#i get a little tired and start going i hope the nuclear apocalypse hits so i don't have to explain the suicide because of how life is | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

elizabethrobertajones · 7 years ago

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13x18 watching notes

Hi sorry I’m late I was knitting a very long scarf in a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere for a week :D

I just got home, I have tea, and I guess I am doing this

FYI I am closer in relation to a slime jelly than a human being right now

my expectations from 3 days ago were optimistically that this plays into Buckleming's strong spots and with proper care and management perhaps a decent-ish episode could be wrangled out of them if we make the allowance we're non-negotiably watching one of their episodes to start with...

That was the shortest recap Buckleming have probably ever had and it speaks to one of the strengths of this season in a way: the main problems were set in 12x23 and all they need to do is find a way to un-do them and have been making on and off progress all season. With Wayward Sisters and Scoobynatural we had to put a few brakes on it but for the sake of really entertaining side projects, and on the other side of Scoobynatural we can supposedly coast to the end. And so, we get the last spell ingredients in the very next episode and off we go, and what's left is the set up going into this, of a relatively pared down, personal story and like season 8 almost entirely motivated by what Sam and Dean WANT to do and what they are willing to do to achieve that, rather than by having some urgent problem they tangle with on and off.

I hope that the last run of episodes to the end can play out in whatever way it likes, because right now there is very little nonsense from this season that actually matters towards the main plot that isn't directly in play...

though the recap didn't mention Michael or Lucifer and we'd be so lucky if Buckleming didn't write them :P

they didn't use the apocalypse AU set but went for an outdoors version of the world... Nuclear winter maybe?? It seems like the angels and demons have a specific battlefield and in 13x14 we saw the woods where Bobby had a camp... I think this world might be in a terrible state but the natural world at least might be untouched, where it didn't have too much human influence... Who knows.

Have to explain the Vancouver snow somehow anyways :P

Ketch is still beat up looking from his fight with Asmodeus although I don't even want to match his injury level now vs what was supposedly a few hours ago at most where Asmodeus was kicking the snot out of him in a rib-breaking sort of way. The light here also has made Dean look exceptionally attractive even by his standards.

In any case Ketch is wavering along a fine line of am i here to steal jack for power or save Mary because I still have a confusing boner for her in my heart or am I just here to save myself and be a dick... the usual kind of thing. I am assuming they're gonna play at least a degree of redemption with him but it makes it interesting in reverse to Jack that it teases he may go dark but he's ultimately a sweetie... Ketch is a dick through and through but they can tease the different paths he might take. From Buckleming's POV, redeeming him before he inevitably will be killed off again might be a sense of completing his story. I remain grumbly and annoyed he's back at all, and there are some boringly predictable paths he may take so I kind of hope he doesn't, or that the final writing of him falls to some other writer.

Still. This may or may not be a first chance to kill him off and "justify" bringing him back...

"She will kill you... again."

Uhoh, angels. I feel like we might be about to meet a surprise face here... i suppose among either the angels or the humans, because any one of these angels could be a named character from seasons 4-12 brought back on a whim - including up to AU!Cas doing his job. And then the humans have their heads in bags

well it's not the first 2 humans

oh look the smaller human with the long red hair was the small human with the long red hair.

Welp.

Look, this literally does not erase a single thing that they did in 10x21 and they can NOT buy that back, but at the same time I am glad on a wider level to see her again. I wish it was not Buckleming because I just can't trust them to be doing this for any reason other than people were angry and they are throwing peanuts at us and I have 0 expectation they'll have a progressive agenda or write Charlie particularly interestingly or well.

But if it puts her back into the story and she doesn't die...

I should ask Mittens that actually :P

Okay, Mittens confirms I do not have to watch her die again.

Anyway. I doubt lessons are really learned on their end in their specific minds, which is all I actually want. I mean, Charlie could stay dead if we got a "we're sorry and we finally understand the problem and we were dicks but we'll try better" from Buckleming, and I feel like this is just literally beyond their capability with what we know about them vs fan interaction, and I doubt Dabb could twist their arms on that and have anything meaningful sink in. And so I will accept surface level that it's nice to see her again in some form but I don't have to like or forgive BL for doing this, and I can fully mistrust their motives, but like... whatever

Mary and Charlie have met, which means me writing shippy fic about them once upon a time kinda pays off.

I mean, that also implies she's a friend of Bobby's which is kinda sad because they only crossed paths in 7x20 and he broke her arm.

Also wait, as well, Buckleming brought back AU!Kevin, another character they killed and was really crappy because boo killing off the show's meagre representation and especially more meagre representation among main-ish secondary characters (i.e. anyone who has at least 2-3 episodes, on this show :P)

In that case it was a LOT more like they were doing it because it was a part of the plot, as with Benny, but Charlie was wildly egregious, and Eileen just plain infuriating and recent enough it felt clear that they had NOT learned their lesson and really had no intention of doing so. Bringing back both Charlie and Kevin means, honestly, that I can practically see the peanuts they're hurling at us with the intention of shutting us up.

Anyway yay Cas n Sam hang out times

"And Misha Collins" flashes up on the screen, superimposed over Cas.

my lizard brain: "Oh good, Cas is in this episode"

i tired

At this point, Cas and Sam bickering over Dean as siblings and brothers in law is just... so completely commonplace it slips my mind to comment on it, whereas once upon a time I would have been wildly excited just to see it, the fact of their dynamic is deliciously cemented, and I'm just happy they're hanging out now :P

I still think Sam might have had better luck reminding Gabriel of the FUN things he did to them rather than the heroic tragic supposed death which was really just, well... whatever it was, if this is the real Gabriel

Why do I feel like Sam giving him his grace is a bad idea?

Also... why has he got it on a bandana in a serving dish? Is this just because it's kinda vaguely funny, or because it was making a low whistling noise the entire time and he covered it up because it was starting to set his teeth on edge? I mean, like... what is going on here... I'm just using the cues they give us :P

Let the choo choo in

Cas learned a lot about how to handle infants when he was reading up on what to do about raising Jack. It's almost sad he doesn't have a baby to mess around with. I just spent a week with a baby and spent most of it trying to make him say "Marmoset" as his first word.

It's also wildly distracting in a hilarious way from wondering WHY Gabriel is so scared of supposedly his own grace. Maybe being what he once was, or becoming something he doesn't want to be.

Cas did the exact same thing when Crowley was trying to make him eat Adina's grace, although in that case Crowley was like omg shut up I already killed her, and you need to go save Dean for the both of us so just do it and die later, asshole, and Cas opened up with the right motivation. Choo choo.

Anyway you would freaking think SAMUEL AND CASTIEL WINCHESTER of all people would NOT try and force a foreign powerful substance into someone else's mouth when they didn't seem to want it

Jo!! Hey babe, how's running Heaven going?

Well, she has to manage this dumbass so not well, apparently. There's presumably only so much she can get out of it when he just wants to play solitaire or "strip poker" with her... (playing with himself vs playing with someone else... is it a metaphor for him just sitting in his room jerking it while she does all the work? :P) but anyways... i love the image of his stupid pointy throne like hurr blurr look at me I run heaven and she's got a practical comfy chair next to it to sit and like... actually run heaven :P

Her "out" sounds like she was definitely off doing whatever she could, and both of them are reading/pretending the other was doing nothing, while Lucifer was BLATANTLY doing nothing and has no interest in doing it, while she needs the symbol of being attached to him to get what SHE needs, aka actual power and ruling Heaven, and clearly has run into a problem she can't deal with, without having Lucifer standing next to her.

