#i genuinely dont know if thisll go anywhere or ever get posted. I've never actually written a fic before

[journal-three]

I've accidentally wrote 2 pages of a tau/helluva boss fic

[saffricatrice]

this is highly different from the usual posts i make, but im only posting this because i don;t have. anywhere else to really say it normally and in a way that doesnt seem like im purposely making the people around me discomforted. regular posting will go back after this, but for this vent post specifically tw for: mentions of (almost) sucide attempts and suicidal thoughts

i almost attempted quite a few nights ago. almost. i had the knife in my hand but pussied out last second. i'm glad i did. i thoguht the worst period of my life was roughyl around 13 to 15 or so, but even though i did have suicidal thoughts then and hid it all up with whimsy, i never got this close to an attempt. i don't know why i tried this, i don't want to die, i want to live and be happy and i am still trying to be happy and hopeful despite all of this, i am trying to be optimistic but i suppose despite my current belief (or something im trying to turn into a genuine belief) that my life is worth something, i guess i am just havig Quite The Year right now.

i want to live, you know, and i will live, im sure of that, i guess that one moment was a odd one off thing, if that makes sense. i know i will make it through whatever im going through, and i have a strong reason to keep on living --- it's for the people that i love, mainly, my friends. i don't want them to ever have to miss me, or to ever stay awake in bed during late night crying about my suicide. i want to die of old age, i want to be there for the people i love, my life really is just other people and honestly, i think any reason to live is a good reason to live, as long as it makes you happy and improtantly alive.

i am the most loved ive ever been in my current friendgroup (but i don't think they deserve to hear me vent about uncomfortable topics nor would they want to me which is understandable), i think, but "home" has been horrible. i don't know what to do with myself, everytime im out i dread going home, i don't think i've ever past a day without crying at least once, or getting irrationally angry at something minor. and things have happened in the past also affected the way i think, you know. sometimes i don't believe the love my friends have for me, even though i also at the same time i know its true. i know i deserve to be loved and i will do anything to be loved and in turn i love all my friends like they're my entire world, but it feels like my brain is at war with itself, one side being stupid irrational thoughts and actual logic. i often have breakdowns about "not being anyones best friend", and whenever i vent about this to a friend of mine, theyre always like "ur my best friend!!" and i want to believe them so badly and i kind of DO but i also don't, some annoying part of me just thinks theyre just... saying that. i suppose. its kind of silly to believe i was born a person, sometimes i feel like a vortex, always hungry for love, craving more than what im given. this is such a long paragraph already but i havent even describe the extent of my emotionality, which tbh i rather would not do. i already said too much anywyas. but also little enough taht i just sound like a whiny little bitch, tbh.

i dont know why i said so much, i think it was another attempt to make the few people that read this not worry much about me trying to attempt suicide again. but yeah, i was having a Time. god this barely makes sense lol. thanks for anyone who read tho no ones obligated to respond or interact. i got over it, it was a few days ago anyways. jus had to say it somewhere without making thigns in the friendgroup feel uncomforyable.

sometimes i wish i didnt live but im so fucking glad i did

sorry for this post you lot, promise thisll be the only one. love you guys even if i barely know u. i dont mean to sound like an attention seeker, i just need to say it somewhere, i guess. god i sound so stipid lmfao