#i gave up on doing the final row with the white a while ago lmao so i still have to do that

[typheus]

i finished the final color of the granny squares

[obsessedelusional]

What the f*** are you looking at?

parings ✦ Eddie Munson x You/Reader

summary ✦ As a fellow social reject you sat at the same lunch table as the Hell Fire club. You didn’t mind, forming a crush on their leader Munson. What happens when one day he catches you starting?

authors note ✦ Okay this is tmi but my freshman year of high school I had a fat ass crush on this boy he was the class clown always doing the most one day I turn around as he’s being loud and he says “What’re you looking at?” And then continues to tell his friends I’m always staring at him. Literally so traumatizing LMAO turned it a cute lil fluff piece about Eddie. Obviously my life didn’t end out like this lol

FEEDBACK AND REBLOGS APPRECIATED!!!

The first three years of high school were all the same. You spent everyday alone, your face tucked away in a book. Sometimes you’d wonder what it would be like to be a little reckless. Maybe even do something kind of stupid. Pretend for once that you didn’t give a fuck. Truth was you gave too many fucks. Constant state of worry and anxiety. It was much easier to be invisible. Doing everything in your power to be as unseen as possible.

Which is exactly why you admired Eddie Munson. He gave off the most I don’t give a fuck energy you had ever seen. You were insanely jealous that he is so effortlessly him self. Something you struggled with as long as you can remember.

Eddie was so attractive in your eyes. Most of the books you read were romance, the main man a stereotypical bad boy. You always imagined Eddie when reading the many stories. Forming a giant crush on him years ago.

One perk of being a social reject was having no choice but to sit at the same table as him. Getting a front row seat to his shenanigans. The Hell Fire Club took up half of the table while the rest of the school losers sat at the other end. Sometimes you would wonder why you few didn’t just befriend each other. No one ever brave enough to be the first person to introduce themselves.

Today was no different, you were sat the lunch table reading as a way to pass the time and hopefully stop anyone from talking to you. The large thud at the other end of the table has you looking up from the pages in front of you. You look to see Eddie putting on his usual theatrics.

“Fuck this school.” His voice spreading across the lunch room. Most people so used it they don’t bother looking his way. You on the other hand look for any excuse to stare at Eddie. Jason makes a snarky comment which only fuels Eddie’s fire.

“And fuck you too!” He flips Jason off before finally taking a seat. You can’t help but feel for him something must be truly bothering him. That quickly changes when his head snaps upwards his eyes move directly at you.

“What the fuck are you looking at?” He spits talking to you. Your eyes go wide, entirely in shock. Never once had you actually interacted with Eddie. Always wanting to, would even imagine how it would go down. Not like this.

“Dude what the fuck?” Jeff says to Eddie.

“What? She’s always fucking staring.” Eddie says, venom in his voice. Tears begin to brim your eyelids so you stand up, wasting no time to leave. You can hear the rest of the group telling him that was dick move.

You make your way to the nearly empty library. Where’d you spend the rest of lunch. After today you’d probably spend every lunch till you graduated in the library. Promising yourself you’ll never look at Eddie again.

—

It’s been over a week since the incident. You hadn’t seen Eddie since. Which was easy enough considering most of your classes were AP and he wasn’t in any of those. You ended up enjoying spending lunch in the library. It was quiet enough that there were little to no interruptions as you read.

The school day comes to an end. Your walking to your car, eyes on the floor. In an attempt to avoid all your classmates. That’s until you come to a screeching halt, someone’s blocking the door to your car. While you can only see their tattered white sneakers you recognize them immediately. It’s Eddie.

“I wanted to apologize.” His voice softer than his usual tone. You ignore him reaching for the door handle, he moves in the way blocking your hand.

“I’m so sorry.” He says while you continue to refuse to look at him.

“I was having a shitty day. Mrs. Davis was telling me off for falling behind in class. As I was leaving her classroom the principal calls me to the office, blaming me for the graffiti that appeared in the gym. Which wasn’t me by the way, if I was capable of that everyone would know it was me. Didn’t matter I got in trouble for it, two weeks of after school detention.” He keeps on rambling on and on about that events that happened before he snapped at you.

“Then Jason was being an asshole. I was so irritated and when I saw you looking at me I took it out on you. I became the asshole. I feel terrible.” He says, you can’t help but feel like he’s being genuine.

“It’s whatever. Can I get in my car now?” You say, your voice timid as usual.

“Please let me make it up to you.” He pleads. It takes all your will power to not look up at those big beautiful brown eyes.

“Don’t worry about it.” You say reaching around him but he blocks you yet again.

“Please I miss catching the pretty book worm staring at me.” As the words come out of his mouth you can’t help but internally freak the fuck out. Is what he’s saying true? You can’t bring yourself to respond, too entirely overwhelmed by the situation.

“Look at me please.” His hand reaches for your chin in attempt to raise your face. You push it away, Eddie retracts his hand surprised by your reaction.

“Why won’t you look at me?” You’re focused on his hands, his fingers playing with the tear in his jeans.

“Cause I’m always fucking staring.” You are surprised by the words that come out.

“I’m serious when I say I miss it. Let me make it up to you. I want to take you out on a date.” You can sense the smile on his face, still refusing to make eye contact with him. Wishing nothing more than to escape this situation.

“This feels like a trap.” You respond.

“What?”

“If I say yes it’s gonna be a prank or something. The second I say yes you’re gonna start laughing as if the idea of anyone going out with me is ridiculous.”

“Do you really think that of me?” He asks, his tone sounds upset now.

“A week ago, no. Today? Maybe.”

“I don’t think the idea of anyone going out with you is ridiculous. I noticed years ago your constant gaze. I never minded. If anything I started going out of my way to get your eyes on me. Always making a fool of myself so I can see your smile when you finally get your head out of whatever book your reading.”

“Then why did you say what you said?” You ask.

“Because this time the reason you were looking my way was because I was throwing a tantrum. Like a giant toddler. I was embarrassed. You looked concerned while ever looked disgusted by the freak lashing out.” He sighs, you so desperately wishing you could muster up the courage to look up at Eddie.

“So I lashed out on you. I regretted it immediately. I swear.” Eddie explains.

“I forgive you.”

“You do?” His voice perks up.

“Does that mean you’ll let me make it up to you?”

“Maybe.” You smile, still focusing on his hands.

“Look at me, please.” He’s basically begging at this point. When you hesitate, he reaches for your chin. Only this time you don’t stop him. You’re face to face with Eddie now. So close to him, closer than you ever been.

“Do you believe me yet that this isn’t some elaborate joke on you?” Your lost deep in his eyes, unable to to process what’s happening. When you don’t respond he closes his eyes, moving closer to you. He’s about to kiss you, your first kiss. Unsure of what to do you close your eyes too. He plants a sweet short kiss on your lips before pulling away. Your eyes still closed when he pulls away.

“Believe me now?” You nod yes unable to form any words, eyes closed. He slips a piece of paper in your back pocket, the pocket that rests on your butt.

“It’s my number. Call me tonight?” Eddie asks.

“Okay.” You smile opening your eyes, Eddie’s lets out a small laugh before leaving you alone to process what just happened.

“What the fuck?” You whisper to yourself. You reach in your pocket half expecting it to be blank or for it say that you’ve been pranked. Like this really was some elaborate joke on you.

It doesn’t say that. It is his number and his name with a little heart. It reads ‘sorry I was an asshole i promise to make it up to you’.

You smile thinking maybe it’s your turn to do something a lil reckless.

[tataswish]

❝   at the rooftop  /  myg.

━   ・  paring:  aspiring rapper!min yoongi x reader. ━   ・ genre:  neighbors au, smut, fluff, with a pinch of angst. ━   ・ word count:  5.0k.   ━   ・  contains:  mutual pining, dirty talk, unprotective sex (wrap it before you tap it!), rooftop sex, and a little bit of sadness at the end. ━   ・  summary:  in which you look back at the memories you’ve made with yoongi, the neighbor who you once fell in love with. heavily inspired by the song ‘the one that got away.’

author’s note:  i had a dream about this so... here it is. LMAO. it’s been i while since i last wrote so excuse my rambling but happy reading! i thought about making a mini series out of this but... we’ll see. <3

The day you first met Min Yoongi was a memory you always looked fondly back at.

It happened one gloomy afternoon. After another tiresome day at work, you decided to find solace on your apartment building’s rooftop—a place that easily became your go-to whenever you wanted to spend time in solitude. No one ever really was up there (with the exception of the parties thrown by residents from time to time), so it was always strange seeing someone else who wasn’t you up there.

There was something about that place that brings you so much comfort. Maybe it was the string lights that hang perfectly across the ledges, the mixture of house plants displayed around the area, or the inviting smell of vanilla greeting your nose from the candles on almost every surface—it was nice. If the chance presented itself, you would be there for hours on end doing nothing and be content with it.

Making your way towards the rattan sofa that sat right beside the ledge, your tracks were suddenly put to a stop upon seeing an unfamiliar face sitting at that very same spot. He was leaning back on one side of  the off-white cushion, legs slightly spread apart, chilled bottle of beer in hand as his eyes gaze absentmindedly at the view of the city skyline beside him. He must’ve been so lost in thought, because even with you standing in front of him, he didn’t move.

“Is that seat taken?” you asked amidst the silence while feigning a warm smile.

That was enough for him to finally snap out of his trance, because you could see him jump from his spot and immediately straighten his posture. You couldn’t help but stifle a soft laugh. “No—no, yeah, no. It’s not. I was getting ready to leave anyway, so—” he was already beginning to stand from where he was sitting, obviously flustered at the situation he’s been put in.

“I don’t mind sharing!” you interjected before impulsively placing a hand on the stranger’s arm as some sort of reassurance. At the realization, your eyes began to grow two times its size, and you retracted it at an instant with your cheeks flushed.

It was silent for a moment. Between you trying to gage how he felt about the sudden contact and him wondering what the fuck just happened, it clearly triggered some sort of fight of flight response. Your mind was scrambling, trying to find the right thing to say, but before you could even open your mouth—

He laughed. It was a low, yet bubbly laugh—one that you never thought would eventually fall in love with. As the lights above perfectly illuminated his features, that moment was also the first time you saw him smile. There was something stirring up within you, a feeling that gave you so much warmth from merely watching this stranger express happiness, even if it was for a brief moment.

In fact, it was so contagious that you began to laugh too.

You didn’t think you’d enjoy being comfortable with silence until you met Yoongi. Despite the fact that you spent a majority of that evening sitting in silence, it didn’t bother you at all. In most instances with others, you almost always felt obligated to say something, anything after a while but you didn’t feel that pressure with him—this stranger that you’ve only met three hours ago.

Still, you basked in the moment. The two of you sat together on that large couch, sharing the view. You were sitting with your legs criss-crossed, both arms resting over them, while Yoongi relaxed by sinking deeper into the cushion, one arm resting on the couch’s back—which was also right behind yours. You immediately learned that he, unlike yourself, wasn’t much of a talker. In the few hours you’ve spent with him on the rooftop, you’ve only learned: his name, age, and the fact that he moved into this building just today. Why? That was a mystery you’ve yet to discover. You also didn’t want to be that person who practically interrogates the new guy, trying to discover his whole life story in the span of one night. If he was living in the same building, you were confident you’d see him around from time to time anyway. Besides, it was evident that the two of you were already comfortable with each other’s presence.

“What kind of music do you listen to?” The question took you by surprise. From staring at the skyline, he then glanced back at you, eyebrow slightly cocked.

It took you a minute to think of something. If Yoongi was the type of person who took people’s music tastes seriously, you wanted to make sure you’d give a solid response—but then again, you wanted to avoid an obvious copout answer either. Truth be told, your music taste was all over the place. Shuffling any of your Spotify playlists was a dangerous game, because it could jump from contrasting genres that wouldn’t make any sense.

So you kind of… panicked.

“I like anything,” you blurted out, already regretting your choice of words. Deep inside, you were cringing, because it left a bad taste in your mouth.

You knew he was going to be disapproving of that answer, but he surprised you with a different reaction instead. Instead, he let out a small chuckle. “Anything, huh? What about rap? I have something I want you to listen to.”

Intrigued, you adjusted your position on the couch, eyes watching him as he shuffled to get his phone out of his pocket. The black, chunky headphones that hugged his neck were then offered to you, and you flashed a small grin upon taking it before putting it on yourself. At this point you were curious. So, your prying set of eyes continued to watch his phone’s screen as he scrolled through a list of what seemed to be recordings until selecting a file that was named Trivia 轉: Seesaw.

You weren’t sure what to expect. Initially, you thought this was some random song recommendation that he wanted to share with you, but it was much more than that. The moment you heard the artist of this track begin to sing the first verse, you were left in shock. “Is this you?” you mouthed quietly over to him, who to your surprise, was now sitting incredibly close to you. It took you a minute to notice the way that your knees were pressed against one another, faces inches apart.

He smiled bashfully with a nod. Truth be told, you didn’t expect it. Yet, you were sitting there, head nodding to the beat as the melody graced your ears. Despite only knowing him for only three hours, you knew that there was something about this song that… suited him so well. You weren’t sure if it was the eloquent rapping or the deep lyrics behind it, it all screamed Yoongi.

And you were in love with it. It became one of your favorite things to listen to.

“I can’t believe…” you trailed off once the song finished, gently lifting the headphones off of you to give them back. “I went on with my life without being blessed by this song until now. Yoongi, that was fucking amazing. If I knew you longer, I would’ve started crying but… I spared you the misery tonight.”

He rolled his eyes with a smile, flattered—but feeling shy at the same time. “Relax, ____, you don’t have to kiss my ass. I can take criticism. It hasn’t even been released yet; I just wanted to get your opinion on it.” Chewing on the inside of his cheek, he looked at you expectantly. “Tell me the truth.”

“I’m serious, Yoongi. I swear on my life,” you assured softly, a smile growing across your lips as your hand raises to swear by it. “It’s definitely one of those songs that people are going to play on repeat. Everyone’s going to love it.”

“Yeah?” he asked, attempting to hide his widening grin.

At this point your gazes were locked with one another, and you could’ve sworn he could hear the rampant beating of your heart. “Yeah,” you confidently answered back.

Later that night was the time you discovered that Min Yoongi was actually your newfound neighbor. It all happened by accident—the two of you meant to part ways after leaving the rooftop, but ended up taking the same flight of stairs down, walking through the same hallway, and stopping right next to each other after saying “bye” at the same time upon reaching both of your doors.

“Stalking me already? Really?” you quipped playfully, looking back after opening your door.

“How do I know you’re not stalking me first?” he joked in return, suggestively raising an eyebrow. He finished unlocking his own door too.

“I mean, I lived here first, so… pack it up Joe from You.” And your answer was enough for the two of you to fall into a giggling fit after.

Yoongi was the first to say goodbye. He continued to stand before his door, hand on the knob despite not wanting to step inside any time soon. “Thanks for letting me crash your alone time today... and for listening to my shitty music. It was nice.”

“Of course,” you replied warmly. “I won’t argue with you, but know that as of today, I’ve become Suga’s #1 fan. Expect me to be in the front row of your shows from now on.”

Even with the roll of his eyes, you could clearly tell that he was amused. “Night, _____. Just don’t fall in love with me, alright? I don’t date fans.”

“Sweet dreams, neighbor. And don’t worry, I don’t plan on falling in love with you any time soon.”

Yet somewhere along the way, you found yourself falling in love.

He’d been your neighbor for a few months now, and the two of you practically became attached to the hip. You later learned that when he first moved into the city, he didn’t expect to make any sort of friends. Yoongi only planned on making music 24/7—hoping to kickstart his music career after some time. Apparently, before he moved into your building, he was working in some financial firm crunching numbers for eight hours straight. He was engaged too. But, when he revealed to his fiancée (now ex fiancée) that he wanted to quit his job and pursue music… she didn’t take it very well. So, they later separated and Yoongi searched for a new beginning in a city miles away from everything he once knew.

Unlike his ex, you strove to become extremely supportive of his music career. In fact, he was supportive of your teaching career too. On Wednesday mornings, he would always volunteer to come into your classroom and sing a few songs in front of your kindergarten students during circle time. He’d also stay to read a book or two before heading out to get lunch—only to wait for your break so that the two of you could eat together. Then on Friday nights, you would be standing front row in his shows. While his venues were mostly at nightclubs and the city nightlife wasn’t your thing, you were still there—singing along to his music and at times making the best attempt to rap as fast as he could. You’d wait for him by the back after his set, and it became a tradition to head to the nearest convenience store to fill up on ramen, alcohol, and shrimp chips (a staple for every night in).

It was hard not to fall for someone like Yoongi. There was just something about him that you absolutely adored, and even though you were sure he didn’t reciprocate those feelings in that way, you were okay with that. Having him be a part of your life was enough.

The two of you always joked about it though, how you were each other’s soulmates. How one would always complete the other; plus, sharing this sort of mutual understanding that doesn’t need to be talked about. You’ve never felt this strong pull with anyone else, and he’s admitted it too.

“There she is,” you heard the familiar voice coo from afar. Looking up from your phone, you spotted Yoongi leaving through the back door of the nightclub, approaching as if you were the one who just finished performing a show. Still, the grin on your lips couldn’t stop spreading at the sight of him.

“Oh my god, Suga! I’m like, your biggest fan! Can I get a picture?!” you shrieked, attempting to put on your best impression of the teenage girls who’ve been approaching him often lately. Even with all of his shows taking place in venues that only allowed people over the age of twenty, he still harbored a lot of young fans. While they weren’t allowed to watch his shows, they showed their support in other ways.

He rolled his eyes but attained the beaming smile swept across his lips. In all the time you’ve known him, you’ve discovered that Yoongi was never really one to crack a smile with others. But with you? You were the only exception to that.

His skin was glistening from the beads of sweat that trickled down after performing, and you took it upon yourself to gingerly sweep his coffee-colored bangs off of his face with your fingers. He was staring at you at this point, and you were desperately trying to keep it together without melting into putty in his hands. Because one thing’s for sure—the way he looks at you will always be your weakness. “What?” you challenged, now using a tissue you pulled from your bag to lightly dab his facial features. Your voice was faint, quiet enough to still be heard with your faces only inches apart.

“Nothing,” he replied lowly, stifling a small laugh. “I like looking at you.”

After another successful trip to the convenience store, you and Yoongi went back home to change into more comfortable clothes before meeting back up at the rooftop. It was nearing midnight, so the city was getting ready to turn in. The buildings gradually began to turn their lights off, which only made the stars littered across the night sky shine brighter than before. The rooftop was well-lit thanks to the string lights and candles around you, and even with the cool December breeze sweeping through, you were comfy underneath the plush blanket that wrapped around both of your bodies.

It was nights like this that you held special to your heart.

“Be honest with me,” Yoongi brought up amidst the comfortable silence. He placed the plastic bowl that held his ramen onto the coffee table in front of him before looking back at you. “Do you think I made a mistake? You know… leaving everything in my old life behind to do this? I mean—don’t get me wrong, I love it, I just… feel guilty. There’s always this voice in the back of my head that’s yelling at me for being selfish. My life was fine before, you know? I screwed it all up.”

You blinked slowly. It wasn’t the first time he’d shared his doubts with you, but it was always concerning how much it lingered in his head. At the end of the day, what’s done is done. No matter how many times he feels guilty, he shouldn’t look back anymore. This was his life now.

But how could you put it into words that’ll make him understand?

Finishing your food after setting your own bowl down, you took a moment to process everything and think of an answer. You knew very well that you weren’t some licensed therapist capable of giving credited advice, but you were fairly decent at providing comfort to others. “I don’t think so,” you finally replied, keeping your gaze on him steady. “You have to think about it this way, Yoongi. Yeah you were fine before, but… were you happy? Like, actually happy? And are you happy now?”

Those questions left Yoongi speechless. He really took the time to ponder on it, chewing on his bottom lip in thought. You tried to read his expressions, though, it wasn’t any help. It was quiet. Aside from the soft music playing in the background from the small bluetooth speaker that sat on the ledge, the silence that simmered between you two was piercing.

“I guess I wasn’t,” he breathed after a short sigh. “I was miserable.”

You felt his pain at that moment. There was something about the way he said it—how it made your heart wrench and your stomach churn. “I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s okay, it’s not your fault,” he waved it off, and you could sense the slight frustration in his tone. “If anything, meeting you made everything better.”

Biting back a smile, you instantly began to feel the heat rush through your cheeks. Your chest was pounding and your head was dizzy—shocked at how those little words could make your head go haywire. Still, you did your very best in keeping it collected. “Yeah?” you asked, sounding hopeful. Your glistening eyes met his, shifting your body a bit to fully face his.

“Yeah,” he reassured, unable to keep his smile any longer.

That very night was the night Yoongi decided to be bold. He brought a hand up to tuck a strand of hair behind ear, only to lessen the distance between both of your faces. Even with your head spinning, you were still able to admire his soft features—the way his eyes literally sparkled when they looked at you, the way his rosy cheeks from the alcohol became more prominent. “You make me so fucking happy, ____. I thought you were just going to be another face I’d see from time to time when we met that night, but… you became more than that. I think I’m in love with you.”

And at that moment, it felt like time had stopped between you two. That nothing else mattered in the world aside from the fact that Min Yoongi—the neighbor you fell in love with—felt the same way.

“Be honest with me,” you decided to match his boldness by using a free hand to gently sweep his bangs off of his face. They were trembling a little, but he didn’t seem to notice. His eyes kept its focus on you and you only, feigning that same look that always makes you crumble.

He nodded, egging you to continue.

“Would you kiss me right now if I asked?”

Your lips were immediately met by his. It was sweet, and you could taste the hint of ramen broth and beer that lingered. The way his lips felt matched the way that he kissed you—soft, and tender. His hands found their way on your hips beneath the blanket your bodies shared, while yours rested perfectly on both sides of his jaw. With chests pressed against one another, you noticed that his heart was pounding too. And that only made you smile in between kisses.

At this point, neither one of you wanted to pull apart. Instead, your lips were roughly colliding in full-force, the intensity of the kiss amplifying. Yoongi’s hand began to trail down further until his fingers reached the inside of your thigh. Your breath hitched at his touch, desperately wanting him to explore further. But he chose to stop. “Yoongi,” you said his name in an unintentional soft whine after pulling away, practically begging for more friction.

Rational thinking was thrown out of the window tonight. You were riding from the high of Yoongi practically confessing his love for you, and all you wanted to do was have him. All of him.

“Hm?” he let out a quiet hum, fingers dancing closer and closer. His lips continued to wander across your skin, peppering kisses all over your neck and down to your exposed collar bones.

“Touch me,” you whispered into his ear. “Please.”

He didn’t waste another moment. He reached over to slide your pajama pants down in one quick pull and you assisted in kicking them out of the way. It gave him leeway to use the pads of his fingers to gently massage your clothed core, pressing just enough to provide pressure that had your lips leaving quiet moans that were thankfully, still masked by the music in the background. “Take this off and spread your legs for me,” he demanded lowly.

You’ve never seen this side of him before—but god he knew how to turn you on. If the blanket wasn’t over you right now, you would’ve felt exposed from the wetness pooling in between your thighs. But you did as you were told without any hesitation, sliding your panties down until they hugged your ankles, kicking them off entirely, leaving your bottom half bare beneath the warm fabric.

Yoongi took it as a cue to slide his fingers between your legs and prying them apart. You’ve never felt more vulnerable than at this moment. Even with the blanket hovered securely over your body, the way his gaze was on you was more than enough to make you feel like he owned you tonight. And you were okay with that. Slender fingers dipping into your dripping core, he used it as a way to collect the overflown juices before using it as a lubricant to massage your throbbing clit. His pace was agonizingly slow, but it still made your back arch off of the couch in pleasure.

The sight only made him mumble profanities under his breath.

