#i fucking knew there'd be one of these first and last posts

[cutieln4]

Fuck It I Love You | LN4

lando norris x reader, enemies to lovers, angst, fluff

summary: lando and y/n seem to absolutely hate each other until a dangerous situation reveals the truth

warnings: drink spiking, threats of sexual assault (nothing graphic, someone tries to take her home)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For some reason, Lando and her never got along. It stemmed from when they were karting together, all the way until they both got to Formula 1.

Now, at ages 21 and 23, they drove for rival teams and were always going wheel to wheel.

Monza wasn't any different.

Max and Charles were far in front, but she and Lando were fighting over the last podium place. They were switching back and forth until on the last lap, she maybe pushed him a bit too far on one of the last corners, securing 3rd place.

He approached her when she was making her way back from the post-race press conference, on her way to the media pen.

"What the fuck was that?" he demanded.

She shrugged, smirking. "Not quite sure what you're talking about."

"Oh don't play dumb. That was dirty racing on the last lap and you know it."

"I don't see how it's any different from what you did to me in Austria, or last year at Silverstone."

She could see his jaw clench, and she knew she got him.

"Maybe keep your talking on the track," she told him before he could reply, walking away.

That night she was at the club celebrating with a couple of the other drivers. She was pretty close with Max, Charles, Oscar, and Daniel. It made things a bit awkward with them when she and Lando were really going at it because they were all good friends with Lando too. But whatever, it was mostly fine.

She had been dancing and throwing back drinks until she forgot about her and Lando's feud. She's also pretty sure the other drivers got some embarrassing videos of her. Her current drink was eventually empty and she stumbled away to the bar, not telling anyone.

She waved the bartender over to ask for another drink, tipping them $20. If it weren't for the alcohol in her system, she would've flinched when a man suddenly appeared at her side. It was crowded by the bar, and he was pressing right against her.

"Hey baby, let me buy you a drink."

"That's alright, I already have one," she politely declined, hoping he would just leave her alone.

"Oh come on, don't be like that honey."

She twisted her neck around to try to spot the other drivers and when she did, she grabbed her drink and left. The man luckily didn't follow.

Halfway through her drink, she started noticing that something was wrong. Her head was spinning way more than it should be, she was sweating like crazy, nauseous, and her body felt heavy.

"I'm going to the bathroom," she slurred out to Max before stumbling away.

She didn't make it far before she was grabbing onto the wall to keep herself up. She knew at the moment that something was terribly wrong. She most likely had her drink spiked, and now she was separated from her group and incapacitated.

A hand grabbed her arm and she looked up. Her vision was too blurry to make out any features, but she knew it wasn't one of the drivers.

"You okay, babe? Let me help you."

"N-No, m' good, leav' me 'lone."

She tried to escape his grip, but she could barely move, her strength was completely gone. The man wrapped his whole arm around her waist, supporting her as he walked her out of the club while she tried to protest.

The cold, fresh air felt good when it hit her, but then she remembered what situation she was in. The man was dragging her along more roughly now.

"Stop, 'lease, I don' wanna go with you," her pleading sounded more and more like pathetic whimpers falling on unheard ears.

He just kept walking down the street, gripping her so hard there'd probably be bruises.

"Don't, please, leave me 'lone," she whined, eyes welling up with tears as she tried to escape his grip again.

He suddenly shoved her face-first into a building, rough concrete scraping her arms and face, and she fell to the ground.

"Shut up and don't move!" he hissed.

He yanked her back up and dragged her along.

"No, no, please, stop," she cried, nearly sobbing. She was scared, she couldn't feel anything, and she was completely separated from anyone she knew while some strange man was leading her somewhere.

"Hey!" another voice suddenly yelled, about 5 meters behind them. "What the fuck are you doing?"

Whoever this person was, they sounded pissed.

"Nothing man, mind your business," the man next to her said.

"No, I won't mind my fucking business. Let go of her before I smash your face in."

The man scoffed, trying to continue walking.

"I warned you," the other man said before suddenly she fell to the ground and she heard a thud of skin-on-skin contact, before a groan.

She was on the ground, leaning her back against the wall while her head drooped to the side. She couldn't see much, but she could hear the punching continue.

"Stop, stop, man, I'm sorry!"

"Oh yeah? Did you listen to her when she asked you to stop?"

Eventually, it went quiet, and there were footsteps in her direction. The man who saved her crouched down in front of her and put his hands on her cheeks, supporting her head. It was then that her vision cleared up a bit, and she realized who the person was.

"Lando?" she asked, voice slurring.

"Yeah, it's me. I got you."

She started sobbing, trembling hands gripping his jacket as he wrapped her in a hug, letting her cry into his chest.

"Shh, it's okay, I'm here. It's okay, you're safe now," he whispered to her as he rubbed her back.

"I-I was so, so scared," she cried.

"I know, I know. I got you."

Lando then used one hand to fish out his phone, calling the police. They waited while the police showed up, him trying to keep her awake.

When the police arrived, one of the officers arrested the unconscious man on the ground while the other rode with them in the ambulance to take their statements. Y/n never let go of Lando's hand once.

The hospital kept her overnight for observation after making sure whatever drug she was spiked with wasn't lethal, and collecting evidence and taking pictures of her injuries. She had finally given in to unconsciousness, and Lando was sitting next to her, holding her hand.

It was only when everything was a little settled down that he saw that she had nearly 100 missed calls from various drivers. Shit, he forgot about that.

He opened up his phone and called Daniel.

"Hey, man I can't talk right now," Daniel said right away, sounding panicked.

"Hold on—"

"Actually, do you by chance know where Y/n is?"

"Yeah, about that, I'm in the hospital—"

"What? What happened? Are you okay?"

"Can you let me finish my sentence? I'm with Y/n. She was drugged and I saw her on the street. Some man was dragging her with him, and she was clearly asking him to leave her alone. Anyway, she's a little banged up, but she's okay, nothing happened. They're just keeping her overnight for observation."

Daniel let out a big sigh of relief, said something to someone next to him, and then turned back to the phone.

"Thank fuck, we've been trying to find her for hours. Thank you, Lando, seriously. I can't imagine if you hadn't been there. What hospital is she at?"

After telling him where they were, he hung up. 

Lando sighed, leaning back in his seat and closing his eyes as he reflected on what the hell just happened. 

Y/n shifted in front of him, and he immediately sat up straight. 

"Lando?" she mumbled, voice hoarse and still half-asleep. 

"Yeah, it's me. I'm here. Do you remember what happened?"

She paused, but then her face crumpled, and she nodded. 

"It's okay, it's okay, don't cry," he soothed. 

"You saved me. I thought you would've just let him take me."

Lando's eyebrows furrowed, stomach twisting just at the thought.

"Why would you think that?"

