#i forgor. to post my last 2 posts on here so i'll post this before i do on instagram. as a treat.

[yukikooo]

help!! i don't want to be in this reality anymore

feeling trapped in an online existence so much that my thoughts are poisoned by "what would [social media] think of this?" while also wanting to be a nonexistent existence that transcends my human body. if you get what i mean. all these thoughts at 10:43am

[aso-bi]

DIY LoZ Sheikah Slate

Thought it's about time I shared the birthday gift I made for my bestie @tsukinoshinjiu! It's a custom Sheikah Slate! So I'm gonna share how I made it... (finished images at the bottom!)

First I started by looking at in-game references for it and getting a general feel of what it looks like, what pieces I'd need, and what the general shape would be like. I wanted it to be a special box of sorts, so they could hide little treasures or letters...

After getting the general feel of the colors and shapes I'd need as well as what would be sunken and what would pop out, I looked for some measurements I could base myself off of. Luckily I found a Reddit post of someone who'd already done the hard work for me.

I tweaked the sizes slightly (namely putting them in a measurement system I could actually understand) then opened up SketchUp to model it out and simulate my rough idea.

I really wanted to stay true to the rounded corners, so I went for a layered technique, using 3 mm wooden slates.

So I created a "base" piece, a "body" piece, and a "lid" piece. In the end, it ended up being 5 body pieces, 1 base, and 1 lid. (And no, I didn't have access to 6 mm wood, otherwise, I'd simply done 2 6mm pieces for the body instead) In total, the depth was roughly 2.2 cm

Once that was ready, I laid out a simple graphic for my cutter. In it you can see the measurements:

Height: 25,33 cm (~10 in.)

Width: 15,33 cm (6 in.)

Depth: 2.2 cm (0.8 in.)

(yes I named it 6mm, I mistyped dw about it) Once that was done, I looked at the front again and opened up Illustrator to make the vector path for the cutter. I had barely used Illustrator before so I had to learn while I was doing it *sweats* but I got it done, and here's what it looks like. I saved it as .eps (vector) so the cutter could read it.

Once that was done, all that was left was to wait for the cutter to be done with my pieces....

Then I immediately started painting and organizing! Decided to start with something small, so I chose the little triangles, I took them apart and painted each piece individually, then with some scotch tape I held them together and put them aside. Next I painted the main piece as well as the lid, body, and base. I glued the layers first then painted them, same with the rest. The handle was especially fun to do and I think it turned out especially pretty. Always working my way up to the smaller colors. Once all those pieces were painted I glued them in place.

The little lines really tested my pulse *sweats again* I don't think they're perfect, but I tried my best (the circle around the eye is especially scuffed)

Not pictured (because I forgor) I made little stops on the bottom of the lid so it could stay in place and be used as a box. I used some thick 2mm hard grey board to make 4 little rounded stops and glued them to the bottom of the lid. When I was done, I sprayed the entire thing in a shiny finisher!

The inside had a special engraving since I'd originally wanted to throw in the Korok Bookmark I'd made for them in there as a surprise, but since this gift had lagged behind for a while, the bookmark was sent ahead of time along with the other goodies I'd prepared for their bday.

Once it was all ready I threw in some other goodies inside and packaged it for the mail! They got it last week and the reaction was...

In the end, the slate arrived a little later than I had wanted, but it got there in one place and the unboxing video I got from them was priceless hehehe.

So yea, that was my adventure making a custom Sheikah Slate as a bday gift! If I eventually remake it, I'll try to make it look even closer to the original.

And if anyone would like to try their hand at making it, go ahead! If there's interest for the files I'll find a way to make them available as well.

Bye bye!

