#i fell in love with annie and when I wrote about what eren did i myself was shaking and crying

[karizard-ao3]

To be completely honest my main interest in an alternative ending would be a full on confrontation between Eren and Mikasa. Where she confronts him head on about the table scene, his shitty choices and motives, his betrayal and unjust treatment of her and their friends. Also getting more into Eren’s thought process. We had Eren’s breakdown with Armin but it’s not the same with Mikasa. Why he’d let himself die instead of being with her. Just the emotional and psychological charging of such a scene would be great. Most of these weren’t addressed in canon, and while angst is great (she gets the cabin dream but in that timeline the horrible things he’s done never happened so she could never call him out on the rumbling, and so on), I’d love to see this confrontation

Oh, that would be neat! I actually wrote a scene a long time ago where they have somewhat of a confrontation. I'll copy paste it here, but please be aware I had not written anything creative for years when I wrote this and I'm very self-conscious about it:

BEGIN SCENE

Mikasa Ackerman lay on her cot belowdeck, the boat’s gentle rocking lulling her as though she were an infant in her mother’s arms. She had been anxious and heartbroken ever since the walls of Paradis Island fell. Somewhere out there the love of her life, Eren Jaeger, was busily committing genocide and she couldn’t do anything about it but wait for their ship to arrive in Odiha, wait for the Azumabito engineers to assemble the flying boat, and then to try to find Eren and hopefully stop him (without killing him, she hoped, despite what Annie and Jean kept saying) before he flattened the entire planet with his horde of colossal titans. Her stomach twisted painfully as she remembered the last time she had seen him, when he had told her how much he hated her. He told her she was a slave to her Ackerman blood, that he couldn’t stand to look at her, and then proceeded to beat up their best friend, Armin. She hadn’t seen Eren since, and although Armin, the smartest person she knew, believed that Eren had been purposely pushing them away for unknown reasons, his words had been ringing through her head ever since. Her Ackerman blood undoubtedly gave her almost godlike fighting abilities, and the rumor was that it also made her resistant to the powers of the Founding Titan that Eren was now using to manipulate his titan army, but was it also really true when Eren had told her that her Ackerman blood had enslaved her to him? Was she only imprinted on Eren? She got headaches, just like he had said, but she couldn’t remember if the headaches had started before or after she had met Eren and he had draped his scarf around her neck. Mikasa gripped that scarf now and struggled to blink back her tears. She was so angry at him. How dare he cast her entire life and their entire relationship into question? They had always been more than just friends. They were each other’s only family, not by blood but by choice. She had risked her own life time and again to protect him (was that just her Ackerman blood in action?) He was her home after everything else was gone. She had thought he felt, if not as strongly about it as she did, at least something similar. Despite everything, she wished that Eren were here with her now. As much as he may hate her, as many people as he trampled, as angry as she was, she couldn’t pretend that she didn’t still want to be near him. She shut her eyes against the tears welling up inside them.

When she opened her eyes she was laying under a tree on a hill, the sunlight twinkling through the leafy awning above her. She gazed at the sun-spackled branches above her, knowing that if she only turned her head to the left she would see the walls of Shiganshina District there. This was the hill where Eren used to fall asleep when they were children. She was laying there now, just as he used to. Was she dreaming? As she reached up to wipe the wetness from her eyes, a soft exhale beside her startled her, and in an instant she had lurched upwards and onto her side, propping herself on her elbow and readying herself to grapple as she turned towards her unknown companion.

Eren looked back at her. His face fell as his eyes scanned her. “Were you crying?”

Mikasa ignored him and, with narrowed eyes, studied their surroundings. Behind him, flowers speckled the meadow. Bees bumbled from flower to flower, but she noticed that no butterflies danced among them. Odd. At the base of the hill, a poorly dressed little girl with blond hair and a sad face sat, running her hands through the grass and watching them through her bangs. Ymir. So this wasn’t real. Physically, Eren was thousands of miles away. They must be in the Paths. Mikasa looked away from the strange child and glanced back at Eren, who must have brought her here with the power of the Founder. She hadn’t realized he could change the scenery. Suddenly irritated that he’d had the nerve to drag her here after all that he’d said to her, she turned her back to him, reaching by habit for the scarf at her neck and realizing that it wasn’t there because she had stopped wearing it. She only held it these days, and only when nothing else could soothe her. It had been folded on her chest when she was on her cot and it either wasn’t here in the Path with her or had slipped to the ground when she’d been startled by Eren’s presence beside her. She slowly lowered her hand from her neck and placed it in her lap. She would not let herself look for the scarf in front of him.

“Mikasa,” Eren whispered, pained by the streaks of tears he had seen on her cheeks and the hollow way her back caved between them. He reached out a hand to touch her shoulder, then stopped and hung his head. He had made a mistake bringing her here. He hadn’t planned to at all. He had visited Armin and the rest of their friends already, then wiped their memories of it. They wouldn’t know they had even spoken until after his death broke the power of the Founding Titan and released his fellow Eldians from their curse. But Mikasa was different. She was an Eldian, yes, but she was an Ackerman, too, and there was a chance the memory wipe wouldn’t work on her long enough for her to kill him without regrets. He didn’t want to make it more difficult for her to do what he believed she was going to have to do, but here he was anyway because as determined as he had been to make her job easier, he had missed her and he had wanted to see her and he couldn’t bear the way they had parted and he was weak. He couldn’t let his last words to her be, “I’ve always hated you.” Now that they were here it was, once again, too late to undo things, so he might as well keep moving forward. He picked up Mikasa’s scarf from where it had fallen. Her head turned towards the movement, almost imperceptibly, but then she looked away again. He crawled around so he could see her in profile and reached out to take her hand. She let him hold it, but she didn’t return his steady squeeze.

“What do you want, Eren?” she asked flatly, staring forward towards the walls.

Eren didn’t reply, just held her hand and gazed at her, drinking her in; her sun dappled black hair, her bottomless dark eyes, and the scar on her cheekbone that was the only blemish on her otherwise pristine face. She buckled under the weight of his eyes on her, and turned her head to finally look at him.

“What do you want, Eren?” she whispered, her heart feeling as though it were breaking. He looked so tired. She felt so tired. She wanted so badly for him to give her a reason to forgive him. He looked at his lap, where her scarf rested, and, letting go of her hand, unfolded it and reached out to wind it around her neck. The familiar warm weight of it settled around her collarbone, and she couldn’t resist nestling into it as a feeling of well-being flooded through her. Eren stood up beside her, and then reached out his hand for hers. “Please, Mikasa. I want to be home one last time.” He helped her to her feet and then, her hand still clutched in his, led her back towards the house where they had lived together with his parents after her mother and father were murdered. Behind them, the soft footsteps of the shabby little girl rustled through the grass and then padded on the cobblestones of Shiganshina.

As they walked, Eren’s warm, rough hand became smaller and softer, her own shrinking in kind. When they stood before the old house they were nine years old again. They, like the house, no longer bore the scars of the Titan attack that had turned their whole world sideways on that day so long ago. Mikasa slipped her small, dimpled hand from Eren’s and pulled her scarf up over her nose. “Do you want to go inside?” she asked.

“Not really,” said Eren, a serious expression cast over his small face. “Most of my fond memories are of playing outside with you and Armin. I like this view of it.”

Mikasa stood beside him and looked at the house, remembering the one happy year she’d spent in Shiganshina with him and his family before the walls fell. Back then she, Armin, and Eren would tear through town like wild animals, laughing and shouting, before falling in exhaustion beside the canal or on the hilltop outside the town to stare out at the sky above the wall and talk about the limitless possibilities that lay before them in the way that only young kids can. She even fondly remembered the childhood scraps they got into with the local bullies. The stakes had seemed so high at the time, but she had always been able to save her her friends when their enemies were just mean older boys.

As if he could read her mind, Eren asked with a wistful chuckle, “Do you remember all the times you had to jump into a fight I had started and rescue me from my own hubris?”

Mikasa smiled in affirmation and then began walking down the road aimlessly, but in the general direction of Armin’s house. Eren trotted to catch up with her. “I never appreciated it at the time, but I always relied on you to save me.” They walked side by side in silence for a few moments. “Mikasa,” said Eren, “I know you’ll want to try, but it’s too late to save me now.”

Mikasa stopped walking and turned to look at him. She opened her mouth to disagree but Eren stopped her with an upraised hand. “It’s too late. I’ve started wheels turning that I can’t turn back. I’m not smart like Armin. Maybe if he were in my place he could have found another way, but all I could do was follow the plan that I saw in my father’s memories and not burden anyone else with what I was going to do. Maybe it’s what I wanted to do. It’s all become twisted in my mind…” He trailed off for a moment, then regained his focus. “This is what I need you to accept.” His eyes bored into hers, his small face growing dark as he repeated, “It’s too late to save me now. All you can do is stop me.”

Mikasa chewed her lip, looking down at her feet. She had already known it was too late. It was too late the moment he had deserted the Survey Corps and disappeared into enemy territory. It was too late the night that Eren had summoned her and the rest of the Survey Corps to Marley so that they could extract him after he had destroyed the Eldian ghetto of Liberio and stolen the Warhammer Titan from the Tybur family. It was certainly too late now. But, there had been a different night in Marley, when maybe things hadn’t gone too far, and Mikasa had often wondered what would have happened if she had answered Eren’s question differently that night. But, no, it was too late for that, too.

Eren looked at her intensely. “Will you stop me, Mikasa?”

She was quiet for a long momet. Finally, “I have to,” she sighed.

“Will you be the one to kill me?”

“Is that the only way to stop you?” she gasped.

“Yes,” he said, somberly.

She hung her head, her stomach roiling with emotions. “Is that… what you want?”

Eren hesitated. “Yes.”

“Then, I suppose I can be the one,” she said, her eye bright with tears.

Eren touched her cheek, making her look at him. “I’m inside the mouth. I don’t know if you’ll remember me telling you this, but… that’s where I am.”

She and Eren looked at each other for a long moment, then Mikasa nodded, and looked away.

Eren looked up at the sky, watching for birds. “I don’t hate you, Mikasa. I’ve never hated you.”

“That’s not what you said.”

“I was lying.”

Mikasa looked down at her hands, her heart quivering pathetically. “Why?”

Eren picked up a rock from the paved road beneath them and chucked it away. “I wanted to make it easier for you to fight against me. I lied about the Ackerman slave bond, too. I thought it would piss you off. Make you want to prove me wrong. Make it easier.”

"Well, you did piss me off,” Mikasa admitted, then looked up at him accusingly. “But you hurt me a lot more. You hurt me."

“I know,” said Eren guiltily. He paused. “I don’t know why you’re so nice to me, but it’s not because I’m your host. Zeke said- well. I don’t know.”

“You were a real asshole to me,” said Mikasa.

“I know,” said Eren, miserably.