“Do you think about me when you touch yourself, ____?” he asked, dark eyes still locked on yours. He was still close, and you could feel his hot breath tickle your skin at each word. Slowly inserting two fingers on the get-go, your eyes impulsively roll back at the way they stretched your walls in the best possible way. His pace soon began to quicken without a fair warning, and you couldn’t help but whimper each time they pump into your g-spot. “Do you think about me fucking you like this?”

Your headspace was such a euphoric state that you couldn’t even find the right words for an answer. Rather than saying anything, you only nodded feverishly to let him know that he was doing everything right. The thought of having Yoongi’s fingers fucking tirelessly inside you was more than enough to rile you up and near your orgasm.

You’ve thought about it multiple times before. Every time you see him on that stage, swiping the sweat off of the back of his neck that left his fingers glistening, your mind begins to wander into dangerous places. It was hot—there’s no denying it.

You were close. But as soon as you were about to finish, the momentum was put to a stop, because you took it upon yourself to remove his fingers out of you on your own. Confused, Yoongi began to look at you as if he’s done something wrong, though, you hoped he’d get the hint the minute your hand found its way to palm his hardening erection through his sweatpants. “I wanna finish inside you,” you breathed, planting kisses that began from his neck and worked its way up to his lips.

“Then do it.”

Using both of your hands to pull both his sweatpants and boxer briefs down, allowing for his length to spring free. After he successfully kicked them both off of him, you stood from your previous position to straddle him, putting both hands on his shoulders to support yourself. His eyes carefully watched you as you slowly unzipped your hoodie, revealing that you wore nothing underneath.

He was mesmerized. And it was all for him—with the blanket still covering both of your bare bodies, he was the only one who could see you like this. No one else.

A devilish grin laced your lips at the sight of him speechless as you helped remove his sweatshirt. Slowly but surely, you lifted yourself up slightly to line Yoongi’s erection up before sinking in.

The two of you both let out a satisfied moan in unison, and Yoongi’s hands began to wander around your warm body—hands stopping at your ass to dig his fingers into your flesh as you rocked your hips at a steady pace. His mouth on the other hand was busy with your breasts, tongue flicking against each hardened nipple even as they bounced.

“Do you think about me fucking you like this?” you mimicked him in a playful yet sultry tone, using both of your hands to lift his face up in order to make full-on eye contact with you while you continued to ride him. He threw his head back in response, all while still keeping his gaze on yours. From his expression alone, you could tell that he was wrapped around your fingers.

But instead of giving you any sort of real answer, he rolled his eyes and pulled you in for a kiss, satisfying his craving for your lips once more. Before you knew it, your positions had switched, and you were fully lying down on the couch with Yoongi on top of you. The blanket had been partially discarded since Yoongi couldn’t care less about it, only draping over the bottom half of your bodies. You let out a small shiver as you felt the cold air, but it all seemed to disappear the minute you felt his length fill you up once more.

“You’re my weakness, _____,” you heard him say softly once your foreheads touch, his lips brushing against yours. His thrusts were at a slow pace, but it was still enough to hit your g-spot each time. “After meeting you that night, I knew I was fucked.”

It was unfair—how Min Yoongi knew how to tug your heartstrings in any situation (literally). There was nothing more intimate than this, though. The two of you were left vulnerable, and he found the perfect moment to say it. “I feel the same way,” you whispered, hands lifted up to cup his flushed cheeks. “Because I think I’m in love with you too.”

Yoongi began to pick up the pace upon hearing you confess. With one hand gripping tightly on the couch’s arm rest until his knuckles turn white, another snuck in between your bodies to have his thumb rub your clit, matching the intensity of his thrusts.

“Yoongi, I’m so close—” you whined quietly into his ear while he continued to fuck you senselessly, walls fluttering and tightening around him. There was that familiar feeling building up inside you, and you were so close to coming undone. Yoongi continued to snap his hips into yours while tracing quick circles around your sensitive bundle of nerves until you felt yourself let go. Your body jolted as you cried in please, and even then, he didn’t stop. He milked every last drop of the wave of pleasure he’d given you that left you out of breath. There was this buzzing that refused to leave your ears, and your eyes were watery from the overwhelming feeling.

Smirking in satisfaction, each thrust became more sloppy and erratic. It didn’t take long for him to follow suit, pulling out to finish on you. He groaned as you felt his warmth spill across your frame, panting from the intense session the two of you just shared.

“Damn, I made a mess,” he said playfully after reaching out for a napkin on the table to wipe your body clean, which earned a soft slap on his end. He only laughed once you were able to sit back up, leaning in to steal a quick kiss on the lips.

Once the two of you were finished getting dressed and cleaning the area, you both decided to stay on the rooftop for a few more minutes. Both of you were nuzzled against one another for warmth, your back pressed against Yoongi while he had an arm wrapped around you. SUGAR by BROCKHAMPTON was playing in the background, and Yoongi was singing softly to the chorus while you quietly admired his small performance.  

“Remember when you said you wouldn’t fall in love with a fan?” the words left your lips with a smile, recalling the memory like it was only yesterday. At this point, you were just there to tease him. “Tsk. Can’t believe I’m into a hypocrite.”

He laughed, nose digging into your hair. “You’re different. I’d do anything for you.”

↳   PRESENT DAY.

“Ready to go, babe?”

You’ve spent the past hour sitting on the rooftop’s sofa in solitude, admiring the blue sky in front of you. You were quietly humming to Suga’s Trivia 轉: Seesaw to yourself as you watched the view, until you were interrupted by the familiar voice entering your ears. The smile on your face widened as he approached you, offering a hand to help you up.

It’d been months since you’ve last heard from Yoongi. He was off doing bigger, better things—and you were proud of him for that. After spending hours and hours of going back and forth with one another one night, the two of you had the realization that the long-term goals you both had didn’t align. He was asked to commit to a world tour for the next year and a half, and you wanted to stay where your life was. Here.

Yoongi was more than willing to drop his entire career to be with you, but you knew it wasn’t right. So, no matter how painful it felt, you had to let go. He’s made so many sacrifices to get to where he was, and you refused to be the reason why he couldn’t live his dreams. No matter how much you both loved each other.

Deep inside, you’ve always hoped that he’d come home. That one night you’d find him sitting in that very same spot on the rooftop, legs sprawled apart, absentmindedly staring at the night sky. But it’s been months. No calls, no texts—only a meek dial tone at the end of the line.

It was a hard pill to swallow, but Min Yoongi was simply the right person you’ve met at the wrong time.

“Yeah,” you answered Jungkook softly before taking his hand to lift yourself from the seat. A quiet giggle left your lips once your boyfriend pulled you closer to pepper kisses on your cheek, and the two of you began your walk out of the building. “Let’s get out of here.”

[ijenoyou]

Bright eyes.

werewolf!jeno x human!reader. 

summary: jeno reminds you of a part of your childhood you don’t remember ever living.

PT2.

warnings: mentions of blood, loss of memory.

note: this is kinda based on the book saga The Wolves of Mercy Falls hehe anyways don’t mind any grammatical mistakes:) english isn’t my first lenguaje soooo hehe enjoy! also i might do more parts of this lol depends on how well it goes lmao

MASTERLIST.

————————————————————————————————————————

Another cold and boring day.

It was the coldest day by far in the whole year, making you wear a gray sweater under your tshirt and fluffy jacket. Middle of the new semestrer starts today so it would be no surprise if you saw some new faces at school. And still, you would find most of them boring and plain, nothing could get you excited today, unless something big happens which was unlikely in the cold and boring Minnessota.

When arriving at school, you met your best and only friend, Mark. A nice boy with soft brown hair from Canada, who moved five years ago to the bright yellow house next to yours.

“I think this year is going to be good!” Mark said with a smile after you said hi to him.

You wished you were as happy as he is —it’s not like you were in a constant state of sadness— but you couldn’t help but to wonder why is he always smiling and beaming with happiness. There’s nothing in Minnessota to be excited about but maybe it’s the way he could ditch you any time and get more nice friends who could actually talk to him the way he does with you.

“I don’t know Mark, it feels like the year is going to be the same as the other years.” You said while beginning walking towards the entrance of the school.

“Maybe this year you can find someone to you know—“ He said while nudging me with his elbow while moving his eyebrows up and down.

“What? More friends to hang out with?” You snort and laugh while shaking your head to the sides.

“I mean— You could get more friends, sometimes I feel bad when I see that I’m your only friend.” He answered while faking a sad pout. “I was talking about you know... A boyfriend maybe.”

You stopped walking making him laugh with nervousness.

“Or girlfriend! I don’t judge.” Mark said while shrugging his shoulders.

You roll your eyes and push his shoulder with yours and began walking again.

“I’m not looking for someone to date, dude.” You said and took your usual seat, Mark groaned and put both of his hands at the sides of your desk making you look directly at this eyes. “What?”

“You’re going to die alone if you don’t start hanging out with other people!” He said almost screaming.

You huffed and decide to take out your phone which was connected to your earbuds. You put them on and pressed play so your loud music could start. And that’s when Mark knew he lost the battle so he decided to just sit next to you. The class was about to begin when other students started to apear and take their places. You weren’t paying any attention until one of the new students arrived, you frowned when seeing what he was wearing.

Isn’t he cold? You thought to yourself.

He was wearing black skinny jeans, a plaid black and white flannel with a black shirt underneath with black combat boots. You were thinking of how could he not be shivering since it’s snowing already and it’s going to be like that for 2 months in a row. But what got your attention was the fact that he was wearing sunglasses, wondering why since there’s no even a bit of warm lights coming from the sun.

You followed him with your eyes until he took the only free seat which was in front of you.

Mark saw the way your eyes were looking at the mysterious guy and smirked, thinking of a way to make you talk to the new blonde boy.

It was free period when you saw him again, this time you alone since Mark had basketball practice. You were walking towards your locker when you saw the boy with blonde — almost white— hair next to yours trying to open the door but failing miserably.

“You have to twist it and let it click.” You softly spoke behind him. “Like this.” You did it with your locker and it opened.

He copied your moves and his door opened in which he smiled. He turned his full body to you.

“Thanks, I’ve trying to open this damn thing for almost 10 minutes.” He said and started to put some of his books inside the locker.

You gave him a small smile with a nod and took your water bottle of your own locker and close it with your shoulder since you were carrying some heavy books for your science class.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“You’re already asking one.” He answered making you snort. “But sure.”

“What’s up with the sunglasses? There’s no sun.” You said making him laugh, he shrugged and took them out revealing a pair of eyes which had some tones of red mixed with brown and a mole underneath his right eye.

Why are his eyes red? Maybe you were seeing things but you could swear to god that his eyes were going from a deep brown to a dark red.

“I’m Jeno.” He extended his hands towards your and you took it without hesitating.

For some reason you feel like you already know him, and when you took his hand into yours a tingle went right through your whole arm. It was a feeling you had in the back of your brain like a memory you had lost. When he let go of your hand he smiled and turned around to leave.

“I’ll see you around Y/N.” He said while walking away from you.

You frowned. “How do you know my name?!” You shouted since he was already pretty far away.

“Your friend Mark told me.” He playfully said while putting his sunglasses on.

Mark is so gonna be dead.

After that atrocious meeting you had wifh Jeno you decided to nag Mark later over text.

When you arrived home the first thing you see is your mom looking at your baby pictures on the kitchen counter with a sweet smile on her face.

“What are you doing?” You asked while filling a glass with apple juice.

“I’m planing on hanging some of your baby photos on my office.” She explains while taking one photo and putting a frame on it.

You placed your glass down and took one picture off the counter.

It was a picture of you when you were between 10 and 12 years old, you could see there was some snow on the ground you were sitting at, next to a big white fluffy dog that looked almost like a wolf. You were smiling while hugging the dogs neck and for some reason the dog looked like he was smiling since it’s —weirdly enough— red eyes were curling like crescent moons with his tongue out.

“Whose dog is this?” You spoke after a few seconds of silence.

“Uh? Oh! That’s Moonie.” Your mother explained and took the picture off your hands. “I’m surprised you don’t remember him, you had him for almost two years.”

Weird. You don’t remember having a dog at that moment in your life, but when looking at the fluffy dog your heart started to beat faster.

“What kind of name is ‘Moonie’?” You mocked and took another sip of your apple juice.

“Well— You always said his eyes looked like moons even when we found him because it looks like he’s always smiling.” She said focused on getting the picture frame standing correctly.

“F-Found him?”

Your mother stoped doing whatever she was trying to do with the frame and frowned.

“Do you really don’t remember Moonie?” She asked with concerned, you shake your head and she sighed. “Y/N, you found him or maybe he found you—“ She laughed. “We went out to the mountains, the ones that are close to the forest, to play with the snow but your father and I lost you within the trees.”

Before she could continue the story your father came down from the second floor and smile when he saw what your mother was holding, gave her a quick kiss in the crown of her head and walked towards the fridge to take a cold water bottle from it.

“Honey, Y/N doesn’t remember Moonie!” She exclaimed and your fathers eyes went wide open.

“I’m surprised she doesn’t.” Your mom laughed and expressed that she said the same thing.

You rolled your eyes at your parents ethics and told your mother to continue the story in which she responded with a very enthusiastic yes.

“We were looking everywhere for you until we heard you scream, we ran as fast as our old bodies could and found you in the ground with a very big bite on your right leg and blood stained the snow.” Your father patted your moms head and she sighed. “We—“ Her eyes started to water at the thought of you hurt.

“A pack of wolfs attacked you.” Your father explains. “But there was one who tried to get them away from you, that was Moonie.” He finished talking.

“So... You’re saying that a dog saved me from being eaten?” You asked with shock. “What happened after?”

“When they left he began licking your wound to try and make it stop bleeding, we wanted to carry you but when your mom and I got closer he would bark at us.” He said and opened his water bottle then taking a sip from it. “Since he wouldn’t leave your side we took him home with us, we hid him on the car when we took you to the hospital to get treated.”

Your mind was racing, trying to remember the dog who apparently saved you— but looking at the other pictures you had with the animal you started to think that maybe he wasn’t a dog, but a wolf. Maybe just a bit smaller than a normal wolf.

“Where is he now?” You asked.

“We don’t know, he one day left on his own and never saw him again, you were so sad it broke our hearts.” Your mother finished putting all of the photos she wanted on frames and got up from the stool she was sitting at.

She gave you a squish on the shoulder and started to save the rest of the pictures in a shoe box.

“Can I keep it?” You took the picture of you and Moonie in between your fingers.

“Of course honey!”

Getting a ton of work on the second day of school wasn’t something you were looking forward to, but here you were, doing literature work if you wanted to get some points for finals. But it was hard to do it since you kept on thinking about that damn dog or wolf — whatever he is. —

“It’s a wolf.” You heard a raspy voice behind you.

“Uh?” You turned around confused.

There he is.

“You were muttering something about a dog and a wolf but looking at the picture in your hand it’s clearly a wolf.” Jeno answered and took seat next to you.

You bit your bottom lip thinking of a reply to his words. “How are you so sure?” You asked while narrowing your eyes.

He smirked and took the picture with him. “There’s no way a normal dog is that big.” Jeno explained and you nodded. “Moonie.” He whispers with a faint smile on his lips.

“H-How do you know his name?” You asked with wonder in your voice.

“It’s uh— It’s on the back of the picture.” He quickly spoke and turned the piece of paper around.

Moonie and Me! ♡

It’s written on very big and bold letters.

[illfoandillfie]

please give me Anything himbo roger i need this like perhaps... him being obsessed with eating pussy? pls? - cloud anon

I’m so so so glad you requested more himbo rog because i love any excuse to write him lmao. This is a bit of a long one, certainly well over blurb length but what are you gonna do. I just have a lot of thots where himbo rog is concerned and then there was that convo a little while ago about dressing him in a maid uniform and I had to use it in here. 

warnings: smut, hypnosis & bimbofication, dom!reader, fingering, pegging, oral sex (f receiving), hand job, a little bit of spanking, a little choking, a very brief mention of public sex, free use (perhaps leaning ever so slightly into consensual non consent), humiliation and degradation

Blurb Advent: Day 15

Future Management Series (all my bimbo/himbo writing)

Taglist:  @vee-ndetta @atomic-watermelon @kellypenac @labessieisallama @deakyclicks @jennyggggrrr @drowseoftaylor @hannafuckingsucks @i-cant-hangout-im-drumming @queenmylovely @ilovequeenmorethanyou @johndeaconshands @borhapbois @stardust-galaxies @cherries-n-rocknroll @rogersslave @scorpiogemini  

The costume shop was quiet when you entered it, one of the fluorescent lights at the far end flickering. The lady at the counter looked up from her magazine, her gaze lingering on Roger for a moment before she looked back down.

“What was the theme again?” you asked Roger as you flicked through a rack of women’s costumes.

“The letter M,” he replied from one of the other racks.

“How did Freddie pick that?”

“Dunno, you’d have to ask him. Bigger question is what are we going to wear.”

“What about Mickey and Minnie Mouse?” you shrugged.

“That sounds easy. And we’d look cute as fuck.”

“Sorry, hun,” the woman at the counter piped up, “Sold out of them two days ago.”

“Rats.”

“Mice, love,” Roger teased poking his tongue out as he went to check out another row of costumes, “We could make them from scratch I suppose.”

“Left it a bit late though. We’re meant to have them by Saturday.” You headed to the counter in the hopes that the woman there would be able to speed things up, “Do you have any other costumes starting with M then?”

She sighed as she were being interrupted in a very important task before putting down her magazine and pulling out a binder full of lists of stock. Flicking through it she located the section with M. An awful lot of it had been crossed out.

“How many people are invited to this thing? And do they all shop here?”

He shrugged as he joined you at the counter, “Roughly half of London if his last party was anything to go by. What are our options?”

The women smiled at Roger, her attitude becoming much friendlier now that he was involved, “Not a lot I’m afraid. We’ve still got a Mummy, as in Ancient Egypt, ummm, a Maid, as in French, Marilyn Monroe, Mary Poppins, a Monk, Mrs Clause, Medieval Princess…”

“Looks like you’ll be easy to sort out,” Roger said to you, “not much in the way of mens costumes though. I’d be an alright Mummy I guess,”

“Sorry, should have specified. It’s a women’s costume that one. Very sexy,”

“How do you make a Mummy sexy?”

“Strategically removed bandages. I can show you if you like,” she said this last part to Roger, suggestion dripping from every word.

“What about the Monk?” you suggested.

“Ehhhh,”

“Beggars can’t be choosers Rog.”

“Alright, it’s the backup idea. Would I be able to fit in any of those other costumes though?”

The woman thought about it, giving Roger a once over as if measuring him with just her eyeballs, “The Maid maybe. Think we should have one large enough.”

“Alright I’ll try that.”

“And I’ll go Marilyn Monroe?”

“You as Marilyn? Oh there’s a joke in there somewhere…something about How To Mary A Millionaire?”

You shook your head at him, “Just go and try on your dress,”

It was a good thing Roger had no qualms about cross dressing because the maid outfit fit perfectly. One look at Roger’s legs in the short, ruffled skirt had your mind whirring with ideas. He bought both your costumes, adding in a maid’s headband and fishnet stockings for himself and a blond Marilyn wig for you. And on Saturday night you watched him don the outfit once more, struggling to keep your hands off him. Without you knowing, he’d gone and bought himself a pair of simple black heels, explaining that if he was going to do it he might as well do it properly. Unfortunately for you they just emphasised the shape of his legs in the fishnets and made his hips sway as he walked.

 The party itself was fun but you constantly found yourself zoning out, thinking about what you’d like to do to Roger before he got out of the dress.

“Love?” he asked, making you blink yourself back to the thumping music and loud voices, “You alright?’

“Fine,” you nodded.

Roger frowned and grabbed your hand, leading you away from the main throng of people, “You’ve been zoning out all night, are you sure you’re okay? Haven’t had too much to drink or anything?”

“No, it’s fine. Someone lit up a joint before and I must have breathed in some of it without meaning to.”

He gave you a look like he knew there was more to it.

“Also, maybe I can’t stop thinking about trancing you in that dress.”

“Oh,” his eyes widened and if it hadn’t been as dark as it was you would have seen a light pink stain creeping up his neck. He glanced around and then pulled you off down the hall and towards an even quieter spot, “and um, what might that look like?”

“I don’t know, got a few ideas,” your breath hitched as Roger pushed you into a dark corner of whichever room you’d ended up in, “like the idea of you on your knees. Bet I could see your arse if you leaned forward enough.”

Roger attached his lips to your throat, oblivious of if anyone else was around.

“Maybe spanking you or edg – ” you were cut off as Roger kissed you full on the mouth, his hands already working at getting his underwear and stockings down far enough to get his dick out.

“We’ll continue this conversation at home,” he said as he lifted you up, pushing your back against the wall as he moved your underwear aside.

 It took a couple of days for the topic to come up again but Roger was still just as into it as he had been at the party. He’d clearly been thinking about it too because he had almost as many ideas as you did and for a week or so you discussed it on and off. It came up intermittently, sometimes a single idea out of nowhere.

“What if you tranced me and made me think I was your maid or uhhh servant? Maybe like acted really strict? Or mean even?”

“What about I get a bell to ring to get your attention but use the hypnosis to condition you to get hornier when you hear it?”

Or sometimes it was more of a conversation with each of you building on what the other said.

“What do you think about exploring that free use thing we talked about a few months ago? Like me just having you how I want and when I want.”

“Would that require a more extended hypnosis? A whole day maybe? More?”

“No I don’t think so. I mean, maybe longer than the usual couple of hours. An afternoon? Not longer than a day though, I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that to you.”

“Then yeah okay, we did agree it sounded hot in a non-hypno way so mixing them together should work. Um, what about that pegging thing we tried?”

“You wanna do it again?”

“Yeah I think so. Again, it was pretty hot last time so doing it while I’m hypnotised can only be better, right?”

“Are you sure? We’re both pretty new to it.”

“Yeah I’m sure. I really enjoyed it,” he laughed nervously, “and I would have suggested doing it again anyway, this just seems like a good excuse.”

By the end of the week you had a pretty solid idea about what you were both looking for from the scene and what you’d both feel comfortable doing. And you arranged it so you were both at home on Friday, free to spend the morning relaxing and the afternoon playing.

After an early lunch in which you made sure to mess up the kitchen, Roger went and changed, once again putting on the dress, fishnets, hair piece and shoes. Only this time he wore one of your thongs, sheer black, underneath and a butt plug you’d picked up for him, complete with a pink jewel on the end. For your part, you dressed in one of your work outfits with a grey pencil skirt and white blouse, hopeful that it would make you seem more authoritative. Roger did a little spin for you when he was dressed and then sat in one of the kitchen chairs so you could talk him down into his trance. The scenario you’d agreed upon had him believing he was your silly brainless maid, hired to do whatever you asked. The sound of your bell meant you had another task for him, but it also made him extra horny. So horny in fact that he’d have trouble remembering what he was meant to be doing. As you dropped him deeper and he relaxed more, you noticed his legs spreading further open, making you laugh to yourself. Finally you rang the bell to wake him.

Roger grinned at you from the chair, “What can I do for you Ma’am?”

“Your first job of the day, Dummy,” you said, putting on a stern voice that left no room for argument, “is to dust off the bookshelf in the living room. It’s filthy up there.”

“Where?”

“Through this doorway,” you pointed and he dutifully stood up and began to walk toward it.

“You’ll need a duster,” you reminded him.

“Oh! Of course, Ma’am. Umm….”

“In that cupboard,”

Roger nodded, cheeks pink with embarrassment and retrieved the feather duster.

You followed him out to the living room, watching his skirt bounce with each step. He started off with the shelves at eye level, humming to himself as he brushed the duster over them, but soon had to move on to the shelves higher up. You perched yourself on the couch, acting as if you were reading though your eyes were on Roger, watching as he wobbled on his tip toes, his skirt riding up. You rang the bell and Roger jolted, looking around for you as he bit his lip.

“Yes Ma’am?”

“I think you might need to stand on a chair, Dummy. It doesn’t seem like you can reach the top shelves.”

He nodded and hurried to retrieve one, nearly running in his haste to please you.