[elliebean714]

Haiiii :)))

Soo how about a Chris x Male reader (During game) Where one of them saw either their, or the other's death on one of the totems and how it would play out. Maybe said person trying to keep it a secret and it it backfires or smth. Have a nice day and drink lots of water. Love you /p <333

- 🍄 (Your favorite anon)

ACKK YOU GENIUS I LOVE YOU. 🍄 anon. I swear. Your mind and my mind are just ✨️magic✨️ I can't believe there was a time in my life before i had you, my beloved. To switch it up and experiment some more I decided to make this one from Chris' perspective cus that seems fun to me. This can be read as chris' part of the other fic or as a standalone, but I kinda reference some stuff that happened in the last one, so ill link it if you want to read that. This does divulge and go in its own direction though, i just sorta use the previous ask as a reference so i dont have to repeat things that happened in it. Im gonna tie up a plot line I didn't in your previous ask in this. This was very planned and I definitely did not forgor about that plot line until I had already posted it. I am smart and this was all on purpose (imsosorryjoshieiknowyourenotlikethis) (this is low-key climbing class angst too lmao. Gotta love my boys <3) I'm realising now that im not really good at following instructions, I get an idea in my head and go WILD. I kinda forget what people requested lol. I sometimes forget how much trauma Chris went through but GOD DAMN, MY BOYYYY </3 *Devastated cat* Angry Chris in ch7 is SO GOOD OMG, love him. Not trying to brag, but angry chris??? I ATE THAT.

Premonitions

Chris Hartley x M!Reader

Angst, Fluff, Comfort

Previous Request

During Game

Chapter 2

When I was left alone in the lodge with only Josh's lighter to guide me, I began snooping through the room I had found myself in, the garage, or maybe storage?Just as I was getting started a small wooden statue caught my attention. It was lying on the floor and was unlike anything I'd seen any of the Washingtons own. Curious, i picked it up for closer examination.

There was a carved and painted birds face staring back at me, freaky. I turned it over, not expecting much to be on the other side, I mean obviously all of the artistic talent went into the front. There's a small opening near the top of the statue, like an infinity symbol with straight lines outlined with brown paint. The inside appeared hollow. At least until I saw his face.

He was screaming, blood was flying, so much blood... and then there was a saw slashing through the adorable outfit he swore would keep him warm earlier today. Then I was whiped back to the lodge.

...

How... the hell am I to keep on looking for a stupid can of deodorant after watching my boyfriend get sawn in half? I need to see him, make sure he's okay. "Y/N? Can you come here please?"

"Uhh... why what's up?" He calls back, but I still hear those winter boots I made him wear crunching through the snow.

"I just want to talk to you." I answered. His frame entering my limited view.

"And why do you want to talk to me here instead of inside, adventurer?" He asks as he climbs on top of the stool I used to get inside. As his face appears at the window, I climb on the counter and meet his gaze, his gorgeous eyes.

"I just..." I trail off before admiting what I saw, would he even believe me? I probably just imagined it anyway, no reason to panic him right? I look down and sigh, "I just missed you." I 'lied'.

"And you couldn't wait to get us warm first?" He smiled. I have to protect that smile.

"No. I love you."

"Love you too. But I'm freezing my ass off so I'd love it if you could get the door open."

I dropped my head and sighed, "Yeah, I know. I'll go get it." He pulls my face towards him and kisses me gently.

"I love you"

"I love you too."

~~

Later, we're in the basement together, looking for a 'spirit board' and I haven't let him out of my sight since I saw that, vision. I can't let anything happen to him, I can't tell him either. I'm freaking out enough for the two of us anyway. I don't want him to panic all weekend. Especially if it turns out to be nothing,

I get distracted looking at a box of old horror costumes from one of Josh's dads old movies, there's long, black robes, weird masks, bottles of fake blood... I sqeeze the bottle, letting a droplet of the red liquid run down my pointer finger, lost in thought. His cute face, that cute face I've loved for years... the fear, the pain in his eyes... his scream-

"Found it!" I turn to see his proudly presenting the spirit board.

"Great, lets-" The basement door opens and we hear Sam and Josh chatting and making their way to the boiler. I shake the violent image from my head, wipe the blood off my finger, and paint on a happy face, "Let's scare them."

Chapter 3

Candlelight illuminates the room while Y/N explains the rules of the board. I laugh at what I assume was a joke, fuck- I'm trying so hard to pay attention. It was nothing. Nothing is going to happen to him, focus.

Josh sits opposite me, clearly the most... excited(?) To start, Ashley and Y/N are beside me, I pick up his hand and rub my thumb over it. If I can feel him, I know he's there. We each put one finger on the pointer, ready to begin.