You know, like how they say to bring a man when you go car shopping because you'll get a better deal and not get ripped off

mittensmorgul side note: EVEN HEAVEN'S COLDEST ROOM HAS A SOFA BUT NOT THE DEAN CAVE #MadAboutIt

elizabethrobertajones You know that was the very next thing I was going to type

Lucifer uses Dumas to neg Jo about how she should be happy to be his "first lady" of Heaven, focusing on the me me me me side of the problem, grumbling about their relationship and how she's nagging him as a way of her showing disrespect etc

In this case I think Buckleming MAY be hitting the right note, maybe even on the side of too heavily, of Lucifer as the useless entitled male and Jo as the smart competent woman with her shit together... I mean, to the point where I'm ASSUMING we're on Jo's side but it might be one of those things where they literally do think it's funny to make her nag lucifer and they're on his side but I'm so wildly feminist compared to them that I literally can not read this scene from any side but rooting for her first, Dumas second, literally any other angel who might walk through the door third, and finally and firmly last, Lucifer

I mean, Lucifer is literally draining Jo for power and is presumably at this point completely dependant on her since they may be doing a drug metaphor again, especially an implication that angel grace is addictive, re: Asmodeus (and what a nice throwback to Cas and how strong he was to resist it with all his heart when it was destroying him but also to say how TOXIC being an angel really is, perhaps also re: where we're going with Gabriel)... And yet he still claims Dumas rules in his favour when she answers neutrally, showing him choosing to make a wilfully wrong interpretation to back up what he wants to see. Aka this is not a metaphor for anyone in power right now and throwing around the word "first lady" in this scene means nothing? :P

Dumas tries to remind Lucifer that he said he could make angels and he's like no go away and get Jack.. reeeally starting to doubt that he can do it

lol "your father created. you inherited"

Sister Jo is amazing and also I think I witnessed Buckleming shitting on Trump for a whole scene and I'm actually kind of amazed and horrified we agree on an extremely broad and obvious political issue

Asmodeus has those balls you spin around to strengthen your hand... on the other hand hehe he's playing with balls

we're going from the all-white heaven throne room with the asshole devil sitting on it, to the dark hell throne room with the all-white angel grace addicted demon sitting on it. This is actually a reasonably good scene transition and in general so far this episode has been weirdly well paced to the 9 minute mark at least, with a well-placed title card reveal, a how are sam n cas scene after and then the 2 sides of thrones one after the other, showing how the seats of power are doing right now...

not sure how long this LASTS but good editing may one day save us from the Buckleming nonsense if someone would just be sterner with it. There's so much in their episodes I could chop out...

Also, Asmodeus is getting more interesting, twitchy and fidgeting now he's in withdrawal, and well aware that the grace was the only thing making him remotely a power player.

lol @ dean letting branches hit Ketch as they go

in fact I'm headcanoning that he turned around and noticed him missing because he didn't hear the satisfying "thwap" of another thorn hitting him in the face and had to look to see what happened

oh, nothing dramatic, just Ketch being a drama queen. Anyway, it was more of an incentive to start that argument than them just getting into it at random while walking so... kudos for introducing a scene with more than "we are talking about this now because we are"

Dean leads with that they're looking for Charlie because she's seen Mary, then she's seen Jack, and "we need her" - a clear practical motivation. Ketch counters that there is a different, personal reason to want her saved. A use your words correctly moment.

Aaand now Dean's been shot by a slaver... the AU is fun

Oh, this is a different bedroom set with no stairs, probably so they could ruin it by painting all over it. I wonder if Gabriel manifested this, because idk if they'd have left him the resources :P

"It's his story, starting with his death" - a nice person translated some of it and found it WAS Bible verses relating to Gabriel, but the question is that this is going to tell us something different. The set people write a different story than the script, especially as there's no bible verse for 5x18 :P

Oh good, so even if Gabriel isn't speaking, we're getting his words, in a way, including with snark about how Lucifer has half his brains, which in 5x18 seemed debatable that he might be whiny but did actually have a big old apocalypse going, but by now with Lucifer reduced to rubble in terms of being actually frightening, effective, or driven, all the archangels are diminished one way or another, including Gabriel himself. But his words betray the personality underneath lives on and is around and maybe retrievable, as there is snark within this writing, even if outwardly, Gabriel is a mess.

I mean.

I type this as someone who is so tired I can't speak without getting every sentence backwards and I have half-lidded eyes, am utterly depleted to the point I can barely walk, but inwardly, typey typey chatty chatty and I can still get much more advanced words out if I don't have to move anything other than my fingers and no running the words through the mouth. I am essentially borderline catatonic yet inwardly full of words and snark :P

(I just travelled like 150 miles today after a week of touristing and these things don't stack well with chronic fatigue)

Also to get this read, we need lots of close ups of Cas's hands touchy touchy... I like this. Cas likes to touchy touchy and we get to see close ups of his hands. Everyone wins

and by everyone i mean don't imagine cas reading dean's face like this

"Gabriel was gone, and suddenly, I was free - no obligation to God, or Heaven, or mankind."

("And so I did what anyone would do. I moved to Monte Carlo and shacked up with pornstars.")

The first line - epic. The second... lol. Gabriel's tastes have been compared to Dean's since we met the Trickster - they even bonded a lil over his sense of humour and the babes he conjured for Dean in the final confrontation. I was musing on some reverse verse art and realised angel!Dean written with no hang ups would be remarkably like fanon!Gabe, which just put me even more off Sabriel. In any case there was always a direct line between him and Dean. Of course, Dean literally has also crossed off his bucket list sleeping with a favourite porn star, so though chronologically it seems Gabriel got there first, it's another Dean trait being handed to him.

But on the other hand... back to the serious line... he DOES have hang ups, and he has the same angel hang ups that Cas does. This is the comparison of what they did after the apocalypse, and the diverging paths they were on. Cas felt this obligation to God and Heaven which played an overall part in his downfall in season 6 - 6x20 hammering home that he's waiting for God to tell him no before he does the thing, and in that moment of despair of missing the sign, he goes and does it. Cas has been struggling with this a long time and this is another thing along with the Sister Jo storyline and the stuff she said to Lucifer in 13x13 about feeling human, that picks up where we were in season 10 with Cas and the human arc and so on, and how he relates to being an angel. The sense of burden and obligation, his restraint from doing stuff like naffing off to hook up always obvious because we had Balthazar in 6x03 advising him to do what he had done, and what now we know for sure Gabriel was busy doing in the same time, only much better at staying under the radar about it.

Cas has never faked his death but he has died time and time again and each time he rises once more with an obligation and duty... and this time he's determined to work out WHY he was brought back, but see also rambles in 13x14 re: no you dummy you were brought back because your family loves you and wants you around, not because you HAVE to do anything, so stop running around trying to find that purpose and do what you want because you want to do it.

... but you know, do Dean instead of pornstars

"He goes on and on about pornstars"

*Sam looks utterly grossed out* "Cas, please..."

Cas is a good egg, he and Sam don't need to know the deets so he skips over an entire wall

what's with Lucifer's suit? I know I'm supposed to be all fashion meta-y but honestly all I got is "it's boring and black and with the sunglasses he's obviously a douche and evil but is he supposed to look like one of the MIB?"

mittensmorgul He's playing that other Lucifer, the one who moved to LA to solve crimes? Maybe?

elizabethrobertajones ooh is that a thing? :P hahahaha

mittensmorgul either that, or my first thought was heck he thinks he's one of the Blues Brothers "We're on a mission from God."

elizabethrobertajones yeah it looks a lot like that their whole thing was - originally - to do something to help a priest, right? I only watched half the movie

mittensmorgul YEP

mittensmorgul well it was an orphanage they were raised in that they were trying to save, run by Sister Mary Stigmata

elizabethrobertajones anyway I never watched enough to know if they were truly misguided or did something good and their nonsense was just them being nonsensical :P like, I know they were raising chaos but did they do it? you said "trying" to save >.>

mittensmorgul yeah, all sorts of wacky circumstances try to prevent them from putting on a fundraiser concert to save the orphanage (including the police, neo-nazis... all sorts of "evil") but the end of the movie is the concert, and they save the day Let the Good Times Roll as it were (Lucifer, however, failed to pull the trick off and gave up)

elizabethrobertajones yay :D so the reference could be that he's trying to do good like they are but continues to be a total fail whale

He tries to listen to prayers, and after like 3 seconds decides it's awful and he hates it when it's just people "whining" and begging for help - this is an ongoing part of his comparison to human!Cas, when Cas went to the church and dealt with faith from the other end, being the petitioner instead (having already been God at this point :P). The Buckleming vs faith stuff is a surprisingly good and consistent thing, and other notable moments are Dean's confession in season 10 and Amara being affronted by the Church in season 11.

Lucifer tunes in on a random exorcism instead, probably because he thinks it's more fun.

Poor random demon (Anthony?)... that would ruin your day.

I mean, technically he did exorcise the girl...

Probably should have just claimed to be God, not Lucifer. If you wanted to impress them. Now it just looks like these priests have a bigger problem on their hands...

Yep that went about as well as it could go. You need to stop... melting people..

oh what do I care

Anyway Lucifer has no self control because tantrumy child blah blah blah

I took a break to catch my mum up on 13x17 and wow it really rubs it home how Heaven and Hell are being manned by performing buffoons with none of the skills to do the job. Asmodeus is a loser and not even juicing himself up has made him anything more this season, summed up best in an episode where he's entirely absent and Cas's response to being imprisoned is weary eye rolling... and Lucifer is just playing at being his dad, while continuing on the path of revealing his temperament to make it impossible for him to rule effectively...

lol Ketch is so out of the game: "these... I don't even recognise" *Dean opens his gun to reveal the angel killing bullets*

You gotta play to keep up

"You don't look good."