“You really messed with my head. I’ve been questioning my entire identity this whole time. Armin said you were making it up, but…” she threw up her hands.

“I brought you here so I could apologize,” he said, weakly. “I didn’t want to leave things between us like that. You’re the most precious person in my life.”

“What about Armin?” she asked, squinting at him dubiously.

“He’s a close second.”

Mikasa regarded him coldly. She had already forgiven him in her heart, but she wasn’t going to let him off the hook yet. “We’re the two most precious people to you and yet you made me think you hated me and you beat up Armin. How could you do that to him? He’s your best friend.”

Eren looked away. “I wanted to protect you both from me.”

Mikasa tutted. “Why should I believe anything you have to say?”

“Because I have no reason to lie to you anymore. I’m never going to get to talk to you again out in the real world. I might get to see you for a moment before you kill me, but- well. I just don’t want to die without making sure my true feelings are known. I visited Falco to apologize for how I used him when I was in Marley, and do you know what he told the brat who killed Sasha? You know what, nevermind. I’m nervous. I’m prattling.” He took a deep breath, ran his hand through his hair, and began again. “Look, Mikasa, I know that all I am to you is family-”

“That’s not true.”

His face fell. “Are you saying you don’t even consider me family anymore?”

“No, I mean you’re much more to me than that,” said Mikasa, angrily.

He looked at her sharply, then blinked in disbelief. When he opened his eyes again, they were standing together in the lot outside the refugee camp in Marley, the first time they had gone. The bright tents lit up before them. Lurking near the biggest tent, a poorly dressed little girl with blond hair and a sad face stood, her face tilted up towards the moon, her shadowed eyes watching from under heavy lids. Eren looked at Mikasa. She looked back at Eren, clad in his Marleyan suit, his dark hair brushing against his jaw line. 18 years old. She could tell without looking down at herself that she was also 18 again. Her woolen Marleyan blazer tickled her skin, just as it had back then. Eren looked down into Mikasa’s face. “But that’s not what you said.” His cheeks flushed red and he looked at his hands. “I asked, ‘What am I to you’,” he mumbled. “And you said-”

Mikasa could feel her own face burning as she also looked down at Eren’s hands worrying at his coat. Since there was nothing left to lose, she said, “I guess I lied to you, too.”

“Why?” he asked, his voice breaking.

“I was afraid of what you would think of me if I told you how I felt,” said Mikasa.

Eren looked into her eyes, just as he had that night that had not been so long ago, even though it felt like a lifetime. “Then… what am I to you?” he asked.

Mikasa smiled sadly. “All my life since I met you, all I’ve wanted is to be by your side. Just once, when you go away I want you to take me with you. I want to run away with you and spend your last four years together, just the two of us. I just want to be with you, at your side.”

Eren’s eyes widened as she spoke. What would he have done if she had said this to him on that night? Would he have been able to slip away the next day and take his first, irreversible step towards genocide? He had been looking for a way out then, and, oh, he wanted so badly to run away with her still, but… It was too late. His face darkened as his heart twisted painfully. Mikasa saw his expression and hung her head, the paleness of her cheeks and the quiver of her lips reminding him of how she had looked when he told her he hated her even though he could never hate her.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I knew you wouldn’t… I’m sorry. I’ll go.” She moved to leave but he caught her upper arms in his hands to hold her in place. With her strength she could easily have broken free but she paused and waited for him. He could feel tears beginning to sting his eyes, but he ignored them. It wasn’t a secret that he was always crying about something. He leaned down and rested his forehead against hers. “I don’t want you to be with me in this hell I’ve made. I want you to be happy. I want you to be free.” His tears made good on their threat and began to stream down his cheeks. “But I also-” his voice broke, but he continued. “I wish I could be at your side, too, Mikasa.”

A surge of relief and sadness and longing washed through Mikasa. Slowly, she lifted her head to look at him, not breaking the contact he had made at their foreheads. They were so close that ther noses were touching. She could feel Eren’s shallow breath against her lips. Her own breath shuddered from her chest. She couldn’t see his mouth- their faces were too close- but she could picture it perfectly. She had often found herself preoccupied with the curve of his lips, their blush pink color, the mystery how how they would taste, how they would feel pressed against her own. Mindlessly, as if in a dream, she tilted her face up, bringing herself another fraction of an inch closer to his mouth. With a soft intake of breath, Eren closed the final, miniscule distance between them and those distracting lips crushed themselves against hers. They were soft, and warm, and salty- was Eren crying again? She lifted her hands to his cheeks and rubbed the tears away with her thumbs as he pulled her closer against him. She parted his lips with her own and their tongues caressed. The rough skin of his close shaved chin scratched against her own as they urgently entwined themselves together. Mikasa’s heart pounded as violently as if she were racing through the woods in her ODM gear. Then Eren’s kisses slowed and, with a look of pained effort, he stepped away, holding her away from him with the same arms he had just used to crush her to him.

“That was selfish of me,” he said, frustrated. “I can’t go back, Mikasa. I can’t undo what I’ve done. I can’t stay at your side. I can only move forward.” Fresh tears welled in his eyes, and he wiped them away with the back of his hand. Mikasa’s heart squeezed in her chest because he was right. She couldn’t be at his side, either. She could only stop him.

[bluinary]

YOYOYOYOYOOOOO

Ooooo, so. I’ve decided to try and flesh out Pluviophilia-- but as an original work.

I’d have loved to finish it as a fic, but to be perfectly frank guys, I’m just not as into snk as I used to be. I’d also have loved to do this with Icarus & I-- and maybe someday I will-- but not only is it a 119k piece, it has fully fleshed out and developed characters that I have a hard time claiming as my own. I know they’re my versions of the snk cast, adapted into a modern AU with less tragedy, but there would be little to no creative work involved for me. 

Pluviophilia, on the other hand, has great potential, but is unfinished. When writing it, I wasn’t 100% certain of who Mikasa and Eren would become-- who anyone in the cast was-- and it works out so well! It also offers fantastic potential for me to diversify the cast, and as it stands, the plot is something I personally need to flesh out, in light of recent events in my life.

Changes:

The story is between two women-- Sara (Mikasa) and Clementine Locklear (Eren), college dorm neighbors with similar traumas who fall for one another and are trying desperately to recover in their own ways while finding a way to let their relationship blossom.

Armin’s character (Eliot) is non-binary; Marco’s character is an immigrant; basically all of the ethnicities of the cast have changed. 

Sara and Clementine, though they’ll face hefty trials of their relationship, will end up together (I hadn’t planned for as much with eremika). 

The story will have more fluff and focus on recovery. A big reason I left Pluviophilia is that I’d written myself into a corner, emotionally speaking. It all became about how depressed Mikasa was, because I really wanted to validate myself and readers, but it stayed there and stagnated. 

Sara and Clementine will get far more time together. The fight at the coffee shop in Pluvio came about way too quickly, and it robbed us of Eren for several chapters. Clementine will not get the same treatment if I can help it.

Things that will be the same:

Eren/ Clementine will be a chaotic, bi disaster who hates their lifelong enemy, Jean/ Nick and has some pretty severe anger issues that clog a pure and loving heart.

Mikasa/ Sara will be a reserved, principled character who is compulsively selfless and protective, if somewhat reckless in that respect.

Armin/ Eliot will be Mikasa/Sara’s best friend, dating Annie/ Kay, and a vastly intelligent, nervous, socially awkward bean who can be absolutely harsh and intimidating if need be. 

The base personalities of much of the cast will remain the same, though they will be altered based on their backgrounds, demographics, and circumstances (e.g., though rough and tomboyish (and blunt/ dense as FUCK), Clementine is a cis girl, and has been socialized to have just a tad more decorum than Eren. Also Marco’s character, Lorenzo, is a Filipino immigrant, and is a little less in touch with American norms than an All-American Marco might be). 

New Year’s Eve countdown kiss :)

All in all, I’m really excited to begin this project!! If anyone is interested in seeing the live progress of the story, please let me know and I will find a platform to post my chapters as they go on. The working title is Clementine Spring.  

For those of you who liked Icarus & I, it’ll take on a more similar tone to it than the original did, with some fluff, some tragedy, and a story of the joys and devastations that come with facing your traumas, and with growing up. 

And if you know nothing of my snk works but are craving some heavy  wlw content (where both girls are brown) featuring pro-recovery themes and a diverse cast (mostly made up of chaotic college students lmao), hit me the FUCK up because knowing I’ll get instant feedback will be my greatest motivator, and I need to write this story. 

TLDR-- Pluviophilia (snk fic) ---> Clementine Spring (original work). Message me if I should post!

[cousinconnie]

The Dog Doesn’t Die

Chapter 3 of Lil Matchmakers

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AN: just so you guys know I’ve never been to a film festival before so I don’t know how they work 💀 I pictured something like a drive in movie when I wrote this,,, also! The documentary you guys watch is based off of a real one about an animal rescue near where I live! Excessive fluff, Mutual pining, and feel good soft vibes in this, enjoy!

Your friends were never the “film festival” type. Well, maybe Jean. But the rest of the 104th graduating class of St. Maria High? Definitely not. You had a sneaking suspicion that the reason your friends decided to meet up here was because of Connie’s weird questions he was asking you earlier about your interests. Maybe they all felt like spoiling you? Either way you weren't complaining. You were excited.

You put on your most comfortable outfit (not pajamas but close) and walked out to your car. The drive there was slow but not unpleasant: you rolled your windows down and let the warm summer wind tousle your hair. When you turned on your radio you noticed that there was an abundance of love songs playing. How odd, you wondered why that was.

When you pulled up to the parking lot of the festival, there were barely any free spaces left. Being forced to park so far away was annoying, but you resigned yourself to your fate.

Arms laden with your various pillows and blankets, you spotted a familiar red scarf on your walk to the entrance.

“Mika!”

Mikasa turned to face you, she seemed to be in a good mood, a tiny smile making her face look softer than it usually did. She was also holding blankets, a lot of them.

“Hey,” she fell into place next to you, matching your pace as you walked together, “I think you might be the last of us to show up.”

You gave her a nervous giggle, “Sorry, there was more traffic than I was expecting.”

She shook her head at you, “Don’t apologize, it’s not like you're late or anything.”

You let your eyes drift, subtly looking for the rest of your gang, “Where is everyone?”

Mikasa smiled again, her hands twitching in a way that let you know that if her hands weren’t full they'd be touching her scarf, “They’re all at the spot we picked, some teens were trying to steal our spot so Eren is trying to scare them off, I was sent to get more blankets.”

You smiled despite your rolling eyes, “Of course Eren is fighting a bunch of teens. What did I expect?”

You both share a laugh and walk to the viewing spot in comfortable silence. That's one of the best things about Mikasa, you think, that her silences never felt awkward or empty. 