"Is anyone there?" Ashley asks, half sincere, half skeptical. The pointer answers, first slowly moving in random directions then spelling 'H E L P'.

"Okay, who's moving it?" Y/N laughs

"Woah-" I gasp uncomfortably.

"How can we help you?"

It moves fast "W A R N I N G."

"Shit-" Josh comments... Seeing him creeped out is so weird.

"Ask who it is, maybe?" I suggest, trying to be engaged.

But she ignores me "what are you warning us about?"

"S I S T E R"

"Who's sister?" Josh asks, he seems panicked now.

"You're warning us about your sister?" Y/N asks the board at the same time

I look at Josh, I don't want to say it, but... "Josh, it's gotta be-"

And he looks at me, almost calmed by the brief moment "well, which sister is it then?"

"Beth...? Is that you?" Ashley questions with a nervous voice, Y/N seems to stir at the name a little, he was always closer to her. The pointer moves to 'yes'.

"Oh god-" Ashley trembles

"This is so messed up" a nervous laugh escapes him

I see panic in my best friends eyes, "Josh? Are you-"

"I'm fine" He interrupts me gently

"We can stop if-" Y/N suggests

"No. I wanna hear what it says." He interrupts Y/N far more harshly, I assume its just anxiety. When Ashley expresses hesitation, Y/N reminds her that we could discover the truth of their deaths.

"What happened to you?"

"H A N N A H K I L L E D"

"Hannah killed her??" I hear Y/N whisper under his breath

"No, no, I think, I think she means someone killed Hannah" I correct him

"Beth, who killed Hannah?"

"L I B R-"

"Library?"

"P R O-"

"Proof? There's proof?"

"In the library?" As soon as the question leaves Y/N's lips, the table shakes and the pointer flies off between Josh and Ashley. She stands up, in shock and horror, clearly freaking out, while Josh just stares ahead for a few seconds.

"This isn't real..." He rises from his seat, still staring "I dont- I don't know if you think messing with me is going to somehow help me deal with my grief or whatever, but this is not cool." He states, shakily but firmly.

"Josh, no, we didn't- you wanted to use the spi-" Y/N tries to assure him, but Josh cuts him off, did Y/N do something to upset him? He's been kinda pissed at Y/N since we got here.

"Shut up, you guys are full of it!" He storms off down the stairs.

After he's gone, Ashley scolds us "that wasn't funny, guys. I can't believe you did that."

"What? We didn't do anything!" I try to defend us, "Just because we're goofy, doesn't mean we'd do that!" But my protests fall on deaf ears as she waves me off.

"Stop. Just stop." She heads down the stairs after Josh, I look over at Y/N. He looks so embarrassed and upset, he hates hurting people... my sweetheart.

"Hey," I hold his hands "it's okay, babe, we didn't do anything wrong."

He slowly lifts his eyes to meet mine, god I love that colour... "I didn't know- that was crazy- I didn't think it would work!"

"Me neither. I can't- jeez..." I take a shaky breath

"Should we go after him?" Y/N asks nervously "I don't want him to think we were trying to hurt him..."

"No," I shake my head "No, I dont think he really wants to see us right now" You, mostly. "We should check the library. See if what it was saying is true."

We head towards the library, hand in hand. Once we reach the bookshelf, several books fly off the shelf, a lot of them almost hit Y/N. A button is left in their place, I push it and the wall opens, revealing a secret room, it's practically empty aside from a random picture laying on the table.

A photo of the twins, Hannah has her tattoo, so it must've been taken a couple months before the disappearance. Or, murder... on the other side, a fucking note written in blood. A clear death threat to the girls- a sick one. I show Y/N and we agree to tell Josh. I lead him down the hallway, when we hear Josh and Ashley scream. Y/N rushes towards the door, and an arm pulls him through. I pound on the door in an attempt to break it down. After a short time, it finally opens, i see ashley and Y/N laying on the floor unconscious, a guy in a creepy mask punches me-

Chapter 4

Shit- my head is spinning. What the hell happ- shit, Y/N! I stand up quickly, making my dizziness worse, and look around frantically, Ashley is still on the floor, slowly coming back to consciousness, but Y/N and Josh are missing- fuck!

