#i finished it last year but ran out of time before trip so couldnt post oops

[almostharmon]

sheralae my beloved,

[kj-nixon]

happy v day

On any other day, it would be nearly impossible to wake KJ up before 10am. You would have to fire a gun next to her. It was actually a major concern of her family’s, but she had always been more of a night owl than an early bird.

But today was Valentine’s Day. And this year she was going to do something fantastic for Hunter.

Last night, she had stolen his Apple Watch after he had fallen asleep and set the alarm to vibrate on her wrist at 7. She hated the thing because she felt the radiation from it would lead to arthritis. Bailey had tried to explain that that wasn’t how arthritis worked, but KJ was still skeptical. Regardless, it was the only way she could think of setting an alarm without also waking up Hunter.

God damn, 7am. Any later and Hunter would probably wake up on his own and ruin the surprise. Why did he have to be such an adult?

KJ grinned at that. That’s why she loved him.

As gracefully as she could manage, which wasn’t all that graceful if you knew KJ, she slipped out of their queen sized bed and tip toed to the kitchen. Their apartment was more of an open loft. A giant, brick square with only the bedroom and tiny bath distorting the shape by jutting out to the side. Looking at the floor plan, she had never quite been able to figure out how it interlinked with the other apartments, but really, did it matter? It suited them perfectly. The kitchen was as much a part of the living room as it was the dining room.

Open concept, open vibes.

They had it decorated as some combination of industrial modern and cozy, and the kitchen was pretty much the same. The tricky part was that KJ so rarely actually opened their cabinets that it took her a few attempts to find the pans she needed. Eventually, though, she got the bacon onto the gas stove and started on making breakfast in bed.

Hunter was, hands down, the best thing to happen to her. She knew she said it a lot, but it was just facts. Without him, she would probably be chasing yet another degree that she wouldn’t complete. He rescued her. Of course, he’d never admit it, but KJ and her siblings knew that she was kind of worthless without him.

And she was worthless, no doubt about it. Worthless against conventional standards. She couldn’t keep a job, her temper kept her from really being too great a people person, and without help her living space would be a dump. But she thrived in a space where you could let her be expressive, and Hunter provided her that. He encouraged her to be as creative and goofy and obnoxious as she wanted. And, somehow, they had figured out how to monetize it online. The cookie crumbled perfectly in that way.

She wanted to get lost in all the different ways she loved him, but it was almost impossible to actually start a list. Because as soon as she thought of one detail, it was almost immediately replaced and forgotten with another. He was just.... her world. She was obsessed with him. And she was pretty sure he was equally obsessed with her.

She assumed. She hoped.

KJ wasn’t actually a secure person. Some would even dare to call her insecure. And she felt justified in her anxiousness. Comparing herself to others was one of her most developed skills, and she never could measure up. So, if by some chance a girl who was just as pretty as she was, but twice as responsible came along, was there really any doubting that Hunter would take an interest? He was actually the perfect, functioning adult. One day he’d realize he was tired of babysitting a grown child. She just hoped it was on his death bed. Because KJ quite actually couldn’t live without him.

They’d be together forever if she had any say. And if you know any Faline, they have a lot to say.

And so what if they weren’t legally linked? KJ loved being with him no matter what. Did she sometimes dream about having the big wedding? Sure. Did she ever wonder if he even thought about asking her to get married? Yeah. Was she kind of concerned that he hadn’t asked yet because he didn’t want to permanently link himself to her in such a way that it would be difficult to leave her when he was ready? Who the fuck asked you?!

KJ’s brain snapped back to the kitchen when she smelled the smoke. While zoning out, she had splashed bacon grease onto the range and started a fire. Fucking ADHD.

What were you supposed to use on a grease fire again? All she could remember was not water, but she needed to put it out before the alarms went off and woke Hunter up.

Um.

Ummmm.

Flour!

Kj had no idea where they kept flour, or if they even had it, but the pancake mix sitting on the counter was the next best thing. Without giving herself a moment to second guess it, she dumped the box of powder onto the stove.

Well... on the stove, in the pan, and on the floor, technically.

She stared at it, willing it to not be all over the place. But, alas, there it was.

Kayla Jane, you’re an idiot.

But at least the apartment wasn’t up in flames.

Sighing, she dropped the empty box on the counter and skated to the corner deigned the living room in her socks. Her sleep tank and shorts were covered in mix now, but when was she ever put together? KJ picked up her phone and quickly ordered Postmates from their favorite diner, like the proper millennial she was. Should’ve done it in the first place, but she wanted to be romantic.

The second phase of the morning was cute enough anyway. It didn’t take her long to get her computer hooked up to their TV and get started on touching up the final bits of editing for her next video. KJ had become pretty savvy with anything techy since her career on YouTube took off. Not that she understood a single thing about engineering or how any of the machines actually functioned, but she could put it all together and operate it pretty easily if you gave her twenty minutes and a 5 Hour Energy to figure it out.