When the two of you arrived at the aforementioned “spot”, you were greeted with the sight of a bunch of surly teens begrudgingly setting up next to where all your friends were lounging on the ground, and Eren wasn’t even trying to hide the fact that he was glaring at them. While Mikasa went to go sit next to Eren, you walked up to Connie and Sasha who were reading the movie pamflet. 

“It says here that this documentary is about a dog with,” Connie squinted at the next word, “Mega-Sophagus. Isn’t that a good thing?”

Sasha sagely nodded at him, “Seems like it’s better than regular Sophagus.”

Reiner, who was pretending not to listen, couldn’t hold himself back anymore, “Guys. It’s not Mega-Sophagus. It’s Megaesophagus. It means you can't swallow food correctly.”

“OH,” Sasha paled, “That’s bad.”

“Yeah duh.” Jean said, suddenly appearing next to you. After you exchange pleasantries with the rest of your friends (Bertholdt easily smiling at you, Annie not looking up from her phone but still acknowledging you, Ymir and Historia who were already cuddled up, and Armin who was looking strangely red in the face). Jean suggests that the two of you go to get some snacks from the concession before the screening starts. After taking everyone’s snack orders the two of you set off in the direction of the concession stand.

“H-hey,” Jean suddenly spoke up, surprising himself as much as he surprised you, “How have you been lately? You’ve been so busy with work we haven't really hung out.”

You found yourself feeling a little guilty. You have been working a lot, have your friends been feeling neglected? “Sorry, I’ve been fine. How are you?”

Jean flattens the hair on the top of his head (a nervous tick), “I’m fine. Nothing exciting happening with you?”

You shook your head, “Nope, mostly working and sleeping.”

“So there's no one you’re pursuing right now?”

That confused you, “What do you mean?”

Jean looked away from you, his shoulders stiff, “Like, romantically…?”

You briefly thought of blonde hair. Blue eyes and the smell of a new book and salt water. But you didn't allow yourself to dwell on it. “No new romantic interests,” you awkwardly chuckle, “Why?”

“No reason!” Jean says a little too fast.

Before you could question him more on his odd behavior it was your turn to order from the concession stand. The two of you got as many snacks as you could carry and made your way back to your group. When you made it it looked like your friends stretched themselves out and made themselves very comfortable. Jean rushed ahead of you and sat next to Connie and Sasha. The only available spot was squeezed to Armin.

Even though you weren’t technically touching, the small space between your arms felt electric.

“Hey,” he breaths, “I’m really glad you made it.”

You fight back a blush, “I’m glad I made it too, I’m having fun.”

He lets out a light laugh, “Yeah, I’m sure you are. You missed all the excitement that was holding Eren back from fighting teens.”

You wince, “Was it bad?”

“It was typical Eren.” He was with a completely straight face. The two of you stare at each other for a second, not making any facial expressions before you both burst out with giggles.

“I’m kinda glad I missed it,” You said while wiping a stray tear from your eye, “But I still kinda wish I saw it.”

Arim chuckled again, “I think Connie recorded some of it.”

Before you could respond, the projector lit up the giant screen in front of you. When you turn to see the screen your arm brushes Armin’s. You both flinch, but then relax, and allow your arms to touch. You were keenly aware of his warmth (He was aware of yours too). You suddenly remembered your choice of outfit and started to regret it, should you have dressed nicer? And the car ride with the windows down, could Armin tell that your hair was a mess? (He thought you looked amazing, he was having a hard time taking his eyes off you)

About 15 minutes into the documentary, you were pulled out of it because you felt something on your hand. You looked down and saw Armin’s pinky finger stroking yours. You looked up at his face, but he was still watching (he wasn’t, his face felt hot as he shyly touched his finger to yours. He fought to keep looking at the screen as he saw you look at him in his peripheral vision).

You looked back down at your hands, and slowly wrapped your pinky around his. (He felt like he could feel his heartbeat).

You both stayed like that for a while. Pinkies locked together. Until something very touching happened on screen. You could hear Reiner and Sasha sniffling, and you began to feel yourself start to tear up too. Before you even realized what you were doing you leaned into Armin for comfort, head resting on his shoulder. When you realized what you did you almost moved away and apologized, but then you felt Amrin adjust himself so you could comfortably stay there. He didn't seem upset, so you figured he didn't mind the touch. 

(He didn’t mind at all. In fact he was so incredibly happy. Whatever was happening on the screen in front of them wasn’t interesting anymore. He discreetly stared at the top of your head and thought about touching your hair. About touching your cheek. About leaning in. About kissing you. When you were this close he could do it easily. Would you kiss him back? Or would he ruin your friendship? He quickly lost his nerve.)

When the documentary ended it was dark out but you could still see the faces of your friends, some of them were wet with tears.

“I- I thought,” HIstoria was still sobbing, “I thought the dog was going to die!”

Ymir smiled, petting the blonde girl’s head, “He didn’t.”

“The dog didn’t die.” Reiner said, his face also wet, “He’s happy.”

They all shared a smile with each other, even Annie, which was surprising considering you didn’t think she was actually going to watch.

They collected their blankets and pillows, and threw away their trash (Sasha made sure no trash was left) and walked to the parking lot together.

“Where is your car at?” Armin asked you.

“Oh, its like all the way in the back.” you point vaguely to where your car might be, it was much harder to see in the dark. 

Armin took your things out of your arms and held them firmly, “Let me walk you to your car.”

The walk to your car was silent, but the air was full with all the things that went unsaid. You felt your face getting hot again. When you made it to your car Armin placed all of your things gently in your backseat.

“Text me when you get home safe?” He said the statement like a question. 

You smiled at him, “Of course!”

The drive back home was quieter than the drive there. You couldn’t stop thinking about the feeling of Armin’s hand on yours. (He couldn't stop thinking about it either.)

[theotherackerman]

My Mind Turns Your Life Into Folklore

My Mind Turns Your Life Into Folklore

COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER: Any recognizable elements belong to Attack on Titan.

NOTES:

Friday, January 8- Saturday, January 9th

chapter fifteen: because these things will change

“I’m glad to hear the dogs are working out,” Levi’s psychologist said as they wrote down notes into the notepad in front of him. Sawney and Bean sat by Levi’s feet, fast asleep. “And your children moving back in seems to be beneficial to all of you.”

“They’re not really my kids,” Levi muttered.

His psychologist laughed. “Whatever label makes you happy, Mr. Ackerman. Your relationship with your partner seems to be going well as well. How many panic attacks have you had since I saw you last?”

“A few. A car backfired...at least that’s what Hange told me. Then New Year’s Eve was a nightmare.”

“Understandable, many of our Veterans have issues with that night. There’s about two minutes left. Is there anything else you’d like to discuss?”

“Do you ever think it’s weird that you’re my psychologist? Shouldn’t there be a conflict of interest here? I mean your brother is….whatever he is to Mikasa.”

Zeke laughed before he composed himself again. “Do you think there’s a conflict of interest here? I can assure you that nothing you say to me leaves this room. Eren doesn’t have the slightest idea that I took over your care once Dr. Ksaver retired.”

Levi shifted in his chair, uncomfortably. “No, I guess not. I haven’t told Mikasa either,” he frowned.

“It is none of my business whether or not you tell your child what is going on.”

“She’s not my….”

Zeke sighed, “your child. I do have to say I find it very strange how the girl you raised from the age of nine is not your child.”

“Are you allowed to say that?”

“Probably not,” Zeke relied with a shrug.

“Why do I pay you so much money?”

“Because I am probably the one you relate most to in this whole damn building. It seems our time is up, Mr. Ackerman. Have a safe journey home.”

Levi waved his hand as he stood up and exited the Zeke’s office.

------------

Levi returned home to the sound of the twenty somethings Sawney and Bean ran straight to Eren and Armin who were in the living room on the couch.

The girls were in the sun room.

“I. DON’T. LIKE. THIS. FUCKING. PICK!” Ymir sang out, loud enough that it echoed through the house.

“Why do you always buy that brand when you know you hate it?” Historia asked.

“Because I’m hoping one day they won’t disappoint me. Also I don’t play guitar that much. It’s all about the bass!”

Levi rolled his eyes after he took his shoes off.

Maybe Zeke was right.

These were his damn children.

-----------

As the day went on, a strange feeling began to overwhelm everyone in the house.

It was Friday.

Tomorrow was Saturday.

Hange would be picking up Armin to head back to college.

Zeke would come get Eren.

There was no doubt that Armin and Annie would be okay. They were used to being apart.

But when it came to Eren and Mikasa, nothing was certain.

They had never been this far away from one another when on good terms.

How would rebuilding their relationship fair when there was a distance between them?

Granted, an hour was not that long.

Mikasa did not like to drive long distances.

Eren could no longer drive.

It wasn’t as if they could just walk three blocks and see one another.

Everyone was feeling it, thinking it but no one dared say anything.

When night came, no one said anything when Annie and Armin disappeared into Annie’s room.

Mikasa, however, seemed to stay in the sun room.

Eren found her there once everyone else had gone to sleep.

It was late.

“I thought my sleep schedule sucked,” he teased as he sat down next to her on the piano bench.

“Just finishing up this song. Sorry.”

“I’ve heard that one before. You know it’ll still be there tomorrow.”

“But you won’t be,” she muttered.

“Not sick of me yet?” He teased as he bumped his shoulder into her shoulder.

“Pretty much the opposite. “

“I know. We’ve always had bad timing, right? But I’ll come visit and an hour is not that…”

“It’s not that. It’s just...I don’t know. Everything is weird. The last couple of days, things felt normal but once you and Armin leave it, it won’t feel like that anymore.”

“You mean how it used to be in high school?”

“Yeah,” she answered quietly.

“Growing up sucks.”

“It's not just that. Losing the chance to record….what if that ends the band? Then everything I worked for for the past year means nothing. All the shitty dead end jobs. The hours I devoted to songwriting, it means nothing if no one gets to hear it.”

"When was the band set to record?”

“Monday.”

“You’ll figure it out. You and Historia, you two know how to write songs that mean something. Trust in that. Keep streaming. Besides, you’ve got four kids as fans. You should have seen them in the old living room,” Eren laughed.

“That was at your house?”

Eren nodded, “yeah, Reiner was over with his cousin and her friends. They really enjoyed watching all of you. They kept saying bring the pretty ladies back! We want to jam some more!”

Mikasa couldn’t help but smile, “have they heard you?”

“Oh yeah. All the time.”

“Do they like it?”

“Yeah, they crash practice pretty often but they don’t love us nearly as much as they love you.”

“Maybe we could meet them one day?” Mikasa asked before standing up.

“Come visit and you can,” Eren shrugged before standing up.

“I hate driving,” Mikasa muttered as she made her way towards the stairs.

“Sorry, they haven’t invented teleportation yet,” he smirked.

“You can’t drive!”

