#i genuinely just assumed they have some brain thing that makes them lack social cues? so i didnt say anything plus obviously dealing w stuff

[grossillygirl]

:( remembering things from when my dad passed sux. it also sux to comfort someone about their dad when they barely comforted me when mine was in the hospital. i feel angry but ofcourse dont want to express it because that would be cruel

[wistfulwatcher]

Hello I saw your tag on that "im 25 and dying post" please tell us how it got better for you. Im 26, still living with parents, currently having a fight with my boyfriend, and i still have a year until I get my bachelors. The comparison to everyone younger than me is killing me.

I'm really sorry to hear that you're struggling, but I hope you can take some solace in the fact that that post has a lot of notes and you are absolutely not alone in feeling the way you do! I can certainly try and share my experience, but unfortunately I think the biggest factor is just time (and like, a buttload of self-reflection).

I moved back home after college and worked full time at an administrative job I was doing during school breaks. I majored in psychology and anthropology in college, and was planning to eventually go into forensic psychology, but wasn't interested in going straight into grad school. So I did that administrative job for about a year, and tried to find something that was a bit more stable and at least semi-related to my field. I did end up finding a new job when I was 23 - stable, semi-related to my field (a psych/research background was required), and decent pay (especially as I was still living at home). Exactly what I needed, since I still wasn't ready to start looking into grad school.

I was doing pretty well, until I started getting comfortable at that job, and then I started getting hit with the "I'm not doing enough," and "I need to look into grad school," and "will I ever find a boyfriend?" (friendly reminder that 23-year-old me thought she was straight, yikes), "how will I afford to move out, I have to save my money and do it soon!", "I'm not doing anything but watching TV, I'm wasting my life," "I'm lonely, but I'm too tired to try and make friends," etc., etc.

But it wasn't constant. I'd have a flurry of those questions and fears, and then days where I was just living life and doing my job and taking care of my dogs, without any of that. And I don't think I felt good or particularly comfortable those days, it was more like I just wasn't actively thinking about it, like when you feel "good" after a physical pain goes away and you're just normal.

Eventually, I started thinking about all of these concerns I had, and the fact that it felt like it was URGENT whenever I thought about them. It felt like I needed to get my shit together immediately. I also started to acknowledge that there was this big sense of guilt around those concerns; I was too old to be living at home, I was too old to be single, I was too old not to be starting a career. I felt like I was wasting my life (cue the guilt), and I realized that part of why I felt like I was wasting it was that I felt like I was missing milestones I wouldn't be able to do at a later time because the older I was past "normal" the more humiliating it would be to try (cue the shame and embarrassment, hard).

I also started to doubt that I wanted to go into forensic psychology. More importantly, I started to seriously doubt that I wanted a "career" at all. My job (as I kept that same semi-related to my field one) was absolutely a job, not a career. And I think this was a huge tipping point for me, because a career had always been a given in my life. I'm passionate about what I'm interested in, so it literally just never occurred to me that I would be content with a job. I also started acknowledging that I had some messed up associations about being content with a job meaning that I was lazy (because the only way to be ambitious is with a career and, more damaging, a lack of ambition is fundamentally bad).

Now, I need to clarify that all of the above occurred over the course of years. I was constantly seeing "friends" (i.e., of the facebook variety) go to grad school, start careers, get married, buy homes, etc. And with all of that alongside the entire mess I've outlined in the above paragraphs, it was really, really, tough. It gets hard to find a foothold in better thinking, I believe, when seeing all of these people (some younger) doing things "right" was really just compounding my guilt and shame. (I feel like it's worth mentioning, too, that I was always "an individual" growing up, march-to-the-beat-of-my-own-drummer, yada yada. I feel like that's worth pointing out for others who may be in the same boat, because I think it can lead to another layer of shame in comparing yourself to those around you - especially if it's a big part of your identity that you DON'T do that, because I think it's inevitable as you get older, and you're looking to reach these milestones that prove you're an adult.)

So, here I am, acknowledging that I feel guilt and shame about what I'm not doing. And suddenly I ask myself my first really important question: Do I want a career? The question hot on its heels is: Do I want to go to grad school? Honestly, my answer is no. There is nothing in me that's excited by the prospect. But what, does that mean I'm just going to work my job for the rest of my life? How is giving up going to make me feel better about Not Doing Enough?

As I'm opening this door (remember, years), three things happen: 1) I realize I'm gay, 2) I watch Dirty 30, 3) I start playing D&D.