"You hate me," she muttered, eyes looking down. 

"I don't," he paused, hesitating. "I don't hate you at all. I...I didn't plan on ever telling you this, but I really like you. You're funny, you're witty, you're kind, you're fearless, you never back down from a challenge, and I love all those things about you. And I know you probably want nothing to do with me and you hate my guts, but I just need to get it off my chest―"

"―Lando, just shut up and kiss me. I like you too, idiot."

Lando grinned, showing the gap between his front two teeth that she always loved, and leaned down to connect their lips. 

"Do you think people would get suspicious if we stopped being mean to each other?" he asked.

"Probably. We should just hard launch."

"I don't think our PR teams would appreciate that."

Later, when Daniel made it to the hospital, he was extremely surprised to see the two of them cuddled up together. He just had to take a picture.

[lennsart]

Hello all, remember that one time I lost my mind over a very badly translated french Zelda Encyclopedia ?

Remember how I said there'd be a part 2 ?

Did you think I had forgotten about it ?

Well you're right. I very much did.

But I remembered now, and I am not done screaming. This book personally insulted me, alright ? It pretended to be a useful tool to feed my obsession and was actually only pain.

And fun, I had to admit. Turns out that correcting it with my sister has been perfect enrichement for insane Zelda fans. We sighed a lot and shouted even more.

(But honestly, it's a bit sad how bad the book is. Like, were the translators so rushed that they made it with a bad internet translator and didn't double check ? Or did they just cared so little ?

Ok, my funnier theory is that they paired one guy who was lazy and knew fuck all about LoZ and one guy who was decent at their job... And only let the first guy do the final proofread.)

But anyways, case in point, here are my evidences !

And if you thought last post was long, wait 'til you see how I realized I don't have a 10 pictures limit on computer :]

Firstly, a thing that made me laugh as I saw the pictures I gathered for this very serious case is the clear gradual lack of respect me and my... Research Partner had for the book :

There's a "sticky notes" era, a "pencils 'cause we aren't gonna waste so many sticky notes at worst we'll erase" era, and a "we don't give a fuck anymore get the markers out" era.

Last time I divided the mistakes in three categories, "Lore mistakes", "Translation mistakes" and the dreaded "What the fuck mistakes". They are... Inegal, to say the least, but let's keep this system !

Translation Mistakes

And I mean it in the sense that "the french translation have different names and stuff than the english one and this book ignores them", not in just general translation... Because if you go that way, this entire book is a translation mistake !

But here we go :

Little details, but they left "Koroks" written this way when the french version is "Korogus", they left "Impar" (the character from Twilight princess) when in french her name is, well, Impa, they left "Mia" for the name of the remlit when it's "Miou"...

As you'll see along the way, my research partner got very mad at the book and wrote a lot of funny comments. Here you can see that next to where the book says that the river zoras "become violent", she wrote "not all zora" in all caps, which I find hilarious.

And she's right ! Don't badmouth Echoes of Wisdom Dradd, he's a cool dude !

Here, the book pretends that the kikwis all have sort of teas as their name. English reader, I hear you get offended : "The book is right !"

NOT IN FRENCH IT'S NOT ! Here, kikwis have herbs inspired names, not tea.

Well, I was going to make a joke about "DO YOU REALLY WANT TO DRINK PARSLEY OR BASIL TEA ?" but apparently they exist, so. My bad. Can we still agree that these are not types of tea ? There's tea with parsley, but the parsley is not the tea, right ?

(Just for fun, our kikwis are named : Basil (for basil, shocker I know), Jasmi (for jasmine), Pirsel (for "persil", parsley), Romar (for "romarin", rosemary) and Lorion (probably for "laurier", bay leaf. This one is less obvious so I'm not sure)

So here it's a little worse than the other times because in the text, they used the literal translation of "The Imprisoned" from Skyward Sword, except in the title they used the correct french name, "the banished".

They really said : Here's a description of le Banni ! He's called le Prisonnier.

WHY

Ok so this one is a little funny to me, bear with me alright ?

In Phantom Hourglass, one type of enemies are the Phantoms in the Ocean King temple, right ? Well, Phantom in french (literally AND in Zelda, wonderful) is Spectre.

Alright ? So what do the book say about Phantoms ? That they are Fantômes. Fantôme is a word that is phonetically the exact same as Phantom, see ? But it means ghost. Not phantom.

(I mean, they're synonyms, you know ? So phantom kinda means ghost and fantôme kinda means spectre, but It Is Not The Translation in the game so it makes it worse)

Actually, it was funny, but as I explains it it makes me a little mad. It was one google search away...

URGH and it's just the same thing again, yes technically the literal translation for "Triforce of Power" would be "Triforce de la puissance", but is it what it is in french ? NO, IT'S TRIFORCE DE LA FORCE (strength). I was alright with random characters name getting mispelled, but FUCK THIS ENCYCLOPEDIA, THIS ONE IS LITERALLY IN MULTIPLE GAMES LIKE EVEN IF YOU DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT LOZ YOU KNOW THAT AT LEAST

All of these are details, but damn Zelda Encyclopedia, I know I'm insane about these games so maybe it's not that deep, but you're writing for the french fans, THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS WRITE THE FRENCH VERSION OF THINGS

Whew, ok, this is starting to annoy me I feel, so let's change subject, why not ? Here are the :

Lore Mistakes

There are not a lot of them, but they made me gesture widely at the book trying to form a sentence that, if I had managed, would probably have been "Where the fuck did they get that from ?"

Which means that there's a possibility that it's right, but seeing this bitch's track record, I'm going to assume it's not.

Here are pictures of Kokiris, what is the description ?

"Since they're the Hylians' descendants, they look a lot like them."

Since

WHEN ?

Like, genuinely, help me there. Am I the problem ? Are the kokiris supposed to be descended from the Hylians ? And if they are, where is it cited ? I literally almost completed Ocarina of Time for the second time and cannot remember it being hinted at anywhere. Like yeah, they look alike, but aren't kokiris separate forest spirits ???

The tone of the book also annoy me, like "since they're hylians' descendants", as if it was common sense. SIR I PLAY THESE GAMES SINCE I'M OLD ENOUGH TO HOLD A CONTROLLER WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR INFO FROM

It's making me question whether I'm stupid or if it's just bullshitting me right now !

This one is a graph about the different worlds in LoZ. My problem here is that... Well, firstly, my problem is that there is the Sky and the Skies, but I guess that this is like... TP Sky and SS Sky, maybe ?

The real problem is that between these two categories they put "Minish World".

Minish World ? You mean, like, Hyrule ?

...Ok, I'm jesting, they probably mean Cloud Tops and the Wind Tribe. But in that case... Say that ? They make it sound like all the Minish live in the sky ! Precisely between two versions of the sky !