“You’re right. So you’ll just have to come to me.” He caught up to her as they walked into Mikasa’s bedroom together.

“Maybe I’ll bribe Sasha….”

“Oh yeah, Niccolo is there. She can see her boyfriend, you can see yours,” he smirked again.

“You’re not my boyfriend yet,” Mikasa muttered as she pulled out clothes to change into out of her dresser.

“Yet?”

She realized her fatal mistake.

This had been a trap!

AND she had fallen for it.

No. She wasn’t going to answer.

So Mikasa grabbed her clothes and went to the bathroom to change.

When she came back, Eren was asleep on her bed.

She hadn’t even been gone that long. She picked up one of the pillows and whacked him in the head with it.

“Ow! Why are your pillows so hard?” Eren asked.

“They’re not. Get on your side.” Mikasa climbed into bed once Eren rolled over to the other side of the bed.

“Goodnight, Mikasa.”

“Goodnight, Eren.”

------------

Saturday was filled with goodbyes.

Armin had been the first to leave early in the morning with Hange to head back to campus. Eren, Sasha, Mikasa, Ymir, and Historia had all hugged Armin goodbye. They left Annie and Armin alone in the living room while Levi was outside talking with Hange.

The hug between Annie and Armin lasted for a long time.

“I’ll call you everyday,” Armin said as he kissed Annie on the cheek.

“You can just text me,” she shrugged, still not letting go.

“I’ll call you,” he reassured her before giving her a squeeze. “If you need anything…”

“I know,” Annie muttered as she tried to hide the fact she was crying.

“Okay,” he said softly before pulling back. Armin pressed a kiss to her lips before gathering his things and walking out the front door.

Annie and Levi stood there, watching as both of their partners headed back to campus.

“It doesn’t get easier. Watching them leave,” Levi finally said.

Zeke showed up about an hour later. He stood smoking in the driveway.

Historia, Ymir, Annie, and Sasha all gave Eren a hug, welcoming him back to the group but at the same time, bidding him goodbye.

They left Mikasa and Levi alone with Eren.

“Don’t die,” Levi said before taking the dogs and disappearing upstairs.

“Right, of course not, sir. Captain.”

Mikasa laughed to herself.

“So…” Eren said as he awkwardly pulled on his shoes in front of the door.

“Tell Zeke to drive safe,” Mikasa muttered before looking down.

“I will.”

“Okay.”

“Levi’s going to kill me for this,” he took two steps towards Mikasa with shoes on before he pulled her into a hug.

She hugged him back tightly.

“I’m going to have to get social media back. I’ll watch every livestream, okay? Call me whenever you want. And I’ll...I’ll text you.”

Zeke honked the horn. "I should go," Eren said.

“Yeah, don’t keep Zeke waiting.”

“Bye, Mikasa.”

She took a step towards him and kissed him on the cheek.

Eren immediately went bright red.

“I’ll see you later, Eren,” she replied.

Eren walked out the front door, closing it behind him.

Mikasa locked the door.

Once Eren left, Mikasa felt a wave of overwhelming sadness take her as she climbed the stairs to her room.

She climbed back into bed.

A knock came on her door.

“Come in,” she called.

It was Annie who opened the door and stepped in.

“I know it’s only…..I just…..I want him here,” Annie sobbed.

Mikasa nodded as she got out of bed and hugged Annie tightly.

“I don’t want to go back to sleep because I’m just going to wake up alone but I’m so tired,” the blonde girl said as she hugged Mikasa tightly. “And my bed smells like him. I just….I don’t want to do this alone. I’m so tired, Mikasa. But I keep having morning sickness too. I just...I don’t know what to do.”

“You’re not alone,” Mikasa reassured Annie as she still held onto the other girl.

Annie released her. “Thank you,” she muttered.

“And you can sleep wherever. In here with me, downstairs on the couch.” Mikasa took a small step back.

Annie simply nodded.

“You want me to make you some peppermint tea? You said that helped the other day, right? We have so much of it.”

Annie nodded again.

“Okay, wait here.”

Annie slept in Mikasa’s bed with Mikasa after Annie drank the tea Mikasa had made for her.

----------------

Band practice turned into an absolute disaster in a mere matter of minutes.

Historia got her foot caught in a cable which caused her to crash into Ymir.

That caused Ymir to break one of the strings of her bass and crash into Sasha’s cymbal.

Sasha had thrown her drumsticks as she had tried to catch the cymbal before it crashed into the rest of the drum set. She was unsuccessful and fell backwards.

A drumstick hit Mikasa in the back of the head which caused Mikasa to turn around too fast and fall off the piano bench.

Another drumstick hit Annie right in the face.

Levi came rushing into the sun room to see what had caused all the noise.

Only Annie was standing up but she had her hands held up to her face.

Sawney and Bean came running in.

Bean found Mikasa while Sawney found Ymir. They licked both of the girls’ faces.

“Do I want to know?” Levi asked as he stared at all of them.

“I tripped over a cable and then I don’t even know what happened,” Historia said as she stood up.

She offered her hand to Ymir and pulled the other girl to her feet.

Ymir did the same to Sasha and pulled Sasha to her feet.

Levi helped Mikasa to her feet.

“Anyone hurt?” Levi asked.

“Besides my pride? I’m good,” Ymir said before looking at her bass. “I’ll need a new string for my bass though.”

“I got hit in the face,” Annie said as she removed her hands. There was a diagonal red mark that ran from her forehead to her cheek.

“At least you didn’t fall. That could have been really bad,” Sasha said as she inspected her drums for damage.

“Tripping over a cable did this?” Levi asked.

“Yeah, I guess,” Mikasa answered with a shrug.

“It’s better than last time in the house. Remember that black eye I got?” Historia asked.

“Wait, this has happened before?” Levi asked as he crossed his arms across his chest.

“A couple of times. We forget to keep track of the cables. I fell into Mikasa’s keyboard and got a black eye,” Historia explained.

“Okay, so now you’re all going wireless. I’ll take you to the music store.”

“How can we afford that? Mikasa doesn’t have her money yet,” Ymir asked.

“I never said you were paying for it,” Levi scoffed as he left the sun room.

“Did Levi just say he loves us?” Sasha asked as she stood up her cymbal.

“That’s what it sounded like to me,” Ymir said with a shrug.

"Brats! Let's go!" Levi called out.

They assembled in the living room.

"My car sits four. So who is going? Besides Mikasa," Levi asked.

"Annie's coming," Mikasa said as she linked arms with Annie.

"I guess," Annie replied with a shrug.

"I will go, Captain, my captain," Ymir teased.

"Of course, you are. Sasha, Historia. I trust you here so this was probably the better choice."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Ymir asked.

"How many things have you destroyed in this house?" Levi asked as he walked over to the door.

".....one coffee table. Once. Years ago."

Levi snorted, "yeah. I'm sure the window didn't count."

"That was not completely my fault."

Levi just sighed as he walked out the door followed by four girls.

“Shotgun!” Ymir called.

They got into Levi’s car.

The engine started.

Heavy metal music began to blast.

Levi quickly turned the music down.

All three girls stared at Levi as he started to drive.

“Wait, is this on your phone?” Ymir asked.

“No, it’s a CD.”

“Is it your CD?”

“Yes,” Levi sighed.

“Hmm...didn’t take you for a metal guy.”

“It's a mix.”

“Oh! Let’s see what else is on here!” Ymir hit the button on the radio, skipping to the next song.

Rap music filled the car.

Annie and Mikasa started laughing in the backseat.

“Alright, wasn’t expecting that. Let’s see what’s next,” Ymir said before skipping to the next song.

Country music filled the car.

“Okay, this is weirder than the rap,” Ymir hit the skip button again.

Soft jazz played.

“This right here is what I thought you’d listen to.”

“Why?” Levi asked.

“Because you’re old and boring,” Ymir said with a shrug. She hit the skip again and a famous love song began to play.

Annie and Mikasa laughed much harder at this. Ymir joined in moments later.

“Okay! Silence! I drive in silence now!” Levi yelled as he turned the music completely off.

“Hey Dad, can we stop for food on the way back?” Ymir asked, pushing her luck.

“I’m not your dad.”

“You don’t know that. You could be my dad.”

Levi simply sighed, “don’t make me pull this car over and let you walk back home.”

“You know who would say that?” Mikasa asked.

“A dad!” Ymir laughed.

They made it the rest of the way to the music store. He never would admit that he did truly miss having them around even for all their antics.

Once they arrived at the music store, Mikasa, Annie, and Ymir went in different directions.

Each distracted by the different sections of instruments.

This was worse than when they had been younger and he had taken them to the mall.

Levi ended up finding the devices to make the guitars wireless. He found something more interesting in that area.

“How hard is it to use that equipment?” Levi asked the sales associate.

“Well, it’s very pricey, sir,” the teenager said.

“I didn’t ask for a price. I asked how hard it was to use.”

“Well, I just didn’t think a man such as yourself…”

“Such as...what?”

“Colt!! Don’t talk to Captain Ackerman like that! I’m so sorry, Captain. My son is better at shoving his foot into his mouth. Go dust something,” the woman said pushing her son in the opposite direction. “What was it you wanted to know about?”

“That equipment, how hard is to use?” Levi asked for the third time.

“Oh! Well, it depends on the programs you use it with.”

“Hmm.”

“There are classes and tutorials out there to teach you. If you have a rough idea, I don’t think it could be that hard. That son of mine figured it out.”

“I’ll take it,” Levi said before he began to walk off.

“All of it?!” The woman asked.

“All of it. Have your son load into my car,” Levi walked off to find the girls.

Ymir was looking at guitar picks.

Levi snatched the box out of her.

“No. Buy the nicer ones,” he said handing her a better box.

“I...uhh...okay?”

“Those strings are shit too. Buy better. Where’d Annie and Mikasa disappear to?”

“That way-ish.”

“Go get them. Don’t let them buy cheap shit. Get better drumsticks for Sasha. I have to move my car,” he said.

Mikasa, Annie, and Ymir were very confused by the fact several boxes were being loaded into the trunk after they checked out.

“We’ll have to deliver the rest,” Colt said.

“When?” Levi asked.

“Tomorrow morning?” Colt asked nervously.

“Fine,” Levi agreed before getting into his car.

The ride home was silent.

Mikasa, Annie, and Ymir were all racking their brains for what Levi could have possibly bought.

Sasha and Historia were watching tv with the puppies when they returned.

“You’re going to have to clean the basement tomorrow,” Levi announced.

“Okay but why?” Mikasa asked.

“Recording equipment has to go somewhere,” he said as he took off his shoes.

“Wait…” Historia started.

“Huh?” Sasha asked.

“Is that what they were loading into the car?” Ymir asked.

“That costs several thousand dollars,” Annie said.

“Levi, you...you didn’t. You couldn’t have,” Mikasa answered.

