#i get mainly women as suggested idk if this is a problem with men too i never click their videos but i assume probably so

[dykefever]

so many youtubers with commentary channels truly have nothing interesting to say all they do is repeat some facts and go and like yeah... its really strange ! over and over again. have some backbone say something ANYTHING !!

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

I(bi f) don’t feel attracted to girls/connected to wlw at all rn. Its mainly due to 1) biphobic lesbians. I wouldn’t say trauma to describe it but it’s seriously affected my connection to wlw and 2) not being able to relate. A lot of the wlw my age these follow popular wlw influencers that are basically f boys and I’m not attracted to that. This idea that “girls do it better” so f boy/toxic masc is ok just really turns me away tbh. But idk how to “fix” my girl attraction. I almost feel straight

Either I’m got understanding your message correctly or there’s two different things going on here.

So... if you’re not attracted to girls then there’s nothing that needs to be “fixed”. You cannot force yourself to feel attraction that isn’t there. You can still identify as bisexual if you’re attracted to more than one gender - those genders don’t have to include women; it can also be men and non-binary genders for example.

But if I’m getting this right then the issue isn’t that you’re not attracted to girls but rather that you feel disconnected from the wlw community. You seem to think that there’s a “right” way to be sapphic and that you have to behave in the same way as those “influencers” (I hate that word jvnsjnblkgb) to be attracted to girls? Or that you have to find those influencers and their personalities attractive?

I’m honestly not quite sure where the crux of the problem is here but if I try to generalise it then I’d say you are trying too hard to fit some arbitrary expectations and that’s making you think you cannot be “one of them (= wlw)”. Maybe you think you can only be a wlw if you follow that lesbian stereotype of ~hating men~ but that’s... well... a stereotype and it’s often very alienating for bi/pan people so... I’m not surprised this is turning you off. But there are many, MANY queer girls who are not fulfilling that stereotype.

My suggestions would be that you

work through your internalised biphobia (x)

just don’t follow these “influencers” if you don’t like their content

find people with equal interests because there is not just one type of sapphic person. (if you do want to engage in social media like that then I’d recommend specifically following more bi/pan people because... well... they are less likely to be alienating towards other bi/pan people)

If I misunderstood your problem, feel free to send in another message to clarify.

Maddie

[royalrastafariannaynays]

i’m a dirty rotten ace inclusionist, and here’s why

so against my better judgement and some advice from friends, ive decided to make a post about ace discourse

because it just kinda... hurts to see shit about it every day. and i feel like a broken record saying that, but it hurts. 

if youre reading this, and youre an exclusionist, please read the entire thing and don’t come storming into my inbox to tell me hurtful shit because odds are, ive seen it already and im sure im not gonna cover everything, just some of the stuff ive seen today

So, me. ill tell my story even tho no one asked for it, because unfortunately on this website people demand proof of person in order to give someone validity or some shit. im asexual. and i stick to that, because i don’t really experience attraction or arousal at all. that changes sometimes, but rarely. im genitals-repulsed as well. but i am still intimate with my partner sometimes, and sometimes i force the candle to light, because idk i get bored. 

but when i figured out i was ace, i was texting my best friend. and he suggested it, and immediately i felt broken and wrong thinking about the fact that i could be ace. I had to be convinced that it was okay. that’s something that non-ace people dont seem to get. not feeling sexual, or sexual about other, real people, can make you feel broken. it makes me feel like shit, and i have some dysfunction with partners as well. i have trauma in my past, but im convinced that doesn’t have too much to do with it. And maybe it’s a temporary thing, and ill change in the future. But that doesn’t change the fact that it makes me feel like less of a human being when i think about it. and i have no doubt that the idea has crossed other ace peoples’ minds before. “am i broken?” i ask my girlfriend that question so much. because my body doesnt do this thing that both science and the modern media and society tell me that it should do, and should do very easily. my FAMILY tells me its weird and ill be fine. my FRIENDS don’t get it. my mother thinks it’s horseshit. and there’s another thing.

i kinda feel like, if someone is gonna go excluding ace people and shoving them out, will i be shoved out for being closeted, or straight-passing when im not with my girlfriend, as well? it’s a legitimate fear and it feels really bad. and then, can you imagine how it feels having a portion of my identity actively shat on by this website? every fucking day of this month? the pride month?

another thing that non-ace people dont seem to understand or consider, either, is the dysphoria that ace people experience. ace people frequently hate their bodies, feel like they don’t belong in them, or feel separated from normalcy by what they are. 

it’s not a “whose suffering is worse” game, though we can still understand that people face greater harm and trials in their life by being different parts of lgbt, and allow people who suffer less, like say people who are closeted, bi or pan people who are “straight passing” dating the opposite gender, etc, to be a part of it. in my experience, lgbt+ is about acceptance and love, and ill stick to that. yes it’s possible to recognize that say, a trans woman would suffer more than a cishet ace. but that doesnt mean that one should be less allowed to be a part than another.