The doorbell rang and she ran to grab their food, knowing full well that he’d definitely get up for that. If he hadn’t smelled the smoke already.

Sure enough, Hunter stepped out of their room just as she finished unpacking their breakfast. KJ would never get over how insanely tall and good looking he was. Like, it wasn’t even fair.

But she sure did appreciate having the injustice in her bed.

He smiled at her and chuckled, probably laughing at how messy she was.

“Don’t go to the kitchen,” she warned, pointing a finger at him threateningly.

“It kind of smells like I should,” he replied.

“You absolutely should not. You should come kiss me and get your present instead.”

“That does sound much more pleasant.”

He graciously leaned down so she could stand on her toes and give him a peck on the mouth. She guided him to sit in front of the television and placed his food in front of him. “Happy Valentine���s Day, baby.”

“Happy Valentine’s Day, sunshine.”

Patience wasn’t really a Faline trait either, so she only gave him enough time to take two bites of food before she climbed into his lap and face the TV. “Okay, I made something.”

“You did? For me?”

“For you.”

“I’m touched.”

“You will be.”

“So will you.” He winked.

She licked his cheek. Then she pressed the enter key on her keyboard.

The video went live on her channel. A shaky close up of Hunter’s forehead came on screen. You could hear KJ’s laughter over the speakers as the camera zoomed out and you were able to see the picnic set up from one of their earliest dates. Minute by minute, the video played through a compilation of vlogs from the last four years of their relationship. Some were of their travel adventures, others were at home where Hunter was obviously unaware that she wasn’t filming. Two consisted of KJ being home alone, lamenting her state of abandonment while Hunter was on a business trip. Every clip, every piece, was carefully chosen to show how perfect they were.

KJ had been on social media for the last three years, but she had never made her relationship public to her audience. Anything regarding Hunter was posted to her private accounts that only friends and family could see. Even her family was often used as clickbait. But Hunter had been reserved as a secret, or marketed as just a friend. And she had never quite been able to explain why.

Part of it had been that she was afraid of karma. If she put them out their publicly, then maybe they’d break up and she’d have to announce to the world that she was alone and her person had left her. Or maybe it was because she was selfish and didn’t want him to get any attention outside of her (and Simon.)

But, around Christmas, she had decided that she wanted the entire planet to know how mad she was for her. She wanted her audience, people she loved and was inspired by, to see how lucky she was.

And she would cut any bitch who tried to bat a single eyelash at him.

The video was only about five minutes long, nowhere near the length of her usual challenges and vlog segments, but there was four years of love pieced throughout it. And she prayed to the universe that he got the bigger picture.

That she loved him more than anything on the entire planet.

It ended and she stretched her head back to see his expression, a proud smile on her face. For a moment, he just continued staring at the screen.

She knew it would take a moment to buffer in his brain. They had discussed forever ago that they’d never go public and he was okay with that. Hunter had never cared one way or the other, but KJ had insisted.

Now...

He looked down at her and she saw his blue eyes glisten. It made her smile wider. He was such an emotional tall man.

Climbing around to wrap her arms and legs around him, she sat up to look him directly in the face. “You’re my person. I’ve staked my claim across the globe now. So if any skanks try to make a move on you while you’re wherever your stupid job sends you, you now have live proof to show them that I will hunt them down and burn their eyebrows off.”

“Oh, it’ll have them and their eyebrows shaking in their kitten heels.” He grinned.

She kissed him. Hard.

“I love you, Green Giant.”

“I love you too, Thumbilina.”

KJ tucked her head into the crook of his neck and gave a happy sigh.

“So... What did you burn?”

“Oh my god, SHUT UP!”

[a-goddessofmischief]

My grandfather passed away on December 1st last year. 11 days before my birthday. We weren’t as close anymore as we used to be but we were still very close.

For a little background, I grew up without my biological father. He left when I was very young and I’ve never seen him. It kind of got harder when I was in school because people would pick on me. It also didnt help that I called my grandfather “Dad”. Thats just what everyone else called him when I was growing up so thats what I called him.

It was very sudden. He had a heart attack, which the doctor didn’t realize that he had one until something happened. I cant remember if he had another heart attack or if his defribulator kept going off but they put him in a chemical induced coma without our consent. It was his only option to keep him alive though. That was followed by four of the longest days of my life. I don’t remember eating or showering. We barely slept. One minute he was going to be released and the next everything went black.

The day he was supposed to be taken to another hospital was the day he passed. His heart just kept failing him and there was no way they could’ve moved him. We were called in at 4 am, and if I thought the four days prior were long, those last five hours he lived were an eternity.