Are minish angels...? No, better question. ARE MINISH OOCCA ??

This one annoys me greatly for several reasons, but I'm going to be so so brave about it :

As you can see, it's a representation of the LoZ Timeline, with two games highlighted : Link's Awakening and Phantom Hourglass. It's because this is talking about when Link goes in adventures in parallel worlds.

So firstly, fuck Majora's Mask, right ?

And then, the thing I have underlined is saying that those events happened in "both case after Ganon was slayed".

See how they say Ganon and not Ganondorf. See it, 'cause I'm not going to make any comment about it because it's nOT THAT IMPORTANT

Quick reminder : Ganondorf got defeated but Hyrule was left destroyed in Wind Waker (third branch of the timeline). Ganondorf's plans were foiled before he had time to do anything in Majora's Mask (second branch of the timeline).

You know where Ganondorf didn't get defeated ?? IN THE FIRST BRANCH OF THE TIMELINE. THE ONE WHERE LINK'S AWAKENING IS.

Really, why go out of your way to say that if it's Not Fucking Correct ? This book wakes up some kind of ancient wrath in me that should only belong to children whose snack got confiscated in school !

Ok, as I said earlier, there aren't many lore mistakes, but that's good because they are the ones that makes me question my sanity the most. Let's go to the category you're probably waiting for :

What the fuck mistakes

Starting with a tame one, but :

This book is incapable of saying the word "regent". It is literally saying, for both Hilda and Midna, that these "princesses" are the "queens" of their kingdom.

No they're not, they're princesses, you just said so, IT'S NOT THE SAME GODDAMN TITLE !!

So this one almost made it to the translation mistakes, but it's in the 'what the fuck' ones simply because it's so poorly translated that I'm not even sure what they originally meant.

It's talking about Spirit Tracks' Tower of Spirit, and you can read "Sparkling trains are activated thanks to the gathered energy."

Excuse me,

Sparkling Trains ?

My guess is that they're talking about the tracks, but even then, they're not called "sparkling" ? And if they're really talking about the tracks, they're then talking about the Spirit Tracks. You know, the ones the game is named about ?

Then, a question : WHERE THE FUCK DID "SPARKLING" CAME FROM.

In the same style, but this time I simply hated it too much to put it in Translation Mistakes : Remember the Fused Shadows in Twilight Princess ? Well in french, they're called Shadow Shards.

What do they call it here ? "Melted Shadows". Not fused, not shards, I'm losing my fucking mind

As I have written on my sticky note, this one is a very disrespectful one. Ciela, the fairy from Phantom Hourglass, has the same name in french and in english, but somehow they still managed to write "Chiela".

Why is it so disrespectful ? BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE "SHIT" IN FRENCH. SPECIFICALLY, IT SOUNDS LITERALLY LIKE THE SENTENCE "SHIT HERE". CIELA IS A PRETTY NAME, DAMNIT

Actually, it annoyed me so much that I went out of my way to show that thIS BOOK KNOWS HER NAME ! THEY DON'T HAVE ANY EXCUSES !!!

JUSTICE FOR CIELA !! FUCK YOU, FRENCH ZELDA ENCYCLOPEDIA !!!!

Honestly, it's funny to me now that these first pages had sticky notes. Ah, the good time from when I still had a slither of respect for this book...

Here, it just describes every Light Spirit from Twilight princess with animals : "goat, monkey, butterfly, snake". Firstly, they don't look exactly like animals, secondly...

Butterfly ?

I mean, Eldin has always looked like an owl to me ? Ok, the wings are vaguely butterfly-shaped, but it has a body and a face ?

Was Eldin a butterfly all along ? Am I going insane ? (ok yes I am, but reader, do you really see Eldin as a butterfly ???)

Oh ok, so now we just don't translate anything anymore. Remember how this isn't the first time this encyclopedia does that to me. You're right, why bother, I STILL HAVE TO FACT-CHECK THE BOOK ANYWAY, MIGHT AS WELL LEAVE IT AS IT WAS IN ENGLISH.

You know what else we could do ?

Leave actual mistakes in the book ! Let's forget a whole ass word in a sentence ! And why stop at random words ? Let's not proof read the title of the games ! Twillight Princess with two Ls ! What's next, MINISHIP CAP ??

(I said last time I'll never get over it, well, I didn't)

I think on my first post someone commented that the LoZ offical books weren't very accurate to begin with, and I hear that... But I still think there's a difference between accuracy and whatever the fuck this encyclopedia has going on

I spared you (and myself) some longer paragraphs that would have been harder to translate, but I swear to god it sounds like it hasn't been written by a human sometimes ! It's like they just put the whole book through a translator, and then went back to ADD some more mistakes ! I genuinely don't understand how an official product can be that bad !! It is hilarious, but also I want to bite through it sometimes.

I hope at least you enjoyed watching me lose my mind again ! It is fun to share how bad this book is, and I have to admit I had good laughs out of it. We haven't even attacked the items list yet... I'm scared ! But if I find atrocities, I'll report them here too.

(Maybe in like, 6 months, but I will !)

[littledeadpotato]

Dracula rant:)

1st post! This'll be a book review (not very professional, cuz im not a book critic, I'll probably just write down what I liked) of the 1897's novel Dracula by Bram Stoker which I finished last night (running on 3 hours of sleep). I had a Czech translation from the library (because money) and that was Omega version from 2017 (it has a nice cover, Go check it out). This one took me a while to read, mainly because last few months im really tired and go to bed at like 23.00(??), so I read like 15 pages a day. Now to the review ;D

Started: 25/11

Finished: 30/12

Rating: 4.25/5⭐

Fun-ness: 7/10

Lovable characters: 6.5/10

Amount-of-times-I-spaces-out-because-Van Helsing-was-talking-pages-and-pages-and pages: 100000/10

When I started this I had no idea what I was getting myself into (plot wise, I knew there'd be Vampires), but I really enjoyed this book. For a 19th century novel, the characters were really fun (most of them, I couldn't bring myself to be genuinely interested in Van Helsing), I really liked Dr. Seward, Reinfield and Lucy (I liked the rest too but these just stood out to me).

I wasn't a huge fan of the way the Czechs (and other similiar groups) were depicted, it was very "us, english men, Are educated and know science! Those guys, stupid, they believe in Vampires and are crude", very not cool. The way this book describes women is also very funny, Im not saying Bram had some hate towards woman (the opposite, I think he also wrote strong female characters in his other books), but it really shows when this was written, on one page, both the men and the women are like: ,,Oh men are so strong and brave, women are so soft and delicate, they can never be as brave as men", and on the next one, everyone is worshipping Mina (which - fair).

