#i feel the dice gods in this chili’s tonight

[vp-gilear-faeth]

the dice gods rolling up to fhjy ep 11

[rufflet]

Making chili for tonight so I browned the meat in a pan, took it out and put the diced onion in there to cook up on those juices and had a thought to deglaze it with some vermouth and oh my god. I feel so bad for you guys that you couldn’t be here to smell it.

[heyitssmiller]

Chop It Like It’s Hot

Chapter 6: I’ve Got a Bad Queso Loving You

Pining. Food that may or may not be a disaster. The end of an era.

Also people actually wanted to be tagged for updates?? That makes my heart so happy <3

Tag List: @heyoitslysso @unknown-and-invisible

Chop It Like It’s Hot Masterlist

@lumosinlove

  It was weird, walking into the studio by himself for the first time. Finn kept expecting Logan to be right by his side like always and it hurt a little every time Finn remembered. He walked into the kitchens where he was greeted by a sunny smile and kind eyes and dimples.

He still missed Logan, but it was hard to mope with Leo Knut around.

“Hey,” Leo greeted, motioning for Finn to join him at the station. “Welcome to the final four.”

“Thanks. It feels weird here.”

Leo hummed. “Quiet, right?”

“Definitely less hectic.” Finn agreed, leaning his hip against the counter. “So what are we cooking today?”

“Well, why don’t you tell me? We’re cooking for someone special to you. I’m assuming that’s Logan, right?” At Finn’s nod a strange, unreadable expression flashed across Leo’s face before he continued. “Okay, so what types of food do you think of when you think of him?”

Finn thought about it, then smiled. “Our first date – after years and years of being friends and crushing on each other but refusing to do anything about it – was at a Mexican restaurant. We were on a roadie and went to go get dinner together and I was so frustrated at this point that I kind of just blurted, ‘Is this a date?’” Finn laughed a little at the memory. “And Lo, he just stared at me with those big green eyes of his for a moment and said, ‘I sure hope so.’ And that was it. No more drama, no more fuss. Just those two sentences – that was all we needed.”

The look from earlier was back on Leo’s face. Finn still didn’t know what it meant.

“I think we can definitely work with that.” He said finally. “How about we elevate a Mexican dish? Something to be meaningful but to also showcase your cooking? I've got a few recipes in mind. What about grilled citrus-marinated chicken?”

Finn wrinkled his nose and shook his head.

“Alright. Pulled pork tamales with corn salsa? Polenta stacks? Chipotle Mahi Mahi burrito bowl?”

“Oh!” Finn said excitedly. “I like that one. Logan calls me Fish sometimes.”

Leo laughed. “Why?”

“Nicknames are kind of a thing in hockey. It’s considered weird if you don’t have one. I’m Harzy, Harz, Fish, and probably a few more that I’m forgetting.”

“And Logan?”

“He’s Tremz or Tremzy, usually.” He looked over at the blond, propping his chin in his hand and smiling. “You want a nickname?”

“Oh, god. With a last name like Knut, I’m sure you’ll have plenty to go off of.” He laughed, turning to head towards the pantry. Finn followed after him like the love-struck puppy he was.

“Nut. Nutty. Peanut. Peanut butter. Nutter Butter. Honey bunches of nut – “

“How have you already come up with so many?” Leo stretched to grab a bowl off the top shelf, his t-shirt shifting up to reveal pale skin Finn desperately wanted to reach out and touch.

“I’m a professional hockey player.”

“Fair enough. Can you head to the spices and grab smoked paprika, chili powder, cumin, salt, pepper and onion powder?”

Finn grabbed the ingredients and met Leo back at the station. “Ready to get started? You’ll get the printed recipe and you can take as many notes as you want now and use them tonight.”

Finn clicked his pen in response, earning another smile. “Let’s do this.”

“So we’re going to combine olive oil, chipotle chiles, garlic, smoked paprika, chili powder, cumin, salt, pepper and onion powder into a bowl and whisk it really good. Then you can add the mahi mahi and toss it in there. Next we’re going to place it in the fridge while we start the rice.” Leo covered the bowl and set it in the fridge before reaching for a pot and turning the stove on.