"Chris...?" Ashley whimpers, I grab the flashlight on the counter before helping her stand.

"Hey, are you alright? He didn't hurt you, did he?" She seems okay, from what I can see, but creepy guy and helpless girl are never a good equation.

"N-no, I don't think so..." Ashley looks herself over "I was looking for Josh, I saw him coming through this way, I heard him scream, then some guy knocked me out and..." She trails off "thats all I remember, Where is he? Where's Y/N?"

I shake my head "No idea, we gotta find them, that guy, could've hurt them."

We find our way out of the room and see a splatter of blood on the wall "Oh jeez" Ashley gasps. We aprehensively continue, out of the lodge and towards the shed, calling out for Y/N and Josh. Everytime I blink, I'm reminded of that vision- it's not real, it's not real, it's not real...

"Chris! Chris, help, we're in here, please-" I hear him sob in response when I shout his name for the hundredth time.

A surge of adrenaline rushes through me "Y/N? Sweetheart, don't be scared, I'm coming." I hurry towards his voice, Ashley trails after, less enthused, poor girl is so exhausted.

The rest of the room is separated behind a plane of glass, a lever in the middle, and a door on the side. As soon as I approach the glass the lights in the room turn on, revealing Y/N and Josh tied up.

"What the hell??" Ashley gasps, Y/N and Josh start to properly panic when, presumably the guy who just attacked us starts talking over the intercom- shit- the saw- nonononnonono- FUCK-

It's that fucking saw- it tore through my baby- fuck- no- no- I cant- I cant- "and which one will die" i- I have to pick??? No, I cant- I can't have to do this- no, not these two- no-

I look for Ashley, but she's run off, I don't blame her, Josh starts pleading with me "Chris, buddy, please, you don't have to-"

And Y/N sobs too "Oh- Fuck- Chris, help me..."

Dontmakemechoosedontmakemechoosedontmakemechoosedontmakemechoose-

"I'm so-" guilt, anguish and anger fill me "so sorry, Josh-" my voice cracks. I turn the lever towards Josh's face- imsosorryimsosorryimsosorry-

The silence that follows could kill. Just a spinning sawblade and my favourite persons terrified sobs in the other room. I stare at the photo of him, my best friend... that guy- i- fucking killed him.

"Chris...? Help- please..." Y/N whimpers. Remember who it was for, Chris. He needs to survive. No matter what.

Chapter 6

I've still not dropped his hand. It's still replaying in my head, Y/N, Josh, the saw, that fucking guy. After, Ashley found Matt and Emily, and they all left to get help. I dont- I can barely think. But- Y/N and me are looking for Sam, I know that, and I'm holding his hand, nothing could make me let go.

"Hey, Chris?" His voice is shaky, but full of gratitude "I know- I know how horrible that was- what that guy did, what you had to do..." his fingers reach out and graze my cheek.

"Please- I don't want to-" don't cry- keep it together "I'm fine, dont-" Y/N steps closer, he lifts my cheek, dontcrydontcrypleasedontmakemecry...

"I'm sorry," we lock eyes "He was your best friend- you guys- shit- I'm so sorry" dontcrydontcrydont- "I love you. I love you so much"

"Please-" I fight the tears- dontcry "i-we- Sam doesn't have time. We need to hurry."

"Don't suppress your feelings, Chris, your best friend just died-" he's trying, he's such a good person, I love him so much.

"I'll cry about it once you're safe, okay!?" My voice comes out far more harshly than I ever intended. "I'm sorry- imsorry, imsorry-" I repeat, backing off "I cant- I can't be weak right now- I need to be strong until this is over then..." He pulls me into a hug, fuck- it feels so nice to be close to him- he's so warm, so alive, so full of colour...

~~

The lunatic got us again. This is what we get for trying to help Sam. We followed the trail down under the lodge, found so much weird shit, then eventually saw her passed out, tied to a chair and when we tried to help...