(Spoilers ahead)

I would divide the book in few parts:

Jonathan's stay with Dracula

Lucy

Vampire hunting

Jonathan's stay with Dracula

This part I really liked, I'm part of the problem, because im aware Jonathan was going thru his worst, but cmon, it was a little funny to see Dracula climb down a wall like a lizard and Jonathan describing it in sheer horror. There were few very fun moments, but sometimes when Dracula was talking for too long, I sort of spaced out (-> my fault). I also enjoyed that one time the 3 ladies tried to drink Jonathan's blood and Dracula was just like: ,Get tf out👊'.But it was fun.

2. Lucy

This is the part where Lucy becomes the first vampire our friends have to deal with! This was my favourite part. I just really liked Mina's and Lucy's friendship (or more, I wouldn't mind lesbian vampire rep ;P). The whole events around it were at some point very frustrating, because you know whats happening and what they should do, but Van Helsing is just waiting and then is like "source: trust me bro����", (speaking of Van Helsing, since my head is still full of Arcane, I kept imagining his voice sounding like Heimerdinger's, im sorry lol) which I understand but it results in things like one of the maids opening the window when Lucy was dead (or removing the wreath, I don't remember). Also all the stuff around the ship and the dog!!! Oh those are my fave parts of the book!!! I'm also pretty sure there were some chapters with John and Reinfield, which I also really liked. I was really dissapointed when Reinfield died cuz I enjoyed him as a character so much and was excited where his character gets (spoiler: to grave) and how his research continues (spoiler: it doesn't), that was my main moment of being pissed at Dracula and also when he started fucking with Mina which was a dick move honestly.

3. Vampire hunting

I'm pretty sure this was the longest part, which makes sense. I found it a bit funny, since Dracula keeps escaping and making his mischevious plans and spending money on shit and then Van Helsing, Arthur, John, Jonathan, Quincey and in certain parts Mina trying to catch him. It was a bit silly when I actually realised those babes are playing mouse and cat and also that Arthur spends shit ton money on this stuff. I dont even wanna know how it would go if neither of them was rich. How I said, wasn't a fan of Dracula being a bitch and making it Mina's problem, that sweet sweet woman didn't deserve it (I'm so glad Mina gets the recognision she should get in the book). ALSO CAN WE TALK ABOUT JONATHAN??? My poor man has been through the worst stuff possible through the book, he's in his late 20's and got grey hair and wrinkles just from Dracula. Also PTSD and some illness he had after getting out of the castle. Shout out to Jonathan for being the first wife guy and also LIVING THROUGH LITERAL HELL???? We dont talk about this enough T_T. Also here's my favourite fanart (idk if im just bad at looking for fanart, but this book doesn't have that much of it, like Dracula does but the side guys and Mina - Mina has few but most are with Dracula which is ickyyy - and Lucy.)

Credits to @hauntingyourself (I think)

The ending wasn't any revolutionary, it was good tho, also Quincey's death was so out my pocket, but im not complaining.

I'd also say why I liked and enjoyed this book was partially because I didn't take it as seriously, I mean I'll watch some analyses about it and all, but while reading, I was just having fun, and memes and silly fanart also helped with that.

It was a fun book, shout out to Mrs. Librarian who borrowed this book for me from another library 💋

Edit: also if you plan on reading/are reading Dracula I recommend listening to the album Empire of the vampire by Paralysed age :3

30/12/2024

[thebackestofburners]

Highway Apostles, Take Me In Your Arms

Say more please 0.0

Ok so both you and @quietwingsinthesky asked me about this one (and here's where I show my ass about how disorganized I am lol):

I have three wips under this title. One looks to have been a semi-solid attempt at some sort of "Sam-speaking-Enochian-post-hell" fic (a la "Words Like Glass" by Broken_Cinders on ao3, which I've read like a dozen times.)

They drive north after Bristol for no real reason—although Bobby does find a case—other than to put as much distance between themselves and any and all memories of that fucking city as fast as they possibly can. Without saying that’s what they’re doing, of course. The drive up is quiet. When it's not, they're filling the empty, quiet space with shop-talk and complaints about the weather (because while it had been cold in Bristol, it's cold as hell in Boston, and real fucking cold once they hit Maine.)

Another seems to have been a weird mystery spot just like, ficlet or something idk. It used second person (so this is how I know I was depressed when I wrote it but only lightly, I try different styles when I'm sad but not like drowning levels of sad.) No excerpt because I literally just have a sentence or two of what I was vibing with that day as the description in my docs.

And the third (from what I can gather from my notes) seems to have been like a Dean fic where Dean kept getting jumpscared by various supernatural entities that looked like Sam that would go from pre-series all the way past a post-Swan Song AU):

It wasn't the first hunt he'd been on, nor was it the first haunting. Nor, Dean knew, would it be the last (wasn't even close to being the last.)

And there was nothing particularly special about the hunt either: an abandoned, haunted mill, a nameless specter that clung to the twilight of life and death, and had a passion from ripping off the limbs of anyone that went anywhere near the place.

But there'd been a moment—a shining, flickering, horrific moment—where the gaunt face of the child who'd had his arm torn off sometime around the turn of the past century had looked, in the dying light of day, like Sammy.

And Dean had hesitated.

(Dad hadn't.)

Yeah idk the title is from a song called "Hand Back Down" from the band The Devil Makes Three (that album its on is one I've listened to more times than I can count) so I think I really just liked the line it's from a lot:

Highway Apostles, take me in your arms,

Living in these alleys gonna do me some harm,

I'm outside a truck stop talking in tongues,

Sermons to the deaf, selling salvation to the dumb

[kingdomoftyto]

Against my better judgment, I have watched the F/NaF movie

My coworkers talked me into it with their lukewarm-but-not-actually-all-that-negative reviews, and I gotta say that it.... yeah, pretty much meets those mediocre expectations exactly hgdsfsdgs

[Spoilers ahead, if that wasn't obvious from the readmore]

Pros:

surprisingly well-written and -acted main character. I kinda liked Mike and his personal arc was coherent and felt complete

not TOO many fanservicey references. I was afraid they were going to shoehorn in stuff from every single game and maybe talk about that Remnant stuff from the books and who knows what else, but it was RELATIVELY focused and without any numerous memes, so. good job on clearing that low bar ig

not OVERLY gory and with only a couple of sorta-jumpscares. (honestly probably leaned a little TOO safe on this end, was clearly pushing to appeal to the child audience, which... listen we don't have time to unpack that right now)

they definitely found.... A way to cram the events of the first 3 or so games into the same point in time! again, not as bad a job as you could have done, congrats!!

I did find it heartwarming to be reminded that the trapped souls are still children and to see them playing together as friends. you never really get to see that side of them in the games.