“Don’t fuck it up,” he said before leaving the living room.

“He believes in us,” Mikasa whispered.

“Thanks, Dad!” Ymir yelled.

This time, Levi didn’t protest.

PING!

Mikasa’s phone went off.

NOTIFICATION:

@jaeger_eren has followed you on Instagram.

---------------------------------

“You want to explain to me why your face was so red this morning?” Zeke asked as he sat down at the kitchen table with a plate of spaghetti.

“Uh..no reason,” Eren said as he sat down across from Zeke.

“You are lying. So what happened?”

Eren sighed, “Mikasa kissed me on the cheek.”

Zeke began laughing. “You almost had sex with her against the wall and you turn red when she kisses you on the cheek?”

“This is why I don’t tell you anything,” Eren muttered as he twirled his pasta.

“Fine, I will stop. But did it truly affect you that much?”

Eren nodded. “It’s different. She’s different. What you walked in on was a ‘caught up in the moment’ moment but now she knows everything and….it’s different.”

Zeke nodded. “I am proud of you, Eren. Now do not fuck it up this time.”

“I won’t. I won’t. I actually had an idea. Annie said I should try to romance Mikasa again. Grand gestures, all that. I had an idea. I got everyone at Levi’s house in on it. But I’ll still need some help.”

“You know whatever you need, I will do it.”

“Alright, so here’s what I’m thinking,” Eren launched into his plan.

[arlingtonpark]

SNK 130 Review

For the first time, thanks to this chapter, SNK is more popular than Domestic Na Kanojo, a manga about a love triangle between a dude and his step-sisters, one of whom is his teacher.

We did it fam. Mission accomplished.

I feel like the scenario where the outside world and Paradis are kept apart with Paradis threatening to rumble the world if there’s any interference is something of an equilibrium point.

They say that nature has a balance to it. A natural rhythm that it follows on its own.

Predators hunt prey, so naturally there are less predators than prey, lest the prey population be wiped out. When predators are too many and prey is too few, the lack of food causes predators to leave the area or die off, which prompts the prey population to rebound.

So there’s a certain point at which things balance out. This is an equilibrium.

Social situations are like that too.  

People have desires and preferences, and in a social situation, a dynamic will form that satisfies as much of those desires as possible.

Because the equilibrium point is the state of affairs at which as many people as possible are satisfied, in the long term any disruption to that equilibrium will be corrected.

Not because of magic or anything, but just because it’s the scenario that most people prefer, so the state of affairs will trend towards it over time.

This is a really long way of saying that I think that some variation on the King Fritz scenario is the best outcome everyone can hope for.

Everyone gets to live and go about their lives.

The downside is that there’ll always be an undercurrent of resentment. And, oh yeah, becoming titans and eating children is necessary to make the wall titans work as a threat. That’s bad, but a natural balance isn’t a utopia.

It’s a testament to how much the SNK world sucks that *this* is the outcome that allows the most people to be happy.

Rape, parents eating children, all of it indefinitely.

That’s one of the most frustrating things about this chapter.

Just…what even is the message of this story anymore?

Attack on Titan is a series about freedom and striving for freedom. Eren has embodied that struggle the whole time.

But now?

Eren is a lunatic who’s about to crush the whole world.

The Cringevengers are fighting for freedom, but not their own. Stopping Eren will only open a pathway for the world to retaliate against Paradis for the failed rumbling. Their mission is one of self-destruction.

That’s noble, but it’s looking more and more like the cringevengers are going to lose. They’re physically and mentally exhausted, and they don’t really have much personal stake in this anymore.

So I guess we’re heading for an ending where Eren destroys the world.

If that’s the case, then…what’s the message?

Is this a tragedy?

Tragedies are about characters failing to rise above their flaws, but they’re also supposed to be constructive.

Tragedies work when they show the audience that a happy ending could have happened but for the character’s flaws.

Romeo and Juliet could have lived if it weren’t for their feuding families, for example. The story ended sadly, but there was a clear path to a happy ending.

What is the path forward in Attack on Titan?

The Marleyans are shit. They’re racist colonialists out to dominate the world. They coral Eldians into camps, use them as weapons, and want to build a global empire. Their long term motivation is to preserve their global dominance.

Eren is a lunatic. ‘Nuff said.

The Cringevengers have the moral high ground, but…if they win, the Eldians still die. So…go Cringevengers?

Who is the hero of this story right now?

Which path is the right one?

What is even the message anymore?

The answer is that there is none.

The situation is clearly designed to make this outcome inevitable.

The world is going down this bad path because almost everyone has the same flaw: they are willing to kill people for the sake of their own prejudices.

If only a couple of characters had that flaw, this would be fine, but making this flaw so widespread makes it seem that humans in general are like this, and that’s wrong.

Most people are not like this.

I think the fact that humanity has not self-immolated yet speaks for itself.

I don’t know what’s going on in Isayama’s mind, but I wonder if maybe he’s a bit paranoid about tensions between Japan, and China, and the Koreas.

The possible social commentary in SNK is always interesting to think about, but I’m just going to skip over that here.

…

Ugh, I guess I have to talk about the pregnancy now.

So first off, my starting point when thinking about the pregnancy is that whatever happened, it didn’t involve rape.

That’s maybe something we shouldn’t assume, but I don’t think Isayama will cross that line. Having Historia go through that trauma for basically no reason is viscerally disgusting and I trust that Isayama knows that.

Attack on Titan is ostensibly about freedom; being forced to carry a child to term is not that.

Clearly.

So I take it as a given that there was no rape.

Once you do that, thinking about the pregnancy becomes much simpler.

There are really only two possible explanations:

1. That Historia fell in love with a man, decided to have a family…and that Isayama is playing up the possibility of rape for shock value.

Or.

2. The pregnancy is somehow fake.

So which is more believable?

Honestly, I lean towards (1), though I’d prefer it be fake.

Before this chapter came out, I never felt it was likely the pregnancy was fake. There was an aura of suspicion around it, but that doesn’t prove much.

We know the pregnancy was inexplicably advantageous to Zeke, and we know that Eren and Historia were up to something right before Eren disappeared.

Isayama is clearly hiding something, but a fake pregnancy specifically?

I see no reason why it would be that and not, say, a secret romance.

That’s what really scares me though.

Most people can explain why callous depictions of rape are bad. The number of people who can explain why callous depictions of queer people are bad is much smaller.

I ship yumikuri. In fact, it’s one of the few pairs I ship.

So call me biased if you want, but the bottom line is that Ymir explicitly loved Historia, and most people would at least say Historia might have reciprocated. I personally would say she definitely did.

Ymir loved Historia.

She loved her enough to reach out to her and try to save her from her own fate.

Enough to jump from the tower and fight off the titans.

Enough to make Bertolt and Reiner turn back to get her.

Ymir did all this because she loved Historia.

But Isayama, it seems, wrote it into his story that Ymir loved Historia just to move the plot forward.

And once Ymir’s purpose as a character was fulfilled, she was removed from the story and killed off screen.

That’s a really shitty thing to do.

Establishing a queer romance just so the characters have motivation to go from Point A to B and nothing more is fucking low.

It’s cheap as hell.

It’s offensive.

But, I have to point out, not as offensive as a rape victim carrying their child to term.

I think that’s important to keep in mind.

People have written about women’s rights for centuries. Those principles are well established, if not always followed.

Gay rights just aren’t.

Most people can tell you why reducing rape to cheap drama is bad; most people cannot tell you why reducing lesbian romance to a plot device is bad.

(The answer is that they both trivialize their subjects, albeit in slightly different ways.)

I bring this up because I think people underestimate the chances that in-universe Historia is pregnant because she wants to be pregnant.

We can infer from what we know that Historia is pregnant because it’s part of a plan to help Zeke or Paradis, but we can also infer that this is not exactly the case.

It’s not directly established that Historia is pregnant because of Paradis’ or Zeke’s machinations. All we know is that these people were plotting to use her to make babies. We haven’t seen the point where she was roped into those schemes.

So I don’t think it can be discounted that Isayama plans to pair Historia up with a guy, most likely either Eren or Farm boy. Unfortunately.

Gay people don’t have many allies in this world. Unfortunately, that means Isayama is likely to *not* be one of those allies.

SNK’s record of depicting gay relationships speaks for itself.

That was all what I thought before this chapter came out.

I still think that.

So.

Now I guess I have to talk about Historia in this chapter now.

So Historia’s scene opens with her having resigned herself to a future of rape and Eren telling her she’s a human being who has rights.

…

……

I almost can’t bring myself to talk about this.

You know, back when Attack on Titan first become popular, it got a lot of praise for how feminist it was.

It was a post-apocalyptic survival horror show, and it really stood out how many prominent women there were.

Hange, Annie, Mikasa, Sasha, Historia, Rico. These people saw real action and had real characters, and a lot of people appreciated that.

Yep.

Good times. Good times.

How did we get here?

What happened?

Historia’s character is all about agency.

She wanted to end her life because she thought she was a burden. In the cavern she was prepared to take on the same burden she’s taking on right now, but she chose to live for herself.

She saved herself from that fate.

She rejected her family’s burden and chose to forge her own path.

Now it’s like that never happened.

She’s back to killing herself for everyone else’s sake, except now she’s also a damsel who needs Eren to save her.

So Eren reveals his plan to her, and she’s totally distraught over it. She tries to reason with him, and Eren just glares at her like she’s Reiner or something.

Finally we get to the most eyebrow raising moment in this exchange: when Historia invokes Ymir to justify opposing Eren.

I think Ymir is supposed to be seen as a tragic figure in Attack on Titan.

She didn’t have to take the fall for those Eldian cultists. They plucked her out of nowhere and randomly decided to worship her. She didn’t ask for any of this trouble.

But regardless, she took the fall for them.

When she got a new lease on life, she chose to live for herself. She’d put herself before everyone else for a change. She’d let no one else’s fate decide her’s.

But it never turned out that way.

I think Ymir’s tragic flaw is that she cares too much for her own good.

She was always going out of her way for others and doing more than she needed to. Helping Connie, helping Historia, helping Reiner and Bertolt.

Her enemies.

Ymir is a good person at heart, and that’s not bad, but according to Attack on Titan’s morality, being “good” to the point of self-sacrifice is bad.

I think one of the morals of Attack on Titan is that if you sacrifice yourself for other people’s sake……you end up sacrificing yourself.

Ymir could have left Reiner and Bertolt to their fates and returned to the walls. She could have lived a happy life with her friends and the girl she loved.

But she didn’t.

She knew that returning to Marley would mean death for her, and guessed what happened?

She did the thing that would likely kill her and she was killed.

Ymir couldn’t help but be a “good girl” and for that she was punished.

Thus endeth the tragedy of Ymir.

Now we come to Historia.

“If I don’t do everything in my power to stop you, I can’t live with my head held high!”