“ace people aren’t oppressed” well no maybe not to the degree that the typical lgbt person is, but around the world people are forced into obligatory sexual situations they may or may not want, and if they refuse or cannot perform, they can be labeled as broken, thrown out of their home, or r*ped. there is social pressure from the intensely sexual modern media; there is social pressure from society and family; there is social pressure from significant others and partners to perform, and then, especially for women, there is pressure to accept things, and there is pressure to perform sexually in order to have a happy life; IE: having children, families, satisfied partners, and so on. no, these aren’t as significant outwardly as “getting stabbed to death for existing” ((which yeah, does happen, but is an extreme example that someone i know loves to use to win arguments by playing the manipulative “of course this means you care less about the human lives of gay men than the thing you’re arguing for” card. im not saying that situations are equal here, jesus, im saying that oppression exists in many forms)). and, for a society where sex is a function that bodies easily perform, it seems easy enough to go along with things. But for some people, bodies either do not or will not perform. or there is repulsion, or other things and i lost my train of thought. got distracted, my apologies

ace people might be cishet, yeah, but that doesnt mean they belong any less in my opinion. no, i dont think they should be able to call themself qu**r, thats stupid. they aren’t allowed to reclaim any slurs that dont belong to them. that’s also really fucking stupid. and im sorry, but no decent person will try to do that. and why not let them come to the club, okay? they still face problems. like i say maybe fifty billion times in this post, yes, they don’t face the same problems, but they still have them. 

“start your own community” where? how? if you can give me a legitimate answer on this without frothing at the mouth, please do. But i have no idea how ace people are going to go into starting a community without being ridiculed, shoved aside and stuff. i have no idea how they are all going to bond and meet over a lot of different pipelines of communication, like the ones in communities they are already a part of. shoving people out, putting a stake in the middle of the cracks in the floor, it does nothing to strengthen our community. 

“well this person treated me badly” yes and that exists everywhere on this hellsite. I’ve seen a lot of shit, im sure you have too/

the split attraction model, in my opinion, is useful. but mainly for ace people, or aro people, to make describing themself easier in a shorthand. that’s what the model is best for. and if you come into my inbox and say stuff about how “someone forced the split attraction model on me” that was an individual person and does not lend to the usefulness of the model. and then if you come into my inbox with something about “the split attraction model harms people who arent ace and lets people deny their sexuality”. it is a tool. no one forced you to use it. im certainly not saying everyone should use it. in fact, maybe a lot of the people who do use it, should not. but i like the split attraction model, especially for myself. because i can easily identify and people know what im talking about. that simple. 

okay, that’s all i wanted to say. i wish i had a concrete conclusion but i am just. really tired. i need to unfollow some people. i just wanted to get it off my chest, and say my peace in a place i can find it. again, sorry for my mobile people

[thirstyfortom]

Hey! Your blog is so great! I love to read it very much. Can I request: MC's new boss is sexualy harassing her. She can't leave her job, because it's very important to her, but don't know what to do and is afraid to ask help of RFA + V + Saeran?

Hope you like it! ^^

TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONINGS OF ABUSE AND SEXUAL HARASSMENT

RFA + V and Saeran react to MC being sexualy harassed by her boss

Zen

You came back from work feeling like shit, even if he was tired himself, he always knew when something was off with you.

“How was work, babe?” “Meh, just normal… I’m going to sleep now, ok?” hmmm, not even a smile? Yes, something was definitely wrong

He would let you take your time,  so he went to shower, ate something and only then he went to the bedroom

Only to find you sobbing from crying, he ran to you. “Babe, what’s wrong?” “Zen, you’re so right… all men are wolves, all men… are…” “Hey, hey… why are you saying that now, MC?”

You told him about the new boss, the way he trapped you at your desk when nobody was looking… the way he looked at you, you never felt so ashamed of your own body like you were then… “You’re right, Zen, you’re right! I’m too nice to men, right? I’m the problem, they think I’m sending theses… signs and…”

“MC, what are you saying? This isn’t your fault at all! Don’t this to yourself… I… I don’t really think you’re too nice to everybody, you’re just… you, and if people take it on the wrong way, they’re the problem. Your boss is a fucking problem! So where do I find him to fix this problem?”

