#i genuinely and wholeheartedly believe that my mental health wouldn’t be nearly this bad if i was a societally accebtable size

[cowlovely]

augh.

[misssthiccums-blog]

"all I could ask for this Christmas is to have you as my best friend forever"

You wanna know what really fucking sucks? Having someone you care about so fucking much and wanting them to be a part of your life forever but then your anxiety just fucks it up and won't allow you to be happy or even content.

Anxiety is a fucking cunt.

My best friend is that person for me. He's the person I want to live with and have pets with. He's the one I wanna have sex in public places and try not to get caught with. He's the one I wanna scream at spawns to get off our lawn with when we're old and crotchety. He's the one I want to be in my life forever.

My best friend is a fucking Godsend. He's what I've prayed for for so long. He's the most amazing human being. He's intelligent and kind and so witty and fucking attractive and he's sweet. He has so much potential to do so many things and I really wish he could see it. He's like apple juice in a world of prune juice. He makes me so proud to have him be in my life and I can't imagine being without him as my best friend. I'm constantly praying that he's safe and wondering how his day is going. When I talk to literally anyone, I always bring him up in conversation because I love to brag about him. He is just so good.

He's too good. For me.

My anxiety has made our friendship become so rocky, especially just within the last couple of weeks. I've done things and said things I regret wholeheartedly and I just really fucking hate myself at this point.

My best friend recently reconnected with someone he had a very special bond with in the past and because of their history, I've just been left with so much fear and anxiety to the point I started hurting myself. I'm terrified he's gonna leave me for her and abandon me like everyone else has. He has told me and promised me numerous times that that isn't going to happen and I want to believe him so badly, but my anxiety won't let me fucking do it. I know that it isn't fair to assume he's going to do to me what others have but it's nearly impossible for me to disassociate from the past. I also know it's not healthy for me to be self-destructive but I don't know how else to handle my fear. My best friend told me that I should've just talked to him about it instead of cutting, but we've talked about it before and it didn't quiet my anxiety.

I told him yesterday that I felt like I needed to leave because none of this was good for my anxiety or mental health. I failed to add that I was hoping he'd be happier without me. I told him that I could never ask him to stop talking to his good friend but that I couldn't be around because my anxiety was killing me. We talked for like an hour and I decided to stay because he said it wouldn't be good for him if I left. I never wanted to make things bad for him. I really just want him to be happy and be able to experience things and have amazing opportunities but I feel like I get in the way of that.

I don't want to leave him. I need him so fucking badly. I rely on him so much. He's helped me with so much shit. He makes me happy when my anxiety isn't being a bitch.

I would do anything in my power to make him happy. He's sacrificed so much for me and now it's my turn: I told him that I'm gonna give him some space and that I'll be on standby whenever he decides to come back to me. If he decides to come back. All I can do is have faith he'll want to return but I hope that if he doesn't, he'll be able to be genuinely happy.