Historia is using Ymir’s words, but she’s actually betraying Ymir right now.

Ymir meant those words in the sense of living for yourself and not others. In the sense of not being self-sacrificial.

As far as Historia is concerned, in her current situation, she only has two options.

Let them rape her for the sake of her people, or let Eren destroy the world.

That’s it.

As far as Historia is concerned, to oppose Eren is to tacitly support the rape option.

So Historia is using Ymir’s words, but really it’s an insult because she’s using them to defend what Ymir would have hated.

Her self-sacrifice.

One thing that’s interesting about Attack on Titan is what it says about standing up for yourself.

In the story, not being self-sacrificial ironically requires you to make sacrifices.

If Ymir had not helped Reiner and Bertolt, they would have been in a lot more trouble with Marley. In a way, if she had not gone with them, she would have been sacrificing them, in the sense that she would have been throwing them under the bus.

When Historia chooses to live for herself in the cavern, she screams about how she’ll happily throw humanity under the bus if it means saving herself.

That’s why she calls herself “the worst girl in history.”

As opposed to Krista, who is a “good girl.”

I think that’s what Isayama is going for here.

Krista is the “good girl” who’ll gladly take a bullet for you.

Historia is the “bad girl” who’ll gladly throw you overboard if it meant she didn’t have to debase herself.

Yeah, Historia later claimed she was in the moment when she said that, but that doesn’t mean much.

When you’re in the heat of the moment, and you’re acting on pure instinct, you’re likelier to reveal parts of yourself you wouldn’t otherwise.

Being in the moment doesn’t mean Historia doesn’t identify with what she said, it means she was speaking her mind with no filter.

In 130, Historia and Eren are superficially at odds with each other, but deep down Historia thinks Eren is right.

She doesn’t want to sacrifice herself, and I’m sure she feels she shouldn’t have to, just on principle.

The only reason she accepts this fate is because she feels she has to.

So when Eren asks Historia to not oppose him, and she refuses, he tells her she has it in her to do it because she’s “the worst girl in history.”

I think Historia is the kind of person who’d throw you under the bus if she knew it’d save what she values most: her friends, yes, but also herself.

But Historia is acting more like Krista, someone who’d throw their life away to save yours.

Eren is saying she needs to start acting like herself again.

He’s trying to remind Historia of who she is and what she used to think was most important to her.

(This scene is *so* misogynistic. I’m going to puke.)

The flashbacks in this chapter were presented as vignettes, so it’s hard to say how Eren’s scene with Historia ended.

One thing that stood out to me though was the clear through line that connected all the various scenes.

The first one is Eren talking to Yelena about Zeke’s plan.

Next scene is Eren and Floch talking about the real plan.

Then it’s Eren and Historia talking about the plan.

Then back to Eren and Floch for Eren’s reveal of what he’s really doing.

Back to Historia as Eren tries to win her over.

Then we cut to Zeke and Eren talking about Mikasa.

Finally, we go back to Historia.

This flow is important because we don’t know much about Eren’s talk with Historia, but I think we can tease out some clues based on what scenes we see when.

Historia is put on the spot. Eren has revealed his plan, and she opposes it. They argue back and forth, and we reach a point where Historia is at a loss for words, and doesn’t seem to know what to do.

Then we inexplicably cut to a conversation between Zeke and Eren.

A conversation about loyalty, affection, and standing by your friends.

The implications for what this hints at are huge.

Eren asks Zeke if Mikasa cares about him so much because of some Ackermann genetics.

Zeke replies there’s no proof of that, and Mikasa probably just loves him.

Finally, Historia speaks, and she asks Eren about getting pregnant.

She doesn’t go to such great lengths for Eren because she’s a slave!

She doesn’t subject herself to this because she’s being coerced!!

It’s because she  L O V E S  him ! ! !

Fuck this! Fuck me! Fuck everything!

[perksofbeingawaifu]

mend

warning: chapter 115 manga spoilers ahead! i wrote this really fast and gave it to a sleepy beta so i hope you like it!

Eren lost sight of Pieck and Reiner, moving through the crumbling cityscape. Still no sign of Porco. Damnit! They were running out of time. They needed the other shifters for the plan to work.

The rumbling. Eren could sense that the time was drawing near. The coordinate paths ran crooked through their lives. Thousands of decisions and each time he made one, the light to the other choice faded and dimmed. He could only hope he had made the right one. Soon he was approaching the time where all paths met, where all paths ended.

They weren’t here. He must have gone in the wrong direction. His titan was running out of steam. He entered an open space and paused.

This was the old Shiganshina town square. This was where they held the spring festival every year. Where his parents married. Where he had his first fight. Where he danced standing on his mother’s shoes. He left his titan. The air was cool on his face and he tilted his head to the fading sun. People had begun reclaiming the previously abandoned city. The effort was slow going. New panes of glass hung in the windows. New roof tiles with their clay not yet faded or weathered by sun dotted the view. Fresh paint on the window panes brought back the memory of Eren earning a little extra coin by slapping fresh paint on a neighbor’s house. Someone had even started an herb garden in the house on the corner from Hannes’ old home.

Now, of course, the current inhabitants had been evacuated by what they were now calling the Jaegerists. Eren hated the moniker, but he needed the men.

Soon, he thought, closing his eyes. He just needed to keep pushing through. Keep moving forward.

A glint off of one of the new window panes flashed in his eyes. Eren bit deep into his hand, reaching for the power of the Warhammer Titan as he did so, blocking the blow with a titan forearm hardened by shards of crystal. His opponent struck, the blades dragging then glancing off. There was a small spinning blur in Eren’s peripheral vision and then it was snaking around his legs, aiming for his Achilles heel, the backs of his knees. Too powerful and too fast for Eren to harden each point before it struck.

Levi. He’s alive?

The soaring feeling in Eren’s breast was quickly replaced with panic as he caught the briefest sight of Levi’s steely grey eyes.

“Oh fuck he’s going to kill me,” Eren guessed as Levi went for Eren’s neck.

Eren let him cut the nape, he didn’t care, he was hidden beneath the titan encased in hardened crystal just like the previous owner of the Warhammer Titan, hidden from view under the base of the foot. Levi kept slicing Eren’s titan form, carving him out. All the flesh and sinew fell about the square and curled into hissing steam. Panting, Levi kicked through the rubble, looking for Eren, looking to see what he had missed. Eren raised his crystalline form in front of him, looking a great deal like Annie in her perpetual slumber.

Levi didn’t hesitate, he fitted one of the thunder spears.

“Don’t do that,” Eren muttered to himself. “You’re going to give away your position.”

Levi seemed to be having second thoughts as well, looking back over his shoulder to the rooftops, expecting a possible ambush. Seeing no one coming, he readied to charge with two spears.

“Oh come on! Captain!” Eren shouted. He knew Levi was angry with him and didn’t blame him, but this wasn’t a good plan.

Levi paused.

“Can you hear me?” Eren asked.

Levi shook his head and turned, tapping one of his blades to his right ear.

For the first time Eren noticed the scars on his face. He didn’t know why he didn’t see them before. He could recognize Levi by that walk of his and the way he carried his blades, he didn’t need to see his face to know his Captain. A long scar over his eyelid and down his lips. Several other cuts spread out on his cheek. His ear was crooked, he must have damaged his hearing in the blast.

Floch had said they saw Levi’s dead body floating face-down in the river and shot at it. They said he was gone.

Eren had spent so much time preparing for his own death he truthfully hadn’t given any thought to Levi’s possible mortality. Maybe he had just taken it for granted that he would be there. He was an immovable object, a constant, a rock in the stream. He was at every path and crossroads. And some part of him had thought Levi would hold faith in him even after Eren’s secret trip to Marley. He could see he had shaken Mikasa and Armin’s dedication to him. He had broken their friendship. It needed to be done and that branch of his life had withered and died. Levi was different. He didn’t know why. Maybe he thought it was because of the few nights spent in each other’s company. Or maybe the few nights in each other’s bed. How well do you ever know a person? How can we ever truly know someone? Levi must have felt betrayed more than the rest of the others. Eren had slipped from his bed after a night of lovemaking and down to the docks where he boarded the ship that would take him off the island. Did Levi awake to a cold bed and know?

Levi continued yelling at Eren, scarred face contorted as he pointed with his sword to make his point. He looked nothing like his usual self when he was angry and not just because of the scars. Eren couldn’t make out the words through the thick crystal, but he could see Levi’s mouth form certain words. He wasn’t saying anything nice.

“I can’t hear you,” Eren said and Levi stopped, fixing him with a disgusted glare.

He tsked and looked away, pacing back and forth with the thunder spears. Eren didn’t need to hear him to know the exact sound he made. He couldn’t help but smile. The first smile in a very long time.

“You look like shit,” Eren mouthed.

Levi snorted.

“Quit making that face or I’ll kick your teeth out,” Levi said, or at least Eren imagined that’s what he said.

Eren put his hand on the glass and Levi eyed it. There was a shift of cobblestones and Levi leapt swinging his swords around at the hardened stone pillar Eren had created as a chair for him to sit upon.

“Sit,” Eren mouthed.

“Fuck you, come out here—I will blast you—tiny pieces—shitstain—“

Here there was a long list of expletives Eren couldn’t quite make out with no sound. Levi always did have a colorful way of speaking.

“I can’t.”

“Why? Eren why?” Levi mouthed pointedly so Eren could understand him. “What are you thinking?”

“I need to do this!” Eren said, punctuating each word with a bang of his fist on the glass.

“Do what?” Levi threw his arms wide open in a way Eren thought was rather cavalier for someone still strapped to a thunder spear.

“I told you to put everything you had on me! Take all of it and put it on me!” Eren pleaded. “Let me do this!”

Levi strode up to the glass, nostrils flaring, eyes darting back and forth between Eren’s own. Please understand me. Even if you can’t hear the words I’m saying, please understand me. Eren ran his eyes down Levi’s scars before putting his hand against the glass.

Levi looked at Eren’s offered hand like that time Eren had walked into his office right after mucking the horse stalls. Like it was covered in horse shit. He took another step closer, keeping a firm grip on his blades.

“I love you,” Eren mouthed, knowing Levi would never answer him back. He never had.

A green flare shot off a few blocks over. Both Eren and Levi turned to look at it.

“Shit,” they said at the same time.

“You need to go—“ Eren said urgently.

Levi shook his head.

“Levi!”

Levi glared.

When he still didn’t go, Eren pounded both fists on the glass. “GO!”

Eren dropped his titan form the second Levi disappeared from view.

“Did you find them?” Zeke asked, riding in the palm of a titan he controlled.

“No, they ambushed me and then took off,” Eren said, looking discouraged.

If Zeke believed him, Eren couldn’t say. He hopped down from his ride and approached Eren who tensed.

“Hey,” he said, putting his hand on Eren’s shoulder.