First, realizing I'm gay. Woohoo! Not only was this exciting because girls are amazing, but it made me seriously look at myself. Realizing I had spent 25 years assuming one thing about myself that turned out to be completely wrong made me question everything for a while. I started to ask myself, "Do I really like this?" more often, which seems like a really obvious question, but I'm not convinced that it's one people ask themselves consciously all that often. But once I did, I realized how freeing it was to answer, "No," and move on to something I did like.

Second, I watched Dirty 30, the Grace Helbig/Mamrie Hart/Hannah Hart movie. It feels dramatic to say that it changed my life, but the older I get the more I honestly think it did. Mamrie Hart's character is a dental hygienist who is freaking out about turning 30 and feeling very much like that text post I reblogged. But (spoilers), at the end of the movie, she decides that she loves her job (job, not career!) because it's comfortable and she has fun at work, and that it makes her happy. She has other things going on, but the idea that a character in a film is content with her job and choosing to "settle" into her life as-is and she's genuinely happy about it? I honestly can't think of a single other time I've seen that happen on-screen. I still think about that ending very often. And after seeing it, I started to ask myself another question regularly: "Am I happy?" Again, this feels pretty obvious, but I think there is something incredibly empowering about making sure you are happy on a regular basis, instead of just assuming that you're fine until something hurts.

Third, I started playing D&D. This is not a plug for D&D! (Well, maybe a little.) One thing that happened to me when I started to get into the urgent-guilt-shame-confusion mess of my mid-20s was that I got very much into a routine of go to work, come home, sleep, go to work, come home, sleep, be totally brain-dead on the weekend, repeat. I found it very difficult to feel creative because I was just wiped, and as all of my creative outlets (gifs, fanfic) are self-motivated, it was really easy to brush them off. I ended up starting Critical Role (this is also not a plug for CR! well, maybe), and I wanted to give D&D a try myself. (I was VERY lucky - my best friend happened to be listening to the Adventure Zone at the same time I started CR, and she wanted to try to run a game. The stars truly aligned!)

I started playing, then DMing, and found that it was a great fit for my interests. I used to be a theatre kid, and I was getting to act again (something I didn't realize I was missing). I was getting to build and flesh out characters, which is what I love the most about writing fanfic. I was also discovering that I was stretching myself - world building and plot had never been my strong suit, but as a DM it became the majority of my creative effort. It gave me soft deadlines with people I didn't want to let down, and it made me truly social again for the first time since college. Essentially, it was filling in all of the gaps of what I felt lacking in my life. This isn't a D&D plug because it wasn't D&D specifically, but rather a hobby that satisfied what was missing in my life. For example, I didn't realize how isolated I was before D&D until I had regular interactions with friends, and that isolation absolutely made the urgent-guilt-shame-confusion worse.

D&D gave me that final push to realize that I was OK with having a job and being passionate about hobbies instead of trying to fit myself into a career, because I was getting out of that hobby what I had been convinced I would get out of a career. I started to really value that I could punch out and go have fun doing exactly what I wanted to do. (It feels so obvious as I type this, but it took me a long time to get here! Sometimes it really is that simple!)

The above is specific to my job vs. career struggle which may not be in the mix of things you're struggling with. But what I do think is universal/can be your take away, is that sometimes you just have to actively choose to let go of the pressure to be doing things. Which, I know, sounds so much easier than it is (and part of why I think it just takes time/is part of growing older). But I think it's something that can be worked at over time, by checking in with yourself about what you feel, why you feel it, and what you need to make yourself feel better in the present.

It's been 6 years since I started that semi-related job, and I'm still there. I still live with my mom. I'm still single. My circumstances have not changed since 24, but honestly? I'm OK. When I check in with myself about it, I do enjoy living with my mom and our dogs (even though I'm 30 and "real" adults move out). I am happy more often than I'm not (much more, actually!). I have a job that allows me to be done after 8 hours, and I have hobbies I look forward to doing each night (and the energy to do them, most of the time). My weekends are free to play D&D with my friends and laugh until I cry. That is what I've worked out as my definition of what I want life to be right now. You'll notice it includes none of the "milestones" that those younger than me have hit.

As I noted on that text post tag, I still struggle with this. I definitely have days where I think, I'm a mess, I'm not DOING anything. It's hard. But time does help, those days become fewer and farther between.

