#i forgot tumblr doesn't do horizontal rules. but it's fine.

[through-lines]

A Walk Through My Lives

A topic I wanted to explore: the chronological order of my lives (and how they relate to each other, this one included).

I've thought about this and the nature of my incarnations in general off and on since my awakening. Originally, the "big question" for me was whether or not there was a purpose to these lives, and what that hypothetical purpose was. Since coming apart from a headmate that I was misidentifying as myself, I think I've gotten a lot clearer look at what the overall theme of my lives is.

Also featured in this post:

How exactly my fictotypes affect my identity

My relationship with humanity (and why it's a big part of my "alterhuman" identity)

(This is over 2,000 words, I'm sorry)

My Nightmare/n Life

I consider my life as a Nightmare/n to be my original incarnation. I suppose part of that is the idea that I was created by Wi/zeman; in the games, Wi/zeman is a Dreamer (literally, a human visiting the world of dreams) who basically made himself a god and created various creatures (called Nightmare/n) to take over the dimension. While the lore of the games isn't true to my personal canon, I'm inclined to believe that Wi/zeman still played a role in our existence and the existence of our world.

I view being Nightmare/n as my absolute basal self. Whether I'm consciously aware of it or not, there's a quality of "Nightmare/n-ness" that I believe persists in whatever form I take. The magic and whimsy of my experiences as So/ra I feel, while possibly unrelated, is not coincidentally similar to the magical experiences of being a Nightmare/n.

As far as how my subsequent lives came to be, that's somewhat shrouded in mystery. I suppose that if my Nightmare/n incarnation really is my first ever lifetime, it makes sense that I might not have the clearest recollection of events. I have Vibes to go on more than anything. Notably, I only have simple memories of a peaceful life in idyllic places, yet my personal attempts with divination consistent came up with the idea that I served a much greater purpose. I've toyed with the idea of being an AU NiGHTS rather than a non-canon Nightmare/n, but the idea never gripped me, and I don't feel there's enough to support the idea.

In the vein of being NiGHTS, however, I came to an idea that did strike a chord in me: maybe I did somehow have some sort of illicit involvement with humans, as NiGHTS did in the games. And maybe that's why I couldn't keep being a Nightmare/n.

That "Not-A-Kintype Past Life"

I might have alluded to this ages ago. This is probably a subject that's better explored in another post, because I think the subject deserves the spotlight, but the short of it is this:

When I first discovered fictionkin in 2016, I believed this was a fictotype. I firmly believed it was a past life that affects my current one, but I struggled with the idea of actually identifying as this apparent fictotype, and came to the conclusion it's "just" a past life in 2018. More accurately, it's what we'd now call a kardiatype: a past life that's not quite a kintype, yet still has a profound effect on your current self.

I hesitate to talk about the source out loud for personal reasons, but in a nutshell, it was a horrifying life that was nigh endless suffering. It hurts to think about a lot of it. It's also a life where I wouldn't change a thing. I mean, for one, there's no point in trying trying to rewrite memories to be more pleasant; what happened happened. You can't change the past.

But I also believe it's why I turned out like this. Not to "trauma made me a better person" or anything, but in the grand scheme of the whole reincarnation thing, I see it as a necessary lesson. There's this underlying instinct that makes me want to say it was a punishment, but I truly can't see it as that.

Where it ties into my theory of becoming involved with humans is the fact that, despite how sure I feel of that life not being a punishment, the instinct still lingers, and it asserts itself in a way that I recognize as a signal that something's incomplete here. Subconsciously recognizing something, but being able to connect it to the conscious mind.

The theory is that this life was intended as a punishment. A very "if you love humans so much, then try living with them" thing. See if I come crying back to Night/opia when it turns out humans are vicious and insufferable.

But seeing the worst of humanity also let me see the best of it. I saw humans change in profound ways. I was given a second chance when I was certain I didn't deserve it.

For that reason, one of my longest theories about the order of my lives placed this one as one of the oldest. It's why I've felt so strongly about second chances and people's capacity for change across the rest of my lives. I want to help people to pay forward the extraordinary kindness I was shown then.

The Miscellany

I haven't exactly pursued the knowledge of every single past life I have ever conceivably lived, so if nothing jumps out at me, I'm probably liable to shrug about it. Hence, there's not a lot that goes between the kardiatype and So/ra.

Something I've debated being a past life, which after years is less of a debate and more of a "yeah, probably" is…a non-canon member of a certain fictional clan. Or rather, I'd like to say "technically canon", because logically someone had to have existed between the characters I feel are my father my son, but there's not a lot that goes on in the centuries between Important Events.

It's not exactly something I think about a lot, nor do I notice much influence on my current life—hence, it's just a past life. There are some things that grabbed me when I was questioning this being a fictotype, and they're things that still pull at my heart no matter how much time has passed. I think it's a matter of needing closure, but that's largely besides the point.

Have I had other lives? Possibly. Probably. I figure that, if I need to learn about them, I will. For now, I'm content with what I know and believe so far.

So/ra and Now

I've believed for good long while (quickly going through my journals doesn't tell me when, exactly) that my life as So/ra immediately precedes this current life. There's a certain qualitative difference I've come to realize over the years. My Nightmare/n self remains in me, it's an identity that comes to me easily, and it's embedded in all of my identities, past and present. But…

There's this idea I have of what I've been tentatively calling the throughline. Obviously, things carry over between lives. But a lot of things simply stay in the past; that's why not every single past life is going to be a present part of your identity.

The metaphor I reached (imperfect as it is) is something like all my lives being different standalone books by a single author. Familiar tropes and devices will appear across several books. There may be similar themes explored in each book, there may be a book that builds on a theme of another book, and maybe, occasionally, settings and characters will overlap. All those books are distinct from each other, though; they can stand on their own.