Cons:

*cradles that one Wendigoon video explaining the lore and timeline in my hands and weeps silently*

no no like I get it, I DO; they didn't have to adapt it exactly from the games, and I didn't expect them to!--and for the sake of simplicity (and runtime) it's probably good that they merged some events in the timeline--but why--WHY--do they always insist on flattening Afton even more into a 1-dimensional, evil-for-evil's-sake serial killer villain when there's a tragic tale of loss and descent into madness and quest for revenge RIGHT THERE

HE'S JUST A RANDO WHO KILLS CHILDREN (and??? security guards??? whom he hires?????) FOR KICKS NOW. COOL I GUESS

AND THEN ALL THE OTHER STUFF THAT MADE HIM INTERESTING HAS TO GO TOO BECAUSE HE'S JUST A CRAZY GUY WHO OWNS A RESTAURANT NOW HAHA

ghadjfhdsajgh seriously WHYYYYY HAVE HIM STUTTER ON MIKE'S LAST NAME AT THE BEGINNING IF NOT TO REVEAL THAT MIKE AND HIS SISTER WERE AFTONS ALL ALONG

no. no. I know why. because Vanessa.

V a n e s s a.

I knew deep in my heart that they were going to force the post-Ultimate Custom Night stuff on us AND YET I find myself disappointed anyway

but seriously. his daughter? VANESSA as William's DAUGHTER??

I gagged

I swear to god between the "Mike Sch-(!)" scene and all the shit with Elizabeth Abby being shoved into Circus Baby, I half wonder if the script was changed partway through and it WAS originally going to be a Michael Afton twist reveal.

all it would have taken, even with this version of Mike otherwise unchanged, would have been for him to have repressed the memory of his dad's face that day.

seriously if you can't give me tragic-backstory William, at LEAST give me twist reveal Michael Afton

anyway yeah they took all the big parts of the lore/story that make me actually care about the series and kinda spat on it, but to repeat myself once again: this was expected

......god and I can't believe they had the gall to have the animatronics killing ON AFTON'S ORDERS.................. don't even get me started. fuck.

anyway enough about divergence from the lore. moving on to other cons.....

what fanservice the movie DID have was still enough to make me roll my eyes pretty hard. as much as I thought it was nice to see the children's souls reflected in the animatronics, the parts where they were building forts and tickling Abby etc were nevertheless kinda dumb. and Vanessa joining in and encouraging it was very weird and EVEN dumber.

the criminals being sent in to rob the place only to be brutally murdered was. dumb. transparently an excuse to have some non-essential characters for the robots to kill. I mean I guess it was necessary because otherwise there'd be no way to show them actually killing anyone but. I mean if nothing else Max didn't deserve to die. what the hell was that about.

fuckin....... "that's just a theory"................. *breathes deeply for patience* just. all you have to do is have him show up and deliver a nondescript line. you can have a delightful cameo without making a whole scene screech to a halt like that. literally you could have just made him the "what an asshole!" pharmacist. fans still would have pointed and shouted upon seeing his face, and he still would have had a funny little line without it being a clunky wink to the audience. he's not a bad actor, either--I've seen him in some misc youtube skits--this was just a dumb scene.

as I kinda hinted at earlier, I think there maybe could have been MORE jumpscares, if anything? and coming from me, that's saying something. or maybe it's not the quantity, but the way the scares didn't have the impact I was expecting. Foxy rushing that guy in the hallway wasn't NEARLY as scary (or as fast??) as how he sprints in the game. c'mon, let 'em mimic things a little more 1:1 for at least ONE scare--it's what the series is known for!

(related side note: cannot BELIEVE there was no Toreador March from Freddy himself. how the hell.)

............ugh hhhhfffhfggggh nnnngghh seriously though MOSTLY I'm just mad that they made Afton so damn boring. he wasn't even scary when he did show up in the rabbit suit.... goofy-ass kitchen knife.... get the hell OUTTA here.......

anyway it was... fine!

.... as a standalone story. I guess. it's whatever.

it's a goofy horror movie dubiously targeted at kids, what can ya do

[thedirge]

“A woman got shot not too far away from my club downtown last week—a stray bullet from a shootout in Juarez, which is maybe the equivalent of six or seven blocks away,” says At the Drive-in guitarist Jim Ward over the phone from his home in El Paso. “The violence rarely spills over, but you can feel it, you know. If you want to kill someone, all you have to do is go to Juarez, where the law is all but obsolete and the consequences are either retaliation or nothing at all.”

“It was one of the most fucked up places back then," says Jim of his hometown, where he lives now with his wife. "But it wasn't anger fueling the music. It was just being frustrated from living in El Paso. It was such a clusterfuck. But everybody was in it together. Everybody played with everybody's band; everyone knew each other. It was like a gang." According to Ward, it’s this mentality that brought the band back together for their Coachella appearance. "There's no amount of money in the world that could make this worthwhile if it wasn't for the friendships." he says. "If it didn't feel comfortable, we wouldn't have done it. I mean, I love these guys. We grew up together. And in a way, you're fucking with your history. You're opening your book and starting to write again—and we were fine with our history. We can all sit in a room and get along, but if the music isn't working…

“Anyways, it was only yesterday when we plugged in and started rehearsing. Within a nanosecond we knew it was perfect, and that was it. If that wasn't there, there'd be no point.”

While Coachella also marks other reunion firsts—Swedish hardcore veterans Refused and the Buzzcocks' classic lineup among them—there's arguably few with as chaotic and confusing a past as At the Drive-In.

Listening to Zavala and Ward speak, it’s evident a lot of that chaos and confusion traces back to those formative days in EI Paso. For any band currently laboring through the unforgiving times of Could it be more felicitous that At the Drive-In's sound was birthed a mere few music business ebb-and-flow and the dying throes of AOR rock, the singer says. "I was trying to escape as a kid, and I was lucky enough to tour and travel young," adds Ward. "But kids in those port cities, sometimes they just want to get the fuck away. That’s one reason so many get jobs on ships. When they tell me that, I get it. It's the same now; it really wasn't much better in the mid-‘90s, either.”

“We were basically the black sheep of EI Paso," Zavala recalls of their first few years. "No one was really stoked on us. I think if there are any true fans there; they'll remember that a lot of the time there were maybe three people at our shows—like Omar's dad and two other people."

Ward freely admits to having a love-hate relationship with his hometown. It's where he helped start At the Drive In at age 17, and where the band ultimately agreed to put it on hiatus some seven

Despite playing to small crowds in smaller venues, the band's

determination only grew. "If people hated us, it only incensed that gang-like

years later—a band break that never officially ended. But Ward is also quick to

attitude," remembers Ward. "People would be in the front row, booing us and

credit the town with helping birth their own sui generis brand of rock 'n' roll. It's

telling us we sucked, and we were just like, 'Fuck you, we have the mic, and

*i

a sound that's likely flustered many a fan who would attempt to describe it to a

we don't care if there’s a thousand of you. We're still gonna do what we want."

friend, if only in hopes of categorizing it: post-punk, noise rock. Sewn together

Eventually their on-stage performances caught the eye of fledgling indie label

with Zavala's cut and paste prose, ATDIs music played like a mutant brainchild

Flipside, who signed ATDI the same night the band played to a crowd of only

between latter day William Burroughs and a '90s, ADHD-afflicted youth. A

nine people. Thus followed touring, three albums (the third, Relationship of

Command, on the Beastie Boys' Grand Royal label), some MTV exposure via

counterculture hungry for something not too Blink-182 but also not too Mr.