I know that was probably a hundred times longer than you wanted it to be, but I did want to illustrate just how much of a process it is. It takes time. My summary advice is to check in with yourself often, be honest about what you want and what you need, do not let anyone else define where you "should" be. And if you aren't living life how you want to be, identify what you can do (however small) to make yourself feel like you're getting closer.

[lilkathlean]

Biography: Spoken Word

My name is Kathleen

My name is Kathleen but that’s not my real name that’s just what was written on my birth certificate

My name is Kathleen but I do not know that name, I do not associate that name as I do with anything else

My name is Kathleen and it is a beautiful name that came from a probably beautiful woman but although it’s my beautiful name it is not my name

My name is Kathleen but my name is actually Katie

I’m sixteen

I’m sixteen and I’ve been sixteen for just under a month and do not have my permit

I’m sixteen and don’t have my permit because I need a physical paid for by the insurance I don’t have

I don’t have insurance because I don’t live with either of my parents so when I go to get glasses or for a doctors appointment at the Walmart clinic 30 miles away it is paid for out of pocket by grandma or on my aunts TASC card

The lack of insurance means I’ve got billions of ideas about what’s wrong with my brain but no licensed professional to get a diagnosis from

I’ve been self diagnosed (and online diagnosed of course) with depression and anxiety and sometimes I purposely miss out on things due to what may or may not be those illnesses

I’ve been unprofessionally diagnosed with Aspergers

Aspergers is a variety of autism in which you cannot read social cues or know the right thing to say at the right time

I have a very large problem with texture and my grandma says that only kids with autism have texture problems

As you can assume I have ruined plenty of conversations on many different occasions

I don’t have a boyfriend

I don’t have a boyfriend because the last one I did have was crazy, lazy, and gross

His mental instability has made me wary of another boyfriend because boys in my town are only racist and hot or fake not racist and ugly and smelly (the last one)

Or gay

My friend Kaleb falls under gay because I feel like when he was being made they made 1/2 of a gay man but then forgot what they were doing and made him like girls instead

I also don’t have a boyfriend because I find other people my age and in my are repulsive, boring, and racist

I get bored easily because it’s the same person always and I was not meant to be tied down

Once somebody shows you their true colors don’t try to paint a better picture with them because you will only destroy yourself in the long run

I am scarily similar to my aunt in most aspects of life

Physically and mentally

It’s because we’re only 18 years apart and she has basically raised me (as well as my grandma and my parents put in some effort as well just not as much)

We talk and act the same

As my grandma says “one of you will lie and the other one would swear to it” which is completely true

We dress similar buying out clothes at Maurice’s, JC Penney’s, Hot Topic sometimes

We both love shopping, cities, and music from the 60’s, especially The Beatles

We both love buying makeup and beauty products especially mascara and eyelash curlers

She has dated stalkers, alcoholics, and the like

Because she’s drawn to broken people to try and fix them and make them something way better than what they are

She says it’s called codependency

Although I’ve only had one serious boyfriend I fear I will follow in the same path

I knew there was a lot wrong with him in the beginning because what normal 16 year old has no life goals, tries to start a gang with his three almost but not quite friends, and threatens to start doing coke when you can’t come watch Moonrise Kingdom with him

He enjoyed getting carelessly high and sloppily drunk and after we were done he posted about me all over social media because the end was just oh so sudden and unexpected

Him and his friends told people I dumped him to sleep with the new kid, which I would never do because he is an ass

Yes they also told the new kid

I don’t have what can be considered talents.

I don’t have talents because I don’t stick with hobbies long enough for them to stick with me

I don’t stick with them long enough because if I’m not instantly good at something I quit

I quit because I’m afraid of failure

I am over emotional on almost all levels especially when I shouldn’t be

I have cried at every live event I’ve been too

Warped Tour because it was my little emo dream to go

Disney musicals because I felt genuinely sorry for the beast and because I also got my picture taken with the cast of the little mermaid

Willy Wonka live because of the song Cheer up Charlie and those Oompa Loompas were just too dang cute

Plaid Tidings because they were all dead and they asked me what year it was

Etcetera

I cry really hard before closing night in the green room as well

However to counteract that I have spent multiple nights awake for long periods of time just laying

Staring at the top bunk letting numbness and silence seep into me

Not crying, not speaking, not even really thinking

Just counting my breaths and how many times I’ve caught myself chewing on my inner lip

Asking myself questions like how long have I been clenching my teeth and why does my jaw feel so tight

Much like tonight

[the-wonderland-jinx]

STUDY    :   JINX

—    BASICS.

