw, hell no”

And then 

and then

turns out that Shego and Drakken are having karaoke night every friday.

God dammit, i don’t know why but that is beyond funny

and turns out that Drakken can sing. 

and shego points out that he could sing about the shampoo

so he goes to an american idol

And I think I realise what really makes it funny: Kp is barely in this episode, helping ron with homework. No evil-doing is actually done, we only get to see, for the most part what goes behind the scenes of an evil plan that is so insanely and unnecessary convoluted it is beyond belief. 

OH, AND kp GETS TO RIVAL HIM ON STAGE, OF COURSE.

people hypnotised by the shampoo so far: one (1) random henchman

one (1) old TV producer in a sauna 

one (1) Simon Cowell

And...holy shit, his song is actually good. 

And instead of KP, who is busy fighting the mean lean green machine, Ron sings about Rufus. The song is titled “Naked Mole Rap”. And it is FREAKING PHENOMENAL.

Oh, add one (1) Shego to the list. 

Okay, so far that is the most crazy episode. Like, seriously, the quality was through the roof.

SCRATCH THAT NEXT EP is EVEN WEIRDER

So, the Team Impossible, which we have learned about in the movie, is angry at KP for saving the world for free, whereas they actually charge people for it. 

And they try to cut Kim from all of her world-traveling assets and knock her out of competition.

THAT IS FUCKING V ILE

And they hack Wade

AND TURNS OUT YOU DON’T FUCK WITH WADE

YOU DON’T CUT THEIR INTERNET CABLES OF A NERD

SINCE THIS IS ONE WAY TO MAKE AN OBESE SUPER GENIOUS  WALK OUT OF THEIR ROOM

AND HE LOOKS SO FREAKING BAD-ASS WHEN HE STORMS INTO THEIR HEADQUATERS

aaand TI is defeated the same way they would have been defeated had they answered the call. 

Pretty funny, and it does go into the details of how on Earth superheroes work in this world. 

And we have another episode about the secret ninja high school Ron was sent to 

And Yori travels to US for Ron 

And Kim is super jelaus

Wade: Kim, you are jelly

Kim: So not

Monique: You are jelly 

Kim: So not

Kim: *is jelly*

So she pretty much stalks Ron all the way to the school, and nearly fails the mission of trying to save the levitating magical jedi principal. Seriously, he’s OP as fuck.

And he’s escaping from a huge monkey. turns out it’s crazy dna lady who turned herself  into monkey for Lord Britishmonkey. 

Next episode is bascially one huge satire on the movie industry, down to the title (”and The mole rat will be CGI”). KIm and Ron accidentally crash a movie set, after Senior Senior Junior crashes it first since he accidentally applied for a role of a henchman in said movie. 

It was supposed to be set in Britian, but the movie set was in New Zealand, since “it was cheaper”

And I was like 

Is that a “Lord of The rings” joke? Someone tell me if I’m right.

Oh, and we have another long episode WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE IS ANOTHER MOVIE?

And it looks like it’s a three-part episode again, I wonder if the formula’s gonna work again. 

The beginning feels like a short promo scene for people who might not know what KP is about, and I’m not gonna lie, this sums it up perfectly. Action, drama, explosions, more drama, goofy ron, naked mole rat kicking ass and more drama. By the way, what;s the title? 

I guess the intro is an homage to the James Bond ones, with lots of colourful, surreal visuals floating in the background to the soothing, slow music. Love it, too bad it’s short, but again, it had to fit an episode’s running time.

 wait so the Nakasumi president CAN speak English? Even the movie calls him wacky for whispering all the time as if he couldn’t. 

Okay, now the movie just fucks with us. 

mr and mrs possible almost switch their cloaks with important documents, but she switches them back just at the last moment

mr posible ALMOST deletes his work file worth three billion dollars but undos it at the last moment.

it’s like the plot TRIES to start itself

And I bet the key is under the doormat

So the dating drama IS going to be the theme of the movie, huh. 

Wade: Drakken has been spotted in the Bermuda triangle

Bermuda triangle: *turns out to be a hotel*

And Ron just happened to have his suit under the scuba diving gear.

Shego proves to be once again, way more competent than Drakken.

and we have obligatory fight between two kickass ladies in dresses and high heels. This IS a James Bond movie. 

So, the prom drama continues, and it is sadly kinda goes into the cringe territory, with some new dude falling in love with Kim and Kim falling for him, Ron feeling sad, they both being conflicted, yep, seen it. 

But for once Drakken helps the cause and moves the plot forward, stealing some super project from dr Possible.

he deletes the file like he did in the opening, but GASP drakken has some mind reading machine

I do wonder if the coat switcheroo is going to be part of the plot. 

Holy shit

Drakken’s plan is so crazy that it actually makes sense. Take over the buneo nachos and put kiddy meals in it with robot toys that take over the world. And neither kim nor Shego could have forseen it. 

And more prom drama. Ugh. 

I always like when Possible family work together to stop the evil-doers.

So Drakken’s plan was brilliant, minus the part when the entire army of robots shuts down when the signal goes off-line. Kinda a major fuck-up. 

And they kindapped Kim’s boyfriend to lure her.  

OH, SO HE WAS A SYNTH ROBOT

I genuinely didn’t see that coming. 

Drakken learns Ron’s name, yeah! And it’s shot like Drakken’s yelling a curse to the skies, love it. 

Also, HOLY SHIT, Kim kicks Shego into the tower so hard it looks like she was about to kill her. Like, that was genuinely chilling moment, especially with an ominous, lightning-filled close-up onto her later.

Spoiler: she didn’t die. 

Okay, colour me confused: I didn’t think that Kim and Ron were going to kiss and start dating now, I thought this movie was going to be one huge prequel to a movie by the end of S4. Or more precisely, it feels weird NOW, knowing that there is a whole season ahead of me. Cos that felt like a pretty good end of a series, something akin to the Last Airbender one, so I’m slightly concerned how it’s going to be played into season 4, cos this can go haywire pretty easily. 

Uh, not going to lie, I’ve got mixed feelings about the movie. On one hand, it gave us a proper evil plan from Drakken, one that attacks Kim psychologically, showing that for once, he DID his homework and actually studied Kim’s behaviour. On the other, the prom/dating drama is kinda painful to watch, but fortunately gets resolved in the end. Maybe it’s just me, but I had the same expression as Rufus when he and Ron said that guys don’t talk about feelings. It felt kinda clumsy and not subtle at all, and what’s worse, the show itself did way better job of portraying romance in previous episodes, most notably the moodulator one. But as I said, those last few scenes with Ron and Kim fighting together does make up for it. 

also, Rufus once again is the unspoken hero. He did so freaking much, including, but not limited to: saving ron from the tentacle monster, freeing kim and ron, defeating the synth boyfriend, pushing Kim and Ron together... He really is a badass.    

So, not a bad one, though I preferred the first movie. Also, on the whole Season 3 was significantly shorter than second. Wonder what’s gonna happen in the next season.