Bungle. A Frankenstein of sorts, forged from caustic beginnings in both El Paso

their video for "One-Armed Scissor," and still more touring, Soon the road began

to take its toll.

and its violent sister city across the border.

THERES NO AMOUNT OF MONEY IN THE WORLD THAT COULD

MAKE THIS WORTHWHILE IF IT WASNT FOR THE FRIENDSHIPS."

"People kept trying to book shows," remembers Ward scornfully. "There was no

In its own way, none of this intermittent chaos seems surprising to Zavala and

record company telling us what to do, but the frustration came with touring

Ward. Maybe that's because both, in their own respective ways, have been

and the exhaustion that followed. It kept going. No one ever stepped in to stop

surrounded by death and drama their entire lives. Ward lost his cousin to an

it, evon though they could see what was happening to us. No one ever bothered

apparent heroin overdose in 2003. In 1996, Zavala's close friend Julio Venagas

to say, “Slow down.” One day, Omar and Cedric said they were gonna go their

committed suicide, and his friends Laura Beard and Sarah Reisler (both from

separate ways, and I just felt this wave of relief." He’s quiet for a moment. "It

another ElPaso band called Fall on Deaf Ears) were kılled in an auto accident

wasnt hard; we were just kids. It’s not like we had mansions and mortgage

that same yoar. Zavala credits being able to perform live as a primary reason he's

payments to make.

still sane.

"We'd had this ‘six month rule' thing, too," he adds, "which meant that before we

"I guess the affinity comes from the frustration of all those years, and channeling

would break up, we’d take six months off to think about it. That’s where it sort of

it into my live show. Sometimes I'm at a loss for words, and if I can dance it out,

went wrong. Nobody ever really honored that agreement.”

if I can freak out and break stuff and knock shit around, then I'm tapping into that

I'm tapping into myself, and when I’m doing it publicly, that’s when it’s

Zavala doesn't hesitate to address all the rother factors that supposedly led to

the truest form of who I am.”

ATDI's dissolution, including what was, by his own admittance, "just all my

As for those stream-of-consciousness lyrics, how do they hold up 11 years later?

shit-talking and hiding behind things." A chronic pot-smoker back then, Zavala

Do fans ever approach him, relating how they relate to them? The

found band life difficult to adjust to. I wasn’t stepping up to the plate. I became

answer seems to be a resounding yes, if not completely the way Zavala had anticipated.

a completely grumpy bastard, and I couldn’t do anything without pot. You know

Jon Stewart's character in Half Baked? I was like that. It was a great way of

distancing myself from people. All I gotta do is smoke and then I’ll get on stage

“One timel I got a phone call from my manager, who put me on the phone with this

and be fine. Now I believe my choices were my choices. I'm not fully better or

kid who was on a ledge, and I had to talk him down," Zavala remembers. "He

changed, in the sense that I still am dealing with my anger issues."

was calling me trom Sweden after we’d played a show there, and he was about

to kill himself. He kept asking, “does this lyric mean this?' I just had to say to

Zavala insists he's neither condemning or condoning his past behavior. "One thing

him that whatever you can get from it, I nope it’s a positive

I've learned is that I can't put other peoples' ethics in," he adds. "lf that's what

thing. I didn't know what to say to the guy. AIl I could think was that he was

works for them then they gotta reach for whatever level in life works for them. AII I

going to kill himself.There was no negative hidden meaning, but I couldn’t

know is that quitting is working for me, and my wallet says,

explain myselt, really. Just, “Don't make life so short. It’s worth living.”

"Thank you. Now we can spend money on studio time for your records.”

Between the touring and the drugs, however, Zavala admits he had trouble

Few would argue that a breaking polnt for the band came with the band's 2001

making himselt believe that credo. He still sounds unsure as to why. "I had

Big Day Out Festival appearance in Brisbane, Australia. Caught in a violent

to go play on stage, and before I went on, other people would come up and tell

me, ‘This song has spoken to me because I had an abortion, and it helped me

mosh pit during Limp Bizkit's set, 17-year old Jeasica Michalik was crushed by

the crowd and rushed to a hospital. Despite being revived, she died of a heart

get through these things." Now you go back and look at the lyrics and you say,

attack five days later. It was an incident some might say the band was prescient

‘holy shit! What the hell was I thinking back then? It took me ten years to go

back and listen and sort of realize that I'm just an antenna—I'm really just

enough to foresee. "We didn’t want to be the soundtrack to broken bones,"

Zavala says, recalling their set earlier in the day. “There were people surfing on

picking up stuff. I mean, I grew up in the suburbs, my parents put food on the

cach other. I mean, thoy were literally taking boogie boards and surfing off each

, and I just got mad at the things a young man gets angry at.”

other’s skin. It was painful to watch, and so we walked off.I don’t favor the brutal. I

meek, especially in a situation like that."

In addition to that rebellious attitude, El Paso also serves as a source of pride.

"When I think of Texas—when I think of EI Paso—I think of the Butthole Surfers

"We'd always watch out for the kids in the front," adds Ward, "but at that

and Scratch Acid," says Zavala. "I think ot Fearless lranians from Hell, bands likey

festival, people just kept on doing it. After that we had to say fuck it.”

that. That stuff was really extreme. When I was just a teen skateboarding around

EI Paso Zorlad Skateboards were the most sought-after board in the state. And

A month after the Australian Festival, At the Drive-In offiçially broke up, citing

it was mostly because ot theur "Fuck You!" attitude. I remember their logo on a

mental and physical exhaustion. The six-month break passed; Ward, Hajjar and

t-shirt, which read, Fuck You, we're from Texas!” We were coming from a place

Hinojos Conzalez formed Sparta, while Cedric and guitarist Omar Rodnguez-

that broke rules all the time, and that was the feeling that came up when Tony

contacted me last time. Just, “Let's do it."

Lopez formed The Mars Volta (later to be joined by Hinojos in 2005). The five

rarely spoke over the following decade.

"We've done a lot ot growing up over the past 11 years," adds Ward. "Finally you find

yourself surrounded by people you trust and love. Those are these guys, for me.”

Canyon.”

[adventures-in-lyres]

Like I love the heartfelt connection with fearne. Love that for you.

But my guy.

You are a lucky fuck who didn't die.