The chair was a stroke of genius on your part. It gave you a good view up his skirt as he happily continued his dusting, especially when he leant over to get the far end of each shelf without moving his chair. You could clearly see the pink jewel every time and it made you eager to get him onto the next task. With another ring of the bell Roger jumped down to the ground and hurried to ask what he could do now.

“My shoes,” you said, pointing at the heels on your feet, “they need polishing. I want you to spit shine them for me.”

Roger blinked at you.

You clicked and pointed at your shoes again, “On your knees. C’mon, I’m not paying you to stand around and look pretty. Lick my shoes clean.”

“Yes Ma’am, sorry Ma’am,” he bowed his head and dropped to his knees where he stood, crawling over to you.

“Good Dummy,” you said as he trailed his tongue over the toe of your shoe. You’d wiped down the shoes earlier just to make sure Roger wouldn’t pick up any germs from them, but he was too brainless to notice they were already clean, enthusiastically licking at them. You made it clear you were watching him closely though. Midway through the second shoe you saw him brush his hand over the front of the skirt and stopped his shoe shining.

“I’m sorry, Dummy, is this making you horny?”

“Yes, Ma’am, it is,”

“Show me how much,” you wiggled your shoe under the hem of the skirt and pressed it lightly up, rubbing the toe against his crotch, “Hump my shoe, Maid.”

Without any more encouragement he began doing exactly as you’d asked, dragging his clothed cock along the top of your shoe, letting his eyes shut as he bit his lip.

“Alright, enough.” You pulled your food free and held it out in front of you, “Is it my imagination or did you make a mess on my shoe?”

He tilted his head to the side.

“I think you’re so fucking horny you’ve got precum all over my shoe. Is that right?”

“I don’t know,”

“Well,” you grabbed him by the hair and pushed him over the streak, “clean it up and tell me.”

Roger whimpered as you pulled his hair to move him where you wanted but thanked you for helping him and confirmed you were right. After that you felt he deserved a reward so you readjusted yourself, pulling your pencil skirt a little higher up your legs before you rang the bell again.

Roger groaned quietly at the sound, his breathing a little harder than before and then sat back. His eyes fell to where your skirt was gathered against your thigh as you crossed your legs.

“What now Ma’am?” he watched closely as you recrossed your legs, “Is there something else you’d like me to lick?”

“I don’t know. Is there something else you’d like to lick?”

He nodded, eyes still firmly on your thighs.

“Aren’t you just a pathetic little slut.”

“Am I?”

“I’m afraid so. Do you understand why?”

Roger nodded, still staring at your crotch, and then shook his head.

“Oh Dummy. It’s one thing to be my good little maid and eat me out when I tell you to, it’s entirely different for you to ask to do it. Do you see how slutty that makes you?”

Roger tilted his head and then shook it.

You tutted at him and knocked the bell as if on accident.

He whined at the sound.

“Crawl to the dining room. I want you to wash the floor in there.”

“But…please? I want to lick you soooooo bad and I’d be so good at it.”

“Careful, Maid. Now crawl.

“Yes Ma’am.” Roger dipped his head in apology and began crawling to the next room.

You stepped around him to retrieve a bucket of water and a cloth, placing both on the floor of the dining room where he stopped, “You know what to do.”

He looked at the bucket and back to you, confusion written all over his face.

With an exaggerated and exasperated sigh you handed him the cloth and, taking hold of his wrist, plunged his hand into the warm water. He gasped as you then wrenched it free and dropped it to the floorboards.

“Scrub.”

He nodded, looking mildly upset and dragged the cloth slowly over the floor.

You watched for a little while before coming up behind him, “Put your back into it, stop being lazy.” you pressed his upper back with your foot to make him bend forward.

His neck and face were bright pink, though it was hard to say whether it was arousal or embarrassment that was making him flush more. He did as you asked though, scrubbing the floor harder. You stepped behind him again, admiring the view and occasionally reminding him what you expected. After you felt you’d watched him struggle enough you stepped up behind him again. He pushed the cloth harder, expecting another reprimand. Instead you trailed you hand over the curve of his arse, pushing his skirt up higher.

Roger stilled, though you heard him whine softly into the floor.

“You’re doing a very good job, Dummy.”

He gasped when you suddenly spanked him but he pushed his arse back against your hand.

“You want another?”

He shook his head but kept pressing back against you.

“But I think you do,” You gave him another spank, “Now keep being good and see if you can earn some more.”

He nodded and smiled, though there were tears in his eyes, and then returned to scrubbing the floor.

 You let him go for a while, stepping out into the other room to calm down and get ready for the next part of the plan. You could feel your wetness pooling in your underwear with how turned on you were at ordering Roger around and how much he was enjoying it. Originally you were going to make him wait to get you off until after you’d fucked him but perhaps you could have your cake and eat it too. All the same you headed to the bedroom to gather the strap and dildo you’d bought when the topic of pegging had first arisen between you. You grabbed them and the lube and then put them down again as you considered your next move. The conclusion you came to was that there wasn’t much point having a desperate bimbo toy if you were only going to deny yourself. Roger came as much as he wanted when you were the one under his influence, so why shouldn’t you do the same. You quickly shimmied out of your underwear, and then picked everything up again, dropping it on the couch in the living room on your way back to see how Roger was getting along. He was still scrubbing though he’d spilt some of the water as he’d moved the bucket, the top of his dress wet in patches. You pulled out one of the chairs, standing in front of it as you rang the bell, and watched as Roger squirmed at the sound.  

“What can I do for you Ma’am?”

“Come here.”

He immediately dropped the cloth and crawled towards you.

“Good Dummy. Need your fingers to make me feel good.” You rucked your skirt up and dropped onto the seat, placing one leg up on the table.

Rogers eyes lit up and he leaned forward as if to lick hungrily along your slit.

You grabbed his hair and held him back.

“Ma’am?” Roger whined, struggling against your grip with his tongue hanging out, desperate to reach your cunt.

“I said fingers, slut.”

Roger whimpered again but brought his hand up, trailing his fingers along your slit.

“That’s right Dummy. You’re gonna finger me and make me cum and you’re going to keep your eyes up here so I know you’ll behave yourself.”

He nodded rapidly, his eyes on yours, “You’re wet,”

“You know how much I like watching your cute little arse work. C’mon, finger me,” you instructed, waiting until he’d sunk one digit into you before continuing, “Love seeing you with that pretty plug. Makes me want to use you.”

“Ma’am can I…?”

“I didn’t say you could talk. Focus.”

Roger’s eyebrows furrowed as he pulled his finger out and pressed it back in.

“You look confused Slut. What’s the matter?”

“Is this good?”

You smiled indulgently at that, half convinced he’d been about to ask to eat you out again, “So good Dummy. Add a second finger.”

He did as you asked, automatically curling them against you as he pulled them out.

“You’re such a good, obedient servant.” You relaxed back into the chair, letting Roger find a good rhythm.

He was quiet for a bit, concentrating, and then “Can I lick you now?”

You made a tutting noise, “I thought you understood your position.”

“Pos-tition?”

“I guess I have to explain it again then. I don’t care if you like licking cunt, this isn’t about you. You’re my maid. Your job is to serve me however I want, remember? I don’t care if you want something different. You’re mine to use how and when I want. Those were the conditions I hired you under, do you understand?”

“Yes Ma’am,”

“Are you sure? Then why haven’t I cum yet?”

Roger kept his eyes locked on yours as he sunk a third finger into you, pumping them faster and bringing his other hand up to rub your clit.

“Better,” you managed to get out, though it was much breathier than you’d intended.

Roger poked his tongue out between his teeth as he put all his energy into pleasuring you. You let your head drop back, rocking your hips in time with his thrusts as he sank his fingers deep into you, his other hand firmly occupied too. He slid his thumb between your lips and up to circle your clit, spreading your arousal over your cunt. The mixture of sensations sent you over the edge without too much delay, your legs clamping shut to keep his hand where you wanted it until you’d come down. Afterwards you made Roger hold his fingers up, cleaning them off with your own tongue. He whined and pouted as he watched you lick up your juices, so desperate to taste you for himself. You gave him a small concession though, grabbing his cheeks when you were done to force his mouth open. He looked confused as you brought your face close and spat onto his tongue, your saliva tinged with what you’d just licked from his fingers. But he thanked you with a big smile and a small hum of satisfaction as he swallowed it.

“What now Ma’am?” he asked softly, sitting up straighter and glancing at the bell.

You bumped the bell against your palm as if in thought, watching Roger wince with each ring, “The kitchen needs a tidy up. Go in there and wipe down all the benches for me, okay? I’ll be back soon to check on you.”

Roger nodded and walked on unsteady legs back through the house. You followed him, needing to point him in the right direction a couple of times, and then continued on to the living room to collect your supplies and remove your skirt. It took you a little while to figure out the harness. Last time Roger had helped you get set up so doing it on your own was a little confusing. You took a breath and reminded yourself you were a smart and capable woman and that you could figure out a simple sex toy on your own, and eventually got it on right. When you were comfortable you popped open the lube and spread more than you thought you’d need along the shaft of the toy. It still felt a little bizarre to look down and see a penis, even if it was obviously fake. The first time you’d tried it on you’d wondered aloud if the work you did for those living rough would have been easier to achieve if you had a real one and Roger had suggested you wear it to work one day and find out. You’d laughed at how ridiculous that was and the memory made you chuckle again as you double checked everything was in the right place.

Roger was in the kitchen when you arrived, standing at the bench with a cloth in his hand, humming to himself, though he seemed to have forgotten what he was meant to be doing. You stepped behind him and ran your hand up the inside of his thigh, over the stockings.

The humming stopped and he stilled, “Ma’am?”

“Bend over.”

He did as you asked, his chest and arms leaning on the bench.

You felt him up, letting your hands roam under his skirt, brushing over his cock and along his thigh and over his arse, making his shiver and whine. “Good thing this dress is so short, Dummy. Makes it so much easier for me. And it makes you look like a slut. You’re very hard by the way, does that mean you like it when I tell you what to do?”

His voice was soft when he spoke to the bench top, “Yes, Ma’am,”

“That’s good because I like telling you what to do. And you should be happy to know that I’m wet from watching my brainless maid working all day.”

“I am happy!”

“You are?”

“Mmhmm. Maybe I could help you Ma’am, I love cunt so much.”

“Aww Dummy,” you cooed, stroking your fingers through his hair, “That’s sweet of you to offer but it’s not what I want right now,” you took the fishnets in both hands and tugged until a rip formed right along the back, “For now I want you to stay bent over for me so I can use you. Just like I talked about before, remember?”

“When you said I’m yours to use how you want?”

“You do remember! Good boy!”

“And you said, ummmm,” he gasped as you moved his underwear aside and began slowly working the plug out of him, adding lube to make it easier

“Go one, what else did I say?” you asked as you pushed the plug back in, fucking him with it, adding more lube as necessary.

“Umm, you said they were the,” he stretched out the word as he thought hard, “oh! The co-com-bit-ons and that its, umm, my job to serve you?”

“Very good! That was so much to remember, I’m very impressed.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes, Dummy. I think I’ll have to give you a reward for remembering it all so well.”

Roger looked over his shoulder at you, grinning, “Thank you Ma’am,”

“Alright, turn back around, I’m still going to use you. Because….?”

“Because I’m yours?”

“Good boy,” you pulled the plug free and placed it on the bench beside you. Squeezing some more lube onto your fingers you began spreading it over his arsehole.

“‘s cold,” he said softly to the bench.

“I know baby, but it won’t be for long. And I gotta make sure there’s enough so that I don’t hurt you. And then you’ll be all ready for my cock.”

Roger nodded, flattening himself on the bench as you lined up the tip of the dildo and slowly sank into him.

Roger made a high pitched keening noise and you reached out to stroke his hair again as he adjusted.

“You okay, baby?” you asked letting the stern act drop for a moment.

Roger nodded, “yeah, ‘m okay. Just feels funny.”

“But good though?”

“Mmhmm. Good.”

“Good. I want you to like it. It’s more fun when you do.”

“I do!” as if to prove it he pushed his hips back, making you sink a little deeper.

“I can see that,” you laughed, “I’m gonna fuck you now, okay Dummy, and you’re going to enjoy it, right?”

He nodded, whining as you pulled your hips back slowly and then thrust forward again, figuring out your rhythm and adjusting to the sort of muscle movement it required. As you got more comfortable with it you let yourself be a little firmer, grasping Roger’s waist and fucking him harder, drawing more gasps and whines and moans from him. You varied your speed, sometimes faster and sometimes slower, keeping Roger from knowing exactly what you would do next (and giving yourself a break every so often). He’d taken your instruction to enjoy it to heart though. His fingernails scraped along the top of the bench as he tried to ground himself, rocking his hips back against you whenever you slowed.

“I want you to cum, Dummy. Rub your cock through your pretty sheer panties.”

“Th-through?”

“Over your panties.”

“Um,”

You stilled your hips and pulled out of him so you could grab his hand and lift his skirt, placing his palm over his cock, “now rub.”

He nodded, swallowing hard as he began to stroke himself. His hand stilled as you plunged into him again but a warning word made him remember what you wanted and he shakily followed your orders as you fucked him hard.

“How does it feel, Maid, being used for my entertainment?”

Roger babbled something incomprehensible in response. You couldn’t tell if it was just noise or if he’d been trying to form words but it was hot either way.

“C’mon, show me how much you like being my pretty little fuck doll. Be the pathetic little slut I know you are, and cum.” You panted between the words but Roger didn’t seem to notice or if he did he didn’t care. It must have sounded authoritative enough because a few seconds later he was moaning, his fingers twitching and legs shaking as he came. You slowed to a stop and replaced the dildo with his plug again before fixing his underwear and smoothing down his skirt.

“There, all pretty again,”

“Thank you Ma’am,” he sighed.

You patted his head, “Finish up cleaning off the benches in here and I’ll have another job for you.” You walked off, releasing a long breath once you were out of his hearing.

 In the time it took you to get out of the harness, put your skirt back on, throw the dildo into a sink of hot water and relocate the bell, Roger achieved very little. He hadn’t moved from where you’d bent him over though he had stood up and grabbed his cloth again, drawing circles with it over the benchtop. When you came back to get him for his next job he was shifting from foot to foot.

“What’s the matter, Dummy?”

“Nothing,”

“Are you sure?”

He nodded though he didn’t meet your eye.

“Tell me.”

“My panties…”

“Aww, is it a bit uncomfortable?”

He nodded vigorously.

“Well maybe I can distract you.” You rang the bell and watched as his eyes glazed over and his hips jolted. “The bed needs to be made Dummy. Go on, off you go.”

He nodded and hurried off, his heels clicking against the wooden floorboards, his step awkward as he squirmed in discomfort. You followed him and showed him where to get a clean sheet from, watching as he pottered around the bed pulling off all the bedding, throwing them into a pile on the floor. Putting a new fitted sheet on the mattress seemed to be too hard a task though. It was almost cartoonish how much he struggled, placing the wrong corner of the sheet on the wrong corner of the bed and then somehow repeating the same mistake when he tried to turn the sheet around. He wouldn’t stand still, uncomfortably dancing around in his cum soaked underwear, getting more and more frustrated as the corner he thought he’d got on flew up when he tried to fit the next one. Every so often you jangled the bell under the guise of getting his attention to give him a helpful tip or reprimand him for taking so long, but it had the added effect of turning him on more than he already was, his face flushed and his eyes begging. You let him continue for a few minutes and then, when he next turned in response to your bell, you surprised him by pushing him onto the mattress.

“Ma’am?” he asked, voice trembling as you positioned yourself on his thigh and pushed his dress up.

“You made such a mess before, didn’t you? Ruined your panties and I’m afraid it’s spread to your pretty dress,” you showed him the patches on the inside of the skirt from where it had rubbed against the sheer fabric of his knickers and been stained. “Lucky for you I like messy little sluts. And” you palmed him roughly, “I think you like it too. Already hard again?”

Roger shook his head but tilted his head back and whined.

You placed your hand over his throat, “Don’t lie to me, Maid. I can see it; I can feel it. You’re a dirty little slut who gets off on being my property. My dumb little fuck doll.” You punctuated the last sentence by grinding against his thigh with each word, squeezing his length through his stained underwear. “I’m going to make you cum again now and if you’re good I might see about letting you eat me out. I did promise you a reward earlier,”

“Please,” Roger whimpered, “I’ll make you feel so, so good.”

“I know, Dummy. But not yet.” You squeezed his throat at the same time you rubbed your hand over his cock, choking off the moan that had begun to build. Roger squirmed under you as you wanked him off, cooing at him about how pretty he looked and how wet it was making you. Each stroke along his shaft was accompanied by a breathy whine or moan, his head tilted back and his eyes fluttering shut. It was always fun to watch Roger be pushed towards release when he was tranced. It was fun when he wasn’t hypnotised either but there was something about taking his brain away that made him more animated and vocal. He babbled at you again, his hand grabbing your wrist as he got closer, his back arching as he tried to buck his hips up into you.

“Good boy, good Dummy,” you praised him as he finished, able to feel the warmth of his release fill the material again as you kept stroking him, milking every drop you could. He whined loudly as he became more sensitive, but you kept toying with him until tears began leaking from the corners of his eyes.

“Alright, Dummy, stay there while I take my skirt off.”

Roger remained lying where you left him, so you gave him a soft kiss and wiped away his tears, praising him a little more, before you swung your leg over his face and finally let him have what he wanted.  

 It was as if you’d told him he’d won the lottery. He just about cheered as he thanked you repeatedly and then wrapped his arms around your thighs to pull you down onto his tongue. You had to stick out an arm to try and steady yourself as he devoured you, excitedly tracing your lips with his tongue, sucking them into his mouth. He hummed and whimpered against you and used his hands to encourage you to rock yourself against his mouth, spreading your wetness across his face. At one point, so giddy with joy, he giggled, and you jolted at the bizarre tickling sensation of his breath. But that just seemed to spur him on as he licked and sucked every inch of your cunt he could reach. You weren’t sure if his end goal was to make you cum or if he just got very excited and enthusiastic about pussy but, either way, the result was the same. It was impossible to hold back your release as his tongue slid along your folds and his lips latched onto you. He hummed as you gasped and tensed above him, refusing to stop until you pried his hands from your thighs and let yourself fall back to the bed. He pouted as if he wanted to throw a tantrum at having his favourite food taken away, but you managed to make him smile by telling him how incredible you felt and how good he was.

He let you lie down next to him and listened quietly as you talked him out of the trance, reminding him who he was and the reality of your situation. You waited as Roger opened his eyes, stroking his hair back from his face softly as everything returned to him.

“Wow,” was the first thing he said, “That was,” he cleared his throat and pushed himself to sit up, “that was something.”

“Yeah?”

“I mean, a very fun something,” he hurried to clarify so you wouldn’t worry, “I take it you enjoyed yourself too?”

You laughed and nodded, “Definitely. This is going to sound bad but I like being mean to you.”

“I get it,” he leaned over to kiss you softly, “I like being mean to you too.”

“And the pegging and free use stuff? All of that was okay? How do you feel now?”

“Oh, better than okay. That was brilliant. We’re definitely playing with them more in the future. Bit sore now and I really, really want to get out of this thong. Also take the plug out.”

“I can arrange that. D’you want some help with the plug?”

“Yes please.” Roger shifted onto his stomach, trying to relax so you could peel off the underwear and slowly wiggle the plug out of his arse, “Add these knickers to the list of ones I’ve ruined though.”

“That’s only cause I get such a kick out of making you cum in your pants.”

He hummed, wincing a little as the plug slipped all the way out, “y’know one of these days I’m going to wake up from a trance and decide to gag you with whatever underwear you made me destroy while I keep eating you out. I still have a bit of a lingering need to have my head between your legs and I do so enjoy overstimulating you.”

“Save that for a special occasion,” you laughed, giving his bum a tap to let him know he could roll over, “C’mon, shall I run us a bath?”

Roger nodded and let you pull him up, kissing you softly before he stood on slightly wobbly legs followed you out of the bedroom.

[sodone-withlife]

this time

here is yet another introspective dark angst fic torturing Hotch, but you will be glad to know that he doesn't die in this one (what a change from my last two fics lmao). this was written while trying to scratch the writing itch that’s not letting me adequately study for APs and while listening to one-hour loops of Freaks by Surf Curse and Billie Eilish’s cover of The End of the World.

the theme was inspired by the first song mentioned- Freaks by Surf Curse. the same deal applies to this—little to no proofreading was done, all mistakes are mine.

warnings: alcohol, suicidal ideation, implied/mentioned child abuse, canonical character death

word count: 1.9k words

I haven’t seen him take a break in months, not even after Morgan stepped up. Just look at him, he obviously hasn’t slept for a while, I don’t know how the hell he hasn’t collapsed yet.

How is he supposed to take down Foyet if he’s not even able to take care of himself?

How could he sleep when he knew his subconscious would conjure up images of Haley’s cold, bloodied, motionless body, of her unseeing eyes that managed to be accusing, even in death?

How could he sleep when he knew he would be stuck in a never-ending loop of finding his son’s tiny body that he imagined would be even tinier in death, of dreaming about hearing Jack’s agonized screams as Foyet tore into him with the same knife that had nearly killed his father months earlier?

Alcohol.

His father’s vice, and the one he swore, when he was old enough to understand what was happening, that he would never add to his already long list.

But ever since the early morning night he returned to his apartment after spending hours upon hours dealing with the bureaucratic nightmare that was the Turner pig farm case, all of the promises and vows he had made over the years, to himself and to his family, had dissolved and disappeared like dust in the wind.

I swear I’ll make the world safer for you and Jack.

Garcia had been so fearfully confident in the Marshals Service, wanting reassurance in her belief that Foyet would be caught.

But Hotch knew the profile like the back of his hand, and his answer left his lips with easy confidence even as an oppressing feeling of dread came over him.

That was the start.

Foyet’s voice remained in his head, a vicious devil casting doubt on his every word and his every decision, giving voice to his worst fears and darkest impulses that he had long hoped to suppress.

I swear I’ll protect you and Jack for the rest of my days

Then Foyet was waiting in his apartment, and Hotch was weakened by the exhaustion and stress of two all-nighters in a row and one of the worst crime scenes he’s come across in all of his years of prosecution and in the bureau. That night, as his team was sleeping in their beds, dead to the world, he was slowly bleeding out and floating in and out of consciousness for an agonizing length of time before he finally succumbed to unconsciousness

The smell of antiseptic was an unwelcome greeting, and it wasn’t long before he was reminded once again why his mind’s tendency to be strangely clear, even under hospital-grade antiseptic, with its sharp grasp on memory was a curse.

He sank deeper into the bed, all the air suddenly gone from his lungs as he stared at the red streak of his own blood he knew was deliberately painted over his family’s smiling faces.

I swear I’ll never become my father, drowning in alcohol and breaking promises as easily as he made them.

The picture that was left behind wasn’t a warning, but a promise.

Somehow, Hotch knew that Foyet was throwing the promise he had made to Haley and Jack back in his face.

He had promised to protect them, but they were being targeted by a prolific, sadistic serial killer. They were forced to go into the system, and he doesn’t even know where they are, so how can he protect them at all?

Alcohol.

His father’s vice, and one that he ended up adding to his already long list.

The only way he could sleep through a night without waking up paralyzed from the nightmares, from Foyet’s voice taunting him like a parasite finding its home in the dark recesses of his mind.

But his apartment suffered for it, as did his sober mind every morning as he was faced with the evidence of just who he was like when he was intoxicated.

—broken glasses small spills from shaking hands papers thrown askew waking up with a gun at his side and a pounding headache and urges to snap at anyone and everyone and to hit something just like his fathe—

His promises were broken so easily, and so he feared perhaps the only promise that had been occupying his headspace since he last saw his family would follow suit.

We will catch him, and you'll come back, and I promise that I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you

So he avoided sleep as best he could, if only to lessen the all-encompassing dread that fell over him when his subconscious started torturing him with the imagined images of his worst fears.