Now, there's a gun on the table, and I've got one free arm- if this fucker makes me do what I think he's going to... "Y/N? Sweetheart, wake up." I coax him gently, the lights turn on, there's saws above us.

"Chris...?" He mumbles, "where- where are we?"

"I dont- what the hell happened?!" I notice his black eye, I'm gonna kill that guy, I swear to god.

"I punched him after he got you," he cries, god- I hate that sound. He should never have to cry "I think he hit me?"

My eyes flare in anger "I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna murder his fucking face off."

"Hello again, my special little subjects." His distorted voice comes over the intercom, the saws start spinning, I lift the gun and shoot at them, desperate to make them stop, nothing happens. He continues speaking and confirms my fears. Either shoot myself or Y/N.

I bring the gun to my neck, just beneath my jaw. "No! Don't you fucking dare!" Y/N screams, thrashing and pulling against the restraints "Chris, stop- I can't- don't make me"

"I love you. You be smart, be safe, be brave. Please, I need you to make it out alive, baby." I'm confident, I'm assured. There's no hesitation in my voice, just regret. I thought we could grow up together, go to the same college, find a nice apartment, good jobs, married- I wanted to live that dream life with him. I thought we would... "I love you so fucking much. Just close your eyes. Just close your eyes- and make it off this fucking mountain. You're strong, you can do it. Please- survive."

"Fuck this- no! Chris, dont- don't make me live without you- it's not worth it-" he sobs.

"I love you-"

Chapter 7

I'm alive? My neck hurts like hell, I know the gun went off. My eyes open, Y/N sobs desperately, his eyes shut tight- like he's trying to disappear, my baby... I look around "What the fuck??"

He appears... SHIT- I lift the gun and shoot him several times, but still nothing happens... instead the freak laughs- he fucking laughs at me, he starts taunting me. "You've heard of blanks before? I mean really?" He takes the mask o- Josh?!?

Sam and Mike come from a door behind us, equally shocked- he's still fucking laughing- they release our wrists from the restraints while Josh explains his plan. I killed him... he made me saw him in half- worse than that, if that vision was right? He would've killed Y/N too.

~~

Me, Mike and Y/N are taking him to the shed. Sam didn't want to come, the sick fuck chased her around while she was in just a towel! Mike is the angriest, rightfully so, josh killed Jessica. He's fucking crazy! And still acting like it's all a joke.

On the walk, I notice Y/N is trailing behind, clearly something is puzzling him. I take his hand "What's up, babe?"

"I just..." He thinks for a moment "remember that weird dollhouse in the basement? The doll meant to look like me was in the bedroom, but I was in the kitchen that night"

"...so?"

"So if he was doing this as revenge for what happened to the twins, if he's seen the video, he'd know that! He'd know I wasn't a part of it, so why the hell was the doll upstairs? Why put me in that saw trap? Why us? You didn't do anything either!" He explains his conundrum.

"Yeah, that is weird, plus if he's saying he didn't mean to hurt anybody, why the hell did I see-" I stop myself, I still don't know what I saw, and whatever it was, I'm best asking josh about it rather than bother Y/N with my delusion. "Why the hell did I see him get sawn in half? Or- or have to shoot myself in the neck?"

"And killing Jessica, and basically sexually assaulting Sam." He adds before we catch up to Mike and Josh, the former is trying to tie the latter to a piller.

"Oh, finally can you two hold him, please?" Mike asks as soon as he sees us. Y/N holds down Josh's right side, I take the left while Mike quickly ties him up. I can feel Josh's eyes peering into me. It's not an angry gaze, it's... sad? Betrayed? He seems hurt, but that obviously can't make sense, did he expect me to kill the love of my life? Did he want me to??

Josh rambles incoherently while the rest of us talk, trying to figure out any way to make this make sense, "Chris?" Josh interrupts Y/N while he talks "Chris!"

"What?" I relent.

"Can we talk alone, please? I don't trust them like I do you." He has the balls to say something like that after what he did? I turn to the other two...

"Sure, yeah. We'll wait outside." Mike nods before I even say anything "c'mon, Y/N. He can't do anything, he's tied up." Y/N kisses me before following Mike out of the shed

"Now what, Josh?" I look to him, expecting some sort of explanation that'll put everything into place and make it all make sense.