For reasons that I suspect is largely due to psychological factors and potentially partially to past life ones, this "story"—the life I'm currently living—cannot stand alone. It feels less like a standalone novel and more of a direct sequel, a second chapter, to the previous work. Or in less metaphorical terms: I have no one to be but So/ra—the culmination of all the experiences that led me there, then to here. That's the throughline: the direct continuation of the last life into this one.

My understanding of this identity is less "parts of a previous identity carried into my current identity" and more "my 'previous identity' never left me and parts of it simply developed over time like any normal person would experience in their lifetime". Except that "lifetime" is technically two lifetimes.

I don't feel like it's accurate to say that So/ra is any more important than being a Nightmare/n to me; I'm still Nightmare/n, and I still do want to be perceived as a Nightmare/n. But there's a certain sense of immediacy to being So/ra that pushes my experiences from that world to the forefront. That's what I'm trying to get at.

The Purpose of Reincarnation

Along the same vein as questioning as questioning the chronological order of my lives, there's also the question of why I'm experiencing the lives that I am. Namely, I wondered about the possibility of some higher power guiding me across my lives for a specific purpose.

The idea I quickly settled on was that my lives were self-guided and my only "goal" was to experience everything possible. I wanted to experience as many forms and life experiences as I could. This, of course, was back when Son/ic and I were entangled, and nonhumanity was a much bigger focus for "me". But having disentangled from him, I don't think the logic itself is wrong as much as it was just too broad.

If—big if—there was a higher power behind any of my reincarnations, then that might have been Wi/zeman, as I said before. I believe that everything after that has been fueled by my own desire. I see value in humanity, in being around humans and being human. Ironically, it's a very Nightmare/n feeling; I'm human because I'm nonhuman. I choose to be human over and over again because they're so wonderful and multifaceted to my alien eyes.

And that's the goal, I think: not to experience just any lives, but to experience as many forms of humanity as possible. Even if that human has nonhuman lineage. Even if that human has otherworldly features and qualities that the humans of this world lack. They're all humans, and I revel in how varied and diverse the human experience is.

Figuring It Out

It's occurred to me that people might not be on the same page as me here, so I want to get into the question of "how do you figure any of this out?"

The answer to that is…that there's a reason I'm using very vague and noncommittal language!

More specifically, I think everything else I wrote shows my process for figuring stuff out, but to be explicitly clear: I don't know any of this for a fact. It comes down to speculation and deduction, identifying patterns or trends, and listening to my gut on what feels wrong and what feels right.

That doesn't mean you can just divine the one true answer by thinking about it real hard. It does mean coming to terms with the fact that this has no basis in observable reality and you're probably going to be wrong about something, because you're not going to have proof one way or the other.

I know that my kardiatype feels like a purposeful lesson. I know that I have strong (positive) feelings about humans, and that I have been human several times. I know that it'd be strange to have a nonhuman life thrown in between those lives. And if I place them in this order, I can see an arc that makes sense and feels right to me.

And Some Other Questions

This blog post has been on my to-write list for a while, but I was inspired to focus on this because of a post by saccharine-fiction. This post doesn't really answer any of their questions directly (besides "what order did they happen in?"), though, so to address some of those:

Did you remember your life as X when you were Y?

I have no memories of…uh…having memories. As I said before, I feel there's an essence of "Nightmare/n-ness" that persists across all my lives, but that's not exactly the same as remembering being a Nightmare/n, or actively identifying as one.

I don't see this as being particularly surprising; after all, in this life, I never thought twice about most experiences I had before I discovered the fictionkin community. And that my past lives are fictional works probably play a role in getting as many memories as I have, honestly! Not to mention having a relatively uneventful and peaceful life, free from being isekai'd into Bullshitville at a young age or having the world end while the universe conspires to terrorize me into oblivion.

Did you have any spiritual experiences before this life that you feel you still carry with you?

Hmmmmm maybe? Depends on what’s meant by "spiritual experiences", I guess. Generally speaking, I think a lot of experiences of being So/ra carried over into now—if not literally, because "the laws of physics" and "humans don't work like that, that's biologically impossible" and so on, then in whatever closest equivalent my brain can muster up.

I'm still stewing on that topic though, so maybe that's better left for another time.

If your spiritual kintype isn’t an animal/human/similar, such as an AI or an object or a concept, how does that thing having a “soul” shape your worldview?

This question isn't technically applicable to my fictotypes—although it does have me thinking about the logic of being Some Guy's dream construct. Is he just capable of creating something with a soul? Or did I…like…develop a soul or something? That would be in line with how Hearts work, now that I think about it.

But I have been thinking about that lately, between Son/ic's canon (Rob/ians and A.I. friends abound—although, them having souls remains to be seen?), a certain A.I./android ghost that's haunting me, and that aforementioned Hearts thing.

I don't know what it is, personally, but "things" that are intelligent and autonomous seem to develop souls (or Hearts) as a general rule. I guess that's why it's not hard for me to accept the idea that artificial lifeforms and ordinary objects are capable of having a spirit.

Am I an animist? IDK, maybe.

The rest of the questions are N/A, and I can't think of anything else to add, so I'll leave things here. The other questions are really interesting though, so I'd like to encourage any spiritual otherkin or fictionkin to check out the original post for themselves! Even if you're too shy to publicize your answers, they still make interesting journaling topics.

I think that's the gist of it! This got out of hand way faster than I thought it would, but I suppose eight years of pent-up Thoughts and Feelings will turn a simple idea (what orders did my lives happen in?) into a whole dissertation on all the related parts I never got to talk about before.

Hopefully this post makes enough sense.