We weren’t sure how long he had left that morning. He already had to be revived twice when the nurse called us. So there wasnt a minute to spare and the only way in our local hospital to the ICU was from the ER which was on the other side. The parking sucks on the ER side so my mom pulled up and told me that I had to run to him. I took off my sweater, held my phone, and tightened my laces. The moment the car slowed down I jumped out. I held my phone in my hand and ran. The hospital is huge and there were so many halls. I had never been through the hospital this way so i was trying my best to think and pay attention to where i was.

My phone rang and i didnt look to see who it was. It was my aunt. She was driving and trying to come to the hospital. She was crying and trying to hold it together. I kept telling her to breathe and to mind the road. She seemed to understand and as soon as I got her calm i found myself in front of the ICU door. Theres only one door and it has a lock that cant be opened from the outside. There was always another nurse in front to push the button to open the door but she wasnt there. I didnt know if my grandpa was still alive or not. I couldnt be on the phone with my aunt if he was gone. I told her i had to hang up and she screamed.

That sound haunts me. I told her to breathe and that I find her and drag her here if i had to. But she had to make it here. She responded in a shaky voice an answer I will never forget. “Meg, tell him that if he has to go that we’ll be okay. Its okay for him to go.” I hung up. Determined more than ever before to get through that damn door. I banged on it with both my fists and shouted but no one from the other side approached the door. I turned and saw a janitor and begged him to open the door. He stared at me for a second.

My unbrushed hair, wrinkled jeans and grey thermal top, my eyes red and burning. I felt myself shaking from my head to my toes from shock. He went over and hit the button to open the door. I ran down the hall and I only screamed one word.

“DADDY!”

i skidded to a halt in front of the door to his room. There was a large group of nurses and paramedics blocking my way. A nurse came forward to hug me but i peeled myself away and walked through the door.

His heart was beating still. He was so still. Looked like he was taking a nap if there hadnt been a balloon in his chest and tubes coming from his throat.

The nurse was talking, I have no clue what she said. But i turned and saw my mom and thats when I remembered how close my aunt was. Mom stayed as I ran back down the hallways, i got to the door as soon as my aunt did. We ran all the way back, i knew the way now and the nurses were waiting holding it open for us.

So much happened. We surrounded him for several minutes begging him to hang on when his monitor stopped. They pulled us out of the room and took us down a hallway. My mom stayed by his door but my aunt went from hysterical to defeated.

My calm and cool and never panic aunt was breaking in front of me. She kept talking to herself about everything she did wrong. She was blaming herself. She shouldve stayed overnight, she shouldve done this and that.

She slumped against a wall and sank to the floor. She kept shaking her head and blaming herself.

My mother was doing the same thing two days before. Almost exactly word for word. It blows me away sometimes how similar they are.

I kneeled in front of her and held her head in my hands. I tried to get her to look at me but she kept her eyes closed. “Listen to me. I know you’re tired and I know this us hard. But we’re going to fight. We’re going to keep fighting because thats how we were raised. Thats how Dad raised us. And you’re not gonna blame yourself, its not your fault. You have to stop saying tgat because my mom is blaming herself too.” She opened her eyes and it seemed like she was seeing me for the first time. The nurse came over and told us he was with us and she jumped up and ran to my mom’s side. They were twin pillars, holding my world together as it came crashing around us. They left for a few minutes to make calls to his siblings to come to him. I was alone with him. Holding his hand and watching his face, brushing his hair back. The nurses and paramedics left the room. I was alone with him. I had so much to say but i didnt know how long I had to say it. Just the day before I was alone with him again and had begged him to hold on for us because I had forgotten how to change a tire and who was going to teach my cousin Lee if he left us? Who was going to raise his chickens? Buy laptops every time they updated? Get ice cream treats? Who could possibly do the things he did. In that moment, I figured out my answer. “Dad. I promised you when Ashley’s kids were born that I would watch over them when you couldn’t. I promise to watch over them and teach them everything you taught me. I promise to be there for grandma and mom and ashley. I promise to do everything I can for them, Dad. If you have to go, i just need you to know that I was the luckiest girl to have you as my grandpa. I don’t want you to go, but I know you have to. I love you so much Daddy.“ My mom and aunt came back at that point and started making calls to hold the phone up to his ear so our family who was too far could at least tell him good bye. I started blabbering. Talking about stories about him. Our adventures on road trips or at work or this and that. After awhile I started to hear how desperate I sounded. I kissed his forehead for the last time and ran out. My boyfriend had come and i collapsed in his arms sobbing and telling him how I couldn’t stand that damn heart monitor sound any longer. He hugged me and sat me down and soothed me till I could at least breathe at a somewhat normal pace. Then he went back to the room. I was in the hall crying and trying to maintain some composure. He came back a couple minutes later and took me to the waiting room where we sat for the next hour. He talked at times but I dont remember what he said. I justed stared at the off white linoleum. The next few hours are kind of a blur of a couple family members coming up to me and other people rushing past but i couldn’t register anything until my mother came out and told me he was gone. She put her car keys in my hand and said something about paperwork. My boyfriend walked me out the same hallway I ran through. The sun had risen but I didnt know what time it was. The car seemed to get further away. Each step weighed me down morethan the last. It felt like everything was moving in fast forward except me. I stopped and started screaming. My boyfriend held me and i sobbed and hung onto him as my knees gave out. I felt like my world had come crumbling down and screaming was the only thing that I had control over. I stopped eventually and went back inside to give my mom her keys back. My boyfriend gave me a ride home and for the next week, me and mom stayed at my grandmas and just cried and slept. And now, roughly 9 months later, it doesn’t feel like anything is actually easier. I still have moments where I feel like theres a boulder on my chest and it takes every ounce of energy just to swallow a bite of food. The only thing that keeps me going is my promise. Even though the pain is constant, it feels lessened when I take care of my family and other people. I don’t normally post this kind of stuff. I just have these feelings sometimes that things don’t feel whole since I can’t share them with my grandpa. It’s like having a puzzle but youre missing the piece that finishes the picture. Every single day is a battle. A battle with my depression, a battle with the fact that hes gone, my family is smaller without him. I never told anyone what happened from my own perspective. No one asked me how I felt or what I did. Not a lot of people know I was there that morning. My grandpa wasn’t a celebrity or anything close to it, but he was to me. It was suggested to me that I write what happened and at least then its out in the open and not trapped inside my head playing over and over again. I’m not doing this for notes or attention. Just to feel a tiny bit free from my overwhelming grief. At least its a step toward moving on. Thank you for reading.

