#i fought with myself over whether or not to post this bc i spent a lot of time on it

[grellios]

here's some old art i never posted

click for better quality!

[ccrtana]

i don’t need to know

A/N: I was doing the dishes yesterday and the song “I Don’t Need To Know”, by Maddie and Tae, came on. I couldn’t stop thinking about this idea for a Rowaelin AU... So I wrote it! I’m very proud of myself for finishing this first part and wanted to challenge myself into posting it. Where anyone could read it. Who knew this was so nerve wrecking (major props to all the authors out there who do this on a regular basis). Thank you for reading :)

i.

The silence is the only tolerable thing about the Western Wastes, as far as Rowan’s opinion is concerned. The improvised base his team is staying at is close to the routes they have to watch, but far enough from Briarcliff that all he can hear at night is the wind and sounds from people around camp, minimal noise at one in the morning. It almost made the heat during the day and the dust that was everywhere tolerable, this peacefulness at night time. Almost.

On the outer edge of the base, Rowan lets himself fall against one of the vehicles to try to take his mind off of the never ending meeting he just had with mission command. He should probably be going to bed, but there is too much information swirling around his mind to just lay down and sleep. He takes his phone out of the pocket, there are a few unanswered texts he didn’t have time to look at during the day.

Running a hand through his silver hair, he opens the conversation with his mother. He is met sequence of photos: a beautiful lasagna his mom cooked as dinner for the evening, a selfie of his parents as they beam at the camera, a shot of the pup they had recently adopted as he destroyed what looked a lot like one of his dad’s shoes. Rowan’s soft smile can’t be fought, taking over before he knows it.

This isn’t the first time he is deployed somewhere far from home and it will not be the last, so it’s not as if he isn’t used to it. But some days are particularly harder than others, and today he is specially missing his family and his life in Terrasen. Next week, he will complete three months away and officially reach the middle of his service. Rowan replies to his mother’s pictures with one of his own, capturing the sky full of stars above him and wishes her a good night, even though she won’t be seeing this until morning.

There are more messages in the group chat he is in with his cousins, but he just scrolls past those. Apparently, they had all gone out to some bar tonight and drunk texting had ensued. Nothing that made sense, so Rowan didn’t even bother trying to decipher what any of it meant. A private chat with one of his cousin’s catches his eyes, though.

Sellene: heyyy, went out todaay nd u wont believe who i just saw

Sellene: [attachment.picture_6474]

Sellene: that is aelin right???

Sellene: this dress is gorgggg do yuo think i can go ask where its from?

The picture is blurry and there are a lot of people in the shot, but he would recognize the blonde woman anywhere, in any crowd. Aelin Galathynius is wearing a red dress that seems to have been made just for her, based on the way it fits her body perfectly. Standing next to her is another woman with dark brown hair, probably Lysandra, and another shorter one, Elide, if he had to guess. Rowan can’t seem to breath right and his body tenses.

He hasn’t really seen Aelin in four months, since they broke up and he deleted all the photos he had with her on his phone. Seeing her now is a shock to say the least. They did not end their relationship in the best of terms. One fight, and it was as if the year they spent together, the best of Rowan’s life, meant nothing, both too proud and too angry to back down and be civil. Even thinking about her sets him on edge. Sellene must have been really drunk to text him this. The more he reads of the thread, the stronger the ache in his heart gets.

Sellene: was goin up to her but someone arrived :/

Sellene: [attachment.picture_6475]

Sellene: do u know who that is?? ive never seen him

Sellene: is it too weird if i go up there and say hi, remember me? sellene ur ex’s cousin also where is ur dress from? endy says it is…. boohooo

The second picture his cousin sent is also of Aelin, but now she is sitting on a corner booth at whatever bar they were in. And there is a guy right next to her, way too close and staring way too deeply into her turquoise ringed with gold eyes, not visible in this photo, but forever etched into Rowan’s memories, for him to pretend he doesn’t know what was happening.

Rowan’s hand tenses around his phone and the silence he appreciated just minutes ago now makes everything worse. Because the love of his life is miles and miles away, in someone else’s arms, laughing at him with the smile that has been the star of all of Rowan’s dreams since they met, and he has no one to blame but himself for this pain. And there is nothing he can do, not just due to the fact that he is in the Wastes while Aelin is all the way in Orynth, but because she has moved on, and now it’s too damn late.