Headaches, the aching emptiness that had always been and only grew over the past months, the cold numbness that he walked with, they were nothing compared to being too conscious of just how out-of-control everything had become in less than a year.

They were nothing compared to teetering on the edge of the pit of despair that threatened to swallow him whole with every reminder of the clock that was ticking intensely, of each grain of sand that was falling through the hourglass.

They were nothing compared to anticipating the time bomb ready to go off at any moment as he moved through his days, tightly strung and dreading a break in the case that would end up being found too late.

I promise.

...

The clock struck twelve—

the last grain of sand fell—

and the bomb exploded—

taking Haley and much of his heart with it.

But Foyet lived on in his mind, even as his beaten body—beaten by his hands, skull caving in under his fists and warm blood splattering over his face, grief and rage reducing him to his darkest urges that remained more present than they have ever been—was cremated and his ashes sent to unknown places.

Then Jack moved in with him, and his son was living in the apartment in which he had been stabbed nine times.

He gave his statement to Strauss and the other higher-ups, and he was cleared of the same crime that the same higher-ups had pressured him to punish Elle for, even despite her acquittal.

Oh, Elle.

Pulled in from Seattle with high ambitions, only to be crushed by this job… and by me.

Too much like me.

He took his time off, helping Jack settle in and having Jessica over as he made funeral arrangements, a burden he forced himself to take on in order to remind himself of the costs of his hubris.

Then the funeral was over, justified grievances from Haley’s family aired, Jack visiting the Brooks family for the weekend, and the team in Nashville for a case.

And all he wanted to do was sleep, because all of a sudden, his nightmares were gone and he was seeing what his life could have been like—

If he had remained in prosecution to become the youngest DA in county history.

If he had remained in the Seattle office and kept his ambition in check.

If Gideon hadn’t sent him to Boston to help with the Reaper case.

If the case hadn’t stuck with him like it had, hadn’t occupied a special place in his mind for years.

If Boston hadn’t ended the way it had, and Gideon was still unit chief.

If he had put in to transfer to the White Collar division earlier.

If he was less of an addict to the chase, to the danger, the adrenaline pumping through his veins with every case—

—and he was seeing that his life could have been so much better.

Just days ago, sleep was his torture, and wakefulness his refuge.

He was living alone with the demons in his mind, so the alcohol was in the cart out in the open and his firearms no less than a few feet away at all times.

But now, wakefulness was his torture, and the depths of sleep his newfound refuge.

A child was now living in his apartment, so the alcohol was shoved into the back of a cupboard and his firearms locked inside the biometric gun safe high up on a shelf.

—intact glasses in the sink hands remaining steady papers neatly organized and case files hidden from Jack’s innocent eyes mind clear and feeling the weight of his service weapon in his bloodstained hands disjointed thoughts coalescing into one—

The stone bench under the weeping willow in front of Haley’s gravestone was cold to the touch, and the stillness of the late evening was only broken by the occasional rustle of leaves as squirrels and birds moved about. Slowly, he shifted on the bench so that he was lying on his back and staring at the moon through the leaves.

The gun in the hip holster pressed into his side and the one on his ankle kept his left leg still as he let it hang over the side. He remained as alert as ever, twitching with every rustle but resisting the urge to get up and look around.

It was a startlingly clear evening even though it had stormed just the day before, and slowly, unwittingly, old memories from years ago came back into his mind and mixed with the false, happy images his traitorous mind had conjured up in his sleep.

And even though they weren’t as clear in wakefulness as they had been in sleep, he was filled with a deep, aching longing for the times that have never been, for the happiness that had died with Haley, and for the love that had only lingered because of Jack.

Never had the service weapons he wore daily been such a source of temptation, not even in his darkest days after he swore to never taint with the legacy of what he might be able to use it to do and before Foyet happened.

But you know just how much worth your promises actually have.

Remember what happened in just the last nine months?

He turned his head to look through the near-darkness at Haley’s gravestone, looking to her for guidance.

The temptation only grew stronger, and the storm in his mind picked up the pace.

Is death not just a permanent sleep?

Would they find him like he found Haley, lying on his back and looking completely at peace? If it weren’t for the blood that would be pooling around his head saying otherwise, might they believe that he was just sleeping?

Wouldn’t it be nice to sleep, to remain in your head with only peaceful dreams to keep you company?

An hour went by, and slowly, a few raindrops started making it through the leaves to fall on his face. He forced himself up before the storm that was moving in from the east grew to be as strong as the one in his mind.

Soon, he was back in the apartment, his weapons locked in the safe, alcohol still stashed in the back of a cupboard, and the bed was feeling too big and too empty.

Exhaustion sunk deep in his bones, and just as the wind and rain outside picked up, the storm in his mind died down.

There was no fight against the sleep that was slowly claiming him, and he slipped into the dreams that felt like the familiar, comforting warmth of her smile.

I dream of you almost every night.

Hopefully, I won’t wake up this time.

[shytiff]

Jan 2021 Wins

ive “journaled” for 6 months now. it started as small ___ wins because when you feel rly empty, even doing the bare minimum feels like a win. written down some of the wins. i think until now i’d like to keep the “win” part. a win against my shadow sometimes. a win in life. some things to be grateful for. a win for remembering it later in the future. i know some days im just basically doing nothing.  there are a lot of wars not won by me. but im still tryna ✨manifest✨

1 - woke up. watched bts’ 2021 seasons greetings. read trap city. afternoon nap. pupuy’s mbah passed away. i got DOMS in my body even though i did the barest of exercise yesterday (frail, i know). shower, matcha latte.

2 - the x banner atikah and i sent for racil post thesis defense has arrived lmaoo. mom made delicious (and sweet) fried banana. did some studying (more than usual, bcs the bar is on the floor)

3 - ate muesli, 3 risols. Kopsus coklat at flavola. Stayed there from 12-ish to 17:30 lmaooo. weekly bahas soal w/ fi. Rapat nemo

4 - first day of collab module. Barely cicil ukmppd. My mood is normal-ish but i hardly have the will to study. Dinner is fried fish with mentai sauce, potato wedges, and saladdd by mom

5 - collab module, qa presentation for rsui reps. finished reviewing tryout 2 solid. did padi pretest (got 66,5). ate chicken porridge, a bit of muesli and vsoy, tan ek tjoan bread, matcha latte, fish and chicken and potato wedges and salad, fried banana. i ate well today lol.

6 - slept during collab webinar, went to clara’s place to study osce and attended padi together. i ate well at clara’s placeee lol. ate nastar, kusuka, white kwetiaw with soup (?), and lele goreng. went back home @ 9 pm. i feel refreshed. even though we’ve half studied half mukbang all day. human interaction rly does heal me. i need human interaction more than i think. at night i dreamed about going to bali, to waterparks, seeing sea creatures, watching a movie displayed on a concert-like stage and screen at the front row. 

7 - woke up at 07:55, finished my part for collab group work. felt a bit tired today. the rest of fam went to DM, and when they were on the way back i HURRIED my way out, not even taking a shower lmaoo. got pistachio matcha latte at starbucks dm. now im more skilled in searching the best spot in a cafe to distance myself from people lmao. the matcha latte is served with some sort of pistachio cream and sprinkled with nuts on top. its like when sbux had taro matcha latte and it had purple cream on top. the pistachio taste is quite strong. reviewed TO 1 padi, sent proposals for nemo sponsorship.

8 - did syndrome try out and padi 2 web try out. studied for osce and padi @ clara’s place. wanted to order pizza since clara bought me food before, but she insisted in ordering lmaoo. so dinner is pizza hut

9 - woke up at 11.00 lmao. havent had breakfast. lunch is muesli with the brand new delishhh chocolate granola and cimory banana milk. did one shot try out, got 71. had a google meet with Prof Agus (that ethics book ghostwriting job from a year ago is not finished until now huaaa) that went from 20.00ish and finished at 22.30,,,,, reviewed syndrome try out along the way. havent made my collab self reflection hhhh. i also need to study for osce. also havent edited article for bukang solid. and there goes my saturday nooo

10 - i swear i keep waking up late lmao. Flavola w atikah, racheel later came with wawa. Kopsus coklat and ukmppd class w dr yudo. After class i just talked at flavola (and ended not studying osce at all for sunday). Went to racheel's to pray and talk some more. Hurriedly went back for booty call with fi, watched konser dies natalis first. Tryout and sum study with fi and clar that went from 20:30 to 00:10. Powered by left over kopsus and 2 snackit pia. Rip my sleeping schedule

11 - woke up at 10:30 ish, the lack of meal and horrible sleep pattern (for my standard) produced stuffy nose during the day and a bit of headache that went away for a bit after i ate. Late bfast is muesli, drank protein, ate tan ek tjoan, plus 2 brownies in the evening. Tht coaching w dr niken. Did self reflection for collab. Had dinner without rice, as usual. Ukmppd class w dr ayu. Finished reflection at 21:30 lmao (deadline is 23:55). Tryna sleep and my nose is still itchy and i sneeze a more often. i hope it goes away 2mrw

12 - DV coaching, scele tryout, took a nap before padi cause my head kind of hurts. Les padi while drinking matcha with vsoy less sugar and no added sugar. I can withstand the horrible sugarless cy matcha taste bcs theres a taste of soy. Didnt do anything else. Havent studied osce on my own until now. Astagfirullah

13 - my head still kind of aches. Its goes away when im eating. im eating so well during the weekdays that i gained 2kgs lmao. lazed around the first half of the day. padi. finally tried saint matcha and damnn its an amazing upgrade from Cy matcha. the green color is super different yall. Cy’s green looks sick and tired compared to saint matcha. the taste? immaculate (although coco deli is more fragrant). caffeine? hits. awake and feel normal? yes. messaged an ao3 author and got replied and turns out she’s making a sequel for my fav fic of hers. yay

14 - osce practice w ara ren ness. bedah and anak osce coaching. had 3 of mom’s cinnamon rolls and matcha latte for the afternoon. cicil osce DV. edited some pld articles. did nothing else basically

15 - wasted my day, didnt have the courage to study osce (i feel like i procrastinate on it bcs it feels overwhelming to me), TO FKUI 2, hurriedly reviewed to 1 before, les padi. i feel like this is the least focused im being in a les. maybe its the too few matcha powder.

16 - woke up at 9 am. breakfast is muesli. reviewed to 2 fkui w apa salahku (finished at 12 pm, there goes half of my saturday). tried fried chicken master. its good and tender but i still prefer moon chicken. 

17 - breakfast is muesli, banana and 2 martabak tahu. snack is keripik pisang aduuu wenak (and picking bits of meat cooked by mom). went to devi’s place w/ racheel silvi. brought RJ to be wrapped. we watched okay madam and its super fun, hilarious and full of twists anddd a bit of cutesy romance. just the right balance to enjoy and let the stress out. late lunch is moon chicken yay!! went home after maghrib, did to padi 6 w/ fi and matcha latte. talked about a senior’s wedding and eating healthier til 22:30

18 - To fkui 3, wasted my afternoon playing my phone, finally mustered some will to study after ashar. My progress is rly slow today. Watched hilarious jessi interview with eric, heechul. Im telling u, i thought tiktok is the funniest internet content but i was wronggg. Seeing heechul flustered is hilarious. Tried to study again at night but only learned 1 disease hiks

19 - had no idea what i did before dzuhur lmao. went to racheel’s to surprise atikah. actually napped at her place lmaoo why do i feel so sleepy. gifted rj to atikah. we ate fried chicken master and pempek on a small green table and talked. its like korean movie lmao. we talked while im simultaneously listening to padi lol.

20 - woke up at 8, chicken porridge + muesli and low sugar vsoy for breakfast. arrived at clara’s @10am. to fkui 4. reviewed it. reviewed general physical exam. finished up to padi 7. tried bombo donut. studied osce. i felt sooo dumb in osce (and clara is already super smart). superrr motivated to learn after going back home (arrived at 7) but i ended up opening youtube and drinking protein lmaooo and its suddenly 9 pm

21 - matcha latte at starbucks dm. Studied osce. Obgyn coaching w the super kind dr ilham. Les padi. Read angel buddy and played with my phone til 12 pm

22 - to fkui. padi as usual. had low motivation, so i did the tryout that day close to the actual course.

23 - left home at 06:30 to study together in capitol. had breakfast in mcd first. thank god i ate rice + chicken and breakfast wrap cuzzzz. studied osce together w ara, ical, kelvyn, dio and kak ilonka til about 2 pm. WALKED to bk bcs my parents are there. apparently simply driving to capitol is too much for them. immediately ate muesli at 4 pm cause i didnt eat anything in capitol. did nothing else after that. did not pray maghrib together lmao somehow mom had mercy on me and let me sleep som more. mom bought sate padang but i didnt eat it. i cried in bed because as yoongi said, “this is the real you and this is the real me”. did not shower/wash my face at night bcs i felt like shit lmao rip my face (its a week before bukang photoshoot)

24 - i feel tired, lazy, and just wanted some sleep. like all that’s in me is drained. ate muesli with strawberry milk. tried fitmee beef. its better than i thought. because the noodle is chewy you spend more time to chew. also ate fried chicken and daun singkong. usually i cant wait to go to flavola but even at 12 pm i just feel like laying down. finally mustered the will to shower and go out. its raining a bit on the way. colddd. 

25 - to fkui 6, osce briefing, covid lecture (that was actually for ppds), padi

26 - spaghetti for brekkie, coaching neuro and ophthalmology, cicil osce

27 - cicil osce, the second to the last padi omg. the fastest padi ever

28 - obgyn osce practice at kak ilonka’s place (that nice kosan at forkabi) with ara, ren ness, kelvyn, dio with mannequins from og dept, tried meokja salemba that serves bulgogi rice. quite good. after arriving at home, studied neuro together with menno til about 20:45 an and i just dont have the energy lmaooo so i gave up and slept

29 - today is bukang photoshoot at bintaro. put base make up on the way. even put glue on my eyebrow. got eyebrow, eyeshadow and blush done by renata. took lots of photos. nebeng om coro afterwards to bxc to meet mom. we ate at genki sushi (renata ara kris mendel oca regan geordie eka). i missss road trips hua. did tryout fkui on the way back home. after shower and prayer proceeded to review TO with apa salahku. Last padi (havent done the questions beforehand so i sprinted it out while on the actual course). Muhasabah osce with kak widia afterwards lmao. Studied osce with clara

30 - studied osce with ara ren ness @ merra. I ate eatlah, moms muffin, kemplang, tango. I ate so welll. Its a productive sesh, neuro and infectious disease. At home i studied osce w clara til abt 22:15 ish. I feel like i miss my me time lmao its been 3 days. I can still go on w clara but i dont wanna get myself sick

31 - simul osce in the morning. Osce study with clara almira. Cicil osce alone. Played my phone at 10 pm even though i still have mental clarity post matcha latte -___-

[softforwolfstar]

Wolfstar: “I want to go with you”

- inspired by an edit I saw a little while ago. (👇)

https://www.instagram.com/p/Byz2YXEDgnO/?igshid=ewbzpko6yvq

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by maria (@maringenue) on Jun 17, 2019 at 5:07am PDT

- This is super long I- I got really carried away lmao also I wrote this in my notes at 1:18am so if it’s bad, I blame the time. The tense kept on changing too I’m sorry-

...

“You should go with Marlene,” Remus said from behind his book. He was too afraid to look up from his book, afraid the other boy may see the bitterness in his face. He hadn’t looked up from his book since they two had locked eyes minutes ago. It was too uncomfortable.

He and Sirius were in the Gryffindor common room. It was late, the only lights in the room came from the dying embers of the fire, which gave the room a dim blood red glow, and the pale moonlight from the half crescent moon hung in the blackened sky above. Sirius was sprawled out, his face pressed into the scarlet and gold regal rug by the fire, a mop of long black hair to represent his head. Remus was curled up in a red armchair a few feet away, book in hand and a thin blanket wrapped around him. A cup of tea was spelled into the air beside him, visible steam was coming from the mug in transparent curly strokes.

Sirius propped his face up on his elbows and looked at Remus with eyes that weren’t exactly readable, but it was clear there was pain in them. “What if I don’t want to go with McKinnon?”

Remus finally looked up from his book, an eyebrow raised, and took his levitating teacup with one hand. “Right, as if I believe that,” he said, then took a sip from his tea.

“What makes you think I want to go with her?”

“I see the way you two are with each other. It’s not hard to miss, even James can see it,”

“James knows I don’t like her,” Sirius said firmly.

Remus’ other brow raised, and his head tilted to the side slightly as he once again locked eyes with Sirius. “You don’t?”

Sirius realised that that might’ve sounded bad. His eyes widened a bit and he adjusted his position so that he was sitting criss crossed on the floor. He waved his hands out in front of him. “No no- I do like her-“

“Right,” Remus had looked back down at his book then, tea still in hand. “Well, I don’t see why you’re worrying about who you’re taking to the ball. Even if you don’t take her, anybody’d be lucky to be your date. The amount of girls who you’ve rejected. They’d all be thrilled to be by your side,” he realised he sounded bitter again, but he tried to dismiss it, resisting the urge to go bright red, though he could feel his cheeks getting heated. He ripped his eyes from Sirius’ and looked into the dying fire.

“No, Remus what I’m-“

“It’s late, I should probably go to bed.” Remus said suddenly, rising from his chair, throwing the blanket over one arm of the armchair he was in seconds ago, his mug of tea, not even half drunk, still in his hand. He strode out of the room swiftly, which wasn’t much effort seeing as he was all legs.

Sirius let his arms fall by his sides, and slammed his head back onto the floor, groaning loudly.

I want to take you Remus.

“Alright there Black?” A voice called, presumably from the entrance to the dormitories judging by how far away it sounded, and the fact that he and Remus had been the only people in the common room.

“Brilliant,” Sirius said to the floor.

He heard footsteps approach him, then moments later, he felt the ground shake slightly as someone sat down beside where he was laying. They smelt of lavender and perfume. It was Marlene.

“You sure about that?” She asked as Sirius sat up, his mane of black hair a mess in his face. He took a few moments to neaten it again before he replied.

“Yeah...” He muttered to himself.

“Yeah.” He repeated, nodding. He raised his gaze from the floor to her blue eyes. Her beach blonde hair fell to her shoulders, she wore a lilac nightgown and spotted pyjama pants. “Did you... um... did you want to go to the ball with me?” He asked, feeling his heart sink at the words.

Marlene’s face lit up at the words, her face cracked into a white toothy grin, her eyes sparkled with excitement. She looked beautiful. “I’ve been waiting for you to ask me for months playboy,” she replied.

Sirius moved his gaze from her to the entrance to the boy’s dormitory. He could’ve sworn he saw a glimpse of patchy sweater and tawny hair. But quickly the boy dismissed it as a trick of the mind. After all, he still couldn’t stop thinking about him.

I wanted to go with you.

...

The night of the ball came round in a flash. James had managed to get Lily Evans to go with him. When he first informed the boys of this, Sirius wouldn’t believe it.

“Bollocks!” He had exclaimed. He was seated on the arm of Remus’ armchair at the time. Remus had been in it at the time too. He had been strangely distant to Sirius ever since that night he asked Marlene to go with him to the ball.

It wasn’t until Remus actually asked Lily herself to confirm for Sirius to finally believe it. Once he had, he was crazy excited for his mate.

Peter had snagged a date with Mary MacDonald, surprisingly. Peter had never been one for “fancy dance things” so he quoted. He had always stayed back with Remus, who too didn’t like the concept. But Sirius and James had congratulated Peter all the same.

As far as Sirius, James and Peter knew, Remus wasn’t going. Which disheartened Sirius, but, in a selfish way that he hated, it was relieving. He didn’t know how he’d be seeing Remus dancing with another girl. Even if Sirius had asked a girl himself, instead of him.

The ball commensed in what would usually be the Great Hall, but was at this time, a large space. Half filled with multiple circular tables with four cushioned chairs at each one and an aisle running through the middle, leading out to the other half of the room, which was the dance floor. Due to lack of light shining through the windows at the front of the room, there was only the dim light of the bewitched roof above, which showed a clear night sky, engulfing the room in a faint blue light.

Sirius was in a white shirt and bow tie, and a black coat and pants. His long dark hair was slicked back from his face, showing off his handsome facial features. The girl beside him had her blonde hair done up neatly, and wore a white flowey dress that ironically matched Sirius’ fit. She had a layer of bright red lip stick on and wore a hefty silver necklace. She looked just as stunning as he did handsome.

“Pads!” A voice called out from behind the two as they made their way down the aisle, Marlene’s arm wrapped around Sirius’ forearm. The boy looked behind him and broke out into a grin at the sight of his best mate.

James was in a pair of black dress robes, his hair as untame as ever. Beside him was a beautiful redhead in a deep green dress that fitted her figure perfectly, she looked to be the most happy she had been in the Potter boy’s presence.

“Looking dapper as usual I see,” Sirius called, nodding in approval as he and Marlene stopped, waiting for the couple to catch up.

“Not bad yourself mate,” he replied, nodding back at him.

Lily and Marlene ended up behind the two boys, chatting away as though they were the ones going together. The four turned into a row of tables and chairs, on the hunt for a free table.

“Did you see Moons before you left?” Sirius asked as they moved.

“Last time I saw him he was helping Wormy calm down from a panic attack,”

It was as though James’ words summoned him; moments later a small boy appeared at his side. He was in a pair of beige pants, a white shirt and suspenders. It was a simple outfit, but the blonde wore it exceptionally well.

“This is terrifying,” he mumbled, giving James a scare, who had, by the looks of things, been oblivious to his appearance.

“You look fit Pete, you’re fine,” Sirius reassured the small boy, whilst James ruffled his hair, which he seemed to have put a lot of effort into.

Sirius glanced over his shoulder, a brunette had now joined the girls behind them. She was in a golden dress that flared out at the hips, similar to Marlene.

“Was there always this many people here?” Peter asked as the group finally found a table all together. James and Lily borrowed two from an empty table nearby. Peter and Mary had sat across from Sirius and James, beside James was Lily, and beside Sirius was Marlene.

Soft music began to play in the background as the group talked and laughed together animatedly. All was right.

Except, it wasn’t. Not for Sirius. Without Remus, it seemed like something was missing. Like he wasn’t able to fully enjoy himself. It didn’t occur to him that it was visible, until it was addressed.

“Ooh, I love this song!” Lily had exclaimed suddenly, a few moments after the chatter had died down. She grasped James’ forearm with excitement as she immediately stood up.

“C’mon Potter, you didn’t beg me to come with you to sit around, did you?” She said, challenge in her tone as she raised a brow at the boy, who looked at Sirius as though asking for permission.

“What’re looking at me for mate? You got the girl you’ve been pining on for six years begging for your attention now, shoo!” Sirius gave the boy a shove. And with that his mate smiled at him, before being pulled into the crowd.

“What d’you say Peter? Shall we dance too?” The soft voice of Mary MacDonald called to a very nervous looking Pettigrew boy. The small boy looked to Sirius for reassurance, to which the boy gave him a wink. That seemed to be the confidence he needed, because with that, he was up and making a tracks through the crowd.

It was just Marlene and Sirius there now. Sirius seemed to be looking anywhere but in Marlene’s direction, of whom he knew was waiting patiently for a dance herself.

He was hoping against hope he would come across a tall, tawny haired boy in the crowd, somewhere. Even if it would hurt like hell to see him with a date of his own.

It was then that something clicked. Something clicked that had been waiting to click for years now. Ever since the very first time he felt his heart clench at the sight of his mate in the Hospital Wing. Every night they’d spend in each other’s bed, talking about sweet nothings, Remus completely oblivious to the butterflies in Sirius’ stomach at the closeness, every night they’d spend atop the Astrononmy tower, Sirius talking to Remus about the stars, while he listened intently. Every late night spent in the common room, where Remus would be the shoulder Sirius cried into as they watched his mother’s letter burn in the fire. Every one of these moments, Sirius had felt something different in his heart.