[tripile]

A Winter CSF Leak Update

I’ve received many very similar emails and DMs during the last few days.

“Jodi…?” the messages start out. “I don’t want to bother you but it has been a long time since you posted, and I’m really starting to worry.”

“Jodi: blink twice if you’re ok?”

“Jodi, here is a llama walking into an optometrist’s office in France. I thought of you! Also, ARE YOU OK?”

In a world of easy access to people’s inboxes, readers have only been a pleasure, a virtual cloud of warmth and never a burden. And when so many of you ping at once, I know I am due for an update. In this slow bedrest state, life feels like a woozy Groundhog Day. I love the filaments that connect me to so many of you, reminding me not to lose track of time entirely. I am so humbled by your care.

***

When I was a kid, my mother said my first word was a word. Instead of continuing along those lines, apparently the next thing I started said was a sentence, “see car go by.”

“And then,” my family jokes, “she never stopped talking!”

Being at a loss for words is not a problem I normally have. But yes, I have been very lax at updating because it’s been hard to find words for what I’m feeling.

A Leaky Anniversary

January 26 was the one year anniversary of the patch that sealed me last year. I had a really rough and heart-wrenching time reckoning with where I am on this anniversary. Instead of scaffolding off the slow and arduous recovery that followed the anaphylaxis and procedure, I am in bed.

Again.

For many months.

If you’re just tuning in, the CSF leak that sealed up and was healing reopened because I sat on the ground. Gingerly. Not even enthusiastically. I went from 4-5km walks a day, to no walking in record time.

At first, I was in extreme denial that something so small, so inhibited could blow out the scar tissue that had months to form. But one by one, each symptom I had in 2017 came back. I keep detailed daily logs of every symptom, supplement or mediation, and food. I couldn’t deny what I was experiencing.

Then, the grief. The anger. The deep sadness, the kind that suffocates all hope.

We learn about the “stages of grief” in popular culture, but what happens when they just cycle over and over? When you think you’ve come out the other side and can breathe again, when you tilt your face up at a brighter-than-you-remembered sun, only to find that you’re back in the dark?

***

My body, when I releaked, was in far better shape than the initial leak in 2017. Labs last summer showed improvements and lower inflammatory markers. I tried to stay positive. My friends and family came to visit. My inbox overflowed with llama photos.

As fall turned to winter, I saw some wonderful improvements. I stopped having the “brain sag” of my brain smushing into my spine due to low pressure. I moved into “high pressure” again, which is usually a symptom of the leak starting to seal over — the extra CSF produced while leaking backs up against the hole now tentatively closed. I started on the meds to lower intracranial pressure to prevent the fragile seal from bursting due to pressure. I felt cautiously optimistic.

And then a few weeks later in mid-December, I had an awful nightmare in my sleep. I remember it perfectly. And I also remember what woke me up: the excruciating pain in my back.