“Add coconut milk and some coconut water to a pot and bring it to a low boil before adding rice, salt, unsweetened coconut and coconut oil. Stir to combine, then place the lid on the pot and turn the heat down to the lowest setting possible. Following so far?”

Finn nodded, definitely feeling a little overwhelmed.

Leo gave him a reassuring smile. “You got this. Next, let the rice to cook for ten minutes then turn the heat off completely. Let the rice sit on the stove, covered for another 20 minutes, then remove the lid and fluff the rice with a fork. Add the cilantro and lime juice – “

“No cilantro.”

Leo looked up from his pot. “What?”

“No cilantro.” Finn repeated. “Lo doesn’t like cilantro.”

“Got it. No cilantro. I think we’ve got enough seasoning without it.” Leo grabbed another bowl and pushed some ingredients towards him on the counter.

“Now we’re going to make the salsa. Add the diced mango, chopped strawberries, jalapeño, lime juice, pinch of cayenne and a pinch of salt to a bowl. Toss it, cover it, and keep it in the fridge until ready to serve. Now we’re going to cook that fish.” Leo grabbed the fish out of the fridge and sent him a sly look. “Hopefully this doesn’t count as cannibalism.”

Finn laughed loudly. “Oh man, wait until Logan hears that.”

Leo fiddled with the settings on the grill, which made Finn a little nervous. As seen in the build your own burger competition, he wasn’t the best with grills. He’d scared away all the ducks with how loud he screamed when he turned the grill on too high and flames erupted from it.

“You’re going to want a medium heat to cook this fish. Once the grill is nice and hot, add the mahi mahi, skin side facing up. Cook these for about 4-5 minutes and then flip them and cook until they’re crisp and mostly cooked through. This is super important: remove the skin.  We’re going to be cutting this fish into chunks and having pieces of fish skin in there would be really gross.

“Last thing is to plate these. All you’re going to do is divide the rice among your tortilla bowls and add the lettuce, black beans, and corn. Divide up the fish and then top each bowl with salsa, queso, and a dollop of sour cream. And you’re done!” Leo looked over at Finn, who was still writing notes. “Not so bad, right?”

Finn gave him a blank stare, then ran a hand through his hair nervously. “Go over it again one more time?”

“Sure.” Leo pushed one of the plates over to Finn. “Want to try some first?”

“Fuck yes.”

***

Logan stood in the studio hallway yet again, waiting with the rest of the families the final four contestants were cooking for tonight. It was going to be weird, being on the opposite side of the judging table. But at least he wasn’t cooking.

They finally got the cue to enter the kitchen and his eyes immediately found Finn, who was grinning madly and running right at him – whether he was allowed to or not. Logan laughed as Finn collided with him, hugging him close. “You just saw me this morning.”

“Yeah, but I missed you.”

Logan melted a little at that and kissed him softly on the cheek. “Did you have a good day?”

Finn whined, shooting a longing look over at Leo. “Lo, you would not believe – “

“Please head back to your stations, recruits!” Dorcas called.

“Gotta go.” Finn sighed, taking a step back. Logan gave his hand a squeeze.

“You’ve got this.”

“Recruits, tonight you’ll be creating dishes for your loved ones. And your team leaders, of course. You can use any notes you’ve taken. You have an hour to complete this task and your time starts… now!”

Logan took his seat at the judges table (weird) and watched as Finn dashed off to the pantry. He made small talk with the other family members as time began to tick down much slower than he remembered from his time on the show. He turned his head when Leo sat down next to him and smiled almost nervously.

“I hope you’re not too mad at me for last week.”

“Nah,” Logan said with a shrug, doing everything he could think of to slow his heartrate down. “I deserved it. I served you guys raw pizza dough.”

“Only because I suggested you start over.”

Logan laughed incredulously. “Because my pizza wasn’t a pizza! Seriously, don’t worry about it.” He looked over at Finn, who was shying away from the grill as he threw the fish on it. “I’m glad he made it instead of me. He’s been so excited to be on this show.”

“He’s really improved a lot. You both did.”

“I’m still not sure I trust either of us in the kitchen.”

“Baby steps.” Leo said with a smile. “You’re more capable than you think.”