“Oh… oh no, Zen, please. Let’s calm down, I… he’s my superior and I don’t want to lose my job, I like my job, Zen!” “MC, I’m sorry, but I won’t let this happen. What if he does again? With you or with some of your colleagues?” he was right, today was you, who could it be tomorrow? “Okay… what do you suggest?” “I have something in mind, but you’ll have to be brave for this!”

Your boyfriend, having women like the biggest part of his fanbase, announced a campain on his Tripter account, asking his fans to write on a paper all the abusive and objectifying things they heard from bosses or male co-workers and post a photo, the hashtag made a huge success and he posted on his own account a photo  of you holding your own paper with what you heard.

His fans, being the stalkers they are, soon find out where you worked, they gave bad reviews to the company all over social media and threat boycotting the company, they would take the bad reviews once the guy was fired. And that was exactly what happened.

You had no idea his fans could be so supportive to you, and you made sure to thank all of them through a video he also posted. “Zen is an awesome person who wants to make all the women in his life acknowledge their own strength.  Thank you all so much!”

Yoosung

He was aware of this new boss being a douch, you would always trash talk the guy when you’d come home.

But it was mainly things related to work. But then he heard this: “And you should hear what he talked about my skirt, Yoosung! Really…” “What did he say about your skirt, MC?”

“Hum? Oh, something like ‘you keep coming dressed like that and I won’t take responsibility on what I’m going to do with you, foxy’ ugh… such a douch, right?”

Douch wasn’t really the word he was thinking, and your bluntness about that was… pretty concerning. “MC, we had a seminar at college about sexual harassment last month, you do realize that what he did to you is a crime, right?”

You sighed deeply. “Yes, I’m aware of it. But what can I do? He’s my boss! You know what happens with girls that make a report? They lose their job, some bosses are bad enough to make sure they never find a job on similar companies… it’s fucked up as it is, there’s nothing I can do except trying to be away, and I swear I’m trying, okay? Don’t worry!”

But he did worry. How could he not? You wouldn’t be able to keep the guy away forever and… oh, he didn’t even dare to imagine that, just thinking about it made his blood boil.

Hell hath no fury like a Yoosung protecting MC! He had to make sure you wouldn’t suffer any retaliation, so he send anonymous reports to the HR’s company telling he knew there was a potential rapist working there, and if they didn’t something about it, he would go to the press.

When they apparently didn’t take it seriously, he sent what he knew to some shitty tabloid, who actually accused the guy directly of being a rapist. It didn’t have any credibility, but having the company’s name associated to such a low publication like that… there is such a thing like bad publicity, indeed!

The guy was fired after all, Yoosung never told you that he was the responsible for it, and you never told him you knew he did that. It wasn’t really necessary keep talking about this when you’re too busy being happy.

Jaehee

She’s a woman too, she knows how to recognize the signs of a girl uncomfortable over something like this

The shame after being cat called on the street, the concerning about wearing some clothes thinking how they can be used as an excuse if something happens to you, the embarrassment, the guilty… even if it’s not your fault?

Jumin Han had a lot of problems about boundaries when she used to work for him, but he was always respectful and intimidating enough not to let anybody even try something with her, who knew one day she would feel bad that you hadn’t the same luck as her?

But you have someone even better! An amazing girlfriend who happens to be a black belt in judo and can teach you some personal defense techniques!

And if it wasn’t enough, maybe you should consider changing jobs? “But, Jaehee… what if I’m not good at anything else? At least I’m kinda successful there, I don’t know if I’m good enough to… start all over again…”

“And do you think I was 100% sure about leaving C & R and starting my own business? Of course I wasn’t, MC! But I had to take the risk…”

“I don’t know if I’m brave as you are, Jaehee…” “Well, a very wise woman told me once that it’s not about money, you have to pursue happiness.” “She sounds kinda naïve…” she giggled “You said that, MC!” “Oh, right… yeah, I’m pretty naïve, maybe that’s why this guy keeps coming to me…”

“Stop right there! It’s nothing about you, MC! This man is a jerk! And the way I see it, you are unhappy there, so get out! You’re smart, you’re talented, you will find something that suits you pretty soon.”

And a few weeks later, you were starting as a barista at her cafe. And you didn’t have a boss, you had a partner, how cool is that?