"Well, you're not my type either."

Dean remembers last season, huh? He is pretty on the ball about not getting seduced that time and knows Ketch would do it at the drop of a hat to get what he wants from Dean.

see also: top bunk and Dean agreeing subtext from last episode

basically: Dean is still a small amount vulnerable to Ketch's seduction depending on his leverage, despite everything Dean knows about him, and that's enough to put up the barrier. Especially when he's hurt.

Oh no, Ketch asking Dean what's up with Charlie anyways and guesses "she broke your heart" and Dean symbolically collapses.

Literally what happens to Dean between 10x21 and 10x22

... okay metaphorically

I mean platonic heart breaking

I find it literally impossible not to mentally insert the feeling that Ketch killed Charlie in another lifetime and doesn't remember it and Dean is struggling with that, but Ketch genuinely has no idea, but he has become such an avatar of Buckleming nonsense in my head that I can not disengage him from the concept of dead Charlie - because also MAGDA poor lil duckie - and as such I feel a sort of all-purpose Buckleming rage directed at both the concept of Charlie's death and Ketch speaking on their behalf, which ends up in a very weird cross-purposes where I am struggling to read the story accurately, which is to say, that Ketch is genuinely innocent and just being annoying, rather than actually responsible.

Don't watch stuff this tired, kids

And, of course, immediately after establishing that Dean is somewhat vulnerable to Ketch's seductions, he swoons and Ketch comes running to check his temperature and open his clothes to check his wound

#manly bonding in the woods

guys, this is what Ketch WANTED to engineer in 12x14 but couldn't get his shit together to be human enough to actually do the things that turn Dean on

like... heal him

*cough*

Not saying that there's a serious danger Dean will be seduced. However, Dean wounded in the woods for the sake of Ketch taking care of him is a fan fic concept and as contrived homoeroticism as the #manly sweat lodge episode with Cole.

"How's it look, mom?"

You guys have the most fucked up thing ever and I refuse to engage and you can't make me

Is cas healing gabriel or reading his mind aka more invasive stuff

oh good, he is trying to heal Gabriel despite thinking it's impossible. He's trying to "jolt his mind into thinking straight"

I am curious about how we have no Sam n Cas elsewhere aside from the one argument. We've had several scenes with them now, enough to see the pattern that they appear to be focussed on Gabriel more like they are the side characters to his return, but being used to explore it and we are just getting them mostly as actors to his recovery, rather than their own feelings about what it means for him to be back and if they trust his story and so on

Sam looks distressed that Cas thinks that they can't bring Gabriel back to himself. Considering they have the grace they need to open the portal, it seems he genuinely does feel bad for the guy, and even if he didn't die on their behalf and buggered off to live the high life after telling them how to sort the apocalypse out from afar, he did enough that Sam feels genuinely grateful to him.

It's also possible that he's dealt with Dean enough to see right through his shit, and of course there's plenty of parallels to trauma Sam has been though. Gabriel looks like the version of Sam in 6x22 who remembered Hell, and that's more than enough for Sam to sympathise, especially with the bonding scene with him and Rowena in 13x12. All told, there's enough here to say Sam is deeply invested in the SUBTEXT if you know the character history

just... idk... I would prefer some Sam n Cas talk about it away from Gabriel to get more of a sense of it, and I hope that scene is coming but I'm worried it won't

Ketch seems to still be determined to fix Dean

Mmmhm.

Sorry that was a "if I had energy I would be rolling on the floor laughing at the #manly healing in the woods camera angles, like I did with 10x15, but as it is I have no energy so a raised eyebrow and low "i see you" noise in my throat will do" comment

We now also have a back and forth at least here with healing Dean and trying to get through to Gabriel. Sam is alone with him now. I think this is where we will see that speech from the promos.

Sam shuts out Cas as a purely symbolic gesture

dude can hear through walls and if the last time you two were chilling in the bunker for an episode is any indication, SEE through them too

side note: see also 9x11 for Dean x Crowley and Crowley's play at seduction, including the gross fatherly overtones to go with it

With context, Sam starting from the point that Gabriel has to dig himself out of the hole seems to reference 6x22 even more directly. He sees where Gabriel is and he's got direct experience from having his psyche broken and going catatonic. This room is playing the part of the panic room - the Bunker now can split between dungeon and bedrooms depending on how people relate to the Winchesters. Gabriel can be kept here instead of in the dungeon because they deem him good. Sam being kept in the panic room was for his own sake, but it still seemed sort of imprison-y, but then, also paralleled 4x22.

Anyways.

"You think it's safer inside. No more torture, no more pain. No more... expectations."

Look, Sam, it's lovely of you, but you are one rare cookie who voluntarily clambered over your broken wall and took back all the fucked up parts of yourself to be whole again

Oh boy now Sam is talking about how he's nothing like his dad and family and the whole comparison between the two of them that appeared when Gabriel was revealed as more than the Trickster. How they both ran away from their lives.

Sam's colour palette in his plaid exactly matches the walls and the writing on them

"And then my family needed me" (Dad's on a hunting trip...) "and this is my life. No matter how many times I try to fight it, this is what I was put here to do"

Like Cas, he has sought meaning in a "why meeeeee" way, and come to conclude, through more natural deduction than most have at hand due to their high connection to the cosmos, that where they are and what they're doing is their divinely ordained purpose

interestingly, in 13x05 Dean was told this about himself, and he's the only one we know for sure IS supposed to still be doing a job, per the cosmos, while Cas and Sam both have decided for themselves that it is what they're supposed to be doing. With dramatic irony, we know Cas is wrong due to 13x03, but Sam's is entirely more complicated and an entire essay on his character and where he is now in relation to his job and family and whether he feels obligated etc, but at the end of the day, I feel like this shows both that he is mostly content to do this - but always historically more likely to say it's because it's what Dean does and without Dean he wouldn't be doing it (see also: dad's on a hunting trip) but this always leaves open the concept that Sam still feels like at his core he's not entirely built for this life and there's a lil part of him that is still oriented towards normality, that he still has an itch that might follow him to his grave about living a somewhat normal life.

As I have talked about this a lot I will stop here, but in any case, technically nothing new, but Sam phrasing some stuff that I have analysed about him a lot and it's always nice to hear your ideas repeated on screen :D

"Sure, hookers and monte carlo sounds great" dude, sam. PORN STARS. not hookers. Have some respect, man!

Trust Gabriel to set it up so Sam's big emotional speech needs that interjection. Always fucking with him :D

Sam's getting to the speech about making the world a better place and being needed - the need/want thing is very interesting in this context that Sam has reached out to Gabriel via not wanting to help, having a sense of wanting to be elsewhere and wanting to be free, but then saying they NEED to save the world and make it a better place, and that there are external pressures like family that NEED them there.

It makes Dean's "need" in 8x17 SO horrifically personal in context it makes me weep

since I didn't write down a sneaking suspicion it was Charlie in time, I am taking the big cookie for calling Gabriel's first words, after being so freaking annoyed about not knowing them last episode, and waiting to see what they'd be this episode... "Porn stars. They were porn stars, Sam."

I mean, thematically, use the right words, but also hahahaha I totally got Gabriel's line and intent down perfectly :D

Anyway. Big cookie because last episode I was chattering about how either they'd be epic, or they'd be ridiculous, and we got ridiculous: after the Trickster lost his voice, the only way it could come back was being left an opening to say "porn stars" as his first words back.

I'm so happy

eeeep the Bunker doesn't seem to be built to contain archangel nonsense

or Buckleming forgot

who knows

maybe Asmodeus got the same confusing 20 mile radius as everyone else... he's gonna go stand in a corn field and look around like "... where are you?"

Dean full on sweet potatoes face plants

Ketch is still bothering him about Charlie which is still making me feel like he murdered her in a past life and symbolically he fkin did and I think on some deep down metafuckery level Dean knows that.

Ketch tries to suggest AU Charlie would tell the angels what they want to know and Dean's like, I know my Queen, she would never in a million billion universes do that. She's a Good Egg.

"Charlie was like family. She was a sister to me. She did more for me and Sam than I could ever say. And she was butchered by these fucking writers, and we couldn't get there in time. And I - "

Dean knows he failed her, just like he failed Kevin. He should rescue AU Kevin while they're at it.