After an epidural blood patch to seal a CSF leak, the discharge instructions note that there’s to be no bending, lifting, or twisting for many weeks, but also that coughing or sneezing can blow out the patch due to intrathecal pressure. Many fellow leakers have blown out their patches — a clot or glue covering the leak temporarily while your own body can heal with scar tissue underneath — from constipation (pushing), sneezing, coughing, laughing.

Suspend your humanness while you can, the unsaid instructions whisper. Don’t do anything that can compromise this seal.

In my case, this nightmare I had blew out the seal and I was back to square one.

The Roller-Coaster of Ups and Downs

It is difficult for me to express the crazy-making nature of this condition.

No imaging sensitive enough to show a leak in many cases, including where it is located in the spine. Many people are chronically misdiagnosed because their imaging is normal. Normal imaging, the leak experts have learned, does not exclude a leak.

So the best way to know if you are leaking is via your symptoms, which only exacerbates your anxiety about what may or may not be happening in your body. It is a very tough, very exhausting dance to undertake. I have struggled the most with this balance of attempting to stay in touch with my body while also uncurling my clenched hands from the eventual outcome. Science tells us that focusing ad nauseum on our pain can magnify it in our minds, hence the usefulness of mindfulness and other meditation.

When your condition requires a focus on pain, and you also know you need to stay equanimous to heal effectively? That is a total mindfuck.

***

In mid-December, a close family member took a turn for the very worse. The funeral was around Christmas. I was too unwell to attend. Combined with the Re-Re-leak, I spiralled pretty solidly into a very bleak place.

If I’ve learned anything in this madness, it’s that staying in the black hole of despair is not how you heal. With the crutches of visits and calls from close friends, someone to talk with who specializes in grief, and the tools I’ve drawn on at the worst of times, I was able to wrench myself to a better place.

But still, I am not sealed and healed.

***

I put off Duke when I re-leaked because of what happened during the last round of patching. There is a lesson about anxiety in that procedure too: in my most creative of nightmares, I never imagined anaphylaxis as part of what could go wrong.

But it did, and while they will not use fibrin glue again (suspecting that was the cause for anaphylaxis), I’ve written about how my body seems to be stuck in that very reactive, anaphylax-y place. My mast cells degranulated all over the place and LOVED it. They seem to enjoy doing so again and again since, not only to foods but also smells – and even hot showers.

Given how pear-shaped things went last time, I wanted to give my body a long chance to seal before committing to another procedure. When I did seemingly seal up in November, I was so thrilled. It didn’t (and doesn’t) matter to me if it takes a long time, though my parents have the patience of saints. If slow and steady was the way, I was ok with that as long as I sealed up.

I will be honest: my turbulent December and January have tested the limits of my capacity for grace and patience and hope. I have been on bedrest for quite a few months. While I’m not bored, the pain levels are pretty unconscionable and keeping my spirit up has been a mighty challenge.

From my own calculus: if I do need to go back to Duke, I want to know I gave my body a full shot.

That way, if – IF – things go awry again during a procedure, I won’t be able to look back and say, “should have given it a bit more time.”

***

So where are we now? It’s February, and almost at my favourite holiday in the world: Vietnamese lunar new year or Tet. An amazing reader named Wendy just sent me a pic of lamp in my name from her family’s temple in Malaysia, a New Year wish of health and prosperity. Lunar new year was a time for reflection and cleaning and cleansing for my years in Asia, and I’ve kept that spirit during my return to Mexico and Canada. New Year starts in a few days, and with it I hope a better climate for healing.

I have seen such progress since the re-leak, progress I didn’t see when first in bed in 2017. I keep flipping into high pressure as it starts to seal, then unsealing. It may be that I need intervention after all, but I still have hope that the JodiDura-that-could comes through this winter. I’m eating a strict and healthy diet, meditating, visualizing, consistently working to bring my mind into a better space.

If I can’t seal during the winter, it certainly won’t be because I didn’t try.

Learning to be the Tortoise

There once was a speedy hare who bragged about how fast he could run. Tired of hearing him boast, Slow and Steady, the tortoise, challenged him to a race. All the animals in the forest gathered to watch. Hare ran down the road for a while and then and paused to rest. He looked back at Slow and Steady and cried out, “How do you expect to win this race when you are walking along at your slow, slow pace?” Hare stretched himself out alongside the road and fell asleep, thinking, “There is plenty of time to relax.” Slow and Steady walked and walked. He never, ever stopped until he came to the finish line. The animals who were watching cheered so loudly for Tortoise, they woke up Hare. Hare stretched and yawned and began to run again, but it was too late. Tortoise was over the line. After that, Hare always reminded himself, “Don’t brag about your lightning pace, for Slow and Steady won the race!”

The moral lesson of the Aesop’s “Tortoise and the Hare” fable is that sometimes you can be more successful by doing things slowly and steadily than by rash action. The race (of life) isn’t necessarily won by the fastest or strongest animal, but by those who persist in the face of obstacles – including the obstacle of time.