Sellene: now everyone is making angry faces at me bc i told them i sent u the pics

Sellene: but the way i see it u should know that ur ex is moving the fuck on so u can just text that girl i told u about alreadyyy

Sellene: srry if that was rude, but u deserve to be happy too

Rowan stands up straight and gives himself a second to think his reply through. He isn’t feeling very rational right now and doesn’t want to be rude to his clearly plastered cousin. It’s not as if he hasn’t considered whether Aelin has gotten over him before tonight, imagining what was going on in her life, what she was doing and who with, when he was feeling particularly bad. But it is different from seeing it so clearly. Hurts a hell of a lot more now that it’s not just him beating himself up over his stupidity for letting her go, now that this is reality. He settles with the true.

Rowan: i dont need to know who is keeping aelin company

Rowan: so stop telling me

On the walk back to his sleeping quarters, he deletes the conversation with Sellene. Rowan doesn’t need any more reminders of what he has lost.

[countessgreytea]

I stumbled upon a forum and started reading through some MM threads.  One anonymous poster had some interesting things to share in a thread from late September 2018: 

So, I volunteered/worked for the DOS during the end of her toronto years and the transition. I don't like to bash black industry because I feel it's vital for us to make our own opportunities and grow our own wealth, but this tea is absolutely true, and then some. Certain power players would absolutely fawn over her when they met her with her ex husband and when she went to audition would literally laugh in her face. I will defend her against anyone calling her a hooker. That's absolutely untrue. She made a lot of her extra money by befriending fashion people and ultimately getting paid for appearances at dinners/red carpets. She was an opportunist, but honestly if it were a dude, we wouldn't be judging him the way people judge her. I can honestly say that the relationship timeline given to the public regarding Harry is false. If you find that interview with her ex's mom and read between the lines, you'll see it. She has historically not been great with timelines. If people have questions I can answer a few. I'm still in touch with her because I've moved on to work for her friend who is very much in touch with her.

.....

So she and CV (the ex) were as good as engaged even around the end of April - they were both at my birthday dinner. CV is engaged to a singer and they have a baby on the way - that's how ready he was to start a family. He's a really good guy. Even now when I go in to one of his joints and he's around we chat and he offered his family vacation home for me to take my mom for a week. I don't often say this about white men, but I really respect him, he reminds me of my dad. It's a little hard to believe now, but she was more of an earthy Cali girl pre-prince, so they weren't super serious about a formal engagement. CV was totally head over heels and the only reason they were waiting was bc meg really wanted to branch into movies and do something meaningful before settling down with kids and moving into a travel/food show. "Think Bourdain meets Nora Ephron meets hippie chic" is what I wrote in my notes when we were writing up a proposal. I was actually really excited about it, I was going to work on the show. Priyanka Chopra has sorta copied the idea and but changed it so she meets famous people lol. (I have PC tea too, someone point me to a thread and I'll post). Prinze was seeing someone. I hope you'll respect that I won't spill bc that could get me into real trouble. He and nutmeg actually met in the run up to invictus, she "wanted to help" but this is code for wanted to make connections. When they met sparks flew and basically she was like damn issa prince and made her moves accordingly. There was a month between the breakup and the first date and the breakup actually wasn't "final" it was "just a break." She said she was feeling like she was in a rut. From date #1 onwards it was a whirlwind. It was really lovely to watch two people fall in love but very tough bc I knew what had gone down prior. As far as I know she is not pregnant, she is doing IVF though and it has caused a little bloat. That's why her clothes are rarely fitted. She'll be pregnant towards the end of the Aussie tour if all goes as planned. She is very calculating but I really respect her game. For example, that story about the corgis laying at her feet was planted bc white people love anything to do with dogs (I mean, so do the rest of us but white people don't have great attention spans, let's be totally real). She has a natural strategic intelligence from her mother. I cannot say enough wonderful things about her mother. Oprah and Iyanla got nothing on her, imo. This prince thing is the first time ms.meg did someone dirty since I started working for her. She secured the bag, so good for her, I guess.

.....

Made moves - set up the Wimbledon appearance and "happened" to be at the soho house hotel so prinze and her could see each other again. It's a hotel that the public doesn't have the same kind of access too. 