It took everything in Eren to keep from jumping at his touch. Eren looked at Zeke’s hand still clasped to his shoulder, not daring to make eye contact with his brother. Zeke couldn’t have known Levi was here. Zeke had said Levi died. And if Levi saw Zeke…all Eren could do is pray Levi didn’t try to ambush them.

Please, Levi. I need him. I need Zeke. If there was another way I would do it.

“Don’t worry, we’ll find them,” Zeke said giving Eren a pat before walking back to rejoin the search party.

<*>

At night, Eren managed to sneak away. A painful wave of nostalgia overcame him as he crept down the familiar streets. He dreamt about them often. You could have blindfolded him and he would have been able to make his way by the touch of stone alone. As it was, the moon lit his path. He stopped in the square and removed his hood.

“It’s me,” he said, his voice bouncing off the cobblestones although he spoke in a hushed tone. “I came alone.”

He sat down on the edge of the empty fountain and waited. After a half hour, he heard the sound of boots behind him and turned.

“Don’t—“ Levi said, holding up his blade. “Don’t take a step closer. Lace your fingers together and put them behind your head.”

Eren did as he asked, watching Levi approach him from the side. Levi pulled at Eren’s hood and cloak, searching for weapons. Despite the blast and horrible scar, Levi’s eye was saved. The whites were still red and raw from the explosion but it only made their grey color all the more startling. Eren reached a hand towards Levi’s cheek and Levi put a blade to his throat.

“Don’t—“ Levi ordered.

Eren ignored him, tracing his fingers down the puckered flesh and over Levi’s lips. Levi hissed in pain.

“Still tender?” Eren asked.

“I don’t just grow my limbs and face back, it takes time for me to heal—“

“It’s agony,” Eren said quietly, moving closer toward Levi despite the blade pressed against his neck. “It hurts every single time.”

He kissed him. Softly. Nothing like the first kiss they’d shared. The first time had felt like two storm clouds crashing in to one another. Yet this was a first time of sorts. They felt like strangers again. That first meeting in the dungeons played over again in Eren’s head.

Levi lowered his blade and pulled away from Eren, licking at the scar on his lips.

“Feels weird. Feels tingly,” Levi muttered. “Nerve damage, the doctor said.”

“Tell me where I can kiss then. Tell me where it feels good,” Eren said, wrapping his hands around Levi’s waist.

“Don’t,” Levi cautioned him. “We aren’t—“

“If you don’t trust me we can still be enemies in the morning,” Eren said. “The whole world hates me. You can hate me too but wait until morning. Please. For now pretend.”

Eren kissed the hollow of his throat and Levi sighed and leaned into him.

The world was ending soon. Spinning faster and faster to a startling halt. Each time Eren ran his hands over Levi he could see a thousand paths light up and grow dark. And then…they stopped and time stood still. As if all paths lead to two people and the love shared between them. Mother and child, father and son, lovers and dreamers. He hoped this was a path that led Levi to a long life. He laced his fingers with Levi’s, only to have him pull away and hiss in pain. Eren kissed his burned hands, his knuckles being gentle with the raw skin where his trigger fingers used to be, the delicate inside of his wrist. It hurt every time to heal, to mend. It hurt to kiss Levi now but the ache was deep and would not heal quickly this time. Levi finally touched his hand to Eren’s chest, to meet that pain, and Eren could not keep the tears away any longer. All that time deadening what was inside, pretending he felt nothing, but I feel it Levi, I feel all of it. The entire weight of the world on my shoulders.

Please live. Live and be happy. Heal and grow old. Live in a time of peace when I’m gone.

[sonderlivra]

The Kind of World Where We Belong

My gift for @doctorarchangel in the Eremika Gift Exchange organised by the amazing peeps at @eremikaweeks!! You wanted something with Beach Boys music incorporated into it, but I’m so sorry, I’m not very familiar with their music, so I used one of their lyrics as the fic title! :)

Hope you like it, and Happy Holidays!

Modern AU; ~3k words

Read on Ao3.

*

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

That smile. Goddamn it, Mikasa missed that smile. She wished she could see it everyday, all the time, but they barely managed once a week now.

Eren squinted in the pixelated video. “Are those gifts I see…?”

With a gasp, Mikasa slapped her palm onto the laptop camera. Eren's protests came a full five seconds later because of the delay in their shitty connection.

“Hey, c'mon, I couldn't even see them properly!”

“Wait a sec,” she told him sternly and turned her laptop around. She brought out her blanket and draped it over the pile of boxes she had dumped on her bed, still waiting to be wrapped by her meticulous hands. When she judged everything hidden from view, she turned the laptop around again.

“You can look now.”

“I thought you bought my gift last week?” He grinned.

“I did,” Mikasa shrugged. “These are for the others.”

“And I couldn't see them because…”

“Because you'd tell them.”

“Hey! I can keep a secret!”

She raised a skeptical eyebrow. “Really, Eren?”

He laughed at that, and once more Mikasa's chest twinged with the usual mix of happiness and longing. She watched him sip something from a glass dripping with condensation. Even looking at it sent a small shiver down her back.

“What is that?”

Eren glanced at his glass. “Iced tea.”

“Must be really hot there huh.”

“It is.” His smile turned fond. “You'd love it.”

She pulled her heavy sweater closer around her frame. “Maybe someday.”

She saw him move his hand to touch his laptop screen, and she pretended that his fingers were touching her actual lips. “Maybe,” he agreed.

*

“Well if it isn't Mikasa fucking Ackerman.”

She whipped around, and felt a smirk grow on her face when she saw the other woman. She reached for a handshake, but Ymir batted her hand away and caught her in a quick, rough embrace.

“It feels like years, girl, how've you been?”

“I'm a TA now.”

“Oh, so you'll be Professor Ackerman soon, huh?”

Mikasa smiled. “Doctor Ackerman first. Then we'll see. How are you, Ymir?”

“Staying at home and getting fat, mostly,” Ymir said, but there was no complaint in her tone. “Oh, and,” she yanked off a woollen glove, her grin widening, “happily hitched.”

The gold ring gleamed in the dull light of the supermarket, and Mikasa was glad to note that her voice did not seem forced when she gasped, “Congratulations!”

Ymir hummed, looking genuinely pleased. “Thanks. Sorry we didn't invite you, but there was nothing to invite you to anyway. We just went and signed some shit and exchanged rings. Her sister witnessed.”

“I'm really happy for you,” Mikasa said sincerely.

“Thanks, Mikasa. So, what about you?”

Highly aware of the microwave dinners she had piled into her cart, Mikasa shrugged. “Eren's in Australia.”

Ymir’s eyebrows rose. “Still?”

“Eight months more.”

“Damn. You're a strong girl, Mikasa.” Ymir shook her head. “Don't think I could do the whole long-distance shebang.”

Mikasa turned away, took up a pack of napkins she didn't need. “You would if you had to.”

“I guess.” There was an awkward pause. “Well I guess I'll let you get back to it.”

“Yeah.” Mikasa made sure her expression was back to normal before she turned around. “Take care, Ymir.”

Ymir placed her warm hand briefly on her shoulder. “You too, Mikasa.” Flashing her a rare smile, Ymir walked away.

*

*

Mikasa read the messages on her phone for perhaps the tenth time. She knew he'd be busy today, since the holidays were fast approaching. They weren't due for a video call for a few days, anyway.

Holding back a sigh, she focused on the task at hand, making sure to wrap the edges carefully until a neat package sat in front of her.

There was a faint tinkle from behind her, followed by a baleful meow.

She turned around. “I know. I miss him, too.”

Moon-moon simply blinked, and meowed again, louder.

“You don't care, do you?” She actually sighed this time, getting up. “You just want your food, you fat bastard.”

She paused at the refrigerator, running her gaze over photographs she had imprinted on her mind. She still loved looking at them.

Eren and her, at elementary school. Eren and her, at an ice rink. Eren and her, sullen at a fancy occasion she didn't remember. Eren and her at prom, with their respective dates. (That one always made her smile. What idiots they had been, denying what they had for each other for years.) Eren and her outside their college dorm. Eren and her on their first date. Eren and her, at their first vacation together. Eren and her with their degrees.

Eren and her in a selfie taken at the airport. It felt like ages since that last one was taken.

She pulled out her phone from her pocket and held her finger poised above the screen, Eren's name waiting.

I miss you

She almost typed it; but she put her phone away, took up her pen, and wrote his address on the package instead.

*

The trill of the video call connecting lasted barely a second. There was a click when the call was answered, and the pixelated video feed came into view.

“Hey, how was-” Mikasa stopped abruptly. The person on the screen was not Eren.

“Hello, Mikasa.” His voice was milder than she expected. “It's nice to finally speak to you.”

She recognised him, of course. “Um. Same.”

The video was slowly turning clearer and so was his smile. “You know me, then?” He sounded inordinately delighted.

“Of course. Eren… speaks highly of you.”

He chuckled, and for a second she thought she saw Eren's father sitting there on the other side. “That's good to know. I haven't been the easiest kind of brother, I'm sure.”

“N-no, he's very grateful.”

“What's there to be grateful for? He's family.”

She had nothing to say to that, so she asked instead, “Is he there?”

“Hmm? Oh, Eren?” Zeke leaned back and crossed his arms behind his head. “He's just popped out for a bit.”

“Oh.” When no further information was coming, she continued, “Will he be back soon?”

“Can't say,” Zeke said cheerfully. “He's gone to drop a friend off at the station.” He leaned forward suddenly, the light in his glasses glinting. “They're very close, Annie and him, so it might be a while before he gets back.”

“Oh.” Mikasa looked at the way his smile seemed almost kind, and clenched her fist on the table. “I'll call later, then. Sorry to disturb you.”

“Such a lovely girl could never be a distraction,” he said gallantly.

“Right. Thanks, um, I'll call Eren later.”

“Alright. Happy Christmas, Mikasa,” Zeke said softly.

“You too,” she managed to mutter before clicking on ‘End call’. She glanced outside, saw the snow falling heavily now, and shivered.

*

*

Christmas had always been Eren's thing. He was the one that revelled in the decorations, the snowmen and snowball fights, the carolling, and the gifts.

“Christmas isn't​ Christmas without snow,” Eren had always said, until this year. Since his parents were going to be visiting him anyway, Eren had decided to stay in Australia for the festive season, despite it being summer there.

“Won't you miss the snow?” Mikasa had asked him teasingly, a long time ago, it seemed.

He'd just laughed and said he wouldn't mind trying something new.

Mikasa thought of that laugh, that smile, as she stood outside the store window. Then, squaring her shoulders, she went inside and made her purchases.

*

“Moon-moon, no!” Mikasa wailed, but it was too late; her brand new fake Christmas tree tipped over and fell with a crash. Again.

The ringing of her phone probably saved the miserable cat's life. With a huff, she turned away and slouched over to her desk.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Mikasa.”