But you couldn’t stop worrying about other girls that worked there, so you made a formal complaint, endorsed by other women who worked there, most of them secretaries Jaehee kept contact with, she knew this could be useful eventually.

Jumin

You didn’t tell him, you were scared because you knew what kind of things he could do.

He would, idk, buy the company and make you president of it and the guy your secretary. Yes, this was exactly what he would do! And it would be so weird and senseless…

But you couldn’t control the gossip on his own company, he overheard some employees talking about that guy who used to work at C & R and got promoted at the company you were working.

He remembered the guy, he had to come to press telling C &R wouldn’t condone with women being disrespected and the guy was withdrawn for undetermined time, Jumin didn’t even know he quit during this time and was  already working somewhere.

He didn’t think nothing like this would ever happen to you, but he was curious and casually asked about it. “W-why do you ask?” your voice broke as soon as you opened your mouth.

“Nothing in particular… I was just curious, do you know him?” “Yeah, we’re at the same department.” “He is your co-worker, then?” “More like my boss…” Hmmm…

“MC, is there something I should know?” “N-no?” “MC…” how did he do that? He was collected and calm, his voice was monotone, he wasn’t doing anything rather than saying your name, yet you felt like he could see right through you…

“Jumin, I… I don’t want to talk about it…” you didn’t need to “As you wish, MC.”

The next day, you went to work and just saw the guy’s room empty. “Have you heard? He got fired and left the country. They say they found some things about him on his previous job at C & R…” one of your colleagues said, you definitely didn’t want to know what those things were.

Jumin made the HR department strict their criteria on hiring, he could never let a guy like this enter at his company again and treat the female employees like that. Oh, he did the same with the new company he bought, the one you worked (but no, he didn’t made you the president, much to your relief)

Saeyoung

You’ve been acting weird ever since you came back from work, you were quiet and he could swear he heard you crying in the shower, this was bad…

What could it be that bad that you wouldn’t even talk to him? He needed to know, he needed to help you!

He knew violating your privacy once more was wrong, but seeing you like this was breaking his heart, so he hacked your phone.

And what he found made him almost punch one of his precious computers, those gross texts from that guy along with a dick pic… that was awful!

And when he remembered this guy was the one you’ve been talking about, that weird dude who just got promoted. Saeyoung lost it!

“Don’t be mad at me, please, but I hacked into your phone and I saw the texts. Why didn’t you tell me?” “I… was afraid and ashamed, how would you react if I told you my boss sent me a photo of his dick?” “I would be pissed at him, not at you!” he hugged you and comforted you “I’ll make him pay!”

“No, Saeyoung, NO! I don’t want to lose my job!” “Hey, he won’t know it was you, don’t worry… we have to do something, MC, today it’s just a dick pic, tomorrow he can be much more direct, you know what I mean?” both of you were sick just to think about this…

So Saeyoung just sent the conversation to a person in a higher position than the guy, along with a threat: “If you don’t do something about this, I swear I’ll let everybody know about those contracts” and he sent a copy of what else he found.

Next day, the guy was fired, and you got his job. Saeyoung swore he had nothing to do with that and he had proof! He showed you the emails your superiors exchanged talking about how you should have been the one promoted at the first place.

Saeran

He knew something was off. You were acting as gloomy and distant a… well, himself.

He couldn’t ask you, he was afraid he might be invading your personal space or something like this.

But this was torturing him, you were coming from work sadder and sadder everyday.

So ironically, he invaded your personal space and followed you to work.

Only to find your boss touching your hair, his eyes rovering through your body, and what’s more agonizing: your uncomfortable expression.

He didn’t even think, he just caught himself over the guy punching him. “Saeran, stop it! Please!” you cried.

“Don’t you see she does not like it? Or you actually enjoy she’s not liking it, you fucking creep!?”

“Saeran…” your voice took him aback, he promised he would never let you see this side of him again, but just remembering your uncomfortable face made him see red… he tried to calm down.

“I’ll tell you what, asshole. If you don’t quit right now, I’ll make sure to erase this company from internet. I want to see what kind of business survives these days if they can’t be found on Google. Don’t think I won’t wreck this just like I did o your gross face!”

“Saeran, don’t do that…” “You are smart and competent enough to find another job wherever you please, MC. But I won’t let this guy stay in the same place with you, so It’s his choice…”

“Fuck this! You’re not even that hot, and your boyfriend is a freak! I’m out of this!” “Wise choice, and you’re half right on there, buddy. She is that hot, she is the hottest, actually, and yes, I’m a freak! A freak who will fucking whoop your ass if you don’t get the fuck out of here right now!” the dude went away, letting a trail of blood from his face.