Love.

Sirius was in love with Remus Lupin.

And he had to let him know.

Without a second thought, Sirius got up and delved into the crowd. He heard Marlene get up after him, and once they’d approached a clearing in it, where Sirius glimpsed James and Lily and Peter and Mary slow dancing on the dance floor, Sirius felt a hand close over his wrist. This movement made him whip round to face the owner of the hand; Marlene.

“What is wrong with you?” She asked softly. Sirius merely looked at her, he had stopped in his tracks.

“Dance with me,” she said, almost like a demand. The Black just continued to look at her. Then he shook his head, and walked right past her, down the aisle and out of the Great Hall.

He raced up the stairs, almost falling for the trick step on the moving staircase. He didn’t stop running until he was at the portrait of the Fat Lady, to which he practically breathed the password to, and rushed down the portrait hole.

“Moony?” He called from the common room, strands of his black hair littered his face, and his shirt had untucked itself, but he hardly cared.

“Moons!” He called again, rushing up the stairs to the boy’s dormitories.

“Sirius?” An inquisitive voice replied. Remus was on his bed reading his novel. As soon as Sirius spotted him, he rushed towards him, crashing down on the bed beside him.

“Remus- I...”

“What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be at the ball, you have a date.” Remus cut in, furrowing his brows.

Sirius merely shook his head. “No. I- I wanted it- I want to go with you.”

“What?”

“Moony, will you come to the dance with me?” Sirius asked, looking into the amber eyes of the boy he loved.

“Bit late, isn’t it?” Remus cocked a brow.

“One dance,” Sirius looked at him with pleading grey eyes.

“Why?”

“I had... I realised something. Something I should’ve realised years ago,” Sirius spoke quickly, breathlessly. As he did, he moved closer. Until their faces were inches apart.

“Sirius... what are you-“

The rest of the sentence was cut off by Sirius’ lips crashing into Remus’. It was hot and desperate. It took a moment, but soon enough the young werewolf melted into it, and their mouths began to move in sync. It was like something in that moment clicked for the two of them. Like the final piece of the puzzle fell into place with that desperate, passionate kiss.

Sirius Black was in love with Remus Lupin, and Remus Lupin was in love with Sirius Black.

[rememberstilinski]

The Power of Love - Friendship || Stiles Stilinski (Part Three)

word count: 6,926

warnings: none

author’s note: part three is finally here! part three will be split into two parts bc it would be too long if i put them both together. part three is season 3A of teen wolf while part four is 3B. i hope you guys enjoy this and that i didn’t let any of you down with this! if you want to be tagged in the rest of the series let me know! also shoutout to my love, @were-cheetah-stiles for being a doll and helping me decide on a gif, lmao!

pairing: stiles stilinski / reader

spotify playlist

masterlist

series masterlist

friend

frend/ noun a relationship of mutual trust or affection

“My god!” Y/N squealed as her arms wrapped around her best friend and they swayed side to side. “You have no idea how much I've missed you, Allison!” Allison giggled and Lydia joined in on their hug.

“Look at us, all back together.” Lydia smiled as the girls stayed in their group hug, Allison in the middle.

It had been four months since Lydia and Y/N had seen Allison. After the death of her mother and the betrayal of Gerard, Mr. Argent and Allison needed some time away from Beacon Hills and they spent the whole summer in Paris. Of course the girls skyped, texted, and called each other everyday, but it wasn't the same as spending the summer together. It was the last night of summer and Allison had come back in town a couple days ago, but her and her father had to get settled in their new apartment before there was any visits from anyone.

“Okay, okay. Allison's getting squished.” Allison chuckled, the girls pulled from their hug.

Y/N grinned as her two friends shared their own hug. “We’re so happy to have you back, Alli.”

“Yep! And you owe us many shopping trips.” Lydia added as they pulled away from each other. The girls stood in the parking lot of Allison’s apartment building by Lydia's car.

Allison shrugged. “I'm not opposed to that.” The three girls giggled and got in the car to go where Lydia had already made plans for them, but she hadn't told either of them. She said it was supposed to be a surprise.

Y/N got in the back middle seat, Allison and Lydia sitting up front. “So, where are we going?”

“Well, I met this guy and he was really nice.” Lydia said as she started the car and pulled out of the parking lot, taking off down the street. “He asked if I had plans tonight and I said I did, so he invited some friends so us three could still spend the night together.”

“So it's a triple date?” Allison asked, her brown hair half up half down. That was pretty much the only thing about Allison that had changed this summer, her hair. Guess she just needed something new in her life.

“It's not a triple date, it's a group thing.” Lydia took her eyes off the road, looking at Allison before putting them back on the dark road in front of her.

“Do they know it's a group thing? ‘Cause I told you I'm not ready to dy back out there.” Allison said.

Lydia looked surprise, Y/N saw it in the mirror. “You're were in France and didn't do any dating for four months?” Y/N asked, her eyebrow raised.

“No.” Allison looked back and then to Lydia. “Did you, Lyds? I mean after…”

The strawberry blonde shook her head, cutting off the Argent girl. “Do not, say his name.”

“Is he okay? I mean, did everything work out?”

Y/N chuckled. “The doctors looked like total idiots when he showed up alive.”

“But everyone got over it.” Lydia added. “And yes, Derek taught him the Werewolf 101, like how not to randomly kill people during a full moon.”

“So then you've talked to him?”

Lydia shook her head slowly, looking to Allison briefly. “Uh, not since he left for London.”

“Does anyone else see how funny it is that there's an American werewolf in London? I mean, come on. Like that's not going to be a disaster.” Y/N chuckled. Allison smiled and shook her head, continuing the conversation.

“So you're totally over him?” Allison questioned. Her arm was against the window, her head resting on her hand as she looked at Lydia.

“Would I be going on a triple date if I wasn't?” Lydia snapped, but she wasn't mad. Allison and Y/N both laughed as their friend caught herself give up the truth.

Allison finished laughing before turning to look at Y/N. “And what about you?”

“What about me?” Y/N looked at her nails.

“You and Stiles. What happened with you two this summer?”

Y/N looked from her white nail polish, quirking an eyebrow at Allison. “Why would anything happen with Stiles and I?”

“I saw how close you were that night in the warehouse.” She said like it was the most obvious thing.

“That doesn't mean that we have anything.” Y/N told her. Allison gestured for her to continue. “Fine, we talked like twice this summer. It wasn't anything important, nor worth repeating.” Y/N smirked at her friend because Allison knew that she wasn't getting any more than what Y/N had just told her. Allison rolled her eyes playfully and turned back around in her seat.

“That's what she says now.” Lydia mumbled and stopped at a red light. Allison heard her and started laughing, her smile bright and genuine. It'd been awhile since she was this happy.

Y/N frowned, leaning forward and in between her best friends. “What? Why are you guys laughing?” She asked. A blue vehicle pulling up caught her attention as she looked at Lydia. She saw it was a blue jeep. Not just any blue jeep, but Stiles’ blue jeep. Roscoe, she remembers him telling her one of the times they talked over the summer. Their conversation having been about the repairs he needed on the jeep after running through a wall that night at the warehouse. Her eyes met with Stiles’ whiskey ones. She was surprised to see the buzzcut he wore all of sophomore year was now longer brown locks of hair. She thought it made him look more mature. He looked… attractive. Well, more than he usually did.

Allison had finally realized that Scott was in the vehicle next to her and she began to freak out. She sunk back into her seat and begged Lydia to start driving, even though it was a red light. When Stiles saw her, he smiled and waved at her. He leaned over Scott and it looked like he was going to roll down the window, but before he could the girls drove off.

“You alright?” Y/N asked, leaning back in her seat. Allison nodded and briefly looked back at the jeep. Y/N could see the wheels turning her head and she knew that she was thinking about going back, maybe talking to Scott. After all, it had been four whole months.

“Lydia, stop. We need to go back and talk to them.” Lydia did as she was told and stopped the car in the middle of the road. Y/N looked back and wondered why Stiles’ jeep was stopped.

“They stopped, too. Why would they stop?” Y/N asked before Lydia gave her a pretty good answer.

“It's Scott and Stiles. Do you really wanna try applying logic to those two?”

A deer began to run towards the car, but neither of the girls had noticed until it crashed through the windshield, antlers first. A series of screams erupted from all of them and they hurried out of the car, trying to get as far away from it as possible. Shaken up, Y/N was terrified when she felt a hand touch her lower back. She gasped and turned to see it was just Stiles.

“Are you hurt?” He looked over her, making sure she was okay as Scott asked Allison the same question.

Y/N nodded and rubbed her hands together, attempting to push away the pit feeling she had in her stomach. “I'm fine.” She nodded. Lydia looked at the two, her eyes wide and obviously scared.

“Well, I'm not okay!” She exclaimed. “I am totally freaking out. How the hell does it just run into us?”

Y/N gulped. “I saw its eyes before it hit us. It was like it… it was like it was crazy.”

Scott slowly approached the deer, setting his hand on the animal. “No, it was scared. Actually… it was terrified.”

Lydia slapped her hand on the locker next to Allison’s, startling both Allison and Y/N, who had just walked into whatever conversation they were having. After the accident last night, Lydia’s car got sent to the shop for repairs, so Allison picked her up and brought her to school this morning. Y/N’s car was perfectly fine, so she drove herself to school. The triple date they had planned for last night was cut short and only Lydia attended the date. Y/N and Allison went home, deciding a deer crashing through a windshield was practically an omen.

Y/N smiled as she approached her two friends. “What did I miss?”

“Freshmen. Tons and tons of fresh men.” Lydia hummed with a smile.

Allison chuckled. “You mean fresh boys. Lydia, they're all fourteen.”

Lydia shrugged. “Eh, some are more mature than others.”

“You know, it's okay to be single. Focus on yourself for a little while, work on becoming a better person.”

“Allison, I love you.” Lydia smiled softly. “So if you need to do that thing where we talk about me and pretend we're not actually talking about you, it's fine. But I don't want a boyfriend. I want a distraction.” She looked down the hallway, quirking an eyebrow and smirking. Something had caught her attention. Allison and Y/N looked to see what their friend was looking at it.

“Brothers?” Y/N asked. In walked two boys, black leather jackets and holding black motorcycle helmets.

They looked exactly alike.

Lydia hummed and looked them up and down. “Twins.”

The three friends all happened to have the same first period class. English with Ms. Blake. Apparently, she was a new teacher. The girls walked into the classroom, taking their seats. Y/N noticed Allison had stopped and saw a certain someone, Scott. He looked around nervously, not knowing she would be in this class. “Alli, you coming?” She asked, Allison smiled nervously and followed into the classroom. There was three seats available on the row closest to the window. Y/N sat down in one seat, Stiles on her right, Scott on Stiles’ right. Lydia sat in front of Y/N and the seat in front of Lydia was supposed to be for Allison, but some guy sat down in the seat for Allison could. She looked around for another seat and the only available one was in front of Scott.

She awkwardly asked if she could take the seat, which only received a reply that was just as awkward. Y/N saw Stiles give his best friend a sarcastic thumbs up, a small chuckle came from her in response. The sound of her phone ringing pulled her attention back. She picked up the device to see a strange text from an unknown number:

“The offing was barred by a black bank of clouds and the tranquil waterway, leading to the uttermost ends of the earth flowed somber under an overcast sky, seemed to lead into the heart of an immense darkness.”

A woman walked into the classroom, reading the lines from her own phone. The new teacher. She told the students that this was the last line of the first book they would be reading this year. She also told them it was the last text they would be receiving in the class and to shut their phones off, so everyone did as asked. About ten minutes into class, Scott was pulled out of the classroom so he could speak with his mother while everyone worked on the assignment Ms. Blake had assigned to them.

Y/N sped through the assignment, nearly finished with it. Stiles looked around the room, taking his focus off the assignment before his eyes landed on the person they always landed on, Y/N. He watched her work, the eraser of her pencil on her plump lips as she read the directions, eyebrows slightly furrowed. Her legs were crossed and her hair fell in front of her face. He watched her push it back behind her ear before she wrote something on the paper in front of her. His eyes fell down to a bandage on her ankle.

“Y/N?” He whispered. She slowly turned her head, hesitantly pulling her eyes off of her paper. Her eyebrows raised in question of what he wanted. “What happened to your ankle?”

“Prada nipped me last night.” She shrugged.

“Lydia’s dog?”

She shook her head and put on a sarcastic smile. “Actually it was her designer handbag.” Stiles glared at her. She bit back a smile and nodded. “Yes, her dog.”

“Does he usually bite?” He asked. Y/N shook her head and bit her lip. “Okay, what if it's, like, the same thing as the deer? You know, like, how animals start acting weird before an earthquake or something?”

“So there's going to be an earthquake?”

“Or something.”

Y/N looked back at her paper. “It was just a deer and a dog, Stiles. I'm sure it doesn't mean anything.” A loud bang on the window startled everyone. The students looked at the window to see a red liquid sliding down the glass and a black swarm flying directly toward the window. All of the birds that were flying toward the window eventually broke the windows, the glass shattering as they flew around in the closed classroom. The students began to scream in terror as Ms. Blake yelled, telling everyone to get down. Y/N crawled on the floor, trying to get down as a bird began flapping around her head. Stiles pushed her desk away and brought her into his arms, using his body to cover hers.

All of the birds eventually stopped and some of them dropped dead as the others flew back out the window. The students came up from the ground, their faces all wearing a look of shock. Most of their hair was either messed up or had black feathers in the strands. Stiles held Y/N against his chest as he pulled her onto her feet. Looking around the room, the desks were in disarray, black birds and feathers on the floor and desks.

Once is an accident.

Twice is a coincident.

Three is a pattern.

Allison drove down the road, following the yellow school bus, trying to keep a safe distance away from it. “Am I getting too close? I'm getting way too close, aren't I?” She asked, looking to Y/N who sat in the front seat next to her, Lydia in the back studying.

Y/N shrugged. “Well, that depends. Are you following the bus, or are you planning on mounting it at some point?”

The huntress bit her lip. “Yeah, I should back off.”

“Well, that also depends.” Lydia said from the back seat. “Oh, do you mean the buss or the ex boyfriend you're currently stalking?”

“Well, after what happened, I'm not letting him out of my sight.” Allison said, Lydia hummed in response. “And by the way, this all happened when he came knocking at my door.”

Y/N tilted her head to the side. “For what?” Allison went into explaining how Scott had came to her apartment after he found one of her titanium arrows at the school and how he warned her about staying out of the alpha pack, darach problem they were having. Y/N didn't know much about the supernatural problems that were going on, other than there was an alpha pack in Beacon Hills along with a darach that was making human sacrifices. Stiles refused to tell her anything, still wanting to keep her as far away from the supernatural as possible while still knowing about about it.

After a while of being stuck in traffic, Y/N noticed that Allison was running low on gas. “So is that whole “not letting them out of your sight” thing literal or more of a general rule?” Y/N asked as she looked at her freshly manicured nails.

“Why?”

“You're running low on fumes.” Lydia said from the backseat. Allison groaned as she saw that she was in fact low on gas. “And I'm pretty sure that bus holds a lot more gas than this Toyota.”

“What if we stop?” Y/N suggested.

“Is it really a big deal if we lose them? We know where they're headed.”

Allison shook her head. “You didn't see what happened.”

“I know who started it.” Lydia mumbled.

Y/N turned to look at the strawberry blonde. “Is that what Aiden told you?” She cocked an eyebrow.

“Aiden? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a second.” Lydia leaned forward in her seat. “Is that why you invited me on this whole road trip thing? Oh my gosh. You're keeping an eye on them and me.” She gasped.

“So there's nothing going on between you two?”

“I'm appalled by that insinuation.”

“Nothing?” Y/N asked.

“Nothing.” Lydia confirmed as she pulled out her red tube of lipstick and compact, looking in the mirror as she applied it. A smirk on her red lips. Both Allison and Y/N looked at her, knowing that Lydia wasn't being truthful. She looked at her best friends. “What?” Y/N and Allison turned back around with smiles on their knowing faces.

Y/N read her book as the girls sat in traffic, having been in the same spot for nearly ten minutes. Her phone rang in her purse, Y/N pulled it out, looking at the caller ID.

Stiles.

“It's Stiles.” Y/N announced.

Lydia leaned forward with a smirk as she looked at Y/N. “Ooh, please. Do answer.” She gestured to the cell phone. Y/N shook her head and slid her finger across the screen, answering it and holding it up to her ear. Lydia leaned her closer to the phone, trying to listen to their conversation, she hoped to get something juicy out of it.

“Hey, Stiles! Yeah, we’re just about to walk into a movie, uh, you know, the popcorn and -”

Stiles cut her off, reading through her lie by just her voice. “I know you guys are right behind us. Put me on speaker.”

Y/N immediately obeyed. “Yeah, definitely.”

“Okay, look. Scott’s still hurt.”

Allison frowned. “What do you mean still? He's not healing?”

“No, he's not healing. I think he's actually getting worse. The blood is turning, like, a black color.” He mumbled, sounding disgusted at the thought.

Y/N chewed her lip nervously. “What's wrong with him?” She asked.

“I don't - do I have a PhD in lycanthropy? How am I supposed to know that?” He exclaimed. Y/N rolled her eyes.

“We need to get him off the bus.” Allison told him.

“And take him where? A hospital?” Lydia tilted her head.

Allison nodded. “If he's dying, yeah.”

Y/N remembered the rest stop up ahead. “Stiles, there's a rest area about a mile up. Tell the coach to pull over.”

“Yeah, I've been trying.” He told her, sounding fed up with Coach Finstock.

“Well, reason with him.”

Stiles scoffed. “Reason? Have you met this guy?”

“Stiles, please, just try.” She begged. Stiles eventually agreed and they hung up. Allison smiled in victory when she saw the bus pull into another lane, heading towards the rest stop. The bus was only going to be stopped for thirty minutes. Scott’s condition was psychological. Somatoformic, a physical illness from a psychogenic cause. He wasn't allowing himself to heal because he was still mentally recovering from Derek's death. Allison stitched him up while he was unconscious, Lydia, Stiles, and Y/N outside the bathrooms, making sure no one went in and saw what was happening. Isaac got in a fight with Ethan, Scott exited the bathroom looking much better than before and he stopped the fight before the students got back on the bus.

The girls were still low on gas and figured it would be better to go on the bus instead of in the Toyota. Lydia sat by herself, studying while Allison sat with Scott and Y/N sat with Stiles. Stiles and Y/N began to discuss the darach and everything that was going on in the pack, much to Stiles’ refusal. “Stiles, you can tell me about all of this.” She looked at him, watching him chew on his lip.

“I don't want you to get hurt. It's best to just keep you out of it.” He told her.

“Well my best friends are a huntress and some kind of psychic, Scott is a werewolf. As much you may not like it, I'm a part of it. I'd be safer if I was in the know.” She argued. Stiles sighed defeatedly, nodding in agreement. “So are you going to tell me?”

“All right. Let's go over the sacrifices.” He began to move his hands around as he spoke. “So it's the sacrifices, right? Everything has to do with them and someone who thinks he's, like, a dark druid.”

“Or actually is a dark druid.”

Stiles nodded. “A darach.”

Y/N stayed silent for a little bit, racking her extensive knowledge on ancient cultures to see if she remembered anything about darachs. Finally, she remembered something. “You know, some ancient cultures sacrificed people in preparation for battle.”

Stiles widened his eyebrows in disbelief. “So we got alpha werewolves against a dark druid.” He sighed. Y/N watched his face, practically seeing the wheels turn inside his head. He ran his hand over his face, fingers going through his brown hair. The sunlight streamed in through the windows, making his amber eyes shine and the specks of different colors stand out. For the smallest moment, Y/N got lost in his eyes, thinking how they were the warmest and most beautiful shade of brown she'd ever looked into.

Y/N nodded as she looked away from him, still thinking of his eyes. Of him. “Yeah.”

The pack was spending the night at the Motel Glen Capri. A hotel that lived up to the creepy feeling one would get from the motel. Even looking at the motel was uncomfortable. Coach Finstock had stopped the bus at the motel since the cross country team had missed the meet and needed somewhere to stay for the night. This motel was the only one with enough vacancies for the students. Lydia had stated her bad feeling about the motel as soon as she stepped off the bus and looked at the building. She said a lot of things could happen in one night.

She was right.

A lot of things had happened that night. The hotel seemed to be cursed and it was making all of the werewolves act weird. Isaac, Boyd, Ethan, and Scott were the only who were being affected. They seemed to almost be sacrificing themselves. Y/N and Stiles had saved Boyd and Isaac while Allison and Lydia tried to find Scott and make sure he was okay, but there was no sign of him anywhere.

After saving Boyd and Isaac, Stiles and Y/N met back up with Lydia and Allison. “We can't find Scott anywhere.” Allison told the two as they walked down the stairs to the parking lot.

“It's happening to him to, isn't it?” He panicked.

“It has to be.” Lydia agreed.

Y/N perked up as she remembered Stiles saying something about another flare. “Stiles, you said there was another flare on the bus.”

Stiles nodded as he hopped off the last step of the stairs. “Yeah, I'll get it.” He stopped in his tracks, Y/N walked into him on accident, wondering why he stopped walking. She followed his eyes to where was looking. Scott was standing in the middle of the parking lot, drenched and holding the last flare. The group approached him slowly. Allison was the first to speak.

“Scott… Scott?” He stayed still, the flare ignited in his hands as he shivered slightly. His feet in a puddle of an unknown liquid. Y/N looked around for an idea of what the liquid was before she smelt it.

Gasoline.

The group stood in front of him, waiting for what he would say or do next. He looked so hurt, so broken. His face wasn't in its usual smile as he had an internal battle with himself. “There's no hope.”

“What do you mean, Scott? There's always hope.” Allison whispered, not knowing what would set him off.

“Not for me. Not for Derek.” His voice broke the slightest bit.

The huntress shook her head. “Derek wasn't your fault. You know Derek wasn't your fault.”

“Everytime I try to fight back, it just gets worse. People keep getting hurt. People keep getting killed.”

Stiles shook his head repeatedly before stepping in. “Scott, listen to me, okay? This isn't you, alright? This is someone inside your head telling you to do this.” Stiles’ voice shook.

“What if it isn't? What if it is just me? What if this actually the best thing I could do for everyone else?” Scott asked. Y/N felt her eyes sting with tears, her hand covering her mouth so no sobs would escape. “It all started that night, the night I gotten bitten. You remember the way it was before that? You and me, we were… we were… we were nothing. We aren't popular. We weren't good at lacrosse. We weren't important. We were no one. Maybe I should just be no one again. No one at all.”

“Scott, just listen to me, okay? You're not no one, okay? You're someone, you're… Scott, you're my best friend. Okay? And I need you.” Stiles began to slowly walk towards the werewolf. “Scott, you're my brother. Alright, so,” Stiles stepped into the gasoline, gently reaching out to grab the flare in Scott's hand. “so if you're gonna do this, then… I think you're just gonna have to take me with you. Alright?” Stiles grabbed the flare, Y/N watching him carefully as he grabbed it and threw it away from the flammable liquid. She watched the flare roll towards the gasoline and upon the touch, a big flame grew. She saw it go towards Scott and Stiles and she panicked.

“No!” She yelled, running towards Stiles and pushing him into Scott, away from the fire. Allison and Lydia followed, all five of them falling to the ground as a big explosion sounded from behind them. Y/N fell onto Stiles, their chests touching and their faces inches apart. Her forehead was on his as her eyes were closed. She sighed in relief and slowly opened her eyes to see just how close Stiles was to her. Their noses were barely touching, their minty breaths mingled together as they stared into each other's eyes. “Are you okay?”