Yeah yeah show me the bathtub, you're not fuckin tugging these heart strings, you're tugging the "I will punch you in the face" strings

Then Ketch is all full of regret about people he didn't TRY to save. "Duty, and all that." Asmodeus really broke him, but he broke him in the direction that Ketch was ALREADY broken by the BMoL, and Ketch clearly is adrift and seeking a different path - there's something about his story which is not Cas-like but still has a shade of it - he has fallen from his organisation in dishonour, but he didn't even do that right, he just failed to be as big a dick as he could have been, was killed by people who righteously were pissed off with him, and when he popped back up he went undercover and sold his services to a high bidder, to distract from his lack of purpose, only to realise he did have some sense of morality after all, even if it had initially enormous lines like "oh shit, literal lucifer" rather than nuances, but now he is reflecting on what at the time was duty and now seems failure - his Lily Sunder moments, but again... knowing he was a dick literally right up until just now when he's suddenly turning his life around.

And blah about analysing him much more. Watching 13x17 in the middle of this episode has been confusing about my Ketchmodeus resistance/feelings, as I am now genuinely curious about them and the part they play in this story, even if intellectually I'm like "Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah" to the entire concept.

"Well, you do suck."

Glad Dean is here to keep us on the right track, re: cool motive still murder :P

"Perhaps rescuing this Charlie will wash some of the stain off my hands."

look, Dabb, whoever, thanks but really, I am good over here loathing Buckleming. Get them to write a signed and sealed letter to prove they are behind this and mean it, and maybe I'll accept it as a meta commentary from their mouths. In the mean time, yes, this can be a line for the greater show, but these 2 writers are not getting sympathy without me being certain they mean it.

Dean bumps Ketch on the shoulder, all friendly like. Welp. He's dead. It was a punch, not a pat. Gentle, but.

Heee, Charlie (Celeste?) saying "Bite me"

tbh I should call her Celeste. I have no idea what name she's been using but Charlie was just an alter ego and I KNOW she was born Celeste Middleton if I don't know anything else about her. Charlie is really only a name she uses because Sam n Dean know it and care about her as Charlie

Anyway, it's the "fuck off" club

Okay, seems Asmodeus asked around/looked in Crowley's diary and found out where Sam n Dean live, and what "within 20 miles of Lebanon, Kansas" generally means when some fuckery is afoot, and just phoned Sam up rather than go right there.

Importantly, Sam has been chatting to Asmodeus for the entire time minus a week in the Bad Place AU between 13x07 and 13x13 as he was carrying the bulk of the communications with "Cas"

Also, yellow eyed demons are kinda scary, especially when you don't have a Colt and have an entire life time trauma caused by the bro of this guy

Oh pfft Lucifer is in this episode.

Oh! Sister Jo! Hi!!!! <3

She's sitting on the sofa and making me feel sulky about sofas and their general existence around here.

Asmodeus was also sitting with his feet up and had a pattern on the sole of his shoes which looks superficially similar to Jo's.

woaaaaah whaaaaaat Lucifer LIED about being able to make angels and give 'em back their wings??????????????

So yeah Sister Jo just narrowed her eyes and she's either gonna rip his throat out now or plan bloody murder by the end of the season :P

She's ripping out his throat. Wonderful. Tell it like it is *loads of clapping hands emojis*

GET OFF HER YOU BRUTE

"and now you don't have me" *storms off*

I love her

I can't believe Charlie is using Charlie Bradbury in this AU as well. I mean, I totally can. I wonder if Buckleming even know she's called Celeste :P

I'm still wondering if that angel with all the speaking lines who got away is AU!Cas

"We've got to get you out of here"

"Who the hell are you?"

... Dean you have so many cool lines but you're not being written by Robbie Thomspon, so "no time" will do I suppose

Sam n Cas wandering around the Bunker with the warding failing... uhoh

Cas really does seem to be here because he's in this episode, so far, although the support is nice for Sam I am still feeling like they aren't cashing in on the Sam n Cas dynamic, so even if it's them fighting together, I'd love to see it. I like that they have a comfortable relationship but, and big butt, it's like if there's no ongoing plot between the two of them, Buckleming really can't or won't think of anything for them to say to each other that isn't 100% about the plot.

Honestly there should be a metric where in episodes with Sam n Cas they talk about something other than Dean or the plot, which even Buckleming do pass and others fail - like the crappy car exchange in 11x03. But, like. Should be a regular function of if they're in an episode together in the same scenes, they can at least, like... exchange pleasantries.

I wonder if we can see the warding because Cas can see it or if Sam can too. I'm headcanoning Cas POV unless proven otherwise

I am pretty sure I just saw Cas get knocked on his back and in the very next shot be back on his feet and fighting, which means we got both the cas on his back tickbox and also proof it only happens when he's in a bad mood where he stays down??

Asmodeus wanders in like sorry they didn't design the warding for me.

come on, buddy. that's a "I walked out the demon trap because it's boring if I stay in here" line

Interestingly the writing does seem to be genuinely interested in Gabriel being traumatised and showing clearly that Asmodeus is the abuser, so idk if that's a wider picture thing or what because Buckleming kinda suck at considering how people, you know... feel... about things... but it's actually making the entire dynamic entirely more interesting

in any case, I really hope this scene ends with Gabriel saving them thanks to the grace and a lil TLC to help him remember himself but that that's not the end of his Asmodeus fear - which goes to show that even a weak shitty demon can be truly scary when he uses his power to abuse and we can't just say Gabriel is way more powerful than him, why is he scared of him, rather than devaluing it this way... who knows

Anyway. COME ON GABRIEL *cheering wildly despite my initial disappointment in his return* I guess I'm all in now... he's here and I said they'd fuckin make me root for him because I still like Gabriel even if I don't like that he's here right now :P

He looked terrifying while he still had the cuts on his lips and the glowing eyes.

Now he clean!

And he got fluffy wings!

*random power ball throwing bullshit*

*Gabriel like nah*

YAY Asmodeus is dead and it was an extremely satisfying and personally vindicating for Gabriel immolation!

*immediately and permanently stops caring about him as a character*

Bleh, I was wondering about the bit at the start with Charlie deflecting at the maybe maybe not AU Cas angel on the bridge but now she's wondering if Dean n our Charlie were a couple and Dean's like oh no she was into chicks and Charlie's like cool I like her, but does that imply AU Charlie is straight? I mean, in 7x20 she couldn't flirt with the security guard even in a fake way to save her life, but I was hoping the earlier thing was just to show she was tougher in this world.

Bleeeeeh

Charlie has met Mary, who should theoretically be as many years younger than her as Mary is to Dean, as Charlie is the same age as Dean. No wonder she's baffled.

Oh thank god someone stopped Buckleming using Sam n Cas to recap the entire plot of the season so far to Gabriel

I wonder what Gabriel even thinks about it when he drops off the map for 8 years and as soon as he's back, Sam and Cas are like, so. Uh. Michael vs Lucifer and some other shit?

I mean obviously he's leaving, but in a wider meta sense, of, like, do these guys ever stop? The real Michael isn't even around so they get an AU one to bother them!

Cas using the "turn your back on your father's creation" line is weak, but deliberately so, I think. Cas cares very little about anything in terms of Chuck and what he wants and does. Using it on Gabriel is a thin hope that he still cares for the principles he seemed to care about, or that he had searched for God as well as he admitted in 5x08, so perhaps, just a little, it might still sway him to think of it in these terms.

Cas has no conviction on that front, because what has Chuck ever done for him as far as Cas feels, so he can't really use that line on Gabriel and mean it

woah what a surprise, without the weird Ketchmodeus thing going on any more Ketch just wants to stay in the AU who ever would have guessed he likes it here better than cool original flavour earth

He really is banking on Charlie being as good as she's reported to be if he's planning on wandering into a camp with Mary in it like yo I'm here to help

I do like tough!Charlie, though if she's straight!Charlie, I've just gotta hope that growing up in the AU, she never got a chance to learn to be comfortable with herself in that same way and oh noes maybe Mary can help................

Dean doesn't want to lose Charlie again, but he has also to deal with the fact she has Charlie's face but she's not his Charlie, just another Good Egg with her face.

Holy crap he gave his iconic gun to Charlie

TFW catching each other up

...

why do I feel like Dean would be the one to get Gabriel to fight now Sam and Cas totally struck out? I guess there's another Gabriel episode coming up soon soon soon, which will presumably sort this out.

Ah whoops, you need more angel grace, huh?

...I shouldn't tease Sam, as this all sinks in he's looking increasingly upset and I think Cas needs to prop him up right now because last time this happened he nearly turned into a miserable puddle of defeat on the floor

Okay don't yell Dean, we're all stressed and this was all out of everyone's hands... you all made the best decisions in the moment

I feel genuinely uncomfortable with that realisation, especially to think that no one dropped the Buckleming idiot ball and they're using genuine unfortunate circumstances to create the tension whaaaaaaaaat

Dean's reaaaaaaally not doing well either. Cas needs to prop him up too.