"I missed you. You know that?" He seems partly lucid when he says that.

"Yeah? And a text wasn't enough?"

"No. Nonono. I missed you. He stoleyou."

"Y/N? He's my boyfriend, he didn't steal me-"

"YES HE DID. You're supposed to be myyy best friend and you abandoned me for him?? Really??"

"No! What the hell? We were still friends Josh. It's not like I started dating him and then all of a sudden I just dropped you, we still hung out!"

He shakes his head "that's not true. Thatsnot true. That's nottrue. ThatsNOTTRUE"

I sigh, this isn't going anywhere. I need to ask him about what I saw. Was he actually going to kill him? "Josh, the saw..."

"I wanted to test you. To see if you even fucking cared. You let me die so fucking FAST!" Josh starts to thrash around.

"JOSH, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??" I scream "You- you put me in a position- you made me pick between him and you. You did that to see if i cared??? Did you- did you rig it up so he would've died if I chose you?"

He laughs- I'm gonna fucking kill him- "aw don't be mad at me..."

He wasgoing to kill him- he was going tokill him- hewas goingto killhim- hewasgoingtokillhim- Josh was going to kill Y/N.

Fury rages through me "YOU FUCKING CUNT-" I grab a piece of ply wood and whip it towards his head- he hit Y/N- smack- he tortured Y/N- smack- wanted me to shoot Y/N- smack- HE TRIED TO KILL Y/N-

Before I can smack him again, Mike pulls me away and grabs the wood out of my hands "Chris- what the fuck?!"

Y/N holds me back- I take deep breaths- shit- what did I do?? "He- he confessed..." my voice is shaking, Josh is unconscious- bleeding- shit- what the fuck did I do??

"To what??" Mike sounds appalled by my actions.

I tremble- "he was- he wanted to kill him..."

"Who?"

My eyes meet Y/N, even after what he saw me do, he still has gentle love in his eyes "the saw wasn't just a fake body thing... he was going to kill you... he was fully ready to kill you..."

Chapter 8

"Then your friend will already be dead." The old guy had a sorry yet confident expression.

"Good." I mutter.

Y/N shakes my shoulder, "we need to go after him..."

I scoff "fuck that. Fuck him. He did it to himself"

"Chris, this isn't you," he pleads. Fuck- he's adorable. "We can't leave him to die. Or... I can't. No matter what he did..."

"Don't. Don't be stupid. He just said he's dead." I try to reason with him.

"If there's a chance, i can't let him die like that."

"Then I'll come with ye." The old guy tells Y/N.

"No, you're not. He's not going." I sigh "I'll go. You'll stay in the lodge."

"I'm fine, Chris."

"And I plan to keep you that way. I'll get josh, try not to kill him, and bring him back. Only because I adore you."

"Glad it's worth something."

~~

His fucking head came off. We were looking for Josh- the Wendigo came- And took the old guys head off. I ran through the snow towards the lodge with the thing right behind me. I was shooting it whenever I could- it was so fucking fast, I almost didn't make it, but Y/N was right by the door waiting for me.

In the basement, Emily was begging Mike not to shoot her. I would've fought him, but- I just wanted Y/N. I just wanted him to hold me. Hes so gentle. He's so loving. He's so warm. I tried to shut out their dispute. I'm being held by my boyfriend. He loves me, I'm safe, no matter what happens next. Y/N is here, Y/N is holding me, Y/N is going to take care of me.

In his arms, I let myself break...

Chapter 10

That screech...

Oh fuck-

We hear the Wendigos coming through the basement- how did they get here??

The three of us sprint away from the sound, Y/N lets me run ahead, Emily behind him- up the stairs, through the maze, eventually to the movie theatre where Sam and Mike have opened the door "RUN!" I yell

"Go, go, go, go!!" Y/N calls out behind me.

I reach the main floor and run towards the door until I see the Wendigo perched on the wooden chandelier, I freeze, they can't see you if you're standing still. The old guys words replay in my mind. My eyes search for Y/N, but I can't find him, just Emily. She didn't shove him out of the way, did she???