.....

about the engagement interview, and the corgi anecdote:

Oh girl, you don't even know what I did for that interview. Just because Harry told the story doesn't mean it wasn't planted. They planted in the interview so that people would go "aww." Think about the placement of that anecdote - right after they spoke about meeting family and how they'd spent a lot of time together in the past 1.5 years. The story was to push that narrative over the edge by associating it with a sweet story.

.....

Someone replied that MM was in Mexico when PH was in Toronto ahead of IG:

My girl, this doesn't mean we didn't reach out and get in touch with the invictus team. The Internet issa crazy thing!

.....

Whether PH knew about CV:

I actually don't know much about this side of the story - I worked for the DOS, not the prince. I never had access to her personal texts or anything. From what I felt though, I don't think he knew exactly how serious they were

.....

Sure! Auntie Dee has been through a lot in her own life. People haven't looked much into her own childhood, but there was family tension and abuse, but she never let that get her down. She was quick to compliment on good character "thank you for your honesty" "thank you for your grace" "i admire your strength." She really is crazy about yoga though, she says it helps preserve the body. She is not at all judgmental to people who do yoga the first time, including myself, and doesn't like that white women culture vulture yoga from Indians - she is fierce about respecting heritage. She loves gardening. She is lowkey a very strong Christian...idk how that fits with yoga tbh but she's cool with it. She is completely self-made and raised up several black women and other women of color in her professional life (yoga and social work and other artistic endeavours)

..... About the article with CV’s mom : “Mrs Vitiello surmises that Meghan and Cory had been apart for about three months before she first met Harry.”: 

Regarding that Daily Mail article: the specific wording is surmised. The meaning of the word surmise is to suppose something is true without having the evidence to confirm it. I know the person trying to poke holes in my tea won't believe it, but that specific word was fought over and eventually money was paid in order for that specific word to be used.

.....

I could be wrong here - I'm definitely not in her inner circle anymore (professionally there is no real room for upward movement, I started working for her blog so I could eventually work in digital publication and PR). I also know nothing about IVF - I just heard from my boss (her friend) that it causes bloat and it's really unfair that people judge her. I know for sure she is on IVF bc she needed an injection during her trip to Toronto and her PPOs were unhappy and my boss talked about it a lot.

.....

There are a lot of royal "rules" that the family must abide by that aren't normal for you and me, including medication. The physician must be present alongside the assistant to ensure that the shot has not been tampered with, etc. Remember, British royalty goes back to the days of people poisoning each other regularly, there are still archaic rules. I don't know more than that, I'm only peripherally in her life anymore. 

.....

someone asked about PH/MM’s dynamic:

I only saw the beginning, until the move to London. They are both demonstrative, but just from knowing her, I can tell she's a little more cautious in public - she doesn't want to seem too American/gauche. She'll probably relax as she has kids and sinks into her role, you know? It's tough to be totally yourself when you have so many eyes on you.

.....

Do the BRF like MM?

All I've been told is that they love her but they way it's been said seemed like the person who said it was trying to convince themselves as well as me. From emails and coordination purposes, "the firm" aka the staff took to her really well and Prince Chuck liked her a lot too. 

.....

What happened in Toronto with photographers before PH made his statement?

People were trying to break into her house and get onto the Suits set. She jetted to London one evening and eight hours later the statement had been released. It was released like 6 AM ET, I believe. 

.....

Her husband, as far as I know, was not a good dude. She never went into specifics but the person who worked for her prior alway said to forward any emails from him to her lawyer. Their relationship was not good. 

.....

About Suits, and were other family members at her wedding:

She speaks to the women and Rick, not so much Patrick and Gabe but was genuinely on good terms with everyone. I think she misses it, she tries to be normal by going about doing the same things she did in Toronto but I don't think it's the same. It's okay, she's a princess, she'll survive. Other family members were there, yes. 

.....

Oof, where you got all this sourness from? No bankruptcy, no jail (though she did work at correctional facilities). I think the living with her dad thing was just because of proximity to her school. I believe she spent Friday to Sunday evenings with her mom. 

.....