I know I saw posts about people being upset at him saying things about how he doesn't trust the others or letting anyone else have stuff.

But it makes sense. His last group basically left him for dead. Of course they wouldn't want people having their stuff. But Ashton said that they loved this new group. He trusts them. But they also know that if the others knew, they'd stop it. And this is the closest thing to finding answers for the past he's got.

This comes from Ashton. Who spent the first half of the campaign saying that they don't trust, they don't have friends, they don't have family.

But now we are here. At the end of the world as they know it. Saying things about how he's finally found the closest thing to family he's ever known. Especially after hearing about Delilah and the shit she said to Fearne. Ashton isn't gonna let someone else take the burden. Fearne has other shit going on with the whole everything with the crown and junk. Who else would take it? Orym who said he'd accept death if it was necessary? FCG who already has so much identity issues? Chet who is already "cursed" with lycanthropy? Laudna who is dealing with Delilah again? Imogen who has her own mother in the midst of the end of the world?

Of course the angry one who said there'd be no one left to miss him if everything goes down in the worst case scenario would be the one to take it.

CR spoilers for campaign 3 episode 77

Ashton. What the fuck.

[hopelessheadache]

𝐌𝐚𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦 𝐜𝐮𝐦 𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚 𝐟𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐩𝐭. 𝟏

⤷ 𝐛. 𝐤𝐚𝐭𝐬𝐮𝐤𝐢, 𝐤. 𝐞𝐢𝐣𝐢𝐫𝐨𝐮, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐤. 𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐤𝐢 <𝟑

𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 | 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 𝐩𝐭 𝟐

⤷ 𝐜𝐰 - daddy kink, hair pulling

⤷ 𝐰𝐜 - 888 words

⤷ he'd probably be hella embarrassed ngl

⤷ but who can blame him? sometimes my boy is just needy

⤷ it probably only happen with something new,, or sumn that hasnt happened in a bit

⤷ like if u give him head for the first time/first time in a while, than he might definitely bust

You sink down on your knees with a smirk settled on your face, it had been a while since you gave Katsuki head and you knew it drove him wild. "You seem so eager to suck my cock, babe." Katsuki says, teasing you. "Yeah, well judging on how hard you are right now, I'd day you're pretty eager for me to take it. He grumbles but lets out no real response. You lean your head down, taking in tip, sucking on and swirling your tongue around the head. Katsuki groans, throwing one arm over his face, the other planted softly in your hair. You tease him slightly by just focusing on the head, but when he least expected it, you swiftly took him all in. Almost all of him was in your mouth, he felt the head of his cock hit the back of your throat. He moans out, hips bucking up into you, on the brink of losing it. "Babe, fucking chill out I'm-" But it was too late, you hit him with the last finishing touch. You hollowed out your mount, wrapping your tongue on the underside of his cock. "FUCK!" Katsuki cums with a shout, a load of hot, thick, cum hit the back of your throat. You pull away, opening your mouth to say something. "Don't. Even." Is all Katsuki says, face a searing red from embarrassment.

⤷ like post nut he'd be hella embarrassed as he processes what the hell just happened

⤷ no matter what he's gonna make you cum just as fast and even harder than he did.

⤷ get ready for a long night of being fuckin pounded i guess

⤷ i think he wouldn't be too embarrassed, flustered maybe

⤷ would find it hot. like SO sexy that you just made him bust so quickly, just by your sheer sexiness.

⤷ there'd be no like refractory period, he'd almost immediately be rock hard again

⤷ would definitley laugh at himself

⤷ he'd try just a tad bit harder to make sure you felt good afterwards

"So, what d'ya think?" You ask, showing off your body and the outfit. Eijrou felt himself get absolutely rock solid in his pants. He always thought that you looked amazing, but the lingerie made you look just a that much more. He wanted to do so many things to you. "Fuck, babe. You look absolutely stunning." Looking down at his crotch, smirking you respond. "Yeah, I thought so." You walk over to him. cupping his hard cock through his pants. "Seems as if, I have something that desperately needs to be taken care of here, hm?" Eijirou shudders, slightly embarrassed on how much hes getting of to the tone of your voice. Making quick work of his pants and boxers, you free his cock, taking into your hands, applying the perfect amount of pressure. "Tch. Look at this. You are dripping so much pre everywhere, Eiji. Making such a mess." You end every word with a stroke to his cock, and to be completely honest, Eijirou was not gonna last much longer, and you cold tell. Leaning in real close, you whisper the finishing touch in his ear. "Aw, are you gonna cum just from this? Then cum for me, daddy." And that did it. He came on the SPOT. "Fuck, babe, that was- that was fuckin' amazing. Now, let daddy, make you feel even better.

⤷ i guarantee that whatever you did, it was something kinky

⤷ HAIR PULLING

⤷ you pulled his hair,,

⤷ t'was a kink neither of you knew he possessed

⤷ he thought it was hot of course because it felt good

⤷ but like,, he came in his pants.

The two of you feverishly made out, teeth clashing, hands roaming and groping just about any surface area they could get, and bodies rolling and grinding against each other. With each roll of your hips, you felt just how hard Denki was through his shorts and it excited you. Denki broke the kiss to move down to your neck, sucking hickies in all the right places. "Oh, yes, Denks. Right there. The way he was just pleasuring you felt immensely good, and you needed something to grab. Coincidentally, his hair was just, right there. So you settled your hands in hair softly. But when Denki got to a particularly good spot, you tugged on his golden locks. You don't know what you expected to happen after that, but what you hadn't expected was for your boyfriend to moan out as his body froze, hips jerking upwards repeatedly. Once he was finished, you break the silence. "Denki.. did you just cum in your pants?" Denki, being the king of having shame, just smiled weakly. "Damn straight."

[damiano-mylove]

The members of Måneskin with a chubby S/O

Tw for this one - dealings with eating disorders, food insecurities, discussing what would happen if someone made a weight directed comment toward you, lil bit of swearing

Tell us if it's entirely wrong, disrespectful or any of the sort

*Masterlist*

Vic

You already know that Vic would steal an absolute plethora of your clothes, though she'd always tell you there'd be no way that she could look better in them than you

Vic would always boost your self-esteem in ways that wouldn't occur to you until you started to feel better and better about body image

If you felt self-conscious while eating, Vic would always eat with you and talk with you to ease your stress and worry

Vic would support you if you wanted to lose weight; but she wouldn't have you starving yourself because you mean far too much to her to be hurting yourself and putting yourself through that

And you wouldn't be losing weight for her, because Vic loves you exactly the way you are

If someone made an insensitive comment toward you, Vic would immediately get up in arms - that person would come away crying

Your chub didn't really matter to Victoria in a negative way; there was more of you to love, to hold, and to cherish, and besides, Vic fell in love with your mind and soul