▸     IS    YOUR    MUSE    TALL    /    SHORT    /    AVERAGE?  Short; 5′0″ to be exact.  ▸      ARE    THEY    OKAY    WITH    THEIR    HEIGHT? Indifferent.  ▸      WHAT’S    THEIR    HAIR    LIKE? It varies. Naturally, her hair is long, waves of a crimson sort of color; however, she cuts and, or dyes it every time she moves to a new city. Most commonly, her hair tends to be dyed either a red-ish, pink color or brown; very rarely will she allow it to be its natural red. Length tends to be either to the shoulder or to mid-back.  ▸     DO    THEY    SPEND    A    LOT    OF    TIME    ON    THEIR    HAIR     /    GROOMING? Not particularly. When it comes to cutting and, or dying her hair, she tends to take her time to make sure it’s done properly; this includes putting a good amount of conditioner in her hair to keep it from getting brittle. However, on a day to day, she’ll just quickly run a brush through it and that’s if she remembers! If she’s dealing with cases, she tends to forget to care for herself. Though it is worth noting that her hair HAS to be soft; when it gets brittle, it makes her head hurt and just generally irks her, so really it all just depends, I guess.  ▸      DOES   YOUR   MUSE   CARE   ABOUT   THEIR   APPEARANCE   /   WHAT    OTHERS    THINK? Yes and no. She has to care, up to a certain extent, because she has to ensure she’s not recognizable to enemies, but also needs to be able to blend in on a certain level; play innocent. Though, if we’re speaking simply on looks alone, she really doesn’t care about appealing to anyone. You could insult her looks and she’ll just give you a look like ‘and I care, why?’ 

—    PREFERENCES.

▸      INDOORS    OR    OUTDOORS?    It varies.  ▸      RAIN    OR    SUNSHINE?    Rain. ▸     FOREST    OR    BEACH?     Forest. ▸      PRECIOUS    METALS    OR    GEMS?    Gems. ▸     FLOWERS    OR    PERFUMES?    Flowers. ▸     PERSONALITY    OR    APPEARANCE?      Personality. ▸     BEING    ALONE    OR    BEING    IN    A    CROWD?    Being Alone. ▸     ORDER    OR    ANARCHY?     It varies. ▸     PAINFUL    TRUTHS    OR    WHITE    LIES?     It depends on the person, context, what she needs to accomplish, etc.; though if she’s on the receiving end? She prefers the truth, no matter how harsh it might be.  ▸     SCIENCE    OR    MAGIC?     Well, science is the known, the one she’s most familiar with, but if there’s a chance, even just a little one of learning real magic, of using real magic? Yeah, magic will win every time; it’s far too interesting not to.  ▸      PEACE    OR    CONFLICT?     If you asked, she’d probably say peace; not for herself, but for those she’s fighting to protect. Children. However, in her case, she’s never actually known peace and quite frankly, probably wouldn’t know what to do with it even if she got it. 

▸     NIGHT    OR    DAY?     Night.

▸     DUSK    OR    DAWN?     Dusk.

▸   WARMTH    OR    COLD?   Warmth.

▸     MANY   ACQUAINTANCES    OR    A    FEW    CLOSE    FRIENDS?    Few.

▸     READING    OR    PLAYING    A    GAME?     Reading.

—    QUESTIONNAIRE.