Her offering help with IG:

So she was not volunteering the way you or I would volunteer, but she was reaching out to ask whether she could lend her knowledge of Toronto and relationships with people there to help make things run smoothly. It's not really work, it's basically just talking lol. All these celebs who say they are the UN ambassador for whatever just go on paid vacations to poor folks' homes and film themselves being selfless aka playing with kids and then "lending their support" aka throwing a bit of money or "having high-level conversations." They were both in relationships at the time they first connected and the time they first met. She was looking to see if there was an opening for her, if that makes sense. The "first date" they talk about combines their first meeting and then the actual date after he expressed interest (they broke up with others to date, but remember, DOS told her ex that it was a break because she felt she was in a rut and not feeling connection with him). They definitely were texting a lot before the real first date.

.....

I never heard anything about this - if it's true, my apologies to the poster. I did not know everything about their lives. Doria did not strike me as someone who would file for bankruptcy but I know that many people "aren't the type"

.....

As far as I know Kate is cordial to DOS but you would really expect her to make more of an effort. There seemed to be some jealousy/distrust apparently. 

....

is she close with doria?:

I think they played up the closeness a bit during the "courtship" but from what I saw, they certainly became closer during that time too. I can say that she had been taking care of her mom financially when I was around.

.....

I know when she gets angry she tears up and gets very quiet. 

[distractionactivated]

Spoilery and wildly self-indulgent Thor Ragnarok reaction post:

Alt title: Odin’s A+ Parenting Strikes Back

Alt title: Kestor Was Right About Asgardian Imperialism

This film gets the Official Kestor B ExploringMCUAsgard Worldbuilding Seal of Approval. There was continuity in the set design – I fucking gasped when they went to the vault and it was the fucking VAULT but with better CGI – and the feel and I nearly cried when the Thor 1 music came on. A lot of the things I’ve been saying all along about Odin and Asgardian interrealm politics and history came up – it felt real, it felt right. It was 100% a critique of empire, thank u Taika Waititi, I’ve wanted this FOR FUCKING EVER. Asgard being built atop the bones of its warriors? Its murals behind murals? Its gold come from blood? Oh YES. I love that we saw ordinary Asgardians pick up sword and shield and go toe to toe with undead Einherjar. Fuck yes. I loved seeing Odin’s shiny bullshit wrecked. I LOVED SEEING ASGARD BURN.

One thing world-wise I’m less happy about is that it finally chose the answer to are Asgardians gods? And it chose ‘yes, the royal family are.’ Humph. Grump. ON THE OTHER HAND – if they were going to make that choice they did it in the most awesome way possible so I’ll give it a pass.

I will eviscerate everyone involved in the dialogue for this film. I’m not kidding. Do you know how hard I fought dumbass!Thor? DO YOU? DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY YEARS I SPENT IN THAT TRENCH, ME AND OTHER PEOPLE? And now he’s all like, rambling for ten minutes about how he’s totes in with women warriors and babbling at Bruce Banner and freaking him out and dropping shit in Dr Strange’s place (I was very fine with the vandalism but not the fucking. dropping shit) and just. Oh my god I’m so mad.

Like, the actual character arc stuff? Like, if you describe to me the things that happen and he does? I love it. Great characterisation. Unfortunately, every word on the way was AWFUL. Every time he opened his mouth I wanted to fucking die. We spent the whole of Thor 1 curing him of his doucheness, folks! That’s over! That’s done! Holy Shit!

Look, I don’t talk enough about my absolute aversion to cringe comedy, to ‘awkward’ comedy, and to comedy in general. I hate it. And that was the weak point of the film. They assassinated Thor’s character, the subtleties, the nuanced intelligence, the learned gentleness – god I was writing a thesis on THAT shit playing Kehurie -

OTHER THINGS I AM MAD ABOUT: Fandral and Volstagg dying without a fucking word, Hogun with barely more, SIF NOT EVEN BEING MENTIONED. (and they died that way while Scourge got a FUCKign heroic death, which was also hilarious. Ugh.) Jane being written out in ONE, RATHER DISRESPECTFUL LINE.

Although on a Jane note, there is a lovely scene where Bruce and Thor talk science and I’m like, yup, can tell you’ve hung around with Jane some!