The Wendigos chasing us climb up the stairs, and the main one, seemingly infuriated, started fighting them, giving me time to escape. I throw the door open and run. Please let him be okay, please- please- my legs collapse into the snow, please be okay, please come out.

Emily is out next, I don't have the fire to fight her in me anymore, I've done terrible things tonight, and all of it will be for nothing if that boy doesn't come out. Please, it can't have been for nothing.

He comes into view- Please-! But the Wendigo stares at him, no, no, please, he hasn't done anything wrong... i head towards the lodge, I need to catch him.

Sam's squeaky sneakers save him- holy shit- the Wendigo heads towards her, thank fuck- Y/N sprints into my arms, oh- baby...

I guide his sobbing form away from the lodge "I've got you, we made it- you- you made it-" I wipe his hair away from his sweaty forehead, I admire his face, his adorable fucking face "You survived..."

♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆

~Elliebean714 🦋🍄

[tranquilspot]

John: Read Colonel Sassacre's text.

Long post ahead! TW/CW: unabashed sexism, misogyny, racism, call to murder as a 'joke', aged like milk content

Block of text n°2. Get ready to get the old timey dictionary, cause I sure will do a loooot of research.

Before reading the text itself, let's analyze the picture. There's Mark Twain (Colonel Sassacre in this universe) in the middle with a silly magician hat on top and an engraved sun. On his left and right, surprisingly two versions of The Fool arcana.

The Fool represents new beginnings, freedom, innocence, a free spirit. Pretty accurate for John. There's also several clowns: entertainment, playfulness, tricks, but also mockery, illusion, humiliation. I'm saying this because it's relevant. We'll see it much later, during different points in the story. On the bottom, two masks, both smiling. One a demon, perhaps the Devil itself. Which is also a major arcana: obsession, dependency, powerlessness, limitations when it's upright. In reversed it's independence, revelation, reclaiming power, reclaiming control. Very interesting. Let's keep it in mind for later. I have no idea for the other mask, it would be easier if I knew the origin of the 'borrowed' pictures that constitutes this montage. At last, two writing tools that could represent freedom of speech, creation and imagination. The word colonel was added on one of them.

Welp, that's enough dilly dallying on the image, let's dig right into the text now. *grumble mumble I have to manually write it grumble mumble*

Hell's bells, we are having a mighty sporting time of it!

"Hell's bells" is to express anger, surprise or irritation. I'll bet it's surprise here. let's see the rest of the sentence. I haven't find a direct explanation for 'sporting time' but I suppose it means 'dynamic good moment'?

Hold fast, my intrepid fellow pranksmiths! We've merely nicked the mahogany of our japing chests.

Pranksmiths is such a cool term :D So if I understood correctly, this means: "Hold on my fellow pranksters! We've barely scratch the surface."

If I may direct the incisive ogle of your beagle puss to the wriggling regency of rubber bugs […]

Wait wait wait so many new words here!

A sharp eye, okay, of our joke glasses (the one with the funny nose and mustache), and hey! First time seeing 'wriggling', that's mostly used in troll culture. Sassacre was married to the baroness, not sure how much he knew about trolls but I don't think the use of 'wriggling' is a coincidence here. Betty Crocker was already mentioned too. There's miiight be a small chance that this peculiar plot element existed early in the story. 'Regency' is to govern, hmm 'wriggling regency of rubber bugs'. See it's not trivial! Bugs, insects that govern. Sneaky early foreshadowing~

[…] plastic parasite, squirming serpents, pliable pests […]

:0 I know it's common repulsive animals, but look closely. We have bugs, immediately followed by parasite (opinion on his wife perhaps?), followed by a snake (Lord English), and 'pests' are aften rodents. Not sure where does the last one fall in the metaphor. Reading too much into it? Maybe, maybe not.

[…] and every such order and phyla of creepy crawlies!