Stiles nodded slowly, his hands on her back. His eyes moved down to her lips, her own doing the same thing. As if all time had stopped and it was just them, they began to lean in. Someone cleared their throat and it snapped the two out of their trance. They pulled away, Y/N standing up and shaking her head before offering Stiles a hand to stand back up as well. Stiles smiled gently, thanking her for saving his and Scott's life. The action was small, but it was enough of a thank you, speaking louder than words. Instead of sleeping in the creepy motel, everyone slept on the bus. The seven teenagers scattered around the vehicle, trying to get comfortable in the seats. Y/N slept her own space, slowly falling asleep to the thought of the crazy night she had just had.

Y/N, Lydia, and Stiles walked down a set of stairs getting to their next class, anxiously waiting for news on Jennifer Blake. They were the only three at school. Allison and Isaac with Mr. Argent, trying to find information on Jennifer. Scott had sided with Deucalion after his mother was taken, not knowing how else to defeat the darach. The pack found out Jennifer was the darach, the one making sacrifices so she could defeat the alpha pack. The last set of sacrifices was guardians, parents. She already has Sheriff Stilinski and Mrs. McCall, she needed one more parent and then she would be able to complete the sacrifices. Stiles was on edge, anyone could see that he was freaking out about his father being taken.

Lydia checked her phone and groaned as they stepped off the stairs and into the hallway. “Aiden’s not texting me back.” She continued walking, Y/N following behind her, but they realized Stiles had stopped and they walked back over to him.

“Well maybe we could just go over there and-” Lydia's phone vibrated and she pulled it out of her purse. She looked at the screen, reading the text message as Y/N and Stiles watched her, awaiting the news. “What's going on?”

“It's from Isaac. Jennifer, she took, she has Allison's father.” She mumbled, looking at the two nervously.

“She's got all three now.” Stiles’ breath hitched in his throat, his lungs suddenly felt like they were closing and his chest was heavy.

Y/N turned to Stiles. “Hey, there's still time. We can fix this.” Stiles ran his hand over his face, his hands noticeably shaking. His eyesight started blurring, his eyes struggling to stay open. He started gasping. “Stiles? Are you okay?” She asked, putting her hand on his arm. He turned away from her, looking down the hallway as he tried to stabilize his breathing.

“What is it?” Lydia asked Y/N. “What's wrong with him?” Y/N shrugged and she swallowed nervously, looking back to Stiles.

“Stiles? What's wrong?”

Stiles turned back towards her, his hands moving wildly as he tried to speak. “I think I'm having a panic attack.” He got out, his breathing getting noticeably worse.

Lydia’s phone rung and she answered the call, Y/N still watching Stiles as he struggled to breathe. “Y/N, it's Allison. I've got to go.” She whispered. Y/N nodded quickly.

“It's fine. I'll take care of Stiles, you go talk to Allison.” Lydia nodded and turned away, walking down the hall. Y/N grabbed Stiles’ arm. She pulled him through the hall until she found the door to the boy’s locker room. She pushed the door open and threw her purse on the floor, pulling Stiles’ backpack off and tossing it next to her purse.

“Okay, come on. Come on.” She panted as she brought him to a set of lockers to lean shading them, but he fell into the metal and slid to the ground. Y/N kneeled on the floor in front of him. Stiles was still gasping for air. “Try to think about something else, anything else.” She suggested.

“Like what?”

“Uh, happy things. Good things. Friends and family.” Stiles looked up at her, giving her a look as if he was asking her if she was serious. “Not family. Oh, God. Okay, uh. Try and slow your breathing.” She told him as he closed his eyes and took deep breaths. He had a thin layer of sweat on his forehead and his breaths just got shallower the more he tried to slow them down.

Stiles held onto his chest, Y/N putting her hand on his shoulder as she looked at him, not knowing what to do exactly. “I can't. I can't.” Stiles gasped. Y/N cupped his cheeks and brought his head up to look at her.

“Shh, shh. Stiles, look at me. Look into my eyes. Shh.” She cooed, watching his eyes roam over her face before gazing into her eyes. His breathing slowed the slightest, but he was still breathing heavily. “Shh, Stiles.” She rubbed her thumbs up and down his face, trying to calm him down. She noticed his eyes flick down to her lips before looking back at her eyes. Y/N leaned in and pushed lips onto his, her eyes fluttering shut as her body warmed up. The warmth coming from her chest, right where her heart was, and spreading through her body. Stiles’ eyes widened as her lips moved against his, slowly closing as he moved his lips with hers. The warmth was now in Stiles’ heart. Her fingers ignited his skin as she gently touched his face.

Chapter three. She discovered it was him. It was Stiles. He was prince charming.

That's when it happened. That moment in the smelly boy's locker room was the game changer. The second their lips touched each other, Y/N realized that what she felt for Stiles wasn't just a feeling of friendship. It was more than that, so much more than just friends. No one gets a feeling like the one she did when you kiss just a friend. It felt like time slowed down. Like it was just them. It may have only been just them in the room, but it truly felt like they were the only ones on Earth. All of their problems faded away, even if it was only for a little while. She didn't know what it was or why she felt that way. She  couldn't name what she felt, but the feeling made her pulse race with excitement and fear.

She pulled her lips off of his, pulling away from him slowly. Her eyes stayed close as every moment she'd ever had with him flooded through her mind. When she saw him in the courtyard for the first time. The moment they met and she learned his name. The night of the winter formal when he brought her a corsage. When they danced and the song she would always love played. The ice rink. All of it. All of the memories had more meaning to her than they did when they actually happened.

Her eyes fluttered open and Stiles looked at her, before his eyes moved down to her chest where a light was emitting. She furrowed her eyebrows and looked down, his chest was glowing with a pinkish light. The light shone through his rib cage with each soft beat his heart took and she could see the darkened outline of his bones through his shirt. She realized that her own chest was doing the exact same thing. The glowing in both of their chests slowly died down and various thoughts were running through her head. Why were their hearts glowing? Was that even scientifically possible?

Instead of making things even more awkward, she decided to clear her throats and not mention the glowing hearts. Stiles exhaled, his minty breath hitting her face. His breathing was trembling, but it seemed to be more from nervousness than the panic attack he had earlier. “H-How did you do that?” He asked.

Y/N bit her lip. “I, uh, I used to had panic attacks when I was younger and holding my breath always made them go away. So when I kissed you, you held your breath.”

“I did?” He asked, looking at her in complete awe. He was still in shock that she had just kissed him. The girl he'd been dreaming of for forever shared one of the most intimate moments with him. The glowing was even more confusing. He didn't know what it was. He didn't know if he was so high on her that he was just imagining it or if it really happened. He didn't say anything in fear of ruining the moment.

“Yeah.” She nodded. “You did.”

Stiles sniffled, his eyes glowing in the light streaming in from the window. “Thanks. It was really smart.”

Y/N breathed out a laugh and smiled softly at him. “I don't know. I just didn't know what else to do. And if I was really smart, I would tell you to sign up for a couple sessions with a guidance counselor.

Stiles seemed to realize something, his head snapped up. “Morrell.”

Y/N dumped the last bag of ice into the third tub of water and herbs. Scott, Stiles, and Allison stepped into the back room of the animal clinic. Isaac, Deaton, and Y/N standing around so they could help with the surrogate sacrifices and save their friends’ parents. Lydia would be arriving later. “Alright, what'd you bring?” Deaton asked the three sacrifices.

Stiles looked at the object in his hand. “Um, I got my dad's badge. Jennifer crushed it in her hand, so I tried hammering it out a bit. Still doesn't look great.”

“It doesn't need to look good if it has meaning.” Deaton nodded.

“Is that an actual silver bullet?” Isaac asked, looking at the metal Allison held in her hands.

“My dad made it. It's kind of a ceremonial thing. When one of us hunters finishes learning all the skills to be a hunter, we forge a silver bullet as a testament to the code.”

“Scott?”

The werewolf sighed and pulled the item out of his pocket. “My dad got my mom this watch when she first got hired at the hospital. She used to say it was the only thing in her marriage that ever worked.”

“Okay, the three of you will get in. Each of us will hold you down until you're essentially, well, dead. But it's not just someone to hold you under. It needs to be someone who can pull you back, someone that has a strong connection to you, a kind of emotional tether.” Y/N looked at Allison and smiled, walking towards her. “Y/N. You go with Stiles.”

Y/N quirked an eyebrow, turning to Stiles who looked up at her. She smiled softly before Allison spoke up. “Are you sure? I mean, Scott and I both have to go under.” Y/N realized it made everyone a little tense because Isaac would have to push Allison down and they'd gotten pretty close lately.

“It's okay.” Scott nodded, but it wasn't difficult to see how heartbroken he was that one of his closest friends was with the girl he loved. He walked towards the tubs, not another glance towards Allison and Isaac as he walked past them. The three sacrifices took off their jackets and shoes, stepping in front of the tubs. Allison on Stiles’ right, Scott on his left. Stiles looked at Y/N who was behind him. She offered him a small smile, which he returned. They all shivered and took deep breaths as they got into the tubs of ice water.

“By the way, um.” Stiles looked to Scott and shivered as he spoke. “If I don't make it back and you do, you should probably know something. Your dad’s in town.”

Y/N, Isaac, and Deaton stepped forward, ready to do what they had to do. Y/N set her hands on Stiles’ shoulders. “I'm sorry, Stiles.” She mumbled so only he could hear. He turned around and looked at her. He brought his hand up to her left hand and covered it, turning back around.

“It's okay. I trust you.” He said with a nod. The three all got pushed down, submerging underwater and staying under until Deaton told them to let go.

“What do we do now?” Isaac asked, Y/N still looking at Stiles under the water.

Deaton sighed. “Now, we wait.”

“How long until they come back?” Y/N looked to the veterinarian.

“I don't know, it could be minutes, could be hours. We'll just have to wait.”

Y/N sighed and walked to the waiting room near the front entrance. She plopped down in a chair and let out a deep breath. Her hands were still wet, so she shook her hands a little bit to air dry them. She looked at the ring on her pointer finger. It was just a simple rose gold ring that wrapped around her finger, but it made her think. She got lost in the thoughts of what happened in the locker room earlier that day. The kiss, the glowing chests.

It'd been on her mind all day. He'd been on her mind all day. She couldn't help but wonder why her heart was glowing, why his heart was glowing. It couldn't have been something she'd just imagined. The kiss was real, it felt real. It was for sure real, she knew that much. But the glow, was that real? It had to have been real. The only reason she wasn't sure was because Stiles didn't say anything and she knew he would've had to have seen it, too. Even if it was real, what did it mean? Could it have meant that he loved her with his whole heart and she might've loved him just as much? Did it mean she had just a little bit of his heart, because he had hers.

She wasn't sure about anything except for one thing. Everything changed. It was all different now. She felt something bigger than what words could explain for Stiles Stilinski. When he touched her, her skin tingled, burned. She got butterflies in her stomach and her heart did a back-flip in her chest. Her pulse raced, she got a natural high when she kissed him. She knew that she had to tell Stiles how she felt, there was no way it could all stay bottled up. He had to at least know. But with everything going on right now, it's not exactly the best time to tell him.

She would have to hold off for a while.

[thestudyingwitch]

a cute little ask game

a huge thank you to @burieddaydreams for tagging me! this was so much fun to do during my study break! 

rules: answer 17 questions, tag 21 blogs. (I wasn’t sure if there were specific questions I had to answer, so I just chose the most interesting from here)

1. blush; what was your stuffed animal as a child?

i had a huge white tiger that I named lucky. 

2. bright; mermaids or fairies?

mermaids! the only thing i love more than swimming is not wearing pants. 

3. what are your favorite scents?

i really like soft, fall scents. like vanilla, cinnamon, pumpkin. 

4. cupcake; favorite flower/plant?

lavender! at the house i grew up in, we had a lot of lavender plants in our backyard. they bloomed around may, which is really close to my birthday, so i always had my birthday party there, in the blooming purple rows. 

5. cute; what did you get on your last birthday?

i got a keyboard - the piano kind. i actually got one for my thirteenth birthday, because i really wanted to learn, but it broke about two years ago. so this year i was fortunate enough to get a replacement. 

6. cutie pie; most precious item you own?

the first book in the mysterious benedict society series. it’s a children’s book series that is very special to me. my fourth-grade teacher, who is my fav of all time, gave it to me. my dad, who was working quite often at the time, read it to me, and i won an award for writing a report on it. 

7. cutsie; what makes you happy?

my dog, the sound of rain, the smell of the beach, that time in the early morning when everyone else is asleep and i can hear my dog snoring, long road trips that don’t feel long because of the company you have, finding a song you know you’re going to play on repeat for weeks, pretty notes, organizing stationary, writing, waking up in the middle of the night - too excited to sleep because of something that’s happening the next day, ukeleles, someone thinking of me. 

8. daisies; describe a moment when you felt free.

this is probably such a specific moment, but... 

this past summer, my family went to the beach. the particular beach we went to had a long road that led down a hill to the parking. we happened to get stuck at a light on the top of that hill, and it really hit me that we were so close. the sand that had hardly any people on it; the water that seemed to stretch on for miles; the smell of the saltwater; the sound of the seagulls close by. that moment of excitement was the most unworried i’d felt in a long while. 

9. daydream; how do you want to be remembered?

as someone you can talk to. i know i’m far too shy to may tons of friends, but to the ones i have, i want to be thought as approachable. like you can vent to me, and i can listen. 

or tall, lmao it’s the one thing going for me. 

10. delightful; concerts or museums?

i’ve actually never been to a concert, so i’m going to have to say museum. it’s probably just nostalgia, but i have an affinity towards them. my mom is a huge history nerd, as she used to take me to museums as much as she could when i was younger. 

11. dimples; have you ever written a letter?

i have! in fact, i’ve written quiet a few! i used to have a couple pen pals through school. i’m thinking about trying to find some more because i really miss it. (lowkey if you wanna be pen pals hit me up)

12. dreams; do you want or have any tattoos?

i don’t have any tattoos, but i do want one. on my wrist, i want a silhouette of a knight from a chess set i have. the chess set is from my tía, who’s passed away, and the reason i want a knight is because of a scene in the mysterious benedict society. i’m bad at explaining things, and this post is already long enough, so i won't go into why i wan that, specifically, but that is the tattoo i want.

13. glittery; do you like anons? why/why not?

yes! the anonymity functions that tumblr has is one of the main reasons i stay on this godforsaken platform. i think it gives people who are too shy (like me) a chance to talk to their favorite blogs. 

14. glow; list the top 5 things you like about yourself

my height(i will not shut up about it, thank you), how little i care about what other people think about me, my hair (new and improved lol), how dedicated i become to something i care about, and my growing confidence

15. rainbow; what was the last line of the last book you read?

“The rest of the evening was spent in conjecturing how soon he would return Mr. Bennet's visit, and determining when they should ask him to dinner.“ (from Pride and Prejudice) I just started reading P&P for the first time after years of recommendation from my mom. i think i’m finally old enough to appreciate it. 

16. toot; what is something you find unique about yourself?

i would say how little i think things out - and consider that a good thing. it’s nothing crazy, of course. more like, i’ll decide to change something about myself, and then just... go through with it. like recently i decided i wanted short hair, and then had my mom cut it. just like,,, 10 inches gone within 10 minutes of debate. 

17. wobbly; have you ever wished upon a star?

i have! it was to get a dog. that wish came true, but like 6 years later. 

so that was all about me. the 21 people i tag are just those whose content i really enjoy. 

@rosewatercreek @cassiopedias @moonshinestudies @studying-in-chaos @ginger-biologist-writer @obsidianstudy @studies-of-witchcraftandwizardry @elainestudy @starduststudies @hollstudies @milkteastudies @sprouht-studies @areistotle @scholarly @eintsein @lightarises @granger-thi-ngs @pridebulletjournal @froggy-iced-tea @crneliastreet @utferdstrangblr

[deliverydefresas]

and when she knows what she wants from her time, when she wakes up and makes up her mind...

AAAAH i know this took a century and im really sorry, but i hope you don’t mind mixing these two together + making it part one of another prompt that’s to come xD 

y’all should know by now that this is not proofread lmao

The constant ticking of the clock was starting to get on her nerves.

She’d even lost count of how many times she had sighed and huffed in frustration as she sat on the kitchen isle, waiting for her boyfriend to finally appear through the backdoor. Had she known he’d be late she would have sent Mónica and Amanda away with a more extended list than what she had.

“Hey, this is Simón, unfortunately I can’t speak right now; but please, unless you’re Nico, leave a message and I’ll call you back as soon as I can. Bye!”

“I swear, Álvarez, if you’re not here in the next minute I’ll ditch you and you can wave your girlfriend goodbye.” She dropped her phone on the isle, tapping her nails in exasperation against it. Time was running, and she was sure the employees would be there any minute now. Two minutes passed, and still nothing.

Ámbar was about to call him again, when his voice resonated on the room.  

“Ouch, I won’t even get a kiss? Just a wave?” her eyes flew to her boyfriend’s figure as he crossed the kitchen to her, phone on his ear as he listened to her voicemail.

“You’re late.” She informed him, arms crossed. Simón had the decency of smiling guilty at her.

“I’m sorry, baby. Last minute re-dos of a song went longer than expected.” He got closer, arms dropping on her thighs, “don’t be mad, I’m here before Mónica and Amanda, aren’t I?” he pouted, tilting his head enough so his lips could rose hers and kiss her.

Ámbar, however, turned away, “not here,” she hissed, and looked around to make sure no one was in the room. Simón laughed.

“You’re cute when you worry.” He said, kissing the tip of her nose, loudly. His girlfriend rolled her eyes, and pushed him away to get off the kitchen isle; then turned to him accusingly.

“I told you to be here before six! It’s almost six thirty, Simón!”

The boy’s pout came back, “I didn’t mean to, babe, I swear.” Ámbar didn’t tone down her glare, “Love, don’t be mad at me,” he puckered his lips even more, she still was having none of it, “little gem.”

He stared at her, puppy apologetic eyes and pout in full force; until, finally, she huffed away her glare. “Let’s go.”

Simón winked, taking her left hand on his right, leaning in for a quick kiss on her cheek before she leaded them to her room.

No matter how many times he’d entered her bedroom the last six months; Simón still got surprised at how girly and just plain Ámbar it really was. It was big, two times the size of Luna’s room downstairs; and, from the soft pink walls (who, he’d found out, were pink since the day she moved there), the white furniture with hints of gold and blue; the fancy dressing table and mirror, to the pretty decent sized closet and rows of shoes and skates, the whole room screamed Ámbar to him.

His favorite part, however, were the framed pictures she had all over the room; especially those that showed a younger Ámbar, all cute and adorable looking. He also knew she had one of them hiding on her bedside table, taken on one of their early dates by Jazmín, away from everyone else’s eyes but hers. Part of this because it was essential that her godmother didn’t find out about them, and the other because she liked to be selfish about their relationship and not really show it to the rest of the world.

Within the minute they were in, he flopped down on her bed, waiting for her to sit down beside him.

She didn’t.

Instead, she stood in front of her bed, arms crossed, and frown glued to her face. He sighed, knowing well what was coming.

“If this is about me being late, again I’m really, really, really, really sorr-”  

“It’s not about that,” she interrupted him, “it’s about my godmother.”

Simón got serious immediately, “is everything okay? What did she do now?” Ámbar smiled a little.

“You’re very cute when you’re worried,” dropping her arms on her sides, she joined him on the bed. Simón wasted no time to sit down properly, and arranged their positions so she would be between his legs, encircling his arms from behind her.

“You’re joking; so, it’s nothing bad, then?” He felt her sigh.

“Yes, and no.” Her answer was vague, so he tilted his head enough so he could be see her face a little better, “but I don’t want to talk about this yet. How was recording?”

He respected her wishes, so he nodded, “it was very, very slow. Pedro and I had to re-do some vocals that for some reason got erased from yesterday’s session, and Nico wasn’t any help. He kept changing tones until I told him to pick one and stick with it.” This got him a smile.

“Look at you, being all sassy. Who are you and what did you do to my sweet and innocent boyfriend?”

“You took the beanies off and boom! New Simón!”

She gasped, “I took the beanies?”

Her boyfriend shrugged overdramatically, “I’m sure you’re the one who stole them from me, you can admit your crime now. You loved them so much you just had to have them.”

“I cannot believe you.” Her body shook in laughter, making him smile widely. He really, really, really liked having this effect on her. Making her laugh, relax, be herself without a worry from the world; he treasured this more than anything.

“Don’t think I didn’t recognize my white beanie when we went ice skating weeks ago, love.”

“That was only one! And you gave it to me because I was cold!” she slapped his hands lightly, in a joking manner.

“You still kept it.”  

He knew she had. It wasn’t that he’d lost his beanies altogether, no, but that he’d accidentally put chlorine once when washing them, and now they were all sort of… unwearable. The only one that got saved had been his white one, and she’d kept it so he was left with no beanies (he knew she was already planning on giving him new ones for their monthversary or however it was called, so he was in no rush to get new ones) for a while.

“I did.”

They were quiet for a moment. He was sure she was preparing herself to tell him whatever was on her mind; she wasn’t one to keep quiet about her feelings with him, not anymore. She would take her time, maybe go around the bush a little, but never actually stayed quiet about it. Ámbar couldn’t hide the truth that well when he was around.

“Simón?”

“You’re ready to tell me what’s on your mind, little gem?” he asked softly, taking away one of his hands from her waist to rub small circles on her back.      

“I’ve been thinking about her, and about us…” he stopped moving, his back tensing as soon as those words together left her mouth.

“You’re not breaking up with me, are you?”

She blinked.

“No?” Tension left Simón’s body and he sighed in relief, and went back to rub her the small of her back, “I’ve been thinking maybe, I don’t know, maybe it’s time we tell her we’re dating.”    

“Now?”

Ámbar blinked again, “well, obviously not right now, you fool.”

He chuckled a little, “I know that, what I meant to ask was; why now? What made you change your mind about her knowing if we’re dating or not?”

She let her head drop on his shoulder, “I just, I think maybe it’s time. I’m tired of hiding in my own house,” Her blue eyes caught his brown ones, “I’m tired of being a coward, of being controlled by her even when she doesn’t know she is doing it. I’m just tired of it all.”

Simón studied her for a minute. Her face looked the same, but there was something in her eyes that he’d never seen before; something that made his heart flutter with warmth.  He separated himself from her, and changed their positions so now she was sitting in front of him; face to face. One of his hands cupped one of cheeks softly, while the other held her hand in support.

He got closer, close enough so their lips were mere millimeters apart, and whispered, “I’m so proud of you, little gem.”

She stopped breathing, anticipating a kiss. At the last second, he changed his course, and instead of kissing her lips, he kissed her shoulder… and then moved her hair aside and began a trail of butterfly kisses up to her neck. He was sure it tickled her so, before she could start giggling, he covered her mouth with his.

His stomach turned somersaults of excitement while one of her hands buried itself in his hair and the other stroked his cheek.

It was all nice… until Amanda opened the door on them.

They both jumped off each other, Simón being careful not to send Ámbar flying off the bed in the process. Amanda stood the door, her mouth opening and closing like as if she were a fish, and hadn’t he been embarrassed enough, he’d laugh at her surprised face.

“What are you doing, Amanda? Don’t you know how to knock?” his girl shrieked, her usually pale face as red as a tomato. He could feel the heat on his cheeks, so he was sure he was blushing too.

“I’m so sorry, Ámbar! I came to check if you wanted to join us for dinner and-”

“And you didn’t think you could knock?!”

The house keeper was mortified, too, “I swear I did, miss, but you didn’t answer and the door wasn’t locked so I thought-”

His girlfriend’s red face turned to him, “you didn’t lock it?!” her hiss was enough to make him gulp. She glared at him, warning him he was going to get an earful as soon as they were alone again.    

“What is this scandal? What’s taking you so long with Ámbar, Amanda?”

Color drained from all of their faces. Ámbar cursed under her breath, her eyes glued to the door behind Amanda. Said woman looked as if she was scared for her life, and he was sure she was praying she wouldn’t get fired for this.

Simón could only think one thing.

“We’re so screwed.”  

[x-avantgarde]

SHINee World V - Hong Kong Experience!