He glanced at the clock and let his voice carry to the contestants. “One minute left, recruits!”

Finn glanced up from his plating, cursed, and started working faster.

“Five, four, three, two, one, time’s up! Stop what you’re doing and step away from your plates!”

“I can see why you like this so much.” Logan said, eyes still on Finn as he looked down at his plates critically. “You get to sit here, no stress, and eat people’s food. This is the dream.”

“Not on this show. You should’ve tried some of the earlier dishes this season. I got food poisoning twice.”

“You did what?”

“It might’ve been three times if I’d eaten that chicken you tried to serve in the first challenge.” Leo teased.

“Why isn’t giving a chef food poisoning an immediate elimination?”

“Because then we’d have very few recruits left, and that would be a very short season.”

Finn set down his plates, smiling nervously. Logan looked down and smiled softly. “Mexican food.”

“No cilantro, just how you like it.”

God, Logan didn’t deserve him.

“Let’s see how this tastes.” Leo said, looking down at his plate. “The presentation is really nice.”

They both took bites of their food. The fish was dry, but Logan thought the rest of it was really good.

“It’s under-seasoned a little bit,” Leo commented. “And the fish is a little dry, but your salsa is perfect and the ratios of everything else in the bowl is very nice.”

Logan grinned up at Finn. “I definitely wouldn’t be opposed to you bringing this recipe home.”

“We need move on to the next contestant. Nice job, Finn.”

Finn beamed and grabbed his plates back.

***

“And the chef who will be leaving us tonight is…” Logan held Finn’s hand and waited for Leo to finish.

“Finn. I’m sorry, your time as a recruit is over. Please turn in your apron.”

Finn sighed, squeezed Logan’s hand, and stepped forward.

“It was really close, but in the end the under-seasoned and overcooked fish did you in.” Leo said, looking apologetic. “I’ve really enjoyed having you on the show. You’ve been a joy to teach.”

“Thanks for having me.” Finn said, trying to be cheerful as he handed over his apron. “I had a blast.”

After the cameras stopped rolling, Logan and Finn made sure to find Leo before they left. He was scrubbing down the grill and looked up when he noticed them. “So this is goodbye, huh?”

“Looks like it.” Logan replied, unabashedly staring and trying to memorize everything he could. Was it weird to miss someone when you hadn’t even said goodbye yet? When they were standing right in front of you? 

Finn piped up, “If you’re ever in Gryffindor, look us up. We’d love to see you.”

“Same for when you come to New York for games.” Leo smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

“Here,” Finn grabbed his phone out of his pocket. “What’s your number? We can send you our team schedule when we get it.”

Finn, you’re a genius.

“That would be great! I, uh, I really liked having y’all on the show. It’d be nice to see each other again.” His cheeks were red again, and Logan had to bite back a whine. He wanted to kiss those red spots so badly.

But this definitely wasn’t the time. There were people everywhere, two of them were probably leaving in the morning, and they didn’t know when they’d see him again. Or if he even liked them back.

Fuck.

Both Logan and Finn had forgotten just how awful the guessing game really was.

[elainescookingforthesoul]

TRANSCRIPT for Episode 1.04 “Devin’s Three-Alarm Chili” (PART 1/2) 

ACT I

ELAINE

Hello and welcome back to Elaine's Cooking Podcast for the Soul, where we continue to post new and clear recipes for a post-nuclear society. I am your host Elaine Martínez. Listeners, I am especially thankful for your devoted attention this week, because after the second nuclear event we witnessed in part last episode, there are certainly better things you could be focusing on. Yes, the toxic cloud mass has drifted inland, settling appropriately right over Death Valley National Park. We are told that out of the 1,262 rangers, visitors, migrants, and permanent residents, nobody was hurt--before the effects of toxic radiation from the missile killed them immediately. Indeed, our fleshy exteriors are mere sponges for airborne radioactive materials, while the squishy insides enfolded in that flesh are simply not made to withstand such substances. Perhaps one day we'll develop better external defenses for our soft-shelled bodies. Or maybe we'll become better at internalizing the phrase "mutually assured destruction." Who knows? What is most important is understanding the shivering fragility of your short human life, and how to make the most of what's left. Which bring us to the joys of cooking! Let's get to work!