In his case, maybe a bubble bath.

Mostly cuz he's really grubby, though.

This is also the first time in a while that they haven't wandered through the Buckleming script looking kinda perturbed, but Jensen is acting his freaking socks off.

Where did this material all come from? I said this set up might play to their strengths and avoid their weaknesses but this is uncomfortably not-terrible.

Also LOVING this shot of Dean with Sam and Cas over his shoulders

Dean better not be thinking of hurting Gabriel just to go back though.

I mean, it's urgent, but... like...

what is Jack up to right now? He and Bobby and Mary are not just sitting on their thumbs.

Next episode is another unholy Rowena & Yockey team up, right? Or is that 20?

Oh gosh we're so near the end of the season.

I'm so tired.

night night.

#13x18 #season 13 spoilers #...#I mean kinda silly when Lizbob is the last one to watch the episode but I tag it anyway out of habit #my stuff

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lawlight-week · 8 years ago

Text

Title: Now The World Is Ours

 Name of creator: @shipaholic

 Created for:  @tsuki-keehl

Prompt: “Angst” + “bottom!Light" 

Characters: Light, L

 Rating, warnings and no. of words (for fics): R (M for part 2), nuclear apocalypse, 1781 words (this part)

It’s day thirty-eight. The air is yellow and L is still not back.

Light sips his coffee. There isn’t much else to do. The monitors have been blank ever since the bomb hit, and the back-up generator hasn’t brought them back online. Venturing beyond the control room in search of a fix has been deemed inadvisable.

So, this is where they’ve holed up. This bland square space filled with non-functioning tech is all that’s available to them. Light considers his good luck, in spite of it all. Of all the places to be when nuclear warfare breaks out, L’s stupid ostentatious building had turned out to be a godsend. Radiation-resistant walls. The backup generator whirs along and keeps the lights on and the kettle working. A water filter, for L’s million cups of tea. Gas masks.

The only exit to the room is the exit to the building. L goes out to get supplies. Mostly other people’s radios and televisions he’s deconstructed. They don’t need food, for now - the kitchen is well-stocked, and Light has drawn up a plan for rations, just in case. Neither of them suffers easily from cabin-fever. Light learned that about himself during his fifty days’ confinement. As for L, Light wonders if his stint at university was his first time out of doors.

Light takes another sip of coffee. The handcuff chain clinks against the arm of his chair.

Ah, yes. Those. Light had really, really hoped he’d seen the back of those.

L had disillusioned him the first day he’d decided one of them would need to go outside.

—

“Kira cannot be trusted on his own.”

Light had stared at the twin loops dangling from L’s crabbed, pinched thumb and forefinger. He’d pushed down the urge to scream.

“We proved my innocence. You stared at those rules for hours and you couldn’t think of a loophole.”

“I think we’re beyond proof now, Kira-kun. Hold out your arm.”

“I am not Kira. It is impossible for me to be Kira. The policemen of my country have determined that I am innocent. I don’t have to do anything you say.”

L sighed. Light laughed. The sound was sharp and echoing in the metal box they now called home.

“You must be overjoyed, now it’s just the two of us. Nobody can stop you tormenting me now. It was never really about proof, was it? You know I didn’t do it, and that’s why you’re out to get me - because I showed you up. I showed everyone The Great L was wrong. You want to punish me for not being Kira.”

L’s jawline twitched. It was the first time Light had seen an emotion force its way onto his face.

“I went easy on you before, Light.” There is no pleasure on L’s plain, tired face; only immovable dislike. “During our fistfights. A trained martial artist versus a teen with a handful of high-school boxing lessons under his belt? Don’t fool yourself into thinking we were evenly matched. If I’d fought back with no care to your safety, I would have done you a serious injury. Now, I could spend the next few hours laying out why you are Kira, and why those rules in the Death Note are fake, and how you have engineered this situation to provide yourself an alibi. But I am tired, and we are out of time. Hold out your arm.”

Light laughed again. It was hard to hold back, in this new ruined world. His laugh rolled around and around the room.

He refused.

It was a miscalculation.

—

That was weeks ago.

Light rubs his jaw with the hand not holding coffee. It still twinges when he presses too hard.

In the end, he can’t stop L doing what he wants. A small light of rage burns within him, replenishing every time he looks at L, every hour he spends tied to this chair. But it isn’t defeat, not really. L is just as trapped as he is.

Footsteps sound in the corridor outside.

Whenever L comes back, Light has a shameful urge to prick up his ears and lean towards the entrance, like a dog. He only does it because nothing else happens here. But for an instant that flame of rage gets directed at himself, for feeling anything at L’s comings and goings. Light’s priority is to ensure he stays alive and L dies, and the latter will happen as soon as the former is assured.

The door sweeps open, and a yellow astronaut steps into the room.

The astronaut places a backpack carefully on the ground. It straightens up and removes its helmet. Underneath is L’s head, smaller than usual with his body covered in bulky hazmat-wear.

Light lets out a breath. He hates the feeling of relief creeping up inside him. If L became a shambling radiated zombie, or got his head bashed open by some desperate person, Light’s only reason to mourn would be for his own odds of survival.

“You were gone overnight. I was worried,” he said out loud.

L starts to wriggle out of the hazmat suit. No doubt it’ll be left in a pile on the floor until the next trip. “Apologies, Light. I found an office that was still accessible on the ground floor. It made sense to work through the night.” Just as Light knew he would, he discards his suit on the ground like an old skin. L crouches on the floor and unzips the backpack.

“Well, I’m glad you’re alive. I could do with another coffee when you’ve got a moment.” Light watches L pull bits of deconstructed computer out of the backpack. Unusually for him, he has remembered Light’s request for more toothpaste. A bright pink, half-empty bottle of shampoo, obviously stolen from some teenage girl’s bathroom, is crammed at the bottom. And so are… condoms.

Light blinks as L lays the little box on the floor with the other personal items. Definitely condoms. There’s no reason Light would hallucinate that.

“That’s a little presumptuous,” he says.

L lifts his huge eyes. His dark circles are worse than ever. If he stayed up all of last night, Light calculates he must be nearing hour eighty without sleep.

“It is still possible there are other survivors. In case we end up accommodating more people, I am trying to prepare as broad a range of supplies as possible. These don’t expire for another five years, so that gives us plenty of time.”

Light wants to laugh, but he feels too exasperated. “L, quite besides the fact that no-one else in Tokyo is likely to have been inside, effectively, a nuclear bunker when a bomb was dropped on them with no warning -”

“Breathe, Light,” L mutters.

“- And besides the fact that we now live in a single room, which while spacious, does not provide for privacy or sound-proofing -” Light does pause for breath at that point. L inspires a lot of run-on sentences - “I doubt anyone with the dubious luck of being alive in this hell on earth has sex on their mind.”

“Oh well. I’ll put them with the spare batteries.” L sets the condoms aside.

Light watches him as he sorts through the guts of the computers he’s shredded. He feels vaguely rattled, though he doesn’t know why. It isn’t just because he spent the night chained to a chair, while L was apparently raiding strangers’ night stands for sex aids.

“You’re lying to me,” he says, half to himself.

L’s nimble fingers stop sorting bits of metal. Light’s always found them interesting to watch, the strange crabbed way L holds them at odds with their dexterity. They remind him of spindly pale insects he once saw in a nature documentary.

“I regret, due to the nature of my work, I am frequently lying to you, Light-kun. As ever, I pray you won’t take it personally.”

“Oh, spare me,” Light snaps. “It’s the goddamn apocalypse. Nobody has a job any more.”

The words surprise him. The concept of an apocalypse feels straight out of comic books. It’s not a word he would normally reach for. Still, he realises that this is how it feels. Not just that Tokyo has ended, but the world has.

His New World has died, right when he’d begun to shape it for the better.

L gives him a look, but doesn’t comment on his odd word choice. “As far as I am concerned, L is a job for life. It’s not as if I was drawing a salary. I am still working a case, even as the circumstances I am working in become… highly irregular.”

“Ah, the case.” Light rolls his eyes and tips his chair back. “Some might call it selfish to fixate on catching one murderer when millions are dead and the world is in shambles.”

“What an abrupt change in Light-kun’s attitude.” L’s voice is sharp. “I recall you giving me a black eye the last time I lost focus on the Kira case.”

“Well, what can I say. Statistically, Kira is probably dead. And if not, he must be having a job locating new victims at the moment.” Light sets his empty cup down on the ground. His eye catches the condom packet and he almost loses his train of thought. “But far be it for me to question your priorities, L. One: acquire as much junk as you can carry. Two: provide for the sex lives of hypothetical guests. Three: chain up the one person who could help you and call them a murderer. Four -”

L drops the bit of piping in his hand to the tiled floor. The crash rings throughout the room.