So hello everyone owo I went to Shinee's World V, Hong Kong stop's concert!! (This is a Kpop post, I know but I will be back for vkei in the future! So please stay tuned!!) :D I bought the tickets really late orz and so before I start, I would like to apologize because I don't really know SHINee that well (I know them but I wasn’t a Shawol or anything) and I went because my mom likes Taemin (and SHINee) a lot XDD  (beware of this long ass post haha (it’s 2000+ words orz)

So we arrived at the venue at around 2pm? The merchandise opens at noon but I had this lesson that ends at noon so... We had lunch before we went to the venue (and the place is super far lol, but it's super close to the airport). Me and my mom took the airport express line from Kowloon (Elements?) to Asia World Expo and it was actually pretty quick (~20mins?). But the fare was super expensive OTL (though you get a discount if you show them your concert ticket).

There were A LOT of people lining up for the merch when I got there, but I wanted to get the light stick so badly (because I don't have one? XD) so I just lined up (like whatever haha). The line was super long, the merch was outside but the lines looped into the area where the standing went and waited. Around 30mins in the line I met people from my school lmao XD (so awkward bc we're actually not close?).

There were these people who approached us and asked us when we were in the line about whether we wanted light sticks or not (because they had "a bunch"). It was super fishy so I didn't get any, there were many cases in Kpop concerts where people sold fake light sticks :/// The official ones sold at 80HKD each but those people sold it at 60HKD each :////

After approximately two hours and fifteen minutes, I finally managed to get the merchandise :D Around halfway through the line, the staff gave us this sheet to write down what we wanted. In the end, I spent around 500HKD lmAO. I told myself I would only get the light stick and that was it, but you know what? I ended up getting an Onew fan, Onew key chain and these postcards (rip my money haha but it was so worth it). The Onew key chain is super duper cute!! owo (and yes my favourite member is Onew ouo)

It was around 4pm when we finished getting our merch, so me and my mom decided to go into this (kinda bad) cafe / restaurant place to sit down and eat something. I didn't eat anything because I literally just ate lunch three hours ago X"D Around 4:15, people were starting to line up. There are two places where you can go into the venue, one is on the ground floor, (for people in standing (who already got in) and people from the seating (block 5-13 (aka every block)) in the first rows. (A-M)). I was in block 10 row L so I had to get in on the ground floor.

Around 5:00 we went to line up and get ready to get in. The security was super strict and there were these Japanese girls in front of me who got cut off because they found a camera (but the girl said she went to disneyland and that's why she bought it). They took super long T___T until they finally managed to check my god damn bag. I bought a small-ish backpack but they literally took out everything T______T I understand that they didn't want any cameras inside the venue and stuff, but... uhhh really???

Me and my mom managed to get in, and we walked up the stairs (finally) and found our seats!! :))) On our seats, there was a pack, which included an balloon, a fan (double sided with a member's face) and this banner in Korean //orz what does it mean haha//. I got Key's fan so it's okay /but ugly sobbing because I didn't get Onew T_T/.

It was supposed to start at 6pm but they were super late (because Taemin had this earpiece problem so he kept apologizing during the introduction / first MC T___T (like CHILD ITS OK (let me give you a hug lmao). When the fans sat down, it felt super unreal, and it all felt like a dream. When the lights dimmed and we started screaming and chanting, "SHINEE! SHINEE! SHINEE!" They played a video (to our disappointment haha).

After that Shinee cAME OUT :DD They started with the song Sherlock and it's super good XD But I didn't warm up yet so I was kinda stiff and I didn't scream and all. (For some reason, I felt super awkward). But I was waving my light stick, just enjoying Shinee performing :))

The next song was Married To The Music and I was starting to get more hyped :) I lowkey sang along XDD I think they came out in suits or something (i forgot orz). Then the next song was Juliet (and the chorus is so catchy?!?!) After these three songs, it was MC timeeee! ^^ they started talking about how they haven't been to Hong Kong for a long time (around four years??) so they were really happy to be back. Key mentioned about how HK food was really good or something haha.

(Starting from this part, the order of the songs are going to be all messed up). They changed clothes somewhere after the MC or something like that (they changed way too often!!). I got more warmed up as Reply came up :DD Everyone sang along to it (and dude it's so good hahaha). You know how people would scream when a member's part comes up? That was me when Onew's part came up XD But it felt like I was the only Onew fan in my section because when Onew sings there were nearly NO ONE screaming T__T (It felt lowkey awkward because I would only be hearing my screams hahaha).

Then midway they changed into casual and I swear, Key looks SO GOOD in real life. During Lucifer, I was so hyped hahahaha. Key took off his white jacket because it was "too stiff and too hard to dance in it", and also he was like, "I look better without it". OMG XDD And guess what was underneath his jacket? A grey sleeveless shirt. SLEEVELESS. HE LOOKED SO GOOOD OMG. XD In the middle of the setlist /forgot which song orz/ he made the hand heart and it got onto the mini screen on the side. I got /shot/ in the heart owo.

THIS IS THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE CONCERT FOR ME HAHA. OKAY. During some song, Minho winked and gave this smooch towards the crowd OMG. AND IT WAS LIKE WINK THEN AIR KISS. /DIES/ WHEN HE DID THAT, I LITERALLY SPAZZED OUT ON MY SEAT HAHAHA, I WAS LIKE 'WHAT IS LIFE?' (He is so extra?!?! X"D)

In the middle of the setlist, (ESPECIALLY DURING Everybody), I got super duper hyped and screamed like crazy whenever it was Onew's part X"D (and also when their choreography was super cool). LIKE WHO CARES, I'M HERE TO HAVE FUN BITCHES XD During Everybody, these Japanese girls (again XD ikr, they have a lot of Japanese fans haha), also got super hyped XDDD Even though we weren't supposed to film, no one honestly gives a shit? (including me lmao). I filmed for around 30s in total XD (just to document the hype and it's the only thing I can hold onto after the concert T_T (other than the merch)).

They also performed Why So Serious, 1 of 1, So Amazing, View (that was aWESOME), Ring ding dong (the crowd was so high XD (including me hahaha)), Prism, Feel Good (CLIMAX OF THE CRAZINESS HAHA), Shift (don't really remember anything XD (except the fact they performed this song). The atmosphere was so awesome!! :))

In around the first quarter? Two members changed first, then the others went. Key, Minho and Taemin stayed first X"D Minho or Key was like, "I'm wondering if any of the members off stage are eating right now (referring to Onew and Jonghyun)" XD Then Onew and Jonghyun came back, wearing silk material / soft / shiny fabric clothes :DD it was so cool haha. (I think they also performed Dream Girl but I don't remember what happened T_T).

(I'm listening to SHINee's songs while typing this up so ahahahahaha) They sang a lot of the slower songs during that silk material clothing part XD (whatever you call it haha). Onew and Jonghyun also sang a duet-- Please Don't Go. This song was so touching and T_T //feels// Onew's voice was so sweet <333 /melts/ (Jonghyun's voice is also good <33) Hopefully Jonghyun's not sick or anything because he struggled a lot with hitting the high notes T___T especially during the duet and Replay QAQ

During Feel Good, oh my... oh my... The lyrics in the chorus, "I can make you feel good" X"D Everyone sang along in that part and I was kind of hesitant but I GAVE UP. So I also sang along and that was sooooo fun. This was one of the songs I like hahahaha. Though I wished they performed Tell Me What To Do because Jonghyun's voice in that song is GREAT.

There were a lot of Key and Taemin fans hahaha. Whenever it would be Key or Taemin's part, girls in my section would be screaming ahahah (like me in Onew's part X"D). And Onew's smile just melts my heart ouo Taemin also did a solo performance, he performed Sayonara Hitori (in Korean). His costume was so cool (there were these ribbons(?) that are sewn onto his sleeves, so whenever he spreads his arms it would look kind of like wings :D There were also these long stripes of red fabric hanging from the ceiling. There were also smoke(?) in the floor to make it even more dreamy <33 When my mom heard that song, she shook my arm excitedly and said, "This is my favourite song from Taemin!!" /lmao/ It was super cool and I enjoyed every single second of it /and I lowkey sang along because it's so good hahaha/

Skipping to Aside!! It was actually when we were supposed to blow up the balloons (which had led lights inside of them). I struggled a lot (because honestly I've never successfully blown a balloon before... until now XD) but the crowd looked super good because of the flashy balloons :DD Even Jonghyun was thankful for what the fans had prepared :DD (because he mentioned it in the ending speech).

Skip skip skip, time for chanting the encore! The fans actually started singing happy birthday (in Korean) to Shinee (as it's nearly their 9th anniversary!) ^_^ Every time we want to start over again (by singing happy birthday), we would all laugh as we don't know when we should start singing again haahaha (if it makes any sense XD). They came out in the moving carts (LIKE FINALLY?!) and the crew played So Amazing in the background. I really wanted to get one of their signed balls (that sounds wrong LMFAO /i'm sorry/) but I didn't manage to get one T_T because Onew and Jonghyun actually tried throwing some to my section but they didn't manage to throw it pass the crew (bc the crew was sandwiched between my section + the moving carts) OTL

/HIGHLIGHT NUMBER 2/ Since Minho was the only one on his cart, he actually stopped in front of my section (directly in front of me) and did the hand heart (like the one you make the heart with your arms + head??) towards my section XD I cried ahaha, and you know what? Before I knew it, MY HANDS AUTOMATICALLY DID AN ARM/HAND HEART BACK TO HIM. HE WAS SMILING SO BRIGHTLY OH MY GOSH. (No one in front of me did a heart back so it's actually possible he might have seen me in the corner of his eyes /dies from happiness/ /but it's okay if he didn't actually see me because giving a heart towards my section is already good enough <333/)

They did the ending speech and they reminded us to support Key's new drama <33 Shinee also told us that they will be back soon (isn't that what all the overseas idols say lmao). And it ended! I was so sad T___T they played a video (or some MV /i forgot/) and in the end the screen said "Thank you and love you" XD It was really touching but my mom had to ruin the moment and said, "Yeah, more like thank you and love your money" LMAO.

It was such a great experience and I have definitely fell in love with Shinee :D (who wouldn't if they attended Shinee's concert haha). It was so different from Visual Kei's lives and I might be doing a comparison in the future so please stay in touch with me! <3

[tijuana-blues]

I waited until i got to work to type this.

The end of this month crosses the 1 year mark. only one year ago my world was completely different, and on the Verge of Collapse. A little backstory is needed before i continue.

Yesterday was a normal Tuesday for me. Work didnt stress me, no problems arose. My parents texted me and my brother to eat steak for Dinner. The Food was delicious, and i was preparing to head home, hit a Nice Big Dab, play a round of Smite, and hit the sack, seeing as how i hadnt slept in over 24 hours, and the only thing fueling me was the Gram of Coke i bought on Monday lol.

So as i Get up to Put away my dishes and say goodbye, i get a FaceBook Message. Its my Cousin, Isaiah.

He says he got into an Argument with his dad and got kicked out. He needed somewhere to sleep for the night. 

Sure, I tell him. I cant just ignore him if he has nowhere to go. He meets me at my house 5 Minuets later with a backpack full of beer, a bottle of Vodka, and half a loaf of bread and sandwhich meats. My Cousin is crazy lmao, he has the Apache Blood in him more than me. Anyway, since hes staying, i ask if he can find some Wax, so i wouldnt be taking from my Brothers Stash. We meet up a half hour later and pick it up.

so were in my garage, passing the rig back and forth while i Showed him how Smite Worked. And then suddenly he pulls a rolled up baggie out his pocket.

A rolled white Baggie full of powder.

“well we can finish this off, then. since youre letting me Crash here.”

Im not one to ask for payment to crash at my place, but i wasnt gonna say no either lol.

he pours it out on the glass i had been using myself and began to chop it fine with the razor blade i used too.

i had taken a couple pretty good sized dabs in quick order, so i was pretty toasted when he handed me the glass and rolled up dollar. I only saw the 2 lines he had cut on it, so i just assumed he cut two for both of us and i was going first. So i just aim the dollar at the line on the right and Snort away, dragging the dollar quickly, then my Nostril Burst into Flame. I had made a mistake, he cut one line for Me from the PILE on the left.

The PILE i just Tornado’ed up my nose, and was now drinking water to keep my throat from going numb from the river of coke mucus running down it.  I hear my Cousin laughing next to me.

“youre a maniac, Cuz! you railed that whole Fat ass pIle!”

Well Fuck. so much for sleeping. Lighting Coursed through my Veins 5 minuets later, and i started drinking Beers to fight the Drip.

Now Isaiah told me that it was Good Shit, but i hardly take his word for it Nowadays. hes off mark most of the Time. Not this time, Though.

15 Minutes Later im Chainsmoking Cigarettes out front of my Driveway Drinking beer and my Jaw was shaking in my Head.

You know its  Good Shit when it makes someone who spent the last 24 hours doing Coke often, gives him the Jabber Jaw.

me and Isaiah just began to talk bullshit into the NIght. at Around Midnight he was talking about a girl he knew for awhile now liking him. And him liking her too but he didnt think a Relationship would be good at the Time.

Then Youre Face appeared in my Head. Like it always does. I havent Gone a day yet where i dont see you in my head.

I dont know what caused this, Perhaps it was the Coke in my System with the Beer. Or Maybe it made me finally push past my Insecurities.

i Began to talk about how i Felt the Same, how i couldnt really talk to other women or really want to because of the Luggage i was Still Carrying with My Ex, Maria.

And from there i began to talk and Talk and Talk. I couldnt Stop, the Words i had been saying in my head Every day this Past Year came out.  I sat in my Garage all night Long, Until 5:00 AM, Talking to Isaiah About Her.

I didnt hold back, and surprised myself as my eyes stayed dry and my Voice Stone Cold.

I told HIm about How every Woman i ever Dated All Cheated on Me and Left me without a Second Glance.  About How My First Girlfriend Megan roped me into a 3 year Lie and ruined my trust in people. I talked about how the girls i dated afterwards all did the same thing, and how i wished i was joking to him.

I told him about how i blamed myself for each failed relationship, and how id spend nights trying to figure out a way to fix myself. How i felt like i wasnt meant to be Happy with anyone and how i stuffed it all down deep and dealt with it only in my most private moments.

...And Then i told him about How I Met her in my Junior Year of High School. The Class was Anatomy, a class full of 24 teenagers with the worlds Laziest Teacher. It was the First Day, and I walked in to a semi empty classroom with kids walking around, picking out a seat for the rest of the semester. the desks all faced forward, in groups of twos in four rows across. I took a seat on the outside Left side around the Middle. I just dropped my Bag and sat in my Seat, waiting for the class to start, checking my phone every now and Again. 

And the seats began to fill up, the Desk next to me taken by a Tall Nerdy looking kid with blonde hair and Garth Glasses, A KId i Befriended. Daniel Butttruck. Thats not how you spell the last name but thats how it sounds lol. So i named him Butt Truck and thats his name to this day lol. 

The Chair in front of Daniel on the right was taken by a Friend of Daniels, A glasses clad Girl name Aly, And all you need to know about her is that she has a IQ just North of a Bedroom Slipper.

And lastly, A Girl In crutches slowly approached the chair in front of me, and slid into the Chair as the class started. She had a big black velcro Boot strapped to her Leg, and it stuck out into the walkway on our left a bit. She had Dark Hair that was cut into a really cute short style. At first i didnt really notice her until a few weeks into the semester where the Teacher flipped the front two desks around, making Pods of 4. So Now She Faced me and Aly faced Dan on the right. 

Thats When i noticed her.

She had Brown Eyes that shone slightly, like Fine Wood Tarnished to a Dark Brown Mixed with Lighter Browns. Her nose was a small little Button Nose between her prominent Cheekbones that raised when she smiled. She didnt Wear much Makeup, or at least looked like she didnt. I remember to this day about how i would see her smile and laugh a bit as we all got comfortable as a group, me cracking Jokes and being dumb some days, with Days. As time passed i began to Notice her more. I began picking her out in the hallways as i walked to class. Sometimes I would say Hi and see her reaction.She was like me in some ways, wasnt a morning person, and had the same sense of Humor. I remember the time Dan Told us about how he Broke his Leg at Blizzcon.

Yeah, if youre not 12 years old, Dan was the Kid who Broke his Leg in like 2006 at Blizzcon Dancing like a Zombie. He was on Tosh.O or was going to be? ill ask him next time i see him lol. Anyway, hes telling us this story and Maria and I are Freaking Out because we realized he is Internet Famous, and Laughed Like Crazy.

Soon enough, I went from saying hi when i saw her to stopping by her morning class to say hi and chat, since my morning class was down the hall from hers, then sometimes wed walk toward our next class. Mind You, i Was a Junior at 17-going on 18, and Maria was two years younger than me. I never tried to flirt with her, but i enojoyed talking to her. I remember clearly One Winter Morning as i walked in from the Bus Lanes to my Morning Government Class, I see her standing by her Morning classroom, i dont remember what it was. She had her phone and was tapping away on it. I quickened my Pace as i passed her, and called out, “Maria!” she popped her head up and looked at me, and i Flipped her off. She gave a look of Confusion and laughed, walking into her classroom as the bell rang. I remember giggling to myself as i sat down, then asking myself, “Why the fuck did i do that for?? Idiot!”

That was the beginning of my Senior Year, Graduated 2011. We didnt have much contact after i Graduated, while i did the little schooling i did do, and work at that God Awful Produce Factory that first year out of High School.It wasnt until about a year or so later, when i started my job at Wal-Mart and Moved in with Christian. i remember it being Spring When i Saw Her Again. I Was collecting carts to put back in the cart corral, when i heard a Girls Voice Call my Name out in the Parking Lot.

I look out towards Barros Pizza in the plaza and i saw her Again.

It was a Bright Sunny Day, Not too Hot yet in the Summer. Her Hair had grown a bit longer, but still had its shape. She wore a Bright Yellow SunDress with Sunflowers on it. I remember how Cute i thought it was on her. I remember this moment so clearly because it was in that moment i felt something inside my heart. Like a Spark running through it.

I smiled and walked out to meet her, she had two of her other friends with her, they had been eating at Barros. Maria Hugged me and Asked me how i had been, and i told her about how i started working there and i live on my own now, looking into colleges. We chatted for a few minutes before i had to go back to work. I asked for her number to text with and, she walked off. As i went back inside i remember the times in Anatomy with our little group, and how i used to enjoy chatting with her. it also made me Remember the day i flipped her off, Years ago. As i lay down in bed that night, I remember thinking of her and telling myself, “you know, i think she would be an awesome Girlfriend.”

Months Passed and i hadnt had much Contact with Maria. I had my own problems at the time and i remember that period of my life to be so unstable i didnt want to date a girl and Live there lol. But i would text her every now and then and wed talk for a bit. I remember her dating someone at the time, and living with them. One Night in Particular I noticed she was posting on Tumblr and it seemed like she was Upset. So i Texted her and asked if she was doing alright. She said she was fine, but shes too much like me, i say that just to get people to leave me alone. I text back that she can talk or vent to me, that i didnt mind. And she did. She began to talk about her Relationship with her BF and how they rarely see each other because of work schedules and School. She told me she was thinking of just packing her things and leaving while he was at work. I told her, “Do what you have to do. if you arent happy, why are you there?”

i texted about a week or so later. She left him. She Began talking about moving to Portland With a Friend, and Getting out of AZ. I remember being bummed out at the news, my feelings for her had began to grow. I decided to step away for awhile, let those feelings go away. It must have been around 3 or  4 months later, or longer? But anyway, i see her posting on Tumblr Again, and i send her a DM asking how shes been, and if she moved to Oregon. She replied back and said her Friend Flaked, and that she really didnt want to go anyway. She says to text her, and i Ask for her Number Again. 

From then on, we talked semi often every couple days, more and more often as time passes. Finally, one Day i ask her to hangout sometime, go to the arcade, play air hockey. We had been talking pretty often by then, but no obvious flirting or anything. We meet up at the arcade and we take turns playing different games, Giant Connect Four, Air Hockey, Ticket Games. She bought me a little T rex with her tickets, i named him Revan. Then we just sat on a couch and People watched those who walked in. I remember feeling her arm against mine as we sat together, and Me leaning in Quickly and kissing her cheek, and Seeing her Smile.

About 4 or 5 more little Dates Later, I ask her if she would be serious, because i wanted to be.

Her Face Brightened as i saw her give the biggest Smile i ever seen from her, and she said Yes.

I told Isaiah how as the first year passed, i had been drunk off the happiness i had at the time. As i learned more about Maria, the more attractive she was to me. She is unlike any woman ive ever met before, or have met since. I told him about how i talked about her to my friends all the time, how smart she was, how she volunteered at a Funeral Home Embalming Bodies and playing with Corpses like a Badass. 

Then came my 22nd Birthday, on the first year we were dating in 2014. I didnt even want a present from her, she was all i wanted any day. I dont know why i never told her things like that. She Baked me Fudge Brownies after work on the week of my birthday, and i was more than happy.

Then she pulled a box out of Nowhere, Smiled That Warm Smile i Had come to Adore, and Said “Happy Birthday Babe!”

Before that Moment, i Cant recall a time that i was genuinely Surprised like that. I remember the words stopping in my throat and jumbled with the ones i had tried to say Next. Genuine Excitement as i opened the Long Brown Box. I opened the top flap and pulled the Styrofoam Casing to the Rectangle stick inside, Bright White with a Black Line going Down along the Length of it. And inbetween the space in the Line at the Hilt, Was the Red and White Sigil of the Uchiha.  

A fucking Uchiha Sword! Like i was in actual Disbelief when i Realized. And what i explain next i never told anyone other than Isaiah that night.

I had to Try my Hardest to keep from Crying in that moment. Not because i loved the Gift she had gotten me, and how she made it a surprise, Something no one has done for me before. 

It was because i remember a couple weeks before,as we scrolled Netflix one evening, i Saw Naruto on the list. I geeked out and asked you if you ever watched it, and began geeking out about it to her. I Made her watch some of my favorite episodes, and she would playfully Tease me about it. As My birthday neared, i came home from work one day to watch some Naruto Myself, and Booted up Netflix.

Someone went about 4 episodes ahead of where we Left off Last. I was at Work, and it was her Netflix Account. She actually started watching it because of how much i told her i liked it. Then She picked out something SHE thought i would like, instead of asking what I wanted like My Lazy Ass does.

No one had ever shown interest in Me like that before, and it touched me right in that moment. I blocked all emotion and was all smiled as i Hugged her Maria and told her how much i loved it. That thing was glued to my hip for like 2 months straight, i would get high after work and watch old Samurai and Ninja Movies, and act out the sword fighting with it. I even slept with it for the first Week.

In the days after that, i saw Maria in a whole new Light. I always knew the Maria who had her walls up to Anyone, the “i really dont care,” attitude she had when she was grumpy in the mornings. I got a glimpse at the Maria That was Behind that wall, The Real Maria.

Who Was sweet, considerate, and Generous. Loving and who could make me laugh.

Ever since that i saw that small glimpse of Her, My heart swelled and pumped blood thrice as hard, and my hands would shake and my mouth would get dry.

I was Falling in Love with you.

Hours have Passed, its Around 2 AM. The Line of Coke has me at Full Speed still, having plenty to say still. Isaiah just sits and drinks, giving the odd acknowledgement every couple of Sentences.

The months after my Birthday have passed, and things seem great between Maria and I. If i only knew what i know now.....

If i had just Put more Faith in You, and in my Heart. It Kills me to know how things would be if i had just manned up and told you how you made me feel....

After the first year, the strain began. We both worked. I had the accounting Job with the Contracting Company, and Maria was Working at a local Kids clothing store, and Volunteered at the Funeral Home, Along with her classes, AND she tutored.

i understood she had a full plate alot of the the time, not to mention the headaches and pains she would have. And that time of the month the poor girl was in pain Constantly.  So i didnt get upset or mad when she didnt have time to visit or was too tired from work. we were always talking.