[POTS CLANG]

ELAINE: Tonight, I'm joined by a fellow survivor Devin Miller.

DEVIN: Howdy howdy howdy. 

ELAINE: We're sitting together here at the LA Dental Clinic, this time at the reception desk! Devin is one of the last remaining official mail carriers for the State.

DEVIN: Yeah, I was on my route to pick up your rations--

ELAINE: For new listeners: a portion of my rations are allocated to my senator as a way of paying my federal student loans. 

DEVIN: Oh tight. I thought you were sending them to your family members across state or something.

ELAINE: Nope, all my family is dead. 

DEVIN: Oh...less tight.

ELAINE: Please, continue.

DEVIN: Yeah, so then I hear the regular alarm start going off.

ELAINE: Honestly, I barely hear it anymore.

DEVIN: Same. Then it got to that real sinister register.

ELAINE: The ominous lower d-flat.

DEVIN: That's the one. That was when I started thinking, dang look at that sky! Maybe this is getting serious. Then came Phony Mitchell.

ELAINE: What's that now?

DEVIN: You know, it was like a bad Joni Mitchell that the State changed the words to a little so they could play it without paying for the rights. It's also a toilet paper ad? You know:

DEVIN: [SINGING] “Down it always seem to go but you don't know what you flushed til it's gone. We made paradise, by making it double ply....”

ELAINE: Phony Mitchell.

DEVIN: Right. But it was only after that babe stopped wailing, that I thought I better take cover. That's when I saw a couple kids running away from your office and thought the door might be unlocked. And you were right there waiting!

ELAINE: Yep, didn't even have time to lock the door. But it all brings us to our favorite dish this week--chili!

DEVIN: That's right, we've been chowing down on this simple recipe since the lockdown and subsequent 72-hour curfew that started right after the three alarms sounded.

ELAINE: And we don't have to remind you, folks, these curfews are enforced.

DEVIN: Yeah, and these robo-cops--

ELAINE: They're called Ad Ministers.

DEVIN: Right, these Ad Ministers patrolling all day and night freak me out, tbh. Here comes one now. See the silhouette against the boarded-up window?

ELAINE: It's only eight feet tall, I don't believe I could miss it if I tried.

An Ad Minister passes by the front of the LA Dental Clinic, loudly stomping and vocalizing as it approaches. Voice is muted slightly by the distance, but still clear.

AD MINISTER 2233: Don't let dirty laundry get ya down. Stay clean and fresh with Life's a Bleach!

ELAINE: It's been a week now, but I can't imagine a better partner to be locked down with. 

DEVIN: Of course, the alternative is in the tight embrace of an Ad Minister, but...

AD MINISTER 4447: Soft, creamy, delicious. INFO REDACTED cheddar cheese is the best because it's made right here in INFO REDACTED. God bless INFO REDACTED.

DEVIN

Ugh, I hate that Ad Minister. Get a new ad, buddy!

ELAINE: Folks, like I mentioned earlier, we're situated right here at the reception desk at the LA Dental Care.

DEVIN: I feel like we're newscasters.

ELAINE: Yes, while I generally prefer the ambiance of the main operating area, I think I'd like to keep an eye on the boarded windows and door for now. But I would love to start in on this recipe.

DEVIN: Let's do it. I'll fire up the hot plate here, you open the cans?

ELAINE: Oh, but we should explain what ingredients we have for the listeners.

DEVIN: Oh, duh. I forgot we had an audio audience. Today we are opening up three cans. One is a can of chili-seasoned diced tomatoes. 

ELAINE: The second can is that of simple red kidney beans.

DEVIN: The the third can is just regular black beans! 

ELAINE: And, I know we normally get a little more creative with things, but let me tell you. This is a simple--what's that phrase you say?

DEVIN: Simple A-F. It means "As Fuck." But just in case there are any kids listening, this recipe is simple A-F.

ELAINE: Indeed. And because the tomatoes are already packed with the chili seasoning, all the work is done for you. You just have to open the cans...like so...

[CAN OPENER]

DEVIN: Ignite your heat source, in our case a very old propane-powered portable hot plate.