On a death note – look, I am mad about the Warriors, but if I was going to see Asgardians mown down the only way I’d be okay with it is if it was the goddess of literal death. I made my feelings on fighting death very clear when I played Riss Marlay, the Herald of Death, and I am okay with her being an unstoppable horrifying force. But still. Give them a fucking DEATH SCENE. Not just an offhand brush aside.

Loki was mostly great – I can FEEL the Loki discourse approaching in my FUCKING BONES btw – although I cringed myself to death throughout the entire play sequence. Awful. Vile.

Oh god, speaking of Loki, I’ve seen people salty that Valkyrie could beat him but  I’m never gonna be pissed about that bc obviously she can fucking flatten him, duh, it was Stephen Fucking Strange getting to yank him and Thor around like fucking toys, like, nah, that’s not what I wanna see in a THOR film. On an intellectual level I can get that there’s something interesting about his conception of sorcery (as something about idk portals or something) vs Loki’s conception of it as something with knives, but also I don’t want to watch some stupid fake American wanker with a shitty beard and a shitty face outwit fucking Loki.

HEIMDALL WAS THE MOST WONDERFUL. Like, lol at the amazing teleporting Asgardian refugees (alternatively, I want to see Hela hiking back and forwards to the mountains, with a backpack, while Thor whistles), but also Heimdall, Resistance Leader, Most Competent of Asgardians, is the most fantastic thing. I want all the Heimdall fic.

Every fight scene was spectacular. Genuinely, stunning. Especially when lightning was involved.

Of the new characters, I absolutely adored both Valkyrie and Korg – Korg was amazing every moment he wasn’t being played for laughs to the point of cringe comedy – and Valkyrie, let’s just say I’m GayTM. The moment Korg was like ‘these Asgardians, man’ – priceless. I loved her drunk mess of a self, I loved the way she moved, I loved the way she fought, I’m very PISSED OFF they deleted the scene that confirms she’s into women, I loved that she got to stab Hela through the heart for her pretty probably-girlfriend.

There was so much tragedy in this film that wasn’t ever – allowed to get real. Like, Thor watched his father die, learned he had a sister, got his ass WRECKED by her, and taken as a slave within about five seconds and he had the tiny length of half an Asgardian prayer (!!!!) to mourn before he was back to making cringe comedy ‘jokes’ at the expense of his old character. And there was Bruce, who – god, that ‘if I turn again I won’t come back’ was so horrifying and Thor just… brushed it off? Thor, who sat with Jane and said, ‘Jane, you must not give up. Because you’re right.’? Thor, who told Sif, ‘Live, and tell those stories yourself’? Thor?!?!

What was that Odin death scene? Like. the fuck? I loved the ‘my wife is calling me’ but like. He just. Vaporised????

That moment where Thor and Hela were like ‘he told you you were worthy’ was so real and again, like, immediately fight. Like, god, it was a cool fight, but also. (also HOLY SHIT AT THE EYE THING THAT WAS INCREDIBLE I’M FUCKING DEAD – but also can someone who’s seen the film enlighten me as to whether the conquerer!Odin mural had him missing an eye bc I can’t remember and if he is CONTINUITY ERROR because he lost that eye fighting the jotnar when Thor was a small child, long after Hela was gone.)

There was a lot of the awesome stuff about imperialism that wasn’t allowed to breathe as well.

Also, the nerdiest thing – I sat there watching the Grandmaster’s induction program and was like, critiquing it? From my perspective as an instructional designer? Holy shit, Kes. Holy shit. ALSO speaking of the Grandmaster that PRISONERS WITH JOBS LINE WAS ABSOLUTELY SAVAGE, LIKE, GET FUCKING WREKT CAPITALISM.

Also speaking of the Grandmaster, that Grandmaster/Loki subtext was basically text. Like, that bit where the Grandmaster’s brain stuttered when he looked at him? Like. uh. More Valkyrie queerness, less queer villains, PLEASE. Or you know, the same amount of queer villains but EXPONENTIALLY MORE GAY VALKYRIE CONTENT.

IN CONCLUSION – eight emotions at once, at full volume! Argh! Argh! I cried hysterically in the credits for ten minutes! I nearly burst into tears a dozen times because it was simultaneously SO WRONG and SO RIGHT! Emotional whiplash! Burning the emotional candle at both ends! Aaargh! I spent half the time with my hand over my face in embarrassment and the other half in joy!