I undertook my life in the stubborn spirit of the hare.

I went to law school straight from grade 13 (CEGEP, in Quebec) because someone bet me I couldn’t get in. I took a job in NYC because on my first day of law school, someone said, “you don’t deserve to be here. Go back to high school where you belong. And don’t bother getting a job in New York City – you’ll never succeed.” When I quit my law job, it wasn’t for a two month trip, it was for an open jaw adventure to Siberia that unfurled into a glorious and food-filled new career.

My identity for years was the lawyer who quit her job to eat soup. As I’ve laid in bed on and off since 2017, I’ve watched the travel industry and my fellow writers move on with their lives. Mine feels very stuck. I am very unused to not being able to solve problems by DOING, and it is a monumental shift in my mindset. Above and beyond the leak, my health will require a different way of approaching work.

Apparently it’s time to be the tortoise.

Tortoise pic from one of the first adventures in my round-the-world trip: the Galapagos Islands in Ecuador

I’m still feeling around the edges of what that means for me. Sealing and healing will require me to change a lot about how I approach work and achievement, because excessive doing is a surefire way to undo my progress. There’s a lot here I hope to write about in the future, about learning to get under your mind and into your heart.

About listening to your body before it’s too late.

About not necessarily taking every bet that comes your way as a life challenge.

For now, though, I don’t know what I will redefine life “as.” I trust that it will unfold in its own way. While mourning the life I had, I also feel curious about what comes next.

But first: this leak in my spine needs to be firmly sealed for me to get walking again.

***

Thank you all as always for the caring notes, the questions, and the overwhelming support and love. I am extraordinarily lucky to have such a robust army of cheerleaders around the world.

Many of you have dedicated your meditation practices to my health, and for that I am grateful. I do plan to restart the group meditations next week, on Sunday February 10th. If you are interested in joining, the first 7 weeks are here, and you can enjoy any of the meditations as the tracks are all on that post.

I have been meditating alone here, but with all that unfolded I couldn’t manage the group ones during the holidays. I appreciate how many emails I’ve received asking when they’ll restart, and I am so glad many of you find them helpful and a source of light.

I haven’t written publicly in a long time, but typing this post out with my thumbs felt very good. I missed it. And though I would still be writing if no one was reading, I’m glad to go through this very tough journey with a community like you to help make things better along the way.

Jodi

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A Winter CSF Leak Update published first on https://oceandreamblog.tumblr.com/

[datingadviceonreddit]