Light almost jumps out of his skin. He stares from the pipe on the ground to L’s tightly drawn mouth.

“Light. Shut up.”

Light’s mouth snaps shut. He has never seen L lose his temper.

L resumes picking through his stack of parts, while Light’s brain whirs into overtime. It is the condoms that’s bothering him. L’s explanation makes no sense. And everything he does is calculated. Dropping them in front of Light like that… it was a provocation.

The conclusion drops neatly into Light’s head like the answer to a test. He smiles.

“You’re lonely,” he says.

L pauses. He doesn’t look up.

Light’s voice brims with satisfaction. “You’re afraid you’re going to die. So you’re hoping for a pity-fuck.”

L still says nothing. Light doesn’t need him to. His smile widens.

They spend the rest of the hours until bed in silence. Light doesn’t get his coffee. He doesn’t care. The triumph burning inside him, for once, is enough to drown the anger.

#lawlightweek2k17 #submission #fanfic #tuski-keehl #shipaholic

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mrsbluebertgreggleson · 8 years ago

Text

Femslash February, Day 22

Anna knew Ruby was back before the car's engine cut off and the demon opened the door with, "Honey, I'm home."

Yeah, Ruby was being funny again, but Anna thought about it and guessed it kinda was home. For now. It was kind of like that cabin Ruby took her to when they first met, after Alastair and the church; a little decrepit, but at least no one would come looking for them there, and unlike the cabin, no one even knew about it. Out of the way and in the middle of nowhere, no one would even be bored enough to spare the area a first glance. A good basecamp.

But not really a good home. After the Apocalypse was all done and the angels left again... Anna hoped they might be able to find something more like the house she grew up in. Simple and warm with human comforts.

Anna turned to watch Ruby come in to what they called the bedroom, zipped up tight in her black leather and dark denim, a lazy smile on her lips for Anna. So Anna liked to think. She and Ruby had come a long way together and they'd found a special sort of lonely companionship in each other that they never expected.

So Anna liked to think.

"Did you meet up with Sam and Dean?" Anna asked, deceptively casual and feeling all the shittier for it. She doesn't like feeling like she's trying to trick Ruby like this, like she doesn't trust her; it makes her feel like the liar. But what Cass had said...

"Sam and Dean? No, just Sam, thank God," Ruby said, rolling her eyes. "Dean went MIA, so Sam called me and had me find him. Didn't even want to hear about our lead on Lilith."

"If Dean was missing, I can see why."

"I don't," Ruby said bluntly.

Anna let that pass without comment. Ruby's, uh, dislike of Dean sometimes made her think everyone else hated him too. Anna was still surprised Ruby even agreed to meet up with Sam if Dean was there. She wished they would just get over whatever problems they had with each other already and work together the way they had when Anna met them, but Ruby point-blank refused on the grounds that Dean was a "racist prick."

Thing was, Anna didn't really see that side of Dean. She worried that she was the real reason Ruby hated Dean so much. Had Ruby seen her kiss Dean at the barn? Did she know about the one time in the back of Dean's car? If Ruby brought it up, Anna would gladly explain that she cared about Dean as a friend, that she had just been trying to comfort him after Alastair had shaken him, that it was Ruby she imagined with her when she thought of her human house. But Ruby didn't bring it up and Anna wondered if she should even go that far to reveal how much Ruby meant to her. She was pretty sure Ruby liked her since they spent so much time together and Ruby went out of her way to try to keep Anna safe, but they both knew that for all her attempts to get Ruby to open up, Anna didn't know as much about Ruby as Ruby did about her. She didn't trust Anna as much as Anna trusted her. Which Anna understood. After all the time Ruby spent getting tortured and abused in Hell, with demons mocking her and using any vulnerabilities they found against her, of course Ruby would be used to staying closed-off and quiet. Defense mechanisms. Anna had heard plenty about that. She counted it a miracle Ruby had come out of Hell at all intact.

But... that didn't make it any easier to know how Ruby felt about her. Maybe Anna was just wrong. Maybe she overestimated how much she meant to Ruby. How terrible would it be to explain to Ruby that she only liked Dean and that she loved Ruby, only for Ruby to not feel the same way? What if that drove Ruby off? Then Anna would go right back to where she was before, but worse. Totally, completely alone.

And would Ruby stick around if she knew you think she's lying to you? an insidious little whisper in the back of Anna's mind. Her own thoughts, she was pretty sure. She shut it out. She did trust Ruby. She just wanted to find out more on Ruby's side of things, that's all.

"When you found Dean, did you go with Sam to save him?" Anna asked quietly.

Ruby laughed. "Fuck no. Sam didn't ask and believe me, Dean would rather die than have me save his sorry ass for the fifteenth time. Anyway, he's fine, Sam texted me to let me know he got him."

That wasn't the way Anna heard it, but maybe Sam just didn't want Ruby to know how bad it was. It was possible. Anna bit her lip, gazing at Ruby. Ruby noticed and raised her eyebrows. "What?"

"Did Sam tell you what happened?"

Her eyebrows dropped over narrowed eyes. Her arms folded and she leaned against the wall. "No. What happened?"

"Dean didn't go missing on a hunt," Anna explained, watching Ruby closely. "Castiel and Uriel - the angels from before - they took him to make him torture Alastair for information."

Ruby looked entirely unbothered. "Huh. Well, now I'm glad Sam didn't ask me to tag along, 'cause I sure wouldn't be up for another round with those guys." She pushed herself upright off the wall with her boot. "Hope Dean at least got some good slices in before Sam dragged him off."

"Sam didn't drag him off," Anna said, very, very quiet. "Sam tortured Alastair himself. And then he killed him."

Ruby stared at her, stock-still. Anna stared back. Trying to decipher the look in Ruby's eyes, the look on her face. "Whoa. Sam tortured Alastair? And actually offed him?" Ruby looked away. Huffed out a laugh. Turned back to Anna with a smile Anna didn't return. "I'll be damned. This is some good fucking news, Anna. Want to go hit up the nearest town for some champagne?"

Anna shook her head, trying to will understanding into Ruby. "No. It's not good news. It's very, very, very bad news. Sam didn't do it with your knife, Ruby, he did it all with his powers." Her fingernails dug into the thick bed mattress. "He shouldn't be able to do that."

Ruby looked at her like she was crazy. Anna had thought she'd never have to get that look again. Somehow, it stung even worse this time. She never expected it from Ruby. "Are you joking?" Ruby demanded, staring. "You're worrying about that? Anna, Alastair is dead! Maybe you haven't heard of him? Hell's Grand Inquisitor, Lilith's attack-dog? Killed your parents, tortured me, wanted to torture you? The next-biggest threat after Lilith? And Sam fucking killed him? That's great! Now we only gotta take Lilith out!"

Anna felt a wave of despair hitting her. Was Ruby not getting it? Or was Castiel right with his suspicions? Anna pressed, desperate to make Ruby see, to make Ruby realize why this was so wrong. "Ruby, the problem isn't that Alastair's dead, it's that Sam shouldn't be using those powers in the first place. You know what he was supposed to be. And you know how he was supposed to become that." Anna took the plunge, knowing there was no going back. "You knew all that and you still trained him to use those powers."

Ruby came closer, never looking away from Anna. "You're damn right I did," she said, low and almost guttural. Anna had never seen her like this before. It didn't scare her like it would've before she had her memories back, but it made her heart sink. "Lilith is one mean bitch and one little knife isn't going to cut it. Your angel buddies couldn't even dent Alastair, and he's miles below Lilith's level. Sam's not there yet either... but he's getting there. Turning into something all right. A lean, mean, demon-killing machine. And believe me, Lilith needs killing before she can pop the box open on the Devil." Ruby spread her arms out. "But hey. You got a better solution? I'm all ears, baby."

Anna closed her eyes, shook her head. "Anything else. Anything."

"There's nothing else and you know it. The angels aren't getting shit done. The Colt could've done the trick, but the Winchesters went and lost it and now Lilith's got it. You think she'll let us borrow it so we can blow a hole in her head? I don't."

"Sam isn't the one who'll stop Lilith. Dean is," Anna reminded her. Ruby laughed, angry and spiteful, and Anna sighed, tired, wishing she'd never heard the others talking about Dean and his duties with Alastair, wishing none of this was happening. "I know you don't believe that. I'm not sure I do, either. What I do know is that we can't let Sam throw his humanity away and bring us closer to the Apocalypse. You can't keep helping him with his powers. Whatever you're doing, you have to stop."