▸      WHAT    ARE    SOME    OF    YOUR    MUSE’S    BAD    HABITS? Oh boy, where do we start? Jinx has a laundry list of bad habits, but the first thing you need to be aware of is her serious lack in the self-preservation department. She fights to survive, yes; she won’t simply stand there and allow you to kill her, but only, only to complete her goal. You should also keep in mind, that she doesn’t intend to survive the ending either... This, however, does not stop her from putting herself into dangerous situations on a day to day basis. The quote ‘curiosity killed the cat’ very much applies to her. This includes, but is not limited to, going into places classified as haunted, taking the hands-on approach to dangerous cases, and very simply, speaking her mind, being blunt, when she thinks someones being an idiot. Oh, and it doesn’t stop there. If no one’s around to remind her, she’ll forget to eat and do even the most basic of care for herself and to top it all off, due to night terrors plaguing her, she downright refuses sleep until her body can’t handle it and she just passes out.  ▸      HAS    YOUR    MUSE    LOST    ANYONE    CLOSE    TO    THEM?      HOW    HAS    IT    AFFECTED    THEM? Yes. Note: suicide and child death mentions. Jinx will downright refuse to talk about it 99.99% of the time, but the first loss was her brother, though she’ll find out later on that he survived, she lost him when she was six. Her “parents” and brother left one day and never came back; leading her to assume they had killed him and took off. It was only many years later that their bodies were discovered, and she’d learned that it had actually been the other way around.  The next was when she was around 14, her best friends, two boys that lived in the orphanage with her, the only ones she’d grown close to, died. The first committing suicide, followed by the other breaking and going on a murder spree, ending with an attempt on his own life via fire and later on that year dying in prison.  The last and most heartbreaking, at 18, she gives birth to a daughter, Annabelle. She is only allowed to hold her for a moment before the infant was killed right before her eyes by the child’s own father.  More people have died, a lot more, but these are the ones she was closest to and without a doubt the most important. These deaths have made it extremely difficult for Jinx to open herself up to others. She keeps a distance, not only for their safety but hers. She doesn’t trust much, if at all. The only exception to this rule is children. Jinx felt a strong need to protect kids even before having had one of her own, but now? It’s been amplified a hundred times over. A good majority of her resources go to protecting children and she will never stand back and watch one be harmed; she can’t.  ▸      WHAT    ARE    SOME    FOND    MEMORIES    YOUR    MUSE    HAS? The fondest memory she has is of her and her brother, Daniel. It was Halloween and, he saw how excited all the other children were, but his sister remained bored, sad. She was the only child he knew that hated the holidays, but given their home situation, it made sense. Still, he just wasn’t having it. He wanted to give her, at least, one day, one holiday that she could remember fondly and get excited for, so every year, they’d spend Halloween night in the woods. They’d stay up all night and just laugh and play, being silly until the legs gave out then they’d just lay there and watch the stars together until they fell asleep. Sure, she has other memories, but... this is one of the few that has yet to be tainted for her.  ▸     IS    IT    EASY    FOR    YOUR    MUSE    TO    KILL? Yes. After Annabelle’s death, Jinx lost it. She couldn’t handle it, losing her daughter like that and thus, killing for her, is now as simple as breathing. Though she doesn’t do so without cause.  ▸      WHAT’S    IT    LIKE    WHEN    YOUR    MUSE    BREAKS    DOWN? It depends on the breakdown. There will be times when she keeps a monotonous face, void, and kills whoever it is that caused such emotion and there will be times when she just can’t stop crying. Sometimes she’ll even attempt to drink the feelings away; sometimes all three. It all just depends, but one thing is certain, if it can be helped, she’ll do her damnest to make sure it’s not in front of anyone or at the very least, anyone she cares about. Jinx grew up learning that emotions are weakness, and while does she doesn’t completely agree now, she still prefers to keep her breakdowns private. Plus, as mentioned, being around her during a breakdown isn’t always the safest place to be.  ▸      IS    YOUR    MUSE    CAPABLE    OF    TRUSTING    SOMEONE    WITH    THEIR    LIFE? With her life? Ermm, that’s complicated. She’s capable, sure, but... it’s very rare that she would trust someone, at all, nevermind that much. Quite frankly, I’m not sure she knows how to trust someone that much. Capable? Sure. Likely? No, not really.  ▸      WHAT’S    YOUR    MUSE    LIKE    WHEN    THEY’RE    IN    LOVE? A damn mess, that’s what she is. Again, Jinx doesn’t do emotions. She’s not fond of them AT ALL and she never properly developed an understanding of social cues and relationships? Those are so much worse. If we’re being completely honest here, getting attached to someone in this way makes her extremely uncomfortable and confused; it might take a bit for her to sort things out. Her actions will likely show how she feels before she is able to put them into words. She’ll relax visibly, allow more of her personality to show, real genuine emotions, and maybe, just maybe, allow herself to get comfortable enough to get some damn sleep. It takes A LOT to get Jinx to this point, but when she cares, when she loves, she does so, deeply. She won’t be so inclined to keep secrets, and loving someone, actually forces her to take pause, and rethink how her goals will end. When she’s in love, she wants to do more than just survive with them; she wants to live and heaven help anyone that dares get in the way. 

Tagged by: @thelordofshadows​ Tagging: my brain is dead, so if you’re reading this, you’re tagged!