Thomas

King of sleeping on you

If he has the chance, Thomas will be laying his head on your thighs, between your thighs or with his arms wrapped around your thighs - he strikes as a thigh guy

Thomas loves your thickness, and he doesn't mind it whatsoever

Meals are always shared together, no matter what, so eating alone stopped being a massive worry for you almost as soon as you two started going out

Thomas definitely knows how to sew, and he would sew you clothes by hand - somehow he knew exactly what size you were to a T and everything was an absolute perfect fit

If cellulite or stretch marks bothered you, Thomas would massage oils into them in the evenings, after you had a shower, but only after kissing every one of them and assuring you that he thought they were just as beautiful as you

When I tell you every chubby S/O appreciation post on Instagram would be liked by Thomas, I mean it

If someone dared to make a comment about your weight in front of Thomas, he would either immediately remove you from the situation, or he would get all up in the person's face and pick a fight

Thomas greatly appreciated your thickness, more than you'd ever expect

Ethan

Ethan would never ever give you a backhanded compliment

He's quite mindful to always be respectful and think about what he's saying before he admires you out loud (he's always admiring you internally)

How could he ever detest your weight when you fit in his arms ever so perfectly and just as you both adore?

Fatphobia would set Ethan the fuck off - to the point where he even got in trouble for labeling some stupid asshole who thought it would be okay to call you a name in his presence

If you think for a second that Ethan would avoid being with you in public because of your body, you are completely and entirely wrong and Ethan would be the proudest man in the world to have you be his side

You're the last one Ethan sees at night, and the first one he sees in the mornings; and that fact alone means more to him than any number on a scale ever will

Damiano

Right off the bat: if Damiano spotted any eating disordered behaviours, he would sit your ass right down and have a long talk with you

Whether it be binge-eating, purging, restricting, or anything like that, either to make you lose weight or having a lack of control over food, Damiano wouldn't let you go through something so heavy and horrible - and he would be right beside you in recovery

That said, Damiano has absolutely no problem with you being a bit chubby

He is proud and happy to be your boyfriend, and he loves your thickness just as much as he loves you (which is a massive, massive amount)

Damiano is always stealing hugs from you at every hour of the day, because he knows you give the best hugs and they seem to replenish his energy for the day

Pity the fool to say something about your weight in front of Damiano, because Damiano would lose every sense of humanity and sight of the law - because, in the moment, he's defending his love and sweet fuck all means more to him than you

k tell me if its shitty or if i need to change anything

[taylor]

loooong rambly post about my feelings, u can scroll past i've just gotta Vent

this is small but i unfollowed the guy i've been trying desperately to get over (on twitter only tho) and like, it's a small step but it's in the right direction (and also tbh if ur mutuals w someone on twitter and NEVER interact, and ur friends, it's kinda weird??? like NO interactions over the last 12 months, like what...)

idk, i'm not the kind of person that's just on call for this dude whenever he wants to get down and dirty, like i've gotta have more respect for myself than that.

and tbh, it's VERY telling when he'd interact with me in places others couldn't really see (DMs, discord, even tumblr) but on the more public places (twitter, sometimes instagram), it'd be diddly-squat except a like on an IG photo or something. it just hurts and kinda showed me he didn't want people in his real life (i.e. the girl i know he's had feelings for for a while) to see him interacting with me. (wonder why? - oh, i have a guess. probably because he liked that woman and didn't want her to see him talking to me since he's only romantically interested in her and not me...he basically told me as much 3 years ago when my DUMB FUCKING ASS told him i liked him....lololol)

i mean, i can't be mad at him that he doesn't like me back that way, i understand i can't fault someone who did in fact tell me in 2019 that he "didn't like me exactly like that" -- but i can put my foot down and not be accessible to him anymore in the FWB way we had. lmao

i'm just kinda rambling at this point and i certainly don't expect anyone to read this whole thing (or tbh any of it but i'm writing this mainly for me) but i've been carrying around the massive weight of this tormenting crush for almost FOUR fucking years, it's high time i put myself first. like there'd be times where he'd ignore me or not reply for months (which is fine, god knows i do that) but my issue came into play when he'd message me after his months-long hiatus like with the horniest shit ever. like okay you can't bother to wish me a fucking happy birthday (and i know he saw m like 50 stories bc he watched them immediately as i was posting them, so he knew it was my birthday lol), or reach out when you saw me about to be fired (again, i knew he saw the stories so this isn't me just reaching), or reach out when you saw i was in a depressive spiral (i don't need saving but it'd be nice to have someone check in on me SOMETIME...... BUT YOU CAN REACH OUT WHEN U WANT UR DICK WET???? that's the craziest part! he's got NO trouble triple or quadruple messaging me with his horny ass but can't be assed to wish me a happy birthday when he was basically viewing everything i posted that day starting pretty early. idk i just notice shit like that.

sorry sorry i just, i've realized i deserve more than this dude that i somehow convinced myself was "the one" due to how infatuated i'd become with him.

the person who loves me and that i love in return will inherently understand that i am NOT someone you can love quietly, i am not someone that you can just ignore until you're horny.

i'm choosing myself and i'm putting myself first and that started with me not replying to his last (pathetic) attempt to reach back out a few weeks ago (didn't even mention a late bday which tbh i'm not anal about birthday wishes on the ACTUAL day and usually a month after my bday is totally fine like i don't expect a day of, or anything - tho it'd be nice and he'd done it every year in the past besides this one) - and unfollowing him on twitter and removing him as my follower on there since he never liked or replied to anything i ever did (Which to me, and this is my personal opinion, was fucking WEIRD since he was active on there ALL the time).

it's still gonna take me a while to fully, truly get over him, but it's not fair to him to expect him to be someone he's not and clearly can't be - and it's not fair to me to keep pretending he's eventually going to change his ways. i hope he finds whatever the fuck it is he's looking for, but it's not with me.

it kinda feels good to have withdrawn from him. i doubt he'd put two and two together (i.e that his behavior and lack thereof was the reason i ended things) but maybe eventually later in life, he'll realize what a prize, what a catch, what a lover i could have been.

and by then? by then i'll be with someone who knows how to love me loudly and doesn't make me agonize over their actions.

(sidenote: he'd call me baby all the time, call me sexy, say shit like "Thank god for women, like thank god for you", and even tho I knew he was probably just saying shit, both of us knew i had at one point in time liked him - i never told him i still did and maybe he assumed as much...but like he'd be doing all this shit that made me doubt his original claim that he didn't have feelings for me. but now that it's been years and years i've realized he only wants me when it's convenient for him, and that doesn't work for me. it doesn't. i'm fucking done agonizing over whether or not he'd like my stuff or reply to me or whatever the fuck, like i'm just truly done at this point. if he wanted to, he would have, and it's as fucking simple as that)