I'll try to keep this as straightforward as I can. This happened in a period of a month and a half. The stuff in parenthesis are my own thoughts.So I met this girl in a work training thing we had. Important bits here; I noticed she had really rare eyes (one brown-one green) and I said that is beautiful and I made her laugh quite a bit with some bad jokes. I thought if she found them funny, she must be a little into me.Next encounter; ran into each other at work ( we work in different locations, so it's rare to run into each other) I said hello how are you, another bad joke, she thought it was funny.Next one a week later or something; ran into each other again, gave her a little awkward side hug, she placed her head on my shoulder when I hugged her ( good sign I thought) we talked and while we were talking she placed her hand on my shoulder during conversation, in a friendly way, don't remember what was it about (it was a while ago but I thought good body language sign here). Pleasantries here again, very brief and I left.Good so far, I thought, next time I meet her I'll find a way to ask for her number. I had to go work at the location where she was working, I had to do a photoshoot and she was working behind the counter. I went and said hello, flirted a little bit, I'm not sure if she flirted back, did my photoshoot. I went to get my stuff, she was alone behind the counter. (I thought this was my moment) I went and said: "hey thanks for the help during the photoshoot" she said "no problem, how are you gonna repay me?" I said; "do you want me to take you out on a date" she said "OK" with a smile.Now here is where it gets weird; I asked her for her number she said: "Can't you use the program name here to find it?" (We use a program at work to log our shifts and stuff, and it lists worker's email and phone numbers) I said "I would rather you give it to me now". She goes "But how are you gonna show me that you really want it" and I said sarcastically "well forget it then, it's not worth it, is it.." and moved away to gather my stuff. It was clear that I said it playfully, not rude. Gathered my things, she moved away from the counter and went on her break. Before I left l asked her "when is your next day off?" she said "next weekend" (That was on a Friday so she meant a week later)So I thought that was kinda weird that she didn't give it to me right there, but then thought screw it I'll play along. Later that day I got her number and sent her a text "hey I found it" and we've had a little back and forth banter (she understood who I was).The following wednesday I messaged her; "hey, what are you doing on Saturday, I want us to go out on a date :D" She replied "hi blah blah, sorry but I won't be in town this weekend but we can go out next weekend" I replied "oh man, I'm going away next weekend, well if you remember after one month, drop me a text" She replied "that doesn't sound very nice" I reply "i didn't mean it in that way, it's just seems like such a long way ahead. :D" After that we talked a bit more and she asked me "btw are you planning on stopping by where I work anytime soon? I forgot and put my name-tag along with the wash and it's ruined so if you could bring me another one (i work in the office where we have the name tags)" (I thought it's kinda weird to travel all that way for a name tag) I say "I wasn't planning on it, it just seems a long way to just give you a name tag" and then I follow it up "unless you want to see me... :)" and as soon as I send it she sends me "to be honest I just used it as an excuse to see if you would come" (we sent those last messages at the same time btw) and then she goes "oh man, just as I sent it" Anyway long story I couldn't go anyway. (that doesn't sound to me like her saying "I wanted to see you", more like "could I have gotten to travel all that way for me")When she came back after the weekend, I sent her a text "hey how was the weekend bla bla - how is the new apartment (she mentioned she moved last week)" Turns out she moved close to the office where I work. So I say: "oh nice, so now you don't have an excuse, you can freely come pick me up after work, when is your next day off?" (to try and score a date nonchalantly) and she goes "pick you up? where, on my shoulders?". after that she goes "I'm working on Tuesday evening." me: (here I pasted a picture from the dictionary as to what day off means, as a joke because she just told me the opposite of her day off) her; "mr ironic again" me: "sorry i thought you would find it funny" her: "nah it was funny, Im working friday evening so maybe midday?" me: "I'm flying away on that day" (because i was going away) Long story short, that conversation took around 3 hours, she took a while to reply generally and I replied quite quick. Important bits here; she wasn't maintaining conversation much, she did try to arrange something, even though it was a pretty shitty attempt. and took ages to reply to me. That happened on a Monday, I didn't text again for a bit. I went away during the following weekend. Pretty much thought to give it up because that convo sucked. My friends told me to try one more time at least. Another thing to add here; I could see when she has days off because Im using our CEO's email to access that program, and I could see she didn't suggest Wednesday that she had a FULL DAY OFF.The day before I returned to work from my time away I send her a message; "so what present shall I bring you from my trip? :)" she goes "omg you dont need to bring me anything come on :) :)" I said "ok I wont bring you anything :) :)" (BTW i wasnt planning bringing anything, I was just being playful). 3 days after that I had to do another photoshoot where she works, didnt chat between that message and the day of the photoshoot. I arrive at the place,and before I even saw her, she saw me and came and hugged me saying welcome back, how was the trip etc. etc.. We talked a bit, she goes "did you come to take pictures of me this time?" (I dont remember what I said to that, but I thought good sign she's being cute or something) and she asked again "I hope you didn't actually bring me anything, right? I reply very vaguely and playfully maybe yes, maybe no...." I finish my photoshoot and go to gather my stuff and she asks again "ok seriously, I hope you didn't get me anything" I say, "well there's only one way to find out for certain (hinting date)" and I look and smile, she goes "Oh".Finally, later on the same day I was thinking to not message her after all because if she rejects me I will feel like shit for asking her 3 times. I said well, 2 female friends told me to give it a shot, and I wanted to be CERTAIN if she wasn't into me. So I message her when are we gonna go out? she goes "I dont know, when I have a day off bla bla bla" (dont remember what she said exactly) I say: "ok when do you have a day off?" Her: "hahahahah let me check....thursday bla bla bla" (I remembered that Sunday was her day off too, but she didn't suggest anything) I say "cool, do you want to go to area close to where she is working for a coffee?" her: "oh man, even on my day off do I gotta go to that area?" me: "ok, i have an alternative how about there (couldnt remember what she said here, but she didn't say yes) and left it there. (I remember I made her write HAHAHAHAH 3 times during that convo, can't remember what I said though)AS A FINAL ATTEMPT to make some damn sense to what happened, I go "so thursday what time then?" and she goes "oh before that, what are your plans for tonight? because me and a bunch of people from work will go out, if you want to join us" (I'm thinking wtf is going on. I realise that is her attempt to not answer me and that is a trick to make me think that we "went out" while we didn't) I decline and explain that the point of us going out is to have a conversation without other people butting in, so thursday will work better" she goes ok (as in "like I give a shit") and I say "have fun and be careful tonight". She goes thanks!Sorry for the incredibly long post here, but I need some advice; obviously this girl was fucking with me the whole time and wasn't EVER going to go out with me, but WHY? (Something similar has happened to me 3 years ago with a different girl). I think she gave me quite a few signs that she was interested in me. I'm just sitting here embarrassed and sad because I was really into her, I need to hear something uplifting. That was yesterday btw. Thoughts? Thanks! via /r/dating_advice

[crashpaddiaries]

Dear Crashpad Diary #25

Weeeeeeeeee =) how are yous beasts?? Sweeeet I know! =) 