“Armin!” She gasped and sank into her chair with a smile, irritation forgotten. “How are you? How's London treating you?”

“It hasn't killed me yet, but it's trying its best. It's so cold!”

Mikasa laughed, and kept laughing for a while as Armin regaled her with his stories about adapting to British culture. She missed him too, she realised. Armin was her best friend and he always had a way to make her smile.

“So, how’s Eren?”

Mikasa hesitated. “Busy.”

“I'm sure. I haven't spoken to him in months.”

“Yeah, he's… got a lot on his plate.”

“Always one to take as many responsibilities as possible,” Armin remarked wryly. “He hasn't changed at all, has he?”

Mikasa was smiling again. “No.”

Armin chuckled warmly. “God, I miss you guys.”

“We miss you too,” Mikasa said softly.

*

*

“So, you got my gift yet?”

“You sent it already?” Mikasa gasped.

“Of course.” He grinned at her. “You've got to open my gift on Christmas day.”

Mikasa smiled. “I won't open it till then.”

“Good.” She watched him check his phone. “Hey, Miks, listen. The guys here are planning a little trip around Christmas time-”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. There's some hiking and some pretty good views. It looks really good.”

Mikasa fiddled with her wristwatch -an old gift from Eren. “You're going then.”

“Yeah. We're leaving the day after Uni breaks, actually.”

“So…” Mikasa struggled to keep her tone even. “No calls until after?”

Eren leaned forward. “I'll call you, of course. Maybe not video calls, though.”

She swallowed hard and simply nodded. “Okay.”

“And… maybe not during the trip. They say cellphones are pretty much useless out there.”

“Okay.”

He stared at her in the pause that followed. “Are you mad?”

Mikasa sat up. “Eren, we've discussed this. I'm not going to be weird and clingy about stuff like this.” She forced a smile that she hoped would look genuine in the pixelated video. “You go have fun.”

Eren smiled, then reached out and touched the screen again. “I wish you were here, Mikasa.”

I wish you were here, she wanted to say, but simply said. “I love you.”

“Love you more,” Eren shot back, and they both laughed.

*

The package came when there were only a few days left for Christmas, and Mikasa nearly skipped down the hallway to her door. She hurried inside, dug out her craft scissors, and attacked the wrapping.

She failed to see the stamps, so when she opened the box to see a beautiful pair of soft, crimson gloves, she felt a strange twist in her chest, which was explained when she opened the card that was inside the box.

Just adding to the ensemble.

Merry Christmas!

XOXO

Armin

Mikasa sighed and couldn't help smiling. Armin was referring to her favourite scarf, the one Eren had given her years and years ago, which matched the fluffy wool of the gloves in the box.

She ignored the disappointment she felt and sent him a thank you text.

*

*

Sasha had insisted on spending Christmas Eve with her. Mikasa had tried to get her to change her mind, then finally gave up. Sometimes, Sasha could almost be as stubborn as Eren.

“And so Jean, the absolute idiot, goes and asks her-”

“Hey, Sash?” Mikasa said suddenly. Sasha looked up from her mug of hot chocolate.

“Yeah?”

Mikasa reached across the table and grasped her wrist warmly. She didn't have to do this. She especially did not have to bring all these sweets, or the gourmet dinner made by her own hands, or the stupid dangling toy that successfully distracted Moon-moon for hours and kept him from bothering Mikasa.

“Thank you,” she murmured, and Sasha beamed at her.

“What are best friends for?”

“And-” She glanced at the clock behind Sasha. “Merry Christmas.”

“Ohmigosh!” Sasha nearly spilled her hot chocolate as she scrambled over to Mikasa and caught her in a bone crushing hug. “Merry Christmas!”

Maybe this'll be a nice Christmas after all, Mikasa thought to herself, laughing.

*

Sasha had to leave early in the morning, and Mikasa couldn't sleep after she left. The good mood that Sasha had brought seemed to have disappeared along with her. Mikasa sat listlessly on the couch, her gaze resting often on the crumpled, half-decorated plastic tree that Moon-moon had finally gotten bored of.

She kept going over old conversations with Eren on her phone, looking at old pictures that sent her, memes and selfies alike, and felt worse with every passing minute.

When he'd first told her he wouldn't be coming that year, he had assured her that she wouldn't feel his absence. He'd be sending her multiple gifts like every year, she would have her Christmas lunch with his parents like every year, he'd be right there on the video call with her all day. She wouldn't even notice, he'd said.

Biting her lip, she shot him a line of text on her phone before she could regret it.

When no reply was forthcoming, she tossed her phone aside with a sigh, and turned on her laptop instead.

She was always a little possessive in nature. Early on in their relationship, she and Eren had gotten into a lot of fights because of it. She had understood, tried hard not to seem so 'clingy’, as he put it. She had tried, and it had worked.

She was still trying.

Was it too clingy of her to want to be with him? Was it too clingy that she wanted to at least hear his voice on a day that had always been special for both of them? Was it too clingy to look at airplane tickets to Australia on Christmas morning?

If anything, the prices decided for her, reminded her why she hadn't gone to visit him in the first place. She could have worked on her thesis in Australia, she could have even worked with her partner on the paper they were supposed to publish soon. No, those weren't her actual reasons; she couldn't go because it was too damn expensive. It was why Eren had chosen to live with his brother in the first place. The unfairness of it all stung her and she felt like breaking something.

Her phone vibrated loudly in the silence, and Mikasa jumped in her seat, startled. Then she grabbed her phone.

Hey Miks did you get my gift?

She frowned. No greeting, no “merry Christmas”, and no call. She sent him back one word, even more annoyed now.

His replies came a minute later, and Mikasa badly wanted to ignore them.

But she couldn't.

With a sigh, she got to her feet. Just her luck. Of course the package she was looking forward to the most had gotten delayed. Of course it had to happen.

She shrugged on her coat and trudged to the front door. Of course the universe would mess things up for her-

She opened her door and-

-there he stood, with those sparkling green eyes and that smile, beaming down at her.

“Merry Christmas, Mikasa.”

She froze, her jaw dropped. The silence stretched on, and he reached up and scratched his head in his characteristic gesture of nervousness.

“Uh, say something.”

She tried. “Eren…”

He let out a nervous huff of laughter. “Yup. It's me. I'm really here.”

And still she couldn't speak a single coherent sentence because she was utterly, completely dumbstruck.

“H-how…?”

And that was when she noticed the bags. He had a lot of bags. Eren followed her stare, and nodded. “I'm not going back.”

She almost stumbled backwards and fell then and there. “W-what?”

“I got myself transferred back for the last semester. That, uh, that's why I was so busy.” His fingers were buried in his hair again. “So much fucking paperwork, you won't believe-”

“But-” Mikasa realised her voice was too high, too loud, and she struggled to calm herself. “You loved it there.”

Eren shrugged, his eyes holding hers captive. “I love you more.”

Her hand flew to her mouth and this time her knees did buckle, but he was already there, already holding her, already sharing his blazing warmth with her.

“Hey, it's okay,” he murmured into her hair, while she clutched at him, at every inch of him she could grab onto, his heartbeat loud and reassuring next to her ear.

“Eren,” she practically sobbed and hugged him tightly, loosening her grasp only when he let out a small sound of pain. “I missed you,” she sighed as his fingers gently poked a smile onto her face.

“Missed you more,” he whispered.

“Doubt it.”

“Wanna bet?”

“Oh, you're on.” She tightened her arms behind his neck and pulled him down until their foreheads were pressed together and their noses were touching. “You have no idea how badly I've missed you.”

He chuckled, and she could feel the mirth echo from his chest to hers. “Well,” he smiled against her lips, “maybe I should ask Moon-moon.”

“Or maybe I can tell you myself.” She could hold back no longer and pressed her lips onto his, warmth spreading in her veins and shivers running down her skin at the same time, breathing him in and holding him tight, feeling like everything in her life had finally clicked into place.

The kiss ended too soon, but Eren asked her, “So, did you like your gift?”

She grinned sweetly up at him. “Let me tell you just how much I liked it.” And she kissed him again.

[onwriting-hrarby]

i wish i could go back and skim through ITS to tell you exactly all my favourite scenes!! (i do hope one day it would be okay for you to repost it, its such a lovely dreamy fic ♥️)

but like on the top of my head that i can remember, my fave scenes would be:

- the night they had sex in the sea. it wasnt even a hot smut scene, but the way you wrote it was like seeing so many emotions being sloowwwly pulled out of a box. them being so raw with their bodies to tell eachother how they feel, even without words. i truly felt in the moment as if i was eren or mikasa, like it was so incredible how i could feel the heaviness of the scene. i loved it so much.

- i really liked the club scenes in marley when they would dance together and enjoy the music and feel that strong connection through their gazes. and even if it was heartbreaking to have also read some of that through their current lovers pov at the time, i found that really interesting to see how third parties could see that love that resided in them through little gestures, like i think it was that part where a song from the band played and was it hisu or jean who watched them as they looked straight at eachother and fell into embrace at such excitement. from that scene i was really rooting for em!!

-it wasnt an em scene but i really really looove that haircut scene with sasha when they talk about eren and how forward sasha was with her. it really made me feel grateful mikasa has a friend like that to push her.

-also another scene that wasnt with em but i loved that scene where erens at a cafe with annie? and pieck? i think and he talks about how much he likes mikasa? if im not mistaken, he realised he liked her so much that he felt he needed to break up with hisu. i liked that scene because it was really nice to see how certain eren was about his feelings for mikasa, like he wasnt in a daze or conflicted about it, those feelings were real and he liked it enough to talk about it. literally my heart fluttered!

honestly i love all your eremikas!! sorry for the late reply, but yeah these scene are what i can remember really liking from instead they said!! ♥️

AHHH GOSH this anon made so happy. i truly feel so grateful that you remember ITS so well and that you like it :') it warms my heart, because (ranting) writing stories it's just sooo much time. i really enjoy doing it (otherwise i wouldn't) but sometimes it can also feel lonely, or like it's not paying off. but having you here commenting about this work it making me feel fuzzy, truly.

all the scenes you've said i also thought of them! minus the sasha one because I DIDN'T REMEMBER! also the annie and pieck one... IT BLEW MY MIND YOU DID REMEMBER TOO! i have to say that the scene of the disco in which they hug and jean sees was actually meant to be in "I did not live until today", but I couldn't make it work there, so I saved the idea and then the right opportunity came along.

when i received your anon i came back to the scene at the beach and i liked it :') thank you very much for making me go back, because i felt like i had done this right, and now i'm pumped up for the next project!

if you ever read anything else from me and you'd like to comment on it, feel free to do so <3 i appreciate all criticism!

as for now, i will think about putting ITS up again (i want to correct it first... my english has gotten much better!).

thank you so much <3

-hera