But eventually the Strain and My past would come to Signal the End. it was August, 2015. My brother had fallen Behind on his Mortage Payments on his house, and needed to make a payment ASAP or he would lose the House. Naturally i gave him all the spare cash i could to keep a roof over our heads.

Unfortunately, It left me Penniless during the Month of August, which Marias Birthday was in.  I Felt Like Complete Shit but i was in a corner. I apologized to her and promised to make it up to her. It wasnt a big deal to her, but i just hated that it made me look like i dont give a shit. 

I had an Ace an hole, Though. i Saved a link to a site that makes Custom Rings that Maria had posted in Tumblr that she really liked and wanted. I ordered it and did it early enough to get it before Christmas.  It was already Too Late.

Maria was beginning to grow distant, not replying as soon or as often before. the replies getting shorter and shorter, the tone colder and colder. As we approached My birthday again, I plan a Group event with my friends and family, cause last year we went Paintballing and Maria wasnt there, she had work and class.

So im thinking of what i could do for a group, and i see that Charlie Murphy is doing a show ON my Birthday, a Friday! It was Perfect. I called and Reserved seats for everyone, ordered Bottle Service, i was so excited!

I texted Maria Telling her About the Comedy show and Date of My Birthday. She says she cant make it cause of work, she gets off at around 12. I was Bummed, but I understood. 

The Big Day comes and it starts off great. Work was a Breeze, and Maria greeted me with a Warm Happy Birthday first. As the day progressed Everything seemed Normal. As evening sets, we all get ready to go to the show. 8 o clock, Showtime!

it was a Fantastic Show, me and all my Friends and Family drinking and Laughing our Asses off. The only thing missing was Maria. I texted her before the show saying id text her after it was over. it woulda been near to midnight, and she coulda met up with us. The show ends around 1040, and the manager says we can finish off the bottles in the bar. Me and my Friends stay, and start getting Tanked. 

Midnight Comes, and i text Maria asking if she was off yet and if she wanted to come meet us. Time passes, and no reply.

she probably went home and crashed, she was probably tired, I think, as it wasnt Abnormal for her to Nap during the Day or whenever she could. So i check Facebook, and it Hits me.

A friend Tagged her and some friends at Westgate, not Long ago.

My heart Goes into FreeFall in My stomach.

Why would she be at Westgate After work? did she Ignore my Text...? why...?

My insecurites flared, and i assumed the worst. I remember everything going Quiet around me, My heart Hammering in my chest, blocking out all other noise.

i Shouldve just called. i Shouldve had more Faith in you, and what i Meant to you.

When every girl you date cheats on you and leaves, in a Row, it was hard not to assume the worst, when the worst is what always happens to you.

I remember the tears welling up in my eyes as i get up to go outside the bar. She went to go out with her friends, and she knew it was my Birthday Today....

It didnt make any sense to me, it all seemed so unbeliveable. But ive been wrong before. And add the excessive Alcohol, you get a Recipe for a Terrible Mistake. 

I wasnt Dumb, I knew Maria and I were Drifting apart, Our schedules getting more and more hectic. My job stressing me the fuck out day after day, Marias Packed Schedule.

I was so fucking stupid. Why did i wait? Why didnt i just drop to my knees and tell her when i look at her eyes, i feel like i could do anything. That when she was in my arms i Felt like i needed to become a Better man for her. Why did i wait?

December. Jerkoff Hipster making her ring is falling behind, gonna need a couple more weeks. delivery date mid Janurary. I Threw A fucking Fit. i could feel it all slipping away, no matter what I did. Why did i Wait?

I was so Terrified of Opening up to you, and you not feeling the same way. The Thought of looking into your eyes and telling you that i was in love with you, and i wanted to be with you forever, or until i died. I was Terrified of looking into your eyes and Shooting me down. The texts got shorter and shorter. only strengthening My doubts and Fears. 

Christmas. The Ring wasnt Ready yet. Another Fucking Embarassment. She got me a Captain Phasma Painting and some Marvel Shirts. I tell you, “look, i ordered this is time to get it for Christmas, but the Guy Got Delayed and it wasnt ready yet, but... i showed you the Ring on my Phone. 

It was the last smile i Saw on you in Person.

So many oppurtunities, wasted. so fucking Stupid. I promise to make it up to you.

Down to One Word Answers, or no Reply at all.

Janurary 2016. Hiroshima.

Valentines Day is Coming, Ill have the Ring Then! and i ordered a Cute little Stuffed Corgi to go with Some Flowers and a nice Romantic Date! i order everything and wait. 

You came over one week, and seemed in such a foul mood, i couldnt place it. I thought you were in Pain Probably. I tried to cuddle you, kiss your cheek, you clearly dont want the affection. I try something alittle more...Adult. 

You Grabbed my Wrist, and Yanked my Hand away, throwing it off you. I was in Shock. I still remember the look you Gave me that night, Clear as day. That Piercing Glare, Looking Right at me. Pure Anger. and Pain.

Youre replies, in thier Rarity, lacked no padding for thier sharp edges. I believe its all Over Now.

Late January 2016.

You came over one Last time. We had Sex one last time. I remember grabbing you after the first go around as you got up and laid you back down. I was such a Fool.

The Ring was Delivered that Weekend. Monday i text you to see when your free to visit next, your ring is ready and i wanted to see if it fit correctly. You reply your busy tomorrow. i ask with what? you reply with: Concert. i ask What concert. You say: Tribal Seeds.

You stopped Replying After That. The Next Day i texted you again asking when can you come hangout and see your Ring? 

You Broke up with me after that. 

It felt like everything around me had fallen below me, and all that was left was the dark and Silence. Typing about it now makes the Hole in my heart Ache. I remember how hard the Rain Poured that Night.....As i Cried along with it.

And it was only the Beginning for me.

The first weeks after that day are a blur to me. Either Too Many Drugs Or too Many Drinks, take your pic. i was Broken. One moment you were there, you were mine, and i was gonna fix everything come Valentines Day. I had a Nice Romantic Dinner planned, then a Scenic Walk where i would show you the ring and tell you that even though were having a Rough Patch right now, that i loved you and i wanted to do everything i can to prove it to you.

But you Had other plans didnt you?

God i can still feel my heart when I saw pictures of you and Him....I dont know how to Describe how Painful it was to see. It was only Feb, and you were already with someone else? Posting Valentines Shit? I cried for hours, I begged for you not to be like the others, To just leave me for Someone Else so Fucking Fast, like i was Nothing to you.

But thats how it went down, though. Didnt it?

Friends for over 5-6 Years, Lovers for 2.

I couldnt even get a goodbye.....Just a Text. Was that all i was worth, to you?

You got with him within Weeks of Dumping me. Yet your Tumblr youre heartbroken and sad. It was like i had Entered into some NIghtmare.

within the First Two Weeks, I dropped four Hits of Acid at Once. I wanted to Escape. Instead i jumped right into it. I see you posting on Tumblr. Sad, Depressing things. Your Tags show how you deleted the texts from your phone, even though you didnt want to. How you could literally see in your texts of your declining Affection for me. In the end, It was my own doing.

With the Courage of Acid, I messaged you. I ask if your okay, and you ask why, like i dont see your posts, like i dont possibly know why you could be feeling so sad. Even then, at the end, you couldnt be honest with me.

I ask you Maria cant we please Talk?

You say About what? Like you thought i was stupid.

And thats when i just finally, for the first time, although Far too Late. I opened up to you.

I remember Anatomy.

I Remember You At Barros that Day

I Remember Air Hockey at the Arcade.

I remember The Birthday Gift.

The Words poured out then like they do now, The Spark you set in my Heart was the most important thing to me.

Whatever i needed to do to make it work, no matter what, just please dont give up on me.....

You may as well as shot me dead with your reply.

“if you had said that before, things would be Completely different.”

“saying it Now doesnt Mean Much to me now”

Those words still Haunt Me, A Year Later. And it is not even the worst to come.

You Had the verdict long before i even knew. You Found my “dating Profile” Online, and didnt say anything. just let it stew inside you. As we grew apart it hurt to see you just blatantly ignore my messages. So i used that profile to look at women, nothing else. It was only on My Birthday i Night i Made a Mistake i Will Regret forever. Maria wasnt there, she was with her friends. she didnt want to come here, or answer my texts. she chose to be with my friends. I was always the girls’ Second Choice. I got Drunk. I got Upset. I wanted Petty Revenge. I cheated. I Dont even Remember her Name or what she really looked like. Never should have done it.

A month Passes. March. I ask to still be friends, and how i missed you. We start talking again, almost like how it used to be. Tagging each other in posts again.But i also See him. Concerts, posts, tags. It tore me apart. Some Days i would wake up at 4 AM from my alarm for work, and Your Face would be the first thing i see in my head. The Tears would flow before i could even open my eyes for the first time. I try to get you to meet up with me, so we can talk. After i opened up that night you agreed we should talk. Then you just changed your mind....You Said give it time, walk the path, smell the Roses, and maybe we can start again...

My heart is Pumping like a cannon as i go into detail for Isaiah, how i became a madman, was so motivated by the mere notion that MAYBE there was a CHANCE we could work it out later. I couldnt be stopped. I drank Nothing but Water, ate only Chicken, Raw Veggies, Salmon and Fish, and cut out ALL sugar and breads. I dropped 30 pounds in a Month, and was in great shape for a fight at the gym i trained at. I would watch these Inspirational videos everymorning at 3 AM, just to run for an hour. I posted everything on Snapchat, Only Because i Wanted Maria to see it. I was so Optimistic...

April 2016.

Family Vaction in Mexico. A week with a private beachfront Villa and as much Booze as i can drink. i go in with Gusto. The Villa Has Wifi, can keep up with your posts.tagged me in some. Then the posts about him.

I hated how it made me feel to read them. He had what i wanted for us. Our own Place. Just Us. and a Dog.

He took My Place and it Ate me Alive from the Inside.

I stayed up all night, drinking tequila by the shot, playing Toro Y moi and Chain smoking. I watched the reflection of the moon dance on the waves, and thought of you. When i hear the Ocean, and nights when the Moon is Large and Beautiful, i think of you. 

I Broke that night......

I knew there was no Path, no flowers to smell.

There was no Second Chance.

I Lost her.

And i couldnt get her back. She didnt want me anymore.

she wants someone else now, and when i Think about it I have to imagine Flames burning the thoughts away.

I guess after that night, i lost my motivation, i Wised up.

And i knew i had to come clean to you. It was the hardest thing i ever did.

It hurts so much still, looking back. Im So sorry...

Even after i hurt you that day, i still saw a sliver of you come through your walls.

I begged for you in time to forgive me, and over time we could be friends again. Let me earn back your trust, understand i made a Terrible Mistake and im willing to do anything to make it work.

Most people would have told me to go to hell and never talk to them again.

But not you. Not even then.

You Said, “ Maybe in time i will forgive you. maybe i wont. Depends on how i feel. for now you should make yourself scarce.”

I was stunned,,,those words hung on me for months after.  Did you really mean that, Maria?

And that was the last time i heard from you for awhile...i remember Breaking down at work....The Silence hurt the most. No Texts, No Posts, Nothing.

Not only did i lose the woman i Love, I lost a dear Friend as well...

When i Returned home, i Quit Training, I quit the fight, I quit Dieting. That deep, Dark Hole you brought me out of, Maria.....when i saw you that day....I went Right Back in.

since May 2016 i was in a hole that i could not get out of. sure, i made it look like i was living the life on snapchat, but in reality, on the inside, i was so broken.  Then Life Decided to kick me while i was down, and Took my Bonnie away from me. As if it couldnt get worse. My Brother and I Bawled as they put her to sleep. I was so fucking Lost.....

So i texted the one person who maybe might put up with my Bullshit....You.

and you were nice, you coulda kicked me when i was down and wouldve been justified. But you heard me out....More of that Real you shining through.

It is 4 AM now. i have spent all night telling this story to Isaiah, who has listened intently this whole time.

I tell him how after the months of Bonnies Death, I just didnt leave the house. Tried my Best to leave you be and not see shit that would kill me on the inside. The days became Quiet and Lonely. your presence in Tumblr becomes less and less active. 

I hardly see you or your posts anymore...

i harden my heart and try move on.

Then i see your posts about your health. the doctor scare, Lupus.

I felt so bad, and worried i wanted to see if you were okay, even though i knew you hate my guts.But i worried and Worried and finally said fuck it and just sent a message saying i heard what youre going through, im sorry, i hope you get better soon, if you need anything, please ask

I wasnt expecting a Response, Yet you sent one : Thanks for Caring.

couldnt expect more than that, so i leave it be.

That Night, Maria makes a post.

Its About me. 

My heart jumped into my throat and got stuck. My hands shook as i held my phone.

I didnt completely erase you out of my life.

i still think about you, from time to time.

Thank you for texting me today.

thank you for still caring about me.

Despite the shit i post on here, I still Care about you too.

And No its not the drugs Talking.

I read and Re-Read that post thousands of times in the following months. On Bad Days, Days where i wanted to give up. I read that post and it kept me going. First time reading it i Cried for hours. It was as if God heard a prayer.

To see you say that you still cared.....you will never know what that did. how that felt for me. Even Now it makes me tear up.

My heart didnt hurt as much after that, it healed some of it. I was always confused with Maria. One moment she says she cares, then comes off as your nothing to her. i never knew which was which.

and now, as the year came to face my Birthday again. There was only one thing i wanted. truly wanted. and if i got it, getting nothing else from anybody wouldnt even fucking matter.

I just wanted you to say Happy Birthday.

I didnt think you would. i thought you would have moved on by now, enjoying youre new life with him. I couldnt bleed about it any longer. i took the pieces of my heart and piece it back together again. i began to accept reality. and the pain began to dull.

NOV. 20th 2016

Saturday.

Woke up Early and went out to the woods to do some shooting. all day there. Head back for some Missouri BBQ, and get ready to get Blackout drunk Tonight. Night Goes well, Got trashed, had fun, Fought a couple dudes, enjoyed myself.

Got back to Devins Late that night. Eat Chocolate BDAY cake drunk.

Head off for bed. I sit on the edge of the bed and look at the time. 9:40 PM

She isnt gonna say it. Oh well. 

go to your blog to lookup your post to make me feel better.

Read the words, smile and Remember. Pain Begins to set in. 

back out of tags to leave, see another tag you never seen before.

“C and I”

click tag link.

Heart Explodes in my Chest, Breath Frozen in throat.

Its a picture. of us. Smiling. 

the Caption Read:” I know i have trouble expressing my emotions and feelings and stuff but this guy right here means the world to me. Hes sweet, caring and Funny and---”

I couldnt read the Rest. I began to Cry Non Stop, Like someone Just Told Me my mother was Murdered.

I couldnt stop it, couldnt control myself. The pain was so much. Each one more painful to look at. How did i never see them? How??

I couldnt do it anymore. I couldnt keep taking the pain of it. I deserved to be Happy too..

its been two months since that day.

its been over a year since i last seen you with my own eyes, heard your voice....

And now we reach the end of this story. i force myself to block out the memories, remember nothing.

I have to move on with my life....

and yet....after saying all that Isaiah, which After i had finished,  8 hours had passed. 8 hours i poured out my soul. such a weight had been lifted, it felt so good for someone to hear me out...

so i finish this sad story, and Isaiah asks me one question: How do you feel about her now?

I stayed quiet for a good amount of time. i mulled it over. every memory. Good. the Bad. The Ugly.  and i finally settled upon:

I miss her, Isaiah. Not like a lover misses his spouse, but like a friend who helped another Grow.

I hope to see you again one day, Maria.

[fsfantasy95]

Into words

Alright it’s September already. Haha Aug was probably the most happening month after my hiatus from excitement since i think Feb???

But anyway I really didn’t intend to fly two times to the same country within the same month lol. The first one was a genuine holiday trip already in place months ago, the second one popped out only one month before. Er I don’t know what made me decide to go for the second one, probably cos I was captivated by the thought of visiting Xitou, or ok lah maybe I was just being a senseless infatuated fangirl.

The holiday trip was good and all (well it is a holiday after all), i think travel companions matter a lot. So thankfully the friends were all easy-going suibian people who dont mind sleeping in on trips, doing nothing on various days, eating lame food etc etc. On the first day we got our hair done at in%, then I dumped the friends to get a photo with Kent Tsai my new obsession!!! He’s a very very cute derpy little boy. HAHAHA I missed one hour of Peici’s concert as a result of that but ok it wasnt too bad. Did i mention peici’s concert was the reason this trip existed in the first place - as weird as it sounds to have arose from jt LOL. Then I met tph’s tw fan to pass her some i-weekly magazines (lolol) and we spent the night roaming around raohe. LOL i think one memorable moment was getting a leg cramp the moment I sat down in the taxi after walking ages at the night market, I was trying to control myself from screaming in pain and attempting to give directions to the cabby at the same time lmao.

On the 2nd day we concurred to sleep in. Jalan-jalan around XMD, random shops and the arcade, went to my favourite GUANG NAN!, I found the camera streets to buy the battery which I very smartly forgot to bring, more jalan jalan and spent the night early at our accom stocked with beer and food. Shiok! Actually this is the perfect holiday itinerary.

3rd-4th was packed with the tour itinerary up to shei-pa. Ok this was suggested by me because I am a sucker for mountainous areas, I am going to conquer all the national parks in taiwan. Not too bad with nice chilly air, although not as chio as i expected hmms. Jt and I attempted one of the forest trekking paths ourselves and shit that was one scary 40mins of our lives HAHAHA. There was freaking not a single soul in the whole forest and the path was much longer than we expected. There was a point when I wondered if I would ever get out of that place. Then we missed some star-gazing guide at night because idk who remembered the timing wrongly wtf hahahahah then we forced the provision shop to sell us beer and cup noodles even though they were already closed.

Oh yeah I forgot to mention that the bendy roads up were one of the worst..even I felt a bit bad upon reaching the top (I am usually the one enjoying being thrown around the vehicle). Went up further to the national park area - more mountain views, and trekking paths!!! Ok lah my stamina still survivable. Wasted time visiting some boring museum-ish place along the way down and I was late for my Kent Tsai bubble tea shop event. Sucks! Hahaha literally opened my luggage along the streets of xmd to change my camera lens. We did supermarket shopping that night, the loots were a considerable lot hahaha. I remember sleeping around 3am trying to watch xmj’s live after all the packing and watching tv.

Last day was the epic shit having breakfast at the hotel and getting caught in a rat attack. LOL it was damn amusing cos people were screaming and some auntie was trembling in fear just because of one rat. But the rat ended up getting killed right beside our table (VIP zone for us) and I was recording it and we were screaming and laughing so hysterically HAHAHAHA. Shit the singaporean spirit, I was one of the only few whipping out my phone to record the commotion lolololol. We wanted to visit maokong for the last few hours but I think we ended up just roaming the taipei main station underground shops and spending money on arcade and gachapons.

Hahaha definitely an enjoyable trip. We hit 600 for our basketball machine!! and the stupid fruit vinegar drink I bought for kent tsai but had to use it as forfeit to finish the not-so-nice drink XD

Back to work for another two weeks and I was off again. This time for jaydaone only jaydaone. Haha another set of easy-going travel companions, so everything was gooddddd! We checked-in early to get some last minute buys for him (lol the TWG tea smelled funny honestly) and we thought we had much time to jalan jalan and ended up being the last few at the boarding gate.  Took our time to fly there, eat breakfast at the airport, slowly made our way to taichung, and after much walking around finally reached xitou. Shit the bus from taichung to xitou was damn awesome for catching up on sleep. Our minsu owners didnt let us go back to the accom and insisted we toured the monster village first before returning. Oh well never give laoniang here chance to put makeup.... haha we finished the whole village i think by 6+pm. Its not as big as I thought.... but there were some amusing things which we are still laughing over now LOL just some very vulgar packaging boxes useful for scolding people. Cant stop using the phrases after that. Hahahaha bought convenience store food (my mayday limited edition taiwan beer!!) and we were back in the accomm by early night. Idk how we still dragged until past 12midnight to sleep lol . Ate our food (without utensils!!! how can family mart do this to us), drank beer watch TV listened to jaydaone’s radio (and off-ed it halfway cos it was damn noisy) wrote some cards and nuasaied in the room. Shiok.

Up earlyyyyyyyyyyyy as planned but took longer than expected to get ready. So we were behind our own schedule hahaha sucks! We panicked when the minsu person told us it would require around 40mins to reach the event location from the main entrance. Had to forgo the minsu breakfast :c and we made our way direct to the event location. That was quite a climb, and wtf lyc reached even before us. We choped a good spot and yeah of course everybody else just conveniently slotted in without expressing any form of gratitude, ohwells hahahaha but doesnt matter la there is no fierce competition there and then. Lyc appears and sang 4 songs, I wasnt watching him most of the time cos I was busy taking photos. Errrrrr like lol I flew over there just to watch him but end up looking at the camera screen. But I think he was in a good mood c: Haha at the end of the performance we had a mini gathering nearby, it was longer than the performance time. I remember he emerged and was walking down the slope and we went up to say hi. MY PRINCE ON A WHITE HORSE *v* ahhhh hahaha please pardon me while I switch to xmm fangirl mode. I think the rest I should just leave it because I have already recorded it down somewhere and it is not easy to put into words without sounding like a freak. But he is nice nice nice very very nice and I am very very grateful he is who he is. I think I’ve seen him for >15 times but this is the first time(?) i held his hand properly HAHAHA shit this is going to sound erxin but when he was leaving he was saying thanks and he held out his hand so I reached out for it and at that moment I just had this thought that, Oh dear I don’t want to let go yet so I held on and he didnt let go too (!!) I think I had his right and stephy had his left. Hahahahahahaha. Then he gave the kind of look that goes through your eyes and said xiexie. Walao please please kill me please 为什么就是一股温暖满满的温暖我感觉支持你快10年了我青春有你什么都值得了

Lol okay enough hahahaha i think its hard for people to understand. Anyway right after he left we walked back to attempt some last minute sightseeing before rushing for the bus. I remember us scolding some shit while walking HAHAHAHA so much for putting on a fake demure front when the idol’s around. Back to taichung and met with mans the siao last-minute-decided-to-come girl, we created a tiny hoo-ha at uriko’s art exhibition cos they got to know that there were a few singaporeans there lol. But she is very pretty and talented. Now I understand why tintin went crazy over her hahahahaha. Our schedule for the night had two deleted items, one pan wei bo event and one dimdimsum trip, we ended up having dinner at yizhong and trying out the random 100dollar item vending machine. Watched kent tsai and the chi qing nan zi han at night. Freaking 3rd row in a huge cinema i think my neck is very unwell. Walked fengchia at night and found out our flight was delayed by freaking 8 hours!! Ded. Made plans to cancel our HSR tix.

Last day was spent on Kent Tsai at kaohsiung. Haha shit his face was sooooo grumpy that day. We had another round of the movie for the after-show qna and he actually asked us to shhh cos our cameras were so loud. Wtf hahaha this kid. But he is still very cute lah. Then we went to the adidas exhibits thingy and ruifeng night market (extra time cos of the flight delay zzz) and then we slowly took the bus back to taoyuan. Reached airport at 4+am I think. Haha last minute buys at 7-11 and beer. I think I was close to k.o. already, i need sleep!!!! Horrors of further flight delay by 2hrs. Lol kept thinking of how to kaopei the flight carrier. Ended up we didnt use the meal vouchers cos we thought they were for in-flight when they were actually for airport shops zzzzzzzzzzzz. But at the end they gave us flight vouchers and insurance is claimable so Ok lor I dont mind. Luckily I took extra day leave for work beforehand, if not jialat only.

Hahaha awesome awesome trips. Shit once the flying starts I think it is hard to stop. Oh dear. Sigh its back to reality for now... dont know how long I can survive without anymore excitement....... Argh I think i sound like a kid. But whatever lah gimme a break from all these adult life and societal cruelty (and SHITASS people) for once or twice. Bye back to the mundane mundane shitty life.