The story continues and the good vibes have been increasing exponentially!! haha

Today the post has loads of elements that will sound like coming from a movie or book written by Douglas Adams but it´s all provided by the Thai and supported by the backpacking!! haha

It´ll embrace black eggs and sweet olives, fire, friends, monkeys and fishes... loads of them!! =) I finished the previous post when we were getting to Tonsai beach... what a spectacular place... nature is in its full exuberance and the simplicity of that village brings an experience that everyone should live, at least one in life! So... getting there and overwhelmed by the beauty I shot a video and uploaded via Instagram right away... few hours later I received a comment on it.. a good friend of mine let me know that a Brazillian friend was there too... what are the odds of meeting an old friend... in a place like that?? haha Ok.. we are both climbers and the place is well known also because of the climbing... but we met when I first started climbing... just before moving to Ireland. I got in touch with testa so we could meet and climb together... And it gets even better... the same day I received another msg from another friend that was also there... haha And few days later a third friend arrived with his wife and daughter... It seems impossible but we all headed to the same place, coming from different points in this earth... we all are good and old friends but no one chatted about it before the trip... by a simply casuality we were there... this world keeps surprising me every single day... bringing me awesome experiences and fantastic and unexpected people!! The following days were amazing... I got to climb my first route in maybe 5 years haha twas great and sketchy hehe During the time we were there a weekend party to clean the beach was held by the community. The ran some competitions and contests... juggling and fire, climbing, beach volleyball... all the restaurants had stands and there were some shows... was great... we were so fortunate being there... synchronicity ma bro!! hahaha The restos were down to the beach cuz in that particular beach there is no restaurants in front of the beach... its quite weird but there is a huge wall just by the beach... we were wondering why but we couldnt understand why all the restaurants were hiding behind that wall and going through the jungle valley inland instead of being facing the stunning bay... well... people are crazy so you never know... Some days later muy friend learnt that the restaurants and guesthouses use to by the se and all... but few years ago a big hotel chain came down and bought the whole area in front of the beach planning of built a resort... they took all of them out that´s why they are behind the wall... however... after some researchs they came to a decision that it would not be a good business... the sand is not too thin and there are too many rocks on the beach... it does not attract tourists... so they shut down the project and cotributed with the destruction of the beach beauty by putting up an wall.... Shame on you Sheraton (http://www.lifegate.com/people/news/tonsai-displaced-hotel-wall). Anyways... the wall´s story is sad but does not prevent the travelers and climbing of having a blast... we got loads of climbing.. deep water soloing, kayaking, beaching and monkey robbering!! hahaha The monkeys in Railay Beach are darn well organised... they come as a wave taking everything from everyone on the beach... food or wathever they think is eatable haha so... if you´re there... whatchout for your stuff!! And the best part is that they will rob you... climb up a tree or wall and eat the stuff lookingh at you.. hahahahaha jumpy bullies!! hahaha Another thing that dragged my attention is the amount of Chilean people in Tonsai... awesome to see my hermanitos there!! Love´em!! =) As our last days in that beach were approaching fast, we decided for visiting the other islands in the surroundings... it is unbelievable how astonishing the nature can be!! Maya Bay, Ko Phi Phi, Bamboo Island... one prettier than the others... but we were all surprised by the beauty under waters... Myself and Luh had never done snorkelling or scuba diving and we are until these days overwhelmed by how the bottom of the ocean can be fantastic... Fair enough... the forecast for spectacular beaches and sweet islands is more than positive so... timeto invest some cash buying our own snorkelling gear!! hahaha The next stop in fact was Koh Tao... world wide known as one of the best places for scuba diving =) what a fantastic life! hehe We got our tickets there when were still in Tonsai... we would take a boat to go to Ao Nang... from there a van to cross from west to east... get to Surat Thani and take the night boat... as you should know... I´m constantly hungry... so we grabbed some "snacks" on the way... 7-elevens (convenience stores) are everywhere here and they sell many many many different stuff.. also... "ready to eat" food... so we went for some food while waiting for the van in Ao Nang... rookie call!! haha I got a black egg that was already boiled and some olives... no way to go wrong with eggs and olives right??? Well... its true that the egg was black... man... It was black... it said sth related to oriental seasoning but hell nooooooo hahahah Twas sweet, weird and disgusting!! eeeeeew!! hahahah Well... At least I had the olives.... hahahahhaha poor thing... they were also sweet! hahaha man.... why??? We took the safe call and got a smoothie before heading the pier!! haha Hope you had fun reading it!! if not.... Grab your backpack and head Thailand... you´ll defo have fun!! haha

Cheers beasts... it´s been a pleasure sharing the stories and experiences with yas!!

All the best vibes, my smiles and kmooooon!! =)

Evan