I'm curious to see what 'order' means in this context. Perhaps 'and such things'? Also phyla! Hello brand new word. Oooh I see, like two branches of the same group of things. Junction! And creepy crawlies! I literally on the picture but i forgor. It's self explanatory, crawling little bugs. This confirm, or at least solidify, my theory on Colonel Sassacre's book to be a parody, autobiographic, but now hinting at what we are to expect from this comic, in terms of plot points and characters (trolls, a tyran parasitic sovereign, snake species..)

Land sakes alive, we are cooking with petrol now!

'Goddamn, now we're talking!' We're half-way through the introduction, of the book I mean! Can't wait to reach the end of Act 1, which is only a part of the 'tutorial'.

In further exhibits we shall dwell on artifice useful to your exploits.

Alright, not very complicated to understand.

Is your pappy's rod and reel handy?

What? *long search* Oooohhh like a fishing rod and thread. I thought that was an innuendo *sweat* I mean it isn't above Hussie to not do it. 'Handy' here means in your hand, or near it.

What about a bit of iron cord; it shouldn't prove elusive.

Are we talking about cord made of iron, or the cord of a iron, the appliance? If it isn't rare to find it I'd say the latter.

Bring those writhing rascals to life, […]

Uuuuuuuhhhhh..

and set the nerves of some old maid to the wreck of Hesperus!

Okay what the fuck old man!! Not only it is misogynist but you take delight in scaring to death a poor woman that didn't ask for it? Bring them to life.. what the heck does that entails? Wait it's rubber bugs and such, so you're not electro-stimuling them, how does cord + rubber work? Whatever, what's more interesting is the mention of another entity, Hesperus. One we never hear about either in the story nor the community itself. It's a titan, embodying the evening. Right between Hemera, the day, and Nyx, the night.

However here it is not about the god itself, but rather a poem, the Wreck of Hesperus. It's the short story of a skipper who board a ship with his daughter and didn't listen the warning about a hurricane. Long story short, the ship crashes and sink, dude dies and the corpse of the girl is found still mangled to the remains of the ship. That's horrifying. What the fuck, it went from 'let's have a jolly time with plastic toys' to 'what if we made scream a maid like a terrified girl on a sinking ship, sounds like fun!'. He really wants to scares a woman to death.

Do you have a bothersome aunt who never seems troubled to find ways with your sunny afternoons? A broad, splintery fence— a bucket of white wash, perhaps?

Sir this is a crime, he's calling for violence and murder. That's a feminicide happening soon! What the fuck, how in HELL is this book not censured, or BANNED?! This is 2009, doesn't someone check books before publishing them?

By gum you'll fix her wagon!

I'll fix your face, time shenanigans be damned! What is it with dudes fixating on other people's ass?!

Also, whitewash is a mixture, and "covering up a scandal" too. Smells like subconscious slip of his wrongdoings~

God this is tedious and awful to read. Almost there!

And what of that tawny gent who puts his lackadaisical lean near the sarsaparilla font?

It feels like a lot of made up words. I mean yeah words don't come from trees or the 'Great Book of All Words and Those Yet to Come', but I can't imagine people using them on a daily basis.

Ok, 'lackadaisical' is showing little effort or enthusiasm, 'sarsaparilla' is either a climbing plant (east asia) or a drink based of said plant. Between the sarsaparilla and the mahogany, him knowing such foreign flora gives me rich traveling dude and colonialism vibes.

You'll have that listless octoroon find the spring in his step just yet!

That's a lot of stuff that I don't understand, but I do know that an octoroon is mixed (ethnicities). "The word octoroon signifies a person of one-eighth African ancestry." according to Wikipedia. Gonna add racism to the old man bingo. Listless means lethargic. As in 'lazy african pests'. Yep it's racist alright. When does it takes place anyway? 1910/20-ish?

Alright lemme think and recontextualize all of it, I suck remembering events and dates so I need time. My grand-grandmother was born in 1912, year and day of the Titanic sinking I think.

The expression "sakes alive" was popular in 1930~1950, and its earliest use was 1860. So I kinda narrow it down.

After a good while I found this screenshot I took in 2019, couldn't find user pepple :/and princeofhope haven't posted anything since 2014. I couldn't even find the original post. But yeah, by relying on this graph it does make sense. [I wish I could properly credit pepple, if they're still there] —>