“I’m sorry if I scared you now, it’s just… I can’t stay still letting someone treat you like this. I hope you don’t lose your job because of me…” “I’ll be fine as long as I have you” and you hugged him, he was so relieved you could not see him blushing right now.

V

He overheard a conversation between you and probably one of your co-workers.

“Yes, he tried to make a move on me again! Yeah, I keep telling him I have a boyfriend, but he doesn’t care, he said he’s the boss and I got to do what he says! I… I don’t know, but I’m pretty scared right now…”

He’s so mad, but in front of you he just smiles bluntly. So you two keep at that, both of you know something is really wrong, and just keep smiling trying not to worry each other.

But he won’t stay still knowing something bad can happen to you anytime. However, he’s really smooth.

So when he stopped by your work to bring you lunch, everybody liked him, even your boss, who invited him to a drink at his office.

“You’re the only man in your department, I suppose…” “Yeah, but it’s not as great as it looks, most of these girls are ugly, and the only decent one is pretty dumb, but hey, these are the best type, right?”

“I wouldn’t know, I can’t really see.” “Oh, sorry, dude. But yeah, there’s a girl here who’s very hot, but she plays hard to get, you know? It’s only a matter of time, wait and see.”

“I already told you I can’t really see.” His voice was low. “But there’s something here you don’t really need eyes to see. That very hot girl is not into you and she has a boyfriend, and you are a sexist jerk who’ll step away from her and from any other girl who works here if you know what’s best for you.”

“Or what?” V moved fast, placing his cane against the guy’s balls “Or else I’ll destroy these, since they are the only thing that you can count on to feel superior. Don’t test me.” And he got out of the office, letting the guy squirm in pain.

You never knew what made the guy finally back away, but deep inside you knew it had something to do with that day. He never denied or confirmed either.

[flawedinthefantasy]

long updates

helloooooo.

it’s october 1 and there are three months left in 2017. i’ll do my usual end of year recap of course but it’s been an interesting year. these last few weeks have been a little topsy turvy. i crammed for my last 2 exams and didn’t do well on them, especially the last one. which was upsetting because that particular class was my strongest when i was a MS student. after that, i decided that it was time to get myself together. we had a 5 day weekend last week due to the jewish holidays so as soon as our last class ended, i sprang into action. picked up a few things from walmart, cleaned my messy room, finally did my dry ass hair, did my laundry, and caught up on a lot of lectures. i’m still not perfect and i struggled these last few days but there’s been a vast improvement. 

i really want to kill school, not just because i feel like i have to but because i know i can. my classmates aren’t smarter than me but i’m lazier than them and that’s a real problem. i’m just now realizing how much of a role that my mental health plays in everything i do. when i feel sad and ugly and lonely, i stay in my room and binge on food and avoid my lectures. at the end of the day, it only hurts me. when i’m feeling good, i take my medicine, i do my work, i eat better, i feel better. i deserve to feel good. 

in the months before getting into medical school, i remember being so angry at God. it felt like He hadn’t given me anything I wanted..so much so, that even after i got accepted, i still found it very difficult to pray. it took MONTHS for me to get it together, i’m ashamed to say. even here at school, being in the middle of nowhere, not having anything to do, feeling so different from my classmates..i asked God why He put me here of all places. it was very tough. but i’m getting closer to God again, i think it just had to take time. i was listening to my beloved Elevation worship music a few days ago...thinking about how many times i listened to the same music driving to my shitty job..wondering when i would get accepted to medical school. i remember crying so hard in the parking lot of my job listening to a particular song because i was so heartbroken and so sad. how quickly i forgot about those times, how ungrateful i’ve been. i’m here in med school now and i’m still complaining. God has seen me through so much and while i may not like it, His timing and will truly beat my own. 

next! it seems like almost everyone around me is in a relationship. my old roommate got engaged yesterday and i’m genuinely so happy for her. living with her was a turning point for me: in those first 5 months of 2015, i went back to church on my own volition and began my own relationship with God, started working out seriously, taking care of my skin, started realizing who I was a woman..alot of them stemmed from the hours long convos she and i would have. she too is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and it makes me so happy to see that she’s found someone who she loves. my best friend is dating a really nice guy and i’m thrilled for her too. i’m actually surprised that i’m not even the least bit jealous lol. i think it’s because i know these two women very well and i know what they’ve been through and i know that they deserve good things. i also think it’s because i know right now would not be a good time to have a man in my life. i still have some work to do, i’m in the baby stages of organizing myself and my emotions and my mental state. men will just confuse that. but i’m definitely open to it in the near future.