"I'm not doing anything," Ruby said, eyebrows up in challenge. "I may have gotten him started with training wheels, but I have no idea when he got to riding like a big boy. After Dean came back, he told Sam to quit and Sam, well, what can I say? Dean tells him to jump, he finds the tallest roof he can."

"Obviously not this time. He's still doing it."

Ruby shrugged. "Maybe, if he managed to drop Alastair. Or maybe the conditions happened to be right for him to get in a lucky shot. He was pretty pissed off when I got there, maybe he went nuclear and so did his powers. All I know is that he hasn't mentioned it to me in months and I haven't mentioned it to him. When would I even have the time to train him? I'm always with you, he's always with Dean."

Yeah, that was true. There was no time for Ruby and Sam to sneak off to develop Sam’s powers so much without Anna or Dean noticing. Anna felt a little relief. Just a little, though. "Still, if his powers have gotten strong enough to do that to Alastair, then something's changed in him. Making him closer to what Azazel meant for him to be."

"Oh please, Azazel's even deader than Alastair. What he 'wanted' Sam to be doesn't mean shit if he's not around to pull the strings and make his puppet dance." She seemed almost as desperate to convince Anna as Anna was to convince her. It was enough to make Anna hesitate. Ruby seemed so sincere, so convinced that she was right. "I never figured you were one to believe in Destiny. I thought you knew better than that."

"I do," Anna said, matching the quiet intensity of Ruby's voice. "We're not talking about Destiny. We're talking about a human throwing himself headfirst into something he doesn't understand and risking everyone's lives in letting it consume him."

"You don't trust Sam?"

Anna couldn't answer. She trusted Sam, the Sam she'd met. It was what she heard about him that she didn't trust. The boy with the demon blood, the boy king of a demon prince's army, destined to end the world in tears and blood. With such dark times so precariously near, Anna didn't care to take chances with Azazel’s chosen weapon.

Ruby tilted her head at Anna's silence. "You don’t trust him. Wow. That's wild. Even I trust him and I'm a cold-hearted bitch."

"Don't say that," Anna said reprovingly, "no, you're not."

Ruby rolled her eyes and smiled. “Well, if an angel said it...” Then a new thought struck her and she scrutinized Anna again. "Wait. You trust me, don't you?"

"Yes." After all her doubts, she felt disingenuous saying it, but she still believed it was true. She still believed in Ruby.

Ruby laughed, not unkindly. "Aww, that's sweet. I'm more trustworthy than the Boy Scout." She bent down and surprised Anna with a rather tender kiss. Anna closed her eyes and kissed back, tired of doubting, tired of suspicion. She paid a heavy price for freedom everyday, sometimes it felt like too much. Still, she'd take this, here, with Ruby, over the cold, unfeeling, unwavering certainty and blind obedience of Heaven anyday.

Ruby drew back, whispered in Anna's ear, lips wet and her breath hot and smoky against Anna's skin, "I'll keep an eye on Sam if you want me to. If I see him start acting any different from his normal goody two-shoes self, I'll step in and stop it myself. Good?"

"Good," Anna agreed feverishly, then her fingers wove through Ruby's thick, curling black hair and she pulled the demon back to her mouth, tugging her until Ruby found her way onto the couch, on top of Anna, and for a blessed few hours, Anna could stop thinking, worrying, planning, and just feel.

#spn #spn fic #femslash february #anna milton #spn: ruby #annaxruby #shipping #long post #text post #this part's to get a little more good time anna/ruby in #and establish anna's view re: ruby regarding sam #because hoo hoo guess who's getting the rug pulled out from them next fic?#she's got red hair and her name rhymes with 'banana'

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masterzii · 6 years ago

Text

GameDev

I periodically get emails from indie devs who are just getting started. They're looking for advice. Sometimes, their questions are so relevant to the kinds of things that I'm currently thinking about that I end up typing way too much in response to them. Seems like a waste of typing for just one person's benefit. I post what I typed here, hoping that it will benefit multiple people.

In this case, the person was looking for advice based on specific games that weren't total failures, but didn't sell as well as they were hoping. They were thinking about giving up, getting a job, etc.

The games in question are here:

Pillar (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0z7AAJbMFeU)

The Path of Motus (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXEjMuZmVww)

It's a little weird to make a public example out of someone, but it's hard to understand what I wrote without this context. And furthermore, I think this particular designer is doing something pretty cool, and above-and-beyond what I usually see from first-time designers that email me. So I feel okay elevating the profile if this work while also dissecting it at the same time.

To summarize the question with condensed quote:

I've come to the conclusion that maybe my games just aren't appealing to the mass amount of gamers. Both titles are really strange conceptually... but then I see your games do very well and I feel that debunks my theory as your games also stand out conceptually. I also feel I've made a mistake in taking too long on my games. Perhaps I need to churn out games faster and work on building up more of a following. I'd appreciate hearing any thoughts or advice you have. What do you think helped your games have financial success?

Here's what I wrote in response:

Well, Step #1 is email me so that I watch your Pillar trailer and have my mind kinda blown by the vibe that it's giving me. :-)

Really complicated and haunting feeling. Reminds me of the feeling that I got years ago from "I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream."

Next step is read this Reddit post of mine:

https://www.reddit.com/r/gamedev/comments/7wnud8/note_i_didnt_make_any_money_until_game_14_if/

And gird your loins to keep failing and not give up yet.

That said, when I look at these games, I'm not at all shocked that they're not selling well. I can't put my finger on it.... but there's something about the presentation that feels a tad amateurish. I think part of it may be that you're overshooting your abilities in terms of content creation/animation/etc. You're trying for a "pro" polished look, but falling short. I mean, these games don't look as put-together as Braid, for example, but they're clearly shooting for something like that. Whereas, The Castle Doctrine achieves a cohesive "nu low-fi" look, and no one would try to compare the look to Braid.

I'm too close to One Hour One Life to judge it properly (I absolutely LOVE the way that it looks), but I think that other people describe it's look as "charming". Somehow, these simple cartoons "work" and are seen as cute. Again, the low aim disarms people a bit. It's not pixel art.... but it's like the hand-drawn equivalent of that. Doodles. My first non-pixel-art game in like a decade, but I somehow hit a different kind of sweet spot.

So that's the look component of it. The Pillar look is actually the better of the two. The only thing that feels slightly off on that one is the walking animations, but it almost works anyway.

Next: WTF are we doing in these games?

Weird new games need to be CRYSTAL CLEAR about how they are innovative. The trailers need to get people's gears turning, and make them understand exactly why they've never played a game like this before.

Take a look at the The Castle Doctrine trailer or the One Hour One Life trailer. After watching those, you really have a deep understanding of how these games work (the trailer is almost like a tutorial), and you can clearly see why there has never been a game like this before.

And that may be another canary in the coal mine moment for you. Even if your trailer did explain it better, would the core "what people are doing in the game" part be mind-blowing enough to even be included in the trailer?

"A game where you build security systems and then try to break through security systems designed by other people"

"A game where you're born as a helpless baby to another player as your mother, and you live an entire life in one hour"

Pretty much everyone I've ever told those elevator pitches to (even non-gamers) was instantly intrigued.

I often wait until I have that kind of idea before making my next game. A "Holy crap!" idea. An idea that is so obvious and perfect that I rush too Google, hoping that no one else has thought of it yet. An idea that will make everyone else say, "Why didn't I think of that?"

In the case of The Castle Doctrine, I had at least 5 designer friends of mine sheepishly admitted to me that they had been working on exactly the same game. So I was right to be nervous about someone else doing it first. Then I saw the movie The Purge. A lot of people were thinking along the same lines around that time....

And if you have that kind of idea, it's easier to communicate that in the trailer and get people really excited about it.

Finally: Value proposition

When people decide to plunk money down for a game, they are generally doing one of two things:

They are so overwhelmed by the emotions stirred up by the very idea of your game that it's an impulse buy. Games with extremely evocative visual styles can often pull this off. The Last Night is a great forthcoming example of this. It will make enough people scream HERE DAMMIT TAKE MY MONEY that it will sell well no matter what. Hyper Light Drifter is another. These are first-week games. These games are like Levitron Tops. The idea of a floating top on your coffee table is enough.

They conduct a careful research project about your game, and the math works out to them. This is a deep game that they could get into for a long time and reap many weeks/months/years of enjoyment out of. They kick the tires, pinch the fabric between their fingers, heft the thing in their hands.... yes, this is gonna be worth $20. These games are like backpacks. You spend some time finding just the right one. You're going to be wearing it on your back for a while. (Monkey-on-my-back metaphor is not lost on me here.)