[GAS/WHOOSH OF HOT PLATE]

[ANOTHER LID POPS OFF]

ELAINE: And then you just dump all three ingredients into the pot!

[CAN OPENER]

[ANOTHER LID POPS OFF]

DEVIN: Now, because it's just the two of us--

ELAINE: And because we do have just a very small one-quart pot--

DEVIN: We are literally just halving the recipe by using half of each can. 

[CAN CONTENTS POUR INTO POT]

ELAINE: Right. I really cannot overstate how delicious and filling this recipe is.

DEVIN: No joke. I'd even eat this if there weren't a nuclear apocalypse followed by a ruthlessly aggressive police state going on. 

ELAINE: Well, there is hardly higher praise than that, though generally we steer away from explicitly recognizing the current regime lest they--

DEVIN: Shh. Turn the hot plate off.

[FLAME SPUTTERS OFF]

ELAINE: What is it? Why is that Ad Minister stopped in front of the window?

DEVIN

I don't think that's an Ad Minister, Elaine.

CAPTAIN KRAUSE: Ad Ministers 5277 through 5278 assemble. Boots stomp and congregate in from of the LA Dental Clinic, sounding off their ads, overlapping as they approach.

AD MINISTER 5277: Plastic wrap doesn't have to be plastic crap! Ditch the generic brand and--

AD MINISTER 5278: Coca Cola stopped using amphetamines ages ago, but not us! Reach for a--

CAPTAIN KRAUSE: On mute.

CAPTAIN KRAUSE: State current mission.

AD MINISTERS: RECONNAISSANCE, GENERAL ADVERTISING, FACIAL SCANNING, SEARCHING FOR WARRANTED FUGIT--

CAPTAIN KRAUSE: Edit mission.

AD MINISTERS: VOCAL RECOGNITION ENTRY REQUIRED.

CAPTAIN KRAUSE: Captain R.J. Krause. 

[THREE BLOOPS]

AD MINISTERS: VOCAL RECOGNITION FAILED. TRY AGAIN?

CAPTAIN KRAUSE: CAPTAIN R. J. KRAUSE. 

[TWO BLOOPS]

AD MINISTERS: CONFIRMED. WELCOME CAPTAIN KRAUSE. IT LOOKS LIKE YOU WANT TO EDIT A MISSION. WOULD YOU LIKE SOME HELP?

CAPTAIN KRAUSE: NO. Ugh, I cannot wait until you useless hunks of metal get upgraded. Let's say seek...hm. No. Undo...Capture and deliver...

CAPTAIN KRAUSE:...Eight large cheese pizzas, six large meat supreme pizzas, and one large Hawaiian pizza from the nearest Little Caesars. To headquarters.

[CONFIRMATION BLOOP]

AD MINISTERS: Confirmed. Will deliver in approximately...45 minutes.

[AD MINISTERS BOOTS MARCH AWAY]

CAPTAIN KRAUSE: Forty five minutes! Absolutely unbelievable. Hot and ready my foot... 

[CAPT. KRAUSE WALKS AWAY]

ELAINE: Okay maybe we should take a little break.

DEVIN: No kidding, you don't have any cigarettes do you? 

ELAINE: No. 

DEVIN: Oh right. I mean, in case there are kids listening...you don't have any magical death sticks, do you?

ELAINE: Still no. Listeners, we'll be right back after this brief break. Be still, stay calm. We will return to your ears in just a few short moments.

END OF ACT I

INTERLUDE/AD BREAK

[MUSICAL RIFF]

ELAINE: Listeners, this episode is brought to you once again by the A-Path. The A-Path is the only totally neutral non-existent-organization that allows you to register as a person that simply does not care about the outcome of battling factions and brutal bids for power. Pledge Allegiance to The Flag, The News, or The Industry? Okay, but that excludes you from pledging allegiance to the ultimate indifference of the A-Path. Perks of signing up include indemnity from the triumphant party, should you not cause trouble and survive. Sign up for a 90 day free trial in which a grand jury will review the details of your personal and professional background and declare you to be either suitably indifferent or ultimately condemned to a life of servitude and/or gruesome dismemberment by the victorious party. Come by Ted's Bread store and get "apathy" with us! Now back to the show.

[MUSICAL RIFF]