and speaking of men...L and I were supposed to get drinks and finally talk last weekend when i had all of those days off. i still haven’t told him that i’m not in the city and i won’t tell him until i feel like it. last month he’d asked if i was free and i pushed it back to september for many reasons but mainly because i was never expecting to see him again and i’ve gained weight and i just didn’t wanna deal with it. a few weeks ago, i realized i still didn’t wanna see him face to face so i suggested maybe we talk on the phone. he never responded and i became quite fed up. i texted him a few weeks later and told him that i was gonna give him what he wanted and let the whole thing go. that clearly he was still as immature and shady as he was 2 years ago and i deserved better than that, even as a “platonic friend”. that i deserved better than to be consistently ignored and thrown to the wayside last year. and that i can’t force him to be a good man so just forget it. the thing is..i actually meant it this time. after the CG thing, i realized that i don’t need superficial tethers to any of these men for any reason. i took the heart emoji out of his contact page in my phone and i deleted the little note i had dedicated to things that reminded me of him. and i just moved on.

of course, days later he texted me back out of nowhere saying that he did want to get together and he’d been very busy and he had family issues going on but he was back in the city and wanted to get drinks. the thing about a man who’s lied to you before is that you never know when he’s telling the truth. i said i hoped everything was okay with his family and that it was too soon to meet and i didn’t know if having him as a “friend” was a good thing so we’ll play it by ear and i’ll reach out when i’m comfortable. he said he was fine with that and i should have a nice week. i’m very proud of myself for being firm and putting my foot down on his bullshit. i have no problem just walking away now, which is good because i really used to struggle with that. i don’t want to see him just yet because i know that i’ll be overwhelmed by everything..his physical attractiveness, everything he represents, etc. i just want to get myself together before involving anyone else in my life. 

next..my hair. i’ve been wearing my hair natural for the last 6 weeks or so. it was really dry and unmanageable and just not what it used to be. plus i felt like after big chopping 7 years ago, i should have a lot more length than i have. so i did a bunch of research and ordered a bunch of products. my regimen is still a little shaky because i’m trying to be low manipulation and figure things out. i’m using some ayurvedic products: a henna mask that i’ll do every other week, some hair growth oil with a bunch of herbs, and a tea rinse. the tea rinse is very drying so i need to figure out when in my regimen i should use it. i love the oil, it congeals when it’s cool so i use it as a hot oil treatment a few times a week. i pre-poo with a product from The Mane Choice..their products are expensive but worth it, my hair always feels soft. i shampoo only once using Lotta Body shampoo that smells terrific and always leaves my hair soft. i use the LB conditioner while i’m in the shower then i deep condition with my heat cap afterwards. i’ve come to realize that i have low porosity hair which means i need to deep condition with heat to open up my hair shaft. that also explains why products would just sit on my hair after a few days. once i rinse out the deep conditioner, i apply some sort of leave in and use another mane choice product on my ends. i’ve only been doing this for a week and a half but my hair feels noticeably softer. i’m going to continue with this until i go home for christmas break and get my hair braided. my goal is by the end of next year, i’ll have strong and thick hair that hits my bra strap. 

finally, food/weight. i was supposed to go to NJ tomorrow for my next VSG weigh in but i have an exam and i really don’t feel like making that drive so i rescheduled for friday. i wanted to lose 10 pounds and i definitely haven’t so idk if i’ll even keep that appointment. part of me truly just wants to lose the weight on my own. i don’t really feel like driving over an hour from school and i’ll have a few more trips to make. plus i haven’t told my dad about any of this and i know it’ll be a bit of a struggle. and i don’t want to do it without them knowing. i feel like i can do this on my own but i’ve failed so many times. my relationship with food is just so bizarre, so...unnatural. it’s something i’m going to actively pray about because i really do want to get rid of this weight for good. it won’t help me at all when i start rotations in 2 years and the time is going to fly by. yesterday i ate a whole pot of hamburger helper by myself in one sitting and i felt so terrible for most of the day. i ended up going to the gym at 9pm and that was a painful experience, indeed. i really miss being fit and i’m going to do everything in my power to get back to that. 

i owe it to myself to get all aspects of my health in order. i’ve worked too hard for everything to just fall to shit.