Single-player games usually have to rely on #1 to sell well. There are a few exceptions---usually some kind of endless building games where what the player does is up to them (Stardew Valley, Factorio, Subnautica), or steep-curve rogue-likes (Spelunky, Nuclear Throne). Emergence and long-term replayability is key, either way.

Sadly, as a result, I think single-player games are kindof a dying breed in the modern ecosystem. We're not going to see many Braid or Fez type success stories these days. And the few that do succeed will do so on raw emotion alone (pure #1). But the road is currently littered with big-budget single-player indie failures that totally would have been successful five years ago. Also, we must keep in mind that even Braid- or Gone Home-level success is small potatoes next to Stardew Valley or Factorio.

Thus, I'm skeptical of the indie apocalypse. People are just generally playing different types of indie games now than they were before. The old guard is experiencing system-shock when their short, consumable, single-player games aren't selling like they used to, and first-time indie devs are experiencing the same thing for the same reasons (because first games are almost always short, consumable, single-player games). But indie games are making way more money now than they ever have made.

So, if you're making this kind of game.... you REALLY better be sure that you're punching #1 square in its impulse-buying heart. If your game's initial impression gives people pause, it's already over.

But it's much more viable to target #2.

Many people played The Castle Doctrine every day for 11 months straight. Many people have played One Hour One Life 900 hours over the past seven months. Can your game do that? If so, then it can fit into the #2 ecosystem.

These games are NOT first-week games. These are the types of games that have their biggest week a year after launch, when people collectively realize just how deep the value proposition of the game really is.

Multiplayer is the easiest way forward. But there are also single-player paths here, as mentioned above. But my first "hit" game (14 games in, Sleep is Death) just happened to be a multiplayer game....

Even so, you still have to have a tiny bit of #1 in there to get people intrigued enough in the first place that they conduct the research project and find the value proposition. But it doesn't have to punch them in the heart. It can also tickle their brain conceptually. If they walk away from the trailer musing about the game, that's the seed that will grown into a research project where they will eventually decide to buy it.

But most importantly, you're only two games in. You have a lot of learning to do, and you will keep getting better and better at designing and making and selling games. Go back and look at my second game, and imagine if I had given up there.

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chaoscrystals · 7 years ago

Text

Every note in my phone 7

I always imagine someone is watching me its part of my creative energy I have no divining rod but I can see quite clearly, I could go buy selenite for cleansing but is rather not right now... I always think someone is watching me and its a complicated feeling I'm watching is go by in a swirl of purple pink green etc. It looks like army print texture. I'm meditating enough to be smarter but not enough to be calm. Its nothing more than what it is. It is what you feel and what you percieve. If I didn't think it was a joke, I would have the most beautiful voice in all the land I always think something is watching me it hurts I'm seeing red clovers in my vision and black holes coming out of my pinched vertebrae or whatever is going on in my back. My friends are making noise and I feel alright. So if I'm trying to dissolve my paranoia Its almost summer and the nuclear war is scaring people. Just scaring people. They are just scared I am just scaring people because everyone is in secret all the time and they need to be shocked out of it. What am I doing here? Why do I need this so badly. Drop everything and answer the question. I am exacting revenge for a horrible fate pressed on me ....is any of this normal? Me perceiving ancestral memories. I guess so. I wish I had someone to smile at I wish someone was looking but I am just making sure that it is all the wrong people aren't I? Aren't you. There's no point anymore. All I want is in my hands. Its in my hands. I am glued to my phone in my hands because nothing better to do than soak up radioactivity and allow the wi fi to deliver information at astonishing speeds and mess with all my thoughts like I'm messing with yours now. All exacting my revenge for something that happened to a woman I can barely remember being, but I'm sure when I was alive is was in her body through her skin breathing through her skin and taking in all those..days before pollution but without condoms and surgeries only these things are okay If I have no outlet I can't let out out and its gotta get out and I know it will and I know you can't stop me from doing what I will If you tell me free will is an illusion we can't be friends because i don't believe in that and the universe goes right down too my every last particle,i want to eat it and be it, and if you let me i promise i will never leave you alone. Gets tired of wearing faces. I can't say much. I just wanna eat and smoke pot and play guitar and have friends. But I put so much attachment on what I'm doing cause I believe that's The only way I can be loved. I can't believe what's happening to me I feel another dimension opening up. I want to eat it and be it and if you let me i will stay with you forever. And we will be everything. Every disaster stays whispering that it could have happened around our aides as we walk through the train yard, my head is dizzy. And my nose is picking up on the scent of metal. I feel confused, and I know we were driven here by a disaster. Not quite a zombie apocalypse but it wasn't good. It wasn't good. I still get knots. In. My stomach thinking about it. Everything was just malfunction and before I knew it we were dead This is a poem I'm writing for you, I know who you our, pour out our romance is awkward i hiccup or cough or glitch. My wailing insufferable and unendable. Suffering unbearable. Who would have guessed these words had so much meaning. Obsession This is the truth of my being: i love fucking. I believe in morality and maybe even a little in moral superiority, though I wished I didn't. I don't have sex that often but I think about it a lot. I like to do it with people when I admire something about them. Or its just that insatiable craving, that I gotta have em... Its great when I'm not feeling timid. My hearts kind of blocked off. I really want a boyfriend. I obviously know everyone I hook up with isn't gonna be my boyfriend. I haven't been in a relationship for a few months. But honestly, I think the emotional investment is a lot more important than whatever we decide to refer to each other as. I wish someone would let me just pour myself out to them and just let me give them all of me. All of me - Billie Holiday Sing to them with his arm around me. God I'm eternally sighing as I fantasize about this...I want a boyfriend..a mate. I don't understand why I haven't had someone who feels. .. .. Like how I want them too that's so fucked up I can't accept myself if I can't accept other people for who they are. That's what it means. Whenever its someone new I imagine us becoming these ideal versions and riding off into the sunset. It hasn't happened yet i dont think its going to until i... I am a very spiritual person I believe that my life and surroundings are reflecting my thoughts emotions and of course, history. If I can come into alignment with who I am so that I feel comfortable in my life, and I'm playing the songs I want to be playing, I think that will be when I find someone who is there for me and I can be there for them too. There's that longing in my heart again. The reason why I liked the lyrics to blue moon so much. Whenever I like someone i get obsessed a little bit.. Especially musicians. Its weird for me to be having such intense emotions and thinking that I can't share them. In my experience, whenever I share how I feel they leave and are scared to connect... Then I cry. Sometimes I start telling them about all my problems because I want to be seen crying. I think its not fair that I'm not allowed to share these parts of me that feel so lonely. I ate a bunch of chocolate today I want Ariel to want me around him but I can't force anything. It hurts to want it and think i don't get it. It really hurts I keep reminding myself that I can take my backpack and hit the road, if I want. Its making me feel better. If I can't have the boyfriend I want, I can fucking leave and wander around meeting everyone until I get homesick and take my entitled ass home I know I'm having a lot more thoughts than I could probably write down. Not only that but now I'm sad I was hoping I would be writing something beautiful but I'm still going to let it be... I'm sorry my eating disorder makes me awkward and uncomfortable I'm just not ready to let go. I want everyone to know about it. I hate drinking tap water it makes me feel awful

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masterzii · 6 years ago

Text

"My Games Didn't Sell Well" --- Here's my advice for you.

The games in question are here:

Pillar (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0z7AAJbMFeU)

The Path of Motus (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXEjMuZmVww)

To summarize the question with condensed quote:

Here's what I wrote in response:

Well, Step #1 is email me so that I watch your Pillar trailer and have my mind kinda blown by the vibe that it's giving me. :-)

Really complicated and haunting feeling. Reminds me of the feeling that I got years ago from "I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream."

Next step is read this Reddit post of mine:

https://www.reddit.com/r/gamedev/comments/7wnud8/note_i_didnt_make_any_money_until_game_14_if/

And gird your loins to keep failing and not give up yet.

So that's the look component of it. The Pillar look is actually the better of the two. The only thing that feels slightly off on that one is the walking animations, but it almost works anyway.

Next: WTF are we doing in these games?

"A game where you build security systems and then try to break through security systems designed by other people"

"A game where you're born as a helpless baby to another player as your mother, and you live an entire life in one hour"

Pretty much everyone I've ever told those elevator pitches to (even non-gamers) was instantly intrigued.

And if you have that kind of idea, it's easier to communicate that in the trailer and get people really excited about it.

Finally: Value proposition

When people decide to plunk money down for a game, they are generally doing one of two things:

But it's much more viable to target #2.

https://www.reddit.com/r/gamedev/comments/9k8wsi/my_games_didnt_sell_well_heres_my_advice_for_you/

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